Notes on Tootsie's Cabaret (Miami, FL)

I've been going through my old notes over the past few weeks and just realize that I someone never posted my thoughts on Tootsie's Cabaret, which is tragic because it's one of my top 5 clubs anywhere in the world. These are my notes that I took during a few trips in 2013, so it's possible that things have changed since here, but I still feel confident giving it my strong endorsement.

Value (5.5/10) No cover and 1/2 price drinks before 8. Cover from $6-$10 depending on day. Nude stage with very good stage show but not ton of interaction. $6 miller ($3 in day). Seems like $3-400ish for more than dances ($75 to club in day ($100 at night) plus $2-300 to girl). $10 table dances but no real touching though nude. 

Club setup (8.5/10) enormous club. Big main stage with 2 25ish foot poles. Another large stage off to side. 2 large bars, dozens of small tables with shitty chairs. Stand up bar tops in back  Both have raised stage area with nearly floor level area by rail. Huge Sports bar with pool tables, 3 cage stages and 4 pop a shot machines. Area upstairs for "high rollers". A little too bright and warehouseish but smoke effects and party vibe make it work though a little impersonal. 

Dancer quality (9/10) some very young, maybe too many implants but very impressive overall. All 7s+

Variety (3/5) white and Latina nice mix, barely any black, all in good shape but some curves

Number (10/10) 3 on stage in afternoon, dozens walking floor and Upwards of a hundred working

Attitudes (2.5/10) definitely some hustle. A few girls grabbed me while I was walking and said "want to have a seat?", then I realized they meant in the dance room . Relentless upswell. Most rub your dick over pants at tables though so not all bad

Atmosphere (9/10) huge party 

Dances (14/20) full 2 way, moderate grinding, promises of extras. Some hands over pants. Some over pants mouth and some Girls reach in to adjust the dick

Dance setup (5.5/10) booths with little wall in front. People walking by can see from some angles but reasonably private. Both dance areas are similar

Location (3/5) Not too far from the city, but you're going to have to drive to get there.

Overall - As mentioned above, Tootsie's Cabaret is among my favorite clubs of all time. I like a lot of South Florida clubs, but this is the best of them.

RAW SCORE - 70

Scores Tampa (Tampa, FL)

Quality of Dances (6/20) – I’ve rarely seen as much variation from one girl to the next, with the dances here ranging from awful to very enjoyable.  Some girls give air dances, but most provide at least some contact, but even that is highly variable.  Some say you can touch “anywhere but the ass, tits and cookie,” while others put your hands directly on their asses and grind.  I wouldn’t come here looking for great dances, but you have a much better chance of getting an adequate dance here than you do at most of the other non-nude clubs in Tampa.

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – The girls at Scores are attractive, but they’re not Tampa’s finest.  Expect to see lots of ladies in the 6-8 range with a few beauties and a few who aren’t so great, but you’re likely to find hotter girls at Penthouse, Thee Dollhouse, and Mons Venus.

Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – There are usually three or four dancers on stage at a time and somewhere around a dozen dancers in the building. The total number is comparable to what you’d find at Penthouse, but there are more girls on the stage at any given time at Scores.  Even though lots of ladies are working the regulars in the crowd, you shouldn’t have to wait too long even as a first-time visitor.   

Variety of Dancers (2.5/5) – Most of the dancers are thin and white, but I did see a few Asians and a few who were so exotic that I couldn’t figure out where they were from. 

Attitudes (6/10) – The ladies were happy to sit and chat with customers before asking about dances, and most were upfront about the ridiculously high dance prices.  At a lot of places, the girls ignore then dance fee that goes to the club, but these ladies were straight about it.

Value (3/10) – Valet parking is complementary (though you should just stay at the HoJo down the street and walk here anyway), and the $10 cover and $5 beers are reasonable.  My signature drink (a Redbull and double whisky) was $13, though, and $20 for table dances and $30 plus $10 to the club for real dances is just ridiculous.

Club Setup (4.5/10) – This is a fairly small place, with lots of small tables and rolly chairs in a cramped area and a decent sized square bar in the back.  The stage isn’t huge, but it’s long and they manage to fit several girls on it, and there’s a glass wall behind the stage with a weird VIP area behind it so you get to look at guys who think they’re better than you the whole time that you’re watching the stage show. 

Dance Setup (6/10) – You get your dance on a couch in a private booth with an opaque curtain, and there’s a TV in there showing you a live feed of the stage. That may sound amazing, but is actually just adequate.  The TV is super low def, the couch has an uncomfortable bar in the center, and an infrared camera that stares at you kills any illusion of privacy that you may have. 

Atmosphere (7/10) – I was trashed by the time I got here, so I’ll have to trust my notes.  I wrote, “louder, more party 7/10.” No idea what it’s louder than or what it’s more of a party than, but it sounds like I had a good time.  The real key is that it serves alcohol right beside the excellent but alcohol-free Mons Venus and across the street from the very solid Odyssey 2001.   

Location (4/5) – Scores isn’t in downtown Tampa, but it’s in the perfect location for a strip club.  You could throw a baseball from their parking lot and hit two other strip clubs (Mons Venus and Odyssey 2001) and a hotel (Howard Johnson), so you don’t have to invest a lot of time to check it out.  

Overall – The big thing that Scores has going for it is that it serves alcohol while the two other clubs in the neighborhood do not.  Both of the other clubs are vastly superior to this place, but Scores is a decent option if you want to have a few beers before hitting the good clubs and you don’t feel like drinking out of a brown paper bag in the parking lot. 

RAW SCORE = 52.5 

Penthouse Tampa (Tampa, FL)

Dance Quality (4/20) - There's some minimal contact during these dances, but there's no grinding and you can't really touch the lades other than maybe by putting your hands on their hips.  If you're expecting the contact that Tampa is famous for, you're going to be disappointed, because that's largely confined to the nude, alcohol-free joints.  

Dancer Quality (8/10) - All of the dancers at the Penthouse club are fairly attractive and fall within the 7-9 range.  I didn't see a single dancer that I'd go out of my way to avoid.  This is a pastie club, but they're small enough that it doesn't really detract from your enjoyment of the beautiful bodies.

Number (4/10) - There were around a dozen girls working when I stopped by on a Thursday night, which wasn't really enough for the crowd but still kept the stage rotation fresh since they only had one girl up there at a time.  

Variety (3/10) - I didn't see any thick girls in here, but there were still enough curves to keep it interesting, and there was a nice mix of natural tits and implants.  Most of the ladies are white, but the few black and Asian dancers who are mixed in are very attractive.

Attitudes (4/10) - These ladies are decent in general, but many of them aren't straight with you about the real price of dances.  They'll say it's $30, but after fees to the club, it ends up being $40 for the first one.  My other complaint is that there's a huge focus on regulars, so you're going to have to be patient if you're a first-timer looking for dances.  On the bright side, the waitresses are scantily clad and are amazingly friendly.

Value (2/10) - With $30 dances and a $10 fee for admission to the dance area, this place would be a poor value even if they gave away beers and let you in for free.  Unfortunately, they don't.  There's a $10 cover, a $3 mandatory valet fee and $5 beers.  The beers are a bargain on Mondays and any weekdays before 9pm when they're 2-for-1, but the stage value is mediocre at best, with minimal pole moves and impersonal floor work. 

Club Setup (4/10) - This place is much smaller than other Penthouse clubs than I've been to, but there's still a nice, decent sized bar, a restaurant in a raised area in the back, and plenty of seats throughout the room, all with a good view of the only stage.  It's less than ideal for groups of more than 3 or 4, but it's decent for solo outings or a night out with one or two buddies.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) - Dances are given on couches in a raised area in the back of the club.  Beads and the backs of other couches partially block the view from the main area of the club, but the bouncer who stands at the entrance of this area kills any hope that you'll have some privacy.    

Atmosphere (6/10) - Maybe it's just because the other top Tampa clubs don't serve alcohol, but I really enjoy the atmosphere at this place. It's less formal than some of the other Penthouse clubs that I've been to, but it's still clean and safe and they play lots of accessible music at a reasonable volume.  It's less formal than some of the other Penthouse clubs, and it can get boring if you stay too long, but as a place to have a few beers before heading home or to another club, it's excellent.

Location (3.5/5) - Penthouse is right down the street from Thee Dollhouse and is near the airport, plus it's not too far from Mons Venus and 2001 Odyssey.

Overall - If I only had one or two nights in Tampa, I'd spend my time at Mons Venus and 2001 Odyssey, but Penthouse is an acceptable option if you need alcohol more than you need lap dances.  

TOTAL SCORE = 39

Mons Venus (Tampa, FL)

Quality of Dances (17/20) – The dances at Mons Venus are excellent.  They’re fully nude, there’s a ton of grinding and you can touch anywhere except between the legs, though some girls also request that you don’t focus too much on their nipples.  You won’t be finishing in here unless you’re a little quick on the trigger, but I’ve never had a dance at Mons that I didn’t enjoy.

Quality of Dancers (10/10) – The ladies in this place are blazing, and that’s especially impressive since it’s a nude club that prevents them from hiding any flaws.  Pretty much all of them are in the 7+ range, and there are several 9s and 10s working on any given night.

Number of Dancers (10/10) – There are 4 or 5 girls on stage at a time, and pretty much one girl for each guy in the crowd on weeknights.  That can be annoying in a lesser club since you’ll constantly be bothered by girls who might fall below your standards, but there’s no filler at Mons Venus, so you know that the girls who will be harassing you are hot.

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of these girls are young, thin and white, but I’m giving them a little credit because the few black girls that they do have are amazing, and their Asians aren’t bad at all either.  The most unique variety that I’ve seen, though, is in the pubic hair department.  As you’d expect, there are lots of bald eagles, but I’ve also seen some 70’s style super bushes, including one on a girl who galloped around the stage in the most awkward manner possible but still would rate as a perfect 10 on any straight man’s scale.

Attitudes (2.5/10) – This isn’t the place to come for conversation.  If you want a dance, they’ll provide it, and if you don’t, they’ll find someone who does.  On the bright side, they’re too busy to waste time playing games about prices, and they’re mostly honest about counting dances, though it’s never a bad idea to keep track yourself just to be safe.    

Value (7/10) – The $20 cover is a little steep, though it’s an alcohol free club and waters are only two bucks, so I can’t complain about that too much.  The dance prices vary between $20 to $30 depending on the girl, but the songs are insanely long and you should be able to get a slight discount if you buy in bulk.  Six for $100 is about the best offer that I heard without doing much negotiating, but I’m sure you can do a little better than that if you’re there on a slow night and don’t mind looking like a cheapskate. 

Club Setup (3/10) – As with 2001 Odyssey across the street, this place is much smaller than you’d expected for a world famous club.  There’s a moderately sized main stage in the center of the room with a bunch of shitty seats around it, and benches along both sides of the room and a raised area in the back provide for some extra seating, but the setup definitely leaves a lot to be desired overall.  The bathroom, in particular, is ridiculous. A bathroom can either have a stall-less shitter or an attendant, but the combination made me feel like I was in this old Saturday Night Live sketch.    

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – On the one side of the club, there’s a long bench for dances. It faces away from the stage, but there’s a mirror in front of you so you can get a good view of what your girl is doing, but, unfortunately, that means everyone else can see what she’s up to as well. On the other side of the club, there’s a long couch/bench dance area, but patrons who aren’t getting dances sit over there too so it’s not at all private. The one saving grace is that the ceiling is mirrored, so you do get a unique view, but this is still a pretty poor dance setup for a club that’s known as a lap dance factory.

Atmosphere (4/10) – The atmosphere in here is about as good as it gets for an alcohol free club.  It’s much closer to the party vibe of the Las Vegas Little Darlings than it is to the sad, creepy ambiance of the juicebars in New England.

Location (4/5) – A convenience store next door that sells cans of beer with paper bags is next door, a liquor store is within walking distance, 2001 Odyssey is right across the street and Scores is just a few feet away.  If you stay at the Howard Johnson across the street, the location is perfect, and it isn’t terribly inconvenient from the airport.  It’s not downtown, but there’s really no reason to stay downtown anyway. 

Overall – Mons Venus has gorgeous dancers, great dances, and is just generally a fun place to spend part of an evening.  I’ve only previously given the seal of approval to one alcohol-free club, but Mons Venus is deserving of the distinction.  If you’re in Tampa, go here.   

RAW SCORE = 60.5

2001 Odyssey (Tampa, FL)

Quality of Dances (18/20) – Regular lap dances don’t get a whole lot better than the fully nude grinding versions with plenty of stick shifting that you get at 2001 Odyssey.  If you’re looking for more than that, it will cost you (I’ve heard prices in the $300-400 range for some services that go above and beyond), but it’s always nice to have options.  I’ve never gone for that, but I can confirm that the $200 dances in the spaceship are excellent.  I was going to make a joke about blasting off, but it would be too corny, so I’ll just say this – they’ll usually offer to make you cum in your pants.

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – You might expect a little more quality out of a famous club like this, but they don’t have any terribly unattractive girls and a few of them are stunning.  Most, though, are in the 6-7 range. 

Number of Dancers (8/10) – There are usually two girls on the tiny stage at a time, and there are almost too many working the crowd considering how small this place is. I’m sure the number of customers goes way up on weekends, but the dancer to customer ratio has always been greater than 1-to-1 during my weeknight visits.  

Variety of Dancers (2/5) – You’re going to find mostly thin white dancers at just about any of the Tampa clubs, but there are at least a few curves and black girls mixed in at this place. 

Attitudes (2/10) – 2001 is a hustle hut.  “Wanna dance?” is about the extent of the conversation, and most girls try to hide the fact that there’s supposed to be a $5 fee paid to the bouncer every time that you go for a dance.  Once you spend some cash, some of the girls soften up, but even that isn’t a sure thing.   

Value (3/10) – The $15 cover is to be expected at an alcohol-free club, but they need to either lower it a little or drop the 1 drink minimum.  The club also theoretically takes $5 each time that you go to the dance room, but I’ve found that they usually only charge that a few times if you tip the bouncer a few bucks or if you’re a lap dance fiend like me.  The value for the dances themselves, though, isn’t too bad at $25 for each relatively short song, and the stage value is pretty solid. 

Club Setup (3/10) – For such a famous joint, this place is shockingly undersized.  There’s a small stage and several small tables with shitty chairs, and there’s a small juice bar, but you should be spending most of your time getting dances anyway, so the fact that it isn’t a great setup isn’t a dealbreaker. The only real bright spot on the inside is the rain making machine, but the spaceship on the roof of the building is so amazingly ridiculous that I had to give them a few points here. 

Dance Setup (4/10) – You get your own mirrored booth during the regular dances, but the privacy is still limited since people can see you when they walk by and cameras are pointed right at you.  The setup in the spaceship is much better, but that’s to be expected since it’s $200 to go up there. 

Atmosphere (3/10) – 2001 is more laid back than Mons Venus, but it still has a fun party vibe.  The score would be much higher if they served alcohol, but I didn’t even miss that too much since there are liquor stores and a convenience store within walking distance, so you can periodically pound some drinks in the parking lot to keep the buzz going.  I wouldn’t go for multiple consecutive Modelo tallboys though, because that didn’t work out so well for me the last time I was there. 

Location (4/5) – There’s a reasonably priced HoJo next door and the world famous Mons Venus is right across the street, plus it’s right by Scores if you want to down a few adult beverages without going the paper bag route.  It’s a little out of the way if you’re staying in downtown Tampa, but why would you do that when you could just crash by this little oasis of excellent strip clubs?

Overall – I like Mons Venus better overall, but 2001 Odyssey is a very good club in its own right and actually has slightly better lap dances and infinitely better potential if you’re looking for more than a lap dance.  Since you can walk back and forth between the two, you might as well hit both in one night.  

RAW SCORE = 54