Friday, April 18, 2014

Email Backup

Hey everybody,

I know a bunch of you have emailed me lately and I haven't answered. I've been out of regular Internet access for some time now. I'll try to get to your questions as soon as possible.

I'd say I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but given what I've been doing for these last few months, I'm totally not sorry at all.

Peter

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The Dushku Limit

This is Eliza Dushku:


You may recognize her from the underrated cinematic gem Bring It On (no, I'm not being sarcastic; that movie kicks ass) and the TV series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You might also recognize her from the list of women you're never going to bang. Why not? Because she's too hot for you. But that's okay; it's nothing to be ashamed of. She's too hot for me, and everyone I know, and probably everyone that you and I have ever met. Eliza Dushku is aspirational. She is past the point where working stiffs, degenerates, and even jet-setting strip club reviewers can expect to ever get with her. She has reached a critical mass of hotness. Which brings me to my next point.

This is Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar:


You're not gonna bang him either. Not because he's too hot for you. Because he's dead. Very dead. Chandrasekhar was a 20th century astrophysicist (1910-1995) who made a number of significant contributions to his field, the most famous of which was calculating a value later named the Chandrasekhar limit. The Chandrasekhar limit is the maximum mass of a stable white dwarf star. A white dwarf star with mass greater than the Chandrasekhar limit will eventually collapse and become a neutron star or black hole.

So the Chandrasekhar limit is the point of no return for white dwarfs; the boundary which, if crossed, means certain gravitational collapse. And it doesn't matter how much you exceed the limit by. One percent too big: gravitational collapse. Five times too big: gravitational collapse. There are only two buckets in which a dwarf can fall: those which are doomed and those which are not.

Right now, you're probably asking yourself: Peter, WTF can Eliza Dushku and Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar possibly have in common, besides their piercing stares and silly sounding last names? Allow me to explain.

A while back, I was at Devil's Point in Portland, and looking around at the women, I was having a hard time adequately quantifying their hotness for my review. They were hot, for sure. Ridiculously hot. Stupidly hot. Shockingly hot. But were they 9s, 9.5s, 10s? And what does it even mean to be a 10? Is it ever fair to give out that score? What if a more attractive group of dancers came along? Would that blow up the whole system?

While struggling with those questions, I had a revelation: It didn't matter that someone might be hotter than these women, because they had already passed the point where relative hotness is relevant. Essentially, they're so beautiful that you aren't allowed to ask for anything more.

(Because I spent much of high school obsessing over the cosmos,) I immediately realized that this was a strip club parallel to the Chandrasekhar limit. Like dwarf stars with a weight beyond the Chandrasekhar limit, these women had reached critical mass and thus, functionally, all belonged to the same class of beauty. And that critical mass, that line, will hereby be referred to as the Dushku Limit.

The Dushku Limit: the point at which a woman is so hot that it doesn't matter that women hotter than her exist.

Why the Dushku Limit?

Because Eliza sits right on that line. She is indisputably stunning, but you could totally hear one of your friends saying something absurd like "She's not really my type." Are you serious, bro?! It's Eliza fucking Dushku! She's absolutely your type. There is no room for debate about her attractiveness.

Also, Dushku Limit rolls off the tongue so beautifully. Dushku Limit. Dushku Limit. It's a wonderful sounding phrase. 

Please feel free to incorporate this term into your every day conversations. Hat tips appreciated, but not required.

You're welcome.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Paisas Club (Bogota, Colombia)

Sorry for the long delay since my last post. If you've followed my twitter account, you know I've been busy traveling around 5 continents over the past few months, but I think I should be settling down soon. I can't make any promises, but I'm going to try to get back to my weekly posting schedule. I have several Detroit and Bogota reviews started and I'm working on some more from other random places, but just need to find the time to finish them off. Now, on to the review of my favorite club in Bogota, Colombia, Paisa Club...

Dances (15/20) - The fully nude extended table dances are very good, but they're not the reason that anyone comes here. Sure, you'll see girls dances at several tables (usually  going from guy to guy in a group rather than sticking with one guy for the duration), but pretty much everyone is here to watch the stage show or take a girl upstairs to fuck. 

Dancers (8/10) - A lot of people prefer the surgically enhanced ladies at La Piscina, but the ones at Paisa Club are right up my alley. All Latina, all with cute faces, and all with perfectly curvy asses that they know how to shake. 

Variety (3/5) - The variety at Paisa is fairly impressive. Every age from about 20 to more than double that is represented, there's a good mix of natural and implanted (both tits and ass) ladies, and there's good size variation as well. As long as you're into Colombianas, there will be several women here who you find to be very attractive. 

Number (6.5/10) - This is a large club that can get packed on the weekends, but they have plenty of women to meet the demands of the crowd. Early in the evening, they usually only have a few dancers working, but there are several dozen working by the time it gets busy. A lot of them don't sit and drink, so you may have to either approach them or point out the one you want to a waiter, but you should always be able to get some company fairly quickly if you want it. This score would have been higher, but they unfortunately only have a girl on stage about half the time, even when it's busy. 

Attitudes (3.5/10) - These ladies are almost all very friendly once you talk to them (as long as you talk to them in Spanish), but it's unfortunate that most of them just stand around waiting for a guy to take them upstairs for "amor" rather than drinking with customers. That's not uncommon for the Colombian clubs, but it's still a little bit of a bummer. 

Value (9/10) - The 4,000 peso beers aren't cheap by Colombian standards, but I can't complain about that since it's only $2 US, there's no cover, stage tipping is pretty much unheard of, and most of the girls will offer to take you to a room for a half hour of sex for around 50,000 pesos ($25 US). 

Club Setup (6/10) This is a fairly narrow club, but it's deep and has a ton of seating. Other than late on Friday or Saturday, finding a seat shouldn't be a problem, and there're more seats upstairs overlooking the stage for anyone who's getting bottle service. The stage is only a few feet wide, but runs almost the whole way from the front to the back of the club, so you'll get a chance to see the dancers up close at some point in their sets wherever you're seated. My favorite thing about this place, though, is that the pole goes through a hole in the ceiling to the 2nd floor (where the dressing room is), so girls slide down it like a fireman's pole to start their stage sets. 

Dance Setup (0/10) - If you want a lap dance, it's going to be right at your table in the middle of the room. For that, I have to give them the goose egg here, but the private bedrooms upstairs with a bed, shower and sink are fine if you're looking to do more than that. 

Atmosphere (6.5/10) - The crowd can be a little rough and you'll stand out if you're not Colombian, but I've never had any problems in here and I really enjoy the party vibe when it's busy. 

Location (3.5/5) - A lot of people will warn you about the Santa Fe neighborhood, but I've always felt perfectly comfortable on this block as long as the bars are open. The best thing about the location is that there are several other clubs within a few feet of the front door, so you can easily pop your head in and out of a few of them to see who has the best talent on any given night. 

Overall - I highly recommend Paisa Club if seeing hypnotizing Colombian asses shaking sounds like something you'd be interested in. If you don't care about seeing girls strip and are strictly looking to find someone for sex, there are a few other options that might be a little better, but Paisa Club has been my go-to spot while in Bogota for the past two months.

TOTAL SCORE = 60.5

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Fuzzy Holes (Johnson City, TN)


Quality of Dances (4.5/20) – There’s some one way contact here, but you know the dances aren’t going to be great when you’re told to put your hands on the armrests at the start. That’s not quite as bad as the table dances, though, where you’re technically supposed to put your hands behind you back. That’s fairly uncomfortable since there are small tables between every other chair that get in the way of both your arm and the dancer who is trying to get in the vicinity of your lap, but, considering the cost savings and the uselessness of the regular dances, the table dances are still a much better option. 

Quality of Dancers (4.5/10) – I saw two fairly hot dancers and several who were decent, but it’s definitely the kind of place where there are going to be some sloppy bellies and girls you’re probably going to want to avoid. This is the only club I’ve been to in Tennessee, so these ladies may be fairly good for this part of the country if you’re into tatted chicks, but they’re mediocre on the national scale. 

Number of Dancers (4/10) – There were only about a half dozen girls working during my Thursday night visit, but that was adequate given the lack of customers. I’ll have to take their word for it that the number of dancers goes up appropriately on Friday and Saturday evenings and when there are races in Bristol. 

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – I saw thin white ladies, thick white ladies, white ladies with blonde hair and white ladies with brown hair, but I got the impression that you’re out of luck if you’re looking for anything other than white ladies.

Attitudes (7.5/10) – As in most neighborhood clubs like this, you’re going to find dancers who are happy to sit and chat for a little while before trying to sell dances. At Fuzzy Holes, they’re particularly friendly and I didn’t have anyone ask for tips or even ask how much change I wanted when I handed them $40 for a $30 dance – they just gave me a ten-dollar bill back and acted like they assumed I wouldn’t be tipping anything. That, of course, lead to me giving them nice tips, which was probably their plan all along, but it still made for a nice experience.  

Value (6.5/10) – The $10 cover charge isn’t bad for a BYOB place (there’s a gas station that sells beer right down the street), $4 Red Bull is reasonable, the stage value is ok, the table dances are a bargain at $10 each, and they have either 2-for-1 table dances or 2-for-1 couch dances for at least a few hours most nights. Unfortunately, the full-priced $30 couch dances are a rip off, but my biggest problem with the value is that you don’t actually get to see any nudity here. I had assumed that a place called Fuzzy Holes would be fully nude, but it turns out that this is a pastie club. Even though the pasties are small, I expect to see bare titties in a tittie bar and Fuzzy Holes unfortunately isn’t legally allowed to live up to that expectation. 

Club Setup (3/10) – Fuzzy Holes is a little run down, but it’s a fairly large club with a decent main stage in the center of the room, a tiny caged stage in the corner, a small stage with a couch off to the one side and a weird vampire-themed stage on the other side (apparently all of the dancers dress up as vampires on Friday nights, but I didn’t get to witness that). The real problem with the club, though, is the seating. They have a few tall tables in the back, but everyone else is stuck in uncomfortable chairs lined up in rows facing the main stage, and small tables crammed between every other chair really just get in the way.

Dance Setup (3/10) – Lap dances are provided in the “VIP” room in the back where there are 4 or 5 couches and a small unused stage. There’s no privacy if anyone else is getting a dance while you are and the dj could see you if he wanted to, but I doubt that anyone else will be getting a dance unless you’re there on a 2-for-1 night and I didn’t notice the dj looking, so you’ll have at least some privacy.

Atmosphere (4/10) – For a neighborhood type of place, the atmosphere in here is decent. I don’t think that most places would be able to pull of the mix of hip hop and country music that the dj plays, but they play it at a reasonable volume and they somehow make it work. It was a little depressing when I was there because it was dead, but I think it could be fun if you show up with enough friends and enough beer. Then again, what place wouldn’t be fun if you did that?  

Location (2/5) – This place is about a half hour from Bristol Motor Speedway and slightly less far to the amazing Ridgewood Barbecue, but I suspect that most people who aren’t from here won’t have any reason to be much closer to Fuzzy holes than that. If you do find yourself in Johnson City, Tennessee, though, it’s not far at all from downtown.

Overall – I’ve been meaning to visit Fuzzy Holes for years due to its amazing name, but, unfortunately, the name is the highlight of the joint. I haven’t been to any other clubs around here so I can’t compare it to your other options if you’re in the area, but it’s really not a very good strip club. If I were in this area for an extended period of time, I’d make the 3-4 hour drive to one of the many very solid clubs in Atlanta, GA, Lexington, KY, or Columbia, SC, but I won’t be returning to Fuzzy Holes.   


RAW SCORE = 42

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Chicas Bonitas (North Las Vegas, NV)

Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – These are some of the most aggressive lap dances that I’ve gotten in Las Vegas. There’s great grinding, upper and lower body two-way contact is encouraged (my hand was moved straight to one girl’s crotch despite me having neither the intention nor the interest in reaching down there), and the girls that I got dances from were active with their hands and mouths over the pants. Extras would be difficult given the lack of privacy, but I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that some of these girls offer them anyway.

Quality of Dancers (2/10) – Sadly, there was nothing bonita about these chicas. Out of the eight dancers who were working when I stopped by, only 2 would have been above a 5 on the 0-10 non-dancer scale, and there would a few who could not have paid me to accept a dance.  

Number of Dancers (3/10) – There were nearly as many dancers as customers during my afternoon visit, but I can’t give them too much credit since there were only two attractive ladies in the building. You shouldn’t have to wait too long for attention since the regulars don’t seem to be big spenders, but you’re out of luck if you’re hoping to have a lot of beauties to choose from.   

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – There’s a nice mix of thin and very thick black and Latina dancers, but there are exactly as many white dancers as you would expect from a club called Chicas Bonitas.

Attitudes (6/10) – Despite the fact that this is a neighborhood type of place where everyone is treated well, these ladies had a hard edge to them that prevented me from wanting to get into any long conversations. They’re not unfriendly, but I don’t think you’ll be making any real connections with these dancers.

Value (7/10) – For Vegas, it’s hard to complain about no cover charge, $4.50 drinks and $10 table dances, and even the $25 lap dances in the back aren’t a bad deal. If you’ve blown all your money at the casinos and the more upscale clubs, this might not be a bad place to stretch a buck if you care more about a bargain than you do about your personal safety.   

Club Setup (1.5/10) – There’s a brightly lit main stage in the front, a large bar with TVs showing soccer games in the back, and a ton of uncomfortable chairs with wraparound tables attached throughout the club. Those chair/table combos were annoying enough in elementary school, but in a strip club where women should be sitting on your lap, they’re completely inexcusable. 

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Dances are given in a back room that’s mostly separated from the main room by a curtain, but the curtain is somewhat sheer and there’s a big opening in the middle where people can look in, and the bouncer pokes his head in once per song to make sure that you aren’t haven’t too much fun. A soft bench goes around the perimeter of the back room so there are plenty of choices of places to sit, but there’re no dividers or anything else to block the view of other people who are getting dances. Luckily, table dances seem to be a more popular option than real lap dances, so you shouldn’t have too much company in the dance room if you do decide to go back there.

Atmosphere (0/10) – I enjoyed the mix of hip hop and Latin music, but that’s pretty much the only good thing I can say about the atmosphere in here. Seeing a shoving match and a drunk guy passed out in the club without management reacting in any way whatsoever would be bad enough at night, but it’s just ridiculous to witness that during the day shift. If you do go here, I strongly encourage you to do so before the sun goes down, because I got the impression that this is the kind of place where some of the customers could get a little stabby at night.

Location (1.5/5) – It’s right down the street from the Palomino (the only nude Las Vegas club that serves alcohol) and is right across the street from a relatively small casino, but Chicas Bonitas is pretty far out of the way if you’re staying on the Strip or even on Freemont Street.

Overall – Chicas Bonitas is the type of place where, if you’re murdered, no one will feel bad for you. It’s kind of what you expect to have happen when you go to a place called Chicas Bonitas in North Las Vegas. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are many strip clubs that I love so much that I’m willing to visit even if it means that I have to risk dying a death that will bring shame upon my family. It’s just that Chicas Bonitas is not one of them.  If you’re in this neighborhood and are desperate to hit a club, go to the Palomino and let me know what you think. I still haven’t been there, but it has to be better than this dump.


RAW SCORE = 39.5

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Little Darlings (Las Vegas, NV)

Quality of Dances (18/20) – Although there's variation from girl to girl and extras are rarely if ever offered, most of the dances at Little Darlings are among the best I've ever gotten. You just can't beat laying down on your back with a naked girl laying/sitting/grinding on top of you. There are a few girls who try to take you to the couches instead of the "beds," and they're a waste of time, but everyone else that I've experienced has been amazing. Also, some of the girls charge extra to allow you to touch them "anywhere but the pussy," but for the price, it's hard to blame them. The only warning that I should give is that you should probably wear reasonably thick pants if you're squeamish about bodily fluids, because under the black lights on the main floor, my pants looked like evidence from a scene on CSI.

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – My most recent visit was a little underwhelming, but I'm going to assume that I just caught them on an off night, because the quality of ladies here has been consistently outstanding over the course of several visits over the past 4 years.  Girls have to be old enough to drink to work at a club that serves alcohol in Nevada, so when they turn 21, the hottest ones spread out among the big-money places. Until then, they only have a few choices, and most of the hottest ones end up at Little Darlings. Older women who don't have their shit together know that they can't compete with hot teenagers, so most of the 20-somethings who work here also look great.

Number of Dancers (8.5/10) – This place doesn't have as many girls as a place like the Rhino or Sapphire, but it doesn't have nearly as many customers either. I've visited several times and never seen worse than a 2-to-1 customer to dancer ratio, and it's usually much better than that. Generally, there are a few dozen girls working.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – You won't find a lot of old girls here, but other than that, the variety is great. Black, white, asian, thick (some would argue a little too thick) and thin dancers are all well represented.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – For years, the dancers here were some of the friendliest I'd ever met, but I've barely been able to get a word out of any of them before they ask if I want a dance and then either take me to the back or walk away during my past few visits. They are at least friendly enough while you're getting your dance, but most of them don't even offer to join you back at your table after your dances these days.  For anyone who got used to the way the club was from 2009 until around 2011, the current attitudes are tragic.

Value (6/10) – The $33 cover here is brutal (reduced to $5 before 10pm if you print a pass from their website and don't show up in a cab), but sodas are free, so if you've brought your own liquor, you'll be drinking on the cheap. Also, they give taxi drivers some money for dropping you off, so before you get a ride to Little Darlings, get the cabbie to agree to give you $10-15 each. If you don't feel like dealing with that, you can get the club to send you a limo for free, but since they aren't making money on alcohol, you'll still have to pay the cover. Officially dances are no-contact and cost $20, but almost every girl will allow your hands to roam if you pay $30. That's usually more than I'd be willing to spend, but since there are frequent 2-for-1 specials, it's hard to complain about paying $15 per full contact dance.

Dance Setup (10/10) – The dances are given in booths back in a maze of hallways, and the entrances to the booths are covered with a semi-opaque curtain, so the only people who can even partially see in are dancers and customers who are walking to/from their own dances. There is one booth at the end of the hallway that is completely private, so if a girl takes you there, you know you're in for a good time.  The real key to the dance setup here, though, is that most of the booths have "beds," which are basically tables that are horizontal from the waist down and at a 30 degree angle from the waist up. This really is a spectacular dance setup.

Club Setup (5/10) – The tables are a little bit cramped, the chairs aren't terribly comfortable, and there are no private corners, but everyone has a good view of the stage where the pole action is about as good as I've seen.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – Since this is a nude club, they can't serve alcohol or allow customers to bring their own. Because of that, my crew usually makes this our go-to place early in the evening while we're still recovering from the previous night or late in the night once we've already had enough to drink. Also, as long as you aren't too obvious about it, you shouldn't have any problem bringing in your own liquor and mixing it with the free soda. Other than that, the atmosphere is pretty relaxed and you'll probably have a good time here either by yourself or with a group of guys. The music is good, but check their website to see if it's a theme night, because I was ready to stab my eardrums by the end of rock night.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Like everywhere else in Vegas, it isn't within walking distance, but they'll send you a limo.

Overall – I'm not quite as high on Little Darlings as I was a few years ago due to the declining attitudes, but it's still an excellent club. If they served alcohol, it would probably be my top choice in Vegas, though, realistically, if they started serving it the young girls would be gone, less attractive girls would move in, and the overall experience would probably decline. The bottom line is that if you only hit one club in Vegas, it should probably be somewhere with alcohol, but if you hit several, Little Darlings should be one of them.

TOTAL SCORE = 69


Sunday, June 30, 2013

Las Chavelas (Tijuana, Mexico)




Quality of Dances (18/20) – My dance was excellent with unlimited two-way contact and plenty of grinding, and the only reason that it wasn’t even better was that I told my girl that I just wanted a dance rather than her other services. I was assured, however, that the price would have included a skilled blowjob, and that promise was confirmed by every server who came by winking and making the international miming symbol for a penis pushing up against the inside of a girl's cheek. 

Quality of Dancers (4/10) – The girls at Las Chavelas are a little older and a little thicker than you'll find elsewhere on Calle Coahuila, but most of them are still pleasant looking and some of them are in the 7-8 range. 

Number of Dancers (7/10) – It's hard to get a real good sense of how many girls are working since they're spread throughout the club sitting with customers, but I'd guess that there have been around 2 dozen working during each of my visits. I haven't been here at night because I'm not entirely insane, so maybe the ratio goes down when they're busy, but I've never found a dancer to customer ratio of much worse than 1-to-1. 

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – There's some size variation, but if you're not into 25-35 year old Mexican chicks, you're going to be out of luck. 

Attitudes (7/10) – This club works on the girl drink system and the girls sell them hard, but they're the friendliest on the block if you're willing to buy them their $8 beers. I've had girls sit with me for hours without even bringing up the topic of going upstairs, and they're all more than happy to help you practice your Spanish or load up your iTunes with the awesome music that plays in the club.

Value (7/10) – The 2-for-1 $4 beers are a steal and the $8 mini dancer beers aren't too bad for the amount of time that it gets you with the girl, and there's no cover. $48 for dances seems ridiculous at first, but it also gets you an hour in the private VIP room upstairs and probably a BJ or more, so it's hard to complain about that too much. Unfortunately, unless you 're into slow dancing with the girls on stage as many of the locals do, the stage value is usually petty poor. I did get to witness some excitement once when police chased a guy through the club and over the main stage, but I think, or at least I hope, that's not a regular occurrence.

Club Setup (6/10) – The most notable thing about Las Chavelas is the unique Western theme, with pretty much everything being made of wood or stone, lots of cow skulls around the room, and cactus shaped bar stools. Despite the gimmick, this is a reasonably nice place with bars in the front and the back and a ton of booth seating throughout the club. The booths are big enough for two guys to sit comfortably and two girls to snuggle up next to them, which is usually what happens.  The main stage is front and center in the club, so everyone should have a good view of it, and the live music stage off to the right side looks pretty solid, though I’ve unfortunately never seen it in use.

Dance Setup (10/10) – Dances are given in private VIP rooms on the second floor of the club. Each room is just for one guy and one girl, but they’re reasonably large, have soft bench seating around the outside, and have a door that closes and thick curtain that closes off the opening to the main part of the club. The nice thing is that, once you’re finished with your dance, you can open the curtain and look out over the club from your private room for the remainder of the hour. It’s easily among my favorite dance setups of all time. 

Atmosphere (2/10) – I have to admit upfront that I love this place. The Nortenas music is awesome, cheap beer makes everything better, and you'll almost certainly never see an American unless he's lost, he's one of my readers, or he's me. Having said that, I get the impression that this isn't the safest place in the world at night for white guys. At Hong Kong and Adelita, I think the staff keeps an eye on the Americans to make sure they aren't drawing the wrong kind of attention from any other customers, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. 

Location (0/5) – I can’t give them any credit for the location since you’re going to have to cross the border to get there and it’s not particularly safe, but it’s right between Hong Kong and Adelita, so it’s easy enough to stop by quickly if you’re visiting either of the two more famous clubs on the block.

Overall – Don’t bother going to Las Chavelas on your first trip to Tijuana, but it’s a nice option for 2-for-1 beers in the afternoon if you’ve made several visits to Hong Kong and Adelita and are ready for a more authentic Mexican strip club experience.

RAW SCORE = 62