Quality of Dances (8/20) – There are three tiers of “dances” at this place. You can get one dance on a bench seat that is not private for $20, three dances for $40 in a semi-private booth, or go to the VIP room. There you close the door and mutually masturbate for 15 minutes for $150 (or $300 for 30 minutes, but don’t kid yourself about lasting that long). The regular lap dances have decent grinding by the dancer, but no touching is allowed. If you weren’t aware of this rule, it’s printed on a nice big sign at the entrance.
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – There is no alcohol served, allowing the Golden Dragon to hire under 21s, which is all they do. I could have been at a UConn girls volleyball practice at this place. Everyone was thin, athletic, young, and was showing off awesome pole moves on the stage. There were a few eights and nines, and the place was littered with sevens and nothing under a six.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good, especially since all 16 of them will do a masturbation show (some with a friend). The ratio was roughly one to one given the number of dudes present.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – One unavoidable sticking point to Portland is that it’s full of thin white girls. All athletic with great bodies, but most of the variance involves a) what color her hair is, b) what her tattoos look like, and c) where her piercings are located.
Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – When you arrive and pay your cover, there are three to four girls waiting at the entrance to give you a Bunny Ranch style tour. Your mileage may vary on that one, depending mostly on how willing you seem to be to spend money. Showing you around the club is mainly a way to show off the menu and gauge how loose you are with the twenties, but most won’t be too pushy about dragging cash out before you even sit down. On nights where there are a ton of girls working and the guys aren’t making it rain, though, they can get a little testy and make it a bit of a buzzkill. You would think having a tough night and a great ratio would encourage the girls to be friendlier and more affectionate, but they just pout if you say no to tossing $150 their way.
Value (6.5/10) – Since there is no booze, you would expect an absurd cover charge, but it’s only $5. The menu consists of three sodas, water, and enormous Red Bulls. The single lap dance option mentioned above is a little overpriced, but the 3 for $40 deal is definitely a worthwhile option. I didn’t try the mutual masturbation, but your $150 will go farther here than possibly anywhere else in the area.
Dance Setup (4/10) – The single dance bench has no privacy and people walk by you all the time. The better option for dances is the semi-private booth. It appears most guys do a single dance to gauge a dancer and then go right to the VIP room, so it’s rare to have more than one guy anywhere near you. I imagine taking a UV light into the VIP room would have enough DNA evidence to make a two part episode of CSI.
Club Setup (3/10) – There is a short bar when you enter on the left and a small stage that is 6” off the floor in the middle. It looks terrible, but it more easily allows dancers to give decent stage action and that’s where most people congregate. Unfortunately, most of the guys are 18 years old, awkward, naïve, nervous, and pitching a tent the size of the Chrysler building in front of everyone else in the bright light. The long dance benches near the stage are usually empty (and thus a waste of space), presumably because not many guys are stupid enough to think one dance for $20 is mathematically superior to three for $40.
Club Atmosphere (2/10) – Since it’s 18+, there’s a large under 21 crowd coming to the club hammered out of their minds, trying hard to spend all of their $35 checking account. It’s a bit of a change from other clubs, but at least everyone is happy to be there, even after getting past the two biker extras from Sons of Anarchy at the front door. The larger issue is that it’s brighter than a restaurant and you couldn’t hide in a dark corner unless you went to another club.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – This place is right in the middle of downtown Portland. You can stumble a few blocks to awesome street food and to bars, with public transportation all around. You couldn’t be in a better place if you tried.
Overall – If you have a ton of cash and want to get right into watching two girls have sex in front of you while you masturbate, call this place your own. If not, it’s not a good choice among the several clubs within walking distance of it. The standard Portland “no hands” rule is enforced, and try as I may, I could not get a girl to admit that you can straight up have sex in the VIP room.
Because of the relative strength of its competition, I can only recommend this club for the under-21s, as it may be their only game in town. Just be careful since the girls are better at convincing you to watch them masturbate than you are at convincing them you don’t have enough money to pay for it.
TOTAL SCORE = 48.5
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Filly Corral (Smithton, PA)
Quality of Dances (12.5/20) – These are some excellent nude lap dances. You can't touch the crotch and I didn't get any signs that extras are available, at least during regular dances, but everyone provides a nice grind and most of the ladies encourage upper body 2-way contact. Still, what they allow you to do isn't all that unusual. It's what they're able to do that's really impressive. Almost all of these ladies know how to work it with their knees, and I even witnessed one girl standing on the lap dance chair and working it with her foot. That's not a move that I'd like to experience often, but a little variety is never a bad thing.
Quality of Dancers (7/10) – These ladies redefine the strip-club-at-a-rest-stop scale. When I first pulled up to this place, I was expecting a half dozen mid-forties enhanced bleached blond borderline lot lizards, but these ladies are genuinely hot. During two visits, I saw one older dancer and one who could have stood to lose a few pounds, but the vast majority of the ladies in the place are all natural and would have been considered to be high quality even at a big city club. As long as you're not expecting to see a bunch of 9s and 10s, you should be satisfied with these ladies.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – The Filly Corale is crawling with women. There are always two ladies on stage at a time, the stage sets are usually just two songs long, and they don't repeat girls often. Some of the girls hang out together near the stage, but there are always plenty of ladies on the floor and several working the crowd.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – You probably aren't expecting much diversity at a rest stop strip club in the middle of nowhere, and that's a good thing, because there's isn't much at this place. I've seen one black girl and one Asian in two visits, which means that about 95% of the ladies that I've seen have been white.
Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) – Other than a few girls who don't work the crowd as much as I'd like, everyone here is really friendly. Most of the ladies are actually good to talk to, and everyone that I've gotten dances from have plopped down on my lap to wait for a new song to start. That should be standard in all clubs, but you have to request it at a lot of places. I especially enjoyed the one girl who had a tattoo on her ass that read, "Your Name." Now that's a girl with no plans of settling down anytime soon. I also have to give some credit here to the club for promoting good interactions between customers and dancers. Tips are appreciated for good lap dances, but the club has a sign up that tells you to talk to management if any of the ladies are pushy about it.
Value (7/10) – The nude stage action is very good, with a lot of ladies getting pretty graphic with lip spreading and some even allowing some tit grabbing at the rail. The dances are a decent value at $20 each, and the $20 cover isn't even too bad since you get free beer. Several of the Pennsylvania clubs that don't have liquor licenses give away beer, but it's been in tiny plastic cups everywhere else that I've been. Here, you get cans of Bud Light. I never thought that I'd be so excited about mediocre beer, but it's so delicious when it's (sortof) free.
Dance Setup (2/10) – The dance area is in a separate room from the main stage, but there's no privacy between the several customers who are usually getting a dance at the same time. The half dozen chair in the room face each other and the room is way too bright, but at least you do get your own comfortable chair.
Club Setup (6/10) – The Filly Corral could pass for a dentist's office on the outside, but on the inside, it's pure strip club, and a pretty good one at that. There's a large, more or less rectangular bar that takes up half of the room, with a few restaurant style booths behind it and a nice but narrow two-pole main stage in front of it. There are also a few other chairs behind the main stage, two small overflow stages and a sectioned off floor level area called the "snake pit," but it seems like those are all rarely, if ever, used. Either way, I prefer to stay at the bar so that they can keep the "free" beers coming
Club Atmosphere (7.5/10) – You probably shouldn't bring your uptight business associates here (they might be freaked out by the "no spitting" sign, but I love the relaxed blue collar vibe. This is the type of place where everyone just assumes that you drive an 18-wheeler, and if you start to think that every night on the road would be as fun as a night at the Corral, you'll wish you did.
Club Accessibility (1/5) – The Filly Corral is right off of the PA turnpike and is right beside the Flying J travel plaza, so it's basically the best location ever for truck drivers. Sadly, for the rest of us, this club is in the fucking boonies.
Overall – The Filly Corral is, without a doubt, the best club that I've been to in Pennsylvania. Just a really solid joint with hot, friendly girls, solid dances and no glaring weaknesses. I don't know if I'd bother to drive 40 minutes each way to get here from Pittsburgh, but I'll definitely drive 20 minutes out of my way to hit it anytime that I'm traveling to Pittsburgh.
RAW SCORE = 58
Quality of Dancers (7/10) – These ladies redefine the strip-club-at-a-rest-stop scale. When I first pulled up to this place, I was expecting a half dozen mid-forties enhanced bleached blond borderline lot lizards, but these ladies are genuinely hot. During two visits, I saw one older dancer and one who could have stood to lose a few pounds, but the vast majority of the ladies in the place are all natural and would have been considered to be high quality even at a big city club. As long as you're not expecting to see a bunch of 9s and 10s, you should be satisfied with these ladies.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – The Filly Corale is crawling with women. There are always two ladies on stage at a time, the stage sets are usually just two songs long, and they don't repeat girls often. Some of the girls hang out together near the stage, but there are always plenty of ladies on the floor and several working the crowd.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – You probably aren't expecting much diversity at a rest stop strip club in the middle of nowhere, and that's a good thing, because there's isn't much at this place. I've seen one black girl and one Asian in two visits, which means that about 95% of the ladies that I've seen have been white.
Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) – Other than a few girls who don't work the crowd as much as I'd like, everyone here is really friendly. Most of the ladies are actually good to talk to, and everyone that I've gotten dances from have plopped down on my lap to wait for a new song to start. That should be standard in all clubs, but you have to request it at a lot of places. I especially enjoyed the one girl who had a tattoo on her ass that read, "Your Name." Now that's a girl with no plans of settling down anytime soon. I also have to give some credit here to the club for promoting good interactions between customers and dancers. Tips are appreciated for good lap dances, but the club has a sign up that tells you to talk to management if any of the ladies are pushy about it.
Value (7/10) – The nude stage action is very good, with a lot of ladies getting pretty graphic with lip spreading and some even allowing some tit grabbing at the rail. The dances are a decent value at $20 each, and the $20 cover isn't even too bad since you get free beer. Several of the Pennsylvania clubs that don't have liquor licenses give away beer, but it's been in tiny plastic cups everywhere else that I've been. Here, you get cans of Bud Light. I never thought that I'd be so excited about mediocre beer, but it's so delicious when it's (sortof) free.
Dance Setup (2/10) – The dance area is in a separate room from the main stage, but there's no privacy between the several customers who are usually getting a dance at the same time. The half dozen chair in the room face each other and the room is way too bright, but at least you do get your own comfortable chair.
Club Setup (6/10) – The Filly Corral could pass for a dentist's office on the outside, but on the inside, it's pure strip club, and a pretty good one at that. There's a large, more or less rectangular bar that takes up half of the room, with a few restaurant style booths behind it and a nice but narrow two-pole main stage in front of it. There are also a few other chairs behind the main stage, two small overflow stages and a sectioned off floor level area called the "snake pit," but it seems like those are all rarely, if ever, used. Either way, I prefer to stay at the bar so that they can keep the "free" beers coming
Club Atmosphere (7.5/10) – You probably shouldn't bring your uptight business associates here (they might be freaked out by the "no spitting" sign, but I love the relaxed blue collar vibe. This is the type of place where everyone just assumes that you drive an 18-wheeler, and if you start to think that every night on the road would be as fun as a night at the Corral, you'll wish you did.
Club Accessibility (1/5) – The Filly Corral is right off of the PA turnpike and is right beside the Flying J travel plaza, so it's basically the best location ever for truck drivers. Sadly, for the rest of us, this club is in the fucking boonies.
Overall – The Filly Corral is, without a doubt, the best club that I've been to in Pennsylvania. Just a really solid joint with hot, friendly girls, solid dances and no glaring weaknesses. I don't know if I'd bother to drive 40 minutes each way to get here from Pittsburgh, but I'll definitely drive 20 minutes out of my way to hit it anytime that I'm traveling to Pittsburgh.
RAW SCORE = 58
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Ruby's II (Bridgeport, CT)
Quality of Dances (13/20) - The dances are nude and the girls make decent contact with you and most of them are fine with varying degrees of 2 way contact. There are big signs all over the club saying "No physical contact with the dancers," so you probably shouldn't assume that it's okay to grab a handful of titty, but I haven't found a girl here who seemed to mind when my hands slowly moved in that general direction. Some of these girls indicate that they'll get the job done if you stick around for several songs, but I've never gotten a dance from a girl hot enough to tempt me to take them up on those offers.
Quality of Dancers (4.5/10) - A lot of these ladies are on the older side, and you really won't find many stunning dancers here, but the majority of white girls are fairly attractive in a girl-next-door sort of way. Many of the Latinas are a little more sloppy, but they're still Latinas, so you know I won't complain too much.
Number of Dancers (4/10) - There are a decent number of girls here during peak hours on peak days, but any time other than that and it can be a little sparse. By closing time on weekends, it's really thinned out. I can understand that at clubs that close at 3 am, but there's really no excuse for girls to leave early when the club closes at 1. And early in the week, it's pretty bad regardless of what time you go.
Variety/Diversity of dDancers (3/5) - You'll find plenty of white girls and Brazilians, but there's a surprising lack of black dancers given the location.
Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) - The girls should be more interested in getting people to get dances, but they were all friendly once I got their attention and I've never seen women look so appreciative for even small tips. You're pretty much guaranteed to get a face full of tits if you sit at the stage, and one time when I put a single on the stage and walked away, you'd have thought Nelly had just slid his credit card through the girl's ass.
Value (6/10) - $5 cover and $20 dances seem to be slightly less than at most clubs in the area, and it's BYOB with a small fee for them to hold onto your drinks. If you're just passing through town, and I hope for your sake that you are, BYOB doesn't really help that much. The signs say there's a 3 drink minimum, but that doesn't seem to be strictly enforced.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) - There are booths, but they're made of lattice fencing, so they're basically useless. Anyone who is in this part of the club can see right in.
Club Setup (3.5/10) - There's a large bar in one section, a fairly small stage in the next section, and a few pool tables near the far wall. Even though they need more seats in the stage section of the club, this place seems like it could have been pretty decent at some point. Unfortunately, it's pretty run down now.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) - Ruby's is definitely more bar than gentleman's club, which is a problem since they don't serve alcohol. And the Hell's Angels at the bar, the tough guys standing by the pool tables, the country music, and the signs saying "If you're not drinking, you're loitering" don't really add to the atmosphere.
Club Accessibility (1/5) - I can't imagine anyone wanting to stay in this area for long, but it is easily accessible from I-95. The neighborhood isn't great, but it's not terrible and they have a private parking lot where your car should be safe.
Overall - I've been told that you can have a lot of fun with a few of the girls here, and there are plenty of people who really like this place - I'm just not one of them. It might be a decent option if you're looking for a Bridgeport club that's a compromise between the places with really tame lap dances (Scruples) and the places that are ridiculously shady (Bishop's Corner), but a club really has to blow me away to make up for a lack of alcohol, and Ruby's II doesn't.
TOTAL SCORE = 46
Quality of Dancers (4.5/10) - A lot of these ladies are on the older side, and you really won't find many stunning dancers here, but the majority of white girls are fairly attractive in a girl-next-door sort of way. Many of the Latinas are a little more sloppy, but they're still Latinas, so you know I won't complain too much.
Number of Dancers (4/10) - There are a decent number of girls here during peak hours on peak days, but any time other than that and it can be a little sparse. By closing time on weekends, it's really thinned out. I can understand that at clubs that close at 3 am, but there's really no excuse for girls to leave early when the club closes at 1. And early in the week, it's pretty bad regardless of what time you go.
Variety/Diversity of dDancers (3/5) - You'll find plenty of white girls and Brazilians, but there's a surprising lack of black dancers given the location.
Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) - The girls should be more interested in getting people to get dances, but they were all friendly once I got their attention and I've never seen women look so appreciative for even small tips. You're pretty much guaranteed to get a face full of tits if you sit at the stage, and one time when I put a single on the stage and walked away, you'd have thought Nelly had just slid his credit card through the girl's ass.
Value (6/10) - $5 cover and $20 dances seem to be slightly less than at most clubs in the area, and it's BYOB with a small fee for them to hold onto your drinks. If you're just passing through town, and I hope for your sake that you are, BYOB doesn't really help that much. The signs say there's a 3 drink minimum, but that doesn't seem to be strictly enforced.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) - There are booths, but they're made of lattice fencing, so they're basically useless. Anyone who is in this part of the club can see right in.
Club Setup (3.5/10) - There's a large bar in one section, a fairly small stage in the next section, and a few pool tables near the far wall. Even though they need more seats in the stage section of the club, this place seems like it could have been pretty decent at some point. Unfortunately, it's pretty run down now.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) - Ruby's is definitely more bar than gentleman's club, which is a problem since they don't serve alcohol. And the Hell's Angels at the bar, the tough guys standing by the pool tables, the country music, and the signs saying "If you're not drinking, you're loitering" don't really add to the atmosphere.
Club Accessibility (1/5) - I can't imagine anyone wanting to stay in this area for long, but it is easily accessible from I-95. The neighborhood isn't great, but it's not terrible and they have a private parking lot where your car should be safe.
Overall - I've been told that you can have a lot of fun with a few of the girls here, and there are plenty of people who really like this place - I'm just not one of them. It might be a decent option if you're looking for a Bridgeport club that's a compromise between the places with really tame lap dances (Scruples) and the places that are ridiculously shady (Bishop's Corner), but a club really has to blow me away to make up for a lack of alcohol, and Ruby's II doesn't.
TOTAL SCORE = 46
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Silky's (McKees Rocks, PA)
Quality of Dances (12/20) – Touching tits is usually tolerated and you can get a good grind from pretty much every lady in the place. The setup prevents thing from getting too intimate unless you pay for the VIP, but these are still the most consistently solid dances in Pittsburgh.
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – I've been less than impressed with the ladies that I've seen at Silky's. During my first vist, I saw one really hot dancer, one who wasn't too bad, two who were about a decade past their sell-by date, and two who were just disgusting. The elderly contingent was missing during my second visit, but the other proportions were about the same. I'm usually fine with sacrificing the quality of dancers for the quality of dances, but it's just ridiculous at this place. And good luck getting the really hot one or even the not-too-bad one away from the other customers long enough to get a dance.
Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – I've seen about a half dozen girls working during both of my weekend night visits. That wouldn't normally be too terrible, but since I was part of a fire code defying number of customers, the ratio makes it almost impossible to get a dance unless you come often enough for the girls to know you.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – I've seen one non-white girl total in two visits. There was at least a little size variation, but since they usually don't have more than one genuinely attractive girl working at a time, you're out of luck if that one attractive girl isn't your type. The one girl's teeth pointed in a variety of directions, but that's not really what I'm looking for in this category.
Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – I've seen several ladies who spent most of their time talking to their friends who showed up to watch them dance and the majority of dancers seemed annoyed to have to deal with customers. When I finally did get a chance to talk to anyone, the VIP room sales pitch was almost immediate, though it was at least fairly mild as far as sales pitches go. There are just so many guys per girl, at least during busy times, that they really don't have a reason to keep customers happy.
Value (8/10) – Since the four or five beers on tap are free, you really can't beat the $10 cover with fairly solid stage shows, and dances aren't too bad at $20 each either.
Dance Setup (1.5/10) – There are six couches lined up facing the same direction on the 2nd floor of the club. Since they all face a bouncer who sits at a desk in the front of the room, you almost feel like you're in class and he's the teacher. Thankfully, he rarely takes a peak, and none of the other dancers or customers can see you if you're on one of the two couches in the back, but it takes the fun out of grabbing titties when you feel like you're going to get sent to after school detention.
Club Setup (1/10) – This is a very narrow club with a tiny (unused) stage in the front, a long narrow stage that takes up most of the club, and a small area to stand in the far back. That area is a little tough to get to since the main stage fills up most of the area that you have to walk through to get to the back. Also, there's not really anywhere to sit other than one table in the back, the stage, or along a wall and the place just generally seems like a dump.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – Silky's seems to be safe enough, but I find it to be depressing. It's just a lot of douchebag guys in their early 20's who don't know that nudity does not automatically equal awesome. The free beer can help you overlook some of the club's shortcomings, but I'd have to drink a dangerous amount to ever have a good time here.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Silky's is right down the street from Club Erotica and is an easy drive from downtown Pittsburgh.
Overall – It's rare for me to recommend against visiting a club that offers the best dances in any given city, but the girls at Silky's are so unattractive that I can't justify ever going back. I guess that if you're only interested in lap dances and you're ready for a club visit before prime clubbing time, it might be worth stopping by to see if you can spend some quality time with one of the few attractive ladies. Otherwise, it's just not worth competing with a room full of guys for the attention of girls who look this bad.
RAW SCORE = 39
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – I've been less than impressed with the ladies that I've seen at Silky's. During my first vist, I saw one really hot dancer, one who wasn't too bad, two who were about a decade past their sell-by date, and two who were just disgusting. The elderly contingent was missing during my second visit, but the other proportions were about the same. I'm usually fine with sacrificing the quality of dancers for the quality of dances, but it's just ridiculous at this place. And good luck getting the really hot one or even the not-too-bad one away from the other customers long enough to get a dance.
Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – I've seen about a half dozen girls working during both of my weekend night visits. That wouldn't normally be too terrible, but since I was part of a fire code defying number of customers, the ratio makes it almost impossible to get a dance unless you come often enough for the girls to know you.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – I've seen one non-white girl total in two visits. There was at least a little size variation, but since they usually don't have more than one genuinely attractive girl working at a time, you're out of luck if that one attractive girl isn't your type. The one girl's teeth pointed in a variety of directions, but that's not really what I'm looking for in this category.
Attitude of Dancers (4/10) – I've seen several ladies who spent most of their time talking to their friends who showed up to watch them dance and the majority of dancers seemed annoyed to have to deal with customers. When I finally did get a chance to talk to anyone, the VIP room sales pitch was almost immediate, though it was at least fairly mild as far as sales pitches go. There are just so many guys per girl, at least during busy times, that they really don't have a reason to keep customers happy.
Value (8/10) – Since the four or five beers on tap are free, you really can't beat the $10 cover with fairly solid stage shows, and dances aren't too bad at $20 each either.
Dance Setup (1.5/10) – There are six couches lined up facing the same direction on the 2nd floor of the club. Since they all face a bouncer who sits at a desk in the front of the room, you almost feel like you're in class and he's the teacher. Thankfully, he rarely takes a peak, and none of the other dancers or customers can see you if you're on one of the two couches in the back, but it takes the fun out of grabbing titties when you feel like you're going to get sent to after school detention.
Club Setup (1/10) – This is a very narrow club with a tiny (unused) stage in the front, a long narrow stage that takes up most of the club, and a small area to stand in the far back. That area is a little tough to get to since the main stage fills up most of the area that you have to walk through to get to the back. Also, there's not really anywhere to sit other than one table in the back, the stage, or along a wall and the place just generally seems like a dump.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – Silky's seems to be safe enough, but I find it to be depressing. It's just a lot of douchebag guys in their early 20's who don't know that nudity does not automatically equal awesome. The free beer can help you overlook some of the club's shortcomings, but I'd have to drink a dangerous amount to ever have a good time here.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Silky's is right down the street from Club Erotica and is an easy drive from downtown Pittsburgh.
Overall – It's rare for me to recommend against visiting a club that offers the best dances in any given city, but the girls at Silky's are so unattractive that I can't justify ever going back. I guess that if you're only interested in lap dances and you're ready for a club visit before prime clubbing time, it might be worth stopping by to see if you can spend some quality time with one of the few attractive ladies. Otherwise, it's just not worth competing with a room full of guys for the attention of girls who look this bad.
RAW SCORE = 39
Thursday, June 9, 2011
The Cheetah (Atlanta, GA)
Quality of Dances (1/20) – There are many things that I like about The Cheetah, but the lapdances aren't one of them. These dances are basically just a stage show at your table, because there's absolutely no contact between customers and dancers.
Quality of Dancers (9.5/10) – There are a fair number of implants and several barely-there tits (which, for the record, are preferable to implants), but most of the girls at The Cheetah are blazingly hot. This place has some of the hottest dancers on the east coast and easily the hottest white girls in the city.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – There are always plenty of girls in the building, as evidenced by the fact that they have three or four girls on stage at a time and they don't repeat girls frequntly. If they'd all stay out on the floor, they'd have a near perfect score here, but the majority of the girls disappear when they aren't on stage, so the customer to dancer ratio can be unfavorable when they're busy. That's not a huge problem since lapdances are a waste of time anyway, but I still have to dock them a few points for it.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – It's rare to find a club with this much variety of quality dancers. Most of the girls are white and relatively thin, but I also saw several attractive thick girls, a few Asians, a few Latinas and some black dancers. And since they have at least three girls on stage at a time, you should pretty much always have a few different types of dancers to ogle at any given time.
Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – Most of the ladies seem to be appreciative of tips, but the disappearing act while not on stage keeps interaction between customers and dancers to a minimum.
Value (3/10) – The stage value is fairly poor, since they have strange rules that require dancers to stay clothed until they get $5 and to keep their bottoms on until they get $10 in tips. Drinks are also slightly high side at $6, and if you want to sit at one of the tables around the outside of the club, that will cost you $25. A much better option is to go to the Alluvia restaurant corner of the club, where you get a table for free if you're eating a meal. The fried chicken breast is delicious, costs $4 less than one of the non-dinner tables, and allows you to have dinner with a view.
Dance Setup (0/10) – The air dances are right out in the open wherever you happen to be sitting. That's not a big deal for me since I refuse to pay for airdances, but it still sucks.
Club Setup (6.5/10) – The is a large club with seating in the middle and two small bars and three stages toward the walls. Two of those stages are fairly standard, but the staircase leading down to the main stage adds some elegance. The best places to sit are at the tables and booths in the raised areas at opposite ends of the club, but as mentioned above, those seats come at a premium. My biggest complaint about the setup, though, is the statues beside the stage. I'm sure that the club owner thought that they looked impressive, but you know what would have made them even more impressive? If they hadn't been statues of naked dudes.
Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – The Cheetah is, by far, the classiest club in Atlanta. It's safe, clean and basically feels like a restaurant (even if you aren't in their restaurant). Whether or not that's a good thing depends on what you're looking for, but I enjoy it early in the evening when I'm looking to relax. Once I'm ready to up the alcohol intake, I head elsewhere because there isn't much of a party vibe here. Overall, though, it's a fun place to hang out for an hour or two.
Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – The Cheetah is in downtown Atlanta near the Georgia Tech campus. It isn't bad to get to by cab, but I have to highly recommend giving their limo driver a call and having him pick you up. It's free, but you should tip around $20 if you have a small group or a little more if you've got a large group. If he's not busy, he's usually even be willing to take you from the club to your next destination, as long as that next destination isn't another club.
Overall – If the Cheetah had even mediocre lap dances, it would be a great club. If you care less about lap dances than I do, you may even think that it's already a great club. Air dances just kill a strip club for me. Luckily, the fried chicken is so good that I was able to look at The Cheetah as a restaurant experience as much as a strip club experience, and in that context, it excelled. I've eaten in some exotic locations, but I've never had a better view for a meal than at this place. Since I was busy eating, the lack of lap dances didn't affect me. Basically, if you don't care about dances, you should go to The Cheetah because you'll enjoy it. And if you do care about dances, you should go to Alluvia at The Cheetah for a bite to eat, then head elsewhere to get your lapdance fix.
RAW SCORE = 44
Quality of Dancers (9.5/10) – There are a fair number of implants and several barely-there tits (which, for the record, are preferable to implants), but most of the girls at The Cheetah are blazingly hot. This place has some of the hottest dancers on the east coast and easily the hottest white girls in the city.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – There are always plenty of girls in the building, as evidenced by the fact that they have three or four girls on stage at a time and they don't repeat girls frequntly. If they'd all stay out on the floor, they'd have a near perfect score here, but the majority of the girls disappear when they aren't on stage, so the customer to dancer ratio can be unfavorable when they're busy. That's not a huge problem since lapdances are a waste of time anyway, but I still have to dock them a few points for it.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – It's rare to find a club with this much variety of quality dancers. Most of the girls are white and relatively thin, but I also saw several attractive thick girls, a few Asians, a few Latinas and some black dancers. And since they have at least three girls on stage at a time, you should pretty much always have a few different types of dancers to ogle at any given time.
Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – Most of the ladies seem to be appreciative of tips, but the disappearing act while not on stage keeps interaction between customers and dancers to a minimum.
Value (3/10) – The stage value is fairly poor, since they have strange rules that require dancers to stay clothed until they get $5 and to keep their bottoms on until they get $10 in tips. Drinks are also slightly high side at $6, and if you want to sit at one of the tables around the outside of the club, that will cost you $25. A much better option is to go to the Alluvia restaurant corner of the club, where you get a table for free if you're eating a meal. The fried chicken breast is delicious, costs $4 less than one of the non-dinner tables, and allows you to have dinner with a view.
Dance Setup (0/10) – The air dances are right out in the open wherever you happen to be sitting. That's not a big deal for me since I refuse to pay for airdances, but it still sucks.
Club Setup (6.5/10) – The is a large club with seating in the middle and two small bars and three stages toward the walls. Two of those stages are fairly standard, but the staircase leading down to the main stage adds some elegance. The best places to sit are at the tables and booths in the raised areas at opposite ends of the club, but as mentioned above, those seats come at a premium. My biggest complaint about the setup, though, is the statues beside the stage. I'm sure that the club owner thought that they looked impressive, but you know what would have made them even more impressive? If they hadn't been statues of naked dudes.
Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – The Cheetah is, by far, the classiest club in Atlanta. It's safe, clean and basically feels like a restaurant (even if you aren't in their restaurant). Whether or not that's a good thing depends on what you're looking for, but I enjoy it early in the evening when I'm looking to relax. Once I'm ready to up the alcohol intake, I head elsewhere because there isn't much of a party vibe here. Overall, though, it's a fun place to hang out for an hour or two.
Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – The Cheetah is in downtown Atlanta near the Georgia Tech campus. It isn't bad to get to by cab, but I have to highly recommend giving their limo driver a call and having him pick you up. It's free, but you should tip around $20 if you have a small group or a little more if you've got a large group. If he's not busy, he's usually even be willing to take you from the club to your next destination, as long as that next destination isn't another club.
Overall – If the Cheetah had even mediocre lap dances, it would be a great club. If you care less about lap dances than I do, you may even think that it's already a great club. Air dances just kill a strip club for me. Luckily, the fried chicken is so good that I was able to look at The Cheetah as a restaurant experience as much as a strip club experience, and in that context, it excelled. I've eaten in some exotic locations, but I've never had a better view for a meal than at this place. Since I was busy eating, the lack of lap dances didn't affect me. Basically, if you don't care about dances, you should go to The Cheetah because you'll enjoy it. And if you do care about dances, you should go to Alluvia at The Cheetah for a bite to eat, then head elsewhere to get your lapdance fix.
RAW SCORE = 44
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Acropolis (Portland, OR)
Quality of Dances (6/20) – For a place that advertises no hustle and a more relaxing atmosphere, they may as well say “don’t bother getting a dance, no one else does.” I was there for two hours, and not a single of the 100+ customers got a dance (including me). That said, it’s hard to imagine they’re anything but the standard Portland “no touching” dance, where she can touch you but you need to act like a cadaver, so I’m going to give them my perceived score.
Quality of Dancers (5/10) – Everyone here was decent but forgettable, save for the tattooed brunette whose hair was straight out of a Mad Max movie. Kind of a mullet, kind of a mohawk (mulhawk?). Decent bodies, but no girls appeared to be contestants on The Biggest Loser. The Acropolis sported the only two sets of fakies on my Portland tour. A terrible shame; I was really hoping to bat 1.000 on the naturals during my trip.
Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Six girls at 7pm on Saturday, with a fresh eight girls on hand at 9pm seems low but not terrible, however when there are dozens upon dozens of dudes surrounding the stages at all times, there is no way to get your groove on. The bouncer told me they cap the ladies at eight because “that’s how we get the most beautiful girls in Portland.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him he had a sub-par group for Portland. I don’t care if you advertise no hustle, eight girls vs. close to 100 guys in a place you call a “strip club” is unacceptable.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (.5/5) – There was more diversity in the female patrons than there was on stage. All white brunettes with a few fake bombs is not any kind of variety.
Attitude of Dancers (5/10) – They seem happy to dance their sets and not need to solicit for lapdances, so . . . good? The lack of interaction means it’s hard to gauge attitude, but I can’t help wanting a little more personality engagement. Guys fill the stage stools with dollars consistently, so the strippers make the vast majority of their money on the four stages.
Value (7/10) – The cover being $5 is a bit annoying since a lot of other Portland clubs are free. A lamb gyro with fries for $3, steak tips for $3.75 and $10 or $11 pitchers for many of the 51 beers on tap is beyond glorious as far as food and drink go. Dances are $20, but no one gets them. The only big drawback is that stage value is non-existent and girls don’t walk around the club at all. You only see them on stage as they are not allowed by club policy to solicit dances while not on stage. Since there are always 25 drooling horn balls sitting there, there’s no incentive for the dancer to do anything except get naked and walk around collecting dollars.
Dance Setup (0/10) – There is a small area near the entrance for dances, but literally everyone can see you in the bright lights and the chairs are only big enough for midgets to be comfortable. You may as well get a dance on stage with 20 of your buddies watching you pop wood.
Club Setup (2.5/10) – The club is set up for you to eat cheap but good food, and drink cheap but good beer. But almost all the seats are at the stages themselves, so unless you want to be munching on steak one second and reaching into your pocket the next, it’s awkward. Four stages take up the majority of the club, with minimal extra seating that can view the main stage and a little bit of bar seating that isn’t convenient to view anything.
Club Atmosphere (5/10) – I don’t want to be completely uncharitable even though I don’t really consider this to be a “strip club.” You could call it an rich man’s Hooters, if Hooters made massive upgrades to their food, drinks, and had their women get naked. Maybe that works for some people, and for those people I say enjoy.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – It’s almost three miles to a bus stop, but at only about five miles south of downtown, it’s a short cab ride or an easy drive. The club is right on the highway, so there’s no missing it.
Overall – I love a good deal on food and drink, but I also love a strip club that feels like a strip club. This is not one. My friend/driver/forward scout in the Portland area likes more stage action and less dancer interaction, but even he thought the number of girls was low and the quality was lacking. If you’re in need of red meat and beer, and you would like to casually view some boobies while you’re at it, this is an okay joint. If you want any kind of erotic atmosphere, you’ll need to look elsewhere.
RAW SCORE = 35
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Club Erotica (McKees Rocks, PA)
Quality of Dances (10.5/20) – Two-way contact is allowed so long as you tip appropriately and the bed-style setup should be amazing, but the fact that there's absolutely no privacy makes it tough to relax and enjoy these dances too much. I was almost glad that the ladies don't provide much of a grind since I wasn't in the mood to show off for all of the other customers in the room.
The other big drawback of these dances is that you don't have any interaction with the girls beforehand, so you might end up with someone who you just have zero chemistry with. To get a dance, you go upstairs without the girl, then tell the dj who you want and he calls her up. She gets no say in who she dances for and you don't get to feel out how into it she'll be, except at the stage. One girl that I got a dance from came up the stairs and wandered around for a bit before realizing that I was the guy who had purchased her services. I couldn't fill her in either since I had no idea who she was - I'd just told the dj to hook me up with a good one. Once she realized that she'd be dancing for me, she said, "thank god it's you...I thought it was one of those black guys." I don't support that kind of racist attitude, but it sucks for the girls who get stuck dancing for guys that they're uncomfortable with and it sucks for the unwanted customers who just dropped $20 for a girl to go through the motions.
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – These ladies are really hot, and on any given night, may be the hottest in Pittsburgh. On other nights, Cheerleaders might edge them out, but I doubt that you'll ever be disappointed in the ladies in here.
Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – There are several girls on stage at a time, but they have insanely long stage sets, so you're out of luck for awhile if you don't like the girls that you see. Plus, I have no idea where the ladies go when they're off stage, but they certainly aren't working the crowd.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of the dancers are relatively thin white chicks. There were also a few thicker girls and one or two black dancers, but overall, the variety is adequate at best.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – These ladies were all very friendly, telling me some great stories about Penguins and Steelers players who are regulars. Let's just say that Maxime Talbot doesn't only get the superstar treatment while shopping for cars. I also enjoyed the one girl's response when I asked about the Pirates: "They probably come in, but no one in Pittsburgh would recognize them anyway." The reason that they lose points is that you only really interact with the dancers while you're getting a dance. A bouncer even escorts the girls while they walk from one stage to another, apparently to keep customers from talking to them.
Value (3/10) – You can't beat the beer value since you just pay $1 for the cup then drink for free. It's their ingenious but borderline illegal way around the fact that they don't have a liquor license. Unfortunately, nothing else is nearly as good of a deal. Dances are $20, but the girls let you know that you're welcome to tip if you enjoy them. The real killer, though, is that they have a $20 cover on top of the $5 mandatory valet, and they wouldn't budge on either fee even though they were closing in an hour and I parked my car myself. Greedy bastards.
Dance Setup (2/10) – The dances are given on bed-style benches kind of like what they have at Little Darlings in Las Vegas. Sadly, the "beds" at Club Erotica are right out in the open and the room is very bright, so the bouncer and everyone else on the second floor of the club can watch you. Whereas the "beds" at Little Darlings make for amazing dances, they just make for an awkward experience here since you're laying down in a room full of dudes.
Club Setup (3/10) – The main area of the club is on the first floor of the building, and it has somewhat of a warehouse feel. It's basically just a big rectangular room with four stages and not much else. They have one large kidney shaped stage, 2 smaller stages and 1 tiny stage in the corner. That means there's plenty of stage-side seating, but there better be since there's nowhere else to sit.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – I really wasn't feeling this place. They only played 80's music while I was there, but I hope/assume that it was some kind of theme night. Worse yet, the insanely long stage sets and the way that the bouncers escorts girls around just make this a poor place to hang out. It seems to be fairly popular, but mostly with the young jackass crowd.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – This place isn't far from downtown Pittsburgh and wouldn't be a bad cab ride to get to, plus it's right down the street from Silky's. You probably won't be staying right by Club Erotica, but it's still easy to get to, and they have plenty of parking. Even if it is valet only.
Overall – Club Erotica has some of the hottest dancers around, but, for me, that's just not enough to make up for lackluster lapdances, no dancer-customer interaction and plastic cup beers. If attractive dancers were my top priority, I'd much prefer Cheerleaders in Pittsburgh-proper. I would say that Club Erotica may be worth a look if you're already right down the street at Silky's, but even that can't be justified due to the $20 cover and mandatory valet. The bottom line is that, even though Club Erotica isn't a terrible club, I just don't see myself ever going back.
RAW SCORE = 40.5
The other big drawback of these dances is that you don't have any interaction with the girls beforehand, so you might end up with someone who you just have zero chemistry with. To get a dance, you go upstairs without the girl, then tell the dj who you want and he calls her up. She gets no say in who she dances for and you don't get to feel out how into it she'll be, except at the stage. One girl that I got a dance from came up the stairs and wandered around for a bit before realizing that I was the guy who had purchased her services. I couldn't fill her in either since I had no idea who she was - I'd just told the dj to hook me up with a good one. Once she realized that she'd be dancing for me, she said, "thank god it's you...I thought it was one of those black guys." I don't support that kind of racist attitude, but it sucks for the girls who get stuck dancing for guys that they're uncomfortable with and it sucks for the unwanted customers who just dropped $20 for a girl to go through the motions.
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – These ladies are really hot, and on any given night, may be the hottest in Pittsburgh. On other nights, Cheerleaders might edge them out, but I doubt that you'll ever be disappointed in the ladies in here.
Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – There are several girls on stage at a time, but they have insanely long stage sets, so you're out of luck for awhile if you don't like the girls that you see. Plus, I have no idea where the ladies go when they're off stage, but they certainly aren't working the crowd.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of the dancers are relatively thin white chicks. There were also a few thicker girls and one or two black dancers, but overall, the variety is adequate at best.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – These ladies were all very friendly, telling me some great stories about Penguins and Steelers players who are regulars. Let's just say that Maxime Talbot doesn't only get the superstar treatment while shopping for cars. I also enjoyed the one girl's response when I asked about the Pirates: "They probably come in, but no one in Pittsburgh would recognize them anyway." The reason that they lose points is that you only really interact with the dancers while you're getting a dance. A bouncer even escorts the girls while they walk from one stage to another, apparently to keep customers from talking to them.
Value (3/10) – You can't beat the beer value since you just pay $1 for the cup then drink for free. It's their ingenious but borderline illegal way around the fact that they don't have a liquor license. Unfortunately, nothing else is nearly as good of a deal. Dances are $20, but the girls let you know that you're welcome to tip if you enjoy them. The real killer, though, is that they have a $20 cover on top of the $5 mandatory valet, and they wouldn't budge on either fee even though they were closing in an hour and I parked my car myself. Greedy bastards.
Dance Setup (2/10) – The dances are given on bed-style benches kind of like what they have at Little Darlings in Las Vegas. Sadly, the "beds" at Club Erotica are right out in the open and the room is very bright, so the bouncer and everyone else on the second floor of the club can watch you. Whereas the "beds" at Little Darlings make for amazing dances, they just make for an awkward experience here since you're laying down in a room full of dudes.
Club Setup (3/10) – The main area of the club is on the first floor of the building, and it has somewhat of a warehouse feel. It's basically just a big rectangular room with four stages and not much else. They have one large kidney shaped stage, 2 smaller stages and 1 tiny stage in the corner. That means there's plenty of stage-side seating, but there better be since there's nowhere else to sit.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – I really wasn't feeling this place. They only played 80's music while I was there, but I hope/assume that it was some kind of theme night. Worse yet, the insanely long stage sets and the way that the bouncers escorts girls around just make this a poor place to hang out. It seems to be fairly popular, but mostly with the young jackass crowd.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – This place isn't far from downtown Pittsburgh and wouldn't be a bad cab ride to get to, plus it's right down the street from Silky's. You probably won't be staying right by Club Erotica, but it's still easy to get to, and they have plenty of parking. Even if it is valet only.
Overall – Club Erotica has some of the hottest dancers around, but, for me, that's just not enough to make up for lackluster lapdances, no dancer-customer interaction and plastic cup beers. If attractive dancers were my top priority, I'd much prefer Cheerleaders in Pittsburgh-proper. I would say that Club Erotica may be worth a look if you're already right down the street at Silky's, but even that can't be justified due to the $20 cover and mandatory valet. The bottom line is that, even though Club Erotica isn't a terrible club, I just don't see myself ever going back.
RAW SCORE = 40.5
Sunday, May 22, 2011
La Vie en Proost (Amsterdam)
Quality of Dances (11/20) – If you assumed that these dances would be super aggressive so that La Vie en Proost could try to compete with the surrounding booth girls, you assumed wrong. The dancers straddle customers and encourage tit grabbing, but there's little to no grind. I did at least like that you get to choose between sticking with the standard topless dance or upgrading to a nude dance for twice the price. Overall though, these dances aren't actually that bad, but the fact that there's no grind combined with the knowledge that girls are banging in the booths five feet from the front door to the club makes them an underwhelming experience.
Quality of Dancers (5.5/10) – There seems to be a much higher percentage of old girls and fake tits in this place than in the booths surrounding it. The girls still aren't bad, and one or two are actually very attractive, but it's strange to be in a city where adult entertainers prefer to be prostitutes but switch to stripping if they want to remain in the adult industry but can't compete. That's basically the opposite of every other city that I've ever been too.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – There are significantly more dancers than customers during the day, and even though it can get packed with guys later in the evening, there are still plenty of girls.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – All of the ladies that I saw at La Vie en Proost were white, though there was at least some variation in age, size, hair color and implant style. Whether you're a fan of silicone or saline, you're in luck.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – These ladies seem friendly enough, but they're really hard on the sale and will be more than willing to hustle you if you let them. For example, many of them won't tell you how much the dances cost, instead saying, "just give me what you think I'm worth." Of course, they'll be happy to let you know how much the dances cost if you think they're worth less than 10 Euros for topless dances or 20 Euros for nude dances.
Value (3/10) – The cover is a reasonable €5, but €6.50 beers and €10 (topless) or €20 (nude) dances mean that if you pay the cover, buy a drink, and get 2 nude dances, you'll have just blown more money in 6 minutes than you'd have spend to get blown for 15 minutes anywhere else in town. Assuming 3 minutes per dance, the the topless dances are the same price per minute as the surrounding fuck sessions, and they're a bargain compared to the nude dances. Even if you aren't into prostitutes, the result is that you feel like a sucker for paying these prices.
Dance Setup (0/10) – You get your dance on the stool that you're already sitting on at stage side. Unlike all the other clubs I've ever been too, the girls who are on stage rather than the girls circulating the club are the ones who are ready to give dances. They just slide off of the stage onto your lap. It's pretty much the least private dance imaginable. And it's even worse if you aren't lucky enough to get one of the stools.
Club Setup (2.5/10) – This is a small, narrow club with 2 bars with wide tops for the girls to dance on. Unfortunately, there isn't anywhere to sit other than the bar stools at the stages, so, at night, most of the customers have no choice but to stand.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The crowd here is mostly made up of the same douchebags who end up at the peep shows, but what else are you going to do if you want good clean (relative to the surroundings) personal interaction with a naked lady in this town. Still, this place isn't too seedy and is small enough that you can really make your own atmosphere if you're with a decent sized group of guys.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – This place is in the heart of the best part of the Red Light District, so if you're checking out the girls in the windows, you'll be nearby. It's a little hard to find if you don't know what you're looking for, but just head down the tiny alley (Trompettersteeg) by the Bulldog Coffeeshop near the Oude Kerk and you'll walk right into it. Just don't turn too soon at La Vie en Rose, because that's not the club. That's just a very shady group of booths right outside of the club, but I wouldn't recommend going in there at night unless you have a very tight grip on your wallet.
Overall – La Vie en Proost isn't a good strip club, but it's the only game in town, so it may be worth considering if you're in Amsterdam for a guys' weekend and aren't up for actually banging a prostitute. Just be careful with your cash because hustling ladies and a city full of weed and alcohol is a combination that can quickly lead to an empty wallet.
RAW SCORE = 40.5
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Pleasant Moments (Bridgeport, CT)
UPDATE: Pleasant Moments was closed for much of 2011, but it's now open again and is the same as ever.
Quality of Dances (17/20) – I hate to implicate a club in illegal activities, so I'll start this off by saying that not every girl offered extras (maybe they would have if I'd talked to them, but who can be sure?) and I didn't see any signs that the bartender or bouncer knew about or condoned what the girls were offering. Plus, they have a sign in the bathroom reminding customers that they'll be asked to leave if they're caught doing drugs, so you know the club is on the up and up. Having said that, several girls were shocked to find out that I actually wanted a dance since I guess not many customers at Pleasant Moments are looking for that. Still, they all gave a good effort and were happy to do as much or as little as I wanted them to. The one girl was even apologetic for her less than skilled dance moves, saying, "sorry, I don't not how to dance to this Spanish music - I usually just suck dick to it." I had to knock them down a few points because the high chairs can make the contact awkward (more on that below), but these are still great dances.
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – I've seen a few really hot girls and a lot of not so hot girls, but just about everyone in this place looks a little worn out. Still, I've always managed to find at least one girl worth getting a dance from on any given night, and if you're into thick girls, you should find a lot more than that.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – Pleasant Moments isn't a large club, but there usually aren't more than about 2 customers for every dancer except on weekend nights, so you won't have any problem getting one for a dance. Unfortunately, the number of dancers is usually in the single digits, and the number of hot dancers is usually in the low single digits, so you might have a hard time finding one you like. Or, worse yet, you may have to wait for a girl that you like to finish up a dance with another customer, and considering what goes on during many of the "dances," that can be fairly disconcerting.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – They have thick, thin, black, and Latina dancers, but you're pretty much out of luck if you're into white ladies. There is one who's there most of the time, but I just can't bring myself to get a dance from someone who I know has spent too much time in this place.
Attitude of Dancers (5.5/10) – A few of the ladies are a little strung out (I guess they missed the "no drugs allowed" sign), but they're actually very friendly for the most part. The combination of friendly girls and the aggressive dances means that I've never had an easier time turning girls down. If you just say, "sorry, I just had one," almost all of the ladies will say something along the lines of, "ooohhhh, maybe in a half hour or so, then?" The closest that I got to a bad attitude was one girl who pissily asked me, "what am i supposed to do with these tissues if we're not fucking?" My question is, what were you going to do with those tissues if we were fucking? Personally, I'd prefer a condom. Also, unsurprisingly, this place has had some issues with the Bridgeport Police Department, so if you're white and are dressed in business apparel, you better be seen drinking alcohol the second you walk in, or the girls will disappear. I don't usually drink water in clubs, but I made an exception here because I figured the bottles would be the cleanest things the place. Only one girl approached me until I switched to beer, then it was open season.
Value (6.5/10) – The cover charge is $5, Coronas are $5.50 (that's all anyone drinks) and the stage value is off the charts if you're the kind of guy who likes to grope a girl out in the open. The real value though comes from the lapdances, which are about the most contact you'll ever get for $20. And if you're looking for a "dance" rather than a dance, that's a disturbingly cheap $60 from most of the ladies.
Dance Setup (7/10) – Dances are given in individual tiny rooms with doors that close and lock. The only real downsides are the sticky floors and the uncomforable stools that you know people fuck on. They're just too high off the floor for a proper lapdance, though I imagine that they're not coincidentally the perfect height for using to bend someone over.
Club Setup (0/10) – This place is a shithole. There's a large bar with a decent view of the shitty eye-level stage, then there's a raised area off to the side where there are a few stage-side seats and 2 pool tables. I enjoyed that they have ice in the urinals because few things are more fun that melting that while drunk, but if a ghetto way to save money on urinal cakes is the highlight of a club, that's a bad sign.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – If you feel a need to remind customers that drugs are not allowed, you know there are some shady characters around. I've surprisingly never felt that I was in danger while in Pleasant Moments, but that's primarily due to the fact that everyone is thoroughly patted down upon entering the club. Still, the shady atmosphere and the constant questions about whether I'm a cop add up to a poor atmosphere, but I doubt that even this club's biggest fans really enjoy hanging out here. You come here to cum here, and that's about it.
Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – I don't know my way around Bridgeport enough to say whether there are mass transit options, but you'd probably want to be able to get out of here at a moment's notice anyway, so you'll be driving to Pleasant Moments. It isn't in a great neighborhood, but at least you can park close enough to the club that you shouldn't really need to worry about your car.
Overall – I'm all about aggressive lap dances, but Pleasant Moments is just too dirty, literally and figuratively, to justify me stopping by. If you're interested in more than dances, that may change the equation for you, but you should definitely be careful with this place. Police busted the club in late 2010 and both dancers and customers were arrested, so I have to think it's only a matter of time until it's raided again or shut down permanently.
RAW SCORE = 45.5
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Feature Dancer: Little Lupe Fuentes
First of all, I hate feature dancers. More often than not, they're over-the-hill pornstars with terrible fake tits, they're magnets for large groups of meatheads, they either don't give lapdances or they give shitty lapdances for somewhere around $100, and you have to pay 2 to 4 times the usual cover just to get into the club. And I hate pornstars whose big selling point is that they look like little girls. Wearing your hair in pigtails does not make you look young; it just makes you look like a sad 20-something who isn't hot enough to get by in the world of porn without a gimmick. So when you combine my dislike of feature dancers with my distast for faux-teens, you'd think that spending a Saturday night at the Crazy Horse with Little Lupe Fuentes would be pretty far down my list of things to do. Well you'd normally be right, but Lupe has been the only part of the Howard Stern show that I've consistently enjoyed over the last year, so I decided to stop by just to hear that voice come out of a real person.
I was in the area all day, but my time was limited, so I stopped by the club in the early evening to find out what time the shows would be starting. I was told that the three shows would start at 9:30, 11:30 and 1:30. I showed up around 11:15 for the second show, but after paying the ridiculous $20 cover, was told that Lupe had just gotten off stage and wouldn't be dancing again until 1 am. I don't know whether the schedule change was the club's fault or Lupe's fault, but I wasn't too pleased about having to decide between wasting $20 and wasting 2 hours of my time. In the end, I decided that since I'd already spent the money, I'd just stick it out and kill some time with the regular dancers. According to them, the club had been dead all night because the $20 cover was keeping out everyone other than a few Howard Stern fans and a few borderline pedophiles. Basically, these weren't your usual go to a strip club and buy a dance kind of guys. I did my best to make up for it to the point where, by 1 o'clock, I was probably 10 times further in the hole than I would have been if I'd been willing to waste the initial $20 and walk out as soon as I walked in. Oh well. It wasn't the first and I'm sure it won't be the last time I make that mistake.
Anyway, right at 1 am, the DJ announced for all 2 dozen or so patrons to head over to the Lounge half of the club for the Little Lupe performance. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Crazy Horse, the main area is just topless, but the Crazy Horse Lounge is fully nude. Lupe came out wearing a bikini and a feather boa and did a 30 second tease before losing the top, but there really wasn't much of a performance to it. She basically just walked and crawled around the stage for the first song, then she did one spin around the pole and took off her bottoms during the second song. She stayed on stage for a song or two after that, but didn't really do much of anything other than hold pictures of herself in her mouth and give them to the customers who gave the biggest tips. Sadly, I was one of them, with my 4 singles on the stage. Then she did the same thing with a DVD. Again, I was the high bidder with $3 out there. I'm not sure if the lack of tips contributed to her attitude, or if her attitude contributed to the lack of tips, but she did not look happy to be up on stage. She rarely looked at the crowd, never smiled, and just generally seemed to be going through the motions. Of course, maybe she was nervous or has no dance skills, or maybe I was projecting my discomfort due to the fact that she looks like she's about 14, but the whole scene was fairly sad.
After the show, Lupe hung out for a while and signed pictures and DVDs. I think she was charging for that, but I didn't really want a signed porn star picture (I'd already given my free picture and DVD away to one of the cheap creepers who wasn't willing to throw a few bills on the stage), so I passed on that opportunity. I did at least get a chance to say hello to her, and she was all smiles and seemed more like the fun loving girl from the Stern show than the distant ice queen from the stage. I wouldn't have paid the usual $100 feature dancer lap dance price anyway, but it was kind of a bummer that she didn't offer them, because it made it all the more clear that she didn't want to interact with her fans. Of course, since half of her fans look like they probably spend most of their time trying to hand out free candy to schoolchildren, it's hard to blame her too much for not wanting to interact with them.
Overall, the performance was somewhat of a disappointment, but it was probably worth the $20 and a few singles to put a face to the sound drops that I hear every morning on the radio. If you aren't a Stern fan though, I don't think there's any reason to bother going to see Little Lupe in person. I don't mean that as an insult to Lupe, because, like every other pornstar out there, she'd have had to really go above and beyond to make it worth going to see a feature dancer. It's just that, like 99% of the pornstars out there, Lupe didn't.
I was in the area all day, but my time was limited, so I stopped by the club in the early evening to find out what time the shows would be starting. I was told that the three shows would start at 9:30, 11:30 and 1:30. I showed up around 11:15 for the second show, but after paying the ridiculous $20 cover, was told that Lupe had just gotten off stage and wouldn't be dancing again until 1 am. I don't know whether the schedule change was the club's fault or Lupe's fault, but I wasn't too pleased about having to decide between wasting $20 and wasting 2 hours of my time. In the end, I decided that since I'd already spent the money, I'd just stick it out and kill some time with the regular dancers. According to them, the club had been dead all night because the $20 cover was keeping out everyone other than a few Howard Stern fans and a few borderline pedophiles. Basically, these weren't your usual go to a strip club and buy a dance kind of guys. I did my best to make up for it to the point where, by 1 o'clock, I was probably 10 times further in the hole than I would have been if I'd been willing to waste the initial $20 and walk out as soon as I walked in. Oh well. It wasn't the first and I'm sure it won't be the last time I make that mistake.
Anyway, right at 1 am, the DJ announced for all 2 dozen or so patrons to head over to the Lounge half of the club for the Little Lupe performance. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Crazy Horse, the main area is just topless, but the Crazy Horse Lounge is fully nude. Lupe came out wearing a bikini and a feather boa and did a 30 second tease before losing the top, but there really wasn't much of a performance to it. She basically just walked and crawled around the stage for the first song, then she did one spin around the pole and took off her bottoms during the second song. She stayed on stage for a song or two after that, but didn't really do much of anything other than hold pictures of herself in her mouth and give them to the customers who gave the biggest tips. Sadly, I was one of them, with my 4 singles on the stage. Then she did the same thing with a DVD. Again, I was the high bidder with $3 out there. I'm not sure if the lack of tips contributed to her attitude, or if her attitude contributed to the lack of tips, but she did not look happy to be up on stage. She rarely looked at the crowd, never smiled, and just generally seemed to be going through the motions. Of course, maybe she was nervous or has no dance skills, or maybe I was projecting my discomfort due to the fact that she looks like she's about 14, but the whole scene was fairly sad.
After the show, Lupe hung out for a while and signed pictures and DVDs. I think she was charging for that, but I didn't really want a signed porn star picture (I'd already given my free picture and DVD away to one of the cheap creepers who wasn't willing to throw a few bills on the stage), so I passed on that opportunity. I did at least get a chance to say hello to her, and she was all smiles and seemed more like the fun loving girl from the Stern show than the distant ice queen from the stage. I wouldn't have paid the usual $100 feature dancer lap dance price anyway, but it was kind of a bummer that she didn't offer them, because it made it all the more clear that she didn't want to interact with her fans. Of course, since half of her fans look like they probably spend most of their time trying to hand out free candy to schoolchildren, it's hard to blame her too much for not wanting to interact with them.
Overall, the performance was somewhat of a disappointment, but it was probably worth the $20 and a few singles to put a face to the sound drops that I hear every morning on the radio. If you aren't a Stern fan though, I don't think there's any reason to bother going to see Little Lupe in person. I don't mean that as an insult to Lupe, because, like every other pornstar out there, she'd have had to really go above and beyond to make it worth going to see a feature dancer. It's just that, like 99% of the pornstars out there, Lupe didn't.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Studio Octopussy (Montreal, QC)
When the strip clubs and bars shut down at 3am in Montreal, you'll be looking for something else to do before calling it a night, and you'll have a few options.
Some nights, all that you'll want is a big plate of poutine to soak up some of the ridiculous amount of beer that you've ingested. If you don't mind taking a cab, I highly recommend La Banquise. It's open all night and it's god's gift to drunks.
Other nights, you'll consider heading over to the Circus after hours club, but it will be more awkward than fun unless you're much higher than I've ever been.
But eventually, you'll be looking for some more adult entertainment, and since the strip clubs are all closed, you'll have to go to one of the two most elegantly named establishments around - Pussy Corps and Studio Octopussy. I'll save you the suspense and just tell you right now, Pussy Corps isn't even worth considering, so it really comes down to Octopussy or nothing. It's a massage parlor, and since I'm not a massage parlor expert, I'll just tell you what you'll find here and leave it up to you to decide whether or not it's worth your time and money.
When you go through the doorway, you walk up the flight of stairs to a desk where you wait to be greeted by a hostess. The hostess then takes you to a group of couches where you wait for a lineup of girls to be presented to you, one at a time. On a bad night, there might be two or three girls in the lineup, but on a good night there can be upwards of a dozen to chose from. Remembering 10 names and faces (or bodies) is tough for me when I'm sober, but when I'm falling down drunk at 3:30am in Montreal, it's impossible. The key is to remember the first girl's name, then when the second girl come out, immediately decide if she's better or worse than the first girl. If she's better, remember her name and forget about the first girl; if she's worse, don't even bother listening to her name. Then just repeat until the last girl come out and the only name that you remember will be the one that you want.
Unlike at the stereotypical massage parlors in the U.S., most of the girls here are white. There's some variation of body types, but the biggest choice usually comes down to blonde or brunette and implants or real tits. I've never had a problem finding a few girls who look good (enough), but I should point out that my standards aren't all that discriminating by the time I make it to this place. I have a feeling that they may not look as good while sober, but I've never felt the need to test that theory and I doubt that you will either, so it's irrelevant. If you don't like any of the girls who are initially presented, you can pass on all of them and wait for more to become available, but I always prefer to chose one on the first pass so that I'm not as directly forced to think about the fact that some other dude probably just made a bundt cake of the hand that's about to rub my back.
Anyway, once you pick your girl, you'll be taken to a room where you have to pre-pay $55 to the house, after which the girl gives you several options for what type of massage you want. A small tip will get you a regular massage from a fully clothed lady. For $60, the girl will get naked and give you a massage, then oil herself up and rub herself over your back. As far as I know, happy endings are always offered but nothing more is available. I've never asked, so maybe there's more on the menu, but since the girls offer handies without being prompted, I assume that they'd put it out there if they were willing to do more.
Like I said before, I'm not a massage parlor veteran, so it's hard for me to judge the service. Still, it seems adequate to me as long as you're expecting more of a soft touch body rub than a genuine massage. The price also seems fairly reasonable, since a half hour of nude slip and slide comes out to $115 after tip, which breaks down cheaper per minute than the average lap dance. My only caveat regarding the value is that, on more than one occasion, I've laid down on the table, promptly fallen asleep and woken up to find that my wallet is nearly empty. Maybe I spent my money earlier in the evening or maybe the masseuses robbed me, but staying awake is probably a good idea just to be safe. Either way, you'll be happy to know that your bank statement will show a much more legitimate sounding name than "Studio Octopussy" in case you find yourself needing to use their ATM.
The bottom line is that Studio Octopussy isn't for everybody, but if a massage parlor sounds like a good time to you, you'll probably enjoy your visit. And on the bright side, even if you're underwhelmed as you walk out at 4am, Circus will still be going strong until dawn and La Banquise never closes. How can you not love this city?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
George's (Bridgeport, CT)
Quality of Dances (0/20) – If you're going to risk your life to visit a dangerous club in the middle of the ghetto on Iranistan Avenue, that club better have some amazing lapdances. Not only does George's not have amazing lapdances - they have no lapdances. Based on that alone, you should never go here. I'll keep writing in case you're curious, but there's really no point to the rest of this. Don't go to George's!
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – The only girl that I saw here on my lone visit could have been a model in the Latina version of a Lane Bryant catalogue. She had a hot face and would be absolutely blazing if she lost 60 pounds, but as is, she won't really do it for most guys. I like a little something to grab onto during a lap dance, but again, there are no dances, so it's all about the looks here. And 60 extra pounds don't look good.
Number of Dancers (1/10) – The lady who was working when I visited George's only spent a very small fraction of the time dancing. For the most part, she just sat and chatted with a single customer. In fairness to the club, there's no way in hell that I was going to this place at night, so I was there during the day shift, but one girl is not acceptable if a club is open for business.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0/5) – With only one girl working, obviously there was no diversity, and something tells me that all of the dancers would have been Latina or black and fairly large anyway. That "something" is experience with Bridgeport clubs. You're just not going to find many girl next door types in the Bridgeport dive clubs unless you live next door to a weight loss clinic in the ghetto.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – This isn't a terribly useful rating since it's only based on one girl, but like I said above, you shouldn't even be reading this far. In case you are, the girl that was working was reasonably friendly and very apologetic/confused about the lack of dances.
Value (6/10) – There's no cover, so the 2 drink minimum with $4.50 beers is reasonable. If you're lucky enough to see a girl on stage, the action is adequate, but I wouldn't count on getting to witness that unless you're willing to hang out for a while.
Dance Setup (0/10) – No dances equals no dance setup.
Club Setup (1/10) – George's has 2 pool tables, paint peeling off the walls, a cigarette machine (who knew they even still make those?), a large bar that takes up most of the club and a shitty narrow stage along the right side wall. Basically, this place is a dump. And if the main room isn't bad enough for you, the terrible bathroom has a urinal located exactly where a civilized person would stand to wash their hands. Luckily, I doubt that George's gets many of those types stopping by.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – They have a sign on the wall that reads, "What you see, what you hear, when you leave, leave it here," which is really just a slightly more elegantly worded version of "Stop Snitchin'". So that should tell you all that you really need to know about the atmosphere. You'll never really feel safe in here, and based on the cameras pointing outward, your car won't be either. The one positive is that they have good mariache music playing most of the time (seriously, this wasn't the Reggaeton that you hear in clubs; it was the Mariachi music that you hear in a good mexican restaurant), but when the girl came out on stage, it inexplicably changed to the Bee Gee's.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – There's parking across the street, but this is a bad neighborhood that I would advise you to stay away from.
Overall – George's is not worth a visit under any circumstances. Risking your life for a good club is questionable, but risking it for this dump is just begging to become a Darwin Award winner.
TOTAL SCORE = 16.5
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – The only girl that I saw here on my lone visit could have been a model in the Latina version of a Lane Bryant catalogue. She had a hot face and would be absolutely blazing if she lost 60 pounds, but as is, she won't really do it for most guys. I like a little something to grab onto during a lap dance, but again, there are no dances, so it's all about the looks here. And 60 extra pounds don't look good.
Number of Dancers (1/10) – The lady who was working when I visited George's only spent a very small fraction of the time dancing. For the most part, she just sat and chatted with a single customer. In fairness to the club, there's no way in hell that I was going to this place at night, so I was there during the day shift, but one girl is not acceptable if a club is open for business.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0/5) – With only one girl working, obviously there was no diversity, and something tells me that all of the dancers would have been Latina or black and fairly large anyway. That "something" is experience with Bridgeport clubs. You're just not going to find many girl next door types in the Bridgeport dive clubs unless you live next door to a weight loss clinic in the ghetto.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – This isn't a terribly useful rating since it's only based on one girl, but like I said above, you shouldn't even be reading this far. In case you are, the girl that was working was reasonably friendly and very apologetic/confused about the lack of dances.
Value (6/10) – There's no cover, so the 2 drink minimum with $4.50 beers is reasonable. If you're lucky enough to see a girl on stage, the action is adequate, but I wouldn't count on getting to witness that unless you're willing to hang out for a while.
Dance Setup (0/10) – No dances equals no dance setup.
Club Setup (1/10) – George's has 2 pool tables, paint peeling off the walls, a cigarette machine (who knew they even still make those?), a large bar that takes up most of the club and a shitty narrow stage along the right side wall. Basically, this place is a dump. And if the main room isn't bad enough for you, the terrible bathroom has a urinal located exactly where a civilized person would stand to wash their hands. Luckily, I doubt that George's gets many of those types stopping by.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – They have a sign on the wall that reads, "What you see, what you hear, when you leave, leave it here," which is really just a slightly more elegantly worded version of "Stop Snitchin'". So that should tell you all that you really need to know about the atmosphere. You'll never really feel safe in here, and based on the cameras pointing outward, your car won't be either. The one positive is that they have good mariache music playing most of the time (seriously, this wasn't the Reggaeton that you hear in clubs; it was the Mariachi music that you hear in a good mexican restaurant), but when the girl came out on stage, it inexplicably changed to the Bee Gee's.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – There's parking across the street, but this is a bad neighborhood that I would advise you to stay away from.
Overall – George's is not worth a visit under any circumstances. Risking your life for a good club is questionable, but risking it for this dump is just begging to become a Darwin Award winner.
TOTAL SCORE = 16.5
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Cheerleaders (Pittsburgh, PA)
Quality of Dances (12/20) – I’ve found a ton of variation from one girl to the next, but for the most part, these are very solid dances. Tit grabbing was not only tolerated, but was actually encouraged, and more than one girl used her leg and mouth skillfully over the pants. The dances are topless, but many of the girls adjust the bottoms to give you a full view. Some of the other girls give dances that are satisfactory at best, but you should be able to have a decent time if you chose wisely.
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – These ladies are Pittsburgh’s finest, which, surprisingly, is relatively fine. I expected a little more quality control from a place that takes itself as seriously as this place does, but most of the girls were 7’s or 8’s, and the few girls who I’d rate below that were the affirmative action hires, which I’m ok with in a largely white city.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – Cheerleaders’ popularity is their downfall in this category. They have 3 girls on stage at a time during the evening, and they’ve got several more ladies patrolling the crowd, but it can be nearly impossible to get a girl’s attention for a dance due to the large number of customers during prime club hours.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – As far as I can tell, there aren’t a whole lot of Asians or Latinas in Pittsburgh, and the selection at Cheerleaders reflects that. Still, I was happy to see a fair number of black dancers and some size variation in addition to the expected white blonds.
Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – I met a few very friendly dancers at Cheerleader’s, but way too many of them are picky about what customer’s they’ll talk to. I understand that, from their point of view, the club is so packed that even if they piss off 50 guys, 50 other guys will still be willing to drop cash on them. Still, it sucks if a girl you’ve been waiting for passes you by because she assumes that the guy wearing a suit has more money than you. I guess that happens everywhere to some extent, but it was particularly blatant at Cheerleaders. Or maybe I just noticed it more because, on this occasion, I wasn’t the guy in the suit.
Value (1/10) – If you’re going to have a mandatory non-complimentary valet service, you shouldn’t have a cover change. It isn’t so much that it’s expensive, though that plus a beer usually adds up to $20 (it was $25 the night I was there because a fight was on TV), but it really just feels like a scam. As does the requirement to get bottle service or pay a $2 upcharge on beers to sit at one of the tables. The dances are an ok value at $25 and the topless stage action doesn’t cost much due to the distance between the bar and the stages, but I’m knocking them down on this because you’ll walk of here feeling like you got scammed.
Dance Setup (4.5/10) – Dances are given in a separate room from the main area of the club on several individual small benches. The benches are angled so that you’re facing, at most, one or two other benches, and the benches have high backs, so no one will be able to peak over your shoulder. So, overall, it’s fairly solid if the club isn’t too crowded and the girls properly distribute customers. Unfortunately, when the club is crowded, and it usually is, at least one other customer/dancer pair will see what you’re up to.
Club Setup (6/10) – This is a nice club overall with a set of stairs coming down to a center stage and two satellite stages off to the sides. Each of the satellite stages is several feet away from a large bar area, so you get to toss balled up 1’s at the girls and don’t need to tip a whole lot, but interaction with the girls at the stages is non-existent. My biggest complaint, though, is that there aren’t really any tables unless you sit in the bottle service area around the perimeter of the club, but I refuse to do that on principle. On the plus side, they have the often overlooked but always appreciated beer shelves at the urinals. Those things really should be standard at any decent club.
Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – This place is a little on the upscale side, but the vibe is still relatively relaxed and the crowd is good. I probably wouldn’t come here with a large group due to the lack of tables (fuck bottle service), but it’s a solid place to hang and down a beer or two with a few buddies. Be forewarned though, they sell cigars and allow smoking inside, so you may want to take that into consideration if you have to explain your stench to anyone.
Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – Cheerleaders isn’t really within walking distance of most of the places that you’d want to be in Pittsburgh, but it’s not far from anything and is relatively close to the original Primanti Brothers location. I recommend going there after the club though, because you probably won’t feel like having a girl grind on your lap for a while after pastrami, cole slaw and french-fry deliciousness.
TOTAL SCORE = 52
Monday, April 11, 2011
Delilah's (Philadelphia, PA)
Quality of Dances (5.5/20) – The girls mostly give some moderate friction, but having my hands moved immediately from the outsides of a girl's legs is a huge buzzkill, especially when the girls already give off a stuck up vibe. If I can't touch your legs for $20, you won't be getting a second $20.
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – If you're into white girls, you'll have a hard time complaining at the quality of dancers at Delilah's. Basically, other than the hints of Amish inbreeding, it's as close to Spearmint Rhino quality as you'll find on the east coast.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – They've got a ton of dancers, but they lose a few points because there are often so many guys in here that it can be a challenge to get a dance. I've only made one day-shift visit and it was dead in terms of customers and dancers, but the ratio was much more acceptable then.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – Thin, white and mostly blonde works for a lot of guys, and that's a good thing, because that what Delilah's has.
Attitude of dancers (1/10) – One girl walked up to my table and asked if I wanted a dance. I started to say something like, "maybe in a bit, but I want to get a drink first, so check back in a while," but
the girl stormed off about half way through "maybe". Some of the other ones aren't quite as bad, but it's rare to find a girl in Delilah's who isn't full of herself.
Value (4/10) – For an upscale club that takes itself way too seriously, the prices are surprisingly reasonable, with $20 dances and$6 beers. They do have a fairly steep cover (something like $15 on
weekends), but it's waived if you have a ticket to a sporting event or a hotel room key. That's kind of shitty for locals and is the reason that I never visited while living in the area, but it seems to be
standard at the more upscale Philly clubs. There isn't any interaction between customers and dancers at the stage, but the view is great so you can ration your money if you want to just be a spectator.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Thankfully, dances are not given on the main floor because that place can get packed. They're in a separate room that's behind a curtain and is filled with couches. It's not at all
private, but at least the couches are reasonably comfortable.
Club Setup (4/10) – There's a long stage down middle of the club with stairs that come down to it from the Delilahs Club Level. You have to be a member to go up there, (I have no idea what it takes to become a member, but I wasn't interested), but it's sweet how they have girls gyrating around on the stairs while other girls are on the stage. The seating isn't nearly as nice as the stage though. There are a bunch of small tables and a few booths in raised areas along sides of club, but those are mostly reserved for bottle service, so it can be tough to find a seat on nights of big sporting events. Overall, it comes very close to having a solid setup, but you should never have to circle a club 4 times to find a seat that you're immediately tossed from because you're only drinking beer. I like beer, so they can go fuck themselves.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place is very upscale, so depending on your tastes,you might think it's either classy or stuffy. Thanks to the sights, it would be an awesome place to chill and have a few beers after a game, but the atmosphere isn't conducive to that at all. Still, it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a curious girlfriend to a place like this if you want to fool her into thinking that nothing inappropriate goes on at strip clubs.
Club Accessibility (4/5) – Delilah's is along the Delaware River near Penn's Landing right across the street from Dave & Busters. It's walkable from the Center City/South Street areas, but it will be a fairly long walk. If you're going to do it, I'd walk over to Columbus and then walk north to the club, because you'll be bordering on some shady areas if you walk north to Spring Garden and then east to the club.
Overall – This place might be good for a bachelor party with your soon to be father in law or a business meeting, and it might even be an okay place to do some sightseeing before the night really gets started, but the attitudes and stuffiness prevent it from ever being great for anything beyond that.
Total score = 40.5
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – If you're into white girls, you'll have a hard time complaining at the quality of dancers at Delilah's. Basically, other than the hints of Amish inbreeding, it's as close to Spearmint Rhino quality as you'll find on the east coast.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – They've got a ton of dancers, but they lose a few points because there are often so many guys in here that it can be a challenge to get a dance. I've only made one day-shift visit and it was dead in terms of customers and dancers, but the ratio was much more acceptable then.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – Thin, white and mostly blonde works for a lot of guys, and that's a good thing, because that what Delilah's has.
Attitude of dancers (1/10) – One girl walked up to my table and asked if I wanted a dance. I started to say something like, "maybe in a bit, but I want to get a drink first, so check back in a while," but
the girl stormed off about half way through "maybe". Some of the other ones aren't quite as bad, but it's rare to find a girl in Delilah's who isn't full of herself.
Value (4/10) – For an upscale club that takes itself way too seriously, the prices are surprisingly reasonable, with $20 dances and$6 beers. They do have a fairly steep cover (something like $15 on
weekends), but it's waived if you have a ticket to a sporting event or a hotel room key. That's kind of shitty for locals and is the reason that I never visited while living in the area, but it seems to be
standard at the more upscale Philly clubs. There isn't any interaction between customers and dancers at the stage, but the view is great so you can ration your money if you want to just be a spectator.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Thankfully, dances are not given on the main floor because that place can get packed. They're in a separate room that's behind a curtain and is filled with couches. It's not at all
private, but at least the couches are reasonably comfortable.
Club Setup (4/10) – There's a long stage down middle of the club with stairs that come down to it from the Delilahs Club Level. You have to be a member to go up there, (I have no idea what it takes to become a member, but I wasn't interested), but it's sweet how they have girls gyrating around on the stairs while other girls are on the stage. The seating isn't nearly as nice as the stage though. There are a bunch of small tables and a few booths in raised areas along sides of club, but those are mostly reserved for bottle service, so it can be tough to find a seat on nights of big sporting events. Overall, it comes very close to having a solid setup, but you should never have to circle a club 4 times to find a seat that you're immediately tossed from because you're only drinking beer. I like beer, so they can go fuck themselves.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place is very upscale, so depending on your tastes,you might think it's either classy or stuffy. Thanks to the sights, it would be an awesome place to chill and have a few beers after a game, but the atmosphere isn't conducive to that at all. Still, it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a curious girlfriend to a place like this if you want to fool her into thinking that nothing inappropriate goes on at strip clubs.
Club Accessibility (4/5) – Delilah's is along the Delaware River near Penn's Landing right across the street from Dave & Busters. It's walkable from the Center City/South Street areas, but it will be a fairly long walk. If you're going to do it, I'd walk over to Columbus and then walk north to the club, because you'll be bordering on some shady areas if you walk north to Spring Garden and then east to the club.
Overall – This place might be good for a bachelor party with your soon to be father in law or a business meeting, and it might even be an okay place to do some sightseeing before the night really gets started, but the attitudes and stuffiness prevent it from ever being great for anything beyond that.
Total score = 40.5
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Casa Diablo (Portland, OR)
Quality of Dances (9/20) – Not much you can describe here that you don’t already know if you are in Portland. “Full contact” means don’t touch the girls. That no one in this city understands the irony escapes me. I’ve heard rumblings of super-aggressive dances and extras available in this particular place. I figured the rumors were true as we got close, where my driver was laughing so hard at the backwoods way this place looks he almost jumped a curb. The less attractive dancers also seemed to strengthen this reputation, but if there's high mileage, it's reserved for regulars, because I got no hints of extras at all.
Quality of Dancers (3/10) – I was happy to say that this was not the only place I was visiting this particular evening, otherwise I would be really disappointed. Since there are so many clubs in Portland, I can’t pass judgment quite yet, but this was definitely the worst crop of girls in the city thus far. The shining star of the bunch was the bartender, who is topless at all times and is willing to play peek-a-boo with her vagina if you tip well.
Number of Dancers (2/10) – Six girls at 6pm on Saturday night is fine for an in-call bachelor party, but not acceptable here.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – I’ve seen less pasty white color at an Irish family reunion. Body type differences were minimal, but a token redhead adds half a point because no one can turn away a fire bush. Other than one chubster who spent half her set lying down and chatting up one patron with her back to another, the itty bitty titty committee was fully represented here.
Attitude of Dancers (0/10) – My host in Portland/driver/faithful sidekick and I tried sitting down at a table to be waited on. We failed. We went over to the bar to order and failed at that too. The bartender had at least ten dudes ogling her compared to the two at the stage, and we couldn’t get her attention. We then noticed a chess board sitting nearby and decided to conduct an experiment. How long would it take someone, anyone, to come over and demand that we buy drinks/food/dances or SOMETHING after seeing two idiots wasting time playing chess in a stripclub?
Thirty-three minutes later I was checkmated, and we ended the experiment.
We then proceeded back to a table by the stage and seriously wondered if I would be able to review this place. We tried again with the bartender and successfully ordered a drink and a mushroom burger, having heard that the food was a major draw here despite being vegan. After sitting back down by the stage, it only took 20 minutes for the vegan burger to be made and brought over. With a mouthful of food each, we got a casual hello from one dancer as she passed by, and that was the extent of the attention we were afforded.
Value (4/10) – No cover always boosts a score, but charging $40/dance is laugh out loud funny. You can get a dance from the bartender, but then who will tend the bar? I perused message boards that told me this place has the most contact of any dances in Portland, but behind the beaded curtain that cordons off the Devil’s Den, I saw only one-way contact. Perhaps I was there too early in the evening, but the dance area might as well handcuff the customer’s hands to the chair. At least the mushroom burger was really good.
Dance Setup (6/10) – There is a small room (the Devil’s Den) with a beaded curtain that may as well be a sheet of clear plastic wrap separating the main floor and dance area. Inside chairs that are physically very comfy and socially very not, as they place you either staring at your compadres or sitting right next to them.
Club Setup (1/10) – This used to be a vegan restaurant, and not much renovation took place since the switch over. There is a small “I” shaped stage in the middle, with a smaller circular stage near the sunken bar in the back and incredibly uncomfortable booths all along the outside of the club. To one side there is a perfect view through several large windows of all the construction going on outside. This is the only club I’ve seen to have so many windows, and I’ve been to plenty of places that made the conversion.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – Several message boards describe this place as if you were in the bar in “From Dusk ‘til Dawn.” It has low red lighting and has pictures of stripper devils on the walls, but otherwise I don’t see it. I had a bad feeling when we saw a party bus in the parking lot at 4:30pm, and a worse feeling when 12 guys with an average age of 55 exited the club and onto the bus. Two of the partiers left on their mountain bikes, but then that’s not unexpected in Portland.
Once we checked out the vibe a bit, there appeared to be two types of customers there (not including me). First, there was the Latino group that bought pitcher after pitcher of beer, and stared at the girls on stage from afar, never talking to each other or the dancers but entranced nonetheless. Second, there was the 40 year old virgin crew who did not appear to like alcohol, but kept buying it so that the topless bartender would pull her pants down and pet the kitty.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – In the northern part of NW Portland, so only a few miles north of downtown. Or, as it feels like when you pull up, in the middle of fucking nowhere. The side of the street with the club makes you feel like you’re in backwoods Appalachia and the other side has enough oil barrels, smokestacks, and warehouses to make you think you’re in an industrial section of New Jersey.
Overall – The mystique of a vegan strip club with super-aggressive dances will make you want to check this place out, but I was unimpressed. If you’re a vegan who loves checking out titties, but doesn’t like talking to women, this is a great place to hang out. Short of that, stick to closer to downtown, or basically anywhere else. In Portland, you’re not forced to settle for mediocrity, which is exactly what this club has to offer.
TOTAL SCORE = 32.5
Friday, April 1, 2011
Silk Stockings (Shippensburg, PA)
Quality of Dances (3/20) – You can't touch the dancers at all unless you pay for one of the massages upstairs. They provide some fairly weak friction during the dances, but I was actually glad that it wasn't very good because you're on full display and I didn't feel like showing off for the creepy old owner who was watching from across the room.
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – Everyone that I've seen in this place has been painfully mediocre, and one girl looked so young that I felt uncomfortable to the point that I had to leave the club when she walked out on stage. I don't have any reason to think that she was under 18, but I don't know what what kind of clientele they're trying to appeal to by hiring dancers who could even pass for younger than that.
Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Even though I've never seen many customers at Silk Stockings, it's unacceptable that they've only had 1-3 girls working each time I've stopped by. The worst part was that, during my last visit, there was only one girl working and she left to give a guy a half hour massage, so it left me sitting there with the owner and my soda wondering why I bothered visiting this shithole again.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – As far as I know, they've only got white ladies in this place, but they do get a half a point for some variation of body types.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – It's pretty much standard in central PA for girls to ask you to pay your dance fee and tip in advance, but that still doesn't make it acceptable. Club owners, pay your girls a cut of the dance price so that they can cut this shit out and actually try to earn a tip rather than ruining the mood by asking for it up front. I put that more on the owners than on the dancers, but I can blame the dancers for spending most of their time behind the counter by the door instead of circulating with paying customers. They're usually at least very friendly while on stage, but I've been less than impressed overall.
Value (1.5/10) – The $12 cover is ridiculous for this shitty little club, but it's waived if you buy a dance in advance. Dance prices are on the high side at $25 for 1 and $30 for 2, with customers being expected to match that for the tip. BYOB is the only real positive here, but I can't imagine spending enough time in this club to make it worth bringing much beer.
Dance Setup (0/10) – Dances are performed on a couch along the side wall facing the brightly lit club. You're on full display, so it would be hard to enjoy these dances too much even if the girls did do anything enjoyable.
Club Setup (1.5/10) – This place is in an old house, with the downstairs being used for the club and the upstairs being used for massages. I haven't been upstairs, but the club area has a needlessly large stage, a few shitty chairs and 2 taller tables in the back near the vending machine.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – Everything about this place depresses me. Maybe that's my own fault for not bringing beer, but I really can't see why anyone would stop here unless it's just to find a girl for a massage. Sadly, I've heard that even that is a waste of time and money.
Club Accessibility (1/5) – This whole area is pretty much the middle of nowhere, but Silk Stockings is right off of I-81 in Shippensburg. And when I say "right off," I mean you better not be from the area or you better not have a distinctive ride, because everyone traveling between Carlisle and Chambersburg will see your car in the gravel parking lot.
Overall – This is quite possibly the worst strip club in the United States. I'm pretty sure that the only people who would ever consider stopping here are truck drivers who are looking for a little human contact, but if that's your situation, you're better off stopping at one of the strip clubs in West Virginia or one of the Asian massage parlors in Chambersburg. Even if you don't have the patience to go somewhere else, you're better off walking across the parking lot to the porn store and taking matters into your own hands instead of giving a dime to Silk Stockings.
TOTAL SCORE = 14.5
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – Everyone that I've seen in this place has been painfully mediocre, and one girl looked so young that I felt uncomfortable to the point that I had to leave the club when she walked out on stage. I don't have any reason to think that she was under 18, but I don't know what what kind of clientele they're trying to appeal to by hiring dancers who could even pass for younger than that.
Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Even though I've never seen many customers at Silk Stockings, it's unacceptable that they've only had 1-3 girls working each time I've stopped by. The worst part was that, during my last visit, there was only one girl working and she left to give a guy a half hour massage, so it left me sitting there with the owner and my soda wondering why I bothered visiting this shithole again.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – As far as I know, they've only got white ladies in this place, but they do get a half a point for some variation of body types.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – It's pretty much standard in central PA for girls to ask you to pay your dance fee and tip in advance, but that still doesn't make it acceptable. Club owners, pay your girls a cut of the dance price so that they can cut this shit out and actually try to earn a tip rather than ruining the mood by asking for it up front. I put that more on the owners than on the dancers, but I can blame the dancers for spending most of their time behind the counter by the door instead of circulating with paying customers. They're usually at least very friendly while on stage, but I've been less than impressed overall.
Value (1.5/10) – The $12 cover is ridiculous for this shitty little club, but it's waived if you buy a dance in advance. Dance prices are on the high side at $25 for 1 and $30 for 2, with customers being expected to match that for the tip. BYOB is the only real positive here, but I can't imagine spending enough time in this club to make it worth bringing much beer.
Dance Setup (0/10) – Dances are performed on a couch along the side wall facing the brightly lit club. You're on full display, so it would be hard to enjoy these dances too much even if the girls did do anything enjoyable.
Club Setup (1.5/10) – This place is in an old house, with the downstairs being used for the club and the upstairs being used for massages. I haven't been upstairs, but the club area has a needlessly large stage, a few shitty chairs and 2 taller tables in the back near the vending machine.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – Everything about this place depresses me. Maybe that's my own fault for not bringing beer, but I really can't see why anyone would stop here unless it's just to find a girl for a massage. Sadly, I've heard that even that is a waste of time and money.
Club Accessibility (1/5) – This whole area is pretty much the middle of nowhere, but Silk Stockings is right off of I-81 in Shippensburg. And when I say "right off," I mean you better not be from the area or you better not have a distinctive ride, because everyone traveling between Carlisle and Chambersburg will see your car in the gravel parking lot.
Overall – This is quite possibly the worst strip club in the United States. I'm pretty sure that the only people who would ever consider stopping here are truck drivers who are looking for a little human contact, but if that's your situation, you're better off stopping at one of the strip clubs in West Virginia or one of the Asian massage parlors in Chambersburg. Even if you don't have the patience to go somewhere else, you're better off walking across the parking lot to the porn store and taking matters into your own hands instead of giving a dime to Silk Stockings.
TOTAL SCORE = 14.5
Monday, March 21, 2011
Miss Lindsay's (Orrtanna, PA)
Quality of Dances (4/20) – I can deal with a "no touching" policy that really means that you have to limit your touching to the dancer's legs or hips, but a true no touching rule like they have at Miss Lindsay's is brutal. Though the dancers provide a little friction during the dances, it's tough to feel like an active participant when your hands have to stay firmly planted at your sides. I was told that touching shoulders and hips is allowed during the VIP dances, but since they're $100 after the suggested tip, I can only assume that was a joke.
Quality of dancers (3/10) – Two 7's who were working one of the nights that I stopped by pulled the average way up, because most of the girls here look fairly ragged. When I've stopped by and not seen those two girls, I've have had no choice but to just turn around and walk back out.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – Having a half dozen girls working in such a small club isn't too bad. Having all of the girls (except for the one on stage) standing outside smoking and chatting with each other isn't too good. It was nearly impossible for me or any of the other guys to get a girl for a dance, and everyone wanted one since we all got suckered into pre-buying a dance to get free admission.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (0.5/5) – I'll give them half a point for having some body type and age variation, but I've only seen boring white girls here, though that shouldn't be a shocker considering the location. This is getting to be a sizable Hispanic population nearby, so hopefully some Latinas start working here fairly soon.
Attitude of dancers (1/10) – These girls mostly just talk amongst themselves, they walk around the room between songs asking for tips, and they ask for tips before the lap dances. It's hard to blame them too much since the club doesn't give them a cut of the dance fee, but it's such a buzzkill from the customer's perspective.
Value (1/10) – They waive the $12 cover if you buy a dance ticket, but you should probably check out the dancers and make sure that there's someone worthy of your dance money before you agree to that option. I don't think that you can buy a single dance, but you can get 2 for $30, 3 for $40 or 4 for $50, though if you're going for that option, the 20 min VIP for the same price is probably a slightly less terrible deal. The real killer is that the girls will tell you that you're expected to match the prices for a tip. The only reason that I'm even giving them a point is that it's BYOB, but you'd have to bring a shitload of beer to make this place tolerable.
Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in small booths down a tiny hallway off of the main dance room. There's a small chair in there, and even though there are no doors on the booths, the second one would be reasonably private if it weren't for the camera that captures the lack of action.
Club Setup (-1/10) – Miss Lindsay's has the worst setup that I've ever seen, which shouldn't come as a real surprise considering that it's located in the back of a porn store. In the main room, there are rows of tiny chairs that are set up like the least comfortable movie theater of all time. There's one couch in the room, but they yell at customers for sitting there, because apparently it's reserved for dancers, even though I've never seen dancers sitting on it. Everything about this place is so bad that even the neon painting of a scantily clad woman riding a dolphin that's on the wall can't save it. And the fact the "bathroom" is a port-a-john in the parking lot is enough to earn this place the first negative score in the history of this site.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The atmosphere isn't good, but the relatively safe crowd and the unintentional comedy factor are enough to earn them a point.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – Miss Lindsay's is in the mountains about half way between Gettysburg and Chambersburg. Mr. Ed's is the only thing nearby that's worthwhile, but considering that it's a candy store with a talking elephant out front, there probably isn't a big overlap between these two establishments' clienteles.
Overall – This place is better than Silk Stockings in Shippensburg, but it's still one of the worst clubs that I've ever been to, and there's really no reason to ever go here. I'll admit that there aren't a whole lot of other choices in the area, but if you're desperate for a club, you're much better off driving the hour to West Virginia. Not that the West Virginia clubs are great, but they're a hell of a lot better than this shithole.
TOTAL SCORE = 16.5
Quality of dancers (3/10) – Two 7's who were working one of the nights that I stopped by pulled the average way up, because most of the girls here look fairly ragged. When I've stopped by and not seen those two girls, I've have had no choice but to just turn around and walk back out.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – Having a half dozen girls working in such a small club isn't too bad. Having all of the girls (except for the one on stage) standing outside smoking and chatting with each other isn't too good. It was nearly impossible for me or any of the other guys to get a girl for a dance, and everyone wanted one since we all got suckered into pre-buying a dance to get free admission.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (0.5/5) – I'll give them half a point for having some body type and age variation, but I've only seen boring white girls here, though that shouldn't be a shocker considering the location. This is getting to be a sizable Hispanic population nearby, so hopefully some Latinas start working here fairly soon.
Attitude of dancers (1/10) – These girls mostly just talk amongst themselves, they walk around the room between songs asking for tips, and they ask for tips before the lap dances. It's hard to blame them too much since the club doesn't give them a cut of the dance fee, but it's such a buzzkill from the customer's perspective.
Value (1/10) – They waive the $12 cover if you buy a dance ticket, but you should probably check out the dancers and make sure that there's someone worthy of your dance money before you agree to that option. I don't think that you can buy a single dance, but you can get 2 for $30, 3 for $40 or 4 for $50, though if you're going for that option, the 20 min VIP for the same price is probably a slightly less terrible deal. The real killer is that the girls will tell you that you're expected to match the prices for a tip. The only reason that I'm even giving them a point is that it's BYOB, but you'd have to bring a shitload of beer to make this place tolerable.
Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in small booths down a tiny hallway off of the main dance room. There's a small chair in there, and even though there are no doors on the booths, the second one would be reasonably private if it weren't for the camera that captures the lack of action.
Club Setup (-1/10) – Miss Lindsay's has the worst setup that I've ever seen, which shouldn't come as a real surprise considering that it's located in the back of a porn store. In the main room, there are rows of tiny chairs that are set up like the least comfortable movie theater of all time. There's one couch in the room, but they yell at customers for sitting there, because apparently it's reserved for dancers, even though I've never seen dancers sitting on it. Everything about this place is so bad that even the neon painting of a scantily clad woman riding a dolphin that's on the wall can't save it. And the fact the "bathroom" is a port-a-john in the parking lot is enough to earn this place the first negative score in the history of this site.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The atmosphere isn't good, but the relatively safe crowd and the unintentional comedy factor are enough to earn them a point.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – Miss Lindsay's is in the mountains about half way between Gettysburg and Chambersburg. Mr. Ed's is the only thing nearby that's worthwhile, but considering that it's a candy store with a talking elephant out front, there probably isn't a big overlap between these two establishments' clienteles.
Overall – This place is better than Silk Stockings in Shippensburg, but it's still one of the worst clubs that I've ever been to, and there's really no reason to ever go here. I'll admit that there aren't a whole lot of other choices in the area, but if you're desperate for a club, you're much better off driving the hour to West Virginia. Not that the West Virginia clubs are great, but they're a hell of a lot better than this shithole.
TOTAL SCORE = 16.5
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Fantasy's Island (Duncannon, PA)
Quality of Dances (7.5/20) – Even though the dances are probably the best thing about this place, they're still average at best. The girls create some friction with their legs and don't seem to have a problem with customers touching their legs and hips, but your hands better not find their way to the girl's upper body. If she doesn't enforce the policy (and she almost certainly will), the guy who's watching the closed circuit TV feed of your dance will.
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – Most of these girls have seen better days, and something tells me that they weren't even all that great in their primes. There's some overlap here, but in addition to the worn out girls, there are also lots of fat girls and bad tattoos. There's one lady who is significantly hotter than anyone else in the club, and she'd probably rate as a Duncannon 10. For those of you who aren't familiar with the area, that's the equivalent of about a 6 anywhere else in the free world.
Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – I've found the dancer-to-customer ratio to be acceptable during both of my visits. Still, less than half a dozen girls working on a Friday night and only one girl during my other visit (several years ago) is pretty poor.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – There are some black and some white dancers and a variety of body types and ages, but the variety is worth a lot less when there's only one hot girl in the building.
Attitude of dancers (0/10) – After giving a girl a $10 tip for 1 dance, I was told, "I won't say anything, but if that's all you're going to tip, most girls will cuss you out." Well I won't say anything, but if you act like that, most guys will call you a raging bitch.
Value (1.5/10) – There's a $15 cover and dances are $25, though 2 are $35, 3 are $45, and 4 are $55. The worst part is that, thanks to the fact that girls don't get a cut of the dance fee, customers are expected to match all of those prices. Massages are also offered and those start at $70. The stage action is fully nude, but it's still fairly weak, even for the rainmakers in the crowd. The only real plus is that its BYOB, so I highly recommend hitting a package store if you insist on coming to this place (Update: According to one of my readers, they now serve alcohol, so it may no longer by BYOB, but I sure as hell am not going to re-visit it to confirm that).
Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in a separate room on a couch, so it feels fairly private until you notice the camera pointing right at you and the very bright lighting which means that whoever is monitoring the camera feed won't have any problem seeing what you're up to.
Club Setup (1/10) – This club is located in what appears to be a former rec room on the first floor of a house. There's a small stage in the corner, several small tables and one couch in back. The only thing that makes the setup seem tolerable is that it's a lot better than it used to be. A few years ago, the club was located in party bus parked in the driveway of this same shitty house. At least in the present club you don't have to worry about being kidnapped during your lap dance.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – The smoke, the somewhat rough crowd and the pimpish looking guy making it rain all added up to about as bad an atmosphere as you can get. They get half a point based on the assumption that it wouldn't be quite as terrible if you bring beer. Lots and lots of beer.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – Like everything else in Duncannon, this place is in the middle of nowhere. Technically, you could get here from Harrisburg in a little under half an hour, but I really don't know why you'd want to.
Overall – Sadly, I think I preferred this place when it was a bus. Back then, it was shittily unique; now it's just shitty. If you need to hit a club in Duncannon, you're much better off across the street at Club Babylon. Better yet, drive the extra half hour to Wild J's in Port Trevorton. Of course, the best option of all is to save your cash for some time when you can go to a club that isn't in central Pennsylvania.
RAW SCORE = 20
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – Most of these girls have seen better days, and something tells me that they weren't even all that great in their primes. There's some overlap here, but in addition to the worn out girls, there are also lots of fat girls and bad tattoos. There's one lady who is significantly hotter than anyone else in the club, and she'd probably rate as a Duncannon 10. For those of you who aren't familiar with the area, that's the equivalent of about a 6 anywhere else in the free world.
Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – I've found the dancer-to-customer ratio to be acceptable during both of my visits. Still, less than half a dozen girls working on a Friday night and only one girl during my other visit (several years ago) is pretty poor.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – There are some black and some white dancers and a variety of body types and ages, but the variety is worth a lot less when there's only one hot girl in the building.
Attitude of dancers (0/10) – After giving a girl a $10 tip for 1 dance, I was told, "I won't say anything, but if that's all you're going to tip, most girls will cuss you out." Well I won't say anything, but if you act like that, most guys will call you a raging bitch.
Value (1.5/10) – There's a $15 cover and dances are $25, though 2 are $35, 3 are $45, and 4 are $55. The worst part is that, thanks to the fact that girls don't get a cut of the dance fee, customers are expected to match all of those prices. Massages are also offered and those start at $70. The stage action is fully nude, but it's still fairly weak, even for the rainmakers in the crowd. The only real plus is that its BYOB, so I highly recommend hitting a package store if you insist on coming to this place (Update: According to one of my readers, they now serve alcohol, so it may no longer by BYOB, but I sure as hell am not going to re-visit it to confirm that).
Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in a separate room on a couch, so it feels fairly private until you notice the camera pointing right at you and the very bright lighting which means that whoever is monitoring the camera feed won't have any problem seeing what you're up to.
Club Setup (1/10) – This club is located in what appears to be a former rec room on the first floor of a house. There's a small stage in the corner, several small tables and one couch in back. The only thing that makes the setup seem tolerable is that it's a lot better than it used to be. A few years ago, the club was located in party bus parked in the driveway of this same shitty house. At least in the present club you don't have to worry about being kidnapped during your lap dance.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – The smoke, the somewhat rough crowd and the pimpish looking guy making it rain all added up to about as bad an atmosphere as you can get. They get half a point based on the assumption that it wouldn't be quite as terrible if you bring beer. Lots and lots of beer.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – Like everything else in Duncannon, this place is in the middle of nowhere. Technically, you could get here from Harrisburg in a little under half an hour, but I really don't know why you'd want to.
Overall – Sadly, I think I preferred this place when it was a bus. Back then, it was shittily unique; now it's just shitty. If you need to hit a club in Duncannon, you're much better off across the street at Club Babylon. Better yet, drive the extra half hour to Wild J's in Port Trevorton. Of course, the best option of all is to save your cash for some time when you can go to a club that isn't in central Pennsylvania.
RAW SCORE = 20
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Club Rouge (Portland, OR)
Quality of Dances (9/20) – You can watch your erection rise and fall as you are told that lap dances are full contact (up), and “full contact” means “you can’t touch her” (down). There is significant grinding action from the ladies, but they’re very explicit about the no touching rule. If I had an erection, I just lost it. Even if there are a few girls here and there who will let you go above and beyond, a bouncer pops his head in every few minutes to make sure you’re not having too good a time.
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – There was only one girl in the entire club who I would not consider banging, as almost all dancers had fantastic athletic bodies and real bombs. As in any Portland establishment, you’ll need a high tolerance for ink and piercings, although I did spot perhaps the one stripper in the Portland area who had no tattoos at all.
Number of Dancers (8/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good being that there are four other clubs within walking distance of this place. The bouncer told me there are normally 25 or so, but I’d have to see it to believe it.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – On a Friday night there were 13 thin white brunettes, two blondes and one black girl who reminded me of Raynesha from Reno 911. I hope you like them thick.
Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – Even after a girl on stage took my $10 and said she had a customer waiting and then would come say hi to me, she never did and neither did anyone else. I had to work my Peter magic with a few different girls on stage to get anyone to stop over. Even at that, it was all business from the start. They get a few points for not hating life, but that’s all.
Value (5.5/10) – There’s a $5 cover, $5 beers (at most, and a nice selection), and $20 dances, making Club Rouge pretty standard for the Portland area. The VIP room is $150 for 30 minutes, and if your plan is to just go upstairs and get dances, it’s worth it. If you are looking for small talk in any way, shape or form, don’t bother. We did see some serious grinding on the stage, but most likely that is reserved for regulars as I tried like hell to join in and struck out miserably.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – There is a lightly curtained area in the corner of the club that is about 15 feet long and 7 feet wide with four comfortable wide chairs—that are right next to each other. To make things worse, somehow it’s more lit than any other part of the club and as previously stated, the bouncer peaks in more often than the tits shake, so it’s a real downer.
Club Setup (6/10) – The bar is very small and there is not much room to get by it to the main floor. Not a big deal except for weekend nights, when it’s a huge deal and very annoying. Once you get in though, there are two small circular stages in the middle (with a girl on each stage at all times), a comfortable booth along the entire perimeter of the club with tables and chairs opposite the booths, and chairs around the stage area.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Rouge tries hard to give the appearance of an upscale, Foxy Lady type club. The bouncers are in black suits with US Secret Service earpieces that they love talking into. You need to be at least semi put-together to get in here, including straightening out your backwards hat. I felt incredibly uncomfortable. There is no way to get a groove on when it looks like the CIA is watching your every move. Even more awkward, there is a corner of the room where several girls stand around looking alternately lost, bored, or in a time out. This is the under-21 cadre of Club Rouge dancers, and, by law, they can only move from the stage to the dance area to the DJ booth. Most clubs will serve alcohol and hire dancers 21 or older, or else sport the youngbloods and leave out the firewater. This is Club Rouge’s solution to having both alcohol and dancers under 21.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Rouge is in downtown Portland. You can take the MAX, you can take the bus, you can ride your bike. After you come out, you can get food or find another strip club in almost any direction. Or you can just stumble over to the Willamette river and puke over the railing while taking in the scenery. The possibilities are endless.
Overall – For anyone who is interested in the tease, here it is. The cover is almost nothing, but not quite. The dances are full contact, but not from you. The dance chairs are comfy, until the bouncer winks at you. The VIP room is private, unless someone looks up at the window to wave. If you need something to rile you up so you can go home and bang the shit out of the missus, this is the place for you.
TOTAL SCORE = 50
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – There was only one girl in the entire club who I would not consider banging, as almost all dancers had fantastic athletic bodies and real bombs. As in any Portland establishment, you’ll need a high tolerance for ink and piercings, although I did spot perhaps the one stripper in the Portland area who had no tattoos at all.
Number of Dancers (8/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good being that there are four other clubs within walking distance of this place. The bouncer told me there are normally 25 or so, but I’d have to see it to believe it.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – On a Friday night there were 13 thin white brunettes, two blondes and one black girl who reminded me of Raynesha from Reno 911. I hope you like them thick.
Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – Even after a girl on stage took my $10 and said she had a customer waiting and then would come say hi to me, she never did and neither did anyone else. I had to work my Peter magic with a few different girls on stage to get anyone to stop over. Even at that, it was all business from the start. They get a few points for not hating life, but that’s all.
Value (5.5/10) – There’s a $5 cover, $5 beers (at most, and a nice selection), and $20 dances, making Club Rouge pretty standard for the Portland area. The VIP room is $150 for 30 minutes, and if your plan is to just go upstairs and get dances, it’s worth it. If you are looking for small talk in any way, shape or form, don’t bother. We did see some serious grinding on the stage, but most likely that is reserved for regulars as I tried like hell to join in and struck out miserably.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – There is a lightly curtained area in the corner of the club that is about 15 feet long and 7 feet wide with four comfortable wide chairs—that are right next to each other. To make things worse, somehow it’s more lit than any other part of the club and as previously stated, the bouncer peaks in more often than the tits shake, so it’s a real downer.
Club Setup (6/10) – The bar is very small and there is not much room to get by it to the main floor. Not a big deal except for weekend nights, when it’s a huge deal and very annoying. Once you get in though, there are two small circular stages in the middle (with a girl on each stage at all times), a comfortable booth along the entire perimeter of the club with tables and chairs opposite the booths, and chairs around the stage area.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Rouge tries hard to give the appearance of an upscale, Foxy Lady type club. The bouncers are in black suits with US Secret Service earpieces that they love talking into. You need to be at least semi put-together to get in here, including straightening out your backwards hat. I felt incredibly uncomfortable. There is no way to get a groove on when it looks like the CIA is watching your every move. Even more awkward, there is a corner of the room where several girls stand around looking alternately lost, bored, or in a time out. This is the under-21 cadre of Club Rouge dancers, and, by law, they can only move from the stage to the dance area to the DJ booth. Most clubs will serve alcohol and hire dancers 21 or older, or else sport the youngbloods and leave out the firewater. This is Club Rouge’s solution to having both alcohol and dancers under 21.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Rouge is in downtown Portland. You can take the MAX, you can take the bus, you can ride your bike. After you come out, you can get food or find another strip club in almost any direction. Or you can just stumble over to the Willamette river and puke over the railing while taking in the scenery. The possibilities are endless.
Overall – For anyone who is interested in the tease, here it is. The cover is almost nothing, but not quite. The dances are full contact, but not from you. The dance chairs are comfy, until the bouncer winks at you. The VIP room is private, unless someone looks up at the window to wave. If you need something to rile you up so you can go home and bang the shit out of the missus, this is the place for you.
TOTAL SCORE = 50
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