Studio Octopussy (Montreal, QC)

When the strip clubs and bars shut down at 3am in Montreal, you'll be looking for something else to do before calling it a night, and you'll have a few options.

Some nights, all that you'll want is a big plate of poutine to soak up some of the ridiculous amount of beer that you've ingested.  If you don't mind taking a cab, I highly recommend La Banquise.  It's open all night and it's god's gift to drunks.  

Other nights, you'll consider heading over to the Circus after hours club, but it will be more awkward than fun unless you're much higher than I've ever been.         

But eventually, you'll be looking for some more adult entertainment, and since the strip clubs are all closed, you'll have to go to one of the two most elegantly named establishments around - Pussy Corps and Studio Octopussy.  I'll save you the suspense and just tell you right now, Pussy Corps isn't even worth considering, so it really comes down to Octopussy or nothing.  It's a massage parlor, and since I'm not a massage parlor expert, I'll just tell you what you'll find here and leave it up to you to decide whether or not it's worth your time and money.

When you go through the doorway, you walk up the flight of stairs to a desk where you wait to be greeted by a hostess.  The hostess then takes you to a group of couches where you wait for a lineup of girls to be presented to you, one at a time.  On a bad night, there might be two or three girls in the lineup, but on a good night there can be upwards of a dozen to chose from.  Remembering 10 names and faces (or bodies) is tough for me when I'm sober, but when I'm falling down drunk at 3:30am in Montreal, it's impossible.  The key is to remember the first girl's name, then when the second girl come out, immediately decide if she's better or worse than the first girl.  If she's better, remember her name and forget about the first girl; if she's worse, don't even bother listening to her name.  Then just repeat until the last girl come out and the only name that you remember will be the one that you want.

Unlike at the stereotypical massage parlors in the U.S., most of the girls here are white.  There's some variation of body types, but the biggest choice usually comes down to blonde or brunette and implants or real tits.  I've never had a problem finding a few girls who look good (enough), but I should point out that my standards aren't all that discriminating by the time I make it to this place.  I have a feeling that they may not look as good while sober, but I've never felt the need to test that theory and I doubt that you will either, so it's irrelevant.  If you don't like any of the girls who are initially presented, you can pass on all of them and wait for more to become available, but I always prefer to chose one on the first pass so that I'm not as directly forced to think about the fact that some other dude probably just made a bundt cake of the hand that's about to rub my back.

Anyway, once you pick your girl, you'll be taken to a room where you have to pre-pay $55 to the house, after which the girl gives you several options for what type of massage you want.  A small tip will get you a regular massage from a fully clothed lady. For $60, the girl will get naked and give you a massage, then oil herself up and rub herself over your back. As far as I know, happy endings are always offered but nothing more is available.  I've never asked, so maybe there's more on the menu, but since the girls offer handies without being prompted, I assume that they'd put it out there if they were willing to do more.

Like I said before, I'm not a massage parlor veteran, so it's hard for me to judge the service.  Still, it seems adequate to me as long as you're expecting more of a soft touch body rub than a genuine massage.  The price also seems fairly reasonable, since a half hour of nude slip and slide comes out to $115 after tip, which breaks down cheaper per minute than the average lap dance.   My only caveat regarding the value is that, on more than one occasion, I've laid down on the table, promptly fallen asleep and woken up to find that my wallet is nearly empty.  Maybe I spent my money earlier in the evening or maybe the masseuses robbed me, but staying awake is probably a good idea just to be safe. Either way, you'll be happy to know that your bank statement will show a much more legitimate sounding name than "Studio Octopussy" in case you find yourself needing to use their ATM.

The bottom line is that Studio Octopussy isn't for everybody, but if a massage parlor sounds like a good time to you, you'll probably enjoy your visit.  And on the bright side, even if you're underwhelmed as you walk out at 4am, Circus will still be going strong until dawn and La Banquise never closes.  How can you not love this city?

Le Gentlemen's Choice (Montreal, QC)

Quality of Dances (11.5/20) – Tit grabbing is encouraged, but I was told that there is "no touching with your mouth, no touching between the legs and no grinding." The first two of those restrictions are pretty standard, but the no grinding policy is odd. Thankfully, not all of the girls follow that one, but even if they do, it's a strange thing to point out to customers. If you're more interested in looking than touching, you can also get a no-contact nude dance where some of the girls touch themselves for an extra $5. I'd much rather have them leave their bottoms on so that I can participate in the dance, but it's nice to have options available for those who want them.

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – These girls are reasonably attractive for anywhere else, but they're on the low end of what you're find in Montreal. Still, there are usually two or three very attractive girls working most nights and I don't think Montreal even allows truly ugly girls inside the city limits.

Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – They don't usually have as many dancers as most of the other nearby clubs, but since they don't usually get all that busy, you shouldn't have to compete with too many other guys for dances. You'll generally find more dancers than customers in here, especially early in the evening.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – They usually have a mix of black and white dancers, with several Caribbean dancers there on some nights. Most of the girls that I've seen have been thin enough that it's nice to look at them on stage, but I'd like to see a few slightly thicker girls to give me something to grab onto during the contact dances. Half the fun of being able to grab titties is gone if they're tiny, and all the fun is gone if they're fake.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of the girls that I've run into here have been fairly friendly with lots of smiles whether they're on stage or chatting with customers. Thanks to the relative lack of customers, most of the dancers are more than willing to sit and talk even for a while before asking if you want a dance. They do lose a few points for not offering to get change if you hand them a twenty for a $15 dance, but overall, I have no real complaints about the attitudes.

Value (5.5/10) – The $7.50 beers are about average for Montreal, but it's nice that they have an option to buy a pitcher for $20. As with everywhere else in Montreal, you don't have to tip at the stage and, as with most of the other places, the stage action is fully nude. The topless contact dances are $15 each and the nude no-contact dances are $20, both of which are fairly standard for Montreal but good deals nonetheless.

Dance Setup (6/10) – Lap dances are given in booths with no door, but no one can see in unless they're walking by. One nice touch at this place is that they have mirrors in front of the booths so you can see what you're grabbing on to.

Club Setup (3/10) – The setup here is exactly the same as at Club Downtown next door - the long but narrow club is on the 2nd floor of the building, it has a small bar to the left when you walk in and a smaller than average stage on the right side toward the back of the club. You can either sit at the stage or at one of the many tiny tables that are scattered around the room. It isn't great, but you'll be spending most of your time getting lap dances, so it isn't really a big deal.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – Due to the relative lack of customers, this place doesn't have the same party vibe as a lot of the Montreal clubs. Still, Molson Export + Quebecois titties = Fun, so I've always managed to have a good time.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Le Gentlemen's Choice is within a few blocks of the Centre Bell, the Crescent Street bars, several other strip club and many decent hotels. Basically, it has the best location ever.

Overall – Just like the now-closed Temptations club a block away, Le Gentlemen's Choice is a decent club that just can't stack up against the stiff competition from all of the other Montreal clubs. Strip club connoisseurs in cities like Boston or Toronto would kill to have even one club as good as Le Gentlemen's Choice, but since you could get to a half dozen better clubs within 10 minutes, it isn't worth your time.

TOTAL SCORE = 56.5

Club Downtown (Montreal, QC)

Quality of Dances (14/20) - One of the best things about Montreal is that you can grab a handful of titty in just about every club, and Downtown is no exception. The only real variation (other than at "upscale" places like Wanda's) is the quality of the grind, and that's well above average in this club. I haven't seen any signs of extras, but if you're looking to push your luck in one of the clubs in this area of Ste. Catherine, this would probably be your best shot.

Quality of Dancers (7/10) - The girls here are hot even by Montreal standards, but they have way more than their fair share of fake breasts.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – Club Downtown is full of dancers, but there are so many customers on busy weekends that it can still be hard to find someone for a dance. It's right down the street from the Centre Bell, so there's a particularly poor dancer-to-customer ratio when there's a Habs game or a concert.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - They have a decent mix of black and white dancers, but thin white blondes are over represented and there aren't a whole lot of curvier ladies.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – A lot of the girls in this place are stuck up. I admit that they're attractive, but they aren't quite as hot as they think they are. I've been more impressed with the attitudes during the day shift, probably because there aren't 100 other customers waiting to hand a dancer cash if she pisses you off.

Value (6/10) – The $5 cover is about average, the drinks are expensive (as they are everywhere in Montreal), and the dances are an excellent value at $15 each. This place isn't a bad value, but it's tough to look good on the value scale when Cafe Cleopatra and its $10 dances are just a 10 minute walk away.

Dance Setup (8.5/10) – Dances are given in small booths on 3rd floor of building. They have curtains on the entrance to each booth, and although they're somewhat sheer, they're thick enough that no one can see in unless they stand there and stare - which they thankfully don't. They even get a bonus point for the airline safety style drawings reminding your drunk ass of their dance rules. Hands on the ass - ok. Pulling down their bottoms - not so much.

Club Setup (3/10) – The setup is the same as everywhere else on this block - narrow club on 2nd floor, small stage, small crowded bar and a bunch of small tables. The only thing that sets this place apart is the urinal, which is a waterfall that you piss into. It's not much, but I'm easily amused when I'm drunk.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – This place has a great party vibe and is somewhere that you could spend several hours. As with all of the clubs in this area, there are always going to be some obnoxious tourists, but it's just too much fun for me to really care.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Downtown is so accessible that you can sneak in a visit even if you're on a romantic getaway to Montreal with your girlfriend. Just say you're going to grab some poutine and run. Or so I've heard.

Overall – If the girls' attitudes would improve, this place would probably slightly beat out Super Contact for the title of best club on Rue Saint Catherine. As is, it's good enough to keep me coming back, but not so good as to ever get me to spend an entire evening here. It's definitely worth a visit though, especially if you're staying nearby or going to any of the other clubs in this part of town.

TOTAL SCORE = 59.5

Temptations (Montreal, QC) CLOSED

Quality of dances (10/20) – You can feel up the dancers as much as you want, but most of the girls aren’t all that aggressive toward customers, at least until you’ve bought several dances in a row from the same girl. Extras did not seem to be available, but I woke up the next day with a stripper’s phone number in my wallet, so takeout may be an option. I can’t confirm this though, because I shockingly was sleeping alone and never tried to call the number.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – This club doesn't get as much traffic as a lot of the other nearby places, so the primary reason for girls to work here is if they aren't hot enough or fun enough to compete with the girls in the big clubs. Having said that, slightly below average for Montreal is still slightly above average.

Number of Dancers (4.5/10) – This is a small club that doesn’t have a ton of dancers, but there aren’t usually many customers either, so the ratio isn’t bad. I've never had a problem finding a girl to get a dance from within a minute of walking in.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Most of the girls here are Quebecois, but there are usually a few black dancers in the mix.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – I remembered these girls as being really friendly, but based on the fact that I started the night with enough money to go crazy at the clubs for the weekend and woke up with an empty wallet, I may have gotten hustled at some point while blackout drunk.

Value (3.5/10) – The girls aren’t hot enough to justify the $15 dances when there are better places right down the street and drinks are about standard for Montreal, but that’s still expensive. Also, there’s a cover charge that they won’t budge on it, even if the club is dead, which it often is.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – The dance booths are in the back of the club, out of view of the few customers who are sitting in the club. The booths are relatively large and are have a curtain across the opening. You can see through the curtain if you really look, but it does offer some decent privacy.

Club Setup (2.5/10) – The setup here is pretty much the same as all of the other clubs on this block. You walk up a narrow stairway to get to the second floor, where you'll find a narrow club with a fairly small stage. They have some tables and chairs, but it's somewhat cramped and way too bright.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – The first time I visited, I was too lazy/drunk to go to another club once I’d already paid the cover to get in, but the atmosphere was fairly poor. To avoid the main floor of the club, I just spent the entire time getting dances. In retrospect, dropping another $5 on a cover somewhere else would have been a few hundred dollars cheaper. I've checked back a few times while thinking more clearly, and the atmosphere is always about what you'd expect for a club with few customers, expensive drinks, and uncomfortable chairs. The dj usually does take requests though, so that at least makes it tolerable.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – The location is as good as you could ever ask for. It’s close to a ton of legitimate clubs, near several hotels, only a few blocks from the Centre Bell, and within a 2 minute walk of at least a half dozen other strip clubs.

Overall – In all but about 1 other city in North America, this would be a decent option, but there are just too many better clubs in Montreal for us to recommend it if either your time or your money is limited.

TOTAL SCORE = 50

Cafe Cleopatra (Montreal, QC)

Quality of dances (15.5/20) - This is a full contact club that offers the highest contact that I've had in downtown Montreal. A few girls offer extras, and though that's far from the norm, dances are cheap enough that you can afford to try a few girls before you find a good one if that's what you're looking for.

Quality of dancers (7/10) - The girls might be a notch below those at some of the more well known clubs, but they're still hot enough to be at least average for Montreal.

Number of dancers (6/10) - There are a lot of dancers, but the place can be packed on weekend nights, so the girl/guy ratio still might not be great.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) - Most of the girls are white, but as a guy from the U.S., the French Canadian accents are exotic enough to keep things interesting.

Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) - Some of the girls are too pushy and some of the girls are too shy to try to sell dances, but overall, the attitudes are about average.

Value (10/10) - Full contact dances from hot Quebecois for $10 Canadian are as good a deal as you'll ever find.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) - You get your own booth with a sheer drape covering the entrance, but the booths are small and there are so few of them that you'll almost always have to wait to get a dance on weekends.

Club Setup (4.5/10) - The setup isn't bad, but it can be a little bit cramped and the seating isn't all that comfortable.

Club Atmosphere (7.5/10) - If it weren't so crowded, the atmosphere score would be even higher. You can sit here and drink Molson Exports for hours.

Club Accessibility (5/5) - Cleopatra isn't right beside all of the other downtown clubs, but it's easily within stumbling distance. Plus, if you're looking to score some drugs or bang a streetwalker, you'll already be in the neighborhood.

Overall - This is probably the best club in a city full of good to great clubs. It's worth visiting more than one place, but any night in Montreal should include a stop at Cleopatra.

TOTAL SCORE = 67.5

LAST UPDATED: June, 2010

Super Contact (Montreal, QC)

Quality of dances (9/20) – On my first trip, this would probably have been a 15, but the amount of contact from the girls has steadily decreased over my last several visits. You can still grab them as much as you want, but it just isn't the same without them rubbing back.

Quality of dancers (8.5/10) – Even by Quebec standards, the girls here are hot. There aren't as many as at Super Sexe, but the quality is just as high.

Number of dancers (4/10) – As with the quality of the dances, the number of dancers has been declining over my last several visits. Recently, there's only been one girl on stage and a few walking around looking to give dances.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – The diversity here is very good. There could stand to be a few more black girls, but there's a pretty solid supply of white and Latina dancers.

Attitude of Dancers (8/10) – The dancers here are great. I go every 4 months or so and am still treated like regulars.

Value (6/10) - The dances are pretty solid for $15 Canadian, but there are many better deals to be had in Montreal.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The booths have open doors, but you are facing parallel to the opening, and only the person in the opposing booth can see what you're up to. It's not a great setup for extras, but its pretty solid for a standard aggressive dance.

Club Setup (5/10) - The club is small and the stage takes up a decent percentage of the space. There are several tables with a good view of the action, but there's no reason not to just sit at the stage since you don't have to tip in Canada. Glorious and Free!

Club Atmosphere (6/10) - The regular waitress, Jessica, is amazing. Other than that, the atmosphere is fairly mediocre.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Downtown Montreal, right along Rue St. Catherine. If you can't walk here from your hotel, you're staying in the wrong area.

Overall - At its best, this is a great club; at its worst, it's a decent place to hang out for a few hours and get some reasonably priced dances. Unfortunately, it has been at its worst recently. Still, of the places right along Rue St. Catherine, this is probably the best.

TOTAL SCORE = 62

Super Sexe (Montreal, QC)

Quality of dances (10/20) – The dances are now full contact, but the girls aren't super aggressive.

Quality of dancers (8.5/10) – The girls in this place are pretty damn hot. The club is overpriced because it can afford to be.

Number of dancers (6/10) – There are many women here in the evenings, but the afternoons aren't so great.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – There are a few black girls, but the dancers are mostly white French Canadians.

Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – This is the club that tourists go to, and the girls assume that everyone is a sucker tourist. They'll try to rip you off, and if you won't let them, they'll probably just move on to someone else.

Value (1.5/10) – The $5 cover with a free lunch buffet is a pretty good deal, but evenings here are going to be more expensive than they should be. You have to tip the bouncer each time you get a dance, and you don't really get any value in return for that extra money.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The dances are performed in booths with an open side, but the opening is only facing one other booth, and whoever is in that booth has better things to look at than you.

Club Setup (7/10) - There's a large stage, and a lot of tables away from the stage. Overall, this is a very well designed club.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) - This is the type of club that you could hang out in for hours if it weren't in Montreal. Since it is, though, you need to leave fairly quickly so that you can go to one of the many better clubs that this wonderful city has to offer.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Super Sexe is downtown on Rue St. Catherine. You can be to three or four other clubs within a minute. Assuming that you're staying in this general area (and why wouldn't you?), this club is as accessible as it gets.

Overall - In a normal city, this club would be amazing; in Montreal, it's below average. If you want to see some amazing women, it might be worth stopping in here, but this isn't where you should spend most of your night.

TOTAL SCORE = 55