Singapore City Guide

You may be surprised to learn that pay-for-play sex is readily available in one of the most conservative law & order cities on earth, but it’s actually very easy to find in Singapore if you know where to look.  I’m not an expert on the Singapore scene (strip clubs are my specialty and Singapore unfortunately doesn’t have any) and you should definitely do some additional research elsewhere if you’re planning a trip, but this is a very brief primer for you if you’re looking for adult entertainment in Singapore. 

There are two areas of primary interest: Geylang and Orchard Towers. 

Geylang is a somewhat run-down part of town with some delicious food and some very cheap sexual entertainment options.  Lorong 2 through Lorong 30 run south from Geylang Road and are home to many Thai, Indonesian and Chinese girls who will offer sex to foreigners for somewhere between $40 to $150.  There are some girls working the streets near the center of the zone, and an offer of sex for somewhere around $70 plus $10 to rent a dumpy room in one of the motels in the area for a very short stay seemed to be about average, though you can certainly find cheaper if you’re willing to browse.  The brothels in the area are slightly more expensive, with prices in the $50-100 range.  The Thai and Indonesian girls are located mostly in the lower half of the Lorongs (2-18) and are generally a little cheaper than the Chinese girls, but all of Geylang is a relative bargain.

If you don’t mind spending more money and waiting until the evening, your other option is the Orchard Towers.  The fact that even the Lonely Planet guide book refers to this as the “Four Floors of Whores” should tell you what to expect here.  It’s basically a shopping center filled with bars that cater to freelancing girls and guys who don’t mind spending somewhere north of $300 to take a girl back to their room.  For the most part, the girls here aren’t that much hotter than the ones in Geylang, but there are usually a few complete stunners working at Ipanema.  They have a little better variety than in Geylang as well, with some white women from Russia and Eastern Europe mixed in with the Thai and Chinese girls. 

Overall, Singapore is a great city, but it shouldn’t make the short list of destinations for any sex tourists.  Still, if you’re there for the shopping, or, better yet, the food (any of the hawker centers are amazing, but Maxwell Road was my go-to spot), you shouldn’t have any problems fitting in some adult entertainment during your stay.

TS Music Strip Live Theater (Tokyo, Japan)

TS Music is fucking weird. 

You pay your 5000 yen cover to the guy at the front desk, then go into an insanely cramped room where the following announcement is made over the loudspeaker: “please be silent – no personal talks during performance.”  You and a room full of Japanese businessmen then watch a girl perform a well-choreographed two song stage set that’s fairly impressive in an artistic sort of way.  Some of the girls only strip off their clothes as the lights go out at the end of the show and others take off everything, with one even going so far as to vigorously masturbate while a very religious gospel song played, but no one really cares about the show anyway. 

The real attraction for this crowd is that, after three stage shows, the club turns up the lights and those three girls come out to sell some shit (it looked like panties in a bag, but I can’t confirm that) and pose for pictures.  Now, the important thing to remember here is that all Japanese porn is pixelated, so there’s a reason that most of the guys stare at the ladies like they’ve never seen a vagina before. 

Their only chance to get uncensored nude pictures is to make their own here, and they take full advantage.  Some guys get in the pictures with the girls and others get the girls to pose for full body shots, but most just place the camera between the girl’s legs and get extreme close-up vag shots.  My favorite was the one guy who meticulously posed a girl on her knees with one hand on her hip while she looked over her shoulder, then he zoomed in so far on her crotch that it was all that was visible in the photo anyway.     

It’s not fair to rate TS Music as a strip club since it’s really more of a photo shoot location/cultural experience, but I’ll give it a shot…

Quality of Dancers (9/10) – I have no idea what the "TS" in the name means, but these ladies are definitely not trannies. Every dancer that I saw here was very hot, with most being in the 8-10 range. It wasn’t quite enough to get me to ever go back, but it came close. 

Number of Dancers (4/10) – It was hard to get a good read on how many girls were working since only one is on stage during the shows, three come out for photos at a time, and none work the crowd, but I didn’t see any repeat performers during the hour or so that I stuck around.

Variety of Dancers (0.5/5) – If you’re not into thin Japanese women, you’re out of luck here.   

Attitudes (8/10) – I didn’t get any photos, so I have no idea whether they speak English, but the girls were all friendly to the perverts who went up to the stage and they seemed happy to pose in whatever ridiculous ways the guys requested.  

Value (1/10) – The 5000 yen (about $60 US) cover is insanely high if you just want to look, but the 500 yen fee to take photos of the girls seems reasonable I guess. 

Club Setup (0/10) – They have several rows of chairs all facing the fairly large stage, but I’ve never been in a club as cramped as TS Music.  Hell, I’ve never been in an airplane as cramped as TS Music.  Unless you’re very short, your knees will be pressing against the chair in front of you.  

Atmosphere (0/10) – Sitting in silence with a bunch of horny businessmen is mildly amusing for a few minutes, but it’s definitely not the place to go for a fun night out, especially since they don’t serve drinks.   

Quality of Dances (0/20) and Dance Setup (0/10) – There are no lap dances at TS Music. 

Location (5/5) – TS Music is in Kabukicho and is easily accessible by the Tokyo Metro.  

  

RAW SCORE = 27.5

Overall – Don’t go to TS Music expecting a Western style strip club, because it’s horrible if you judge it by that standard.  If you’re looking for a uniquely Japanese cultural experience, though, it fits the bill.  I won’t be returning, but I’m glad to have gotten to see it once.   

Bangkok City Guide (Soi Cowboy & Nana Plaza)

There are so many adult entertainment options in Bangkok that I’m not even going to try to recommend specific establishments, but I’ll give a brief overview of the city so that you can do some more research on whatever aspects interest you the most. 

Soi Cowboy

There are massage parlors all over town and you can easily pick up a freelance working girl in the backpacker paradise that is Khao San Road or any of the after hours discotheques, but there are really three main red light districts: Soi Cowboy, Nana Plaza and Patpong. 

Patpong is home to the famous ping pong ball shows, but Nana and Soi Cowboy are the premier destinations if you’re looking for sex.  The ping pong shows are basically a circus act, with the girls shooting ping pong balls out of their pussies at paddle wielding customers, so they’re definitely more entertaining than they are sexy.  I visited one, but once they started shooting darts across the room at strategically placed balloons, I decided that I’d had enough of that forever. 

Nana Plaza

Nana Plaza is a four story complex of go go bars where you can have some beers, chat up some girls (expect to pay somewhere around 150 baht each for drinks for the ladies who you want to talk to), and pay the “bar fine” of somewhere around 600 baht (a little under $20 US) to the club to take the girl out.  That fee only gets the girl out of the bar though, so you’re going to have to negotiate any extra services with the girls before you pay the bar fine.  The girls set their own prices, but 2000 baht to take her to your hotel room for an hour or two is pretty typical, and you can take her for the night for somewhere around double that.  Of course, you can also take the girl to dinner or to a discotheque or wherever you want, but you should probably expect to pay about the same amount of money as you would if you were fucking, because they value their time at least as much as they value their sex.  My real recommendation, if you’re in town for a while, is to hire one of the bar girls to be your tour guide to the local’s Bangkok on one of your first nights there, because that worked out amazingly well for me.  No regular tour guide would have had me drinking beer and eating crickets by the river at 4am, but it was one of the highlights of my first trip to Thailand. 

Poster showing the ladyboys working
at one of the Nana Plaza bars.

I should note that, if you’re looking for ladyboys, there are several good bars for that in Nana Plaza as well.  I hear that you really want to take a trip to Pattaya if ladyboys are anything more than a curiosity to you, but they’re not to me, and I haven’t gotten to Pattaya, so I can’t really give specific advice there.  At Nana, though, they’ll provide the same services as the girls on the same bar fine system, but it’s worth stopping into one of the bars for the show and a beer even if you just want to get a peek. I have to admit that some of those “ladies” are stunning.  You really could almost forget that they have male parts, at least until you end up beside one of them at the urinals.  That’s awkward.  

Soi Cowboy is very similar to Nana Plaza, although it has a slightly less pervy atmosphere, and it's just a relatively short walk down Sukhumvit.  If you’ve seen The Hangover 2, you’ll recognize it as the street where the wolf pack causes a riot outside of a ladyboy bar, but basically it’s just a short street full of neon lights and bars. It’s my favorite of the Bangkok red light areas and has lots of places that are solid for drinking beer and checking out the girls, and it’s definitely worth walking down even if you aren’t planning to take anyone back to your room.  If you are, though, it works for that too.  The After Skool bar is a place where you can get a bj while having a beer (so I’ve been told) and Cock-a-too is a ladyboy bar, but pretty much everywhere else on the street is a go go bar that works on the same bar fine model that I described above. 

Tilac (seen in The Hangover, but ladyboy-free in real life), Baccara and Shark are three of the most highly rated Soi Cowboy places, so that's where I’ve spent most of my time.  All of them have dozens of hot girls, but they each have their own advantages and disadvantages.  Tilac has down to earth ladies and my favorite bathroom setup of all time (two way glass above the urinals allows you to watch the stage while you piss), but all of the ladies wear bikinis.  Shark might have slightly less ladies, but their girls do at least wear sheer tops so you can see some nipple.  Baccara girls are the biggest hustlers on the block, but they’re also probably the most attractive, and you can see the most nudity there as well.  They have bikini clad girls on the main floor, but there’s a glass ceiling above you, and the girls dancing on that wear short skirts and no panties, so you can get quite a view if you don’t mind craning your neck and looking like a pervert.  You’re in a bar full of guys who are hoping to spend somewhere around $70 to fuck 20 year olds though, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that.  The ladies upstairs also dance topless at times, and you can sit up there to enjoy that show. 

The bars don’t open until around 7pm, so you’re going to need some other options if you’re looking for daytime action. Your best bets are going to be one of the massage parlors, the Eden club on Sukhumvit Soi 7/1 where you’re required to hire at least two girls at a time, or a blowjob bar like Lolitas just down the second alley off Sukhumvit Soi 8.  A beer and a bj will run you a little under 1000 baht in there, though it’s a little depressing to think about how much those girls are getting for each “job” assuming that the club takes at least half of your $30, so you might want to consider giving a tip. 

As for lodging, Jasmine Executive Suites is right around the corner from Soi Cowboy and is my personal favorite place to stay, but you’ll probably be fine at just about any of the places near Nana Plaza or Soi Cowboy. Just book the room for two so that they don’t try to hit you with an extra guest fee if you take a girl back to your room with you. In theory, you could stay further away from Sukhumvit and compensate the girl accordingly or utilize one of the short stay places near the clubs, but I don’t think there’s any advantage to doing that unless you have business to do elsewhere in Bangkok.

Bangkok can be overwhelming, but everything is cheap enough that you really can’t make any irreparable mistakes (assuming you wear a condom), so you should relax, go with the flow, and have some fun.  Most importantly, though, just go there.  You will not regret it.       

New Hot Point (Tokyo, Japan)

Hot New Point is more of a peep show than a strip club, but it's really just a handjob/blowjob factory, as evidenced by the ridiculous sign in the booths showing a smiling cartoon dick getting a BJ for 4000 yen and a HJ for 2000 yen.  

Basically, the way that it works is that you go to the guy at the front desk and tell him if, in addition to watching the stage show for 2000 yen, you want a hand job (2000 yen), a hand job with touching (3000 yen), or a blow job with a condom (4000 yen) from one of the girls who you choose on a digital picture frame.  He probably won't speak English and will kick you out if he can't understand you, so just make sure that you have this review on your smartphone screen and point at the price on this menu that matches up with what you want.  

Once you've made your selection, you give your 2000 yen cover charge to the guy and awkwardly wait around with other perverts for the previous show to end.  Technically, you're supposed to turn in any cameras or phones at this point, so I'd leave them in your hotel if you don't trust the club.  Eventually, you'll be taken to one of several private booths that have one-way glass facing a tiny stage where two girls will each perform a two song set.  Both girls that I saw where quite cute and looked just as good as they did in the digital picture frame at the front desk.  During the first girl's set, the second girl will come around to collect any additional money from you.  Once the stage show ends, the girls will go booth to booth giving hand jobs and blow jobs, and you get to wait your turn while you hear her slurp away on someone else.  I guess it helps knowing that they don't offer bareback services, but it was still disconcerting enough that it seemed like a good idea for me to feign a bathroom emergency and get the hell out of there before my turn.  

If it sounds like fun to you, though, then more power to you.  I could try to describe the location, but you're probably better off just using the map on their website. There will be guys outside (probably, but not necessarily Africans) trying to pressure you into going somewhere else where you'd surely be ripped off, but just ignore them and keep walking and you'll be fine. 

Magic Gardens (Portland, OR)

Quality of dances (6.5/20) – The Portland no-touching (by you) rules are in full effect here, a fact the bouncer quickly reminded me of when I planted my hand on a girl’s thigh just above her kneecap, even though she initiated the move. Anyway, don’t expect two way contact under any circumstances.  

Quality of dancers (8/10) – They’re hot. Are they as hot as the women at some other clubs in Portland? Probably not. But they’re still getting the job done and then some.

Number of dancers (3.5/10) – There were two dancers working in the early afternoon. Wanting to be thorough, I asked the bartender whether that changed at night, and he told me that it doesn’t. Magic Gardens has three shifts: Noon to four; four to nine; and nine to close. Each of those shifts has exactly two dancers. Always. Given the size of the club and the number of customers it likely draws, I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad management decision (and it’s probably very beneficial to the dancers, which is always a good thing).

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – It’s Portland. The women are white. SURPRISE!! I saw some variance in body type, including one perfect lap dance ass, which is the only thing keeping this number out of the gutter.

Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) – Everyone that I met was really friendly and personable, just as it should be in a locals club like this. I’m confident that most of these women hang out at the bar and shoot the shit with their regulars during the short breaks between their stage sets. I really like that vibe. 

Value (5/10) – There’s no cover, it’s $3 for a pint of PBR and $5 for the delicious Portland staple: Black Butte Porter. You won’t get any real mileage at the stage in terms of contact, but you’ll get as much performance art as the women can give you with the club’s physical limitations.

Dance Setup (.5/10) – The dance area is an outcropping right around the corner from the club’s entrance, maybe 8-10 feet from the stage. It’s in full view of everyone in the club, save for four or five people sitting at the right edge of the bar. There are no partitions and no comfy chairs, and basically nothing to distinguish it from the rest of the club. This setup is as bare as the vagina that will be staring back at you for the three and a half minutes you’re over there.

Club Setup (4/10) – It’s got a pool table. And a cigarette machine. And video poker. And the list of positives about the Magic Gardens setup ends there. This is a tiny club with a wall-length bar on one side when you walk in (okay, I guess the bar is pretty solid) and a small stage on the other. The stage doesn’t have a pole, which is troublesome anywhere, but particularly frustrating in Portland because the acrobatic skill of dancers across the city is so high. The front door opens directly to the street and any passerby can see virtually the entire club whenever that door swings wide. To say that’s sub-optimal is to severely understate the case. With all those complaints, this setup should probably score a 2. Nevertheless, Magic Gardens does something to add up to more than the sum of its parts in this category, so I gave it a little bump.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – Exactly what you’d expect for such a club. Very chill vibe. Probably never gonna get rowdy in there. A real nice place to start if you’re trying to visit ten strip clubs in 24 hours.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Just steps from the MAX and within an 8 minute walk of virtually everything in the NW quadrant of Portland, Magic Gardens is as accessible a club as you’ll find anywhere. Technically, it’s in Chinatown, and some people say that Chinatown in Portland is dangerous and you shouldn’t go there. I say those people are huge pussies. Don’t let that deter you.

Overall – Magic Gardens is pretty much the definition of a locals club. It’s the type of place that you’d never go out of your way to make a trip to, but would probably spend a bunch of time at if you lived around the corner. Although someplace like this would never get my official seal of approval, I can safely say that I like it.

TOTAL SCORE = 46.5

Deja Vu New Orleans (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (14/20) – I got a good grind and plenty of two-way contact, and even got some unsolicited offers for extra services.  As far as Bourbon Street dances go, these are quite good.

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – These ladies are a small step down from Hustler and Little Darlings, but are mostly pretty decent with a few stunners and a few not so great.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They had more than enough ladies working for the slow night that I was there, with one girl on stage and several working the crowd at all times.

Variety of Dancers (2.5/5) – There’s a higher percentage of black dancers at Déjà Vu than at the other Bourbon Street Déjà Vu clubs (Hustler and Barely Legal), but there are still plenty of white women and a mix of thick and thin ladies. 

Attitudes (3/10) – These ladies aren’t unfriendly, but they hustle hard and several of them gave some of the most awkwardly delivered canned lines that I’ve ever heard.  I’m not going to hold one girl against the whole club, but I was particularly amused by the girl who called me a “scared chicken” because I turned down her offer of a BJ.  

Value (4.5/10) – They had a $6 cover on a night when most of the other clubs were free, but the $4 beers and 3 for $100 lap dances are both reasonable.  I was quoted $300 for the private dances upstairs, but was told that I’d be “satisfied” if I wanted to spend $200 and go to the last booth.

Club Setup (5.5/10) – The main room has very high ceilings and somewhat of a warehouse feel to it, but it’s still a decent club overall.  The main stage is reasonably large and has tall poles that allow for some tricks, there’s a standup bar along the right side wall, and a bunch of small tables with rolly chairs fill the rest of the room.   

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – Dances are given in nicely angled booths that are very similar to what they have across the street at Hustler, but the big difference is that there are no dance counting machines in here.  That’s a good thing if you negotiate a deal with your dancer and are sober enough to count.  It was a very bad thing for me.

Atmosphere (6/10) – The warehouse setting makes it a little weird and it’s definitely not upscale, but it’s still a good place to party with some friends.

Location (5/5) – As with all of the other Bourbon Street clubs, Déjà Vu has the perfect location.

Overall – Déjà Vu is a solid club that’s one of several places worth peeking your head into on Bourbon Street.  It’s not consistent enough for me to guarantee that you’ll have a good time, but it certainly has potential and you’re probably more likely to find extras here than at any of the other decent French Quarter clubs (Penthouse, Hustler and Barely Legal).

RAW SCORE = 58.5