Harry O's (Stamford, CT)

Quality of Dances (19/20) – The dances at Harry O's are among the best that I've ever received.  I was careful to tell every approaching lady that I just wanted a regular dance because there's no surer way for a relatively young white guy to draw suspicion at an urban club than to wait for a girl to offer extra services before shooting her down, but I got the feeling that my sense of decency was the only thing holding the action in check.  I especially appreciate that most of these ladies have the skill and put in the effort to make things fun even if you're opting for less than the full range of services.  My favorite thing about these dances, though, is the way that the ladies deal with the partial song that's playing before your song starts.  You stand with your back to a wall outside of the lap dance area and the dancer backs up in front of you, then alternates between a standing grind and some over the pants hand action to get your full attention before the real dance starts

Quality of Dancers (3.5/10) – It's rare to find a club with more variable dancer quality than at Harry O's.  During my first visit (afternoon), most of the crew was made up of bronze skinned beauties.  During my second visit (night), it was mostly overweight streetwalker types.  During my third visit, it started with a decent mix, but the percentage of nasties went up as the night went on.  Most of the girls make their money then leave, so the earlier the better if you're hoping to find a girl that anyone else would want to spend money on.  

Number of Dancers (4/10) – They've averaged about a half dozen dancers during my visits, with a little more than that in the afternoon and a little less at night.  The ratio isn't always great because the place can get packed with customers, but most of them aren't spending money, so it can be easy to get a girl's attention by tipping a few bucks at the stage.  And when I say "a few," I mean a very few.  For five bucks, you can be a god.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Despite the name and the clover on the wall, Harry O's is not an Irish establishment.  They've got Latinas and black girls and more than enough size variation for most men's tastes, but you're shit out of out of luck if you're looking for white meat.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – The pre-dance fluffing is enough to win me over, but even discounting that, these ladies are exceptionally friendly.  I don't know how they put up with guys randomly smacking their asses as they walk by without losing their cool, but somehow they do it.  My only real complaint is that the constant questions about whether I'm a cop can get old, but the fact that they're asking means that they're up for a party, so I won't complain to much.

Value (3.5/10) – $2.50 happy hour domestics are solid, but $6 beers the rest of the time and $25 dances are steep for a dive like this.  The stage value is solid, though, with girls putting on a nice show and being particularly appreciative if you don't think that your buck entitles you to slip in a finger.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – This isn't the worst dance setup that I've seen, but it's by far the worst that I've seen in a place where the girls give "dances" like this.  There're just four shitty chairs facing each other in a small, brightly lit room where you can't help but see what everyone else is up to.  The people in the main room can't see you, but there's a mirror positioned so that the bouncer can keep an eye on things.  You'd have to be completely shameless to try to go beyond a regular dance, but from what I've caught in my peripheral vision, there's no shortage of shameless guys in this place.

Club Setup (1/10) – Harry O's is a shithole.  It smells bad, it's falling apart, and I'm dry heaving just thinking about the red mystery substance that was all over the toilet seat during one of my visits.  Why did I even go into the bathroom stall in a place like this you ask?  Well, I was going to the urinal, but there's no stall here - just a shitter and a urinal in a room that can't be locked.

As for the rest of the place, it's a small club with a long bar, a pool table in the back and a medium sized horseshoe shaped stage in the main area.  The bar fills up quickly and you'll probably think the stage seats are filled when you see guys standing three deep at the front of the stage, but they're just cheap bastards who avoid tipping by not going directly to the rail.  So, as long as you're willing to drop a buck or two per song, a seat should always be waiting for you.  

Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – If you're ever found yourself sitting at King Arthur's in Chelsea thinking, this place is a little too upscale for my tastes," then Harry O's is the joint for you.  The crowd is rough and you'll draw lots of unwanted attention if English is your first language, but here's all that you really need to know: I was checked for a wire.  I'm not talking about a I-think-they-were-feeling-for-a-wire-during-that-pat-down situation either.  I'm talking about after the pat down when the bouncer made me lift my shirt and spin around.  So, yeah.  Shadiest. Club. Ever.

Club Accessibility (0/5) – It isn't far from downtown Stamford, but I have to give them a goose egg based on the parking situation.  You're going to want to park in their lot since this isn't a great neighborhood, but the lot is comically undersized, so cars park 3 or 4 deep.  That means that every five minutes or so, the bouncer announces something like, "black Nissan, ya gotta move.  Black Nissan, ya gotta move!"  So if you're in the back, you'll have to go out to the lot to let other people leave, and if you're in the front, you'll have to rely on other people to let you out.

Overall – If you're willing to risk the possibility that there won't be an attractive lady in the house and you value quality lap dances more than you value your safety, give it a chance for a daytime visit.  If not, Harry O's isn't the place for you.

RAW SCORE = 39.5

Devil's Point (Portland, OR)

Quality of dances (6/20) – Proving that, contrary to my earlier beliefs, not all dances in Portland are created equal, Devil’s Point lags slightly behind its Rose City peers in this category. I got some one-way contact, but nothing particularly aggressive, and reciprocity was not in the cards. This was definitely the type of dance that focused on the emotional impact of sensual movement, not the physical stimulation produced by a good old-fashioned dirty grind.

Quality of dancers (9/10) – In association with my original review of this club (where I rated the dancers as a perfect 10), I wrote this:

Until March 20th, 2011, I didn’t know that God made women this hot. And keep in mind that I’ve been to every strip club in Montreal and Vegas, and have spent substantial time in New York City. Really, I thought girls like this were reserved for the imagination, sometimes captured in art, but never in reality. They’re aspirational; their images should be on posters, and in movies, and filling your daydreams and fantasies. But they’re not. Well, maybe they are, but they’re also here. In real life. In Portland. In all of their inked, pierced and dyed glory. To give you a visual, this dancer was the third hottest girl working that night (from my perspective, of course; several of my friends had her at #1 with a bullet). Even Pussy Control, notorious for her picky tastes, was sitting with her mouth agape and talking like a dog in heat: “I’ve never said this before, but I would definitely pay these girls to make out with me. I just wanna pay them.”

They are a type, for sure, so if you’re into fake tits, symmetrical haircuts or anyone with a skin tone darker than an undercooked sugar cookie, they may not blow your mind (although I hope you’d still appreciate them). For me, though, they’re as good as it gets. If aliens came to Earth today, and asked us to prove our worth as a society or face extinction, I’d show them two things: an iPad 2 and the Devil’s Point girls.


I’m afraid I have to take a small step back from that original evaluation. My decision is based on a combination of factors. First, I wrote that piece about 12 hours after my first visit to stripparaoke, and I’m sure my head was still spinning from the performance, which was something special, even for a grizzled strip club vet like myself. Second, I now have a larger sample size and the newest additions, while still hot, don’t scrape the stratosphere like their peers. And third, I’ve since been to Union Jack’s (also in Portland), which I think has hotter dancers, so I need to ensure that there’s some scoring separation between the women there and at Devil’s Point.

A couple of closing thoughts before I finish this ludicrously long category. In the end, it doesn’t really matter if these women are 9’s or 10’s, because they’re already so fucking hot that you’re not allowed to ask for anything more unless your name is Leo or Brad. I’m currently working on a theory to describe this concept. It will likely parallel the Chandrasekhar limit for white dwarf stars. More to come next time I knock back a few glasses of wine and can reason out the details.

Lastly, it’s still true that the standard Sunday night cast at Devil’s Point is the finest shift I’ve ever seen. Brody (whose omission from the last review was an oversight of near-unforgiveable breadth), Rocket, Berlin and Piper are the ’27 Yankees of strip club lineups. Management, don’t fuck that shit up.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – This is a very tricky category. Devil’s Point is very small, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to staff the place with a crew of 20+ dancers. However, the crowds they get (as many as 100 people, it seems) suggest that perhaps a larger dancing staff is justified. I don’t really know. On both of my Sunday night visits, the crowd was massive, but the dance crew was limited to the four above-mentioned stunners. It’s clear that working the crowd and giving private dances isn’t the thrust of the business model here, but the rating system is the rating system, so I have no choice but to sting them.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – Plenty of variety in body type here, from Onyx, the rail-thin stunner who looks like Joan Jett wished she could, to Berlin, the fire-haired vixen with curves so perfectly rich that Paula Dean could cook with them. Sadly, as implied above, there is absolutely no ethnic diversity. The color wheel maxes out at tope and everyone is as American as apple pie, even if they don’t want to be.

Attitude of dancers (10/10) – These women enjoy their work so much that you’d think they had a profit-sharing interest in the club. Every single dancer was working her ass off on stage, flirting with the rail and entertaining the crowd to perfection. The customer-to-dancer ratio makes it almost impossible for the girls to personally interact with any meaningful percentage of the customers, but when they did, they were great. The aforementioned Berlin spent her smoke break in front of the club shooting the breeze with whoever was around, even going out of her way to thank a few departing couples for coming in.

Also, the way dancers interacted with staff and with each other really gave the sense that everyone was working together towards a shared goal. That’s so rare to see in a club. Usually, you’ve got a bunch of girls running individual game (or maybe paired hustles) as they fight for their piece of the financial pie. They view dancing as a zero-sum game (get ready for it, game theory nerds) with a fixed amount of money available: if Justice hooks that guy for three dances, that’s money out of Serenity’s pocket.

But that’s not the case at all. The money input is variable, meaning that most people don’t go to a club and say “I’m going to spend X dollars tonight, no matter what.” The more fun they’re having, the longer they’re going to stay, and the more money they will spend. A great club can change the size of the pie. Indeed, on my most recent trip, Devil’s Point did exactly that. I was there with a handful of women who have never spent more than a few bucks at any club, but that night, several of them spent three consecutive hours at the rack tipping dancers. The girls and management at Devil’s Point seem to understand this concept, so everyone goes out of their way to help each other if it means keeping the customers happy.

Value (10/10) – There’s never a cover (except when bands play on Saturday nights) and the pole action is at least equal to the best I’ve ever seen. PBR’s are $2 ($7 for a pitcher), microbrews are $4, and stiff mixed drinks are $5. Also, I swear I saw someone order two Red Bull and vodkas and only get charged $6 (disclaimer: I was very drunk at the time and may have been distracted by the super hot bartender, so no guarantees that this is accurate).

The only downside to the value is the dances, but I’m scoring Devil’s perfect anyway because with the amount of money that you save on booze and the cover, you aren’t gonna care that your $20 doesn’t get you the mileage it would elsewhere.

Dance Setup (6/10) – Dances occur on a partially padded bench in a tiny room that is curtained off from the rest of the club. Only one dance can happen at a time and the curtain is opaque, so nobody is going to see inside unless they really want to, but it’s so small, so close to the rest of the club, and so lacking in comfort, that it really can’t crush this score despite the significant privacy. For readers that frequent this club and have been to Lamplighter II in MA, which I imagine is nobody, consider this a poor man’s version of that setup.

Club Setup (5.5/10) – Devil’s Point is small. Very small. Despite being handcuffed by that limitation, they do well with what they’ve got. Upon walking in, you’re greeted by a 6-stool bar with a TV on one side and a row of video poker machines on the other. On the far side of the club is a small stage with an ~8-foot pole in the center and a chain on each of the two front vertices. The chains are a nice touch, giving the stage a sexy and rugged look while providing the dancers with two extra props on which to work. About ten seats line the stage and a small handful of low-tops and high-tops fill the floor.

[From my original review]
To the far right of the stage and the tables is an outcropping with a pool table and a padded bench along the wall. I’m still undecided about the value of the pool table. On the one hand, pool tables are fucking awesome and every dive bar should probably have one. On the other, this place is seriously lacking seating capacity, and that table is stealing some much needed space for a few more low-tops. I guess I’m currently indifferent. If you own or work at this club and read this review (an unlikely parlay indeed), chime in and sway my opinion.

[My thoughts now]
Since I first visited Devil’s Point, they’ve removed the pool table, and now that I’ve seen the space without it, I couldn’t agree more with the decision. The removal did wonders to open up the club, turning a near-functionless corner into the perfect spot for a large group and providing some refuge for the curious wallflowers amongst the crowd. And without customers milling about with pool cues, a rookie roller girl who drank and smoked too much can pass out in peace while her teammates create a ruckus on the other side of the club.

Club Atmosphere (8/10) – The club has a completely different atmosphere depending on the time. During the dayshift, it’s the definition of a dive bar, with the dim red lighting, cheap beer, and Erotic Photo Hunt machine. It reminds me of my favorite hangouts in Boston, where the sickos go to get rid of the shakes at noon. The only difference I noticed was the music, which was dancer’s choice, making it considerably better and more upbeat than you’d find in a typical dive.

At night, it’s still divey, of course, but gets packed with people of all shapes, sizes and ages. It was pretty great to see 60 year old couples sharing the floor with the local scenesters and other curious yuppies. For the most part, everyone was chill and the d-bag factor was minimal. Also, it was probably the best-looking crowd I’ve ever seen at a strip club, including a large number of hotties who would be the best-looking girl in the room at any number of bars across America (brutally, I managed to strike out with all of them). As I wrote before, the staff goes out of their way to make sure the crowd is having a good time, and there is definitely a drinking/partying feel at night.

I’ve only been there on Sundays for stripparaoke (an idea I was skeptical of, but now think is beyond genius), so I can’t guarantee that it’s the same every day. Nevertheless, I strongly suspect that the place stays hot during the week for two reasons. First, they have different themes for every night (fire-breathing, industry night, 80’s night, etc.), which keeps everything fresh and should draw different crowds. And second, people don’t appear to work in Portland, at least not that much, so they’re free to go out on whatever nights they want.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Devil’s point is located in an off-the-beaten path neighborhood in the southeast quadrant of Portland, not accessible by the MAX, but only about a $20 cab ride from downtown. Normally, this would rate something like a 3.5, but my experiences with Portland cabs necessitate a lower mark. Twice, at completely different times of day, I waited 90 minutes for a cab to arrive. Thinking that I may have just been unlucky, I asked a friend who grew up in Portland about the taxi scene. Her answer: “Oh, they’re awful. There are like ten of them. For the whole city.” Next time, I’ll act like a true Portlander and ride a bike.

Overall – This summer, I learned two irrefutable truths. One, Fast and the Furious movies are always better with Vin Diesel. And two, Devil’s Point will never disappoint me.

If you like badass women and dive bars, then Devil’s Point just might be your nirvana. This place is chill, female-friendly (an underrated club quality), and awesomely entertaining. If I lived in Portland, I would probably hang out there two or three days a week. No joke. Just remember that you’re there for the dancing and dancers, not the dances, and adjust your expectations accordingly. If you do that, I cannot imagine a way to have a bad time.

TOTAL SCORE = 62

Heartbreakers (Columbia, SC)

Quality of Dances (17/20) – Two way upper body contact is encouraged and the girls are very active over the pants with their hands and mouths.  A few of the ladies may even work their way up your thighs if you're wearing loose fitting shorts, but that's about as far as it's going to go due to the less than private setup unless you drop big money for the VIP dances (I haven't felt like dropping hundreds of dollars, so I can't say either way what happens there).  Still, you'd have to be pretty demanding to be disappointed by these dances.  Mine were all just a small notch below what I received at Platinum Plus, but it was close enough that it might have been the luck of the draw with the women that I chose.

Quality of Dancers (4/10) – Since this place is owned by the same people who own Platinum Plus, I got the feeling that they send their b-squad here.  The vast majority of these ladies were 5s or 6s, and only a few would rate above that.  One of the hottest ladies there looked exactly like the non-airbrushed version of Sarah Jessica Parker, and one of the lesser ladies looked like an 80's era stripper who hasn't changed her hair, her clothes or her job in the last 25 years.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – Even early in the evening, they don't have enough dancers to keep most of the customers occupied.  They only have one lady on stage at a time, which sucks since high number of low quality girls means that you might be stuck without anything worthwhile to look at for a few minutes.  Thankfully, the sets are short, but they rotate through the girls fairly quickly.  It seemed like the less attractive girls were on stage particularly often, but that might have just been my impression because they were more noticeable than the better girls.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Almost all of these ladies are white, but they also have a few black dancers and there's some size variation.  The hot ladies were all thin white brunettes though, so you don't have a whole lot of options if you want to check out attractive girls.

Attitude of Dancers (1/10) – Variable dance prices kill the interaction between dancers and customers even in a club with otherwise friendly girls, because an extra step of asking how much a dance costs and, if necessary, negotiating, is thrown into the usual progression from good conversation to "let's go." They weren't too bad other than that, but the canned lines do get old pretty quickly.  I mean, I can only hear how big my dick is so many times in one night before I start to suspect that they say that to everyone.

Value (6/10) – It's a great deal if you show up before 8pm since there's only a $3 cover and drinks beers are $2.50.  Those prices basically double later in the evening (except on Tuesdays, when beers are $2 all night), but that's not bad at all either.  Once you're inside, the lack of a tip rail means that you can guiltlessly take it the sights without spending much cash, and the dances are a decent value if you're willing to bargain.  Some of the girls say that their dances are $30 for one or $50 for two, but most of them are happy to accept $25 for one or $40 for two.  The girls set their own prices, though, so never go for dances before agreeing to a price.  It sucks and makes you feel like a cheapskate to have to ask, but it's better than getting three dances and expecting to pay $60 but being told that you owe $90.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) –  Just like at the Platinum Plus, dances are given on bench/couch hybrids in a narrow area that isn't visible from the rest of the club but that provides no privacy from other people who are giving or receiving dances.  If you're the only one getting a dance, it's pretty solid, but that will rarely be the case.  The dances are at least good enough that most of the other customers will be too focused on their own dance to worry too much about what you're up to.

Club Setup (6.5/10) – Like most other things about Heatbreakers, the setup is nice but not quite as nice as at the Platinum Plus.  It's a fairly large club with a circular stage surrounded by poles to form a sort of a cage in the center of the room, and there's another smaller cage style stage toward the back of the club.  Even though it's really just one big room, the angled walls and the central location of the stage break it up to keep it from feeling oversized.  My favorite thing about the setup is that it's dark enough to allow girls to get fairly friendly at the tables toward the walls, but if you don't manage to get one of those seats, there are plenty of other tables throughout the room and a few seats at the bar.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – The crowd seems to be a little younger and rougher than at the Platinum Plus, but it still isn't too bad if you're looking for a loud, smokey place to down a few beers.  It wouldn't be my choice for a night of partying, but it feels like a great place to grab a drink after a tough day of work.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – The club is right off of I-26 and is only a few miles from downtown Columbia, but you're going to have to drive to get there.  They do at least have plenty of parking, and it seems like the type of place where your vehicle should be perfectly safe.  I parked a motorcycle there with no second thoughts.

Overall – Heartbreakers is a solid blue collar club that would be worth a visit if it was located just about anywhere else, but since it's less than five minutes from the vastly superior Platinum Plus, it's really hard to justify spending your time or your money at this place most of the time.  The one exception is if you're in the area on a Tuesday and are looking to get drunk on the cheap, in which case you really can't beat Heartbreakers' $2 domestics. Just don't forget to line up a designated driver so that you can transfer the party to Platinum Plus once you're sufficiently loaded and are ready to have some real fun.

RAW SCORE = 49.5

Oasis Good Time Emporium (Atlanta, GA)

Quality of Dances (6.5/20) – These aren't Follies-quality dances, but you could do a lot worse than Oasis for table dances in Atlanta.  Most of the girls alternate between moderate friction with some knee action and air, but these do at least feel like lap dances.  Nothing about the vibe lead me to believe that tit grabbing would be acceptable, so I didn't try it, but I was lucky enough to witness one guy making a horribly failed attempt to go for it.  Hands on the hips is generally fine though as long as you aren't too aggressive about it.

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – The Oasis ladies aren't quite as hot across the board as the ladies at The Cheetah or the Pink Pony, but they're almost all still very hot and fairly young. Considering the number of girls that they have working on weekend nights, it's impressive that they're still able to maintain such solid quality control.

Number of Dancers (8.5/10) – I couldn't even guess how many ladies were working on a Saturday night, but the club was packed with guys and pretty much every table had at least one girl and most had more than one.  Whether you're looking for dances or company, you shouldn't have to wait long at all to find a girl who's willing to provide it.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – This is where Oasis really set itself apart from the Pink Pony for me.  They still have lots of thin white blonds, but they also have a few slightly thicker girls, a few black girls and even several Asians.  With so many girls working the crowd, there's usually a different type in just about every direction.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – These girls are surprisingly friendly considering how hot they are and how busy the place gets.  Everyone was happy to sit and chat before asking about dances, and one girl was particularly impressive with her sports conversation.  I always enjoy when girls seem to know at least a little about sports, but this girl wasn't just talking generalities like, "how do you think the Falcons will do this year?"  It was more along the lines of, "what do you think about the rumor that the Eagles are looking to sign another left tackle?"  It was like getting a dance from an infinitely more attractive female John Clayton.

Value (6/10) – The $5.50 beers are 50 cents more than at most other places in Atlanta, but the $10 cover, $10 table dances and bathroom attendant looking for a tip are all standard.  The stage action is merely adequate, but since they don't have seats at the stages, it's hard to complain too much about a free show when the girls are this attractive.

Dance Setup (0/10) – Unless you're willing to drop the cash for a half hour of private dances, you'll be getting your dance at your seat right out in the middle of the open room.  That doesn't allow the girls to stretch the rules at all, and, unless you're shameless, it doesn't allow you to fully relax either.  I know a lot of people love the idea of $10 table dances in Atlanta, but I'd be more than happy to pay double that for even a modicum of privacy.  You know, like you do with lap dances almost everywhere else in the country.

Club Setup (8/10) – Oasis is a large square room with high ceilings that really should feel like a warehouse, but somehow they make it work.  There are well lit framed artsy lingerie posters around the room like you'd see at some of the big Vegas clubs and it just generally manages to be classy without being too stuffy.  There's a large bar at one side of the room, a small bar at the other side and three fairly small stages around the room.  My only complaint there is that there are no seats at the stage, so you have to stand and deliver if you want to give a tip, but it does mean that everyone has a decent view from all of the 3 or 4 person tables with moveable chairs that fill up the room.  The best thing about this place is that, unlike almost all of the other Atlanta clubs, there's plenty of seating, even when it's packed.

Club Atmosphere (8.5/10) – Oasis is a nice place to relax in the early evening and a nice place to party once the night really gets going.  It would probably be my choice for a bachelor party destination in Atlanta, and it's just generally a good time.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – This place is on the outskirts of Atlanta, but they do have plenty of parking and they're in the same general direction as Follies, so you can hit them both if you're looking to make the trip worthwhile.

Overall – Oasis is a very nice club that will be a regular stop for me any time that I'm in town.  It isn't the best at any individual aspect - their girls aren't quite the hottest, their dances aren't the most aggressive, and their location is pretty much the worst - but they're still in a two way race with Follies for the title of best all-around strip club in Atlanta.  I'm all about the dances, so you're more likely to find me at Follies, particularly before the clubs get too busy, but Oasis is the place to go if you're looking to have a night out on the town and the quality of ladies is more important to you than the quality of the table dances.

RAW SCORE = 58

Camelot West (Lexington, KY)

Quality of Dances (12.5/20) – You're probably better off sticking with table dances, but if you can manage to find anyone worth getting a lap dance from, you should be pleased with the quality.  The girls give a good grind and encourage at least moderate two way contact, and a lot of girls will graze their hands over your crotch.  Many of the girls will promise that lots of fun can be had if the reasonably priced locked private booths, but I had zero interest in getting more intimate with these ladies.

Quality of Dancers (1/10) – Most of these ladies were a little older, a little larger, or both.  I only saw one who I'd rate above a 6, and most of them were in the 2-5 range on the non-pro scale.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – I saw about a half dozen dancers and there was a decent dancer to customer ratio, but that really doesn't do you any good if the only attractive girl is tied up with regulars for the entire evening.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – They've got a fairly even mix of black and white dancers, and I did see one Latina as well.  You really don't have much choice of who to look at, though, when there's only one hot dancer in the building.  As for size, it seemed to correlate with skin tone, so you're out of luck if you're looking for a larger white lady or a smaller black one.

Attitude of Dancers (5.5/10) – They're not going to be getting many customers who just stop in because they're passing by and think it looks like a nice place to check out.  They know that everyone who stops here is a regular or at least a potential regular, so they treat customers accordingly.  If they'd get rid of the strung out girls, this score would be higher, but everyone is really friendly and you should be able to have some decent conversation if that's what you're looking for.

Value (7.5/10) – You can't beat $2.25 beers and no cover during happy hour, and, even in the evening, $3.50 beers and a $5 cover are a bargain. You'll bore quickly if you're tring to be a spectator since the stage is empty for long stretches of time, but the $5 table dances are a popular way to stretch your cash, and most of the girls offer full lap dances for two-for-$25 or two-for-$30.

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance area is a separate section of the club beside the dj booth, so the dj and anyone who is giving or receiving a dance can see what you're up to.  Still, since most people stick to the table dances, the lack of dividers between the couches isn't a deal breaker.

Club Setup (1/10) – I rarely care about strip club restrooms, but the facilities at Camelot West are so bad that I'd be doing you a disservice to not mention them. There are two urinals in the room and the door doesn't lock, so it's clearly not meant to be a one-at-a-time deal, but there's a toilet in there with no stall or dividers whatsoever.  I don't even know whether it would be more awkward dropping a deuce in front of a guy who's just trying to take a piss, or if it would be worse to be pissing in front of a guy who's laying some cable, but neither would be good.  And if that's not enough, there's a makeshift peephole (or a glory hole for a micro-penis?) between the men's and women's bathrooms that's been plugged up with toilet paper.  The worst part, though, is that the bathroom looks exactly how you expect it to look based on the rundown shithole that is Camelot West.  If it were better maintained, the setup might not actually be that bad - there's a raised area near the front that helps everyone get a good view of the small octagonal stage and there's plenty of seating at either the long bar or the small tables that are scattered around the room - but it's better days had to have been several presidencies ago.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place is a pure dive bar, so the crowd really can make the difference between it being a solid place to pound a few beers and it being a shithole where you wouldn't want to spend much time.  Unfortunately, half the crowd seemed a little rough and the other half consisted of creepy old men in way-too-short basketball shorts. I can't fault their logic, because the basketball shorts in a strip club is to guys looking to buy sex what the rolled up right pant leg was to guys looking to buy drugs in the 90s, but have a little self respect and wear some proper clothes. Cargos or khaki shorts are acceptable on a hot day and offer similar access without the side effect of creeping out every girl in the place.  Sure, it will require a little more work in telling the girls what you want, but that's a small price to pay to maintain your dignity.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – The club is in a strip mall on the west side of Lexingon. It's easy to get to an there's more than enough parking, but I didn't get the sense that this is the best part of town.

Overall – Camelot West is a run down piece of shit club where you really shouldn't plan to go if you're just looking for dances. If, on the other hand, you're looking or more than that, it might be worth keeping in mind since it's the safest bet for extra services in the Lexington area. Even then, I'd take my chances at one of the other clubs first, but you should be comforted to know that Camelot West is there if the other clubs have left you high and dry by the time that you're down to your last $100.

RAW SCORE = 38.5

Deja Vu Lexington (Lexington, KY)

Quality of Dances (6.5/20) – The dances at Deja Vu are fairly mediocre. I like the short preview that you get when the girl dances on the small stage in the dance booth and the dancers do make contact with customers, but the dj constantly announces to "keep your hands inside the ride at all times."  I assume that means that you aren't supposed to touch the dancers, but assuming that the dancers are the "rides," maybe I misinterpreted that.  Either way, I didn't get the feeling that tit grabbing would be acceptable, though minimal lower body contact is fine.

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Deja Vu has the biggest variation in quality of any of the local clubs.  They had the two hottest dancers that I saw on my Lexington strip club tour, but they also had a lot of worn out and mediocre girls taking up space.  Overall, the quality was decent but nothing to write home about.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They have lots of dancers and a very nice dancer-to-customer ratio, but the limited number of really hot dancers prevents them from getting a overly high score here.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Most of the ladies at this place are thin and white, and the really hot ones that I saw were all brunettes. Even though they were less impressive, I was pleased to at least see one or two African Americans to break up the monotony.

Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – Most of the ladies at Deja Vu are all business.  They aren't exactly rude, but if you don't get a dance right away, they probably aren't going to stick around for more than a few seconds.  Plus, this was the first place that I've ever been asked if I'd like to buy a drink for a dancer while getting a lap dance.  The blame for that obviously belongs with the waitress rather than with the dancers, but the result is nevertheless that you don't even momentarily forget that you're paying for these ladies' company.  

Value (6.5/10) – The dances are an okay value at $20 each, the $12 cover is reasonable for an alcohol-free club with free sodas, and the nude stage action is above average, but the real value comes from the crazy specials that they have.  Sometimes dances are $15, sometimes they're buy one get one free, sometimes you can get 2 girls at a time for the regular dance price, and sometimes they have something called "mystery dances."  Even after getting one of them, I still have no idea what the fuck they are.  Basically, they played some sort of achy breaky heart-ish country music and then announced a girl who was the mystery girl.  The girl who was dancing for me was the mystery girl, so I think I was supposed to get a free porn DVD or something similarly pervish, but I didn't bother to tell the DJ that I was the winner though, so maybe I'm wrong about the prize.  Either way, I was as confused as I've ever been while sober.  

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – You'd think that the setup would be decent since you get your own booth, but the opening faces directly into the main area of the club so everyone can watch your dance. It was particularly bad during one of my dances when a table full of girls stared in my direction while laughing hysterically.  I wish I'd know at the time that it was just a bachelorette party laughing at the bachelorette who was getting a dance in the booth beside me, because that dance was a very uncomfortable 3 minutes.  

Club Setup (3.5/10) – The club reminded me of a smaller version of Deja Vu's Las Vegas location, but it was a little more run down than the other Deja Vu clubs that I've been to and it was uncomfortably hot.  It's just one big room with a lot of small tables and rolly chairs, and there are a few tall tables in the back near the juice bar.  Everyone does at least have a decent view of the three-polled stage in the front of the room, but only one girl was on it at a time while I was there while I was there on a Saturday night.  

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – The vibe is pretty solid for an alcohol-free club and the DJ does everything that he can to pump up the energy level.  I don't usually enjoy a loud DJ and the weird jokey songs and mystery dances are a little over the top, but this guy is actually pretty good. As long as you manage to ignore the young jackasses that fill the place (this is the only strip club option in town for the under-21 crowd), it's easy to have a good time at Deja Vu.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Deja Vu is on the north side of Lexington and is very close to both Cowboys and Divas, and they have more than enough parking even when the club is hopping.  The only real drawback is that the entrace is in direct view of the main road, but I didn't really care about that since I'm not from the area and am shameless.  It might not be great for you, though, if you'd prefer to hide your strip club habit from anyone in Lexington.  

Overall –  Deja Vu Lexington is an okay club, but it's just not good enough in any individual aspect to overcome the lack of alcohol as far as I'm concerned.  That might be different for you if you're under 21 or are working your way through the 12 step program, but, either way, Deja Vu is a decent but unspectacular option for seeing some naked ladies in Lexington.  

RAW SCORE = 44

Cowboys (Lexington, KY)

Quality of Dances (12/20) – The dances at Cowboys are among the best that you'll find in Lexington.  Most of the girls give a solid grind and are active over the pants (and in a few cases, under the pants) with their hands.  The over the pants vibrating mouth action is particularly popular and appreciated.  Unfortunately, other than hands on the hips, the contact is one-way and the bottoms stay on.  I usually stick with topless dances anyway, but it is nice at all the other Lexington clubs to have the option to upgrade if the mood strikes.  On the plus side, even though lap dances are always my dance of choice, it's nice that they also offer moderate friction table dances that are just as useful if your real goal is to give the girl a tryout for the 15 minute VIP.  Some of the girls offer to lend a helping hand in the VIP and a few might even do more than that, but the separate cameras pointed directly at each VIP booth will be enough to keep guys with anything to lose from trying to go too far.

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – They usually have a few 8s and 9s, but quality control is fairly low, with a sizeable percentage of the girls having some glaring weakness, such as a bad boob job, a jacked up face or just a generally tired and worn out appearance.

Number of Dancers (5/10) – The actual number of dancers isn't too bad with short stage sets and not too many repeats, but the fact that there are only a few truly hot ones combined with the fact that most if not all of those hot ones are perpetually tied up with regulars means that you're going to have to drop your standards or be very patient if you want a dance when it's busy.  I was approached by a few worthy dance candidates by the end of my first beer during the day shift, but on a Saturday night, it was rare to be approached by any of the dozen-ish dancers who were on the floor, and it was even more rare to be approached by anyone who I'd rate as a 7 or above.  Of course, things are much better if you're a regular, but, for the rest of us, the lack of quality dancers can be frustrating.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of these girls are either thin and white or very thin and white.  Even though I did see a few black dancers, hair color was the only meaningful variation, because all of the women who were worth a look were Caucasian.

Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – Some of the hottest dancers are all business, particularly when the club is busy, but these ladies are generally pretty friendly.  I'm a particularly big fan of the way that a lot of them ask if you want company after you get a dance.  It really puts the ball in your court in a way that isn't too aggressive while still giving the shy guys an opening to ask for what they want.  They do try to use the lap dances to upsell to the VIP, but even that is low pressure, and a few girls suggested that I sample a few girls' table dances and lap dances before picking one for the VIP so that I'd be happy with my choice.  That's always a good idea anyway, but I've never had dancers suggest it.

Value (6.5/10) – The cover is low, cans of beer are only $3.25 and you can't beat $5 table dances, so Cowboys isn't a bad place to go if you're trying to stretch a dollar.  Lap dances are a little over priced at $20 each since they usually play very short songs, but at least you feel like you're getting something for your money. If you're looking to get a little more though, 15 minutes in the VIP area will run you $150.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) –  Lap dances are given in a separate room off of a back corner of the club, so nobody in the regular part of the club can watch you while you're getting your dances.  Unfortunately, there are no dividers in the room and it's very bright, so the DJ and anyone who's giving or receiving a dance can see you.  I'm not factoring in the VIP dance setup for this score, but, in case you're curious, it's a row of large booths that are only visible to people walking to and from their own VIP dances.  Well, them and whoever is monitoring the video feeds from the cameras that are right in front of and pointed at each booth.

Club Setup (3/10) – This place is a total dive.  There's a decent bar at one side of the club and a small bar at the other side and there are four high tables, but most people just sit at the shitty small tables with rolly chairs. The club is small enough that no one is too far from the main stage or the tiny stage that's off to the one side (or the third stage that was unused while I was there), but the lack of seating at the stage means that guys line up to hand the girls tips, blocking everyone else's view in the process.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – If you're looking for a gentlemen's club, go elsewhere, because Cowboys is a strip joint in the purest sense.  Cans of beer?  A slightly rough crowd?  Country music? Check, check, check.  Having said that, there are enough young bachelor partiers and crusty old men that you'd shouldn't feel too out of place no matter who you are.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Cowboys is on the north side of town, but it's not far from downtown Lexington and is fairly close to a few other strip clubs.  The location at the back of a strip mall is a little unusual, but there's plenty of parking and the entrance is discreet, so it's not bad.

Overall – Cowboys is very much a hybrid of the glamorous clubs like Platinum Plus and the gritty clubs like Divas.  Whether its a best-of-both-worlds hybrid or a worst-of-both-worlds hybrid really depends on when you go.  The relatively small number of quality dancers means that you never quite know what you'll get on any particular visit, but your chances of finding it at its best are inversely proportional to how busy the club is, so I'd try not to go on a weekend night if at all possible.  If you hit it right (or if you're a regular, in which case you already know this), Cowboys is the only club in town where you can get above average dances from above average dancers.  If you hit it wrong, though, it can be a frustrating experience.  Overall, it's worth stopping by and having a beer while you scope it out, but you need to be willing to bail if necessary, because it will not improve as the night goes on.

RAW SCORE = 51

Club Onyx (Atlanta, GA)

Quality of Dances (4/20) –  These are a little more variable, but, overall, the dances at Onyx are slightly worse than the useless ones that you'd get at the Pink Pony. Most of the girls alternate between 1 way contact and no contact at all, though some girls try to get a little creative and create a little bit of friction.  One girl even attempted a trick where she put her leg behind her head while standing in front of me, but she lost her balance and fell over right into my lap.  That was by far the most contact that I got at this place.  A few of the girls offer to show you a much better time outside of the club, but I definitely wouldn't go in with the expectation that you'll get that level of service.

Quality of Dancers (9/10) – Good lord, these ladies are blazing.  The top end might have be a notch below the top end at Magic City, but there are 9s everywhere and I haven't seen anyone below a 7.  My only complaint is that there are more breast implants than I'm used to seeing at black clubs and more ass implants than I'm used to seeing anywhere.

Number of Dancers (8/10) – They have well over 50 dancers working on the weekends and there are almost always several girls lined up along the main stage in the center of the club.  The ratio of girls to guys gets less impressive as the night goes on, but that's not a big deal at a place like this where watching the stage is much better than getting a table dance anyway.  Still, if you want a girl to join you, you should never have to wait too long.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – This is a black club with black dancers, so you should go elsewhere if that doesn't do anything for you.  The variety here comes almost exclusively from body types, with thick, think, muscular and jiggly dancers everywhere, and all of that variety is among high quality ladies.  You might think that some of them are a little too large if you're a fan of the Pink Pony girls, but I don't think that anyone would consider these girls fat.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes are about average at the start of the night, with a lot of girls being happy to sit and chat, but they steadily decline as the evening goes on and the number of wallets in the building increases.  I've been asked to buy more drinks for dancers here than in all of the other Atlanta clubs combined, and many of them don't even seem appreciative if you do drop $10 for a pathetic looking cocktail in a tiny plastic cup.  One girl asked me to buy her a blue motherfucker, and, from her tone, I honestly couldn't tell whether that was the name of the drink or if it was just called a "blue," and she was referring to me as "motherfucker."  I didn't want to get involved in any drama in this place, so I said I'd get her when the waitress came by, but she said she wanted it immediately so she'd go to the bar to get it and I could give her the cash.  I guess the fact that this is a service industry was lost on her.

Value (5/10) – The drink hustle is a pain in the ass, but everything else is standard for Atlanta, with a $10 cover, $10 table dances and $5 beers.  The stage action isn't quite as good as at Magic City, but it's still very impressive and a good way to take in the sights without blowing through cash.

Dance Setup (0/10) – One girl moved me to a bench along the side wall when the club wasn't busy, but generally, you'll get your dance at your table or wherever you're standing. And if you're here on the weekend, you'll almost certainly be standing.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – Onyx is a fairly large club, particularly compared to what you expect when you see the front of the place because it's much deeper than it is wide.  It's reasonably nice inside, but seating is seriously lacking, especially when the club is busy.  There's a raised couch area off to the right side and a few tall tables near the stage, but you won't get a seat there on the weekend unless you're getting bottle service.  You can at least stand at one of the two bars though, and the view of the stage is pretty decent from everywhere in the club. The stage itself is very long and narrow, allowing the ladies to line up side by side to give you several asses to watch at at time.  The only really odd thing is that the ceilings are fairly low and unfinished, so the girls are up among the heating ducts when they climb the poles.  You'll rarely be looking above their waists anyway though, so you might not even notice that.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – If you enjoy hearing the latest hip hop tracks at an eardrum rattling volume, you'll love this place.  There's a good party vibe and the crowd doesn't seem to be too bad, but the security has been intense ever since a shooting a few years ago.  Since I try to hit the bad clubs as well as the good ones, I've been patted down often.  I've even been checked for a wire (speaking of which, Onyx's bathroom attendant sounds exactly like Clay Davis to the point where I'm sure I'd have given him a big tip to say "Sheeeeeeeeit" if I'd had a few more drinks).  But I've never experienced security like this.  An androgynous creature practically raped me at the entrance, first feeling my pockets, then moving my nuts to the side so it could check my taint for a gun.  If that was a man, and there's about a 50% chance that it was, then I can no longer say that I've never had a gay experience. I admittedly did feel secure once I was inside the place, but I'd rather live dangerously than go through a security check like that.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Onyx is easy to get to from most of downtown Atlanta, is practically walkable from Kamal's 21 and isn't too far from several other decent strip clubs.  It's definitely possible to stop by for a short visit without feeling like you wasted too much time or money getting there.

Overall – This place is like a larger but slightly less classy version of Magic City.  It's a nice place to see some of the most beautiful black women in the world, just don't expect quality dances or a relaxing atmosphere, because you won't find either here.  I'll stop by occasionally since it's on the way to better clubs, but it will never be my primary destination for a night out in Atlanta.

RAW SCORE = 43

Goldrush Showbar (Atlanta, GA)

Quality of Dances (6/20) – Like pretty much everywhere else in Atlanta, you'll just be getting table dances unless you drop some significant cash for the VIP area.  There's no 2-way contact other than hands on the hips and there's no grinding, but the girls do create a little friction and some of them occasionally graze your crotch with their hands.  The girls said that at least moderate 2-way contact would be allowed in the VIP, but I've never been approached by a girl worth spending a half hour with, so I can't confirm that.

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – There's the occasional stunner, but the majority of these girls are fairly mediocre.  For the most part, they're either cute but not hot, or they're hot but a little worn out.  It's still not hard to find a girl worth spending $10 on for a table dance, but just know that these girls are a significant step down in quality from what you'd find at a half dozen or more other Atlanta clubs.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – They've always had plenty of girls working when I've been there, whether it's been early or late.  Even when it's busy, you'll be approached by a different lady every few minutes, and there are almost always several ladies dancing at a time.  You'll obviously have less competition for the few really hot dancers if you come early though.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – Goldrush has a fairly good mix of black and white dancers, and certainly has more black dancers than most of the other non-exclusively-black Atlanta clubs.  Their black dancers can't compete with what you'd find at Magic City or Onyx, but it's still nice to have a little variety thrown in to keep things interesting.

Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – The regulars seem to get plenty of love, but as a first-time and second-time visitor, I just got an endless loop of "wannadance?" throughout the night.  Stripping is a business, but these ladies make very little effort to try to hide that fact.  Some, but not all, of them are friendly once you spend some cash, but why bother spending cash to get to that point with a girl who isn't friendly?  Especially at a place like this, where they're not even particularly attractive.

Value (6/10) – You get in free with a sports ticket stub and the security guy at the door has given me a free entry pass, but otherwise, things are standard for Atlanta.  The normal cover is $10, beers are $5, the slightly above average table dances are $10 and there's a bathroom attendent looking for a tip.  I don't know anyone who likes those guys.  It's not that I mind giving a guy a dollar to do things that I'd rather do myself so much as I just hate feeling like I'm being monitored while I'm taking a piss.  For whatever reason, though, every club in Atlanta has one.  As for the stage action, it's nude, but you won't get any contact up there and the show is about as boring as watching a naked woman can be.

Dance Setup (0/10) – Table dances should be used as a way to get a cheap preview of a girl before spending $20-30 dollars per song on lap dances, but that isn't how it works in this city.  You can spend well over $100 for a half hour of private dancing or $10 for a table dance right out in the open on whatever shitty chair or stool you happen to be sitting on, but the lap dance middle option that's always my bread and butter doesn't exist.  Pretty much every Atlanta club is getting a zero for this category, so don't let it keep you away from this particular club, but just know that it sucks.

Club Setup (4/10) – This is a reasonably large club with a long, narrow main stage similar to what they have at the Pink Pony, and the tops of the two large, square bars double as stages as well.  They have 3 pool tables in back and plenty of seating. Even though the tables and chairs are fairly shitty and the whole place seems a little run down, I'm just happy to have somewhere to sit for my table dances on a Saturday night, since that's relatively rare at the popular Atlanta clubs.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – Goldrush has a good neighborhood feel to it and is an enjoyable place to stop for a drink or two, but it's not the type of place that I'd want to spend an entire night out or host a bachelor party.  Though, on the occasion of my first visit, someone was hosting an epic bash, with an Egyptian theme inside and a live camel in the parking lot.  My group had to bail by the seventh time that we heard "Walk Like an Egyptian," but everyone else seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Goldrush is fairly close to the airport, but it isn't particularly close to anything else, least of all the other decent strip clubs.  They have plenty of parking, so it's not a bad place to drive to, but it's really tough to justify the trip if you're relying on taxis.

Overall – Goldrush Showbar is an okay club that seems like it has potential to be pretty good if you're willing to invest the time and money to become a regular.  Unfortunately, it's just not good enough to make up for the inconvenient location for an infrequent visitor, so I won't be back.

RAW SCORE = 43.5

Spearmint Rhino (Lexington, KY)

Quality of Dances (9/20) For my first dance at the Rhino, I walked into the booth with a dancer about 15 seconds after a song started, and she immediately started giving an airdance.  I was crushed.  I've gotten very solid dances at their Vegas location and I've gotten very solid dances elsewhere in Lexington, so I just couldn't understand how things could be so bad here.  Well, that's because they aren't that bad.  When the song ended, the girl saddled up on my lap and announced that she was going to start the dance.  I wish I'd known in advance that the almost full song of air dancing was just a free preview so that I could have enjoyed it instead of sitting there pissed off thinking that I'd just wasted $30, but the gesture was nevertheless appreciated.

The actual dances are decent, with everyone providing a light grind and allowing varying levels of 2-way contact.  Breast touching is rarely encouraged though usually tolerated, but hands on the hips and legs isn't a problem at all.  My only real complaint is that the girls seem to spend as much time touching themselves as they do touching customers.  I know that preferences vary on that, but I prefer to get my visual stimulation on the floor and keep the dances focused on the physical.  If they insist on giving the gynecological tour though, they should at least try not to get too creative with it.  Several of these ladies did a move where they pretend to shove an imaginary dildo into themselves, but it really looks more like they're jerking off their imaginary tranny dicks. Not sexy to say the least.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) As long as you don't try to compare these ladies to the ones who dance at the Rhino's Vegas location, you should be satisfied.  There must be something about their corporate culture that encourages girls to get implants, but that's my only major complaint.  In general, these ladies are young, hot and in good shape.

Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – There were a few dozen women working the night that I was there, and even though too many of them hang out in the dressing room when it's not busy, it's nice to have a steady rotation of girls on the stage with no repeats for well over an hour.  The club makes all of the ladies line up and file through the club whenever they do the 2-for-1s, so it is an impressive sight when they're all visible at the same time.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – If you like thin blond white girls, you're in luck.  If you like thin brunette white girls, you shouldn't have any major complaints.  If you like anything else, you might want to consider hitting a different club.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of the girls at the Rhino are fairly friendly and are happy to sit and chat as long as the club isn't too busy.  I did get a little push for the VIP from some of the girls, but it wasn't over the top and didn't really detract from my enjoyment.

Value (5.5/10) – The $5 cover and $3.75 beers are both very reasonable, particularly compared to the Rhino's prices in Las Vegas.  Less impressive is the expectation that you'll buy drinks for dancers, which is pretty much always the worst return on investment that you can get.  If the girl asks, I at least assume that she wants something, but waitresses asking if I want to buy a dancer a drink is the worst, and that's what happens constantly here.  The $30 topless dances are a little over priced, but if you wait for the impressive 2-for-1 lineup, your money will go much further.  I'm not sure if it's on any set schedule, but you know that it's coming when the DJ announces for all dancers to report to the dressing room.  The stage action isn't terribly intimate, but the pole action is good and you can see that just fine without having to sit and tip at the stage.

Dance Setup (6/10) –  The lap dance area is relatively private since it's a separate area of booths at the back of the club.  Just the right side of the booth is open, so no one can see you unless they're walking to or from their own dances.  Unfortunately, a floater checks up on you to make sure that you aren't getting too wild and the couches are fairly uncomfortable, but this is still a little better than the average lap dance setup.

Club Setup (8/10) – This is a very nice, classy club.  It's not overwhelmingly large, especially compared to their Vegas location, but it's very well laid out.  The ceilings are high and the seating is in tiers so that everyone has a good view of the main stage, and that also allows most customers to have their backs to a wall.  That's a very nice touch that allows the club to feel intimate, plus it allows for a little privacy for those times when you don't want to be on full display.   If you're sitting far from the main stage and want a closer look at the girls, they'll occassionally go up on the four satellite stages that are spread throughout the club.  The bar isn't in a great location in the far back corner of the club, but there are plenty of four person tables and a counter type of area overlooking the stage, so there're usually plenty of good places to sit.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – The Spearmint Rhino is a little classier than the Platinum Plus and doesn't seem to be quite as good for a night of drunken shenanigans, but it's still a lot of fun for groups of all sizes and would be solid for a quick solo beer.  I've gotten used to the non-smoking clubs in the north, so the smoke bothered me a little at first, but it's not too bad as long as you don't have to explain your smokiness to anyone.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – The Rhino is further from downtown Lexington than any of the other Lexington clubs, but the fact that you could stand at the front door of the club and hit any one of a half dozen hotels will a baseball does a lot to make up for that.

Overall – The Lexington Spearmint Rhino is a very nice club that's deserving of a visit if you're in the area.  It's not quite as good as the Platinum Plus, but it's easily the second best option among the relatively classy Lexington clubs.

RAW SCORE = 58.5

Strokers Club (Clarkston, GA)

Quality of Dances (8.5/20) – There's strictly one-way contact, but these are still some of the best table dances that you'll find at a non-dive bar in Atlanta.  Most of the girls alternate between grinding, friction and air, and you'll get the occasional tits in the face.  They almost feel like full fledged lap dances, so you really can't complain for $10 each.  It's just unfortunate that there's no VIP room at Strokers, because these are the type of table dances that whet your appetite for something a little more aggressive.

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – They have a few blazing dancers and lots of girls in the 7-8 range, but quality control is fairly low, with several 5s and 6s working the night that I was there. Some of the girls were too thin and some had saggy tits, but a room full of hypnotizing asses did a lot to help me overlook the less attractive ladies.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – They have plenty of ladies at Strokers.  There were a few dozen working late on a Saturday night, and even though the club was packed with guys, there were still more than enough dancers to keep everyone satisfied.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Almost every lady is this place is black and in her 20's.  There's a good bit of variation of body types, but I can't give them many points here because every hot girl had a very similar look - dark skin and in good shape, but a little thicker than you'd see at a club like the Pink Pony.  

Attitude of Dancers (7/10) – Strokers is a nationally famous club, but it still very much has a neighborhood feel to it, and the girls treat you accordingly.  Everyone that I talked to was happy to sit and chat, and they were all very friendly to talk to, whether or not I accepted their offers for dances.

Value (8/10) – The address says Clarkston, but this is an Atlanta club, so you shouldn't be surprised to learn that there's a $10 cover, $5 beers, $10 table dances and a bathroom attendant who's looking for a tip.  If you've never been to the area, those are the exact same prices that you'll find at 90% of the clubs.  What you won't find at 90% (or even 20%) of the clubs are table dances that resemble lap dances, and that's what makes Strokers such a bargain.  The stage action isn't anything too fancy, but the view does make this an ass man's paradise.  And, since you won't be sitting at the stage anyway, it's a free show.

Dance Setup (0/10) – The dance setup for table dances is a zero by default, and Strokers doesn't do anything to make me deviate from that.  On a weekend night, you'll be lucky to even get a seat unless you're getting bottle service, but, if you do, you'll be right out in the open under the bright lights.  If not, you'll be standing.  It's hard to image a worse dance setup than this.

Club Setup (2.5/10) – The size is sufficient for the large crowds that are drawn to Strokers, but that and the awesome rotating stage with 3 poles are the only really good things about the place.  There are a bunch of pool tables on one side of the room, a long but insufficient bar in the back and several tables and seats that are reserved for VIPs and bottle service on weekend evenings.  If you can't and/or aren't willing to get one of those seats, you're going to have to stand, and there's really nowhere great to do that.  It's way too bright too, which just makes the standing situation even more awkward.   I found that my best chance of getting a seat was to ask the girls if there was somewhere that we could sit for a dance, and that strategy worked to get me a seat in the area in the back corner near a shitty, tiny stage and the secondary bar.  I'm not complaining though about that seat though - if you're at Strokers when it's busy, you'll be happy with any seat that you manage to get.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – This place has a bit of a neighborhood vibe and can be kind of fun, but the intense security pat down at the door and the security guy inside who bitches at people for standing in the wrong place really detracted from the atmosphere.  The cops who were searching for someone in the parking lot as I left just sealed the deal for me.  The music is good, though, if you're into rap, and it's not so overwhelmingly loud as to prevent conversations.  

Club Accessibility (2/5) – It cost me $40 to cab all the way out to Clarkston to get to Strokers from downtown Atlanta, and I'm fairly certain that the taxi driver cut me a solid deal to even get it for that price.  If you're at Oasis and want to try something a little more exotic, Strokers isn't terribly far, but it really isn't close to much else.  Since it's in a strip mall, there is at least plenty of parking.

Overall – Strokers isn't quite as good as its reputation would lead you to believe, but it's still a very solid club if you're looking for attractive black dancers and bargain table dances.  I'd go to Magic City or Onyx if you're looking for the hottest black dancers or Kamal's 21 if you're looking to get to a neighborhood-style black club without traveling too far, but Strokers does have the best table dances of any of the black clubs in Atlanta.  I doubt that I'll be back because it's just not better than the other clubs by a wide enough margin to overcome the inconvenience factor, but if you find yourself in the area or have plenty of time to spare, then, by all means, stop on by.

RAW SCORE = 46

Camelot East (Lexington, KY)

Quality of Dances (8/20) – The dances at Camelot East as mediocre as can be.  The girls all provide some slow, sensual friction, but there isn't much grinding and two way contact is rarely encouraged.  Several girls promise that much more fun can be had in the VIP room, but I need to see a little more out of the girls during the regular dances before I consider dropping that kind of cash, so I can't confirm that.   

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – Just like the dances, the dancers at this place are pretty run-of-the-mill.  I saw two beauties, but most of the girls were 6s and 7s, and a few would rate a little below that.  They do have decent quality control, though, because I didn't see anyone who was terribly unattractive.

Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – They had over a dozen women working during my lone Saturday evening visit, which was at least one dancer for every customer.  Unfortunately, half of them barely peaked their heads out of the dressing room and the other half barely circulated, so it took way too long to get anyone's attention to get a dance.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Like a lot of the other Lexington clubs, this place has mostly white dancers with a few token black girls.  A few hot redheads and a few slightly thicker (though still far from thick) girls were enough to keep things interesting for my hour and a half long visit, but I'd have definitely gotten bored by these ladies if I'd stayed for an entire evening.

Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – I saw a few strung-out girls, but most of them are fairly friendly once you get a chance to talk to them.  The real problem, though, is that it's next to impossible to get any of them to talk to you if you aren't a regular.

Value (5/10) – The good news is that the cover is only $5, the $5 table dances are a bargain and you can get beers for just $3.75.  The bad news is that the dances are overpriced at $25 for the topless version or $40 for fully nude and the stage action is fairly weak, with entire songs frequently playing to an empty stage.  If you want to upgrade to private dances, that will run you $100 for 15 minutes or $50 plus whatever you negotiate with the dancer for a half hour.

Dance Setup (2/10) –  Dances are given on relatively comfortable couches in a separate raised area near the entrance of the club.  No one from the main part of the club can see you, but there's no privacy within the dance room.  That means that anyone else who is back there can see as much as they want, so it's pretty bad if other guys are getting dances at the same time.

Club Setup (2.5/10) – Camelot East really makes an effort to pull off the classy look but somehow falls short of that and just ends up being sterile.  That's a big step up from their other location, which leaves you feeling like you need to be sterilized, but I hate the long white tablecloth look at an otherwise mediocre club.  The tables themselves are only big enough for two people and all of the seats are lined up to face the medium sized stage in the center of the room.  The tables at least break up the rows of chairs enough to prevent it from feeling too much like a theater, but I'd much rather avoid them and sit at the bench along the right side wall or the small but nice bar near the entrance.  The one place I really don't want to be sitting, though, is on their stall-less shitter.  I guess they're just trying to prevent guys from going in there and beating off, but having to worry about that kind of undermines their attempts at classiness.  

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – The setup prevents this place from working for large groups and the sterility prevents it from being ideal for a quick beer after work, so I'm really not sure who it's supposed to appeal to.  It seems safe enough, but I was itching to leave by the end of my first beer and generally wouldn't want to hang out there for an extended period of time.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – I've seen strip clubs in strip malls before, but this is the first time that I've ever seen one that shares a strip mall with a church.  I don't know which was there first, but I'm impressed that they can coexist.  You don't need to worry about anyone seeing you go into the club though, because Camelot East's entrance is at the back of the building.  The club is a few miles from downtown, but they have plenty of parking and there's a bus stop right across the street.

Overall – That's like a 40-degree day. Ain't nobody got nothing to say about a 40-degree day. Fifty. Bring a smile to your face. Sixty, shit, niggas is damn near barbecuing on that motherfucker. Go down to 20, niggas get their bitch on. Get their blood complaining. But forty? Nobody give a fuck about 40. Nobody remember 40, and y'all niggas is giving me way too many 40-degree days! What the fuck? ~ Stringer Bell (The Wire)

Camelot East is the 40-degree day of strip clubs.  Not good enough to warrant a visit or bad enough to be memorable.  Just average or slightly below across the board.  

RAW SCORE = 41

Call to Action

All,

See this post from Rocket, one of my favorite writers/performers of all time, regarding XoticSpot's hottest dancer of the summer contest. You can vote for her by going here and clicking at the link at the top of the page. You need an XoticSpot account, but you should already have one anyway (it's free), so I don't feel like I'm creating any extra work for you.

The list of reasons why you should vote for Rocket includes, but is not limited to, the following:

1) She's so beautiful that she could be an air hostess in the 60's.

2) She plans to donate a portion of her winnings to SWAAY. Although this blog wasn't started with any sort of political agenda (I really just needed an excuse to justify my degenerate behavior), I feel very strongly that the way sex workers are perceived and treated in America is disgusting and I support any efforts to correct that problem.

3) Because I said so.

I think that's it. I'm going to Iceland for a few days next week. Sadly, the word on the street is that they've banned strip clubs. World's most feminist country, my ass.

Platinum Plus Lexington (Lexington, KY)

Quality of Dances (8.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls offering full two-way contact and other girls only providing a soft rub without allowing much touching.  Most of the ladies do at least provide a slow but solid grind and allow hands on the hips, so the dances end up being reasonably enjoyable as long as your expectations aren't too high.  Just know that if you're expecting the type of contact that you'd get at their Columbia, SC location, your expectations are too high. he only advantage here is that you have the option of upgrading to a nude dance if you're willing to spend an extra $10.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – There weren't any 9s or 10s during my visits, but they had 7s and 8s as far as the eye could see.  It's just an exceptionally consistent work force that's filled with women who are worth taking for a dance.

Number of Dancers (8/10) – They have more than enough dancers, and just about every table of guys was being entertained by one or more ladies at a time, even when the club is packed.  During the two-for-one parade, things are even more impressive, with dozens of women filing through the room looking for guys to entertain.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3.5/5) – Most of the ladies at the Platinum Plus are white, but they have some of the best body variation that I've ever seen.  It's not unusual to find a club with thick girls, thin girls and everything in between, but it's almost impossible to find a place with that kind of variation where all of the ladies are mainstream hot.  Since everyone in this place rates at least a 7, even the women who aren't your type shouldn't be a turnoff.  

Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – The good news is that some of the ladies were happy to sit and chat after I got a few dances even though I made it clear that I wouldn't be purchasing any more from them, and a lot of these ladies were actually a lot of fun to talk to.  The bad news is that several of the girls ask you to prepay for dances and some ask if you want a dance without even introducing themselves.  The real reason for this low score, though, is that the Platinum Plus refuses to set dance prices, so you have to ask every single girl what her rates are and then negotiate before getting a dance.  If I'm having a good conversation with a attractive girl and she asks if I want a dance, the last thing that I want to do is look like I'm counting pennies, but it's inevitable that you'll get ripped off if you don't confirm the rates.  In case the club's management is reading this, just make it an even $25 per song with no multiple song discounts.  The girls would make more money and the customers could go with the flow, and everyone would be better off.  I'd gladly pay a few dollars extra for that, and I guarantee that I'm not the only one.    

Value (6/10) – The $6 cover isn't bad and $3.75 beers are solid, but you'll get your change in $2 bills and a few of the girls who got me drinks just pocketed $2.25 as a tip.  That's probably what I would have tipped anyway, but since they didn't even ask, it felt more like an overpriced $6 beer than a $3.75 bargain.  Dance prices are variable, but buying one dance at a time generally isn't a great deal, with most of the girls charging $30 for topless or $40 for nude. The club does at least run periodic two-for-ones, and a lot of girls will give two topless dances for $40 throughout the night so it's not bad if you're patient or buy in bulk.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Dances are given in two long narrow rooms with bench/couch hybrids lining the opposing walls.  People in the main part of the club can't really see you, but there's no privacy from other people who are getting dances and, when the club is busy, other people are always getting dances.  During two-for-ones in particular, the dance area gets packed.  The seats themselves aren't overly comfortable, but they're not so bad as to detract from the dance.

Club Setup (9/10) – This is a beautiful club both inside and out. There's a large rectangular stage at one side of the room and a small, circular, cage style stage at the other side of the room.  In case you're unfamiliar with those things, the stage is surrounded by poles that enclose the girl and allow for some very creative dance moves that you won't see at many other clubs.  Like Platinum Plus's other locations, the lighting is perfect, with just enough strobes to light up the girls, but not so much as to be annoying or make things too bright.  The floor can get a little cramped with all of the small tables filling the room, but it does provide plenty of seating, even on weekend evenings.  If you'd rather hang out at the bar, there's a large one in the back of the club, but you can also get beers at the rack as you walk in if you're impatient.

Club Atmosphere (9/10) – This place has a great party vibe but still manages to be inviting for small groups and solo visitors as well.  My only complaint is that the weekend DJ seems to think that you're there to hear him talk, even going so far as to kill the music in the middle of a song to blabber about who-know-what.  It's not just a few seconds of it either; one girl was fully dressed by the time he turned the music back up because the girl and I both assumed that the song was over.  Thankfully, she apologized and hopped back on without any prompting, but the DJ successfully killed the flow.  Strip club DJs need to learn that if they're saying anything more than "right now all lap dances are buy one, get one free" and "that's going to do it for Jade.  Next up to the stage, Destiny," he's talking too much.  

Club Accessibility (4/5) – This club is easy to get to from anywhere in Lexington and they have plenty of parking, with one of the largest strip club parking lots that I've ever seen.

Overall – The Platinum Plus is the best strip club in Lexington.  There are a few places on the north side of town that offer more aggressive lap dances and the Spearmint Rhino is a decent option if you're just passing by on I-75, but this place is the whole package.  If you've been to their Columbia, SC location, it's a very similar experience except these girls are hotter but give much worse dances.  Still, even for a lap dance fiend like me, Platinum Plus Lexington is a guaranteed good time, and I'll be stopping by in the unlikely event that I ever find myself back in the area.

RAW SCORE = 59.5

Pink Pony (Atlanta, GA)

Quality of Dances (4/20) – It's not impossible to find worse table dances than these (just head to The Cheetah), but these are pretty bad.  There's strictly one way contact, and even that is fairly minimal.  A few girls will brush their knees against your crotch, but, in general, these dances are a waste of time.

Quality of Dancers (9/10) – If you're solely interested in looking at attractive naked women, you shouldn't have any problem with the Pink Pony.  They have a few enhanced ladies and a few older dancers, but the majority of these ladies are 8s and 9s and the shot girls and bartenders are even hotter than that.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They hire plenty of dancers, but I've rarely if ever seen more guys packed into a club than you'll find at the Pink Pony on a weekend night, so it can still be next to impossible to get a girl's attention for a dance.  Of course, maybe they just assume that the dances are so shitty that no one will want one anyway.  If you're looking to spend some time with the ladies, though, you should show up early, because they arrive well before the crowds do.  If I ever come back, I'll definitely be aiming to arrive before 10pm.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – The same people who own the Pink Pony own Onyx, and they seem to like to keep their girls segregated.  Onyx is an all black club, and even though the Pink Pony isn't 100% white, it's pretty close to it.  Most of the girls are stick-figure thin, which makes things particularly boring since they lack racial diversity.  There are usually a few white girls who aren't super thin (though far from thick) and a few black girls who lack curves, and, according to a dancer I talked to at Onyx, that's by design.  She claimed that management basically told her that their customers prefer white girls, or, failing that, at least black girls with "white bodies."  And based on the number of customers who pack themselves into this place, I guess they know what their clientele wants.  Seems boring to me, but far be it for this Yankee to try to figure out southern guys' tastes in women.

Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – There's the occasional friendly dancer, but most ask about dances before even introducing themselves, and a lot of them say that the table dance price is "$10 plus a nice tip."  If a waitress tells me that the porterhouse special is "$80 plus a nice tip," I'm not going to be leaving much of a tip, and I'm going to look for a different steakhouse next time.  The same principle goes for strip clubs, especially if we're talking about borderline air dances in the middle of a packed room (preemptive clarification for the anti-strip club readers: the stripper is the waitress in this analogy, not the piece of meat).  A few hundred other guys are waiting to give the girls cash, so I guess it doesn't affect their business too much, but I've been less than impressed.

Value (4.5/10) – The $10 cover and $5 beers are pretty standard and the nude stage show is above average, but the $10 (plus tip) table dances are about twice as expensive as they're worth. Still, since the only real reason to ever come here is to look at beautiful naked women, you can manage to have a fairly good time without breaking the bank.

Dance Setup (0/10) –  Table dances are, by definition, given right out in the open at the regular seats or bar stools.  They're particularly bad at the Pink Pony, though, because it can get so packed that you might find yourself in standing room only.  Even a skilled and motivated lapdancer would struggle to make that work, and these ladies certainly aren't that.

Club Setup (6/10) – The Pink Pony is a fairly large club, with a long narrow main stage at one end, a bar top stage off to one side, and two smaller stages toward the middle of the club.  They overdo it a little with the strobe lights flashing and the stage lighting up in various colors, but it's still a reasonably classy setup.  Everyone has a decent view of the action since it's really just one big open room.  There aren't a ton of tables to sit at, but the 3 large bars provide sufficient seating most of the time.  Just don't expect to find a seat if you show up late on a Friday or Saturday.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – This place has a real party atmosphere on weekend evenings, with young guys and attractive non-pro ladies filling the place from wall to wall.  I prefer it when it's a little less crowded and a little more relaxed, but it's not too hard to have a good time here regardless of when you arrive.  Other than an inordinate number of frat boy types, the crowd is decent, and the mild pat down at the door seems to be completely unnecessary.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – A short cab ride will get you here from downtown or from most of the other worthwhile clubs in the city.  It's the type of place where you'll want to be drinking, but if you do chose to drive, they have plenty of parking.

Overall – The Pink Pony is one of, if not the, most popular clubs in Atlanta.  It has some of the most attractive women in the Southeast and it's fully nude, and that's enough for the young guys who pack this place night after night.  Every once in a while, it's even enough for me.  More often though, I want friendly girls, a little variety and some quality dances, and the Pink Pony fails miserably at providing any of those three things.  So it might be just what you're looking for, but it isn't going to be added to the list of clubs that I feel like I need to hit when I'm in town.

RAW SCORE = 42.5

Magic City (Atlanta, GA)

Quality of Dances (6.5/20) – You know there won't be much grinding since these are just table dances right out in the open, but there's still lots of friction and the girls don't mind if you touch their hips or legs.  You'd have to be insane or at least dropping insane amounts of cash to try to push your luck in this place though.

Quality of Dancers (10/10) – If you like black women, you're in luck, because Magic City has some of the hottest in the world.  It's packed wall-to-wall with girls who look like they just stepped out of a T.I. video. I've always wondered why Atlanta rappers all love strip clubs so much, but the talent in this place removes the mystery.

Number of Dancers (8/10) –  Despite the fact that Magic City can get packed with customers on weekends and Monday nights, there are always still more than enough dancers working the crowd. Even my table of white guys got plenty of love.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – The dancers are about as diverse as the customers, which is to say not very.  There are a few Latinas mixed in, but this place is almost exclusively a black club.  There is at least plenty of size variation, with everything from model thin to car show model thick represented in full force.

Attitude of Dancers (7/10) – These ladies are really friendly, and most seem to genuinely enjoy trying to one-up each other on stage. The music is loud, so interaction can be difficult, but just seeing dancers have fun like this adds so much to a strip club experience.

Value (3/10) – Magic City is not the place to go if you're trying to ball on a budget.  The dances and beers aren't too bad at $10 and $6, respectively, but the $20 cover is ridiculous and you shouldn't even bother to sit at the stage unless you're dropping stacks of cash. Every person that I saw sit at the stage was burning through money, and when no one was making it rain, the stageside seats were empty. You just don't sit up there to spend $5 per song. And don't bother to replenish your funds at their ATM, because the 10% surcharge is practically theft. Some of the stage action is almost worth it though.

Dance Setup (0/10) – You'll get your dance wherever you are.  If you're lucky, that will be a shitty chair towards the walls, but if you're here on a Friday, Saturday or Monday night, you'll more likely be standing. One girl took me to a chair by the stage, but you're on full display up there, so you might be self-conscious with a room full of guys watching you get a dance.  I could practically see thought bubbles above guys' heads saying "no way that white boy can handle that ass."

Club Setup (2/10) – There's a long, nice bar along the left hand wall, but it's not nearly big enough for the crowds that descend on this place at night.  A large, H-shaped stage takes up the middle part of the club, and there are a few shitty chairs around it for the big spenders.  Other than that, though, there are a few tables, but most of the crowd will end up standing when it's busy.  That wouldn't be great anywhere, but in a place where everyone gets table dances, it's particularly awful.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – There were a few scary looking guys in the crowd, but overall, I never felt like I was in danger.  That may have been my own naiveté though, because one dancer whispered to me to "just be safe," and everyone around town seemed shocked when I said I was going here. Still, my own impression was that Magic City is a nice place to hang out, have a few drinks, and take in some scenery. I wouldn't get out-of-my-mind drunk in here, but that's not really ever a great idea in an unfamiliar club anyway. As long as you're respectful, you should have a solid time here.

Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – Magic City isn't in the greatest area, but it's right downtown by the bus terminal and isn't too far from Turner Field and the Holiday Inn.

Overall – Whether you realize it or not, you've almost certainly heard of Magic City if you've listened to any hip hop over the last 15 years.  This place is name dropped about as much as Biggie, and it's the home club for all of the Atlanta rappers including Big Boi of OutKast. Several guys helped to make strip clubs socially acceptable back in the 90's (Howard Stern, etc.), but Big Boi was really the guy who I remember making them cool. Maybe that's just false memories from a guy who wasn't even old enough to go to clubs when ATLiens came out, but that's how I remember it. And, if that's how you remember it too, then Magic City is a place that you won't want to miss. Otherwise, it's an above average club with blazingly hot black dancers and great stage action, but you might be better served going elsewhere if funds are limited or you're looking for quality lap dances.

TOTAL SCORE -  45.5