Quality of Dances (0/20) – If you're going to risk your life to visit a dangerous club in the middle of the ghetto on Iranistan Avenue, that club better have some amazing lapdances. Not only does George's not have amazing lapdances - they have no lapdances. Based on that alone, you should never go here. I'll keep writing in case you're curious, but there's really no point to the rest of this. Don't go to George's!
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – The only girl that I saw here on my lone visit could have been a model in the Latina version of a Lane Bryant catalogue. She had a hot face and would be absolutely blazing if she lost 60 pounds, but as is, she won't really do it for most guys. I like a little something to grab onto during a lap dance, but again, there are no dances, so it's all about the looks here. And 60 extra pounds don't look good.
Number of Dancers (1/10) – The lady who was working when I visited George's only spent a very small fraction of the time dancing. For the most part, she just sat and chatted with a single customer. In fairness to the club, there's no way in hell that I was going to this place at night, so I was there during the day shift, but one girl is not acceptable if a club is open for business.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0/5) – With only one girl working, obviously there was no diversity, and something tells me that all of the dancers would have been Latina or black and fairly large anyway. That "something" is experience with Bridgeport clubs. You're just not going to find many girl next door types in the Bridgeport dive clubs unless you live next door to a weight loss clinic in the ghetto.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – This isn't a terribly useful rating since it's only based on one girl, but like I said above, you shouldn't even be reading this far. In case you are, the girl that was working was reasonably friendly and very apologetic/confused about the lack of dances.
Value (6/10) – There's no cover, so the 2 drink minimum with $4.50 beers is reasonable. If you're lucky enough to see a girl on stage, the action is adequate, but I wouldn't count on getting to witness that unless you're willing to hang out for a while.
Dance Setup (0/10) – No dances equals no dance setup.
Club Setup (1/10) – George's has 2 pool tables, paint peeling off the walls, a cigarette machine (who knew they even still make those?), a large bar that takes up most of the club and a shitty narrow stage along the right side wall. Basically, this place is a dump. And if the main room isn't bad enough for you, the terrible bathroom has a urinal located exactly where a civilized person would stand to wash their hands. Luckily, I doubt that George's gets many of those types stopping by.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – They have a sign on the wall that reads, "What you see, what you hear, when you leave, leave it here," which is really just a slightly more elegantly worded version of "Stop Snitchin'". So that should tell you all that you really need to know about the atmosphere. You'll never really feel safe in here, and based on the cameras pointing outward, your car won't be either. The one positive is that they have good mariache music playing most of the time (seriously, this wasn't the Reggaeton that you hear in clubs; it was the Mariachi music that you hear in a good mexican restaurant), but when the girl came out on stage, it inexplicably changed to the Bee Gee's.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – There's parking across the street, but this is a bad neighborhood that I would advise you to stay away from.
Overall – George's is not worth a visit under any circumstances. Risking your life for a good club is questionable, but risking it for this dump is just begging to become a Darwin Award winner.
TOTAL SCORE = 16.5
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Cheerleaders (Pittsburgh, PA)
Quality of Dances (12/20) – I’ve found a ton of variation from one girl to the next, but for the most part, these are very solid dances. Tit grabbing was not only tolerated, but was actually encouraged, and more than one girl used her leg and mouth skillfully over the pants. The dances are topless, but many of the girls adjust the bottoms to give you a full view. Some of the other girls give dances that are satisfactory at best, but you should be able to have a decent time if you chose wisely.
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – These ladies are Pittsburgh’s finest, which, surprisingly, is relatively fine. I expected a little more quality control from a place that takes itself as seriously as this place does, but most of the girls were 7’s or 8’s, and the few girls who I’d rate below that were the affirmative action hires, which I’m ok with in a largely white city.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – Cheerleaders’ popularity is their downfall in this category. They have 3 girls on stage at a time during the evening, and they’ve got several more ladies patrolling the crowd, but it can be nearly impossible to get a girl’s attention for a dance due to the large number of customers during prime club hours.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – As far as I can tell, there aren’t a whole lot of Asians or Latinas in Pittsburgh, and the selection at Cheerleaders reflects that. Still, I was happy to see a fair number of black dancers and some size variation in addition to the expected white blonds.
Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – I met a few very friendly dancers at Cheerleader’s, but way too many of them are picky about what customer’s they’ll talk to. I understand that, from their point of view, the club is so packed that even if they piss off 50 guys, 50 other guys will still be willing to drop cash on them. Still, it sucks if a girl you’ve been waiting for passes you by because she assumes that the guy wearing a suit has more money than you. I guess that happens everywhere to some extent, but it was particularly blatant at Cheerleaders. Or maybe I just noticed it more because, on this occasion, I wasn’t the guy in the suit.
Value (1/10) – If you’re going to have a mandatory non-complimentary valet service, you shouldn’t have a cover change. It isn’t so much that it’s expensive, though that plus a beer usually adds up to $20 (it was $25 the night I was there because a fight was on TV), but it really just feels like a scam. As does the requirement to get bottle service or pay a $2 upcharge on beers to sit at one of the tables. The dances are an ok value at $25 and the topless stage action doesn’t cost much due to the distance between the bar and the stages, but I’m knocking them down on this because you’ll walk of here feeling like you got scammed.
Dance Setup (4.5/10) – Dances are given in a separate room from the main area of the club on several individual small benches. The benches are angled so that you’re facing, at most, one or two other benches, and the benches have high backs, so no one will be able to peak over your shoulder. So, overall, it’s fairly solid if the club isn’t too crowded and the girls properly distribute customers. Unfortunately, when the club is crowded, and it usually is, at least one other customer/dancer pair will see what you’re up to.
Club Setup (6/10) – This is a nice club overall with a set of stairs coming down to a center stage and two satellite stages off to the sides. Each of the satellite stages is several feet away from a large bar area, so you get to toss balled up 1’s at the girls and don’t need to tip a whole lot, but interaction with the girls at the stages is non-existent. My biggest complaint, though, is that there aren’t really any tables unless you sit in the bottle service area around the perimeter of the club, but I refuse to do that on principle. On the plus side, they have the often overlooked but always appreciated beer shelves at the urinals. Those things really should be standard at any decent club.
Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – This place is a little on the upscale side, but the vibe is still relatively relaxed and the crowd is good. I probably wouldn’t come here with a large group due to the lack of tables (fuck bottle service), but it’s a solid place to hang and down a beer or two with a few buddies. Be forewarned though, they sell cigars and allow smoking inside, so you may want to take that into consideration if you have to explain your stench to anyone.
Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – Cheerleaders isn’t really within walking distance of most of the places that you’d want to be in Pittsburgh, but it’s not far from anything and is relatively close to the original Primanti Brothers location. I recommend going there after the club though, because you probably won’t feel like having a girl grind on your lap for a while after pastrami, cole slaw and french-fry deliciousness.
TOTAL SCORE = 52
Monday, April 11, 2011
Delilah's (Philadelphia, PA)
Quality of Dances (5.5/20) – The girls mostly give some moderate friction, but having my hands moved immediately from the outsides of a girl's legs is a huge buzzkill, especially when the girls already give off a stuck up vibe. If I can't touch your legs for $20, you won't be getting a second $20.
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – If you're into white girls, you'll have a hard time complaining at the quality of dancers at Delilah's. Basically, other than the hints of Amish inbreeding, it's as close to Spearmint Rhino quality as you'll find on the east coast.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – They've got a ton of dancers, but they lose a few points because there are often so many guys in here that it can be a challenge to get a dance. I've only made one day-shift visit and it was dead in terms of customers and dancers, but the ratio was much more acceptable then.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – Thin, white and mostly blonde works for a lot of guys, and that's a good thing, because that what Delilah's has.
Attitude of dancers (1/10) – One girl walked up to my table and asked if I wanted a dance. I started to say something like, "maybe in a bit, but I want to get a drink first, so check back in a while," but
the girl stormed off about half way through "maybe". Some of the other ones aren't quite as bad, but it's rare to find a girl in Delilah's who isn't full of herself.
Value (4/10) – For an upscale club that takes itself way too seriously, the prices are surprisingly reasonable, with $20 dances and$6 beers. They do have a fairly steep cover (something like $15 on
weekends), but it's waived if you have a ticket to a sporting event or a hotel room key. That's kind of shitty for locals and is the reason that I never visited while living in the area, but it seems to be
standard at the more upscale Philly clubs. There isn't any interaction between customers and dancers at the stage, but the view is great so you can ration your money if you want to just be a spectator.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Thankfully, dances are not given on the main floor because that place can get packed. They're in a separate room that's behind a curtain and is filled with couches. It's not at all
private, but at least the couches are reasonably comfortable.
Club Setup (4/10) – There's a long stage down middle of the club with stairs that come down to it from the Delilahs Club Level. You have to be a member to go up there, (I have no idea what it takes to become a member, but I wasn't interested), but it's sweet how they have girls gyrating around on the stairs while other girls are on the stage. The seating isn't nearly as nice as the stage though. There are a bunch of small tables and a few booths in raised areas along sides of club, but those are mostly reserved for bottle service, so it can be tough to find a seat on nights of big sporting events. Overall, it comes very close to having a solid setup, but you should never have to circle a club 4 times to find a seat that you're immediately tossed from because you're only drinking beer. I like beer, so they can go fuck themselves.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place is very upscale, so depending on your tastes,you might think it's either classy or stuffy. Thanks to the sights, it would be an awesome place to chill and have a few beers after a game, but the atmosphere isn't conducive to that at all. Still, it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a curious girlfriend to a place like this if you want to fool her into thinking that nothing inappropriate goes on at strip clubs.
Club Accessibility (4/5) – Delilah's is along the Delaware River near Penn's Landing right across the street from Dave & Busters. It's walkable from the Center City/South Street areas, but it will be a fairly long walk. If you're going to do it, I'd walk over to Columbus and then walk north to the club, because you'll be bordering on some shady areas if you walk north to Spring Garden and then east to the club.
Overall – This place might be good for a bachelor party with your soon to be father in law or a business meeting, and it might even be an okay place to do some sightseeing before the night really gets started, but the attitudes and stuffiness prevent it from ever being great for anything beyond that.
Total score = 40.5
Quality of Dancers (8/10) – If you're into white girls, you'll have a hard time complaining at the quality of dancers at Delilah's. Basically, other than the hints of Amish inbreeding, it's as close to Spearmint Rhino quality as you'll find on the east coast.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – They've got a ton of dancers, but they lose a few points because there are often so many guys in here that it can be a challenge to get a dance. I've only made one day-shift visit and it was dead in terms of customers and dancers, but the ratio was much more acceptable then.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – Thin, white and mostly blonde works for a lot of guys, and that's a good thing, because that what Delilah's has.
Attitude of dancers (1/10) – One girl walked up to my table and asked if I wanted a dance. I started to say something like, "maybe in a bit, but I want to get a drink first, so check back in a while," but
the girl stormed off about half way through "maybe". Some of the other ones aren't quite as bad, but it's rare to find a girl in Delilah's who isn't full of herself.
Value (4/10) – For an upscale club that takes itself way too seriously, the prices are surprisingly reasonable, with $20 dances and$6 beers. They do have a fairly steep cover (something like $15 on
weekends), but it's waived if you have a ticket to a sporting event or a hotel room key. That's kind of shitty for locals and is the reason that I never visited while living in the area, but it seems to be
standard at the more upscale Philly clubs. There isn't any interaction between customers and dancers at the stage, but the view is great so you can ration your money if you want to just be a spectator.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Thankfully, dances are not given on the main floor because that place can get packed. They're in a separate room that's behind a curtain and is filled with couches. It's not at all
private, but at least the couches are reasonably comfortable.
Club Setup (4/10) – There's a long stage down middle of the club with stairs that come down to it from the Delilahs Club Level. You have to be a member to go up there, (I have no idea what it takes to become a member, but I wasn't interested), but it's sweet how they have girls gyrating around on the stairs while other girls are on the stage. The seating isn't nearly as nice as the stage though. There are a bunch of small tables and a few booths in raised areas along sides of club, but those are mostly reserved for bottle service, so it can be tough to find a seat on nights of big sporting events. Overall, it comes very close to having a solid setup, but you should never have to circle a club 4 times to find a seat that you're immediately tossed from because you're only drinking beer. I like beer, so they can go fuck themselves.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place is very upscale, so depending on your tastes,you might think it's either classy or stuffy. Thanks to the sights, it would be an awesome place to chill and have a few beers after a game, but the atmosphere isn't conducive to that at all. Still, it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a curious girlfriend to a place like this if you want to fool her into thinking that nothing inappropriate goes on at strip clubs.
Club Accessibility (4/5) – Delilah's is along the Delaware River near Penn's Landing right across the street from Dave & Busters. It's walkable from the Center City/South Street areas, but it will be a fairly long walk. If you're going to do it, I'd walk over to Columbus and then walk north to the club, because you'll be bordering on some shady areas if you walk north to Spring Garden and then east to the club.
Overall – This place might be good for a bachelor party with your soon to be father in law or a business meeting, and it might even be an okay place to do some sightseeing before the night really gets started, but the attitudes and stuffiness prevent it from ever being great for anything beyond that.
Total score = 40.5
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Casa Diablo (Portland, OR)
Quality of Dances (9/20) – Not much you can describe here that you don’t already know if you are in Portland. “Full contact” means don’t touch the girls. That no one in this city understands the irony escapes me. I’ve heard rumblings of super-aggressive dances and extras available in this particular place. I figured the rumors were true as we got close, where my driver was laughing so hard at the backwoods way this place looks he almost jumped a curb. The less attractive dancers also seemed to strengthen this reputation, but if there's high mileage, it's reserved for regulars, because I got no hints of extras at all.
Quality of Dancers (3/10) – I was happy to say that this was not the only place I was visiting this particular evening, otherwise I would be really disappointed. Since there are so many clubs in Portland, I can’t pass judgment quite yet, but this was definitely the worst crop of girls in the city thus far. The shining star of the bunch was the bartender, who is topless at all times and is willing to play peek-a-boo with her vagina if you tip well.
Number of Dancers (2/10) – Six girls at 6pm on Saturday night is fine for an in-call bachelor party, but not acceptable here.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – I’ve seen less pasty white color at an Irish family reunion. Body type differences were minimal, but a token redhead adds half a point because no one can turn away a fire bush. Other than one chubster who spent half her set lying down and chatting up one patron with her back to another, the itty bitty titty committee was fully represented here.
Attitude of Dancers (0/10) – My host in Portland/driver/faithful sidekick and I tried sitting down at a table to be waited on. We failed. We went over to the bar to order and failed at that too. The bartender had at least ten dudes ogling her compared to the two at the stage, and we couldn’t get her attention. We then noticed a chess board sitting nearby and decided to conduct an experiment. How long would it take someone, anyone, to come over and demand that we buy drinks/food/dances or SOMETHING after seeing two idiots wasting time playing chess in a stripclub?
Thirty-three minutes later I was checkmated, and we ended the experiment.
We then proceeded back to a table by the stage and seriously wondered if I would be able to review this place. We tried again with the bartender and successfully ordered a drink and a mushroom burger, having heard that the food was a major draw here despite being vegan. After sitting back down by the stage, it only took 20 minutes for the vegan burger to be made and brought over. With a mouthful of food each, we got a casual hello from one dancer as she passed by, and that was the extent of the attention we were afforded.
Value (4/10) – No cover always boosts a score, but charging $40/dance is laugh out loud funny. You can get a dance from the bartender, but then who will tend the bar? I perused message boards that told me this place has the most contact of any dances in Portland, but behind the beaded curtain that cordons off the Devil’s Den, I saw only one-way contact. Perhaps I was there too early in the evening, but the dance area might as well handcuff the customer’s hands to the chair. At least the mushroom burger was really good.
Dance Setup (6/10) – There is a small room (the Devil’s Den) with a beaded curtain that may as well be a sheet of clear plastic wrap separating the main floor and dance area. Inside chairs that are physically very comfy and socially very not, as they place you either staring at your compadres or sitting right next to them.
Club Setup (1/10) – This used to be a vegan restaurant, and not much renovation took place since the switch over. There is a small “I” shaped stage in the middle, with a smaller circular stage near the sunken bar in the back and incredibly uncomfortable booths all along the outside of the club. To one side there is a perfect view through several large windows of all the construction going on outside. This is the only club I’ve seen to have so many windows, and I’ve been to plenty of places that made the conversion.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – Several message boards describe this place as if you were in the bar in “From Dusk ‘til Dawn.” It has low red lighting and has pictures of stripper devils on the walls, but otherwise I don’t see it. I had a bad feeling when we saw a party bus in the parking lot at 4:30pm, and a worse feeling when 12 guys with an average age of 55 exited the club and onto the bus. Two of the partiers left on their mountain bikes, but then that’s not unexpected in Portland.
Once we checked out the vibe a bit, there appeared to be two types of customers there (not including me). First, there was the Latino group that bought pitcher after pitcher of beer, and stared at the girls on stage from afar, never talking to each other or the dancers but entranced nonetheless. Second, there was the 40 year old virgin crew who did not appear to like alcohol, but kept buying it so that the topless bartender would pull her pants down and pet the kitty.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – In the northern part of NW Portland, so only a few miles north of downtown. Or, as it feels like when you pull up, in the middle of fucking nowhere. The side of the street with the club makes you feel like you’re in backwoods Appalachia and the other side has enough oil barrels, smokestacks, and warehouses to make you think you’re in an industrial section of New Jersey.
Overall – The mystique of a vegan strip club with super-aggressive dances will make you want to check this place out, but I was unimpressed. If you’re a vegan who loves checking out titties, but doesn’t like talking to women, this is a great place to hang out. Short of that, stick to closer to downtown, or basically anywhere else. In Portland, you’re not forced to settle for mediocrity, which is exactly what this club has to offer.
TOTAL SCORE = 32.5
Friday, April 1, 2011
Silk Stockings (Shippensburg, PA)
Quality of Dances (3/20) – You can't touch the dancers at all unless you pay for one of the massages upstairs. They provide some fairly weak friction during the dances, but I was actually glad that it wasn't very good because you're on full display and I didn't feel like showing off for the creepy old owner who was watching from across the room.
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – Everyone that I've seen in this place has been painfully mediocre, and one girl looked so young that I felt uncomfortable to the point that I had to leave the club when she walked out on stage. I don't have any reason to think that she was under 18, but I don't know what what kind of clientele they're trying to appeal to by hiring dancers who could even pass for younger than that.
Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Even though I've never seen many customers at Silk Stockings, it's unacceptable that they've only had 1-3 girls working each time I've stopped by. The worst part was that, during my last visit, there was only one girl working and she left to give a guy a half hour massage, so it left me sitting there with the owner and my soda wondering why I bothered visiting this shithole again.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – As far as I know, they've only got white ladies in this place, but they do get a half a point for some variation of body types.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – It's pretty much standard in central PA for girls to ask you to pay your dance fee and tip in advance, but that still doesn't make it acceptable. Club owners, pay your girls a cut of the dance price so that they can cut this shit out and actually try to earn a tip rather than ruining the mood by asking for it up front. I put that more on the owners than on the dancers, but I can blame the dancers for spending most of their time behind the counter by the door instead of circulating with paying customers. They're usually at least very friendly while on stage, but I've been less than impressed overall.
Value (1.5/10) – The $12 cover is ridiculous for this shitty little club, but it's waived if you buy a dance in advance. Dance prices are on the high side at $25 for 1 and $30 for 2, with customers being expected to match that for the tip. BYOB is the only real positive here, but I can't imagine spending enough time in this club to make it worth bringing much beer.
Dance Setup (0/10) – Dances are performed on a couch along the side wall facing the brightly lit club. You're on full display, so it would be hard to enjoy these dances too much even if the girls did do anything enjoyable.
Club Setup (1.5/10) – This place is in an old house, with the downstairs being used for the club and the upstairs being used for massages. I haven't been upstairs, but the club area has a needlessly large stage, a few shitty chairs and 2 taller tables in the back near the vending machine.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – Everything about this place depresses me. Maybe that's my own fault for not bringing beer, but I really can't see why anyone would stop here unless it's just to find a girl for a massage. Sadly, I've heard that even that is a waste of time and money.
Club Accessibility (1/5) – This whole area is pretty much the middle of nowhere, but Silk Stockings is right off of I-81 in Shippensburg. And when I say "right off," I mean you better not be from the area or you better not have a distinctive ride, because everyone traveling between Carlisle and Chambersburg will see your car in the gravel parking lot.
Overall – This is quite possibly the worst strip club in the United States. I'm pretty sure that the only people who would ever consider stopping here are truck drivers who are looking for a little human contact, but if that's your situation, you're better off stopping at one of the strip clubs in West Virginia or one of the Asian massage parlors in Chambersburg. Even if you don't have the patience to go somewhere else, you're better off walking across the parking lot to the porn store and taking matters into your own hands instead of giving a dime to Silk Stockings.
TOTAL SCORE = 14.5
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – Everyone that I've seen in this place has been painfully mediocre, and one girl looked so young that I felt uncomfortable to the point that I had to leave the club when she walked out on stage. I don't have any reason to think that she was under 18, but I don't know what what kind of clientele they're trying to appeal to by hiring dancers who could even pass for younger than that.
Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Even though I've never seen many customers at Silk Stockings, it's unacceptable that they've only had 1-3 girls working each time I've stopped by. The worst part was that, during my last visit, there was only one girl working and she left to give a guy a half hour massage, so it left me sitting there with the owner and my soda wondering why I bothered visiting this shithole again.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – As far as I know, they've only got white ladies in this place, but they do get a half a point for some variation of body types.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – It's pretty much standard in central PA for girls to ask you to pay your dance fee and tip in advance, but that still doesn't make it acceptable. Club owners, pay your girls a cut of the dance price so that they can cut this shit out and actually try to earn a tip rather than ruining the mood by asking for it up front. I put that more on the owners than on the dancers, but I can blame the dancers for spending most of their time behind the counter by the door instead of circulating with paying customers. They're usually at least very friendly while on stage, but I've been less than impressed overall.
Value (1.5/10) – The $12 cover is ridiculous for this shitty little club, but it's waived if you buy a dance in advance. Dance prices are on the high side at $25 for 1 and $30 for 2, with customers being expected to match that for the tip. BYOB is the only real positive here, but I can't imagine spending enough time in this club to make it worth bringing much beer.
Dance Setup (0/10) – Dances are performed on a couch along the side wall facing the brightly lit club. You're on full display, so it would be hard to enjoy these dances too much even if the girls did do anything enjoyable.
Club Setup (1.5/10) – This place is in an old house, with the downstairs being used for the club and the upstairs being used for massages. I haven't been upstairs, but the club area has a needlessly large stage, a few shitty chairs and 2 taller tables in the back near the vending machine.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – Everything about this place depresses me. Maybe that's my own fault for not bringing beer, but I really can't see why anyone would stop here unless it's just to find a girl for a massage. Sadly, I've heard that even that is a waste of time and money.
Club Accessibility (1/5) – This whole area is pretty much the middle of nowhere, but Silk Stockings is right off of I-81 in Shippensburg. And when I say "right off," I mean you better not be from the area or you better not have a distinctive ride, because everyone traveling between Carlisle and Chambersburg will see your car in the gravel parking lot.
Overall – This is quite possibly the worst strip club in the United States. I'm pretty sure that the only people who would ever consider stopping here are truck drivers who are looking for a little human contact, but if that's your situation, you're better off stopping at one of the strip clubs in West Virginia or one of the Asian massage parlors in Chambersburg. Even if you don't have the patience to go somewhere else, you're better off walking across the parking lot to the porn store and taking matters into your own hands instead of giving a dime to Silk Stockings.
TOTAL SCORE = 14.5
Monday, March 21, 2011
Miss Lindsay's (Orrtanna, PA)
Quality of Dances (4/20) – I can deal with a "no touching" policy that really means that you have to limit your touching to the dancer's legs or hips, but a true no touching rule like they have at Miss Lindsay's is brutal. Though the dancers provide a little friction during the dances, it's tough to feel like an active participant when your hands have to stay firmly planted at your sides. I was told that touching shoulders and hips is allowed during the VIP dances, but since they're $100 after the suggested tip, I can only assume that was a joke.
Quality of dancers (3/10) – Two 7's who were working one of the nights that I stopped by pulled the average way up, because most of the girls here look fairly ragged. When I've stopped by and not seen those two girls, I've have had no choice but to just turn around and walk back out.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – Having a half dozen girls working in such a small club isn't too bad. Having all of the girls (except for the one on stage) standing outside smoking and chatting with each other isn't too good. It was nearly impossible for me or any of the other guys to get a girl for a dance, and everyone wanted one since we all got suckered into pre-buying a dance to get free admission.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (0.5/5) – I'll give them half a point for having some body type and age variation, but I've only seen boring white girls here, though that shouldn't be a shocker considering the location. This is getting to be a sizable Hispanic population nearby, so hopefully some Latinas start working here fairly soon.
Attitude of dancers (1/10) – These girls mostly just talk amongst themselves, they walk around the room between songs asking for tips, and they ask for tips before the lap dances. It's hard to blame them too much since the club doesn't give them a cut of the dance fee, but it's such a buzzkill from the customer's perspective.
Value (1/10) – They waive the $12 cover if you buy a dance ticket, but you should probably check out the dancers and make sure that there's someone worthy of your dance money before you agree to that option. I don't think that you can buy a single dance, but you can get 2 for $30, 3 for $40 or 4 for $50, though if you're going for that option, the 20 min VIP for the same price is probably a slightly less terrible deal. The real killer is that the girls will tell you that you're expected to match the prices for a tip. The only reason that I'm even giving them a point is that it's BYOB, but you'd have to bring a shitload of beer to make this place tolerable.
Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in small booths down a tiny hallway off of the main dance room. There's a small chair in there, and even though there are no doors on the booths, the second one would be reasonably private if it weren't for the camera that captures the lack of action.
Club Setup (-1/10) – Miss Lindsay's has the worst setup that I've ever seen, which shouldn't come as a real surprise considering that it's located in the back of a porn store. In the main room, there are rows of tiny chairs that are set up like the least comfortable movie theater of all time. There's one couch in the room, but they yell at customers for sitting there, because apparently it's reserved for dancers, even though I've never seen dancers sitting on it. Everything about this place is so bad that even the neon painting of a scantily clad woman riding a dolphin that's on the wall can't save it. And the fact the "bathroom" is a port-a-john in the parking lot is enough to earn this place the first negative score in the history of this site.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The atmosphere isn't good, but the relatively safe crowd and the unintentional comedy factor are enough to earn them a point.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – Miss Lindsay's is in the mountains about half way between Gettysburg and Chambersburg. Mr. Ed's is the only thing nearby that's worthwhile, but considering that it's a candy store with a talking elephant out front, there probably isn't a big overlap between these two establishments' clienteles.
Overall – This place is better than Silk Stockings in Shippensburg, but it's still one of the worst clubs that I've ever been to, and there's really no reason to ever go here. I'll admit that there aren't a whole lot of other choices in the area, but if you're desperate for a club, you're much better off driving the hour to West Virginia. Not that the West Virginia clubs are great, but they're a hell of a lot better than this shithole.
TOTAL SCORE = 16.5
Quality of dancers (3/10) – Two 7's who were working one of the nights that I stopped by pulled the average way up, because most of the girls here look fairly ragged. When I've stopped by and not seen those two girls, I've have had no choice but to just turn around and walk back out.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – Having a half dozen girls working in such a small club isn't too bad. Having all of the girls (except for the one on stage) standing outside smoking and chatting with each other isn't too good. It was nearly impossible for me or any of the other guys to get a girl for a dance, and everyone wanted one since we all got suckered into pre-buying a dance to get free admission.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (0.5/5) – I'll give them half a point for having some body type and age variation, but I've only seen boring white girls here, though that shouldn't be a shocker considering the location. This is getting to be a sizable Hispanic population nearby, so hopefully some Latinas start working here fairly soon.
Attitude of dancers (1/10) – These girls mostly just talk amongst themselves, they walk around the room between songs asking for tips, and they ask for tips before the lap dances. It's hard to blame them too much since the club doesn't give them a cut of the dance fee, but it's such a buzzkill from the customer's perspective.
Value (1/10) – They waive the $12 cover if you buy a dance ticket, but you should probably check out the dancers and make sure that there's someone worthy of your dance money before you agree to that option. I don't think that you can buy a single dance, but you can get 2 for $30, 3 for $40 or 4 for $50, though if you're going for that option, the 20 min VIP for the same price is probably a slightly less terrible deal. The real killer is that the girls will tell you that you're expected to match the prices for a tip. The only reason that I'm even giving them a point is that it's BYOB, but you'd have to bring a shitload of beer to make this place tolerable.
Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in small booths down a tiny hallway off of the main dance room. There's a small chair in there, and even though there are no doors on the booths, the second one would be reasonably private if it weren't for the camera that captures the lack of action.
Club Setup (-1/10) – Miss Lindsay's has the worst setup that I've ever seen, which shouldn't come as a real surprise considering that it's located in the back of a porn store. In the main room, there are rows of tiny chairs that are set up like the least comfortable movie theater of all time. There's one couch in the room, but they yell at customers for sitting there, because apparently it's reserved for dancers, even though I've never seen dancers sitting on it. Everything about this place is so bad that even the neon painting of a scantily clad woman riding a dolphin that's on the wall can't save it. And the fact the "bathroom" is a port-a-john in the parking lot is enough to earn this place the first negative score in the history of this site.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The atmosphere isn't good, but the relatively safe crowd and the unintentional comedy factor are enough to earn them a point.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – Miss Lindsay's is in the mountains about half way between Gettysburg and Chambersburg. Mr. Ed's is the only thing nearby that's worthwhile, but considering that it's a candy store with a talking elephant out front, there probably isn't a big overlap between these two establishments' clienteles.
Overall – This place is better than Silk Stockings in Shippensburg, but it's still one of the worst clubs that I've ever been to, and there's really no reason to ever go here. I'll admit that there aren't a whole lot of other choices in the area, but if you're desperate for a club, you're much better off driving the hour to West Virginia. Not that the West Virginia clubs are great, but they're a hell of a lot better than this shithole.
TOTAL SCORE = 16.5
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Fantasy's Island (Duncannon, PA)
Quality of Dances (7.5/20) – Even though the dances are probably the best thing about this place, they're still average at best. The girls create some friction with their legs and don't seem to have a problem with customers touching their legs and hips, but your hands better not find their way to the girl's upper body. If she doesn't enforce the policy (and she almost certainly will), the guy who's watching the closed circuit TV feed of your dance will.
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – Most of these girls have seen better days, and something tells me that they weren't even all that great in their primes. There's some overlap here, but in addition to the worn out girls, there are also lots of fat girls and bad tattoos. There's one lady who is significantly hotter than anyone else in the club, and she'd probably rate as a Duncannon 10. For those of you who aren't familiar with the area, that's the equivalent of about a 6 anywhere else in the free world.
Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – I've found the dancer-to-customer ratio to be acceptable during both of my visits. Still, less than half a dozen girls working on a Friday night and only one girl during my other visit (several years ago) is pretty poor.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – There are some black and some white dancers and a variety of body types and ages, but the variety is worth a lot less when there's only one hot girl in the building.
Attitude of dancers (0/10) – After giving a girl a $10 tip for 1 dance, I was told, "I won't say anything, but if that's all you're going to tip, most girls will cuss you out." Well I won't say anything, but if you act like that, most guys will call you a raging bitch.
Value (1.5/10) – There's a $15 cover and dances are $25, though 2 are $35, 3 are $45, and 4 are $55. The worst part is that, thanks to the fact that girls don't get a cut of the dance fee, customers are expected to match all of those prices. Massages are also offered and those start at $70. The stage action is fully nude, but it's still fairly weak, even for the rainmakers in the crowd. The only real plus is that its BYOB, so I highly recommend hitting a package store if you insist on coming to this place (Update: According to one of my readers, they now serve alcohol, so it may no longer by BYOB, but I sure as hell am not going to re-visit it to confirm that).
Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in a separate room on a couch, so it feels fairly private until you notice the camera pointing right at you and the very bright lighting which means that whoever is monitoring the camera feed won't have any problem seeing what you're up to.
Club Setup (1/10) – This club is located in what appears to be a former rec room on the first floor of a house. There's a small stage in the corner, several small tables and one couch in back. The only thing that makes the setup seem tolerable is that it's a lot better than it used to be. A few years ago, the club was located in party bus parked in the driveway of this same shitty house. At least in the present club you don't have to worry about being kidnapped during your lap dance.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – The smoke, the somewhat rough crowd and the pimpish looking guy making it rain all added up to about as bad an atmosphere as you can get. They get half a point based on the assumption that it wouldn't be quite as terrible if you bring beer. Lots and lots of beer.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – Like everything else in Duncannon, this place is in the middle of nowhere. Technically, you could get here from Harrisburg in a little under half an hour, but I really don't know why you'd want to.
Overall – Sadly, I think I preferred this place when it was a bus. Back then, it was shittily unique; now it's just shitty. If you need to hit a club in Duncannon, you're much better off across the street at Club Babylon. Better yet, drive the extra half hour to Wild J's in Port Trevorton. Of course, the best option of all is to save your cash for some time when you can go to a club that isn't in central Pennsylvania.
RAW SCORE = 20
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – Most of these girls have seen better days, and something tells me that they weren't even all that great in their primes. There's some overlap here, but in addition to the worn out girls, there are also lots of fat girls and bad tattoos. There's one lady who is significantly hotter than anyone else in the club, and she'd probably rate as a Duncannon 10. For those of you who aren't familiar with the area, that's the equivalent of about a 6 anywhere else in the free world.
Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – I've found the dancer-to-customer ratio to be acceptable during both of my visits. Still, less than half a dozen girls working on a Friday night and only one girl during my other visit (several years ago) is pretty poor.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – There are some black and some white dancers and a variety of body types and ages, but the variety is worth a lot less when there's only one hot girl in the building.
Attitude of dancers (0/10) – After giving a girl a $10 tip for 1 dance, I was told, "I won't say anything, but if that's all you're going to tip, most girls will cuss you out." Well I won't say anything, but if you act like that, most guys will call you a raging bitch.
Value (1.5/10) – There's a $15 cover and dances are $25, though 2 are $35, 3 are $45, and 4 are $55. The worst part is that, thanks to the fact that girls don't get a cut of the dance fee, customers are expected to match all of those prices. Massages are also offered and those start at $70. The stage action is fully nude, but it's still fairly weak, even for the rainmakers in the crowd. The only real plus is that its BYOB, so I highly recommend hitting a package store if you insist on coming to this place (Update: According to one of my readers, they now serve alcohol, so it may no longer by BYOB, but I sure as hell am not going to re-visit it to confirm that).
Dance Setup (4/10) – Dances are given in a separate room on a couch, so it feels fairly private until you notice the camera pointing right at you and the very bright lighting which means that whoever is monitoring the camera feed won't have any problem seeing what you're up to.
Club Setup (1/10) – This club is located in what appears to be a former rec room on the first floor of a house. There's a small stage in the corner, several small tables and one couch in back. The only thing that makes the setup seem tolerable is that it's a lot better than it used to be. A few years ago, the club was located in party bus parked in the driveway of this same shitty house. At least in the present club you don't have to worry about being kidnapped during your lap dance.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – The smoke, the somewhat rough crowd and the pimpish looking guy making it rain all added up to about as bad an atmosphere as you can get. They get half a point based on the assumption that it wouldn't be quite as terrible if you bring beer. Lots and lots of beer.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – Like everything else in Duncannon, this place is in the middle of nowhere. Technically, you could get here from Harrisburg in a little under half an hour, but I really don't know why you'd want to.
Overall – Sadly, I think I preferred this place when it was a bus. Back then, it was shittily unique; now it's just shitty. If you need to hit a club in Duncannon, you're much better off across the street at Club Babylon. Better yet, drive the extra half hour to Wild J's in Port Trevorton. Of course, the best option of all is to save your cash for some time when you can go to a club that isn't in central Pennsylvania.
RAW SCORE = 20
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Club Rouge (Portland, OR)
Quality of Dances (9/20) – You can watch your erection rise and fall as you are told that lap dances are full contact (up), and “full contact” means “you can’t touch her” (down). There is significant grinding action from the ladies, but they’re very explicit about the no touching rule. If I had an erection, I just lost it. Even if there are a few girls here and there who will let you go above and beyond, a bouncer pops his head in every few minutes to make sure you’re not having too good a time.
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – There was only one girl in the entire club who I would not consider banging, as almost all dancers had fantastic athletic bodies and real bombs. As in any Portland establishment, you’ll need a high tolerance for ink and piercings, although I did spot perhaps the one stripper in the Portland area who had no tattoos at all.
Number of Dancers (8/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good being that there are four other clubs within walking distance of this place. The bouncer told me there are normally 25 or so, but I’d have to see it to believe it.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – On a Friday night there were 13 thin white brunettes, two blondes and one black girl who reminded me of Raynesha from Reno 911. I hope you like them thick.
Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – Even after a girl on stage took my $10 and said she had a customer waiting and then would come say hi to me, she never did and neither did anyone else. I had to work my Peter magic with a few different girls on stage to get anyone to stop over. Even at that, it was all business from the start. They get a few points for not hating life, but that’s all.
Value (5.5/10) – There’s a $5 cover, $5 beers (at most, and a nice selection), and $20 dances, making Club Rouge pretty standard for the Portland area. The VIP room is $150 for 30 minutes, and if your plan is to just go upstairs and get dances, it’s worth it. If you are looking for small talk in any way, shape or form, don’t bother. We did see some serious grinding on the stage, but most likely that is reserved for regulars as I tried like hell to join in and struck out miserably.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – There is a lightly curtained area in the corner of the club that is about 15 feet long and 7 feet wide with four comfortable wide chairs—that are right next to each other. To make things worse, somehow it’s more lit than any other part of the club and as previously stated, the bouncer peaks in more often than the tits shake, so it’s a real downer.
Club Setup (6/10) – The bar is very small and there is not much room to get by it to the main floor. Not a big deal except for weekend nights, when it’s a huge deal and very annoying. Once you get in though, there are two small circular stages in the middle (with a girl on each stage at all times), a comfortable booth along the entire perimeter of the club with tables and chairs opposite the booths, and chairs around the stage area.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Rouge tries hard to give the appearance of an upscale, Foxy Lady type club. The bouncers are in black suits with US Secret Service earpieces that they love talking into. You need to be at least semi put-together to get in here, including straightening out your backwards hat. I felt incredibly uncomfortable. There is no way to get a groove on when it looks like the CIA is watching your every move. Even more awkward, there is a corner of the room where several girls stand around looking alternately lost, bored, or in a time out. This is the under-21 cadre of Club Rouge dancers, and, by law, they can only move from the stage to the dance area to the DJ booth. Most clubs will serve alcohol and hire dancers 21 or older, or else sport the youngbloods and leave out the firewater. This is Club Rouge’s solution to having both alcohol and dancers under 21.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Rouge is in downtown Portland. You can take the MAX, you can take the bus, you can ride your bike. After you come out, you can get food or find another strip club in almost any direction. Or you can just stumble over to the Willamette river and puke over the railing while taking in the scenery. The possibilities are endless.
Overall – For anyone who is interested in the tease, here it is. The cover is almost nothing, but not quite. The dances are full contact, but not from you. The dance chairs are comfy, until the bouncer winks at you. The VIP room is private, unless someone looks up at the window to wave. If you need something to rile you up so you can go home and bang the shit out of the missus, this is the place for you.
TOTAL SCORE = 50
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – There was only one girl in the entire club who I would not consider banging, as almost all dancers had fantastic athletic bodies and real bombs. As in any Portland establishment, you’ll need a high tolerance for ink and piercings, although I did spot perhaps the one stripper in the Portland area who had no tattoos at all.
Number of Dancers (8/10) – Sixteen girls on a Friday is pretty good being that there are four other clubs within walking distance of this place. The bouncer told me there are normally 25 or so, but I’d have to see it to believe it.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – On a Friday night there were 13 thin white brunettes, two blondes and one black girl who reminded me of Raynesha from Reno 911. I hope you like them thick.
Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – Even after a girl on stage took my $10 and said she had a customer waiting and then would come say hi to me, she never did and neither did anyone else. I had to work my Peter magic with a few different girls on stage to get anyone to stop over. Even at that, it was all business from the start. They get a few points for not hating life, but that’s all.
Value (5.5/10) – There’s a $5 cover, $5 beers (at most, and a nice selection), and $20 dances, making Club Rouge pretty standard for the Portland area. The VIP room is $150 for 30 minutes, and if your plan is to just go upstairs and get dances, it’s worth it. If you are looking for small talk in any way, shape or form, don’t bother. We did see some serious grinding on the stage, but most likely that is reserved for regulars as I tried like hell to join in and struck out miserably.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – There is a lightly curtained area in the corner of the club that is about 15 feet long and 7 feet wide with four comfortable wide chairs—that are right next to each other. To make things worse, somehow it’s more lit than any other part of the club and as previously stated, the bouncer peaks in more often than the tits shake, so it’s a real downer.
Club Setup (6/10) – The bar is very small and there is not much room to get by it to the main floor. Not a big deal except for weekend nights, when it’s a huge deal and very annoying. Once you get in though, there are two small circular stages in the middle (with a girl on each stage at all times), a comfortable booth along the entire perimeter of the club with tables and chairs opposite the booths, and chairs around the stage area.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – Rouge tries hard to give the appearance of an upscale, Foxy Lady type club. The bouncers are in black suits with US Secret Service earpieces that they love talking into. You need to be at least semi put-together to get in here, including straightening out your backwards hat. I felt incredibly uncomfortable. There is no way to get a groove on when it looks like the CIA is watching your every move. Even more awkward, there is a corner of the room where several girls stand around looking alternately lost, bored, or in a time out. This is the under-21 cadre of Club Rouge dancers, and, by law, they can only move from the stage to the dance area to the DJ booth. Most clubs will serve alcohol and hire dancers 21 or older, or else sport the youngbloods and leave out the firewater. This is Club Rouge’s solution to having both alcohol and dancers under 21.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Rouge is in downtown Portland. You can take the MAX, you can take the bus, you can ride your bike. After you come out, you can get food or find another strip club in almost any direction. Or you can just stumble over to the Willamette river and puke over the railing while taking in the scenery. The possibilities are endless.
Overall – For anyone who is interested in the tease, here it is. The cover is almost nothing, but not quite. The dances are full contact, but not from you. The dance chairs are comfy, until the bouncer winks at you. The VIP room is private, unless someone looks up at the window to wave. If you need something to rile you up so you can go home and bang the shit out of the missus, this is the place for you.
TOTAL SCORE = 50
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Bishop's Corner (Bridgeport, CT)
Quality of dances (17/20) – You should be pleased by the dances at Bishop's Corner as long as you're more brave than you are choosy. The dances that I've gotten here have been very enjoyable, with all the ladies really giving it their all. The ladies all seemed fine with me doing some tit groping, and I'm fairly certain that I'd have gotten away with some crotch grabbing too if I'd wanted to. My sense of decency was really the only limiting factor on the contact, and one girl was completely shocked that I just wanted a dance rather than a "dance." She didn't think I was serious at first, but once she realized that I was, here's the conversation that we had:
Dancer: "So you no want a blow job or anything?"
Me: "No thanks. I don't pay for sex."
Dancer: "Then why you come to Bishop's Corner?"
...And that pretty much sums up the type of place that this is.
Disclaimer: As far as I know, it was just the individual girls that I talked to who offer extras. I'm sure there are some girls here who don't, and I didn't see any signs that management condones those activities.
Quality of dancers (1/10) – Club 418 in Springfield used to advertise that they had the biggest girls in New England, but this place could have given them a run for their money. I'm not talking about girls who haven't shed their baby fat or girls who are pleasantly plump - most of these girls are just obese. During my second visit, there was one legitimately hot dancer working, but one hot dancer in two visits just doesn't cut it.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – There were a decent number of girls working when I stopped by on a Friday night, but there were almost too many guys to even fit in the place, so the ratio was terrible. On a Sunday afternoon, there were only 3 girls working, but that was plenty for the limited number of customers. And in my defense, I don't usually visit clubs on Sunday afternoon, but I had to make an exception for this place. I was too freaked out by the "someone's about to start shooting people" atmosphere on a Friday night to stay for a dance, but I wanted to complete this review and thought that Sunday afternoon would be the only time safe enough for me to risk it.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Every girl that I saw was either black or Latina (not that I mind that), and almost every one of them was oversized (yeah, I do mind that).
Attitude of dancers (4/10) – These girls can't get by on their looks, but thankfully, most of them seem to have fairly good personalities. It was too loud and crowded for anyone to have much extended interaction with the dancers on a Friday evening, but that's not the fault of the dancers. My only real complaint is that the girl that I mentioned above spent two entire songs trying to convince me to get a bj, and didn't seem too happy that I was shooting her down. Not that I'm such a stud that girls just beg to blow me (well that too), but I think she started to suspect that I might be a cop and figured her only hope of not getting arrested was to convince me to go through with it.
Value (5.5/10) – There's no cover, dances are $20, and beers are $4 each. Everything here is a decent value, but it doesn't have the bargain basement type prices that I would have expected from such a dump. I was quoted $80 for other services, but I didn't try to negotiate that and I'm sure it varies from girl to girl among those who do that stuff.
Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The dance area is in the back of the club off to the left hand side when you walk in. There's a moveable wooden privacy wall that encloses a single couch in the area, so you have more than enough privacy to do as much as you and the girl are willing to do. I wouldn't want to see the couch under a blacklight, but it actually is fairly comfortable if you can ignore the fact that some dude probably just had his bare ass on it.
Club Setup (1/10) – This is a small club with a long but very cramped bar and a tiny stage. If you spend a few hundred bucks to add a bar to your living room, you could probably create as good of a setup for a strip club as you'll find in this place.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – This is the first time that I've ever left a club before getting a dance out of fear for my car and my life. They do pat down customers, but it seems like something bad will happen here. Also, it was very smoky in here, which is less than ideal if you're a non-smoker and have to explain your smokiness to anyone. The atmosphere actually wasn't too bad on a Sunday afternoon, but the fact that I felt the need to go on a Sunday afternoon for safety reasons should tell you all that you need to know about this place.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – This club is in a run down residential neighborhood in east Bridgeport, and since there's no parking lot, you have to find parking on the side streets. While I was there, there where homeless people wandering around checking out the cars, but at least the club does have security cameras pointing outwards and shows the video in the club so you can try to keep an eye on your car.
Overall – Unless you're looking for a whorehouse, that's no reason to go to Bishop's Corner. Honestly, even if I was looking for a whorehouse, it just wouldn't be worth the risk to my safety to spend much time here. Strip clubs generally aren't the safest places in the world, but there are only a few clubs where I really get the feeling that it's only a matter of time until something really bad happens, and this is one of them. Stay safe out there.
RAW SCORE = 41
Number of Dancers (3/10) – There were a decent number of girls working when I stopped by on a Friday night, but there were almost too many guys to even fit in the place, so the ratio was terrible. On a Sunday afternoon, there were only 3 girls working, but that was plenty for the limited number of customers. And in my defense, I don't usually visit clubs on Sunday afternoon, but I had to make an exception for this place. I was too freaked out by the "someone's about to start shooting people" atmosphere on a Friday night to stay for a dance, but I wanted to complete this review and thought that Sunday afternoon would be the only time safe enough for me to risk it.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Every girl that I saw was either black or Latina (not that I mind that), and almost every one of them was oversized (yeah, I do mind that).
Attitude of dancers (4/10) – These girls can't get by on their looks, but thankfully, most of them seem to have fairly good personalities. It was too loud and crowded for anyone to have much extended interaction with the dancers on a Friday evening, but that's not the fault of the dancers. My only real complaint is that the girl that I mentioned above spent two entire songs trying to convince me to get a bj, and didn't seem too happy that I was shooting her down. Not that I'm such a stud that girls just beg to blow me (well that too), but I think she started to suspect that I might be a cop and figured her only hope of not getting arrested was to convince me to go through with it.
Value (5.5/10) – There's no cover, dances are $20, and beers are $4 each. Everything here is a decent value, but it doesn't have the bargain basement type prices that I would have expected from such a dump. I was quoted $80 for other services, but I didn't try to negotiate that and I'm sure it varies from girl to girl among those who do that stuff.
Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The dance area is in the back of the club off to the left hand side when you walk in. There's a moveable wooden privacy wall that encloses a single couch in the area, so you have more than enough privacy to do as much as you and the girl are willing to do. I wouldn't want to see the couch under a blacklight, but it actually is fairly comfortable if you can ignore the fact that some dude probably just had his bare ass on it.
Club Setup (1/10) – This is a small club with a long but very cramped bar and a tiny stage. If you spend a few hundred bucks to add a bar to your living room, you could probably create as good of a setup for a strip club as you'll find in this place.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – This is the first time that I've ever left a club before getting a dance out of fear for my car and my life. They do pat down customers, but it seems like something bad will happen here. Also, it was very smoky in here, which is less than ideal if you're a non-smoker and have to explain your smokiness to anyone. The atmosphere actually wasn't too bad on a Sunday afternoon, but the fact that I felt the need to go on a Sunday afternoon for safety reasons should tell you all that you need to know about this place.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – This club is in a run down residential neighborhood in east Bridgeport, and since there's no parking lot, you have to find parking on the side streets. While I was there, there where homeless people wandering around checking out the cars, but at least the club does have security cameras pointing outwards and shows the video in the club so you can try to keep an eye on your car.
Overall – Unless you're looking for a whorehouse, that's no reason to go to Bishop's Corner. Honestly, even if I was looking for a whorehouse, it just wouldn't be worth the risk to my safety to spend much time here. Strip clubs generally aren't the safest places in the world, but there are only a few clubs where I really get the feeling that it's only a matter of time until something really bad happens, and this is one of them. Stay safe out there.
RAW SCORE = 41
Monday, February 28, 2011
Elan's of Danbury (Danbury, CT)
Quality of Dances (7/20) – These are your run of the mill, mediocre lap dances. The girls don't mind if you touch their legs and most of them provide some moderate friction, but I've never walked away from a dance here thinking, "that was totally worth $25."
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – I don't get to Danbury often, so my sample size is fairly small, but most of the girls that I've seen here have been surprisingly hot and all of them have been at least decent. A lot of them are in their late 20s, so you might be disappointed if you're into the barely legal types, but I'll take a hot 29 year old over a busted 22 year old anyday.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – There were well over a dozen women working in the early evening, which worked out to about a 1-to-1 dancer-to-customer ratio. The ratio was lower when I visited later at night, but there were still plenty of attractive ladies to chose from.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – I've found a nice mix of races and nationalities at Elan's, with black girls, white girls, Asian girls, American girls and Russian girls in the mix. Most customers will probably appreciate that these girls are all fairly fit, but it might not be ideal for you if you're into thick chicks or are looking for something to grab onto during a lap dance. I guess that doesn't really matter too much though since two-way contact during the dances is too limited to allow for much grabbing anyway.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes at Elan's aren't terrible, but some of the ladies seem to be a little stuck up and they don't circulate as much as they should. Plus they lose another point because one dancer cut me off in the parking lot and gave me the finger. Ladies, be on your best behavior at all times, because you never know when you're in Peter's presence.
Value (3.5/10) – No individual aspect of this club is terribly overpriced, but everything is on the high side, with $25 dances, a $10 cover after 7, $4.50 beers and a fairly mediocre stage show.
Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in the same chairs that they have elsewhere in club and there's absolutely no privacy from other dancers/dancees or anyone else in the place. The one row of chairs along the right-side wall at least faces away from most of the club, but that's still pretty bad. Making matters even worse is the fact that this whole place is way too bright, so it's even easier than it would otherwise be for any voyeurs to watch.
Club Setup (6/10) – They have a large bar with a very low stage several feet away inside, another small stage and the main stage which they only use when they're busy. That's all fine, and they do have reasonably comfortable chairs throughout the club, but the tiny tables suck if you're here with a group. Thankfully, they at least have two or three slightly better tables in the back.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The crowd is usually pretty decent and this place just generally has a solid vibe. It's not at all threatening and is definitely somewhere that I'd consider hosting a bachelor party if any members of the bride-to-be's family were going to be in attendance.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Elan's of Danbury is, unsurprisingly, not far from Danbury, but it's not particularly close to anything else of note. I don't think there's any type of mass transit in the area, so you'll need to drive to get here, but at least they do have more than enough parking if you can manage to steer around the crazy angry strippers in the lot.
Overall – This place is better than I expected, but it's a little on the upscale side for my tastes. The atmosphere makes it perfect for business meetings or outings with the girlfriend, but the mediocre dances and the lack of privacy mean that degenerates like me would be better off saving the cash for a shadier club.
TOTAL SCORE = 47.5
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – I don't get to Danbury often, so my sample size is fairly small, but most of the girls that I've seen here have been surprisingly hot and all of them have been at least decent. A lot of them are in their late 20s, so you might be disappointed if you're into the barely legal types, but I'll take a hot 29 year old over a busted 22 year old anyday.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – There were well over a dozen women working in the early evening, which worked out to about a 1-to-1 dancer-to-customer ratio. The ratio was lower when I visited later at night, but there were still plenty of attractive ladies to chose from.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – I've found a nice mix of races and nationalities at Elan's, with black girls, white girls, Asian girls, American girls and Russian girls in the mix. Most customers will probably appreciate that these girls are all fairly fit, but it might not be ideal for you if you're into thick chicks or are looking for something to grab onto during a lap dance. I guess that doesn't really matter too much though since two-way contact during the dances is too limited to allow for much grabbing anyway.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes at Elan's aren't terrible, but some of the ladies seem to be a little stuck up and they don't circulate as much as they should. Plus they lose another point because one dancer cut me off in the parking lot and gave me the finger. Ladies, be on your best behavior at all times, because you never know when you're in Peter's presence.
Value (3.5/10) – No individual aspect of this club is terribly overpriced, but everything is on the high side, with $25 dances, a $10 cover after 7, $4.50 beers and a fairly mediocre stage show.
Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in the same chairs that they have elsewhere in club and there's absolutely no privacy from other dancers/dancees or anyone else in the place. The one row of chairs along the right-side wall at least faces away from most of the club, but that's still pretty bad. Making matters even worse is the fact that this whole place is way too bright, so it's even easier than it would otherwise be for any voyeurs to watch.
Club Setup (6/10) – They have a large bar with a very low stage several feet away inside, another small stage and the main stage which they only use when they're busy. That's all fine, and they do have reasonably comfortable chairs throughout the club, but the tiny tables suck if you're here with a group. Thankfully, they at least have two or three slightly better tables in the back.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The crowd is usually pretty decent and this place just generally has a solid vibe. It's not at all threatening and is definitely somewhere that I'd consider hosting a bachelor party if any members of the bride-to-be's family were going to be in attendance.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Elan's of Danbury is, unsurprisingly, not far from Danbury, but it's not particularly close to anything else of note. I don't think there's any type of mass transit in the area, so you'll need to drive to get here, but at least they do have more than enough parking if you can manage to steer around the crazy angry strippers in the lot.
Overall – This place is better than I expected, but it's a little on the upscale side for my tastes. The atmosphere makes it perfect for business meetings or outings with the girlfriend, but the mediocre dances and the lack of privacy mean that degenerates like me would be better off saving the cash for a shadier club.
TOTAL SCORE = 47.5
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Ten's Show Club (Salisbury, MA)
Quality of dances (2/20) – The dances here are a huge disappointment. Almost everything else about the club is average or better, but my hands were planted firmly at my sides and the girl never worked her way beyond mid-thigh.
Quality of dancers (5/10) – I know someone who now refers to the Ten's as the Fours, reflecting the club's fall from grace in dancer quality. I don't think it's quite that bad, but I can't rate them above average these days. The dancers' bodies are still tight, but it seems that most of the pretty faces have left for greener pastures. This is especially depressing because the Ten's used to have some of the best talent in Massachusetts. There is one caveat: because this is a beachfront club, it's very possible that the hotties leave for the winter because of slowed business and then roll back in when the sun comes out. I'll give it another shot in June and see if that hypothesis is supported.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – When I was here last year on a Friday evening, the club was overflowing with dancers; there were at least as many dancers as customers. Last night, however, the ratio was less favorable. Perhaps 12-15 dancers were working, which is a light workforce for a club of this size.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - With the exception of a few exotic outliers, the vast majority of women here are white. Still, there's a wide enough variety of body types and hair colors to keep anyone interested.
Attitude of dancers (7.5/10) – It's rare to find girls at this classy of a club who are this down to earth. They don't mind spending some time with the customers, and the sales pitch is subtle or non-existent. One girl sat and talked to me for 20 minutes, and without trying to sell me on a dance, eventually said, "I guess I should get back to work now," then left to talk to other customers. I know she was working when she was talking to me too, but it's a nice approach that more girls should use. Also, despite there being little contact at the stage (see the Value score below), dancers tend to be very interactive and playful up there, which is fun.
Value (3/10) – The cover and the drinks are steep at $10 ($5 before 7 PM and $15 after 9 PM) and $6 (Miller Lite, of course) respectively, and there's not much contact at the stage or in the dances. The lap dances are $20, but they're no different than the $10 table dances.
Dance Setup (2/10) – You can either sit in a chair in the back of the club or in a chair on the 2nd floor. There aren't usually many people on the 2nd floor, so it could be worse, but the dance setup it still pretty bad.
Club Setup (9/10) – This is a large circular club with a bar around about half of the outside of the circle. There's a large clover-leaf stage in the center of the club, and it's surrounded by plenty of tables and chairs. The second floor is mainly set up for viewing the three huge televisions on the wall, but there's also a balcony that overlooks the main stage. I didn't see the third floor, but apparently it's usually available for private parties. Ignoring the shitty dance setup, the rest of this club has by far the best design of any club in the state, and is one of the most well-designed clubs I've ever been to.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – For an upscale club, this place actually still has a fairly relaxed atmosphere. In addition to the friendly dancers, there are always massage girls and often groups of curious women who wander in from the beach. The pole dancing used to be superb, but it appears to have taken a turn for the worse. Preston is still making it happen up there, as are a couple of other women.However, they're the exception these days, not the rule.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – Salisbury isn't really close to anything else, but if you're going to Salisbury beach, the club is right beside it.
Overall – Ten's Show Club is by far the best upscale club in Massachusetts. The dances are legitimately awful and the drinks are overpriced, but those are my only real complaints about the place. If you want to introduce a girl to strip clubs or are in the mood to look but not touch, there really isn't a better option in Massachusetts.
TOTAL SCORE = 47
Quality of dancers (5/10) – I know someone who now refers to the Ten's as the Fours, reflecting the club's fall from grace in dancer quality. I don't think it's quite that bad, but I can't rate them above average these days. The dancers' bodies are still tight, but it seems that most of the pretty faces have left for greener pastures. This is especially depressing because the Ten's used to have some of the best talent in Massachusetts. There is one caveat: because this is a beachfront club, it's very possible that the hotties leave for the winter because of slowed business and then roll back in when the sun comes out. I'll give it another shot in June and see if that hypothesis is supported.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – When I was here last year on a Friday evening, the club was overflowing with dancers; there were at least as many dancers as customers. Last night, however, the ratio was less favorable. Perhaps 12-15 dancers were working, which is a light workforce for a club of this size.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - With the exception of a few exotic outliers, the vast majority of women here are white. Still, there's a wide enough variety of body types and hair colors to keep anyone interested.
Attitude of dancers (7.5/10) – It's rare to find girls at this classy of a club who are this down to earth. They don't mind spending some time with the customers, and the sales pitch is subtle or non-existent. One girl sat and talked to me for 20 minutes, and without trying to sell me on a dance, eventually said, "I guess I should get back to work now," then left to talk to other customers. I know she was working when she was talking to me too, but it's a nice approach that more girls should use. Also, despite there being little contact at the stage (see the Value score below), dancers tend to be very interactive and playful up there, which is fun.
Value (3/10) – The cover and the drinks are steep at $10 ($5 before 7 PM and $15 after 9 PM) and $6 (Miller Lite, of course) respectively, and there's not much contact at the stage or in the dances. The lap dances are $20, but they're no different than the $10 table dances.
Dance Setup (2/10) – You can either sit in a chair in the back of the club or in a chair on the 2nd floor. There aren't usually many people on the 2nd floor, so it could be worse, but the dance setup it still pretty bad.
Club Setup (9/10) – This is a large circular club with a bar around about half of the outside of the circle. There's a large clover-leaf stage in the center of the club, and it's surrounded by plenty of tables and chairs. The second floor is mainly set up for viewing the three huge televisions on the wall, but there's also a balcony that overlooks the main stage. I didn't see the third floor, but apparently it's usually available for private parties. Ignoring the shitty dance setup, the rest of this club has by far the best design of any club in the state, and is one of the most well-designed clubs I've ever been to.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – For an upscale club, this place actually still has a fairly relaxed atmosphere. In addition to the friendly dancers, there are always massage girls and often groups of curious women who wander in from the beach. The pole dancing used to be superb, but it appears to have taken a turn for the worse. Preston is still making it happen up there, as are a couple of other women.However, they're the exception these days, not the rule.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – Salisbury isn't really close to anything else, but if you're going to Salisbury beach, the club is right beside it.
Overall – Ten's Show Club is by far the best upscale club in Massachusetts. The dances are legitimately awful and the drinks are overpriced, but those are my only real complaints about the place. If you want to introduce a girl to strip clubs or are in the mood to look but not touch, there really isn't a better option in Massachusetts.
TOTAL SCORE = 47
Monday, February 14, 2011
Charlie Sheen+Barbie+Reinforced Bras+Christianity+Belly Dancing = Peter Tips?
Now usually I don't do this (what with my blogging having the regularity of a German Bahnhof), but I can't help but break the rhythm of my regularly-scheduled posting today.
I was looking at the blog this morning and happened to check out the Amazon Contextual Product Ads that sit along the right-hand side. I typically don't pay any attention to that stuff and just added the functionality because I figured it might make me money (note to self: it doesn't).
Anyway, after looking at today's crop of ads, I can't figure out if the ad-choosing algorithm writers are mad geniuses, high-functioning potheads, or monkeys throwing feces at a dartboard.
Here's what we've got for sale on the big board:
The Third Season of Two and a Half Men on DVD
This just cracks me up. Ladies and gentlemen, witness the power of Charlie Sheen. This guy is such a cracked-out, porn star obsessed, fivesome-loving degenerate that his aura can cause America's number one comedy, watched by millions of families every week, to be featured on a strip club review blog.
"Hmm, let's see, these readers are into paying women to flash their pierced bajingos and bleached backdoors at close range while drinking cheap light beer and hanging out in dimly-lit rooms with gentlemen who may or may not be prime candidates for To Catch a Predator. What else do they love? What...else...do...they...love? Boom! Charlie Sheen!"
Two other questions:
First, if not for Mr. Sheen's recent antics, do you think this ad would have found its way onto the blog? I'm not so sure, which makes me think that this ad algorithm might actually comb internet news stories and cross-reference word choices with those in this blog (stripper, cocaine, porn, blowjob, etc.). Amazing.
Second, why season 3? There are 8 seasons of Two and a Half Men. Season 3 came out on DVD in like 2006. What is it about that season that screams Peter Tips today? I'm not sure we'll ever know, but I'd be interested in hearing hypotheses.
Three Dancers One Dance: Vision and Practicalities of Small Christian Communities and Groups
This actually pops up in the ad as just Three Dancers One Dance, which made me think that it had some potential. I was a little nervous that it might be the next iteration of Two Girls One Cup, so at first I was hesitant to click the link, but ultimately I went for it. As it turns out, the actual product is far more offensive to me than Two Girls One Cup could ever be.
Honestly, even after reading the book's description, I can't even figure out what it's about. It appears to be a guide for "running" Christian communities, whatever the fuck that means. It claims to "enrich and open new horizons for groups of all kinds, not least of those youth (emphasis added)." Crrreeeeeeeeepy. That shit sounds like How to Start a Cult in Ten Easy Steps.
I can only assume this link is here to give Amazon the appearance of some sort of neutral advertising balance, even where it's totally worthless and unnecessary (kind of like how cable news networks used to bring in Ann Coulter to give an opinion on the issues of the day).
Posture Perfect Back Support Brace
This is tremendous, much like the tits it's designed to support. That's what this is for, right? "Widely used by equestrians," my ass. This bad boy exists for all the naturally big-busted women in the world that I love, to save them from the inevitable back problems associated with their gift from God. Thanks for reading and understanding my tastes, Amazon polynomial. It's like we've known each other forever.
Step-by-Step BellyDance DVD with Leilainia
Okay, this one makes sense. It's obviously for dudes who don't have the balls to buy pole-dancing lessons for their wives...yet. I understand. You've gotta to ease into that stuff. You can't be all: "Hey honey, look what I got you for Valentine's Day. A series of really expensive classes that will help you look and move more like all of those women who I spend 10% of our income on every week." You've gotta have a helluva cool wife to pull that shit off up front.
This DVD lets you start the transition. "No, it's not stripping, it's belly dancing, a Middle Eastern tradition practiced for 200 years. You're such a great dancer already, and this will be a fun way to learn something that you've never tried before. I've heard it's very empowering. And you can do it right here at home."
By the way, Leilainia is hot. Smoking hot. So much that I may just go ahead and purchase this DVD for myself. That's not a bad way to spend $16, is it? Is it bad that I'm so obsessed with women and consumerism that I can't even avoid spending money on the ads generated by my own blog?
Princess Genevieve Barbie Doll
Priceless. Who's being targeted here? Dancers who always wanted to be princesses? Their daughters? The daughters of customers? Doll collectors? Child molesters? All of the above?
By the way, fuck Barbie Dolls. Real women have curves. Real curves. And natural tits. And lap dance asses. And dark skin. And dark hair that doesn't run 3/4 of the way down their back. I know Mattel has moved towards more diverse models for their Barbies, but is that really anything more than a hollow gesture?
Also, $54.98? For a Barbie Doll? Only if it's filled with fine Colombian yayo. For that price, I could get one and a half seasons of Two and a Half Men and still have a few bucks left over to tip at the stage. Easy decision.
That's all I've got.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone.
I hope you're either getting laid or getting paid tonight. Either way, good luck.
I was looking at the blog this morning and happened to check out the Amazon Contextual Product Ads that sit along the right-hand side. I typically don't pay any attention to that stuff and just added the functionality because I figured it might make me money (note to self: it doesn't).
Anyway, after looking at today's crop of ads, I can't figure out if the ad-choosing algorithm writers are mad geniuses, high-functioning potheads, or monkeys throwing feces at a dartboard.
Here's what we've got for sale on the big board:
The Third Season of Two and a Half Men on DVD
This just cracks me up. Ladies and gentlemen, witness the power of Charlie Sheen. This guy is such a cracked-out, porn star obsessed, fivesome-loving degenerate that his aura can cause America's number one comedy, watched by millions of families every week, to be featured on a strip club review blog.
"Hmm, let's see, these readers are into paying women to flash their pierced bajingos and bleached backdoors at close range while drinking cheap light beer and hanging out in dimly-lit rooms with gentlemen who may or may not be prime candidates for To Catch a Predator. What else do they love? What...else...do...they...love? Boom! Charlie Sheen!"
Two other questions:
First, if not for Mr. Sheen's recent antics, do you think this ad would have found its way onto the blog? I'm not so sure, which makes me think that this ad algorithm might actually comb internet news stories and cross-reference word choices with those in this blog (stripper, cocaine, porn, blowjob, etc.). Amazing.
Second, why season 3? There are 8 seasons of Two and a Half Men. Season 3 came out on DVD in like 2006. What is it about that season that screams Peter Tips today? I'm not sure we'll ever know, but I'd be interested in hearing hypotheses.
Three Dancers One Dance: Vision and Practicalities of Small Christian Communities and Groups
This actually pops up in the ad as just Three Dancers One Dance, which made me think that it had some potential. I was a little nervous that it might be the next iteration of Two Girls One Cup, so at first I was hesitant to click the link, but ultimately I went for it. As it turns out, the actual product is far more offensive to me than Two Girls One Cup could ever be.
Honestly, even after reading the book's description, I can't even figure out what it's about. It appears to be a guide for "running" Christian communities, whatever the fuck that means. It claims to "enrich and open new horizons for groups of all kinds, not least of those youth (emphasis added)." Crrreeeeeeeeepy. That shit sounds like How to Start a Cult in Ten Easy Steps.
I can only assume this link is here to give Amazon the appearance of some sort of neutral advertising balance, even where it's totally worthless and unnecessary (kind of like how cable news networks used to bring in Ann Coulter to give an opinion on the issues of the day).
Posture Perfect Back Support Brace
This is tremendous, much like the tits it's designed to support. That's what this is for, right? "Widely used by equestrians," my ass. This bad boy exists for all the naturally big-busted women in the world that I love, to save them from the inevitable back problems associated with their gift from God. Thanks for reading and understanding my tastes, Amazon polynomial. It's like we've known each other forever.
Step-by-Step BellyDance DVD with Leilainia
Okay, this one makes sense. It's obviously for dudes who don't have the balls to buy pole-dancing lessons for their wives...yet. I understand. You've gotta to ease into that stuff. You can't be all: "Hey honey, look what I got you for Valentine's Day. A series of really expensive classes that will help you look and move more like all of those women who I spend 10% of our income on every week." You've gotta have a helluva cool wife to pull that shit off up front.
This DVD lets you start the transition. "No, it's not stripping, it's belly dancing, a Middle Eastern tradition practiced for 200 years. You're such a great dancer already, and this will be a fun way to learn something that you've never tried before. I've heard it's very empowering. And you can do it right here at home."
By the way, Leilainia is hot. Smoking hot. So much that I may just go ahead and purchase this DVD for myself. That's not a bad way to spend $16, is it? Is it bad that I'm so obsessed with women and consumerism that I can't even avoid spending money on the ads generated by my own blog?
Princess Genevieve Barbie Doll
Priceless. Who's being targeted here? Dancers who always wanted to be princesses? Their daughters? The daughters of customers? Doll collectors? Child molesters? All of the above?
By the way, fuck Barbie Dolls. Real women have curves. Real curves. And natural tits. And lap dance asses. And dark skin. And dark hair that doesn't run 3/4 of the way down their back. I know Mattel has moved towards more diverse models for their Barbies, but is that really anything more than a hollow gesture?
Also, $54.98? For a Barbie Doll? Only if it's filled with fine Colombian yayo. For that price, I could get one and a half seasons of Two and a Half Men and still have a few bucks left over to tip at the stage. Easy decision.
That's all I've got.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone.
I hope you're either getting laid or getting paid tonight. Either way, good luck.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Key Club Cabaret (New Haven, CT)
Note: The Key Club Cabaret was previously the Crazy Horse, but had to change their name due to a trademark dispute with the Vegas Crazy Horse. Previously, this was Stage Door Johnny's/Back Stage Johnny's.
Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls being fairly tame and some girls making a solid attempt to get the job done. Still, even most of the more tame girls have a few moves to make a dance worthwhile. Also, the dances here are usually nude if you stick around for multiple songs, though that's not a huge plus in my book due to the risk of having to get my dress pants dry-cleaned. A few girls have indicated that extras are available in the VIP area, but I haven't had $100+ to see if they're true to their word.
Quality of Dancers (5/10) – If you haven't been here since it was Johnny's, you should be pleased, because the quality has gone up significantly under new ownership. It's still rare to see any girls that I'd rate above an 8 and there are a few who are way past their sell-by date, but the majority of girls are now in the 5-7 range. Normally that would be worth around a 6, but I had to knock them down a point for having two "girls" that I'm fairly certain are post-op trannies. Maybe they're just strong-jawed ladies, but in either case, why would a club hire dancers who even beg that question?
Number of Dancers (6/10) – In the early evenings, there aren't usually a whole lot of dancers or customers. The lack of customers means that you'll have your pick of the litter, but the lack of dancers means that you still might not have much quality to chose from. Later in the evening, the number of dancers goes up much quicker than the number of customers, so there might be 2 dancers for every customer if you get here at the right time, and even if you don't, you shouldn't have a hard time getting a girl's attention for a dance. The only time that I've had a real problem was on a Sunday afternoon when there were no dancers, but the manager bought a few rounds of drinks for everyone who was there and the bartendress stepped up to offer lap dances. It still wasn't ideal, but I admire a club that at least makes the effort to make up for its shortcomings.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – The Key Club has a mix of black and white dancers and they've got more than enough size variation, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. For whatever reason, the black girls here were usually somewhat hotter than the white ones when this was Johnny's, but that trend seems to be slowly reversing recently.
Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – On multiple occasions, girls have been happy to show me around the club including the VIP dance area even without me asking, and most of them are friendly whether they're on stage or just sitting around bullshitting with customers. This seems like the type of place where's you'd run into some strung out girls, but that hasn't been my experience at all. I did once have to help a girl stay on her chair because she was falling down drunk, but otherwise, these girls seem to be fairly well put together.
Value (3/10) – There's a $10 cover after 6pm that gets you into both clubs and the $5 beers, $25 dances and moderate stage value are all ok, but there are much better values to be found elsewhere in Connecticut. I love lap dances, and these ones are pretty solid, but I have a hard time ever justifying more than one or two when they cost more than $20 each. Thankfully, some of the girls drop the price to $20 per dance after the first one since the club isn't taking a cut of that extra cash, so you should always ask about that before you agree to a dance if you're considering staying for multiple songs.
Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance booths from Johnny's are gone, so even though the dance area is classier now, it's not nearly as private. Still, it isn't terrible since there are two separate bench areas on the nude side of the club, and you can't see those areas unless you're in them. The ladies make sure to take you to the second bench area if there's already a guy in the first one, so you get an area to yourself as long as only one or two customers are getting dances at a time. Any more than that though, and it gets cramped and loses all privacy really quickly. If you're willing to drop the cash for the VIP dances, you'll go around the corner to a row of decent sized individual rooms with a large comfy couch in each. They don't have doors on the booths, but no one will see you unless they're going for a private dance, so it's still pretty solid if you're looking to get a little intimate.
Club Setup (4/10) – The new owners have put a lot of money into this place and it's certainly a huge improvement over the way it was before, but something is still missing. The topless side has a long bar that fills up quickly, a long bench style couch along the far side wall, and a large stage. The stage is reasonably nice overall, but it has one annoying flaw - it doesn't have a lower shelf or ledge where you can sit your drink, so you're choices are to awkwardly hold your beverage or to sit it right on the stage. Not a huge problem, but who knew they even make stages without a place to sit drinks? The nude side doesn't really seem to be a popular place to hang out, but it also has a decent stage with some chairs around it. I think the topless side needs some tables and booths to make it better for groups, because I really can't see coming here with more than one or two other guys.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The setup has become more upscale, but the old dive bar atmosphere still shows through. I imagine that it will eventually be fairly nice, but for now, it's kind of in that awkward zone where it's too classy to be a dive but too shitty to be classy. I could also see it getting rougher later at night, but the crowd has always been alright while I've been there.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The Key Club is very close to I-91, isn't too far from I-95, and is within walking distance of some of the best pizza in the U.S. over on Wooster Street. If you're from the area, I'm sure that you already have your preference and I know better than to try to change your mind, but if you're just passing through, I'd have to recommend Frank Pepe's if you're interested in toppings and Sally's if you're going for plain cheese. You can't go wrong either way though.
Overall – The Key Club is already the best club, by far, in New Haven. It may not be great, but the dances are very good and everything else is solid if you can overlook the varied quality of dancers. I'm guessing that the dancer quality will go up over time, but for now, that prevents me from adding it to my Connecticut rotation. Overall, it's about on par with Keepers in Milford, and even though I'd still probably chose Centerfolds in Berlin over the Key Club, the Key Club has become a very reasonable option if you're in New Haven and time is limited.
TOTAL SCORE = 51
Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls being fairly tame and some girls making a solid attempt to get the job done. Still, even most of the more tame girls have a few moves to make a dance worthwhile. Also, the dances here are usually nude if you stick around for multiple songs, though that's not a huge plus in my book due to the risk of having to get my dress pants dry-cleaned. A few girls have indicated that extras are available in the VIP area, but I haven't had $100+ to see if they're true to their word.
Quality of Dancers (5/10) – If you haven't been here since it was Johnny's, you should be pleased, because the quality has gone up significantly under new ownership. It's still rare to see any girls that I'd rate above an 8 and there are a few who are way past their sell-by date, but the majority of girls are now in the 5-7 range. Normally that would be worth around a 6, but I had to knock them down a point for having two "girls" that I'm fairly certain are post-op trannies. Maybe they're just strong-jawed ladies, but in either case, why would a club hire dancers who even beg that question?
Number of Dancers (6/10) – In the early evenings, there aren't usually a whole lot of dancers or customers. The lack of customers means that you'll have your pick of the litter, but the lack of dancers means that you still might not have much quality to chose from. Later in the evening, the number of dancers goes up much quicker than the number of customers, so there might be 2 dancers for every customer if you get here at the right time, and even if you don't, you shouldn't have a hard time getting a girl's attention for a dance. The only time that I've had a real problem was on a Sunday afternoon when there were no dancers, but the manager bought a few rounds of drinks for everyone who was there and the bartendress stepped up to offer lap dances. It still wasn't ideal, but I admire a club that at least makes the effort to make up for its shortcomings.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – The Key Club has a mix of black and white dancers and they've got more than enough size variation, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. For whatever reason, the black girls here were usually somewhat hotter than the white ones when this was Johnny's, but that trend seems to be slowly reversing recently.
Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – On multiple occasions, girls have been happy to show me around the club including the VIP dance area even without me asking, and most of them are friendly whether they're on stage or just sitting around bullshitting with customers. This seems like the type of place where's you'd run into some strung out girls, but that hasn't been my experience at all. I did once have to help a girl stay on her chair because she was falling down drunk, but otherwise, these girls seem to be fairly well put together.
Value (3/10) – There's a $10 cover after 6pm that gets you into both clubs and the $5 beers, $25 dances and moderate stage value are all ok, but there are much better values to be found elsewhere in Connecticut. I love lap dances, and these ones are pretty solid, but I have a hard time ever justifying more than one or two when they cost more than $20 each. Thankfully, some of the girls drop the price to $20 per dance after the first one since the club isn't taking a cut of that extra cash, so you should always ask about that before you agree to a dance if you're considering staying for multiple songs.
Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance booths from Johnny's are gone, so even though the dance area is classier now, it's not nearly as private. Still, it isn't terrible since there are two separate bench areas on the nude side of the club, and you can't see those areas unless you're in them. The ladies make sure to take you to the second bench area if there's already a guy in the first one, so you get an area to yourself as long as only one or two customers are getting dances at a time. Any more than that though, and it gets cramped and loses all privacy really quickly. If you're willing to drop the cash for the VIP dances, you'll go around the corner to a row of decent sized individual rooms with a large comfy couch in each. They don't have doors on the booths, but no one will see you unless they're going for a private dance, so it's still pretty solid if you're looking to get a little intimate.
Club Setup (4/10) – The new owners have put a lot of money into this place and it's certainly a huge improvement over the way it was before, but something is still missing. The topless side has a long bar that fills up quickly, a long bench style couch along the far side wall, and a large stage. The stage is reasonably nice overall, but it has one annoying flaw - it doesn't have a lower shelf or ledge where you can sit your drink, so you're choices are to awkwardly hold your beverage or to sit it right on the stage. Not a huge problem, but who knew they even make stages without a place to sit drinks? The nude side doesn't really seem to be a popular place to hang out, but it also has a decent stage with some chairs around it. I think the topless side needs some tables and booths to make it better for groups, because I really can't see coming here with more than one or two other guys.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The setup has become more upscale, but the old dive bar atmosphere still shows through. I imagine that it will eventually be fairly nice, but for now, it's kind of in that awkward zone where it's too classy to be a dive but too shitty to be classy. I could also see it getting rougher later at night, but the crowd has always been alright while I've been there.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The Key Club is very close to I-91, isn't too far from I-95, and is within walking distance of some of the best pizza in the U.S. over on Wooster Street. If you're from the area, I'm sure that you already have your preference and I know better than to try to change your mind, but if you're just passing through, I'd have to recommend Frank Pepe's if you're interested in toppings and Sally's if you're going for plain cheese. You can't go wrong either way though.
Overall – The Key Club is already the best club, by far, in New Haven. It may not be great, but the dances are very good and everything else is solid if you can overlook the varied quality of dancers. I'm guessing that the dancer quality will go up over time, but for now, that prevents me from adding it to my Connecticut rotation. Overall, it's about on par with Keepers in Milford, and even though I'd still probably chose Centerfolds in Berlin over the Key Club, the Key Club has become a very reasonable option if you're in New Haven and time is limited.
TOTAL SCORE = 51
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Gin Dee's (West Haven, CT)
Quality of Dances (5.5/20) – The girls make some contact with customers and a halfhearted grind is pretty standard, but two way contact is not encouraged. No one has protested when I've put my hands on their legs, but I don't get the impression that anything beyond that is tolerated with most of these girls.
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – I feel bad being too harsh here because the bright lighting makes the flaws more visible than they'd be most places, but either way, there are plenty of flaws here. I know that some guys are into tattooed chicks, but there's way too much ink in here for my tastes, and a lot of the girls just look generally sloppy.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – They've had less than a half dozen girls dancing every time I've been there, though I'm pleased to say that hasn't been all that often. Still, there aren't a whole lot of customers so the ratio isn't too bad.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – They have about an equal number of black and white dancers with every size from meth addict thin to borderline-obese represented. If it weren't for the fact that most of the variety is just variations of ugly, this score would be at least a point higher.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of these girls are reasonably friendly and they really spend a lot of time chatting with the regulars, even if no one is spending money. That would usually annoy me since I'm not a regular, but for the most part, I'm just thankful that other guys have kept these ladies away from me.
Value (4/10) – The $5 cover, $4 domestic beers and stage value aren't too bad, especially since a lot of the girls flash the puss on stage despite it only being a topless club. The dances are where they lose it though, since they charge $25 even though the service isn't worth half that.
Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in a small area towards the back of the club where there are four horribly uncomfortable chairs. That wouldn't be so bad, but they face towards each other, there are no barriers and there are mirrors on both sides, so it's almost impossible not to watch everyone else get dances. The only positive is that people at the bar can't see you.
Club Setup (2/10) – This place is a lot bigger on the inside that you'd realize from driving by, but they really don't need or make use of all of the space that they've got. The stage in particular is needlessly large, with no more than one girl dancing (or wiggling, as the case may be) at a time. I guess the draw is the large bar and the pool tables, but just like with girls, you see all the flaws in this place thanks to the bright lighting.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The crowd can be a little shady and this place is just generally depressing, but it's not as bad it would be if it were darker. It really is a catch 22 for them though - turn up the lights and the girls look like shit, or turn down the lights and depress the hell out of everyone.
Club Accessibility (2/5) - Gin Dee's isn't far from New Haven and they have plenty of parking, but you're going to have to drive to get there.
Overall – There are some bad clubs in and around New Haven, but Gin Dee's is probably the worst of them. If you're in the area and are desperate to go to a club, you're much better off driving the 10 minutes down I-95 to Keepers in Milford or heading into New Haven to the Crazy Horse.
TOTAL SCORE = 29
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Archibald's (Washington, D.C.)
Note: Despite being an East Coaster, I haven't spent much time in D.C., and during the little time that I have spent there, most of it was taken up by typical touristy shit. Up until last night, my only experience with D.C. strip clubs was being denied entry to Camelot during a visit maybe 5 years ago. The bouncer provided no justification for keeping us out, but I'm assuming it's because we looked like a bunch of kids with no money. I remember thinking what a dick move that was and swearing off D.C. clubs for life.
After I started this site, I figured I didn't have a choice but to give the city another chance...which brings us to last night. This review will be the first and last D.C. strip club review that I will ever write. I really don't even want to write it because it's such a waste of my time, but I'm hoping that by shitting on this city in the public domain, I can keep others away.
At this point, you're surely wondering what could possibly be so bad about these clubs? See below for a more detailed description, but it's pretty simple: THERE ARE NO LAP DANCES IN THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA!! WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!?!
Quality of Dances (0/20): I'm not even sure that this deserves a zero; I feel like it should be some sort of negative value. I goose-egged the Blue Moon Lounge in MA for giving air dances, but at least they're trying. Dances literally don't exist at this place (or anywhere in D.C.). I wish I could have seen the look on my face when one of the dancers filled me in on the policy. I think I would have been less shocked if she just walked up and kicked me in the nuts.
Of course, this begs the question: How do they make any money? That's where it gets worse: they tip-walk. But they don't just tip-walk the stage (see Club Setup for why that's impossible), they walk the entire club. And apparently, they make a killing. I was racking my brain trying to figure out 1) how it's possible for these girls to hustle up a decent roll without giving dances and 2) why, in God's name, anybody would go to a club without dances. Here's what I came up with.
D.C. is populated by an endless supply of wealthy, piece-of-shit, social-climbing jackoffs. Typically, these fuckheads are insecure assholes who prefer a stroke of their ego to a stroke of their cock. Also, they're the type of dicks that would frown upon lap dances as the province of the uncouth masses. For them, a naked hottie laughing at their jokes and confirming their status is like hardcore porn, and the benign nature of the interaction saves them from the cognitive dissonance associated with being a Serious Important Person who spends their time at houses of ill-repute. And so they don't mind slowly dropping a couple of bills over the course of a few hours if it makes them feel like the big, strong well-liked men that they aren't.
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) - That they don't give dances is only made worse by the fact that this place is filled with talent. Pretty faces, tight bodies and real tits abound at Archibald's; the consistency is impressive, with nobody really doing any damage to the overall average. The only thing preventing this score from scraping the rating ceiling is that there weren't any true I'd-empty-my-bank-account-for-you types. If you know my reviews, then you know that I don't go for those girls anyway, but it's still nice to have them around for the viewing pleasure.
Number of Dancers (6.5/10) - The club's voice mail message boasts that 20 dancers work weekdays and 24 work the weekends, but I think they were a little short of that on this Saturday night at 6 PM. I saw perhaps 12-15 dancers, which is still a decent number for a club this small. If they truly put up 20+, then this score should probably be closer to an 8; I can't ever imagine a bad dancer to customer ratio with that number.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - Almost exclusively American white women here (with an Asian girl mixed in), which isn't surprising given the expected clientele. They score a couple of points for having great variety in body type, ranging from Salma Hayek curves to Natalie Portman angles.
Attitude of Dancers (8/10) - The job of these women is more akin to that of a Geisha than a stripper, so it's no shock that they all seem to have great attitudes. I can't say that I have a huge sample size, but the handful of dancers that I talked to were courteous, cool, and even pulled off their tip-walks without much awkwardness, which is a tall task indeed.
Value (3/10) - Only a D.C. club could score a 3 in value while never charging a cover. Miller Lites are $7 ($7.70 after tax), which isn't a Spearmint-Rhino-like $12 stickup, but isn't anything to be proud of. Dance value is non-existent, for reasons already stated, and stage value also doesn't exist (through no fault of the women; see Club Setup below).
Dance Setup (0/10) - Without dances, there can be no dance setup. Automatic zero.
Club Setup (2.5/10) - This is a below-ground club with a bar lining one side, several tables on the opposite wall and a few other tables across the floor. It's only about 20 feet wide and the ceilings are low, making it cramped in feel and difficult to navigate in function. It's also almost impossible to have any type of privacy, because every point in the club has a direct sight line to every other point. There is no proper stage to speak of. Instead, there are two slightly raised platforms (maybe 6 inches off the ground) that are a few feet wide and a few feet deep and sit against a mirrored wall. One is in the middle of the club and one is on the far side when you walk in. Each platform contains a pole and a pullup bar mounted on the ceiling, and there is no physical separation from the rest of the club. They resemble the type of thing a go-go dancer would perform on, but just much closer to the ground and closed off on one side by the wall.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) - Generally, the atmosphere here isn't bad if you're into a low-key vibe. It definitely has a classier feel than most clubs I've ever been to, similar to DiCarlo's Lounge in Albany, NY. When you walk in, you're greeted and seated by a bouncer, who informs you that cell phone use is strictly forbidden inside the club. There's no DJ, so you don't get that booming voice, and the girls don't pick their music. All music is spun from the jukebox, over which customers have control. When I was there, I didn't hear any awful choices, but I can see how giving control to patrons could badly backfire.
The real atmospheric problem here is driven by the club setup and the associated tipping issues. If you want to tip someone on the "stage," you can't just roll up, have a seat, fold your bill in half and wait. Instead, because of these weird spaces that they've set up, you have to walk up and literally stand in front of the dancer eye-to-eye. You have some short interaction and then put a bill in her g-string. Needless to say, this process is impossibly awkward for both the tipper and anyone else in the club watching. It's bad enough when you're seated close enough to a creeper that you feel his essence. Here, if you want to see the dancers, you've got to watch these guys in all their glory, standing just inches from a girl's face and engaging them. And of course, you can't go up there yourself because who wants to be that guy standing in the middle of the club getting eyed up by everyone in sight and blocking the view of the hottie. It's a total buzz kill.
Club Accessibility (5/5) - Located on K Street and just a few minute walk from the Red, Orange and Blue Metro lines (and the White House), it's hard to conceive of a better location than what Archibald's offers.
Overall - Archibald's is a gentleman's club in its purest form. You're not gonna get fired up at this place with your boys and rip tequila shots with some crazy-fun stripper. I can't imagine ever holding a bachelor party here. Its purpose is to provide the aesthetic appeal and companionship of naked beauties over a decent lunch or dinner. Nothing more. If that's your thing, more power to you, but it most definitely is not mine, so you can have Archibald's. I'm never going back.
Total Score - 38
After I started this site, I figured I didn't have a choice but to give the city another chance...which brings us to last night. This review will be the first and last D.C. strip club review that I will ever write. I really don't even want to write it because it's such a waste of my time, but I'm hoping that by shitting on this city in the public domain, I can keep others away.
At this point, you're surely wondering what could possibly be so bad about these clubs? See below for a more detailed description, but it's pretty simple: THERE ARE NO LAP DANCES IN THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA!! WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!?!
Quality of Dances (0/20): I'm not even sure that this deserves a zero; I feel like it should be some sort of negative value. I goose-egged the Blue Moon Lounge in MA for giving air dances, but at least they're trying. Dances literally don't exist at this place (or anywhere in D.C.). I wish I could have seen the look on my face when one of the dancers filled me in on the policy. I think I would have been less shocked if she just walked up and kicked me in the nuts.
Of course, this begs the question: How do they make any money? That's where it gets worse: they tip-walk. But they don't just tip-walk the stage (see Club Setup for why that's impossible), they walk the entire club. And apparently, they make a killing. I was racking my brain trying to figure out 1) how it's possible for these girls to hustle up a decent roll without giving dances and 2) why, in God's name, anybody would go to a club without dances. Here's what I came up with.
D.C. is populated by an endless supply of wealthy, piece-of-shit, social-climbing jackoffs. Typically, these fuckheads are insecure assholes who prefer a stroke of their ego to a stroke of their cock. Also, they're the type of dicks that would frown upon lap dances as the province of the uncouth masses. For them, a naked hottie laughing at their jokes and confirming their status is like hardcore porn, and the benign nature of the interaction saves them from the cognitive dissonance associated with being a Serious Important Person who spends their time at houses of ill-repute. And so they don't mind slowly dropping a couple of bills over the course of a few hours if it makes them feel like the big, strong well-liked men that they aren't.
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) - That they don't give dances is only made worse by the fact that this place is filled with talent. Pretty faces, tight bodies and real tits abound at Archibald's; the consistency is impressive, with nobody really doing any damage to the overall average. The only thing preventing this score from scraping the rating ceiling is that there weren't any true I'd-empty-my-bank-account-for-you types. If you know my reviews, then you know that I don't go for those girls anyway, but it's still nice to have them around for the viewing pleasure.
Number of Dancers (6.5/10) - The club's voice mail message boasts that 20 dancers work weekdays and 24 work the weekends, but I think they were a little short of that on this Saturday night at 6 PM. I saw perhaps 12-15 dancers, which is still a decent number for a club this small. If they truly put up 20+, then this score should probably be closer to an 8; I can't ever imagine a bad dancer to customer ratio with that number.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - Almost exclusively American white women here (with an Asian girl mixed in), which isn't surprising given the expected clientele. They score a couple of points for having great variety in body type, ranging from Salma Hayek curves to Natalie Portman angles.
Attitude of Dancers (8/10) - The job of these women is more akin to that of a Geisha than a stripper, so it's no shock that they all seem to have great attitudes. I can't say that I have a huge sample size, but the handful of dancers that I talked to were courteous, cool, and even pulled off their tip-walks without much awkwardness, which is a tall task indeed.
Value (3/10) - Only a D.C. club could score a 3 in value while never charging a cover. Miller Lites are $7 ($7.70 after tax), which isn't a Spearmint-Rhino-like $12 stickup, but isn't anything to be proud of. Dance value is non-existent, for reasons already stated, and stage value also doesn't exist (through no fault of the women; see Club Setup below).
Dance Setup (0/10) - Without dances, there can be no dance setup. Automatic zero.
Club Setup (2.5/10) - This is a below-ground club with a bar lining one side, several tables on the opposite wall and a few other tables across the floor. It's only about 20 feet wide and the ceilings are low, making it cramped in feel and difficult to navigate in function. It's also almost impossible to have any type of privacy, because every point in the club has a direct sight line to every other point. There is no proper stage to speak of. Instead, there are two slightly raised platforms (maybe 6 inches off the ground) that are a few feet wide and a few feet deep and sit against a mirrored wall. One is in the middle of the club and one is on the far side when you walk in. Each platform contains a pole and a pullup bar mounted on the ceiling, and there is no physical separation from the rest of the club. They resemble the type of thing a go-go dancer would perform on, but just much closer to the ground and closed off on one side by the wall.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) - Generally, the atmosphere here isn't bad if you're into a low-key vibe. It definitely has a classier feel than most clubs I've ever been to, similar to DiCarlo's Lounge in Albany, NY. When you walk in, you're greeted and seated by a bouncer, who informs you that cell phone use is strictly forbidden inside the club. There's no DJ, so you don't get that booming voice, and the girls don't pick their music. All music is spun from the jukebox, over which customers have control. When I was there, I didn't hear any awful choices, but I can see how giving control to patrons could badly backfire.
The real atmospheric problem here is driven by the club setup and the associated tipping issues. If you want to tip someone on the "stage," you can't just roll up, have a seat, fold your bill in half and wait. Instead, because of these weird spaces that they've set up, you have to walk up and literally stand in front of the dancer eye-to-eye. You have some short interaction and then put a bill in her g-string. Needless to say, this process is impossibly awkward for both the tipper and anyone else in the club watching. It's bad enough when you're seated close enough to a creeper that you feel his essence. Here, if you want to see the dancers, you've got to watch these guys in all their glory, standing just inches from a girl's face and engaging them. And of course, you can't go up there yourself because who wants to be that guy standing in the middle of the club getting eyed up by everyone in sight and blocking the view of the hottie. It's a total buzz kill.
Club Accessibility (5/5) - Located on K Street and just a few minute walk from the Red, Orange and Blue Metro lines (and the White House), it's hard to conceive of a better location than what Archibald's offers.
Overall - Archibald's is a gentleman's club in its purest form. You're not gonna get fired up at this place with your boys and rip tequila shots with some crazy-fun stripper. I can't imagine ever holding a bachelor party here. Its purpose is to provide the aesthetic appeal and companionship of naked beauties over a decent lunch or dinner. Nothing more. If that's your thing, more power to you, but it most definitely is not mine, so you can have Archibald's. I'm never going back.
Total Score - 38
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Gold Club Groton (Groton, CT)
Quality of Dances (7/20) – There's huge variation from girl to girl, with some girls giving what amounts to little more than an airdance and other girls giving a really solid grind. Of course, the usual skin color correlation is in full effect. There are exceptions, but generally, the quality increases as the skin gets darker right up until the Brazilian bronze, then slightly tapers off after that. Like the Gold Club in Hartford, they've got some strange rules in this place, with dancers having to keep their feet on floor at all times. Also, they say that you can't touch the dancers, but hands on the legs seems to be fine.
Quality of Dancers (7/10) – I haven't seen any real models here, but almost all the ladies are decent and most are well above average.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – There are usually about a half dozen girls dancing in the afternoon, and many more than that later in the evening. By the night, it's crawling with women, but no matter when you visit, it shouldn't take you long at all to get the attention of an attractive lady or two.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – They've got a decent mix of white and Latina dancers a with a few black ones mixed in. In my somewhat limited experience at the Gold Club, there seems to be more Latinas during the day shift, which is why you're much more likely to find me here in the afternoon. There's some variation of body types with a few thicker black girls, but most of the ladies seem to be in pretty good shape.
Attitude of Dancers (5/10) – The bartendresses are really friendly and the dancers aren't bad to talk to, but more than one has asked me to prepay for a dance and that's brutal. Do they really think that people are going to get a dance and then walk off without paying? If so, they either have some really shady customers or give some really unsatisfying dances.
Value (3.5/10) – Beers are usually $4.75 but they have $3 specials and it's BYOB next door at the nude club (After Dark) after midnight. Dances aren't as good of a deal, however, at $25 each. My first few visits were during the day shift when there was no cover, then the bartender gave me a bunch of free admission passes, so I'm not sure how much the cover would usually be. It's $10 at their Hartford location, so I'm assuming that it's comparable to that here as well.
Dance Setup (3.5/10) – They give lap dances on individual bench style seats that look comfortable at first but really aren't. There's a small divider between the benches, but people who are across from you can still watch you if they want.
Club Setup (5/10) – The mouth shaped urinals are somewhat unique, but the rest of the club is fairly mediocre. The whole place is very dark and has a warehouse feel, but the lap dance area is strangely brighter than everywhere else. There are a bunch of 2 person tables scattered around the club, two small stages, a pool table in the back and a very large nice bar. It looks like a dump from the outside and isn't all that well thought out but it's actually kind of classy despite the warehouse look.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – The crowd is decent, but the 2-person tables and all the wide open space prevent it from being great for large or even medium sized groups. It seems to be a popular bachelor party destination on Saturday nights, so that may not be a great time to go if you're hoping to get lots of attention from the girls.
Club Accessibility (2/5) – The Gold Club isn't hard to get to from I-95, but you'll be driving to get there and to get home. Luckily, there's more than enough parking and there're some spots along the side so that everyone driving by won't see your car. There is, however, no discreet way to walk in the entrance in the front of the club.
Overall – The Gold Club Groton is a decent club. It's nothing that I'd go out of my way for, but it's a much better option than the Gold Club's Hartford location or Rose's Cantina down the street. If you've got time though, you'd be much better off driving the hour to Providence to have a really good time.
TOTAL SCORE = 48.5
Quality of Dancers (7/10) – I haven't seen any real models here, but almost all the ladies are decent and most are well above average.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – There are usually about a half dozen girls dancing in the afternoon, and many more than that later in the evening. By the night, it's crawling with women, but no matter when you visit, it shouldn't take you long at all to get the attention of an attractive lady or two.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – They've got a decent mix of white and Latina dancers a with a few black ones mixed in. In my somewhat limited experience at the Gold Club, there seems to be more Latinas during the day shift, which is why you're much more likely to find me here in the afternoon. There's some variation of body types with a few thicker black girls, but most of the ladies seem to be in pretty good shape.
Attitude of Dancers (5/10) – The bartendresses are really friendly and the dancers aren't bad to talk to, but more than one has asked me to prepay for a dance and that's brutal. Do they really think that people are going to get a dance and then walk off without paying? If so, they either have some really shady customers or give some really unsatisfying dances.
Value (3.5/10) – Beers are usually $4.75 but they have $3 specials and it's BYOB next door at the nude club (After Dark) after midnight. Dances aren't as good of a deal, however, at $25 each. My first few visits were during the day shift when there was no cover, then the bartender gave me a bunch of free admission passes, so I'm not sure how much the cover would usually be. It's $10 at their Hartford location, so I'm assuming that it's comparable to that here as well.
Dance Setup (3.5/10) – They give lap dances on individual bench style seats that look comfortable at first but really aren't. There's a small divider between the benches, but people who are across from you can still watch you if they want.
Club Setup (5/10) – The mouth shaped urinals are somewhat unique, but the rest of the club is fairly mediocre. The whole place is very dark and has a warehouse feel, but the lap dance area is strangely brighter than everywhere else. There are a bunch of 2 person tables scattered around the club, two small stages, a pool table in the back and a very large nice bar. It looks like a dump from the outside and isn't all that well thought out but it's actually kind of classy despite the warehouse look.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – The crowd is decent, but the 2-person tables and all the wide open space prevent it from being great for large or even medium sized groups. It seems to be a popular bachelor party destination on Saturday nights, so that may not be a great time to go if you're hoping to get lots of attention from the girls.
Club Accessibility (2/5) – The Gold Club isn't hard to get to from I-95, but you'll be driving to get there and to get home. Luckily, there's more than enough parking and there're some spots along the side so that everyone driving by won't see your car. There is, however, no discreet way to walk in the entrance in the front of the club.
Overall – The Gold Club Groton is a decent club. It's nothing that I'd go out of my way for, but it's a much better option than the Gold Club's Hartford location or Rose's Cantina down the street. If you've got time though, you'd be much better off driving the hour to Providence to have a really good time.
TOTAL SCORE = 48.5
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Club Risqué on the Delaware (Philadelphia, PA)
Quality of Dances (8/20) – Most of these girls give a fairly solid grind, and even though full two-way contact is not allowed, hands on the outsides of the legs is generally okay. Best of all, at least one of the girls really takes pride in her work, apologizing profusely because she noticed that I wasn't at full attention by the end of the dance. The fact that I'd been drinking moonshine and Yeungling all day had more to do with that that than anything that the girl did or didn't do, but it was still nice to know that she actually cares about customer satisfaction. Sadly, another girl pretty much undid that goodwill by ruining a dance with baby talk bullshit. It wasn't the first time that a dancer has put on that little girl voice with me, but this girl was way over the top with it, and even when it isn't as bad, it's still pretty lame. Creeps who get off on having little girls on their lap are more likely to be working in a department store as Santa Claus than to be in a strip club, so I don't know why so many dancers think it's a turn-on. I come to strip clubs for the women, so is it too much to ask for you to act like a grown-ass woman?
Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Most of these ladies are fairly cute, but for one of the most popular clubs in one of the biggest cities in the U.S., it's a bit of a letdown. Even though Philly's more famous for deliciously unhealthy food and overweight, angry sports fans than it is for attractive ladies, there are still more than enough around here to fill up a club with girls in the 7+ range, but Club Risqué just isn't getting the job done.
Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – I've only been here on weekend evenings, but there have always been lots of girls in the place. That's a good thing though, because it's a popular stop after sporting events, so it can get packed with customers and it can be somewhat tough to get a dance.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – This club isn't all that diverse for anywhere, but it's particularly monochromatic considering that it's in Philadelphia. I've seen a few black chicks and a few curves, but the vast majority of dancers in this joint are thin, white and, at least in my opinion, kind of boring.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – I realize that most strippers put on an act when they're in the club, but these ladies are particularly poor actors. They're friendly enough, but it takes away from it a little bit when you don't even get fooled into thinking that you saw a glimpse of the real person behind the g-string.
Value (3/10) – The stage value is lacking, but for a major city, $6 beer and $20 dances aren't all that bad. Plus, there's no cover if you have tickets to a sporting event or a hotel key card. It's kind of like how Vegas clubs waive the cover for locals because they respect their repeat customers, only the exact opposite. Since I've only been to Risqué after sporting events while in various states of drunkenness, I never remember exactly how much the cover would otherwise be, but I think it's somewhere in the $10-15 range.
Dance Setup (3/10) – There's a separate area off to the side of the main stage area in the back of the club where they take you for lap dances. Though there's no privacy back there, the individual comfy chairs do a lot to make up for it. Or maybe I just don't mind the lack of privacy as much as I usually would since I'm always too tanked to give a fuck.
Club Setup (4.5/10) – They've got a long narrow runway style stage down the center of the club and a raised area along the side with booths and chairs that are great for sight seeing.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – There's a very nice party vibe at Club Risqué, and if the dances were a little better, it wouldn't be a bad place at all to spend an evening.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Risqué isn't really walkable from anywhere, but it isn't far from center city or the sports complex by cab. You're probably looking at about a $10 ride from most of the city.
Overall – Club Risqué on the Delaware (they have other locations in the area that I've not yet visited) is better than Delilah's as far as the Philly upscale clubs go, and is generally a solid place to stop after a Sixers, Phillies or Flyers game. I wouldn't go out of my way to get here under normal circumstances, but sports, tits and beer are the perfect combination, so I usually try to make that happen when I'm in the area.
TOTAL SCORE = 45
Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Most of these ladies are fairly cute, but for one of the most popular clubs in one of the biggest cities in the U.S., it's a bit of a letdown. Even though Philly's more famous for deliciously unhealthy food and overweight, angry sports fans than it is for attractive ladies, there are still more than enough around here to fill up a club with girls in the 7+ range, but Club Risqué just isn't getting the job done.
Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – I've only been here on weekend evenings, but there have always been lots of girls in the place. That's a good thing though, because it's a popular stop after sporting events, so it can get packed with customers and it can be somewhat tough to get a dance.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – This club isn't all that diverse for anywhere, but it's particularly monochromatic considering that it's in Philadelphia. I've seen a few black chicks and a few curves, but the vast majority of dancers in this joint are thin, white and, at least in my opinion, kind of boring.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – I realize that most strippers put on an act when they're in the club, but these ladies are particularly poor actors. They're friendly enough, but it takes away from it a little bit when you don't even get fooled into thinking that you saw a glimpse of the real person behind the g-string.
Value (3/10) – The stage value is lacking, but for a major city, $6 beer and $20 dances aren't all that bad. Plus, there's no cover if you have tickets to a sporting event or a hotel key card. It's kind of like how Vegas clubs waive the cover for locals because they respect their repeat customers, only the exact opposite. Since I've only been to Risqué after sporting events while in various states of drunkenness, I never remember exactly how much the cover would otherwise be, but I think it's somewhere in the $10-15 range.
Dance Setup (3/10) – There's a separate area off to the side of the main stage area in the back of the club where they take you for lap dances. Though there's no privacy back there, the individual comfy chairs do a lot to make up for it. Or maybe I just don't mind the lack of privacy as much as I usually would since I'm always too tanked to give a fuck.
Club Setup (4.5/10) – They've got a long narrow runway style stage down the center of the club and a raised area along the side with booths and chairs that are great for sight seeing.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – There's a very nice party vibe at Club Risqué, and if the dances were a little better, it wouldn't be a bad place at all to spend an evening.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Risqué isn't really walkable from anywhere, but it isn't far from center city or the sports complex by cab. You're probably looking at about a $10 ride from most of the city.
Overall – Club Risqué on the Delaware (they have other locations in the area that I've not yet visited) is better than Delilah's as far as the Philly upscale clubs go, and is generally a solid place to stop after a Sixers, Phillies or Flyers game. I wouldn't go out of my way to get here under normal circumstances, but sports, tits and beer are the perfect combination, so I usually try to make that happen when I'm in the area.
TOTAL SCORE = 45
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Peek-A-Boo's Cafe (Waterbury, CT)
Quality of Dances (13/20) – The good news: "don't worry about the signs that say 'no touching.' You can grab my ass." The bad news: "Just don't let my boss see you. He's the big guy." As much as I enjoy being actively involved in a lap dance, none of these girls were hot enough to justify pissing off the "big guy." A lot of them are active with their hands over the pants, but it's generally just not worth spending money on girls that look like this.
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – There might be one or two tolerable girls, but most of these dancers look like they've seen better days despite never having been all that hot even in their primes. Too many drugs and/or too many meals have taken their tolls on these ladies.
Number of Dancers (2/10) – I don't think you'd ever have any problem getting a girl for a dance if you have very low standards, but that has more to do with the lack of customers than it does with the number of dancers. Some of the ladies in these place are so atrocious that I can't even factor them into this score, so you can probably add another point if you're just looking for warm bodies.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – The quality is low, but you can find black, white and Latina girls both big and small at Peek-A-Boo's.
Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – Other than a few girls who seemed to be a few stages beyond high, they were reasonably friendly. They rely on repeats, so they definitely try to keep the few customers that they have happy. The biggest drawback was that, because of the lack of customers, I did have to deal with a few clingy creatures.
Value (3/10) – There's never been a cover charge while I've been there, but $25 dances are too expensive and $5 for beers are on the high side for a dump like this. You can interact with the girls at the stage, though I kept my eyes on the TVs most of the time that I was in here.
Dance Setup (1.5/10) – Dances are given in a raised area in corner of club on undivided benches. If anyone else is getting a dance at the same time, it's awful. If not, everyone else in the club can still watch so it isn't all that much better
Club Setup (1/10) – There's a decent stage in middle of the club and a long bar at the one end, but just like its dancers, this club has seen better days.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This place just bums me out. These aren't girls who even bother pretending that they're trying to pay their way through college or make some easy spending money or earn cash for their families back in South America. For the most part, they're girls who are trying to finance their next fix. I never have and never will enjoy a club like this.
Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – This place isn't far from Mr. Happy's and is only a few minutes from downtown Waterbury, but you'll be driving to get there.
Overall – I'm not going to bother saying which is better between this place and Mr. Happy's, because that would be implying that either of them would be worth considering. I just can't think of any possible reason to ever go to Peek-A-Boo's. Strip clubs are supposed to make you feel good, and this one does just the opposite.
TOTAL SCORE = 32
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – There might be one or two tolerable girls, but most of these dancers look like they've seen better days despite never having been all that hot even in their primes. Too many drugs and/or too many meals have taken their tolls on these ladies.
Number of Dancers (2/10) – I don't think you'd ever have any problem getting a girl for a dance if you have very low standards, but that has more to do with the lack of customers than it does with the number of dancers. Some of the ladies in these place are so atrocious that I can't even factor them into this score, so you can probably add another point if you're just looking for warm bodies.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – The quality is low, but you can find black, white and Latina girls both big and small at Peek-A-Boo's.
Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – Other than a few girls who seemed to be a few stages beyond high, they were reasonably friendly. They rely on repeats, so they definitely try to keep the few customers that they have happy. The biggest drawback was that, because of the lack of customers, I did have to deal with a few clingy creatures.
Value (3/10) – There's never been a cover charge while I've been there, but $25 dances are too expensive and $5 for beers are on the high side for a dump like this. You can interact with the girls at the stage, though I kept my eyes on the TVs most of the time that I was in here.
Dance Setup (1.5/10) – Dances are given in a raised area in corner of club on undivided benches. If anyone else is getting a dance at the same time, it's awful. If not, everyone else in the club can still watch so it isn't all that much better
Club Setup (1/10) – There's a decent stage in middle of the club and a long bar at the one end, but just like its dancers, this club has seen better days.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This place just bums me out. These aren't girls who even bother pretending that they're trying to pay their way through college or make some easy spending money or earn cash for their families back in South America. For the most part, they're girls who are trying to finance their next fix. I never have and never will enjoy a club like this.
Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – This place isn't far from Mr. Happy's and is only a few minutes from downtown Waterbury, but you'll be driving to get there.
Overall – I'm not going to bother saying which is better between this place and Mr. Happy's, because that would be implying that either of them would be worth considering. I just can't think of any possible reason to ever go to Peek-A-Boo's. Strip clubs are supposed to make you feel good, and this one does just the opposite.
TOTAL SCORE = 32
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Centerfolds 2000 (North Oxford, MA)
Quality of dances (4/20) – True to the general Massachusetts trend of the-hotter-the-dancers-the-worse-the-dances, Centerfolds dances are pretty brutal. No contact from customer to dancer, and minimal contact from her to you. Don’t expect to be satisfied here.
Quality of dancers (7.5/10) – I’m not sure what draws them here (perhaps the assurance that they won’t get groped by creeps), but the crop of dancers at CF2K is pretty incredible for Massachusetts. Although they don't live up to the DJ's aggressive claim of "the hottest dancers in the world," many rank among the hottest that I've seen in New England.
Number of dancers (7/10) – There were perhaps 15-20 girls on a weeknight, much better than my last visit and the dancer to customer ratio was excellent. But their weak performance last time prevents them from really making some noise here. Also, given that I visited just a few days before Christmas, I have a sneaking suspicion that the number of dancers was artificially inflated by a bunch of women working an extra shift to bank some money for holiday presents.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – Almost exclusively skinny white women who, as readers know, are way outside of my wheelhouse. On my second visit, there was also an unfortunate abundance of fake bombs, my least favorite kind. Especially disappointing was the single gorgeous Indonesian dancer whose enormous well-shaped cans were later discovered to be imposters.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – A complete 180 from a year ago. Within two minutes of sitting, each guy in my party had a girl sitting with him or on him. No one was pushy about dances, and only one girl was venomous after being turned down. The servers were likewise cool, and I was even able to coax one waitress into working a stage set, a feat attempted by many but accomplished by few. It's also a huge plus that my first featured dancer, Shelby, is back gracing the stage at CF2K. Still, further research is needed for a better average score and I can't totally disregard how terrible the attitudes were a year ago.
Value (2/10) – Miller Lites are just under $5 and the cover is $7 before 5 PM ($14 when they have feature dancers). Dances are 2 for 1 until 7 PM every day, but that’s hardly any consolation. My first dance was so bad that I almost didn’t even want a second. And stage value is minimal for most dancers.
Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are conducted on wall benches in slightly raised areas along both sides of the club, in plain view of nearly every person in there. Since I first reviewed this club, it appears they've dimmed the lights in the dance area and added some translucent curtains (bumping the score slightly), but it's still not enough to shield you from onlookers. Call me picky, but if I’m gonna get a shitty dance, I’d at least like a modicum of privacy. Centerfolds 2000 offers none.
Club Setup (7/10) – Despite the awful dance setup, CF2K’s overall design is solid. Plenty of seating, however uncomfortable, at the stage and on the floor surrounding it, good table space, and enough private spots to hang out and drain a few beers. I also like that the bar hangs off the back of the club in a large outcropping, preventing the logjam of douche pickles that often happens during busy hours at clubs.
Club Atmosphere (5/10) – [From my first review] Having spent the better part of my 20’s in strip joints, I understand – and have come to accept – the reality that many dancers/DJ’s have terrible taste in music (I once heard Smooth Operator TWICE in one night). No matter where you are, you’ll invariably be forced to listen to a handful of abominations by the likes of Kid Rock, Nickelback or their equivalents. But CF2K took it to another level. For the first 45 minutes, literally every song was cringe-worthy material. And even after I tipped the DJ to play a few favorites (a move that never fails), the DJ only squeezed in one request amongst the rubbish. This musical misfortune is especially sad because the club has an otherwise good feel to it.
Having given this place a second chance, I'll say that the musical choices weren't nearly as bad this time through. However, there's still way too much rock and crappy pop (Black Eyed Peas), and not nearly enough Lil Wayne.
Club Accessibility (2/5) – Located almost ten miles outside of Worcester, Centerfolds 2000 isn't really in acceptable taxi range. It probably deserves worse than a 2, but because Worcester is very much a driving city, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.
Overall – Centerfolds 2000 has great potential, but I don't think they'll ever put it all together. I can really only imagine three scenarios where I'd recommend sending you to CF2K:
1) You're looking to take a somewhat-square, shy-ish girl to her first strip club. This place is a great bet for that type of thing.
2) You love Nickelback and white brunettes, and hate lap dances.
3) You want to meet and get a dance from Featured Dancer Shelby.
Otherwise, I'd say it's not worth your time.
TOTAL SCORE = 42.5
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