Jumbo's Clown Room (Los Angeles, CA)

Quality of Dances (1/20) – The girls rub up against you a fair amount, but all that you really need to know is that the clothes stay on and your hands have to stay at your sides.  The bottom line is that these dances are a waste of time and money, though the classic rock that’s frequently playing does at least mean that you’ll get a fairly long stretch of clothed awkwardness for your $20.  

  

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – Maybe the knowledge that Courtney Love was a dancer here lowered my expectations too much, but I was actually impressed by the ladies that were working.  There were one or two young ones and one or two who were probably in their 40’s, but most of them were fit girls in their mid to late 20s with real tits.  Unfortunately, I have no idea how they looked with their clothes off, because I never saw any of their wearing less than a bra and thong.  I don’t know whether they ever strip down to less than that or not, but they didn’t while I was there.  

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Jumbo’s had a dozen girls working the evening shift and about half that during the day, which isn’t too bad since the place is tiny and since you shouldn’t be looking for a girl for a lap dance anyway.   

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – There’s some age variation and about an equal number of blondes and brunettes, but if white ladies aren’t your thing, you’ll probably want to go elsewhere. 

Attitudes (7/10) – They’re are all happy to sit and chat and seem to enjoy joking around with customers and with each other. For the most part, I got the impression that these ladies really do work here because they enjoy it rather than because they feel like they need to, and the positive vibes are noticeable.       

Value (4/10) – The lack of a cover charge is a good deal, $5 beers aren’t bad and $20 dances would usually be acceptable, but I need better bargains than that to consider it to be a good value in a bikini club.  Plus the stage show is pretty lame even if you can ignore the fact that the ladies are wearing as much clothing as the average beach-goer, and tipping at the stage doesn’t seem to get them to step their game up.  Regardless of what you do, they just do their thing… which isn’t much.

Club Setup (2/10) – Jumbo’s is the smallest club that I’ve ever been to.  There’s a bar in the back of the club, several seats at the medium sized stage, five small round tables and a few stools by a tall bench, but even with the mirrored wall to make things seem bigger than they really are, this place still feels tiny. 

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There’s only one seat for lap dances and the a light above it  shines on you like a spotlight. There’s a divider between the lap dance seat and the bench beside it, but it doesn’t really block anyone’s view.  Though I guess no one will be catching you in a compromising position anyway.

Atmosphere (8/10) – If there’s any reason to visit Jumbo’s, it’s the atmosphere.  They play lots of solid classic rock, there’s little to no hustle, and it’s so non-threatening that the Zagat raters got to it before I did, so it’s the perfect place to take a girlfriend or a buddy who doesn’t normally visit strip clubs.

Location (5/5) – The club is in Thai Town in East Hollywood and is only about half a block from the Anthony Bourdain-recommended Sapp Coffee Shop.  If you’re getting dinner in the area anyway, and I’m glad that I did, the location could not possibly be more convenient. 

Overall – It doesn't work as a strip club, but that isn't necessarily what Jumbo's is going for anyway.  If you enjoy bikini clubs, you'll probably like it because it does have a good atmosphere and relatively attractive, friendly dancers.  

RAW SCORE = 37.5

Hollywood (Southington, CT)

Quality of dances (9.5/20) – Experiences vary wildly from one girl to the next, but almost everyone engages in some solid grinding. A few of the girls are fairly active with their hands over the pants, but most just stick to giving friction with their knees or ass cracks. They don't seem to mind a hand on their legs, but you're too much in the open to do anything more than that.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – Quality control seems to be low as there are some girls here who have no business working at a strip club, but most of the girls range from 6s-8s.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – There are usually over a dozen girls working after 9pm, but before that, you're lucky to see more than 2 or 3. The club really needs to make the day and night shifts overlap so that it isn't completely dead around the time that most people would consider stopping by for an after-work beer.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4.5/5) – You'll find a good mix of black, white, and Latina dancers of various body types if you're here when there's a good number of dancers. Even when I've only seen 2 girls working, the 2 have always been of different ethnicities. They lose half a point for the lack of Asians, but that's a problem shared by just about every club in New England.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – The girls aren't bad once you get their attention, but when the club is slow, the girls don't seem interested in interacting with the customers at all. I've come in, had a beer and left all while the one dancer just sat on the stage and the other dancer sat and talked to the club manager. If they aren't going to have many girls working, the few who are there should at least be putting in some effort.

Value (3/10) – Drinks are $5, the cover is $7 in the evening (free during the day shift), and the dances are $25 each. I've been quoted $180 for the Champagne room, but I wasn't interested for any price, so I have no idea if that could be negotiated down. The stage action is fairly solid for the money.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There's a 3.5 foot high wall and that separates the dance area from the rest of the club, but people walking by or sitting at the right angle can see right in, and the bouncer always has a clear view. There are strings of beads in front of the chairs, but they don't add any privacy. The chairs are basically a soft bench with arm rests separating one seat from the next, but they are fairly comfortable.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – This place looks somewhat classy inside, but there aren't enough tables and there are no dark corners where you can sit without feeling like everyone in the place could be watching you. There are some TVs around the walls and there's one TV showing a live video of the stage, but that's mostly pointless since the club is only one square room and you're never more than 20 feet from the stage. The bar and stage are both decent, but the lighting is so bright and the stage is in such a central location that you can't really sit there and stare without feeling creepy.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – The club is in a safe location and you can feel comfortable here, but it feels more like a place to go for a quick visit than a place to hang out for an long period of time. The lack of girls during the day and early evening combined with the classier setup makes me think that they're going for a nighttime party vibe, but if that's the case, they haven't been entirely successful.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – It's not particularly close to any big attractions, but it's only a minute away from I-84 between Hartford and Waterbury.

Overall – This has become one of my go-to clubs recently, but that's more out of convenience than it is due to anything that Hollywood is doing right. I've had visits that made me swear I'd never go back, but memories of a few excellent trips and the accessibility keep bringing me back. I won't be visiting again at night because unpredictability and cover charges don't mix and I probably shouldn't visit during the day shift (which lasts until 7) because of the lack of girls, but I know that I will. I'd never make a special trip to come here, but as long as you tell yourself that you're just stopping for a drink and that anything else is a bonus, it isn't a terrible option for a quick visit to break up the commute.

TOTAL SCORE = 38.5

Updated: August, 2010