Key Club Cabaret (New Haven, CT)

Note: The Key Club Cabaret was previously the Crazy Horse, but had to change their name due to a trademark dispute with the Vegas Crazy Horse.  Previously, this was Stage Door Johnny's/Back Stage Johnny's.  

Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls being fairly tame and some girls making a solid attempt to get the job done. Still, even most of the more tame girls have a few moves to make a dance worthwhile.  Also, the dances here are usually nude if you stick around for multiple songs, though that's not a huge plus in my book due to the risk of having to get my dress pants dry-cleaned.  A few girls have indicated that extras are available in the VIP area, but I haven't had $100+ to see if they're true to their word.

Quality of Dancers (5/10) – If you haven't been here since it was Johnny's, you should be pleased, because the quality has gone up significantly under new ownership.  It's still rare to see any girls that I'd rate above an 8 and there are a few who are way past their sell-by date, but the majority of girls are now in the 5-7 range.  Normally that would be worth around a 6, but I had to knock them down a point for having two "girls" that I'm fairly certain are post-op trannies.  Maybe they're just strong-jawed ladies, but in either case, why would a club hire dancers who even beg that question?    

Number of Dancers (6/10) – In the early evenings, there aren't usually a whole lot of dancers or customers.  The lack of customers means that you'll have your pick of the litter, but the lack of dancers means that you still might not have much quality to chose from.  Later in the evening, the number of dancers goes up much quicker than the number of customers, so there might be 2 dancers for every customer if you get here at the right time, and even if you don't, you shouldn't have a hard time getting a girl's attention for a dance. The only time that I've had a real problem was on a Sunday afternoon when there were no dancers, but the manager bought a few rounds of drinks for everyone who was there and the bartendress stepped up to offer lap dances. It still wasn't ideal, but I admire a club that at least makes the effort to make up for its shortcomings.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – The Key Club has a mix of black and white dancers and they've got more than enough size variation, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame.  For whatever reason, the black girls here were usually somewhat hotter than the white ones when this was Johnny's, but that trend seems to be slowly reversing recently.

Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – On multiple occasions, girls have been happy to show me around the club including the VIP dance area even without me asking, and most of them are friendly whether they're on stage or just sitting around bullshitting with customers.  This seems like the type of place where's you'd run into some strung out girls, but that hasn't been my experience at all.  I did once have to help a girl stay on her chair because she was falling down drunk, but otherwise, these girls seem to be fairly well put together.

Value (3/10) – There's a $10 cover after 6pm that gets you into both clubs and the $5 beers, $25 dances and moderate stage value are all ok, but there are much better values to be found elsewhere in Connecticut.  I love lap dances, and these ones are pretty solid, but I have a hard time ever justifying more than one or two when they cost more than $20 each.  Thankfully, some of the girls drop the price to $20 per dance after the first one since the club isn't taking a cut of that extra cash, so you should always ask about that before you agree to a dance if you're considering staying for multiple songs.    

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance booths from Johnny's are gone, so even though the dance area is classier now, it's not nearly as private.  Still, it isn't terrible since there are two separate bench areas on the nude side of the club, and you can't see those areas unless you're in them.  The ladies make sure to take you to the second bench area if there's already a guy in the first one, so you get an area to yourself as long as only one or two customers are getting dances at a time.  Any more than that though, and it gets cramped and loses all privacy really quickly.  If you're willing to drop the cash for the VIP dances, you'll go around the corner to a row of decent sized individual rooms with a large comfy couch in each.  They don't have doors on the booths, but no one will see you unless they're going for a private dance, so it's still pretty solid if you're looking to get a little intimate.  

Club Setup (4/10) – The new owners have put a lot of money into this place and it's certainly a huge improvement over the way it was before, but something is still missing.  The topless side has a long bar that fills up quickly, a long bench style couch along the far side wall, and a large stage. The stage is reasonably nice overall, but it has one annoying flaw - it doesn't have a lower shelf or ledge where you can sit your drink, so you're choices are to awkwardly hold your beverage or to sit it right on the stage. Not a huge problem, but who knew they even make stages without a place to sit drinks? The nude side doesn't really seem to be a popular place to hang out, but it also has a decent stage with some chairs around it.  I think the topless side needs some tables and booths to make it better for groups, because I really can't see coming here with more than one or two other guys.  

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The setup has become more upscale, but the old dive bar atmosphere still shows through.  I imagine that it will eventually be fairly nice, but for now, it's kind of in that awkward zone where it's too classy to be a dive but too shitty to be classy.  I could also see it getting rougher later at night, but the crowd has always been alright while I've been there.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The Key Club is very close to I-91, isn't too far from I-95, and is within walking distance of some of the best pizza in the U.S. over on Wooster Street.  If you're from the area, I'm sure that you already have your preference and I know better than to try to change your mind, but if you're just passing through, I'd have to recommend Frank Pepe's if you're interested in toppings and Sally's if you're going for plain cheese.  You can't go wrong either way though.  

Overall – The Key Club is already the best club, by far, in New Haven.  It may not be great, but the dances are very good and everything else is solid if you can overlook the varied quality of dancers.  I'm guessing that the dancer quality will go up over time, but for now, that prevents me from adding it to my Connecticut rotation.  Overall, it's about on par with Keepers in Milford, and even though I'd still probably chose Centerfolds in Berlin over the Key Club, the Key Club has become a very reasonable option if you're in New Haven and time is limited.

TOTAL SCORE = 51

Gin Dee's (West Haven, CT)

Quality of Dances (5.5/20) – The girls make some contact with customers and a halfhearted grind is pretty standard, but two way contact is not encouraged.  No one has protested when I've put my hands on their legs, but I don't get the impression that anything beyond that is tolerated with most of these girls.

Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – I feel bad being too harsh here because the bright lighting makes the flaws more visible than they'd be most places, but either way, there are plenty of flaws here.  I know that some guys are into tattooed chicks, but there's way too much ink in here for my tastes, and a lot of the girls just look generally sloppy.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – They've had less than a half dozen girls dancing every time I've been there, though I'm pleased to say that hasn't been all that often. Still, there aren't a whole lot of customers so the ratio isn't too bad.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – They have about an equal number of black and white dancers with every size from meth addict thin to borderline-obese represented.  If it weren't for the fact that most of the variety is just variations of ugly, this score would be at least a point higher.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of these girls are reasonably friendly and they really spend a lot of time chatting with the regulars, even if no one is spending money.  That would usually annoy me since I'm not a regular, but for the most part, I'm just thankful that other guys have kept these ladies away from me.

Value (4/10) – The $5 cover, $4 domestic beers and stage value aren't too bad, especially since a lot of the girls flash the puss on stage despite it only being a topless club.  The dances are where they lose it though, since they charge $25 even though the service isn't worth half that.

Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in a small area towards the back of the club where there are four horribly uncomfortable chairs.  That wouldn't be so bad, but they face towards each other, there are no barriers and there are mirrors on both sides, so it's almost impossible not to watch everyone else get dances. The only positive is that people at the bar can't see you.

Club Setup (2/10) – This place is a lot bigger on the inside that you'd realize from driving by, but they really don't need or make use of all of the space that they've got.  The stage in particular is needlessly large, with no more than one girl dancing (or wiggling, as the case may be) at a time. I guess the draw is the large bar and the pool tables, but just like with girls, you see all the flaws in this place thanks to the bright lighting.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The crowd can be a little shady and this place is just generally depressing, but it's not as bad it would be if it were darker.  It really is a catch 22 for them though - turn up the lights and the girls look like shit, or turn down the lights and depress the hell out of everyone.

Club Accessibility (2/5) - Gin Dee's isn't far from New Haven and they have plenty of parking, but you're going to have to drive to get there.

Overall – There are some bad clubs in and around New Haven, but Gin Dee's is probably the worst of them. If you're in the area and are desperate to go to a club, you're much better off driving the 10 minutes down I-95 to Keepers in Milford or heading into New Haven to the Crazy Horse.

TOTAL SCORE = 29

The Catwalk Club (New Haven, CT)

Quality of dances (7/20) - The dances are nude, and despite the signs saying that no contact of any kind is permitted, the girls who know how to use their knees still manage to give a decent dance. It's hard to enjoy it too much though with a large dreadlocked bouncer sitting 5 feet away to strictly enforce the rule against you touching dancers. I was told that some touching is allowed in the $200 private room, but you should probably kill yourself if you even consider that.

Quality of dancers (3.5/10) - The girls ranged from terrible to decent, but even the decent ones looked worn.

Number of dancers (2/10) - There weren't many dancers at all, but I can't imagine there ever being many customers, so you'll be able to get a girl for a dance if you want.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) - There was actually a lot of variety - black and white, naturally female and probable tranny, and linebackerish and meth skinny dancers were all working when I was there.

Attitude of Dancers (1.5/10) - The girls who weren't on stage were in their dressing room, and it still took several announcements and about 5 minutes just to get a girl to come out for her set. The dancers didn't look any happier to be there than I was, and I got a hard time for asking for change after my dance.

Value (2/10) - I paid a $10 cover, but apparently it's usually $12. Either way, it's too high. There's a 2 drink minimum which, at $4 per soda or water, means that you're paying $20 just to get in this place. The dances are $25, and they aren't worth more than half of that.

Dance Setup (0/10) - I was tempted to give them a negative score for dance setup, but I'll be generous and let them have a "0." There are just a few shitty chairs beside a bouncer, and there's no sort of partition between them. The chair area is only separated from the main stage area of the club by a lattice fence, so everyone can watch while you get a dance.

Club Setup (5.5/10) - It looks like they designed this place well but then just lost interest when it came time to execute it. There's a nice large stage with fancy overhead lighting, and the chairs are all comfortable. There just aren't enough tables, and the tables that they do have are all inexplicably crowded along the one wall, forcing anyone who wants a decent view of the one girl on stage to sit too close to each other.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) - For an alcohol-free club, the atmosphere here isn't too bad, but alcohol would be necessary to ever really enjoy this place. Also, you'd think that a club that can't serve alcohol would at least be well stocked with everything else, but this place doesn't have anything other than soda and bottled water.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) - The neighborhood isn't great and you probably won't feel comfortable leaving your car here, but it's easily accessible from New Haven or I-95, and is just a few blocks away from the best pizza in New England.

Overall - I was hoping that this place would be decent as a pit stop for late night drives between NY and Boston, but with at least a $10 dollar cover and no energy drinks, that won't be happening. There's nothing specifically terrible about The Catwalk other than the dance setup, but they just don't do anything well and I'd recommend that you avoid it.

TOTAL SCORE = 31.5