Mardi Gras Club (Springfield, MA)

Quality of dances (9/20) – The communal dance room prevents anyone from being too free with the two-way contact, but most of the girls are fine with customers touching theirs legs and asses during the dances, and almost all of the girls give a solid grind. The dances are fully nude, but it takes most of the first song for the clothes to come off. I did witness one girl really getting after it with a customer, but other dancers promptly ratted her out because she was removing the incentive for people to spend big cash in the VIP room. The girls imply that you'll be satisfied in the VIP area upstairs, but I've never confirmed that.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – A lot of the girls have nice faces and decent bodies, but shitty boob jobs ruin at least half the girls in the place. The percentage of fake tits is so high that I used to assume that management demanded that everyone get work done, but the same guy runs the largely silicone-free Anthony's in South Hadley, so I have no idea what's going on. It really is a shame though. I'll take nice perky Bs or even flapjacks over implants anyday.

Number of dancers (6/10) – There seem to be about 15 dancers whether the club is busy or not, but there are often so many guys in the place that it still isn’t enough for you to get much one-on-one attention.  Still, there are always several girls on stage at a time, so you'll have plenty to look at to keep yourself entertained while you wait.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – You’ll find plenty of black, white and Latina girls, and plenty of thick and thin girls here. What you won’t find is more than a few sets of real tits.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – The girls are generally good about counting dances and don't hustle too much, but they just don’t look like they’re enjoying being on stage. Of course, the stage is a death-trap, so I can’t really blame them too much for that.

Value (4/10) – Drinks are reasonable and dances are $25, but the cover can be up to $10 in the evenings and you may have to pay $5 to park in the lot if you don't want to park on the street. Lot parking is free at times, but I'm not sure of the exact schedule.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There’s a large, open, brightly lit room where everyone gets dances. The only reasons that I gave them half a point are that people at the bar can't see you and there are dividers along the benches, so at least you aren’t bumping knees with other dudes.

Club Setup (6.5/10) – Mardi Gras is huge and the New Orleans theme runs throughout the club. I took off a few points because of a lack of large tables, but overall, I really liked their unique design. The bar takes up most of the main room, and the stage is inside the bar, but it comes right up to some of the chairs and within about a foot of the others. There are trenches all through the stage where the bar tenders walk to give you your drinks, and it's hard to blame the dancers for being afraid that they’ll fall off while drunk. To get onto the stage, the girls have to climb up a little ladder like you use to get out of a swimming pool. The design may be the least practical I've ever seen, but it does allow for some great views of the fully nude action. Almost everyone sits at the bar, but there is also a large open room with a few pool tables off to the side and there's an area in the back that's setup more like a restaurant, and it's a decent option if you don't like sitting stage-side.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – This is one of the few Massachusetts clubs that I wouldn’t mind staying at for a few hours. The music’s good, the drinks are reasonable, the girls don’t pester you too much for dances, and the stage always has at least 3 girls on it. There was a murder here in early ’09, but that seems to have been an anomaly, as the crowd seems perfectly safe now.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – The club is right in downtown Springfield, which is really only a good thing if you live there. There are a few hotels nearby, but I don't think that Mardi Gras is quite good enough to justify making a visit an overnight trip.

Overall – If you aren't interested in getting a VIP dance, Mardi Gras is pretty good club by Massachusetts standards. If you're willing to drop some cash, it's quite possibly even better.

TOTAL SCORE = 50.5

Scores (Springfield, MA) - CLOSED

Quality of Dances (16/20) – Upon sitting down for my first dance here, the girl immediately reached to unzip my pants.  When I told her that I just wanted a standard aggressive dance, she said most of the girls there would "probably shit themselves" when they find out that a customer wasn't interested in a handie.  The score would be higher, but the actual dances are a little disappointing since actual dancing doesn't appear to be a focus here.   

Quality of Dancers (1.5/10) – As you'd expect at an urban club such as this, most of the girls are on the larger side. In fact, when they were the Club 418, they advertised that they had the "Biggest Girls in New England." I don't think they quite earn that title anymore (a few of the Bridgeport clubs are the current favorites for that distinction), but they're certainly in the running. Some of the girls are disgusting, but a few are tolerable and you'll usually be able to find a girl or two worth getting a dance from.  This number would go up to around a 4 if there was any quality control whatsoever, but there's not.    

Number of Dancers (5/10) – This is a small club and the number of dancers is about what you'd expect, but the dancer-to-customer ratio is always favorable, rarely falling far below 1-to-1.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) - I've only see black and white dancers here, but there's a wide variety of body types (emphasis on wide).

Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls are reasonably friendly, but I had to hear a few too many sob stories about car troubles and the other customary "please give me a good tip" topics. On a more positive note, this isn't the type on place that's going to get a lot of random visitors, so they try particularly hard to keep the regulars happy.

Value (5.5/10) – The drinks and nighttime cover are a fairly standard 4 or 5 dollars each, and you'll get a needlessly graphic stage show for a buck or two, but the "dances" are what will make or break the value of this place for most customers.  Twenty five dollars is a lot for a lap dance, but it's not much for the other services that they're provide during the "dances," so the value really depends on what you're looking for.  I was quoted $130 for the VIP dances, but you might be able to negotiate a better value if you try.  I definitely did not, because I had no interest in engaging in what I suspect happens back there with these ladies for any price.  

Dance Setup (1/10) – There's a small curtained off area in the back of the club for the regular dances, but you're not shielded at all from other dance customers and people at some parts of the bar can see you as well.  If you're willing to drop some more cash for the VIP dances, you get a couch inside a curtained booth, but you'd be better off just going somewhere else if you're even considering spending more than $50.

Club Setup (0.5/10) – This place is a dump.  There are one or two tables, but everyone sits at the large bar, and the stage is inside the bar.  There's a channel down the center of the stage so the bartender can try to reach across the stage to pass customers drinks, but it's a really poorly thought-out setup.  

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This is the old Club 418 which shut down for about a year after several people were shot here in 2009.  The club has a different name and a metal detector, but not a whole lot else has changed.  It doesn't seem all that dangerous here during the day, but this isn't a club that I'd have any interest in visiting at night.  They also lose points because of the half hour stage sets, and they don't even allow girls end their sets early if a customer asks them for a dance.  It's not quiet as bad as it sounds since several girls dance at a time, but it's a ridiculous policy that doesn't benefit the dancers or the customers. I have to believe the policy will be short-lived though, so it may not be an issue by the time you're reading this.      

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – This club is in downtown Springfield and isn't all that far from a few hotels, but it isn't in the greatest area.  I wouldn't recommend getting stupid drunk here anyway though, so the fact that you'll probably be driving to get to Scores isn't a huge problem.

Overall – If you're looking for high-mileage lap dances, this place is a solid, if somewhat dangerous, option.  If you're looking for anything else, you're better off going elsewhere.

TOTAL SCORE = 40.5

Note: Scores was formerly known as Lace and Club 418.  It exploded on November 23, 2012.

Center Stage (Springfield, MA)

Quality of dances (13/20) – They lose points here because there is such inconsistency from girl to girl. You might get one dance where there's no contact with your lower body, then the next dance leaves you with lipstick stains on the crotch of your pants. If you do manage to find the right girl, the dances are excellent, as evidenced by the fact that I've had to Purell my nipples when I left.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – There aren't any ugly dancers here, but there aren't more than 1 or 2 girls who would rate an 8 or above either. And, as with most clubs, when a few girls are significantly more attractive than the rest, the hottest ones don't feel a need to really work for the money. If you're getting a dance, go for a "6" or a "7." The one advantage that this place has over Mardi Gras is that there are significantly less implants here.

Number of Dancers (5/10) – There are three or four girls on stage and about the same amount looking to give dances, and they just rotate after each set. This gives a great ratio in the afternoon, but they don't increase the number of dancers when it gets busier, so you might have to wait for a dance then.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – It really depends on when you go, because I've visited on nights where pretty much everyone was white, but I also saw a hot Asian girl, a few black dancers and some attractive Latinas during my most recent visit.  There's usually some decent size variation as well, and even the larger ladies are not of the sloppy variety.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – "Hi, I'm ___, would you like a dance?" is about as much conversation as you'll get out of these girls. They're good about counting dances and seem happy to perform for you on stage, but some of them just sit by themselves when they're off stage and force you to approach them for dances.

Value (6.5/10) – Parking is free, beer is $5, and if there's ever a cover, it starts fairly late. You'll get your money's worth for $1 at the stage, but the payoff on your $25 dance fee really depends on the girl you get.

Dance Setup (2/10) – This is yet another Massachusetts club with a large open room for lap dances. You get your own chair, and two of the chairs are offset a little bit, but this is still a poor setup.

Club Setup (2/10) – As with the dance room, the club has the usual shitty Massachusetts setup - big stage, tiny bar, and few other places to sit. The club is fairly large though, and according to a several-year-old old sign on the door, it's "The newest club in New England."

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – I like the atmosphere better at Mardi Gras, but you should feel fairly safe here, and in Springfield, that's a big deal. Center Stage isn't a bad place to grab a beer and a dance, but I'm not sure that I'd usually hang out here for too long. The one exception would be on nights when they have nude roller derby, or "Roll-or-gazum" as they call it, with a midget referee. I have not personally witnessed this, but I can only imagine that the atmosphere is off the charts. If you're interested, you should check their site for details.

Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – They have their own free parking lot and they're located in a relatively safe part of Springfield.

Overall – Anthony's is slightly better than any of the downtown clubs, but if you inexplicably want to stay in downtown Springfield, Mardi Gras and Center Stage each have their strengths. Mardi Gras has more dancers, hotter dancers, and more promises of VIP fun, but the girls at Center Stage have less silicone and give much better lap dances. Also, the clubs are very close to each other, so you could always try both of them.

TOTAL SCORE = 49.5

Updated July 2012.

5th Alarm (Springfield, MA)

Quality of dances (15/20) – There was a lot of over the pants rubbing and offers to make me cum, but it's hard to enjoy it too much when there's a dude taking another dancer up on those same offers within plain view. Still, the dances are very much full contact, though there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of dancing going on.

Quality of dancers (1/10) – The black women are big and the white women look beat up. If you're interested in seeing attractive women, this isn't the right place. I've been told that many of the girls from the old Club 418 now dance here, but considering that their website used to brag about having "the biggest girls in New England," I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – There were probably 8-10 dancers in the here, and even though several of them were just sitting and talking to each other, there were more girls than customers in the afternoon.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Almost every girl in this place looks ghetto regardless of their race, and they range in size from thick to enormous. Most of them seemed to be in their late 20's, but there were a few older ones, including one whose whiskered asshole almost made me throw up.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – The girls here usually just ignore you until you sit a dollar in front of your seat, then they come running and give more contact at the stage than you'd get in a lapdance at most Massachusetts clubs. If the girl on stage doesn't see the dollar, the girls at the end of the bar shout, "Pussy for sale! Pussy for sale!" until the girl comes over to you.

Value (7.5/10) – There's no cover until 7, and only a 5 dollar cover after that. Drinks aren't too bad at $4 each and you get full value for your lap dance fees as well, but the real value here is in the stage action. Of course, the risk of your car being broken into while your in here offsets the value somewhat.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – You get your own chair for the lap dances, but they're still crowded around a small area in the back of the club. The people at the stage can't see you, but other guys who are getting dances are unobstructed.

Club Setup (1/10) – Fifth Alarm is located in a barely renovated warehouse. The stage here is similar to the stage down the street at Mardi Gras, only this one isn't nearly as nice. Also, there's a supply closet that blocks the one side of the bar/stage from the dance room, so the girls have you walk through it to meet them in the back. For the three seconds that I was in there, I was convinced that it was some type of setup and that I was going to die.

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This is the most ghetto club that I've ever been to. People at the bus stop in front of the club were eyeing up my fairly shitty car as I pulled into the parking lot, and a lot of the crowd looked like they just stepped out of a scene from The Wire. The fact that they put in metal detectors shows that the club is trying to change the atmosphere in here, but it still isn't a place that I'd want to spend much time at night. You're welcome to assume that I'm just a pussy and that it isn't that bad, but as a point of reference, I feel perfectly safe at King Arthur's in Chelsea.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Fifth Alarm is in downtown Springfield, but it isn't in a good location at all. On the plus side, I've been told that they do now have a fenced in parking lot across the street that someone watches at night.

Overall – The dances and value here are very good, but the chances of making frequent trips here without ever being a victim or a witness to a crime are not.

TOTAL SCORE = 38.5