Penthouse Club (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (12.5/20) – Two way contact is generally encouraged, but some of the girls keep the tits off limits if you’re just buying a single dance.  Even then, though, you still get a decent grind, and many of the girls are active over the pants with their hands.  Based on the fact that there have been prostitution busts here in the past, I assume that extras are at least occasionally available, but I haven’t personally received any of those offers.

Quality of Dancers (9/10) – These are, without question, the hottest girls in Pennsylvania.  There are fewer implants than I expected, all of the girls are at least decent, and there were several girls in the 9-10 range.  The bottom line is that these girls are hot enough that you no longer should have any need to ever to go Delilah’s, and that’s a good thing.   

Number of Dancers (8/10) – During prime time hours, they usually have two girls on the main stage, one girl dancing on top of the bar, and another one or two girls dancing on a narrow ledge off to the side. Plus they have a ton of girls working the crowd, so you should always be able to get some attention if you want it.  

Variety of Dancers (3/5) – Most of the girls are fairly thin, but there’s a nice mix of black and white dancers who are all attractive.

Attitudes (3.5/10) – They aren’t overly pushy and some of the girls are friendly, but prepare for the hustle, because most of these ladies are all business.  It can be a bit of a buzzkill, but it’s probably no worse than you’d expect for this type of club.

Value (1/10) – Don’t come here looking for a bargain, because this place is about as expensive as anywhere in town.  Beers are $6.75 each, there’s a bathroom attendant looking for a tip, dances are $20 (in the communal area that no one goes to) or $30 (in the private booths), and the VIP areas (they call them “sky boxes”) are $250 for 30 minutes, plus the cover is $20 and they have mandatory valet parking for $6.  It’s all so overpriced that I was actually glad that the Chink’s cheesesteak that I’d eaten before my first visit resulted in some potent gas that I dropped right before pulling up to the parking lot, not realizing that I couldn’t park my car myself.  Stew in it, you greedy pricks. 

Club Setup (7.5/10) – This is a very classy club, with multiple staircases down to a long, fancy stage with smoke effects extending the length of the club.  Small tables line the stage and more couches are nearby, and there are nice couches in raised areas around the exterior of the club, though most of them will be reserved on weekend evenings.  There’s also a nice, medium sized bar on the main level of the club, and that has a wide bar top where a girl will be dancing most of the time, and there’s another nice bar upstairs if you want to be away from the action. I wish they had more seats, but this is still a very nice club.    

Dance Setup (8/10) – They have $20 dances in a communal dance area, but I didn’t bother with that since the dance booths are only $10 more.  In the booths, there’s a comfortable couch and curtains close the opening, so it’s very private. 

Atmosphere (7.5/10) – This is a classy club, but it’s still fun enough that it would be a good choice for a night out with friends or a bachelor or bachelorette party.  The music is a little too loud, but there’s good variety and the bikini-clad bartendresses and waitresses help add to the solid vibe. 

Location (3/5) – If you’re just visiting Philadelphia, the Penthouse club will probably be fairly far north of where you’ll be staying, and driving there is a pain since they have mandatory valet parking.  Still, it’s only about 10 minutes from Center City and shouldn’t be too expensive to cab to. 

Overall – The Penthouse Club is my favorite strip joint in Philadelphia because it has the best combination of worthwhile dances and attractive dancers, but you need to be prepared to spend some cash, because it’s one of the most expensive clubs around.  If you’ve got it, though, it’s worth spending it here.     

RAW SCORE = 63

Six Point Eight Point Nine

A great scene from a tremendous show that pretty much nails my thought process when reviewing clubs (except I like to think I'm much less critical).

Stolen from the esteemed Kat of Tits and Sass. I've never met her, so I can't tell if she's shitting on me or just poking fun. I'm cool with it either way. I will say, though, that I take it as the ultimate compliment that she 1) apparently reads this blog and 2) assumed that people would know who she was talking about without dropping my name (or maybe I'm wrong and she didn't want to give me a free plug).

In an effort to be more worldly (or at least to give the impression that I am), I think I'm going to expand this blog over the next couple of months to cover more than just my strip club jaunts. We'll see how that works out. Wish me luck.

Club Fantasies (Providence, RI)

Quality of Dances (14/20) – I've very rarely had a bad dance at Fantasies. There has almost always been two-way contact and great grinding with a solid level of interest from the dancers. Unlike at several of the other Providence clubs, the girls here won't typically offer anything more than lap dances, but unless that's what you're looking for, you shouldn't have any complaints.

Quality of Dancers (4/10) – There has been a huge drop in the talent level at Fantasies over the past few years.  The cute young dancers that I used to see here in '06 and '07 have been replaced with slightly older, slightly more strung out girls who have lots of stretch marks and just generally look worn out.  Or, more depressingly, it's possible that those cute young girls haven't been replaced at all but that time hasn't been kind to them.  You still should be able to find a few attractive dancers, but the quality here no longer can compete with what you'd see at the Foxy Lady, Desire or the Cadillac Lounge.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – This is hard to rate because of the club’s two-floor setup (see below). If the club were one floor, I think this would jump a couple of points, but the dancers are split between the upstairs and the downstairs (some go back and forth, but many will stay on one floor the whole night), and since you’ll be spending most of your time on one of those two floors, you might miss a good chunk of the options.  And, even though there are still a lot of girls wandering around, the attractive ones are so rare that you're going to be waiting a while for anyone worthwhile.

Variety Dancers (2.5/5) – A decent mix of Latinas and black dancers breaks up the base of white girls, and there's plenty of size variation for men of almost all tastes.  Since there's not a lot of talent among the variety, I can't give them too high of a score, but I guess it's better to look at mediocre ladies of several races than of a single one.

Attitude of Dancers (5/10) – The girls here aren’t hustlers and they’re generally friendly, but it’s sometimes difficult to get their attention, which can be incredibly frustrating. And even if you do get their attention, they typically won't spend a whole lot of time sitting with customers.  

Value (6.5/10) – There's no cover before 6 PM, and it's a reasonable $10 after that if you're staying in the topless downstairs half of the club.  To get upstairs to the nude ladies will run you an additional $10, but you don't have to decide whether you're going up there until you look around the downstairs and see if you like any of the talent. Domestic beers are only $3. Dances vary from $20-30 depending on the girl, but Sunday through Tuesday during the days are two-for-one, so I strongly suggest you visit then. The real bang for your buck (almost literally) comes from the stage action. Many dancers will give a full contact off-the-stage straddling for a single dollar.

Dance Setup (4.5/10) – A series of paired booths (two booths facing each other) line the far wall of each floor. The pairing is irrelevant, because you should refuse to dance if someone is currently in the booth partnering yours. Even without someone in the other booth, though, privacy is limited. They’re deep enough that someone staring perpendicular to your booth couldn’t see what was going on, but anyone walking by has a clear shot. The upshot is that you don’t have to deal with bouncers at any point along the way, a benefit that added a full point to this rating.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – The downstairs is pretty ridiculous, with some sort of lame tropical theme going on. Overall, it seems more like a crappy chain restaurant than a strip club. But at least the stage is long and has decent seating. The upstairs is better, but not great. There's a fish tank and some plush chairs, but it's still difficult to hang out as a group. The bars are well placed and there is at least one wide-screen TV, but those perks can’t really save an otherwise weak design.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – The atmosphere is kind of weird in Fantasies. The girls on stage, despite giving huge individual value when they get tipped, basically don’t dance when they’re up there. No crazy pole tricks or handstands or whatever. They pretty much just bounce around in place until you catch their eye and then they come over to you. When you add that to the shitty club design, mediocre music and too-bright lighting, it falls short of my expectations.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – A short cab ride from downtown Providence makes Fantasies very accessible. It’s also not far off the interstate, so you can easily make the stop if you’re traveling through the Providence area.

Overall – There was a time when Fantasies was one of my favorite strip clubs, but a series of second-rate experiences has tainted my view. It still wouldn't be a terrible club in most areas, but it's no longer in the top tier of Providence clubs that includes the Cadillac Lounge, Desire and, arguably, the Foxy Lady.

RAW SCORE = 51.5

Fuck Mario

The owner of Centerfolds in Berlin, Connecticut? The mustachioed, track suit wearing motherfucker? Yeah, fuck him.

I don't need to get sued so I won't repeat any of the ridiculous stories that I've heard about the guy; I'll just say something that's beyond dispute. Mario is a piece of shit.

Platinum Plus (Allentown, PA)

Quality of Dances (13.5/20) – As with every Platinum Plus, lap dances are very solid here.  Upper body two-way contact is not only tolerated but encouraged, and most of the girls are active with their hands over the pants.  No one has offered me extras, but given what happens at some of this place’s other locations, I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that at least some girls offer some services in the champagne area. 

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – Maybe my expectations were too low given the location, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the consistently solid talent level at this club.  There are some trashy looking bleached blonds and one girl who I’m 99% sure was born with male parts, but most of these ladies are in the 7 to 8 range with cute faces and fit bodies.

Number of Dancers (7.5/10) – I’ve only visited on weekend evenings so I can’t speak to the afternoon numbers, but I’ve always seen well over a dozen ladies working.  That means that you’ll get all the attention you want, and much of the attention that you’d prefer to do without.

Variety of Dancers (2/5) – Most of the dancers are white, but I’ve seen a few black ladies and Asians mixed in, and the variety of bodies should be enough to satisfy a wide variety of preferences.

Attitudes (2/10) – As with the other Platinum Plus clubs, there are no set dance prices here, so you’re going to have to negotiate with each girl before agreeing to head to the lap dance room, and that can be kind of a buzzkill when the girls get pushy.  It’s a fine line between being cheap and being a pushover, and I’d usually rather just pay a set fee than having to walk that line while trying to have a relaxing evening.   

The worst thing, though, is that girls ask for cash before dances.  I understand why they ask for the dance fee in advance, and while I don’t like it, I can’t get too upset about it.  What I can get upset about is when, as has happened several times here, girls ask customers to prepay the tip.  One even asked for an extra tip after I handed her a $50 even though we’d agreed that I’d pay her $40 for the dances.  Unless the “tip” is really just payment for services that go above and beyond the typical lap dance, that should be based on how the dance goes.  And when they’re asking for extra cash in advance, it’s a fairly safe bet that the dance won’t go well.

Value (5.5/10) – You get free entry with a local sports ticket, but that deal seems like it would make a lot more sense in a city with major sports teams.  Assuming that you aren’t coming from a Lehigh sporting event or a minor league baseball game, the cover charge should be around $5.  Happy hour beers are a bargain at $2 each, and normal beer prices are still very reasonable at $3.75.  The value goes down slightly because they only give change in 2 dollar bills, so you feel obligated to spend all of them since you’ll get some strange looks if you try to use them elsewhere, but the stage action is usually impressive enough that you wouldn’t want to be tipping just a single anyway.  The real killer for the value, though, is the lap dances, since girls set their own prices and some of them set their prices high. Most will start off claiming that dances are $40 each, but you can talk the majority of them into 2 for $40 or something similar.  Unfortunately, the hottest girl that I’ve seen stuck to her initial outrageous offer, so you might have to spend too much if you have your heart set on one particular girl.  They do run 2-4-1 specials, but since the girls are picking their own prices, that probably won’t end up being a much better deal than the normal dances.  They also do short table dances for whatever you want to tip, and, occasionally, they do $2 dances in the main room.  They’re basically 30 second long table dances, but it’s a nice way to sample a girl for cheap before bothering to negotiate a price for a real dance. 

Club Setup (7/10) – This is a very nice, classy club.  The room is huge with high ceilings and a ton of small tables throughout, and there are two nice well-stocked stand-up bars along the walls.  The main stage has several tall poles, and there are two cage style satellite stages at opposite ends of the club.  It’s a little too dark, but that’s my only real complaint. 

Dance Setup (5/10) – The dance area is a separate room in the back of the club.  There are four rows of booths with high walls, so the only way that anyone will have a clear view of your activities is if they’re sitting directly across from you.  Fortunately, unless they’re very busy, that shouldn’t be a problem. 

Atmosphere (7/10) – The Platinum Plus has a relaxed but fun atmosphere and would be a great place to go for a bachelor party, a relaxing evening with the boys or even a night out with a first-time female customer.  It doesn’t really strike me as an after-work beer type of place, but it wouldn’t be terrible for that either. 

Location (3.5/5) – The club is between the airport and the ballpark just a few minutes from downtown Allentown.  You’ll unfortunately need to drive to get there and it might be a little awkward if you’re from the area since it’s located in a strip mall with several legitimate businesses, but there is at least plenty of parking. 

Overall –I like their Columbia, SC and Lexington, KY locations a little better than this one, but the Allentown Platinum Plus is still a very nice club.  I haven’t been blown away by any particular aspect of the place, but the atmosphere is good, the girls are hot, the dances are worthwhile, and it’s just generally a good time.

RAW SCORE = 60

Larry Flynt's Hustler Club (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of dances (11/20) - Like all Hustler clubs, the quality will vary considerably by dancer, but the average dance is always going to be very solid. My dances involved full two-way contact (apparently I was being too gentlemanly for one dancer, because she brought my hands straight to her tits about a minute in) and a skilled grind. Based on my experience at this and other Hustlers, I'm thinking that the minimum you'll get is some aggressive contact from her and an ability to let your hands wander (though you may not make it all the way to the tits before getting shut down).

Quality of dancers (4.5/10) - Before I start this category, I've got something to say about New Orleans women generally: they are soooo much less attractive than I expected. This was my first time there, and I had high hopes of gorgeous Southern belles roaming every nook and cranny of the city.  But God, was I disappointed. Now, maybe it's my fault for thinking that a city known for fried food and alcohol would produce a bunch of hotties, but I don't know. I feel like television and film completely misled me.

Anyway, the dancers at the Hustler were certainly hotter than the women walking about Bourbon Street. The problem is, they suffered from the inverted bell curve phenomenon that's more common at smaller divey places. Several women were D-listers who had no business working in one of the biggest clubs in arguably the biggest party city in America. Those bush leaguers were counterbalanced by some high end talent (particularly the black and biracial girls), which was nice, but not sufficient enough to impress me.

Number of dancers (6/10) - About eight dancers were working during my late evening (9:30-midnight) Sunday visit, and more seemed to be filtering in as I took off for the night. The ratio of dancers to customers was fine, but I'd still expect a few more, given the size of the club and the potential for it to get packed at pretty much any time.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) - Hustler NOLA scores big points for diversity: two black girls, an Hispanic woman, an Asian, and a mix of white Americans and Eastern Europeans. As for body type variety, they're mediocre at best, with most of the curves having been born on the operating room table. But with a couple of nice lap dances asse in the group, I guess I can't complain too much.

Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) - This is another category that will vary largely based on the dancer. The first three women on stage were ice cold. I would say they were just going through the motions, but that would be giving them way too much credit; they seemed completely disengaged as they simply walked around the pole and threw in some half-assed floor work. Watching those dancers led Pussy Control to formulate the only two rules that matter for strippers on stage, which I'm pretty sure she pulled from her dance troupe days. First:  Look up, not at the ground. And second: Smile. If you follow those rules, even if your pole work sucks, you're going to connect with people on some level and bring some life to the club. Luckily, a couple of dancers knew those rules and then some, which somewhat salvaged this score.

Value (6.5/10) - At $30, dances are probably overpriced. When they run 2-for-1's, which they do at various points throughout the night (at least on Sunday), they're a great value. My Miller Lites were $4 on a night where drinks were being billed as half price. Mixed drinks were $6. Because of the competition on Bourbon Street and the fact that this is the Hustler, I can't imagine a scenario where you'd ever pay a full $8 for a beer, but just make sure you check the website to confirm you're going on a drink special night (or, worst case scenario, you just run outside for a smoke break and knock back a cheap beer at one of the 25 bars/drink stands within 200 feet).

The cover charge system at Hustler, and on all of Bourbon Street, is really interesting. The cover is completely variable: it depends on the person, size of the group, time of night, and relative deadness of the club. Whoever is running the door makes all of the cover decisions, and their job is to gauge the market and adjust accordingly. Let me just say that I fucking love this. With all of the bars and clubs on Bourbon Street, the customer has a huge edge in cover negotiations, to the point where it's probably not a good idea to ever pay a cover at a strip club in New Orleans, unless you desperately want to go to a specific club. Also, this system is way better for the girls in the club. Instead of being hamstrung by some arbitrary management decision about the cover, the house mother can make on-the-fly adjustments that maximizes the number of customers in the club, which ultimately benefits the dancers. I wish everywhere worked like this.

Dance Setup (7/10) - Dances occur in a separate room in the back of the club. It's extremely dark, there's no bouncer and it's filled with large partitioned booths, most of which are blocked from viewing one another. The only possible issue is the fact that, to start a dance, girls literally have to take your money and feed it into a bill collecting machine. When $30 goes in, the light goes from green to red and the dance starts. At the end of your time (I'm 90% sure it's 180 seconds for a regular dance and 360 for a 2-for-1), the light goes back to red and the dance stops. Of course, because of the privacy, the dancers can keep going if they want to, so it's not hugely inconvenient for getting a little extra dance time.  Depending on your perspective, the whole thing is either an ingenious way of making sure that you aren't getting shorted on dances or a bit of a buzzkill. When you can see the clock counting down out of the corner of your eye, it's hard not to be distracted from the business at hand, but it is nice to know that no matter how drunk you get on Bourbon Street, you'll get the amount of dances you paid for.

Club Setup (8/10) - This is a very well-designed club. When you walk in, there's a long bar on your left hand side and large stage in the center outfitted with a 30 foot pole, which seems to be standard at the Hustler. The floor is littered with rolling chairs and small tables, and there are a couple of booths sitting against the walls. The second floor has additional seating and a great view overlooking the stage, and I'm pretty sure it's got a deck that overlooks Bourbon Street, although I didn't make it out there, so no guarantees. The best part of all is a large outdoor patio with a good-sized pole and a bunch of lounging chairs. Apparently, it's rarely used, and usually only for private events, but just the fact that it exists is pretty awesome. Also, you have to walk through that patio to get to the bathrooms, so it's not as if they close you off from it completely. You can still walk back there any time and hang out when you need a break or some fresh air.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) - I loved the lighting, nice and low, with a Vegas-like feel. This is the type of club where you feel completely immersed in the experience and lose track of the fact that there is a completely different world sitting just beyond the exit doors. Like I said above, it would have been nice to see some better pole action to amp up the crowd, but I'd be willing to bet that dancers step it up when it's not so dead, which it definitely was on this night.

Club Accessibility (5/5) - Perfect accessibility. Right on Bourbon Street, walking distance from everything, directly in the center of downtown New Orleans. It doesn't get better than this. 

Overall - Honestly, the overall score for Hustler NOLA feels too high to me. I triple-checked all of the categories and they're accurate, so the number will stand, but let me take this space to say that, usually when a club scores over a 60, I can basically guarantee you're going to have a great time there. Even though I liked many things about Hustler NOLA, I definitely can't make that guarantee, though you'll probably be happy with your experience. You certainly aren't going to have a bad time, I can tell you that. Just temper your expectations slightly and you should be good to go.

TOTAL SCORE = 63.5

The Cadillac Lounge (Providence, RI)

Quality of dances (16/20) - It loses a few points for lack of consistency, but a good dance here is great. Some of the girls will do extras if you opt for the VIP dances, but unlike at some of the other Providence clubs, they'll still put in the effort to give you your money's worth even if you're just getting a dance. Whereas the girls at Cheaters think, "I'll give you such a bad dance that you'll be forced to go to a private booth if you want to have a good time," these girls' strategy is to get you worked up enough that you might be willing to pay for more.

Quality of dancers (7.5/10) - There are a few too many bolt-on tits, but otherwise, the girls rate very well, Most of them fall in the 7-8 range, but it's not uncommon at all to find a girl or two who rate above that.  

Number of dancers (6.5/10) - There are usually multiple girls on stage and several girls mingling with the crowd. They spend a lot of time at the same tables, so you might have to wait a few minutes for someone to come over to you, but it's hard to complain when they have well over a dozen girls working on weekend evenings. During less busy times, the focus is more on quality than quantity, but the number of dancers is still usually sufficient.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) - The majority of the girls are white, but there are always several Latinas and a few black dancers in the mix.

Attitude of Dancers (2/10) - It's nice that a lot of ladies are happy to sit and chat before asking for dances, but there are way too many pushy dancers in this place.  During my most recent visit, I had to repeatedly tell a Jamaican dancer that I would not be spending any cash on her (I told her that even before she sat down), but she wouldn't leave me alone until I specifically told her to get lost.  Then she got upset and wanted a tip because I'd "wasted so much of her time."  The other girls weren't quite as bad, but several of them pull shit like waiting until you get up to the lap dance area to inform you that they don't do the $30 topless dances, so you'll need to pay $40 for the nude version.  Even if I'd been planning to buy the $40 dances, that pisses me off enough that I just tell them to forget it and go back downstairs to find another girl.

Value (3.5/10) - The $5 dances are a decent deal, but the $15 weekend cover, $30 topless dances and $40 nude dances are all too high.  The dances come close to being worth it, but I just have a hard time justifying more than $20 per dance no matter how good they are.  If you're looking to go to the VIP rooms, they're $50 to the club and whatever you negotiate to the girl.  Most girls quoted $150-250, but I wasn't looking for the VIP treatment so I don't know how flexible that is.    

Dance Setup (6.5/10) - The booths are lined up along a hallway upstairs and are deep enough that no one can see in unless they're walking by. The setup isn't perfect, but it's as good as you're going to get in Providence without dropping $25-50 for a private booth.

Club Setup (4.5/10) - There are high tables around the stage and some regular tables near the bar, and everyone has a solid view of the action. There aren't a ton of seats though, so it can get overcrowded when it's busy.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) - It doesn't seem possible that a club that has VIP rooms like these could be stuffy, but somehow this place found a way. Valet parking in Vegas might be classy, but for a club in an industrial part of Providence that shares a parking lot with an adult bookstore, it's just forced and ridiculous. The club does have a surprisingly clean and safe feel to it though, and I'm perfectly comfortable spending an evening there.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) - The area around the club is dead, but it's not far from I-95, isn't far from a few other clubs and is an easy cab ride from downtown Providence.

Overall - The Cadillac Lounge can be inconsistent, but it's a very good club if you find it at the right time. It's one of the best clubs in Providence and is probably one of the top five clubs in New England.

TOTAL SCORE = 57.5

Cheaters (Providence, RI)

Quality of dances (15/20) – The actual dances here aren't that great, but if you're looking for more than that, you'll find it. Actually, you don't even have to look. You'll be fighting off girls who are offering blow jobs and more from the second you walk in the door.

Quality of dancers (2/10) – In the afternoons, there are at least a few gems sprinkled in amongst the beasts. In the evenings, not so much.

Number of dancers (6/10) – There isn't a whole lot of quality to choose from, but there are somewhere around 20 girls working most of the time.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4.5/5) – They come in all colors, shapes, and sizes at Cheaters.

Attitude of Dancers (0/10) – Every girl claims that the dances cost a different amount. They'll purposely miscount the number of songs that have played. They'll try to get you to prepay for dances. They'll leave in the middle of a song if they get called to the stage, and they'll still expect you to pay the full amount ("I'll just finish the dance at the stage"). And if you turn down their offers for extras, they'll insult you and say that you're a cheap bastard. And don't think that getting a dance will get them to stop with the sales pitch; they'll just try to get you to pay more to go to the nude room or to a private booth.

Value (2/10) - The $5 cover and $5 cans of beer are both reasonable, but all the crazy fees add up to make dances a very poor value. They no longer offer lap dances on the topless side of the club, so you're going to have to pay the $10 fee to get into the nude side before you can get any dances.  Then you'll have to buy a $10 ticket every time that you want to get a dance, so you're $20 in the hole before you even start negotiating with the girl about her fee. I was quoted anywhere from $20 to $50 per song, on top of the other charges. The songs are long, but you need to make them count as they go, because they'll overcharge you otherwise. If you're looking for more than dances, though, the price is much more reasonable.  It's still $10 to get to the nude side plus $35 for the booth and whatever you negotiate with the girl for pretty much whatever you want to do.  $100 seems to be pretty standard, though the few attractive ladies may ask for more than that.

Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in a big open room that is visible to people in the nude part of the club. There are doors on the private dance booths, but I'm never in the mood to burn my clothes, so I still haven't personally checked the booths out.

Club Setup (2/10) - There's not much of anywhere to sit other than at the stage, where you'd have to tip one of the uglier women you've ever seen, or at the bar, where you'll be harassed until you get a dance or leave. There is a little more space upstairs, but there isn't usually much going on up there except some scary looking dudes playing pool.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) - This place has all the charm of a dark alley, which, coincidentally, is where most of the girls probably work when they aren't at the club.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Cheaters isn't downtown, but it's just a short cab ride away.

Overall - Cheaters barely qualifies as a strip club, but if I have to rate it as one, I'd say it sucks. On the other hand, if you like streetwalkers but don't have the patience to drive around looking for them, you'll love this place.

TOTAL SCORE = 37

4Play (Budapest, Hungary)

Quality of Dances (11.5/20) – The dances are long, nude and full contact, so you should have a fairly good experience.  When I didn’t take the initiative with contact, the one girl grabbed my hands and moved them to her tits, and most of the time when I wasn’t rubbing them, they were rubbing up against my face.  Sadly, there isn’t much of a grind and the girls waste part of the dance lying on the floor to let you see what you’re paying to touch.  Overall, though, not bad. 

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – There was a wider range of girls at 4Play than I saw at the other Budapest clubs, with some girls being absolutely stunning, and others being either too old or too out of shape for this line of work.  

Number of Dancers (6/10) – There weren’t a ton of dancers working during my visit (probably in the high single digits), but considering the size of the club and the size of the crowd, it was more than sufficient. 

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – Despite the variety of body types and ages, every attractive lady in the place was young, thin, and white. 

Attitudes (4/10) – As with all of the other clubs in Budapest (and possibly Europe), you’re going to have to buy the lady an overpriced drink if you want any company, but at least at this place, they’ll give you the courtesy of a tiny bit of small talk before asking.  They’re fairly friendly overall, and I was impressed that they provided the full 10 minute lap dances even without knowing that I was timing them. 

Value (3.5/10) – 8000 HUF (~ $40 US) may sound like a lot to spend for a lady champagne, but that’s the best deal that you’ll find in Budapest.  For your own drinks, it will be 1000 HUF for the shitty Hungarian beer or 1400 HUF for a Pilsner Urquell, which, for the record, tastes infinitely better when not having been shipped across the Atlantic in a green bottle.  The menu also indicates that they have cheaper draft beer, but they told me that they ran out of that, so I suspect that they never actually have it.  There’s no cover and the topless stage action is adequate, so it’s possible to have a reasonably priced visit to 4Play, and even the dances aren’t too terrible, at 7000 HUF (~ $35 US) for 7 minutes or 10000 HUF for 10 minutes. 

Club Setup (1.5/10) – This club is in a basement, and they’ve done a very poor job of disguising that fact.  There are three rooms to the club: a room with a bar with tiny stools and a shower stage that’s as small as a stand-up shower that you’d find in a house; a room with a very small stage and a few tables; and the main room with a small 2-poled stage, no stage seating, and several uncomfortable chairs.  And the whole place is lit up so brightly that it just makes the awkwardness of a dead club even worse. 

Dance Setup (4/10) – Lap dances are given in a separate part of the club in what looks and feels like a wine cellar.  Sheer curtains partially obscure the bench that you sit on, but they inexplicably stop just before the customer, so the guy next to you will have a clear view of your dance.  Not that it matters, though, since there’s a video camera perched in plain sight above you, capturing your every move. 

Atmosphere (2/10) – I really wanted to like this place, but it was absolutely dead while I was there at 11pm on a Friday night.  They swore to me that things would pick up around 1am, but I had no interest in wasting the better part of a night in Budapest to see whether they were right.  I’m skeptical, because I went straight from here to Hallo Bar, and that place was hopping. 

Location (3.5/5) – The club is walkable from Marilyn Table Dance Bar, Hallo Bar, and many of the hotels on the east side of the Danube, but it’s a fairly long and uneventful walk from any of those places.  It seems like a safe enough area though.

Overall – If the atmosphere were a little more lively, I’d say that you should visit 4Play, but, as is, you won’t be making a huge mistake if you don’t get a chance to stop by.  Having said that, it’s not a bad club by any means.  I prefer Marilyn Table Dance Bar overall, but 4Play narrowly has the best prices and friendliest dancers in town. 

RAW SCORE = 44

Palace Club (Budapest, Hungary)

Quality of Dances (10.5/20) – The privacy leads me to believe that more may be available from some of the girls, but all of my dances had little to no grind and nothing extra was offered.  Still, they weren’t bad at all with the girls getting naked and encouraging upper body groping. 

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – Some of the ladies have a hard, stereotypical Eastern European look, but most of them are fairly attractive and would rate somewhere around a 7 on the 0-10 scale.  One girl was absolutely stunning, but I wouldn’t count on meeting her, and due to her attitude, you might be better off if you don’t. 

Number of Dancers (7.5/10) – For such a small club to have over a dozen ladies working was very impressive.  Every group of guys was joined by at least one lady, and several more were just waiting for the opportunity to pounce. 

Variety of Dancers (0/5) – If thin white girls aren’t your preference, you’re out of luck at this place, because that’s all they have.

Attitudes (0.5/10) – Things started off promisingly, with most of the girls sitting and chatting until the waitress came by to ask if I’d like to “buy the lady a drink.”  If a club insists on using the dancer drink business model, that’s the way they should do it, so that was appreciated.  Then, the girls were even friendly while sipping their drinks and chatting, but things went south once they started the lap dance sales pitch. With several girls, it followed the same pattern: get me to agree to one dance (which I was more than willing to do), then try to upsell me to get more expensive dance options.  That’s not totally unexpected, but one girl in particular got belligerent when I declined her offer of a 70,000 HUF dance (about $350 US).  I’d already dropped about 40,000 HUF on her by this point, but she spent the entire 10 minute long dance calling me cheap and asking why I couldn’t spend money like all the other guys (who, by the way, didn’t appear to be spending much of anything).  Initially, the truth was that I needed to save some cash so that I could sample multiple girls and make this a more accurate review, but by the end, I had the additional justification that she was being a huge bitch.  

Value (0/10) – This, and it’s sister club, P1, were the only places in Budapest where they tried to charge a cover charge.  Here, it’s normally 3000 HUF, though it’s a better deal to print out the coupon from their website that gets you entry and 2 hours of pen bar for 6000 HUF.  Even if you just have 2 beers, since they’re 1900 HUF each, you’ll come out ahead.  Still, it’s pretty insulting to be charged a any cover at a club where you’re expected to buy inflated dancer drinks that start at 18000 HUF and go way up from there.  And, to make matters worse, they pour a glass of champagne for you from the lady’s bottle so that it will go faster.  Basically, they use every move from the how-to-nickel-and-dime-your-customers handbook.  The dances are the only aspect of this club that are an ok deal, at 10,000 HUF for 10 minutes, but agreeing to that is really just opening you up for an aggressive sales pitch for dances that are several times that expensive.   

Club Setup (4/10) – When you enter the place from the street, you’d think that it’s just a very unpopular restaurant, but the club is downstairs in a room that almost feels like a miniature airplane hangar.  There’s bench seating along the wall and nin small tables in front of the bench, so everyone has a great view of what may be the smallest main stage I’ve ever seen.  It couldn’t be more than about 4 feet by 4 feet.  Needless to say, there are no crazy acrobatics going on up there.  There’s also a nice bar in this room and a separate room with a few booths and another small, unused stage, but everyone seems to stick with the bench seating unless the place is busy. 

Dance Setup (10/10) – Dances are given on couches in fairly large individual rooms that are enclosed by opaque curtains.  There are a lot of things that I dislike about this club, but I have absolutely no complaints about the dance setup. 

Atmosphere (6/10) – The crowd was good and the atmosphere, while somewhat low key, was pretty solid.  If you can ignore the pushier dancers, this isn’t a bad place to have a few beers.

Location (5/5) – Palace is located right behind St. Stephen’s Basilica and is within easy walking distance of the Chain Bridge and most of the main tourist attractions in town.  The closest strip club is this place’s sister club, P1, but if you’re looking for better alternatives, Hallo Bar and Marilyn Table Dance Bar are both easily accessible from here as well.    

Overall – Unless you’re willing to make some enemies by drinking heavily for the 2 hour open bar while rejecting most or all of the approaching ladies, I’d skip palace.  It’s designed to take money from uninformed tourists, but luckily that’s not you. 

RAW SCORE = 46.5

Darling Cabaret (Prague, Czech Republic)

Quality of Dances (19/20) – You won’t find dances much better than these.  If you opt for the 1500 czk version (~$75 US), tit sucking is encouraged and you get full two way contact, some aggressive stick shifting and some excellent grinding from a nude dancer.  If you want more than that, though, it’s available from most if not all of the ladies.  I was quoted 2400 czk for a blowjob or 3000 czk for sex, but I was just looking for dances, so I don’t know whether those prices are firm.  If they are, they’re on the high side for Prague, but you get what you pay for, because these ladies are stunning.

Quality of Dancers (9.5/10) – In a city of beautiful women, these are some of the best.  Nowhere, Darling included, can quite match Goldfingers’ A-team, but the ladies at this place are as good or better than any other club’s offering.  If you restrict the discussion to clubs where sex is openly available then it’s no contest – Darling comes out on top by a fairly wide margin.

Number of Dancers (9.5/10) – I don’t know that I’ve ever seen more girls per square foot in a stripclub than at Darling.  They’re everywhere, which is very nice on the eyes ,but can be a pain if you’re trying to relax since you’ll have to constantly fight off the approaching ladies. 

Variety of Dancers (0.5/5) – A room full of thin white girls usually bores me after a while, but when they’re this gorgeous, I’m not going to complain.  Still, half a point for a mix of hot blonds and hot brunettes is all that I can give. 

Attitudes (0.5/10) – I’ve been in plenty of clubs where I’ll buy a dance only to have the girl do an intentionally shitty job while trying to convince me to pay more so that “we can really have some fun.”  That wasn’t the case here, though, with all of the ladies giving a solid dance before making another attempt to get me to agree to one of the more intimate options.  Unfortunately, the fact that they deliver in the lap dance rooms is about the only good thing I can say about these ladies.  The sales pitch to buy that initial dance and an overpriced (~690 czk) lady drink is relentless.  It starts from the time you sit down until you leave, and many of the ladies won’t give up without you demanding that they go away, and even then they’ll throw in some parting shots about what a cheap bastard you are.  

Value (1.5/10) – They would love to rip you off, so be smart, leave your credit cards and ATM cards in your room, and pay as you go.  Just as an example of their bait and switch tactics, they have a sign outside advertising “free entry,” but they don’t tell you that it’s only to sit at a depressing little satellite stage that’s in a separate room from the actual club.  To get into the real club will cost you 300 czk, and each beer is another 300 czk, so you’re about $30 US in by the time you sit down.  Throw in a 690 czk lady drink and a 1500 czk dance, and you’re up to about $140 US.  The stage value is good and the sights are amazing, but you better bring some serious cash if you plan on staying long enough to really enjoy them. 

Club Setup (8/10) – Darling Cabaret is a beautiful two-story club.  Downstairs is the main stage and lots of seating, and upstairs is a lively balcony area overlooking the main stage.  There are more tables and small stages up there, plus there are a few bar areas throughout the club.  Whether you’re part of a large group or by yourself, the setup should provide you with somewhere excellent to take in the sights. 

Dance Setup (9/10) – The dance area is an elevator ride away from the main club, and you get your own private curtained room up there.  There are signs in the rooms indicating that there’s a no-contact zone between customers and dancers, but I thankfully can report that this is not enforced.

Atmosphere (6.5/10) – The hustling dancers do their best to ruin it, but otherwise, this place has an amazing party atmosphere on peak nights.  For a bachelor party or as part of a night out on the town, it would be pretty much perfect.  I found it to be a little more laid back on a Sunday night, but even then, it was a lot of fun.  As long as you’re either prepared to constantly drop cash on lady drinks or can make peace with the fact that you’re going to look like a cheapskate, you should have a good time.

Location (5/5) – Darling Cabaret is just steps away from Wenceslas Square and is directly across an alley from Atlas Cabaret.  It’s the ideal location for most visitors to Prague, and is particularly glorious if you stay next door at the very nice K+K Fenix Hotel. 

Overall – Darling Cabaret reminds me a lot of the Hong Kong club in Tijuana.  Sure, these women are white and the prices are significantly higher, but both places have great party atmospheres, amazingly hot girls everywhere you look, excellent lap dances, and readily available sex.  The big difference is the big drawbacks of each club: here, it’s aggressive, borderline belligerent dancers; at Hong Kong, it’s the possibility of being kidnapped, held for ransom and murdered by a cartel.  It’s kind of a tossup. 

You might ultimately find that you prefer Goldfingers or Cabaret Carioca to this place due to their less aggressive girls (though don’t expect to find anything more than lapdances at those places), but whether it’s for a bachelor party or just a fun night out, I’d plan to make a stop at Darling Cabaret a part of any visit to Prague. 

RAW SCORE = 69

Cabaret Carioca (Prague, Czech Republic)

Quality of Dances (10.5/20) – You won’t be getting any extra services or a whole lot of grinding, but otherwise, the 1500 czk (~$75) dances are very enjoyable.  The only rules were that I couldn’t “touch the pussy or kiss the mouth,” both of which I was perfectly fine with.  Unfortunately, the contact will only be one way if you stick to the slightly less overpriced 1000 czk option, but I probably wouldn’t bother with either opinion at these prices. 

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – These girls are a small step down from what you’d find across the square at Goldfingers, but they’re still very attractive and all fall within the 7-9 range.  It varies from one night to the next, but I’ve generally found them to be among the hottest dancers in Prague. 

Number of Dancers (6/10) – If you want company, you’ll get it almost immediately, but most of the girls hang out in the dressing room if customers aren’t buying ladies drinks.  The real reason to come here, though, is to drink some beer while taking in the stage show, and the number of girls is perfect for that.  The stage is always occupied, often with multiple girls, and it takes a long time until they have to repeat performers. 

Variety of Dancers (0/5) – Over the course of three visits, I’ve seen exactly one dancer who wasn’t white and thin.  She was white and had an average build. 

Attitudes (5.5/10) – “If you want to be left alone, that’s no problem.  If you want some company, here are the prices for drinks.”  The dancer won’t bother chatting if you don’t buy her a marked up drink, but at least they’re honest and straightforward without the bullshit here.  Plus, they’re fairly friendly if you do buy them drinks, and most of the ladies don’t ask for tips.  For a club that relies on selling dancer drinks (which is pretty much every club in Europe), this is as good as it gets. 

Value (4/10) – As long as you keep lapdances (starting at 1000 czk and going all the way up to 8000 czk) to a minimum and specify that you’re only buying the 240 czk dancer drinks (they go up to 10 times that much), the value at Cabaret Carioca is pretty solid.  The well-choreographed stage show can be viewed for free, and often includes some light girl-girl action.  The real value, though, is that you can get entry and 5 small Budweisers (produced in Budweis, Czech Republic – no relation to the American brewery) for 200 czk (about $10 US).  They should offer that at the door anyway, but if you want to be safe, you can get of the their street salesmen to take you to the entrance, though you might want to take your chances first because those street guys are pretty sketchy.  I made the mistake of talking to one of them while I still had half a can of beer and part of a sausage to finish (yes, drinking in the square is perfectly acceptable), so I had to hear his theories about how black people who are born in the U.S. or Britain have normal intelligence, but the ones born in Africa “do not have fully developed brains.”  I just backed away slowly and went to his Senegalese co-worker so that that guy could get the commission instead.  Anyway, once you use your drink tickets, beers are a reasonable 90 czk each.   

Club Setup (6.5/10) – This is a fairly small club in a basement just of Wenceslas Square.  There’s a tiny bar area at the entrance, but there’s no reason to spend any time in there except when you’re using your drink tickets.  In the main room, there’s a nice long 3-polled stage in the center of the room with several small tables around it, then there’s a raised area around the perimeter with more tables and several booths that work for groups of up to 4 or 5.  It’s not overly fancy, but for a laidback club, it works. 

Dance Setup (6/10) – Dances are given in a separate hallway, so no one can see you from the main part of the club, plus curtains block the view of most other dance recipients.  There are 3 seats inside each of the curtains, so it’s possible that you’ll have some company if it’s busy, but otherwise you’ll be left alone.  And even if other guys are back there, there’re mirrors optimally angled for each dance seat, so everything will have much better things to look at than your dance. 

Atmosphere (6.5/10) – I wouldn’t bring a bachelor party here, but for solo strip club goers and small groups who want to relax, down a few beers and take in the sights in a low hustle environment, there’s nowhere better in Prague.  It’s become my go-to place for bridging the gap between a heavy, pork-based dinner, and hitting the more high energy night spots. 

Location (5/5) – It’s a little hard to see from the street since it’s down a little hallway, but Cabaret Carioca is just off Wenceslas Square, right in the middle of all the action.  There’s really no excuse for you to stay anywhere that isn’t within walking distance of this and the other half-dozen-plus clubs in the area.

Overall – Cabaret Carioca isn’t the craziest spot and their lapdances are a huge waste of cash, but I like it a lot as a place to drink some cheap beers, see some nice stageshows, and relax before really hitting the town. 

RAW SCORE = 58.5