Chicas Bonitas (North Las Vegas, NV)

Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – These are some of the most aggressive lap dances that I’ve gotten in Las Vegas. There’s great grinding, upper and lower body two-way contact is encouraged (my hand was moved straight to one girl’s crotch despite me having neither the intention nor the interest in reaching down there), and the girls that I got dances from were active with their hands and mouths over the pants. Extras would be difficult given the lack of privacy, but I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that some of these girls offer them anyway.

Quality of Dancers (2/10) – Sadly, there was nothing bonita about these chicas. Out of the eight dancers who were working when I stopped by, only 2 would have been above a 5 on the 0-10 non-dancer scale, and there would a few who could not have paid me to accept a dance.  

Number of Dancers (3/10) – There were nearly as many dancers as customers during my afternoon visit, but I can’t give them too much credit since there were only two attractive ladies in the building. You shouldn’t have to wait too long for attention since the regulars don’t seem to be big spenders, but you’re out of luck if you’re hoping to have a lot of beauties to choose from.   

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – There’s a nice mix of thin and very thick black and Latina dancers, but there are exactly as many white dancers as you would expect from a club called Chicas Bonitas.

Attitudes (6/10) – Despite the fact that this is a neighborhood type of place where everyone is treated well, these ladies had a hard edge to them that prevented me from wanting to get into any long conversations. They’re not unfriendly, but I don’t think you’ll be making any real connections with these dancers.

Value (7/10) – For Vegas, it’s hard to complain about no cover charge, $4.50 drinks and $10 table dances, and even the $25 lap dances in the back aren’t a bad deal. If you’ve blown all your money at the casinos and the more upscale clubs, this might not be a bad place to stretch a buck if you care more about a bargain than you do about your personal safety.   

Club Setup (1.5/10) – There’s a brightly lit main stage in the front, a large bar with TVs showing soccer games in the back, and a ton of uncomfortable chairs with wraparound tables attached throughout the club. Those chair/table combos were annoying enough in elementary school, but in a strip club where women should be sitting on your lap, they’re completely inexcusable. 

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Dances are given in a back room that’s mostly separated from the main room by a curtain, but the curtain is somewhat sheer and there’s a big opening in the middle where people can look in, and the bouncer pokes his head in once per song to make sure that you aren’t haven’t too much fun. A soft bench goes around the perimeter of the back room so there are plenty of choices of places to sit, but there’re no dividers or anything else to block the view of other people who are getting dances. Luckily, table dances seem to be a more popular option than real lap dances, so you shouldn’t have too much company in the dance room if you do decide to go back there.

Atmosphere (0/10) – I enjoyed the mix of hip hop and Latin music, but that’s pretty much the only good thing I can say about the atmosphere in here. Seeing a shoving match and a drunk guy passed out in the club without management reacting in any way whatsoever would be bad enough at night, but it’s just ridiculous to witness that during the day shift. If you do go here, I strongly encourage you to do so before the sun goes down, because I got the impression that this is the kind of place where some of the customers could get a little stabby at night.

Location (1.5/5) – It’s right down the street from the Palomino (the only nude Las Vegas club that serves alcohol) and is right across the street from a relatively small casino, but Chicas Bonitas is pretty far out of the way if you’re staying on the Strip or even on Freemont Street.

Overall – Chicas Bonitas is the type of place where, if you’re murdered, no one will feel bad for you. It’s kind of what you expect to have happen when you go to a place called Chicas Bonitas in North Las Vegas. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are many strip clubs that I love so much that I’m willing to visit even if it means that I have to risk dying a death that will bring shame upon my family. It’s just that Chicas Bonitas is not one of them.  If you’re in this neighborhood and are desperate to hit a club, go to the Palomino and let me know what you think. I still haven’t been there, but it has to be better than this dump.

RAW SCORE = 39.5

Scores Tampa (Tampa, FL)

Quality of Dances (6/20) – I’ve rarely seen as much variation from one girl to the next, with the dances here ranging from awful to very enjoyable.  Some girls give air dances, but most provide at least some contact, but even that is highly variable.  Some say you can touch “anywhere but the ass, tits and cookie,” while others put your hands directly on their asses and grind.  I wouldn’t come here looking for great dances, but you have a much better chance of getting an adequate dance here than you do at most of the other non-nude clubs in Tampa.

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – The girls at Scores are attractive, but they’re not Tampa’s finest.  Expect to see lots of ladies in the 6-8 range with a few beauties and a few who aren’t so great, but you’re likely to find hotter girls at Penthouse, Thee Dollhouse, and Mons Venus.

Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – There are usually three or four dancers on stage at a time and somewhere around a dozen dancers in the building. The total number is comparable to what you’d find at Penthouse, but there are more girls on the stage at any given time at Scores.  Even though lots of ladies are working the regulars in the crowd, you shouldn’t have to wait too long even as a first-time visitor.   

Variety of Dancers (2.5/5) – Most of the dancers are thin and white, but I did see a few Asians and a few who were so exotic that I couldn’t figure out where they were from. 

Attitudes (6/10) – The ladies were happy to sit and chat with customers before asking about dances, and most were upfront about the ridiculously high dance prices.  At a lot of places, the girls ignore then dance fee that goes to the club, but these ladies were straight about it.

Value (3/10) – Valet parking is complementary (though you should just stay at the HoJo down the street and walk here anyway), and the $10 cover and $5 beers are reasonable.  My signature drink (a Redbull and double whisky) was $13, though, and $20 for table dances and $30 plus $10 to the club for real dances is just ridiculous.

Club Setup (4.5/10) – This is a fairly small place, with lots of small tables and rolly chairs in a cramped area and a decent sized square bar in the back.  The stage isn’t huge, but it’s long and they manage to fit several girls on it, and there’s a glass wall behind the stage with a weird VIP area behind it so you get to look at guys who think they’re better than you the whole time that you’re watching the stage show. 

Dance Setup (6/10) – You get your dance on a couch in a private booth with an opaque curtain, and there’s a TV in there showing you a live feed of the stage. That may sound amazing, but is actually just adequate.  The TV is super low def, the couch has an uncomfortable bar in the center, and an infrared camera that stares at you kills any illusion of privacy that you may have. 

Atmosphere (7/10) – I was trashed by the time I got here, so I’ll have to trust my notes.  I wrote, “louder, more party 7/10.” No idea what it’s louder than or what it’s more of a party than, but it sounds like I had a good time.  The real key is that it serves alcohol right beside the excellent but alcohol-free Mons Venus and across the street from the very solid Odyssey 2001.   

Location (4/5) – Scores isn’t in downtown Tampa, but it’s in the perfect location for a strip club.  You could throw a baseball from their parking lot and hit two other strip clubs (Mons Venus and Odyssey 2001) and a hotel (Howard Johnson), so you don’t have to invest a lot of time to check it out.  

Overall – The big thing that Scores has going for it is that it serves alcohol while the two other clubs in the neighborhood do not.  Both of the other clubs are vastly superior to this place, but Scores is a decent option if you want to have a few beers before hitting the good clubs and you don’t feel like drinking out of a brown paper bag in the parking lot. 

RAW SCORE = 52.5 

Mr. Happy's (Waterbury, CT)

Quality of dances (9/20) – You aren't going to get away with much more than a hand on the girl's leg, but most of the girls have the skill and the willingness to give some decent knee grind action. The dances aren't good enough to justify coming here, but they're not so bad that they should keep you away if it otherwise sounds like your kind of place.

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – The ladies here are generally not Connecticut's finest, but the quality has gone up significantly over the past few years.  You aren't going to find many girls who would rate as an 8 or above, but there are plenty of girls in the 5-7 range.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – There usually seems to be a decent dancer-to-customer ratio, but that's more due to the lack of customers than it is to anything else. During my most recent visit on a Friday night, I only saw six dancers, and at least two of them were in the dressing room at all times.  That wouldn't be so bad, but the fact that they only have one girl on stage at a time combined with the unusually long stage sets means that you'll quickly tire of whatever girls they do have.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – You're going to find a mix of white, black and Brazilian girls at Mr. Happy's.  The white girls mostly are the tattooed, hard rock types, but there's enough variety to satisfy most tastes.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – Other than some dancers complaining about a lack of tips, the big problem here is that this is very much a locals place, so you're not going to get a whole lot of attention if you're an outsider.  The ladies are relatively friendly if you do manage to get their attention, but good luck with that.

Value (5/10) – There's a $7 cover on weekend nights, beers are $5, and the stage action is above average, with most girls displaying a mix of floor work and pole moves.  Unfortunately, the $25 dances aren't worth nearly that much.

Dance Setup (1/10) – There's a small elevated area in one corner of the club for dances, but there's nothing to keep everyone in the place from watching you. If you're unlucky enough to be getting a dance at the same time as someone else, you'll be very close to them with no barriers at all.

Club Setup (3/10) – The club setup isn't great, but it has improved drastically over the past few years. They have a very large nice stage in the center of the room, a decent bar along the one wall, and about a half dozen small tables around the club.  It's a small place, so you'll have a good view of the stage no matter where you are, but since the vast majority of the seats are at the stage, that may be where you have to sit there if it's busy.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Mr. Happy's is a dive bar type of club where you'll find a very mixed crowd and hear some very mixed music.  I heard everything from hard rock/metal to top 40 R&B, and you'll see guys in the crowd who seem to go along with each of those types of music.  Overall, though, the crowd is decent, and I've never felt threatened.  It's certainly a less intimidating crowd than you'd find down the street at Peek-a-Boos.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Mr. Happy's isn't far from the interstate or downtown Waterbury, but I don't think you'd be able to find lodging anywhere near here.

Overall – Mr. Happy's is much better than it was a few years ago, a lot of people seem to like it, and it's unquestionably the best club in Waterbury, but it's still a below average club that isn't worth going out of your way for.

TOTAL SCORE = 38

Centerfolds (Berlin, CT)

Quality of Dances (14/20) – There's some variation from girl to girl, but you'll almost always get at least a solid grind and some skilled knee action, and most of the girls allow varying degrees of 2-way contact. Several of the girls will position their boobs on your face and it isn't uncommon for them to encourage you to take a handfull. Some of the girls give some over-the-pants hand action, and though extras are not available, there are girls who will gladly do everything in their power to leave the customer feeling satisfied.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – The girls here are fairly attractive overall. I've seen a few older ladies once or twice each, but the regular dancers are almost all in their 20's or early 30's and look good. The majority of ladies are all natural and even most of the enhanced ladies have fairly convincing boob jobs.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – I've found a solid dancer-to-customer ratio during off-peak hours, but that's been more due to a lack of customers than it has been due to an abundance of dancers.  The ratio goes down when it gets busier, but there are still usually plenty of ladies to prevent anyone from waiting too long for some attention. And even when they have plenty of girls working, they almost always only have one girl working the stage at a time.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3.5/5) – Centerfolds has mostly white dancers with a fair number of Puerto Ricans and Brazilians and the occasional Asian mixed in.  There are unfortunately almost never any black ladies, but there's enough other variety to prevent that from being too big of a problem.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – The girls here are very friendly and good to talk to, and they all seem to be genuinely grateful for tips. Some of the girls can get a little clingy if you visit often (especially one of the Russians), but my biggest complaint is that a lot of the girls focus on the regulars at the expense of visitors.  Still, that isn't usually a major problem unless they're busy.

Value (6/10) – The $5-8 cover and $5.25 bottled beers are about average, and the topless stage action is adequate, though nothing special. Lap dances are the standard $20, but at least here they're good enough that you feel like you're getting something for your money. Even when the girls make real efforts to get the job done, I haven't found any of them requesting any extra cash.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – Dances are given in a bright area in the back of the club where several fairly uncomfortable chairs are lined up next to each other. There are no dividers between most of the chairs and people could see you from the stage, but you're at least somewhat obscured from the bar and the bouncers rarely check up on you.  The two slightly better seats in the back right corner go quickly, so you may want to wait until one is available before requesting a dance.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – This is a fairly nice club with a large bar and a fairly large stage, but it's way too bright and there aren't any tables to sit at.  There's a second stage between the bar and the dance area, but it's never in use, even when the club is packed.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – Centerfolds is a decent place to hang out for a while and have a few beers, and the fact that most of the bartendresses look and dress like dancers doesn't hurt the situation at all. Having tables would make it much better for groups, but it's still easy to have a good time here.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Centerfolds is along a fairly empty stretch of the Berlin Turnpike south of New Britain. It about halfway between Hartford and New Haven, so you don't have any choice but to drive to get here. My biggest problem with the location is that there's really no discreet way to get inside the club. You can park your car behind the building, but you'll have to walk in the well lit entrance that's in clear view of anyone who happens to be driving by on the Berlin Turnpike.

Overall - Centerfolds isn't great at anything, but it's an all-around solid club that's near the top of my Connecticut rotation.  The only other club within 20 minutes of here that's worth considering is the Key Club in New Haven, but I definitely like Centerfolds more.  The dances are comparable, but the girls are hotter here and the overall vibe is a lot better.

TOTAL SCORE = 53

Harry O's (Stamford, CT)

Quality of Dances (19/20) – The dances at Harry O's are among the best that I've ever received.  I was careful to tell every approaching lady that I just wanted a regular dance because there's no surer way for a relatively young white guy to draw suspicion at an urban club than to wait for a girl to offer extra services before shooting her down, but I got the feeling that my sense of decency was the only thing holding the action in check.  I especially appreciate that most of these ladies have the skill and put in the effort to make things fun even if you're opting for less than the full range of services.  My favorite thing about these dances, though, is the way that the ladies deal with the partial song that's playing before your song starts.  You stand with your back to a wall outside of the lap dance area and the dancer backs up in front of you, then alternates between a standing grind and some over the pants hand action to get your full attention before the real dance starts

Quality of Dancers (3.5/10) – It's rare to find a club with more variable dancer quality than at Harry O's.  During my first visit (afternoon), most of the crew was made up of bronze skinned beauties.  During my second visit (night), it was mostly overweight streetwalker types.  During my third visit, it started with a decent mix, but the percentage of nasties went up as the night went on.  Most of the girls make their money then leave, so the earlier the better if you're hoping to find a girl that anyone else would want to spend money on.  

Number of Dancers (4/10) – They've averaged about a half dozen dancers during my visits, with a little more than that in the afternoon and a little less at night.  The ratio isn't always great because the place can get packed with customers, but most of them aren't spending money, so it can be easy to get a girl's attention by tipping a few bucks at the stage.  And when I say "a few," I mean a very few.  For five bucks, you can be a god.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Despite the name and the clover on the wall, Harry O's is not an Irish establishment.  They've got Latinas and black girls and more than enough size variation for most men's tastes, but you're shit out of out of luck if you're looking for white meat.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – The pre-dance fluffing is enough to win me over, but even discounting that, these ladies are exceptionally friendly.  I don't know how they put up with guys randomly smacking their asses as they walk by without losing their cool, but somehow they do it.  My only real complaint is that the constant questions about whether I'm a cop can get old, but the fact that they're asking means that they're up for a party, so I won't complain to much.

Value (3.5/10) – $2.50 happy hour domestics are solid, but $6 beers the rest of the time and $25 dances are steep for a dive like this.  The stage value is solid, though, with girls putting on a nice show and being particularly appreciative if you don't think that your buck entitles you to slip in a finger.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – This isn't the worst dance setup that I've seen, but it's by far the worst that I've seen in a place where the girls give "dances" like this.  There're just four shitty chairs facing each other in a small, brightly lit room where you can't help but see what everyone else is up to.  The people in the main room can't see you, but there's a mirror positioned so that the bouncer can keep an eye on things.  You'd have to be completely shameless to try to go beyond a regular dance, but from what I've caught in my peripheral vision, there's no shortage of shameless guys in this place.

Club Setup (1/10) – Harry O's is a shithole.  It smells bad, it's falling apart, and I'm dry heaving just thinking about the red mystery substance that was all over the toilet seat during one of my visits.  Why did I even go into the bathroom stall in a place like this you ask?  Well, I was going to the urinal, but there's no stall here - just a shitter and a urinal in a room that can't be locked.

As for the rest of the place, it's a small club with a long bar, a pool table in the back and a medium sized horseshoe shaped stage in the main area.  The bar fills up quickly and you'll probably think the stage seats are filled when you see guys standing three deep at the front of the stage, but they're just cheap bastards who avoid tipping by not going directly to the rail.  So, as long as you're willing to drop a buck or two per song, a seat should always be waiting for you.  

Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – If you're ever found yourself sitting at King Arthur's in Chelsea thinking, this place is a little too upscale for my tastes," then Harry O's is the joint for you.  The crowd is rough and you'll draw lots of unwanted attention if English is your first language, but here's all that you really need to know: I was checked for a wire.  I'm not talking about a I-think-they-were-feeling-for-a-wire-during-that-pat-down situation either.  I'm talking about after the pat down when the bouncer made me lift my shirt and spin around.  So, yeah.  Shadiest. Club. Ever.

Club Accessibility (0/5) – It isn't far from downtown Stamford, but I have to give them a goose egg based on the parking situation.  You're going to want to park in their lot since this isn't a great neighborhood, but the lot is comically undersized, so cars park 3 or 4 deep.  That means that every five minutes or so, the bouncer announces something like, "black Nissan, ya gotta move.  Black Nissan, ya gotta move!"  So if you're in the back, you'll have to go out to the lot to let other people leave, and if you're in the front, you'll have to rely on other people to let you out.

Overall – If you're willing to risk the possibility that there won't be an attractive lady in the house and you value quality lap dances more than you value your safety, give it a chance for a daytime visit.  If not, Harry O's isn't the place for you.

RAW SCORE = 39.5

Pleasant Moments (Bridgeport, CT)

UPDATE: Pleasant Moments was closed for much of 2011, but it's now open again and is the same as ever.

Quality of Dances (17/20) – I hate to implicate a club in illegal activities, so I'll start this off by saying that not every girl offered extras (maybe they would have if I'd talked to them, but who can be sure?) and I didn't see any signs that the bartender or bouncer knew about or condoned what the girls were offering.  Plus, they have a sign in the bathroom reminding customers that they'll be asked to leave if they're caught doing drugs, so you know the club is on the up and up.  Having said that, several girls were shocked to find out that I actually wanted a dance since I guess not many customers at Pleasant Moments are looking for that.  Still, they all gave a good effort and were happy to do as much or as little as I wanted them to.  The one girl was even apologetic for her less than skilled dance moves, saying, "sorry, I don't not how to dance to this Spanish music - I usually just suck dick to it."  I had to knock them down a few points because the high chairs can make the contact awkward (more on that below), but these are still great dances.  

Quality of Dancers (2/10) – I've seen a few really hot girls and a lot of not so hot girls, but just about everyone in this place looks a little worn out.  Still, I've always managed to find at least one girl worth getting a dance from on any given night, and if you're into thick girls, you should find a lot more than that.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Pleasant Moments isn't a large club, but there usually aren't more than about 2 customers for every dancer except on weekend nights, so you won't have any problem getting one for a dance.  Unfortunately, the number of dancers is usually in the single digits, and the number of hot dancers is usually in the low single digits, so you might have a hard time finding one you like.  Or, worse yet, you may have to wait for a girl that you like to finish up a dance with another customer, and considering what goes on during many of the "dances," that can be fairly disconcerting.  

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – They have thick, thin, black, and Latina dancers, but you're pretty much out of luck if you're into white ladies.  There is one who's there most of the time, but I just can't bring myself to get a dance from someone who I know has spent too much time in this place.  

Attitude of Dancers (5.5/10) – A few of the ladies are a little strung out (I guess they missed the "no drugs allowed" sign), but they're actually very friendly for the most part.  The combination of friendly girls and the aggressive dances means that I've never had an easier time turning girls down.  If you just say, "sorry, I just had one," almost all of the ladies will say something along the lines of, "ooohhhh, maybe in a half hour or so, then?"  The closest that I got to a bad attitude was one girl who pissily asked me, "what am i supposed to do with these tissues if we're not fucking?"  My question is, what were you going to do with those tissues if we were fucking?  Personally, I'd prefer a condom.  Also, unsurprisingly, this place has had some issues with the Bridgeport Police Department, so if you're white and are dressed in business apparel, you better be seen drinking alcohol the second you walk in, or the girls will disappear.  I don't usually drink water in clubs, but I made an exception here because I figured the bottles would be the cleanest things the place.  Only one girl approached me until I switched to beer, then it was open season. 

Value (6.5/10) – The cover charge is $5, Coronas are $5.50 (that's all anyone drinks) and the stage value is off the charts if you're the kind of guy who likes to grope a girl out in the open.  The real value though comes from the lapdances, which are about the most contact you'll ever get for $20.  And if you're looking for a "dance" rather than a dance, that's a disturbingly cheap $60 from most of the ladies.  

Dance Setup (7/10) –  Dances are given in individual tiny rooms with doors that close and lock.  The only real downsides are the sticky floors and the uncomforable stools that you know people fuck on.  They're just too high off the floor for a proper lapdance, though I imagine that they're not coincidentally the perfect height for using to bend someone over.   

Club Setup (0/10) – This place is a shithole.  There's a large bar with a decent view of the shitty eye-level stage, then there's a raised area off to the side where there are a few stage-side seats and 2 pool tables.  I enjoyed that they have ice in the urinals because few things are more fun that melting that while drunk, but if a ghetto way to save money on urinal cakes is the highlight of a club, that's a bad sign. 

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – If you feel a need to remind customers that drugs are not allowed, you know there are some shady characters around.  I've surprisingly never felt that I was in danger while in Pleasant Moments, but that's primarily due to the fact that everyone is thoroughly patted down upon entering the club.  Still, the shady atmosphere and the constant questions about whether I'm a cop add up to a poor atmosphere, but I doubt that even this club's biggest fans really enjoy hanging out here.  You come here to cum here, and that's about it.  

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – I don't know my way around Bridgeport enough to say whether there are mass transit options, but you'd probably want to be able to get out of here at a moment's notice anyway, so you'll be driving to Pleasant Moments. It isn't in a great neighborhood, but at least you can park close enough to the club that you shouldn't really need to worry about your car.  

Overall – I'm all about aggressive lap dances, but Pleasant Moments is just too dirty, literally and figuratively, to justify me stopping by.  If you're interested in more than dances, that may change the equation for you, but you should definitely be careful with this place.  Police busted the club in late 2010 and both dancers and customers were arrested, so I have to think it's only a matter of time until it's raided again or shut down permanently.  

RAW SCORE = 45.5

Cheerleaders (Pittsburgh, PA)

Quality of Dances (12/20) – I’ve found a ton of variation from one girl to the next,  but for the most part, these are very solid dances.  Tit grabbing was not only tolerated, but was actually encouraged, and more than one girl used her leg and mouth skillfully over the pants.  The dances are topless, but many of the girls adjust the bottoms to give you a full view.  Some of the other girls give dances that are satisfactory at best, but you should be able to have a decent time if you chose wisely. 

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – These ladies are Pittsburgh’s finest, which, surprisingly, is relatively fine.  I expected a little more quality control from a place that takes itself as seriously as this place does, but most of the girls were 7’s or 8’s, and the few girls who I’d rate below that were the affirmative action hires, which I’m ok with in a largely white city.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Cheerleaders’ popularity is their downfall in this category.  They have 3 girls on stage at a time during the evening, and they’ve got several more ladies patrolling the crowd, but it can be nearly impossible to get a girl’s attention for a dance due to the large number of customers during  prime club hours.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – As far as I can tell, there aren’t a whole lot of Asians or Latinas in Pittsburgh, and the selection at Cheerleaders reflects that.  Still, I was happy to see a fair number of black dancers and some size variation in addition to the expected white blonds.

Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – I met a few very friendly dancers at Cheerleader’s, but way too many of them are picky about what customer’s they’ll talk to.  I understand that, from their point of view, the club is so packed that even if they piss off 50 guys, 50 other guys will still be willing to drop cash on them.  Still, it sucks if a girl you’ve been waiting for passes you by because she assumes that the guy wearing a suit has more money than you.  I guess that happens everywhere to some extent, but it was particularly blatant at Cheerleaders.  Or maybe I just noticed it more because, on this occasion, I wasn’t  the guy in the suit. 

Value (1/10) – If you’re going to have a mandatory non-complimentary valet service, you shouldn’t have a cover change.  It isn’t so much that it’s expensive, though that plus a beer usually adds up to $20 (it was $25 the night I was there because a fight was on TV), but it really just feels like a scam.  As does the requirement to get bottle service or pay a $2 upcharge on beers to sit at one of the tables. The dances are an ok value at $25 and the topless stage action doesn’t cost much due to the distance between the bar and the stages, but I’m knocking them down on this because you’ll walk of here feeling like you got scammed. 

Dance Setup (4.5/10) – Dances are given in a separate room from the main area of the club on several individual small benches.  The benches are angled so that you’re facing, at most, one or two other benches, and the benches have high backs, so no one will be able to peak over your shoulder.  So, overall, it’s fairly solid if the club isn’t too crowded and the girls properly distribute customers.  Unfortunately, when the club is crowded, and it usually is, at least one other customer/dancer pair will see what you’re up to.

Club Setup (6/10) – This is a nice club overall with a set of stairs coming down to a center stage and two satellite stages off to the sides.  Each of the satellite stages is several feet away from a large bar area, so you get to toss balled up 1’s at the girls and don’t need to tip a whole lot, but interaction with the girls at the stages is non-existent.  My biggest complaint, though, is that there aren’t really any tables unless you sit in the bottle service area around the perimeter of the club, but I refuse to do that on principle.  On the plus side, they have the often overlooked but always appreciated beer shelves at the urinals.  Those things really should be standard at any decent club.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – This place is a little on the upscale side, but the vibe is still relatively relaxed and the crowd is good.  I probably wouldn’t come here with a large group due to the lack of tables (fuck bottle service), but it’s a solid place to hang and down a beer or two with a few buddies.  Be forewarned though, they sell cigars and allow smoking inside, so you may want to take that into consideration if you have to explain your stench to anyone.    

Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – Cheerleaders isn’t really within walking distance of most of the places that you’d want to be in Pittsburgh, but it’s not far from anything and is relatively close to the original Primanti Brothers location.  I recommend going there after the club though, because you probably won’t feel like having a girl grind on your lap for a while after pastrami, cole slaw and french-fry deliciousness.   

Overall – Cheerleaders is a nice club.  Not great, but nice.  Other than the bullshit pricing, they’re unspectacularly adequate across the board.  I probably prefer Blush overall, but if an upscale club with the most attractive dancers in the Burgh sounds like something that you’d be interested in, Cheerleaders is the place for you.

TOTAL SCORE = 52

Delilah's (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (5.5/20) – The girls mostly give some moderate friction, but having my hands moved immediately from the outsides of a girl's legs is a huge buzzkill, especially when the girls already give off a stuck up vibe.  If I can't touch your legs for $20, you won't be getting a second $20.

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – If you're into white girls, you'll have a hard time complaining at the quality of dancers at Delilah's. Basically, other than the hints of Amish inbreeding, it's as close to Spearmint Rhino quality as you'll find on the east coast.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – They've got a ton of dancers, but they lose a few points because there are often so many guys in here that it can be a challenge to get a dance.  I've only made one day-shift visit and it was dead in terms of customers and dancers, but the ratio was much more acceptable then.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – Thin, white and mostly blonde works for a lot of guys, and that's a good thing, because that what Delilah's has.

Attitude of dancers (1/10) – One girl walked up to my table and asked if I wanted a dance.  I started to say something like, "maybe in a bit, but I want to get a drink first, so check back in a while," but
the girl stormed off about half way through "maybe". Some of the other ones aren't quite as bad, but it's rare to find a girl in Delilah's who isn't full of herself.

Value (4/10) – For an upscale club that takes itself way too seriously, the prices are surprisingly reasonable, with $20 dances and$6 beers.  They do have a fairly steep cover (something like $15 on
weekends), but it's waived if you have a ticket to a sporting event or a hotel room key. That's kind of shitty for locals and is the reason that I never visited while living in the area, but it seems to be
standard at the more upscale Philly clubs. There isn't any interaction between customers and dancers at the stage, but the view is great so you can ration your money if you want to just be a spectator.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Thankfully, dances are not given on the main floor because that place can get packed. They're in a separate room that's behind a curtain and is filled with couches.  It's not at all
private, but at least the couches are reasonably comfortable.

Club Setup (4/10) – There's a long stage down middle of the club with stairs that come down to it from the Delilahs Club Level.  You have to be a member to go up there, (I have no idea what it takes to become a member, but I wasn't interested), but it's sweet how they have girls gyrating around on the stairs while other girls are on the stage. The seating isn't nearly as nice as the stage though.  There are a bunch of small tables and a few booths in raised areas along sides of club, but those are mostly reserved for bottle service, so it can be tough to find a seat on nights of big sporting events. Overall, it comes very close to having a solid setup, but you should never have to circle a club 4 times to find a seat that you're immediately tossed from because you're only drinking beer. I like beer, so they can go fuck themselves.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place is very upscale, so depending on your tastes,you might think it's either classy or stuffy. Thanks to the sights, it would be an awesome place to chill and have a few beers after a game, but the atmosphere isn't conducive to that at all. Still, it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a curious girlfriend to a place like this if you want to fool her into thinking that nothing inappropriate goes on at strip clubs.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Delilah's is along the Delaware River near Penn's Landing right across the street from Dave & Busters.  It's walkable from the Center City/South Street areas, but it will be a fairly long walk.  If you're going to do it, I'd walk over to Columbus and then walk north to the club, because you'll be bordering on some shady areas if you walk north to Spring Garden and then east to the club.

Overall – This place might be good for a bachelor party with your soon to be father in law or a business meeting, and it might even be an okay place to do some sightseeing before the night really gets started, but the attitudes and stuffiness prevent it from ever being great for anything beyond that.

Total score = 40.5

Bishop's Corner (Bridgeport, CT)

Quality of dances (17/20) – You should be pleased by the dances at Bishop's Corner as long as you're more brave than you are choosy.  The dances that I've gotten here have been very enjoyable, with all the ladies really giving it their all.  The ladies all seemed fine with me doing some tit groping, and I'm fairly certain that I'd have gotten away with some crotch grabbing too if I'd wanted to.  My sense of decency was really the only limiting factor on the contact, and one girl was completely shocked that I just wanted a dance rather than a "dance."  She didn't think I was serious at first, but once she realized that I was, here's the conversation that we had:

Dancer: "So you no want a blow job or anything?"  

Me: "No thanks. I don't pay for sex."  

Dancer: "Then why you come to Bishop's Corner?"

...And that pretty much sums up the type of place that this is.     

Disclaimer: As far as I know, it was just the individual girls that I talked to who offer extras.  I'm sure there are some girls here who don't, and I didn't see any signs that management condones those activities.  

  

Quality of dancers (1/10) – Club 418 in Springfield used to advertise that they had the biggest girls in New England, but this place could have given them a run for their money. I'm not talking about girls who haven't shed their baby fat or girls who are pleasantly plump - most of these girls are just obese.  During my second visit, there was one legitimately hot dancer working, but one hot dancer in two visits just doesn't cut it.   

Number of Dancers (3/10) – There were a decent number of girls working when I stopped by on a Friday night, but there were almost too many guys to even fit in the place, so the ratio was terrible.  On a Sunday afternoon, there were only 3 girls working, but that was plenty for the limited number of customers.  And in my defense, I don't usually visit clubs on Sunday afternoon, but I had to make an exception for this place.  I was too freaked out by the "someone's about to start shooting people" atmosphere on a Friday night to stay for a dance, but I wanted to complete this review and thought that Sunday afternoon would be the only time safe enough for me to risk it.  

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Every girl that I saw was either black or Latina (not that I mind that), and almost every one of them was oversized (yeah, I do mind that). 

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – These girls can't get by on their looks, but thankfully, most of them seem to have fairly good personalities. It was too loud and crowded for anyone to have much extended interaction with the dancers on a Friday evening, but that's not the fault of the dancers.  My only real complaint is that the girl that I mentioned above spent two entire songs trying to convince me to get a bj, and didn't seem too happy that I was shooting her down.  Not that I'm such a stud that girls just beg to blow me (well that too), but I think she started to suspect that I might be a cop and figured her only hope of not getting arrested was to convince me to go through with it.   

Value (5.5/10) – There's no cover, dances are $20, and beers are $4 each. Everything here is a decent value, but it doesn't have the bargain basement type prices that I would have expected from such a dump. I was quoted $80 for other services, but I didn't try to negotiate that and I'm sure it varies from girl to girl among those who do that stuff.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The dance area is in the back of the club off to the left hand side when you walk in.  There's a moveable wooden privacy wall that encloses a single couch in the area, so you have more than enough privacy to do as much as you and the girl are willing to do.  I wouldn't want to see the couch under a blacklight, but it actually is fairly comfortable if you can ignore the fact that some dude probably just had his bare ass on it. 

Club Setup (1/10) – This is a small club with a long but very cramped bar and a tiny stage. If you spend a few hundred bucks to add a bar to your living room, you could probably create as good of a setup for a strip club as you'll find in this place. 

Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – This is the first time that I've ever left a club before getting a dance out of fear for my car and my life. They do pat down customers, but it seems like something bad will happen here. Also, it was very smoky in here, which is less than ideal if you're a non-smoker and have to explain your smokiness to anyone.  The atmosphere actually wasn't too bad on a Sunday afternoon, but the fact that I felt the need to go on a Sunday afternoon for safety reasons should tell you all that you need to know about this place.

Club Accessibility (0/5) – This club is in a run down residential neighborhood in east Bridgeport, and since there's no parking lot, you have to find parking on the side streets. While I was there, there where homeless people wandering around checking out the cars, but at least the club does have security cameras pointing outwards and shows the video in the club so you can try to keep an eye on your car.

Overall – Unless you're looking for a whorehouse, that's no reason to go to Bishop's Corner.  Honestly, even if I was looking for a whorehouse, it just wouldn't be worth the risk to my safety to spend much time here.   Strip clubs generally aren't the safest places in the world, but there are only a few clubs where I really get the feeling that it's only a matter of time until something really bad happens, and this is one of them.  Stay safe out there.  

RAW SCORE = 41

Elan's of Danbury (Danbury, CT)

Quality of Dances (7/20) – These are your run of the mill, mediocre lap dances. The girls don't mind if you touch their legs and most of them provide some moderate friction, but I've never walked away from a dance here thinking, "that was totally worth $25."

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – I don't get to Danbury often, so my sample size is fairly small, but most of the girls that I've seen here have been surprisingly hot and all of them have been at least decent. A lot of them are in their late 20s, so you might be disappointed if you're into the barely legal types, but I'll take a hot 29 year old over a busted 22 year old anyday.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – There were well over a dozen women working in the early evening, which worked out to about a 1-to-1 dancer-to-customer ratio. The ratio was lower when I visited later at night, but there were still plenty of attractive ladies to chose from.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – I've found a nice mix of races and nationalities at Elan's, with black girls, white girls, Asian girls, American girls and Russian girls in the mix. Most customers will probably appreciate that these girls are all fairly fit, but it might not be ideal for you if you're into thick chicks or are looking for something to grab onto during a lap dance. I guess that doesn't really matter too much though since two-way contact during the dances is too limited to allow for much grabbing anyway.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes at Elan's aren't terrible, but some of the ladies seem to be a little stuck up and they don't circulate as much as they should. Plus they lose another point because one dancer cut me off in the parking lot and gave me the finger. Ladies, be on your best behavior at all times, because you never know when you're in Peter's presence.

Value (3.5/10) – No individual aspect of this club is terribly overpriced, but everything is on the high side, with $25 dances, a $10 cover after 7, $4.50 beers and a fairly mediocre stage show.

Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in the same chairs that they have elsewhere in club and there's absolutely no privacy from other dancers/dancees or anyone else in the place. The one row of chairs along the right-side wall at least faces away from most of the club, but that's still pretty bad. Making matters even worse is the fact that this whole place is way too bright, so it's even easier than it would otherwise be for any voyeurs to watch.

Club Setup (6/10) – They have a large bar with a very low stage several feet away inside, another small stage and the main stage which they only use when they're busy. That's all fine, and they do have reasonably comfortable chairs throughout the club, but the tiny tables suck if you're here with a group. Thankfully, they at least have two or three slightly better tables in the back.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The crowd is usually pretty decent and this place just generally has a solid vibe. It's not at all threatening and is definitely somewhere that I'd consider hosting a bachelor party if any members of the bride-to-be's family were going to be in attendance.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Elan's of Danbury is, unsurprisingly, not far from Danbury, but it's not particularly close to anything else of note. I don't think there's any type of mass transit in the area, so you'll need to drive to get here, but at least they do have more than enough parking if you can manage to steer around the crazy angry strippers in the lot.

Overall – This place is better than I expected, but it's a little on the upscale side for my tastes. The atmosphere makes it perfect for business meetings or outings with the girlfriend, but the mediocre dances and the lack of privacy mean that degenerates like me would be better off saving the cash for a shadier club.

TOTAL SCORE = 47.5

Key Club Cabaret (New Haven, CT)

Note: The Key Club Cabaret was previously the Crazy Horse, but had to change their name due to a trademark dispute with the Vegas Crazy Horse.  Previously, this was Stage Door Johnny's/Back Stage Johnny's.  

Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls being fairly tame and some girls making a solid attempt to get the job done. Still, even most of the more tame girls have a few moves to make a dance worthwhile.  Also, the dances here are usually nude if you stick around for multiple songs, though that's not a huge plus in my book due to the risk of having to get my dress pants dry-cleaned.  A few girls have indicated that extras are available in the VIP area, but I haven't had $100+ to see if they're true to their word.

Quality of Dancers (5/10) – If you haven't been here since it was Johnny's, you should be pleased, because the quality has gone up significantly under new ownership.  It's still rare to see any girls that I'd rate above an 8 and there are a few who are way past their sell-by date, but the majority of girls are now in the 5-7 range.  Normally that would be worth around a 6, but I had to knock them down a point for having two "girls" that I'm fairly certain are post-op trannies.  Maybe they're just strong-jawed ladies, but in either case, why would a club hire dancers who even beg that question?    

Number of Dancers (6/10) – In the early evenings, there aren't usually a whole lot of dancers or customers.  The lack of customers means that you'll have your pick of the litter, but the lack of dancers means that you still might not have much quality to chose from.  Later in the evening, the number of dancers goes up much quicker than the number of customers, so there might be 2 dancers for every customer if you get here at the right time, and even if you don't, you shouldn't have a hard time getting a girl's attention for a dance. The only time that I've had a real problem was on a Sunday afternoon when there were no dancers, but the manager bought a few rounds of drinks for everyone who was there and the bartendress stepped up to offer lap dances. It still wasn't ideal, but I admire a club that at least makes the effort to make up for its shortcomings.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – The Key Club has a mix of black and white dancers and they've got more than enough size variation, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame.  For whatever reason, the black girls here were usually somewhat hotter than the white ones when this was Johnny's, but that trend seems to be slowly reversing recently.

Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – On multiple occasions, girls have been happy to show me around the club including the VIP dance area even without me asking, and most of them are friendly whether they're on stage or just sitting around bullshitting with customers.  This seems like the type of place where's you'd run into some strung out girls, but that hasn't been my experience at all.  I did once have to help a girl stay on her chair because she was falling down drunk, but otherwise, these girls seem to be fairly well put together.

Value (3/10) – There's a $10 cover after 6pm that gets you into both clubs and the $5 beers, $25 dances and moderate stage value are all ok, but there are much better values to be found elsewhere in Connecticut.  I love lap dances, and these ones are pretty solid, but I have a hard time ever justifying more than one or two when they cost more than $20 each.  Thankfully, some of the girls drop the price to $20 per dance after the first one since the club isn't taking a cut of that extra cash, so you should always ask about that before you agree to a dance if you're considering staying for multiple songs.    

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance booths from Johnny's are gone, so even though the dance area is classier now, it's not nearly as private.  Still, it isn't terrible since there are two separate bench areas on the nude side of the club, and you can't see those areas unless you're in them.  The ladies make sure to take you to the second bench area if there's already a guy in the first one, so you get an area to yourself as long as only one or two customers are getting dances at a time.  Any more than that though, and it gets cramped and loses all privacy really quickly.  If you're willing to drop the cash for the VIP dances, you'll go around the corner to a row of decent sized individual rooms with a large comfy couch in each.  They don't have doors on the booths, but no one will see you unless they're going for a private dance, so it's still pretty solid if you're looking to get a little intimate.  

Club Setup (4/10) – The new owners have put a lot of money into this place and it's certainly a huge improvement over the way it was before, but something is still missing.  The topless side has a long bar that fills up quickly, a long bench style couch along the far side wall, and a large stage. The stage is reasonably nice overall, but it has one annoying flaw - it doesn't have a lower shelf or ledge where you can sit your drink, so you're choices are to awkwardly hold your beverage or to sit it right on the stage. Not a huge problem, but who knew they even make stages without a place to sit drinks? The nude side doesn't really seem to be a popular place to hang out, but it also has a decent stage with some chairs around it.  I think the topless side needs some tables and booths to make it better for groups, because I really can't see coming here with more than one or two other guys.  

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The setup has become more upscale, but the old dive bar atmosphere still shows through.  I imagine that it will eventually be fairly nice, but for now, it's kind of in that awkward zone where it's too classy to be a dive but too shitty to be classy.  I could also see it getting rougher later at night, but the crowd has always been alright while I've been there.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The Key Club is very close to I-91, isn't too far from I-95, and is within walking distance of some of the best pizza in the U.S. over on Wooster Street.  If you're from the area, I'm sure that you already have your preference and I know better than to try to change your mind, but if you're just passing through, I'd have to recommend Frank Pepe's if you're interested in toppings and Sally's if you're going for plain cheese.  You can't go wrong either way though.  

Overall – The Key Club is already the best club, by far, in New Haven.  It may not be great, but the dances are very good and everything else is solid if you can overlook the varied quality of dancers.  I'm guessing that the dancer quality will go up over time, but for now, that prevents me from adding it to my Connecticut rotation.  Overall, it's about on par with Keepers in Milford, and even though I'd still probably chose Centerfolds in Berlin over the Key Club, the Key Club has become a very reasonable option if you're in New Haven and time is limited.

TOTAL SCORE = 51