Oasis Gentlemen's Club (Smithtown, NY)

Quality of dances (8.5/20) – Dances are unremarkable. One-way contact with a relatively skilled grind. Customer-to-dancer contact isn’t actively encouraged,  but it’s not totally shut down either. I was dead sober during my dance and thus didn’t really test anyone’s boundaries; I strongly suspect the line is drawn shy of full upper hemisphere contact.

Quality of dancers (7/10) – Given that Oasis looks like a recluse’s murder shed from the outside, I was shocked by the quality of dancers, notwithstanding the fact that the hoochie factor was disappointingly low, much like it was at Café Royale in Farmingdale. Almost without exception (one dancer was well past her prime), these women were beautiful. Knockouts? No, but pretty nonetheless. I think you’ll be plenty satisfied. 

Oh, I almost forgot. This is a pastie club. They’ve managed to minimize the impact by placing the tiniest possible covers on their nipples, but they still obscure one of the most beautiful parts of a woman’s body. For that, I’m docking them half a point on dancer quality.

Number of dancers (6.5/10) – Oasis has one of the highest dancer to club size ratios I’ve ever seen. At least a dozen women were working the Friday after Thanksgiving in a shoe-box sized club (see more about this below). In absolute terms, though, the number of dancers isn’t particularly impressive, so the club can only score so high here.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – Once you’ve spent some time in New York strip clubs, you start to assume that any new club you visit will be largely populated by the standard mix of women from former Soviet republics. That’s really par for the course. But kudos to Oasis for bucking this trend. The two Belarusians working that night were the exception and not the rule. Looking across the floor, there were two black women, an Asian, and a crop of white girls of varying shapes and sizes. Throw me a couple of Latinas next time and this score is going straight to 5.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of the dancers were tied up with their regulars when I was there, so I only got to interact with a few, all of whom were pleasant and fun. Based on my people watching, it looked like most of the occupied customers were having a good time, so I feel confident that attitudes are strong across the board. This also makes sense given the club’s small size. You can’t afford to be an asshole when you’re gonna have to walk by the customer you just alienated like 20 more times that night.

Quick note: The bouncers at this place were great. Total class acts, really nice guys. I was impressed.

Value (4.5/10) – There’s never a cover, which is awesome, but at $7, Bud Lights (no Miller Lite; shame on them) are at least $2 too expensive. Dances are $30, but your average dance cost should always be less than that. I was too dumb to take advantage of this, but it’s apparently buy two dances and get a third free. And if I’m remembering correctly, you can get 15 minutes worth of VIP dances (no different than regular dances, from what I can tell) for $100 or 30 minutes for $175. What’s really sweet is that if you purchase 15 minutes in the VIP, you get unlimited free drinks during that time. I can’t wait for my next visit when I’m not the designated driver and can go to town on that deal.

Dance Setup (3/10) – Dances occur in one of two areas: the dance room or the VIP area. From what I can tell, there’s no difference between the two, expect for their location. Both are curtained/walled off parts of the club that contain a few small leather loveseats. So far, so good, except that there are no dividers between the loveseats, which readers of this blog will recognize as totally unacceptable. The privacy of a walled-off room is an illusion if some goober can sit close enough to me that I could reach over and give him a happy ending. At least it’s dark in the rooms, and the VIP doesn’t have a bouncer sitting outside watching your every move.

Club Setup (3/10) – This club is small. And when I say small, I mean really, really, really small. Of the nearly 200 clubs I’ve visited, there are maybe two that are tinier. That said, they do a nice job with the space they have. When you walk in, the stage is directly in front of you against the right wall. It’s maybe 15 feet long with a single ~7 foot pole. The VIP room is to the right and the dance room and one-person bathroom (which I’m still undecided about) are to the left. On the far side, running the length of the back wall, sits the bar. The rest of the space is filled by maybe eight low-tops and two or three high-tops. All told, the space is used as efficiently as it can be without making the floor impossible to navigate. Be that as it may, the setup still leaves much to be desired.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – I like the vibe here. In a culture where musical tastes range from headache-producing to suicide-inducing, Oasis somehow filters all of the garbage and comes out with a strong playlist. I’d dim the lighting slightly and take down some of the kitschier accessories, but those are small improvements. The big problem here is that it’s impossible to get lost in the crowd and just mind your business. If you go there, you’re going to be seen. And watched. By pretty much everyone. So be prepared.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – Oasis is right on Route 25, directly across the street from an anatomically correct statue of Whisper, the bull Richard Smith was said to have ridden when establishing the town’s boundaries in the 1600’s. If you live in Smithtown, that’s a highly accessible location. If you don’t, you’re shit out of luck. I’m certain that most of you fall into the latter category.

Overall – I’ve got a few close friends who grew up in Smithtown, and they say that this club has been the subject of local lore for most of their lives, particularly amongst the high school students, most of whom had to pass right by it on the way to school every day. Most of them have never been inside, expecting it to be the shadiest place they could imagine. I’m happy to report that their expectations are wrong. I wouldn’t go out of my way to stop by Oasis, but if I ever find myself in Smithtown again, I’ll definitely swing in for a beer.

TOTAL SCORE = 49.5

Cafe Royale (Farmingdale, NY)

Quality of dances (8/20) – I was happy with the one-way contact, complete with some skillful knee grinding, but disappointed that I got the feeling the action ended there. With a club full of Russians (see Variety/Diversity below), my expectations are always sky high, and it’s crushing when they fall short. These girls were handcuffed by the dance setup, for sure, so who knows what tricks they might pull with more privacy; it may be worth giving the back room a shot, but until I see it, I just can’t believe it.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – I love Long Island girls, so I was really disappointed at the lack of homegrown talent. When I’m on Strong Isle, I expect the girls to look like tanner, sluttier versions of Katy Perry or thicker versions of Drea de Matteo. If they didn’t spend ninety minutes putting on makeup before they left their house that morning, I’m just not interested. These women, while not unattractive, weren’t really making it happen.

Number of dancers (4/10) – No matter what the club size, no matter what the club location, half a dozen dancers on a Saturday night is not acceptable. I demand more.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – This category is a little tricky to rate for Café Royale. At first glance, there appeared to be significant diversity: a black girl, a Filipino-looking girl, and a few white girls with varying skin tones. So far, so good, until I started talking to them and found out that, with the exception of the black girl, every one of them was Russian, even the faux Filipino. And so were both bartenders. I half-expected to open the wrong door and see a bunch of bears riding unicycles or Teddy KGB chewing on Oreos. I think we’ve all heard stories about the Russian mob importing strippers to work in New York, so maybe that’s what’s going on here. Or maybe Farmingdale just reminds these girls of the Motherland. Who knows.

Body type diversity was definitely lacking. I didn’t see a single lap dance ass when I was there. Having spent tons of time on Long Island, I know there are plenty of such asses available, so it was a letdown that they didn’t find their way to the club.

Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – Nothing really significant to report here. The shortage of dancers made it a little difficult to get anyone’s attention. When they did come around, they were friendly enough, but with a business-like vibe. I definitely wouldn’t describe them as particularly outgoing or fun. Nor would I say they are the ice-cold hustlers that you often encounter working a floor.

Value (5/10) – I have to be honest: I was really drunk when I got to this place, so I don’t remember what the cover was. I was traveling with a cheap dude who doesn’t really like strip clubs, so I’m sure it was $5 or less on a Saturday night, because he wouldn’t have paid it otherwise. As for the cost of drinks, I can’t give a definite answer there either, seeing as I signed the tab without looking at individual drink prices and then proceeded to leave both my ID and credit card at the club. However, some research on their website indicates that drink prices are relatively inexpensive ($3 domestics during all football games, $5 for any drink during Happy Hour). That leads me to think that Miller Lites were something in the range of $5 on my random Saturday night, which is passable. At $20, dances provide standard value. Stage value was basically non-existent (see Club Setup below).

Dance Setup (1/10) – Tremendous fail here by Café Royale. Standard dances occur in a slightly-raised part of the club, maybe 15 feet back from the bar, which is filled with rolly chairs, tables and a few benches. The tables and chairs are obviously for hanging out, and it seems that the benches are the prime dancing spot when this particular area is packed. Whether your dance occurs in a rolly chair or on a bench, privacy is impossible, with nearly the entire club having an unobstructed sight line to your spot.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – Very standard blah setup here. A horseshoe-shaped bar sits in the middle of the club, lined with a few dozen chairs. On each side of the bar are raised areas that are filled with a small handful of tables surrounded by rolly chairs (talked about in Dance Setup). All those things are well and good, and though not incredible, those parts of the setup aren’t dreadful either. However, the stage location is just brutal. It sits inside the bar (like Mons Venus in Tampa or the Playground Lounge in Atlantic City), making any close interaction with dancers impossible. Over the years, strip club patrons have developed a perfect system for getting a dancer’s attention for some personal stage action. Step 1: Sit at the stage. Step 2: Fold a dollar bill (or two or three) in half and place it on the edge of the stage. Step 3: Wait for tits and ass to come your way. It’s simple, it’s elegant, it’s ideal. But with an internal stage, it can’t happen. The five foot separation created by the bar makes any sort of interaction weird and awkward. Dancers have a hard time targeting any specific moves. And tipping requires both the tipper and the dancer to lean way over and reach out their arms to exchange any cash (it resembles the scene at a drive-through when you accidentally pull up too far from the window). Not acceptable.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – I was happy with the music and the general vibe, especially for Long Island. I half-expected to hear only house music and Billy Joel for the entire night, but the DJ played it relatively safe and stuck mostly to the classics. If I remember correctly, the lighting definitely could have been lower, but it wasn’t anything particularly uncomfortable. Really, this is the type of place that has a neutral-enough feel that your individual group can make the atmosphere whatever you want it to be (whether you’re just grabbing a few beers or really getting after it). My only complaint is the modified tip-walk that girls do on stage. It’s always a buzzkill to be sitting at the bar trying to enjoy a beer or watch a game, only to have a dancer drop the “Pssst, aren’t you gonna tip me?” I don’t blame the dancers; the internal stage setup basically forces them to do this shit, but it still sucks.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – On the one hand, Club Royale is directly off of Route 109 and just a stone’s throw from the Southern State Parkway. On the other, it’s in fucking Farmingdale, smack in the middle of Long Island, and totally inaccessible by any means other than a car (or a wedding transportation bus that you make pull over on the side of the road and drop you off on your way back to the hotel).

Overall – In many ways, this club is a Long Islander’s dream. You can buy some unnecessary shit at Walmart, catch a movie at the Regal 10, eat some overpriced babyback ribs at Chili’s, fist-pump at some douchey club called The Crazy Donkey (which I was really hoping was a Tijuana-style strip club), then see some titties, all without driving your Camaro more than half a mile. However, for those of you who don’t love strip malls and jagerbombs, Café Royale is mediocre at best.

TOTAL SCORE = 39

Scores (New York, NY)

Quality of Dances (6/20) - Scores really shot itself in the foot with its stage setup. There are no poles, rails, or other props. No seats are affixed to the stage (although one could roll over a chair if he were so inclined). This creates the interesting dynamic of having to stand and deliver for special attention. Mostly, the dancers looked like deer in headlights up there without something to hold onto.

For a private dance, I cherry-picked the best stage performer, a little blonde hard body with decent curves who called herself Jesse. In my experience, a good stage presence usually translates well to the lap, but not always. Jesse was one of those exceptions. Her dance ranked up there with one of my all time worst – a complete dud. No energy, no interest, minimal contact. In her defense, fight coverage began just as our dance started, and the DJ inexplicably turned off the music to broadcast the playing of the national anthem. Obviously not one for patriotism, Jesse was thrown off her game big time. If she had shown any effort whatsoever I would have given her a mulligan, but unfortunately there was nothing redeeming about the dance.

Scores receives some points here, though, for what looked like decent dances and a fair amount of grinding from the transactions I spied taking place on the main floor. Indeed, one dancer in particular utilized a pretty heroic thrusting maneuver that Peter had never witnessed before; kudos to her for picking up the slack saving this category from ruin.

Quality of Dancers (7/10) - Scores has its share of beautiful girls, and most are young. I saw only one real stunner, however. Like most other New York City venues, Scores is topless only.

Number of Dancers (5/10) - For a Saturday night special event, the number of dancers circulating in the club seemed merely adequate. With the amount of money getting thrown around by the Wall Street-types, a lot of dancers were surely preoccupied in the private and semi-private sections. One host’s claim that between 40 and 60 dancers were working that night was laughable. When I asked a dancer, she estimated from 20 to 30 dancers were working.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) - With the amount of blonde girls running around, I was afraid Scores had transported me into a Hugh Hefner wet dream. I was shocked at the lack of variety. The usual trip to a New York City club is like the “It’s a Small World” at Disney World, but with more silicone. Not at Scores. There were a handful of black girls, but I did not see one ethnically-identifiable Latina or Asian. I did not meet any Eastern Europeans or Russians; only dancers with names like Jesse and Betty. The Scores cast fails the diversity test with respect to body type, as well. Those with a taste for thicker, curvier dancers would have been disappointed by the selection.

Attitude of Dancers (2/10) - As would be expected, I found the dancers less friendly as the night went on and the club filled up. Like the fighters we were watching on the flat screens, the dancers all had their eyes on the prize, and our conversations got down to brass tacks fairly quickly. On the bright side, their cool, business-like indifference didn’t lead to any flak that I sometimes get when politely declining an advance.

That’s where the positives end. I could barely believe it when Jesse stopped dancing at the end of the sub-2:00 Star Spangled Banner and said “guess that’s our song.” Pausing for a moment to let her reconsider, I was briskly reminded of the $20 I owed and that we couldn’t tarry in the semi-private lap dance section. I understand that things move faster in New York City, but this kind of treatment just cannot be condoned.

Value (0.5/10) - With a $30 cover and $10 domestics, you’re going to be in for $40 within seconds of walking in the door. A $20 lap dance is not unreasonable for New York City, but it would be more palatable if the dancers actually earned their money. Your wallet will take a big hit if you’re interested in anything saucier. A “curtain” room is $350/hour ($175 for 30 minutes), and a “door” room is $500 ($250). Mercifully, drink purchases are not required for the private rooms. A decent party atmosphere and some eye candy is not enough to justify Scores’s high prices. Don’t be fooled by the flash and hype – there’s not a lot of substance here.

Dance Setup (4/10) - Customers were receiving lap dances pretty much everywhere but the main bar. The semi-private sections are elevated and isolated, and would offer a nice opportunity for debauchery if not for the ubiquitous security stationed around every corner. Seats are wide, comfortable, and placed far enough apart to maintain the intimacy of the dance. Like most New York City clubs, the private rooms are strategically sequestered for the best action.

Club Setup (7/10) - The public area of the club is one level divided into five distinct sections: the main floor with the stage and waitress service at small tables; an elevated bar with both bar seats and standing room; a semi-private elevated section for groups requesting bottle service; a separate section reserved for lap dances; and the restaurant. All sections have a great view of the stage.

The bar area is fairly long but not very deep, and by midnight, as the club began filling up, the bar became very crowded. Because Scores was catering to groups for Fight Night, management had restricted the main floor to bottle service. A host assured me that ordinarily guests can sit at tables on the main floor without obligation.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) - At least a dozen flat screen TVs rim the interior, providing a view of the game or fight from any seat. The club is dimly lit, and neon fixtures and the occasional smoke machine and laser show create the party vibe. Edgy showcases – featuring naked barbie dolls in compromising positions with everyday objects like hammers and tongs – appear prominently over the main bar. With the exception of shutting off the music for the national anthem, the DJ was well above-average, and I commend his Depeche Mode selection, “Enjoy the Silence.”

Unfortunately, the bouncers/hosts with CIA-style earplugs had the joint canvassed like we were in the middle of Baghdad. And by the decor, I couldn't blame them for the mistake. A large, Persian rug-styled stripe runs down the main stage’s backdrop, across the stage itself, and onto the floor. On the backdrop, eight screens flank this magic carpet stripe. They alternate between two computer-generated effects: the first, music visualizations (the kind you get when you play an audio CD using your Windows Media Player), and the second, silhouetted scenes of dancers performing acts ranging from the goofy to the sado-masochistic. The combined impression left me waiting for Goldmember to come skating out onto the stage through some Austin Powers-style time warp.

Club Accessibility (4/5) - Situated just south of the Penn Station rail yards and a stone’s throw from the Hudson, Scores is in the middle of a subway deadzone. The walk from Penn Station is 15-20 minutes and not for the feint of heart. Your best bet is to cab it there, as the club is easily accessible from the West Side Highway. You could also drive yourself and avoid the midtown clusterfuck, but you will have to pay for valet service in order to park your car in the secure lot across the street from the club.

Overall - On a marquee night, Scores failed to deliver. Management’s decision to cater to groups ordering bottle service left everyone else cramped in the small bar section. The focus on deep pockets filtered down to the dancers, too, making for a lackluster experience on the whole. Scores is just begging for a re-review on a more typical evening, but for the now, the best things I can say about Fight Night at Scores? Look for the cart food on your way out at 10th avenue – it really hits the spot.

TOTAL SCORE = 43

Nite Moves (Latham, NY)

(This review was written by Pussy Control)

Quality of dances (11/20) – Dances were pleasantly average with a good amount of contact. Two way contact was encouraged and the dancer’s contact was only blocked by a small scarf placed over the receiver's groin.

Quality of dancers (5.5/10) – There are a lot of upstate NY clubs with haggard older dancers, but the ones here were a nice group of younger white blondes/brunettes and some latinas who all worked the poll like pros. A couple of the girls brought this score down, one of which was in no shape to be taking any stitch of clothing off and the other being outright rude and refusing to accept any tips from certain patrons.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – For a Monday night, the rotation was higher than expected. Over 8 dancers and a couple more that seemed to stay occupied in the private couch rooms. Although the stage setup allowed for one dancer at a time, there were plenty of ladies mingling with patrons at the tables giving mini lap dances.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) - A couple of shockingly stunning beauties here, mostly just the pretty young types you would hope to be stripping for you. Age, ethnicity, and body types were well represented on this night shift.

Attitude of dancers (5/10) – This was going to be higher, but based on being snubbed by one dancer, I could not go higher than 5. Besides this one rotten apple, the rest of the dancers were friendly and cheerful. Their post-stage time sitting with patrons at the tables giving them extra special attention and not pressuring for private dances showed their willingness to make the experience enjoyable. They do expect a tip after each dance and will work extra hard for it.

Value (2.5/10) – The $10 cover and a two drink minimum within the juice bar drag down the rating. Best value is the 2 for $30 dances. Single dances are $25 so go for the 2x and you will be much better off. Later into the night the dj stopped advertising the 2 for $30 dances, but gave the 3 for $60 deal. Just be sure you ask for the 2 for $30 when purchasing your dance token.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – I haven't seen a better dance setup in a long time. Each private dance room is a bit bigger than a standard fitting room and includes a loveseat or large comfy chair. There is a small camera which is monitored by a somewhat distracted staffer who is also watching the stage and back parking lot while flirting with the bartender. Two way contact is blocked from the camera view by the dancer's body and handsy dancers take full advantage of the opportunity to turn you on.
(Editor’s note from Peter: Though the description of this dance setup seemingly warrants a score closer to 9.5, the camera sinks it.)

Club Setup (4/10) – This is a small gentlemen's club with a mini corner juice bar. The seating centers around the single stage with one dancer at a time; this encompasses about 20 seats. The tables are spotted around the rest of the space with some hi-tops against the walls. The dj is also the bouncer and is seated at the front with his computer and mic. Private dance rooms are in an L-shape down a side hall which does give the rest of the guests a view as to who is enjoying the dancers.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – For the location, the atmosphere was better then expected. Most of the guys were on their own, but a few duos occupied the back wall and one group of poker enthusiasts were dropping bills all over the stage. The music was a wide variety since dancers had their own pick lists that the dj pulled from. Unfortunately, any place that doesn’t serve booze gets no love from Peter Tips.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – At six miles outside Albany on Route 9, Nite Moves is just outside of reasonable cab range from the city.

Overall – Latham isn't exactly a destination city, but if you’re in the greater Albany area for business or pleasure, Nite Moves offers full nudity in an intimate setting and isn’t a bad place to kill a few hours.

TOTAL SCORE = 49

DiCarlo's (Albany, NY)

Quality of dances (4/20) – Sadly, the dances at DiCarlo’s are pretty weak. Although there seems to be some wiggle room for regulars, the no-contact rules are largely enforced by dancers. I didn’t receive, nor did I witness, even a single knee or ass grind.

One interesting quirk (which provided nearly all the points for this score) is that dance prices basically operate on the honor system. When a dancer is finished with a song, she waits there and you can pay her whatever amount you like…literally any amount, including nothing. In fact, according to club rules, dancers aren’t even supposed to suggest prices. Objectively, these dances are worth no more than $5, but because I supports the industry, I recommend that patrons pay $10 per dance.

Quality of dancers (6.5/10) – For upstate New York, the women here are gorgeous. On an absolute scale, they fair poorer, but still hold their own. I'd be very surprised if a customer couldn’t find a girl to fall in love with at DiCarlo’s.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – Six dancers on a Sunday night is pretty solid for this relatively small club. From what I understand, they don’t ever get a huge number of dancers (15-20), but because I can’t imagine this place getting very packed, 10-12 should do an adequate job.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – Nary a Latina or black woman could be found amongst the blonde hair and blue eyes; an unfortunate lack of diversity. DiCarlo’s scores one point for some mild variance in body type.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – The dancers were nice enough, but none were particularly engaging. I would prefer to hear a little more game before being asked about getting a dance.

Value (4/10) – No cover before 7 PM and $5 afterwards. Miller Lites are the standard $5. A physical barrier between the stage and the floor nullifies any stage value. I'd like to say that the Name Your Price dances create significant value, but given their lack of quality, even bargain basement prices can’t save them.

Dance Setup (.5/10) – All dances take place directly on the floor of the club, usually in a shitty uncomfortable seat at one of the many tables. There’s one corner that provides the slightest bit of privacy when the club is empty, but it’s nothing to brag about.

Club Setup (4.5/10) – DiCarlo’s looks like a converted Italian restaurant, with several 4-6 person rectangular tables set up throughout the floor and a few booths near the entrance. Normally, that would be terrible, but they manage to do a decent job with what they’ve got. The stage, despite being physically blocked off from customers, is a nice design complete with a love seat and swing.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – The DJ is solid and the club has a reasonably classy feel to it. It would help if they replaced the furniture to better complement the stage and overall look of the club. They also desperately need to remove or correct the sign on the wall that reads Photo’s by “Isus” to describe a series of mounted pictures. I don’t even know where to get started with my criticism of that sign, so I'll let it speak for itself.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Located on Central Ave just a few miles outside of downtown Albany, DiCarlo’s is an easy cab ride from anywhere in the capital district.

Overall – I'd classify DiCarlo’s Lounge as a gentlemen’s club rather than a strip joint. During most hours, the women are there more as a backdrop than a main feature. That’s not necessarily a bad thing if you’re looking for a place to relax and enjoy a nice view, but club-goers shouldn’t go in expecting a rowdy time that may end up with them jizzing in their pants.

TOTAL SCORE = 38