Deja Vu New Orleans (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (14/20) – I got a good grind and plenty of two-way contact, and even got some unsolicited offers for extra services.  As far as Bourbon Street dances go, these are quite good.

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – These ladies are a small step down from Hustler and Little Darlings, but are mostly pretty decent with a few stunners and a few not so great.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They had more than enough ladies working for the slow night that I was there, with one girl on stage and several working the crowd at all times.

Variety of Dancers (2.5/5) – There’s a higher percentage of black dancers at Déjà Vu than at the other Bourbon Street Déjà Vu clubs (Hustler and Barely Legal), but there are still plenty of white women and a mix of thick and thin ladies. 

Attitudes (3/10) – These ladies aren’t unfriendly, but they hustle hard and several of them gave some of the most awkwardly delivered canned lines that I’ve ever heard.  I’m not going to hold one girl against the whole club, but I was particularly amused by the girl who called me a “scared chicken” because I turned down her offer of a BJ.  

Value (4.5/10) – They had a $6 cover on a night when most of the other clubs were free, but the $4 beers and 3 for $100 lap dances are both reasonable.  I was quoted $300 for the private dances upstairs, but was told that I’d be “satisfied” if I wanted to spend $200 and go to the last booth.

Club Setup (5.5/10) – The main room has very high ceilings and somewhat of a warehouse feel to it, but it’s still a decent club overall.  The main stage is reasonably large and has tall poles that allow for some tricks, there’s a standup bar along the right side wall, and a bunch of small tables with rolly chairs fill the rest of the room.   

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – Dances are given in nicely angled booths that are very similar to what they have across the street at Hustler, but the big difference is that there are no dance counting machines in here.  That’s a good thing if you negotiate a deal with your dancer and are sober enough to count.  It was a very bad thing for me.

Atmosphere (6/10) – The warehouse setting makes it a little weird and it’s definitely not upscale, but it’s still a good place to party with some friends.

Location (5/5) – As with all of the other Bourbon Street clubs, Déjà Vu has the perfect location.

Overall – Déjà Vu is a solid club that’s one of several places worth peeking your head into on Bourbon Street.  It’s not consistent enough for me to guarantee that you’ll have a good time, but it certainly has potential and you’re probably more likely to find extras here than at any of the other decent French Quarter clubs (Penthouse, Hustler and Barely Legal).

RAW SCORE = 58.5

Scores New Orleans (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (9/20) – There’s some two way contact and lightly touching their tits generally seems to be ok, but I didn’t get the feeling that groping would be appreciated and you aren’t going to get a purposeful grind. 

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – Most of the ladies in here are decent and some are amazing.  They’re comparable to what you’d find at Rick’s, but you’ll probably prefer these ladies if you aren’t a fan of implants.  

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They had plenty of ladies working on the night that I was there even though it was a little slow.  There was only one lady on stage, but there were enough working the crowd to make sure that anyone who wanted attention got it. 

Variety of Dancers (3/5) – Most of these ladies are white, but I also saw some Asians, some black girls and a surprising amount of pleasantly thick girls mixed in with the slender ladies.  

Attitudes (6/10) – There’s always some hustle in a tourist area strip club, but most of these ladies sit and chat and are just generally friendlier than you’ll find in most of the Bourbon Street clubs. 

Value (4/10) – There was no cover on the night that I was there (Monday) and the normal cover is in the $5-10 range, but the other prices aren’t as great.  Beers are $8 and normal dances are $40, though you can get a slightly more reasonable deal if you want to buy 3 for $100, and you can cheaply try out the ladies by getting mini dances from girls who come down off the stage.  Still, for Bourbon Street, that isn’t too bad.  

Club Setup (6.5/10) – There’s a nice bar in the back of the club near a long stage that was not used while I was there, a small main stage with stageside seating, a few high top tables and some bottle service booths.  It’s classy and worked well on the night that I was there, but I can’t imagine that there’s enough seating when it gets busy.

Dance Setup (3/10) – There’s a room upstairs with several nice couches inside where the lap dances are given.  The views are unobstructed within the room, but it is at least relatively dark and comfortable. 

Atmosphere (6.5/10) – Scores may take itself a little too seriously, but it’s still a fun place that’s particularly nice for couples or business people.

Location (5/5) – Scores is right on Bourbon Street, so it’s location couldn’t be any better.

Overall – I prefer the Hustler clubs and Penthouse to Scores, but you could do a lot worse than Scores if you’re looking for a slightly upscale club on Bourbon Street. 

RAW SCORE = 57.5

Little Darlings NOLA (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (16/20) – I was told that you can do “whatever you want to do” in the $200 private rooms, but the regular lap dances are excellent as well, with lots of grinding, some over the pants hand action, and lots of two-way contact.  I guess I was being too respectful and one point because a girl grabbed my hand, moved it straight to her crotch, and said, “you didn’t spend $40 to not touch my pussy.”

Quality of Dancers (4/10) – Some of these ladies are a little sloppy, but others are very hot, though you’re out of luck if you don’t like black ladies.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – They had more than enough dancers for the number of customers in the club.  One is on stage and one hustles at the entrance to the club, plus several more work the crowd at all times. 

Variety of Daners (1/5) – There’s a mix of thick and thin dancers, but there’s no racial diversity because this is an all black club. 

Attitudes (1/10) – The hustle is out of control at Little Darlings NOLA.  One girl followed me into the club from the door, another latched on immediately, and they both attempted to escort me straight to the dance area without even giving me a chance to grab a beer or have a seat in the main area of the club.   

Value (2.5/10) – The night was getting a little hazy by this point so I’m missing some details here, but dances range from $20-40, the private rooms are $200, beers are $6 and the cover is somewhere around $10. 

Club Setup (1/10) – This is a tiny, cramped club with a bunch of chairs in the main room facing the small stage, and a stand up bar with no stage view off to the side. It’s definitely not a place that you’d want to or be able to make yourself comfortable.  

Dance Setup (1/10) – There are curtains for the private dances, but the main dance area is a bright communal room with shitty benches and absolutely nothing to obstruct the view of anyone else in the room. 

Atmosphere (3/10) – There’s a party vibe in here, but it’s very loud and smoky, and I got some not-so-friendly looks for adding a little diversity to the previously all black crowd.

Location (5/5) – Little Darlings is right in the heart of Bourbon Street, so it’s the perfect location if you want to check it out on your way to somewhere better.

Overall – I had high hopes for this place based on my experiences at their Vegas location (one of my favorite clubs of all time), but Little Darlings NOLA was disappointing in pretty much every way.  Your chances of getting extras are probably better here than at any of the other Bourbon Street clubs, but unless that’s your sole objective, I’d prefer pretty much anywhere else over this place.  Hell, even if that were my sole objective, I’d still probably hit a different club and just end my night over at the Hollywood Spa a few blocks away.   

RAW SCORE = 41.5

Visions (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (16/20) – You’ll get an excellent grind, some over the pants hand action and possibly even some teasing with the mouth, and two way contact is standard.  Pretty much all of the ladies tolerate some tit groping, and most of them even encourage it.  If you’re looking for more than that, I was quoted $175 for 20 minutes in the “party room.”  No one was explicit about what goes on in the party room, but I was told that “what happens in there stays in there” and that the fee is good for “anything but sex,” whatever that means.

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – There may be a few 8s and 9s, but this is mostly a 6 and 7 type of place.  Still, despite the presence of a few post-pregnancy bellies, I didn’t see anyone bad and was generally pleased with the quality.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They usually have about 3 dancers on stage at a time and there are several girls working the crowd, but it’s more of a place for locals, so I wouldn’t expect quick attention if you aren’t one.  

Variety of Dancers (3.5/5) – I’ve seen a good mix of thick and thin black and white girls, but there don’t seem to be many, if any, Asians or Latinas in here.

Attitudes (8/10) – The ladies here are chatty, very low pressure, and basically the opposite of what you’d find on Bourbon Street.  One girl gave me an unsolicited tour of the club, another alerted me when I unknowingly dropped a few dollars on the floor, and pretty much all of them wait for a new song before starting a dance.  The girls do go from one person to the next while on stage and expect a tip, but it’s much better than the usual tip walk since they stop and shake it for a buck.    

Value (8/10) – There’s an $8 cover at night ($4 during the day), but you get a free drink ticket with that, so it’s really like a $4 cover at night and free during the day.  Beers are $4, mixed drinks are $6, and dances are $20 or $30, depending on where you want it, which is very reasonable since they play fairly long songs.

Club Setup (3/10) – This is not a classy club, but it’s a decent setup if you’re just looking for a place to down some beers and watch some girls.  There’s a huge “M” shaped stage that fills most of the room, attached stools around the bar (but slightly too far away from it), and really nowhere else to sit, though you can play pool in the back.  They do have some TVs, but they’re too small and/or too far from the people who can see them for anyone to really bother watching. 

Dance Setup (7/10) – For $20, you can sit on a shitty, uncomfortable bench that lines the brightly lit communal room.  The three corner seats are poor, but everywhere else is unacceptable.  Still, I’ll give them a decent score here since you can upgrade for just $10 more to your own room.  The rooms have open doors, but they’re angled in a way that makes them pretty solid, especially if you get one of the two in the back.   

Atmosphere (7/10) – You shouldn’t bring a girlfriend or a business partner here, but I really liked the atmosphere in a total dive bar strip club sort of way.  There’s a good mix of music, a decent crowd, friendly male bartenders and they’ve got the least pushy shot girl ever.  She barely even slowed down as she walked by and halfheartedly said, “shot?”  This is definitely a place that I’d hang out for a while.  

Location (3/5) – The location is the only real drawback of Visions since you’re not going to be walking here from anywhere that you’re likely to be staying if you’re from out of town.  It’s about a $20 fifteen minute cab ride from the French Quarter, which is a bit of a pain in the ass, but you can more than make up that lost money by getting one drink and two dances here that you’d have otherwise gotten on Bourbon Street. 

Overall – Visions is everything that a shithole dive bar strip club should be.  It is, by far, my favorite club in New Orleans.

RAW SCORE = 67.5

Barely Legal (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (11/20) – The dances here are similar to what you’ll find at the Hustler Club down the street – some light grinding with varying degrees of two way contact.  I wouldn’t come here expecting amazing dances, but they certainly aren’t bad enough to keep me away.

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – There are a few really hot girls here, but for the most part they’re decent but unspectacular.  Mostly in the 6-7 range.  And if you’re expecting to see lots of “barely legal” girls, you’re going to be disappointed – they seem to be about the same age as the girls at all of the other clubs, for better or worse. 

Number of Dancers (5/10) – While I was there on a Sunday night during Jazz Fest, they had one girl on stage and a few girls working the crowd.  It wasn’t enough, but it wasn’t too bad.  

Variety of Dancers (4/5) – Most of the ladies that I saw were relatively thin, but it’s hard to complain when there are attractive black, white and Asian dancers working at the same time.

Attitudes (5.5/10) – You aren’t going to find a hustle-free club on Bourbon Street and Barely Legal is no exception, but the attitudes here are above average for the area.  Some girls still give a high pressure VIP sales pitch, but most are happy to sit and chat for a bit as long as you spend some money eventually.

Value (6/10) – You should be able to find free admission passes somewhere in the area (I grabbed one off the ground in front of the club), but the usual cover is somewhere around $3-5 with an additional $10 charge if you want to go to the VIP floor where you’ll have access to the balcony over Bourbon Street.  Beer prices vary on different nights, but should be between $3-6 each, and I got a redbull with a double shot of whiskey for $7.50, which isn’t bad at all.  The stage show is above average and dances are a decent value at $30 each since they run frequent two-for-ones, so this is a bargain as far as French Quarter strip clubs go even though it isn’t super cheap.  

Club Setup (8.5/10) – Barely Legal is a very nice club.  There’s a decent center stage with 2 poles and seats surrounding it, lots of small tables with rolly chairs throughout the club, a decent bar in the back, and a sweet VIP area upstairs where you can go out on a balcony over Bourbon Street and throw beads at the passing ladies.  Unfortunately, the only street nudity that I saw was an old dude hanging dong, but it definitely has potential.  Also, I wasn’t there at the right time of year, but there’s a courtyard with a swimming pool that opens up in the summer that I need to get back to experience.

Dance Setup (7/10) – Dances are given in booths with timers like at the Bourbon Street Hustler and many other Déjà Vu clubs.  Some of the booths are very private and others are only moderately so, but they all operate the same way: the girl takes your $30 and feeds it into the machine, which then starts counting down your time until the light changes from green to red and your dance ends.  Some people think it’s a bit of a buzzkill, but I like knowing that I’m going to get the amount of dance time that I paid for in a city like New Orleans, where I’m likely to be so drunk that there’s no possibility of me accurately counting dances. If you want to upgrade to the VIP rooms, they have frosted doors and look very private, but I’m not sure what to read into the bouncer’s comment that “they’re monitored, but anything goes as long as it’s consensual and legal.”   

Atmosphere (6.5/10) – The music is solid, there are a surprisingly large number of female customers for a place as creepily named as “Barely Legal,” and it’s generally an all around good time. 

Location (5/5) – You won’t find a better location for a strip club than right in the heart of Bourbon Street. 

Overall – Barely Legal is one of my three favorite French Quarter strip clubs (along with Hustler and the slightly superior Penthouse Club), but it’s not quite as good as my overall score would lead you to believe.  As I noted with regards to Hustler, Barely Legal manages to get a very high overall score by being solid across the board, but they don’t excel in any one area.  Still, as long as you’re going in with reasonable expectations for a tourist area strip club, you should have a good time here. 

RAW SCORE = 65