Blue Moon Lounge (Tyngsboro, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – That’s not a misprint, my friends; this club actually managed to post a goose egg for dance quality. Technically, the rule in Massachusetts is that there be no contact between dancers and customers, but I had never seen that rule strictly enforced...until I got to the Blue Moon Lounge. My dance involved literally zero contact in either direction. Instead, the dancer stood perhaps three feet away and lethargically moved about while stripping. It was hardly different than sitting at the stage. While in the dance room, I also witnessed another dance, and it was the same deal. Yikes.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – Face-wise, the women were largely beautiful, but a few sets of torpedo tits and one mediocre cougar hurt this score. The group was highlighted by a total stunner who was christened The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish.

Number of dancers (4/10) – The mid-afternoon shift featured four dancers, which wasn’t terrible, but from talks with the DJ, the club never gets more than ten girls at night. Given the crowds that Blue Moon can draw, the ratio is definitely unfavorable.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Mostly skinny white women, with the one darker-skinned dancer noted above.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – Getting a dancer to come over was like pulling teeth at this place. Yes, it’s the day shift, and they need to work their regulars, but three dudes who arrived at the club’s opening bell and started drinking immediately shouldn’t ever be ignored for over an hour. When I did finally grab a dancer, her negative attitude was a serious downer.

Value (3/10) – From the outside, you’d think this place would present some solid value, but no dice. No cover before 6 PM and $5 after that. Mixed drinks are $6.50 and beers are now $5. They were previously $6.50 as well, so it's nice to see a club drop its prices for a change, but that's still a little on the high side for a a club in the middle of nowhere. Stage value is below average and dance value is God-awful. Very disappointing.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – Almost as bad as it gets. Dances are in a separate room, but that room sits directly adjacent to the satellite stage and isn’t walled off from the club. Patrons can simultaneously be entertained by the dancer on stage and the pained expression on your face as you receive the worst lap dance of your life. It’s criminal.

Club Setup (4/10) – I liked the two stages (even if one wasn’t being used during the day) and the raised seating on the back end of the bar, but most of the standard club seating was awkward. Seats are lined up in parallel rows facing the two stages, making it seem like you’ll be watching a fifth grade assembly rather than a woman defrocking for cash. I can’t imagine how ridiculous it looks with those seats completely filled. Even if you’re lucky enough to get one of the handful of tables, they’re almost too small to be functional and they’re spaced too close to be comfortable.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – You wouldn’t expect it from the exterior, but this place has a pretty good vibe. The lighting was nice, the DJ was responsive to requests, and the details have the requisite tackiness while still maintaining some class. On this particular day, it was filled with a large group of disrespectful shitsticks (who all work a profession for which I have little respect), but I'm told that the regular crowd tends to be pretty laid back. If the Lounge didn’t fail miserably in many other categories, I would definitely hang out here.

Club Accessibility (.5/5) – The Blue Moon Lounge is about as inaccessible as a club can be. It sits so far north in Massachusetts that if you’re long, you could hit driver->3-wood and then have an easy 7-iron to the New Hampshire border. That it’s relatively close to Route 3 and I-93 does virtually nothing to save this rating.

Overall – Not only is this club not worth your trip, it’s not even worth a stop if you’re passing by (although it’s hard to imagine why you would be). If they ever lower their drink prices and reform their dance rules, we’ll re-evaluate. Until then, the Blue Moon Lounge is crap in a hat.

TOTAL SCORE = 29.5

Update: This club is now called "The Club." According to a comment below, it has changed significantly since my review, but I haven't had a chance to confirm that yet. If you've tried it recently, let me know what you thought.