Mons Venus (Tampa, FL)

Quality of Dances (17/20) – The dances at Mons Venus are excellent.  They’re fully nude, there’s a ton of grinding and you can touch anywhere except between the legs, though some girls also request that you don’t focus too much on their nipples.  You won’t be finishing in here unless you’re a little quick on the trigger, but I’ve never had a dance at Mons that I didn’t enjoy.

Quality of Dancers (10/10) – The ladies in this place are blazing, and that’s especially impressive since it’s a nude club that prevents them from hiding any flaws.  Pretty much all of them are in the 7+ range, and there are several 9s and 10s working on any given night.

Number of Dancers (10/10) – There are 4 or 5 girls on stage at a time, and pretty much one girl for each guy in the crowd on weeknights.  That can be annoying in a lesser club since you’ll constantly be bothered by girls who might fall below your standards, but there’s no filler at Mons Venus, so you know that the girls who will be harassing you are hot.

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of these girls are young, thin and white, but I’m giving them a little credit because the few black girls that they do have are amazing, and their Asians aren’t bad at all either.  The most unique variety that I’ve seen, though, is in the pubic hair department.  As you’d expect, there are lots of bald eagles, but I’ve also seen some 70’s style super bushes, including one on a girl who galloped around the stage in the most awkward manner possible but still would rate as a perfect 10 on any straight man’s scale.

Attitudes (2.5/10) – This isn’t the place to come for conversation.  If you want a dance, they’ll provide it, and if you don’t, they’ll find someone who does.  On the bright side, they’re too busy to waste time playing games about prices, and they’re mostly honest about counting dances, though it’s never a bad idea to keep track yourself just to be safe.    

Value (7/10) – The $20 cover is a little steep, though it’s an alcohol free club and waters are only two bucks, so I can’t complain about that too much.  The dance prices vary between $20 to $30 depending on the girl, but the songs are insanely long and you should be able to get a slight discount if you buy in bulk.  Six for $100 is about the best offer that I heard without doing much negotiating, but I’m sure you can do a little better than that if you’re there on a slow night and don’t mind looking like a cheapskate. 

Club Setup (3/10) – As with 2001 Odyssey across the street, this place is much smaller than you’d expected for a world famous club.  There’s a moderately sized main stage in the center of the room with a bunch of shitty seats around it, and benches along both sides of the room and a raised area in the back provide for some extra seating, but the setup definitely leaves a lot to be desired overall.  The bathroom, in particular, is ridiculous. A bathroom can either have a stall-less shitter or an attendant, but the combination made me feel like I was in this old Saturday Night Live sketch.    

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – On the one side of the club, there’s a long bench for dances. It faces away from the stage, but there’s a mirror in front of you so you can get a good view of what your girl is doing, but, unfortunately, that means everyone else can see what she’s up to as well. On the other side of the club, there’s a long couch/bench dance area, but patrons who aren’t getting dances sit over there too so it’s not at all private. The one saving grace is that the ceiling is mirrored, so you do get a unique view, but this is still a pretty poor dance setup for a club that’s known as a lap dance factory.

Atmosphere (4/10) – The atmosphere in here is about as good as it gets for an alcohol free club.  It’s much closer to the party vibe of the Las Vegas Little Darlings than it is to the sad, creepy ambiance of the juicebars in New England.

Location (4/5) – A convenience store next door that sells cans of beer with paper bags is next door, a liquor store is within walking distance, 2001 Odyssey is right across the street and Scores is just a few feet away.  If you stay at the Howard Johnson across the street, the location is perfect, and it isn’t terribly inconvenient from the airport.  It’s not downtown, but there’s really no reason to stay downtown anyway. 

Overall – Mons Venus has gorgeous dancers, great dances, and is just generally a fun place to spend part of an evening.  I’ve only previously given the seal of approval to one alcohol-free club, but Mons Venus is deserving of the distinction.  If you’re in Tampa, go here.   

RAW SCORE = 60.5

2001 Odyssey (Tampa, FL)

Quality of Dances (18/20) – Regular lap dances don’t get a whole lot better than the fully nude grinding versions with plenty of stick shifting that you get at 2001 Odyssey.  If you’re looking for more than that, it will cost you (I’ve heard prices in the $300-400 range for some services that go above and beyond), but it’s always nice to have options.  I’ve never gone for that, but I can confirm that the $200 dances in the spaceship are excellent.  I was going to make a joke about blasting off, but it would be too corny, so I’ll just say this – they’ll usually offer to make you cum in your pants.

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – You might expect a little more quality out of a famous club like this, but they don’t have any terribly unattractive girls and a few of them are stunning.  Most, though, are in the 6-7 range. 

Number of Dancers (8/10) – There are usually two girls on the tiny stage at a time, and there are almost too many working the crowd considering how small this place is. I’m sure the number of customers goes way up on weekends, but the dancer to customer ratio has always been greater than 1-to-1 during my weeknight visits.  

Variety of Dancers (2/5) – You’re going to find mostly thin white dancers at just about any of the Tampa clubs, but there are at least a few curves and black girls mixed in at this place. 

Attitudes (2/10) – 2001 is a hustle hut.  “Wanna dance?” is about the extent of the conversation, and most girls try to hide the fact that there’s supposed to be a $5 fee paid to the bouncer every time that you go for a dance.  Once you spend some cash, some of the girls soften up, but even that isn’t a sure thing.   

Value (3/10) – The $15 cover is to be expected at an alcohol-free club, but they need to either lower it a little or drop the 1 drink minimum.  The club also theoretically takes $5 each time that you go to the dance room, but I’ve found that they usually only charge that a few times if you tip the bouncer a few bucks or if you’re a lap dance fiend like me.  The value for the dances themselves, though, isn’t too bad at $25 for each relatively short song, and the stage value is pretty solid. 

Club Setup (3/10) – For such a famous joint, this place is shockingly undersized.  There’s a small stage and several small tables with shitty chairs, and there’s a small juice bar, but you should be spending most of your time getting dances anyway, so the fact that it isn’t a great setup isn’t a dealbreaker. The only real bright spot on the inside is the rain making machine, but the spaceship on the roof of the building is so amazingly ridiculous that I had to give them a few points here. 

Dance Setup (4/10) – You get your own mirrored booth during the regular dances, but the privacy is still limited since people can see you when they walk by and cameras are pointed right at you.  The setup in the spaceship is much better, but that’s to be expected since it’s $200 to go up there. 

Atmosphere (3/10) – 2001 is more laid back than Mons Venus, but it still has a fun party vibe.  The score would be much higher if they served alcohol, but I didn’t even miss that too much since there are liquor stores and a convenience store within walking distance, so you can periodically pound some drinks in the parking lot to keep the buzz going.  I wouldn’t go for multiple consecutive Modelo tallboys though, because that didn’t work out so well for me the last time I was there. 

Location (4/5) – There’s a reasonably priced HoJo next door and the world famous Mons Venus is right across the street, plus it’s right by Scores if you want to down a few adult beverages without going the paper bag route.  It’s a little out of the way if you’re staying in downtown Tampa, but why would you do that when you could just crash by this little oasis of excellent strip clubs?

Overall – I like Mons Venus better overall, but 2001 Odyssey is a very good club in its own right and actually has slightly better lap dances and infinitely better potential if you’re looking for more than a lap dance.  Since you can walk back and forth between the two, you might as well hit both in one night.  

RAW SCORE = 54