Notes on Crystal City Restaurant (Arlington, VA)

As I mentioned in my Penthouse Detroit post, I'm clearing out some old notes. I'm just going to post them as is, so they won't be in full sentence and may not make any sense at all, but hopefully they're of some use to you. Just keep in mind that these aren't proper reviews - they may have been based on only 1 or 2 visits that probably took place 2-3 years ago, and I may have been extremely intoxicated. 

Club Setup (6/10) Like a restaurant. Tables with table cloth and lots of booths. Separate room enclosed by glass for cigars. Bars at both sides (small one in main area and small one in smoking section) lots of TVs, electronic board with betting odds. Seems like a place bookies would hang out but not sure? Smallish main stage with a few seats and poles at the corners but can't do pole moves on those ones. Horizontal bar at the top but not really utilized. 

Atmosphere (6/10) business crowd. Old dudes in business attire. Top 40 type music. 

Girls (6/10) Pasties and thongs. Mostly a little older but still hot. None amazing but mostly decent other than one rough one. Pasties small enough to not be bad. Some implants but not too many. 

Number (4/10) hardly any sit with customers but one on each stage and short stage sets so get to see a variety but hard to estimate #

Variety. (1.5/5) some size and age variation but mostly white with medium build.  A few thin and a few thick and one amazing part Latina/Asian?  One blond. A few black. 

Attitudes (3/10) tip walk but no pressure. Smile on stage. They take tips in their hands while doing the tip walk and pick them up off the stage so not much interaction. That's why bad score. Not actually unfriendly. Seems like should be great . Can buy dances from waitress. One dancer warned that the rules were too strict and the dance wouldn't be bad. She couldn't understand why I gave her a tip (she thought I accidentally paid twice and tried to give my money back). 

Value (5/10). No cover. $5.45 beer after tax. What strip club charges tax?!?!? Stage interaction very weak. Food decent price. $3 something for cheeseburger. $20 for 5 minutes of lapdances (based on time rather than songs)

Dance Setup (7/10) - You get a private room with a stage and a bench. There's only 1 of them so you might have to wait your turn. Nothing happens, but it's nice and private. 

Dance Quality (3/20) - You might get some let to leg contact, but that's about it from most of these girls. I was warned that they're "private dances," not "lap dances," because there will be little to no contact made with your lap. One girl apologized for how shitty Northern Virginia dances are and implied that we could have more fun after her shift, but I didn't pursue it. 

Location. (2/5) It's beside a 7-11. Street parking is a pain in the ass but there's public transportation.

Overall - Northern Virginia clubs are a waste of time, but this one is slightly less of a waste of time than most. The fact that I once lived within walking distance of this place and still only visited a few times should let you know that it isn't great though. Unless you're desperate for something in the area, save your cash and find time to drive to Baltimore. 

RAW SCORE - 43.5

Archibald's (Washington, D.C.)

Note: Despite being an East Coaster, I haven't spent much time in D.C., and during the little time that I have spent there, most of it was taken up by typical touristy shit. Up until last night, my only experience with D.C. strip clubs was being denied entry to Camelot during a visit maybe 5 years ago. The bouncer provided no justification for keeping us out, but I'm assuming it's because we looked like a bunch of kids with no money. I remember thinking what a dick move that was and swearing off D.C. clubs for life.

After I started this site, I figured I didn't have a choice but to give the city another chance...which brings us to last night. This review will be the first and last D.C. strip club review that I will ever write. I really don't even want to write it because it's such a waste of my time, but I'm hoping that by shitting on this city in the public domain, I can keep others away.

At this point, you're surely wondering what could possibly be so bad about these clubs? See below for a more detailed description, but it's pretty simple: THERE ARE NO LAP DANCES IN THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA!! WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!?!


Quality of Dances (0/20): I'm not even sure that this deserves a zero; I feel like it should be some sort of negative value. I goose-egged the Blue Moon Lounge in MA for giving air dances, but at least they're trying. Dances literally don't exist at this place (or anywhere in D.C.). I wish I could have seen the look on my face when one of the dancers filled me in on the policy. I think I would have been less shocked if she just walked up and kicked me in the nuts.

Of course, this begs the question: How do they make any money? That's where it gets worse: they tip-walk. But they don't just tip-walk the stage (see Club Setup for why that's impossible), they walk the entire club. And apparently, they make a killing. I was racking my brain trying to figure out 1) how it's possible for these girls to hustle up a decent roll without giving dances and 2) why, in God's name, anybody would go to a club without dances. Here's what I came up with.

D.C. is populated by an endless supply of wealthy, piece-of-shit, social-climbing jackoffs. Typically, these fuckheads are insecure assholes who prefer a stroke of their ego to a stroke of their cock. Also, they're the type of dicks that would frown upon lap dances as the province of the uncouth masses. For them, a naked hottie laughing at their jokes and confirming their status is like hardcore porn, and the benign nature of the interaction saves them from the cognitive dissonance associated with being a Serious Important Person who spends their time at houses of ill-repute. And so they don't mind slowly dropping a couple of bills over the course of a few hours if it makes them feel like the big, strong well-liked men that they aren't.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) - That they don't give dances is only made worse by the fact that this place is filled with talent. Pretty faces, tight bodies and real tits abound at Archibald's; the consistency is impressive, with nobody really doing any damage to the overall average. The only thing preventing this score from scraping the rating ceiling is that there weren't any true I'd-empty-my-bank-account-for-you types. If you know my reviews, then you know that I don't go for those girls anyway, but it's still nice to have them around for the viewing pleasure.

Number of Dancers (6.5/10) - The club's voice mail message boasts that 20 dancers work weekdays and 24 work the weekends, but I think they were a little short of that on this Saturday night at 6 PM. I saw perhaps 12-15 dancers, which is still a decent number for a club this small. If they truly put up 20+, then this score should probably be closer to an 8; I can't ever imagine a bad dancer to customer ratio with that number.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - Almost exclusively American white women here (with an Asian girl mixed in), which isn't surprising given the expected clientele. They score a couple of points for having great variety in body type, ranging from Salma Hayek curves to Natalie Portman angles.

Attitude of Dancers (8/10) - The job of these women is more akin to that of a Geisha than a stripper, so it's no shock that they all seem to have great attitudes. I can't say that I have a huge sample size, but the handful of dancers that I talked to were courteous, cool, and even pulled off their tip-walks without much awkwardness, which is a tall task indeed.

Value (3/10) - Only a D.C. club could score a 3 in value while never charging a cover. Miller Lites are $7 ($7.70 after tax), which isn't a Spearmint-Rhino-like $12 stickup, but isn't anything to be proud of. Dance value is non-existent, for reasons already stated, and stage value also doesn't exist (through no fault of the women; see Club Setup below).

Dance Setup (0/10) - Without dances, there can be no dance setup. Automatic zero.

Club Setup (2.5/10) - This is a below-ground club with a bar lining one side, several tables on the opposite wall and a few other tables across the floor. It's only about 20 feet wide and the ceilings are low, making it cramped in feel and difficult to navigate in function. It's also almost impossible to have any type of privacy, because every point in the club has a direct sight line to every other point. There is no proper stage to speak of. Instead, there are two slightly raised platforms (maybe 6 inches off the ground) that are a few feet wide and a few feet deep and sit against a mirrored wall. One is in the middle of the club and one is on the far side when you walk in. Each platform contains a pole and a pullup bar mounted on the ceiling, and there is no physical separation from the rest of the club. They resemble the type of thing a go-go dancer would perform on, but just much closer to the ground and closed off on one side by the wall.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) - Generally, the atmosphere here isn't bad if you're into a low-key vibe. It definitely has a classier feel than most clubs I've ever been to, similar to DiCarlo's Lounge in Albany, NY. When you walk in, you're greeted and seated by a bouncer, who informs you that cell phone use is strictly forbidden inside the club. There's no DJ, so you don't get that booming voice, and the girls don't pick their music. All music is spun from the jukebox, over which customers have control. When I was there, I didn't hear any awful choices, but I can see how giving control to patrons could badly backfire.

The real atmospheric problem here is driven by the club setup and the associated tipping issues. If you want to tip someone on the "stage," you can't just roll up, have a seat, fold your bill in half and wait. Instead, because of these weird spaces that they've set up, you have to walk up and literally stand in front of the dancer eye-to-eye. You have some short interaction and then put a bill in her g-string. Needless to say, this process is impossibly awkward for both the tipper and anyone else in the club watching. It's bad enough when you're seated close enough to a creeper that you feel his essence. Here, if you want to see the dancers, you've got to watch these guys in all their glory, standing just inches from a girl's face and engaging them. And of course, you can't go up there yourself because who wants to be that guy standing in the middle of the club getting eyed up by everyone in sight and blocking the view of the hottie. It's a total buzz kill.

Club Accessibility (5/5) - Located on K Street and just a few minute walk from the Red, Orange and Blue Metro lines (and the White House), it's hard to conceive of a better location than what Archibald's offers.

Overall - Archibald's is a gentleman's club in its purest form. You're not gonna get fired up at this place with your boys and rip tequila shots with some crazy-fun stripper. I can't imagine ever holding a bachelor party here. Its purpose is to provide the aesthetic appeal and companionship of naked beauties over a decent lunch or dinner. Nothing more. If that's your thing, more power to you, but it most definitely is not mine, so you can have Archibald's. I'm never going back.


Total Score - 38

Taboo Gentlemen's Club (Martinsburg, WV)

Quality of dances (7/20) – You can’t technically touch the dancers (they all seem fine with hands on hips or legs, just not elsewhere), but they can and will touch you. I was pleased with the grinding and boobies-in-my-face action, even if it was very much by the numbers. The girls are fully nude and eager to please, but not so eager as to offer any extras or allow full contact.

Quality of dancers (7/10) – All pretty, only one with fakies, and all with tight bodies. The lineup I saw on a slow Saturday afternoon was way above average.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – Hard to gauge given the time of the visit. There were more girls than guys in the club before a few more patrons filtered in, so my visit looked quite favorable. It sounds like this is a rare happening though; the bartender indicated that the previous night there were only five girls on, and that with the place packed.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Variety of body type gets high marks,with many shapes and sizes available. I appreciate a variety of different titty types, from big to small, firm to soft, and natural to natural-looking fakies. With only one girl sporting the implants, this looks like a win. Unfortunately, diversity consists of only one black girl.

Attitude of dancers (5/10) – Especially for their great bodies and beautiful faces, these are some of the least aggressive strippers I have encountered. They’re happy and easy to talk to, but not one of them asked if I wanted a private dance or even a drink. In my book, that's often a good thing; I prefers the subtle sell to the always-be-closing game found in most establishments. But here, the passiveness crossed the line into seeming apathy. Most were sitting around the bar and drinking or taking it easy. Perhaps they were tired from an exceptional shorthanded performance the previous evening (see Number of Dances comment), but it’s hard to believe they wanted to be on shift only to take their turns on stage once in a while.

Value (3.5/10) – Between 12pm and 2pm there is no cover, otherwise it’s $5. Drinks are $6 and served in the tiniest plastic cups obtainable. Private dances are $30 for five minutes, which is strictly enforced. I was heartened by obtaining a two for one coupon upon the paying the cover charge, but the dance seemed a bit short
of the full ten minutes. I’ll give Taboo the benefit of the doubt on that one, but it still leaves regular dances (no contact from you) at $30. There are no negotiations, as your dancer will head up to the man in charge, cut him his one third of the dance fee, and then head off with you for the allotted time. The champagne room gets you no extra contact. Yuck.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – Private dance rooms have entire couches to lie back on and are very comfortable. The rooms are right next to the bar but they all have curtains for privacy.

Club Setup (8/10) – Taboo’s layout is near ideal. The main stage has plenty of chairs at the rail, with more comfortable seating in chairs and couches behind and a section further back raised up a few steps. All the stage action is viewable from any bar seat, so you should always be able to find the girl you’re looking for.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) – This is a very laid back club. Just right if you’re not into negotiation, not interested in extras, and all right with talking to some very down to earth dancers. Too laid back if you’re wanting to get your grind on and starting to wonder if you need to yell “Where my girls at?” to get someone’s attention.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Right off route 9 in Martinsburg, WV is easy to find, but it’s a hike if you’re coming from Frederick or Hagerstown. Probably a godsend if you’re stuck in Virginia, where bottoms have to stay on and nipples have to stay covered.

Overall – I can deal with the one-way contact, but the lack of negotiation and the high prices bring down what could be a great club. The marquee outside the club makes it a point to advertise that Taboo is now serving food and there are wet t-shirt contests every Friday night. So what? I arrived at 2:10pm and still had to fork over a cover charge. Come on. The dances are paid for and done by the book, and that’s a huge downer. Just a few changes in policy would do wonders for this club, possibly enough to earn a Peter Tips seal of approval.

TOTAL SCORE = 51.5

Nite Moves (Latham, NY)

(This review was written by Pussy Control)

Quality of dances (11/20) – Dances were pleasantly average with a good amount of contact. Two way contact was encouraged and the dancer’s contact was only blocked by a small scarf placed over the receiver's groin.

Quality of dancers (5.5/10) – There are a lot of upstate NY clubs with haggard older dancers, but the ones here were a nice group of younger white blondes/brunettes and some latinas who all worked the poll like pros. A couple of the girls brought this score down, one of which was in no shape to be taking any stitch of clothing off and the other being outright rude and refusing to accept any tips from certain patrons.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – For a Monday night, the rotation was higher than expected. Over 8 dancers and a couple more that seemed to stay occupied in the private couch rooms. Although the stage setup allowed for one dancer at a time, there were plenty of ladies mingling with patrons at the tables giving mini lap dances.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) - A couple of shockingly stunning beauties here, mostly just the pretty young types you would hope to be stripping for you. Age, ethnicity, and body types were well represented on this night shift.

Attitude of dancers (5/10) – This was going to be higher, but based on being snubbed by one dancer, I could not go higher than 5. Besides this one rotten apple, the rest of the dancers were friendly and cheerful. Their post-stage time sitting with patrons at the tables giving them extra special attention and not pressuring for private dances showed their willingness to make the experience enjoyable. They do expect a tip after each dance and will work extra hard for it.

Value (2.5/10) – The $10 cover and a two drink minimum within the juice bar drag down the rating. Best value is the 2 for $30 dances. Single dances are $25 so go for the 2x and you will be much better off. Later into the night the dj stopped advertising the 2 for $30 dances, but gave the 3 for $60 deal. Just be sure you ask for the 2 for $30 when purchasing your dance token.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – I haven't seen a better dance setup in a long time. Each private dance room is a bit bigger than a standard fitting room and includes a loveseat or large comfy chair. There is a small camera which is monitored by a somewhat distracted staffer who is also watching the stage and back parking lot while flirting with the bartender. Two way contact is blocked from the camera view by the dancer's body and handsy dancers take full advantage of the opportunity to turn you on.
(Editor’s note from Peter: Though the description of this dance setup seemingly warrants a score closer to 9.5, the camera sinks it.)

Club Setup (4/10) – This is a small gentlemen's club with a mini corner juice bar. The seating centers around the single stage with one dancer at a time; this encompasses about 20 seats. The tables are spotted around the rest of the space with some hi-tops against the walls. The dj is also the bouncer and is seated at the front with his computer and mic. Private dance rooms are in an L-shape down a side hall which does give the rest of the guests a view as to who is enjoying the dancers.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – For the location, the atmosphere was better then expected. Most of the guys were on their own, but a few duos occupied the back wall and one group of poker enthusiasts were dropping bills all over the stage. The music was a wide variety since dancers had their own pick lists that the dj pulled from. Unfortunately, any place that doesn’t serve booze gets no love from Peter Tips.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – At six miles outside Albany on Route 9, Nite Moves is just outside of reasonable cab range from the city.

Overall – Latham isn't exactly a destination city, but if you’re in the greater Albany area for business or pleasure, Nite Moves offers full nudity in an intimate setting and isn’t a bad place to kill a few hours.

TOTAL SCORE = 49

DiCarlo's (Albany, NY)

Quality of dances (4/20) – Sadly, the dances at DiCarlo’s are pretty weak. Although there seems to be some wiggle room for regulars, the no-contact rules are largely enforced by dancers. I didn’t receive, nor did I witness, even a single knee or ass grind.

One interesting quirk (which provided nearly all the points for this score) is that dance prices basically operate on the honor system. When a dancer is finished with a song, she waits there and you can pay her whatever amount you like…literally any amount, including nothing. In fact, according to club rules, dancers aren’t even supposed to suggest prices. Objectively, these dances are worth no more than $5, but because I supports the industry, I recommend that patrons pay $10 per dance.

Quality of dancers (6.5/10) – For upstate New York, the women here are gorgeous. On an absolute scale, they fair poorer, but still hold their own. I'd be very surprised if a customer couldn’t find a girl to fall in love with at DiCarlo’s.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – Six dancers on a Sunday night is pretty solid for this relatively small club. From what I understand, they don’t ever get a huge number of dancers (15-20), but because I can’t imagine this place getting very packed, 10-12 should do an adequate job.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – Nary a Latina or black woman could be found amongst the blonde hair and blue eyes; an unfortunate lack of diversity. DiCarlo’s scores one point for some mild variance in body type.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – The dancers were nice enough, but none were particularly engaging. I would prefer to hear a little more game before being asked about getting a dance.

Value (4/10) – No cover before 7 PM and $5 afterwards. Miller Lites are the standard $5. A physical barrier between the stage and the floor nullifies any stage value. I'd like to say that the Name Your Price dances create significant value, but given their lack of quality, even bargain basement prices can’t save them.

Dance Setup (.5/10) – All dances take place directly on the floor of the club, usually in a shitty uncomfortable seat at one of the many tables. There’s one corner that provides the slightest bit of privacy when the club is empty, but it’s nothing to brag about.

Club Setup (4.5/10) – DiCarlo’s looks like a converted Italian restaurant, with several 4-6 person rectangular tables set up throughout the floor and a few booths near the entrance. Normally, that would be terrible, but they manage to do a decent job with what they’ve got. The stage, despite being physically blocked off from customers, is a nice design complete with a love seat and swing.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – The DJ is solid and the club has a reasonably classy feel to it. It would help if they replaced the furniture to better complement the stage and overall look of the club. They also desperately need to remove or correct the sign on the wall that reads Photo’s by “Isus” to describe a series of mounted pictures. I don’t even know where to get started with my criticism of that sign, so I'll let it speak for itself.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Located on Central Ave just a few miles outside of downtown Albany, DiCarlo’s is an easy cab ride from anywhere in the capital district.

Overall – I'd classify DiCarlo’s Lounge as a gentlemen’s club rather than a strip joint. During most hours, the women are there more as a backdrop than a main feature. That’s not necessarily a bad thing if you’re looking for a place to relax and enjoy a nice view, but club-goers shouldn’t go in expecting a rowdy time that may end up with them jizzing in their pants.

TOTAL SCORE = 38

Playhouse Lounge (Burlington, NJ)

Quality of dances (19/20) – The dances are the only reason to come here, and they are great. Most of the girls won't bother with the $20 couch dances, but for $10 more, they'll be undoing your pants within seconds of the song starting. If you refuse their offers to give you a hand, they'll still give a great dance and do their best to finish you off with the friction, though they might complain that they "really want to touch it and feel the cum."

Quality of dancers (2/10) – The quality doesn't seem to be what it was a few years ago, and even though there are enough dancers that you should be able to find one or two hot ones, the majority are old, worn, and have fake tits. If the dancers could convince their daughters to start working here, I'm fairly certain that the quality would be much higher.

Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – There are a lot of dancers here, but only a few of them could rate above a three.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – The majority of women here are Latina, but there are also plenty of white women with a few random black and Asian dancers in the mix.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – If you're looking to have a long chat with a dancer, this isn't the place for it, but the girls do aim to please. When they come up to you at the bar, most of them don't ask if they can give you a dance; they ask if they can make you cum.

Value (3/10) – There's no cover in the afternoon and you can't tip at the stage, but the girls do the dreaded tip walk. They do at least give a little action for the tips, but a tip walk is a mood killer regardless. Couch dances are technically $20, but no one gets them and most girls don't even offer them, so you'll probably be paying $30 per dance for the "VIP" room. The dances are exactly 4 minutes long regardless of how long or short the songs are, and there's a dance security guard who calls out the number of dances so that you know you won't have to deal with girls miscounting. This is a BYOB place, so that increases the value if you plan accordingly.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The couches that no one ever uses are in back of club and can only be seen by the security guy, but the real dances are in decent sized private rooms with a couch and a latching door. There is a camera in there, but it doesn't seem like anyone is monitoring that, and if they are, they clearly don't care what happens.

Club Setup (2/10) – A large bar fills the club and barely leaves enough room for customers to walk to the dance rooms in the back. The stages are inside the bar area, but they're too far from the bar to allow for any interaction between customers and dancers. Since you can't tip at the stage, the setup indirectly encourages the tip walk.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place is a shitty topless dive bar that doesn't serve alcohol. The fact that they allow you to bring your own booze helps, but I still can't imagine that anyone has ever come here for any purpose other than to cum here.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – It's near a few other clubs, but it isn't all that close to anything else. From Philly, it's a little over a half hour drive.

Overall – This place is a dump, but the dances are great and it's the only permanent club (as opposed to the primarily black city clubs that change locations every few months) in the Philly area where the girls consistently aim to leave you fully satisfied. If you don't mind older dancers, you'll love this place. You'll still probably enjoy yourself even if you do prefer younger women, but you'll be ashamed when you're done.

TOTAL SCORE = 50.5

Scruples (Feasterville-Trevose, PA)

Quality of dances (N/R) – Sadly, this rating will have to be normalized because I was somehow unable to secure a dance at Scruples. To convey the absurdity of that result, a short description is necessary. I arrived at Scruples on a Sunday night around 11 PM with a group of five fun, attractive roller girls (one of whom was Pussy Control) and one other dude. After the group spent an hour at the stage (read bar; see below) drinking beers and tipping/chatting with dancers, the group decided to buy Pussy Control a couple of dances. Flashing a fistful of money, Pussy’s friend asked the hottest dancer if she’d come dance for Pussy when she got off stage. Her answer: “I don’t do lap dances. I only give private dances upstairs.” WTF?! Not deterred, Pussy’s friend moved to the next hottest dancer. Her answer: “I’m pretty tired and don’t really want to dance.” Are you fucking serious?! It’s like they hate money.

Now, while you digest that anecdote, it’s important to keep in mind a few things. One, this occurred almost two hours before closing time, so it’s not like either of these women could understandably be phoning it in for the night. Next, Pussy Control isn’t some creepy hosebeast. She’s the undisputed champion of charming the pants off of hot women; a total legend. And third, my group, and Pussy in particular, had an excellent rapport with both of the dancers in question. Their denials were inexcusable.

Beyond those two dancers, Pussy and I were unimpressed with the limited selection and unwilling to take one for the team, so no dance was had.

Quality of dancers (5.5/10) – This was definitely a pleasant surprise. One of the two dancers mentioned above was a knockout and the other wasn’t far behind. The problem, as is often the case, was a lack of consistency. The remaining two dancers crippled this score.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – Four dancers and about four times that many patrons on a Sunday night. It’s hard to shit on that ratio given that our crew made up half the clientele and Scruples isn’t exactly centrally located. Nevertheless, four dancers on a night shift is inherently weak sauce, so it can only score so high.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – A reasonable mix of body types, including some delightful lap-dance asses, but no ethnic variety. Any differences in skin tone were simply the result of white women in various states of tan.

Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – This was on its way to a mid-range score, but the story above from ‘Quality of Dances’ ensured that it could never crawl out of the bottom quartile. Also, a note to all dancers: It’s bad enough to talk about your kids, but to show pictures? Please, stop the madness.

Value (5.5/10) – “There’s never a cover at Scruples.” Those sweet words were music to my ears. Once inside, you’ll score “buckets of beer” for $5, which consist of five 8-ounce bottles of Corona/Bud Light/whatever. If we call that between three and four real beers, that’s a solid price. Beyond those perks, though, the value sucks. Stage action is particularly weak and is negatively compounded by the dreadful “tip walk” after each song.

Dance Setup (N/R) – See the explanation from ‘Quality of Dances’ above.

Club Setup (1/10) – Hard to conceive of a much worse setup. The “stages” are slightly-raised platforms outfitted with a pole that sit on the floor in the interior of an L-shaped bar. Bartenders literally have to walk around dancers to deliver drinks. Although the bar provides plenty of seating, its edges extend close enough to the wall that it’s difficult to move around the club. It’s almost certain that this used to be a pretty sweet dive bar and the owners tried to convert it to a strip joint simply by erecting a couple of poles.

Club Atmosphere (1.5/10) – For all the reasons outlined above, club atmosphere is very weak. I didn’t get a good vibe at all.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – At twenty miles outside of Philly, Scruples is far off the beaten path. So far, in fact, that the main thoroughfare in town is named Street Road. That’s right…Street Road. It only scores a one because it’s very close to the PA Turnpike and Route 1.

Overall – If you’re staying at the Crowne Plaza in Feasterville-Trevose and you’re looking for a cheap beer, then Scruples is your place. Otherwise, it’s probably not worth a visit. The one upside is that Scruples wins the award for most (unintentionally?) hilarious club name on the east coast.

TOTAL SCORE = 28 (normalized)

Playground Lounge (Atlantic City, NJ)

 

Quality of Dances (7.5/20) – Solid one-way contact, and most girls allow light contact on them, but this score suffers from the fact that dancers never take their tops off. As with most Atlantic City clubs, you shouldn’t carry high expectations.

Quality of Dancers (3/10) – Nobody was a knockout, and being that there are only a handful of clubs in AC (and a shitload of hot women within 50 miles), you'd think there would be a better selection.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – There was a rotation of three girls on the stage and one who couldn’t be torn from the arms of her sugar daddy at the bar. For 2 AM, I expected much more.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Though there were only really three dancers there, there was one white girl, one black girl, and one [insert Spanish speaking country here] girl.

Attitude of Dancers (7/10) – Despite every patron looking like they wanted to drown themselves in their own misery, the girls were having a great time. It always helps that my crew is friendly and forthcoming to all dancers, but these girls were enjoying life.

Value (2/10) – The cover is $10, and beers are $6. However, no dancers really walking around hurts the overall value and the stage value outlined below kills it.

Dance Setup (5/10) – Dances are in a separate room at the back of the club. It’s pretty private and has a couple of comfy chairs, but the bouncer can sneak a peak at will. Not the worst, but certainly not the best.

Club Setup (2/10) – This place is a dive bar that isn't making much effort to look like a strip club. The "stage" is inside of the bar area, so stage value is almost non-existent. And the only place worth sitting at is the bar, so forget going with a group unless you don't feel like interacting with any of them.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – If you're here with at least 3-4 friends and know my secret, you can have some real fun. Due to the fact that the stage is not reachable, you either have to give a dollar to the bartender to give to the girl (ridiculous), or you can play a game I affectionately call "shooting hoops." Shooting hoops is when you crumple up your dollar and motion for the dancer to open the front of her G-string so you can shoot your dollar into it. The girls love this like it's a Christmas bonus and the bartenders just laugh in amazement. I'm still working on getting a prize for getting it in the hoop but no dice yet. I'm also quite sure that when there aren't any drunken groups at the Playground, it closely resembles Moe's Tavern.

Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – Right in the middle of AC, walking distance from most hotels and an easy cab ride from anywhere downtown.

Overall – This is arguably the second best club in AC, but that distinction is meaningless in a city that desperately lacks quality joints. If you're drunk, won some money gambling, and it's 3am, this is the place for you. Otherwise, it's kind of depressing, as is the fact that you can throw a rock in every direction and hit a "cash for gold" store every time.

RAW SCORE = 39.5

Bare Exposure (Atlantic City, NJ)

Quality of dances (5/20) – For the most part, hands must remain on the armrests during dances, a rule that’s often enforced by the bouncers (who basically watch everything). There is some one-way contact from the dancers, but it’s pretty weak, and they’re usually totally unengaged. And no one I know has ever been offered extras. Not even Black Magic. Finally, all dances are exactly three minutes, and this rule is never broken.

Quality of dancers (7.5/10) – The girls here are definitely fine, and not just Jersey-trash fine. Don’t worry, if you’re in to girls who apply their makeup with a paint roller, you’ll still get your fix, but you’ll also see a fair number of traditionally beautiful women.

Number of dancers (4/10) – On the one hand, there are always at least 20 dancers (probably closer to 30) at this place on weekend nights. On the other, it’s filled with 10 times that many dudes, making for an awful guy/dancer ratio. On the slower nights, the ratio is better, but still not great.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Largely American white and black girls, with some eastern Europeans peppering the mix. Almost no Central/South American women, which is just shameful.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – Pretty weak sauce here. Lots of the standard “What’s your name? Where are you from? Do you want a dance?” Dancers rarely hang around for a drink or even attempt to shoot the breeze. It’s all business. I expect much more than this. The only reason this number even rises to a three is that I once met an awesome pair of dancers during a late-afternoon shift.

Value (2/10) – It’s a $20 cover charge and an extra $5 holding fee for cell phones. These charges run all day and are totally non-negotiable. Sub-par dances are then $30, again non-negotiable. Normally, this would mean a value of zero, but the one saving grace is that it’s BYOB, which is pretty huge. Nevertheless, because everything else is so badly overpriced, I can’t rate this above a two.

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance room is a separate area near the front of the club. You have to pay the bouncer on your way in and the dancer then swipes her card. The actual room is unremarkable, with a series of standard walled-off booths. A mirror covers all walls, so the bouncer can sneak a quick look and see everything at any given time.

Club Setup (3/10) – It has a decent stage and a second single-pole platform for extra action, but the seating sucks. Once you get about twenty-five people inside, there isn’t a seat in the house. And it’s very small for a club that draws as many patrons as it does.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – Bare Exposure is invariably filled with the biggest douches and juiceheads you can imagine. Add in the fact that it’s wall-to-wall packed after 11 on weekends and the atmosphere is complete shit.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – It’s one block off the Boardwalk in the middle of Atlantic City, walkable from most hotels/casinos and a cheap cab ride from all others. You couldn’t ask for a better location.

Overall – If you’re in Atlantic City and feel the itch, this is pretty much your only option. It beats the shit out of anything else that AC has to offer, but that’s faint praise at best (note that all other clubs are “bikini clubs,” so the women never take their tops off, even during dances). My advice is this: If you insist on going to the Exposure, get yourself a couple of friends and a 30 rack and show up right when it opens (4 PM or 6 PM, depending on the day). Stake out a comfortable spot, get rocked all evening on the cheap while you shoot the shit with the early-arriving women and then quit at 11 and head out to gamble.

TOTAL SCORE = 39

Diva's (Kearneysville, WV)

Quality of dances (13/20) - It varies from girl to girl, but most of the dances are full contact, and a moderate grind seems to be standard.

Quality of dancers (6/10) - This place is full of West Virginia 9's, which means it's about a 6 overall.

Number of dancers (4.5/10) - There are usually 2 girls on stage, but there aren't enough walking around the club, and the dancer-to-customer ratio can go downhill quickly as the evening goes on.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) - Diva's has almost exclusively white dancers, but that's probably to be expected in West Virginia. At least they sometimes have some Russian ladies to mix it up a little bit.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) - Other than complaining about the local guys who come in and never spend any money, the attitudes are good. The lack of people getting dances has worked out in my favor though, because one Russian gave me a solid free dance in the corner of the main room "to show the other guys how good the dances are." I tried to at least give her a tip, and she wouldn't accept it. I don't think it worked to get anyone else to buy a dance, but I was so impressed that I bought a few from her. Maybe that was her plan all along, but I still thought it was worth a few points.

Value (5/10) - The cover and drinks are reasonable, but the lap dances are a little bit overpriced. I'm not a huge fan of table dances, but they're $5 and seem to be the most popular choice.

Dance Setup (8.5/10) - The dance rooms are great. You get a comfortable chair or a couch in your own decent sized room with a curtain covering the opening. There aren't many of these rooms, but not many people get dances, so it's not a problem.

Club Setup (2/10) - The seating is fairly cramped around the stage and the chairs suck. This wouldn't be too big of a deal, but if they're going to try to sell dances at the tables, they should at least make enough space for it.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) - This is a fully nude club with decent stage action. The atmosphere takes a big hit, though, because there seems to be some tension between the Mexican guys in the crowd and the older white guys. Also, 18 year-olds are allowed in without a wristband, so there are lots of jackasses hanging around.

Club Accessibility (0/5) - The club is about half way between Martinsburg and Charles Town, West Virginia, so it really earned this "0."

Overall - I wouldn't bother driving too far to get here, but it's easily the best club I have seen in the area, and is worth a visit if you're nearby.

TOTAL SCORE = 48.5

Fairways Inn (Smyrna, DE) - CLOSED

Quality of dances - If I'd known at the time that I'd be writing a review, I'd have bitten the bullet and gotten a dance. Sadly, I did not, so I'll have to normalize the club's total score at the end.

Quality of dancers (1.5/10) - I'm fairly certain that I was the only one in the bar under the age of 30, dancers included. I guess they aren't bad for old chicks, but that's still not good.

Number of dancers (2/10) - I never saw more than 3 women here, but I never wanted to see more than 3 topless women from Smyrna, so that's fine. I've never seen too many customers here either, so the ratio's always been acceptable.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) - The only non-white dancer I ever saw was an Asian woman who somehow still managed to be white trash.

Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) - The local guys come here all the time just to talk to the girls. That probably says more about the guys than it does about the girls, but everyone seems to be friendly. One time I was there, a dancer even insisted that she drive a customer home because it wasn't safe for him to be on the roads considering that he could barely stay on top of his chair.

Value (6/10) - There's no cover and the beer is cheap enough that I was able to convince myself that it was worth going here more than once.

Dance Setup - I didn't see a dance area, but I wasn't looking for one, so I can't rate this.

Club Setup (2/10) - Fairways is a small club, but they still manage to waste a lot of space. My memory is a little hazy, but I'm pretty sure that they have a pool table or two.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) - If you'd take away the dancers, this would be a fairly decent dive bar. When you add topless women, my expectations are raised, so I can't give the atmosphere more than a 4.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) - There's a roach motel next door to the club, but considering that the only thing Smyrna's known for is its state prison, it isn't really somewhere that you'd plan a trip to.

Overall - Although this is the only non-pastie bar in Delaware, I can't recommend it as a strip club. If you're just looking for somewhere to get a drink and break up a long drive home from the beach, it's not too bad.

TOTAL SCORE = 33