Hi-Way Playground (Yukon, PA)

I won’t be able to write a full review since I wasn’t even invited to enter the main room of the Hi-Way Playground, but I saw more than enough to tell you that it’s definitely not worth visiting.

I wasn’t expecting a lot since I showed up in the afternoon, but it’s still pretty sad that the only girl in the building was working the front desk. The entrance to the club is in a room where they display a bunch of porn videos (no idea whether they’re for sale or if you can jerk off to them in their video booths, but I didn’t feel any need to inquire into that), and then you need to pay a $15 cover to get entry into the main room. The one nice thing about paying the cover is that you’ll then get free all-you-can-drink beer, but the girl at the front desk didn’t feel like dancing on stage, so she gave me the following options: 1) buy a lap dance from her; 2) buy a VIP dance from her; or, 3) get the fuck out. I chose option 1 so that’s what this review is based on, but I really should have chosen option 3.   

Quality of Dances (11/20) – My lap dance was actually fairly decent, with some solid grinding and a little over-the-pants mouth action, but it wasn’t anything special and wasn’t nearly as good as you’ll find down the road at the Filly Corral.

Quality of Dancers (4/10) - I don’t feel bad making generalizations about a group of dancers, but I really don’t want to rip an individual girl, so I’ll just say that the one I saw wasn’t bad looking, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to see her. 

Number of Dancers (0.5/10) – Even for the day shift, one girl working the front desk and no girls working the club is unacceptable.

Variety of Dancers (0/5) – It’s not really fair of me to say they have no variety since I only saw one girl, but that’s the price they pay for only having one dancer working. Regardless, I’d be shocked if they ever have any non-white dancers (or customers) in this backwoods joint.

Attitudes (1/10) – I was already put off by the girl asking what kind of dance I wanted at the front desk, but her asking for a tip before the lap dance even started was the deal breaker.

Value (4/10) – It’s not a bad value if you just want to drink some beer and watch the stage if there’s actually someone on the stage, but $30 for lap dances (3 for $70 if you want the bulk discount) and $100 for 15 minutes of VIP dances aren’t great values, and those were the only options while I was there. 

Club Setup (0/10) – This is yet another category that I can’t fairly rate, but I didn’t get to see the main part of the club, so fuck ‘em.

Dance Setup (6/10) – Dances are given on old, uncomfortable couches in booths down a brightly lit hallway in the back of the club.  Although they don’t close the curtains for the regular dances, no one will be able to see you unless they happen to be walking to their own dances, but I assume doesn’t happen all that often.

Atmosphere (1/10) – Alcohol makes everything better, so the free beer is worth a point. This place is a dump though.

Location (0.5/5) – The club is right off of exit 53 of I-70 in Yukon, Pennsylvania about 45 minutes outside of Pittsburgh.  It’s only a few miles from the vastly superior Filly Corral and a Flying J travel plaza, but there’s really nothing else in the area that you’d want to visit.  The one nice thing is that they have plenty of parking, but that’s in a pothole filled gravel parking lot where you’re probably not going to want to take a nice car even if you inexplicably would otherwise want to visit this shithole.  

Overall – Even though I’m sure I didn’t see Hi-Way Playground at it’s best, I feel confident in saying that it’s almost certainly a really bad club no matter when you visit. Even if it were mediocre, though, it still wouldn’t be worth visiting since one of Pennyslvania’s best clubs, the Filly Corral, is just 2 exits down I-70. Just do yourself a favor and don't go here. 

RAW SCORE = 28

TS Music Strip Live Theater (Tokyo, Japan)

TS Music is fucking weird. 

You pay your 5000 yen cover to the guy at the front desk, then go into an insanely cramped room where the following announcement is made over the loudspeaker: “please be silent – no personal talks during performance.”  You and a room full of Japanese businessmen then watch a girl perform a well-choreographed two song stage set that’s fairly impressive in an artistic sort of way.  Some of the girls only strip off their clothes as the lights go out at the end of the show and others take off everything, with one even going so far as to vigorously masturbate while a very religious gospel song played, but no one really cares about the show anyway. 

The real attraction for this crowd is that, after three stage shows, the club turns up the lights and those three girls come out to sell some shit (it looked like panties in a bag, but I can’t confirm that) and pose for pictures.  Now, the important thing to remember here is that all Japanese porn is pixelated, so there’s a reason that most of the guys stare at the ladies like they’ve never seen a vagina before. 

Their only chance to get uncensored nude pictures is to make their own here, and they take full advantage.  Some guys get in the pictures with the girls and others get the girls to pose for full body shots, but most just place the camera between the girl’s legs and get extreme close-up vag shots.  My favorite was the one guy who meticulously posed a girl on her knees with one hand on her hip while she looked over her shoulder, then he zoomed in so far on her crotch that it was all that was visible in the photo anyway.     

It’s not fair to rate TS Music as a strip club since it’s really more of a photo shoot location/cultural experience, but I’ll give it a shot…

Quality of Dancers (9/10) – I have no idea what the "TS" in the name means, but these ladies are definitely not trannies. Every dancer that I saw here was very hot, with most being in the 8-10 range. It wasn’t quite enough to get me to ever go back, but it came close. 

Number of Dancers (4/10) – It was hard to get a good read on how many girls were working since only one is on stage during the shows, three come out for photos at a time, and none work the crowd, but I didn’t see any repeat performers during the hour or so that I stuck around.

Variety of Dancers (0.5/5) – If you’re not into thin Japanese women, you’re out of luck here.   

Attitudes (8/10) – I didn’t get any photos, so I have no idea whether they speak English, but the girls were all friendly to the perverts who went up to the stage and they seemed happy to pose in whatever ridiculous ways the guys requested.  

Value (1/10) – The 5000 yen (about $60 US) cover is insanely high if you just want to look, but the 500 yen fee to take photos of the girls seems reasonable I guess. 

Club Setup (0/10) – They have several rows of chairs all facing the fairly large stage, but I’ve never been in a club as cramped as TS Music.  Hell, I’ve never been in an airplane as cramped as TS Music.  Unless you’re very short, your knees will be pressing against the chair in front of you.  

Atmosphere (0/10) – Sitting in silence with a bunch of horny businessmen is mildly amusing for a few minutes, but it’s definitely not the place to go for a fun night out, especially since they don’t serve drinks.   

Quality of Dances (0/20) and Dance Setup (0/10) – There are no lap dances at TS Music. 

Location (5/5) – TS Music is in Kabukicho and is easily accessible by the Tokyo Metro.  

  

RAW SCORE = 27.5

Overall – Don’t go to TS Music expecting a Western style strip club, because it’s horrible if you judge it by that standard.  If you’re looking for a uniquely Japanese cultural experience, though, it fits the bill.  I won’t be returning, but I’m glad to have gotten to see it once.   

Gin Dee's (West Haven, CT)

Quality of Dances (5.5/20) – The girls make some contact with customers and a halfhearted grind is pretty standard, but two way contact is not encouraged.  No one has protested when I've put my hands on their legs, but I don't get the impression that anything beyond that is tolerated with most of these girls.

Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – I feel bad being too harsh here because the bright lighting makes the flaws more visible than they'd be most places, but either way, there are plenty of flaws here.  I know that some guys are into tattooed chicks, but there's way too much ink in here for my tastes, and a lot of the girls just look generally sloppy.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – They've had less than a half dozen girls dancing every time I've been there, though I'm pleased to say that hasn't been all that often. Still, there aren't a whole lot of customers so the ratio isn't too bad.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – They have about an equal number of black and white dancers with every size from meth addict thin to borderline-obese represented.  If it weren't for the fact that most of the variety is just variations of ugly, this score would be at least a point higher.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of these girls are reasonably friendly and they really spend a lot of time chatting with the regulars, even if no one is spending money.  That would usually annoy me since I'm not a regular, but for the most part, I'm just thankful that other guys have kept these ladies away from me.

Value (4/10) – The $5 cover, $4 domestic beers and stage value aren't too bad, especially since a lot of the girls flash the puss on stage despite it only being a topless club.  The dances are where they lose it though, since they charge $25 even though the service isn't worth half that.

Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in a small area towards the back of the club where there are four horribly uncomfortable chairs.  That wouldn't be so bad, but they face towards each other, there are no barriers and there are mirrors on both sides, so it's almost impossible not to watch everyone else get dances. The only positive is that people at the bar can't see you.

Club Setup (2/10) – This place is a lot bigger on the inside that you'd realize from driving by, but they really don't need or make use of all of the space that they've got.  The stage in particular is needlessly large, with no more than one girl dancing (or wiggling, as the case may be) at a time. I guess the draw is the large bar and the pool tables, but just like with girls, you see all the flaws in this place thanks to the bright lighting.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The crowd can be a little shady and this place is just generally depressing, but it's not as bad it would be if it were darker.  It really is a catch 22 for them though - turn up the lights and the girls look like shit, or turn down the lights and depress the hell out of everyone.

Club Accessibility (2/5) - Gin Dee's isn't far from New Haven and they have plenty of parking, but you're going to have to drive to get there.

Overall – There are some bad clubs in and around New Haven, but Gin Dee's is probably the worst of them. If you're in the area and are desperate to go to a club, you're much better off driving the 10 minutes down I-95 to Keepers in Milford or heading into New Haven to the Crazy Horse.

TOTAL SCORE = 29

Rose's Cantina (Groton, CT)

Quality of Dances (7/20) – These dances were about as good as I expected them to be, which is to say that they weren't very good at all. The only girl that I wasted my cash on rubbed her ass on my lap and was fine with me touching her legs, but she didn't work it all that hard and said that she had "fucked guys up" for inappropriate touching during dances. I'm not sure just how inappropriate you have to be to get fucked up, but the girl looked like she could do some damage in a fight, so I decided against pushing my luck. It's possible that I got a below average girl, but honestly, I'd be shocked if the other girls are any better than the one I sampled. I almost always try at least a few girls to make sure that the dance score is accurate, but the low quality of girls and the ridiculous dance prices made me just stick to one dance at Rose's.

Quality of Dancers (3/10) –  I've seen two mediocre girls and one who was downright sloppy, and even though that's a low sample size, I have a hard time imagining that the other girls are all that impressive either.  Since the girls down the street at the Gold Club seem to make decent money, I assume that most girls would work there if they were hot enough to compete. As with most shitty strip clubs, the two bartenders that I've seen have both been much more attractive than any of the dancers. Unfortunately, they wear shit like long-sleeved plaid shirts, so their hotness is largely wasted.

Number of Dancers (0/10) – During my first visit, there wasn't a single dancer in the place. I almost wrote a review based on that, but figured that a titty bar review based on a tittyless visit wouldn't be much better than a tittyless titty bar, so I bit the bullet and went out of my way to make a second trip to Groton. I guess the second trip was better, but not by much. Three ladies were working this time, but the only way that I knew that for my first 45 minutes in the place was that they walked from the changing room to the front door so they could smoke, then they walked right back to the changing room. They eventually mingled with customers, but the whole situation was unacceptable. Honestly though, this place is better off without dancers because then you can just pretend it's an awesome dive bar instead of a shitty strip club.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – Few girls means little variety.  All white girls means even less variety. Don't get your hopes up for Latinas based on the "Cantina" name; this place is as white as it gets. The little bit of variety comes in the thickness department, with one girl's saggy pickle tits almost hitting the floor when she was on all fours.

Attitude of Dancers (1/10) – This seems like the type of place where all of the dancers would call you "sweetie," but not so much. Hanging out in the back room and taking a group smoke break while a dozen paying customers sit around by themselves is bad enough, but even once the girls graced us with their presence, they still weren't real charmers. The girl that I got a dance from tried to convince me that I should give her a tip because she "gave me an extra half a song." By an extra half a song, apparently she meant the ten seconds of dancing that she did while the previous song faded out. One girl asked where I was from, and when I told her, she gave a sarcastic, "Oh, don't they have any clubs there?" Yeah, they do, but I went two hours out of my way to give this shithole a second chance to redeem itself after my first dancerless visit. Let's just say the redeeming wasn't really happening. And if their attitudes toward customers aren't bad enough, they just seemed like generally nasty people based on the one dancer who stole a tip that I'd left for another girl and another dancer who complained about the "jigaboo noise" that was playing.

Value (2/10) – There's no cover charge and beers are fairly cheap, with 16oz. PBRs for $3 and other bottles starting around $3.50.  That's not bad, but $30 dances are ridiculous for a place like this.

Dance Setup (1/10) –  There are two small booths toward the back of the club that open from the side so that most of the people in the club can't really see what's going on.  The chairs are basically big ugly wooden boxes, the edges are too close to keep you from achieving an optimal spreading of your legs, and they're basically just about as uncomfortable as possible. They do provide for some limited privacy since the chair is around the corner from the door, but the dance setup is really bad overall.

Club Setup (2/10) – The main area has a decent sized bar, 2 pool tables, a dart board, a few TVs and a big buck hunter arcade game.  It's a fairly solid setup for a bar, but then you notice that in the back, there's a little dog-leg section where there's a shitty stage and some chairs.  If you're actually trying to look at girls on stage, it's awkward at best.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – There isn't much of a strip club atmosphere in this place, but as a cantina, I love it.  During my first visit, there was a group of guys rolling dice, a weird old guy in a cowboy hat, and a bunch of other interesting characters all having a good time. 

Club Accessibility (2/5) – The location in a strip mall is kind of strange, but it's easy enough to get to and is right down the road from the Gold Club. There's plenty of parking, but you're almost certainly going to have to drive to get here.

Overall – If I were reviewing dive bars, Rose's Cantina would probably get my seal of approval, but since I'm not, it won't even come close. Actually, I had a much better time here during my first visit when there weren't dancers than during my second visit when there were. Maybe that's a product of different expectations, or maybe it's just the fact that I didn't waste $30 on a dance the first time, but either way, it doesn't say much for a titty bar when it's better without the titties. The Gold Club isn't a great club, but it's an infinitely better option if you're in Groton and are looking to see some attractive topless ladies.

TOTAL SCORE = 25

Juicee's (Norwich, CT)

Quality of Dances (10/20) - Most of the dances that I had at Juicee's were decent but unspectacular.  Some of the girls allowed full 2-way contact (I was told to touch "anywhere but the cookie"), but some were a little more reserved.  Sadly, even the best girls failed to pay any special attention to body parts that like special attention. 

Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) - They probably don't have a whole lot to choose from in the middle of nowhere and it shows, because quality control is non-existent.  I saw a few girls who weren't bad, but there were a few who were among the worst I've ever seen in a club.  I'm not a huge fan of old ladies, c-section scars or white trash, but when you combine all of those qualities into one messy woman, the result is even worse than the sum of its parts.  

Variety (2/5) - I've only been here once, but most of the girls working that night were white.  There was one darker skinned girl working, and there was a pretty wide array of body types, including one girl who was quite possibly a midget.  

Number (3/10) - Though there weren't many dancers working the night that I was there, there weren't many customers either.  The ratio hovered around 1-to-1 for most of the evening.  Usually that's a good thing, but it did make it a little bit difficult to avoid the less desirable girls.  

Attitude (3.5/10) - The "little person" was one of the friendliest dancers I've ever met, but the others weren't nearly as welcoming.  If you don't like being a stripper, either find another way to make money or learn to at least pretend like you enjoy it while you're working.  I'm not sure if saying "I hate doing this" is supposed to make customers feel bad and give more tips, but it definitely didn't work with this customer.

Value (6/10) -It's unheard of for a place with a $12 cover, $4 sodas and $20 dances to get an above average value score, but Juicee's pulled it off.  Instead of giving dances by the song, they give them in timed 7 minute blocks.  Assuming that the average strip club song is about 3 minutes long, that works out to a little under $10 per song, which is about as good as you'll find.  And it really does make a lot of sense.  Why should you have to pay the same amount for 1 song whether it's Extra Pale by the Goo Goo Dolls, coming in just shy of 2 minutes (which the day shift girls at the Electric Blue still try to get away with) or American Pie by Don McLean?  

Dance Setup (2.5/10) - The lap dance area has a few chairs in a raised area along the side of the club with no privacy between them, but no one in the rest of the club can see much of what goes on below your shoulders.  It's a fairly poor setup, but sadly, it's still better than you'll find in a lot of Connecticut clubs. 

Club Setup (2/10) - This place is a dump.  They have a decent sized bar, but since they don't serve alcohol, who gives a shit?  The stage is fairly large, but its mostly unutilized with dancers going on one at a time.  They have some arcade games that look like they haven't been used in decades along with a pop-a-shot machine and some pool tables.  There's also one TV in the corner of the club, but everything about it is worse than you're imagining.  

Atmosphere (1/10) - The patrons were all really friendly, but an alcohol-free, non-BYOB place will never get a good atmosphere score. Hopefully they just couldn't get a liquor license, because I don't know why any club would think that the lack of undies is worth the lack of alcohol.

Location (2/5) - Juicee's is at the end of a dead end alley.  As you pull up, you'll be hoping that you don't run into any trouble because it seems like the type of place when you could be murdered and dumped in the weeds to never be found.  On the bright side, it is reasonably near the casinos, so it gets a few points.  

Overall - There's not a single thing that Juicee's does particularly well.  The dances are okay and the some of the dancers are friendly, but everything else is well below average.  If you're at the Connecticut casinos and are looking to go to a club, you're much better off spending the extra time to drive to Providence. 

TOTAL SCORE = 34.5

Scruples (Feasterville-Trevose, PA)

Quality of dances (N/R) – Sadly, this rating will have to be normalized because I was somehow unable to secure a dance at Scruples. To convey the absurdity of that result, a short description is necessary. I arrived at Scruples on a Sunday night around 11 PM with a group of five fun, attractive roller girls (one of whom was Pussy Control) and one other dude. After the group spent an hour at the stage (read bar; see below) drinking beers and tipping/chatting with dancers, the group decided to buy Pussy Control a couple of dances. Flashing a fistful of money, Pussy’s friend asked the hottest dancer if she’d come dance for Pussy when she got off stage. Her answer: “I don’t do lap dances. I only give private dances upstairs.” WTF?! Not deterred, Pussy’s friend moved to the next hottest dancer. Her answer: “I’m pretty tired and don’t really want to dance.” Are you fucking serious?! It’s like they hate money.

Now, while you digest that anecdote, it’s important to keep in mind a few things. One, this occurred almost two hours before closing time, so it’s not like either of these women could understandably be phoning it in for the night. Next, Pussy Control isn’t some creepy hosebeast. She’s the undisputed champion of charming the pants off of hot women; a total legend. And third, my group, and Pussy in particular, had an excellent rapport with both of the dancers in question. Their denials were inexcusable.

Beyond those two dancers, Pussy and I were unimpressed with the limited selection and unwilling to take one for the team, so no dance was had.

Quality of dancers (5.5/10) – This was definitely a pleasant surprise. One of the two dancers mentioned above was a knockout and the other wasn’t far behind. The problem, as is often the case, was a lack of consistency. The remaining two dancers crippled this score.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – Four dancers and about four times that many patrons on a Sunday night. It’s hard to shit on that ratio given that our crew made up half the clientele and Scruples isn’t exactly centrally located. Nevertheless, four dancers on a night shift is inherently weak sauce, so it can only score so high.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – A reasonable mix of body types, including some delightful lap-dance asses, but no ethnic variety. Any differences in skin tone were simply the result of white women in various states of tan.

Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – This was on its way to a mid-range score, but the story above from ‘Quality of Dances’ ensured that it could never crawl out of the bottom quartile. Also, a note to all dancers: It’s bad enough to talk about your kids, but to show pictures? Please, stop the madness.

Value (5.5/10) – “There’s never a cover at Scruples.” Those sweet words were music to my ears. Once inside, you’ll score “buckets of beer” for $5, which consist of five 8-ounce bottles of Corona/Bud Light/whatever. If we call that between three and four real beers, that’s a solid price. Beyond those perks, though, the value sucks. Stage action is particularly weak and is negatively compounded by the dreadful “tip walk” after each song.

Dance Setup (N/R) – See the explanation from ‘Quality of Dances’ above.

Club Setup (1/10) – Hard to conceive of a much worse setup. The “stages” are slightly-raised platforms outfitted with a pole that sit on the floor in the interior of an L-shaped bar. Bartenders literally have to walk around dancers to deliver drinks. Although the bar provides plenty of seating, its edges extend close enough to the wall that it’s difficult to move around the club. It’s almost certain that this used to be a pretty sweet dive bar and the owners tried to convert it to a strip joint simply by erecting a couple of poles.

Club Atmosphere (1.5/10) – For all the reasons outlined above, club atmosphere is very weak. I didn’t get a good vibe at all.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – At twenty miles outside of Philly, Scruples is far off the beaten path. So far, in fact, that the main thoroughfare in town is named Street Road. That’s right…Street Road. It only scores a one because it’s very close to the PA Turnpike and Route 1.

Overall – If you’re staying at the Crowne Plaza in Feasterville-Trevose and you’re looking for a cheap beer, then Scruples is your place. Otherwise, it’s probably not worth a visit. The one upside is that Scruples wins the award for most (unintentionally?) hilarious club name on the east coast.

TOTAL SCORE = 28 (normalized)

Kitten's (Salisbury, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – In my lengthy strip club career, I've walked out in the middle of exactly two dances. The first was during an epic night at another club when I had too much to drink and thought I was about to empty 15 beers and 3 Subway cookies on the back of a very attractive stripper. The second time was at Kitten's, but here, the only thing that made me want to vomit was the girl wiggling around on the floor in front of me. Even for air dances, these are bad.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – The girls vary from 2s to 8s, with most falling toward the bottom of that range. Still, there was one beautiful dancer and a few other acceptable girls working.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – This is a small club, so I don't expect them to have a ton of girls, but the girls that are working should at least be on the floor when they aren't dancing. On a Friday night, I saw more girls when the door to the dressing room swung open than I saw interacting with customers.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - There's a wide range of black and white girls, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. This club is no exception to the rule that the quality of dances is directly proportional to the number of Latina dancers that are working. Zero and zero.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – Most of the girls weren't too bad, but there's nothing worse than hearing a dancer who isn't earning tips say something along the lines of, "you guys here for a free show?" Also, the one shot-girl was really pushy and wouldn't take no for an answer, finally insisting that I buy her a shot if I wasn't going to buy one for myself.

Value (5.5/10) – The only good deal here is the beer. Normal beer starts at $4, but you can get 16 ounces of something that they call "Kittens Brew" for only $3. The stage value is poor, but you actually get more of a show there than you do during a $20 dance, because some of the girls here are legitimately skilled on the pole. The cover is $5 at all times.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – This was the brightest dance room that I've ever seen. All but the most shameless of strip club goers would be embarrassed to stare at a girl in this atmosphere, especially if anyone else is getting a dance at the same time. Plus, I doubt that a spotlight would be flattering even to the girls from a club like the Spearmint Rhino, but it's devastating to these girls. People in the rest of the club can't see you and there's no bouncer watching, but there are no partitions and there's at least one camera keeping tabs on the (lack of) action.

Club Setup (3/10) – There's a decent stage and a separate shower stage, but the bar is fairly small and there aren't many tables. There's a separate game room with pool tables in the back, but it was empty when I was there.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – This is more of a dive bar than a gentleman's club, and it wouldn't be a bad place to hang out it it weren't for the dancers and the shot girl constantly harassing you for money.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – This place is in the middle of nowhere, and I really can't see any situation that would justify driving here.

Overall – When $3 mystery beer is the highlight of a club, that's a problem. I really tried to like this place, just because I didn't want to rate a place called "Kitten's" worse than I rated "The Golden Banana," but they left me with no choice. This place sucks.

TOTAL SCORE = 26.5

Zachary's Pub (Mashpee, MA)

Quality of dances (3/20) – You know what to expect from the minute you walk into the place, as the dj's most frequent line is, "Now's a great time to get a dance from one of our lovely ladies. Just as a reminder, in compliance with Massachusetts state law, contact with the dancers is strictly prohibited." The club was too bright and too wide open for me to bother trying anything, but according to the girls, the rules are uniformly enforced. The dancer did make some contact with me, but even that was fairly limited.

Quality of dancers (3/10) – There really aren't many terrible girls here, but there aren't any that would be above average at a respectable club either.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – According to the dry erase board at the entrance, 5 girls were working the evening I was there, but I didn't even see that many.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – Unsurprisingly, most of the girls here are white. I did see one Asian or Latina girl during my visit.

Attitude of dancers (5/10) – The girls didn't look any happier to be here than I was, but when they got on stage, the attitudes were great. For a buck or two (usually 2 since the club gives $2 bills as change), the one dancer walked off the stage and gave short versions of her lap dance. I wish I'd known that before I bought a dance from her, but I liked the effort nonetheless.

Value (4/10) – The cover ($8 when I was there, but different by the hour) and the dances ($20) were way too high, but I can't complain about $3 drafts and solid stage shows. Just as a warning though, the stage value varied wildly from one girl to the next.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – This is about as bad of a dance setup as I've ever seen. You sit along the one wall, but it's right in the middle of the brightly lit club, within sight of the dj who keeps making announcements about the state ban on contact. They get half a point because there was a lit fireplace beside the dances, but I'm probably being too generous with that.

Club Setup (1.5/10) – The inside isn't any better than the outside. The stage is terrible, the seats are uncomfortable, and the club is comically oversized for the number of girls and patrons.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – I can't imagine ever having a good time here, but due to the reasonable beer prices, it might not be a terrible option for an after work beer if you're a local.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – There's a motel/apartments above the club, but other than that, this place is in the middle of nowhere.

Overall – The picture and the dance description tell you all that you need to know.

TOTAL SCORE = 29.5

Blue Moon Lounge (Tyngsboro, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – That’s not a misprint, my friends; this club actually managed to post a goose egg for dance quality. Technically, the rule in Massachusetts is that there be no contact between dancers and customers, but I had never seen that rule strictly enforced...until I got to the Blue Moon Lounge. My dance involved literally zero contact in either direction. Instead, the dancer stood perhaps three feet away and lethargically moved about while stripping. It was hardly different than sitting at the stage. While in the dance room, I also witnessed another dance, and it was the same deal. Yikes.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – Face-wise, the women were largely beautiful, but a few sets of torpedo tits and one mediocre cougar hurt this score. The group was highlighted by a total stunner who was christened The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish.

Number of dancers (4/10) – The mid-afternoon shift featured four dancers, which wasn’t terrible, but from talks with the DJ, the club never gets more than ten girls at night. Given the crowds that Blue Moon can draw, the ratio is definitely unfavorable.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Mostly skinny white women, with the one darker-skinned dancer noted above.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – Getting a dancer to come over was like pulling teeth at this place. Yes, it’s the day shift, and they need to work their regulars, but three dudes who arrived at the club’s opening bell and started drinking immediately shouldn’t ever be ignored for over an hour. When I did finally grab a dancer, her negative attitude was a serious downer.

Value (3/10) – From the outside, you’d think this place would present some solid value, but no dice. No cover before 6 PM and $5 after that. Mixed drinks are $6.50 and beers are now $5. They were previously $6.50 as well, so it's nice to see a club drop its prices for a change, but that's still a little on the high side for a a club in the middle of nowhere. Stage value is below average and dance value is God-awful. Very disappointing.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – Almost as bad as it gets. Dances are in a separate room, but that room sits directly adjacent to the satellite stage and isn’t walled off from the club. Patrons can simultaneously be entertained by the dancer on stage and the pained expression on your face as you receive the worst lap dance of your life. It’s criminal.

Club Setup (4/10) – I liked the two stages (even if one wasn’t being used during the day) and the raised seating on the back end of the bar, but most of the standard club seating was awkward. Seats are lined up in parallel rows facing the two stages, making it seem like you’ll be watching a fifth grade assembly rather than a woman defrocking for cash. I can’t imagine how ridiculous it looks with those seats completely filled. Even if you’re lucky enough to get one of the handful of tables, they’re almost too small to be functional and they’re spaced too close to be comfortable.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – You wouldn’t expect it from the exterior, but this place has a pretty good vibe. The lighting was nice, the DJ was responsive to requests, and the details have the requisite tackiness while still maintaining some class. On this particular day, it was filled with a large group of disrespectful shitsticks (who all work a profession for which I have little respect), but I'm told that the regular crowd tends to be pretty laid back. If the Lounge didn’t fail miserably in many other categories, I would definitely hang out here.

Club Accessibility (.5/5) – The Blue Moon Lounge is about as inaccessible as a club can be. It sits so far north in Massachusetts that if you’re long, you could hit driver->3-wood and then have an easy 7-iron to the New Hampshire border. That it’s relatively close to Route 3 and I-93 does virtually nothing to save this rating.

Overall – Not only is this club not worth your trip, it’s not even worth a stop if you’re passing by (although it’s hard to imagine why you would be). If they ever lower their drink prices and reform their dance rules, we’ll re-evaluate. Until then, the Blue Moon Lounge is crap in a hat.

TOTAL SCORE = 29.5

Update: This club is now called "The Club." According to a comment below, it has changed significantly since my review, but I haven't had a chance to confirm that yet. If you've tried it recently, let me know what you thought.

Monreal's "Encore" Gentleman's Club (Milwaukee, WI)

Quality of dances (0/20) - Before you even get into the club, you know that you will not be getting a good dance. Posted prominently on the front door is the following sign "Do not touch the dancers. Touching the Dancers is a Class E felony punishable by 9 months imprisonment or $10,000 penalty." I took my chances with the law and got a dance anyways. As one dancer appropriately said "the dances are only $10 for obvious reasons." The most contact I got from the dance was the dancer's hand bracing against my knee as the rest of her body was arm's length away, with the occasional fake tit coming within 7 inches of my face.

Quality of dancers (3/10) - That being said, these could be the most attractive women in all of Wisconsin, minus the fake bombs. Only one girl in the whole place had real tits, and the fake jobs were so bad they look like a small child sculpted them with homemade play dough. This is clearly where Steve Carrell got the line "it was like a bag of sand" in the 40 Year Old Virgin. I can proudly say that I saw the oldest woman I've ever seen dancing in a club here; however, she danced in some sort of ball gown the whole time, only showing her mummified breasts in the last 20 seconds of the song.

Number of dancers (6/10) - There were girls pouring out of every mouse hole in the building. There were at least 15 senior citizens in the bar, and there was pretty close to a 1-1 ratio of girls to old dirty men.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - Milwaukee's mixture of Latina women, old German beer maids and college students were all adequately represented. If you're into white women under the age of 46 or anything other than Hispanic women, you may be out of luck here.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) - I was only able to get two dancers to talk to me as they walked around for their "tip walk." The one was fairly friendly, and the other one talked hockey with me for at least 5 minutes, and selected a song just to taunt me for my hockey affiliations, so she seemed to enjoy her job. However, the other girl basically said that the club sucked, so it's mostly hit or miss.

Value (1/10) - $4.25 is the most I've ever paid for a PBR in my life. It won the Blue Ribbon, but not in the last 100 years. No cover, but I hear there's one at night. $10 for a dance might seem great, but you're better off driving down I-94 and buying a DVD at the trucker store for your $10. Also, no matter where you are sitting at the bar, the girls do a "tip walk" after they get off stage and expect you to give them a dollar regardless of your proximity to the stage or whether you could even see them dancing.

Dance Setup (0/10) - The room is basically just a half wall in the middle of the room with drapes over the front. There are individual chairs all next to each other with no dividers between chairs. There is some privacy, however, since no one ever gets dances here so you won't be bumping into other guys in the room. Also, the dance room shares a wall with the kitchen, so at lunch time the whole room just smells like fried fish.

Club Setup (2.5/10) - When you walk inside, it's basically just a bar; when you walk in further, there is a stage within view of half the bar, and there are seats at the stage and further away from the stage. If you aren't sitting at the stage or one of the three bar stools that face the stage, you're not going to have a great view.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) - If you are an old man, part of a welder's union, or just drink because you hate your life, you will love this place. It's in the middle of a grave yard, and has a sign telling you that you will go to jail if you touch the dancers. Also, I'm 90% sure one of the guys was wearing a prison jumpsuit. The only way you will enjoy the atmosphere is if you treat it like a bar with overpriced beers and girls walking around with their fake bombs hanging out. One small benefit is the cigar ash tray at every table, although I doubt anyone has ever smoked anything but Marlboros or Kools at this place.

Club Accessibility (4/5) - I imagine this is the only reason people come here. It is right off of I-94 by Miller Park, and only about 1 block off of the freeway. They even have a free shuttle to and from Miller Park from the club. However, two sides of building are basically surrounded by a graveyard, so you almost have to come from the freeway to get here. Unsure of public transportation access.

Overall - If you want to get a fish fry, have a beer, and look at fake tits with senior citizens, this is your spot. Otherwise, I would not recommend this club.

TOTAL SCORE = 24

The Glass Slipper (Boston, MA)

Quality of dances (6/20) - They'll grind on you, but you can't touch them. This is strictly enforced by a bouncer who stands about 5 feet away from you during the dances.

Quality of dancers (3/10) - Other than one girl who was about an 8, there wasn't anyone worth getting a dance from.

Number of dancers (4/10) - There were probably 8-10 dancers, but the douchebag-to-dancer ratio was very high.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) - Several races were represented, but few of them were represented well.

Attitude of Dancers (0/10) - "Don't look at me if you aren't going to tip." Luckily, she was unattractive enough that no one wanted to look at her anyway.

Value (2/10) - A non-negotiable $10 cover, weak $20 dances, $10 beers, and they make you buy a drink for a girl if you want to sit at a table. A 2 is a gift for this dump.

Dance Setup (1/10) - Dances are performed in a tiny room with bench-style seating along the walls. If it's crowded, you'll be bumping knees with another guy while you get the dance.

Club Setup (1/10) - There's about 3 feet of space between the stage and the bar. There aren't many tables and the whole place is cramped.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) - This is not a place to go to relax. Or to have fun. Or to do much of anything other than ask yourself, "Why didn't I just drive to Providence?" The clientele is terrible, but at least it doesn't seem at all dangerous.

Club Accessibility (5/5) - The club is accessible by the "T" or by taxi from Boston, but this isn't even a good thing. It just means that you'll eventually be tempted to go here. When you do, you'll probably try to convince yourself that it isn't as bad as this review would lead you to believe, but trust me, it is.

Overall - This is a terrible club. Please don't ever go here. And don't go to Centerfolds either. There is a $20 cover there and a 2-foot no-contact rule for dances. I refuse to waste my money there, and you should as well.

TOTAL SCORE = 27.5