Cheerleaders (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (3/20) – Some girls will grind a little and hands on the hips is generally fine, but these are bikini dances, so that pretty much makes them a waste of time and money as far as I’m concerned.  Plus I even overheard one dancer telling another customer to keep his legs together during the dance, which means that it’s not even really a lap dance.  But if bikini clad outer leg dances are your thing, you’re in luck!

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Most of the girls are 7s or 8s, but it’s a bikini bar, so you’re seeing less of them than you normally would in a strip club.  The score would probably be bumped up about a point if the ladies were topless, but they were still a little synthetic for my tastes, and some of the ladies were downright frightening. It’s not that they were ugly, but they just looked like the strippers from Dusk ‘Till Dawn about halfway through the transformation into vampires.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – There were two girls on stage at a time in the early evening after a Phillies game, and somewhere around two dozen ladies in the building.  I wish there had been less because the tip walk is brutal, but you should at least never have a shortage of ladies.

Variety of Dancers (2/5) – There were a few black dancers during my visit, but most of the ladies were white and thin. 

Attitudes (5.5/10) – For the most part, these girls are friendly and happy to chat a little, and most of them don’t ask for tips after dances.  Unfortunately, this club operates on the tip walk system, so the girls are forced to walk around asking everyone for a dollar, and no dancer in history has managed to appear to have a great attitude while she’s doing that.      

Value (3.5/10) – Miller Lites are $6, the cover is $10, dances are $20 (but you shouldn’t bother with them anyway) and no one seems to tip for the stage show except during the tip walk, so it’s possible to go here without spending too much cash. The champagne rooms seem to be overpriced at $160 for 15 minutes or $600 for an hour, but I’ve never tried them out so I can’t say for sure. I would hope that you’d at least get to see some nudity, but I suspect that you don’t. 

Club Setup (4.5/10) – This is a clean enough club, but I hate the design.  The dozen TVs are nice and everyone has a good view of the long main stage, but the rectangular bar takes up almost all of the space in the club and the stage is several feet away in the interior of the bar.  It prevents any interaction between customers and dancers who are on stage and necessitates the aforementioned dreaded tip walk.

Dance Setup (4.5/10) – Dances are given in a separate room from the main area of the club on several small individual bench/booth hybrids.  There are small dividers between the benches and most of them are angled to face away from each other, so it’s at least somewhat private if the club isn’t too busy.  Unfortunately, anyone who is walking by will have a clear view of you without warning, so no one will be pushing the limits in here (and by “pushing the limits,” I mean doing something crazy like showing tits in a strip club).     

Atmosphere (5/10) – The smoke takes some time to get used to (they sell cigars and cigarettes and allow customers to smoke), but the atmosphere is fairly good overall.  It’s laid back and is a decent place to down a beer while looking at slightly more flesh that you’d see at Hooters. 

Location (3.5/5) – Cheerleaders isn’t too far from the stadiums or Center City, and it’s right down the street from the slightly overrated but still delicious Tony Luke’s.   

Overall – As far as bikini bars go, I guess Cheerleaders is pretty good, but I need at least some nudity in my strip clubs so I won’t be back.    

RAW SCORE = 45

Oasis (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (12/20) – These are fairly good dances, with a decent grind, some over the pants contact, and plenty of tit grabbing encouragement.  Plus several of the girls were intent on kissing my nipples.  That isn’t really my thing, but I guess it’s good to know that it’s available for those who want it.  I’m worried that this score might be too high because it looked like everyone else was getting a fairly mediocre experience, but whether I got lucky or chose well or was just irresistible to the ladies, at least you know it is possible to have a good time here.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – A few of the girls were a little sloppy, but most of them were decent and a few were stunning.  The black dancers and blondes, in particular, were gorgeous, especially considering that the bright lighting exposes any flaws that are present.   

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They have two girls on stage at a time during prime time, but there usually aren’t a whole lot of girls working the crowd.  It’s sufficient, but just barely.

Variety of Dancers (3.5/5) – Most of the girls are white, but there have been some stunning black dancers working during each of my visits, and I’ve always found good size variation. 

Attitudes (1.5/10) – Like at many of the Philly clubs, the tip walk is brutal at Oasis.  I understand why they need to do it since tipping at the stage is difficult if not impossible, but the way that they stand and stare until you tip even if you’re deep in conversation is a little over the top.  One girl even stood behind the bartender and waited until I’d placed my initial drink order before informing me that she’d just gotten off stage before I’d walked in so I should give her a tip.  Seriously?  Even putting aside the tip walk, these girls left a lot to be desired.  Most seemed angry, all asked for tips, and one was intolerable with trying to sell multiple dances by repeating “so you’re just buying 1?” until I agreed to buy a second dance, then repeating “so you’re just buying 2?” until I got up in the middle of the second dance and left.   

Value (7/10) – The $10 cover isn’t too bad and it’s free if you have tickets to a local sporting event, and beers are very reasonable with 2-for-$6 Miller Light specials at times ($5 each otherwise). The $20 dances are a decent value too, the stage action is pretty mediocre, but, even though the constantly approaching tip walkers hurt the value, the fact that the ladies take the tips in their cleavage at least gives you a little something for your money.  

Club Setup (4/10) – Almost all of the seats in here are at the huge bar, and you’ll be looking at the girls on the stages about five feet away from you inside the bar.  Thankfully, there are also a few tables along the other walls and some couches in a raised area that allow you to avoid the tip walk, and there’s also a small stage along the back wall, though I’ve never seen anyone dancing on it.  Overall, this is a clean enough club, but the fact that it’s a little worn is only made more evident by the ridiculously bright lighting and over the top black lights.  There are lots of TVs and a few big screens, so it could be a decent place to watch a game, but don’t wear your white Phillies jersey in here unless you feel like glowing. 

Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in a separate room in the back, and there are several benches with small but adequate dividers between you and anyone else who’s getting a dance.  People who are walking by can see everything and half of the benches have no privacy at all, but no one faces the three benches in the back so they’re fairly private.  If you pick a good dancer, you’ll almost certainly get one of the good benches, and if you don’t, the dance will be so lame that you won’t really care about privacy anyway. 

Atmosphere (4/10) – The tip walk detracts from what should otherwise be a fairly decent atmosphere for hanging out for a while after a game or before a flight.  The crowd is very mixed, with lots of business travelers who are staying nearby at the airport, plenty of partiers, and a few slightly rougher characters.  

Location (3/5) – Oasis is southwest of downtown Philadelphia, but isn’t too far of a drive, and is easily taxiable from the airport.  You aren’t going to be walking to get there, but there are at least options if you get too drunk to drive home. 

Overall – Oasis isn’t a great club, but it’s among the best in Philadelphia, and it may be your best option if you’re looking for decent dances from attractive dancers and are hoping to save a few bucks compared to a visit to the Penthouse Club. 

RAW SCORE = 52.5

Show N Tel (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (15/20) – The lap dances at Show & Tel are pretty good.  You’re assured to get a reasonably aggressive grind and two-way contact is encouraged during the regular dances, but things are a little more unique during the private shows.  Some girls implied that extras were available, but given the fact that the private rooms have cameras and are brightly lit, it seems like it would be a poor idea to try to get those services.  Knowing that I could be filmed was enough to dissuade me from even the standard private dance options.  I don’t remember exactly what all of the choices were, but the “bump and grind show” was the most unusual.  Basically, you and the girl both strip down to your underwear, you put on a condom, and you grind on each other until you come.  That would have probably sounded much cooler when I was a teenager, but it doesn’t have much appeal to my adult self.  Either way, I’m not one to complain about options.

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – I’ve always found at least one or two true beauties working at Show & Tel, but I’ve also always found a few ladies who would rate closer to a 1 or a 2 on a 10 point scale, so saying that quality control is low is an understatement.  Still, there are plenty of midrange girls and have always been a sufficient number of attractive ladies to allow me to get some dances during my weekend visits.  I haven’t been there during the week, so it’s possible that things are rougher during the slow nights, but overall, the workforce seems to be adequate but unspectacular. 

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They usually have two girls dancing on the over-21 stage and one girl dancing on the under-21 stage at all times, and several more girls will be working the crowd.  The place can get so packed that it can be difficult to get a girl for a dance, but you should be able to if you either lower your standards or don’t mind waiting for one of the attractive dancers. 

Variety of Dancers (4/5) – There’s a nice mix of implants and natural tits and thick and thin dancers, and there’s sufficient racial diversity as long as you aren’t set on finding any ebony beauties.  They do have some black dancers, but they’ve mostly been a little sloppy.  I have seen at least a few attractive white, Asian, Indian and Latina dancers working though.

Attitudes (4/10) – A lot of the Philly clubs have the dreaded tip walk, but it’s minimal here and the girls really work to make the dollar toss fun by setting up targets for you to aim for (cups, paper football style finger goal posts, and even spread lips (even though it was invited, I just could bring myself to try to toss a dirty dollar bill in there – the 18 year olds seemed to love that though)).  Unfortunately, the interaction away from the stage is adequate at best, with a lot of girls not interacting much with customers, and others seeming a little strung out. 

Value (6.5/10) – The $20 weekend cover is pretty rough and regular dances are overpriced at $30 each ($25 during the week), but the stage value is solid, $80 for private shows is a bargain, and you can save a ton of money on beer if you’re planning to drink a lot.  Normal beers are $4 each, but you can also bring your own cases of beer if you plan ahead.  BYOB places can be frustrating if you’re just passing through the area since you won’t be prepared with your own beer, but the combo of a place that serves beer and liquor while allowing you to bring your own beer is amazing, and explains the high cover.  

Club Setup (3.5/10) – This place looks like a warehouse from the outside, but it’s actually moderately sized on the inside.  There’s an under-21 side to the left and the main area is off to the right, but you can go back and forth between the two if you have the right color wristband.  The youngster side is smaller, but they’re similar, with large bars that surround internal stages that are several feet away from customers, requiring the aforementioned dollar toss.  Most people sit at the bar, but there are also a few tables and an area to stand around and drink your cases of beer in the main area of the club.  They do have several medium sized TVs around the room, but there aren’t any big screens, so it probably wouldn’t be my choice if you’re looking for somewhere to watch a game.  The whole place feels a little worn, possibly because it’s so bright that you see all of its flaws, but it isn’t so bad as to really detract from your enjoyment.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There are lots of handles on the booths to allow the girls to maneuver and a partial wall will block the view of your lower body from most of the club patrons, but you’re right out in the open from the chest up, and, worst of all, they’re got some of the least comfortable lap dance seats I’ve experienced.  They’re small and wooden and basically feel like the shittiest park benches ever.  

Atmosphere (2/10) – BYOB means that you can make your own atmosphere to a certain extent, and that’s a good thing, because this place is jackass central.  The mix of early 20s meatheads who treat the girls like shit, 18 year olds who don’t know any better, and creepy old guys who are hoping to cum in their underwear adds up to a place that I don’t really enjoy hanging out, and that’s all before the rough crowd shows up when it gets late.

Location (3/5) – Show & Tel is a short walk down Columbus Boulevard from Club Risque, but it isn’t easily walkable from most places that you’d be in Philadelphia.  It’s probably about a $10 cab ride from Center City or the stadiums.  Just make sure that they’re open before you go out of your way to go there, because they keep some moronic hours.  I tried to go one town after a Phillies game ended at 7pm, but they didn’t open until 8:30. 

Overall – More than good or bad, Show & Tel is strange.  Strip club newbies will enjoy it, but I’d guess that even veteran strip club goers would be split between loving and hating it. If you want to drink on the cheap with a group of guys or come in by yourself for a little bump and grind or a mutual masturbation show, you’ll probably have a good time, but it you’re looking to do anything other than that, I’d go elsewhere.

RAW SCORE = 50

Penthouse Club (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (12.5/20) – Two way contact is generally encouraged, but some of the girls keep the tits off limits if you’re just buying a single dance.  Even then, though, you still get a decent grind, and many of the girls are active over the pants with their hands.  Based on the fact that there have been prostitution busts here in the past, I assume that extras are at least occasionally available, but I haven’t personally received any of those offers.

Quality of Dancers (9/10) – These are, without question, the hottest girls in Pennsylvania.  There are fewer implants than I expected, all of the girls are at least decent, and there were several girls in the 9-10 range.  The bottom line is that these girls are hot enough that you no longer should have any need to ever to go Delilah’s, and that’s a good thing.   

Number of Dancers (8/10) – During prime time hours, they usually have two girls on the main stage, one girl dancing on top of the bar, and another one or two girls dancing on a narrow ledge off to the side. Plus they have a ton of girls working the crowd, so you should always be able to get some attention if you want it.  

Variety of Dancers (3/5) – Most of the girls are fairly thin, but there’s a nice mix of black and white dancers who are all attractive.

Attitudes (3.5/10) – They aren’t overly pushy and some of the girls are friendly, but prepare for the hustle, because most of these ladies are all business.  It can be a bit of a buzzkill, but it’s probably no worse than you’d expect for this type of club.

Value (1/10) – Don’t come here looking for a bargain, because this place is about as expensive as anywhere in town.  Beers are $6.75 each, there’s a bathroom attendant looking for a tip, dances are $20 (in the communal area that no one goes to) or $30 (in the private booths), and the VIP areas (they call them “sky boxes”) are $250 for 30 minutes, plus the cover is $20 and they have mandatory valet parking for $6.  It’s all so overpriced that I was actually glad that the Chink’s cheesesteak that I’d eaten before my first visit resulted in some potent gas that I dropped right before pulling up to the parking lot, not realizing that I couldn’t park my car myself.  Stew in it, you greedy pricks. 

Club Setup (7.5/10) – This is a very classy club, with multiple staircases down to a long, fancy stage with smoke effects extending the length of the club.  Small tables line the stage and more couches are nearby, and there are nice couches in raised areas around the exterior of the club, though most of them will be reserved on weekend evenings.  There’s also a nice, medium sized bar on the main level of the club, and that has a wide bar top where a girl will be dancing most of the time, and there’s another nice bar upstairs if you want to be away from the action. I wish they had more seats, but this is still a very nice club.    

Dance Setup (8/10) – They have $20 dances in a communal dance area, but I didn’t bother with that since the dance booths are only $10 more.  In the booths, there’s a comfortable couch and curtains close the opening, so it’s very private. 

Atmosphere (7.5/10) – This is a classy club, but it’s still fun enough that it would be a good choice for a night out with friends or a bachelor or bachelorette party.  The music is a little too loud, but there’s good variety and the bikini-clad bartendresses and waitresses help add to the solid vibe. 

Location (3/5) – If you’re just visiting Philadelphia, the Penthouse club will probably be fairly far north of where you’ll be staying, and driving there is a pain since they have mandatory valet parking.  Still, it’s only about 10 minutes from Center City and shouldn’t be too expensive to cab to. 

Overall – The Penthouse Club is my favorite strip joint in Philadelphia because it has the best combination of worthwhile dances and attractive dancers, but you need to be prepared to spend some cash, because it’s one of the most expensive clubs around.  If you’ve got it, though, it’s worth spending it here.     

RAW SCORE = 63

Delilah's (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (5.5/20) – The girls mostly give some moderate friction, but having my hands moved immediately from the outsides of a girl's legs is a huge buzzkill, especially when the girls already give off a stuck up vibe.  If I can't touch your legs for $20, you won't be getting a second $20.

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – If you're into white girls, you'll have a hard time complaining at the quality of dancers at Delilah's. Basically, other than the hints of Amish inbreeding, it's as close to Spearmint Rhino quality as you'll find on the east coast.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – They've got a ton of dancers, but they lose a few points because there are often so many guys in here that it can be a challenge to get a dance.  I've only made one day-shift visit and it was dead in terms of customers and dancers, but the ratio was much more acceptable then.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – Thin, white and mostly blonde works for a lot of guys, and that's a good thing, because that what Delilah's has.

Attitude of dancers (1/10) – One girl walked up to my table and asked if I wanted a dance.  I started to say something like, "maybe in a bit, but I want to get a drink first, so check back in a while," but
the girl stormed off about half way through "maybe". Some of the other ones aren't quite as bad, but it's rare to find a girl in Delilah's who isn't full of herself.

Value (4/10) – For an upscale club that takes itself way too seriously, the prices are surprisingly reasonable, with $20 dances and$6 beers.  They do have a fairly steep cover (something like $15 on
weekends), but it's waived if you have a ticket to a sporting event or a hotel room key. That's kind of shitty for locals and is the reason that I never visited while living in the area, but it seems to be
standard at the more upscale Philly clubs. There isn't any interaction between customers and dancers at the stage, but the view is great so you can ration your money if you want to just be a spectator.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Thankfully, dances are not given on the main floor because that place can get packed. They're in a separate room that's behind a curtain and is filled with couches.  It's not at all
private, but at least the couches are reasonably comfortable.

Club Setup (4/10) – There's a long stage down middle of the club with stairs that come down to it from the Delilahs Club Level.  You have to be a member to go up there, (I have no idea what it takes to become a member, but I wasn't interested), but it's sweet how they have girls gyrating around on the stairs while other girls are on the stage. The seating isn't nearly as nice as the stage though.  There are a bunch of small tables and a few booths in raised areas along sides of club, but those are mostly reserved for bottle service, so it can be tough to find a seat on nights of big sporting events. Overall, it comes very close to having a solid setup, but you should never have to circle a club 4 times to find a seat that you're immediately tossed from because you're only drinking beer. I like beer, so they can go fuck themselves.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place is very upscale, so depending on your tastes,you might think it's either classy or stuffy. Thanks to the sights, it would be an awesome place to chill and have a few beers after a game, but the atmosphere isn't conducive to that at all. Still, it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a curious girlfriend to a place like this if you want to fool her into thinking that nothing inappropriate goes on at strip clubs.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Delilah's is along the Delaware River near Penn's Landing right across the street from Dave & Busters.  It's walkable from the Center City/South Street areas, but it will be a fairly long walk.  If you're going to do it, I'd walk over to Columbus and then walk north to the club, because you'll be bordering on some shady areas if you walk north to Spring Garden and then east to the club.

Overall – This place might be good for a bachelor party with your soon to be father in law or a business meeting, and it might even be an okay place to do some sightseeing before the night really gets started, but the attitudes and stuffiness prevent it from ever being great for anything beyond that.

Total score = 40.5

Club Risqué on the Delaware (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (8/20) – Most of these girls give a fairly solid grind, and even though full two-way contact is not allowed, hands on the outsides of the legs is generally okay. Best of all, at least one of the girls really takes pride in her work, apologizing profusely because she noticed that I wasn't at full attention by the end of the dance. The fact that I'd been drinking moonshine and Yeungling all day had more to do with that that than anything that the girl did or didn't do, but it was still nice to know that she actually cares about customer satisfaction. Sadly, another girl pretty much undid that goodwill by ruining a dance with baby talk bullshit. It wasn't the first time that a dancer has put on that little girl voice with me, but this girl was way over the top with it, and even when it isn't as bad, it's still pretty lame. Creeps who get off on having little girls on their lap are more likely to be working in a department store as Santa Claus than to be in a strip club, so I don't know why so many dancers think it's a turn-on. I come to strip clubs for the women, so is it too much to ask for you to act like a grown-ass woman?

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Most of these ladies are fairly cute, but for one of the most popular clubs in one of the biggest cities in the U.S., it's a bit of a letdown. Even though Philly's more famous for deliciously unhealthy food and overweight, angry sports fans than it is for attractive ladies, there are still more than enough around here to fill up a club with girls in the 7+ range, but Club Risqué just isn't getting the job done.

Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – I've only been here on weekend evenings, but there have always been lots of girls in the place. That's a good thing though, because it's a popular stop after sporting events, so it can get packed with customers and it can be somewhat tough to get a dance.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – This club isn't all that diverse for anywhere, but it's particularly monochromatic considering that it's in Philadelphia. I've seen a few black chicks and a few curves, but the vast majority of dancers in this joint are thin, white and, at least in my opinion, kind of boring.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – I realize that most strippers put on an act when they're in the club, but these ladies are particularly poor actors. They're friendly enough, but it takes away from it a little bit when you don't even get fooled into thinking that you saw a glimpse of the real person behind the g-string.

Value (3/10) – The stage value is lacking, but for a major city, $6 beer and $20 dances aren't all that bad. Plus, there's no cover if you have tickets to a sporting event or a hotel key card. It's kind of like how Vegas clubs waive the cover for locals because they respect their repeat customers, only the exact opposite. Since I've only been to Risqué after sporting events while in various states of drunkenness, I never remember exactly how much the cover would otherwise be, but I think it's somewhere in the $10-15 range.

Dance Setup (3/10) – There's a separate area off to the side of the main stage area in the back of the club where they take you for lap dances. Though there's no privacy back there, the individual comfy chairs do a lot to make up for it. Or maybe I just don't mind the lack of privacy as much as I usually would since I'm always too tanked to give a fuck.  

Club Setup (4.5/10) – They've got a long narrow runway style stage down the center of the club and a raised area along the side with booths and chairs that are great for sight seeing.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – There's a very nice party vibe at Club Risqué, and if the dances were a little better, it wouldn't be a bad place at all to spend an evening.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Risqué isn't really walkable from anywhere, but it isn't far from center city or the sports complex by cab. You're probably looking at about a $10 ride from most of the city.

Overall – Club Risqué on the Delaware (they have other locations in the area that I've not yet visited) is better than Delilah's as far as the Philly upscale clubs go, and is generally a solid place to stop after a Sixers, Phillies or Flyers game. I wouldn't go out of my way to get here under normal circumstances, but sports, tits and beer are the perfect combination, so I usually try to make that happen when I'm in the area.

TOTAL SCORE = 45