Mardi Gras Club (Springfield, MA)

Quality of dances (9/20) – The communal dance room prevents anyone from being too free with the two-way contact, but most of the girls are fine with customers touching theirs legs and asses during the dances, and almost all of the girls give a solid grind. The dances are fully nude, but it takes most of the first song for the clothes to come off. I did witness one girl really getting after it with a customer, but other dancers promptly ratted her out because she was removing the incentive for people to spend big cash in the VIP room. The girls imply that you'll be satisfied in the VIP area upstairs, but I've never confirmed that.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – A lot of the girls have nice faces and decent bodies, but shitty boob jobs ruin at least half the girls in the place. The percentage of fake tits is so high that I used to assume that management demanded that everyone get work done, but the same guy runs the largely silicone-free Anthony's in South Hadley, so I have no idea what's going on. It really is a shame though. I'll take nice perky Bs or even flapjacks over implants anyday.

Number of dancers (6/10) – There seem to be about 15 dancers whether the club is busy or not, but there are often so many guys in the place that it still isn’t enough for you to get much one-on-one attention.  Still, there are always several girls on stage at a time, so you'll have plenty to look at to keep yourself entertained while you wait.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – You’ll find plenty of black, white and Latina girls, and plenty of thick and thin girls here. What you won’t find is more than a few sets of real tits.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – The girls are generally good about counting dances and don't hustle too much, but they just don’t look like they’re enjoying being on stage. Of course, the stage is a death-trap, so I can’t really blame them too much for that.

Value (4/10) – Drinks are reasonable and dances are $25, but the cover can be up to $10 in the evenings and you may have to pay $5 to park in the lot if you don't want to park on the street. Lot parking is free at times, but I'm not sure of the exact schedule.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There’s a large, open, brightly lit room where everyone gets dances. The only reasons that I gave them half a point are that people at the bar can't see you and there are dividers along the benches, so at least you aren’t bumping knees with other dudes.

Club Setup (6.5/10) – Mardi Gras is huge and the New Orleans theme runs throughout the club. I took off a few points because of a lack of large tables, but overall, I really liked their unique design. The bar takes up most of the main room, and the stage is inside the bar, but it comes right up to some of the chairs and within about a foot of the others. There are trenches all through the stage where the bar tenders walk to give you your drinks, and it's hard to blame the dancers for being afraid that they’ll fall off while drunk. To get onto the stage, the girls have to climb up a little ladder like you use to get out of a swimming pool. The design may be the least practical I've ever seen, but it does allow for some great views of the fully nude action. Almost everyone sits at the bar, but there is also a large open room with a few pool tables off to the side and there's an area in the back that's setup more like a restaurant, and it's a decent option if you don't like sitting stage-side.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – This is one of the few Massachusetts clubs that I wouldn’t mind staying at for a few hours. The music’s good, the drinks are reasonable, the girls don’t pester you too much for dances, and the stage always has at least 3 girls on it. There was a murder here in early ’09, but that seems to have been an anomaly, as the crowd seems perfectly safe now.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – The club is right in downtown Springfield, which is really only a good thing if you live there. There are a few hotels nearby, but I don't think that Mardi Gras is quite good enough to justify making a visit an overnight trip.

Overall – If you aren't interested in getting a VIP dance, Mardi Gras is pretty good club by Massachusetts standards. If you're willing to drop some cash, it's quite possibly even better.

TOTAL SCORE = 50.5

Ten's Show Club (Salisbury, MA)

Quality of dances (2/20) – The dances here are a huge disappointment. Almost everything else about the club is average or better, but my hands were planted firmly at my sides and the girl never worked her way beyond mid-thigh.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – I know someone who now refers to the Ten's as the Fours, reflecting the club's fall from grace in dancer quality. I don't think it's quite that bad, but I can't rate them above average these days.  The dancers' bodies are still tight, but it seems that most of the pretty faces have left for greener pastures. This is especially depressing because the Ten's used to have some of the best talent in Massachusetts. There is one caveat: because this is a beachfront club, it's very possible that the hotties leave for the winter because of slowed business and then roll back in when the sun comes out. I'll give it another shot in June and see if that hypothesis is supported.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – When I was here last year on a Friday evening, the club was overflowing with dancers; there were at least as many dancers as customers. Last night, however, the ratio was less favorable. Perhaps 12-15 dancers were working, which is a light workforce for a club of this size. 

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - With the exception of a few exotic outliers, the vast majority of women here are white. Still, there's a wide enough variety of body types and hair colors to keep anyone interested.

Attitude of dancers (7.5/10) – It's rare to find girls at this classy of a club who are this down to earth. They don't mind spending some time with the customers, and the sales pitch is subtle or non-existent. One girl sat and talked to me for 20 minutes, and without trying to sell me on a dance, eventually said, "I guess I should get back to work now," then left to talk to other customers. I know she was working when she was talking to me too, but it's a nice approach that more girls should use. Also, despite there being little contact at the stage (see the Value score below), dancers tend to be very interactive and playful up there, which is fun.

Value (3/10) – The cover and the drinks are steep at $10 ($5 before 7 PM and $15 after 9 PM) and $6 (Miller Lite, of course) respectively, and there's not much contact at the stage or in the dances. The lap dances are $20, but they're no different than the $10 table dances.

Dance Setup (2/10) – You can either sit in a chair in the back of the club or in a chair on the 2nd floor. There aren't usually many people on the 2nd floor, so it could be worse, but the dance setup it still pretty bad.

Club Setup (9/10) – This is a large circular club with a bar around about half of the outside of the circle. There's a large clover-leaf stage in the center of the club, and it's surrounded by plenty of tables and chairs. The second floor is mainly set up for viewing the three huge televisions on the wall, but there's also a balcony that overlooks the main stage. I didn't see the third floor, but apparently it's usually available for private parties. Ignoring the shitty dance setup, the rest of this club has by far the best design of any club in the state, and is one of the most well-designed clubs I've ever been to. 

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – For an upscale club, this place actually still has a fairly relaxed atmosphere. In addition to the friendly dancers, there are always massage girls and often groups of curious women who wander in from the beach. The pole dancing used to be superb, but it appears to have taken a turn for the worse. Preston is still making it happen up there, as are a couple of other women.However, they're the exception these days, not the rule.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Salisbury isn't really close to anything else, but if you're going to Salisbury beach, the club is right beside it.

Overall – Ten's Show Club is by far the best upscale club in Massachusetts. The dances are legitimately awful and the drinks are overpriced, but those are my only real complaints about the place. If you want to introduce a girl to strip clubs or are in the mood to look but not touch, there really isn't a better option in Massachusetts.

TOTAL SCORE = 47

Centerfolds 2000 (North Oxford, MA)

Quality of dances (4/20) – True to the general Massachusetts trend of the-hotter-the-dancers-the-worse-the-dances, Centerfolds dances are pretty brutal. No contact from customer to dancer, and minimal contact from her to you. Don’t expect to be satisfied here.

Quality of dancers (7.5/10) – I’m not sure what draws them here (perhaps the assurance that they won’t get groped by creeps), but the crop of dancers at CF2K is pretty incredible for Massachusetts. Although they don't live up to the DJ's aggressive claim of "the hottest dancers in the world," many rank among the hottest that I've seen in New England.

Number of dancers (7/10) – There were perhaps 15-20 girls on a weeknight, much better than my last visit and the dancer to customer ratio was excellent. But their weak performance last time prevents them from really making some noise here. Also, given that I visited just a few days before Christmas, I have a sneaking suspicion that the number of dancers was artificially inflated by a bunch of women working an extra shift to bank some money for holiday presents.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – Almost exclusively skinny white women who, as readers know, are way outside of my wheelhouse. On my second visit, there was also an unfortunate abundance of fake bombs, my least favorite kind. Especially disappointing was the single gorgeous Indonesian dancer whose enormous well-shaped cans were later discovered to be imposters.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – A complete 180 from a year ago. Within two minutes of sitting, each guy in my party had a girl sitting with him or on him. No one was pushy about dances, and only one girl was venomous after being turned down. The servers were likewise cool, and I was even able to coax one waitress into working a stage set, a feat attempted by many but accomplished by few. It's also a huge plus that my first featured dancer, Shelby, is back gracing the stage at CF2K. Still, further research is needed for a better average score and I can't totally disregard how terrible the attitudes were a year ago.

Value (2/10) – Miller Lites are just under $5 and the cover is $7 before 5 PM ($14 when they have feature dancers). Dances are 2 for 1 until 7 PM every day, but that’s hardly any consolation. My first dance was so bad that I almost didn’t even want a second. And stage value is minimal for most dancers.

Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are conducted on wall benches in slightly raised areas along both sides of the club, in plain view of nearly every person in there. Since I first reviewed this club, it appears they've dimmed the lights in the dance area and added some translucent curtains (bumping the score slightly), but it's still not enough to shield you from onlookers. Call me picky, but if I’m gonna get a shitty dance, I’d at least like a modicum of privacy. Centerfolds 2000 offers none.

Club Setup (7/10) – Despite the awful dance setup, CF2K’s overall design is solid. Plenty of seating, however uncomfortable, at the stage and on the floor surrounding it, good table space, and enough private spots to hang out and drain a few beers. I also like that the bar hangs off the back of the club in a large outcropping, preventing the logjam of douche pickles that often happens during busy hours at clubs.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) – [From my first review] Having spent the better part of my 20’s in strip joints, I understand – and have come to accept – the reality that many dancers/DJ’s have terrible taste in music (I once heard Smooth Operator TWICE in one night). No matter where you are, you’ll invariably be forced to listen to a handful of abominations by the likes of Kid Rock, Nickelback or their equivalents. But CF2K took it to another level. For the first 45 minutes, literally every song was cringe-worthy material. And even after I tipped the DJ to play a few favorites (a move that never fails), the DJ only squeezed in one request amongst the rubbish. This musical misfortune is especially sad because the club has an otherwise good feel to it.

Having given this place a second chance, I'll say that the musical choices weren't nearly as bad this time through. However, there's still way too much rock and crappy pop (Black Eyed Peas), and not nearly enough Lil Wayne.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Located almost ten miles outside of Worcester, Centerfolds 2000 isn't really in acceptable taxi range. It probably deserves worse than a 2, but because Worcester is very much a driving city, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.

Overall – Centerfolds 2000 has great potential, but I don't think they'll ever put it all together. I can really only imagine three scenarios where I'd recommend sending you to CF2K:

1) You're looking to take a somewhat-square, shy-ish girl to her first strip club. This place is a great bet for that type of thing.

2) You love Nickelback and white brunettes, and hate lap dances.

3) You want to meet and get a dance from Featured Dancer Shelby.

Otherwise, I'd say it's not worth your time.

TOTAL SCORE = 42.5

Scores (Springfield, MA) - CLOSED

Quality of Dances (16/20) – Upon sitting down for my first dance here, the girl immediately reached to unzip my pants.  When I told her that I just wanted a standard aggressive dance, she said most of the girls there would "probably shit themselves" when they find out that a customer wasn't interested in a handie.  The score would be higher, but the actual dances are a little disappointing since actual dancing doesn't appear to be a focus here.   

Quality of Dancers (1.5/10) – As you'd expect at an urban club such as this, most of the girls are on the larger side. In fact, when they were the Club 418, they advertised that they had the "Biggest Girls in New England." I don't think they quite earn that title anymore (a few of the Bridgeport clubs are the current favorites for that distinction), but they're certainly in the running. Some of the girls are disgusting, but a few are tolerable and you'll usually be able to find a girl or two worth getting a dance from.  This number would go up to around a 4 if there was any quality control whatsoever, but there's not.    

Number of Dancers (5/10) – This is a small club and the number of dancers is about what you'd expect, but the dancer-to-customer ratio is always favorable, rarely falling far below 1-to-1.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) - I've only see black and white dancers here, but there's a wide variety of body types (emphasis on wide).

Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls are reasonably friendly, but I had to hear a few too many sob stories about car troubles and the other customary "please give me a good tip" topics. On a more positive note, this isn't the type on place that's going to get a lot of random visitors, so they try particularly hard to keep the regulars happy.

Value (5.5/10) – The drinks and nighttime cover are a fairly standard 4 or 5 dollars each, and you'll get a needlessly graphic stage show for a buck or two, but the "dances" are what will make or break the value of this place for most customers.  Twenty five dollars is a lot for a lap dance, but it's not much for the other services that they're provide during the "dances," so the value really depends on what you're looking for.  I was quoted $130 for the VIP dances, but you might be able to negotiate a better value if you try.  I definitely did not, because I had no interest in engaging in what I suspect happens back there with these ladies for any price.  

Dance Setup (1/10) – There's a small curtained off area in the back of the club for the regular dances, but you're not shielded at all from other dance customers and people at some parts of the bar can see you as well.  If you're willing to drop some more cash for the VIP dances, you get a couch inside a curtained booth, but you'd be better off just going somewhere else if you're even considering spending more than $50.

Club Setup (0.5/10) – This place is a dump.  There are one or two tables, but everyone sits at the large bar, and the stage is inside the bar.  There's a channel down the center of the stage so the bartender can try to reach across the stage to pass customers drinks, but it's a really poorly thought-out setup.  

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This is the old Club 418 which shut down for about a year after several people were shot here in 2009.  The club has a different name and a metal detector, but not a whole lot else has changed.  It doesn't seem all that dangerous here during the day, but this isn't a club that I'd have any interest in visiting at night.  They also lose points because of the half hour stage sets, and they don't even allow girls end their sets early if a customer asks them for a dance.  It's not quiet as bad as it sounds since several girls dance at a time, but it's a ridiculous policy that doesn't benefit the dancers or the customers. I have to believe the policy will be short-lived though, so it may not be an issue by the time you're reading this.      

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – This club is in downtown Springfield and isn't all that far from a few hotels, but it isn't in the greatest area.  I wouldn't recommend getting stupid drunk here anyway though, so the fact that you'll probably be driving to get to Scores isn't a huge problem.

Overall – If you're looking for high-mileage lap dances, this place is a solid, if somewhat dangerous, option.  If you're looking for anything else, you're better off going elsewhere.

TOTAL SCORE = 40.5

Note: Scores was formerly known as Lace and Club 418.  It exploded on November 23, 2012.

The Other Side (Fitchburg, MA) CLOSED

Quality of dances (6/20) – With a no-touching policy in effect, The Other Side is limited in its potential for dance quality, but the grind isn't bad, so at least they're trying to make the best out of a bad situation. I almost want to give them an extra point because my dance came from our waitress (who was trying to make the transition into a dancer), but really, novelty is no substitute for quality, and the dance speaks for itself.

Quality of dancers (4.5/10) – When this club was originally reviewed in early 2009, it laid an egg and posted a zero in this category. However, on my more recent trip, there were a handful of attractive dancers who may not have been 10's, but certainly deserve a little love.

Number of dancers (2.5/10) – Three dancers on a Thursday evening is unacceptable, even for this moderately-sized, off-the-beaten-path club.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – On my first visit, I saw a couple of black dancers, but on my more recent trip, it was skinny white girls only. I expect more diversity than that, even in Fitchburg.

Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – At least two dancers were pretty fun, hanging out and shooting the shit while they waited for their turn on stage. Interestingly, while they were both aggressively hustling drinks, neither was hustling dances, which was nice.

Value (4/10) – $5 cover at all times, which is exactly $5 too much. We're in Fitchburg, people; don't flatter yourselves or your club. Beers were $3.50, stage action was mediocre. If you're looking to get drunk, the value is solid. But they could do better.

Dance Setup (0/10) – There is no actual dance room at The Other Side. It's more of a raised area that's further away from the stage. There are no partitions separating it from the rest of the floor and there's nothing to prevent the local mustached creeper on the other side of the club from watching you get grinded on.

Club Setup (4/10) – The setup isn't good, but it's not terrible. Sort of standard. Ample seating at the stage, some low-top and high-top tables surrounding it, a bar on the far side. Nothing really to complain about here, but nothing to rave about either.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place has got a dive bar vibe, similar to Lamplighter II in Worcester but a little classier. Nothing remarkable to mention.

Club Accessibility (.5/5) – Almost 40 minutes outside of Worcester, The Other Side is in the middle of nowhere. It only avoids a zero because of its proximity to Route 2 and 190.

Overall – The Other Side is a not a destination strip club. In fact, it's hardly a stop-in-on-your-way-through-town strip club. I will probably never go back and would only recommend it to those who live in Fitchburg and don't own a car.

TOTAL SCORE = 31

Kitten's (Salisbury, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – In my lengthy strip club career, I've walked out in the middle of exactly two dances. The first was during an epic night at another club when I had too much to drink and thought I was about to empty 15 beers and 3 Subway cookies on the back of a very attractive stripper. The second time was at Kitten's, but here, the only thing that made me want to vomit was the girl wiggling around on the floor in front of me. Even for air dances, these are bad.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – The girls vary from 2s to 8s, with most falling toward the bottom of that range. Still, there was one beautiful dancer and a few other acceptable girls working.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – This is a small club, so I don't expect them to have a ton of girls, but the girls that are working should at least be on the floor when they aren't dancing. On a Friday night, I saw more girls when the door to the dressing room swung open than I saw interacting with customers.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - There's a wide range of black and white girls, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. This club is no exception to the rule that the quality of dances is directly proportional to the number of Latina dancers that are working. Zero and zero.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – Most of the girls weren't too bad, but there's nothing worse than hearing a dancer who isn't earning tips say something along the lines of, "you guys here for a free show?" Also, the one shot-girl was really pushy and wouldn't take no for an answer, finally insisting that I buy her a shot if I wasn't going to buy one for myself.

Value (5.5/10) – The only good deal here is the beer. Normal beer starts at $4, but you can get 16 ounces of something that they call "Kittens Brew" for only $3. The stage value is poor, but you actually get more of a show there than you do during a $20 dance, because some of the girls here are legitimately skilled on the pole. The cover is $5 at all times.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – This was the brightest dance room that I've ever seen. All but the most shameless of strip club goers would be embarrassed to stare at a girl in this atmosphere, especially if anyone else is getting a dance at the same time. Plus, I doubt that a spotlight would be flattering even to the girls from a club like the Spearmint Rhino, but it's devastating to these girls. People in the rest of the club can't see you and there's no bouncer watching, but there are no partitions and there's at least one camera keeping tabs on the (lack of) action.

Club Setup (3/10) – There's a decent stage and a separate shower stage, but the bar is fairly small and there aren't many tables. There's a separate game room with pool tables in the back, but it was empty when I was there.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – This is more of a dive bar than a gentleman's club, and it wouldn't be a bad place to hang out it it weren't for the dancers and the shot girl constantly harassing you for money.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – This place is in the middle of nowhere, and I really can't see any situation that would justify driving here.

Overall – When $3 mystery beer is the highlight of a club, that's a problem. I really tried to like this place, just because I didn't want to rate a place called "Kitten's" worse than I rated "The Golden Banana," but they left me with no choice. This place sucks.

TOTAL SCORE = 26.5

DB's Golden Banana (Peabody, MA)

Quality of dances (1.5/20) – The dances here are slightly less terrible than down the street at the Cabaret Lounge, but they're still among the worst in the state. If you're lucky, the girl might bump into your leg, but that's about as good as it gets here.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – Most of the girls here have good bodies but worn faces, but it's dark enough that it's hard to complain unless you're within a few feet of the them. If you do come here, I recommend that you just watch the stage from the bar or a distant table.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – There weren't many girls here when I visited on a Friday evening, but the club was dead so the ratio wasn't too bad. I actually wish there had been fewer girls so that I wouldn't have had to see any of them up close.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – The majority of the girls here are white, though the evening shift is usually slightly more colorful.

Attitude of dancers (3.5/10) – The girls were nice enough to talk to, but when one guy started throwing around money, they ignored everyone else. I saw one dancer spend her entire four song set with the guy even though she was the only one on stage and other guys had money on the rail.

Value (2/10) – Nothing is ridiculously priced, but everything is a few dollars more than it should be. There's always a cover change that ranges from $5-15, depending on the time and day. The cheapest beers will run you $6.50 and anything that you spend at the stage will be a waste. The value is helped somewhat by the availability of $10 dances at your table, but the real dances are $20, and both options are overpriced.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – The dance room has the typical Massachusetts non-partitioned bench seating setup, but at least most of the room is out of the view of the rest of the club. Still, a bouncer sits right outside of the room watching most of the time, and the setup would be terrible if 2 or more people were getting dances at the same time.

Club Setup (6/10) – This is a large club with a long bar, a decent stage, and plenty of tables. They have so much space that they should have been able to do something more interesting than just having dozens of small tables throughout the club, but it's so rare to find ample seating in Massachusetts that I can't complain about that too much.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – This place is full of stuffy old white guys. If there's one guy in a club with his Bluetooth earpiece blinking, I blame the guy; if there's more than one, as there was here, I blame the club. They do have several TVs, but they're all fairly small, and this would be a terrible place to watch a game anyway.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – You'll have to drive to get here, but there are a few cheap motels in the area where you can crash if you feel like going wild.

Overall – If you care about the quality of girls more than the atmosphere, this is a better option that the Cabaret Lounge down the street, but if you have any self-control at all, you're better off avoiding both of them.

TOTAL SCORE = 30.5

Cabaret Lounge (Peabody, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – The dances here are as bad as you'll ever get anywhere. I'd have given them a half a point because the dances are nude and the girl did bump into my knee at one point, but it was so bright that it was awkward to even look at the girl.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – The dancers here are the definition of mediocre. You won't find any monsters, but you won't find anyone great either. They're slightly better down the street at the Golden Banana, but a big part of the perceived difference is that Cabaret is so bright that you see a lot more of the flaws.

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – The dancer/customer ratio here was probably about as bad as I've seen. Unless a tour bus just stopped by, there's no excuse for having 3 girls on the floor when there are 30 guys in the club.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – There's some variety in body type, but you're probably better off going elsewhere if you aren't into tattooed white women.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – The girls here are fairly relaxed and don't mind spending a little time with customers even if the customers aren't dropping much cash on them. This is generally a good thing, but can be a little frustrating if you are among the 90% of guys in the club who aren't already talking to a girl.

Value (3.5/10) – You can get a 32 ounce pitcher of beer for $9, but a single bottle will run you a ridiculous $7. The dances are $20 and aren't worth any more than you'd be willing to tip at the stage, and the stage action is fairly weak. The only thing that they get any credit for is having no cover until 7, but it's $10 after that on weekends.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – A bouncer will be watching while you get your dance, and everyone at the stage and part of the bar can as well if they want to. Also, it's brighter in the dance area than it is outside on a sunny day.

Club Setup (6.5/10) – This isn't a huge club, but there's a decent stage, a large bar, and a fair amount of chairs. It's too bright throughout the club, but overall, the setup is pretty solid.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The atmosphere in here is fairly relaxed and makes you think that the drinks will be cheaper and the dances will be better than they actually are.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – You'll have to drive to get here, but at least it's within a half mile of DB's Golden Banana, so it won't be a completely wasted trip if you don't like anyone that you see. Also, there's a hotel across the street that advertises "Free Adult Movies," so you should be set if you find a girl who is willing to take her services off site.

Overall – The atmosphere makes this a better option than the Golden Banana, but unless you're desperate and trapped in Peabody, I wouldn't recommend either of them.

TOTAL SCORE = 32

Massachusetts and New Hampshire Strip Club Map

Red = Excellent club

Orange = Very good club

Yellow = Solid but flawed club that may be worth a visit depending on what you're looking for

Green = Fairly poor club that has a few things going for it

Blue = Only consider this club if you're desperate

Purple = Not worth your time or your money under any circumstances

Colorless Lady = Sadly, we haven't had the chance to visit yet



View Massachusetts Strip Club Map in a larger map

Zachary's Pub (Mashpee, MA)

Quality of dances (3/20) – You know what to expect from the minute you walk into the place, as the dj's most frequent line is, "Now's a great time to get a dance from one of our lovely ladies. Just as a reminder, in compliance with Massachusetts state law, contact with the dancers is strictly prohibited." The club was too bright and too wide open for me to bother trying anything, but according to the girls, the rules are uniformly enforced. The dancer did make some contact with me, but even that was fairly limited.

Quality of dancers (3/10) – There really aren't many terrible girls here, but there aren't any that would be above average at a respectable club either.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – According to the dry erase board at the entrance, 5 girls were working the evening I was there, but I didn't even see that many.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – Unsurprisingly, most of the girls here are white. I did see one Asian or Latina girl during my visit.

Attitude of dancers (5/10) – The girls didn't look any happier to be here than I was, but when they got on stage, the attitudes were great. For a buck or two (usually 2 since the club gives $2 bills as change), the one dancer walked off the stage and gave short versions of her lap dance. I wish I'd known that before I bought a dance from her, but I liked the effort nonetheless.

Value (4/10) – The cover ($8 when I was there, but different by the hour) and the dances ($20) were way too high, but I can't complain about $3 drafts and solid stage shows. Just as a warning though, the stage value varied wildly from one girl to the next.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – This is about as bad of a dance setup as I've ever seen. You sit along the one wall, but it's right in the middle of the brightly lit club, within sight of the dj who keeps making announcements about the state ban on contact. They get half a point because there was a lit fireplace beside the dances, but I'm probably being too generous with that.

Club Setup (1.5/10) – The inside isn't any better than the outside. The stage is terrible, the seats are uncomfortable, and the club is comically oversized for the number of girls and patrons.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – I can't imagine ever having a good time here, but due to the reasonable beer prices, it might not be a terrible option for an after work beer if you're a local.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – There's a motel/apartments above the club, but other than that, this place is in the middle of nowhere.

Overall – The picture and the dance description tell you all that you need to know.

TOTAL SCORE = 29.5

King's Inn (North Dartmouth, MA)

Quality of dances (7/20) – These dances are limited contact for the most part, though the regulars seemed to have slightly more luck than I did. As far as limited contact dances go, these are pretty solid with a fair amount of friction. The girls make a lot of promises of fun to be had in the champagne room, but the prices that I was hearing were way too high for this quality of girl.

Quality of dancers (2.5/10) – The girls here ranged from slightly above average to atrocious. Most of the them are very plain and either are obese have horrible boob jobs.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – This is a small club with a few dancers, but it doesn't seem to get very busy, so you'll get more more than enough face time with the girls.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – I'm willing to compromise a little on quality if a club throws in some variety, but the girls here were almost exclusively white.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – Nearly everyone is friendly and it doesn't seem like they usually make much money, so they appreciate anything that you give them. The girls don't look happy when they're on the "stage," but I can't really blame them for that.

Value (3/10) – Dances are a terrible value at $25, beers are $5.75 each, the stage value is non-existent, and you need a spreadsheet to figure out the cover charge. Every day is different, but just as an example, on Fridays it's $3 before 6pm, $5 from 6-7, $10 from 7-midnight, and $20 from midnight-2am.

Dance Setup (2/10) – The dance room has bench seating and no partitions, and the bouncer has a clear view of everything.

Club Setup (1.5/10) – There are some cramped tables, a fairly small bar, and a pool table in here, but the main attraction is the "stage." It's just a section of the floor that's separated from the rest of the club by waist-level wooden livestock fencing. Seeing a pig of a woman jiggling around inside that pen was one of the saddest things I've ever seen.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This might not be a terrible place to stop for a beer, but I can't see anyone wanting to stay much longer than that.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – King's Inn isn't particularly close to anything worthwhile, but it isn't too far from New Bedford and they have plenty of parking.

Overall – This is the type of club that must survive by being a crime of convenience for locals, but it isn't even good enough to justify that. As with any club that I review that scores below a 35, I have to strongly discourage you from visiting.

TOTAL SCORE = 33

Temptation Gentlemen's Club (New Bedford, MA)

Note: This review is based on a visit that took place while this was still the Foxy Lady Southcoast. I don't know if the ownership has changed, or if the name change is just an attempt to put the 2006 shooting behind it, but you should take this review with a grain of salt until I get a chance to make another visit.

Quality of dances (10.5/20) – The club has a strict no touching policy, but most of the girls don't enforce it as long as you aren't too aggressive. The dances were well above average for Massachusetts, and even though no special attention was paid to my tip, the girls weren't shy about letting their hands graze it over the pants.

Quality of dancers (6.5/10) – There aren't a lot of amazing women here, but there aren't many bad ones either. Almost all of them would rate in the 6-8 range.

Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – Regardless of the number of customers, a club that's this large needs to have a lot of dancers to look respectable, and this place doesn't. I give them a little credit for not padding their stats with sub-par girls, but there needs to be more than a half-dozen girls on the evening shift.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – I couldn't give them a perfect score due to the small sample size, but they came close with black, white, and Latina dancers and an Asian massage girl.

Attitude of dancers (3.5/10) – The girls seem appreciative if you sit at the stage and they're nice enough when you get dances, but they don't interact with customers very much the rest of the time.

Value (3.5/10) – The cover is a little high and varies from $7-10 depending on the night, drinks are $5, and the dances are $25. I'd probably take these dances for $25 over the average Massachusetts dance for $20, but either is too much to pay.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – The seats aren't comfortable, but the booths are large and you're sitting around the corner from the entrance to the booth, so only people walking by in the one direction can see you. Since the bouncer doesn't walk by, this makes for one of the better dance setups in the Bay State.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – The main stage is decent, there are two fairly nice bars, and the shower in the corner looks promising, but because of all the empty space, this still looks like a warehouse that was turned into a strip club. There are some tables, but they're all clustered together and aren't that large or comfortable.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place still has scars from the rampage that happened here a few years ago. Most clubs have had some problems with violence, and sadly a murder isn't all that uncommon, but having a masked gunman with a semi-automatic weapon killing 2 people, shooting cops, then killing himself is a whole different level of fucked up. I understand and appreciate the lengths that they go to to make customers feel safe, but it's so extreme that it's a constant reminder of the tragedy. You get wanded when you show up, but if you have to put your cell phone back in your car (which they make you do, even though there are no clocks in the club), they'll watch as you put it away and still wand you again. Once you're in the club, you can't go outside for any reason and come back the same night, even if you pay the cover charge again. I feel bad giving them such a low score for this, because they do make an effort with massage girls and decent music, but I think it will take either a very long time or a new location for the atmosphere to ever be decent here.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Foxy Lady Southcoast is on Popes Island, which makes it very accessible from downtown New Bedford. Unfortunately, New Bedford isn't all that accessable to anywhere else.

Overall – The quality of dances give this place a slight edge over the Foxy Lady's Brockton location, but the atmophere and the relative proximity to Rhode Island are just too much to allow me to recommend it.

TOTAL SCORE = 46

Blue Moon Lounge (Tyngsboro, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – That’s not a misprint, my friends; this club actually managed to post a goose egg for dance quality. Technically, the rule in Massachusetts is that there be no contact between dancers and customers, but I had never seen that rule strictly enforced...until I got to the Blue Moon Lounge. My dance involved literally zero contact in either direction. Instead, the dancer stood perhaps three feet away and lethargically moved about while stripping. It was hardly different than sitting at the stage. While in the dance room, I also witnessed another dance, and it was the same deal. Yikes.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – Face-wise, the women were largely beautiful, but a few sets of torpedo tits and one mediocre cougar hurt this score. The group was highlighted by a total stunner who was christened The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish.

Number of dancers (4/10) – The mid-afternoon shift featured four dancers, which wasn’t terrible, but from talks with the DJ, the club never gets more than ten girls at night. Given the crowds that Blue Moon can draw, the ratio is definitely unfavorable.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Mostly skinny white women, with the one darker-skinned dancer noted above.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – Getting a dancer to come over was like pulling teeth at this place. Yes, it’s the day shift, and they need to work their regulars, but three dudes who arrived at the club’s opening bell and started drinking immediately shouldn’t ever be ignored for over an hour. When I did finally grab a dancer, her negative attitude was a serious downer.

Value (3/10) – From the outside, you’d think this place would present some solid value, but no dice. No cover before 6 PM and $5 after that. Mixed drinks are $6.50 and beers are now $5. They were previously $6.50 as well, so it's nice to see a club drop its prices for a change, but that's still a little on the high side for a a club in the middle of nowhere. Stage value is below average and dance value is God-awful. Very disappointing.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – Almost as bad as it gets. Dances are in a separate room, but that room sits directly adjacent to the satellite stage and isn’t walled off from the club. Patrons can simultaneously be entertained by the dancer on stage and the pained expression on your face as you receive the worst lap dance of your life. It’s criminal.

Club Setup (4/10) – I liked the two stages (even if one wasn’t being used during the day) and the raised seating on the back end of the bar, but most of the standard club seating was awkward. Seats are lined up in parallel rows facing the two stages, making it seem like you’ll be watching a fifth grade assembly rather than a woman defrocking for cash. I can’t imagine how ridiculous it looks with those seats completely filled. Even if you’re lucky enough to get one of the handful of tables, they’re almost too small to be functional and they’re spaced too close to be comfortable.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – You wouldn’t expect it from the exterior, but this place has a pretty good vibe. The lighting was nice, the DJ was responsive to requests, and the details have the requisite tackiness while still maintaining some class. On this particular day, it was filled with a large group of disrespectful shitsticks (who all work a profession for which I have little respect), but I'm told that the regular crowd tends to be pretty laid back. If the Lounge didn’t fail miserably in many other categories, I would definitely hang out here.

Club Accessibility (.5/5) – The Blue Moon Lounge is about as inaccessible as a club can be. It sits so far north in Massachusetts that if you’re long, you could hit driver->3-wood and then have an easy 7-iron to the New Hampshire border. That it’s relatively close to Route 3 and I-93 does virtually nothing to save this rating.

Overall – Not only is this club not worth your trip, it’s not even worth a stop if you’re passing by (although it’s hard to imagine why you would be). If they ever lower their drink prices and reform their dance rules, we’ll re-evaluate. Until then, the Blue Moon Lounge is crap in a hat.

TOTAL SCORE = 29.5

Update: This club is now called "The Club." According to a comment below, it has changed significantly since my review, but I haven't had a chance to confirm that yet. If you've tried it recently, let me know what you thought.

Foxy Lady Brockton (Brockton, MA)

Quality of dances (4/20) – Don’t be confused by the girls telling you that “You can touch upstairs, but not downstairs.” As Zo found out, they don’t mean that you can touch the tits but not the puss. Sadly, they’re being literal - you’ll get a worthwhile dance in the VIP rooms upstairs if you’re willing to blow some serious cash, but you won’t get any 2-way action during the regular dances downstairs. These aren’t air dances, but they aren’t a whole lot better.

Quality of dancers (8/10) – There are some stunning women here, but there are also a few that have passed their prime. Overall, my biggest complaint about the women is that there are a few too many implants, but there are still plenty of natural girls working on any given night.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – If all of the girls who are working were actually circulating the club, this could be an 8 or a 9, but most of the dancers only leave the dressing room during the 2-for-1 special lineups. Still, there’s usually a girl on both stages and several dancers and massage girls working the crowd.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – There seems to be more variety among the massage girls than with the dancers, but there is still a good variation of body types and ages among the mostly-white dancers.

Attitude of dancers (4.5/10) – Because there are so many dancers, you’re certain to meet a few friendly ones on almost every visit. For the same reason, you’re also certain to meet a few who think they’re god’s gift to men. We’d bump them up a few points if the girls came out of the dressing room more often, but the fact that they stay back there shows that they aren’t particularly interested in interacting with the guests.

Value (3/10) – It will set you back $6 to get in during the day and $12 at night, and drinks start at $6. The dances are $20, but no one pays that since they’re just waiting for the “2-for-1s,” which are actually 2 dances and a Boston sports team t-shirt for $30. Sometimes they throw in free admission coupons, but they’re only good for a few days, so that isn’t a huge help unless you’re a regular. If you’re not a fan of Boston sports (or you just don’t want a cheap t-shirt), you can follow Zo’s lead and sell the shirts on e-Bay for around $5, making the dances effectively 2 for $25.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – You go down a few steps from the main area of the club to get dances under the stage, but there are no partitions and no privacy. Everyone gets dances when they do two-for-ones, so the area gets packed and you’ll be sitting beside 2 guys and looking right at a few more.

Club Setup (7.5/10) – The club could use a few dark corners, but other than that, the setup is excellent. There’s plenty of seating at the two stages, the bar’s fairly large, and there are more than enough tables to accommodate groups. This score would have been even higher but for the fact that the stages don't have poles, which struck me as a little strange.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – Foxy Lady is definitely more gentlemen’s club than titty bar, and it has all the good and the bad that comes along with that. It’s not a great place to stop for a beer or a dance, but it’s not bad if you’re looking to relax and take in the sights for a little while. Also, there are always several massage girls working, and they're usually as hot as any of the dancers.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – They get points for having plenty of parking in what feels like a safe area, but it’s not particularly close to anything. When your best justification for visiting a club is that it’s sortof on the way back from Wal-Mart, that isn’t a good thing.

Overall – This is one of the “classiest” clubs in the state, but as with the other Massachusetts clubs that have invested any cash in their establishments, they aren’t willing to risk their license by making their dances worthwhile. Even with the bad dances, this is probably the best safe strip club in the greater Boston area. Overall, I’d say the Foxy Lady Brockton is worth going to if you don’t care about dances, but it probably isn’t worth it if looking isn’t enough for you.

TOTAL SCORE = 45

Platinum Premier (Worcester, MA) - CLOSED

Quality of dances (4/20) – If lap dances are as important to you as they are to us, don’t bother coming to Platinum Premier. There’s 1-way contact, but even that isn’t very aggressive. A bouncer stares at you while you’re getting a dance, so even in the unlikely scenario that you find a cool dancer, you still won’t be getting away with anything.

Quality of dancers (7/10) – There were a few very hot young dancers, but even though the quality is fairly good overall, it isn’t up to the level that you’d expect for a place that looks this nice.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Hurricane Betty’s is a hole in the wall club just down the street from here, and it had significantly more dancers than Platinum Premier. A club that’s this big should have several girls on stage and several talking to customers, but they did not.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – There’s some variation in body type and age, but you’re going to find mostly white girls in here.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – The nice building gives these girls the idea that they’re special for working here, and most of them act like it. You’d think that the dancers would be happy that I’m giving them $25 to do not much of anything, but the one girl basically called me cheap because I wouldn’t pay double for her and her roommate to dance for me at the same time. I’ll admit that I was intrigued, but I’m never going to pay $50 for a dance, especially if it’s not full contact.

Value (2/10) – The cover is $6, presumably to prove that they’re more exclusive than all the other clubs that only charge $5 to get in. Drinks are another $5, and the dances are $25. You can throw dollars on the stage, but the girls pay much more attention to the pole than they do to the customers.

Dance Setup (3/10) – The benches are decent and most of the customers can’t see you, but those are the only positives of the dance setup. There are no partitions and there’s a bouncer standing right beside the dance area who watches all the lack of action.

Club Setup (5.5/10) – This is one of the nicer strip club buildings that I’ve been to, but they don’t even come close to maximizing the potential of the space. They have enough room for a lot of decent sized tables in the stage room, but instead, they just have rows of 2-person tables lined up against each other, making it more like a movie theater than a gentleman’s club. The bar is in another room, out of view of the main stage. There’s a smaller stage near the bar, but no one was on it when I was there.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – Even though this is a nude club, it’s very sterile, and seems more like a trendy steakhouse than a strip club. This wouldn’t be my top choice for a place to get dinner, but I’d be much more likely to come here to eat than I would be to come for a beer.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Platinum Premier is right down the road from Hurricane Betty’s and Holy Cross, and they have a large, fairly secure parking lot.

Overall – If you’re looking to take your girl to a club to show her that strip clubs aren’t seedy and that she wouldn’t object to anything that strippers will do to a guy, this might be a decent place to take her; otherwise, I’d avoid Platinum Premier.

TOTAL SCORE = 32.5

Club Alex's (Stoughton, MA)

Quality of dances (6.5/20) – It seems like fun could be had in the champagne room, but the regular dances here are fairly disappointing. The dancers make decent contact with you, but the only person that you’ll be touching is the dude who’s getting a dance next to you.

Quality of dancers (7.5/10) – Two of the hottest strippers that I’ve ever seen work here, but most of the girls are in the 6-7.5 range. There are a few women that I wouldn’t even consider getting a dance from, but everyone is worth a buck or two when they do the dollar dances.

Number of Dancers (7.5/10) – Considering the size of this club, there are a ton of dancers. If you want a dance, you won’t have to wait for long at all.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – I’d love to see some black dancers here, but there’s a good mix of white and Latina dancers. Strip club veterans already probably assume this, but if you’re going to get a dance, go for the Latinas, especially the Brazilians.

Attitude of dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls aren’t particularly chatty, but they’ll see if you want a dance, and they don’t give much attitude if you don’t. Only one of the dancers was overly pushy about the VIP room.

Value (4/10) –The cover is $3 in the afternoons and $10 at night, and drinks are $6. Some of the girls have decent pole moves on the stage, but their interaction with people who are giving tips is pretty poor. The dances are overpriced, but the dollar “dances” improve the value if you’re there at the right time. Every so often, the dj announces that the girls will be giving dollar dances for the next 3 songs, then all the girls go around and basically give 30 second samples of their dances at the tables. The dollar dances are too short to have much fun, but it’s a good opportunity to see who’ll give a good dance without wasting $20 to find out.

Dance Setup (0/10) – There’s an area toward the back wall where the tables are designated for lap dances. You have to sit in the same uncomfortable chairs that they have throughout the club, and you’ll probably be bumping knees with at least one other guy the whole time.

Club Setup (2/10) – The building is fairly nice and they get some credit for having a shower on the stage, but the club is way too cramped and the setup along the stage is terrible. The stage isn’t much above floor level and there are benches in a dugout area beside it. To make matters worse, there’s enough space between the bench and the stage so that other guys can walk by, so you aren’t close enough to the stage to get any action.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) – The atmosphere isn’t bad, but this is an 18 and over club and the crowd is very young.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – Alex’s is about half way between Boston and Providence, but it isn’t really close to anything.

Overall –A few of the dancers were hot enough to make me consider going back, but I'm all about the dances, and Alex’s just doesn’t have good enough dances to justify driving to Stoughton. If you’re going to drive this far, you might as well go the extra half hour to Rhode Island.

TOTAL SCORE = 41

Hurricane Betty's (Worcester, MA)

Quality of dances (8/20) – The dances are nude, and even though some of the girls allow 2-way contact, most do not. Also, the bouncer checks in during the dance to make sure that you aren't having any fun. Extras would not be possible here due to the set up, but one of the dancers hinted that she's available outside of the club. Another dancer called her a "dirty hoe," but I'll take a dirty hoe over a prude any day.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – I have not seen any total stunners, but a few come close and help the score.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – The rotation was pretty solid, but there was only 1 girl on stage and 1 or 2 girls circulating most of the time during my day shift visit. There were several more girls in the dressing room, but they only came out when they were on stage. On a few packed Thursday nights, however, there were at least 15-18 girls in this small but cozy club. Props to the owner for rounding up the women.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – The variety of dancers is probably the best thing about this club. It was about an even split between white, black, and Latina dancers, and there was even one older Asian during the day shift. Since returning, I did not see any Asians, blacks, and only 1 Latina. The diversity among white girls (thick/thin/big tits/little tits/tan/blonde/brunette) is pretty amazing. The only thing missing was a fire bush.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – Most of the dancers look happy to be there, but a few of the girls are almost too friendly. One dancer wouldn't get off my lap even though I wasn't buying her drinks or tipping her, to the point where I couldn't go to the stage or get dances from anyone else. She was giving me more action for free at the table than I got during the dances, although that still isn't saying much. The ratio of dancers who give the always dreaded, "hi, wanna dance? No? See ya.,", to the more talkative bunch hurts this score, but the proud few keep it from dipping too low.

Value (5/10) – The cover and drinks are both $5 if you are over 21 ($20 if under), but the dances are overpriced at $20 and the stage action is below average even though it's fully nude. Beers are $5.50, and the waitress is super hot (though not a day over 18). Before she was told otherwise, I convinced her to let me do a tequila body shot off of her gorgeous rack, complete with salt and lime on either side.

Dance Setup (1/10) – There's a row of chairs along the wall in the main room for the dances. Even though a curtain keeps people at the stage from seeing you, it doesn't stop the other girls who are giving dances from watching and it's low enough that the bouncer can look over the top. Everyone who walks in can take a peek as well. There is a "champagne" room, but even the girls tell you it's not worth your time. That's the only advertisement I needed to avoid it all together.

Club Setup (2/10) – There are a lot of tables and the stage is fairly large, but the club is tiny and can be cramped if it's even remotely busy. There are very few places to sit where the speakers aren't exploding your ear drums as well, so it's hard to navigate a comfortable place to sit.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – This isn't exactly a shady club, but something just doesn't seem quite right about it. It's down the street from Platinum Premier, and probably gets most of it's business from the 18 year old college kids who need a lesson in strip club etiquette, pronto.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Hurricane Betty's is near Holy Cross, not far at all from downtown Worcester. They have their own free parking lot, but I wasn't overly confident that my car would be alright while I was in the club. I didn't have any problems though.

Overall – This club, in my eyes, is Rachel Ray. Rachel Ray is an enigma. Is she hot? Is she fat? What size are her tits? I can never tell. The same can be said for Hurricane Betty's. If you find the right girls in the club, you'll have a great time. If not, it could be a disaster.

TOTAL SCORE = 43.5

Mac's Two Lounge (North Billerica, MA)

Quality of dances (4/20) – Half the dance was spent with the girl on the floor in front of me doing the exact same thing that she did on stage, and the other half of the dance involved her making moderate contact with me. The dancers aren't really attractive enough that you'd want to touch them, but if you do, they won't allow you to anyway.

Quality of dancers (3/10) – The dancers that I saw had decent bodies, but their faces were jacked and they had fake tits. If anything, I'm being generous with this score.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – The afternoon shift was pathetic, and even though they said that they'd have a few more in the evening, that would have still been a joke.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – They get some credit for having an Asian mixed in amongst the overwhelming whiteness of the club, but she's older and has particularly unnatural looking tits.

Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – I was the only guy in the club when I got there, and the girls looked annoyed that I showed up because it meant that one of them had to start dancing. It's obvious that a guy sitting at an alcohol-free bar in a strip club is there for dances, but they still didn't approach me. Once I talked to a girl at the stage, she was nice enough, but it shouldn't have to get to that point.

Value (1/10) – The cover is $5 during the day and $10 at night, and sodas and waters are $5 each. The $20 dances aren't worth more than $5, and the stage action is sub-par. The only reason to ever go to a shitty little strip bar in the middle of nowhere is to save money, and you won't be doing that here.

Dance Setup (0/10) – There's a slightly offset section near the entrance where the dances are given, but most of the people in the club and everyone at the bar has a perfect view of you while you're getting a dance. There are no partitions, the seats aren't terribly comfortable, and the area is slightly brighter than the rest of the club.

Club Setup (4/10) – There are a lot of tables and a decent sized stage here, and even though the bar is small, that doesn't matter since no one would sit at the bar anyway.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place could have a decent dive bar atmosphere, but they don't serve or allow you to bring your own alcohol, so it's just terrible. They do have dozens of copies of the XTREME Magazine laying around the club, so that can keep you entertained once you get sick of looking at the slop that they have on stage.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – This club is in the middle of nowhere, but you could get here in 15 minutes from Lowell, so I'll give it a half a point for that.

Overall – Even by Massachusetts standards, this club sucks.

TOTAL SCORE = 19.5

Center Stage (Springfield, MA)

Quality of dances (13/20) – They lose points here because there is such inconsistency from girl to girl. You might get one dance where there's no contact with your lower body, then the next dance leaves you with lipstick stains on the crotch of your pants. If you do manage to find the right girl, the dances are excellent, as evidenced by the fact that I've had to Purell my nipples when I left.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – There aren't any ugly dancers here, but there aren't more than 1 or 2 girls who would rate an 8 or above either. And, as with most clubs, when a few girls are significantly more attractive than the rest, the hottest ones don't feel a need to really work for the money. If you're getting a dance, go for a "6" or a "7." The one advantage that this place has over Mardi Gras is that there are significantly less implants here.

Number of Dancers (5/10) – There are three or four girls on stage and about the same amount looking to give dances, and they just rotate after each set. This gives a great ratio in the afternoon, but they don't increase the number of dancers when it gets busier, so you might have to wait for a dance then.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – It really depends on when you go, because I've visited on nights where pretty much everyone was white, but I also saw a hot Asian girl, a few black dancers and some attractive Latinas during my most recent visit.  There's usually some decent size variation as well, and even the larger ladies are not of the sloppy variety.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – "Hi, I'm ___, would you like a dance?" is about as much conversation as you'll get out of these girls. They're good about counting dances and seem happy to perform for you on stage, but some of them just sit by themselves when they're off stage and force you to approach them for dances.

Value (6.5/10) – Parking is free, beer is $5, and if there's ever a cover, it starts fairly late. You'll get your money's worth for $1 at the stage, but the payoff on your $25 dance fee really depends on the girl you get.

Dance Setup (2/10) – This is yet another Massachusetts club with a large open room for lap dances. You get your own chair, and two of the chairs are offset a little bit, but this is still a poor setup.

Club Setup (2/10) – As with the dance room, the club has the usual shitty Massachusetts setup - big stage, tiny bar, and few other places to sit. The club is fairly large though, and according to a several-year-old old sign on the door, it's "The newest club in New England."

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – I like the atmosphere better at Mardi Gras, but you should feel fairly safe here, and in Springfield, that's a big deal. Center Stage isn't a bad place to grab a beer and a dance, but I'm not sure that I'd usually hang out here for too long. The one exception would be on nights when they have nude roller derby, or "Roll-or-gazum" as they call it, with a midget referee. I have not personally witnessed this, but I can only imagine that the atmosphere is off the charts. If you're interested, you should check their site for details.

Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – They have their own free parking lot and they're located in a relatively safe part of Springfield.

Overall – Anthony's is slightly better than any of the downtown clubs, but if you inexplicably want to stay in downtown Springfield, Mardi Gras and Center Stage each have their strengths. Mardi Gras has more dancers, hotter dancers, and more promises of VIP fun, but the girls at Center Stage have less silicone and give much better lap dances. Also, the clubs are very close to each other, so you could always try both of them.

TOTAL SCORE = 49.5

Updated July 2012.

Club Castaways (Whately, MA)

Quality of dances (6/20) – According to the signs, you're supposed to prepay for all dances, but thankfully none of the girls tried to enforce this. As a general rule, if a girl ever tries to get you to prepay, she's not worth getting a dance from.
The 1-way contact rules are followed for the most part, but the dances aren't bad considering that limitation. The one dancer who didn't follow the contact rules practically sexually assaulted me, but I can't add points for that because it wasn't even enjoyable. Even if she really is a "freak," as she repeatedly told me, I still didn't want to grab her tits so hard that they felt like they were going to pop, but she kept putting her hands on mine and squeezing tighter, so I didn't have much choice.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – The talent here was better than I expected, but still wasn't anything great. There wasn't anyone who you'd have to look away from, but there weren't any 9's or 10's either.

Number of Dancers (5/10) – For such a small club, there were more dancers than I expected, with 3 on stage most of the time. They might be better off only having 1 or 2 on stage though, because there could have been more girls mingling with the customers.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Given the location, it's not surprising that most of the girls here are white, but there are a few black dancers and even one Asian, which is practically unheard of in New England.

Attitude of dancers (3.5/10) – Most of the girls are friendly, but they lose big points here because a girl yelled at me for having my phone in my front pocket. Besides the fact that not may people keep their phones anywhere else, if you're putting pressure on my leg, you aren't focusing on the right spot.

Value (3.5/10) – Drinks are $4.75, and even though there's no cover charge in the afternoons or on Tuesdays, the value is hurt by subpar dances for $20. The stage action is also average at best.

Dance Setup (4/10) – Customers at the bar and the stage can't see you in the dance room, but the plants that separate the chairs don't stop the guy beside you from watching. The booth in the back is fairly private, so you should ask for this one if it's available.

Club Setup (3/10) – There are some tables along the wall, but no more than 2 people fit at any of them, so they wouldn't work for groups. The bar is too small for a place like this, so most people don't have any choice but to sit at the average-sized stage.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – There's a comfortable vibe here, but Castaways tries to walk the line between dive bar and club, and it doesn't really pull off either.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – Club Castaways isn't close to anything and it keeps very strange hours, so it can be frustrating if you drive to get here only to find out that it's closed. I'd call to make sure that they're open, but generally they are closed on Sundays and Mondays and they close at 10 on some other days.

Overall – If you live around Whately, there aren't really any other options nearby, but I'd still probably just save my money for trips to better clubs.

TOTAL SCORE = 37.5