Notes on Wisconsin Dolls (Wisconsin Dells, WI)

As I mentioned in my Penthouse Detroit post, I'm clearing out some old notes. I'm just going to post them as is, so they won't be in full sentence and may not make any sense at all, but hopefully they're of some use to you. Just keep in mind that these aren't proper reviews - they may have been based on only 1 or 2 visits that probably took place 2-3 years ago, and I may have been extremely intoxicated. 

Dances (12/20) good grind, 2 way not encouraged but tolerated to some extent

Dancers (5/10) decent. 2 pretty hot, a lot decent, none too bad

Club Setup (4.5/10) smallish but clean not a ton of seating but enough. There's 1 pit stage with chairs around. A few tall tables and long bar.

Dance Setup (4/10) You get dances in a back room with several booths. It's not super private but there are some dividers and it's not busy so no one can really see. There's a beaded entryway that people in one corner can see into. A bouncer peeked in once

Attitudes (8/10) very friendly. Sit and chat. One offered to buy me a shot. 

Value (6/10) $3 beers for happy hour and only $4 after (sadly, no Spotted Cow), $25 dances, Good nude stage show (one girl offered to "take a dollar off of any part of (my) body" - I handed it to herVIPs start at $120 for 30 min and include 2 drinks. Not bad. 

Atmosphere (5.5/10) good local bar vibe mix of music from rock and rap to country 

Variety (1/10) size variety and one mixed race dancer plus one Asian but mostly white 

Number (4.5/10) Not a ton of dancers but sufficient for a small club. Maybe 10 girls while I was there. 

Location (2/5) If you're in the Dells, this is your closest option, but you'll have to drive to get there. 

Overall - I liked this place a little better than the nearby Cruisin Chubby's based on my single visit to each place, but Crusin Chubby's had more potential, so it's a tossup between the two if you only have time for one. Either way, you should have a solid but unspectacular time. 

RAW SCORE = 52.5

Notes on Cruisin' Chubbys (Wisconsin Dells, WI)

As I mentioned in my Penthouse Detroit post, I'm clearing out some old notes. I'm just going to post them as is, so they won't be in full sentence and may not make any sense at all, but hopefully they're of some use to you. Just keep in mind that these aren't proper reviews - they may have been based on only 1 or 2 visits that probably took place 2-3 years ago, and I may have been extremely intoxicated. 

Club Setup (6/10) This place is like a big cabin. Everything is wood inside and there are deer heads on the walls. There's a huge main stage and a ton of seats around it. There a a few bars - a long stand up bar and another shorter stand up bar in the back near another stage. There are 7 tall tables on the main floor and a few more tables in the back. They need more seats away from the stage, but it's still solid. Good lighting effects. There's also a shower stage downstairs, but that seems to be reserved for bachelor parties.  They have a bunch of TVs, but unfortunately they were only showing club promotions what I was there. We're already here. What's the point? 

Quality of Dancers (7.5) Two were two absolutely smokin and a 3rd was way too skinny for me but still hot and right up some guys' alleys. 

Variety (0.5/5) There were some curves but all the girls were white, which isn't terribly surprising given the location. 

Number of dancers (2/5) There were only 4 dancers there during my evening visit, and two of those only appeared during their stage shows. Even though the club was dead, that wasn't enough dancers. 

Atmosphere (6.5/10) It could be solid with a group despite the less than ideal seating. Good music. Mostly R&B hip hop. 

Value (5.5/10) $10 cover, $5.50 Spotted Cow and $4.50 domestics. Lots of specials. 3 for 2 dances on Mondays and Tuesdays. 3 for $80 nude dances. $20 topless dances. Decent stage value with nude shows and a little contact. 

Dances (10.5/20) Good grind but lots of "don't touch the dancers" signs. 2 way not encouraged and probably not allowed other than the outsides of their legs, but I didn't push my luck. Only real downer was that, during the 3 for $80 nude dance set, one girl had to stop to take a shit. Can't say I was entirely comfortable with here grinding on my leg for the song and a half that was left after she finished that.  

Dance Setup (4/10)  nude downstairs in private booths with wooden walls and sheer curtain and comfy leather love seat. Would be 7.5/10, but the topless dance area isn't as good. Top less along back wall. That would earn them a  0.5 so I'll split it. 

Attitudes (3/10) I wasn't impressed. They didn't circulate. Two of the 4 stayed in the dressing room. They ask for tips and otherwise ignore guys. 3

Location (4/5) Technically, the location isn't great, but huge props from them offering a free shuttle to local hotels. I wish every club did that.

Overall - This place had a ton of potential, but it seemed like I might have visited them on an off night with only a few dancers in such a large, nice club. I hope to get back to re-evaluate, but that may have to wait for a while.  

RAW SCORE = 49.5

Notes on Diamond Jim's Gentleman's Club (Beloit, WI)

As I mentioned in my Penthouse Detroit post, I'm clearing out some old notes. I'm just going to post them as is, so they won't be in full sentence and may not make any sense at all, but hopefully they're of some use to you. Just keep in mind that these aren't proper reviews - they may have been based on only 1 or 2 visits that probably took place 2-3 years ago, and I may have been extremely intoxicated. 

Value (5/10) The cover is $7 early in the evening and $10 late but there wasn't a cover when I stopped by for the day shift. $3 Miller Lite and 2 drink min (stupid with cover). Pretty solid beer selection. Nude stage shows with some interaction but not great. $25 topless dances. 

Number of Dancers (2/10) Four girls were working but there were none to be seen an hour after opening at 4pm. Not really fair to judge based on day shift, but nearly a dozen customers with 0-2 dancers on the floor at a time was pretty rough. 

Variety (1.5/5) Of the four dancers I saw, one was black and three were white, but it can't score too high based on the small number of dancers. There was at least some size variation. 

Dancer Quality (6/10) Two of the girls that I saw were very cute. Maybe they sacrifice quantity for quality?  

Club Setup (4.5/10) Decent bar near entrance and another in back. 2 decent sized pit stages. Lots of tables and rolly chairs and a few nice reserved couches . Long fairly large club. (Note: My notes are based on how the club was in 2013. According to their website, they've made recent renovations, so it may be nicer now)

Atmosphere (2.5/10) Bad 80s music, depressing in the day. Could be solid at night but still a little diveish.

Attitudes (6.5/10) They sit and chat. Some push lady drinks but not too bad and they seem to be appreciative if you buy them. One returned a few bucks that I'd dropped on the floor. They try to sell you on going to the VIP. 

Dances 10.5 Two way contact is allowed but mostly legs and ass though some are ok with touching their tits. Decent grind. 

Dance Setup (3/10) There's soft bench seating with big dividers between everyone so you can only see if across or walking by. There are lots of spaces so you shouldn't have anyone looking at you during your dance.

Location (1.5/5) It's about half way between Beloit and Janesville, but not particularly close to either.

Overall - Diamond Jim's was fine for one visit, but I didn't feel any need to go out of my way to return. 

RAW SCORE = 43

Notes on the Hardware Store (Clyman, WI)

As I mentioned in my Penthouse Detroit post, I'm clearing out some old notes. I'm just going to post them as is, so they won't be in full sentence and may not make any sense at all, but hopefully they're of some use to you. Just keep in mind that these aren't proper reviews - they may have been based on only 1 or 2 visits that probably took place 2-3 years ago, and I may have been extremely intoxicated. 

Number (3.5/10) There were two girls when I arrived in the afternoon at first and 2 more eventually showed up. The bartender read the 2 late ones the riot act. I was told that there were usually at least half dozen girls, but I only visited once, so I can't confirm that. 

Dancers (3.5/10) There girls weren't awful but one was thicker than most would like and one was way too thin. The two who showed up later were a little hotter but still nothing to write home about (if you're the kind of person who writes home about strippers). 

Variety (0.5/5) There was some size variation but all the girls were black chicks from Milwaukee during my visit.

Club Setup (2/10) There's a long simple bar and a narrow pit stage, plus one table in the main room. The other room has a pool table and dart board and a few tables and a small stage a few inches above the floor.

Dance Setup (6/10) There are very dark booths with leather seats in a small room in the back of the club. They're angled so people can only can see you if they're directly across from you and they probably won't be. The bouncer doesn't check on what you're up to.  

Dance Quality (15/20) These girls give a great grind and having them put my dick and the pants covering it into their mouths seemed pretty standard. Tit groping and crotch rubbing was encouraged. They all put their tits in my face and one girl put her hand up my shorts to grab my dick briefly, but she was trying to sell the ViP experience for $175 so she didn't try to finish me off, but she implied that everything was available for that price.  Some weren't quite as good but they still gave a great grind and full 2-way contact. 

Attitudes (4/10) This is a neighborhood place but there's still a tip walk. They're riendly once you talk to them, but they're a little hard on VIP and drink sales. One girl even had the nerve to ask me if I could tip her for her stage show as I walked in the door for the first time. 

Atmosphere (4/10) The R&B music felt out of place at such a county style club in the middle of nowhere, but I enjoyed it.  It seemed like it could be fun if you went with a group, but it was filled with depressed looking old white guys when I was there during the day shift. 

Value (7/10) - There's no cover during the day, beers are $4 beers, and you get some solid stage interaction for a few bucks. 

Location (0/5) - To get to the Hardware store, you have to drive to to the middle of nowhere then drive for another half hour. 

Overall - If the location were better, it would be one of my regular spot when I'm visiting friend in Wisconsin, but it's just a little to far from anything to be worth visiting often. 

RAW SCORE = 45.5

Visions (Madison, WI)

[Note: This review was written by guest blogger Pussy Control, trusted friend of Peter Tips.]

Quality of dances (4/20) – The girl who gave my friends and me a dance (she took three of us back for a dance at once) was having fun and/or was really good at her job: gold star for personality. As the first song ended she even said, “Well that was a short song; I’ll give you one more.” None of us specifically asked about two-way contact, but I think it was available. One-way contact was quality. I was also impressed with how well she adjusted to giving a dance to women rather than men (not something all strippers do well from my limited experience). Unfortunately for you, the other customers that I talked to reported that it's rare for guys to get anything more than airdances in this place.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – It was amateur night when I was there, and so it was a little tough to tell who actually worked at the club. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of the girls who clearly worked there. My only previous strip club experience being the Spearmint Rhino, I had relatively low expectations for a strip club near the airport in Madison. While there was at least one girl who was the embodiment of every negative side effect of Meth, there were also a few cute, healthy looking women, at least one of whom was in great shape and had some awesome moves on the poll.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Again, a little hard to tell because it was amateur night, but it looked like only about 5 or 6 girls there were employees of the club. That being said, it was a Sunday night and there were only a handful of people there other than the group I was with. Despite the fact that the group of women I was with were obviously not going to spend a lot on dances, two of the girls spent most of the night hanging out with us.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – I’m pretty sure that all the girls who worked at the club were white. But I give them points for good diversity of body type: petite athletic builds, more curvy types, and not a fake tit in sight (like Peter Tips, Pussy Control far prefers teardrops to bazookas).

Attitude of dancers (8.5/10) – This is where the club really shined. These girls were FUN. Take into consideration that I was there with a large, rowdy group of fun women, so that was clearly a factor. But still, when on stage they looked like they were having a good time, and they did things to each other and my friends that you would NEVER see at a place like the Rhino. This is the upshot of a smaller, more laid back club I suppose.

Value (7.5/10) – There's no cover before 7 PM, but it's a slightly overpriced $8 after then. At $2, the beer is a solid value, even for Wisconsin. Dances were $20, but the girls were willing and able to negotiate, at least with us female patrons. The show on stage was an especially good value, with the girls doing all sorts of crazy shit for ones and fives.

Dance Setup (9/10) – I’m going to qualify this by saying that I was pretty wasted by the time my friends and I got a dance, so things are a little fuzzy…. But I know that we walked past a bouncer to get back to the booths. The girl we were with definitely had to ask his permission to bring three of us back there at once, but he seemed pretty cool and was willing to go along with whatever the dancer suggested. The booth that we went back to had three walls and a curtain that closed it off. Inside there was a love seat and a tiny little “stage” with a mirror. It sort of reminded me of a dressing room at a nice clothing store. Hard to imagine a better dance setup than this.

Club Setup (3/10) – I actually liked the set-up a lot, but Peter Tips insists that it qualifies as a three. Right as you come in there is a bar with bar stools, etc. It was nice to have the option of sitting off to the side and having a few beers before heading over towards the stage. The stage was off to the right. It was L shaped, surrounded by tables and standard banquet hall chairs. The floor was a little crowded with tables and chairs, and although we didn’t have trouble navigating the landscape on this slow night, it must be very difficult when things get packed. There were also some tables set back from the stage, which was nice for those who were just there to hang out, and didn’t really want to be too close to the action on stage. It was a very basic setup, but it met all of our needs.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – I hate to give it such a low rating, because I really liked the atmosphere. I guess it depends on what you are looking for. It was the local dive bar of strip clubs; clean and comfortable, but nothing fancy. I’m the type who always goes for the more low-key and laid back place in general, so I thought it was great. If you want lots of plush seats, fancy lighting and glimmering bars stocked with bottle after bottle of Patron and Grey Goose, this is not your scene. But if that is your scene, what the fuck are you doing in Madison, WI? It is no Rhino, but I was more comfortable and had more fun at Visions.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Ten minute cab ride from downtown, very close to the airport.

Overall – Nothing fancy, just the basics. However, the club was cleaner and more comfortable and the girls hotter than I expected for the only strip club in Madison. What’s more, the women working there were fun as hell. I’d go back if I ever had any reason to be in Madison again (and I have no interest in ever going back to the Spearmint Rhino).

TOTAL SCORE = 47.5

Airport Lounge (Milwaukee, WI)

Quality of dances (6/20) – Unlike Encore, there's no sign on the front door of the club threatening a felony if you touch the dancers, but it is on the door to the dance room, and posted on the inside of every individual booth. I received solid one-way contact dances (alot of knee action), but I can't rate a dance very high at all when there is a felony warning right over my shoulder.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – There were about three attractive girls here, but unfortunately only one had a good stripper body, aka the requisite 1/2 inch of "filth" that provides a sweet, sweet dance. That being said, I did fall in love with a stripper. Also, I'm happy to report that there was not one set of fake tits in this club.

Number of dancers (4/10) – There were about 10-15 girls working; the rotation of girls was completed in about 45 minutes. However, there was only really one girl worth getting a dance from, and some stiff in a shirt and tie took up an hour of her time without getting a dance, and there was a backlog of customers waiting for her when she became free. She agreed to give me a dance, but then a guy offered to go into the VIP, and she vanished. If you ever consider paying $150 dollars for 30 min at the VIP at a club like this, you should save the money and go see a psychiatrist.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Despite its proximity to the south side, there was only one Latina working, one darker skinned girl, one hot white girl, and ten girls who basically looked the same- in fact two were even sisters.

Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) – The attitude of the dancers is the only thing that saves this club. For a one-way contact club, the girls give you an insane amount of stage play- motorboating, blowing of the ears, and they're aggressive on the stage! The girl who gave me a dance went out of her way to get Akon on for the dance, and the girls will sit with you, but you have to buy them drinks.

Value (1.5/10) – The value drops sharply the longer you stay here. $5 dollar cover, but they give you a free entrance voucher. $3 beers on special, but anything over $1.25 in MKE is highway robbery. You can get a $10 dance, but you really have to pay $25 if you are going to get a real dance, and that's way too much for a one-way contact dance. Tip walk is a ball-buster, and the girls will hustle you for $9 drinks if you allow them to hang around.

Dance Setup (0/10) – The $10 dance booths are on the main floor along the wall, and I swear they stole shoe-shine chairs/booths from the airport accross the street and stuck them along the wall. The $25 dollar room has a bouncer at the cash register an arm's length away the whole time, and you're in the same shoeshine-esque booth with nothing accross the front. Even for $150, you only get a half-wall blocking your view, but you get a leather couch. I dropped this value from a 0.5 to a 0 solely because there are signs in each booth reminding you of the felonious consequences of touching the dancers.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – You are basically forced to sit at the stage or the bar, which faces away from the stage. The stage has two circular areas where the girls dance, but not enough seats; when you sit in the middle, you can't see the dancers, and they rarely approach. There are tiny tables against the wall, but really only large enough for one person. When asked where groups should sit, the waitress pointed to a 2x4 with 5 chairs in front of it.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – I spent 2 hours here, which was 1 1/2 hours too long. When you walk in, you can't even see the dancers due to all of the smoke in the air. The music was good at first, but degenerated into heavy metal. Since it is right next to the airport, the girls cluster around the stiffs in ties who act like they're going to spend money, but only waste the dancers' time. There's nowhere to really hang out, and you're going to get hustled if you stick around too long.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – The club is right by the airport, but really isn't that accessible from downtown. Most of the clientelle is just people staying at the hotels in the surrounding area.

Overall - For Milwaukee, this club seems decent. I would recommend it if you are killing time before a flight, or for a very brief stop in. This is definitely not a place to hang out with friends or not get lung cancer.

TOTAL SCORE = 34.5

Monreal's "Encore" Gentleman's Club (Milwaukee, WI)

Quality of dances (0/20) - Before you even get into the club, you know that you will not be getting a good dance. Posted prominently on the front door is the following sign "Do not touch the dancers. Touching the Dancers is a Class E felony punishable by 9 months imprisonment or $10,000 penalty." I took my chances with the law and got a dance anyways. As one dancer appropriately said "the dances are only $10 for obvious reasons." The most contact I got from the dance was the dancer's hand bracing against my knee as the rest of her body was arm's length away, with the occasional fake tit coming within 7 inches of my face.

Quality of dancers (3/10) - That being said, these could be the most attractive women in all of Wisconsin, minus the fake bombs. Only one girl in the whole place had real tits, and the fake jobs were so bad they look like a small child sculpted them with homemade play dough. This is clearly where Steve Carrell got the line "it was like a bag of sand" in the 40 Year Old Virgin. I can proudly say that I saw the oldest woman I've ever seen dancing in a club here; however, she danced in some sort of ball gown the whole time, only showing her mummified breasts in the last 20 seconds of the song.

Number of dancers (6/10) - There were girls pouring out of every mouse hole in the building. There were at least 15 senior citizens in the bar, and there was pretty close to a 1-1 ratio of girls to old dirty men.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - Milwaukee's mixture of Latina women, old German beer maids and college students were all adequately represented. If you're into white women under the age of 46 or anything other than Hispanic women, you may be out of luck here.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) - I was only able to get two dancers to talk to me as they walked around for their "tip walk." The one was fairly friendly, and the other one talked hockey with me for at least 5 minutes, and selected a song just to taunt me for my hockey affiliations, so she seemed to enjoy her job. However, the other girl basically said that the club sucked, so it's mostly hit or miss.

Value (1/10) - $4.25 is the most I've ever paid for a PBR in my life. It won the Blue Ribbon, but not in the last 100 years. No cover, but I hear there's one at night. $10 for a dance might seem great, but you're better off driving down I-94 and buying a DVD at the trucker store for your $10. Also, no matter where you are sitting at the bar, the girls do a "tip walk" after they get off stage and expect you to give them a dollar regardless of your proximity to the stage or whether you could even see them dancing.

Dance Setup (0/10) - The room is basically just a half wall in the middle of the room with drapes over the front. There are individual chairs all next to each other with no dividers between chairs. There is some privacy, however, since no one ever gets dances here so you won't be bumping into other guys in the room. Also, the dance room shares a wall with the kitchen, so at lunch time the whole room just smells like fried fish.

Club Setup (2.5/10) - When you walk inside, it's basically just a bar; when you walk in further, there is a stage within view of half the bar, and there are seats at the stage and further away from the stage. If you aren't sitting at the stage or one of the three bar stools that face the stage, you're not going to have a great view.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) - If you are an old man, part of a welder's union, or just drink because you hate your life, you will love this place. It's in the middle of a grave yard, and has a sign telling you that you will go to jail if you touch the dancers. Also, I'm 90% sure one of the guys was wearing a prison jumpsuit. The only way you will enjoy the atmosphere is if you treat it like a bar with overpriced beers and girls walking around with their fake bombs hanging out. One small benefit is the cigar ash tray at every table, although I doubt anyone has ever smoked anything but Marlboros or Kools at this place.

Club Accessibility (4/5) - I imagine this is the only reason people come here. It is right off of I-94 by Miller Park, and only about 1 block off of the freeway. They even have a free shuttle to and from Miller Park from the club. However, two sides of building are basically surrounded by a graveyard, so you almost have to come from the freeway to get here. Unsure of public transportation access.

Overall - If you want to get a fish fry, have a beer, and look at fake tits with senior citizens, this is your spot. Otherwise, I would not recommend this club.

TOTAL SCORE = 24