Satin Dolls (Lodi, NJ)

Quality of Dances (5/20) – The grinding can be very nice, but there are two things that prevent this score from being any higher: 1) other than a little hand-to-leg touching, the contact goes only in one direction; and, 2) the bikinis stay on.  As if I needed something else to hate about New Jersey, the no nudity in a club that serves alcohol rule is brutal.

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – I’ve been told that the quality can be seriously lacking when the club is slow, but it’s been amazing during my late night visits.  They’ve almost all be young, fresh and in good shape.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – Like the dancer quality, I’ve heard that the number of dancers can vary wildly, but there have been more than enough girls working every time I’ve been there.  In addition to the two girls on the stage, there have been several girls doing the tip walk and several more working the crowd. 

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – There are a ton of Russians on the evening shift, and everyone else is white or Italian, or possibly Latinas who could pass for Italians.  I really couldn’t tell but then again, I’ve perfected judging topless women and these bikinis threw me off my game. 

Attitudes (1/10) – Dancer: “ Wannadance?” Me: “No thanks.” Dancer: “Wanna give me a tip?”  And repeat, over and over and over again from every Russian in the building.  The only extended interaction that I witnessed was a girl talking about how bad one customer smelled.  That wouldn’t be too unusual, except that she was talking to him about it.  And by “talking,” I mean saying things like, “you’re making me sick.”  In her defense, he did smell like he’d just bathed in gasoline, but that’s still shockingly bad customer service. 

Value (4/10) – The pole work is fairly impressive, but I’ve seen much better acrobatics at Cirque de Soleil.  You might think that’s an unfair comparison, but since these ladies wear just as much clothing as the circus performers, I think it’s justified.  Similarly, the $5 beers are decent for a strip club but not so good for a tittiless establishment.  And this place is tittiless.

Club Setup (3/10) – If you’re a Sopranos fan, you already know how the club is designed because this is where all of the Bada Bing scenes were filmed.  There’s a pool table off to the side, but the main area is a decent sized high ceilinged room that’s mostly filled by the large square bar.  There’s a stage a few feet away from customers in the middle of the bar, so you’ll have to ball up your ones and throw them if you want to tip during the dance.  If not, don’t worry, you’ll still get your chance to fork over some cash during the constant tip walks. 

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – You can’t see the dance area from the main club area, but that’s the only good thing that I have to say about it.  It’s a long narrow corral that’s lined on both sides with rolly chairs, so you’ll be staring right at another guy when it’s busy. 

Atmosphere (5.5/10) – Despite the constant interruptions from the tip walk crew, this is a fairly fun place to hang out.  There’s a party vibe in the evenings and crowd is decent, so it’s not a bad option if you want the Hooters experience without having to pay for shitty chicken wings.  

Location (3.5/5) – You can see Satin Dolls from I-80,  but there’s really no easy way to get there.  The entrance is off of Route 17S and it’s a real pain in the ass to get to if you drive past, so slow down and start looking to your right after you pass under I-80.  Once you get there, though, there is at least plenty of parking. 

Overall – If this place were topless, I’d say that it’s worth a visit as long as you’re capable of fighting off the Russian hustle.  The girls are hot, the beers are reasonably price, the vibe is good and the dances are decent, but the bikinis really kill it for me.  I’ll reluctantly stumble to a bikini bar during a drunken night out in Atlantic City, but I’m not navigating the maze of highways in northern Jersey to get to this place.  It might be worth a visit if you’re a die hard Sopranos fan, but, otherwise, save your cash or drive the 10 minutes to a state where you can enjoy some partial nudity with your beer. 

RAW SCORE = 39

Playhouse Lounge (Burlington, NJ)

Quality of dances (19/20) – The dances are the only reason to come here, and they are great. Most of the girls won't bother with the $20 couch dances, but for $10 more, they'll be undoing your pants within seconds of the song starting. If you refuse their offers to give you a hand, they'll still give a great dance and do their best to finish you off with the friction, though they might complain that they "really want to touch it and feel the cum."

Quality of dancers (2/10) – The quality doesn't seem to be what it was a few years ago, and even though there are enough dancers that you should be able to find one or two hot ones, the majority are old, worn, and have fake tits. If the dancers could convince their daughters to start working here, I'm fairly certain that the quality would be much higher.

Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – There are a lot of dancers here, but only a few of them could rate above a three.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – The majority of women here are Latina, but there are also plenty of white women with a few random black and Asian dancers in the mix.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – If you're looking to have a long chat with a dancer, this isn't the place for it, but the girls do aim to please. When they come up to you at the bar, most of them don't ask if they can give you a dance; they ask if they can make you cum.

Value (3/10) – There's no cover in the afternoon and you can't tip at the stage, but the girls do the dreaded tip walk. They do at least give a little action for the tips, but a tip walk is a mood killer regardless. Couch dances are technically $20, but no one gets them and most girls don't even offer them, so you'll probably be paying $30 per dance for the "VIP" room. The dances are exactly 4 minutes long regardless of how long or short the songs are, and there's a dance security guard who calls out the number of dances so that you know you won't have to deal with girls miscounting. This is a BYOB place, so that increases the value if you plan accordingly.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The couches that no one ever uses are in back of club and can only be seen by the security guy, but the real dances are in decent sized private rooms with a couch and a latching door. There is a camera in there, but it doesn't seem like anyone is monitoring that, and if they are, they clearly don't care what happens.

Club Setup (2/10) – A large bar fills the club and barely leaves enough room for customers to walk to the dance rooms in the back. The stages are inside the bar area, but they're too far from the bar to allow for any interaction between customers and dancers. Since you can't tip at the stage, the setup indirectly encourages the tip walk.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place is a shitty topless dive bar that doesn't serve alcohol. The fact that they allow you to bring your own booze helps, but I still can't imagine that anyone has ever come here for any purpose other than to cum here.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – It's near a few other clubs, but it isn't all that close to anything else. From Philly, it's a little over a half hour drive.

Overall – This place is a dump, but the dances are great and it's the only permanent club (as opposed to the primarily black city clubs that change locations every few months) in the Philly area where the girls consistently aim to leave you fully satisfied. If you don't mind older dancers, you'll love this place. You'll still probably enjoy yourself even if you do prefer younger women, but you'll be ashamed when you're done.

TOTAL SCORE = 50.5

Playground Lounge (Atlantic City, NJ)

 

Quality of Dances (7.5/20) – Solid one-way contact, and most girls allow light contact on them, but this score suffers from the fact that dancers never take their tops off. As with most Atlantic City clubs, you shouldn’t carry high expectations.

Quality of Dancers (3/10) – Nobody was a knockout, and being that there are only a handful of clubs in AC (and a shitload of hot women within 50 miles), you'd think there would be a better selection.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – There was a rotation of three girls on the stage and one who couldn’t be torn from the arms of her sugar daddy at the bar. For 2 AM, I expected much more.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Though there were only really three dancers there, there was one white girl, one black girl, and one [insert Spanish speaking country here] girl.

Attitude of Dancers (7/10) – Despite every patron looking like they wanted to drown themselves in their own misery, the girls were having a great time. It always helps that my crew is friendly and forthcoming to all dancers, but these girls were enjoying life.

Value (2/10) – The cover is $10, and beers are $6. However, no dancers really walking around hurts the overall value and the stage value outlined below kills it.

Dance Setup (5/10) – Dances are in a separate room at the back of the club. It’s pretty private and has a couple of comfy chairs, but the bouncer can sneak a peak at will. Not the worst, but certainly not the best.

Club Setup (2/10) – This place is a dive bar that isn't making much effort to look like a strip club. The "stage" is inside of the bar area, so stage value is almost non-existent. And the only place worth sitting at is the bar, so forget going with a group unless you don't feel like interacting with any of them.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – If you're here with at least 3-4 friends and know my secret, you can have some real fun. Due to the fact that the stage is not reachable, you either have to give a dollar to the bartender to give to the girl (ridiculous), or you can play a game I affectionately call "shooting hoops." Shooting hoops is when you crumple up your dollar and motion for the dancer to open the front of her G-string so you can shoot your dollar into it. The girls love this like it's a Christmas bonus and the bartenders just laugh in amazement. I'm still working on getting a prize for getting it in the hoop but no dice yet. I'm also quite sure that when there aren't any drunken groups at the Playground, it closely resembles Moe's Tavern.

Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – Right in the middle of AC, walking distance from most hotels and an easy cab ride from anywhere downtown.

Overall – This is arguably the second best club in AC, but that distinction is meaningless in a city that desperately lacks quality joints. If you're drunk, won some money gambling, and it's 3am, this is the place for you. Otherwise, it's kind of depressing, as is the fact that you can throw a rock in every direction and hit a "cash for gold" store every time.

RAW SCORE = 39.5

Bare Exposure (Atlantic City, NJ)

Quality of dances (5/20) – For the most part, hands must remain on the armrests during dances, a rule that’s often enforced by the bouncers (who basically watch everything). There is some one-way contact from the dancers, but it’s pretty weak, and they’re usually totally unengaged. And no one I know has ever been offered extras. Not even Black Magic. Finally, all dances are exactly three minutes, and this rule is never broken.

Quality of dancers (7.5/10) – The girls here are definitely fine, and not just Jersey-trash fine. Don’t worry, if you’re in to girls who apply their makeup with a paint roller, you’ll still get your fix, but you’ll also see a fair number of traditionally beautiful women.

Number of dancers (4/10) – On the one hand, there are always at least 20 dancers (probably closer to 30) at this place on weekend nights. On the other, it’s filled with 10 times that many dudes, making for an awful guy/dancer ratio. On the slower nights, the ratio is better, but still not great.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Largely American white and black girls, with some eastern Europeans peppering the mix. Almost no Central/South American women, which is just shameful.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – Pretty weak sauce here. Lots of the standard “What’s your name? Where are you from? Do you want a dance?” Dancers rarely hang around for a drink or even attempt to shoot the breeze. It’s all business. I expect much more than this. The only reason this number even rises to a three is that I once met an awesome pair of dancers during a late-afternoon shift.

Value (2/10) – It’s a $20 cover charge and an extra $5 holding fee for cell phones. These charges run all day and are totally non-negotiable. Sub-par dances are then $30, again non-negotiable. Normally, this would mean a value of zero, but the one saving grace is that it’s BYOB, which is pretty huge. Nevertheless, because everything else is so badly overpriced, I can’t rate this above a two.

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance room is a separate area near the front of the club. You have to pay the bouncer on your way in and the dancer then swipes her card. The actual room is unremarkable, with a series of standard walled-off booths. A mirror covers all walls, so the bouncer can sneak a quick look and see everything at any given time.

Club Setup (3/10) – It has a decent stage and a second single-pole platform for extra action, but the seating sucks. Once you get about twenty-five people inside, there isn’t a seat in the house. And it’s very small for a club that draws as many patrons as it does.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – Bare Exposure is invariably filled with the biggest douches and juiceheads you can imagine. Add in the fact that it’s wall-to-wall packed after 11 on weekends and the atmosphere is complete shit.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – It’s one block off the Boardwalk in the middle of Atlantic City, walkable from most hotels/casinos and a cheap cab ride from all others. You couldn’t ask for a better location.

Overall – If you’re in Atlantic City and feel the itch, this is pretty much your only option. It beats the shit out of anything else that AC has to offer, but that’s faint praise at best (note that all other clubs are “bikini clubs,” so the women never take their tops off, even during dances). My advice is this: If you insist on going to the Exposure, get yourself a couple of friends and a 30 rack and show up right when it opens (4 PM or 6 PM, depending on the day). Stake out a comfortable spot, get rocked all evening on the cheap while you shoot the shit with the early-arriving women and then quit at 11 and head out to gamble.

TOTAL SCORE = 39