Penthouse (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (11.5/20) – The dances at Penthouse are slightly better than what you’ll find at most of the Bourbon Street joints.  There’s two-way contact, hands on the tits is generally ok, and most of the girls provide a little bit of a grind.  It’s nothing too crazy, but it’s enough to make these dances at least somewhat enjoyable.

Quality of Dancers (9/10) – The quality of ladies at Penthouse is as good or better than anywhere else in New Orleans.  They’re hot, most of them have natural breasts, and, unlike at many of the New Orleans clubs, the white ladies are just as hot as the sisters.  

Number of Dancers (7.5/10) – There were two girls on stage and several working the crowd during my visit.  Getting a girl’s attention was never a problem.

Variety of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of these ladies are white and relatively thin, but they do at least have a few black dancers and a mix of blondes and brunettes.

Attitudes (6.5/10) – There’s some hustle here, but it’s not over the top and is certainly not as bad as at most of the Bourbon Street clubs.  Of course they don’t really care why you’re in New Orleans, but they’re good at making you think that they do, and that’s all you can really ask for.   

Value (2/10) – The $11 cover isn’t too bad, but $7.25 beers, $20 table dances and $40 real dances are all pretty rough. 

Club Setup (8/10) – This is a classy and relatively spacious club.  There are two small stages, some stage side rolly chairs, and a bunch of small high top tables. The main bar is fairly nice and is off to the side, and there’s another bar in the back with a built in stage. There aren’t really enough chairs for weekend nights when it can get packed, but the setup is still pretty good overall.    

Dance Setup (3/10) – If you get a dance upstairs, it will be in a booth with decently wide walls on the side.  The bouncer checks on you periodically, but no one else has a great view of what you’re up to unless they happen to be walking by.

Atmosphere (8/10) – There’s a good party atmosphere at Penthouse, and it’s generally my favorite place in the area to hang out.  Whether you’re flying solo or with a group of guys, this place should be a good time.

Location (5/5) – Penthouse is right around the corner from Bourbon Street, so you should be staying nearby and you’ve got a ton of other strip clubs and bars to chose from within walking distance.   

Overall – Penthouse is my favorite club in the French Quarter.  The girls are hot, the dances are decent and the atmosphere is solid, and that’s pretty much all I can ask for.   

RAW SCORE = 62

Rick's Cabaret (New Orleans, LA)

Quality of Dances (3/20) – These are supposedly “no contact” dances, and even though that’s not entirely true, customers will not be touching dancers at all and there is absolutely no grinding.  The only reason to get a dance is to get a closer look at the dancers, but you can do that for much cheaper at the stage. 

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – The girls here aren’t exactly my type, but I suspect that they will be for many of you.  You’re not going to find enhanced, thin, white girls who look much better than this. 

Number of Dancers (4/10) – They had one girl on the main stage, one girl working the crowd and one girl on the back stage for most of my visit.  It was 2am on a Sunday so I’ll cut them some slack, but it was during Jazz Fest, so I’d hoped for more. 

Variety of Dancers (0.5/5) –  I saw a few hot brunettes among the largely blond workforce, but you aren’t going to be pleased unless you like thin white girls.

Attitudes (3/10) – These ladies are all about the cash and they don’t make much of an effort to disguise that fact.  Of course, I’d be all about the cash too if I was dealing with suckers like the wannabe high rollers who spend time here.    

Value (1/10) – The $10 cover isn’t too bad, but the $8 Miller Lite (with no offer for change on the $10 that I handed to the waitress), the $20 table dances, and the $60 “semi-private” dances on the main floor are ridiculous. 

Club Setup (6.5/10) – This is a classy, moderate sized place with exposed brick walls that somehow make it look more like an above average comedy club than a strip joint.  There’s a decent main stage in the main area where there’s a long stand-up bar and several small tables with rolly chairs, there’s another small stage in the back, and there’s a VIP area behind the main stage.  That area has a nice bar and a bunch of tables, but it takes up way too much of the limited floor space in this club. 

Dance Setup (0/10) – The $20 dances are given at your table with absolutely no privacy.  The “semi-private” dance setup is better, but I’m not giving them any credit for that because fuck a $60 dance.

Atmosphere (7/10) – The music and lighting are both solid, so this place could work for a good time with the right group of guys.  And if you’ve got a girlfriend who has never been to a strip club but wants to feel like she did something crazy in New Orleans, this place is sufficiently non-threatening that it could be perfect. 

Location (5/5) – You’ll never find a better location for a strip club than Bourbon Street.  If you stop by and aren’t impressed, there are always a dozen other clubs within walking distance. 

Overall – An overpriced club with worthless lap dances and skinny white chicks has little appeal to me, so I won’t be back.

RAW SCORE = 38.5

Cheerleaders (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (3/20) – Some girls will grind a little and hands on the hips is generally fine, but these are bikini dances, so that pretty much makes them a waste of time and money as far as I’m concerned.  Plus I even overheard one dancer telling another customer to keep his legs together during the dance, which means that it’s not even really a lap dance.  But if bikini clad outer leg dances are your thing, you’re in luck!

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Most of the girls are 7s or 8s, but it’s a bikini bar, so you’re seeing less of them than you normally would in a strip club.  The score would probably be bumped up about a point if the ladies were topless, but they were still a little synthetic for my tastes, and some of the ladies were downright frightening. It’s not that they were ugly, but they just looked like the strippers from Dusk ‘Till Dawn about halfway through the transformation into vampires.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – There were two girls on stage at a time in the early evening after a Phillies game, and somewhere around two dozen ladies in the building.  I wish there had been less because the tip walk is brutal, but you should at least never have a shortage of ladies.

Variety of Dancers (2/5) – There were a few black dancers during my visit, but most of the ladies were white and thin. 

Attitudes (5.5/10) – For the most part, these girls are friendly and happy to chat a little, and most of them don’t ask for tips after dances.  Unfortunately, this club operates on the tip walk system, so the girls are forced to walk around asking everyone for a dollar, and no dancer in history has managed to appear to have a great attitude while she’s doing that.      

Value (3.5/10) – Miller Lites are $6, the cover is $10, dances are $20 (but you shouldn’t bother with them anyway) and no one seems to tip for the stage show except during the tip walk, so it’s possible to go here without spending too much cash. The champagne rooms seem to be overpriced at $160 for 15 minutes or $600 for an hour, but I’ve never tried them out so I can’t say for sure. I would hope that you’d at least get to see some nudity, but I suspect that you don’t. 

Club Setup (4.5/10) – This is a clean enough club, but I hate the design.  The dozen TVs are nice and everyone has a good view of the long main stage, but the rectangular bar takes up almost all of the space in the club and the stage is several feet away in the interior of the bar.  It prevents any interaction between customers and dancers who are on stage and necessitates the aforementioned dreaded tip walk.

Dance Setup (4.5/10) – Dances are given in a separate room from the main area of the club on several small individual bench/booth hybrids.  There are small dividers between the benches and most of them are angled to face away from each other, so it’s at least somewhat private if the club isn’t too busy.  Unfortunately, anyone who is walking by will have a clear view of you without warning, so no one will be pushing the limits in here (and by “pushing the limits,” I mean doing something crazy like showing tits in a strip club).     

Atmosphere (5/10) – The smoke takes some time to get used to (they sell cigars and cigarettes and allow customers to smoke), but the atmosphere is fairly good overall.  It’s laid back and is a decent place to down a beer while looking at slightly more flesh that you’d see at Hooters. 

Location (3.5/5) – Cheerleaders isn’t too far from the stadiums or Center City, and it’s right down the street from the slightly overrated but still delicious Tony Luke’s.   

Overall – As far as bikini bars go, I guess Cheerleaders is pretty good, but I need at least some nudity in my strip clubs so I won’t be back.    

RAW SCORE = 45

Scores Tampa (Tampa, FL)

Quality of Dances (6/20) – I’ve rarely seen as much variation from one girl to the next, with the dances here ranging from awful to very enjoyable.  Some girls give air dances, but most provide at least some contact, but even that is highly variable.  Some say you can touch “anywhere but the ass, tits and cookie,” while others put your hands directly on their asses and grind.  I wouldn’t come here looking for great dances, but you have a much better chance of getting an adequate dance here than you do at most of the other non-nude clubs in Tampa.

Quality of Dancers (7/10) – The girls at Scores are attractive, but they’re not Tampa’s finest.  Expect to see lots of ladies in the 6-8 range with a few beauties and a few who aren’t so great, but you’re likely to find hotter girls at Penthouse, Thee Dollhouse, and Mons Venus.

Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – There are usually three or four dancers on stage at a time and somewhere around a dozen dancers in the building. The total number is comparable to what you’d find at Penthouse, but there are more girls on the stage at any given time at Scores.  Even though lots of ladies are working the regulars in the crowd, you shouldn’t have to wait too long even as a first-time visitor.   

Variety of Dancers (2.5/5) – Most of the dancers are thin and white, but I did see a few Asians and a few who were so exotic that I couldn’t figure out where they were from. 

Attitudes (6/10) – The ladies were happy to sit and chat with customers before asking about dances, and most were upfront about the ridiculously high dance prices.  At a lot of places, the girls ignore then dance fee that goes to the club, but these ladies were straight about it.

Value (3/10) – Valet parking is complementary (though you should just stay at the HoJo down the street and walk here anyway), and the $10 cover and $5 beers are reasonable.  My signature drink (a Redbull and double whisky) was $13, though, and $20 for table dances and $30 plus $10 to the club for real dances is just ridiculous.

Club Setup (4.5/10) – This is a fairly small place, with lots of small tables and rolly chairs in a cramped area and a decent sized square bar in the back.  The stage isn’t huge, but it’s long and they manage to fit several girls on it, and there’s a glass wall behind the stage with a weird VIP area behind it so you get to look at guys who think they’re better than you the whole time that you’re watching the stage show. 

Dance Setup (6/10) – You get your dance on a couch in a private booth with an opaque curtain, and there’s a TV in there showing you a live feed of the stage. That may sound amazing, but is actually just adequate.  The TV is super low def, the couch has an uncomfortable bar in the center, and an infrared camera that stares at you kills any illusion of privacy that you may have. 

Atmosphere (7/10) – I was trashed by the time I got here, so I’ll have to trust my notes.  I wrote, “louder, more party 7/10.” No idea what it’s louder than or what it’s more of a party than, but it sounds like I had a good time.  The real key is that it serves alcohol right beside the excellent but alcohol-free Mons Venus and across the street from the very solid Odyssey 2001.   

Location (4/5) – Scores isn’t in downtown Tampa, but it’s in the perfect location for a strip club.  You could throw a baseball from their parking lot and hit two other strip clubs (Mons Venus and Odyssey 2001) and a hotel (Howard Johnson), so you don’t have to invest a lot of time to check it out.  

Overall – The big thing that Scores has going for it is that it serves alcohol while the two other clubs in the neighborhood do not.  Both of the other clubs are vastly superior to this place, but Scores is a decent option if you want to have a few beers before hitting the good clubs and you don’t feel like drinking out of a brown paper bag in the parking lot. 

RAW SCORE = 52.5 

Penthouse Tampa (Tampa, FL)

Dance Quality (4/20) - There's some minimal contact during these dances, but there's no grinding and you can't really touch the lades other than maybe by putting your hands on their hips.  If you're expecting the contact that Tampa is famous for, you're going to be disappointed, because that's largely confined to the nude, alcohol-free joints.  

Dancer Quality (8/10) - All of the dancers at the Penthouse club are fairly attractive and fall within the 7-9 range.  I didn't see a single dancer that I'd go out of my way to avoid.  This is a pastie club, but they're small enough that it doesn't really detract from your enjoyment of the beautiful bodies.

Number (4/10) - There were around a dozen girls working when I stopped by on a Thursday night, which wasn't really enough for the crowd but still kept the stage rotation fresh since they only had one girl up there at a time.  

Variety (3/10) - I didn't see any thick girls in here, but there were still enough curves to keep it interesting, and there was a nice mix of natural tits and implants.  Most of the ladies are white, but the few black and Asian dancers who are mixed in are very attractive.

Attitudes (4/10) - These ladies are decent in general, but many of them aren't straight with you about the real price of dances.  They'll say it's $30, but after fees to the club, it ends up being $40 for the first one.  My other complaint is that there's a huge focus on regulars, so you're going to have to be patient if you're a first-timer looking for dances.  On the bright side, the waitresses are scantily clad and are amazingly friendly.

Value (2/10) - With $30 dances and a $10 fee for admission to the dance area, this place would be a poor value even if they gave away beers and let you in for free.  Unfortunately, they don't.  There's a $10 cover, a $3 mandatory valet fee and $5 beers.  The beers are a bargain on Mondays and any weekdays before 9pm when they're 2-for-1, but the stage value is mediocre at best, with minimal pole moves and impersonal floor work. 

Club Setup (4/10) - This place is much smaller than other Penthouse clubs than I've been to, but there's still a nice, decent sized bar, a restaurant in a raised area in the back, and plenty of seats throughout the room, all with a good view of the only stage.  It's less than ideal for groups of more than 3 or 4, but it's decent for solo outings or a night out with one or two buddies.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) - Dances are given on couches in a raised area in the back of the club.  Beads and the backs of other couches partially block the view from the main area of the club, but the bouncer who stands at the entrance of this area kills any hope that you'll have some privacy.    

Atmosphere (6/10) - Maybe it's just because the other top Tampa clubs don't serve alcohol, but I really enjoy the atmosphere at this place. It's less formal than some of the other Penthouse clubs that I've been to, but it's still clean and safe and they play lots of accessible music at a reasonable volume.  It's less formal than some of the other Penthouse clubs, and it can get boring if you stay too long, but as a place to have a few beers before heading home or to another club, it's excellent.

Location (3.5/5) - Penthouse is right down the street from Thee Dollhouse and is near the airport, plus it's not too far from Mons Venus and 2001 Odyssey.

Overall - If I only had one or two nights in Tampa, I'd spend my time at Mons Venus and 2001 Odyssey, but Penthouse is an acceptable option if you need alcohol more than you need lap dances.  

TOTAL SCORE = 39