Quality of dances (8/20) – I was happy with the one-way contact, complete with some skillful knee grinding, but disappointed that I got the feeling the action ended there. With a club full of Russians (see Variety/Diversity below), my expectations are always sky high, and it’s crushing when they fall short. These girls were handcuffed by the dance setup, for sure, so who knows what tricks they might pull with more privacy; it may be worth giving the back room a shot, but until I see it, I just can’t believe it.
Quality of dancers (4/10) – I love Long Island girls, so I was really disappointed at the lack of homegrown talent. When I’m on Strong Isle, I expect the girls to look like tanner, sluttier versions of Katy Perry or thicker versions of Drea de Matteo. If they didn’t spend ninety minutes putting on makeup before they left their house that morning, I’m just not interested. These women, while not unattractive, weren’t really making it happen.
Number of dancers (4/10) – No matter what the club size, no matter what the club location, half a dozen dancers on a Saturday night is not acceptable. I demand more.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – This category is a little tricky to rate for Café Royale. At first glance, there appeared to be significant diversity: a black girl, a Filipino-looking girl, and a few white girls with varying skin tones. So far, so good, until I started talking to them and found out that, with the exception of the black girl, every one of them was Russian, even the faux Filipino. And so were both bartenders. I half-expected to open the wrong door and see a bunch of bears riding unicycles or Teddy KGB chewing on Oreos. I think we’ve all heard stories about the Russian mob importing strippers to work in New York, so maybe that’s what’s going on here. Or maybe Farmingdale just reminds these girls of the Motherland. Who knows.
Body type diversity was definitely lacking. I didn’t see a single lap dance ass when I was there. Having spent tons of time on Long Island, I know there are plenty of such asses available, so it was a letdown that they didn’t find their way to the club.
Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – Nothing really significant to report here. The shortage of dancers made it a little difficult to get anyone’s attention. When they did come around, they were friendly enough, but with a business-like vibe. I definitely wouldn’t describe them as particularly outgoing or fun. Nor would I say they are the ice-cold hustlers that you often encounter working a floor.
Value (5/10) – I have to be honest: I was really drunk when I got to this place, so I don’t remember what the cover was. I was traveling with a cheap dude who doesn’t really like strip clubs, so I’m sure it was $5 or less on a Saturday night, because he wouldn’t have paid it otherwise. As for the cost of drinks, I can’t give a definite answer there either, seeing as I signed the tab without looking at individual drink prices and then proceeded to leave both my ID and credit card at the club. However, some research on their website indicates that drink prices are relatively inexpensive ($3 domestics during all football games, $5 for any drink during Happy Hour). That leads me to think that Miller Lites were something in the range of $5 on my random Saturday night, which is passable. At $20, dances provide standard value. Stage value was basically non-existent (see Club Setup below).
Dance Setup (1/10) – Tremendous fail here by Café Royale. Standard dances occur in a slightly-raised part of the club, maybe 15 feet back from the bar, which is filled with rolly chairs, tables and a few benches. The tables and chairs are obviously for hanging out, and it seems that the benches are the prime dancing spot when this particular area is packed. Whether your dance occurs in a rolly chair or on a bench, privacy is impossible, with nearly the entire club having an unobstructed sight line to your spot.
Club Setup (3.5/10) – Very standard blah setup here. A horseshoe-shaped bar sits in the middle of the club, lined with a few dozen chairs. On each side of the bar are raised areas that are filled with a small handful of tables surrounded by rolly chairs (talked about in Dance Setup). All those things are well and good, and though not incredible, those parts of the setup aren’t dreadful either. However, the stage location is just brutal. It sits inside the bar (like Mons Venus in Tampa or the Playground Lounge in Atlantic City), making any close interaction with dancers impossible. Over the years, strip club patrons have developed a perfect system for getting a dancer’s attention for some personal stage action. Step 1: Sit at the stage. Step 2: Fold a dollar bill (or two or three) in half and place it on the edge of the stage. Step 3: Wait for tits and ass to come your way. It’s simple, it’s elegant, it’s ideal. But with an internal stage, it can’t happen. The five foot separation created by the bar makes any sort of interaction weird and awkward. Dancers have a hard time targeting any specific moves. And tipping requires both the tipper and the dancer to lean way over and reach out their arms to exchange any cash (it resembles the scene at a drive-through when you accidentally pull up too far from the window). Not acceptable.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – I was happy with the music and the general vibe, especially for Long Island. I half-expected to hear only house music and Billy Joel for the entire night, but the DJ played it relatively safe and stuck mostly to the classics. If I remember correctly, the lighting definitely could have been lower, but it wasn’t anything particularly uncomfortable. Really, this is the type of place that has a neutral-enough feel that your individual group can make the atmosphere whatever you want it to be (whether you’re just grabbing a few beers or really getting after it). My only complaint is the modified tip-walk that girls do on stage. It’s always a buzzkill to be sitting at the bar trying to enjoy a beer or watch a game, only to have a dancer drop the “Pssst, aren’t you gonna tip me?” I don’t blame the dancers; the internal stage setup basically forces them to do this shit, but it still sucks.
Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – On the one hand, Club Royale is directly off of Route 109 and just a stone’s throw from the Southern State Parkway. On the other, it’s in fucking Farmingdale, smack in the middle of Long Island, and totally inaccessible by any means other than a car (or a wedding transportation bus that you make pull over on the side of the road and drop you off on your way back to the hotel).
Overall – In many ways, this club is a Long Islander’s dream. You can buy some unnecessary shit at Walmart, catch a movie at the Regal 10, eat some overpriced babyback ribs at Chili’s, fist-pump at some douchey club called The Crazy Donkey (which I was really hoping was a Tijuana-style strip club), then see some titties, all without driving your Camaro more than half a mile. However, for those of you who don’t love strip malls and jagerbombs, Café Royale is mediocre at best.
TOTAL SCORE = 39
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Scores (New York, NY)
Quality of Dances (6/20) - Scores really shot itself in the foot with its stage setup. There are no poles, rails, or other props. No seats are affixed to the stage (although one could roll over a chair if he were so inclined). This creates the interesting dynamic of having to stand and deliver for special attention. Mostly, the dancers looked like deer in headlights up there without something to hold onto.
For a private dance, I cherry-picked the best stage performer, a little blonde hard body with decent curves who called herself Jesse. In my experience, a good stage presence usually translates well to the lap, but not always. Jesse was one of those exceptions. Her dance ranked up there with one of my all time worst – a complete dud. No energy, no interest, minimal contact. In her defense, fight coverage began just as our dance started, and the DJ inexplicably turned off the music to broadcast the playing of the national anthem. Obviously not one for patriotism, Jesse was thrown off her game big time. If she had shown any effort whatsoever I would have given her a mulligan, but unfortunately there was nothing redeeming about the dance.
Scores receives some points here, though, for what looked like decent dances and a fair amount of grinding from the transactions I spied taking place on the main floor. Indeed, one dancer in particular utilized a pretty heroic thrusting maneuver that Peter had never witnessed before; kudos to her for picking up the slack saving this category from ruin.
Quality of Dancers (7/10) - Scores has its share of beautiful girls, and most are young. I saw only one real stunner, however. Like most other New York City venues, Scores is topless only.
Number of Dancers (5/10) - For a Saturday night special event, the number of dancers circulating in the club seemed merely adequate. With the amount of money getting thrown around by the Wall Street-types, a lot of dancers were surely preoccupied in the private and semi-private sections. One host’s claim that between 40 and 60 dancers were working that night was laughable. When I asked a dancer, she estimated from 20 to 30 dancers were working.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) - With the amount of blonde girls running around, I was afraid Scores had transported me into a Hugh Hefner wet dream. I was shocked at the lack of variety. The usual trip to a New York City club is like the “It’s a Small World” at Disney World, but with more silicone. Not at Scores. There were a handful of black girls, but I did not see one ethnically-identifiable Latina or Asian. I did not meet any Eastern Europeans or Russians; only dancers with names like Jesse and Betty. The Scores cast fails the diversity test with respect to body type, as well. Those with a taste for thicker, curvier dancers would have been disappointed by the selection.
Attitude of Dancers (2/10) - As would be expected, I found the dancers less friendly as the night went on and the club filled up. Like the fighters we were watching on the flat screens, the dancers all had their eyes on the prize, and our conversations got down to brass tacks fairly quickly. On the bright side, their cool, business-like indifference didn’t lead to any flak that I sometimes get when politely declining an advance.
That’s where the positives end. I could barely believe it when Jesse stopped dancing at the end of the sub-2:00 Star Spangled Banner and said “guess that’s our song.” Pausing for a moment to let her reconsider, I was briskly reminded of the $20 I owed and that we couldn’t tarry in the semi-private lap dance section. I understand that things move faster in New York City, but this kind of treatment just cannot be condoned.
Value (0.5/10) - With a $30 cover and $10 domestics, you’re going to be in for $40 within seconds of walking in the door. A $20 lap dance is not unreasonable for New York City, but it would be more palatable if the dancers actually earned their money. Your wallet will take a big hit if you’re interested in anything saucier. A “curtain” room is $350/hour ($175 for 30 minutes), and a “door” room is $500 ($250). Mercifully, drink purchases are not required for the private rooms. A decent party atmosphere and some eye candy is not enough to justify Scores’s high prices. Don’t be fooled by the flash and hype – there’s not a lot of substance here.
Dance Setup (4/10) - Customers were receiving lap dances pretty much everywhere but the main bar. The semi-private sections are elevated and isolated, and would offer a nice opportunity for debauchery if not for the ubiquitous security stationed around every corner. Seats are wide, comfortable, and placed far enough apart to maintain the intimacy of the dance. Like most New York City clubs, the private rooms are strategically sequestered for the best action.
Club Setup (7/10) - The public area of the club is one level divided into five distinct sections: the main floor with the stage and waitress service at small tables; an elevated bar with both bar seats and standing room; a semi-private elevated section for groups requesting bottle service; a separate section reserved for lap dances; and the restaurant. All sections have a great view of the stage.
The bar area is fairly long but not very deep, and by midnight, as the club began filling up, the bar became very crowded. Because Scores was catering to groups for Fight Night, management had restricted the main floor to bottle service. A host assured me that ordinarily guests can sit at tables on the main floor without obligation.
Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) - At least a dozen flat screen TVs rim the interior, providing a view of the game or fight from any seat. The club is dimly lit, and neon fixtures and the occasional smoke machine and laser show create the party vibe. Edgy showcases – featuring naked barbie dolls in compromising positions with everyday objects like hammers and tongs – appear prominently over the main bar. With the exception of shutting off the music for the national anthem, the DJ was well above-average, and I commend his Depeche Mode selection, “Enjoy the Silence.”
Unfortunately, the bouncers/hosts with CIA-style earplugs had the joint canvassed like we were in the middle of Baghdad. And by the decor, I couldn't blame them for the mistake. A large, Persian rug-styled stripe runs down the main stage’s backdrop, across the stage itself, and onto the floor. On the backdrop, eight screens flank this magic carpet stripe. They alternate between two computer-generated effects: the first, music visualizations (the kind you get when you play an audio CD using your Windows Media Player), and the second, silhouetted scenes of dancers performing acts ranging from the goofy to the sado-masochistic. The combined impression left me waiting for Goldmember to come skating out onto the stage through some Austin Powers-style time warp.
Club Accessibility (4/5) - Situated just south of the Penn Station rail yards and a stone’s throw from the Hudson, Scores is in the middle of a subway deadzone. The walk from Penn Station is 15-20 minutes and not for the feint of heart. Your best bet is to cab it there, as the club is easily accessible from the West Side Highway. You could also drive yourself and avoid the midtown clusterfuck, but you will have to pay for valet service in order to park your car in the secure lot across the street from the club.
Overall - On a marquee night, Scores failed to deliver. Management’s decision to cater to groups ordering bottle service left everyone else cramped in the small bar section. The focus on deep pockets filtered down to the dancers, too, making for a lackluster experience on the whole. Scores is just begging for a re-review on a more typical evening, but for the now, the best things I can say about Fight Night at Scores? Look for the cart food on your way out at 10th avenue – it really hits the spot.
TOTAL SCORE = 43
For a private dance, I cherry-picked the best stage performer, a little blonde hard body with decent curves who called herself Jesse. In my experience, a good stage presence usually translates well to the lap, but not always. Jesse was one of those exceptions. Her dance ranked up there with one of my all time worst – a complete dud. No energy, no interest, minimal contact. In her defense, fight coverage began just as our dance started, and the DJ inexplicably turned off the music to broadcast the playing of the national anthem. Obviously not one for patriotism, Jesse was thrown off her game big time. If she had shown any effort whatsoever I would have given her a mulligan, but unfortunately there was nothing redeeming about the dance.
Scores receives some points here, though, for what looked like decent dances and a fair amount of grinding from the transactions I spied taking place on the main floor. Indeed, one dancer in particular utilized a pretty heroic thrusting maneuver that Peter had never witnessed before; kudos to her for picking up the slack saving this category from ruin.
Quality of Dancers (7/10) - Scores has its share of beautiful girls, and most are young. I saw only one real stunner, however. Like most other New York City venues, Scores is topless only.
Number of Dancers (5/10) - For a Saturday night special event, the number of dancers circulating in the club seemed merely adequate. With the amount of money getting thrown around by the Wall Street-types, a lot of dancers were surely preoccupied in the private and semi-private sections. One host’s claim that between 40 and 60 dancers were working that night was laughable. When I asked a dancer, she estimated from 20 to 30 dancers were working.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) - With the amount of blonde girls running around, I was afraid Scores had transported me into a Hugh Hefner wet dream. I was shocked at the lack of variety. The usual trip to a New York City club is like the “It’s a Small World” at Disney World, but with more silicone. Not at Scores. There were a handful of black girls, but I did not see one ethnically-identifiable Latina or Asian. I did not meet any Eastern Europeans or Russians; only dancers with names like Jesse and Betty. The Scores cast fails the diversity test with respect to body type, as well. Those with a taste for thicker, curvier dancers would have been disappointed by the selection.
Attitude of Dancers (2/10) - As would be expected, I found the dancers less friendly as the night went on and the club filled up. Like the fighters we were watching on the flat screens, the dancers all had their eyes on the prize, and our conversations got down to brass tacks fairly quickly. On the bright side, their cool, business-like indifference didn’t lead to any flak that I sometimes get when politely declining an advance.
That’s where the positives end. I could barely believe it when Jesse stopped dancing at the end of the sub-2:00 Star Spangled Banner and said “guess that’s our song.” Pausing for a moment to let her reconsider, I was briskly reminded of the $20 I owed and that we couldn’t tarry in the semi-private lap dance section. I understand that things move faster in New York City, but this kind of treatment just cannot be condoned.
Value (0.5/10) - With a $30 cover and $10 domestics, you’re going to be in for $40 within seconds of walking in the door. A $20 lap dance is not unreasonable for New York City, but it would be more palatable if the dancers actually earned their money. Your wallet will take a big hit if you’re interested in anything saucier. A “curtain” room is $350/hour ($175 for 30 minutes), and a “door” room is $500 ($250). Mercifully, drink purchases are not required for the private rooms. A decent party atmosphere and some eye candy is not enough to justify Scores’s high prices. Don’t be fooled by the flash and hype – there’s not a lot of substance here.
Dance Setup (4/10) - Customers were receiving lap dances pretty much everywhere but the main bar. The semi-private sections are elevated and isolated, and would offer a nice opportunity for debauchery if not for the ubiquitous security stationed around every corner. Seats are wide, comfortable, and placed far enough apart to maintain the intimacy of the dance. Like most New York City clubs, the private rooms are strategically sequestered for the best action.
Club Setup (7/10) - The public area of the club is one level divided into five distinct sections: the main floor with the stage and waitress service at small tables; an elevated bar with both bar seats and standing room; a semi-private elevated section for groups requesting bottle service; a separate section reserved for lap dances; and the restaurant. All sections have a great view of the stage.
The bar area is fairly long but not very deep, and by midnight, as the club began filling up, the bar became very crowded. Because Scores was catering to groups for Fight Night, management had restricted the main floor to bottle service. A host assured me that ordinarily guests can sit at tables on the main floor without obligation.
Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) - At least a dozen flat screen TVs rim the interior, providing a view of the game or fight from any seat. The club is dimly lit, and neon fixtures and the occasional smoke machine and laser show create the party vibe. Edgy showcases – featuring naked barbie dolls in compromising positions with everyday objects like hammers and tongs – appear prominently over the main bar. With the exception of shutting off the music for the national anthem, the DJ was well above-average, and I commend his Depeche Mode selection, “Enjoy the Silence.”
Unfortunately, the bouncers/hosts with CIA-style earplugs had the joint canvassed like we were in the middle of Baghdad. And by the decor, I couldn't blame them for the mistake. A large, Persian rug-styled stripe runs down the main stage’s backdrop, across the stage itself, and onto the floor. On the backdrop, eight screens flank this magic carpet stripe. They alternate between two computer-generated effects: the first, music visualizations (the kind you get when you play an audio CD using your Windows Media Player), and the second, silhouetted scenes of dancers performing acts ranging from the goofy to the sado-masochistic. The combined impression left me waiting for Goldmember to come skating out onto the stage through some Austin Powers-style time warp.
Club Accessibility (4/5) - Situated just south of the Penn Station rail yards and a stone’s throw from the Hudson, Scores is in the middle of a subway deadzone. The walk from Penn Station is 15-20 minutes and not for the feint of heart. Your best bet is to cab it there, as the club is easily accessible from the West Side Highway. You could also drive yourself and avoid the midtown clusterfuck, but you will have to pay for valet service in order to park your car in the secure lot across the street from the club.
Overall - On a marquee night, Scores failed to deliver. Management’s decision to cater to groups ordering bottle service left everyone else cramped in the small bar section. The focus on deep pockets filtered down to the dancers, too, making for a lackluster experience on the whole. Scores is just begging for a re-review on a more typical evening, but for the now, the best things I can say about Fight Night at Scores? Look for the cart food on your way out at 10th avenue – it really hits the spot.
TOTAL SCORE = 43
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Scruples (Bridgeport. CT)
Quality of dances (8/20) – You'll get some decent grind action here, but two way contact is not encouraged and, with a bouncer closely monitoring the action, it isn't the type of place where you'll want to push your luck. Considering the things that go on in some of the other Bridgeport clubs, Scruples needs to step their game up, because "decent" just isn't good enough to compete.
Quality of dancers (7.5/10) – There's a lot of variation from night to night, but I've seen plenty of 8s in here, and it's very rare to see anyone below a 5 or a 6. The top end girls aren't all that much better than in most other Connecticut clubs, but the quality control seems to be significantly above average.
Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – This place can be packed with both dancers and customers on weekend nights. Though the ratio of dancers to customers isn't always great, there are usually enough girls to choose from so that you shouldn't have to wait too long to get someone's attention for a dance. That's particularly true if, as is often the case, one of the other clubs in the area is shut down due to legal troubles.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – There's a nice mix of fit white and Latina dancers, but I've been surprised by the relative lack of black dancers and big asses.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – These girls are hot, but a lot of them think that they're hotter than they are. It's not that they're nasty, but they just aren't all that inviting either.
Value (3.5/10) – The $8 cover on weekend nights seems a little on the high side, the mediocre dances are $20 each and cans of beer are $4 each. They have bottles of beer as well, but I can never pass up the opportunity to guzzle a few cans of beer in a strip club, so I'm not sure of the price for them. Like all Connecticut clubs that serve alcohol, this place is topless, but I never feel like my dollar bills are well spent at the Scruples stage.
Dance Setup (1.5/10) – The owners of this place seem to have more invested in the club than do a lot of the other Bridgeport club owners, and the dance setup is designed to make sure that nothing happens that will cost them their club. That's logical from a business perspective, but it's unfortunate for us customers. All of the dances are given in a small sectioned off area in the back of the club where a bouncer watches everything. The chairs are attached as if they were all part of a bench, but arm rests thankfully separate customers from each other. The dance setup is really the main reason that I haven't spent a whole lot of time in this club.
Club Setup (3/10) – There's a massage chair, a huge bar and a long stage, but the stage isn't placed at a logical angle and there are barely any tables. Worst of all, the club is way too bright, so you (or at least I) feel kind of creepy sitting at the stage staring at a girl. Unfortunately, thanks to the odd angle of the stage, you don't really have any other option if you want a decent view of the action.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – The atmosphere at Scruples isn't bad at all by Bridgeport standards. When I've been here, the crowd has been mostly small groups of guys who are stopping by on their way home from work. The lack of tables prevents it from being great for larger groups and I probably wouldn't go here for a night out, but it has a nice relaxed vibe that makes it a decent option if you're looking for a place to enjoy a beer or two.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The neighborhood isn't the greatest, but it's not terrible for Bridgeport and the parking lot is monitored. There's no fee for parking, though tips to the parking lot attendant are always appreciated.
Overall – This is one of the cleaner Bridgeport clubs and really isn't bad overall, but the dance setup and the dance quality will need to improve for me to ever make this one of my regular stops. Unfortunately, I don't imagine that will be happening anytime soon.
TOTAL SCORE = 44.5
Quality of dancers (7.5/10) – There's a lot of variation from night to night, but I've seen plenty of 8s in here, and it's very rare to see anyone below a 5 or a 6. The top end girls aren't all that much better than in most other Connecticut clubs, but the quality control seems to be significantly above average.
Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – This place can be packed with both dancers and customers on weekend nights. Though the ratio of dancers to customers isn't always great, there are usually enough girls to choose from so that you shouldn't have to wait too long to get someone's attention for a dance. That's particularly true if, as is often the case, one of the other clubs in the area is shut down due to legal troubles.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – There's a nice mix of fit white and Latina dancers, but I've been surprised by the relative lack of black dancers and big asses.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – These girls are hot, but a lot of them think that they're hotter than they are. It's not that they're nasty, but they just aren't all that inviting either.
Value (3.5/10) – The $8 cover on weekend nights seems a little on the high side, the mediocre dances are $20 each and cans of beer are $4 each. They have bottles of beer as well, but I can never pass up the opportunity to guzzle a few cans of beer in a strip club, so I'm not sure of the price for them. Like all Connecticut clubs that serve alcohol, this place is topless, but I never feel like my dollar bills are well spent at the Scruples stage.
Dance Setup (1.5/10) – The owners of this place seem to have more invested in the club than do a lot of the other Bridgeport club owners, and the dance setup is designed to make sure that nothing happens that will cost them their club. That's logical from a business perspective, but it's unfortunate for us customers. All of the dances are given in a small sectioned off area in the back of the club where a bouncer watches everything. The chairs are attached as if they were all part of a bench, but arm rests thankfully separate customers from each other. The dance setup is really the main reason that I haven't spent a whole lot of time in this club.
Club Setup (3/10) – There's a massage chair, a huge bar and a long stage, but the stage isn't placed at a logical angle and there are barely any tables. Worst of all, the club is way too bright, so you (or at least I) feel kind of creepy sitting at the stage staring at a girl. Unfortunately, thanks to the odd angle of the stage, you don't really have any other option if you want a decent view of the action.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – The atmosphere at Scruples isn't bad at all by Bridgeport standards. When I've been here, the crowd has been mostly small groups of guys who are stopping by on their way home from work. The lack of tables prevents it from being great for larger groups and I probably wouldn't go here for a night out, but it has a nice relaxed vibe that makes it a decent option if you're looking for a place to enjoy a beer or two.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The neighborhood isn't the greatest, but it's not terrible for Bridgeport and the parking lot is monitored. There's no fee for parking, though tips to the parking lot attendant are always appreciated.
Overall – This is one of the cleaner Bridgeport clubs and really isn't bad overall, but the dance setup and the dance quality will need to improve for me to ever make this one of my regular stops. Unfortunately, I don't imagine that will be happening anytime soon.
TOTAL SCORE = 44.5
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Juicee's (Norwich, CT)
Quality of Dances (10/20) - Most of the dances that I had at Juicee's were decent but unspectacular. Some of the girls allowed full 2-way contact (I was told to touch "anywhere but the cookie"), but some were a little more reserved. Sadly, even the best girls failed to pay any special attention to body parts that like special attention.
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) - They probably don't have a whole lot to choose from in the middle of nowhere and it shows, because quality control is non-existent. I saw a few girls who weren't bad, but there were a few who were among the worst I've ever seen in a club. I'm not a huge fan of old ladies, c-section scars or white trash, but when you combine all of those qualities into one messy woman, the result is even worse than the sum of its parts.
Variety (2/5) - I've only been here once, but most of the girls working that night were white. There was one darker skinned girl working, and there was a pretty wide array of body types, including one girl who was quite possibly a midget.
Number (3/10) - Though there weren't many dancers working the night that I was there, there weren't many customers either. The ratio hovered around 1-to-1 for most of the evening. Usually that's a good thing, but it did make it a little bit difficult to avoid the less desirable girls.
Attitude (3.5/10) - The "little person" was one of the friendliest dancers I've ever met, but the others weren't nearly as welcoming. If you don't like being a stripper, either find another way to make money or learn to at least pretend like you enjoy it while you're working. I'm not sure if saying "I hate doing this" is supposed to make customers feel bad and give more tips, but it definitely didn't work with this customer.
Value (6/10) -It's unheard of for a place with a $12 cover, $4 sodas and $20 dances to get an above average value score, but Juicee's pulled it off. Instead of giving dances by the song, they give them in timed 7 minute blocks. Assuming that the average strip club song is about 3 minutes long, that works out to a little under $10 per song, which is about as good as you'll find. And it really does make a lot of sense. Why should you have to pay the same amount for 1 song whether it's Extra Pale by the Goo Goo Dolls, coming in just shy of 2 minutes (which the day shift girls at the Electric Blue still try to get away with) or American Pie by Don McLean?
Dance Setup (2.5/10) - The lap dance area has a few chairs in a raised area along the side of the club with no privacy between them, but no one in the rest of the club can see much of what goes on below your shoulders. It's a fairly poor setup, but sadly, it's still better than you'll find in a lot of Connecticut clubs.
Club Setup (2/10) - This place is a dump. They have a decent sized bar, but since they don't serve alcohol, who gives a shit? The stage is fairly large, but its mostly unutilized with dancers going on one at a time. They have some arcade games that look like they haven't been used in decades along with a pop-a-shot machine and some pool tables. There's also one TV in the corner of the club, but everything about it is worse than you're imagining.
Atmosphere (1/10) - The patrons were all really friendly, but an alcohol-free, non-BYOB place will never get a good atmosphere score. Hopefully they just couldn't get a liquor license, because I don't know why any club would think that the lack of undies is worth the lack of alcohol.
Location (2/5) - Juicee's is at the end of a dead end alley. As you pull up, you'll be hoping that you don't run into any trouble because it seems like the type of place when you could be murdered and dumped in the weeds to never be found. On the bright side, it is reasonably near the casinos, so it gets a few points.
Overall - There's not a single thing that Juicee's does particularly well. The dances are okay and the some of the dancers are friendly, but everything else is well below average. If you're at the Connecticut casinos and are looking to go to a club, you're much better off spending the extra time to drive to Providence.
TOTAL SCORE = 34.5
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) - They probably don't have a whole lot to choose from in the middle of nowhere and it shows, because quality control is non-existent. I saw a few girls who weren't bad, but there were a few who were among the worst I've ever seen in a club. I'm not a huge fan of old ladies, c-section scars or white trash, but when you combine all of those qualities into one messy woman, the result is even worse than the sum of its parts.
Variety (2/5) - I've only been here once, but most of the girls working that night were white. There was one darker skinned girl working, and there was a pretty wide array of body types, including one girl who was quite possibly a midget.
Number (3/10) - Though there weren't many dancers working the night that I was there, there weren't many customers either. The ratio hovered around 1-to-1 for most of the evening. Usually that's a good thing, but it did make it a little bit difficult to avoid the less desirable girls.
Attitude (3.5/10) - The "little person" was one of the friendliest dancers I've ever met, but the others weren't nearly as welcoming. If you don't like being a stripper, either find another way to make money or learn to at least pretend like you enjoy it while you're working. I'm not sure if saying "I hate doing this" is supposed to make customers feel bad and give more tips, but it definitely didn't work with this customer.
Value (6/10) -It's unheard of for a place with a $12 cover, $4 sodas and $20 dances to get an above average value score, but Juicee's pulled it off. Instead of giving dances by the song, they give them in timed 7 minute blocks. Assuming that the average strip club song is about 3 minutes long, that works out to a little under $10 per song, which is about as good as you'll find. And it really does make a lot of sense. Why should you have to pay the same amount for 1 song whether it's Extra Pale by the Goo Goo Dolls, coming in just shy of 2 minutes (which the day shift girls at the Electric Blue still try to get away with) or American Pie by Don McLean?
Dance Setup (2.5/10) - The lap dance area has a few chairs in a raised area along the side of the club with no privacy between them, but no one in the rest of the club can see much of what goes on below your shoulders. It's a fairly poor setup, but sadly, it's still better than you'll find in a lot of Connecticut clubs.
Club Setup (2/10) - This place is a dump. They have a decent sized bar, but since they don't serve alcohol, who gives a shit? The stage is fairly large, but its mostly unutilized with dancers going on one at a time. They have some arcade games that look like they haven't been used in decades along with a pop-a-shot machine and some pool tables. There's also one TV in the corner of the club, but everything about it is worse than you're imagining.
Atmosphere (1/10) - The patrons were all really friendly, but an alcohol-free, non-BYOB place will never get a good atmosphere score. Hopefully they just couldn't get a liquor license, because I don't know why any club would think that the lack of undies is worth the lack of alcohol.
Location (2/5) - Juicee's is at the end of a dead end alley. As you pull up, you'll be hoping that you don't run into any trouble because it seems like the type of place when you could be murdered and dumped in the weeds to never be found. On the bright side, it is reasonably near the casinos, so it gets a few points.
Overall - There's not a single thing that Juicee's does particularly well. The dances are okay and the some of the dancers are friendly, but everything else is well below average. If you're at the Connecticut casinos and are looking to go to a club, you're much better off spending the extra time to drive to Providence.
TOTAL SCORE = 34.5
Sunday, October 3, 2010
The Other Side (Fitchburg, MA) CLOSED
Quality of dances (6/20) – With a no-touching policy in effect, The Other Side is limited in its potential for dance quality, but the grind isn't bad, so at least they're trying to make the best out of a bad situation. I almost want to give them an extra point because my dance came from our waitress (who was trying to make the transition into a dancer), but really, novelty is no substitute for quality, and the dance speaks for itself.
Quality of dancers (4.5/10) – When this club was originally reviewed in early 2009, it laid an egg and posted a zero in this category. However, on my more recent trip, there were a handful of attractive dancers who may not have been 10's, but certainly deserve a little love.
Number of dancers (2.5/10) – Three dancers on a Thursday evening is unacceptable, even for this moderately-sized, off-the-beaten-path club.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – On my first visit, I saw a couple of black dancers, but on my more recent trip, it was skinny white girls only. I expect more diversity than that, even in Fitchburg.
Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – At least two dancers were pretty fun, hanging out and shooting the shit while they waited for their turn on stage. Interestingly, while they were both aggressively hustling drinks, neither was hustling dances, which was nice.
Value (4/10) – $5 cover at all times, which is exactly $5 too much. We're in Fitchburg, people; don't flatter yourselves or your club. Beers were $3.50, stage action was mediocre. If you're looking to get drunk, the value is solid. But they could do better.
Dance Setup (0/10) – There is no actual dance room at The Other Side. It's more of a raised area that's further away from the stage. There are no partitions separating it from the rest of the floor and there's nothing to prevent the local mustached creeper on the other side of the club from watching you get grinded on.
Club Setup (4/10) – The setup isn't good, but it's not terrible. Sort of standard. Ample seating at the stage, some low-top and high-top tables surrounding it, a bar on the far side. Nothing really to complain about here, but nothing to rave about either.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place has got a dive bar vibe, similar to Lamplighter II in Worcester but a little classier. Nothing remarkable to mention.
Club Accessibility (.5/5) – Almost 40 minutes outside of Worcester, The Other Side is in the middle of nowhere. It only avoids a zero because of its proximity to Route 2 and 190.
Overall – The Other Side is a not a destination strip club. In fact, it's hardly a stop-in-on-your-way-through-town strip club. I will probably never go back and would only recommend it to those who live in Fitchburg and don't own a car.
TOTAL SCORE = 31
Quality of dancers (4.5/10) – When this club was originally reviewed in early 2009, it laid an egg and posted a zero in this category. However, on my more recent trip, there were a handful of attractive dancers who may not have been 10's, but certainly deserve a little love.
Number of dancers (2.5/10) – Three dancers on a Thursday evening is unacceptable, even for this moderately-sized, off-the-beaten-path club.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – On my first visit, I saw a couple of black dancers, but on my more recent trip, it was skinny white girls only. I expect more diversity than that, even in Fitchburg.
Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – At least two dancers were pretty fun, hanging out and shooting the shit while they waited for their turn on stage. Interestingly, while they were both aggressively hustling drinks, neither was hustling dances, which was nice.
Value (4/10) – $5 cover at all times, which is exactly $5 too much. We're in Fitchburg, people; don't flatter yourselves or your club. Beers were $3.50, stage action was mediocre. If you're looking to get drunk, the value is solid. But they could do better.
Dance Setup (0/10) – There is no actual dance room at The Other Side. It's more of a raised area that's further away from the stage. There are no partitions separating it from the rest of the floor and there's nothing to prevent the local mustached creeper on the other side of the club from watching you get grinded on.
Club Setup (4/10) – The setup isn't good, but it's not terrible. Sort of standard. Ample seating at the stage, some low-top and high-top tables surrounding it, a bar on the far side. Nothing really to complain about here, but nothing to rave about either.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place has got a dive bar vibe, similar to Lamplighter II in Worcester but a little classier. Nothing remarkable to mention.
Club Accessibility (.5/5) – Almost 40 minutes outside of Worcester, The Other Side is in the middle of nowhere. It only avoids a zero because of its proximity to Route 2 and 190.
Overall – The Other Side is a not a destination strip club. In fact, it's hardly a stop-in-on-your-way-through-town strip club. I will probably never go back and would only recommend it to those who live in Fitchburg and don't own a car.
TOTAL SCORE = 31
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Mardi Gras II (East Windsor, CT)
Quality of Dances (11/20) – I've gotten some decent grind action and have been allowed to touch the legs and hips, but the dance setup doesn't really allow things to get too intimate. It's probably worth getting a dance if you're already in the club, but I wouldn't go out of my way for it.
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – Almost every girl in this place is pretty, but not stunningly so. I haven't seen many dancers here that I'd rate below a 6 or above an 8. That still puts them in the upper echelon of Connecticut clubs, but it would be nice to see a knockout once in a while.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – Mardi Gras II has a lot of girls working on the Friday and Saturday nights, but the place can get packed, so it can still be hard to get a girl for a dance. On the bright side, at least you do get to watch several girls on stage at a time while you wait. The crowds aren't bad during the day, but obviously there aren't as many girls working then either.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – I've seen some black girls and a few Latinas, but the majority of the girls here are white. There's a decent mix of body types, but all of the girls that I've seen have been at least relatively fit.
Attitude of dancers (3/10) – When this place is packed, no girls will be spending more than a minute or two with any individual guy, but they do seem to be friendly for the most part once your get their attention. The small gap between customers and the stage also makes interaction a little more difficult than it should be, and one loyal reader has reported that the dancers aren't overly inviting to couples.
Value (8/10) – You'll have a hard time finding a better deal than a $3 weekend evening cover and $3 drafts. The dances are a reasonable value at $20 each and you get a great show for a few bucks at the stage, but the beer prices are what really make this place ideal for a cheap outing.
Dance Setup (3/10) – The dances are given in a sectioned off area in the corner of the club on several small individual couches. They aren't particularly comfortable and allow the guy across from you to watch your dance, but they do at least provide some separation and are a huge improvement over the way the dance area was setup a few years ago.
Club Setup (4/10) – The bar is enormous and takes up almost the entire club, and the stage is inside the bar area. There's a narrow area between the bar and the stage where the bartenders can walk to deliver drinks, so you're a little further from the dancers than you'd be in most clubs, but a lot of them go over the channel and dance on the actual bar. They only have a few tables that aren't at the bar, but unfortunately, the lack of non-bar/non-stage space in the club makes it unlikely that this problem will ever be corrected.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The lack of tables is the only thing that really holds this club back from being a great place for large groups to hang out, but it's still a lot of fun for small groups or solo outings.
Club Accessibility (1/5) –This club is between Springfield and Hartford, but isn't particularly close to either. It's a shame that a place with such amazing drink prices isn't close enough to any metropolitan areas/hotels to allow you to take full advantage without worrying about having a designated driver.
Overall – This is one of the better clubs in northern Connecticut, but unless the dance setup improves, I just can't justify going here when the Electric Blue is only 20 minutes away. Mardi Gras II would be a very solid choice though if you're looking for a change of pace or aren't particularly interested in lap dances.
TOTAL SCORE = 53.5
Updated: February, 2012
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – Almost every girl in this place is pretty, but not stunningly so. I haven't seen many dancers here that I'd rate below a 6 or above an 8. That still puts them in the upper echelon of Connecticut clubs, but it would be nice to see a knockout once in a while.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – Mardi Gras II has a lot of girls working on the Friday and Saturday nights, but the place can get packed, so it can still be hard to get a girl for a dance. On the bright side, at least you do get to watch several girls on stage at a time while you wait. The crowds aren't bad during the day, but obviously there aren't as many girls working then either.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – I've seen some black girls and a few Latinas, but the majority of the girls here are white. There's a decent mix of body types, but all of the girls that I've seen have been at least relatively fit.
Attitude of dancers (3/10) – When this place is packed, no girls will be spending more than a minute or two with any individual guy, but they do seem to be friendly for the most part once your get their attention. The small gap between customers and the stage also makes interaction a little more difficult than it should be, and one loyal reader has reported that the dancers aren't overly inviting to couples.
Value (8/10) – You'll have a hard time finding a better deal than a $3 weekend evening cover and $3 drafts. The dances are a reasonable value at $20 each and you get a great show for a few bucks at the stage, but the beer prices are what really make this place ideal for a cheap outing.
Dance Setup (3/10) – The dances are given in a sectioned off area in the corner of the club on several small individual couches. They aren't particularly comfortable and allow the guy across from you to watch your dance, but they do at least provide some separation and are a huge improvement over the way the dance area was setup a few years ago.
Club Setup (4/10) – The bar is enormous and takes up almost the entire club, and the stage is inside the bar area. There's a narrow area between the bar and the stage where the bartenders can walk to deliver drinks, so you're a little further from the dancers than you'd be in most clubs, but a lot of them go over the channel and dance on the actual bar. They only have a few tables that aren't at the bar, but unfortunately, the lack of non-bar/non-stage space in the club makes it unlikely that this problem will ever be corrected.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The lack of tables is the only thing that really holds this club back from being a great place for large groups to hang out, but it's still a lot of fun for small groups or solo outings.
Club Accessibility (1/5) –This club is between Springfield and Hartford, but isn't particularly close to either. It's a shame that a place with such amazing drink prices isn't close enough to any metropolitan areas/hotels to allow you to take full advantage without worrying about having a designated driver.
Overall – This is one of the better clubs in northern Connecticut, but unless the dance setup improves, I just can't justify going here when the Electric Blue is only 20 minutes away. Mardi Gras II would be a very solid choice though if you're looking for a change of pace or aren't particularly interested in lap dances.
TOTAL SCORE = 53.5
Updated: February, 2012
Monday, September 6, 2010
Club Downtown (Montreal, QC)
Quality of Dances (14/20) - One of the best things about Montreal is that you can grab a handful of titty in just about every club, and Downtown is no exception. The only real variation (other than at "upscale" places like Wanda's) is the quality of the grind, and that's well above average in this club. I haven't seen any signs of extras, but if you're looking to push your luck in one of the clubs in this area of Ste. Catherine, this would probably be your best shot.
Quality of Dancers (7/10) - The girls here are hot even by Montreal standards, but they have way more than their fair share of fake breasts.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – Club Downtown is full of dancers, but there are so many customers on busy weekends that it can still be hard to find someone for a dance. It's right down the street from the Centre Bell, so there's a particularly poor dancer-to-customer ratio when there's a Habs game or a concert.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - They have a decent mix of black and white dancers, but thin white blondes are over represented and there aren't a whole lot of curvier ladies.
Attitude of dancers (2/10) – A lot of the girls in this place are stuck up. I admit that they're attractive, but they aren't quite as hot as they think they are. I've been more impressed with the attitudes during the day shift, probably because there aren't 100 other customers waiting to hand a dancer cash if she pisses you off.
Value (6/10) – The $5 cover is about average, the drinks are expensive (as they are everywhere in Montreal), and the dances are an excellent value at $15 each. This place isn't a bad value, but it's tough to look good on the value scale when Cafe Cleopatra and its $10 dances are just a 10 minute walk away.
Dance Setup (8.5/10) – Dances are given in small booths on 3rd floor of building. They have curtains on the entrance to each booth, and although they're somewhat sheer, they're thick enough that no one can see in unless they stand there and stare - which they thankfully don't. They even get a bonus point for the airline safety style drawings reminding your drunk ass of their dance rules. Hands on the ass - ok. Pulling down their bottoms - not so much.
Club Setup (3/10) – The setup is the same as everywhere else on this block - narrow club on 2nd floor, small stage, small crowded bar and a bunch of small tables. The only thing that sets this place apart is the urinal, which is a waterfall that you piss into. It's not much, but I'm easily amused when I'm drunk.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – This place has a great party vibe and is somewhere that you could spend several hours. As with all of the clubs in this area, there are always going to be some obnoxious tourists, but it's just too much fun for me to really care.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Downtown is so accessible that you can sneak in a visit even if you're on a romantic getaway to Montreal with your girlfriend. Just say you're going to grab some poutine and run. Or so I've heard.
Overall – If the girls' attitudes would improve, this place would probably slightly beat out Super Contact for the title of best club on Rue Saint Catherine. As is, it's good enough to keep me coming back, but not so good as to ever get me to spend an entire evening here. It's definitely worth a visit though, especially if you're staying nearby or going to any of the other clubs in this part of town.
TOTAL SCORE = 59.5
Quality of Dancers (7/10) - The girls here are hot even by Montreal standards, but they have way more than their fair share of fake breasts.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – Club Downtown is full of dancers, but there are so many customers on busy weekends that it can still be hard to find someone for a dance. It's right down the street from the Centre Bell, so there's a particularly poor dancer-to-customer ratio when there's a Habs game or a concert.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - They have a decent mix of black and white dancers, but thin white blondes are over represented and there aren't a whole lot of curvier ladies.
Attitude of dancers (2/10) – A lot of the girls in this place are stuck up. I admit that they're attractive, but they aren't quite as hot as they think they are. I've been more impressed with the attitudes during the day shift, probably because there aren't 100 other customers waiting to hand a dancer cash if she pisses you off.
Value (6/10) – The $5 cover is about average, the drinks are expensive (as they are everywhere in Montreal), and the dances are an excellent value at $15 each. This place isn't a bad value, but it's tough to look good on the value scale when Cafe Cleopatra and its $10 dances are just a 10 minute walk away.
Dance Setup (8.5/10) – Dances are given in small booths on 3rd floor of building. They have curtains on the entrance to each booth, and although they're somewhat sheer, they're thick enough that no one can see in unless they stand there and stare - which they thankfully don't. They even get a bonus point for the airline safety style drawings reminding your drunk ass of their dance rules. Hands on the ass - ok. Pulling down their bottoms - not so much.
Club Setup (3/10) – The setup is the same as everywhere else on this block - narrow club on 2nd floor, small stage, small crowded bar and a bunch of small tables. The only thing that sets this place apart is the urinal, which is a waterfall that you piss into. It's not much, but I'm easily amused when I'm drunk.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – This place has a great party vibe and is somewhere that you could spend several hours. As with all of the clubs in this area, there are always going to be some obnoxious tourists, but it's just too much fun for me to really care.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Downtown is so accessible that you can sneak in a visit even if you're on a romantic getaway to Montreal with your girlfriend. Just say you're going to grab some poutine and run. Or so I've heard.
Overall – If the girls' attitudes would improve, this place would probably slightly beat out Super Contact for the title of best club on Rue Saint Catherine. As is, it's good enough to keep me coming back, but not so good as to ever get me to spend an entire evening here. It's definitely worth a visit though, especially if you're staying nearby or going to any of the other clubs in this part of town.
TOTAL SCORE = 59.5
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Mystique Gentlemen's Club (Bridgeport, CT)
Quality of Dances (8/20) – Given the location (both the city and the part of the club), I expected these dances to be amazing. They weren't bad, but they didn't live up to my lofty expectations and were about as tame as I've had in Bridgeport. You'll probably get a decent grind from the dancer's ass or knee, but two-way contact does not seem to be encouraged.
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – The sample size is fairly small since I don't get to this area all that often, but the girls here are the best that I've seen in Bridgeport. Almost all of them are attractive and reasonably young, and I have yet to see a girl who I'd go out of my way to avoid.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – They have a decent number of dancers and the ratio has always been pretty solid in my experience. If you're looking for a girl for a dance or for some conversation, you should be in luck.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – I've seen a good variety of body types and a mix of black and white dancers, with a lot of eastern Europeans. My only complaint is that I'd like to see some more Latinas in the mix, but if you're into the thicker girls that you'll find at a lot of the Bridgeport clubs, you may be a little disappointed.
Attitude of dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls are fairly friendly, though some are even more chatty that I'd like, with one girl in particular trying to convince me to help her sell the worst movie plot of all time to a studio. For the record, I have nothing to do with the movie industry, and based on her plot idea, this girl won't either. Or at least she'll never be in the kind of movies that have plots. A few of the girls just sit together in a corner of the club and don't really mix with customers, but overall, the attitudes aren't good enough to draw in customers or bad enough to keep them away.
Value (3.5/10) – The prices at Mystique are fairly standard for Connecticut. On a Friday evening, I paid a $5 cover, $4 for a beer and $20 for a solid but unspectacular dance. Because of the setup at the stage, you may feel a need to tip the dancers while you're sitting at the bar, which is unfortunate if you usually avoid spending money at the stage so that you have more for dances.
Dance Setup (2/10) – Dances are given in a separate room with its own unused stage. You sit on an uncomfortable individual bench style couch that forces you to recline somewhat, but there are no barriers in the room. As long as you're the only one getting a dance, it isn't too bad, but it's less than ideal if anyone else is back there.
Club Setup (2.5/10) – The club has a few small 2 person tables, but almost everyone sits around the horseshoe shaped bar that has an interior stage several feet away. You're too far from the stage to interact with the girls while they're dancing, and to give a tip, you have to throw wadded up $1s at the dancer. It's a good thing this club isn't in Canada, because you'd take someone's eye out if you tried that shit with a loonie.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – There's a pretty good vibe in here, especially considering that it's in Bridgeport. The stage setup makes no sense, but it does contribute to a fun atmosphere if the drinks are flowing.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – I wouldn't exactly say that this is a good neighborhood, but by Bridgeport standards, it isn't bad at all. Despite there not being a whole lot of available parking, I've never had a problem finding a spot.
Overall – There are better options in the area for aggressive dances, but Mystique isn't a bad choice if you're in Bridgeport and are hoping to see some attractive topless women, and it's a particularly good choice if getting out alive and disease-free is a priority for you.
TOTAL SCORE = 46
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – The sample size is fairly small since I don't get to this area all that often, but the girls here are the best that I've seen in Bridgeport. Almost all of them are attractive and reasonably young, and I have yet to see a girl who I'd go out of my way to avoid.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – They have a decent number of dancers and the ratio has always been pretty solid in my experience. If you're looking for a girl for a dance or for some conversation, you should be in luck.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – I've seen a good variety of body types and a mix of black and white dancers, with a lot of eastern Europeans. My only complaint is that I'd like to see some more Latinas in the mix, but if you're into the thicker girls that you'll find at a lot of the Bridgeport clubs, you may be a little disappointed.
Attitude of dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls are fairly friendly, though some are even more chatty that I'd like, with one girl in particular trying to convince me to help her sell the worst movie plot of all time to a studio. For the record, I have nothing to do with the movie industry, and based on her plot idea, this girl won't either. Or at least she'll never be in the kind of movies that have plots. A few of the girls just sit together in a corner of the club and don't really mix with customers, but overall, the attitudes aren't good enough to draw in customers or bad enough to keep them away.
Value (3.5/10) – The prices at Mystique are fairly standard for Connecticut. On a Friday evening, I paid a $5 cover, $4 for a beer and $20 for a solid but unspectacular dance. Because of the setup at the stage, you may feel a need to tip the dancers while you're sitting at the bar, which is unfortunate if you usually avoid spending money at the stage so that you have more for dances.
Dance Setup (2/10) – Dances are given in a separate room with its own unused stage. You sit on an uncomfortable individual bench style couch that forces you to recline somewhat, but there are no barriers in the room. As long as you're the only one getting a dance, it isn't too bad, but it's less than ideal if anyone else is back there.
Club Setup (2.5/10) – The club has a few small 2 person tables, but almost everyone sits around the horseshoe shaped bar that has an interior stage several feet away. You're too far from the stage to interact with the girls while they're dancing, and to give a tip, you have to throw wadded up $1s at the dancer. It's a good thing this club isn't in Canada, because you'd take someone's eye out if you tried that shit with a loonie.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – There's a pretty good vibe in here, especially considering that it's in Bridgeport. The stage setup makes no sense, but it does contribute to a fun atmosphere if the drinks are flowing.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – I wouldn't exactly say that this is a good neighborhood, but by Bridgeport standards, it isn't bad at all. Despite there not being a whole lot of available parking, I've never had a problem finding a spot.
Overall – There are better options in the area for aggressive dances, but Mystique isn't a bad choice if you're in Bridgeport and are hoping to see some attractive topless women, and it's a particularly good choice if getting out alive and disease-free is a priority for you.
TOTAL SCORE = 46
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Foxy Lady Providence (Providence, RI)
Quality of Dances (10/20) - Pussy Control handled the dance duties for the night and she received very aggressive two-way contact from her dancer of choice. In absolute terms, Pussy described a quality of dance near 14, but I had to adjust for the Pussy factor. After many years of watching Pussy spit game, I know when she has someone under her spell, and this young woman was smitten. So for now, the score stands here, with adjustments to be made upon further visits.
Quality of Dancers (3/10) - As a lover of Providence clubs and women, I had great expectations for the Foxy Lady Providence, but they were dashed on this warm Sunday evening. At almost every high-quality club, I find a dancer I'd go broke for, but I ended this night with full pockets. Pussy was likewise underwhelmed; she lamented the lack of pretty faces to supplement otherwise solid bodies. Given my love for the dancers at Foxy Lady Brockton (sister club to FLP), I wouldn't be surprised if this was an off night. Nonetheless, the judgment stands.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) - Not enough booty in the pants. Although this place scores points for strong racial and ethnic diversity, the lack of lap dance asses was tragic. The vast majority of dancers were simply too skinny. Not gram-a-day-coke-habit skinny, more like needs-a-couple-of-BLT's-and-some-beers skinny. As loyal readers know, I don't frown on fitness, but a selection that consists of only wiry frames and narrow hips is not what I'm looking for.
Number of Dancers (7/10) - With at least a dozen dancers working on a Sunday night, the Foxy Lady does well here. The customer-to-dancer ratio was probably 2.5 to 1. Though that's not exactly the 1.5 to 1 gold standard set by Sapphire Las Vegas, it's still enough to please me.
Attitude (3.5/10) - It stings to burn the Foxy Lady Providence here because one of my readers is a seemingly chill and cool dancer that works there, but they just didn't impress. Knowing that women are often stripper Kryptonite at clubs (because they're less likely to go off for a big number in the back room like a dude), I tempered my expectations when I rolled in with Pussy and her ladyfriend. What I got, though, was not less attention than expected, but virtually no attention at all. Not a single dancer even approached my group all night. That's just not acceptable for a high-end place like the Foxy Lady. The one saving grace was the stage, where a few goofy, hilarious dancers found their way to Pussy and me and brightened our night.
Value (4/10) - $6 Miller Lites are slightly above the industry standard for an upscale Providence joint, as is the $7 daytime cover ($10 at night). Stage value is solid, not for motorboat contact like Club Fantasies, but for strong and creative pole skills. The dances would be good value at $15, but fall short for the $30 asking price.
Dance Setup (7.5/10) - Dances take place in a back room, which you're guided to through a short darkish hallway. They're way out of view from the main floor and have partitioned walls, so there is excellent privacy. Had Pussy decided to push the envelope, she surely would have had ample room to maneuver with this setup.
Club Setup (6.5/10) - The Foxy Lady just misses posting a very big club setup score. The main stage sits center-floor and acts as the club's focal point. It's large, has plenty of seating, and uses mirrors and light to cleverly highlight the dancers. I also love that a sort of scaffolding hangs from the ceiling around the stage's perimeter which the dancers can use to enhance their routines. Next to the stage sits a smaller pedestal with a glassed-in shower that surely rocks everyone's face off when in use. My only real complaint is the cramped comfy, rolly chairs on the floor. The tables and chairs are so close together that one has to move aside virtually every time a cocktail waitress comes through. There's a clear outside route, but anywhere within the sea of chairs is a disastrous path.
Atmosphere (5.5/10) - Pretty standard vibe in this place. The feel is a little high-class for my tastes, with the white floor-length linens on the tables and no real degenerates milling about (besides me), but it's fine if you're into that sort of experience.
Accessibility (3.5/5) - Like most Providence strip clubs, Foxy Lady Providence is just a short cab ride from downtown, making it relatively accessible.
Overall - Is the Foxy Lady my favorite club in Providence? No. Might it be yours? Definitely. If you're looking for a higher-end experience or are trying to pop your strip club cherry, there is no better option in the area. But if you're the type of man that likes his steak rare, his women loose, and his beer cheap, then Club Fantasies or The Cadillac Lounge are the places for you.
TOTAL SCORE = 53.5
Quality of Dancers (3/10) - As a lover of Providence clubs and women, I had great expectations for the Foxy Lady Providence, but they were dashed on this warm Sunday evening. At almost every high-quality club, I find a dancer I'd go broke for, but I ended this night with full pockets. Pussy was likewise underwhelmed; she lamented the lack of pretty faces to supplement otherwise solid bodies. Given my love for the dancers at Foxy Lady Brockton (sister club to FLP), I wouldn't be surprised if this was an off night. Nonetheless, the judgment stands.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) - Not enough booty in the pants. Although this place scores points for strong racial and ethnic diversity, the lack of lap dance asses was tragic. The vast majority of dancers were simply too skinny. Not gram-a-day-coke-habit skinny, more like needs-a-couple-of-BLT's-and-some-beers skinny. As loyal readers know, I don't frown on fitness, but a selection that consists of only wiry frames and narrow hips is not what I'm looking for.
Number of Dancers (7/10) - With at least a dozen dancers working on a Sunday night, the Foxy Lady does well here. The customer-to-dancer ratio was probably 2.5 to 1. Though that's not exactly the 1.5 to 1 gold standard set by Sapphire Las Vegas, it's still enough to please me.
Attitude (3.5/10) - It stings to burn the Foxy Lady Providence here because one of my readers is a seemingly chill and cool dancer that works there, but they just didn't impress. Knowing that women are often stripper Kryptonite at clubs (because they're less likely to go off for a big number in the back room like a dude), I tempered my expectations when I rolled in with Pussy and her ladyfriend. What I got, though, was not less attention than expected, but virtually no attention at all. Not a single dancer even approached my group all night. That's just not acceptable for a high-end place like the Foxy Lady. The one saving grace was the stage, where a few goofy, hilarious dancers found their way to Pussy and me and brightened our night.
Value (4/10) - $6 Miller Lites are slightly above the industry standard for an upscale Providence joint, as is the $7 daytime cover ($10 at night). Stage value is solid, not for motorboat contact like Club Fantasies, but for strong and creative pole skills. The dances would be good value at $15, but fall short for the $30 asking price.
Dance Setup (7.5/10) - Dances take place in a back room, which you're guided to through a short darkish hallway. They're way out of view from the main floor and have partitioned walls, so there is excellent privacy. Had Pussy decided to push the envelope, she surely would have had ample room to maneuver with this setup.
Club Setup (6.5/10) - The Foxy Lady just misses posting a very big club setup score. The main stage sits center-floor and acts as the club's focal point. It's large, has plenty of seating, and uses mirrors and light to cleverly highlight the dancers. I also love that a sort of scaffolding hangs from the ceiling around the stage's perimeter which the dancers can use to enhance their routines. Next to the stage sits a smaller pedestal with a glassed-in shower that surely rocks everyone's face off when in use. My only real complaint is the cramped comfy, rolly chairs on the floor. The tables and chairs are so close together that one has to move aside virtually every time a cocktail waitress comes through. There's a clear outside route, but anywhere within the sea of chairs is a disastrous path.
Atmosphere (5.5/10) - Pretty standard vibe in this place. The feel is a little high-class for my tastes, with the white floor-length linens on the tables and no real degenerates milling about (besides me), but it's fine if you're into that sort of experience.
Accessibility (3.5/5) - Like most Providence strip clubs, Foxy Lady Providence is just a short cab ride from downtown, making it relatively accessible.
Overall - Is the Foxy Lady my favorite club in Providence? No. Might it be yours? Definitely. If you're looking for a higher-end experience or are trying to pop your strip club cherry, there is no better option in the area. But if you're the type of man that likes his steak rare, his women loose, and his beer cheap, then Club Fantasies or The Cadillac Lounge are the places for you.
TOTAL SCORE = 53.5
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Taboo Gentlemen's Club (Martinsburg, WV)
Quality of dances (7/20) – You can’t technically touch the dancers (they all seem fine with hands on hips or legs, just not elsewhere), but they can and will touch you. I was pleased with the grinding and boobies-in-my-face action, even if it was very much by the numbers. The girls are fully nude and eager to please, but not so eager as to offer any extras or allow full contact.
Quality of dancers (7/10) – All pretty, only one with fakies, and all with tight bodies. The lineup I saw on a slow Saturday afternoon was way above average.
Number of Dancers (4/10) – Hard to gauge given the time of the visit. There were more girls than guys in the club before a few more patrons filtered in, so my visit looked quite favorable. It sounds like this is a rare happening though; the bartender indicated that the previous night there were only five girls on, and that with the place packed.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Variety of body type gets high marks,with many shapes and sizes available. I appreciate a variety of different titty types, from big to small, firm to soft, and natural to natural-looking fakies. With only one girl sporting the implants, this looks like a win. Unfortunately, diversity consists of only one black girl.
Attitude of dancers (5/10) – Especially for their great bodies and beautiful faces, these are some of the least aggressive strippers I have encountered. They’re happy and easy to talk to, but not one of them asked if I wanted a private dance or even a drink. In my book, that's often a good thing; I prefers the subtle sell to the always-be-closing game found in most establishments. But here, the passiveness crossed the line into seeming apathy. Most were sitting around the bar and drinking or taking it easy. Perhaps they were tired from an exceptional shorthanded performance the previous evening (see Number of Dances comment), but it’s hard to believe they wanted to be on shift only to take their turns on stage once in a while.
Value (3.5/10) – Between 12pm and 2pm there is no cover, otherwise it’s $5. Drinks are $6 and served in the tiniest plastic cups obtainable. Private dances are $30 for five minutes, which is strictly enforced. I was heartened by obtaining a two for one coupon upon the paying the cover charge, but the dance seemed a bit short
of the full ten minutes. I’ll give Taboo the benefit of the doubt on that one, but it still leaves regular dances (no contact from you) at $30. There are no negotiations, as your dancer will head up to the man in charge, cut him his one third of the dance fee, and then head off with you for the allotted time. The champagne room gets you no extra contact. Yuck.
Dance Setup (7.5/10) – Private dance rooms have entire couches to lie back on and are very comfortable. The rooms are right next to the bar but they all have curtains for privacy.
Club Setup (8/10) – Taboo’s layout is near ideal. The main stage has plenty of chairs at the rail, with more comfortable seating in chairs and couches behind and a section further back raised up a few steps. All the stage action is viewable from any bar seat, so you should always be able to find the girl you’re looking for.
Club Atmosphere (5/10) – This is a very laid back club. Just right if you’re not into negotiation, not interested in extras, and all right with talking to some very down to earth dancers. Too laid back if you’re wanting to get your grind on and starting to wonder if you need to yell “Where my girls at?” to get someone’s attention.
Club Accessibility (2/5) – Right off route 9 in Martinsburg, WV is easy to find, but it’s a hike if you’re coming from Frederick or Hagerstown. Probably a godsend if you’re stuck in Virginia, where bottoms have to stay on and nipples have to stay covered.
Overall – I can deal with the one-way contact, but the lack of negotiation and the high prices bring down what could be a great club. The marquee outside the club makes it a point to advertise that Taboo is now serving food and there are wet t-shirt contests every Friday night. So what? I arrived at 2:10pm and still had to fork over a cover charge. Come on. The dances are paid for and done by the book, and that’s a huge downer. Just a few changes in policy would do wonders for this club, possibly enough to earn a Peter Tips seal of approval.
TOTAL SCORE = 51.5
Quality of dancers (7/10) – All pretty, only one with fakies, and all with tight bodies. The lineup I saw on a slow Saturday afternoon was way above average.
Number of Dancers (4/10) – Hard to gauge given the time of the visit. There were more girls than guys in the club before a few more patrons filtered in, so my visit looked quite favorable. It sounds like this is a rare happening though; the bartender indicated that the previous night there were only five girls on, and that with the place packed.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Variety of body type gets high marks,with many shapes and sizes available. I appreciate a variety of different titty types, from big to small, firm to soft, and natural to natural-looking fakies. With only one girl sporting the implants, this looks like a win. Unfortunately, diversity consists of only one black girl.
Attitude of dancers (5/10) – Especially for their great bodies and beautiful faces, these are some of the least aggressive strippers I have encountered. They’re happy and easy to talk to, but not one of them asked if I wanted a private dance or even a drink. In my book, that's often a good thing; I prefers the subtle sell to the always-be-closing game found in most establishments. But here, the passiveness crossed the line into seeming apathy. Most were sitting around the bar and drinking or taking it easy. Perhaps they were tired from an exceptional shorthanded performance the previous evening (see Number of Dances comment), but it’s hard to believe they wanted to be on shift only to take their turns on stage once in a while.
Value (3.5/10) – Between 12pm and 2pm there is no cover, otherwise it’s $5. Drinks are $6 and served in the tiniest plastic cups obtainable. Private dances are $30 for five minutes, which is strictly enforced. I was heartened by obtaining a two for one coupon upon the paying the cover charge, but the dance seemed a bit short
of the full ten minutes. I’ll give Taboo the benefit of the doubt on that one, but it still leaves regular dances (no contact from you) at $30. There are no negotiations, as your dancer will head up to the man in charge, cut him his one third of the dance fee, and then head off with you for the allotted time. The champagne room gets you no extra contact. Yuck.
Dance Setup (7.5/10) – Private dance rooms have entire couches to lie back on and are very comfortable. The rooms are right next to the bar but they all have curtains for privacy.
Club Setup (8/10) – Taboo’s layout is near ideal. The main stage has plenty of chairs at the rail, with more comfortable seating in chairs and couches behind and a section further back raised up a few steps. All the stage action is viewable from any bar seat, so you should always be able to find the girl you’re looking for.
Club Atmosphere (5/10) – This is a very laid back club. Just right if you’re not into negotiation, not interested in extras, and all right with talking to some very down to earth dancers. Too laid back if you’re wanting to get your grind on and starting to wonder if you need to yell “Where my girls at?” to get someone’s attention.
Club Accessibility (2/5) – Right off route 9 in Martinsburg, WV is easy to find, but it’s a hike if you’re coming from Frederick or Hagerstown. Probably a godsend if you’re stuck in Virginia, where bottoms have to stay on and nipples have to stay covered.
Overall – I can deal with the one-way contact, but the lack of negotiation and the high prices bring down what could be a great club. The marquee outside the club makes it a point to advertise that Taboo is now serving food and there are wet t-shirt contests every Friday night. So what? I arrived at 2:10pm and still had to fork over a cover charge. Come on. The dances are paid for and done by the book, and that’s a huge downer. Just a few changes in policy would do wonders for this club, possibly enough to earn a Peter Tips seal of approval.
TOTAL SCORE = 51.5
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Club Madonna (South Beach, FL)
Dances (9/20) - These dances could be fairly solid if it weren't for the constant attempts to upsell. I like to sit back and relax during a dance and you can't really do that here. These girls start with the hustle before the songs even start. "It's $25 (on top of the $25 dance fee) for you to touch me, $40 for me to touch you," etc., etc. up to "$300 for me to make you come." I gave the one girl a $10 tip to try end the sales pitch, but she still kept it going throughout the song. She did use her hands over the pants as a sample of what I could get for more cash, so there's contact to be had if you're willing to put up with the bullshit.
Dancers (6.5/10) - Most of these ladies look like the types who'd have been getting free drinks in the bars along Ocean Drive a few years ago, but once they got too old to compete with the 21 year-olds, they brought their talents to this South Beach establishment. The average age seems to be somewhere in the late 20's. Still, if you're willing to overlook the fake tits, most of these girls are reasonably attractive. I always prefer natural breasts of any size over implants, but I must admit that the doctors down here do much more convincing work that you'll find elsewhere in the U.S.
Variety (2.5/5) - There's a decent mix of white and Latina dancers, but you better like thin girls with fake tits and processed hair because that's 90% of what you'll find in here.
Number (8/10) - There are a ton of girls in this place, and even if the club is packed with customers, there are even more dancers. Whether it's a good thing or not, you'll never go more than a minute or two without being approached by one or more dancers.
Attitude (0/10) - I've never seen as much hustle as I found in this club. If these girls have any redeeming qualities, I didn't stay long enough to find them.
Atmosphere (1/10) - They get a point based on the numerous attractive female patrons, but the hustle is such a buzzkill that they don't deserve any more than that. Whether you're ordering a drink, trying to watch the stage action, getting a dance, or doing just about anything else, you'll be fighting off people who are trying to rip you off. If you let your guard down, you'll be taken. If you constantly have your guard up, that makes for a shitty strip club experience. And if that's not enough, the sheer level of douchebaggery in this place is enough to make Ed Hardy blush.
Club Setup (5.5/10) - This is a large room with high ceilings and a lot of couches/benches and small tables throughout. The bar is tiny and the main stage is smaller than you'd expect, though there were several smaller stages throughout the room that were unused while I was there. Some bigger tables and booths would make this place better for larger groups, but the setup is still decent overall.
Dance Setup (3/10) - Dances are given in individual chairs on the second floor of the club. There aren't any barriers between you and the other chairs, so the dancers and other customers who are getting dances have a clear view of you, but at least the people downstairs can't see what you're up to.
Value (0/10) - The advertised drink prices and the $25 dances aren't unreasonable for South Beach, but the prices that they actually charge for drinks, the $20 cover and the upgrade prices for lap dances are ridiculous.
Accessibility (5/5) - Club Madonna is within walking distance of anywhere in South Beach and is particularly close to the Loews Hotel. That's almost a bad thing because it means that you'll be tempted to stop by, but to be fair, I have to give them full credit.
Overall - This club sucks, which is a real shame since it has so much potential. A new manager could make this place solid within about 10 minutes and great within a few weeks, but they just don't have any motivation to put in the effort. They rely on a new batch of tourists each week, and they know that a lot of those tourists will be drunk enough to allow themselves to get ripped off. Even with the more savvy customers, the worst case scenario from the club's perspective is that you'll drop $20 on the cover, ~$10 on a drink and $25 on a dance before realizing what a hole this is and leaving. It's rare that a strip club qualifies as a tourist trap, but Club Madonna certainly does.
TOTAL SCORE = 40.5
Dancers (6.5/10) - Most of these ladies look like the types who'd have been getting free drinks in the bars along Ocean Drive a few years ago, but once they got too old to compete with the 21 year-olds, they brought their talents to this South Beach establishment. The average age seems to be somewhere in the late 20's. Still, if you're willing to overlook the fake tits, most of these girls are reasonably attractive. I always prefer natural breasts of any size over implants, but I must admit that the doctors down here do much more convincing work that you'll find elsewhere in the U.S.
Variety (2.5/5) - There's a decent mix of white and Latina dancers, but you better like thin girls with fake tits and processed hair because that's 90% of what you'll find in here.
Number (8/10) - There are a ton of girls in this place, and even if the club is packed with customers, there are even more dancers. Whether it's a good thing or not, you'll never go more than a minute or two without being approached by one or more dancers.
Attitude (0/10) - I've never seen as much hustle as I found in this club. If these girls have any redeeming qualities, I didn't stay long enough to find them.
Atmosphere (1/10) - They get a point based on the numerous attractive female patrons, but the hustle is such a buzzkill that they don't deserve any more than that. Whether you're ordering a drink, trying to watch the stage action, getting a dance, or doing just about anything else, you'll be fighting off people who are trying to rip you off. If you let your guard down, you'll be taken. If you constantly have your guard up, that makes for a shitty strip club experience. And if that's not enough, the sheer level of douchebaggery in this place is enough to make Ed Hardy blush.
Club Setup (5.5/10) - This is a large room with high ceilings and a lot of couches/benches and small tables throughout. The bar is tiny and the main stage is smaller than you'd expect, though there were several smaller stages throughout the room that were unused while I was there. Some bigger tables and booths would make this place better for larger groups, but the setup is still decent overall.
Dance Setup (3/10) - Dances are given in individual chairs on the second floor of the club. There aren't any barriers between you and the other chairs, so the dancers and other customers who are getting dances have a clear view of you, but at least the people downstairs can't see what you're up to.
Value (0/10) - The advertised drink prices and the $25 dances aren't unreasonable for South Beach, but the prices that they actually charge for drinks, the $20 cover and the upgrade prices for lap dances are ridiculous.
Accessibility (5/5) - Club Madonna is within walking distance of anywhere in South Beach and is particularly close to the Loews Hotel. That's almost a bad thing because it means that you'll be tempted to stop by, but to be fair, I have to give them full credit.
Overall - This club sucks, which is a real shame since it has so much potential. A new manager could make this place solid within about 10 minutes and great within a few weeks, but they just don't have any motivation to put in the effort. They rely on a new batch of tourists each week, and they know that a lot of those tourists will be drunk enough to allow themselves to get ripped off. Even with the more savvy customers, the worst case scenario from the club's perspective is that you'll drop $20 on the cover, ~$10 on a drink and $25 on a dance before realizing what a hole this is and leaving. It's rare that a strip club qualifies as a tourist trap, but Club Madonna certainly does.
TOTAL SCORE = 40.5
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Rumours (Stratford, CT)
Quality of dances (12.5/20) – There's two way contact and if you're willing to overlook the setting and the questionable cleanliness of the dancers, the dances are just about as good as extra-free dances can be. Still, it's tough to enjoy the dances too much when you've got a piece of wood from the chair sticking into your back and you're trying to figure out what the hell that residue is on your pants.
Quality of dancers (2.5/10) - A lot of the dancers here look like girls that you'd see working the street, and according to one dancer, some of them do. Most of the ladies aren't terribly old, but their best days are far behind them.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – There are a decent number of dancers, but a lot of them don't mingle at all, so it can be somewhat hard to find a girl for a dance. That's not a huge problem though since I don't know why you'd want a dance from any of these girls anyway unless you're tying to write a review for a strip club review website.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – I saw black and white dancers of varying body types, but I'm generally looking for a mix of attractive girls with this category, and I certainly didn't find that here.
Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – Most of the dancers spend a lot of time with the regulars, but a significant percentage of them seemed to be messed up on drugs and generally didn't seem like they'd be great to talk to.
Value (4/10) – There's no cover, but $4 drinks with a 2 drink minimum and $20 dances aren't a great value. At least not great enough to make up for the club's other deficiencies.
Dance Setup (1.5/10) – There are two old shoe-shaped chairs in a corner near the pool tables, but the chairs are falling apart. A few plants are situated to partially obscure the view from the rest of the club, but you shouldn't do anything back there that you don't want everyone else to see, because they probably will.
Club Setup (3/10) – There's a large bar and a large stage, but the stage looks fairly shitty and has to be a constant source of splinters for the dancers. The section of pool tables in the back of the club seems to be the main draw to this place. That's fine of you're looking for a pool hall, but not so great if you're looking for a strip club.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The smoke in this club is ridiculous and the crowed seemed a little bit rough, but I didn't really feel like I was in danger here. The rumor is that there's a pretty heavy Hell's Angels presence in this place and whether or not that's true, it isn't hard to believe.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – This club is a short drive from Bridgeport, and though it's not far from Bishop's Corner, it seems to be much much safer.
Overall – If I hadn't been there to write a review, I'd have opened the door, taken one look around, then walked out, but since I took this one for the team, you don't even have to waste your time doing that much. I love strip clubs, but there are few things in the world that are more depressing than a bad one, and Rumours qualifies.
TOTAL SCORE = 34
Quality of dancers (2.5/10) - A lot of the dancers here look like girls that you'd see working the street, and according to one dancer, some of them do. Most of the ladies aren't terribly old, but their best days are far behind them.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – There are a decent number of dancers, but a lot of them don't mingle at all, so it can be somewhat hard to find a girl for a dance. That's not a huge problem though since I don't know why you'd want a dance from any of these girls anyway unless you're tying to write a review for a strip club review website.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – I saw black and white dancers of varying body types, but I'm generally looking for a mix of attractive girls with this category, and I certainly didn't find that here.
Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – Most of the dancers spend a lot of time with the regulars, but a significant percentage of them seemed to be messed up on drugs and generally didn't seem like they'd be great to talk to.
Value (4/10) – There's no cover, but $4 drinks with a 2 drink minimum and $20 dances aren't a great value. At least not great enough to make up for the club's other deficiencies.
Dance Setup (1.5/10) – There are two old shoe-shaped chairs in a corner near the pool tables, but the chairs are falling apart. A few plants are situated to partially obscure the view from the rest of the club, but you shouldn't do anything back there that you don't want everyone else to see, because they probably will.
Club Setup (3/10) – There's a large bar and a large stage, but the stage looks fairly shitty and has to be a constant source of splinters for the dancers. The section of pool tables in the back of the club seems to be the main draw to this place. That's fine of you're looking for a pool hall, but not so great if you're looking for a strip club.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The smoke in this club is ridiculous and the crowed seemed a little bit rough, but I didn't really feel like I was in danger here. The rumor is that there's a pretty heavy Hell's Angels presence in this place and whether or not that's true, it isn't hard to believe.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – This club is a short drive from Bridgeport, and though it's not far from Bishop's Corner, it seems to be much much safer.
Overall – If I hadn't been there to write a review, I'd have opened the door, taken one look around, then walked out, but since I took this one for the team, you don't even have to waste your time doing that much. I love strip clubs, but there are few things in the world that are more depressing than a bad one, and Rumours qualifies.
TOTAL SCORE = 34
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Pussy Corps (Montreal, QC)
This is not a strip club, so I'm going to skip the usual format for this one. In case you're wondering why I'm reviewing a place that isn't a strip club, there are 3 reasons:
1. When you're hammered out of your mind and are trying to stumble to Circus at 4am, you'll think it's a strip club, and you'll be tempted to go inside.
2. People are not subtle in their internet searches, and having "pussy" written as many times as possible can't hurt my hit count.
Pussy pussy pussy.
3. I don't need to justify my decision to review a place called "Pussy Corps." It could be a feline grooming service, and I'd still find an excuse to write a review.
With that out of the way, this place is horrible. I walked up the steps into a dimly lit room that looked like it should be a horrible strip club, but the guy at the top of the steps explained to me that I had to pay $60 to chose a girl, then I could go into the private room with her to negotiate further activities. Even in my near blackout state, dropping 6 Cafe Cleopatra lap dances just to chose a girl for who-knows-what seemed like a bad idea, so I convinced him to let me talk to the girls before spending any cash.
Once I saw the girls though, I didn't really care what the options were, because there's nothing that they could have done that would have made up for the way they looked. There were only two to chose from, one of whom was suspiciously thin to the point that it was disturbing, and the other of whom was a pretty face away from being a Plumpers model.
Then things went downhill. The last option disturbed me to the point that I tried to block the whole menu out of my mind, but I'm pretty sure that this is how it went (all prices are in addition to the $60 room fee):
$30 - "I'll dance for you." By way of comparison, for that amount of cash, you could get a bj from one of the streetwalkers that you pass on your way here (not recommended) and have money left over to buy 2 or 3 Cafe Cleopatra dances (highly recommended).
$40 - "I'll dance for you and you can touch me." I guess that means the $90 dance is no contact.
$50 - "I'll dance for you and I'll stick something in my pussy."
$60 - "I'll dance for you and I'll stick something in my pussy and I'll stick something in my ass. You can touch yourself if you want."
The only thing that I wanted at that point was to get the hell out of there, so that's exactly what I did. No money was spent, but time was wasted, and Montreal is a city where I try to make the best use of every second that I've got. The bottom line is that, unless your thing is jerking off while watching a disgusting woman shove stuff up her ass, steer clear of Pussy Corps.
1. When you're hammered out of your mind and are trying to stumble to Circus at 4am, you'll think it's a strip club, and you'll be tempted to go inside.
2. People are not subtle in their internet searches, and having "pussy" written as many times as possible can't hurt my hit count.
Pussy pussy pussy.
3. I don't need to justify my decision to review a place called "Pussy Corps." It could be a feline grooming service, and I'd still find an excuse to write a review.
With that out of the way, this place is horrible. I walked up the steps into a dimly lit room that looked like it should be a horrible strip club, but the guy at the top of the steps explained to me that I had to pay $60 to chose a girl, then I could go into the private room with her to negotiate further activities. Even in my near blackout state, dropping 6 Cafe Cleopatra lap dances just to chose a girl for who-knows-what seemed like a bad idea, so I convinced him to let me talk to the girls before spending any cash.
Once I saw the girls though, I didn't really care what the options were, because there's nothing that they could have done that would have made up for the way they looked. There were only two to chose from, one of whom was suspiciously thin to the point that it was disturbing, and the other of whom was a pretty face away from being a Plumpers model.
Then things went downhill. The last option disturbed me to the point that I tried to block the whole menu out of my mind, but I'm pretty sure that this is how it went (all prices are in addition to the $60 room fee):
$30 - "I'll dance for you." By way of comparison, for that amount of cash, you could get a bj from one of the streetwalkers that you pass on your way here (not recommended) and have money left over to buy 2 or 3 Cafe Cleopatra dances (highly recommended).
$40 - "I'll dance for you and you can touch me." I guess that means the $90 dance is no contact.
$50 - "I'll dance for you and I'll stick something in my pussy."
$60 - "I'll dance for you and I'll stick something in my pussy and I'll stick something in my ass. You can touch yourself if you want."
The only thing that I wanted at that point was to get the hell out of there, so that's exactly what I did. No money was spent, but time was wasted, and Montreal is a city where I try to make the best use of every second that I've got. The bottom line is that, unless your thing is jerking off while watching a disgusting woman shove stuff up her ass, steer clear of Pussy Corps.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Kahoots East Hartford (East Hartford, CT)
According to the Hartford Courant, a town ordinance requires Kahoots to stop offering lap dances and, to be extra sure that there will be no contact between dancers and customers, requires that customers who wish to give tips put their bills in a tip jar. I've been to the club several times since reading the article and haven't noticed tip jars and have still had contact dances, so I'm not entirely sure what's going on. They may still be appealing the ordinance or maybe they're just ignoring it under the assumption that they might as well shut down anyway if they follow the new rules. Just to be safe, I'd recommend that you call the club to make sure that they still offer lap dances if you're going to go far out of your way to get here, though I wouldn't really recommend that you do that in either case.
Quality of Dances (12/20) - The girls grab onto the handles on the sides of booths and use them to slide back and forth to give an excellent grind. Most of the girls don't necessarily encourage you to touch them, but it does at least seem to be tolerated. Still, there's something very mechanical about these dances that makes them less enjoyable than they should be, though that may just be my perception based on the raised expectations that come with a $30 dance. I didn't get any offers for extras, but this certainly seems like the type of place where they could be available for frequent visitors.
Quality of Dancers (4/10) - You really never know what you're going to find in this place. You might find some real talent, or you might find a few meth addicts and a few girls who probably spent their careers at the Blue or the Gold Club but decided to strip here once they'd reached retirement age. On their best day, they'd probably get a 6, but on their worst day, it would be more like a 2.5. I'll split the difference and round it down since they seem to have more bad days than good ones.
Variety (2/5) - There's some variation of body types and a mix of white and Latina dancers, but I'd like to see some other races represented and a little more talent among the Latinas. Actually, now that I think about it, the Blue is more fun than this place, so maybe it's a good thing that not many of the hot Latin ladies in the area are wasting their time here.
Number (3.5/10) - I've usually found about a half dozen women working whether the place is packed or empty. Since this place is usually busier in the evenings than it deserves to be, that means the ratio isn't usually all that great. Unfortunately, the talent level doesn't seem to be as good when they're less busy, so you'll have to pick your poison.
Attitude (3/10) - Some of the girls here are friendly, but for the most part, they seem to have a little more of a street edge to them than in the other central Connecticut clubs. It isn't that they're rude, but they don't waste too much effort trying to establish the illusion that they want anything other than money.
Value (2/10) - The $5 cover from 6pm until midnight (then free), the $3-4 beers and the stage value are all acceptable. The $30 lap dances are not.
Dance Setup (6.5/10) - The dances are given in two rows of booths near the bar. Nothing covers the entrance to the booths, but a curtain separates the two rows of booths and the the angle prevents most people from seeing what you're up to, especially if you're in one of the two booths in the back. The dance setup isn't perfect, but it's about as good as I've found in Connecticut.
Club Setup (3.5/10) - There's a decent bar and a decent stage, but you can barely see the stage from the bar area. They do have some flatscreen TVs on the walls, but you should at least have a choice between watching TV and looking at topless ladies if you're having a drink at a strip club, and the setup here prevents that. The small booths that surround the stage are nice for small groups and solo visitors, but they wouldn't really work for big crowds.
Atmosphere (5/10) - The setup prevents this from being a great place for big groups, but the crowd is usually relatively friendly and it isn't bad for small groups.
Accessibility (3.5/5) - Kahoots isn't far from downtown Hartford, but it's far enough away that you'll be forced to drive to get here. There is plenty of parking though, and this place isn't good enough to justify spending enough time to get drunk anyway.
Overall - The place varies wildly from one visit to the next, but even on its best day, it can't compete with some of the better clubs in the area. If they lower the dance prices, I'll visit more often, but if they stop offering lap dances, they're dead to us. Until either of those two things happens, I'll probably continue to make infrequent visits to grab a beer and check out the talent, leaving disappointed more often than not.
TOTAL SCORE = 45
Quality of Dances (12/20) - The girls grab onto the handles on the sides of booths and use them to slide back and forth to give an excellent grind. Most of the girls don't necessarily encourage you to touch them, but it does at least seem to be tolerated. Still, there's something very mechanical about these dances that makes them less enjoyable than they should be, though that may just be my perception based on the raised expectations that come with a $30 dance. I didn't get any offers for extras, but this certainly seems like the type of place where they could be available for frequent visitors.
Quality of Dancers (4/10) - You really never know what you're going to find in this place. You might find some real talent, or you might find a few meth addicts and a few girls who probably spent their careers at the Blue or the Gold Club but decided to strip here once they'd reached retirement age. On their best day, they'd probably get a 6, but on their worst day, it would be more like a 2.5. I'll split the difference and round it down since they seem to have more bad days than good ones.
Variety (2/5) - There's some variation of body types and a mix of white and Latina dancers, but I'd like to see some other races represented and a little more talent among the Latinas. Actually, now that I think about it, the Blue is more fun than this place, so maybe it's a good thing that not many of the hot Latin ladies in the area are wasting their time here.
Number (3.5/10) - I've usually found about a half dozen women working whether the place is packed or empty. Since this place is usually busier in the evenings than it deserves to be, that means the ratio isn't usually all that great. Unfortunately, the talent level doesn't seem to be as good when they're less busy, so you'll have to pick your poison.
Attitude (3/10) - Some of the girls here are friendly, but for the most part, they seem to have a little more of a street edge to them than in the other central Connecticut clubs. It isn't that they're rude, but they don't waste too much effort trying to establish the illusion that they want anything other than money.
Value (2/10) - The $5 cover from 6pm until midnight (then free), the $3-4 beers and the stage value are all acceptable. The $30 lap dances are not.
Dance Setup (6.5/10) - The dances are given in two rows of booths near the bar. Nothing covers the entrance to the booths, but a curtain separates the two rows of booths and the the angle prevents most people from seeing what you're up to, especially if you're in one of the two booths in the back. The dance setup isn't perfect, but it's about as good as I've found in Connecticut.
Club Setup (3.5/10) - There's a decent bar and a decent stage, but you can barely see the stage from the bar area. They do have some flatscreen TVs on the walls, but you should at least have a choice between watching TV and looking at topless ladies if you're having a drink at a strip club, and the setup here prevents that. The small booths that surround the stage are nice for small groups and solo visitors, but they wouldn't really work for big crowds.
Atmosphere (5/10) - The setup prevents this from being a great place for big groups, but the crowd is usually relatively friendly and it isn't bad for small groups.
Accessibility (3.5/5) - Kahoots isn't far from downtown Hartford, but it's far enough away that you'll be forced to drive to get here. There is plenty of parking though, and this place isn't good enough to justify spending enough time to get drunk anyway.
Overall - The place varies wildly from one visit to the next, but even on its best day, it can't compete with some of the better clubs in the area. If they lower the dance prices, I'll visit more often, but if they stop offering lap dances, they're dead to us. Until either of those two things happens, I'll probably continue to make infrequent visits to grab a beer and check out the talent, leaving disappointed more often than not.
TOTAL SCORE = 45
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Pier 34 Lounge (Seymour, CT)
Quality of Dances (12.5/20) – There's a lot of variation between girls here, but I've experienced a few dancers who are very generous with their hands and their mouths over the pants. Whether or not you're interested in having these girls touch you may be a different story, but that aside, the dance quality is pretty good.
Quality of Dancers (1.5/10) – You might find a gem here from time to time, but overall, the quality is about what you'd expect from a dive bar in the middle of nowhere. They were too friendly for me to feel good about being harsh here, but I'll just say that most of the girls that I've seen have been bigger, older, or both.
Number of Dancers (1/10) – Even though there aren't a whole lot of customers, two girls working on a Friday night just isn't very good.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – The sample size is small, but I've only seen white and Brazilian girls here. There's a wide variety of body types and ages, though the variety in both of those categories go beyond what most customers would be interested in seeing.
Attitude of Dancers (9/10) – The girls here are about as friendly as you'll ever find in a club. Given the dance setup and the quality of girls, I'm guessing that most of the customers come here for the conversation more than anything else, and these dancers are nice enough to make that possible.
Value (5/10) – There isn't a cover charge (or at least there hasn't been while I've been there), beers are $4, and dances are $20. If you get one of the better dancers, $20 isn't a terrible value. I haven't seen much stage action, but that's probably a good thing.
Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There are two small benches in a corner of the main area of the club where they give the dances. Most of the people at the bar can't see you, but management does have a decent view from the one end of the bar, and anyone at the stage can watch.
Club Setup (3/10) – There's a small bar, a decent but barely used stage, and a big open room with a few shitty tables scattered around. They also have two pool tables by the bar, but I haven't seen anyone using them.
Club Atmosphere (4/10) – If you're looking for a dive bar to have a drink and joke around with the dancers and bartender, it's pretty solid. Honestly, I have no idea why I enjoyed it here, but I did, so I'll give it a decent score. Just don't expect a traditional strip club vibe, because it doesn't have that.
Club Accessibility (1/5) – This club is in the middle of nowhere, but I do like the somewhat unique location right beside the Housatonic River.
Overall – I actually have a soft spot for this place as a dive bar, but if you're hoping to see attractive topless women, you'll have to go somewhere else.
RAW SCORE = 39.5
Quality of Dancers (1.5/10) – You might find a gem here from time to time, but overall, the quality is about what you'd expect from a dive bar in the middle of nowhere. They were too friendly for me to feel good about being harsh here, but I'll just say that most of the girls that I've seen have been bigger, older, or both.
Number of Dancers (1/10) – Even though there aren't a whole lot of customers, two girls working on a Friday night just isn't very good.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – The sample size is small, but I've only seen white and Brazilian girls here. There's a wide variety of body types and ages, though the variety in both of those categories go beyond what most customers would be interested in seeing.
Attitude of Dancers (9/10) – The girls here are about as friendly as you'll ever find in a club. Given the dance setup and the quality of girls, I'm guessing that most of the customers come here for the conversation more than anything else, and these dancers are nice enough to make that possible.
Value (5/10) – There isn't a cover charge (or at least there hasn't been while I've been there), beers are $4, and dances are $20. If you get one of the better dancers, $20 isn't a terrible value. I haven't seen much stage action, but that's probably a good thing.
Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There are two small benches in a corner of the main area of the club where they give the dances. Most of the people at the bar can't see you, but management does have a decent view from the one end of the bar, and anyone at the stage can watch.
Club Setup (3/10) – There's a small bar, a decent but barely used stage, and a big open room with a few shitty tables scattered around. They also have two pool tables by the bar, but I haven't seen anyone using them.
Club Atmosphere (4/10) – If you're looking for a dive bar to have a drink and joke around with the dancers and bartender, it's pretty solid. Honestly, I have no idea why I enjoyed it here, but I did, so I'll give it a decent score. Just don't expect a traditional strip club vibe, because it doesn't have that.
Club Accessibility (1/5) – This club is in the middle of nowhere, but I do like the somewhat unique location right beside the Housatonic River.
Overall – I actually have a soft spot for this place as a dive bar, but if you're hoping to see attractive topless women, you'll have to go somewhere else.
RAW SCORE = 39.5
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Keepers (Milford, CT)
Quality of dances (11/20) – The dances here are aggressive and moderate 2-way contact is encouraged, but the lack of privacy prevents anyone from doing too much. Still, you'll get a decent grind and don't have to keep your hands at your sides. Just how much your hands can move from your sides tends to vary a lot from one girl to the next, though I've yet to come across any complete prudes.
Quality of dancers (8/10) – This place has some of the finest girls that New England has to offer. I haven't been here all that often, but when I have been, I've see girls ranging from 5s to 9s, with a lot more towards the top of that range than the bottom of it.
Number of Dancers (4.5/10) – There aren't enough girls on the day shift, but at night, I've always found a solid number of dancers and a very favorable dancer-to-customer ratio.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) - It's rare for any club to get a perfect score in any of these categories, but Keepers almost earned one during my first visit with black, white, Latina, Asian, and Indian dancers. Unfortunately, the racial variety hasn't been quite as good during subsequent visits, but it's still fairly solid. And if the rainbow of dancers isn't enough variety for you, the bodies range from extremely fit to pleasantly plump, so you should be set.
Attitude of dancers (2/10) – This score might be a little unfair because the majority of girls have been fairly friendly, but there's been some hustling and miscounting of dances, so the whole club has to suffer for that. Until management deals with the miscounting, customers need to demand that the girls wait for a new song to start a dance (which is always a good idea unless the girl specifically says in advance that she isn't charging for the first one), and count to the dancer after each song.
Value (5/10) – I paid a $5 cover on a Friday night, the dances are $20, and beers are $4 each. That's just about as average as you can get.
Dance Setup (2/10) – The dance room is separate from the main area of the club, but there is no privacy within the dance area. Everyone has their own reasonably comfortable chair, but there are no barriers between them, and I even heard one dancer yelling at another girl for doing things that they weren't allowed to do in there. Sadly, my dancer wasn't the one getting yelled at so I'm not sure what exactly that dancer was up to, but it sounded like someone was having some fun.
Club Setup (6/10) – There's a large stage inside the bar with channels for the bar tenders to walk around and serve drinks (it's very similar to the stage at Mardi Gras in Springfield). It seems like a deathtrap for the girls, but it's nice for customers who enjoy watching the stage action but who get self-conscious at a normal stage. There's a second huge bar, though it may be reserved for special events because it wasn't open when I was there. There are also a few tables and pool tables away from the bar, but almost everyone stays at the bar/stage.
Club Atmosphere (6/10) – There was a relaxed vibe in here and it seems like a place that would be a lot of fun whether you're flying solo or with a group of guys.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – The location in a strip mall is very unusual, but it's close to 95 and does have plenty of parking. If you're worried about being spotted walking into a titty bar by your neighbors who are getting their nails done or are shopping at the hose supply store, you may want to avoid this place during the day. Luckily for the less shameless of us, the club seems to be the only business in the strip mall that's open at night.
Overall – I loves variety, and this place has it. Everything else is solid, and solid is enough to keep me coming back to see some of the only Asian and Indian dancers in the state.
TOTAL SCORE = 51
LAST UPDATED: July, 2010
Quality of dancers (8/10) – This place has some of the finest girls that New England has to offer. I haven't been here all that often, but when I have been, I've see girls ranging from 5s to 9s, with a lot more towards the top of that range than the bottom of it.
Number of Dancers (4.5/10) – There aren't enough girls on the day shift, but at night, I've always found a solid number of dancers and a very favorable dancer-to-customer ratio.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) - It's rare for any club to get a perfect score in any of these categories, but Keepers almost earned one during my first visit with black, white, Latina, Asian, and Indian dancers. Unfortunately, the racial variety hasn't been quite as good during subsequent visits, but it's still fairly solid. And if the rainbow of dancers isn't enough variety for you, the bodies range from extremely fit to pleasantly plump, so you should be set.
Attitude of dancers (2/10) – This score might be a little unfair because the majority of girls have been fairly friendly, but there's been some hustling and miscounting of dances, so the whole club has to suffer for that. Until management deals with the miscounting, customers need to demand that the girls wait for a new song to start a dance (which is always a good idea unless the girl specifically says in advance that she isn't charging for the first one), and count to the dancer after each song.
Value (5/10) – I paid a $5 cover on a Friday night, the dances are $20, and beers are $4 each. That's just about as average as you can get.
Dance Setup (2/10) – The dance room is separate from the main area of the club, but there is no privacy within the dance area. Everyone has their own reasonably comfortable chair, but there are no barriers between them, and I even heard one dancer yelling at another girl for doing things that they weren't allowed to do in there. Sadly, my dancer wasn't the one getting yelled at so I'm not sure what exactly that dancer was up to, but it sounded like someone was having some fun.
Club Setup (6/10) – There's a large stage inside the bar with channels for the bar tenders to walk around and serve drinks (it's very similar to the stage at Mardi Gras in Springfield). It seems like a deathtrap for the girls, but it's nice for customers who enjoy watching the stage action but who get self-conscious at a normal stage. There's a second huge bar, though it may be reserved for special events because it wasn't open when I was there. There are also a few tables and pool tables away from the bar, but almost everyone stays at the bar/stage.
Club Atmosphere (6/10) – There was a relaxed vibe in here and it seems like a place that would be a lot of fun whether you're flying solo or with a group of guys.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – The location in a strip mall is very unusual, but it's close to 95 and does have plenty of parking. If you're worried about being spotted walking into a titty bar by your neighbors who are getting their nails done or are shopping at the hose supply store, you may want to avoid this place during the day. Luckily for the less shameless of us, the club seems to be the only business in the strip mall that's open at night.
Overall – I loves variety, and this place has it. Everything else is solid, and solid is enough to keep me coming back to see some of the only Asian and Indian dancers in the state.
TOTAL SCORE = 51
LAST UPDATED: July, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Peter's Spotlight Entertainer: Shelby (Hurricane Betty’s)
Readers/lovers of Peter Tips,
It is with great excitement that I unveil the newest treat from your favorite blog: Peter’s Spotlight Entertainer, where I will interview New England’s finest entertainers and post those interviews for your reading pleasure. I believe in showcasing not only the physical beauty of my muses, but also their emotional and intellectual depth, and I'm confident that these women will impress as much with their prose as they do on the pole.
The first installment highlights Shelby, a snarky spitfire from Worcester’s Hurricane Betty’s with a foul mouth, sharp wit and killer body. Join me for my sit-down with this North Shore native as she hates on Nickelback, confesses her love for late-night sci-fi and reveals what not to say during a three-way lap dance.
[Note to all dancers: my calendar is filling up quickly, so if you’d like to be considered as a spotlight entertainer, please e-mail me ASAP at stripperpoll@gmail.com]
PETER: First things first, tell us about your history as a dancer: where you’ve worked and for how long.
SHELBY: [Editor’s note: due to an equipment malfunction, this answer has been paraphrased]. I’ve been dancing since 2005. I started at Centerfold’s 2000 in Worcester, spent about a year there, then danced a little bit in LA, moved back East and spent some time at Mario’s and Cabaret. I really bounced around a lot until I came to Hurricane Betty’s a few years ago and I’ve been here ever since.
PETER: When you’re working, do you have a favorite type of music to dance to, like R&B, hip-hop, rock?
SHELBY: I try really hard to mix up my choice of music and not dance to any particular genre. My musical choices are really eclectic. You know what it is? I like to dance to shit that no one has heard at a strip club, and I hear it all the time, like “Oh, are you dancing to the Darkness?” People get psyched, people get jazzed, because they never hear that. Or [read more...]
PETER: Do you have any sort of signature dance move when you’re on stage? Something that’s unique to you?
SHELBY: I guess the only thing that I exclusively do is usually…actually, every night except for tonight, I always wear a studded belt, you probably remember this, and I keep it on when I get nude, so it’s just me and the belt and the shoes. And what I do is I put my hands in the belt behind me in sort of a, you know, bondage… [read more...]
PETER: Okay, here’s the question that the readers really want answered. What makes for a great customer?
SHELBY: Some of my favorite regulars – I can only say what I like about a regular – because I have a lot of regulars, but there are ones that I really remember, I look forward to them coming in…when they come in, my eyes light up. Just as people, I really like to dance for them, and that’s if like, they sit down, and you can tell that they enjoy it, but they don’t try to touch. Maybe after three or four [read more...]
PETER: Equally important, what makes for a terrible customer?
SHELBY: Well, I think the most terrible thing a customer can do is insult you. Like picking something about you and criticizing it, especially if they got a dance from you. They get a dance and you say: Oh, how was it? “Well, it was okay, but…” and then they have some, like you’ve asked them for a thumbs-up or something, they have some point to critique you on.
PETER: How often does that happen?
SHELBY: It happens a lot, but I’ve been dancing for five years. So, thank you, it was nice doing business with you and perhaps, maybe you’ll enjoy a dance later in the evening. I’m 29, I’m not gonna [read more...]
PETER: How often do you get hit on at work?
SHELBY: How often do guys want to make me their girlfriend? All the time, for real, and it’s not arrogant, because I’m a really modest and humble person, even like, over the top, too much. And I will say, all the time, every night, and it happens to everyone, that’s the thing. It’s not unusual. I don’t know why, I don’t know why they do that.
PETER: Is it shocking in some situations who’s doing it? Or is it, like, a young 19 or 20 year old guy who’s like “Yeah, I’m gonna go home with a dancer.”
SHELBY: No. That’s the funny thing. It’s not exclusive to any age group or ethnicity. I mean, it’s more strong in say, like the Brazilian community, because I guess like down in Brazil, that’s copacetic. So you get it a lot from them, but you can get it from a nice sweet little 18-year old that is just genuinely wanting to hang out with you. Or, you know, you get it from guys who are 50 or 60 years old, but I guess cast your nets, do your thing. Who knows what you’ll pull back, right?
PETER: What’s the worst pickup line you’ve heard from a customer? And what’s the best?
SHELBY: The worst? I ask a guy if he wants a private dance and he says: “No, I don’t. I wanna take you home and introduce you to my mother. I wanna bring you out to a nice dinner. Why would I spend money on a dance when I can buy you a lobstah dinner?” I’m not making this up, as though I can deposit a lobstah dinner into the bank and pay my electric bill with it. [read more...]
PETER: Okay, what’s the best way for a customer to not rudely say no to a dance?
SHELBY: Well, they should decide why they’re saying no. Some good excuses would be – well, not excuses – some realities: I’m married, I told my wife I wouldn’t get any dances, you’re beautiful. That’s a good one. I love, this is my favorite: “I really don’t have any money. I’ve been here for a couple of hours, I’m gonna get going, I [read more...]
PETER: Windpants in clubs: the ultimate in comfort for him and her, or just plain creepy?
SHELBY: So, there is something to be said for wearing a normal pair of pants in that you’re gonna get a normal dance. If you wear shorts, with your business potentially peeking out of it, I’m not gonna touch you at all, I’m gonna hover. [read more...]
PETER: What’s the weirdest/creepiest thing a guy has said to you in a club?
SHELBY: There are times in a club when guys say something that, you can’t…you have to be careful what you say, especially when you say something shady. So I’ve heard guys say stuff about kids before…children. And you hear it through the grapevine and you’re always like [grossed out sound]. My best friend that I’ve been friends with for 20 years –I worked with her up until recently – and we were here, and we always [read more...]
PETER: What’s your favorite strip club story, besides the one you just told.
SHELBY: All time from a strip club? It’s already on YouTube. A girl who works here recorded it; you can look it up, it’s me. So I won’t tell you that, ‘cause it’s like, redundant. Favorite story? I don’t know; can I come back to it? [Shelby didn’t come back to this question; Peter will update the interview next time he sees her.]
PETER: Have you ever gotten a much larger tip than you expected?
SHELBY: Well, it’s all tips, so it’s hard to say that I’ve ever gotten…there’s making more than you expected. Like when you take a guy in the champagne room and you just kill it. You don’t even mean to, but it just snowballed into like [Peter edited out this number, but suffice it to say that it was a big score, in four digits], that’s [read more...]
PETER: Alright, let’s talk about Shelby now. How do you unwind after work?
SHELBY: Every night when I get home, I get home about 3:30 in the morning ‘cause I live 70 miles away. So I get home at 3:30 in the morning and it’s pretty much, I’m a very habitual person, I eat a bowl of ice cream, Brigham’s ice cream, and I watch sci-fi, every night after work.
PETER: Like the Sci-Fi channel?
SHELBY: Yeah, like Iguanadon fights Tyrannosaur. I love it. So that’s how I unwind; I like watching really over-the-top, lame sci-fi movies after work. And then I just go to bed, ‘cause I’m exhausted. Just day-to-day, I’m really boring. I really lead two lives, you know what I mean. I live on the ocean, so I go to the beach every day, I play with my kid, I play Scrabble, I read, I have pets, so I take care of them. That’s it…really nerdy stuff.
PETER: What’s your favorite book?
SHELBY: Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. [Peter tried to launch into an intellectual discussion here, but despite being an educated man, he couldn’t keep up with Shelby, so he cut that section of the interview.]
PETER: Favorite drink?
SHELBY: My favorite cocktail is probably an espresso martini, made with real espresso. There’s only a few places that really make them well and this place isn’t one of them; they don’t have an espresso machine. But I don’t really drink here. If I drink here, I’ll have like a shot of Sambuca or a glass of Bailey’s on ice. Just like, if I drink, it’s cause I’m bored and I’m sitting with a gentlemen that I enjoy his company and I have time to kill.
PETER: How often does that happen, you enjoying people’s company in here?
SHELBY: All the time. You see the worst in people, but as much as you see the worst, you definitely see the best, and I love talking to people; that’s why I’m still in this business.
PETER: How do you, and other dancers, keep yourselves in such great shape?
SHELBY: Take a look around at any strip club, and especially Hurricane Betty’s. The variation and the selection of body types at this place and at a lot of places, you have every girl, there are girls that are super skinny, girls that are real heavy, girls that are super athletic, girls that are just naturally slim. I, personally, stay really [read more...]
PETER: What’s the one day of the year you don’t want to work?
SHELBY: I guess the day that I don’t really…okay, say I was supposed to work on my kid’s birthday, clearly that would be a dealbreaker; I would not work on my kid’s birthday. After last year, I don’t think I’ll work a St. Patrick’s Day again. St. Patrick’s Day was a shitshow in this place. Plus, I have fun on St. Patty’s Day, ‘cause I never go out and I rarely drink, so it’s fun for me to do that, like that one day a year.
PETER: When you do go out, what types of things do you like to do?
SHELBY: I’ll go out when, like, the Sox are playing. I’ll go see games at a local bar. So mostly I’ll go see sports or, you know, I go out on holidays, but I don’t really go to nightclubs. I mean, I’ve worked in the service industry, in nightclubs and strip clubs, for 11 years now. I get paid to dance and unfortunately, when I’m not getting paid, there’s so many other things that I want to do, you know what I [read more...]
PETER: Okay, last question before we let you go. What’s the best thing about Hurricane Betty’s, besides you?
SHELBY: This is kind of like a Miss America question. Miss Naked America. I genuinely do like Hurricane Betty’s, so I’m a good person to answer that. The best thing about working here for me, and what makes me come back even when you just have shit months, okay, is that there is a real camaraderie among the girls. There’s a lot of [read more...]
PETER: I lied, I’ve got one more. Who’s your favorite Boston athlete?
SHELBY: Mike Lowell, the silver fox, obviously.
PETER: Thanks so much, Shelby. And congratulations on being Peter’s first featured dancer.
It is with great excitement that I unveil the newest treat from your favorite blog: Peter’s Spotlight Entertainer, where I will interview New England’s finest entertainers and post those interviews for your reading pleasure. I believe in showcasing not only the physical beauty of my muses, but also their emotional and intellectual depth, and I'm confident that these women will impress as much with their prose as they do on the pole.
The first installment highlights Shelby, a snarky spitfire from Worcester’s Hurricane Betty’s with a foul mouth, sharp wit and killer body. Join me for my sit-down with this North Shore native as she hates on Nickelback, confesses her love for late-night sci-fi and reveals what not to say during a three-way lap dance.
[Note to all dancers: my calendar is filling up quickly, so if you’d like to be considered as a spotlight entertainer, please e-mail me ASAP at stripperpoll@gmail.com]
PETER: First things first, tell us about your history as a dancer: where you’ve worked and for how long.
SHELBY: [Editor’s note: due to an equipment malfunction, this answer has been paraphrased]. I’ve been dancing since 2005. I started at Centerfold’s 2000 in Worcester, spent about a year there, then danced a little bit in LA, moved back East and spent some time at Mario’s and Cabaret. I really bounced around a lot until I came to Hurricane Betty’s a few years ago and I’ve been here ever since.
PETER: When you’re working, do you have a favorite type of music to dance to, like R&B, hip-hop, rock?
SHELBY: I try really hard to mix up my choice of music and not dance to any particular genre. My musical choices are really eclectic. You know what it is? I like to dance to shit that no one has heard at a strip club, and I hear it all the time, like “Oh, are you dancing to the Darkness?” People get psyched, people get jazzed, because they never hear that. Or [read more...]
PETER: Do you have any sort of signature dance move when you’re on stage? Something that’s unique to you?
SHELBY: I guess the only thing that I exclusively do is usually…actually, every night except for tonight, I always wear a studded belt, you probably remember this, and I keep it on when I get nude, so it’s just me and the belt and the shoes. And what I do is I put my hands in the belt behind me in sort of a, you know, bondage… [read more...]
PETER: Okay, here’s the question that the readers really want answered. What makes for a great customer?
SHELBY: Some of my favorite regulars – I can only say what I like about a regular – because I have a lot of regulars, but there are ones that I really remember, I look forward to them coming in…when they come in, my eyes light up. Just as people, I really like to dance for them, and that’s if like, they sit down, and you can tell that they enjoy it, but they don’t try to touch. Maybe after three or four [read more...]
PETER: Equally important, what makes for a terrible customer?
SHELBY: Well, I think the most terrible thing a customer can do is insult you. Like picking something about you and criticizing it, especially if they got a dance from you. They get a dance and you say: Oh, how was it? “Well, it was okay, but…” and then they have some, like you’ve asked them for a thumbs-up or something, they have some point to critique you on.
PETER: How often does that happen?
SHELBY: It happens a lot, but I’ve been dancing for five years. So, thank you, it was nice doing business with you and perhaps, maybe you’ll enjoy a dance later in the evening. I’m 29, I’m not gonna [read more...]
PETER: How often do you get hit on at work?
SHELBY: How often do guys want to make me their girlfriend? All the time, for real, and it’s not arrogant, because I’m a really modest and humble person, even like, over the top, too much. And I will say, all the time, every night, and it happens to everyone, that’s the thing. It’s not unusual. I don’t know why, I don’t know why they do that.
PETER: Is it shocking in some situations who’s doing it? Or is it, like, a young 19 or 20 year old guy who’s like “Yeah, I’m gonna go home with a dancer.”
SHELBY: No. That’s the funny thing. It’s not exclusive to any age group or ethnicity. I mean, it’s more strong in say, like the Brazilian community, because I guess like down in Brazil, that’s copacetic. So you get it a lot from them, but you can get it from a nice sweet little 18-year old that is just genuinely wanting to hang out with you. Or, you know, you get it from guys who are 50 or 60 years old, but I guess cast your nets, do your thing. Who knows what you’ll pull back, right?
PETER: What’s the worst pickup line you’ve heard from a customer? And what’s the best?
SHELBY: The worst? I ask a guy if he wants a private dance and he says: “No, I don’t. I wanna take you home and introduce you to my mother. I wanna bring you out to a nice dinner. Why would I spend money on a dance when I can buy you a lobstah dinner?” I’m not making this up, as though I can deposit a lobstah dinner into the bank and pay my electric bill with it. [read more...]
PETER: Okay, what’s the best way for a customer to not rudely say no to a dance?
SHELBY: Well, they should decide why they’re saying no. Some good excuses would be – well, not excuses – some realities: I’m married, I told my wife I wouldn’t get any dances, you’re beautiful. That’s a good one. I love, this is my favorite: “I really don’t have any money. I’ve been here for a couple of hours, I’m gonna get going, I [read more...]
PETER: Windpants in clubs: the ultimate in comfort for him and her, or just plain creepy?
SHELBY: So, there is something to be said for wearing a normal pair of pants in that you’re gonna get a normal dance. If you wear shorts, with your business potentially peeking out of it, I’m not gonna touch you at all, I’m gonna hover. [read more...]
PETER: What’s the weirdest/creepiest thing a guy has said to you in a club?
SHELBY: There are times in a club when guys say something that, you can’t…you have to be careful what you say, especially when you say something shady. So I’ve heard guys say stuff about kids before…children. And you hear it through the grapevine and you’re always like [grossed out sound]. My best friend that I’ve been friends with for 20 years –I worked with her up until recently – and we were here, and we always [read more...]
PETER: What’s your favorite strip club story, besides the one you just told.
SHELBY: All time from a strip club? It’s already on YouTube. A girl who works here recorded it; you can look it up, it’s me. So I won’t tell you that, ‘cause it’s like, redundant. Favorite story? I don’t know; can I come back to it? [Shelby didn’t come back to this question; Peter will update the interview next time he sees her.]
PETER: Have you ever gotten a much larger tip than you expected?
SHELBY: Well, it’s all tips, so it’s hard to say that I’ve ever gotten…there’s making more than you expected. Like when you take a guy in the champagne room and you just kill it. You don’t even mean to, but it just snowballed into like [Peter edited out this number, but suffice it to say that it was a big score, in four digits], that’s [read more...]
PETER: Alright, let’s talk about Shelby now. How do you unwind after work?
SHELBY: Every night when I get home, I get home about 3:30 in the morning ‘cause I live 70 miles away. So I get home at 3:30 in the morning and it’s pretty much, I’m a very habitual person, I eat a bowl of ice cream, Brigham’s ice cream, and I watch sci-fi, every night after work.
PETER: Like the Sci-Fi channel?
SHELBY: Yeah, like Iguanadon fights Tyrannosaur. I love it. So that’s how I unwind; I like watching really over-the-top, lame sci-fi movies after work. And then I just go to bed, ‘cause I’m exhausted. Just day-to-day, I’m really boring. I really lead two lives, you know what I mean. I live on the ocean, so I go to the beach every day, I play with my kid, I play Scrabble, I read, I have pets, so I take care of them. That’s it…really nerdy stuff.
PETER: What’s your favorite book?
SHELBY: Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. [Peter tried to launch into an intellectual discussion here, but despite being an educated man, he couldn’t keep up with Shelby, so he cut that section of the interview.]
PETER: Favorite drink?
SHELBY: My favorite cocktail is probably an espresso martini, made with real espresso. There’s only a few places that really make them well and this place isn’t one of them; they don’t have an espresso machine. But I don’t really drink here. If I drink here, I’ll have like a shot of Sambuca or a glass of Bailey’s on ice. Just like, if I drink, it’s cause I’m bored and I’m sitting with a gentlemen that I enjoy his company and I have time to kill.
PETER: How often does that happen, you enjoying people’s company in here?
SHELBY: All the time. You see the worst in people, but as much as you see the worst, you definitely see the best, and I love talking to people; that’s why I’m still in this business.
PETER: How do you, and other dancers, keep yourselves in such great shape?
SHELBY: Take a look around at any strip club, and especially Hurricane Betty’s. The variation and the selection of body types at this place and at a lot of places, you have every girl, there are girls that are super skinny, girls that are real heavy, girls that are super athletic, girls that are just naturally slim. I, personally, stay really [read more...]
PETER: What’s the one day of the year you don’t want to work?
SHELBY: I guess the day that I don’t really…okay, say I was supposed to work on my kid’s birthday, clearly that would be a dealbreaker; I would not work on my kid’s birthday. After last year, I don’t think I’ll work a St. Patrick’s Day again. St. Patrick’s Day was a shitshow in this place. Plus, I have fun on St. Patty’s Day, ‘cause I never go out and I rarely drink, so it’s fun for me to do that, like that one day a year.
PETER: When you do go out, what types of things do you like to do?
SHELBY: I’ll go out when, like, the Sox are playing. I’ll go see games at a local bar. So mostly I’ll go see sports or, you know, I go out on holidays, but I don’t really go to nightclubs. I mean, I’ve worked in the service industry, in nightclubs and strip clubs, for 11 years now. I get paid to dance and unfortunately, when I’m not getting paid, there’s so many other things that I want to do, you know what I [read more...]
PETER: Okay, last question before we let you go. What’s the best thing about Hurricane Betty’s, besides you?
SHELBY: This is kind of like a Miss America question. Miss Naked America. I genuinely do like Hurricane Betty’s, so I’m a good person to answer that. The best thing about working here for me, and what makes me come back even when you just have shit months, okay, is that there is a real camaraderie among the girls. There’s a lot of [read more...]
PETER: I lied, I’ve got one more. Who’s your favorite Boston athlete?
SHELBY: Mike Lowell, the silver fox, obviously.
PETER: Thanks so much, Shelby. And congratulations on being Peter’s first featured dancer.
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