Notes on Club Bristol (Sun Prairie, WI)

As I mentioned in my Penthouse Detroit post, I'm clearing out some old notes. I'm just going to post them as is, so they won't be in full sentence and may not make any sense at all, but hopefully they're of some use to you. Just keep in mind that these aren't proper reviews - they may have been based on only 1 or 2 visits that probably took place 2-3 years ago, and I may have been extremely intoxicated. 

Club Setup (3/10) It's a bit of a dump, but there's a decent sized pit main stage and another small (unused) stage near the entrance. A very large bar occupies most of the club and around it there are a few tall tables and four small tables with rolly chairs. There's a weird smoking area that looks like its meant for cattle. 

Dancers 5 all ok but one very cute and one pretty rough. 

Variety (3/5) There was a mix of black girls from Milwaukee and white girls and a nice mix of sizes. 

Number of Dancers (4/10) There were about 8 dancers on the day shift with more than a 1-1 dancer-to-customer ratio. That's still not a lot but is good for small club. The short 2 song sets means that you good to look at a different girls every few minutes, so that's nice. 

Atomsphere (3/10) It was too quiet and bright for my tastes. Despite the decent music (mostly hip hop) and the friendly bartendress's best efforts, it was a little depressing. 

Attitudes (7/10) Girls were friendly. They sat and chatted for a little or a lot before asking about dances. 

Quality of Dances (11.5/20) They were variable but all included a good grind and varying degrees of 2 way contact. Girls told me that some girls there give blow jobs, but none of the girls that I got dances from were offering that, and it seemed unlikely based on the high number of cameras. 

Dance Setup (4.5/10) There are comfy chairs in individual boots. People can see in the entrance of some but ones in the corner are pretty good. Bouncer peeks occasionally and demands to see your hands to make sure you aren't touching too much, and there are lots of cameras.

Value (6/10) $4 beer, no cover in day, nude stage show with some naked head stands but just ok though some contact, $20 dances. $7 cover at night.

Location (1.5/5) This place is about twice as far outside of madison as Silk (in the opposite direction), so it's not particularly accessible but isn't a bad drive if you aren't in the mood to drink too much.

Overall - I stopped by this place on the way back to Madison from the Hardware Store in Clyman. I preferred the Hardware Store, but Club Bristol is more accessible (or at least less inaccessible), so I'd probably go here more often if I spent a lot of time in Madison. It's a half-decent club though. 

RAW SCORE = 43.5

Little Darlings (Las Vegas, NV)

Quality of Dances (18/20) – Although there's variation from girl to girl and extras are rarely if ever offered, most of the dances at Little Darlings are among the best I've ever gotten. You just can't beat laying down on your back with a naked girl laying/sitting/grinding on top of you. There are a few girls who try to take you to the couches instead of the "beds," and they're a waste of time, but everyone else that I've experienced has been amazing. Also, some of the girls charge extra to allow you to touch them "anywhere but the pussy," but for the price, it's hard to blame them. The only warning that I should give is that you should probably wear reasonably thick pants if you're squeamish about bodily fluids, because under the black lights on the main floor, my pants looked like evidence from a scene on CSI.

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – My most recent visit was a little underwhelming, but I'm going to assume that I just caught them on an off night, because the quality of ladies here has been consistently outstanding over the course of several visits over the past 4 years.  Girls have to be old enough to drink to work at a club that serves alcohol in Nevada, so when they turn 21, the hottest ones spread out among the big-money places. Until then, they only have a few choices, and most of the hottest ones end up at Little Darlings. Older women who don't have their shit together know that they can't compete with hot teenagers, so most of the 20-somethings who work here also look great.

Number of Dancers (8.5/10) – This place doesn't have as many girls as a place like the Rhino or Sapphire, but it doesn't have nearly as many customers either. I've visited several times and never seen worse than a 2-to-1 customer to dancer ratio, and it's usually much better than that. Generally, there are a few dozen girls working.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – You won't find a lot of old girls here, but other than that, the variety is great. Black, white, asian, thick (some would argue a little too thick) and thin dancers are all well represented.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – For years, the dancers here were some of the friendliest I'd ever met, but I've barely been able to get a word out of any of them before they ask if I want a dance and then either take me to the back or walk away during my past few visits. They are at least friendly enough while you're getting your dance, but most of them don't even offer to join you back at your table after your dances these days.  For anyone who got used to the way the club was from 2009 until around 2011, the current attitudes are tragic.

Value (6/10) – The $33 cover here is brutal (reduced to $5 before 10pm if you print a pass from their website and don't show up in a cab), but sodas are free, so if you've brought your own liquor, you'll be drinking on the cheap. Also, they give taxi drivers some money for dropping you off, so before you get a ride to Little Darlings, get the cabbie to agree to give you $10-15 each. If you don't feel like dealing with that, you can get the club to send you a limo for free, but since they aren't making money on alcohol, you'll still have to pay the cover. Officially dances are no-contact and cost $20, but almost every girl will allow your hands to roam if you pay $30. That's usually more than I'd be willing to spend, but since there are frequent 2-for-1 specials, it's hard to complain about paying $15 per full contact dance.

Dance Setup (10/10) – The dances are given in booths back in a maze of hallways, and the entrances to the booths are covered with a semi-opaque curtain, so the only people who can even partially see in are dancers and customers who are walking to/from their own dances. There is one booth at the end of the hallway that is completely private, so if a girl takes you there, you know you're in for a good time.  The real key to the dance setup here, though, is that most of the booths have "beds," which are basically tables that are horizontal from the waist down and at a 30 degree angle from the waist up. This really is a spectacular dance setup.

Club Setup (5/10) – The tables are a little bit cramped, the chairs aren't terribly comfortable, and there are no private corners, but everyone has a good view of the stage where the pole action is about as good as I've seen.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – Since this is a nude club, they can't serve alcohol or allow customers to bring their own. Because of that, my crew usually makes this our go-to place early in the evening while we're still recovering from the previous night or late in the night once we've already had enough to drink. Also, as long as you aren't too obvious about it, you shouldn't have any problem bringing in your own liquor and mixing it with the free soda. Other than that, the atmosphere is pretty relaxed and you'll probably have a good time here either by yourself or with a group of guys. The music is good, but check their website to see if it's a theme night, because I was ready to stab my eardrums by the end of rock night.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Like everywhere else in Vegas, it isn't within walking distance, but they'll send you a limo.

Overall – I'm not quite as high on Little Darlings as I was a few years ago due to the declining attitudes, but it's still an excellent club. If they served alcohol, it would probably be my top choice in Vegas, though, realistically, if they started serving it the young girls would be gone, less attractive girls would move in, and the overall experience would probably decline. The bottom line is that if you only hit one club in Vegas, it should probably be somewhere with alcohol, but if you hit several, Little Darlings should be one of them.

TOTAL SCORE = 69

Cheetahs (Las Vegas, NV)

Most recent visit: September, 2016

Quality of Dances (12/20) – The lack of privacy prevents anything too crazy from going on, but most girls provide a good grind and are open to two-way contact. Although there’s still variation from one girl to the next, a “bad” dance at Cheetahs now is comparable to the best dances that I received here a few years ago.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – There’s more variation in quality at Cheetahs than you’ll find at most of the other big name Vegas clubs, with some girls I’d go out of my way to avoid, some stone-cold killers and everything in between, but it’s a fairly impressive workforce overall and I don’t think anyone will have a problem finding several worthy girls on any given visit.

Number of Dancers (8.5/10) – The number of women varies, but it’s usually perfect for the number of customers. When the club is busy, it’s absolutely teeming with women, and when it’s slow, they still have more than enough women to keep everyone entertained.  During each of my visits, virtually every group of patrons has been joined by multiple women, and I’m always approached by one or more within minutes of arriving.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (5/5) – Name your shape, size, race or country; you’ll find it at Cheetahs.

Attitude of Dancers (9/10) – It seems crazy to say that the best dancer attitudes of all time could be at a famous Vegas club, but my group and I interacted with dozens of them over our three most recent visits and all of them were at least friendly if not downright awesome. One girl in particular spent about 4 hours on my lap, only getting up to pour me drinks, before I gave her so much as a dollar. Even when we did go for dances, it was at my request, not hers. Of course, don’t take advantage of that or they’ll become a whole lot less friendly in a hurry, but if you take care of them, they’ll take care of you. These girls really are great.   

Value (6.5/10) – The cover is $20 if you arrive by cab, but they’ll waive it if you take their limo or valet park your own car for $20. Most of the other prices aren’t too bad with regular dances being $20, slightly more private dances 3-for-$100, and 30 minutes in the VIP “G-Spot” going for $200, but the $9 beers are pretty rough. Fortunately, at least on Sunday through Wednesday nights, you can get a bucket of 5 beers for a reasonable $31 or a 1L bottle of liquor and 3 mixers for $125, which is a huge bargain.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – As long as they aren’t too busy, most of the girls will take you to rows of benches along the front or back walls, but some of the dances occur right on the crowded main floor, where even the most dexterous dancer will have a hard time doing her thing. Fortunately, if you’re willing to drop a reasonable $200 to go to the “G-Spot” (named for Jack Galardi, the former owner of Cheetahs and Miami’s King of Diamonds, among other clubs), you’ll have a lot more space and won’t be visible to anyone other than the half dozen or so other girls/guys who are giving/receiving dances.

Club Setup (6.5/10) – Cheetahs has the classic strip club setup that one sees in TV shows and movies: a single longish stage in the center of the club, a long bar lining a raised area off to the side, and a bunch of small tables (3-4 seats) all around. Although it’s a little cramped, it has been renovated somewhat over the past few years and has some dark corners where you can sit without all eyes on you, and I really like it overall.

Club Atmosphere (8.5/10) – From the bouncer who offered to allow me to bring my In-N-Out burger into the club, to the girls who latched onto our arms the second we walked in, to the bartender who promised to recommend a “Peter Tips” aka a “Dirty Peter” (redbull with a double shot of whiskey) to anyone who can’t decide what drink to order, to the DJ who played an hour block of hip hop at my request, my group is always treated like VIPs at this place, and I have no reason to believe that everyone doesn’t receive similar treatment. With its tendency to draw large crowds for a small space, Cheetahs could easily have a meat market type atmosphere, but they do a nice job of avoiding that vibe. The low lighting goes a long way to make up for the close quarters and the music keeps the energy up nicely.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Like all Vegas clubs, Cheetahs isn’t walkable, but it’s just a short cab or limo ride away from anywhere on the Strip.

Overall – The Spearmint Rhino is a bigger spectacle, the dances are better at Little Darlings, the happy hour is cheaper at Treasures and the setup is better at Hustler, but is there a better all-around club in Las Vegas right now than Cheetahs? Based on the fact that my group ended up here 3 of the 4 nights that we were in town during my most recent trip, I don’t think that there is. Either way, Cheetahs is a great club that has easily earned my Seal of Approval.

RAW SCORE = 68.5

GRADE = A+

Blush (Pittsburgh, PA)

Quality of Dances (11.5/20) - I didn't get the feeling that extras are available, but most of the girls provide a decent grind and two-way contact is encouraged to varying degrees. Most of them welcome some breast groping and some girls have told me I could do whatever I wanted as long as I made sure that the camera didn't have a clear sightline if I wanted to rub their crotches. In the past, I've gotten a lot more teasing than quality dancing at Blush and it's possible that some of the girls still do that, but all of my recent dances here have been fairly good. 

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – These ladies are, for the most part, fairly attractive, but they’re a noticeable step below what you’d find at Cheerleaders.  For whatever reason, most of the black dancers that I've seen here haven't done much for me, but most of the paler ladies relatively young, in fairly good shape and in the 6-8 range.

Number of Dancers (4.5/10) – On Friday and Saturday nights, I've seen 15-20 women dancing which sounds fairly good, but it's actually not great considering that the club gets packed with so many customers that you can barely move. I hate to tell a club to raise their cover charge, but they need to do something to thin out the crowd on weekend nights, or they need to hire more dancers, because what they had just wasn’t getting the job done.  At non-peak times, I've found about half as many dancers, but since there's usually only a handful of customers, the ratio was much more favorable. 

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3.5/5) – I’m giving them a 3.5, but the variety at Blush is as about good as you’ll find in western Pennsylvania.  Most of the ladies are black or white, but I’ve seen a few Asians and olive skinned ladies as well, and there’s sufficient size variation. 

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – These girls are nice enough once you talk to them, but like everywhere else in Pittsburgh, there are so many customers at prime time that the ladies don’t mind giving customers attitude, especially if they don’t think those particular customers are likely to be big spenders.   Ladies, maybe pissing a guy off won’t cost you anything tonight because you’re busy, but it will cost you tomorrow when the club is dead and the only potential customer is the guy you just pissed off. 

Value (4/10) – Everything is slightly more expensive than it should be with a $10 cover, $30 dances (a slightly discounted $79 if you buy 3) and $10 drinks, but nothing is too outlandish.  Plus, you certainly get more for your money from the nude stage action than you do from the topless show at Cheerleaders.  I was quoted $220 for a half hour upstairs or $360 for a full hour, but I'm not sure what exactly that includes.  

Dance Setup (6/10) – The chairs aren’t particularly comfortable, but you get your own booth with an opaque curtain blocking the view from anyone else.  I was told that there's a camera in there, but I didn't get the feeling that anyone monitors that too closely.  As an added bonus, they have TV screens in each booth that show the stage, so you can watch that if you're bored by the lady you're with.  Though, if you're bored by the lady you're with, why did you just give her $30 for a dance?      

Club Setup (2/10) – Blush is a small club with a narrow stage along the right side wall, a reasonably long but very narrow square bar in a raised area along the back wall and a small cage-like stage in a back corner, but most of the club is standing room only.   That would be awkward but tolerable under normal circumstances, but this place can get so packed that you’ll get more contact from other customers bumping into you than you could hope to get from the dancers.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – This place can be cramped and just generally crazy, but it's actually a fun place to hang out for an hour or two, especially before or after a sporting event.  It's too crowded for large groups, but groups of about 4 guys or less should have a good time in here.  

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Blush is right downtown and is within easy walking distance of several hotels and the Consol Energy Center and PNC Park.  Parking can be a bit of a pain in the ass, but you can usually find street parking nearby, and if not, there's a parking garage right across the street.   

Overall - You can get better contact at Silky's in McKees Rocks, the girls are hotter at Cheerleaders and Club Erotica, and the Filly Corral is great if you're willing to drive for a half hour, but the combination of reasonably hot girls, fairly good dances, nude stage action, a full bar and a nice, relaxed vibe, makes Blush my favorite option when I'm in or around downtown Pittsburgh.    

RAW SCORE = 52.5

Hong Kong (Tijuana, Mexico)

Some people say that Hong Kong and the neighboring Adelita Bar are strip clubs.  Other people say that they’re whorehouses.  The truth is, they’re whatever you want them to be.  If you want to down a few beers while looking at some of the most beautiful women in the world, they’re strip clubs to you.  If you want to grab a girl, negotiate a deal and then fuck, they’re brothels.  And if you want to take in the sights, have a few beers, find your favorite girl and then take her upstairs, they’re pretty much heaven.  I’m a strip club expert, so that’s what my scores are based on, but just know that these places have even more to offer than the scores would suggest. 

Quality of Dances (18/20) – The ladies don’t want to do anything for $20 that’s going to prevent you from dropping $70 for sex, but short of trying to finish you off, these dances are as good as they could possibly be.  The girls get naked and provide full upper and lower body two-way contact.   And if you're left wanting more, that can be easily arranged.   

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – I admit that I have a thing for Mexicans, but these are some of the hottest that I've seen.  Some look a little worn out and there are more implants than I’d like to see, but a substantial portion of this workforce could pass for models or actresses.  Young, in good shape and willing makes for a very nice experience.  

Number of Dancers (10/10) – It doesn’t get much better than a dozen or more girls dancing at a time.  And when I say “dancing,” I don’t mean working the crowd; I mean stripping naked on a stage or a bar.  Since a lot of the girls disappear to the motel upstairs for a half hour at a time, it’s tough to get an accurate count of how many girls are actually working, but it’s among the most that I’ve ever seen at a club.  You might have to wait a while if you have your heart set on a particular girl, but you’ll never be at a want for attention from some true beauties. 

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – There’s some size variation and a mix of natural and enhanced ladies, but you’re out of luck if you don’t like Mexicans.  Luckily, that’s not an issue for me.  At all. 

Attitudes (3.5/10) – The language barrier is expected since the club is in Mexico, but since I’m writing this from an American strip club goer’s perspective, I’m going to have to dock them a few points because it really does make communication difficult with some of the ladies.  Still, hand gestures and dollar bills are universal enough that you won’t have any problem getting what you want, just don’t count on having any meaningful conversation unless your Spanish is at least passable.  Having said that, most of the girls are really friendly if you do manage to understand each other, and their enthusiasm for putting on a stunning stage show is admirable.   

Value (10/10) – There’s technically no cover, but you’re expected to buy a $4 Sol and to hand out dollar tips to various employees throughout your visit.  That’s a very small price to pay, though, for the best stage show that I’ve ever seen.  You really can’t look any direction without seeing a naked dime, but the real action is in the back of the club.  That’s where the lesbian action goes on, both in a bubble bath and on a shaving cream covered stage, and most of the ladies don’t seem to have any problem with guys inserting a finger or getting a taste at the stage for a dollar.  Whether eating out a Tijuana prostitute is a good idea is up to you, but it’s hard to knock the value that the opportunity presents.  At night, the shows are even more ridiculous.  A girl basically rubs herself with a vibrator until a customer offers a dollar, then she hands it over to allow the guy to insert it a few times.  And even if you don’t want to leave your seat, a dollar will be plenty to get you a feel or a mini table dance.  Real, fairly long lap dances are a reasonable value at $21, but they aren’t terribly popular since it’s not as great of a deal as the half hour sessions in the motel upstairs.  That will run you somewhere around $90, with $70 going to the girl, $16 going to the motel, $1 going to the club for a robe so that the girl can take the two steps down the street to the motel without getting dressed, and another buck or two to the guys who will clean up the room after your half hour romp.  All told, the price for sex will be about $15 more here than at Adelita Bar, but either way, you’re banging a model-quality girl for less than a Benjamin, so I wouldn’t sweat it. 

Club Setup (9/10) – Hong Kong is a great looking club.   The perfect lighting and numerous stages throughout the room ensure that everyone will have a good view of something worth viewing, and there are enough places to sit that you should be able to find a seat that’s perfect for your mood.  There are a few bars, there are plenty of places to sit or stand in the middle of the action, there are small booths around the outside where you can chat up a girl or relax while taking in the sights, and there’s even an upstairs balcony area towards the front of the club where you can look down at some of the stages, although that’s a little too far from the action to be ideal once the novelty of the unique vantage point wears off. My favorite place is probably near the back of the club where you have a great view of the shaving cream and bubble bath shows (on the main level during the day and upstairs at night), but there really isn’t a bad seat in the house.

Dance Setup (8/10) – Dances are given up on the balcony level of the club in individual closed booths.  The doors to the booths let in some light, but it’s very private since no one can see in, and the guy who keeps track of the time has the courtesy to knock on the door when your time’s up rather than opening the door and seeing what you’re up to.

If you’re looking to get more intimate with a lady, that action technically takes place outside of the club, though it’s really just a few steps from the club’s door to the motel’s door.  The rooms are simple but relatively clean, and they each have a shower and a toilet so you can clean up before or after your “date.”   

Atmosphere (7/10) – The party atmosphere in the place is amazing in the evening, and even better at night. Clubs that are filled with girls who fuck for money can be depressing if the atmosphere isn’t perfect, but there's an energy at Hong Kong like I’ve only seen at some of the Vegas clubs.  Guys just come here looking for a party, and the girls are more than willing to provide it.  Even if you aren’t looking to get your dick wet, the hot girls, the cold beer, and the jaw dropping stage show make this a perfect place for a night out with the boys.  Or at least it would be if you could fully let your guard down, which you probably shouldn't if you're a relative Tijuana newbie. 

Location (0/5) – Park on the U.S. side of the border, walk across and take a taxi to Hong Kong for $5.  The driver will try to convince you that other clubs are better because other clubs pay a better kickback, but stick to your guns – Adelita Bar and Hong Kong are the only clubs you should consider.  Luckily, they’re only a half block away from each other, so you can always check them both out before dropping any real money.  If your only knowledge of Tijuana comes from sensationalist U.S. news stories, you might be a little nervous about heading to this club, but you should be fine if you stay aware of your surroundings and get the hell back to the border if anything seems off. It should be particularly safe if you keep your visit to daylight hours, but I've felt perfectly safe while drinking here into the early morning. Still, the need to cross the border to go to Hong Kong makes it impossible for me to give them any points for location.   

RAW SCORE = 75.5

Overall – Hong Kong is one of, if not the, best brothels in North America.  More importantly for my purposes, it is one of, if not the, best strip clubs I’ve ever been to.  If it were located 200 yards to the north, it would be pretty much perfect.  Of course, if it were located 200 yards to the north, the San Diego Police Department would have it shut down immediately. 

If you’ve never been there before, I’m sure that your real question is whether it’s worth the risk to go, but you’ll have to answer that question for yourself.  For me, though, it’s a no brainer – any time that I find myself in Southern California, I make a trip to Hong Kong.  

Hi-Way Playground (Yukon, PA)

I won’t be able to write a full review since I wasn’t even invited to enter the main room of the Hi-Way Playground, but I saw more than enough to tell you that it’s definitely not worth visiting.

I wasn’t expecting a lot since I showed up in the afternoon, but it’s still pretty sad that the only girl in the building was working the front desk. The entrance to the club is in a room where they display a bunch of porn videos (no idea whether they’re for sale or if you can jerk off to them in their video booths, but I didn’t feel any need to inquire into that), and then you need to pay a $15 cover to get entry into the main room. The one nice thing about paying the cover is that you’ll then get free all-you-can-drink beer, but the girl at the front desk didn’t feel like dancing on stage, so she gave me the following options: 1) buy a lap dance from her; 2) buy a VIP dance from her; or, 3) get the fuck out. I chose option 1 so that’s what this review is based on, but I really should have chosen option 3.   

Quality of Dances (11/20) – My lap dance was actually fairly decent, with some solid grinding and a little over-the-pants mouth action, but it wasn’t anything special and wasn’t nearly as good as you’ll find down the road at the Filly Corral.

Quality of Dancers (4/10) - I don’t feel bad making generalizations about a group of dancers, but I really don’t want to rip an individual girl, so I’ll just say that the one I saw wasn’t bad looking, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to see her. 

Number of Dancers (0.5/10) – Even for the day shift, one girl working the front desk and no girls working the club is unacceptable.

Variety of Dancers (0/5) – It’s not really fair of me to say they have no variety since I only saw one girl, but that’s the price they pay for only having one dancer working. Regardless, I’d be shocked if they ever have any non-white dancers (or customers) in this backwoods joint.

Attitudes (1/10) – I was already put off by the girl asking what kind of dance I wanted at the front desk, but her asking for a tip before the lap dance even started was the deal breaker.

Value (4/10) – It’s not a bad value if you just want to drink some beer and watch the stage if there’s actually someone on the stage, but $30 for lap dances (3 for $70 if you want the bulk discount) and $100 for 15 minutes of VIP dances aren’t great values, and those were the only options while I was there. 

Club Setup (0/10) – This is yet another category that I can’t fairly rate, but I didn’t get to see the main part of the club, so fuck ‘em.

Dance Setup (6/10) – Dances are given on old, uncomfortable couches in booths down a brightly lit hallway in the back of the club.  Although they don’t close the curtains for the regular dances, no one will be able to see you unless they happen to be walking to their own dances, but I assume doesn’t happen all that often.

Atmosphere (1/10) – Alcohol makes everything better, so the free beer is worth a point. This place is a dump though.

Location (0.5/5) – The club is right off of exit 53 of I-70 in Yukon, Pennsylvania about 45 minutes outside of Pittsburgh.  It’s only a few miles from the vastly superior Filly Corral and a Flying J travel plaza, but there’s really nothing else in the area that you’d want to visit.  The one nice thing is that they have plenty of parking, but that’s in a pothole filled gravel parking lot where you’re probably not going to want to take a nice car even if you inexplicably would otherwise want to visit this shithole.  

Overall – Even though I’m sure I didn’t see Hi-Way Playground at it’s best, I feel confident in saying that it’s almost certainly a really bad club no matter when you visit. Even if it were mediocre, though, it still wouldn’t be worth visiting since one of Pennyslvania’s best clubs, the Filly Corral, is just 2 exits down I-70. Just do yourself a favor and don't go here. 

RAW SCORE = 28

Mons Venus (Tampa, FL)

Quality of Dances (17/20) – The dances at Mons Venus are excellent.  They’re fully nude, there’s a ton of grinding and you can touch anywhere except between the legs, though some girls also request that you don’t focus too much on their nipples.  You won’t be finishing in here unless you’re a little quick on the trigger, but I’ve never had a dance at Mons that I didn’t enjoy.

Quality of Dancers (10/10) – The ladies in this place are blazing, and that’s especially impressive since it’s a nude club that prevents them from hiding any flaws.  Pretty much all of them are in the 7+ range, and there are several 9s and 10s working on any given night.

Number of Dancers (10/10) – There are 4 or 5 girls on stage at a time, and pretty much one girl for each guy in the crowd on weeknights.  That can be annoying in a lesser club since you’ll constantly be bothered by girls who might fall below your standards, but there’s no filler at Mons Venus, so you know that the girls who will be harassing you are hot.

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of these girls are young, thin and white, but I’m giving them a little credit because the few black girls that they do have are amazing, and their Asians aren’t bad at all either.  The most unique variety that I’ve seen, though, is in the pubic hair department.  As you’d expect, there are lots of bald eagles, but I’ve also seen some 70’s style super bushes, including one on a girl who galloped around the stage in the most awkward manner possible but still would rate as a perfect 10 on any straight man’s scale.

Attitudes (2.5/10) – This isn’t the place to come for conversation.  If you want a dance, they’ll provide it, and if you don’t, they’ll find someone who does.  On the bright side, they’re too busy to waste time playing games about prices, and they’re mostly honest about counting dances, though it’s never a bad idea to keep track yourself just to be safe.    

Value (7/10) – The $20 cover is a little steep, though it’s an alcohol free club and waters are only two bucks, so I can’t complain about that too much.  The dance prices vary between $20 to $30 depending on the girl, but the songs are insanely long and you should be able to get a slight discount if you buy in bulk.  Six for $100 is about the best offer that I heard without doing much negotiating, but I’m sure you can do a little better than that if you’re there on a slow night and don’t mind looking like a cheapskate. 

Club Setup (3/10) – As with 2001 Odyssey across the street, this place is much smaller than you’d expected for a world famous club.  There’s a moderately sized main stage in the center of the room with a bunch of shitty seats around it, and benches along both sides of the room and a raised area in the back provide for some extra seating, but the setup definitely leaves a lot to be desired overall.  The bathroom, in particular, is ridiculous. A bathroom can either have a stall-less shitter or an attendant, but the combination made me feel like I was in this old Saturday Night Live sketch.    

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – On the one side of the club, there’s a long bench for dances. It faces away from the stage, but there’s a mirror in front of you so you can get a good view of what your girl is doing, but, unfortunately, that means everyone else can see what she’s up to as well. On the other side of the club, there’s a long couch/bench dance area, but patrons who aren’t getting dances sit over there too so it’s not at all private. The one saving grace is that the ceiling is mirrored, so you do get a unique view, but this is still a pretty poor dance setup for a club that’s known as a lap dance factory.

Atmosphere (4/10) – The atmosphere in here is about as good as it gets for an alcohol free club.  It’s much closer to the party vibe of the Las Vegas Little Darlings than it is to the sad, creepy ambiance of the juicebars in New England.

Location (4/5) – A convenience store next door that sells cans of beer with paper bags is next door, a liquor store is within walking distance, 2001 Odyssey is right across the street and Scores is just a few feet away.  If you stay at the Howard Johnson across the street, the location is perfect, and it isn’t terribly inconvenient from the airport.  It’s not downtown, but there’s really no reason to stay downtown anyway. 

Overall – Mons Venus has gorgeous dancers, great dances, and is just generally a fun place to spend part of an evening.  I’ve only previously given the seal of approval to one alcohol-free club, but Mons Venus is deserving of the distinction.  If you’re in Tampa, go here.   

RAW SCORE = 60.5