Booby Trap (Pompano Beach, FL)

Quality of dances (14/20) – In a move that was either incredibly clutch or incredibly sleazy (probably the latter), one of my best friends fingered a girl on the main floor. Yes, he’s a handsome dude who tends to get more mileage than the average guy, but that should still give you a good idea of the type of dances you can expect here. No matter where you are in the club, you’re gonna get a very good grind with her hands on your junk and possibly creeping up your shorts (Okay, I confess, I wore shorts to the club. I know that’s a faux pas. But it was fucking 95 degrees and I was walking from club to club; there was nothing I could do). Most girls will invite you to grope them on the main floor while promising much more in the VIP. I didn’t hit up the VIP room (see below), so I can’t claim that I know what goes on back there. But let’s just say if you’re shy, I wouldn’t recommend it.

Quality of dancers (6.5/10) – In contrast to Diamond Dolls, which I had visited directly before here, I didn’t see any stone-cold stunners. It was mostly a mix of 6s and 7s, women who you’d almost certainly sleep with and who would be hot in most other contexts, but lacked that jene se qua to put them over the top. I think this captures my feelings nicely.  The one advantage to the Booby Trap, though, was that I didn't see any dropoff in talent from the night shift to the day shift.

Number of dancers (7.5/10) – Between fifteen to twenty dancers on a Thursday with probably one for every customer. Can’t complain about that.  

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Like virtually every South Florida club, the women are largely white with some black girls mixed in, but virtually no other diversity, other than differences in the range of curves.

Attitude of Dancers (8/10) – “I don’t dance, I just play,” said the stripper when she literally refused to dance for me. And I’ll tell you, even though I really wanted that dance, I appreciated her candor. She ended up hanging around for a bit, having a drink and then finding someone else to “play” with. That straightforward attitude was standard practice at the Booby Trap. Most women were agenda-driven, but that agenda didn’t get in the way of their socializing and having a good time.

Value (7.5/10) – The $5.25 Miller Lites are a little overpriced, but they're a bargain during the day since they're 2-4-1. Dances are $10 on the floor, $25 in back room, and $50 to the club plus whatever you negotiate with the girl for  5 songs in the VIP room (though the implication was that what they do back there doesn't usually require 5 songs). 

I want to take a quick moment here to highlight the best part of the Booby Trap, something that transforms this from a very good club to a must-visit. The cover is $5 at night (there's no cover during the day, but self parking is a buck), but you get a free a burger and fries from the bar on Thursday nights and during the day all week. And the burgers are goddamn incredible. I don’t know what the fuck they are putting in those things, but I hope they never stop. My burger was so good that I went back the next day just to make sure my impressions from the night before weren’t influenced by some Four Loko-induced euphoria. I was stone-cold sober in the middle of the afternoon and it was just as good, if not better, than the night before. Eat this burger.

Dance Setup (5/10) – For $25 dances, there’s an area in the back of the club containing 6-8 booths with dividers in between them. Although they aren’t visible from the rest of the club, several of the booths face each other, and anyone walking through to get a dance can sneak a peek of what you’re up to. The only way to get any real privacy is to take the last booth. Of course, remember that you won’t be the first guy that night who came up with that idea, so buyer beware when it comes to getting a clean place to sit.

Club Setup (7.5/10) – Almost immediately upon entering, you’re greeted by a quiet bar that sits far from the action, but is a decent spot to have a drink and chill. From there, you enter the main floor of the club. There’s a smallish main stage directly in the middle of the club and a mostly ignored stage near the back. A large bar lines the one wall, a long bench is along another wall and there are a number of tables and rolly chairs on the floor. Seating is ample and it’s hard to imagine you’d ever have a problem getting a spot. The two major problems with the setup are that the seats are a little too close for my tastes and there are absolutely no dark corners in which to chill. Solve those issues and this score will be pushing a 9.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) – Jesus Christ is the lighting terrible in this place. I’m talking about hospital-like levels of brightness. My working theory is that it’s an intentional choice by the club owners to drive business back towards the VIP rooms where the real action can happen. That’s such a shame, because it otherwise has incredible potential, especially since they have a breathalizer machine that you can use to see which one of your friends can blow the highest score. With that lighting, though, it doesn’t matter how hard they work; it will never have either an intimate or party vibe. Instead, you’re looking at a place where you’re going to catch the eye of your fellow customer way more often than you’d prefer.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Hmmm. It’s walkable from two other clubs and from the prison. Other than that, it’s a long-ass cab ride from Fort Lauderdale.

Overall – Apparently, the Booby Trap used to have a policy where if you showed up with your discharge papers from the prison, you got free admission and a free drink (FYI: this policy does not exist anymore, as I learned when a just-released female inmate tried to enter the club at the same time as I and a friend. Don’t worry, like gentlemen, we paid her admission and bought her a few beers). Just the fact that such a policy used to exist makes this spot worthy of a recommendation. When you add in the free burger and high mileage, it’s a must visit.

TOTAL SCORE = 65

Diamond Dolls (Pompano Beach, FL)

Quality of Dances (13/20) – Dances are separated into three different types: Floor dances for $10, semi-private dances for $25, and 3 for $100 in a more private room. The floor dances are a waste of your time, so I’ll just review the $25 dances, because they’re likely to be the most common choice. Those dances are full contact in both directions with a moderate grind and some over-the-pants hand action. It’s gonna vary girl-by-girl, but as long as you’re not a complete creep, I’m pretty sure you can get away with whatever you want in terms of tit groping. However, the industry standard “don’t put your mouth on my nipples and don’t touch my pussy” rules should apply to nearly everyone you come across. The lightning-quick pace with which extras were offered bumps this score a little bit. If you’d never consider extras at a club, downgrade this number to a 12.

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – Aside from the one dancer who, I swear, had two rows of teeth (like a shark) and the deplorable number of fake tits roaming about, I was very pleased with the women. Many, if not most, of the women on the night shift are smoking hot. The day shift isn't as impressive (it would probably rate as a 6-6.5), but I still can’t imagine anyone being disappointed with this crop.

Number of Dancers (8.5/10) – With over 20 dancers at a smallish club, Diamond Dolls stacks up very well here. When I was there, a Thursday evening, there were at least as many dancers as there were customers.  

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – Really, I only have one question here, and it’s applicable to all of South Florida: why the fuck are there not more Latinas at these clubs? Isn’t Florida supposed to be teeming with hot Latin women? The beaches certainly are, but they’re nowhere to be found in the clubs. It’s infuriating. Anyway, you’re looking at mostly white girls here, with a few black girls mixed in and some decent variety in body type.

Attitude of Dancers (8.5/10) – I loved these women. They were hustling in exactly the right way. Many would sit down and shoot the shit for a while without ever asking for a dance. They were selling, for sure, but it was a subtle sell. I’m thinking this dynamic arises from the fact that most of the girls seem much more interested in locking down a big score with extras than they do in picking off individual dances. I totally get that, for many strippers, it’s much more fiscally efficient to be popping in and out of groups of guys asking for dances; I just wish it wouldn’t have to be that way. I’m so much more likely to go off for a big number on a girl that has hung out for a while and actually like as a person (or at least one that has convinced me that I like her as a person). 

Value (6.5/10) – $5.50 Miller Lites ($3 during the day) and a $5 nighttime cover are pretty standard, and even though I hate paying to park, it's not a big deal at just $2.  There wasn’t great stage value in the traditional sense (e.g. getting motorboated for a dollar). However, the women definitely weren’t phoning it in up there. They did everything they could with a short pole and there was some much appreciated lesbian action. For dances, you’re getting slightly more than your money’s worth.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) –  Obviously, the dance setup on the floor is awful. The $25 dances take place in a curtained off room with two seats that face in the same direction and are partitioned off from one another. Of course, it would be far superior to only have one seat back there, but the partition provides a decent amount of privacy. The 3 for $100 dances are in a curtained-off room with a single large seat: a superb dance setup.

Club Setup (7/10) – Overall, the setup is solid. There are two bars, one when you first walk in and the other near the main part of the club and across from the main stage. The main stage itself is nice and long, allowing multiple girls to dance at once and providing ample seating, and there's another small stage by the VIP area towards the back of the club. I would love to see some higher ceilings and bigger poles. With a little more flexibility, I think the dancers here could put on a great show. My main criticism with the club’s setup is that it’s definitely too narrow. If it were even 15-20 feet wider, it would allow them to improve their floor seating (which is fine, but sub-optimal) and create some space for more private areas throughout the club. .

Club Atmosphere (7.5/10) – Accessible music at the right volume. Good for a party and good to roll solo. The lighting was bright enough that you could see what you wanted to see, but not so bright as to make things awkward when some dude fifteen feet away from you is getting a discreet hand job. Overall, the vibe was laid back, but fun; I could definitely see it getting rowdy (in a good way) with the right group here.  

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Technically, this spot is accessible by cab from Fort Lauderdale, but you’re looking at $30 in each direction. Because I’m always most concerned with how I’m getting to and from a club, due to my inability to remain sober for more than a few hours at a time, that’s a pretty big downside for me.

Overall – Any strip club that sits a quarter of a mile from a strip mall containing four churches, a bail bondsman, an erotic clothing shop, and some place called So Deep Productions (which must be a porn studio) is probably going to get my seal of approval. Diamond Dolls is no exception to this rule. I definitely would, and probably will, go back.

TOTAL SCORE = 69