Cheerleaders (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (3/20) – Some girls will grind a little and hands on the hips is generally fine, but these are bikini dances, so that pretty much makes them a waste of time and money as far as I’m concerned.  Plus I even overheard one dancer telling another customer to keep his legs together during the dance, which means that it’s not even really a lap dance.  But if bikini clad outer leg dances are your thing, you’re in luck!

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Most of the girls are 7s or 8s, but it’s a bikini bar, so you’re seeing less of them than you normally would in a strip club.  The score would probably be bumped up about a point if the ladies were topless, but they were still a little synthetic for my tastes, and some of the ladies were downright frightening. It’s not that they were ugly, but they just looked like the strippers from Dusk ‘Till Dawn about halfway through the transformation into vampires.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – There were two girls on stage at a time in the early evening after a Phillies game, and somewhere around two dozen ladies in the building.  I wish there had been less because the tip walk is brutal, but you should at least never have a shortage of ladies.

Variety of Dancers (2/5) – There were a few black dancers during my visit, but most of the ladies were white and thin. 

Attitudes (5.5/10) – For the most part, these girls are friendly and happy to chat a little, and most of them don’t ask for tips after dances.  Unfortunately, this club operates on the tip walk system, so the girls are forced to walk around asking everyone for a dollar, and no dancer in history has managed to appear to have a great attitude while she’s doing that.      

Value (3.5/10) – Miller Lites are $6, the cover is $10, dances are $20 (but you shouldn’t bother with them anyway) and no one seems to tip for the stage show except during the tip walk, so it’s possible to go here without spending too much cash. The champagne rooms seem to be overpriced at $160 for 15 minutes or $600 for an hour, but I’ve never tried them out so I can’t say for sure. I would hope that you’d at least get to see some nudity, but I suspect that you don’t. 

Club Setup (4.5/10) – This is a clean enough club, but I hate the design.  The dozen TVs are nice and everyone has a good view of the long main stage, but the rectangular bar takes up almost all of the space in the club and the stage is several feet away in the interior of the bar.  It prevents any interaction between customers and dancers who are on stage and necessitates the aforementioned dreaded tip walk.

Dance Setup (4.5/10) – Dances are given in a separate room from the main area of the club on several small individual bench/booth hybrids.  There are small dividers between the benches and most of them are angled to face away from each other, so it’s at least somewhat private if the club isn’t too busy.  Unfortunately, anyone who is walking by will have a clear view of you without warning, so no one will be pushing the limits in here (and by “pushing the limits,” I mean doing something crazy like showing tits in a strip club).     

Atmosphere (5/10) – The smoke takes some time to get used to (they sell cigars and cigarettes and allow customers to smoke), but the atmosphere is fairly good overall.  It’s laid back and is a decent place to down a beer while looking at slightly more flesh that you’d see at Hooters. 

Location (3.5/5) – Cheerleaders isn’t too far from the stadiums or Center City, and it’s right down the street from the slightly overrated but still delicious Tony Luke’s.   

Overall – As far as bikini bars go, I guess Cheerleaders is pretty good, but I need at least some nudity in my strip clubs so I won’t be back.    

RAW SCORE = 45

Jumbo's Clown Room (Los Angeles, CA)

Quality of Dances (1/20) – The girls rub up against you a fair amount, but all that you really need to know is that the clothes stay on and your hands have to stay at your sides.  The bottom line is that these dances are a waste of time and money, though the classic rock that’s frequently playing does at least mean that you’ll get a fairly long stretch of clothed awkwardness for your $20.  

  

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – Maybe the knowledge that Courtney Love was a dancer here lowered my expectations too much, but I was actually impressed by the ladies that were working.  There were one or two young ones and one or two who were probably in their 40’s, but most of them were fit girls in their mid to late 20s with real tits.  Unfortunately, I have no idea how they looked with their clothes off, because I never saw any of their wearing less than a bra and thong.  I don’t know whether they ever strip down to less than that or not, but they didn’t while I was there.  

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Jumbo’s had a dozen girls working the evening shift and about half that during the day, which isn’t too bad since the place is tiny and since you shouldn’t be looking for a girl for a lap dance anyway.   

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – There’s some age variation and about an equal number of blondes and brunettes, but if white ladies aren’t your thing, you’ll probably want to go elsewhere. 

Attitudes (7/10) – They’re are all happy to sit and chat and seem to enjoy joking around with customers and with each other. For the most part, I got the impression that these ladies really do work here because they enjoy it rather than because they feel like they need to, and the positive vibes are noticeable.       

Value (4/10) – The lack of a cover charge is a good deal, $5 beers aren’t bad and $20 dances would usually be acceptable, but I need better bargains than that to consider it to be a good value in a bikini club.  Plus the stage show is pretty lame even if you can ignore the fact that the ladies are wearing as much clothing as the average beach-goer, and tipping at the stage doesn’t seem to get them to step their game up.  Regardless of what you do, they just do their thing… which isn’t much.

Club Setup (2/10) – Jumbo’s is the smallest club that I’ve ever been to.  There’s a bar in the back of the club, several seats at the medium sized stage, five small round tables and a few stools by a tall bench, but even with the mirrored wall to make things seem bigger than they really are, this place still feels tiny. 

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There’s only one seat for lap dances and the a light above it  shines on you like a spotlight. There’s a divider between the lap dance seat and the bench beside it, but it doesn’t really block anyone’s view.  Though I guess no one will be catching you in a compromising position anyway.

Atmosphere (8/10) – If there’s any reason to visit Jumbo’s, it’s the atmosphere.  They play lots of solid classic rock, there’s little to no hustle, and it’s so non-threatening that the Zagat raters got to it before I did, so it’s the perfect place to take a girlfriend or a buddy who doesn’t normally visit strip clubs.

Location (5/5) – The club is in Thai Town in East Hollywood and is only about half a block from the Anthony Bourdain-recommended Sapp Coffee Shop.  If you’re getting dinner in the area anyway, and I’m glad that I did, the location could not possibly be more convenient. 

Overall – It doesn't work as a strip club, but that isn't necessarily what Jumbo's is going for anyway.  If you enjoy bikini clubs, you'll probably like it because it does have a good atmosphere and relatively attractive, friendly dancers.  

RAW SCORE = 37.5

Satin Dolls (Lodi, NJ)

Quality of Dances (5/20) – The grinding can be very nice, but there are two things that prevent this score from being any higher: 1) other than a little hand-to-leg touching, the contact goes only in one direction; and, 2) the bikinis stay on.  As if I needed something else to hate about New Jersey, the no nudity in a club that serves alcohol rule is brutal.

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – I’ve been told that the quality can be seriously lacking when the club is slow, but it’s been amazing during my late night visits.  They’ve almost all be young, fresh and in good shape.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – Like the dancer quality, I’ve heard that the number of dancers can vary wildly, but there have been more than enough girls working every time I’ve been there.  In addition to the two girls on the stage, there have been several girls doing the tip walk and several more working the crowd. 

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – There are a ton of Russians on the evening shift, and everyone else is white or Italian, or possibly Latinas who could pass for Italians.  I really couldn’t tell but then again, I’ve perfected judging topless women and these bikinis threw me off my game. 

Attitudes (1/10) – Dancer: “ Wannadance?” Me: “No thanks.” Dancer: “Wanna give me a tip?”  And repeat, over and over and over again from every Russian in the building.  The only extended interaction that I witnessed was a girl talking about how bad one customer smelled.  That wouldn’t be too unusual, except that she was talking to him about it.  And by “talking,” I mean saying things like, “you’re making me sick.”  In her defense, he did smell like he’d just bathed in gasoline, but that’s still shockingly bad customer service. 

Value (4/10) – The pole work is fairly impressive, but I’ve seen much better acrobatics at Cirque de Soleil.  You might think that’s an unfair comparison, but since these ladies wear just as much clothing as the circus performers, I think it’s justified.  Similarly, the $5 beers are decent for a strip club but not so good for a tittiless establishment.  And this place is tittiless.

Club Setup (3/10) – If you’re a Sopranos fan, you already know how the club is designed because this is where all of the Bada Bing scenes were filmed.  There’s a pool table off to the side, but the main area is a decent sized high ceilinged room that’s mostly filled by the large square bar.  There’s a stage a few feet away from customers in the middle of the bar, so you’ll have to ball up your ones and throw them if you want to tip during the dance.  If not, don’t worry, you’ll still get your chance to fork over some cash during the constant tip walks. 

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – You can’t see the dance area from the main club area, but that’s the only good thing that I have to say about it.  It’s a long narrow corral that’s lined on both sides with rolly chairs, so you’ll be staring right at another guy when it’s busy. 

Atmosphere (5.5/10) – Despite the constant interruptions from the tip walk crew, this is a fairly fun place to hang out.  There’s a party vibe in the evenings and crowd is decent, so it’s not a bad option if you want the Hooters experience without having to pay for shitty chicken wings.  

Location (3.5/5) – You can see Satin Dolls from I-80,  but there’s really no easy way to get there.  The entrance is off of Route 17S and it’s a real pain in the ass to get to if you drive past, so slow down and start looking to your right after you pass under I-80.  Once you get there, though, there is at least plenty of parking. 

Overall – If this place were topless, I’d say that it’s worth a visit as long as you’re capable of fighting off the Russian hustle.  The girls are hot, the beers are reasonably price, the vibe is good and the dances are decent, but the bikinis really kill it for me.  I’ll reluctantly stumble to a bikini bar during a drunken night out in Atlantic City, but I’m not navigating the maze of highways in northern Jersey to get to this place.  It might be worth a visit if you’re a die hard Sopranos fan, but, otherwise, save your cash or drive the 10 minutes to a state where you can enjoy some partial nudity with your beer. 

RAW SCORE = 39