4Play (Budapest, Hungary)

Quality of Dances (11.5/20) – The dances are long, nude and full contact, so you should have a fairly good experience.  When I didn’t take the initiative with contact, the one girl grabbed my hands and moved them to her tits, and most of the time when I wasn’t rubbing them, they were rubbing up against my face.  Sadly, there isn’t much of a grind and the girls waste part of the dance lying on the floor to let you see what you’re paying to touch.  Overall, though, not bad. 

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – There was a wider range of girls at 4Play than I saw at the other Budapest clubs, with some girls being absolutely stunning, and others being either too old or too out of shape for this line of work.  

Number of Dancers (6/10) – There weren’t a ton of dancers working during my visit (probably in the high single digits), but considering the size of the club and the size of the crowd, it was more than sufficient. 

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – Despite the variety of body types and ages, every attractive lady in the place was young, thin, and white. 

Attitudes (4/10) – As with all of the other clubs in Budapest (and possibly Europe), you’re going to have to buy the lady an overpriced drink if you want any company, but at least at this place, they’ll give you the courtesy of a tiny bit of small talk before asking.  They’re fairly friendly overall, and I was impressed that they provided the full 10 minute lap dances even without knowing that I was timing them. 

Value (3.5/10) – 8000 HUF (~ $40 US) may sound like a lot to spend for a lady champagne, but that’s the best deal that you’ll find in Budapest.  For your own drinks, it will be 1000 HUF for the shitty Hungarian beer or 1400 HUF for a Pilsner Urquell, which, for the record, tastes infinitely better when not having been shipped across the Atlantic in a green bottle.  The menu also indicates that they have cheaper draft beer, but they told me that they ran out of that, so I suspect that they never actually have it.  There’s no cover and the topless stage action is adequate, so it’s possible to have a reasonably priced visit to 4Play, and even the dances aren’t too terrible, at 7000 HUF (~ $35 US) for 7 minutes or 10000 HUF for 10 minutes. 

Club Setup (1.5/10) – This club is in a basement, and they’ve done a very poor job of disguising that fact.  There are three rooms to the club: a room with a bar with tiny stools and a shower stage that’s as small as a stand-up shower that you’d find in a house; a room with a very small stage and a few tables; and the main room with a small 2-poled stage, no stage seating, and several uncomfortable chairs.  And the whole place is lit up so brightly that it just makes the awkwardness of a dead club even worse. 

Dance Setup (4/10) – Lap dances are given in a separate part of the club in what looks and feels like a wine cellar.  Sheer curtains partially obscure the bench that you sit on, but they inexplicably stop just before the customer, so the guy next to you will have a clear view of your dance.  Not that it matters, though, since there’s a video camera perched in plain sight above you, capturing your every move. 

Atmosphere (2/10) – I really wanted to like this place, but it was absolutely dead while I was there at 11pm on a Friday night.  They swore to me that things would pick up around 1am, but I had no interest in wasting the better part of a night in Budapest to see whether they were right.  I’m skeptical, because I went straight from here to Hallo Bar, and that place was hopping. 

Location (3.5/5) – The club is walkable from Marilyn Table Dance Bar, Hallo Bar, and many of the hotels on the east side of the Danube, but it’s a fairly long and uneventful walk from any of those places.  It seems like a safe enough area though.

Overall – If the atmosphere were a little more lively, I’d say that you should visit 4Play, but, as is, you won’t be making a huge mistake if you don’t get a chance to stop by.  Having said that, it’s not a bad club by any means.  I prefer Marilyn Table Dance Bar overall, but 4Play narrowly has the best prices and friendliest dancers in town. 

RAW SCORE = 44

Palace Club (Budapest, Hungary)

Quality of Dances (10.5/20) – The privacy leads me to believe that more may be available from some of the girls, but all of my dances had little to no grind and nothing extra was offered.  Still, they weren’t bad at all with the girls getting naked and encouraging upper body groping. 

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – Some of the ladies have a hard, stereotypical Eastern European look, but most of them are fairly attractive and would rate somewhere around a 7 on the 0-10 scale.  One girl was absolutely stunning, but I wouldn’t count on meeting her, and due to her attitude, you might be better off if you don’t. 

Number of Dancers (7.5/10) – For such a small club to have over a dozen ladies working was very impressive.  Every group of guys was joined by at least one lady, and several more were just waiting for the opportunity to pounce. 

Variety of Dancers (0/5) – If thin white girls aren’t your preference, you’re out of luck at this place, because that’s all they have.

Attitudes (0.5/10) – Things started off promisingly, with most of the girls sitting and chatting until the waitress came by to ask if I’d like to “buy the lady a drink.”  If a club insists on using the dancer drink business model, that’s the way they should do it, so that was appreciated.  Then, the girls were even friendly while sipping their drinks and chatting, but things went south once they started the lap dance sales pitch. With several girls, it followed the same pattern: get me to agree to one dance (which I was more than willing to do), then try to upsell me to get more expensive dance options.  That’s not totally unexpected, but one girl in particular got belligerent when I declined her offer of a 70,000 HUF dance (about $350 US).  I’d already dropped about 40,000 HUF on her by this point, but she spent the entire 10 minute long dance calling me cheap and asking why I couldn’t spend money like all the other guys (who, by the way, didn’t appear to be spending much of anything).  Initially, the truth was that I needed to save some cash so that I could sample multiple girls and make this a more accurate review, but by the end, I had the additional justification that she was being a huge bitch.  

Value (0/10) – This, and it’s sister club, P1, were the only places in Budapest where they tried to charge a cover charge.  Here, it’s normally 3000 HUF, though it’s a better deal to print out the coupon from their website that gets you entry and 2 hours of pen bar for 6000 HUF.  Even if you just have 2 beers, since they’re 1900 HUF each, you’ll come out ahead.  Still, it’s pretty insulting to be charged a any cover at a club where you’re expected to buy inflated dancer drinks that start at 18000 HUF and go way up from there.  And, to make matters worse, they pour a glass of champagne for you from the lady’s bottle so that it will go faster.  Basically, they use every move from the how-to-nickel-and-dime-your-customers handbook.  The dances are the only aspect of this club that are an ok deal, at 10,000 HUF for 10 minutes, but agreeing to that is really just opening you up for an aggressive sales pitch for dances that are several times that expensive.   

Club Setup (4/10) – When you enter the place from the street, you’d think that it’s just a very unpopular restaurant, but the club is downstairs in a room that almost feels like a miniature airplane hangar.  There’s bench seating along the wall and nin small tables in front of the bench, so everyone has a great view of what may be the smallest main stage I’ve ever seen.  It couldn’t be more than about 4 feet by 4 feet.  Needless to say, there are no crazy acrobatics going on up there.  There’s also a nice bar in this room and a separate room with a few booths and another small, unused stage, but everyone seems to stick with the bench seating unless the place is busy. 

Dance Setup (10/10) – Dances are given on couches in fairly large individual rooms that are enclosed by opaque curtains.  There are a lot of things that I dislike about this club, but I have absolutely no complaints about the dance setup. 

Atmosphere (6/10) – The crowd was good and the atmosphere, while somewhat low key, was pretty solid.  If you can ignore the pushier dancers, this isn’t a bad place to have a few beers.

Location (5/5) – Palace is located right behind St. Stephen’s Basilica and is within easy walking distance of the Chain Bridge and most of the main tourist attractions in town.  The closest strip club is this place’s sister club, P1, but if you’re looking for better alternatives, Hallo Bar and Marilyn Table Dance Bar are both easily accessible from here as well.    

Overall – Unless you’re willing to make some enemies by drinking heavily for the 2 hour open bar while rejecting most or all of the approaching ladies, I’d skip palace.  It’s designed to take money from uninformed tourists, but luckily that’s not you. 

RAW SCORE = 46.5

Hallo Bar (Budapest, Hungary)

Quality of Dances (14/20) – “You touch me anywhere and I’ll touch you anywhere” was the sales pitch, and for the most part, they delivered.  No one tried to get inside my pants, but there was plenty of over-the-pants rubbing, tit grabbing was encouraged, and the girls get fully nude.  These are the best dances in Budapest, though they’re not quite good enough to make up for some of the drawbacks of this place.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – I didn’t see any real stunners, but, with one unfortunate exception, the entire work force was in the 6-8 range.  Overall, it’s enough to make for some decent eye candy even if there’s no one that you feel like you absolutely must get a dance with.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – With twice as many dancers as booths (15 and 7, respectively), everyone who wants to be joined by a few ladies will be.  The number of dancers was just about perfect for a small club like this. 

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – You won’t like Hungary if you don’t like relatively thin white girls, but there is at least a variety of skin tones at Hallo Bar.

Attitudes (0/10) – Watch out for ripoffs at this place, because agreeing to buy a girl a drink does not ensure that she’s going to buy one of the cheaper ones.  I thought I was pretty clear about what I was buying for one girl, but made the mistake of allowing her to place the order in Hungarian, then she got something that was moderately more expensive.  Not enough to break the bank (though they do have some of those drinks on the menu), but I hate spending time with a girl who rips me off for even a cent (or, in this case, about $15 US).  Even the ones who don’t try stunts like that are relentless with the sales pitch, asking you to buy a drink immediately, then if you do get one, they immediately ask you to buy the other, and this process repeats from the time she sits down until the time you cut her off or leave. 

Value (1.5/10) – There’s no cover, the nude stage show is a solid value, and dances aren’t bad at 10000 HUF (about $50 US) for 10 minutes of moderate to high contact, but watch out for the drinks because that’s where the club makes its money.  2000 HUF for a bottle of Heineken is rough, but it’s a bargain compared to the dancer drinks that start at 15000 HUF (about $75 US) and go up to at least 90000 HUF (about $450 US).  Whatever you do, pay in cash as you go, because I strongly suspect that a few of those 90000 HUF drinks will find their way to your bill if you use a card.  If you are going to go here, at least plan ahead and print out the free beer coupon from their website, because they do honor it.  

Club Setup (4/10) – This is a fairly classy looking place with a long raised runway-style stage in the center of the room, seating around the stage, a bar at the far end, and seven booths around the outside of the room.  It’s small enough that everyone has a good view of the stage, but you’re pretty much out of luck if there are at least 7 other groups of customers in the place. 

Dance Setup (8/10) – There are only 2 dance seats, so you may have to wait for one of them to open up (that’s just enough time for the girl to ask you to buy her another champagne), but once you get there, it’s nice and private.  You sit on a small bench/couch hybrid thing, and thick black curtains surround you.  It’s not a large area, but I’ll take privacy over spaciousness any day. 

Atmosphere (5.5/10) – There’s a fairly solid party vibe to this place, but the booth setup makes it unintimidating for more conservative customers who just want to relax as well.  Unfortunately, the ever-present sense that you’re about to be ripped off prevents you from being able to enjoy it as much as you should.

Location (4.5/5) - Hallo Bar is two blocks from the Octagon and is within walking distance of the touristy part of the Pest side of Budapest.  There’s also another strip club across the street, but I’d tread very carefully in there (or avoid it altogether), because I’ve been told that it’s a pure rip-off joint.

Overall – I’m never a fan of clubs that rely on overpriced dancer drinks to make their money, but when done properly, I’m occasionally willing to put up with it.  At Hallo Bar, though, it’s so bad that I’ll never return despite the fact that they have the best lap dances in town. 

RAW SCORE = 53.5

Marilyn Table Dance Bar (Budapest, Hungary)

Quality of Dances (11/20) – There’s not a whole lot of grinding, but a moderate amount of lap-to-lap contact, the fact that they’re fully nude, and the go-ahead that “is ok you touch anywhere but my pussy” makes for an enjoyable experience.  Plus you do get two full-length songs for your dance, so you have plenty of time to get into it, though that’s the least that you should expect considering the prices.

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – Ladies in Budapest are generally beautiful, and the ones who dance at Marilyn are no exception.  A few looked a little worn out, but the rest were all very attractive, and I saw more than one body that I’d rate as a perfect 10 (the faces that went with those bodies were solid as well: 7s or 8s).  Of course it can vary from night to night, but overall, I found these to be the most impressive ladies in town. 

Number of Dancers (7.5/10) – Every group of guys who wants company will get it from one or more ladies, and there are often several dancers sitting together along the far wall just waiting to make the next customer’s acquaintance.  The raw number of girls isn’t huge (maybe around 20), but it’s plenty for this relatively small club.  

Variety of Dancers (2.5/5) – You’re not going to find non-white ladies in Budapest, but there are a nice variety of skin tones and body types among the ladies at Marilyn.  Attractive ladies in this place covered the spectrum from waif-thin to athletically thick, so there should be someone here who catches just about every patron’s eye. 

Attitudes (3.5/10) – Though most of the ladies are fairly friendly once you spend some cash, you’re going to need to pony up for a lady drink almost immediately, they’ll all ask for tips, and most of them are pretty hard on the sale.  Even when I shot them down by saying I was waiting for someone else, several of them tested me by asking what her name was.  More often than not, I’d have been busted, but luckily I actually was waiting for someone in particular since I’d met one of the coolest dancers ever here the previous night.  Hopefully you’re lucky enough to meet her or someone equally chill if you stop by, but in case you don’t, you should at least be prepared for the hustle. 

Value (1.5/10) – There’s no cover, but they more than make up for that by selling small bottles of champagne that you’re expected to buy for the ladies for 9000 HUF (a little under $50 US).  That is, sadly, a better than average deal for Budapest.  Thankfully, the bottles last for a while, so you should only need to buy about 1 per hour if you want to be constantly accompanied, and it’s no problem if you don’t get them as long as you’re cool with having to turn down the parade of girls who will be trying to sell their time.  Customer drinks are more reasonable, at 1500 HUF ($7.50 US) for a 0.5L of mediocre beer, though my signature drink (redbull with a double shot of whiskey) was an outrageous 5500 HUF.  Of course, I still had a few of them, but I wasn’t happy about it. 

The lap dances are overpriced at 10000 HUF ($50 US), but since they last for 2 long songs, it’s about equivalent to the $20 per song rate that most U.S. clubs have.  Though some girls have solid pole move, the stage show is generally pretty tame, with many of the girls keeping their tops on, but you can get a much better show by watching girls give table dances to other groups, or get your own for 5000 HUF.  They’re given on wooden tables in front of the customer’s seat, and most girls get fully nude and provide a little contact.  Just remember, as in all clubs that have dancer drinks and all clubs outside your home country, pay as you go and never use a credit card.  I don’t know that anything bad would happen if you ignore that rule because, even while drunk out of my mind, I wasn’t dumb enough to test it, and you shouldn’t be either. 

Club Setup (3.5/10) – There’s a small bar at the entrance and a few tiny stools surrounding the circular stage, but almost everyone sits on the patio furniture-style benches that are set up in groups of three around the table dances tables facing the stage.  That makes it excellent for groups of up to six, though the large mirrored pillars between the benches and the stage mean that you won’t even get to see the girl for half of her stage set. 

Dance Setup (5.5/10) – Lap dances are given in the basement of the club where there are six separate benches of varying degrees of privacy.  If you’re the only one down there or you’re on the back bench, the privacy is pretty solid. 

Atmosphere (7.5/10) – If you’re willing to buy the occasional lady drink and ignore all the stone faced Eastern European customers, the atmosphere is excellent, thanks in large part to the greatest strip club dj ever.  I don’t know if I’d like hearing the Bee Gees, Billy Idol, the Backstreet Boys and Coolio at a U.S. club, but somehow it worked here.  On my second night, at a dancer’s urging, I requested that he play a few more songs like Gangsta’s Paradise.  He didn’t respond or react in any way, then he proceeded to play nothing but old school hip hop for the next hour and a half.  It was amazing.  Overall, there’s just a nice relaxed but fun vibe in here. 

Location (4.5/5) – The club is fairly close to the Great Market Hall and the Gellert Thermal Baths.(it’s a shame their hours of operation don’t overlap because it would be amazing to stumble over for a soak to preemptively combat your hangover when the club closes), and should be within walking distance of most places that you’d be staying on the Pest side of town. 

Overall – As much as I hate the buy-the-lady-a-drink system for running a strip club, there’s no way to avoid it in Europe, and I actually had a really good time at this place.  I made multiple visits during my short stay in Hungary, and I’ll certainly stop by if I’m ever in the area again.  Marilyn Table Dance Bar is, by far, the best strip club in Budapest.

RAW SCORE = 55.5