First of all, I hate feature dancers. More often than not, they're over-the-hill pornstars with terrible fake tits, they're magnets for large groups of meatheads, they either don't give lapdances or they give shitty lapdances for somewhere around $100, and you have to pay 2 to 4 times the usual cover just to get into the club. And I hate pornstars whose big selling point is that they look like little girls. Wearing your hair in pigtails does not make you look young; it just makes you look like a sad 20-something who isn't hot enough to get by in the world of porn without a gimmick. So when you combine my dislike of feature dancers with my distast for faux-teens, you'd think that spending a Saturday night at the Crazy Horse with Little Lupe Fuentes would be pretty far down my list of things to do. Well you'd normally be right, but Lupe has been the only part of the Howard Stern show that I've consistently enjoyed over the last year, so I decided to stop by just to hear that voice come out of a real person.
I was in the area all day, but my time was limited, so I stopped by the club in the early evening to find out what time the shows would be starting. I was told that the three shows would start at 9:30, 11:30 and 1:30. I showed up around 11:15 for the second show, but after paying the ridiculous $20 cover, was told that Lupe had just gotten off stage and wouldn't be dancing again until 1 am. I don't know whether the schedule change was the club's fault or Lupe's fault, but I wasn't too pleased about having to decide between wasting $20 and wasting 2 hours of my time. In the end, I decided that since I'd already spent the money, I'd just stick it out and kill some time with the regular dancers. According to them, the club had been dead all night because the $20 cover was keeping out everyone other than a few Howard Stern fans and a few borderline pedophiles. Basically, these weren't your usual go to a strip club and buy a dance kind of guys. I did my best to make up for it to the point where, by 1 o'clock, I was probably 10 times further in the hole than I would have been if I'd been willing to waste the initial $20 and walk out as soon as I walked in. Oh well. It wasn't the first and I'm sure it won't be the last time I make that mistake.
Anyway, right at 1 am, the DJ announced for all 2 dozen or so patrons to head over to the Lounge half of the club for the Little Lupe performance. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Crazy Horse, the main area is just topless, but the Crazy Horse Lounge is fully nude. Lupe came out wearing a bikini and a feather boa and did a 30 second tease before losing the top, but there really wasn't much of a performance to it. She basically just walked and crawled around the stage for the first song, then she did one spin around the pole and took off her bottoms during the second song. She stayed on stage for a song or two after that, but didn't really do much of anything other than hold pictures of herself in her mouth and give them to the customers who gave the biggest tips. Sadly, I was one of them, with my 4 singles on the stage. Then she did the same thing with a DVD. Again, I was the high bidder with $3 out there. I'm not sure if the lack of tips contributed to her attitude, or if her attitude contributed to the lack of tips, but she did not look happy to be up on stage. She rarely looked at the crowd, never smiled, and just generally seemed to be going through the motions. Of course, maybe she was nervous or has no dance skills, or maybe I was projecting my discomfort due to the fact that she looks like she's about 14, but the whole scene was fairly sad.
After the show, Lupe hung out for a while and signed pictures and DVDs. I think she was charging for that, but I didn't really want a signed porn star picture (I'd already given my free picture and DVD away to one of the cheap creepers who wasn't willing to throw a few bills on the stage), so I passed on that opportunity. I did at least get a chance to say hello to her, and she was all smiles and seemed more like the fun loving girl from the Stern show than the distant ice queen from the stage. I wouldn't have paid the usual $100 feature dancer lap dance price anyway, but it was kind of a bummer that she didn't offer them, because it made it all the more clear that she didn't want to interact with her fans. Of course, since half of her fans look like they probably spend most of their time trying to hand out free candy to schoolchildren, it's hard to blame her too much for not wanting to interact with them.
Overall, the performance was somewhat of a disappointment, but it was probably worth the $20 and a few singles to put a face to the sound drops that I hear every morning on the radio. If you aren't a Stern fan though, I don't think there's any reason to bother going to see Little Lupe in person. I don't mean that as an insult to Lupe, because, like every other pornstar out there, she'd have had to really go above and beyond to make it worth going to see a feature dancer. It's just that, like 99% of the pornstars out there, Lupe didn't.
Showing posts with label Crazy Horse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crazy Horse. Show all posts
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Key Club Cabaret (New Haven, CT)
Note: The Key Club Cabaret was previously the Crazy Horse, but had to change their name due to a trademark dispute with the Vegas Crazy Horse. Previously, this was Stage Door Johnny's/Back Stage Johnny's.
Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls being fairly tame and some girls making a solid attempt to get the job done. Still, even most of the more tame girls have a few moves to make a dance worthwhile. Also, the dances here are usually nude if you stick around for multiple songs, though that's not a huge plus in my book due to the risk of having to get my dress pants dry-cleaned. A few girls have indicated that extras are available in the VIP area, but I haven't had $100+ to see if they're true to their word.
Quality of Dancers (5/10) – If you haven't been here since it was Johnny's, you should be pleased, because the quality has gone up significantly under new ownership. It's still rare to see any girls that I'd rate above an 8 and there are a few who are way past their sell-by date, but the majority of girls are now in the 5-7 range. Normally that would be worth around a 6, but I had to knock them down a point for having two "girls" that I'm fairly certain are post-op trannies. Maybe they're just strong-jawed ladies, but in either case, why would a club hire dancers who even beg that question?
Number of Dancers (6/10) – In the early evenings, there aren't usually a whole lot of dancers or customers. The lack of customers means that you'll have your pick of the litter, but the lack of dancers means that you still might not have much quality to chose from. Later in the evening, the number of dancers goes up much quicker than the number of customers, so there might be 2 dancers for every customer if you get here at the right time, and even if you don't, you shouldn't have a hard time getting a girl's attention for a dance. The only time that I've had a real problem was on a Sunday afternoon when there were no dancers, but the manager bought a few rounds of drinks for everyone who was there and the bartendress stepped up to offer lap dances. It still wasn't ideal, but I admire a club that at least makes the effort to make up for its shortcomings.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – The Key Club has a mix of black and white dancers and they've got more than enough size variation, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. For whatever reason, the black girls here were usually somewhat hotter than the white ones when this was Johnny's, but that trend seems to be slowly reversing recently.
Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – On multiple occasions, girls have been happy to show me around the club including the VIP dance area even without me asking, and most of them are friendly whether they're on stage or just sitting around bullshitting with customers. This seems like the type of place where's you'd run into some strung out girls, but that hasn't been my experience at all. I did once have to help a girl stay on her chair because she was falling down drunk, but otherwise, these girls seem to be fairly well put together.
Value (3/10) – There's a $10 cover after 6pm that gets you into both clubs and the $5 beers, $25 dances and moderate stage value are all ok, but there are much better values to be found elsewhere in Connecticut. I love lap dances, and these ones are pretty solid, but I have a hard time ever justifying more than one or two when they cost more than $20 each. Thankfully, some of the girls drop the price to $20 per dance after the first one since the club isn't taking a cut of that extra cash, so you should always ask about that before you agree to a dance if you're considering staying for multiple songs.
Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance booths from Johnny's are gone, so even though the dance area is classier now, it's not nearly as private. Still, it isn't terrible since there are two separate bench areas on the nude side of the club, and you can't see those areas unless you're in them. The ladies make sure to take you to the second bench area if there's already a guy in the first one, so you get an area to yourself as long as only one or two customers are getting dances at a time. Any more than that though, and it gets cramped and loses all privacy really quickly. If you're willing to drop the cash for the VIP dances, you'll go around the corner to a row of decent sized individual rooms with a large comfy couch in each. They don't have doors on the booths, but no one will see you unless they're going for a private dance, so it's still pretty solid if you're looking to get a little intimate.
Club Setup (4/10) – The new owners have put a lot of money into this place and it's certainly a huge improvement over the way it was before, but something is still missing. The topless side has a long bar that fills up quickly, a long bench style couch along the far side wall, and a large stage. The stage is reasonably nice overall, but it has one annoying flaw - it doesn't have a lower shelf or ledge where you can sit your drink, so you're choices are to awkwardly hold your beverage or to sit it right on the stage. Not a huge problem, but who knew they even make stages without a place to sit drinks? The nude side doesn't really seem to be a popular place to hang out, but it also has a decent stage with some chairs around it. I think the topless side needs some tables and booths to make it better for groups, because I really can't see coming here with more than one or two other guys.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The setup has become more upscale, but the old dive bar atmosphere still shows through. I imagine that it will eventually be fairly nice, but for now, it's kind of in that awkward zone where it's too classy to be a dive but too shitty to be classy. I could also see it getting rougher later at night, but the crowd has always been alright while I've been there.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The Key Club is very close to I-91, isn't too far from I-95, and is within walking distance of some of the best pizza in the U.S. over on Wooster Street. If you're from the area, I'm sure that you already have your preference and I know better than to try to change your mind, but if you're just passing through, I'd have to recommend Frank Pepe's if you're interested in toppings and Sally's if you're going for plain cheese. You can't go wrong either way though.
Overall – The Key Club is already the best club, by far, in New Haven. It may not be great, but the dances are very good and everything else is solid if you can overlook the varied quality of dancers. I'm guessing that the dancer quality will go up over time, but for now, that prevents me from adding it to my Connecticut rotation. Overall, it's about on par with Keepers in Milford, and even though I'd still probably chose Centerfolds in Berlin over the Key Club, the Key Club has become a very reasonable option if you're in New Haven and time is limited.
TOTAL SCORE = 51
Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls being fairly tame and some girls making a solid attempt to get the job done. Still, even most of the more tame girls have a few moves to make a dance worthwhile. Also, the dances here are usually nude if you stick around for multiple songs, though that's not a huge plus in my book due to the risk of having to get my dress pants dry-cleaned. A few girls have indicated that extras are available in the VIP area, but I haven't had $100+ to see if they're true to their word.
Quality of Dancers (5/10) – If you haven't been here since it was Johnny's, you should be pleased, because the quality has gone up significantly under new ownership. It's still rare to see any girls that I'd rate above an 8 and there are a few who are way past their sell-by date, but the majority of girls are now in the 5-7 range. Normally that would be worth around a 6, but I had to knock them down a point for having two "girls" that I'm fairly certain are post-op trannies. Maybe they're just strong-jawed ladies, but in either case, why would a club hire dancers who even beg that question?
Number of Dancers (6/10) – In the early evenings, there aren't usually a whole lot of dancers or customers. The lack of customers means that you'll have your pick of the litter, but the lack of dancers means that you still might not have much quality to chose from. Later in the evening, the number of dancers goes up much quicker than the number of customers, so there might be 2 dancers for every customer if you get here at the right time, and even if you don't, you shouldn't have a hard time getting a girl's attention for a dance. The only time that I've had a real problem was on a Sunday afternoon when there were no dancers, but the manager bought a few rounds of drinks for everyone who was there and the bartendress stepped up to offer lap dances. It still wasn't ideal, but I admire a club that at least makes the effort to make up for its shortcomings.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – The Key Club has a mix of black and white dancers and they've got more than enough size variation, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. For whatever reason, the black girls here were usually somewhat hotter than the white ones when this was Johnny's, but that trend seems to be slowly reversing recently.
Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – On multiple occasions, girls have been happy to show me around the club including the VIP dance area even without me asking, and most of them are friendly whether they're on stage or just sitting around bullshitting with customers. This seems like the type of place where's you'd run into some strung out girls, but that hasn't been my experience at all. I did once have to help a girl stay on her chair because she was falling down drunk, but otherwise, these girls seem to be fairly well put together.
Value (3/10) – There's a $10 cover after 6pm that gets you into both clubs and the $5 beers, $25 dances and moderate stage value are all ok, but there are much better values to be found elsewhere in Connecticut. I love lap dances, and these ones are pretty solid, but I have a hard time ever justifying more than one or two when they cost more than $20 each. Thankfully, some of the girls drop the price to $20 per dance after the first one since the club isn't taking a cut of that extra cash, so you should always ask about that before you agree to a dance if you're considering staying for multiple songs.
Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance booths from Johnny's are gone, so even though the dance area is classier now, it's not nearly as private. Still, it isn't terrible since there are two separate bench areas on the nude side of the club, and you can't see those areas unless you're in them. The ladies make sure to take you to the second bench area if there's already a guy in the first one, so you get an area to yourself as long as only one or two customers are getting dances at a time. Any more than that though, and it gets cramped and loses all privacy really quickly. If you're willing to drop the cash for the VIP dances, you'll go around the corner to a row of decent sized individual rooms with a large comfy couch in each. They don't have doors on the booths, but no one will see you unless they're going for a private dance, so it's still pretty solid if you're looking to get a little intimate.
Club Setup (4/10) – The new owners have put a lot of money into this place and it's certainly a huge improvement over the way it was before, but something is still missing. The topless side has a long bar that fills up quickly, a long bench style couch along the far side wall, and a large stage. The stage is reasonably nice overall, but it has one annoying flaw - it doesn't have a lower shelf or ledge where you can sit your drink, so you're choices are to awkwardly hold your beverage or to sit it right on the stage. Not a huge problem, but who knew they even make stages without a place to sit drinks? The nude side doesn't really seem to be a popular place to hang out, but it also has a decent stage with some chairs around it. I think the topless side needs some tables and booths to make it better for groups, because I really can't see coming here with more than one or two other guys.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The setup has become more upscale, but the old dive bar atmosphere still shows through. I imagine that it will eventually be fairly nice, but for now, it's kind of in that awkward zone where it's too classy to be a dive but too shitty to be classy. I could also see it getting rougher later at night, but the crowd has always been alright while I've been there.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The Key Club is very close to I-91, isn't too far from I-95, and is within walking distance of some of the best pizza in the U.S. over on Wooster Street. If you're from the area, I'm sure that you already have your preference and I know better than to try to change your mind, but if you're just passing through, I'd have to recommend Frank Pepe's if you're interested in toppings and Sally's if you're going for plain cheese. You can't go wrong either way though.
Overall – The Key Club is already the best club, by far, in New Haven. It may not be great, but the dances are very good and everything else is solid if you can overlook the varied quality of dancers. I'm guessing that the dancer quality will go up over time, but for now, that prevents me from adding it to my Connecticut rotation. Overall, it's about on par with Keepers in Milford, and even though I'd still probably chose Centerfolds in Berlin over the Key Club, the Key Club has become a very reasonable option if you're in New Haven and time is limited.
TOTAL SCORE = 51
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