Monreal's "Encore" Gentleman's Club (Milwaukee, WI)

Quality of dances (0/20) - Before you even get into the club, you know that you will not be getting a good dance. Posted prominently on the front door is the following sign "Do not touch the dancers. Touching the Dancers is a Class E felony punishable by 9 months imprisonment or $10,000 penalty." I took my chances with the law and got a dance anyways. As one dancer appropriately said "the dances are only $10 for obvious reasons." The most contact I got from the dance was the dancer's hand bracing against my knee as the rest of her body was arm's length away, with the occasional fake tit coming within 7 inches of my face.

Quality of dancers (3/10) - That being said, these could be the most attractive women in all of Wisconsin, minus the fake bombs. Only one girl in the whole place had real tits, and the fake jobs were so bad they look like a small child sculpted them with homemade play dough. This is clearly where Steve Carrell got the line "it was like a bag of sand" in the 40 Year Old Virgin. I can proudly say that I saw the oldest woman I've ever seen dancing in a club here; however, she danced in some sort of ball gown the whole time, only showing her mummified breasts in the last 20 seconds of the song.

Number of dancers (6/10) - There were girls pouring out of every mouse hole in the building. There were at least 15 senior citizens in the bar, and there was pretty close to a 1-1 ratio of girls to old dirty men.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - Milwaukee's mixture of Latina women, old German beer maids and college students were all adequately represented. If you're into white women under the age of 46 or anything other than Hispanic women, you may be out of luck here.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) - I was only able to get two dancers to talk to me as they walked around for their "tip walk." The one was fairly friendly, and the other one talked hockey with me for at least 5 minutes, and selected a song just to taunt me for my hockey affiliations, so she seemed to enjoy her job. However, the other girl basically said that the club sucked, so it's mostly hit or miss.

Value (1/10) - $4.25 is the most I've ever paid for a PBR in my life. It won the Blue Ribbon, but not in the last 100 years. No cover, but I hear there's one at night. $10 for a dance might seem great, but you're better off driving down I-94 and buying a DVD at the trucker store for your $10. Also, no matter where you are sitting at the bar, the girls do a "tip walk" after they get off stage and expect you to give them a dollar regardless of your proximity to the stage or whether you could even see them dancing.

Dance Setup (0/10) - The room is basically just a half wall in the middle of the room with drapes over the front. There are individual chairs all next to each other with no dividers between chairs. There is some privacy, however, since no one ever gets dances here so you won't be bumping into other guys in the room. Also, the dance room shares a wall with the kitchen, so at lunch time the whole room just smells like fried fish.

Club Setup (2.5/10) - When you walk inside, it's basically just a bar; when you walk in further, there is a stage within view of half the bar, and there are seats at the stage and further away from the stage. If you aren't sitting at the stage or one of the three bar stools that face the stage, you're not going to have a great view.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) - If you are an old man, part of a welder's union, or just drink because you hate your life, you will love this place. It's in the middle of a grave yard, and has a sign telling you that you will go to jail if you touch the dancers. Also, I'm 90% sure one of the guys was wearing a prison jumpsuit. The only way you will enjoy the atmosphere is if you treat it like a bar with overpriced beers and girls walking around with their fake bombs hanging out. One small benefit is the cigar ash tray at every table, although I doubt anyone has ever smoked anything but Marlboros or Kools at this place.

Club Accessibility (4/5) - I imagine this is the only reason people come here. It is right off of I-94 by Miller Park, and only about 1 block off of the freeway. They even have a free shuttle to and from Miller Park from the club. However, two sides of building are basically surrounded by a graveyard, so you almost have to come from the freeway to get here. Unsure of public transportation access.

Overall - If you want to get a fish fry, have a beer, and look at fake tits with senior citizens, this is your spot. Otherwise, I would not recommend this club.

TOTAL SCORE = 24