Notes on Tootsie's Cabaret (Miami, FL)

I've been going through my old notes over the past few weeks and just realize that I someone never posted my thoughts on Tootsie's Cabaret, which is tragic because it's one of my top 5 clubs anywhere in the world. These are my notes that I took during a few trips in 2013, so it's possible that things have changed since here, but I still feel confident giving it my strong endorsement.

Value (5.5/10) No cover and 1/2 price drinks before 8. Cover from $6-$10 depending on day. Nude stage with very good stage show but not ton of interaction. $6 miller ($3 in day). Seems like $3-400ish for more than dances ($75 to club in day ($100 at night) plus $2-300 to girl). $10 table dances but no real touching though nude. 

Club setup (8.5/10) enormous club. Big main stage with 2 25ish foot poles. Another large stage off to side. 2 large bars, dozens of small tables with shitty chairs. Stand up bar tops in back  Both have raised stage area with nearly floor level area by rail. Huge Sports bar with pool tables, 3 cage stages and 4 pop a shot machines. Area upstairs for "high rollers". A little too bright and warehouseish but smoke effects and party vibe make it work though a little impersonal. 

Dancer quality (9/10) some very young, maybe too many implants but very impressive overall. All 7s+

Variety (3/5) white and Latina nice mix, barely any black, all in good shape but some curves

Number (10/10) 3 on stage in afternoon, dozens walking floor and Upwards of a hundred working

Attitudes (2.5/10) definitely some hustle. A few girls grabbed me while I was walking and said "want to have a seat?", then I realized they meant in the dance room . Relentless upswell. Most rub your dick over pants at tables though so not all bad

Atmosphere (9/10) huge party 

Dances (14/20) full 2 way, moderate grinding, promises of extras. Some hands over pants. Some over pants mouth and some Girls reach in to adjust the dick

Dance setup (5.5/10) booths with little wall in front. People walking by can see from some angles but reasonably private. Both dance areas are similar

Location (3/5) Not too far from the city, but you're going to have to drive to get there.

Overall - As mentioned above, Tootsie's Cabaret is among my favorite clubs of all time. I like a lot of South Florida clubs, but this is the best of them.

RAW SCORE - 70

Club Madonna (South Beach, FL)

Dances (9/20) - These dances could be fairly solid if it weren't for the constant attempts to upsell. I like to sit back and relax during a dance and you can't really do that here. These girls start with the hustle before the songs even start. "It's $25 (on top of the $25 dance fee) for you to touch me, $40 for me to touch you," etc., etc. up to "$300 for me to make you come." I gave the one girl a $10 tip to try end the sales pitch, but she still kept it going throughout the song. She did use her hands over the pants as a sample of what I could get for more cash, so there's contact to be had if you're willing to put up with the bullshit.

Dancers (6.5/10) - Most of these ladies look like the types who'd have been getting free drinks in the bars along Ocean Drive a few years ago, but once they got too old to compete with the 21 year-olds, they brought their talents to this South Beach establishment. The average age seems to be somewhere in the late 20's. Still, if you're willing to overlook the fake tits, most of these girls are reasonably attractive. I always prefer natural breasts of any size over implants, but I must admit that the doctors down here do much more convincing work that you'll find elsewhere in the U.S.

Variety (2.5/5) - There's a decent mix of white and Latina dancers, but you better like thin girls with fake tits and processed hair because that's 90% of what you'll find in here.

Number (8/10) - There are a ton of girls in this place, and even if the club is packed with customers, there are even more dancers. Whether it's a good thing or not, you'll never go more than a minute or two without being approached by one or more dancers.

Attitude (0/10) - I've never seen as much hustle as I found in this club. If these girls have any redeeming qualities, I didn't stay long enough to find them.

Atmosphere (1/10) - They get a point based on the numerous attractive female patrons, but the hustle is such a buzzkill that they don't deserve any more than that. Whether you're ordering a drink, trying to watch the stage action, getting a dance, or doing just about anything else, you'll be fighting off people who are trying to rip you off. If you let your guard down, you'll be taken. If you constantly have your guard up, that makes for a shitty strip club experience. And if that's not enough, the sheer level of douchebaggery in this place is enough to make Ed Hardy blush.

Club Setup (5.5/10) - This is a large room with high ceilings and a lot of couches/benches and small tables throughout. The bar is tiny and the main stage is smaller than you'd expect, though there were several smaller stages throughout the room that were unused while I was there. Some bigger tables and booths would make this place better for larger groups, but the setup is still decent overall.

Dance Setup (3/10) - Dances are given in individual chairs on the second floor of the club. There aren't any barriers between you and the other chairs, so the dancers and other customers who are getting dances have a clear view of you, but at least the people downstairs can't see what you're up to.

Value (0/10) - The advertised drink prices and the $25 dances aren't unreasonable for South Beach, but the prices that they actually charge for drinks, the $20 cover and the upgrade prices for lap dances are ridiculous.

Accessibility (5/5) - Club Madonna is within walking distance of anywhere in South Beach and is particularly close to the Loews Hotel. That's almost a bad thing because it means that you'll be tempted to stop by, but to be fair, I have to give them full credit.

Overall - This club sucks, which is a real shame since it has so much potential. A new manager could make this place solid within about 10 minutes and great within a few weeks, but they just don't have any motivation to put in the effort. They rely on a new batch of tourists each week, and they know that a lot of those tourists will be drunk enough to allow themselves to get ripped off. Even with the more savvy customers, the worst case scenario from the club's perspective is that you'll drop $20 on the cover, ~$10 on a drink and $25 on a dance before realizing what a hole this is and leaving. It's rare that a strip club qualifies as a tourist trap, but Club Madonna certainly does.

TOTAL SCORE = 40.5