Camelot West (Lexington, KY)

Quality of Dances (12.5/20) – You're probably better off sticking with table dances, but if you can manage to find anyone worth getting a lap dance from, you should be pleased with the quality.  The girls give a good grind and encourage at least moderate two way contact, and a lot of girls will graze their hands over your crotch.  Many of the girls will promise that lots of fun can be had if the reasonably priced locked private booths, but I had zero interest in getting more intimate with these ladies.

Quality of Dancers (1/10) – Most of these ladies were a little older, a little larger, or both.  I only saw one who I'd rate above a 6, and most of them were in the 2-5 range on the non-pro scale.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – I saw about a half dozen dancers and there was a decent dancer to customer ratio, but that really doesn't do you any good if the only attractive girl is tied up with regulars for the entire evening.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – They've got a fairly even mix of black and white dancers, and I did see one Latina as well.  You really don't have much choice of who to look at, though, when there's only one hot dancer in the building.  As for size, it seemed to correlate with skin tone, so you're out of luck if you're looking for a larger white lady or a smaller black one.

Attitude of Dancers (5.5/10) – They're not going to be getting many customers who just stop in because they're passing by and think it looks like a nice place to check out.  They know that everyone who stops here is a regular or at least a potential regular, so they treat customers accordingly.  If they'd get rid of the strung out girls, this score would be higher, but everyone is really friendly and you should be able to have some decent conversation if that's what you're looking for.

Value (7.5/10) – You can't beat $2.25 beers and no cover during happy hour, and, even in the evening, $3.50 beers and a $5 cover are a bargain. You'll bore quickly if you're tring to be a spectator since the stage is empty for long stretches of time, but the $5 table dances are a popular way to stretch your cash, and most of the girls offer full lap dances for two-for-$25 or two-for-$30.

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance area is a separate section of the club beside the dj booth, so the dj and anyone who is giving or receiving a dance can see what you're up to.  Still, since most people stick to the table dances, the lack of dividers between the couches isn't a deal breaker.

Club Setup (1/10) – I rarely care about strip club restrooms, but the facilities at Camelot West are so bad that I'd be doing you a disservice to not mention them. There are two urinals in the room and the door doesn't lock, so it's clearly not meant to be a one-at-a-time deal, but there's a toilet in there with no stall or dividers whatsoever.  I don't even know whether it would be more awkward dropping a deuce in front of a guy who's just trying to take a piss, or if it would be worse to be pissing in front of a guy who's laying some cable, but neither would be good.  And if that's not enough, there's a makeshift peephole (or a glory hole for a micro-penis?) between the men's and women's bathrooms that's been plugged up with toilet paper.  The worst part, though, is that the bathroom looks exactly how you expect it to look based on the rundown shithole that is Camelot West.  If it were better maintained, the setup might not actually be that bad - there's a raised area near the front that helps everyone get a good view of the small octagonal stage and there's plenty of seating at either the long bar or the small tables that are scattered around the room - but it's better days had to have been several presidencies ago.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place is a pure dive bar, so the crowd really can make the difference between it being a solid place to pound a few beers and it being a shithole where you wouldn't want to spend much time.  Unfortunately, half the crowd seemed a little rough and the other half consisted of creepy old men in way-too-short basketball shorts. I can't fault their logic, because the basketball shorts in a strip club is to guys looking to buy sex what the rolled up right pant leg was to guys looking to buy drugs in the 90s, but have a little self respect and wear some proper clothes. Cargos or khaki shorts are acceptable on a hot day and offer similar access without the side effect of creeping out every girl in the place.  Sure, it will require a little more work in telling the girls what you want, but that's a small price to pay to maintain your dignity.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – The club is in a strip mall on the west side of Lexingon. It's easy to get to an there's more than enough parking, but I didn't get the sense that this is the best part of town.

Overall – Camelot West is a run down piece of shit club where you really shouldn't plan to go if you're just looking for dances. If, on the other hand, you're looking or more than that, it might be worth keeping in mind since it's the safest bet for extra services in the Lexington area. Even then, I'd take my chances at one of the other clubs first, but you should be comforted to know that Camelot West is there if the other clubs have left you high and dry by the time that you're down to your last $100.

RAW SCORE = 38.5

Camelot East (Lexington, KY)

Quality of Dances (8/20) – The dances at Camelot East as mediocre as can be.  The girls all provide some slow, sensual friction, but there isn't much grinding and two way contact is rarely encouraged.  Several girls promise that much more fun can be had in the VIP room, but I need to see a little more out of the girls during the regular dances before I consider dropping that kind of cash, so I can't confirm that.   

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – Just like the dances, the dancers at this place are pretty run-of-the-mill.  I saw two beauties, but most of the girls were 6s and 7s, and a few would rate a little below that.  They do have decent quality control, though, because I didn't see anyone who was terribly unattractive.

Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – They had over a dozen women working during my lone Saturday evening visit, which was at least one dancer for every customer.  Unfortunately, half of them barely peaked their heads out of the dressing room and the other half barely circulated, so it took way too long to get anyone's attention to get a dance.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Like a lot of the other Lexington clubs, this place has mostly white dancers with a few token black girls.  A few hot redheads and a few slightly thicker (though still far from thick) girls were enough to keep things interesting for my hour and a half long visit, but I'd have definitely gotten bored by these ladies if I'd stayed for an entire evening.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – I saw a few strung-out girls, but most of them are fairly friendly once you get a chance to talk to them.  The real problem, though, is that it's next to impossible to get any of them to talk to you if you aren't a regular.

Value (5/10) – The good news is that the cover is only $5, the $5 table dances are a bargain and you can get beers for just $3.75.  The bad news is that the dances are overpriced at $25 for the topless version or $40 for fully nude and the stage action is fairly weak, with entire songs frequently playing to an empty stage.  If you want to upgrade to private dances, that will run you $100 for 15 minutes or $50 plus whatever you negotiate with the dancer for a half hour.

Dance Setup (2/10) –  Dances are given on relatively comfortable couches in a separate raised area near the entrance of the club.  No one from the main part of the club can see you, but there's no privacy within the dance room.  That means that anyone else who is back there can see as much as they want, so it's pretty bad if other guys are getting dances at the same time.

Club Setup (2.5/10) – Camelot East really makes an effort to pull off the classy look but somehow falls short of that and just ends up being sterile.  That's a big step up from their other location, which leaves you feeling like you need to be sterilized, but I hate the long white tablecloth look at an otherwise mediocre club.  The tables themselves are only big enough for two people and all of the seats are lined up to face the medium sized stage in the center of the room.  The tables at least break up the rows of chairs enough to prevent it from feeling too much like a theater, but I'd much rather avoid them and sit at the bench along the right side wall or the small but nice bar near the entrance.  The one place I really don't want to be sitting, though, is on their stall-less shitter.  I guess they're just trying to prevent guys from going in there and beating off, but having to worry about that kind of undermines their attempts at classiness.  

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – The setup prevents this place from working for large groups and the sterility prevents it from being ideal for a quick beer after work, so I'm really not sure who it's supposed to appeal to.  It seems safe enough, but I was itching to leave by the end of my first beer and generally wouldn't want to hang out there for an extended period of time.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – I've seen strip clubs in strip malls before, but this is the first time that I've ever seen one that shares a strip mall with a church.  I don't know which was there first, but I'm impressed that they can coexist.  You don't need to worry about anyone seeing you go into the club though, because Camelot East's entrance is at the back of the building.  The club is a few miles from downtown, but they have plenty of parking and there's a bus stop right across the street.

Overall – That's like a 40-degree day. Ain't nobody got nothing to say about a 40-degree day. Fifty. Bring a smile to your face. Sixty, shit, niggas is damn near barbecuing on that motherfucker. Go down to 20, niggas get their bitch on. Get their blood complaining. But forty? Nobody give a fuck about 40. Nobody remember 40, and y'all niggas is giving me way too many 40-degree days! What the fuck? ~ Stringer Bell (The Wire)

Camelot East is the 40-degree day of strip clubs.  Not good enough to warrant a visit or bad enough to be memorable.  Just average or slightly below across the board.  

RAW SCORE = 41