Visions (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (16/20) – You’ll get an excellent grind, some over the pants hand action and possibly even some teasing with the mouth, and two way contact is standard.  Pretty much all of the ladies tolerate some tit groping, and most of them even encourage it.  If you’re looking for more than that, I was quoted $175 for 20 minutes in the “party room.”  No one was explicit about what goes on in the party room, but I was told that “what happens in there stays in there” and that the fee is good for “anything but sex,” whatever that means.

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – There may be a few 8s and 9s, but this is mostly a 6 and 7 type of place.  Still, despite the presence of a few post-pregnancy bellies, I didn’t see anyone bad and was generally pleased with the quality.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They usually have about 3 dancers on stage at a time and there are several girls working the crowd, but it’s more of a place for locals, so I wouldn’t expect quick attention if you aren’t one.  

Variety of Dancers (3.5/5) – I’ve seen a good mix of thick and thin black and white girls, but there don’t seem to be many, if any, Asians or Latinas in here.

Attitudes (8/10) – The ladies here are chatty, very low pressure, and basically the opposite of what you’d find on Bourbon Street.  One girl gave me an unsolicited tour of the club, another alerted me when I unknowingly dropped a few dollars on the floor, and pretty much all of them wait for a new song before starting a dance.  The girls do go from one person to the next while on stage and expect a tip, but it’s much better than the usual tip walk since they stop and shake it for a buck.    

Value (8/10) – There’s an $8 cover at night ($4 during the day), but you get a free drink ticket with that, so it’s really like a $4 cover at night and free during the day.  Beers are $4, mixed drinks are $6, and dances are $20 or $30, depending on where you want it, which is very reasonable since they play fairly long songs.

Club Setup (3/10) – This is not a classy club, but it’s a decent setup if you’re just looking for a place to down some beers and watch some girls.  There’s a huge “M” shaped stage that fills most of the room, attached stools around the bar (but slightly too far away from it), and really nowhere else to sit, though you can play pool in the back.  They do have some TVs, but they’re too small and/or too far from the people who can see them for anyone to really bother watching. 

Dance Setup (7/10) – For $20, you can sit on a shitty, uncomfortable bench that lines the brightly lit communal room.  The three corner seats are poor, but everywhere else is unacceptable.  Still, I’ll give them a decent score here since you can upgrade for just $10 more to your own room.  The rooms have open doors, but they’re angled in a way that makes them pretty solid, especially if you get one of the two in the back.   

Atmosphere (7/10) – You shouldn’t bring a girlfriend or a business partner here, but I really liked the atmosphere in a total dive bar strip club sort of way.  There’s a good mix of music, a decent crowd, friendly male bartenders and they’ve got the least pushy shot girl ever.  She barely even slowed down as she walked by and halfheartedly said, “shot?”  This is definitely a place that I’d hang out for a while.  

Location (3/5) – The location is the only real drawback of Visions since you’re not going to be walking here from anywhere that you’re likely to be staying if you’re from out of town.  It’s about a $20 fifteen minute cab ride from the French Quarter, which is a bit of a pain in the ass, but you can more than make up that lost money by getting one drink and two dances here that you’d have otherwise gotten on Bourbon Street. 

Overall – Visions is everything that a shithole dive bar strip club should be.  It is, by far, my favorite club in New Orleans.

RAW SCORE = 67.5

Barely Legal (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (11/20) – The dances here are similar to what you’ll find at the Hustler Club down the street – some light grinding with varying degrees of two way contact.  I wouldn’t come here expecting amazing dances, but they certainly aren’t bad enough to keep me away.

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – There are a few really hot girls here, but for the most part they’re decent but unspectacular.  Mostly in the 6-7 range.  And if you’re expecting to see lots of “barely legal” girls, you’re going to be disappointed – they seem to be about the same age as the girls at all of the other clubs, for better or worse. 

Number of Dancers (5/10) – While I was there on a Sunday night during Jazz Fest, they had one girl on stage and a few girls working the crowd.  It wasn’t enough, but it wasn’t too bad.  

Variety of Dancers (4/5) – Most of the ladies that I saw were relatively thin, but it’s hard to complain when there are attractive black, white and Asian dancers working at the same time.

Attitudes (5.5/10) – You aren’t going to find a hustle-free club on Bourbon Street and Barely Legal is no exception, but the attitudes here are above average for the area.  Some girls still give a high pressure VIP sales pitch, but most are happy to sit and chat for a bit as long as you spend some money eventually.

Value (6/10) – You should be able to find free admission passes somewhere in the area (I grabbed one off the ground in front of the club), but the usual cover is somewhere around $3-5 with an additional $10 charge if you want to go to the VIP floor where you’ll have access to the balcony over Bourbon Street.  Beer prices vary on different nights, but should be between $3-6 each, and I got a redbull with a double shot of whiskey for $7.50, which isn’t bad at all.  The stage show is above average and dances are a decent value at $30 each since they run frequent two-for-ones, so this is a bargain as far as French Quarter strip clubs go even though it isn’t super cheap.  

Club Setup (8.5/10) – Barely Legal is a very nice club.  There’s a decent center stage with 2 poles and seats surrounding it, lots of small tables with rolly chairs throughout the club, a decent bar in the back, and a sweet VIP area upstairs where you can go out on a balcony over Bourbon Street and throw beads at the passing ladies.  Unfortunately, the only street nudity that I saw was an old dude hanging dong, but it definitely has potential.  Also, I wasn’t there at the right time of year, but there’s a courtyard with a swimming pool that opens up in the summer that I need to get back to experience.

Dance Setup (7/10) – Dances are given in booths with timers like at the Bourbon Street Hustler and many other Déjà Vu clubs.  Some of the booths are very private and others are only moderately so, but they all operate the same way: the girl takes your $30 and feeds it into the machine, which then starts counting down your time until the light changes from green to red and your dance ends.  Some people think it’s a bit of a buzzkill, but I like knowing that I’m going to get the amount of dance time that I paid for in a city like New Orleans, where I’m likely to be so drunk that there’s no possibility of me accurately counting dances. If you want to upgrade to the VIP rooms, they have frosted doors and look very private, but I’m not sure what to read into the bouncer’s comment that “they’re monitored, but anything goes as long as it’s consensual and legal.”   

Atmosphere (6.5/10) – The music is solid, there are a surprisingly large number of female customers for a place as creepily named as “Barely Legal,” and it’s generally an all around good time. 

Location (5/5) – You won’t find a better location for a strip club than right in the heart of Bourbon Street. 

Overall – Barely Legal is one of my three favorite French Quarter strip clubs (along with Hustler and the slightly superior Penthouse Club), but it’s not quite as good as my overall score would lead you to believe.  As I noted with regards to Hustler, Barely Legal manages to get a very high overall score by being solid across the board, but they don’t excel in any one area.  Still, as long as you’re going in with reasonable expectations for a tourist area strip club, you should have a good time here. 

RAW SCORE = 65

Penthouse (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (11.5/20) – The dances at Penthouse are slightly better than what you’ll find at most of the Bourbon Street joints.  There’s two-way contact, hands on the tits is generally ok, and most of the girls provide a little bit of a grind.  It’s nothing too crazy, but it’s enough to make these dances at least somewhat enjoyable.

Quality of Dancers (9/10) – The quality of ladies at Penthouse is as good or better than anywhere else in New Orleans.  They’re hot, most of them have natural breasts, and, unlike at many of the New Orleans clubs, the white ladies are just as hot as the sisters.  

Number of Dancers (7.5/10) – There were two girls on stage and several working the crowd during my visit.  Getting a girl’s attention was never a problem.

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of these ladies are white and relatively thin, but they do at least have a few black dancers and a mix of blondes and brunettes.

Attitudes (6.5/10) – There’s some hustle here, but it’s not over the top and is certainly not as bad as at most of the Bourbon Street clubs.  Of course they don’t really care why you’re in New Orleans, but they’re good at making you think that they do, and that’s all you can really ask for.   

Value (2/10) – The $11 cover isn’t too bad, but $7.25 beers, $20 table dances and $40 real dances are all pretty rough. 

Club Setup (8/10) – This is a classy and relatively spacious club.  There are two small stages, some stage side rolly chairs, and a bunch of small high top tables. The main bar is fairly nice and is off to the side, and there’s another bar in the back with a built in stage. There aren’t really enough chairs for weekend nights when it can get packed, but the setup is still pretty good overall.    

Dance Setup (3/10) – If you get a dance upstairs, it will be in a booth with decently wide walls on the side.  The bouncer checks on you periodically, but no one else has a great view of what you’re up to unless they happen to be walking by.

Atmosphere (8/10) – There’s a good party atmosphere at Penthouse, and it’s generally my favorite place in the area to hang out.  Whether you’re flying solo or with a group of guys, this place should be a good time.

Location (5/5) – Penthouse is right around the corner from Bourbon Street, so you should be staying nearby and you’ve got a ton of other strip clubs and bars to chose from within walking distance.   

Overall – Penthouse is my favorite club in the French Quarter.  The girls are hot, the dances are decent and the atmosphere is solid, and that’s pretty much all I can ask for.   

RAW SCORE = 62

Rick's Cabaret (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (3/20) – These are supposedly “no contact” dances, and even though that’s not entirely true, customers will not be touching dancers at all and there is absolutely no grinding.  The only reason to get a dance is to get a closer look at the dancers, but you can do that for much cheaper at the stage. 

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – The girls here aren’t exactly my type, but I suspect that they will be for many of you.  You’re not going to find enhanced, thin, white girls who look much better than this. 

Number of Dancers (4/10) – They had one girl on the main stage, one girl working the crowd and one girl on the back stage for most of my visit.  It was 2am on a Sunday so I’ll cut them some slack, but it was during Jazz Fest, so I’d hoped for more. 

Variety of Dancers (0.5/5) –  I saw a few hot brunettes among the largely blond workforce, but you aren’t going to be pleased unless you like thin white girls.

Attitudes (3/10) – These ladies are all about the cash and they don’t make much of an effort to disguise that fact.  Of course, I’d be all about the cash too if I was dealing with suckers like the wannabe high rollers who spend time here.    

Value (1/10) – The $10 cover isn’t too bad, but the $8 Miller Lite (with no offer for change on the $10 that I handed to the waitress), the $20 table dances, and the $60 “semi-private” dances on the main floor are ridiculous. 

Club Setup (6.5/10) – This is a classy, moderate sized place with exposed brick walls that somehow make it look more like an above average comedy club than a strip joint.  There’s a decent main stage in the main area where there’s a long stand-up bar and several small tables with rolly chairs, there’s another small stage in the back, and there’s a VIP area behind the main stage.  That area has a nice bar and a bunch of tables, but it takes up way too much of the limited floor space in this club. 

Dance Setup (0/10) – The $20 dances are given at your table with absolutely no privacy.  The “semi-private” dance setup is better, but I’m not giving them any credit for that because fuck a $60 dance.

Atmosphere (7/10) – The music and lighting are both solid, so this place could work for a good time with the right group of guys.  And if you’ve got a girlfriend who has never been to a strip club but wants to feel like she did something crazy in New Orleans, this place is sufficiently non-threatening that it could be perfect. 

Location (5/5) – You’ll never find a better location for a strip club than Bourbon Street.  If you stop by and aren’t impressed, there are always a dozen other clubs within walking distance. 

Overall – An overpriced club with worthless lap dances and skinny white chicks has little appeal to me, so I won’t be back.

RAW SCORE = 38.5

Cheerleaders (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (3/20) – Some girls will grind a little and hands on the hips is generally fine, but these are bikini dances, so that pretty much makes them a waste of time and money as far as I’m concerned.  Plus I even overheard one dancer telling another customer to keep his legs together during the dance, which means that it’s not even really a lap dance.  But if bikini clad outer leg dances are your thing, you’re in luck!

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Most of the girls are 7s or 8s, but it’s a bikini bar, so you’re seeing less of them than you normally would in a strip club.  The score would probably be bumped up about a point if the ladies were topless, but they were still a little synthetic for my tastes, and some of the ladies were downright frightening. It’s not that they were ugly, but they just looked like the strippers from Dusk ‘Till Dawn about halfway through the transformation into vampires.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – There were two girls on stage at a time in the early evening after a Phillies game, and somewhere around two dozen ladies in the building.  I wish there had been less because the tip walk is brutal, but you should at least never have a shortage of ladies.

Variety of Dancers (2/5) – There were a few black dancers during my visit, but most of the ladies were white and thin. 

Attitudes (5.5/10) – For the most part, these girls are friendly and happy to chat a little, and most of them don’t ask for tips after dances.  Unfortunately, this club operates on the tip walk system, so the girls are forced to walk around asking everyone for a dollar, and no dancer in history has managed to appear to have a great attitude while she’s doing that.      

Value (3.5/10) – Miller Lites are $6, the cover is $10, dances are $20 (but you shouldn’t bother with them anyway) and no one seems to tip for the stage show except during the tip walk, so it’s possible to go here without spending too much cash. The champagne rooms seem to be overpriced at $160 for 15 minutes or $600 for an hour, but I’ve never tried them out so I can’t say for sure. I would hope that you’d at least get to see some nudity, but I suspect that you don’t. 

Club Setup (4.5/10) – This is a clean enough club, but I hate the design.  The dozen TVs are nice and everyone has a good view of the long main stage, but the rectangular bar takes up almost all of the space in the club and the stage is several feet away in the interior of the bar.  It prevents any interaction between customers and dancers who are on stage and necessitates the aforementioned dreaded tip walk.

Dance Setup (4.5/10) – Dances are given in a separate room from the main area of the club on several small individual bench/booth hybrids.  There are small dividers between the benches and most of them are angled to face away from each other, so it’s at least somewhat private if the club isn’t too busy.  Unfortunately, anyone who is walking by will have a clear view of you without warning, so no one will be pushing the limits in here (and by “pushing the limits,” I mean doing something crazy like showing tits in a strip club).     

Atmosphere (5/10) – The smoke takes some time to get used to (they sell cigars and cigarettes and allow customers to smoke), but the atmosphere is fairly good overall.  It’s laid back and is a decent place to down a beer while looking at slightly more flesh that you’d see at Hooters. 

Location (3.5/5) – Cheerleaders isn’t too far from the stadiums or Center City, and it’s right down the street from the slightly overrated but still delicious Tony Luke’s.   

Overall – As far as bikini bars go, I guess Cheerleaders is pretty good, but I need at least some nudity in my strip clubs so I won’t be back.    

RAW SCORE = 45