Quality of Dances (10.5/20) – Two-way contact is allowed so long as you tip appropriately and the bed-style setup should be amazing, but the fact that there's absolutely no privacy makes it tough to relax and enjoy these dances too much. I was almost glad that the ladies don't provide much of a grind since I wasn't in the mood to show off for all of the other customers in the room.
The other big drawback of these dances is that you don't have any interaction with the girls beforehand, so you might end up with someone who you just have zero chemistry with. To get a dance, you go upstairs without the girl, then tell the dj who you want and he calls her up. She gets no say in who she dances for and you don't get to feel out how into it she'll be, except at the stage. One girl that I got a dance from came up the stairs and wandered around for a bit before realizing that I was the guy who had purchased her services. I couldn't fill her in either since I had no idea who she was - I'd just told the dj to hook me up with a good one. Once she realized that she'd be dancing for me, she said, "thank god it's you...I thought it was one of those black guys." I don't support that kind of racist attitude, but it sucks for the girls who get stuck dancing for guys that they're uncomfortable with and it sucks for the unwanted customers who just dropped $20 for a girl to go through the motions.
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – These ladies are really hot, and on any given night, may be the hottest in Pittsburgh. On other nights, Cheerleaders might edge them out, but I doubt that you'll ever be disappointed in the ladies in here.
Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – There are several girls on stage at a time, but they have insanely long stage sets, so you're out of luck for awhile if you don't like the girls that you see. Plus, I have no idea where the ladies go when they're off stage, but they certainly aren't working the crowd.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of the dancers are relatively thin white chicks. There were also a few thicker girls and one or two black dancers, but overall, the variety is adequate at best.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – These ladies were all very friendly, telling me some great stories about Penguins and Steelers players who are regulars. Let's just say that Maxime Talbot doesn't only get the superstar treatment while shopping for cars. I also enjoyed the one girl's response when I asked about the Pirates: "They probably come in, but no one in Pittsburgh would recognize them anyway." The reason that they lose points is that you only really interact with the dancers while you're getting a dance. A bouncer even escorts the girls while they walk from one stage to another, apparently to keep customers from talking to them.
Value (3/10) – You can't beat the beer value since you just pay $1 for the cup then drink for free. It's their ingenious but borderline illegal way around the fact that they don't have a liquor license. Unfortunately, nothing else is nearly as good of a deal. Dances are $20, but the girls let you know that you're welcome to tip if you enjoy them. The real killer, though, is that they have a $20 cover on top of the $5 mandatory valet, and they wouldn't budge on either fee even though they were closing in an hour and I parked my car myself. Greedy bastards.
Dance Setup (2/10) – The dances are given on bed-style benches kind of like what they have at Little Darlings in Las Vegas. Sadly, the "beds" at Club Erotica are right out in the open and the room is very bright, so the bouncer and everyone else on the second floor of the club can watch you. Whereas the "beds" at Little Darlings make for amazing dances, they just make for an awkward experience here since you're laying down in a room full of dudes.
Club Setup (3/10) – The main area of the club is on the first floor of the building, and it has somewhat of a warehouse feel. It's basically just a big rectangular room with four stages and not much else. They have one large kidney shaped stage, 2 smaller stages and 1 tiny stage in the corner. That means there's plenty of stage-side seating, but there better be since there's nowhere else to sit.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – I really wasn't feeling this place. They only played 80's music while I was there, but I hope/assume that it was some kind of theme night. Worse yet, the insanely long stage sets and the way that the bouncers escorts girls around just make this a poor place to hang out. It seems to be fairly popular, but mostly with the young jackass crowd.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – This place isn't far from downtown Pittsburgh and wouldn't be a bad cab ride to get to, plus it's right down the street from Silky's. You probably won't be staying right by Club Erotica, but it's still easy to get to, and they have plenty of parking. Even if it is valet only.
Overall – Club Erotica has some of the hottest dancers around, but, for me, that's just not enough to make up for lackluster lapdances, no dancer-customer interaction and plastic cup beers. If attractive dancers were my top priority, I'd much prefer Cheerleaders in Pittsburgh-proper. I would say that Club Erotica may be worth a look if you're already right down the street at Silky's, but even that can't be justified due to the $20 cover and mandatory valet. The bottom line is that, even though Club Erotica isn't a terrible club, I just don't see myself ever going back.
RAW SCORE = 40.5
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
La Vie en Proost (Amsterdam)
Quality of Dances (11/20) – If you assumed that these dances would be super aggressive so that La Vie en Proost could try to compete with the surrounding booth girls, you assumed wrong. The dancers straddle customers and encourage tit grabbing, but there's little to no grind. I did at least like that you get to choose between sticking with the standard topless dance or upgrading to a nude dance for twice the price. Overall though, these dances aren't actually that bad, but the fact that there's no grind combined with the knowledge that girls are banging in the booths five feet from the front door to the club makes them an underwhelming experience.
Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – There seems to be a much higher percentage of old girls and fake tits in this place than in the booths surrounding it. The girls still aren't bad, and one or two are actually very attractive, but it's strange to be in a city where adult entertainers prefer to be prostitutes but switch to stripping if they want to remain in the adult industry but can't compete. That's basically the opposite of every other city that I've ever been too.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – There are significantly more dancers than customers during the day, and even though it can get packed with guys later in the evening, there are still plenty of girls.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – All of the ladies that I saw at La Vie en Proost were white, though there was at least some variation in age, size, hair color and implant style. Whether you're a fan of silicone or saline, you're in luck.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – These ladies seem friendly enough, but they're really hard on the sale and will be more than willing to hustle you if you let them. For example, many of them won't tell you how much the dances cost, instead saying, "just give me what you think I'm worth." Of course, they'll be happy to let you know how much the dances cost if you think they're worth less than 10 Euros for topless dances or 20 Euros for nude dances.
Value (3/10) – The cover is a reasonable €5, but €6.50 beers and €10 (topless) or €20 (nude) dances mean that if you pay the cover, buy a drink, and get 2 nude dances, you'll have just blown more money in 6 minutes than you'd have spend to get blown for 15 minutes anywhere else in town. Assuming 3 minutes per dance, the the topless dances are the same price per minute as the surrounding fuck sessions, and they're a bargain compared to the nude dances. Even if you aren't into prostitutes, the result is that you feel like a sucker for paying these prices.
Dance Setup (0/10) – You get your dance on the stool that you're already sitting on at stage side. Unlike all the other clubs I've ever been too, the girls who are on stage rather than the girls circulating the club are the ones who are ready to give dances. They just slide off of the stage onto your lap. It's pretty much the least private dance imaginable. And it's even worse if you aren't lucky enough to get one of the stools.
Club Setup (2.5/10) – This is a small, narrow club with 2 bars with wide tops for the girls to dance on. Unfortunately, there isn't anywhere to sit other than the bar stools at the stages, so, at night, most of the customers have no choice but to stand.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The crowd here is mostly made up of the same douchebags who end up at the peep shows, but what else are you going to do if you want good clean (relative to the surroundings) personal interaction with a naked lady in this town. Still, this place isn't too seedy and is small enough that you can really make your own atmosphere if you're with a decent sized group of guys.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – This place is in the heart of the best part of the Red Light District, so if you're checking out the girls in the windows, you'll be nearby. It's a little hard to find if you don't know what you're looking for, but just head down the tiny alley (Trompettersteeg) by the Bulldog Coffeeshop near the Oude Kerk and you'll walk right into it. Just don't turn too soon at La Vie en Rose, because that's not the club. That's just a very shady group of booths right outside of the club, but I wouldn't recommend going in there at night unless you have a very tight grip on your wallet.
Overall – La Vie en Proost isn't a good strip club, but it's the only game in town, so it may be worth considering if you're in Amsterdam for a guys' weekend and aren't up for actually banging a prostitute. Just be careful with your cash because hustling ladies and a city full of weed and alcohol is a combination that can quickly lead to an empty wallet.
RAW SCORE = 40.5
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Pleasant Moments (Bridgeport, CT)
UPDATE: Pleasant Moments was closed for much of 2011, but it's now open again and is the same as ever.
Quality of Dances (17/20) – I hate to implicate a club in illegal activities, so I'll start this off by saying that not every girl offered extras (maybe they would have if I'd talked to them, but who can be sure?) and I didn't see any signs that the bartender or bouncer knew about or condoned what the girls were offering. Plus, they have a sign in the bathroom reminding customers that they'll be asked to leave if they're caught doing drugs, so you know the club is on the up and up. Having said that, several girls were shocked to find out that I actually wanted a dance since I guess not many customers at Pleasant Moments are looking for that. Still, they all gave a good effort and were happy to do as much or as little as I wanted them to. The one girl was even apologetic for her less than skilled dance moves, saying, "sorry, I don't not how to dance to this Spanish music - I usually just suck dick to it." I had to knock them down a few points because the high chairs can make the contact awkward (more on that below), but these are still great dances.
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – I've seen a few really hot girls and a lot of not so hot girls, but just about everyone in this place looks a little worn out. Still, I've always managed to find at least one girl worth getting a dance from on any given night, and if you're into thick girls, you should find a lot more than that.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – Pleasant Moments isn't a large club, but there usually aren't more than about 2 customers for every dancer except on weekend nights, so you won't have any problem getting one for a dance. Unfortunately, the number of dancers is usually in the single digits, and the number of hot dancers is usually in the low single digits, so you might have a hard time finding one you like. Or, worse yet, you may have to wait for a girl that you like to finish up a dance with another customer, and considering what goes on during many of the "dances," that can be fairly disconcerting.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – They have thick, thin, black, and Latina dancers, but you're pretty much out of luck if you're into white ladies. There is one who's there most of the time, but I just can't bring myself to get a dance from someone who I know has spent too much time in this place.
Attitude of Dancers (5.5/10) – A few of the ladies are a little strung out (I guess they missed the "no drugs allowed" sign), but they're actually very friendly for the most part. The combination of friendly girls and the aggressive dances means that I've never had an easier time turning girls down. If you just say, "sorry, I just had one," almost all of the ladies will say something along the lines of, "ooohhhh, maybe in a half hour or so, then?" The closest that I got to a bad attitude was one girl who pissily asked me, "what am i supposed to do with these tissues if we're not fucking?" My question is, what were you going to do with those tissues if we were fucking? Personally, I'd prefer a condom. Also, unsurprisingly, this place has had some issues with the Bridgeport Police Department, so if you're white and are dressed in business apparel, you better be seen drinking alcohol the second you walk in, or the girls will disappear. I don't usually drink water in clubs, but I made an exception here because I figured the bottles would be the cleanest things the place. Only one girl approached me until I switched to beer, then it was open season.
Value (6.5/10) – The cover charge is $5, Coronas are $5.50 (that's all anyone drinks) and the stage value is off the charts if you're the kind of guy who likes to grope a girl out in the open. The real value though comes from the lapdances, which are about the most contact you'll ever get for $20. And if you're looking for a "dance" rather than a dance, that's a disturbingly cheap $60 from most of the ladies.
Dance Setup (7/10) – Dances are given in individual tiny rooms with doors that close and lock. The only real downsides are the sticky floors and the uncomforable stools that you know people fuck on. They're just too high off the floor for a proper lapdance, though I imagine that they're not coincidentally the perfect height for using to bend someone over.
Club Setup (0/10) – This place is a shithole. There's a large bar with a decent view of the shitty eye-level stage, then there's a raised area off to the side where there are a few stage-side seats and 2 pool tables. I enjoyed that they have ice in the urinals because few things are more fun that melting that while drunk, but if a ghetto way to save money on urinal cakes is the highlight of a club, that's a bad sign.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – If you feel a need to remind customers that drugs are not allowed, you know there are some shady characters around. I've surprisingly never felt that I was in danger while in Pleasant Moments, but that's primarily due to the fact that everyone is thoroughly patted down upon entering the club. Still, the shady atmosphere and the constant questions about whether I'm a cop add up to a poor atmosphere, but I doubt that even this club's biggest fans really enjoy hanging out here. You come here to cum here, and that's about it.
Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – I don't know my way around Bridgeport enough to say whether there are mass transit options, but you'd probably want to be able to get out of here at a moment's notice anyway, so you'll be driving to Pleasant Moments. It isn't in a great neighborhood, but at least you can park close enough to the club that you shouldn't really need to worry about your car.
Overall – I'm all about aggressive lap dances, but Pleasant Moments is just too dirty, literally and figuratively, to justify me stopping by. If you're interested in more than dances, that may change the equation for you, but you should definitely be careful with this place. Police busted the club in late 2010 and both dancers and customers were arrested, so I have to think it's only a matter of time until it's raided again or shut down permanently.
RAW SCORE = 45.5
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Feature Dancer: Little Lupe Fuentes
First of all, I hate feature dancers. More often than not, they're over-the-hill pornstars with terrible fake tits, they're magnets for large groups of meatheads, they either don't give lapdances or they give shitty lapdances for somewhere around $100, and you have to pay 2 to 4 times the usual cover just to get into the club. And I hate pornstars whose big selling point is that they look like little girls. Wearing your hair in pigtails does not make you look young; it just makes you look like a sad 20-something who isn't hot enough to get by in the world of porn without a gimmick. So when you combine my dislike of feature dancers with my distast for faux-teens, you'd think that spending a Saturday night at the Crazy Horse with Little Lupe Fuentes would be pretty far down my list of things to do. Well you'd normally be right, but Lupe has been the only part of the Howard Stern show that I've consistently enjoyed over the last year, so I decided to stop by just to hear that voice come out of a real person.
I was in the area all day, but my time was limited, so I stopped by the club in the early evening to find out what time the shows would be starting. I was told that the three shows would start at 9:30, 11:30 and 1:30. I showed up around 11:15 for the second show, but after paying the ridiculous $20 cover, was told that Lupe had just gotten off stage and wouldn't be dancing again until 1 am. I don't know whether the schedule change was the club's fault or Lupe's fault, but I wasn't too pleased about having to decide between wasting $20 and wasting 2 hours of my time. In the end, I decided that since I'd already spent the money, I'd just stick it out and kill some time with the regular dancers. According to them, the club had been dead all night because the $20 cover was keeping out everyone other than a few Howard Stern fans and a few borderline pedophiles. Basically, these weren't your usual go to a strip club and buy a dance kind of guys. I did my best to make up for it to the point where, by 1 o'clock, I was probably 10 times further in the hole than I would have been if I'd been willing to waste the initial $20 and walk out as soon as I walked in. Oh well. It wasn't the first and I'm sure it won't be the last time I make that mistake.
Anyway, right at 1 am, the DJ announced for all 2 dozen or so patrons to head over to the Lounge half of the club for the Little Lupe performance. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Crazy Horse, the main area is just topless, but the Crazy Horse Lounge is fully nude. Lupe came out wearing a bikini and a feather boa and did a 30 second tease before losing the top, but there really wasn't much of a performance to it. She basically just walked and crawled around the stage for the first song, then she did one spin around the pole and took off her bottoms during the second song. She stayed on stage for a song or two after that, but didn't really do much of anything other than hold pictures of herself in her mouth and give them to the customers who gave the biggest tips. Sadly, I was one of them, with my 4 singles on the stage. Then she did the same thing with a DVD. Again, I was the high bidder with $3 out there. I'm not sure if the lack of tips contributed to her attitude, or if her attitude contributed to the lack of tips, but she did not look happy to be up on stage. She rarely looked at the crowd, never smiled, and just generally seemed to be going through the motions. Of course, maybe she was nervous or has no dance skills, or maybe I was projecting my discomfort due to the fact that she looks like she's about 14, but the whole scene was fairly sad.
After the show, Lupe hung out for a while and signed pictures and DVDs. I think she was charging for that, but I didn't really want a signed porn star picture (I'd already given my free picture and DVD away to one of the cheap creepers who wasn't willing to throw a few bills on the stage), so I passed on that opportunity. I did at least get a chance to say hello to her, and she was all smiles and seemed more like the fun loving girl from the Stern show than the distant ice queen from the stage. I wouldn't have paid the usual $100 feature dancer lap dance price anyway, but it was kind of a bummer that she didn't offer them, because it made it all the more clear that she didn't want to interact with her fans. Of course, since half of her fans look like they probably spend most of their time trying to hand out free candy to schoolchildren, it's hard to blame her too much for not wanting to interact with them.
Overall, the performance was somewhat of a disappointment, but it was probably worth the $20 and a few singles to put a face to the sound drops that I hear every morning on the radio. If you aren't a Stern fan though, I don't think there's any reason to bother going to see Little Lupe in person. I don't mean that as an insult to Lupe, because, like every other pornstar out there, she'd have had to really go above and beyond to make it worth going to see a feature dancer. It's just that, like 99% of the pornstars out there, Lupe didn't.
I was in the area all day, but my time was limited, so I stopped by the club in the early evening to find out what time the shows would be starting. I was told that the three shows would start at 9:30, 11:30 and 1:30. I showed up around 11:15 for the second show, but after paying the ridiculous $20 cover, was told that Lupe had just gotten off stage and wouldn't be dancing again until 1 am. I don't know whether the schedule change was the club's fault or Lupe's fault, but I wasn't too pleased about having to decide between wasting $20 and wasting 2 hours of my time. In the end, I decided that since I'd already spent the money, I'd just stick it out and kill some time with the regular dancers. According to them, the club had been dead all night because the $20 cover was keeping out everyone other than a few Howard Stern fans and a few borderline pedophiles. Basically, these weren't your usual go to a strip club and buy a dance kind of guys. I did my best to make up for it to the point where, by 1 o'clock, I was probably 10 times further in the hole than I would have been if I'd been willing to waste the initial $20 and walk out as soon as I walked in. Oh well. It wasn't the first and I'm sure it won't be the last time I make that mistake.
Anyway, right at 1 am, the DJ announced for all 2 dozen or so patrons to head over to the Lounge half of the club for the Little Lupe performance. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Crazy Horse, the main area is just topless, but the Crazy Horse Lounge is fully nude. Lupe came out wearing a bikini and a feather boa and did a 30 second tease before losing the top, but there really wasn't much of a performance to it. She basically just walked and crawled around the stage for the first song, then she did one spin around the pole and took off her bottoms during the second song. She stayed on stage for a song or two after that, but didn't really do much of anything other than hold pictures of herself in her mouth and give them to the customers who gave the biggest tips. Sadly, I was one of them, with my 4 singles on the stage. Then she did the same thing with a DVD. Again, I was the high bidder with $3 out there. I'm not sure if the lack of tips contributed to her attitude, or if her attitude contributed to the lack of tips, but she did not look happy to be up on stage. She rarely looked at the crowd, never smiled, and just generally seemed to be going through the motions. Of course, maybe she was nervous or has no dance skills, or maybe I was projecting my discomfort due to the fact that she looks like she's about 14, but the whole scene was fairly sad.
After the show, Lupe hung out for a while and signed pictures and DVDs. I think she was charging for that, but I didn't really want a signed porn star picture (I'd already given my free picture and DVD away to one of the cheap creepers who wasn't willing to throw a few bills on the stage), so I passed on that opportunity. I did at least get a chance to say hello to her, and she was all smiles and seemed more like the fun loving girl from the Stern show than the distant ice queen from the stage. I wouldn't have paid the usual $100 feature dancer lap dance price anyway, but it was kind of a bummer that she didn't offer them, because it made it all the more clear that she didn't want to interact with her fans. Of course, since half of her fans look like they probably spend most of their time trying to hand out free candy to schoolchildren, it's hard to blame her too much for not wanting to interact with them.
Overall, the performance was somewhat of a disappointment, but it was probably worth the $20 and a few singles to put a face to the sound drops that I hear every morning on the radio. If you aren't a Stern fan though, I don't think there's any reason to bother going to see Little Lupe in person. I don't mean that as an insult to Lupe, because, like every other pornstar out there, she'd have had to really go above and beyond to make it worth going to see a feature dancer. It's just that, like 99% of the pornstars out there, Lupe didn't.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Studio Octopussy (Montreal, QC)
When the strip clubs and bars shut down at 3am in Montreal, you'll be looking for something else to do before calling it a night, and you'll have a few options.
Some nights, all that you'll want is a big plate of poutine to soak up some of the ridiculous amount of beer that you've ingested. If you don't mind taking a cab, I highly recommend La Banquise. It's open all night and it's god's gift to drunks.
Other nights, you'll consider heading over to the Circus after hours club, but it will be more awkward than fun unless you're much higher than I've ever been.
But eventually, you'll be looking for some more adult entertainment, and since the strip clubs are all closed, you'll have to go to one of the two most elegantly named establishments around - Pussy Corps and Studio Octopussy. I'll save you the suspense and just tell you right now, Pussy Corps isn't even worth considering, so it really comes down to Octopussy or nothing. It's a massage parlor, and since I'm not a massage parlor expert, I'll just tell you what you'll find here and leave it up to you to decide whether or not it's worth your time and money.
When you go through the doorway, you walk up the flight of stairs to a desk where you wait to be greeted by a hostess. The hostess then takes you to a group of couches where you wait for a lineup of girls to be presented to you, one at a time. On a bad night, there might be two or three girls in the lineup, but on a good night there can be upwards of a dozen to chose from. Remembering 10 names and faces (or bodies) is tough for me when I'm sober, but when I'm falling down drunk at 3:30am in Montreal, it's impossible. The key is to remember the first girl's name, then when the second girl come out, immediately decide if she's better or worse than the first girl. If she's better, remember her name and forget about the first girl; if she's worse, don't even bother listening to her name. Then just repeat until the last girl come out and the only name that you remember will be the one that you want.
Unlike at the stereotypical massage parlors in the U.S., most of the girls here are white. There's some variation of body types, but the biggest choice usually comes down to blonde or brunette and implants or real tits. I've never had a problem finding a few girls who look good (enough), but I should point out that my standards aren't all that discriminating by the time I make it to this place. I have a feeling that they may not look as good while sober, but I've never felt the need to test that theory and I doubt that you will either, so it's irrelevant. If you don't like any of the girls who are initially presented, you can pass on all of them and wait for more to become available, but I always prefer to chose one on the first pass so that I'm not as directly forced to think about the fact that some other dude probably just made a bundt cake of the hand that's about to rub my back.
Anyway, once you pick your girl, you'll be taken to a room where you have to pre-pay $55 to the house, after which the girl gives you several options for what type of massage you want. A small tip will get you a regular massage from a fully clothed lady. For $60, the girl will get naked and give you a massage, then oil herself up and rub herself over your back. As far as I know, happy endings are always offered but nothing more is available. I've never asked, so maybe there's more on the menu, but since the girls offer handies without being prompted, I assume that they'd put it out there if they were willing to do more.
Like I said before, I'm not a massage parlor veteran, so it's hard for me to judge the service. Still, it seems adequate to me as long as you're expecting more of a soft touch body rub than a genuine massage. The price also seems fairly reasonable, since a half hour of nude slip and slide comes out to $115 after tip, which breaks down cheaper per minute than the average lap dance. My only caveat regarding the value is that, on more than one occasion, I've laid down on the table, promptly fallen asleep and woken up to find that my wallet is nearly empty. Maybe I spent my money earlier in the evening or maybe the masseuses robbed me, but staying awake is probably a good idea just to be safe. Either way, you'll be happy to know that your bank statement will show a much more legitimate sounding name than "Studio Octopussy" in case you find yourself needing to use their ATM.
The bottom line is that Studio Octopussy isn't for everybody, but if a massage parlor sounds like a good time to you, you'll probably enjoy your visit. And on the bright side, even if you're underwhelmed as you walk out at 4am, Circus will still be going strong until dawn and La Banquise never closes. How can you not love this city?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
George's (Bridgeport, CT)
Quality of Dances (0/20) – If you're going to risk your life to visit a dangerous club in the middle of the ghetto on Iranistan Avenue, that club better have some amazing lapdances. Not only does George's not have amazing lapdances - they have no lapdances. Based on that alone, you should never go here. I'll keep writing in case you're curious, but there's really no point to the rest of this. Don't go to George's!
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – The only girl that I saw here on my lone visit could have been a model in the Latina version of a Lane Bryant catalogue. She had a hot face and would be absolutely blazing if she lost 60 pounds, but as is, she won't really do it for most guys. I like a little something to grab onto during a lap dance, but again, there are no dances, so it's all about the looks here. And 60 extra pounds don't look good.
Number of Dancers (1/10) – The lady who was working when I visited George's only spent a very small fraction of the time dancing. For the most part, she just sat and chatted with a single customer. In fairness to the club, there's no way in hell that I was going to this place at night, so I was there during the day shift, but one girl is not acceptable if a club is open for business.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0/5) – With only one girl working, obviously there was no diversity, and something tells me that all of the dancers would have been Latina or black and fairly large anyway. That "something" is experience with Bridgeport clubs. You're just not going to find many girl next door types in the Bridgeport dive clubs unless you live next door to a weight loss clinic in the ghetto.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – This isn't a terribly useful rating since it's only based on one girl, but like I said above, you shouldn't even be reading this far. In case you are, the girl that was working was reasonably friendly and very apologetic/confused about the lack of dances.
Value (6/10) – There's no cover, so the 2 drink minimum with $4.50 beers is reasonable. If you're lucky enough to see a girl on stage, the action is adequate, but I wouldn't count on getting to witness that unless you're willing to hang out for a while.
Dance Setup (0/10) – No dances equals no dance setup.
Club Setup (1/10) – George's has 2 pool tables, paint peeling off the walls, a cigarette machine (who knew they even still make those?), a large bar that takes up most of the club and a shitty narrow stage along the right side wall. Basically, this place is a dump. And if the main room isn't bad enough for you, the terrible bathroom has a urinal located exactly where a civilized person would stand to wash their hands. Luckily, I doubt that George's gets many of those types stopping by.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – They have a sign on the wall that reads, "What you see, what you hear, when you leave, leave it here," which is really just a slightly more elegantly worded version of "Stop Snitchin'". So that should tell you all that you really need to know about the atmosphere. You'll never really feel safe in here, and based on the cameras pointing outward, your car won't be either. The one positive is that they have good mariache music playing most of the time (seriously, this wasn't the Reggaeton that you hear in clubs; it was the Mariachi music that you hear in a good mexican restaurant), but when the girl came out on stage, it inexplicably changed to the Bee Gee's.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – There's parking across the street, but this is a bad neighborhood that I would advise you to stay away from.
Overall – George's is not worth a visit under any circumstances. Risking your life for a good club is questionable, but risking it for this dump is just begging to become a Darwin Award winner.
TOTAL SCORE = 16.5
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – The only girl that I saw here on my lone visit could have been a model in the Latina version of a Lane Bryant catalogue. She had a hot face and would be absolutely blazing if she lost 60 pounds, but as is, she won't really do it for most guys. I like a little something to grab onto during a lap dance, but again, there are no dances, so it's all about the looks here. And 60 extra pounds don't look good.
Number of Dancers (1/10) – The lady who was working when I visited George's only spent a very small fraction of the time dancing. For the most part, she just sat and chatted with a single customer. In fairness to the club, there's no way in hell that I was going to this place at night, so I was there during the day shift, but one girl is not acceptable if a club is open for business.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0/5) – With only one girl working, obviously there was no diversity, and something tells me that all of the dancers would have been Latina or black and fairly large anyway. That "something" is experience with Bridgeport clubs. You're just not going to find many girl next door types in the Bridgeport dive clubs unless you live next door to a weight loss clinic in the ghetto.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – This isn't a terribly useful rating since it's only based on one girl, but like I said above, you shouldn't even be reading this far. In case you are, the girl that was working was reasonably friendly and very apologetic/confused about the lack of dances.
Value (6/10) – There's no cover, so the 2 drink minimum with $4.50 beers is reasonable. If you're lucky enough to see a girl on stage, the action is adequate, but I wouldn't count on getting to witness that unless you're willing to hang out for a while.
Dance Setup (0/10) – No dances equals no dance setup.
Club Setup (1/10) – George's has 2 pool tables, paint peeling off the walls, a cigarette machine (who knew they even still make those?), a large bar that takes up most of the club and a shitty narrow stage along the right side wall. Basically, this place is a dump. And if the main room isn't bad enough for you, the terrible bathroom has a urinal located exactly where a civilized person would stand to wash their hands. Luckily, I doubt that George's gets many of those types stopping by.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – They have a sign on the wall that reads, "What you see, what you hear, when you leave, leave it here," which is really just a slightly more elegantly worded version of "Stop Snitchin'". So that should tell you all that you really need to know about the atmosphere. You'll never really feel safe in here, and based on the cameras pointing outward, your car won't be either. The one positive is that they have good mariache music playing most of the time (seriously, this wasn't the Reggaeton that you hear in clubs; it was the Mariachi music that you hear in a good mexican restaurant), but when the girl came out on stage, it inexplicably changed to the Bee Gee's.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – There's parking across the street, but this is a bad neighborhood that I would advise you to stay away from.
Overall – George's is not worth a visit under any circumstances. Risking your life for a good club is questionable, but risking it for this dump is just begging to become a Darwin Award winner.
TOTAL SCORE = 16.5
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Cheerleaders (Pittsburgh, PA)
Quality of Dances (12/20) – I’ve found a ton of variation from one girl to the next, but for the most part, these are very solid dances. Tit grabbing was not only tolerated, but was actually encouraged, and more than one girl used her leg and mouth skillfully over the pants. The dances are topless, but many of the girls adjust the bottoms to give you a full view. Some of the other girls give dances that are satisfactory at best, but you should be able to have a decent time if you chose wisely.
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – These ladies are Pittsburgh’s finest, which, surprisingly, is relatively fine. I expected a little more quality control from a place that takes itself as seriously as this place does, but most of the girls were 7’s or 8’s, and the few girls who I’d rate below that were the affirmative action hires, which I’m ok with in a largely white city.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – Cheerleaders’ popularity is their downfall in this category. They have 3 girls on stage at a time during the evening, and they’ve got several more ladies patrolling the crowd, but it can be nearly impossible to get a girl’s attention for a dance due to the large number of customers during prime club hours.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – As far as I can tell, there aren’t a whole lot of Asians or Latinas in Pittsburgh, and the selection at Cheerleaders reflects that. Still, I was happy to see a fair number of black dancers and some size variation in addition to the expected white blonds.
Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – I met a few very friendly dancers at Cheerleader’s, but way too many of them are picky about what customer’s they’ll talk to. I understand that, from their point of view, the club is so packed that even if they piss off 50 guys, 50 other guys will still be willing to drop cash on them. Still, it sucks if a girl you’ve been waiting for passes you by because she assumes that the guy wearing a suit has more money than you. I guess that happens everywhere to some extent, but it was particularly blatant at Cheerleaders. Or maybe I just noticed it more because, on this occasion, I wasn’t the guy in the suit.
Value (1/10) – If you’re going to have a mandatory non-complimentary valet service, you shouldn’t have a cover change. It isn’t so much that it’s expensive, though that plus a beer usually adds up to $20 (it was $25 the night I was there because a fight was on TV), but it really just feels like a scam. As does the requirement to get bottle service or pay a $2 upcharge on beers to sit at one of the tables. The dances are an ok value at $25 and the topless stage action doesn’t cost much due to the distance between the bar and the stages, but I’m knocking them down on this because you’ll walk of here feeling like you got scammed.
Dance Setup (4.5/10) – Dances are given in a separate room from the main area of the club on several individual small benches. The benches are angled so that you’re facing, at most, one or two other benches, and the benches have high backs, so no one will be able to peak over your shoulder. So, overall, it’s fairly solid if the club isn’t too crowded and the girls properly distribute customers. Unfortunately, when the club is crowded, and it usually is, at least one other customer/dancer pair will see what you’re up to.
Club Setup (6/10) – This is a nice club overall with a set of stairs coming down to a center stage and two satellite stages off to the sides. Each of the satellite stages is several feet away from a large bar area, so you get to toss balled up 1’s at the girls and don’t need to tip a whole lot, but interaction with the girls at the stages is non-existent. My biggest complaint, though, is that there aren’t really any tables unless you sit in the bottle service area around the perimeter of the club, but I refuse to do that on principle. On the plus side, they have the often overlooked but always appreciated beer shelves at the urinals. Those things really should be standard at any decent club.
Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – This place is a little on the upscale side, but the vibe is still relatively relaxed and the crowd is good. I probably wouldn’t come here with a large group due to the lack of tables (fuck bottle service), but it’s a solid place to hang and down a beer or two with a few buddies. Be forewarned though, they sell cigars and allow smoking inside, so you may want to take that into consideration if you have to explain your stench to anyone.
Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – Cheerleaders isn’t really within walking distance of most of the places that you’d want to be in Pittsburgh, but it’s not far from anything and is relatively close to the original Primanti Brothers location. I recommend going there after the club though, because you probably won’t feel like having a girl grind on your lap for a while after pastrami, cole slaw and french-fry deliciousness.
TOTAL SCORE = 52
Monday, April 11, 2011
Delilah's (Philadelphia, PA)
Quality of Dances (5.5/20) – The girls mostly give some moderate friction, but having my hands moved immediately from the outsides of a girl's legs is a huge buzzkill, especially when the girls already give off a stuck up vibe. If I can't touch your legs for $20, you won't be getting a second $20.
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – If you're into white girls, you'll have a hard time complaining at the quality of dancers at Delilah's. Basically, other than the hints of Amish inbreeding, it's as close to Spearmint Rhino quality as you'll find on the east coast.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – They've got a ton of dancers, but they lose a few points because there are often so many guys in here that it can be a challenge to get a dance. I've only made one day-shift visit and it was dead in terms of customers and dancers, but the ratio was much more acceptable then.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – Thin, white and mostly blonde works for a lot of guys, and that's a good thing, because that what Delilah's has.
Attitude of dancers (1/10) – One girl walked up to my table and asked if I wanted a dance. I started to say something like, "maybe in a bit, but I want to get a drink first, so check back in a while," but
the girl stormed off about half way through "maybe". Some of the other ones aren't quite as bad, but it's rare to find a girl in Delilah's who isn't full of herself.
Value (4/10) – For an upscale club that takes itself way too seriously, the prices are surprisingly reasonable, with $20 dances and$6 beers. They do have a fairly steep cover (something like $15 on
weekends), but it's waived if you have a ticket to a sporting event or a hotel room key. That's kind of shitty for locals and is the reason that I never visited while living in the area, but it seems to be
standard at the more upscale Philly clubs. There isn't any interaction between customers and dancers at the stage, but the view is great so you can ration your money if you want to just be a spectator.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Thankfully, dances are not given on the main floor because that place can get packed. They're in a separate room that's behind a curtain and is filled with couches. It's not at all
private, but at least the couches are reasonably comfortable.
Club Setup (4/10) – There's a long stage down middle of the club with stairs that come down to it from the Delilahs Club Level. You have to be a member to go up there, (I have no idea what it takes to become a member, but I wasn't interested), but it's sweet how they have girls gyrating around on the stairs while other girls are on the stage. The seating isn't nearly as nice as the stage though. There are a bunch of small tables and a few booths in raised areas along sides of club, but those are mostly reserved for bottle service, so it can be tough to find a seat on nights of big sporting events. Overall, it comes very close to having a solid setup, but you should never have to circle a club 4 times to find a seat that you're immediately tossed from because you're only drinking beer. I like beer, so they can go fuck themselves.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place is very upscale, so depending on your tastes,you might think it's either classy or stuffy. Thanks to the sights, it would be an awesome place to chill and have a few beers after a game, but the atmosphere isn't conducive to that at all. Still, it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a curious girlfriend to a place like this if you want to fool her into thinking that nothing inappropriate goes on at strip clubs.
Club Accessibility (4/5) – Delilah's is along the Delaware River near Penn's Landing right across the street from Dave & Busters. It's walkable from the Center City/South Street areas, but it will be a fairly long walk. If you're going to do it, I'd walk over to Columbus and then walk north to the club, because you'll be bordering on some shady areas if you walk north to Spring Garden and then east to the club.
Overall – This place might be good for a bachelor party with your soon to be father in law or a business meeting, and it might even be an okay place to do some sightseeing before the night really gets started, but the attitudes and stuffiness prevent it from ever being great for anything beyond that.
Total score = 40.5
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – If you're into white girls, you'll have a hard time complaining at the quality of dancers at Delilah's. Basically, other than the hints of Amish inbreeding, it's as close to Spearmint Rhino quality as you'll find on the east coast.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – They've got a ton of dancers, but they lose a few points because there are often so many guys in here that it can be a challenge to get a dance. I've only made one day-shift visit and it was dead in terms of customers and dancers, but the ratio was much more acceptable then.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – Thin, white and mostly blonde works for a lot of guys, and that's a good thing, because that what Delilah's has.
Attitude of dancers (1/10) – One girl walked up to my table and asked if I wanted a dance. I started to say something like, "maybe in a bit, but I want to get a drink first, so check back in a while," but
the girl stormed off about half way through "maybe". Some of the other ones aren't quite as bad, but it's rare to find a girl in Delilah's who isn't full of herself.
Value (4/10) – For an upscale club that takes itself way too seriously, the prices are surprisingly reasonable, with $20 dances and$6 beers. They do have a fairly steep cover (something like $15 on
weekends), but it's waived if you have a ticket to a sporting event or a hotel room key. That's kind of shitty for locals and is the reason that I never visited while living in the area, but it seems to be
standard at the more upscale Philly clubs. There isn't any interaction between customers and dancers at the stage, but the view is great so you can ration your money if you want to just be a spectator.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Thankfully, dances are not given on the main floor because that place can get packed. They're in a separate room that's behind a curtain and is filled with couches. It's not at all
private, but at least the couches are reasonably comfortable.
Club Setup (4/10) – There's a long stage down middle of the club with stairs that come down to it from the Delilahs Club Level. You have to be a member to go up there, (I have no idea what it takes to become a member, but I wasn't interested), but it's sweet how they have girls gyrating around on the stairs while other girls are on the stage. The seating isn't nearly as nice as the stage though. There are a bunch of small tables and a few booths in raised areas along sides of club, but those are mostly reserved for bottle service, so it can be tough to find a seat on nights of big sporting events. Overall, it comes very close to having a solid setup, but you should never have to circle a club 4 times to find a seat that you're immediately tossed from because you're only drinking beer. I like beer, so they can go fuck themselves.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place is very upscale, so depending on your tastes,you might think it's either classy or stuffy. Thanks to the sights, it would be an awesome place to chill and have a few beers after a game, but the atmosphere isn't conducive to that at all. Still, it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a curious girlfriend to a place like this if you want to fool her into thinking that nothing inappropriate goes on at strip clubs.
Club Accessibility (4/5) – Delilah's is along the Delaware River near Penn's Landing right across the street from Dave & Busters. It's walkable from the Center City/South Street areas, but it will be a fairly long walk. If you're going to do it, I'd walk over to Columbus and then walk north to the club, because you'll be bordering on some shady areas if you walk north to Spring Garden and then east to the club.
Overall – This place might be good for a bachelor party with your soon to be father in law or a business meeting, and it might even be an okay place to do some sightseeing before the night really gets started, but the attitudes and stuffiness prevent it from ever being great for anything beyond that.
Total score = 40.5
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Casa Diablo (Portland, OR)
Quality of Dances (9/20) – Not much you can describe here that you don’t already know if you are in Portland. “Full contact” means don’t touch the girls. That no one in this city understands the irony escapes me. I’ve heard rumblings of super-aggressive dances and extras available in this particular place. I figured the rumors were true as we got close, where my driver was laughing so hard at the backwoods way this place looks he almost jumped a curb. The less attractive dancers also seemed to strengthen this reputation, but if there's high mileage, it's reserved for regulars, because I got no hints of extras at all.
Quality of Dancers (3/10) – I was happy to say that this was not the only place I was visiting this particular evening, otherwise I would be really disappointed. Since there are so many clubs in Portland, I can’t pass judgment quite yet, but this was definitely the worst crop of girls in the city thus far. The shining star of the bunch was the bartender, who is topless at all times and is willing to play peek-a-boo with her vagina if you tip well.
Number of Dancers (2/10) – Six girls at 6pm on Saturday night is fine for an in-call bachelor party, but not acceptable here.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – I’ve seen less pasty white color at an Irish family reunion. Body type differences were minimal, but a token redhead adds half a point because no one can turn away a fire bush. Other than one chubster who spent half her set lying down and chatting up one patron with her back to another, the itty bitty titty committee was fully represented here.
Attitude of Dancers (0/10) – My host in Portland/driver/faithful sidekick and I tried sitting down at a table to be waited on. We failed. We went over to the bar to order and failed at that too. The bartender had at least ten dudes ogling her compared to the two at the stage, and we couldn’t get her attention. We then noticed a chess board sitting nearby and decided to conduct an experiment. How long would it take someone, anyone, to come over and demand that we buy drinks/food/dances or SOMETHING after seeing two idiots wasting time playing chess in a stripclub?
Thirty-three minutes later I was checkmated, and we ended the experiment.
We then proceeded back to a table by the stage and seriously wondered if I would be able to review this place. We tried again with the bartender and successfully ordered a drink and a mushroom burger, having heard that the food was a major draw here despite being vegan. After sitting back down by the stage, it only took 20 minutes for the vegan burger to be made and brought over. With a mouthful of food each, we got a casual hello from one dancer as she passed by, and that was the extent of the attention we were afforded.
Value (4/10) – No cover always boosts a score, but charging $40/dance is laugh out loud funny. You can get a dance from the bartender, but then who will tend the bar? I perused message boards that told me this place has the most contact of any dances in Portland, but behind the beaded curtain that cordons off the Devil’s Den, I saw only one-way contact. Perhaps I was there too early in the evening, but the dance area might as well handcuff the customer’s hands to the chair. At least the mushroom burger was really good.
Dance Setup (6/10) – There is a small room (the Devil’s Den) with a beaded curtain that may as well be a sheet of clear plastic wrap separating the main floor and dance area. Inside chairs that are physically very comfy and socially very not, as they place you either staring at your compadres or sitting right next to them.
Club Setup (1/10) – This used to be a vegan restaurant, and not much renovation took place since the switch over. There is a small “I” shaped stage in the middle, with a smaller circular stage near the sunken bar in the back and incredibly uncomfortable booths all along the outside of the club. To one side there is a perfect view through several large windows of all the construction going on outside. This is the only club I’ve seen to have so many windows, and I’ve been to plenty of places that made the conversion.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – Several message boards describe this place as if you were in the bar in “From Dusk ‘til Dawn.” It has low red lighting and has pictures of stripper devils on the walls, but otherwise I don’t see it. I had a bad feeling when we saw a party bus in the parking lot at 4:30pm, and a worse feeling when 12 guys with an average age of 55 exited the club and onto the bus. Two of the partiers left on their mountain bikes, but then that’s not unexpected in Portland.
Once we checked out the vibe a bit, there appeared to be two types of customers there (not including me). First, there was the Latino group that bought pitcher after pitcher of beer, and stared at the girls on stage from afar, never talking to each other or the dancers but entranced nonetheless. Second, there was the 40 year old virgin crew who did not appear to like alcohol, but kept buying it so that the topless bartender would pull her pants down and pet the kitty.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – In the northern part of NW Portland, so only a few miles north of downtown. Or, as it feels like when you pull up, in the middle of fucking nowhere. The side of the street with the club makes you feel like you’re in backwoods Appalachia and the other side has enough oil barrels, smokestacks, and warehouses to make you think you’re in an industrial section of New Jersey.
Overall – The mystique of a vegan strip club with super-aggressive dances will make you want to check this place out, but I was unimpressed. If you’re a vegan who loves checking out titties, but doesn’t like talking to women, this is a great place to hang out. Short of that, stick to closer to downtown, or basically anywhere else. In Portland, you’re not forced to settle for mediocrity, which is exactly what this club has to offer.
TOTAL SCORE = 32.5
Friday, April 1, 2011
Silk Stockings (Shippensburg, PA)
Quality of Dances (3/20) – You can't touch the dancers at all unless you pay for one of the massages upstairs. They provide some fairly weak friction during the dances, but I was actually glad that it wasn't very good because you're on full display and I didn't feel like showing off for the creepy old owner who was watching from across the room.
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – Everyone that I've seen in this place has been painfully mediocre, and one girl looked so young that I felt uncomfortable to the point that I had to leave the club when she walked out on stage. I don't have any reason to think that she was under 18, but I don't know what what kind of clientele they're trying to appeal to by hiring dancers who could even pass for younger than that.
Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Even though I've never seen many customers at Silk Stockings, it's unacceptable that they've only had 1-3 girls working each time I've stopped by. The worst part was that, during my last visit, there was only one girl working and she left to give a guy a half hour massage, so it left me sitting there with the owner and my soda wondering why I bothered visiting this shithole again.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – As far as I know, they've only got white ladies in this place, but they do get a half a point for some variation of body types.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – It's pretty much standard in central PA for girls to ask you to pay your dance fee and tip in advance, but that still doesn't make it acceptable. Club owners, pay your girls a cut of the dance price so that they can cut this shit out and actually try to earn a tip rather than ruining the mood by asking for it up front. I put that more on the owners than on the dancers, but I can blame the dancers for spending most of their time behind the counter by the door instead of circulating with paying customers. They're usually at least very friendly while on stage, but I've been less than impressed overall.
Value (1.5/10) – The $12 cover is ridiculous for this shitty little club, but it's waived if you buy a dance in advance. Dance prices are on the high side at $25 for 1 and $30 for 2, with customers being expected to match that for the tip. BYOB is the only real positive here, but I can't imagine spending enough time in this club to make it worth bringing much beer.
Dance Setup (0/10) – Dances are performed on a couch along the side wall facing the brightly lit club. You're on full display, so it would be hard to enjoy these dances too much even if the girls did do anything enjoyable.
Club Setup (1.5/10) – This place is in an old house, with the downstairs being used for the club and the upstairs being used for massages. I haven't been upstairs, but the club area has a needlessly large stage, a few shitty chairs and 2 taller tables in the back near the vending machine.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – Everything about this place depresses me. Maybe that's my own fault for not bringing beer, but I really can't see why anyone would stop here unless it's just to find a girl for a massage. Sadly, I've heard that even that is a waste of time and money.
Club Accessibility (1/5) – This whole area is pretty much the middle of nowhere, but Silk Stockings is right off of I-81 in Shippensburg. And when I say "right off," I mean you better not be from the area or you better not have a distinctive ride, because everyone traveling between Carlisle and Chambersburg will see your car in the gravel parking lot.
Overall – This is quite possibly the worst strip club in the United States. I'm pretty sure that the only people who would ever consider stopping here are truck drivers who are looking for a little human contact, but if that's your situation, you're better off stopping at one of the strip clubs in West Virginia or one of the Asian massage parlors in Chambersburg. Even if you don't have the patience to go somewhere else, you're better off walking across the parking lot to the porn store and taking matters into your own hands instead of giving a dime to Silk Stockings.
TOTAL SCORE = 14.5
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – Everyone that I've seen in this place has been painfully mediocre, and one girl looked so young that I felt uncomfortable to the point that I had to leave the club when she walked out on stage. I don't have any reason to think that she was under 18, but I don't know what what kind of clientele they're trying to appeal to by hiring dancers who could even pass for younger than that.
Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Even though I've never seen many customers at Silk Stockings, it's unacceptable that they've only had 1-3 girls working each time I've stopped by. The worst part was that, during my last visit, there was only one girl working and she left to give a guy a half hour massage, so it left me sitting there with the owner and my soda wondering why I bothered visiting this shithole again.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – As far as I know, they've only got white ladies in this place, but they do get a half a point for some variation of body types.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – It's pretty much standard in central PA for girls to ask you to pay your dance fee and tip in advance, but that still doesn't make it acceptable. Club owners, pay your girls a cut of the dance price so that they can cut this shit out and actually try to earn a tip rather than ruining the mood by asking for it up front. I put that more on the owners than on the dancers, but I can blame the dancers for spending most of their time behind the counter by the door instead of circulating with paying customers. They're usually at least very friendly while on stage, but I've been less than impressed overall.
Value (1.5/10) – The $12 cover is ridiculous for this shitty little club, but it's waived if you buy a dance in advance. Dance prices are on the high side at $25 for 1 and $30 for 2, with customers being expected to match that for the tip. BYOB is the only real positive here, but I can't imagine spending enough time in this club to make it worth bringing much beer.
Dance Setup (0/10) – Dances are performed on a couch along the side wall facing the brightly lit club. You're on full display, so it would be hard to enjoy these dances too much even if the girls did do anything enjoyable.
Club Setup (1.5/10) – This place is in an old house, with the downstairs being used for the club and the upstairs being used for massages. I haven't been upstairs, but the club area has a needlessly large stage, a few shitty chairs and 2 taller tables in the back near the vending machine.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – Everything about this place depresses me. Maybe that's my own fault for not bringing beer, but I really can't see why anyone would stop here unless it's just to find a girl for a massage. Sadly, I've heard that even that is a waste of time and money.
Club Accessibility (1/5) – This whole area is pretty much the middle of nowhere, but Silk Stockings is right off of I-81 in Shippensburg. And when I say "right off," I mean you better not be from the area or you better not have a distinctive ride, because everyone traveling between Carlisle and Chambersburg will see your car in the gravel parking lot.
Overall – This is quite possibly the worst strip club in the United States. I'm pretty sure that the only people who would ever consider stopping here are truck drivers who are looking for a little human contact, but if that's your situation, you're better off stopping at one of the strip clubs in West Virginia or one of the Asian massage parlors in Chambersburg. Even if you don't have the patience to go somewhere else, you're better off walking across the parking lot to the porn store and taking matters into your own hands instead of giving a dime to Silk Stockings.
TOTAL SCORE = 14.5
Monday, March 21, 2011
Miss Lindsay's (Orrtanna, PA)
Quality of Dances (4/20) – I can deal with a "no touching" policy that really means that you have to limit your touching to the dancer's legs or hips, but a true no touching rule like they have at Miss Lindsay's is brutal. Though the dancers provide a little friction during the dances, it's tough to feel like an active participant when your hands have to stay firmly planted at your sides. I was told that touching shoulders and hips is allowed during the VIP dances, but since they're $100 after the suggested tip, I can only assume that was a joke.
Quality of dancers (3/10) – Two 7's who were working one of the nights that I stopped by pulled the average way up, because most of the girls here look fairly ragged. When I've stopped by and not seen those two girls, I've have had no choice but to just turn around and walk back out.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – Having a half dozen girls working in such a small club isn't too bad. Having all of the girls (except for the one on stage) standing outside smoking and chatting with each other isn't too good. It was nearly impossible for me or any of the other guys to get a girl for a dance, and everyone wanted one since we all got suckered into pre-buying a dance to get free admission.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (0.5/5) – I'll give them half a point for having some body type and age variation, but I've only seen boring white girls here, though that shouldn't be a shocker considering the location. This is getting to be a sizable Hispanic population nearby, so hopefully some Latinas start working here fairly soon.
Attitude of dancers (1/10) – These girls mostly just talk amongst themselves, they walk around the room between songs asking for tips, and they ask for tips before the lap dances. It's hard to blame them too much since the club doesn't give them a cut of the dance fee, but it's such a buzzkill from the customer's perspective.
Value (1/10) – They waive the $12 cover if you buy a dance ticket, but you should probably check out the dancers and make sure that there's someone worthy of your dance money before you agree to that option. I don't think that you can buy a single dance, but you can get 2 for $30, 3 for $40 or 4 for $50, though if you're going for that option, the 20 min VIP for the same price is probably a slightly less terrible deal. The real killer is that the girls will tell you that you're expected to match the prices for a tip. The only reason that I'm even giving them a point is that it's BYOB, but you'd have to bring a shitload of beer to make this place tolerable.
Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in small booths down a tiny hallway off of the main dance room. There's a small chair in there, and even though there are no doors on the booths, the second one would be reasonably private if it weren't for the camera that captures the lack of action.
Club Setup (-1/10) – Miss Lindsay's has the worst setup that I've ever seen, which shouldn't come as a real surprise considering that it's located in the back of a porn store. In the main room, there are rows of tiny chairs that are set up like the least comfortable movie theater of all time. There's one couch in the room, but they yell at customers for sitting there, because apparently it's reserved for dancers, even though I've never seen dancers sitting on it. Everything about this place is so bad that even the neon painting of a scantily clad woman riding a dolphin that's on the wall can't save it. And the fact the "bathroom" is a port-a-john in the parking lot is enough to earn this place the first negative score in the history of this site.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The atmosphere isn't good, but the relatively safe crowd and the unintentional comedy factor are enough to earn them a point.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – Miss Lindsay's is in the mountains about half way between Gettysburg and Chambersburg. Mr. Ed's is the only thing nearby that's worthwhile, but considering that it's a candy store with a talking elephant out front, there probably isn't a big overlap between these two establishments' clienteles.
Overall – This place is better than Silk Stockings in Shippensburg, but it's still one of the worst clubs that I've ever been to, and there's really no reason to ever go here. I'll admit that there aren't a whole lot of other choices in the area, but if you're desperate for a club, you're much better off driving the hour to West Virginia. Not that the West Virginia clubs are great, but they're a hell of a lot better than this shithole.
TOTAL SCORE = 16.5
Quality of dancers (3/10) – Two 7's who were working one of the nights that I stopped by pulled the average way up, because most of the girls here look fairly ragged. When I've stopped by and not seen those two girls, I've have had no choice but to just turn around and walk back out.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – Having a half dozen girls working in such a small club isn't too bad. Having all of the girls (except for the one on stage) standing outside smoking and chatting with each other isn't too good. It was nearly impossible for me or any of the other guys to get a girl for a dance, and everyone wanted one since we all got suckered into pre-buying a dance to get free admission.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (0.5/5) – I'll give them half a point for having some body type and age variation, but I've only seen boring white girls here, though that shouldn't be a shocker considering the location. This is getting to be a sizable Hispanic population nearby, so hopefully some Latinas start working here fairly soon.
Attitude of dancers (1/10) – These girls mostly just talk amongst themselves, they walk around the room between songs asking for tips, and they ask for tips before the lap dances. It's hard to blame them too much since the club doesn't give them a cut of the dance fee, but it's such a buzzkill from the customer's perspective.
Value (1/10) – They waive the $12 cover if you buy a dance ticket, but you should probably check out the dancers and make sure that there's someone worthy of your dance money before you agree to that option. I don't think that you can buy a single dance, but you can get 2 for $30, 3 for $40 or 4 for $50, though if you're going for that option, the 20 min VIP for the same price is probably a slightly less terrible deal. The real killer is that the girls will tell you that you're expected to match the prices for a tip. The only reason that I'm even giving them a point is that it's BYOB, but you'd have to bring a shitload of beer to make this place tolerable.
Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in small booths down a tiny hallway off of the main dance room. There's a small chair in there, and even though there are no doors on the booths, the second one would be reasonably private if it weren't for the camera that captures the lack of action.
Club Setup (-1/10) – Miss Lindsay's has the worst setup that I've ever seen, which shouldn't come as a real surprise considering that it's located in the back of a porn store. In the main room, there are rows of tiny chairs that are set up like the least comfortable movie theater of all time. There's one couch in the room, but they yell at customers for sitting there, because apparently it's reserved for dancers, even though I've never seen dancers sitting on it. Everything about this place is so bad that even the neon painting of a scantily clad woman riding a dolphin that's on the wall can't save it. And the fact the "bathroom" is a port-a-john in the parking lot is enough to earn this place the first negative score in the history of this site.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The atmosphere isn't good, but the relatively safe crowd and the unintentional comedy factor are enough to earn them a point.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – Miss Lindsay's is in the mountains about half way between Gettysburg and Chambersburg. Mr. Ed's is the only thing nearby that's worthwhile, but considering that it's a candy store with a talking elephant out front, there probably isn't a big overlap between these two establishments' clienteles.
Overall – This place is better than Silk Stockings in Shippensburg, but it's still one of the worst clubs that I've ever been to, and there's really no reason to ever go here. I'll admit that there aren't a whole lot of other choices in the area, but if you're desperate for a club, you're much better off driving the hour to West Virginia. Not that the West Virginia clubs are great, but they're a hell of a lot better than this shithole.
TOTAL SCORE = 16.5
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Fantasy's Island (Duncannon, PA)
Quality of Dances (7.5/20) – Even though the dances are probably the best thing about this place, they're still average at best. The girls create some friction with their legs and don't seem to have a problem with customers touching their legs and hips, but your hands better not find their way to the girl's upper body. If she doesn't enforce the policy (and she almost certainly will), the guy who's watching the closed circuit TV feed of your dance will.
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – Most of these girls have seen better days, and something tells me that they weren't even all that great in their primes. There's some overlap here, but in addition to the worn out girls, there are also lots of fat girls and bad tattoos. There's one lady who is significantly hotter than anyone else in the club, and she'd probably rate as a Duncannon 10. For those of you who aren't familiar with the area, that's the equivalent of about a 6 anywhere else in the free world.
Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – I've found the dancer-to-customer ratio to be acceptable during both of my visits. Still, less than half a dozen girls working on a Friday night and only one girl during my other visit (several years ago) is pretty poor.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – There are some black and some white dancers and a variety of body types and ages, but the variety is worth a lot less when there's only one hot girl in the building.
Attitude of dancers (0/10) – After giving a girl a $10 tip for 1 dance, I was told, "I won't say anything, but if that's all you're going to tip, most girls will cuss you out." Well I won't say anything, but if you act like that, most guys will call you a raging bitch.
Value (1.5/10) – There's a $15 cover and dances are $25, though 2 are $35, 3 are $45, and 4 are $55. The worst part is that, thanks to the fact that girls don't get a cut of the dance fee, customers are expected to match all of those prices. Massages are also offered and those start at $70. The stage action is fully nude, but it's still fairly weak, even for the rainmakers in the crowd. The only real plus is that its BYOB, so I highly recommend hitting a package store if you insist on coming to this place (Update: According to one of my readers, they now serve alcohol, so it may no longer by BYOB, but I sure as hell am not going to re-visit it to confirm that).
Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in a separate room on a couch, so it feels fairly private until you notice the camera pointing right at you and the very bright lighting which means that whoever is monitoring the camera feed won't have any problem seeing what you're up to.
Club Setup (1/10) – This club is located in what appears to be a former rec room on the first floor of a house. There's a small stage in the corner, several small tables and one couch in back. The only thing that makes the setup seem tolerable is that it's a lot better than it used to be. A few years ago, the club was located in party bus parked in the driveway of this same shitty house. At least in the present club you don't have to worry about being kidnapped during your lap dance.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – The smoke, the somewhat rough crowd and the pimpish looking guy making it rain all added up to about as bad an atmosphere as you can get. They get half a point based on the assumption that it wouldn't be quite as terrible if you bring beer. Lots and lots of beer.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – Like everything else in Duncannon, this place is in the middle of nowhere. Technically, you could get here from Harrisburg in a little under half an hour, but I really don't know why you'd want to.
Overall – Sadly, I think I preferred this place when it was a bus. Back then, it was shittily unique; now it's just shitty. If you need to hit a club in Duncannon, you're much better off across the street at Club Babylon. Better yet, drive the extra half hour to Wild J's in Port Trevorton. Of course, the best option of all is to save your cash for some time when you can go to a club that isn't in central Pennsylvania.
RAW SCORE = 20
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – Most of these girls have seen better days, and something tells me that they weren't even all that great in their primes. There's some overlap here, but in addition to the worn out girls, there are also lots of fat girls and bad tattoos. There's one lady who is significantly hotter than anyone else in the club, and she'd probably rate as a Duncannon 10. For those of you who aren't familiar with the area, that's the equivalent of about a 6 anywhere else in the free world.
Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – I've found the dancer-to-customer ratio to be acceptable during both of my visits. Still, less than half a dozen girls working on a Friday night and only one girl during my other visit (several years ago) is pretty poor.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – There are some black and some white dancers and a variety of body types and ages, but the variety is worth a lot less when there's only one hot girl in the building.
Attitude of dancers (0/10) – After giving a girl a $10 tip for 1 dance, I was told, "I won't say anything, but if that's all you're going to tip, most girls will cuss you out." Well I won't say anything, but if you act like that, most guys will call you a raging bitch.
Value (1.5/10) – There's a $15 cover and dances are $25, though 2 are $35, 3 are $45, and 4 are $55. The worst part is that, thanks to the fact that girls don't get a cut of the dance fee, customers are expected to match all of those prices. Massages are also offered and those start at $70. The stage action is fully nude, but it's still fairly weak, even for the rainmakers in the crowd. The only real plus is that its BYOB, so I highly recommend hitting a package store if you insist on coming to this place (Update: According to one of my readers, they now serve alcohol, so it may no longer by BYOB, but I sure as hell am not going to re-visit it to confirm that).
Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in a separate room on a couch, so it feels fairly private until you notice the camera pointing right at you and the very bright lighting which means that whoever is monitoring the camera feed won't have any problem seeing what you're up to.
Club Setup (1/10) – This club is located in what appears to be a former rec room on the first floor of a house. There's a small stage in the corner, several small tables and one couch in back. The only thing that makes the setup seem tolerable is that it's a lot better than it used to be. A few years ago, the club was located in party bus parked in the driveway of this same shitty house. At least in the present club you don't have to worry about being kidnapped during your lap dance.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – The smoke, the somewhat rough crowd and the pimpish looking guy making it rain all added up to about as bad an atmosphere as you can get. They get half a point based on the assumption that it wouldn't be quite as terrible if you bring beer. Lots and lots of beer.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – Like everything else in Duncannon, this place is in the middle of nowhere. Technically, you could get here from Harrisburg in a little under half an hour, but I really don't know why you'd want to.
Overall – Sadly, I think I preferred this place when it was a bus. Back then, it was shittily unique; now it's just shitty. If you need to hit a club in Duncannon, you're much better off across the street at Club Babylon. Better yet, drive the extra half hour to Wild J's in Port Trevorton. Of course, the best option of all is to save your cash for some time when you can go to a club that isn't in central Pennsylvania.
RAW SCORE = 20
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Club Rouge (Portland, OR)
Quality of Dances (9/20) – You can watch your erection rise and fall as you are told that lap dances are full contact (up), and “full contact” means “you can’t touch her” (down). There is significant grinding action from the ladies, but they’re very explicit about the no touching rule. If I had an erection, I just lost it. Even if there are a few girls here and there who will let you go above and beyond, a bouncer pops his head in every few minutes to make sure you’re not having too good a time.
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – There was only one girl in the entire club who I would not consider banging, as almost all dancers had fantastic athletic bodies and real bombs. As in any Portland establishment, you’ll need a high tolerance for ink and piercings, although I did spot perhaps the one stripper in the Portland area who had no tattoos at all.
Number of Dancers (8/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good being that there are four other clubs within walking distance of this place. The bouncer told me there are normally 25 or so, but I’d have to see it to believe it.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – On a Friday night there were 13 thin white brunettes, two blondes and one black girl who reminded me of Raynesha from Reno 911. I hope you like them thick.
Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – Even after a girl on stage took my $10 and said she had a customer waiting and then would come say hi to me, she never did and neither did anyone else. I had to work my Peter magic with a few different girls on stage to get anyone to stop over. Even at that, it was all business from the start. They get a few points for not hating life, but that’s all.
Value (5.5/10) – There’s a $5 cover, $5 beers (at most, and a nice selection), and $20 dances, making Club Rouge pretty standard for the Portland area. The VIP room is $150 for 30 minutes, and if your plan is to just go upstairs and get dances, it’s worth it. If you are looking for small talk in any way, shape or form, don’t bother. We did see some serious grinding on the stage, but most likely that is reserved for regulars as I tried like hell to join in and struck out miserably.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – There is a lightly curtained area in the corner of the club that is about 15 feet long and 7 feet wide with four comfortable wide chairs—that are right next to each other. To make things worse, somehow it’s more lit than any other part of the club and as previously stated, the bouncer peaks in more often than the tits shake, so it’s a real downer.
Club Setup (6/10) – The bar is very small and there is not much room to get by it to the main floor. Not a big deal except for weekend nights, when it’s a huge deal and very annoying. Once you get in though, there are two small circular stages in the middle (with a girl on each stage at all times), a comfortable booth along the entire perimeter of the club with tables and chairs opposite the booths, and chairs around the stage area.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Rouge tries hard to give the appearance of an upscale, Foxy Lady type club. The bouncers are in black suits with US Secret Service earpieces that they love talking into. You need to be at least semi put-together to get in here, including straightening out your backwards hat. I felt incredibly uncomfortable. There is no way to get a groove on when it looks like the CIA is watching your every move. Even more awkward, there is a corner of the room where several girls stand around looking alternately lost, bored, or in a time out. This is the under-21 cadre of Club Rouge dancers, and, by law, they can only move from the stage to the dance area to the DJ booth. Most clubs will serve alcohol and hire dancers 21 or older, or else sport the youngbloods and leave out the firewater. This is Club Rouge’s solution to having both alcohol and dancers under 21.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Rouge is in downtown Portland. You can take the MAX, you can take the bus, you can ride your bike. After you come out, you can get food or find another strip club in almost any direction. Or you can just stumble over to the Willamette river and puke over the railing while taking in the scenery. The possibilities are endless.
Overall – For anyone who is interested in the tease, here it is. The cover is almost nothing, but not quite. The dances are full contact, but not from you. The dance chairs are comfy, until the bouncer winks at you. The VIP room is private, unless someone looks up at the window to wave. If you need something to rile you up so you can go home and bang the shit out of the missus, this is the place for you.
TOTAL SCORE = 50
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – There was only one girl in the entire club who I would not consider banging, as almost all dancers had fantastic athletic bodies and real bombs. As in any Portland establishment, you’ll need a high tolerance for ink and piercings, although I did spot perhaps the one stripper in the Portland area who had no tattoos at all.
Number of Dancers (8/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good being that there are four other clubs within walking distance of this place. The bouncer told me there are normally 25 or so, but I’d have to see it to believe it.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – On a Friday night there were 13 thin white brunettes, two blondes and one black girl who reminded me of Raynesha from Reno 911. I hope you like them thick.
Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – Even after a girl on stage took my $10 and said she had a customer waiting and then would come say hi to me, she never did and neither did anyone else. I had to work my Peter magic with a few different girls on stage to get anyone to stop over. Even at that, it was all business from the start. They get a few points for not hating life, but that’s all.
Value (5.5/10) – There’s a $5 cover, $5 beers (at most, and a nice selection), and $20 dances, making Club Rouge pretty standard for the Portland area. The VIP room is $150 for 30 minutes, and if your plan is to just go upstairs and get dances, it’s worth it. If you are looking for small talk in any way, shape or form, don’t bother. We did see some serious grinding on the stage, but most likely that is reserved for regulars as I tried like hell to join in and struck out miserably.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – There is a lightly curtained area in the corner of the club that is about 15 feet long and 7 feet wide with four comfortable wide chairs—that are right next to each other. To make things worse, somehow it’s more lit than any other part of the club and as previously stated, the bouncer peaks in more often than the tits shake, so it’s a real downer.
Club Setup (6/10) – The bar is very small and there is not much room to get by it to the main floor. Not a big deal except for weekend nights, when it’s a huge deal and very annoying. Once you get in though, there are two small circular stages in the middle (with a girl on each stage at all times), a comfortable booth along the entire perimeter of the club with tables and chairs opposite the booths, and chairs around the stage area.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Rouge tries hard to give the appearance of an upscale, Foxy Lady type club. The bouncers are in black suits with US Secret Service earpieces that they love talking into. You need to be at least semi put-together to get in here, including straightening out your backwards hat. I felt incredibly uncomfortable. There is no way to get a groove on when it looks like the CIA is watching your every move. Even more awkward, there is a corner of the room where several girls stand around looking alternately lost, bored, or in a time out. This is the under-21 cadre of Club Rouge dancers, and, by law, they can only move from the stage to the dance area to the DJ booth. Most clubs will serve alcohol and hire dancers 21 or older, or else sport the youngbloods and leave out the firewater. This is Club Rouge’s solution to having both alcohol and dancers under 21.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Rouge is in downtown Portland. You can take the MAX, you can take the bus, you can ride your bike. After you come out, you can get food or find another strip club in almost any direction. Or you can just stumble over to the Willamette river and puke over the railing while taking in the scenery. The possibilities are endless.
Overall – For anyone who is interested in the tease, here it is. The cover is almost nothing, but not quite. The dances are full contact, but not from you. The dance chairs are comfy, until the bouncer winks at you. The VIP room is private, unless someone looks up at the window to wave. If you need something to rile you up so you can go home and bang the shit out of the missus, this is the place for you.
TOTAL SCORE = 50
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Bishop's Corner (Bridgeport, CT)
Quality of dances (17/20) – You should be pleased by the dances at Bishop's Corner as long as you're more brave than you are choosy. The dances that I've gotten here have been very enjoyable, with all the ladies really giving it their all. The ladies all seemed fine with me doing some tit groping, and I'm fairly certain that I'd have gotten away with some crotch grabbing too if I'd wanted to. My sense of decency was really the only limiting factor on the contact, and one girl was completely shocked that I just wanted a dance rather than a "dance." She didn't think I was serious at first, but once she realized that I was, here's the conversation that we had:
Dancer: "So you no want a blow job or anything?"
Me: "No thanks. I don't pay for sex."
Dancer: "Then why you come to Bishop's Corner?"
...And that pretty much sums up the type of place that this is.
Disclaimer: As far as I know, it was just the individual girls that I talked to who offer extras. I'm sure there are some girls here who don't, and I didn't see any signs that management condones those activities.
Quality of dancers (1/10) – Club 418 in Springfield used to advertise that they had the biggest girls in New England, but this place could have given them a run for their money. I'm not talking about girls who haven't shed their baby fat or girls who are pleasantly plump - most of these girls are just obese. During my second visit, there was one legitimately hot dancer working, but one hot dancer in two visits just doesn't cut it.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – There were a decent number of girls working when I stopped by on a Friday night, but there were almost too many guys to even fit in the place, so the ratio was terrible. On a Sunday afternoon, there were only 3 girls working, but that was plenty for the limited number of customers. And in my defense, I don't usually visit clubs on Sunday afternoon, but I had to make an exception for this place. I was too freaked out by the "someone's about to start shooting people" atmosphere on a Friday night to stay for a dance, but I wanted to complete this review and thought that Sunday afternoon would be the only time safe enough for me to risk it.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Every girl that I saw was either black or Latina (not that I mind that), and almost every one of them was oversized (yeah, I do mind that).
Attitude of dancers (4/10) – These girls can't get by on their looks, but thankfully, most of them seem to have fairly good personalities. It was too loud and crowded for anyone to have much extended interaction with the dancers on a Friday evening, but that's not the fault of the dancers. My only real complaint is that the girl that I mentioned above spent two entire songs trying to convince me to get a bj, and didn't seem too happy that I was shooting her down. Not that I'm such a stud that girls just beg to blow me (well that too), but I think she started to suspect that I might be a cop and figured her only hope of not getting arrested was to convince me to go through with it.
Value (5.5/10) – There's no cover, dances are $20, and beers are $4 each. Everything here is a decent value, but it doesn't have the bargain basement type prices that I would have expected from such a dump. I was quoted $80 for other services, but I didn't try to negotiate that and I'm sure it varies from girl to girl among those who do that stuff.
Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The dance area is in the back of the club off to the left hand side when you walk in. There's a moveable wooden privacy wall that encloses a single couch in the area, so you have more than enough privacy to do as much as you and the girl are willing to do. I wouldn't want to see the couch under a blacklight, but it actually is fairly comfortable if you can ignore the fact that some dude probably just had his bare ass on it.
Club Setup (1/10) – This is a small club with a long but very cramped bar and a tiny stage. If you spend a few hundred bucks to add a bar to your living room, you could probably create as good of a setup for a strip club as you'll find in this place.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – This is the first time that I've ever left a club before getting a dance out of fear for my car and my life. They do pat down customers, but it seems like something bad will happen here. Also, it was very smoky in here, which is less than ideal if you're a non-smoker and have to explain your smokiness to anyone. The atmosphere actually wasn't too bad on a Sunday afternoon, but the fact that I felt the need to go on a Sunday afternoon for safety reasons should tell you all that you need to know about this place.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – This club is in a run down residential neighborhood in east Bridgeport, and since there's no parking lot, you have to find parking on the side streets. While I was there, there where homeless people wandering around checking out the cars, but at least the club does have security cameras pointing outwards and shows the video in the club so you can try to keep an eye on your car.
Overall – Unless you're looking for a whorehouse, that's no reason to go to Bishop's Corner. Honestly, even if I was looking for a whorehouse, it just wouldn't be worth the risk to my safety to spend much time here. Strip clubs generally aren't the safest places in the world, but there are only a few clubs where I really get the feeling that it's only a matter of time until something really bad happens, and this is one of them. Stay safe out there.
RAW SCORE = 41
Number of Dancers (3/10) – There were a decent number of girls working when I stopped by on a Friday night, but there were almost too many guys to even fit in the place, so the ratio was terrible. On a Sunday afternoon, there were only 3 girls working, but that was plenty for the limited number of customers. And in my defense, I don't usually visit clubs on Sunday afternoon, but I had to make an exception for this place. I was too freaked out by the "someone's about to start shooting people" atmosphere on a Friday night to stay for a dance, but I wanted to complete this review and thought that Sunday afternoon would be the only time safe enough for me to risk it.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Every girl that I saw was either black or Latina (not that I mind that), and almost every one of them was oversized (yeah, I do mind that).
Attitude of dancers (4/10) – These girls can't get by on their looks, but thankfully, most of them seem to have fairly good personalities. It was too loud and crowded for anyone to have much extended interaction with the dancers on a Friday evening, but that's not the fault of the dancers. My only real complaint is that the girl that I mentioned above spent two entire songs trying to convince me to get a bj, and didn't seem too happy that I was shooting her down. Not that I'm such a stud that girls just beg to blow me (well that too), but I think she started to suspect that I might be a cop and figured her only hope of not getting arrested was to convince me to go through with it.
Value (5.5/10) – There's no cover, dances are $20, and beers are $4 each. Everything here is a decent value, but it doesn't have the bargain basement type prices that I would have expected from such a dump. I was quoted $80 for other services, but I didn't try to negotiate that and I'm sure it varies from girl to girl among those who do that stuff.
Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The dance area is in the back of the club off to the left hand side when you walk in. There's a moveable wooden privacy wall that encloses a single couch in the area, so you have more than enough privacy to do as much as you and the girl are willing to do. I wouldn't want to see the couch under a blacklight, but it actually is fairly comfortable if you can ignore the fact that some dude probably just had his bare ass on it.
Club Setup (1/10) – This is a small club with a long but very cramped bar and a tiny stage. If you spend a few hundred bucks to add a bar to your living room, you could probably create as good of a setup for a strip club as you'll find in this place.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – This is the first time that I've ever left a club before getting a dance out of fear for my car and my life. They do pat down customers, but it seems like something bad will happen here. Also, it was very smoky in here, which is less than ideal if you're a non-smoker and have to explain your smokiness to anyone. The atmosphere actually wasn't too bad on a Sunday afternoon, but the fact that I felt the need to go on a Sunday afternoon for safety reasons should tell you all that you need to know about this place.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – This club is in a run down residential neighborhood in east Bridgeport, and since there's no parking lot, you have to find parking on the side streets. While I was there, there where homeless people wandering around checking out the cars, but at least the club does have security cameras pointing outwards and shows the video in the club so you can try to keep an eye on your car.
Overall – Unless you're looking for a whorehouse, that's no reason to go to Bishop's Corner. Honestly, even if I was looking for a whorehouse, it just wouldn't be worth the risk to my safety to spend much time here. Strip clubs generally aren't the safest places in the world, but there are only a few clubs where I really get the feeling that it's only a matter of time until something really bad happens, and this is one of them. Stay safe out there.
RAW SCORE = 41
Monday, February 28, 2011
Elan's of Danbury (Danbury, CT)
Quality of Dances (7/20) – These are your run of the mill, mediocre lap dances. The girls don't mind if you touch their legs and most of them provide some moderate friction, but I've never walked away from a dance here thinking, "that was totally worth $25."
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – I don't get to Danbury often, so my sample size is fairly small, but most of the girls that I've seen here have been surprisingly hot and all of them have been at least decent. A lot of them are in their late 20s, so you might be disappointed if you're into the barely legal types, but I'll take a hot 29 year old over a busted 22 year old anyday.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – There were well over a dozen women working in the early evening, which worked out to about a 1-to-1 dancer-to-customer ratio. The ratio was lower when I visited later at night, but there were still plenty of attractive ladies to chose from.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – I've found a nice mix of races and nationalities at Elan's, with black girls, white girls, Asian girls, American girls and Russian girls in the mix. Most customers will probably appreciate that these girls are all fairly fit, but it might not be ideal for you if you're into thick chicks or are looking for something to grab onto during a lap dance. I guess that doesn't really matter too much though since two-way contact during the dances is too limited to allow for much grabbing anyway.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes at Elan's aren't terrible, but some of the ladies seem to be a little stuck up and they don't circulate as much as they should. Plus they lose another point because one dancer cut me off in the parking lot and gave me the finger. Ladies, be on your best behavior at all times, because you never know when you're in Peter's presence.
Value (3.5/10) – No individual aspect of this club is terribly overpriced, but everything is on the high side, with $25 dances, a $10 cover after 7, $4.50 beers and a fairly mediocre stage show.
Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in the same chairs that they have elsewhere in club and there's absolutely no privacy from other dancers/dancees or anyone else in the place. The one row of chairs along the right-side wall at least faces away from most of the club, but that's still pretty bad. Making matters even worse is the fact that this whole place is way too bright, so it's even easier than it would otherwise be for any voyeurs to watch.
Club Setup (6/10) – They have a large bar with a very low stage several feet away inside, another small stage and the main stage which they only use when they're busy. That's all fine, and they do have reasonably comfortable chairs throughout the club, but the tiny tables suck if you're here with a group. Thankfully, they at least have two or three slightly better tables in the back.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The crowd is usually pretty decent and this place just generally has a solid vibe. It's not at all threatening and is definitely somewhere that I'd consider hosting a bachelor party if any members of the bride-to-be's family were going to be in attendance.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Elan's of Danbury is, unsurprisingly, not far from Danbury, but it's not particularly close to anything else of note. I don't think there's any type of mass transit in the area, so you'll need to drive to get here, but at least they do have more than enough parking if you can manage to steer around the crazy angry strippers in the lot.
Overall – This place is better than I expected, but it's a little on the upscale side for my tastes. The atmosphere makes it perfect for business meetings or outings with the girlfriend, but the mediocre dances and the lack of privacy mean that degenerates like me would be better off saving the cash for a shadier club.
TOTAL SCORE = 47.5
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – I don't get to Danbury often, so my sample size is fairly small, but most of the girls that I've seen here have been surprisingly hot and all of them have been at least decent. A lot of them are in their late 20s, so you might be disappointed if you're into the barely legal types, but I'll take a hot 29 year old over a busted 22 year old anyday.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – There were well over a dozen women working in the early evening, which worked out to about a 1-to-1 dancer-to-customer ratio. The ratio was lower when I visited later at night, but there were still plenty of attractive ladies to chose from.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – I've found a nice mix of races and nationalities at Elan's, with black girls, white girls, Asian girls, American girls and Russian girls in the mix. Most customers will probably appreciate that these girls are all fairly fit, but it might not be ideal for you if you're into thick chicks or are looking for something to grab onto during a lap dance. I guess that doesn't really matter too much though since two-way contact during the dances is too limited to allow for much grabbing anyway.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes at Elan's aren't terrible, but some of the ladies seem to be a little stuck up and they don't circulate as much as they should. Plus they lose another point because one dancer cut me off in the parking lot and gave me the finger. Ladies, be on your best behavior at all times, because you never know when you're in Peter's presence.
Value (3.5/10) – No individual aspect of this club is terribly overpriced, but everything is on the high side, with $25 dances, a $10 cover after 7, $4.50 beers and a fairly mediocre stage show.
Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in the same chairs that they have elsewhere in club and there's absolutely no privacy from other dancers/dancees or anyone else in the place. The one row of chairs along the right-side wall at least faces away from most of the club, but that's still pretty bad. Making matters even worse is the fact that this whole place is way too bright, so it's even easier than it would otherwise be for any voyeurs to watch.
Club Setup (6/10) – They have a large bar with a very low stage several feet away inside, another small stage and the main stage which they only use when they're busy. That's all fine, and they do have reasonably comfortable chairs throughout the club, but the tiny tables suck if you're here with a group. Thankfully, they at least have two or three slightly better tables in the back.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The crowd is usually pretty decent and this place just generally has a solid vibe. It's not at all threatening and is definitely somewhere that I'd consider hosting a bachelor party if any members of the bride-to-be's family were going to be in attendance.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Elan's of Danbury is, unsurprisingly, not far from Danbury, but it's not particularly close to anything else of note. I don't think there's any type of mass transit in the area, so you'll need to drive to get here, but at least they do have more than enough parking if you can manage to steer around the crazy angry strippers in the lot.
Overall – This place is better than I expected, but it's a little on the upscale side for my tastes. The atmosphere makes it perfect for business meetings or outings with the girlfriend, but the mediocre dances and the lack of privacy mean that degenerates like me would be better off saving the cash for a shadier club.
TOTAL SCORE = 47.5
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Ten's Show Club (Salisbury, MA)
Quality of dances (2/20) – The dances here are a huge disappointment. Almost everything else about the club is average or better, but my hands were planted firmly at my sides and the girl never worked her way beyond mid-thigh.
Quality of dancers (5/10) – I know someone who now refers to the Ten's as the Fours, reflecting the club's fall from grace in dancer quality. I don't think it's quite that bad, but I can't rate them above average these days. The dancers' bodies are still tight, but it seems that most of the pretty faces have left for greener pastures. This is especially depressing because the Ten's used to have some of the best talent in Massachusetts. There is one caveat: because this is a beachfront club, it's very possible that the hotties leave for the winter because of slowed business and then roll back in when the sun comes out. I'll give it another shot in June and see if that hypothesis is supported.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – When I was here last year on a Friday evening, the club was overflowing with dancers; there were at least as many dancers as customers. Last night, however, the ratio was less favorable. Perhaps 12-15 dancers were working, which is a light workforce for a club of this size.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - With the exception of a few exotic outliers, the vast majority of women here are white. Still, there's a wide enough variety of body types and hair colors to keep anyone interested.
Attitude of dancers (7.5/10) – It's rare to find girls at this classy of a club who are this down to earth. They don't mind spending some time with the customers, and the sales pitch is subtle or non-existent. One girl sat and talked to me for 20 minutes, and without trying to sell me on a dance, eventually said, "I guess I should get back to work now," then left to talk to other customers. I know she was working when she was talking to me too, but it's a nice approach that more girls should use. Also, despite there being little contact at the stage (see the Value score below), dancers tend to be very interactive and playful up there, which is fun.
Value (3/10) – The cover and the drinks are steep at $10 ($5 before 7 PM and $15 after 9 PM) and $6 (Miller Lite, of course) respectively, and there's not much contact at the stage or in the dances. The lap dances are $20, but they're no different than the $10 table dances.
Dance Setup (2/10) – You can either sit in a chair in the back of the club or in a chair on the 2nd floor. There aren't usually many people on the 2nd floor, so it could be worse, but the dance setup it still pretty bad.
Club Setup (9/10) – This is a large circular club with a bar around about half of the outside of the circle. There's a large clover-leaf stage in the center of the club, and it's surrounded by plenty of tables and chairs. The second floor is mainly set up for viewing the three huge televisions on the wall, but there's also a balcony that overlooks the main stage. I didn't see the third floor, but apparently it's usually available for private parties. Ignoring the shitty dance setup, the rest of this club has by far the best design of any club in the state, and is one of the most well-designed clubs I've ever been to.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – For an upscale club, this place actually still has a fairly relaxed atmosphere. In addition to the friendly dancers, there are always massage girls and often groups of curious women who wander in from the beach. The pole dancing used to be superb, but it appears to have taken a turn for the worse. Preston is still making it happen up there, as are a couple of other women.However, they're the exception these days, not the rule.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – Salisbury isn't really close to anything else, but if you're going to Salisbury beach, the club is right beside it.
Overall – Ten's Show Club is by far the best upscale club in Massachusetts. The dances are legitimately awful and the drinks are overpriced, but those are my only real complaints about the place. If you want to introduce a girl to strip clubs or are in the mood to look but not touch, there really isn't a better option in Massachusetts.
TOTAL SCORE = 47
Quality of dancers (5/10) – I know someone who now refers to the Ten's as the Fours, reflecting the club's fall from grace in dancer quality. I don't think it's quite that bad, but I can't rate them above average these days. The dancers' bodies are still tight, but it seems that most of the pretty faces have left for greener pastures. This is especially depressing because the Ten's used to have some of the best talent in Massachusetts. There is one caveat: because this is a beachfront club, it's very possible that the hotties leave for the winter because of slowed business and then roll back in when the sun comes out. I'll give it another shot in June and see if that hypothesis is supported.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – When I was here last year on a Friday evening, the club was overflowing with dancers; there were at least as many dancers as customers. Last night, however, the ratio was less favorable. Perhaps 12-15 dancers were working, which is a light workforce for a club of this size.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - With the exception of a few exotic outliers, the vast majority of women here are white. Still, there's a wide enough variety of body types and hair colors to keep anyone interested.
Attitude of dancers (7.5/10) – It's rare to find girls at this classy of a club who are this down to earth. They don't mind spending some time with the customers, and the sales pitch is subtle or non-existent. One girl sat and talked to me for 20 minutes, and without trying to sell me on a dance, eventually said, "I guess I should get back to work now," then left to talk to other customers. I know she was working when she was talking to me too, but it's a nice approach that more girls should use. Also, despite there being little contact at the stage (see the Value score below), dancers tend to be very interactive and playful up there, which is fun.
Value (3/10) – The cover and the drinks are steep at $10 ($5 before 7 PM and $15 after 9 PM) and $6 (Miller Lite, of course) respectively, and there's not much contact at the stage or in the dances. The lap dances are $20, but they're no different than the $10 table dances.
Dance Setup (2/10) – You can either sit in a chair in the back of the club or in a chair on the 2nd floor. There aren't usually many people on the 2nd floor, so it could be worse, but the dance setup it still pretty bad.
Club Setup (9/10) – This is a large circular club with a bar around about half of the outside of the circle. There's a large clover-leaf stage in the center of the club, and it's surrounded by plenty of tables and chairs. The second floor is mainly set up for viewing the three huge televisions on the wall, but there's also a balcony that overlooks the main stage. I didn't see the third floor, but apparently it's usually available for private parties. Ignoring the shitty dance setup, the rest of this club has by far the best design of any club in the state, and is one of the most well-designed clubs I've ever been to.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – For an upscale club, this place actually still has a fairly relaxed atmosphere. In addition to the friendly dancers, there are always massage girls and often groups of curious women who wander in from the beach. The pole dancing used to be superb, but it appears to have taken a turn for the worse. Preston is still making it happen up there, as are a couple of other women.However, they're the exception these days, not the rule.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – Salisbury isn't really close to anything else, but if you're going to Salisbury beach, the club is right beside it.
Overall – Ten's Show Club is by far the best upscale club in Massachusetts. The dances are legitimately awful and the drinks are overpriced, but those are my only real complaints about the place. If you want to introduce a girl to strip clubs or are in the mood to look but not touch, there really isn't a better option in Massachusetts.
TOTAL SCORE = 47
Monday, February 14, 2011
Charlie Sheen+Barbie+Reinforced Bras+Christianity+Belly Dancing = Peter Tips?
Now usually I don't do this (what with my blogging having the regularity of a German Bahnhof), but I can't help but break the rhythm of my regularly-scheduled posting today.
I was looking at the blog this morning and happened to check out the Amazon Contextual Product Ads that sit along the right-hand side. I typically don't pay any attention to that stuff and just added the functionality because I figured it might make me money (note to self: it doesn't).
Anyway, after looking at today's crop of ads, I can't figure out if the ad-choosing algorithm writers are mad geniuses, high-functioning potheads, or monkeys throwing feces at a dartboard.
Here's what we've got for sale on the big board:
The Third Season of Two and a Half Men on DVD
This just cracks me up. Ladies and gentlemen, witness the power of Charlie Sheen. This guy is such a cracked-out, porn star obsessed, fivesome-loving degenerate that his aura can cause America's number one comedy, watched by millions of families every week, to be featured on a strip club review blog.
"Hmm, let's see, these readers are into paying women to flash their pierced bajingos and bleached backdoors at close range while drinking cheap light beer and hanging out in dimly-lit rooms with gentlemen who may or may not be prime candidates for To Catch a Predator. What else do they love? What...else...do...they...love? Boom! Charlie Sheen!"
Two other questions:
First, if not for Mr. Sheen's recent antics, do you think this ad would have found its way onto the blog? I'm not so sure, which makes me think that this ad algorithm might actually comb internet news stories and cross-reference word choices with those in this blog (stripper, cocaine, porn, blowjob, etc.). Amazing.
Second, why season 3? There are 8 seasons of Two and a Half Men. Season 3 came out on DVD in like 2006. What is it about that season that screams Peter Tips today? I'm not sure we'll ever know, but I'd be interested in hearing hypotheses.
Three Dancers One Dance: Vision and Practicalities of Small Christian Communities and Groups
This actually pops up in the ad as just Three Dancers One Dance, which made me think that it had some potential. I was a little nervous that it might be the next iteration of Two Girls One Cup, so at first I was hesitant to click the link, but ultimately I went for it. As it turns out, the actual product is far more offensive to me than Two Girls One Cup could ever be.
Honestly, even after reading the book's description, I can't even figure out what it's about. It appears to be a guide for "running" Christian communities, whatever the fuck that means. It claims to "enrich and open new horizons for groups of all kinds, not least of those youth (emphasis added)." Crrreeeeeeeeepy. That shit sounds like How to Start a Cult in Ten Easy Steps.
I can only assume this link is here to give Amazon the appearance of some sort of neutral advertising balance, even where it's totally worthless and unnecessary (kind of like how cable news networks used to bring in Ann Coulter to give an opinion on the issues of the day).
Posture Perfect Back Support Brace
This is tremendous, much like the tits it's designed to support. That's what this is for, right? "Widely used by equestrians," my ass. This bad boy exists for all the naturally big-busted women in the world that I love, to save them from the inevitable back problems associated with their gift from God. Thanks for reading and understanding my tastes, Amazon polynomial. It's like we've known each other forever.
Step-by-Step BellyDance DVD with Leilainia
Okay, this one makes sense. It's obviously for dudes who don't have the balls to buy pole-dancing lessons for their wives...yet. I understand. You've gotta to ease into that stuff. You can't be all: "Hey honey, look what I got you for Valentine's Day. A series of really expensive classes that will help you look and move more like all of those women who I spend 10% of our income on every week." You've gotta have a helluva cool wife to pull that shit off up front.
This DVD lets you start the transition. "No, it's not stripping, it's belly dancing, a Middle Eastern tradition practiced for 200 years. You're such a great dancer already, and this will be a fun way to learn something that you've never tried before. I've heard it's very empowering. And you can do it right here at home."
By the way, Leilainia is hot. Smoking hot. So much that I may just go ahead and purchase this DVD for myself. That's not a bad way to spend $16, is it? Is it bad that I'm so obsessed with women and consumerism that I can't even avoid spending money on the ads generated by my own blog?
Princess Genevieve Barbie Doll
Priceless. Who's being targeted here? Dancers who always wanted to be princesses? Their daughters? The daughters of customers? Doll collectors? Child molesters? All of the above?
By the way, fuck Barbie Dolls. Real women have curves. Real curves. And natural tits. And lap dance asses. And dark skin. And dark hair that doesn't run 3/4 of the way down their back. I know Mattel has moved towards more diverse models for their Barbies, but is that really anything more than a hollow gesture?
Also, $54.98? For a Barbie Doll? Only if it's filled with fine Colombian yayo. For that price, I could get one and a half seasons of Two and a Half Men and still have a few bucks left over to tip at the stage. Easy decision.
That's all I've got.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone.
I hope you're either getting laid or getting paid tonight. Either way, good luck.
I was looking at the blog this morning and happened to check out the Amazon Contextual Product Ads that sit along the right-hand side. I typically don't pay any attention to that stuff and just added the functionality because I figured it might make me money (note to self: it doesn't).
Anyway, after looking at today's crop of ads, I can't figure out if the ad-choosing algorithm writers are mad geniuses, high-functioning potheads, or monkeys throwing feces at a dartboard.
Here's what we've got for sale on the big board:
The Third Season of Two and a Half Men on DVD
This just cracks me up. Ladies and gentlemen, witness the power of Charlie Sheen. This guy is such a cracked-out, porn star obsessed, fivesome-loving degenerate that his aura can cause America's number one comedy, watched by millions of families every week, to be featured on a strip club review blog.
"Hmm, let's see, these readers are into paying women to flash their pierced bajingos and bleached backdoors at close range while drinking cheap light beer and hanging out in dimly-lit rooms with gentlemen who may or may not be prime candidates for To Catch a Predator. What else do they love? What...else...do...they...love? Boom! Charlie Sheen!"
Two other questions:
First, if not for Mr. Sheen's recent antics, do you think this ad would have found its way onto the blog? I'm not so sure, which makes me think that this ad algorithm might actually comb internet news stories and cross-reference word choices with those in this blog (stripper, cocaine, porn, blowjob, etc.). Amazing.
Second, why season 3? There are 8 seasons of Two and a Half Men. Season 3 came out on DVD in like 2006. What is it about that season that screams Peter Tips today? I'm not sure we'll ever know, but I'd be interested in hearing hypotheses.
Three Dancers One Dance: Vision and Practicalities of Small Christian Communities and Groups
This actually pops up in the ad as just Three Dancers One Dance, which made me think that it had some potential. I was a little nervous that it might be the next iteration of Two Girls One Cup, so at first I was hesitant to click the link, but ultimately I went for it. As it turns out, the actual product is far more offensive to me than Two Girls One Cup could ever be.
Honestly, even after reading the book's description, I can't even figure out what it's about. It appears to be a guide for "running" Christian communities, whatever the fuck that means. It claims to "enrich and open new horizons for groups of all kinds, not least of those youth (emphasis added)." Crrreeeeeeeeepy. That shit sounds like How to Start a Cult in Ten Easy Steps.
I can only assume this link is here to give Amazon the appearance of some sort of neutral advertising balance, even where it's totally worthless and unnecessary (kind of like how cable news networks used to bring in Ann Coulter to give an opinion on the issues of the day).
Posture Perfect Back Support Brace
This is tremendous, much like the tits it's designed to support. That's what this is for, right? "Widely used by equestrians," my ass. This bad boy exists for all the naturally big-busted women in the world that I love, to save them from the inevitable back problems associated with their gift from God. Thanks for reading and understanding my tastes, Amazon polynomial. It's like we've known each other forever.
Step-by-Step BellyDance DVD with Leilainia
Okay, this one makes sense. It's obviously for dudes who don't have the balls to buy pole-dancing lessons for their wives...yet. I understand. You've gotta to ease into that stuff. You can't be all: "Hey honey, look what I got you for Valentine's Day. A series of really expensive classes that will help you look and move more like all of those women who I spend 10% of our income on every week." You've gotta have a helluva cool wife to pull that shit off up front.
This DVD lets you start the transition. "No, it's not stripping, it's belly dancing, a Middle Eastern tradition practiced for 200 years. You're such a great dancer already, and this will be a fun way to learn something that you've never tried before. I've heard it's very empowering. And you can do it right here at home."
By the way, Leilainia is hot. Smoking hot. So much that I may just go ahead and purchase this DVD for myself. That's not a bad way to spend $16, is it? Is it bad that I'm so obsessed with women and consumerism that I can't even avoid spending money on the ads generated by my own blog?
Princess Genevieve Barbie Doll
Priceless. Who's being targeted here? Dancers who always wanted to be princesses? Their daughters? The daughters of customers? Doll collectors? Child molesters? All of the above?
By the way, fuck Barbie Dolls. Real women have curves. Real curves. And natural tits. And lap dance asses. And dark skin. And dark hair that doesn't run 3/4 of the way down their back. I know Mattel has moved towards more diverse models for their Barbies, but is that really anything more than a hollow gesture?
Also, $54.98? For a Barbie Doll? Only if it's filled with fine Colombian yayo. For that price, I could get one and a half seasons of Two and a Half Men and still have a few bucks left over to tip at the stage. Easy decision.
That's all I've got.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone.
I hope you're either getting laid or getting paid tonight. Either way, good luck.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Key Club Cabaret (New Haven, CT)
Note: The Key Club Cabaret was previously the Crazy Horse, but had to change their name due to a trademark dispute with the Vegas Crazy Horse. Previously, this was Stage Door Johnny's/Back Stage Johnny's.
Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls being fairly tame and some girls making a solid attempt to get the job done. Still, even most of the more tame girls have a few moves to make a dance worthwhile. Also, the dances here are usually nude if you stick around for multiple songs, though that's not a huge plus in my book due to the risk of having to get my dress pants dry-cleaned. A few girls have indicated that extras are available in the VIP area, but I haven't had $100+ to see if they're true to their word.
Quality of Dancers (5/10) – If you haven't been here since it was Johnny's, you should be pleased, because the quality has gone up significantly under new ownership. It's still rare to see any girls that I'd rate above an 8 and there are a few who are way past their sell-by date, but the majority of girls are now in the 5-7 range. Normally that would be worth around a 6, but I had to knock them down a point for having two "girls" that I'm fairly certain are post-op trannies. Maybe they're just strong-jawed ladies, but in either case, why would a club hire dancers who even beg that question?
Number of Dancers (6/10) – In the early evenings, there aren't usually a whole lot of dancers or customers. The lack of customers means that you'll have your pick of the litter, but the lack of dancers means that you still might not have much quality to chose from. Later in the evening, the number of dancers goes up much quicker than the number of customers, so there might be 2 dancers for every customer if you get here at the right time, and even if you don't, you shouldn't have a hard time getting a girl's attention for a dance. The only time that I've had a real problem was on a Sunday afternoon when there were no dancers, but the manager bought a few rounds of drinks for everyone who was there and the bartendress stepped up to offer lap dances. It still wasn't ideal, but I admire a club that at least makes the effort to make up for its shortcomings.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – The Key Club has a mix of black and white dancers and they've got more than enough size variation, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. For whatever reason, the black girls here were usually somewhat hotter than the white ones when this was Johnny's, but that trend seems to be slowly reversing recently.
Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – On multiple occasions, girls have been happy to show me around the club including the VIP dance area even without me asking, and most of them are friendly whether they're on stage or just sitting around bullshitting with customers. This seems like the type of place where's you'd run into some strung out girls, but that hasn't been my experience at all. I did once have to help a girl stay on her chair because she was falling down drunk, but otherwise, these girls seem to be fairly well put together.
Value (3/10) – There's a $10 cover after 6pm that gets you into both clubs and the $5 beers, $25 dances and moderate stage value are all ok, but there are much better values to be found elsewhere in Connecticut. I love lap dances, and these ones are pretty solid, but I have a hard time ever justifying more than one or two when they cost more than $20 each. Thankfully, some of the girls drop the price to $20 per dance after the first one since the club isn't taking a cut of that extra cash, so you should always ask about that before you agree to a dance if you're considering staying for multiple songs.
Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance booths from Johnny's are gone, so even though the dance area is classier now, it's not nearly as private. Still, it isn't terrible since there are two separate bench areas on the nude side of the club, and you can't see those areas unless you're in them. The ladies make sure to take you to the second bench area if there's already a guy in the first one, so you get an area to yourself as long as only one or two customers are getting dances at a time. Any more than that though, and it gets cramped and loses all privacy really quickly. If you're willing to drop the cash for the VIP dances, you'll go around the corner to a row of decent sized individual rooms with a large comfy couch in each. They don't have doors on the booths, but no one will see you unless they're going for a private dance, so it's still pretty solid if you're looking to get a little intimate.
Club Setup (4/10) – The new owners have put a lot of money into this place and it's certainly a huge improvement over the way it was before, but something is still missing. The topless side has a long bar that fills up quickly, a long bench style couch along the far side wall, and a large stage. The stage is reasonably nice overall, but it has one annoying flaw - it doesn't have a lower shelf or ledge where you can sit your drink, so you're choices are to awkwardly hold your beverage or to sit it right on the stage. Not a huge problem, but who knew they even make stages without a place to sit drinks? The nude side doesn't really seem to be a popular place to hang out, but it also has a decent stage with some chairs around it. I think the topless side needs some tables and booths to make it better for groups, because I really can't see coming here with more than one or two other guys.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The setup has become more upscale, but the old dive bar atmosphere still shows through. I imagine that it will eventually be fairly nice, but for now, it's kind of in that awkward zone where it's too classy to be a dive but too shitty to be classy. I could also see it getting rougher later at night, but the crowd has always been alright while I've been there.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The Key Club is very close to I-91, isn't too far from I-95, and is within walking distance of some of the best pizza in the U.S. over on Wooster Street. If you're from the area, I'm sure that you already have your preference and I know better than to try to change your mind, but if you're just passing through, I'd have to recommend Frank Pepe's if you're interested in toppings and Sally's if you're going for plain cheese. You can't go wrong either way though.
Overall – The Key Club is already the best club, by far, in New Haven. It may not be great, but the dances are very good and everything else is solid if you can overlook the varied quality of dancers. I'm guessing that the dancer quality will go up over time, but for now, that prevents me from adding it to my Connecticut rotation. Overall, it's about on par with Keepers in Milford, and even though I'd still probably chose Centerfolds in Berlin over the Key Club, the Key Club has become a very reasonable option if you're in New Haven and time is limited.
TOTAL SCORE = 51
Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls being fairly tame and some girls making a solid attempt to get the job done. Still, even most of the more tame girls have a few moves to make a dance worthwhile. Also, the dances here are usually nude if you stick around for multiple songs, though that's not a huge plus in my book due to the risk of having to get my dress pants dry-cleaned. A few girls have indicated that extras are available in the VIP area, but I haven't had $100+ to see if they're true to their word.
Quality of Dancers (5/10) – If you haven't been here since it was Johnny's, you should be pleased, because the quality has gone up significantly under new ownership. It's still rare to see any girls that I'd rate above an 8 and there are a few who are way past their sell-by date, but the majority of girls are now in the 5-7 range. Normally that would be worth around a 6, but I had to knock them down a point for having two "girls" that I'm fairly certain are post-op trannies. Maybe they're just strong-jawed ladies, but in either case, why would a club hire dancers who even beg that question?
Number of Dancers (6/10) – In the early evenings, there aren't usually a whole lot of dancers or customers. The lack of customers means that you'll have your pick of the litter, but the lack of dancers means that you still might not have much quality to chose from. Later in the evening, the number of dancers goes up much quicker than the number of customers, so there might be 2 dancers for every customer if you get here at the right time, and even if you don't, you shouldn't have a hard time getting a girl's attention for a dance. The only time that I've had a real problem was on a Sunday afternoon when there were no dancers, but the manager bought a few rounds of drinks for everyone who was there and the bartendress stepped up to offer lap dances. It still wasn't ideal, but I admire a club that at least makes the effort to make up for its shortcomings.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – The Key Club has a mix of black and white dancers and they've got more than enough size variation, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. For whatever reason, the black girls here were usually somewhat hotter than the white ones when this was Johnny's, but that trend seems to be slowly reversing recently.
Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – On multiple occasions, girls have been happy to show me around the club including the VIP dance area even without me asking, and most of them are friendly whether they're on stage or just sitting around bullshitting with customers. This seems like the type of place where's you'd run into some strung out girls, but that hasn't been my experience at all. I did once have to help a girl stay on her chair because she was falling down drunk, but otherwise, these girls seem to be fairly well put together.
Value (3/10) – There's a $10 cover after 6pm that gets you into both clubs and the $5 beers, $25 dances and moderate stage value are all ok, but there are much better values to be found elsewhere in Connecticut. I love lap dances, and these ones are pretty solid, but I have a hard time ever justifying more than one or two when they cost more than $20 each. Thankfully, some of the girls drop the price to $20 per dance after the first one since the club isn't taking a cut of that extra cash, so you should always ask about that before you agree to a dance if you're considering staying for multiple songs.
Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance booths from Johnny's are gone, so even though the dance area is classier now, it's not nearly as private. Still, it isn't terrible since there are two separate bench areas on the nude side of the club, and you can't see those areas unless you're in them. The ladies make sure to take you to the second bench area if there's already a guy in the first one, so you get an area to yourself as long as only one or two customers are getting dances at a time. Any more than that though, and it gets cramped and loses all privacy really quickly. If you're willing to drop the cash for the VIP dances, you'll go around the corner to a row of decent sized individual rooms with a large comfy couch in each. They don't have doors on the booths, but no one will see you unless they're going for a private dance, so it's still pretty solid if you're looking to get a little intimate.
Club Setup (4/10) – The new owners have put a lot of money into this place and it's certainly a huge improvement over the way it was before, but something is still missing. The topless side has a long bar that fills up quickly, a long bench style couch along the far side wall, and a large stage. The stage is reasonably nice overall, but it has one annoying flaw - it doesn't have a lower shelf or ledge where you can sit your drink, so you're choices are to awkwardly hold your beverage or to sit it right on the stage. Not a huge problem, but who knew they even make stages without a place to sit drinks? The nude side doesn't really seem to be a popular place to hang out, but it also has a decent stage with some chairs around it. I think the topless side needs some tables and booths to make it better for groups, because I really can't see coming here with more than one or two other guys.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The setup has become more upscale, but the old dive bar atmosphere still shows through. I imagine that it will eventually be fairly nice, but for now, it's kind of in that awkward zone where it's too classy to be a dive but too shitty to be classy. I could also see it getting rougher later at night, but the crowd has always been alright while I've been there.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The Key Club is very close to I-91, isn't too far from I-95, and is within walking distance of some of the best pizza in the U.S. over on Wooster Street. If you're from the area, I'm sure that you already have your preference and I know better than to try to change your mind, but if you're just passing through, I'd have to recommend Frank Pepe's if you're interested in toppings and Sally's if you're going for plain cheese. You can't go wrong either way though.
Overall – The Key Club is already the best club, by far, in New Haven. It may not be great, but the dances are very good and everything else is solid if you can overlook the varied quality of dancers. I'm guessing that the dancer quality will go up over time, but for now, that prevents me from adding it to my Connecticut rotation. Overall, it's about on par with Keepers in Milford, and even though I'd still probably chose Centerfolds in Berlin over the Key Club, the Key Club has become a very reasonable option if you're in New Haven and time is limited.
TOTAL SCORE = 51
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