Hong Kong (Tijuana, Mexico)

Some people say that Hong Kong and the neighboring Adelita Bar are strip clubs.  Other people say that they’re whorehouses.  The truth is, they’re whatever you want them to be.  If you want to down a few beers while looking at some of the most beautiful women in the world, they’re strip clubs to you.  If you want to grab a girl, negotiate a deal and then fuck, they’re brothels.  And if you want to take in the sights, have a few beers, find your favorite girl and then take her upstairs, they’re pretty much heaven.  I’m a strip club expert, so that’s what my scores are based on, but just know that these places have even more to offer than the scores would suggest. 

Quality of Dances (18/20) – The ladies don’t want to do anything for $20 that’s going to prevent you from dropping $70 for sex, but short of trying to finish you off, these dances are as good as they could possibly be.  The girls get naked and provide full upper and lower body two-way contact.   And if you're left wanting more, that can be easily arranged.   

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – I admit that I have a thing for Mexicans, but these are some of the hottest that I've seen.  Some look a little worn out and there are more implants than I’d like to see, but a substantial portion of this workforce could pass for models or actresses.  Young, in good shape and willing makes for a very nice experience.  

Number of Dancers (10/10) – It doesn’t get much better than a dozen or more girls dancing at a time.  And when I say “dancing,” I don’t mean working the crowd; I mean stripping naked on a stage or a bar.  Since a lot of the girls disappear to the motel upstairs for a half hour at a time, it’s tough to get an accurate count of how many girls are actually working, but it’s among the most that I’ve ever seen at a club.  You might have to wait a while if you have your heart set on a particular girl, but you’ll never be at a want for attention from some true beauties. 

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – There’s some size variation and a mix of natural and enhanced ladies, but you’re out of luck if you don’t like Mexicans.  Luckily, that’s not an issue for me.  At all. 

Attitudes (3.5/10) – The language barrier is expected since the club is in Mexico, but since I’m writing this from an American strip club goer’s perspective, I’m going to have to dock them a few points because it really does make communication difficult with some of the ladies.  Still, hand gestures and dollar bills are universal enough that you won’t have any problem getting what you want, just don’t count on having any meaningful conversation unless your Spanish is at least passable.  Having said that, most of the girls are really friendly if you do manage to understand each other, and their enthusiasm for putting on a stunning stage show is admirable.   

Value (10/10) – There’s technically no cover, but you’re expected to buy a $4 Sol and to hand out dollar tips to various employees throughout your visit.  That’s a very small price to pay, though, for the best stage show that I’ve ever seen.  You really can’t look any direction without seeing a naked dime, but the real action is in the back of the club.  That’s where the lesbian action goes on, both in a bubble bath and on a shaving cream covered stage, and most of the ladies don’t seem to have any problem with guys inserting a finger or getting a taste at the stage for a dollar.  Whether eating out a Tijuana prostitute is a good idea is up to you, but it’s hard to knock the value that the opportunity presents.  At night, the shows are even more ridiculous.  A girl basically rubs herself with a vibrator until a customer offers a dollar, then she hands it over to allow the guy to insert it a few times.  And even if you don’t want to leave your seat, a dollar will be plenty to get you a feel or a mini table dance.  Real, fairly long lap dances are a reasonable value at $21, but they aren’t terribly popular since it’s not as great of a deal as the half hour sessions in the motel upstairs.  That will run you somewhere around $90, with $70 going to the girl, $16 going to the motel, $1 going to the club for a robe so that the girl can take the two steps down the street to the motel without getting dressed, and another buck or two to the guys who will clean up the room after your half hour romp.  All told, the price for sex will be about $15 more here than at Adelita Bar, but either way, you’re banging a model-quality girl for less than a Benjamin, so I wouldn’t sweat it. 

Club Setup (9/10) – Hong Kong is a great looking club.   The perfect lighting and numerous stages throughout the room ensure that everyone will have a good view of something worth viewing, and there are enough places to sit that you should be able to find a seat that’s perfect for your mood.  There are a few bars, there are plenty of places to sit or stand in the middle of the action, there are small booths around the outside where you can chat up a girl or relax while taking in the sights, and there’s even an upstairs balcony area towards the front of the club where you can look down at some of the stages, although that’s a little too far from the action to be ideal once the novelty of the unique vantage point wears off. My favorite place is probably near the back of the club where you have a great view of the shaving cream and bubble bath shows (on the main level during the day and upstairs at night), but there really isn’t a bad seat in the house.

Dance Setup (8/10) – Dances are given up on the balcony level of the club in individual closed booths.  The doors to the booths let in some light, but it’s very private since no one can see in, and the guy who keeps track of the time has the courtesy to knock on the door when your time’s up rather than opening the door and seeing what you’re up to.

If you’re looking to get more intimate with a lady, that action technically takes place outside of the club, though it’s really just a few steps from the club’s door to the motel’s door.  The rooms are simple but relatively clean, and they each have a shower and a toilet so you can clean up before or after your “date.”   

Atmosphere (7/10) – The party atmosphere in the place is amazing in the evening, and even better at night. Clubs that are filled with girls who fuck for money can be depressing if the atmosphere isn’t perfect, but there's an energy at Hong Kong like I’ve only seen at some of the Vegas clubs.  Guys just come here looking for a party, and the girls are more than willing to provide it.  Even if you aren’t looking to get your dick wet, the hot girls, the cold beer, and the jaw dropping stage show make this a perfect place for a night out with the boys.  Or at least it would be if you could fully let your guard down, which you probably shouldn't if you're a relative Tijuana newbie. 

Location (0/5) – Park on the U.S. side of the border, walk across and take a taxi to Hong Kong for $5.  The driver will try to convince you that other clubs are better because other clubs pay a better kickback, but stick to your guns – Adelita Bar and Hong Kong are the only clubs you should consider.  Luckily, they’re only a half block away from each other, so you can always check them both out before dropping any real money.  If your only knowledge of Tijuana comes from sensationalist U.S. news stories, you might be a little nervous about heading to this club, but you should be fine if you stay aware of your surroundings and get the hell back to the border if anything seems off. It should be particularly safe if you keep your visit to daylight hours, but I've felt perfectly safe while drinking here into the early morning. Still, the need to cross the border to go to Hong Kong makes it impossible for me to give them any points for location.   

RAW SCORE = 75.5

Overall – Hong Kong is one of, if not the, best brothels in North America.  More importantly for my purposes, it is one of, if not the, best strip clubs I’ve ever been to.  If it were located 200 yards to the north, it would be pretty much perfect.  Of course, if it were located 200 yards to the north, the San Diego Police Department would have it shut down immediately. 

If you’ve never been there before, I’m sure that your real question is whether it’s worth the risk to go, but you’ll have to answer that question for yourself.  For me, though, it’s a no brainer – any time that I find myself in Southern California, I make a trip to Hong Kong.  

Jumbo's Clown Room (Los Angeles, CA)

Quality of Dances (1/20) – The girls rub up against you a fair amount, but all that you really need to know is that the clothes stay on and your hands have to stay at your sides.  The bottom line is that these dances are a waste of time and money, though the classic rock that’s frequently playing does at least mean that you’ll get a fairly long stretch of clothed awkwardness for your $20.  

  

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – Maybe the knowledge that Courtney Love was a dancer here lowered my expectations too much, but I was actually impressed by the ladies that were working.  There were one or two young ones and one or two who were probably in their 40’s, but most of them were fit girls in their mid to late 20s with real tits.  Unfortunately, I have no idea how they looked with their clothes off, because I never saw any of their wearing less than a bra and thong.  I don’t know whether they ever strip down to less than that or not, but they didn’t while I was there.  

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Jumbo’s had a dozen girls working the evening shift and about half that during the day, which isn’t too bad since the place is tiny and since you shouldn’t be looking for a girl for a lap dance anyway.   

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – There’s some age variation and about an equal number of blondes and brunettes, but if white ladies aren’t your thing, you’ll probably want to go elsewhere. 

Attitudes (7/10) – They’re are all happy to sit and chat and seem to enjoy joking around with customers and with each other. For the most part, I got the impression that these ladies really do work here because they enjoy it rather than because they feel like they need to, and the positive vibes are noticeable.       

Value (4/10) – The lack of a cover charge is a good deal, $5 beers aren’t bad and $20 dances would usually be acceptable, but I need better bargains than that to consider it to be a good value in a bikini club.  Plus the stage show is pretty lame even if you can ignore the fact that the ladies are wearing as much clothing as the average beach-goer, and tipping at the stage doesn’t seem to get them to step their game up.  Regardless of what you do, they just do their thing… which isn’t much.

Club Setup (2/10) – Jumbo’s is the smallest club that I’ve ever been to.  There’s a bar in the back of the club, several seats at the medium sized stage, five small round tables and a few stools by a tall bench, but even with the mirrored wall to make things seem bigger than they really are, this place still feels tiny. 

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There’s only one seat for lap dances and the a light above it  shines on you like a spotlight. There’s a divider between the lap dance seat and the bench beside it, but it doesn’t really block anyone’s view.  Though I guess no one will be catching you in a compromising position anyway.

Atmosphere (8/10) – If there’s any reason to visit Jumbo’s, it’s the atmosphere.  They play lots of solid classic rock, there’s little to no hustle, and it’s so non-threatening that the Zagat raters got to it before I did, so it’s the perfect place to take a girlfriend or a buddy who doesn’t normally visit strip clubs.

Location (5/5) – The club is in Thai Town in East Hollywood and is only about half a block from the Anthony Bourdain-recommended Sapp Coffee Shop.  If you’re getting dinner in the area anyway, and I’m glad that I did, the location could not possibly be more convenient. 

Overall – It doesn't work as a strip club, but that isn't necessarily what Jumbo's is going for anyway.  If you enjoy bikini clubs, you'll probably like it because it does have a good atmosphere and relatively attractive, friendly dancers.  

RAW SCORE = 37.5

Roaring 20's (San Francisco, CA)

Quality of dances (4/20) - The dances are fairly aggressive, but they're not full songs and the tops don't even come off for the normal $20 fee.

Quality of dancers (5.5/10) - Some of the girls are pretty decent, but there's no way that management has ever turned a prospective dancer away for not being attractive enough.

Number of dancers (5/10) - There were maybe a half-dozen girls working on the afternoon shift.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (5/5) - I have never seen more variety in a club. Unfortunately, the Indian, Asian, and Black dancers were just as terrible as the White ones.

Attitude of Dancers (0/10) - They will keep asking if you want a dance until you either get one or leave. When you do get a dance, they will try to hustle you. The one girl that I got a dance from did give me a free DVD of herself in some weird pregnant fetish film though, so that was pretty sweet.

Value (0/10) - The cover is good for a few other bars that are owned by the same guy, but if this is how he runs a club, why would anyone think that's a good thing? Dances are $20, but topless dances are $40 and nude are $60.

Dance Setup (8/10) - The dances are given in decent sized booths with a curtain providing some privacy, but it's dark and doesn't seem very clean.

Club Setup (1.5/10) - It's a small club with most of the chairs lined up along the two main walls. There are no dark corners in which to relax and hide from the pushy dancers.

Club Atmosphere (0/10) - They don't serve alcohol and there isn't much stage action, so the only thing to do is talk to the dancers. And that's not a good thing.

Club Accessibility (5/5) - It's easy to get to, which, as with the Glass Slipper in Boston, isn't a good thing.

Overall - If you're desperate enough to even consider going here, walk the 2 blocks to Chinatown and get yourself a happy ending.

TOTAL SCORE - 34