Notes on Cruisin' Chubbys (Wisconsin Dells, WI)

As I mentioned in my Penthouse Detroit post, I'm clearing out some old notes. I'm just going to post them as is, so they won't be in full sentence and may not make any sense at all, but hopefully they're of some use to you. Just keep in mind that these aren't proper reviews - they may have been based on only 1 or 2 visits that probably took place 2-3 years ago, and I may have been extremely intoxicated. 

Club Setup (6/10) This place is like a big cabin. Everything is wood inside and there are deer heads on the walls. There's a huge main stage and a ton of seats around it. There a a few bars - a long stand up bar and another shorter stand up bar in the back near another stage. There are 7 tall tables on the main floor and a few more tables in the back. They need more seats away from the stage, but it's still solid. Good lighting effects. There's also a shower stage downstairs, but that seems to be reserved for bachelor parties.  They have a bunch of TVs, but unfortunately they were only showing club promotions what I was there. We're already here. What's the point? 

Quality of Dancers (7.5) Two were two absolutely smokin and a 3rd was way too skinny for me but still hot and right up some guys' alleys. 

Variety (0.5/5) There were some curves but all the girls were white, which isn't terribly surprising given the location. 

Number of dancers (2/5) There were only 4 dancers there during my evening visit, and two of those only appeared during their stage shows. Even though the club was dead, that wasn't enough dancers. 

Atmosphere (6.5/10) It could be solid with a group despite the less than ideal seating. Good music. Mostly R&B hip hop. 

Value (5.5/10) $10 cover, $5.50 Spotted Cow and $4.50 domestics. Lots of specials. 3 for 2 dances on Mondays and Tuesdays. 3 for $80 nude dances. $20 topless dances. Decent stage value with nude shows and a little contact. 

Dances (10.5/20) Good grind but lots of "don't touch the dancers" signs. 2 way not encouraged and probably not allowed other than the outsides of their legs, but I didn't push my luck. Only real downer was that, during the 3 for $80 nude dance set, one girl had to stop to take a shit. Can't say I was entirely comfortable with here grinding on my leg for the song and a half that was left after she finished that.  

Dance Setup (4/10)  nude downstairs in private booths with wooden walls and sheer curtain and comfy leather love seat. Would be 7.5/10, but the topless dance area isn't as good. Top less along back wall. That would earn them a  0.5 so I'll split it. 

Attitudes (3/10) I wasn't impressed. They didn't circulate. Two of the 4 stayed in the dressing room. They ask for tips and otherwise ignore guys. 3

Location (4/5) Technically, the location isn't great, but huge props from them offering a free shuttle to local hotels. I wish every club did that.

Overall - This place had a ton of potential, but it seemed like I might have visited them on an off night with only a few dancers in such a large, nice club. I hope to get back to re-evaluate, but that may have to wait for a while.  

RAW SCORE = 49.5

Notes on Diamond Jim's Gentleman's Club (Beloit, WI)

As I mentioned in my Penthouse Detroit post, I'm clearing out some old notes. I'm just going to post them as is, so they won't be in full sentence and may not make any sense at all, but hopefully they're of some use to you. Just keep in mind that these aren't proper reviews - they may have been based on only 1 or 2 visits that probably took place 2-3 years ago, and I may have been extremely intoxicated. 

Value (5/10) The cover is $7 early in the evening and $10 late but there wasn't a cover when I stopped by for the day shift. $3 Miller Lite and 2 drink min (stupid with cover). Pretty solid beer selection. Nude stage shows with some interaction but not great. $25 topless dances. 

Number of Dancers (2/10) Four girls were working but there were none to be seen an hour after opening at 4pm. Not really fair to judge based on day shift, but nearly a dozen customers with 0-2 dancers on the floor at a time was pretty rough. 

Variety (1.5/5) Of the four dancers I saw, one was black and three were white, but it can't score too high based on the small number of dancers. There was at least some size variation. 

Dancer Quality (6/10) Two of the girls that I saw were very cute. Maybe they sacrifice quantity for quality?  

Club Setup (4.5/10) Decent bar near entrance and another in back. 2 decent sized pit stages. Lots of tables and rolly chairs and a few nice reserved couches . Long fairly large club. (Note: My notes are based on how the club was in 2013. According to their website, they've made recent renovations, so it may be nicer now)

Atmosphere (2.5/10) Bad 80s music, depressing in the day. Could be solid at night but still a little diveish.

Attitudes (6.5/10) They sit and chat. Some push lady drinks but not too bad and they seem to be appreciative if you buy them. One returned a few bucks that I'd dropped on the floor. They try to sell you on going to the VIP. 

Dances 10.5 Two way contact is allowed but mostly legs and ass though some are ok with touching their tits. Decent grind. 

Dance Setup (3/10) There's soft bench seating with big dividers between everyone so you can only see if across or walking by. There are lots of spaces so you shouldn't have anyone looking at you during your dance.

Location (1.5/5) It's about half way between Beloit and Janesville, but not particularly close to either.

Overall - Diamond Jim's was fine for one visit, but I didn't feel any need to go out of my way to return. 

RAW SCORE = 43

Notes on Club Bristol (Sun Prairie, WI)

As I mentioned in my Penthouse Detroit post, I'm clearing out some old notes. I'm just going to post them as is, so they won't be in full sentence and may not make any sense at all, but hopefully they're of some use to you. Just keep in mind that these aren't proper reviews - they may have been based on only 1 or 2 visits that probably took place 2-3 years ago, and I may have been extremely intoxicated. 

Club Setup (3/10) It's a bit of a dump, but there's a decent sized pit main stage and another small (unused) stage near the entrance. A very large bar occupies most of the club and around it there are a few tall tables and four small tables with rolly chairs. There's a weird smoking area that looks like its meant for cattle. 

Dancers 5 all ok but one very cute and one pretty rough. 

Variety (3/5) There was a mix of black girls from Milwaukee and white girls and a nice mix of sizes. 

Number of Dancers (4/10) There were about 8 dancers on the day shift with more than a 1-1 dancer-to-customer ratio. That's still not a lot but is good for small club. The short 2 song sets means that you good to look at a different girls every few minutes, so that's nice. 

Atomsphere (3/10) It was too quiet and bright for my tastes. Despite the decent music (mostly hip hop) and the friendly bartendress's best efforts, it was a little depressing. 

Attitudes (7/10) Girls were friendly. They sat and chatted for a little or a lot before asking about dances. 

Quality of Dances (11.5/20) They were variable but all included a good grind and varying degrees of 2 way contact. Girls told me that some girls there give blow jobs, but none of the girls that I got dances from were offering that, and it seemed unlikely based on the high number of cameras. 

Dance Setup (4.5/10) There are comfy chairs in individual boots. People can see in the entrance of some but ones in the corner are pretty good. Bouncer peeks occasionally and demands to see your hands to make sure you aren't touching too much, and there are lots of cameras.

Value (6/10) $4 beer, no cover in day, nude stage show with some naked head stands but just ok though some contact, $20 dances. $7 cover at night.

Location (1.5/5) This place is about twice as far outside of madison as Silk (in the opposite direction), so it's not particularly accessible but isn't a bad drive if you aren't in the mood to drink too much.

Overall - I stopped by this place on the way back to Madison from the Hardware Store in Clyman. I preferred the Hardware Store, but Club Bristol is more accessible (or at least less inaccessible), so I'd probably go here more often if I spent a lot of time in Madison. It's a half-decent club though. 

RAW SCORE = 43.5

Notes on the Hardware Store (Clyman, WI)

As I mentioned in my Penthouse Detroit post, I'm clearing out some old notes. I'm just going to post them as is, so they won't be in full sentence and may not make any sense at all, but hopefully they're of some use to you. Just keep in mind that these aren't proper reviews - they may have been based on only 1 or 2 visits that probably took place 2-3 years ago, and I may have been extremely intoxicated. 

Number (3.5/10) There were two girls when I arrived in the afternoon at first and 2 more eventually showed up. The bartender read the 2 late ones the riot act. I was told that there were usually at least half dozen girls, but I only visited once, so I can't confirm that. 

Dancers (3.5/10) There girls weren't awful but one was thicker than most would like and one was way too thin. The two who showed up later were a little hotter but still nothing to write home about (if you're the kind of person who writes home about strippers). 

Variety (0.5/5) There was some size variation but all the girls were black chicks from Milwaukee during my visit.

Club Setup (2/10) There's a long simple bar and a narrow pit stage, plus one table in the main room. The other room has a pool table and dart board and a few tables and a small stage a few inches above the floor.

Dance Setup (6/10) There are very dark booths with leather seats in a small room in the back of the club. They're angled so people can only can see you if they're directly across from you and they probably won't be. The bouncer doesn't check on what you're up to.  

Dance Quality (15/20) These girls give a great grind and having them put my dick and the pants covering it into their mouths seemed pretty standard. Tit groping and crotch rubbing was encouraged. They all put their tits in my face and one girl put her hand up my shorts to grab my dick briefly, but she was trying to sell the ViP experience for $175 so she didn't try to finish me off, but she implied that everything was available for that price.  Some weren't quite as good but they still gave a great grind and full 2-way contact. 

Attitudes (4/10) This is a neighborhood place but there's still a tip walk. They're riendly once you talk to them, but they're a little hard on VIP and drink sales. One girl even had the nerve to ask me if I could tip her for her stage show as I walked in the door for the first time. 

Atmosphere (4/10) The R&B music felt out of place at such a county style club in the middle of nowhere, but I enjoyed it.  It seemed like it could be fun if you went with a group, but it was filled with depressed looking old white guys when I was there during the day shift. 

Value (7/10) - There's no cover during the day, beers are $4 beers, and you get some solid stage interaction for a few bucks. 

Location (0/5) - To get to the Hardware store, you have to drive to to the middle of nowhere then drive for another half hour. 

Overall - If the location were better, it would be one of my regular spot when I'm visiting friend in Wisconsin, but it's just a little to far from anything to be worth visiting often. 

RAW SCORE = 45.5

Fuzzy Holes (Johnson City, TN)

Quality of Dances (4.5/20) – There’s some one way contact here, but you know the dances aren’t going to be great when you’re told to put your hands on the armrests at the start. That’s not quite as bad as the table dances, though, where you’re technically supposed to put your hands behind you back. That’s fairly uncomfortable since there are small tables between every other chair that get in the way of both your arm and the dancer who is trying to get in the vicinity of your lap, but, considering the cost savings and the uselessness of the regular dances, the table dances are still a much better option. 

Quality of Dancers (4.5/10) – I saw two fairly hot dancers and several who were decent, but it’s definitely the kind of place where there are going to be some sloppy bellies and girls you’re probably going to want to avoid. This is the only club I’ve been to in Tennessee, so these ladies may be fairly good for this part of the country if you’re into tatted chicks, but they’re mediocre on the national scale. 

Number of Dancers (4/10) – There were only about a half dozen girls working during my Thursday night visit, but that was adequate given the lack of customers. I’ll have to take their word for it that the number of dancers goes up appropriately on Friday and Saturday evenings and when there are races in Bristol. 

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – I saw thin white ladies, thick white ladies, white ladies with blonde hair and white ladies with brown hair, but I got the impression that you’re out of luck if you’re looking for anything other than white ladies.

Attitudes (7.5/10) – As in most neighborhood clubs like this, you’re going to find dancers who are happy to sit and chat for a little while before trying to sell dances. At Fuzzy Holes, they’re particularly friendly and I didn’t have anyone ask for tips or even ask how much change I wanted when I handed them $40 for a $30 dance – they just gave me a ten-dollar bill back and acted like they assumed I wouldn’t be tipping anything. That, of course, lead to me giving them nice tips, which was probably their plan all along, but it still made for a nice experience.  

Value (6.5/10) – The $10 cover charge isn’t bad for a BYOB place (there’s a gas station that sells beer right down the street), $4 Red Bull is reasonable, the stage value is ok, the table dances are a bargain at $10 each, and they have either 2-for-1 table dances or 2-for-1 couch dances for at least a few hours most nights. Unfortunately, the full-priced $30 couch dances are a rip off, but my biggest problem with the value is that you don’t actually get to see any nudity here. I had assumed that a place called Fuzzy Holes would be fully nude, but it turns out that this is a pastie club. Even though the pasties are small, I expect to see bare titties in a tittie bar and Fuzzy Holes unfortunately isn’t legally allowed to live up to that expectation. 

Club Setup (3/10) – Fuzzy Holes is a little run down, but it’s a fairly large club with a decent main stage in the center of the room, a tiny caged stage in the corner, a small stage with a couch off to the one side and a weird vampire-themed stage on the other side (apparently all of the dancers dress up as vampires on Friday nights, but I didn’t get to witness that). The real problem with the club, though, is the seating. They have a few tall tables in the back, but everyone else is stuck in uncomfortable chairs lined up in rows facing the main stage, and small tables crammed between every other chair really just get in the way.

Dance Setup (3/10) – Lap dances are provided in the “VIP” room in the back where there are 4 or 5 couches and a small unused stage. There’s no privacy if anyone else is getting a dance while you are and the dj could see you if he wanted to, but I doubt that anyone else will be getting a dance unless you’re there on a 2-for-1 night and I didn’t notice the dj looking, so you’ll have at least some privacy.

Atmosphere (4/10) – For a neighborhood type of place, the atmosphere in here is decent. I don’t think that most places would be able to pull of the mix of hip hop and country music that the dj plays, but they play it at a reasonable volume and they somehow make it work. It was a little depressing when I was there because it was dead, but I think it could be fun if you show up with enough friends and enough beer. Then again, what place wouldn’t be fun if you did that?  

Location (2/5) – This place is about a half hour from Bristol Motor Speedway and slightly less far to the amazing Ridgewood Barbecue, but I suspect that most people who aren’t from here won’t have any reason to be much closer to Fuzzy holes than that. If you do find yourself in Johnson City, Tennessee, though, it’s not far at all from downtown.

Overall – I’ve been meaning to visit Fuzzy Holes for years due to its amazing name, but, unfortunately, the name is the highlight of the joint. I haven’t been to any other clubs around here so I can’t compare it to your other options if you’re in the area, but it’s really not a very good strip club. If I were in this area for an extended period of time, I’d make the 3-4 hour drive to one of the many very solid clubs in Atlanta, GA, Lexington, KY, or Columbia, SC, but I won’t be returning to Fuzzy Holes.   

RAW SCORE = 42

Adelita Bar (Tijuana, Mexico)

Quality of Dances (0/20) – There are no lapdances at Adelita  The thought is that no one would want to get a dance from a girl when they could just as easily bang them in the motel upstairs and, for the most part, they’re probably right.  Having said that, there are plenty of guys who love dances but draw the line somewhere short of fucking a Tijuana hooker and there are other guys who would be willing to pay $20 as a warmup for the real action, so I was disappointed by this.   A lot of the ladies rub your crotch, some hop on your lap for the sales pitch and one even offered to dance for me if I paid her the going rate for fucking, but I’m not counting any of that as lapdances.   

If you’re looking for sex, though, you’re in luck.  Once you find a girl you like, you offer her $60 and she’ll take you to the motel upstairs for a bj and sex (both with a condom).  You can probably negotiate anal or a bareback blowjob with some of the girls if you’re willing to drop some extra cash, but I can’t imagine coming here so often that you’re bored by the straightforward options.  They aren’t allowed to have the rooms right in the club, so you have to take a few steps outside of the front door of the club, then you go right up the stairs to a room with a bed, a shower and a toilet.  It’s nothing fancy, but it’s good enough for what you need, and it’s surprisingly clean.  The half hour time limit is strictly enforced by the motel employees, so you shouldn’t waste too much time getting down to business if you’ve got some stamina, but the actual sex if going to be as good as the girl you chose.  If you invest some time into looking around the club and finding a girl who you have at least a little chemistry with, you should not be disappointed.

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – There are some stunning Mexican dancers at Adelita, but I find them to be a slight step down from what I've seen at Hong Kong.  There are a few more implants and the average age is a little older here, but it would still take a very demanding customer to not be impressed by the overall talent level and in awe of a few of the ladies.

Number of Dancers (9/10) – There are usually around 3-5 ladies dancing at a time, and the room is always filled with ladies working the crowd.  The place was packed with customers, but there were still more than enough dancers to keep everyone satisfied.

Variety of Dancers (2/5) – The ages range from barely legal to late 30’s, there are plenty of natural and fake tits, they’ve got dark skinned and light skinned ladies and several of the dancers have dyed blond hair, but if you don’t like Mexicans, you’re SOL.  Fortunately for me, I love Mexicans.   

Attitudes (4.5/10) – There can be a bit of a language barrier here if you don’t speak Spanish, but I did find that it seemed to be less of an issue at Adelita than at Hong Kong, probably due in part to their ages. More of the Adelita dancers have been around since back when Americans regularly came down to Tijuana to party, but the early 20’s crowd has never had that, so they’ve never had a real reason to pick up English.  If you can manage to understand them, they’re all very friendly and and make lots of generous promises that I’m sure most of them keep.

Value (10/10) – There’s no cover, ice cold Sol is $3.25 and you can basically do whatever you want at the stage for a buck.  Want to show appreciation for the show? A dollar.  Grab a tit? A dollar.  Insert a finger?  A dollar.  Lick some puss?  A dollar, though you might want to save your cash for some antibiotics if eating out a Tijuana prostitute sounds like a good idea to you.  For the price of a $7 lady beer, you can have someone join you at your table, and most of them will sit on your lap or rub your crotch while they down their beer. If you’re looking to actually bang these ladies, the going rate is $60 to the girl plus an additional total of around $15 for the room, the robe for the girl to cover up while you take the two steps to the motel, and the guys who straighten up the sheets when you’re done. 

Club Setup (7/10) – There’s just one large room to Adelita.  There’s a long bar off to the right when you walk in, several stages throughout the room, booths around the outer walls and some additional booths closer to the stages.   The lighting is good and it’s just generally a nice setup to check out the ladies whether or not you plan on doing anything else with them. 

Dance Setup (0/10) – No dances equals no dance setup. 

Atmosphere (6/10) – It’s a little more laidback than the party over at Hong Kong, but it’s still clear that everyone is here to have a good time.  Their security staff supposedly looks out for Americans to make sure that you aren't drawing the wrong type of attention, but the fact that you can never fully let your guard down knocks this score down a little from what would otherwise be a 9/10.  

Location (0/5) – Park on the U.S. side of the border, walk across and take a taxi to Adelita for $5.  The driver will try to convince you that other clubs are better because other clubs pay a better kickback, but stick to your guns – Adelita Bar and Hong Kong are the only clubs you should consider.  Luckily, they’re only a half block away from each other, so you can always check them both out before dropping any real money.  If your only knowledge of Tijuana comes from sensationalist U.S. news stories, you might be a little nervous about heading to this club, but you should be fine if you stay aware of your surroundings and get the hell back to the border if anything seems off, particularly if you keep your visit to daylight hours. Still, the need to cross the border to go to Adelita makes it impossible for me to give them any points for location. 

TOTAL SCORE = 46.5

Overall = Adelita is a good but not great strip club.  It can’t hurt to peek your head in if you’re at Hong Kong anyway, but it’s really not worth going to Tijuana strictly for Adelita if you’re truly just looking to do some sightseeing.  Having said that, it’s an excellent brothel, so it’s worth the effort to get here if you're planning to take full advantage of their services. 

The Lodge (Dallas, TX)

Quality of Dances (12.5/20) – As with everywhere around here, your mileage may vary big time, but most girls give a good grind and two way contact is generally fine.  I don’t know how common extras are, but at least some of the ladies are pretty direct in offering them.  Without any prompting, I got this sales pitch from one of the first girls I accepted a dance from: “Are you sure you just want a lap dance? I bet you’d like getting your cock sucked even more.”

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – There are a ton of ridiculously overdone implants and too man post-plastic surgery faces at the Lodge, but nothing about this place made me expect subtlety.  A lot of guys like comic book tits, and, if you do, you’ll love this place.  I don’t, so I didn’t, but the ladies are relatively attractive overall even though it’s a definite step down from what you’d find at Baby Dolls or the Men’s Club. 

Number of Dancers (7/10) – They have one girl on the main stage, one girl on each of two satellite stages, and another girl dancing on a stage in the back, plus many girls work the crowd at all times.  It does seem to be somewhat of a local’s place and I didn’t get a whole lot of attention, but there are definitely plenty of women to look at.

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – Other than a few cute black dancers, this workforce was white and thin, mostly with enhanced tits. 

Attitudes (3.5/10) – These ladies aren’t unfriendly, but you shouldn’t expect much conversation before they ask for money because they’d understandably rather spend time with regulars than take a chance on an unfamiliar face.

Value (3/10) – There’s a $10 cover, beers are $6.75, and table dances are $20, so you’re not going to burn through money, but nothing is a bargain with the possible exception of the stage show, which usually allows you to get a little contact for a few bucks.

Club Setup (6.5/10) – You’re either going to love or hate the setup at this place. The ladies enter the main stage by walking out of a fake cave that’s surrounded by a stuffed leopard and various other animals, and the whole thing really looks more like a cheesy theme restaurant than a strip club.  The chandelier made of antlers really completes the look. Like a lot of the Texas clubs, there’s no pole on the main stage, but there are at least polls on the satellite stages at the Lodge, and everyone has a decent view from the small tables that fill the main room and the nice bar off to the one side.  There’s also another room in the back with a small stage, lots of chairs and another nice bar, and there are a few more seats upstairs. Overall, I think this may be the most ridiculous looking club in the world, but I do have to give them credit for being unique. 

Dance Setup (0/10) – You get your dance at your seat on the main floor, which is as bad as it gets.  Based on the offer of a bj, I assume there’s another location available for people who are willing to pay more, but no one pointed it out to me and I wasn’t interested in finding it anyway.

Atmosphere (6/10) – The Lodge tries to walk the fine line between having a party vibe and being an upscale gentlemen’s type of place. It doesn’t fully pull off either, but it’s not an uncomfortable place to hang out for a bit and have a few beers.

Location (3.5/5) – This isn’t downtown Dallas, but you’re within an easy cab ride of The Lodge from several hotels and two of the other top strip clubs in the area, Baby Dolls and The Men’s Club.  If you’re planning to make a night of hitting the Dallas strip clubs, you’ll be staying in this area, so the location is fine. 

Overall – I have no doubt that a lot of men will love The Lodge.  It’s got flash and big titted ladies and good lap dances with some available extras, and there’s really nothing wrong with that.  It’s just not my style, so I don’t have plans to return anytime soon. 

RAW SCORE = 49.5