Pier 34 Lounge (Seymour, CT)

 

Quality of Dances (12.5/20) – There's a lot of variation between girls here, but I've experienced a few dancers who are very generous with their hands and their mouths over the pants. Whether or not you're interested in having these girls touch you may be a different story, but that aside, the dance quality is pretty good.

Quality of Dancers (1.5/10) – You might find a gem here from time to time, but overall, the quality is about what you'd expect from a dive bar in the middle of nowhere. They were too friendly for me to feel good about being harsh here, but I'll just say that most of the girls that I've seen have been bigger, older, or both.

Number of Dancers (1/10) – Even though there aren't a whole lot of customers, two girls working on a Friday night just isn't very good.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – The sample size is small, but I've only seen white and Brazilian girls here. There's a wide variety of body types and ages, though the variety in both of those categories go beyond what most customers would be interested in seeing.

Attitude of Dancers (9/10) – The girls here are about as friendly as you'll ever find in a club. Given the dance setup and the quality of girls, I'm guessing that most of the customers come here for the conversation more than anything else, and these dancers are nice enough to make that possible.

Value (5/10) – There isn't a cover charge (or at least there hasn't been while I've been there), beers are $4, and dances are $20. If you get one of the better dancers, $20 isn't a terrible value. I haven't seen much stage action, but that's probably a good thing.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There are two small benches in a corner of the main area of the club where they give the dances. Most of the people at the bar can't see you, but management does have a decent view from the one end of the bar, and anyone at the stage can watch.

Club Setup (3/10) – There's a small bar, a decent but barely used stage, and a big open room with a few shitty tables scattered around. They also have two pool tables by the bar, but I haven't seen anyone using them.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – If you're looking for a dive bar to have a drink and joke around with the dancers and bartender, it's pretty solid. Honestly, I have no idea why I enjoyed it here, but I did, so I'll give it a decent score. Just don't expect a traditional strip club vibe, because it doesn't have that.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – This club is in the middle of nowhere, but I do like the somewhat unique location right beside the Housatonic River.

Overall – I actually have a soft spot for this place as a dive bar, but if you're hoping to see attractive topless women, you'll have to go somewhere else.

RAW SCORE = 39.5

Keepers (Milford, CT)

Quality of dances (11/20) – The dances here are aggressive and moderate 2-way contact is encouraged, but the lack of privacy prevents anyone from doing too much. Still, you'll get a decent grind and don't have to keep your hands at your sides. Just how much your hands can move from your sides tends to vary a lot from one girl to the next, though I've yet to come across any complete prudes.

Quality of dancers (8/10) – This place has some of the finest girls that New England has to offer. I haven't been here all that often, but when I have been, I've see girls ranging from 5s to 9s, with a lot more towards the top of that range than the bottom of it.

Number of Dancers (4.5/10) – There aren't enough girls on the day shift, but at night, I've always found a solid number of dancers and a very favorable dancer-to-customer ratio.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) - It's rare for any club to get a perfect score in any of these categories, but Keepers almost earned one during my first visit with black, white, Latina, Asian, and Indian dancers. Unfortunately, the racial variety hasn't been quite as good during subsequent visits, but it's still fairly solid. And if the rainbow of dancers isn't enough variety for you, the bodies range from extremely fit to pleasantly plump, so you should be set.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – This score might be a little unfair because the majority of girls have been fairly friendly, but there's been some hustling and miscounting of dances, so the whole club has to suffer for that. Until management deals with the miscounting, customers need to demand that the girls wait for a new song to start a dance (which is always a good idea unless the girl specifically says in advance that she isn't charging for the first one), and count to the dancer after each song.

Value (5/10) – I paid a $5 cover on a Friday night, the dances are $20, and beers are $4 each. That's just about as average as you can get.

Dance Setup (2/10) – The dance room is separate from the main area of the club, but there is no privacy within the dance area. Everyone has their own reasonably comfortable chair, but there are no barriers between them, and I even heard one dancer yelling at another girl for doing things that they weren't allowed to do in there. Sadly, my dancer wasn't the one getting yelled at so I'm not sure what exactly that dancer was up to, but it sounded like someone was having some fun.

Club Setup (6/10) – There's a large stage inside the bar with channels for the bar tenders to walk around and serve drinks (it's very similar to the stage at Mardi Gras in Springfield). It seems like a deathtrap for the girls, but it's nice for customers who enjoy watching the stage action but who get self-conscious at a normal stage. There's a second huge bar, though it may be reserved for special events because it wasn't open when I was there. There are also a few tables and pool tables away from the bar, but almost everyone stays at the bar/stage.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – There was a relaxed vibe in here and it seems like a place that would be a lot of fun whether you're flying solo or with a group of guys.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – The location in a strip mall is very unusual, but it's close to 95 and does have plenty of parking. If you're worried about being spotted walking into a titty bar by your neighbors who are getting their nails done or are shopping at the hose supply store, you may want to avoid this place during the day. Luckily for the less shameless of us, the club seems to be the only business in the strip mall that's open at night.

Overall – I loves variety, and this place has it. Everything else is solid, and solid is enough to keep me coming back to see some of the only Asian and Indian dancers in the state.

TOTAL SCORE = 51

LAST UPDATED: July, 2010

Peter's Spotlight Entertainer: Shelby (Hurricane Betty’s)

Readers/lovers of Peter Tips,

It is with great excitement that I unveil the newest treat from your favorite blog: Peter’s Spotlight Entertainer, where I will interview New England’s finest entertainers and post those interviews for your reading pleasure. I believe in showcasing not only the physical beauty of my muses, but also their emotional and intellectual depth, and I'm confident that these women will impress as much with their prose as they do on the pole.

The first installment highlights Shelby, a snarky spitfire from Worcester’s Hurricane Betty’s with a foul mouth, sharp wit and killer body. Join me for my sit-down with this North Shore native as she hates on Nickelback, confesses her love for late-night sci-fi and reveals what not to say during a three-way lap dance.

[Note to all dancers: my calendar is filling up quickly, so if you’d like to be considered as a spotlight entertainer, please e-mail me ASAP at stripperpoll@gmail.com]

PETER: First things first, tell us about your history as a dancer: where you’ve worked and for how long.

SHELBY: [Editor’s note: due to an equipment malfunction, this answer has been paraphrased]. I’ve been dancing since 2005. I started at Centerfold’s 2000 in Worcester, spent about a year there, then danced a little bit in LA, moved back East and spent some time at Mario’s and Cabaret. I really bounced around a lot until I came to Hurricane Betty’s a few years ago and I’ve been here ever since.

PETER: When you’re working, do you have a favorite type of music to dance to, like R&B, hip-hop, rock?

SHELBY: I try really hard to mix up my choice of music and not dance to any particular genre. My musical choices are really eclectic. You know what it is? I like to dance to shit that no one has heard at a strip club, and I hear it all the time, like “Oh, are you dancing to the Darkness?” People get psyched, people get jazzed, because they never hear that. Or [read more...]

even obscure classic rock, you know, some B-side on a Zeppelin album. I feel like that’s memorable.

My favorite song to dance to is “The Passenger” by the Deftones. But I guess, I don’t know, like sexual rock, but I really like that song, let’s put it that way.

I’d just as soon not get up there and dance to Nickelback because you have to dance to Nickelback, you know what I mean. (Editor’s note: Yes, Peter knows exactly what you mean).

PETER: Do you have any sort of signature dance move when you’re on stage? Something that’s unique to you?

SHELBY: I guess the only thing that I exclusively do is usually…actually, every night except for tonight, I always wear a studded belt, you probably remember this, and I keep it on when I get nude, so it’s just me and the belt and the shoes. And what I do is I put my hands in the belt behind me in sort of a, you know, bondage… [read more...]

sort of like alluding to a bondage thing. And so I dance like that. You know I dance, and I slide my hands in the belt and I put my back to the guest and so I’m dancing with my hands behind me. And then I do some floor work and I pull my hands out and there you go. It’s not spectacular, but if you were to describe it, somebody would say that’s Shelby.

PETER: Okay, here’s the question that the readers really want answered. What makes for a great customer?

SHELBY: Some of my favorite regulars – I can only say what I like about a regular – because I have a lot of regulars, but there are ones that I really remember, I look forward to them coming in…when they come in, my eyes light up. Just as people, I really like to dance for them, and that’s if like, they sit down, and you can tell that they enjoy it, but they don’t try to touch. Maybe after three or four [read more...]

dances they’ll progress to touching your hip or something. But just, you know, if they respect your boundaries without even you having to say it, because when I’m giving a dance, I want to know that I can hover my fucking ass like two inches from your nose and you’re sitting right where you started, that I can always anticipate where you’ll be. Cause then it makes me able to give you a better dance. So I like when customers just sit down and they get dances, you know what I mean. That’s what makes for a good customer, really; a guy who appreciates that time is money, but doesn’t make you feel, that doesn’t…I don’t know, I don’t like it when they make me feel like I’m a nuisance, like I’m begging to get naked for them. You came to my job, I didn’t make you come here. So when they come in and it’s understood, and that allows the sexiness to take place, because all the rest of it is just whatever. You’re in a strip club, you pay me to get naked, let’s just move on. I talk a lot…

PETER: Equally important, what makes for a terrible customer?

SHELBY: Well, I think the most terrible thing a customer can do is insult you. Like picking something about you and criticizing it, especially if they got a dance from you. They get a dance and you say: Oh, how was it? “Well, it was okay, but…” and then they have some, like you’ve asked them for a thumbs-up or something, they have some point to critique you on.

PETER: How often does that happen?

SHELBY: It happens a lot, but I’ve been dancing for five years. So, thank you, it was nice doing business with you and perhaps, maybe you’ll enjoy a dance later in the evening. I’m 29, I’m not gonna [read more...]

teach you how to be a gentleman; I’ll pass you along to an eighteen-year old that has the patience for it. You know, I got the twenty. So I think that’s a bad customer. I don’t think anyone really likes being propositioned. You know, if you give a dance, and all of a sudden it segways into “Would you like to come home?” I don’t like that, cause I’m like, you put me on the spot, now I have to remind you that no, I will not be coming home with you. And then they act like it’s just like, “you just got naked for me.” So I don’t like that, but I especially don’t like the critic. Or even when you’re on stage, they put up a dollar and whatever you do just wasn’t enough. Because you go to collect it and they’re like “That’s it.” I’m like: It’s a dollah. That’s like a fourth of my toll to get here. It’s a dollah. Yes, that’s it, that’s all. You think I’m gonna light a hoop on fire and jump through it? It’s a dollah.

PETER: How often do you get hit on at work?

SHELBY: How often do guys want to make me their girlfriend? All the time, for real, and it’s not arrogant, because I’m a really modest and humble person, even like, over the top, too much. And I will say, all the time, every night, and it happens to everyone, that’s the thing. It’s not unusual. I don’t know why, I don’t know why they do that.

PETER: Is it shocking in some situations who’s doing it? Or is it, like, a young 19 or 20 year old guy who’s like “Yeah, I’m gonna go home with a dancer.”

SHELBY: No. That’s the funny thing. It’s not exclusive to any age group or ethnicity. I mean, it’s more strong in say, like the Brazilian community, because I guess like down in Brazil, that’s copacetic. So you get it a lot from them, but you can get it from a nice sweet little 18-year old that is just genuinely wanting to hang out with you. Or, you know, you get it from guys who are 50 or 60 years old, but I guess cast your nets, do your thing. Who knows what you’ll pull back, right?

PETER: What’s the worst pickup line you’ve heard from a customer? And what’s the best?

SHELBY: The worst? I ask a guy if he wants a private dance and he says: “No, I don’t. I wanna take you home and introduce you to my mother. I wanna bring you out to a nice dinner. Why would I spend money on a dance when I can buy you a lobstah dinner?” I’m not making this up, as though I can deposit a lobstah dinner into the bank and pay my electric bill with it. [read more...]

Or you’re too nice is my favorite, too. “You’re so nice, you’re so pretty, you’re really smart. No, I wouldn’t like a dance.” I’m like, why, isn’t that what you want? “No, I want a dance with that girl.” And it’s just like Oh, okay, I guess you win some, you lose some. You didn’t want the nice, smart, funny girl, okay.

But the best pickup line? Sometimes customers are really charming and they woo you, because they’re genuine. At least that’s what would woo me. I mean I like, I don’t know, you’ll get a regular come in like 12 or 13 times where you get to know them a little bit and then they’ll awkwardly say to you, as you’ve been sitting down enjoying a beer or something, not even like in a dance: “Hey, I got this Christmas party or I got this wedding coming up…” And you kind of know them on a friend level, so it’s like, you could tell they just don’t really know that many people to ask, and they don’t want to insult you, like they’re going out of their way to let you know that they don’t want to sleep with you, but they would like to see you outside of work. I like that, I think it’s sweet because I appreciate that it’s real. There are all these factors that go into me thinking that something could be charming.

PETER: Okay, what’s the best way for a customer to not rudely say no to a dance?

SHELBY: Well, they should decide why they’re saying no. Some good excuses would be – well, not excuses – some realities: I’m married, I told my wife I wouldn’t get any dances, you’re beautiful. That’s a good one. I love, this is my favorite: “I really don’t have any money. I’ve been here for a couple of hours, I’m gonna get going, I [read more...]

genuinely don’t have money.” Okay, well we have an ATM. “I don’t have a bank card.” Perfect, now I don’t have to go back. I appreciate that, that’s great.

But the best thing to do is if you don’t like a girl based on her looks, you know, she’s a brunette, she has fake tits, she has real tits, she’s overweight, she’s too pale, short, Spanish, whatever, say to her: “I’m sorry, I prefer blondes,” meaning, “In the next eight hours, you cannot change into someone I like. You know, I’m a nice guy, just don’t come back.” Because then it’s like great. Guys think if they say “Oh, later, later, I need to get a drink, I’m waiting for my friend,” or whatever, I’ll keep coming back. And that’s just wasting…we’re all bopping to guys that just don’t like us. If people would just narrow it down and say “I don’t like black girls,” that’s wonderful. I’m never coming back to you and I’ll go tell all my friends that are white to go to you. And then it would like – it’ll never happen – but it would create more harmony. So just say something nicely. Don’t say “I don’t like fat girls.” Try not to say: “I don’t like…” and then insert something about the person. Just say “I prefer…” something that that person definitely isn’t.

PETER: Windpants in clubs: the ultimate in comfort for him and her, or just plain creepy?

SHELBY: So, there is something to be said for wearing a normal pair of pants in that you’re gonna get a normal dance. If you wear shorts, with your business potentially peeking out of it, I’m not gonna touch you at all, I’m gonna hover. [read more...]

There’s a difference between being in this business for 5 years or 10 years. You’re an adult. You have adult men in your life outside of here. You have expectations about what a guy should act like, you know what I mean? So it’s like, I don’t even put up with that shit. I’m like “Listen, I told you three times not to do that. I’m someone’s mother, I have to go home and kiss someone before they go to bed.” You know, like, I’m selling my nudity, not my dignity, sort of thing. So I just say “I have to ask you to leave.” I mean, there’s a nice way to do it. Cause really I think the humiliation should be the punishment, you know.

PETER: What’s the weirdest/creepiest thing a guy has said to you in a club?

SHELBY: There are times in a club when guys say something that, you can’t…you have to be careful what you say, especially when you say something shady. So I’ve heard guys say stuff about kids before…children. And you hear it through the grapevine and you’re always like [grossed out sound]. My best friend that I’ve been friends with for 20 years –I worked with her up until recently – and we were here, and we always [read more...]

give double dances and stuff and whatever, like light playful touching and we’re cool with that. So we’re giving a dance to this guy once and it was September and it happened to be the 20th anniversary of when we met. So we told him that, kind of to amp up the factor of we know each other so well. And he said something to the effect of “Gee, I wish I knew you girls when you were eight.”

Literally, I was in the first booth and I walked over, mid-dance, to the DJ, repeated said comment, and then I went back to the dance and proceeded like “Listen, twenty dollars is twenty dollars, but thank God I’m not a man, ‘cause I would follow you out to the parking lot and reign blows upon you.”

That’s creepy, right? I wish I knew you when you were eight. Don’t say that to a girl who has an eight-year old daughter. Don’t do it.

PETER: What’s your favorite strip club story, besides the one you just told.

SHELBY: All time from a strip club? It’s already on YouTube. A girl who works here recorded it; you can look it up, it’s me. So I won’t tell you that, ‘cause it’s like, redundant. Favorite story? I don’t know; can I come back to it? [Shelby didn’t come back to this question; Peter will update the interview next time he sees her.]

PETER: Have you ever gotten a much larger tip than you expected?

SHELBY: Well, it’s all tips, so it’s hard to say that I’ve ever gotten…there’s making more than you expected. Like when you take a guy in the champagne room and you just kill it. You don’t even mean to, but it just snowballed into like [Peter edited out this number, but suffice it to say that it was a big score, in four digits], that’s [read more...]

awesome. Well, it’s not all my money, they pay to be in here, too, but that wasn’t in this economy, that was over at [Centerfolds] 2000.

But yeah, I have. I’ve given like three dances and had the guy peel off two hunge. And it’s so…I mean it is really nice. When I was younger, when I first started, I’d be inclined to be like “No…I didn’t…no, you take this,” and now I’m like “Are you sure? Okay, thanks.” I give you one second to get out of it. “Did you mean to? (pause) Thank you.” I can tell that that made you feel good to make me feel good. It’s a symbiotic relationship we got going on here, so…by all means, come back.

And those people, you do remember. And every once in a while, I don’t know, you spend more time with them than usual, you know what I mean. One hand washes the other, especially with regulars.

PETER: Alright, let’s talk about Shelby now. How do you unwind after work?

SHELBY: Every night when I get home, I get home about 3:30 in the morning ‘cause I live 70 miles away. So I get home at 3:30 in the morning and it’s pretty much, I’m a very habitual person, I eat a bowl of ice cream, Brigham’s ice cream, and I watch sci-fi, every night after work.

PETER: Like the Sci-Fi channel?

SHELBY: Yeah, like Iguanadon fights Tyrannosaur. I love it. So that’s how I unwind; I like watching really over-the-top, lame sci-fi movies after work. And then I just go to bed, ‘cause I’m exhausted. Just day-to-day, I’m really boring. I really lead two lives, you know what I mean. I live on the ocean, so I go to the beach every day, I play with my kid, I play Scrabble, I read, I have pets, so I take care of them. That’s it…really nerdy stuff.

PETER: What’s your favorite book?

SHELBY: Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. [Peter tried to launch into an intellectual discussion here, but despite being an educated man, he couldn’t keep up with Shelby, so he cut that section of the interview.]

PETER: Favorite drink?

SHELBY: My favorite cocktail is probably an espresso martini, made with real espresso. There’s only a few places that really make them well and this place isn’t one of them; they don’t have an espresso machine. But I don’t really drink here. If I drink here, I’ll have like a shot of Sambuca or a glass of Bailey’s on ice. Just like, if I drink, it’s cause I’m bored and I’m sitting with a gentlemen that I enjoy his company and I have time to kill.

PETER: How often does that happen, you enjoying people’s company in here?

SHELBY: All the time. You see the worst in people, but as much as you see the worst, you definitely see the best, and I love talking to people; that’s why I’m still in this business.

PETER: How do you, and other dancers, keep yourselves in such great shape?

SHELBY: Take a look around at any strip club, and especially Hurricane Betty’s. The variation and the selection of body types at this place and at a lot of places, you have every girl, there are girls that are super skinny, girls that are real heavy, girls that are super athletic, girls that are just naturally slim. I, personally, stay really [read more...]

active at work, I work out, I run when I’m not here. But I know a lot of girls that teach sports, like teach soccer, and other girls that play sports themselves. And then there’s some girls that don’t work out at all, they have outstanding bodies. Some girls don’t have great figures at all, they don’t work out, they’re hitting that niche of guys that likes a thicker lady. So everyone’s different.

I, in particular, have a 9-year old daughter so, you know, I’m active just parenting. Working here, but then I run, I walk every day, I do abs, you gotta do your abs, I don’t know that that’s very evident.

PETER: What’s the one day of the year you don’t want to work?

SHELBY: I guess the day that I don’t really…okay, say I was supposed to work on my kid’s birthday, clearly that would be a dealbreaker; I would not work on my kid’s birthday. After last year, I don’t think I’ll work a St. Patrick’s Day again. St. Patrick’s Day was a shitshow in this place. Plus, I have fun on St. Patty’s Day, ‘cause I never go out and I rarely drink, so it’s fun for me to do that, like that one day a year.

PETER: When you do go out, what types of things do you like to do?

SHELBY: I’ll go out when, like, the Sox are playing. I’ll go see games at a local bar. So mostly I’ll go see sports or, you know, I go out on holidays, but I don’t really go to nightclubs. I mean, I’ve worked in the service industry, in nightclubs and strip clubs, for 11 years now. I get paid to dance and unfortunately, when I’m not getting paid, there’s so many other things that I want to do, you know what I [read more...]

mean. I’m burnt out on dancing. I love to do it, and it’s nice, like once a year, to go out with my sister or something. But if I go to a bar, I usually sit and watch the game or I’ll have a pint and I’ll shoot the shit with some friends of mine, very low key. But I have a social life, it’s just…you know…boring.

PETER: Okay, last question before we let you go. What’s the best thing about Hurricane Betty’s, besides you?

SHELBY: This is kind of like a Miss America question. Miss Naked America. I genuinely do like Hurricane Betty’s, so I’m a good person to answer that. The best thing about working here for me, and what makes me come back even when you just have shit months, okay, is that there is a real camaraderie among the girls. There’s a lot of [read more...]

girls that have been here a long time, 3 or 4 years or more, and girls take care of each other in this place a lot, and it’s like I said, there’s no pretense. So if I wanna get up on stage and I wanna dance to metal, I can do that. If I wanna wear this kooky outfit, I can do that. If I wanna only wear a studded belt, I can do that. I can do whatever I want, ‘cause I’ve earned trust from my boss. But for the most part, we have a lot of leeway to be creative in our music and the way that we dress, and no one really is censoring that or putting us into a mold of, you know what I mean, you need to wear a gown, you need to dance to hip-hop or techno. That’s what I like about it, it’s unique; you don’t go into any other club and it’s like this. And I like all the different girls and there’s a lot of freedom in the club, and it’s very real. That’s what I like about Hurricane Betty’s.

PETER: I lied, I’ve got one more. Who’s your favorite Boston athlete?

SHELBY: Mike Lowell, the silver fox, obviously.

PETER: Thanks so much, Shelby. And congratulations on being Peter’s first featured dancer.

Gold Club After Dark (Hartford, CT)

Note: This is the nude, alcohol-free side of the Gold Club in Hartford. It is alternately referred to as the Gold Club Connection and the Gold Club After Dark.

Quality of Dances (8/20) – These dances are slightly better than at the topless club next door, primarily because there is no strange pedestal that the dancers are required to keep one foot on. There is one-way contact from the dancers, but touching of the dancers seems to be frowned upon. You might be able to get away with a little bit with some dancers, but that seems to be the exception rather than the rule. The grind action is alright, but nothing special. One dancer who works in both the topless and nude clubs did offer takeout, but she was really struggling to make any money because she was not the least bit attractive. I don't get the feeling that many, if any, of the attractive dancers offer their services outside the club.

Quality of Dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls were in the 6-7.5 range, but a few dancers who have no business being in this line of work bring down the score. A few of the dancers from the topless club don't work on the nude side, but for the most part, the girls walk back and forth between the clubs.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – They send a few girls over to the nude club when there are customers, but there aren't nearly as many over here as there are in the topless club. They seem to keep it stocked enough to keep the customer-to-dancer ratio decent, but there aren't usually many women to choose from.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3.5/5) – I've seen plenty of black, Latina, and white girls here, including at least one very friendly eastern European. There may be a slighly smaller percentage of white women in the nude club than in the topless club, though that could have just been the case on the few nights that I've been there.

Attitude of Dancers (1.5/10) – These girls seem to be clingy and pushy, which is a terrible combination. The day shift girls at the topless club aren't nearly as bad, but since the nude club is only open at night, they miss out on that slight boost in the rating.

Value (0/10) – I seriously considered giving them the first ever negative score for value. A $10 cover isn't great, but the real killer is $35 for the dances. I've had girls offer me a handjob in other clubs for that, and here you can't even touch the girl. That's just brutal.

Dance Setup (2/10) – The dances are given in a narrow raised area at the back of the club. There aren’t booths, but at least it isn't a bench either. The chairs are fairly comfortable, but for $35, the dances should be given on a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed in a room with a locking door. 

Club Setup (5/10) – The stage is about average and there are plenty of small tables throughout the room. I'd like to see some comfortable chairs and bigger tables, but I was pleased that the club was sufficiently dark.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – As with all nude clubs in Connecticut, there's no alcohol here. The crowd seemed harmless, but an alcohol-free strip club is never going to score well on atmosphere.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The club is in an industrial area in northern Hartford, but it isn’t too far from downtown and is right off of I-91.

Overall - This club is open after everything else in the area closes, but unless you're desperate to see some bush at 3am, there's no reason to come here. The topless Gold Club next door isn't good, but it's at least better than this.

RAW SCORE = 32.5

Gold Club (Hartford, CT)

Note: This is the topless side of the Gold Club in Hartford. For the nude side, see the Gold Club Connection review.

Quality of Dances (7/20) – As with most clubs in Connecticut, only one-way contact is allowed. There’s no bouncer closely watching the action, but the rules still seem to be enforced for the most part. Also, the girls are required to keep one foot on a small pedestal during the dances, so they can't get too comfortable with the customers. The girls are about as aggressive as they can be given the constraints, but the results are still mediocre. One dancer did offer takeout, but she was really struggling to make any money because she was not the least bit attractive. I don't get the feeling that many, if any, of the attractive dancers offer their services outside the club.

Quality of Dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls were in the 6-7.5 range, but a few dancers who have no business being in this line of work bring the score down. One of the dancers looked suspiciously like a tranny, but I had no interest in confirming her status.

Number of Dancers (4.5/10) – There were about a half dozen girls working in the mid-afternoon, but there was only one on stage at a time and a few didn’t come out of the dressing room when they weren't on stage. It wasn’t crowded though, so it was relatively easy to get a girl for a dance. They have many more dancers working the night shift, but the number of customers obviously is higher then as well.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3.5/5) – I've seen plenty of black, Latina, and white girls here, including at least one very friendly eastern European.

Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – The day shift girls are friendly, but they're often a little too interested in telling their life stories. Hearing about your alcoholic ex and your 2 kids doesn’t really get me in the mood for a dance. The night shift girls seem to be clingy and pushy, which is a terrible combination. It's bad enough when a girl tries to talk you into a dance when you clearly aren't interested, but being called cheap because you don't want to spend $300 for a half hour in the VIP room with a dancer that you wouldn't even bother to tip at the stage is ridiculous.

Value (1.5/10) – The cover and drinks aren’t too bad, but $25 is too much for any dance, let alone for limited contact dances. Also, the bouncers expect tips but don't actually provide any service. The cover from the nude club is supposed to be good here, but the woman at the register questioned whether the smiley face stamp on my hand was really from that night until I gave her a tip.

Dance Setup (3.5/10) – The dances are given in a small section of the club along the one wall. There aren’t booths, but the chairs have large sides on them kind of like sleighs, so there’s still some privacy as long as people aren’t walking by.

Club Setup (5.5/10) – The club is fairly nice inside, but there needs to be more seats for people who don’t want to sit at the stage. Most of the people seem to just stay at the bar, where there's a decent view of the stage from the one side.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – I wouldn’t hang out here for too long, but the atmosphere was reasonably relaxed and people seemed to be enjoying the food. The club next door is fully nude, but thankfully this place is just topless, so they’re still allowed to serve alcohol.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The club is in an industrial area in northern Hartford, but it isn’t too far from downtown and is right off of I-91.

Overall - The Gold Club has potential if the ownership ever changes, but having shake down artists for bouncers and seriously overpriced dances is not a recipe for securing repeat visitors. With Electric Blue only 20 minutes away, I have no idea why anyone would come here.

RAW SCORE = 41

Rockstar Gentlemen's Club (Wolcott, CT)

Quality of Dances (14.5/20) - The girls that I've sampled here have ranged from very good to excellent. I've gotten great friction from everyone, several of the girls like to run their nipples through the customer's lips, and a few of them give some solid over the pants mouth action. Mutual touching seems to be strongly encouraged by most of the dancers and it hasn't been unusual to have a dancer move my hands from my sides straight to the tits a few seconds into the first song. I don't get the impression that extras are available or that the girls will try to finish you off, but other than that, these dances are about as good as you can get.

Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) - All of the girls that I've seen have been reasonably attractive. I haven't seen any 9's or 10's, but I also haven't seen many girls that I'd go out of my way to avoid. A lot of the girls are more inked up than I'd like, but the high percentage of natural breasts does a lot to make up for that.

Number of Dancers (0.5/10) - During my most recent visits, there have been 3 or 4 girls working a fairly empty room, with the customer-to-dancer ratio rarely rising above 2-to-1. Based on that, I'd probably give them around a 3.5, but I have to knock them down a few points because of my first visit when there were no dancers in the place. I'd have given them more of a pass on that if they'd just opened for the day, but it was 7pm on a weekday. To have no one working for the after-work beer crowd is inexcuseable.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) - The overall mix of girls here is about as good as I've seen in New England. You'll find Latina, white, and black girls who vary from fairly skinny to just big enough to give you something to grab on to. Sadly, since you'll be lucky to see more than 3 girls in the club at a time, the variety on any given night is lacking.

Dancer Attitude (3/10) - The dancers are for the most part friendly and the one got major points for starting her lapdance as soon as I got to the dance area but not starting to count the songs until the next one came on 3 minutes later, but another girl undid that goodwill by trying to count the first half song as a full dance. They also lose some points for taking a group smoke break while there were customers who obviously were waiting for dances and I'd like to see the girls spend more time sitting and chatting with customers, but overall, the attitudes aren't terrible.

Value (2.5/10) - Drinks are $4.50, the cover is $5 after 6, and dances are $25 each. Even with the better than average dances, this isn't the place to go if you're looking for a bargain. They claim to have 2-for-1 dances on Tuesday evenings and Friday afternoons, but they don't always run that special when the club isn't busy, so I can't give them any credit for it.

Dance Setup (6/10) - The dance area is really just a long soft bench in the one corner of the room with strings of beads to obscure the view from the rest of the club, but it's actually pretty solid as long as only one or two guys are getting dances. Both sides of the bench extend a few feet behind a wall so that no one who isn't getting a dance can see you, and the lighting is poor enough that it feels fairly private. The bouncer peaks his head it at the end of the first song, but he seems to be more interested in counting the dances than monitoring what the customers or the dancers are doing.

Club Setup (3/10) - The stage is fairly large, the bar is about average, and there are several small tables throughout the club. Unfortunately, the lighting is way too bright and all the tables are crowded together and right out in the open. There are TVs all around the room, but most of them just show the music videos of the songs that are playing.

Atmosphere (3/10) - The bright lighting prevents this club from having much of a party vibe, but it isn't a bad place to hang out with a small group of guys for a few beers. They need to have more girls on the stage, but the girls who are up there seem to have some of the best pole skills that I've seen in Connecticut. The music mostly varies between rap and hard rock, but it inexplicably changed to country for one of my lapdances.

Location (1/10) - Rockstar is basically in the middle of nowhere. You may think that the windowless bar named "Illusions" across the street is another club, but don't waste your time. Unfortunately I did before realizing that it's some type of hillbilly bar/restaurant. If you name a bar "Illusions," you better either have some naked women or a magician on staff. So disappointing.

Overall - I almost didn't give this place a second chance after my first visit when no girls were working, but I'm glad that I did. Though you'd be better off saving your money for a trip to Tolland or Berlin or even Bridgeport, you could do a lot worse than Rockstar if you're looking for a club in Connecticut. The dances are too expensive for me to become a regular (at least until they get serious about having 2-for-1 dances every Tuesday), but I'll stop by from time to time if I find myself in the area.

TOTAL SCORE = 43.5

Kitchen Cafe Topless (Newington, CT) - CLOSED

Note: The Kitchen Cafe is two clubs in one, with a nude area and a topless area. Because the hours of operation, prices, dance quality, and crowds are different, I've split the nude and topless areas into separate reviews.

Quality of dances (4/20) – There's some decent grind action, but these dances aren't nearly as good as in the nude club next door. You don't necessarily have to keep your hands by your sides, but you probably won't get away with much touching.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – Most of the girls are reasonably attractive, but unlike at most decent clubs, you won't find any real stunners here. Of the few dozen women I've seen, I doubt that any would rate anything less than a 4 or more than a 7.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – There have been plenty of girls working every time I've been here. If you turn down the first few girls who approach you, the other girls don't seem too quick to circulate in your direction, but there are still enough girls that it isn't hard to find someone to chat with or get a dance from if that's what you're looking for.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – There's a fairly even mix of black and white dancers with a few Latinas thrown in for good measure. There's also a lot of variety in body types, though there's less variety within each race than there is between them. It would be nice to see a few more Latinas, but other than that, it's hard to complain about the variety at this place.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – The girls aren't too bad here when they're interacting one-on-one with customers, but the attitudes on stage were lacking. I put my normal $2 on the rail, and one girl loudly told me that she was glad that she could finally take her top off, since she refuses to do anything more than stand there for the $1 tips she'd been getting all day. If any dancers are reading this, here's some advice: if customers see that you're leaving your top on, you'll be lucky to get 1 dollar, but if you put on a good show, you'll get more money. The show comes before the tip, not after. There was also a little upsell on the dances, but it wasn't much worse than you'll find at most clubs.

Value (4/10) – The cover is $5, beers are around $4, and topless dances are $20 each. Some of the pushier girls with try to talk you into walking over to the nude side for the $30 dances. The nude dances are probably worth closer to $30 than the topless dances are to $20, but neither is an acceptable value.

Dance Setup (1/10) – The dance room is a small area with a few decent couches around the walls and a glass window looking out to the main area of the club. People at the bar can't see much of what goes on below your shoulders, but it's strange that they can see your face, and there are no barriers in the room.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – There are a few booths, a decent stage, and a decent bar, but it would be nice if there were some other tables and dark corners in the room.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Thankfully, the crowd doesn't seem to be nearly as rough in the topless club as it is in the nude club. I wouldn't want to hang out here for too long, but the atmosphere is decent enough to make it tolerable for a few beers.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – It isn't too hard to get here from Hartford or New Britain, but the parking lot faces a busy road and is right next to Stew Leonard's grocery store, so you better not mind if your neighbors see you walking into a strip club.

Overall – The topless half of the Kitchen Cafe is better than the nude half, but it still isn't good enough to be worth your time or your money.

TOTAL SCORE = 36.5

Kitchen Cafe Nude (Newington, CT) - CLOSED

Note: The Kitchen Cafe is two clubs in one, with a nude area and a topless area. Because the hours of operation, prices, dance quality, and crowds are different, I've split the nude and topless areas into separate reviews.

Quality of dances (9/20) – These are the most aggressive dances that I've ever had in a place where customers aren't allowed to touch the dancers. The girls work their hands over the pants and do the faux bj move, but as soon as my hands touched a dancer's leg, the bouncer ran over and told me that they don't allow that. The girls all put in enough effort to prevent the dances from being completely ruined by the knowledge that the asshole bouncer was monitoring everything, but nothing that they could have done would have gotten this score above a 10. This seems like the type of place where extras would be available, but it also seems like the type of place where you couldn't touch a girl's leg without getting yelled at, so who knows?

Quality of dancers (5/10) – Most of the girls are reasonably attractive, but unlike at most decent clubs, you won't find any real stunners here. Of the few dozen women I've seen, I doubt that any would rate anything less than a 4 or more than a 7.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – There have been plenty of girls working every time I've been here. If you turn down the first few girls who approach you, the other girls don't seem too quick to circulate in your direction, but there are still enough girls that it isn't hard to find someone to chat with or get a dance from if that's what you're looking for.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – There's a fairly even mix of black and white dancers with a few Latinas thrown in for good measure. There's also a lot of variety in body types, though there's less variety within each race than there is between them. It would be nice to see a few more Latinas, but other than that, it's hard to complain about the variety at this place.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – The girls aren't too bad here when they're interacting one-on-one with customers, but the attitudes on stage were lacking. I put my normal $2 on the rail, and one girl loudly told me that she was glad that she could finally take her top off, since she refuses to do anything more than stand there for the $1 tips she'd been getting all day. If any dancers are reading this, here's some advice: if customers see that you're leaving your top on, you'll be lucky to get 1 dollar, but if you put on a good show, you'll get more money. The show comes before the tip, not after. There was also a little upsell on the dances, but it wasn't much worse than you'll find at most clubs.

Value (0/10) – You have to pay a $10 cover and buy a $5 non-alcoholic drink when you come in, then drop another $30 for each dance. The dances aren't terrible, but when the first one effectively costs $45, they aren't nearly good enough. You can get decent nude stage action for a few bucks, but it's not enough to make up for them ripping you off on everything else.

Dance Setup (3.5/10) – There are small booths that separate each comfortable chair from the others. If I hadn't found out that the bouncer is closely monitoring everything, this score would have been higher, but there isn't much of a point to having a decent dance setup if you're being watched the whole time anyway.

Club Setup (0.5/10) – The soda/juice bar is tiny, there are only a few small tables, and the stage is fairly small. The club is sufficiently dark, but that's about all that it has going for it.

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – Lots of smoke (including at least one guy who was smoking weed), no alcohol, and a room full of wannabe gangsters made this atmosphere about as bad as I've seen. You wouldn't expect it based on the neighborhood, but this just seems like the type of place where something bad will eventually happen.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – It isn't too hard to get here from Hartford or New Britain, but the parking lot faces a busy road and is right next to Stew Leonard's grocery store, so you better not mind if your neighbors see you walking into a strip club.

Overall – Neither side of the Kitchen Cafe is nice, but the nude club is particularly bad. Unless you're looking for a club where you can smoke, I can't see any reason to come here.

TOTAL SCORE = 33.5

Nite Moves (Latham, NY)

(This review was written by Pussy Control)

Quality of dances (11/20) – Dances were pleasantly average with a good amount of contact. Two way contact was encouraged and the dancer’s contact was only blocked by a small scarf placed over the receiver's groin.

Quality of dancers (5.5/10) – There are a lot of upstate NY clubs with haggard older dancers, but the ones here were a nice group of younger white blondes/brunettes and some latinas who all worked the poll like pros. A couple of the girls brought this score down, one of which was in no shape to be taking any stitch of clothing off and the other being outright rude and refusing to accept any tips from certain patrons.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – For a Monday night, the rotation was higher than expected. Over 8 dancers and a couple more that seemed to stay occupied in the private couch rooms. Although the stage setup allowed for one dancer at a time, there were plenty of ladies mingling with patrons at the tables giving mini lap dances.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) - A couple of shockingly stunning beauties here, mostly just the pretty young types you would hope to be stripping for you. Age, ethnicity, and body types were well represented on this night shift.

Attitude of dancers (5/10) – This was going to be higher, but based on being snubbed by one dancer, I could not go higher than 5. Besides this one rotten apple, the rest of the dancers were friendly and cheerful. Their post-stage time sitting with patrons at the tables giving them extra special attention and not pressuring for private dances showed their willingness to make the experience enjoyable. They do expect a tip after each dance and will work extra hard for it.

Value (2.5/10) – The $10 cover and a two drink minimum within the juice bar drag down the rating. Best value is the 2 for $30 dances. Single dances are $25 so go for the 2x and you will be much better off. Later into the night the dj stopped advertising the 2 for $30 dances, but gave the 3 for $60 deal. Just be sure you ask for the 2 for $30 when purchasing your dance token.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – I haven't seen a better dance setup in a long time. Each private dance room is a bit bigger than a standard fitting room and includes a loveseat or large comfy chair. There is a small camera which is monitored by a somewhat distracted staffer who is also watching the stage and back parking lot while flirting with the bartender. Two way contact is blocked from the camera view by the dancer's body and handsy dancers take full advantage of the opportunity to turn you on.
(Editor’s note from Peter: Though the description of this dance setup seemingly warrants a score closer to 9.5, the camera sinks it.)

Club Setup (4/10) – This is a small gentlemen's club with a mini corner juice bar. The seating centers around the single stage with one dancer at a time; this encompasses about 20 seats. The tables are spotted around the rest of the space with some hi-tops against the walls. The dj is also the bouncer and is seated at the front with his computer and mic. Private dance rooms are in an L-shape down a side hall which does give the rest of the guests a view as to who is enjoying the dancers.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – For the location, the atmosphere was better then expected. Most of the guys were on their own, but a few duos occupied the back wall and one group of poker enthusiasts were dropping bills all over the stage. The music was a wide variety since dancers had their own pick lists that the dj pulled from. Unfortunately, any place that doesn’t serve booze gets no love from Peter Tips.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – At six miles outside Albany on Route 9, Nite Moves is just outside of reasonable cab range from the city.

Overall – Latham isn't exactly a destination city, but if you’re in the greater Albany area for business or pleasure, Nite Moves offers full nudity in an intimate setting and isn’t a bad place to kill a few hours.

TOTAL SCORE = 49

Hollywood (Southington, CT)

Quality of dances (9.5/20) – Experiences vary wildly from one girl to the next, but almost everyone engages in some solid grinding. A few of the girls are fairly active with their hands over the pants, but most just stick to giving friction with their knees or ass cracks. They don't seem to mind a hand on their legs, but you're too much in the open to do anything more than that.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – Quality control seems to be low as there are some girls here who have no business working at a strip club, but most of the girls range from 6s-8s.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – There are usually over a dozen girls working after 9pm, but before that, you're lucky to see more than 2 or 3. The club really needs to make the day and night shifts overlap so that it isn't completely dead around the time that most people would consider stopping by for an after-work beer.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4.5/5) – You'll find a good mix of black, white, and Latina dancers of various body types if you're here when there's a good number of dancers. Even when I've only seen 2 girls working, the 2 have always been of different ethnicities. They lose half a point for the lack of Asians, but that's a problem shared by just about every club in New England.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – The girls aren't bad once you get their attention, but when the club is slow, the girls don't seem interested in interacting with the customers at all. I've come in, had a beer and left all while the one dancer just sat on the stage and the other dancer sat and talked to the club manager. If they aren't going to have many girls working, the few who are there should at least be putting in some effort.

Value (3/10) – Drinks are $5, the cover is $7 in the evening (free during the day shift), and the dances are $25 each. I've been quoted $180 for the Champagne room, but I wasn't interested for any price, so I have no idea if that could be negotiated down. The stage action is fairly solid for the money.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There's a 3.5 foot high wall and that separates the dance area from the rest of the club, but people walking by or sitting at the right angle can see right in, and the bouncer always has a clear view. There are strings of beads in front of the chairs, but they don't add any privacy. The chairs are basically a soft bench with arm rests separating one seat from the next, but they are fairly comfortable.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – This place looks somewhat classy inside, but there aren't enough tables and there are no dark corners where you can sit without feeling like everyone in the place could be watching you. There are some TVs around the walls and there's one TV showing a live video of the stage, but that's mostly pointless since the club is only one square room and you're never more than 20 feet from the stage. The bar and stage are both decent, but the lighting is so bright and the stage is in such a central location that you can't really sit there and stare without feeling creepy.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – The club is in a safe location and you can feel comfortable here, but it feels more like a place to go for a quick visit than a place to hang out for an long period of time. The lack of girls during the day and early evening combined with the classier setup makes me think that they're going for a nighttime party vibe, but if that's the case, they haven't been entirely successful.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – It's not particularly close to any big attractions, but it's only a minute away from I-84 between Hartford and Waterbury.

Overall – This has become one of my go-to clubs recently, but that's more out of convenience than it is due to anything that Hollywood is doing right. I've had visits that made me swear I'd never go back, but memories of a few excellent trips and the accessibility keep bringing me back. I won't be visiting again at night because unpredictability and cover charges don't mix and I probably shouldn't visit during the day shift (which lasts until 7) because of the lack of girls, but I know that I will. I'd never make a special trip to come here, but as long as you tell yourself that you're just stopping for a drink and that anything else is a bonus, it isn't a terrible option for a quick visit to break up the commute.

TOTAL SCORE = 38.5

Updated: August, 2010

Temptations (Montreal, QC) CLOSED

Quality of dances (10/20) – You can feel up the dancers as much as you want, but most of the girls aren’t all that aggressive toward customers, at least until you’ve bought several dances in a row from the same girl. Extras did not seem to be available, but I woke up the next day with a stripper’s phone number in my wallet, so takeout may be an option. I can’t confirm this though, because I shockingly was sleeping alone and never tried to call the number.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – This club doesn't get as much traffic as a lot of the other nearby places, so the primary reason for girls to work here is if they aren't hot enough or fun enough to compete with the girls in the big clubs. Having said that, slightly below average for Montreal is still slightly above average.

Number of Dancers (4.5/10) – This is a small club that doesn’t have a ton of dancers, but there aren’t usually many customers either, so the ratio isn’t bad. I've never had a problem finding a girl to get a dance from within a minute of walking in.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Most of the girls here are Quebecois, but there are usually a few black dancers in the mix.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – I remembered these girls as being really friendly, but based on the fact that I started the night with enough money to go crazy at the clubs for the weekend and woke up with an empty wallet, I may have gotten hustled at some point while blackout drunk.

Value (3.5/10) – The girls aren’t hot enough to justify the $15 dances when there are better places right down the street and drinks are about standard for Montreal, but that’s still expensive. Also, there’s a cover charge that they won’t budge on it, even if the club is dead, which it often is.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – The dance booths are in the back of the club, out of view of the few customers who are sitting in the club. The booths are relatively large and are have a curtain across the opening. You can see through the curtain if you really look, but it does offer some decent privacy.

Club Setup (2.5/10) – The setup here is pretty much the same as all of the other clubs on this block. You walk up a narrow stairway to get to the second floor, where you'll find a narrow club with a fairly small stage. They have some tables and chairs, but it's somewhat cramped and way too bright.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – The first time I visited, I was too lazy/drunk to go to another club once I’d already paid the cover to get in, but the atmosphere was fairly poor. To avoid the main floor of the club, I just spent the entire time getting dances. In retrospect, dropping another $5 on a cover somewhere else would have been a few hundred dollars cheaper. I've checked back a few times while thinking more clearly, and the atmosphere is always about what you'd expect for a club with few customers, expensive drinks, and uncomfortable chairs. The dj usually does take requests though, so that at least makes it tolerable.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – The location is as good as you could ever ask for. It’s close to a ton of legitimate clubs, near several hotels, only a few blocks from the Centre Bell, and within a 2 minute walk of at least a half dozen other strip clubs.

Overall – In all but about 1 other city in North America, this would be a decent option, but there are just too many better clubs in Montreal for us to recommend it if either your time or your money is limited.

TOTAL SCORE = 50

Badda Bing! (Las Vegas, Nevada) - CLOSED

Before I starts this review, I'd like to recommend watching this YouTube clip from club owner Rick Belcastro. I have no affiliation with Badda Bing and have never met Belcastro, but I strongly agrees with many of the sentiments in the video and appreciate Belcastro's candor and big balls. I wishes that all club owners in Vegas would adopt a similar mentality.

Quality of dances (12.5/20) – I was pleased with the level of contact from dancers. I consistently scored full contact in both directions during standard dances and strongly suspect that private dances offer more. To be sure, few women will dig for your peter on the club floor, but that’s to be expected in an upscale joint like Badda Bing.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – In terms of dancer talent, Badda Bing hasn’t yet reached the level of its Vegas counterparts, but you certainly wouldn’t turn your nose up at them. Vegas is Vegas, so you’re bound to find at least a few women in your wheelhouse.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – Again, when compared to the rest of Vegas, Badda Bing is a little light on dancer numbers, but it’s solid when juxtaposed with the rest of North America. I saw at least a dozen dancers working on a relatively slow night.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – A little heavy on Caucasian women, which is to be expected. Plenty of body type variety. I found myself a curvy seductress while my friends hung out with her leaner peers. Could be better, but certainly could be worse.

Answer me this, please: Why does every Vegas club suffer from a serious dearth of Latina women? It’s in the southwest United States; clubs should be overflowing with beautiful senoritas. I don't get it.

Attitude of dancers (6.5/10) – Dancers were very friendly and chatty, if perhaps a little clingy. Most ran the slow game and it was nice to hang out and drink without immediately being hounded for a dance. This score may have been higher if my group hadn’t been on their way out just as they met the club’s coolest dancer.

Value (6/10) – $7 beers and $8 mixed drinks (which were pretty weak) aren’t awful prices for Vegas, but that shit adds up very quickly. Dance and stage value are about average. Of course, there’s no cover if you follow the Peter Tips Guide to Vegas, so that jumped the score above the mid-point.

Dance Setup (1/10) – Regular dances occur right on the floor, as is typical at many Vegas clubs. Readers of this site know that I have much higher standards than this.

Club Setup (7/10) – The club is relatively small, but there’s plenty of seating both near the stage and in more private corners, making it feel a little bigger than its square footage. Above the bar is a clear circular walkway upon which the women dance, a feature that I definitely appreciated. Don’t get me wrong; I consider it pretty creepy to sit at the bar and stare up at a woman’s nethers while enjoying a beer, but I appreciate Badda Bing’s originality and think the stage is aesthetically pleasing even without the dancers.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – Definitely a nice, chill vibe to this place. Great lighting, good music and not an asshole in sight. Anyone should feel comfortable here. I suspect that on busier nights, they fire it up in there, so you should tailor your visit times to your desired experience.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – It’s Vegas-accessible, meaning that you sure as shit aren’t gonna walk there, but it’s a short cab/limo from pretty much anywhere on the Strip.

Overall – Badda Bing was the most pleasant surprise of my recent jaunt to Vegas. Expecting a mediocre joint, I was treated to one of Vegas’s hidden gems. As this club evolves and fine-tunes its business, I imagine it will grow to be one of Vegas’s hot spots. The challenge for current club management will be to maintain Badda Bing’s intimate atmosphere and chill vibe as it grows more popular; it’s very easy for a sweet club to transform in to a douche factory staffed by hustlers (see Treasures over the last several years).

TOTAL SCORE = 60

DiCarlo's (Albany, NY)

Quality of dances (4/20) – Sadly, the dances at DiCarlo’s are pretty weak. Although there seems to be some wiggle room for regulars, the no-contact rules are largely enforced by dancers. I didn’t receive, nor did I witness, even a single knee or ass grind.

One interesting quirk (which provided nearly all the points for this score) is that dance prices basically operate on the honor system. When a dancer is finished with a song, she waits there and you can pay her whatever amount you like…literally any amount, including nothing. In fact, according to club rules, dancers aren’t even supposed to suggest prices. Objectively, these dances are worth no more than $5, but because I supports the industry, I recommend that patrons pay $10 per dance.

Quality of dancers (6.5/10) – For upstate New York, the women here are gorgeous. On an absolute scale, they fair poorer, but still hold their own. I'd be very surprised if a customer couldn’t find a girl to fall in love with at DiCarlo’s.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – Six dancers on a Sunday night is pretty solid for this relatively small club. From what I understand, they don’t ever get a huge number of dancers (15-20), but because I can’t imagine this place getting very packed, 10-12 should do an adequate job.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – Nary a Latina or black woman could be found amongst the blonde hair and blue eyes; an unfortunate lack of diversity. DiCarlo’s scores one point for some mild variance in body type.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – The dancers were nice enough, but none were particularly engaging. I would prefer to hear a little more game before being asked about getting a dance.

Value (4/10) – No cover before 7 PM and $5 afterwards. Miller Lites are the standard $5. A physical barrier between the stage and the floor nullifies any stage value. I'd like to say that the Name Your Price dances create significant value, but given their lack of quality, even bargain basement prices can’t save them.

Dance Setup (.5/10) – All dances take place directly on the floor of the club, usually in a shitty uncomfortable seat at one of the many tables. There’s one corner that provides the slightest bit of privacy when the club is empty, but it’s nothing to brag about.

Club Setup (4.5/10) – DiCarlo’s looks like a converted Italian restaurant, with several 4-6 person rectangular tables set up throughout the floor and a few booths near the entrance. Normally, that would be terrible, but they manage to do a decent job with what they’ve got. The stage, despite being physically blocked off from customers, is a nice design complete with a love seat and swing.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – The DJ is solid and the club has a reasonably classy feel to it. It would help if they replaced the furniture to better complement the stage and overall look of the club. They also desperately need to remove or correct the sign on the wall that reads Photo’s by “Isus” to describe a series of mounted pictures. I don’t even know where to get started with my criticism of that sign, so I'll let it speak for itself.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Located on Central Ave just a few miles outside of downtown Albany, DiCarlo’s is an easy cab ride from anywhere in the capital district.

Overall – I'd classify DiCarlo’s Lounge as a gentlemen’s club rather than a strip joint. During most hours, the women are there more as a backdrop than a main feature. That’s not necessarily a bad thing if you’re looking for a place to relax and enjoy a nice view, but club-goers shouldn’t go in expecting a rowdy time that may end up with them jizzing in their pants.

TOTAL SCORE = 38

Mickey's Valley View Pub (Cumberland, RI)

Quality of dances (11/20) – The dances are fairly good by normal standards, but they fall far short of what you'll find at the other Rhode Island clubs. There is full two-way contact, but the girls don't place any particular emphasis below the waist.

Quality of dancers (0.5/10) – The girls here are terrible. If they aren't obese, they look like they're on meth. I didn't see anyone that I'd rate above a two.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – The quantity is slightly better than the quality, but neither is acceptable. There aren't many customers, so you won't have any problem getting a girl to talk to you, but I'm not sure why you'd want to.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – There was some variety of body types, but unless the only color you like is pasty white, you'll get bored quickly.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – The girls were fairly friendly, but this is a neighborhood type of place where you'll be largely ignored if you aren't a regular and aren't throwing around money.

Value (3.5/10) – The cans of beer are reasonable (I don't think they sell bottles) and the stage action is okay, but dances are way too expensive. Unless the girls were lying to me, the club gets $20 for each dance and then you're left to negotiate with the dancers to see what they're willing to accept. The going rate seems to be $10 to the dancer, which brings the total per song to $30. That's unacceptable even if the dances are amazing, and these dances aren't.

Dance Setup (5.5/10) – There's a row of decent sized booths along the one wall with sheer curtains that prevent other customers from seeing much of what you're doing, but the curtains face the main area of the club, so it still doesn't feel all that private.

Club Setup (2/10) – The bar takes up most of the club, and the bar top is wide so that it can double as the stage. There's a small stage in the one corner of the club, but it was empty while I was there. There were a few small tables and a pool table, but everyone seems to stay at the bar.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – This place has a relaxed atmosphere, but it isn't somewhere that I could see myself spending much time other than to get the occasional after work beer. While I was there, two customers were trying to buy crack from a dancer, and even though she didn't hook them up, it didn't seem to be all that out of the ordinary.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Mickey's isn't too far outside of Providence, but it isn't all that close either. It's in a strange residential neighborhood and a lot of the nearby streets are closed, so it's no easy to find if you don't know where you're going.

Overall – This wouldn't be a good club no matter where it was located, but for Rhode Island, it's terrible. Visiting Mickey's was one of the few times that I haven't enjoyed reviewing a club for this site. Knowing that I was spending time and money in this place when Club Fantasies and the Cadillac Lounge were only 20 minutes away was brutal. Assuming that you don't run a strip club review website, there's no reason to put yourself through that.

TOTAL SCORE = 35.5

Ultra Violet (Willimantic, CT)

Quality of dances (14/20) – The dances here are very good, but I wasn't able to enjoy mine fully because the girl was dripping with sweat due to the barely functioning air conditioning. Still, full contact is allowed and encouraged in both directions. I suspect that minimal extras may be available, but I was too grossed out by the sweat to find out for sure.

Quality of dancers (2/10) – The girls that I saw weren't awful, but they weren't all that good either. There's some crossover between Ultra Violet and Electric Blue, but only the worst Blue girls seem to show up here.

Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – Apparently I caught them on an unusually slow night, but there's no excuse for ever just having 2 dancers working the evening shift.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – Both dancers that I saw were fairly plain white girls. The one had natural tits and the other did not, but that's not enough variety to warrant more than a point.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – One dancer was moderately friendly but the other completely ignored the four customers who were in the place. This seems to be the type of place where the girls are friendly with the regulars, but that didn't do me any good during my only visit.

Value (6/10) – There was no cover when I was there and beers aren't too bad at $4.75 per bottle. You get decent value for your dollar at the stage, and the $20 dances are fairly solid.

Dance Setup (5.5/10) – The dance room is mostly closed off from the rest of the club in the one corner, but the open door does allow a clear view of one of the chairs. There are no dividers within the room, but I assume that you'll usually be the only one getting a dance, so it's pretty solid. If the girl doesn't take you to one of the out-of-view chairs around the corner, I wouldn't bother going through with the dance.

Club Setup (2/10) – This is a tiny club with a small stage and uncomfortable chairs, but there's a decent bar in the center of the room with a row of TVs along the far wall.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – If they took away the women and lowered the drink prices, this place would be a solid dive bar, but as is, it's just a dumpy topless club with moderately priced drinks. The atmosphere seems to get better once you visit several times and build up a rapport with the dancers and bartenders, but I'm not sure what would possess anyone to visit enough times to allow that to happen.

Club Accessibility (.5/5) – Ultra Violet is on Main Street in Willimantic, but it isn't particularly close to anything.

Overall – My expectations were high since this place is owned by the same guy who owns Electric Blue, but I was disappointed in every way. I know there are people who like this place and I realize that I may have caught it on a bad night, but it was so bad that I can't imagine giving it another chance anytime soon. The dances here are decent, but if you're considering visiting Ultra Violet, just drive the extra 20 minutes to Electric Blue.

TOTAL SCORE = 39.5

Playhouse Lounge (Burlington, NJ)

Quality of dances (19/20) – The dances are the only reason to come here, and they are great. Most of the girls won't bother with the $20 couch dances, but for $10 more, they'll be undoing your pants within seconds of the song starting. If you refuse their offers to give you a hand, they'll still give a great dance and do their best to finish you off with the friction, though they might complain that they "really want to touch it and feel the cum."

Quality of dancers (2/10) – The quality doesn't seem to be what it was a few years ago, and even though there are enough dancers that you should be able to find one or two hot ones, the majority are old, worn, and have fake tits. If the dancers could convince their daughters to start working here, I'm fairly certain that the quality would be much higher.

Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – There are a lot of dancers here, but only a few of them could rate above a three.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – The majority of women here are Latina, but there are also plenty of white women with a few random black and Asian dancers in the mix.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – If you're looking to have a long chat with a dancer, this isn't the place for it, but the girls do aim to please. When they come up to you at the bar, most of them don't ask if they can give you a dance; they ask if they can make you cum.

Value (3/10) – There's no cover in the afternoon and you can't tip at the stage, but the girls do the dreaded tip walk. They do at least give a little action for the tips, but a tip walk is a mood killer regardless. Couch dances are technically $20, but no one gets them and most girls don't even offer them, so you'll probably be paying $30 per dance for the "VIP" room. The dances are exactly 4 minutes long regardless of how long or short the songs are, and there's a dance security guard who calls out the number of dances so that you know you won't have to deal with girls miscounting. This is a BYOB place, so that increases the value if you plan accordingly.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The couches that no one ever uses are in back of club and can only be seen by the security guy, but the real dances are in decent sized private rooms with a couch and a latching door. There is a camera in there, but it doesn't seem like anyone is monitoring that, and if they are, they clearly don't care what happens.

Club Setup (2/10) – A large bar fills the club and barely leaves enough room for customers to walk to the dance rooms in the back. The stages are inside the bar area, but they're too far from the bar to allow for any interaction between customers and dancers. Since you can't tip at the stage, the setup indirectly encourages the tip walk.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place is a shitty topless dive bar that doesn't serve alcohol. The fact that they allow you to bring your own booze helps, but I still can't imagine that anyone has ever come here for any purpose other than to cum here.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – It's near a few other clubs, but it isn't all that close to anything else. From Philly, it's a little over a half hour drive.

Overall – This place is a dump, but the dances are great and it's the only permanent club (as opposed to the primarily black city clubs that change locations every few months) in the Philly area where the girls consistently aim to leave you fully satisfied. If you don't mind older dancers, you'll love this place. You'll still probably enjoy yourself even if you do prefer younger women, but you'll be ashamed when you're done.

TOTAL SCORE = 50.5

Scruples (Feasterville-Trevose, PA)

Quality of dances (N/R) – Sadly, this rating will have to be normalized because I was somehow unable to secure a dance at Scruples. To convey the absurdity of that result, a short description is necessary. I arrived at Scruples on a Sunday night around 11 PM with a group of five fun, attractive roller girls (one of whom was Pussy Control) and one other dude. After the group spent an hour at the stage (read bar; see below) drinking beers and tipping/chatting with dancers, the group decided to buy Pussy Control a couple of dances. Flashing a fistful of money, Pussy’s friend asked the hottest dancer if she’d come dance for Pussy when she got off stage. Her answer: “I don’t do lap dances. I only give private dances upstairs.” WTF?! Not deterred, Pussy’s friend moved to the next hottest dancer. Her answer: “I’m pretty tired and don’t really want to dance.” Are you fucking serious?! It’s like they hate money.

Now, while you digest that anecdote, it’s important to keep in mind a few things. One, this occurred almost two hours before closing time, so it’s not like either of these women could understandably be phoning it in for the night. Next, Pussy Control isn’t some creepy hosebeast. She’s the undisputed champion of charming the pants off of hot women; a total legend. And third, my group, and Pussy in particular, had an excellent rapport with both of the dancers in question. Their denials were inexcusable.

Beyond those two dancers, Pussy and I were unimpressed with the limited selection and unwilling to take one for the team, so no dance was had.

Quality of dancers (5.5/10) – This was definitely a pleasant surprise. One of the two dancers mentioned above was a knockout and the other wasn’t far behind. The problem, as is often the case, was a lack of consistency. The remaining two dancers crippled this score.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – Four dancers and about four times that many patrons on a Sunday night. It’s hard to shit on that ratio given that our crew made up half the clientele and Scruples isn’t exactly centrally located. Nevertheless, four dancers on a night shift is inherently weak sauce, so it can only score so high.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – A reasonable mix of body types, including some delightful lap-dance asses, but no ethnic variety. Any differences in skin tone were simply the result of white women in various states of tan.

Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – This was on its way to a mid-range score, but the story above from ‘Quality of Dances’ ensured that it could never crawl out of the bottom quartile. Also, a note to all dancers: It’s bad enough to talk about your kids, but to show pictures? Please, stop the madness.

Value (5.5/10) – “There’s never a cover at Scruples.” Those sweet words were music to my ears. Once inside, you’ll score “buckets of beer” for $5, which consist of five 8-ounce bottles of Corona/Bud Light/whatever. If we call that between three and four real beers, that’s a solid price. Beyond those perks, though, the value sucks. Stage action is particularly weak and is negatively compounded by the dreadful “tip walk” after each song.

Dance Setup (N/R) – See the explanation from ‘Quality of Dances’ above.

Club Setup (1/10) – Hard to conceive of a much worse setup. The “stages” are slightly-raised platforms outfitted with a pole that sit on the floor in the interior of an L-shaped bar. Bartenders literally have to walk around dancers to deliver drinks. Although the bar provides plenty of seating, its edges extend close enough to the wall that it’s difficult to move around the club. It’s almost certain that this used to be a pretty sweet dive bar and the owners tried to convert it to a strip joint simply by erecting a couple of poles.

Club Atmosphere (1.5/10) – For all the reasons outlined above, club atmosphere is very weak. I didn’t get a good vibe at all.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – At twenty miles outside of Philly, Scruples is far off the beaten path. So far, in fact, that the main thoroughfare in town is named Street Road. That’s right…Street Road. It only scores a one because it’s very close to the PA Turnpike and Route 1.

Overall – If you’re staying at the Crowne Plaza in Feasterville-Trevose and you’re looking for a cheap beer, then Scruples is your place. Otherwise, it’s probably not worth a visit. The one upside is that Scruples wins the award for most (unintentionally?) hilarious club name on the east coast.

TOTAL SCORE = 28 (normalized)

Sportsman's Inn (Providence, RI) - CLOSED

Note: This club closed in 2012, but I'll leave the review up as a history lesson for anyone who never got to experience Providence in all of its pre-2009 glory.

Quality of dances (15/20) – Everything is available, but most of the girls won't try to grind you to completion during the regular dances because that would hurt their extras business. Still, the lap dances are much better than at Cheaters, and there's plenty of contact in both directions.

Quality of dancers (2/10) – They have a few decent dancers, but these certainly are not Providence's finest. I wouln't even consider getting a dance from three-quarters of the girls in here.

Number of Dancers (4.5/10) – I've only been here during the day shift, but there have been significantly more dancers than customers each time I've visited. I can't give them too high of a score though, because most of those girls weren't even worth looking at.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – There was a good mix of black, white, and Latina dancers, which should let you know just how unattractive these girls were. For me to not find a Latina attractive, she has to be heinous.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – Maybe my expectations were lowered because of the atmosphere, but I actually found most of the dancers to be surprisingly pleasant. You're going to get some hustle-factor at any club that doubles as a whorehouse, but it's much less prevalent here than at Cheaters.

Value (5.5/10) – Dances are slightly overpriced with $5 going to club and $20 to the dancer, but you don't have to get a private room for extras, so you can save money there. Also, you can get dollar dances at the bar, and even though they aren't great, you can't complain for a dollar. Drinks are a fairly standard $4.

Dance Setup (9.5/10) – The dance setup is probably the best thing about the Sportsmans Inn. There are decent sized booths with a comfortable couch and an open door, but the door only faces at most one other booth. A guy takes your dance ticket when you walk downstairs, and he directs traffic to make sure that people aren't in opposing booths unless there aren't enough booths available to avoid it. So basically, you get a private dance booth for $5.

Club Setup (0.5/10) – This club is designed horribly. It's in a basement, and even though there's a pool table and a stage, everyone just congregates at the tiny bar, where there are only 5 or 6 pathetic little stools.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This is a good place to get your dick sucked, but other than that, I can't really see coming here. People have been murdered here in the past, and I'd be willing to bet they will be in the future.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – This club is in downtown Providence, right around the corner from the Satin Doll.

Overall – The Sportsman's Inn has a little bit of everything, but it isn't great at anything, which puts it in a tough spot in Providence. If you care about the "strip club aspects" of the club, you're better off at the Cadillac Lounge or Fantasies. If, on the other hand, you care about the "whorehouse aspects," then Cheaters is a better option, with far more fuckable girls. If you're looking for a mix of the two, I'd probably recommend splitting your night between two of the aforementioned clubs, but the Sportsman's Inn wouldn't be a bad option either.

TOTAL SCORE = 50.5

Kitten's (Salisbury, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – In my lengthy strip club career, I've walked out in the middle of exactly two dances. The first was during an epic night at another club when I had too much to drink and thought I was about to empty 15 beers and 3 Subway cookies on the back of a very attractive stripper. The second time was at Kitten's, but here, the only thing that made me want to vomit was the girl wiggling around on the floor in front of me. Even for air dances, these are bad.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – The girls vary from 2s to 8s, with most falling toward the bottom of that range. Still, there was one beautiful dancer and a few other acceptable girls working.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – This is a small club, so I don't expect them to have a ton of girls, but the girls that are working should at least be on the floor when they aren't dancing. On a Friday night, I saw more girls when the door to the dressing room swung open than I saw interacting with customers.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - There's a wide range of black and white girls, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. This club is no exception to the rule that the quality of dances is directly proportional to the number of Latina dancers that are working. Zero and zero.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – Most of the girls weren't too bad, but there's nothing worse than hearing a dancer who isn't earning tips say something along the lines of, "you guys here for a free show?" Also, the one shot-girl was really pushy and wouldn't take no for an answer, finally insisting that I buy her a shot if I wasn't going to buy one for myself.

Value (5.5/10) – The only good deal here is the beer. Normal beer starts at $4, but you can get 16 ounces of something that they call "Kittens Brew" for only $3. The stage value is poor, but you actually get more of a show there than you do during a $20 dance, because some of the girls here are legitimately skilled on the pole. The cover is $5 at all times.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – This was the brightest dance room that I've ever seen. All but the most shameless of strip club goers would be embarrassed to stare at a girl in this atmosphere, especially if anyone else is getting a dance at the same time. Plus, I doubt that a spotlight would be flattering even to the girls from a club like the Spearmint Rhino, but it's devastating to these girls. People in the rest of the club can't see you and there's no bouncer watching, but there are no partitions and there's at least one camera keeping tabs on the (lack of) action.

Club Setup (3/10) – There's a decent stage and a separate shower stage, but the bar is fairly small and there aren't many tables. There's a separate game room with pool tables in the back, but it was empty when I was there.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – This is more of a dive bar than a gentleman's club, and it wouldn't be a bad place to hang out it it weren't for the dancers and the shot girl constantly harassing you for money.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – This place is in the middle of nowhere, and I really can't see any situation that would justify driving here.

Overall – When $3 mystery beer is the highlight of a club, that's a problem. I really tried to like this place, just because I didn't want to rate a place called "Kitten's" worse than I rated "The Golden Banana," but they left me with no choice. This place sucks.

TOTAL SCORE = 26.5

DB's Golden Banana (Peabody, MA)

Quality of dances (1.5/20) – The dances here are slightly less terrible than down the street at the Cabaret Lounge, but they're still among the worst in the state. If you're lucky, the girl might bump into your leg, but that's about as good as it gets here.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – Most of the girls here have good bodies but worn faces, but it's dark enough that it's hard to complain unless you're within a few feet of the them. If you do come here, I recommend that you just watch the stage from the bar or a distant table.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – There weren't many girls here when I visited on a Friday evening, but the club was dead so the ratio wasn't too bad. I actually wish there had been fewer girls so that I wouldn't have had to see any of them up close.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – The majority of the girls here are white, though the evening shift is usually slightly more colorful.

Attitude of dancers (3.5/10) – The girls were nice enough to talk to, but when one guy started throwing around money, they ignored everyone else. I saw one dancer spend her entire four song set with the guy even though she was the only one on stage and other guys had money on the rail.

Value (2/10) – Nothing is ridiculously priced, but everything is a few dollars more than it should be. There's always a cover change that ranges from $5-15, depending on the time and day. The cheapest beers will run you $6.50 and anything that you spend at the stage will be a waste. The value is helped somewhat by the availability of $10 dances at your table, but the real dances are $20, and both options are overpriced.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – The dance room has the typical Massachusetts non-partitioned bench seating setup, but at least most of the room is out of the view of the rest of the club. Still, a bouncer sits right outside of the room watching most of the time, and the setup would be terrible if 2 or more people were getting dances at the same time.

Club Setup (6/10) – This is a large club with a long bar, a decent stage, and plenty of tables. They have so much space that they should have been able to do something more interesting than just having dozens of small tables throughout the club, but it's so rare to find ample seating in Massachusetts that I can't complain about that too much.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – This place is full of stuffy old white guys. If there's one guy in a club with his Bluetooth earpiece blinking, I blame the guy; if there's more than one, as there was here, I blame the club. They do have several TVs, but they're all fairly small, and this would be a terrible place to watch a game anyway.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – You'll have to drive to get here, but there are a few cheap motels in the area where you can crash if you feel like going wild.

Overall – If you care about the quality of girls more than the atmosphere, this is a better option that the Cabaret Lounge down the street, but if you have any self-control at all, you're better off avoiding both of them.

TOTAL SCORE = 30.5

Cabaret Lounge (Peabody, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – The dances here are as bad as you'll ever get anywhere. I'd have given them a half a point because the dances are nude and the girl did bump into my knee at one point, but it was so bright that it was awkward to even look at the girl.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – The dancers here are the definition of mediocre. You won't find any monsters, but you won't find anyone great either. They're slightly better down the street at the Golden Banana, but a big part of the perceived difference is that Cabaret is so bright that you see a lot more of the flaws.

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – The dancer/customer ratio here was probably about as bad as I've seen. Unless a tour bus just stopped by, there's no excuse for having 3 girls on the floor when there are 30 guys in the club.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – There's some variety in body type, but you're probably better off going elsewhere if you aren't into tattooed white women.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – The girls here are fairly relaxed and don't mind spending a little time with customers even if the customers aren't dropping much cash on them. This is generally a good thing, but can be a little frustrating if you are among the 90% of guys in the club who aren't already talking to a girl.

Value (3.5/10) – You can get a 32 ounce pitcher of beer for $9, but a single bottle will run you a ridiculous $7. The dances are $20 and aren't worth any more than you'd be willing to tip at the stage, and the stage action is fairly weak. The only thing that they get any credit for is having no cover until 7, but it's $10 after that on weekends.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – A bouncer will be watching while you get your dance, and everyone at the stage and part of the bar can as well if they want to. Also, it's brighter in the dance area than it is outside on a sunny day.

Club Setup (6.5/10) – This isn't a huge club, but there's a decent stage, a large bar, and a fair amount of chairs. It's too bright throughout the club, but overall, the setup is pretty solid.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The atmosphere in here is fairly relaxed and makes you think that the drinks will be cheaper and the dances will be better than they actually are.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – You'll have to drive to get here, but at least it's within a half mile of DB's Golden Banana, so it won't be a completely wasted trip if you don't like anyone that you see. Also, there's a hotel across the street that advertises "Free Adult Movies," so you should be set if you find a girl who is willing to take her services off site.

Overall – The atmosphere makes this a better option than the Golden Banana, but unless you're desperate and trapped in Peabody, I wouldn't recommend either of them.

TOTAL SCORE = 32