Quality of Dances (14/20) – There's some variation from girl to girl, but you'll almost always get at least a solid grind and some skilled knee action, and most of the girls allow varying degrees of 2-way contact. Several of the girls will position their boobs on your face and it isn't uncommon for them to encourage you to take a handfull. Some of the girls give some over-the-pants hand action, and though extras are not available, there are girls who will gladly do everything in their power to leave the customer feeling satisfied.
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – The girls here are fairly attractive overall. I've seen a few older ladies once or twice each, but the regular dancers are almost all in their 20's or early 30's and look good. The majority of ladies are all natural and even most of the enhanced ladies have fairly convincing boob jobs.
Number of Dancers (4/10) – I've found a solid dancer-to-customer ratio during off-peak hours, but that's been more due to a lack of customers than it has been due to an abundance of dancers. The ratio goes down when it gets busier, but there are still usually plenty of ladies to prevent anyone from waiting too long for some attention. And even when they have plenty of girls working, they almost always only have one girl working the stage at a time.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3.5/5) – Centerfolds has mostly white dancers with a fair number of Puerto Ricans and Brazilians and the occasional Asian mixed in. There are unfortunately almost never any black ladies, but there's enough other variety to prevent that from being too big of a problem.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – The girls here are very friendly and good to talk to, and they all seem to be genuinely grateful for tips. Some of the girls can get a little clingy if you visit often (especially one of the Russians), but my biggest complaint is that a lot of the girls focus on the regulars at the expense of visitors. Still, that isn't usually a major problem unless they're busy.
Value (6/10) – The $5-8 cover and $5.25 bottled beers are about average, and the topless stage action is adequate, though nothing special. Lap dances are the standard $20, but at least here they're good enough that you feel like you're getting something for your money. Even when the girls make real efforts to get the job done, I haven't found any of them requesting any extra cash.
Dance Setup (0.5/10) – Dances are given in a bright area in the back of the club where several fairly uncomfortable chairs are lined up next to each other. There are no dividers between most of the chairs and people could see you from the stage, but you're at least somewhat obscured from the bar and the bouncers rarely check up on you. The two slightly better seats in the back right corner go quickly, so you may want to wait until one is available before requesting a dance.
Club Setup (3.5/10) – This is a fairly nice club with a large bar and a fairly large stage, but it's way too bright and there aren't any tables to sit at. There's a second stage between the bar and the dance area, but it's never in use, even when the club is packed.
Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – Centerfolds is a decent place to hang out for a while and have a few beers, and the fact that most of the bartendresses look and dress like dancers doesn't hurt the situation at all. Having tables would make it much better for groups, but it's still easy to have a good time here.
Club Accessibility (2/5) – Centerfolds is along a fairly empty stretch of the Berlin Turnpike south of New Britain. It about halfway between Hartford and New Haven, so you don't have any choice but to drive to get here. My biggest problem with the location is that there's really no discreet way to get inside the club. You can park your car behind the building, but you'll have to walk in the well lit entrance that's in clear view of anyone who happens to be driving by on the Berlin Turnpike.
Overall - Centerfolds isn't great at anything, but it's an all-around solid club that's near the top of my Connecticut rotation. The only other club within 20 minutes of here that's worth considering is the Key Club in New Haven, but I definitely like Centerfolds more. The dances are comparable, but the girls are hotter here and the overall vibe is a lot better.
TOTAL SCORE = 53
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Deja Vu Showgirls (Cincinnati, OH)
Quality of Dances (3/20) - These dances aren't bad by Ohio standards, but dances are generally a waste of time throughout the state and the Deja Vu is not the exception to the rule. The dancers make some limited contact with customers if they keep their tops on or give topless airdances, but either experience is wholly unsatisfying.
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – The ladies had better be attractive, because there isn’t a whole lot else to draw customers to an alcohol-free club with shitty lap dances. Luckily, these ladies are well above average., thought I found most of them to be cute in a girl-next-door way more than hot in an I’m-willing-to-hang-out-in-this-drinkless-club way.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – I’ve only been here once, so you may want to take this score with a grain of salt, but there were more than enough ladies working during my visit. The half-dozen dancers outnumbered the customers when I arrived in the late afternoon, and the number of dancers increased appropriately as time went by. I’m not sure whether that was a good thing or not, since it really just sped up the “wannadance?” rotation, but there were at least plenty of ladies to look at.
Variety of Dancers (0.5/5) – Every girl that I saw at Déjà Vu Cincinnati could have easily passed for being the sister of any other girl in the place. Young, white and within 15 pounds of their ideal weight isn’t a bad thing by any means and you should be thrilled if that look is in your wheelhouse, but you’re out of luck if you’re tastes run a little more exotic.
Attitudes (2/10) – It’s always frustrating when the first and only words out of a dancer’s mouth are, “want a dance?” On a busy night, though, I understand that they can’t afford to waste time with a nonspender when there are so many other wallets in the building. Of course, a lot of the guys who don’t “wannadance” might have proven to be big spenders if the girl had invested some time in chatting them up, but I at least can see where the girls are coming from. But when the club is dead and the only alternative to cultivating business is sitting and chatting with other dancers and the dj, there’s really no excuse for that. Sadly, that’s what happened over and over again during my visit.
Value (8.5/10) – It’s hard to beat a $10 cover that gets you free sodas and a view of the nude stage action (well, at least nude until midnight, thanks to politicians with seriously misplaced priorities). The pole work isn’t as impressive as at the other Déjà Vu locations I’ve visited (Vegas, Lexington and several in California), but it still isn’t too bad. The dances are a waste of time at any price, but at least it won’t be a costly mistake at two for $25 or 15 minutes of VIP dances for $75.
Club Setup (4/10) – After walking down a long hallway at the entrance, you’ll reach a small shitty room with a shitty stage filling half of it. This isn’t the main room, but it’s odd that it’s the first part of the club that you see. Thankfully, the room off to the right is much nicer, with mirrored walls, a nice juice bar and a lot of small tables with plenty of chairs. This room is also surrounded by the aforementioned lap dance booths, so you can discreetly check out a dancer’s lap dance moves before spending your own cash.
Dance Setup (2/10) – I got my dances in a partially exposed area of the club that’s off to the left when you walk in. There’s a long bench in there with small spaces to separate you from other dance recipients, but there’s nothing to block the view of anyone who is back there or the dj. There are also booths surrounding the main area of the club, but they open right out to the crowd, so the privacy is no better there. One nice touch, though, is the small stage in each of those booths so that the girls can give you a little preview while the previous song plays out.
Atmosphere (2/10) – Unfriendly dancers and a lack of alcohol are always a bad combination, and nothing about this place makes up for that fact. It seems to be safe though, so you at least won’t have to risk life or limb to have a boring time.
Location (2.5/5) – The club is several miles from downtown Cincinnati, but since there’s no alcohol, driving to get there isn’t a problem and they do have plenty of parking.
Overall – Déjà Vu Cincinnati isn't a great club and ordinarily I’d tell you to avoid it, but your options are fairly limited in Ohio, so it could be worth a visit if you’re desperate to see some attractive naked ladies and don’t have the time to drive down to the vastly superior clubs in Lexington, Kentucky. Personally, though, I’d save my cash.
RAW SCORE = 39
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Artemis (Berlin, Germany)
The ladies at Artemis are as fine as any that I've seen. Anywhere. Ever. If it were a strip club, I'd give them a perfect ten out of ten for dancer quality, but this isn't a strip club, and these aren't dancers, so I'll just walk you through the Artemis experience and you can decide for yourself whether it's something you're interested in.
To get there, you can take the train to the Westkreuz stop and walk or you can catch a cab from central Berlin for about 20 Euros. The train is the more cost effective option, but the fact that every minute spent getting here is a minute that you're not balls deep in Eastern European pussy makes for a tough decision.
Once you enter (the building), you go to the reception desk where you pay 80 Euros to the house, then you get a robe and a bracelet with a key on it so that you can lock up your valuables. You'll still have to pay each girl, but the one time €80 fee is all that you give to management unless you want to buy booze at the bar or get a legitimate massage from a dude.
Once you've paid the entry fee, you stop by the little cash lockers where you can lock up your wallet. You don't need to keep any cash on you since each girl will walk you back to the cash locker when you're done with her. After you've left your cash there, you go to the locker room, where you change into your robe (or a towel, if you prefer) and their color coded flip flops, and you lock up your clothes in another locker. There are showers back there too, and you're expected to wash up when you arrive and after each girl. No one monitors that, but have a little courtesy and freshen up.
At this point, you're ready to see the girls. The main area looks like a cross between a strip club and a lounge, with a small stage that is only occasionally in use, a bunch of couches and comfortable chairs, and two round "beds" surrounded by curtains. The beds seem to be mainly used for relaxing, but the curtains do periodically go closed and it doesn't take much imagination to figure out what's going on based on the moans that come from within. There's also a bar in the room where you can get free sodas or juice, and there's a little dining area off to the side. That may sound unnecessary, but the ladies at this place are so attractive that most guys will want to sample several and might need the down time of the restaurant to recover. Along the same lines, there's an area where you can get massages, an exercise room, a swimming pool and a porn theater where you can recharge. You can find girls all around the complex, but the main lounge area has the highest concentration of them. There must have been around 100 girls working on the night that I was there and all but 2 would have rated in the 7-10 range. Just absolutely stunning. Most seemed to be from Eastern Europe with a lot from Bulgaria and Hungary, but there are girls from all over the world in addition to some homegrown Germans. They were mostly white, but there was a nice mix of skin tones, hair colors and body types. Basically, there's enough quality and variety that you shouldn't worry at all about the fact that you have to pay the €80 cover charge before seeing any of the girls. And, if you don't manage to find several girls that you'd like to stick it in at Artemis, the wasted cash will be much less of a concern than figuring out how you're going to tell your mother that you're gay.
The girls aren't shy about approaching customers, but if you have your eye on one in particular, approaching her isn't a problem either. One nice thing is that the prices for basic services are standardized, so you don't have to negotiate and there's no room for confusion even if there is a language barrier. €60 will get you a blowjob with or without a condom and sex with a condom for a half hour, and if you want additional half hours, they'll be another €60 each. That's the minimum price though, so that's what you'll be on the hook for even if you just want a handie or lapdances. If you're looking for something more than that, it can be arranged with many of the girls for an extra fee. A common menu includes an extra €50 to cum in her mouth and an extra €100 for anal, but not every girl will offer that and prices may vary among those who do, so make sure you ask before doing anything if that's what you're looking for.
You'll usually go to a private room with the girl where there are large beds and lots of mirrors, though you can use the aforementioned beds in the lounge if you don't need as much privacy, or the couches in the porn theater if you're an exhibitionist. As for the service itself, I'm sure that it varies from one girl to the next, but they seem to be enthusiastic for the most part. That combined with their model-quality looks can make for a very nice experience. When your time is up, the girl will walk you back to your cash locker so that you can pay her. After that, she's off to the next guy and you head to the showers to, quite literally, wash, rinse and repeat until you're out of money or out of steam.
Basically, in spite of the amazing sights, if you aren't at a point in your life where you're willing to pay for sex, the €80 cover charge at Artemis is too much to spend to torture yourself. If, on the other hand, you're looking to stick it in some beautiful ladies in exchange for cash, it's hard to imagine that you won't thoroughly enjoy the Artemis experience.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Spearmint Rhino (City of Industry, CA)
This club was personally recommended to me by the Strip Club Hound. If you haven't checked out his site yet, make sure that you do, because it's a great read. From the clubs that he's reviewed that I've been to, I can say he's dead on, but his inside perspective as a former club manager is the real reason to visit his site.
Quality of Dances (14/20) – Like at many of the City of Industry clubs, you will get excellent lap dances at the Spearmint Rhino. Full two-way contact is encouraged, and if you’re shy about it, some of the ladies will move your hands to where they know you want them to be. The grinding is decent, especially during the nude dances, but the ladies are very careful to keep a little bit of a tease going to try to sell the VIP dances. Different girls have different limits back there, but your wallet is going to be the biggest limiting factor, because you shouldn’t have a had time finding a girl to give you a good time if you’re willing to give her a few hundred dollars.
Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – The girls at the Rhino are beautiful. As with every Rhino that I’ve been to, there are more implants than I’d like to see, but with faces and bodies like these, I’ll happily overlook that.
Number of Dancers (7.5/10) – You only get the full experience when they do the 2-4-1 parade since a lot of these ladies hang out in the dressing room except when their regulars stop by, but there are still plenty of ladies to keep all of the customers occupied.
Variety of Dancers (3.5/5) – They’ve got white, Latina and Asian dancers and a wide range of ages, but you aren’t going to find many black or thicker dancers at this Spearmint Rhino. Or any Spearmint Rhino, for that matter.
Attitudes (6.5/10) – These ladies are hustlers, but it’s the good kind of hustling where they really seem genuine while pumping up your ego. It was so impressive that I even decided to test them by talking about something that I knew they wouldn't be interested in just to see if they could keep up, and they did with flying colors. If I didn't know any better, I'd have thought these ladies were genuinely interested in how many points Jarome Iginla is going to score for the Calgary Flames this year. Most if not all of the ego boosting is obviously bullshit, but that’s what customer service is all about, and the ladies know that it’s also the best way to empty your wallet. What I really appreciate, though, it that the wallet emptying is done honorably, with very few girls asking for tips after dancers, just about everyone offering to get change for you if you overpay for dances, and one girl even suggesting that we wait for the 2-4-1 that she knew was coming even after I’d agreed to get a dance. That should be a lesson for dancers everywhere – you might get the first hundred faster if you rip off a customer, but you’ll only get that 2nd, 3rd and 4th hundred if you make sure that he feels like his money is spent honestly.
Value (2/10) – The $20 cover is rough, the sodas are a ridiculous $5 each, the waitresses are constantly trying to get you to buy drinks for dancers and the dances are overpriced at $20 for topless and $40 for nude since they’re only about two and a half minutes long. If you want a VIP room, that’s 4 songs for $160 plus whatever you negotiate with the dancer, or you can pay something around $500 for some time in a private room. The dance value is slightly increased if you wait for the frequent specials, but the two-for-ones definitely seemed to have shorter songs, and the dances during the “logo dances” couldn’t have been more than about a minute each. The “logo dances” are supposed to be 4 dances and a t-shirt for $40, but I’m fairly certain that it didn’t last for more than 5 minutes, and who really wants a strip club t-shirt anyway? I mean, if this guy who writes a strip club review blog and travels around the world to visit clubs would be too embarrassed to wear one, how shameless do you have to be to rock a Spearmint Rhino shirt in the real world?
Club Setup (6/10) – The first thing that I noticed about the room was that the framed porn posters around the walls are much more graphic than I’m used to seeing in other Spearmint Rhinos, with some showing cocks and one even having cum dribbling down the girl’s face. Despite that, this is a fairly classy club overall with a fireplace off to the side and a nice, medium sized stage in the center of the room. Even though I’ve only seen one girl dancing at a time, they have two poles and a little leather ottoman up there for the girl to work with. I usually like to see a larger bar than they have here and I’m not a fan of the way that the chairs are lined up in rows to face the stage as if you were at a play, but I guess there’s no reason to have the place set up for hanging out since it’s an alcohol-free club. They know that you’re there to see women, so the whole setup is designed around that. Unfortunately, the stage is so dark that you might not even be sure what you’re looking at half the time.
Dance Setup (3/10) – The topless dance areas are little alcoves off of the back of the main area of the club. There’s no privacy within them, but people in the other room can’t see you, and, since there are a few of those dance areas, you’ll usually be the only one in there unless they’re running a dance special. The nude dance area is a little more private, but you’re going to want to go to the VIP area if you’ve got the cash for it, since they have nice couches back there and curtains that prevent anyone from seeing what you’re up to.
Atmosphere (3.5/10) – There are a lot of states that have the topless-with-alcohol or nude-but-no-alcohol rules for strip clubs, but everywhere else that I’ve been, the better clubs chose the topless option. I don’t know what it is about California that changes the equation, but out here, most of the good clubs are nude but don't serve alchohol. Thankfully, the atmosphere is more similar to Little Darlings in Las Vegas than to the depressing juice bars that I’ve been to in New England, but I still feel like I’m missing half the experience if I’m not sipping a beer or my signature cocktail (as named by the bartendress at the Free Spirit Cafe, a “Peter Tips” is a redbull with a double shot of whiskey – try it, it’s delicious) while ogling titties. The bar across the parking lot is at least some consolation, but since you can’t bring your drinks into the club, it’s still less than ideal.
Lack of booze aside, this place is a little too loud so it can be tough to talk to the girls and it’s a little bit stuffy, but the crowd is decent and you should feel perfectly comfortable spending an hour or two here.
Location (3/5) – The City of Industry isn’t particularly close to anything and there aren’t many hotels in the area, but since you’ll be stone cold sober, it’s not a big deal if you have to drive for a half hour to get home, and these clubs are worth the drive. If it were just the Spearmint Rhino, it might be a tougher decision, but with Synn right down the street and the best Déjà Vu I’ve ever been to just a few minutes away, it’s not bad to make an evening of hitting these clubs.
Overall – The City of Industry Spearmint Rhino is an excellent club regardless of your budget, but it can be amazing if you’re looking for the VIP experience and have the cash to make it happen. That’s a little too rich for me, at least on a regular basis, but I’ll definitely be stopping by any time that I’m in the area. Even if it is only as a warmup to/backup plan for the City of Industry Déjà Vu, which I like even more.
RAW SCORE = 57.5
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Kamal's 21 (Atlanta, GA)
Quality of Dances (7/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next at Kamal's. One girl gave the best dance that I've had in Atlanta, another gave what amounted to little more than an airdance and other girls were all over the spectrum in between. Once nice thing here is that some of the girls offer $20 lap dances as opposed to the usual $10 table dances that you find everywhere else. The girls who offered the lap dances seemed to be the ones who gave the best dances, with full upper body two way contact and plenty of over the pants stick shifting. Unfortunately, it's a relatively small percentage of girls who mention the lap dances, and grindless friction seems to be the much more typical dance style. Still, these are some of the best dances that you'll find at any of the decent black clubs, with only Strokers out in Clarkston having the slight advantage.
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – As long as you aren't expecting Magic City or Onyx quality women, you shouldn't have any major complaints. Most of the ladies would rate around a 7, but there were also several 8s and 9s and one of the hottest dancers I've even seen working the night that I stopped by.
Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – I'm not sure that I believe their claims of having 50+ ladies on the weekends, but they do have a ton of ladies for such a modestly sized club. Of course, by the time things really get going, the room gets packed wall to wall with customers too, so the ratio ends up being merely acceptable. You can't beat it early in the evening though, when they seem to have about two dancers for every customer.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – This is a black club, so don't bother stopping by if black girls don't do anything for you. They have a nice mix of dark skinned and light skinned beauties though, and there's plenty of size variation to keep just about anybody interested. I only saw one white dancer, but I almost wished that she hadn't been there, because it made things a little awkward when she approached me for a dance. She was hot and friendly so I accepted her offer, but it just didn't feel right as the only white guy in the club to be getting a dance from the only white girl in the club. I'm sure everyone who saw me at that moment wondered why I even bothered to come to Kamal's, but I think I dropped enough cash by the end of the night that no one doubted my appreciation for the ebony ladies.
Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) – The ladies at Kamal's are about as friendly as any that I've encountered in Atlanta. It has the feel of a local bar, and the women treat you accordingly. Most of them are happy to sit and chat, and a lot of them even go out of their way to introduce you to other dancers who they think you'd like.
Value (5.5/10) – The $10 cover, $5 beers and $10 table dances are all standard for Atlanta, so the value really depends on whether or not you're planning to make it rain. People shower the girls with stack of cash, but you can manage to have a good time even if you don't have a rapper's budget as long as you don't get too close to the stage, because this place gets crowded enough that no one will notice whether you're spending money as long as you're buying drinks and getting occasional dances.
Dance Setup (0/10) – The tables dances are given right out in the open, and you'll be lucky to even be seated if you're there when it's busy unless you're getting bottle service. Earlier in the evening, you'll get to sit on a bench or a bar stool, but those options are pretty bad too. The "lap dances" are really just table dances with more contact, so the setup is no different, though some of the ladies will make a little extra effort to find a seat for you since you're paying twice as much per song.
Club Setup (3/10) – Kamal's 21 is a fairly small club that's divided into three areas. Off to the right is a bar area that's so bright that it almost looks like a juice bar. There's also a small stage and some stools in there, but it would be my last choice of places to hang out. The main bar area is in the middle and has another fairly small bar and very limited bench seating for bottle service. Finally, off to the left side and down a few steps is a medium sized stage, a few more seats and another tiny bar. It not overly classy and there's not nearly enough seating, but they do about as well as they can given their space constraints. If they did try to pack more seats in, there would be less standing room, and things would feel even more cramped when they're busy.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – This place isn't as glamorous as some of the other clubs in Atlanta, but it has a nice relaxed atmosphere and still can turn into a wild party when they have a special event, which seems to be just about every night. I've never been there for their bitch slap Wednesdays or their baby oil shows, but I assume that both can get pretty crazy. The crowd is almost exclusively black, but I felt perfectly welcome the whole time that I was there and safety wasn't a concern at all. Or, maybe I should say that it wasn't a concern after I saw the security guys at the entrance. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that they were Falcons linebackers trying to pick up some extra cash in their free time, because they were the biggest, most muscular guys I've ever seen.
Club Accessibility (4/5) – There's plenty of parking and it isn't hard to get to from downtown Atlanta or Buckhead, and it's borderline walkable from Onyx. Even if you don't want to make it your primary destination for the evening, the location makes it convenient for a short visit.
Overall – If you only want to go to one black club in Atlanta, you should make it either Magic City or Onyx. They're to black clubs in Atlanta what the Spearmint Rhino is to all clubs in Vegas - mediocre in many ways, but teeming with women so beautiful they have to be seen to be believed. Unlike those places, Kamal's 21 won't be on anyone's strip club bucket list. Having said that, this is the best all-around black club in the city, and with its friendly women, relaxed atmosphere and decent dances, it would probably be my most frequent choice of the black clubs if I lived in Atlanta.
RAW SCORE = 48.5
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – As long as you aren't expecting Magic City or Onyx quality women, you shouldn't have any major complaints. Most of the ladies would rate around a 7, but there were also several 8s and 9s and one of the hottest dancers I've even seen working the night that I stopped by.
Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – I'm not sure that I believe their claims of having 50+ ladies on the weekends, but they do have a ton of ladies for such a modestly sized club. Of course, by the time things really get going, the room gets packed wall to wall with customers too, so the ratio ends up being merely acceptable. You can't beat it early in the evening though, when they seem to have about two dancers for every customer.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – This is a black club, so don't bother stopping by if black girls don't do anything for you. They have a nice mix of dark skinned and light skinned beauties though, and there's plenty of size variation to keep just about anybody interested. I only saw one white dancer, but I almost wished that she hadn't been there, because it made things a little awkward when she approached me for a dance. She was hot and friendly so I accepted her offer, but it just didn't feel right as the only white guy in the club to be getting a dance from the only white girl in the club. I'm sure everyone who saw me at that moment wondered why I even bothered to come to Kamal's, but I think I dropped enough cash by the end of the night that no one doubted my appreciation for the ebony ladies.
Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) – The ladies at Kamal's are about as friendly as any that I've encountered in Atlanta. It has the feel of a local bar, and the women treat you accordingly. Most of them are happy to sit and chat, and a lot of them even go out of their way to introduce you to other dancers who they think you'd like.
Value (5.5/10) – The $10 cover, $5 beers and $10 table dances are all standard for Atlanta, so the value really depends on whether or not you're planning to make it rain. People shower the girls with stack of cash, but you can manage to have a good time even if you don't have a rapper's budget as long as you don't get too close to the stage, because this place gets crowded enough that no one will notice whether you're spending money as long as you're buying drinks and getting occasional dances.
Dance Setup (0/10) – The tables dances are given right out in the open, and you'll be lucky to even be seated if you're there when it's busy unless you're getting bottle service. Earlier in the evening, you'll get to sit on a bench or a bar stool, but those options are pretty bad too. The "lap dances" are really just table dances with more contact, so the setup is no different, though some of the ladies will make a little extra effort to find a seat for you since you're paying twice as much per song.
Club Setup (3/10) – Kamal's 21 is a fairly small club that's divided into three areas. Off to the right is a bar area that's so bright that it almost looks like a juice bar. There's also a small stage and some stools in there, but it would be my last choice of places to hang out. The main bar area is in the middle and has another fairly small bar and very limited bench seating for bottle service. Finally, off to the left side and down a few steps is a medium sized stage, a few more seats and another tiny bar. It not overly classy and there's not nearly enough seating, but they do about as well as they can given their space constraints. If they did try to pack more seats in, there would be less standing room, and things would feel even more cramped when they're busy.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – This place isn't as glamorous as some of the other clubs in Atlanta, but it has a nice relaxed atmosphere and still can turn into a wild party when they have a special event, which seems to be just about every night. I've never been there for their bitch slap Wednesdays or their baby oil shows, but I assume that both can get pretty crazy. The crowd is almost exclusively black, but I felt perfectly welcome the whole time that I was there and safety wasn't a concern at all. Or, maybe I should say that it wasn't a concern after I saw the security guys at the entrance. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that they were Falcons linebackers trying to pick up some extra cash in their free time, because they were the biggest, most muscular guys I've ever seen.
Club Accessibility (4/5) – There's plenty of parking and it isn't hard to get to from downtown Atlanta or Buckhead, and it's borderline walkable from Onyx. Even if you don't want to make it your primary destination for the evening, the location makes it convenient for a short visit.
Overall – If you only want to go to one black club in Atlanta, you should make it either Magic City or Onyx. They're to black clubs in Atlanta what the Spearmint Rhino is to all clubs in Vegas - mediocre in many ways, but teeming with women so beautiful they have to be seen to be believed. Unlike those places, Kamal's 21 won't be on anyone's strip club bucket list. Having said that, this is the best all-around black club in the city, and with its friendly women, relaxed atmosphere and decent dances, it would probably be my most frequent choice of the black clubs if I lived in Atlanta.
RAW SCORE = 48.5
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Platinum Plus (Columbia, SC)
Quality of Dances (17/20) – These are great lap dances. Breast touching is encouraged and the girls are very active over the pants with their hands. Most of the girls don't grind a whole lot, but the move where they plant their mouth on the crotch of your pants and vibrate more than makes up for that. I don't think that you'll be whipping it out due to the lack of privacy, but wearing loose fitting cargo shorts might not be a terrible decision, particularly when the club is less busy.
Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – There are lots of 7's and 8's and a few who were higher than that, but there were also a few too many ladies who were either too old or a little on the sloppy side. One dancer volunteered that she's 38, and she wasn't even close to being the oldest one there. She actually was pretty hot, but the woman who looked like she could have been the 38 year old's mother... not so much. Still, as long as you aren't uncomfortable shooting down the ladies that you don't like, you should be able to find plenty of ladies worth getting a dance from.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – Platinum Plus is usually packed with ladies whether or not they're busy. Of course, the ratio is a lot better when things are slow, but it's always acceptable. They only have one woman on stage a lot of the time, but with two song sets and not too much repetition, I don't have any problem with that.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – This is mostly a white club, but I saw a few black dancers and had some very enjoyable dances from a Filippina, plus there's more than enough variation in body types to keep most customers interested.
Attitude of Dancers (1/10) – Most of these ladies are initially very friendly and are happy to sit and chat while draped across your lap and maybe doing some occasional stick shifting. One particularly friendly girl was nice enough to ask if I had to answer to anyone that night because there was glitter in her lip gloss and she didn't want to get me into trouble by getting it on my crotch. Unfortunately, the price structure for the dances undoes all of that good will. Because the clubs allows each girl to set her own prices, you have to ask every single girl what her prices are before you get a dance, and, if you don't, most of them will say it's $30 per song. That may not seem like too big of an issue, but it completely kills the mood to have to discuss prices at that point. My biggest complaint, though, is that a lot of the girls can be ridiculouslhy pushy about the champagne room if they get even the slightest hint that you may be interested. I made the mistake of accepting one girl's offer to take me on a tour of the champagne room, then she was on me like a leech until I was forced to tell her to get lost.
Value (6/10) – It's hard to find a better deal if you show up before 8pm or on a Monday, with a $3 cover and $2.50 beers (even cheaper on Monday). The cover goes up to $6 and the beers go up to $4.50 in the evening, but even that isn't bad at all, and the stage value is always fairly solid. The club gives change in $2 bills, so you might end up tipping a little more than you otherwise would, but you usually get a nice, personal show if you sit stage side or stand at the stairs to the stage and wait. Some of the girls even volunteer to tip the other dancers for you (with your money, of course), then slide the bills into their panties so that the girl on stage can come over and give a light lesbian show to pick it up. The dances are where the real variation is, though. Most of the girls offer dances for $25 or 2 for $40, but some of the girls hold firm to their offers of $30 dances. A lot (maybe all) of those girls will come down to 2 for $50 if you ask in advance, but you're at their mercy if you don't ask, and that's never a good position to be in. You can also go for dances in the "red room" for $200 for a half hour, but there's no real privacy back there and you won't get anything that you can't get during the regular dances, so it's not really worth it. The champagne rooms are just ridiculous though, with the price for the room starting at $275 (up to five grand if you want good champagne) and the price for the girls running anywhere from three to five hundred dollars. No matter what you get to do back there, that's a rip off.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – The dance area is out of view of the main club and dances are given on reasonably comfortable bench/couch hybrids. There are arm-height dividers for you to rest your keys and drink, but it isn't enough to keep anyone from seeing what you're up to. Since they have two of these bench areas, it's fairly solid if no more than one other person is getting a dance, but that almost never happens, and, when it's crowded, you'll be right beside somebody and right across from somebody else. The good news about the mirrored walls is that they make it easy to get a good view of what you're grabbing onto. The bad news about them is that they make it easy for anyone else to watch what you're grabbing onto too. They probably have better things to look at though, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.
The champagne room setup is ok, but it's not the apartment that you should be getting for your $275 room fee. It's just a room off of a back corner of the club with few large couces all lined up parallel to each other. The couches are at least big enough that no one can really see what you're up to, particularly if you get the couch in the back.
Club Setup (9.5/10) – I love the setup at this place. There's a stand up bar in the back of the club, a smaller bar in the front and a large projection TV near the stage so that you can try to keep one eye on the game. The club is deliciously dark, allowing girls to get somewhat physical at your table if you sit in one of the corners. The disco ball strobe effects provide the perfect amount of lighting throughout the club, and the bar area is nice and bright so that you can see what you're spending your money on in advance. Most of the club is filled with small tables for 2-4 people, and the chairs can roll around to accomodate groups of varying sizes. The main stage isn't huge, but it's fairly nice with two poles, and there are two small cage-style stages in the back. All of the Plantum Plus clubs have these things and they're great. The "cage" portion of the stage is made by poles that surround it, and the girls use them to perform some unique moves. Even though the club is really just one room, the way that the back area is a few steps up from the half of the club with the stage creates some separation and ensures that everyone has a good view of the stage show. This really is a beautifully designed club.
Club Atmosphere (9/10) – Whether you're coming here for a cheap beer after work or for a wild night out, you'll almost certainly have a good time at Platinum Plus Columbia. The crowd skews a little older than I'm used to, but the music is good (I heard everything from the Beatles to Rick Ross to dubstep playing during my first half hour there) and the vibe is upscale casual. I'm knocking them down from a perfect 10 because the music can be loud to the point that it makes it difficult to chat, but that's my only complaint.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The club is a few miles outside of downtown Columbia and I doubt that there's much in the way of public transportation, but the Embassy Suites is within walking distance and was perfect for me to take advantage of the cheap drinks and still make it safely to bed.
Overall – The girls are attractive, the dances are great and it's just an all-around good time. If they'd just do away with the variable dance prices, it would probably be one of my three favorite clubs in the world. Even with that annoyance, though, it's still a great club and is worth a visit if you're ever anywhere near Columbia.
RAW SCORE = 64
Last Update: June, 2013
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Divas (Lexington, KY)
Quality of Dances (14/20) – These are probably the best lap dances in Lexington. Two way contact is usually encouraged and most of the girls provide a solid grind, especially if you go for the nude dances. I wasn't directly offered any extras, but the enthusiastic over-the-pants mouth bobbing made me assume that they'd be available from at least some of the girls. And when I say "enthusiastic," I really mean it. I even had to force one of the girls to stop because her saliva was starting to soak through my pants.
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – These ladies are a step up from what you'd find at Camelot West, but they're several steps down from what you'd find at most of the other local clubs. You might be more impressed than I was if you're into ink, but, even then, there was only one really hot dancer working while I was there. Other than her, there were a few girls who would come out toward the middle of the civilian scale, but most of these dancers were just plain sloppy.
Number of Dancers (2/10) – I saw around a half dozen dancers working at prime club time on a Saturday night. That would be pretty bad anyway, but since the quality is so low, you're really going to have to be patient if you want the attention of an attractive dancer.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) - Like most other Lexington clubs, there are one or two black dancers mixed in with the primarily white workforce. The real variety comes from the size of the girls, but they don't get much credit for that since the larger girls weren't the good kind of thick. Chubby chasers are in luck though.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – The few girls who don't spend most of their time in the dressing room work the crowd so hard that it can be tough to get away from them. The self-described queen of the place (a large African American dancer who brags about her porn films) is particularly aggressive. She basically won't leave you alone until you either buys some dances or leave. I think the problem may be that they get a lot of cheap customers, so they keep their defences up until you prove that you have a few dollars to spend. A customer shouldn't need to prove themselves in a service establishment, but at least you know that the girl will likely be friendly once you buy a dance if you can deal with the pre-dance attitudes for long enough to get to that point.
Value (6.5/10) – If you're looking to stretch your dollars, Divas is a good place to do it. The cover and beers are a bargain at $5 and $3.75, respectively, and dances are a solid value. I don't think that you can buy a single dance, but the two topless dances will run you $30 and two nude dances go for $50. I rarely pay a premium for nude dances, but it's totally worth it here because it allows you to get an infinitely better dance setup.
Dance Setup (7.5/10) – Since nude dances are reasonably priced, I'm going to base this score on the nude dance setup, which is very solid. You get your own booth with a comfortable couch and a mirror so that you can check out both sides of your dancer, and a curtain ensures that no one else will be able to see what you're up to. If you stick to the topless dances, though, the setup wouldn't deserve more than a point or two. Those dances are given on four shitty couches in a dingy room in the back of the club where there's no privacy from other dancers and dancees, but at least people on the main floor of the club can't see you.
Club Setup (1.5/10) – Divas is not a nice club. There are plenty of small tables and rolly chairs throughout the room and there's a fairly large bar off to the side, but there's a lot of unused space that makes the place feel empty. Plus it's unusually smokey and just generally smells bad. The stage is medium sized and has two poles on it, but only one girl dances at a time except during the bachelor party shows, which are really just an excuse for the dj to act even more obnoxious than usual.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – Divas seems to be relatively safe for such a run down club, but it's a fairly depressing place to hang out. The stage action is mediocre except when a bachelor gets called up for a show, the cashier at the door asks for tips and the waitress just angrily glared at customers the entire time that I was there, but the worst part, by far, is the dj. His constant yapping would have been annoying even in a busy club, but it just seemed pathetic since Divas was dead while I was there. Strip club djs are kind of like referees in that, if you notice them, they're doing something wrong. And this guy made Bennett Salvatore seem inconspicuous.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Divas has plenty of parking and is right down the street from Cowboys and Deja Vu, so there's no need to commit to spending your whole evening there.
Overall – Extras are more likely at Camelot West, but the lap dances at Divas are the most consistently good dances that you'll find in the area. That isn't enough to make up for its other shortcomings, but it does mean that it could be worth keeping in mind if it's starting to get late and you aren't finding the kind of lap dances that you're looking for elsewhere.
RAW SCORE = 42.5
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – These ladies are a step up from what you'd find at Camelot West, but they're several steps down from what you'd find at most of the other local clubs. You might be more impressed than I was if you're into ink, but, even then, there was only one really hot dancer working while I was there. Other than her, there were a few girls who would come out toward the middle of the civilian scale, but most of these dancers were just plain sloppy.
Number of Dancers (2/10) – I saw around a half dozen dancers working at prime club time on a Saturday night. That would be pretty bad anyway, but since the quality is so low, you're really going to have to be patient if you want the attention of an attractive dancer.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) - Like most other Lexington clubs, there are one or two black dancers mixed in with the primarily white workforce. The real variety comes from the size of the girls, but they don't get much credit for that since the larger girls weren't the good kind of thick. Chubby chasers are in luck though.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – The few girls who don't spend most of their time in the dressing room work the crowd so hard that it can be tough to get away from them. The self-described queen of the place (a large African American dancer who brags about her porn films) is particularly aggressive. She basically won't leave you alone until you either buys some dances or leave. I think the problem may be that they get a lot of cheap customers, so they keep their defences up until you prove that you have a few dollars to spend. A customer shouldn't need to prove themselves in a service establishment, but at least you know that the girl will likely be friendly once you buy a dance if you can deal with the pre-dance attitudes for long enough to get to that point.
Value (6.5/10) – If you're looking to stretch your dollars, Divas is a good place to do it. The cover and beers are a bargain at $5 and $3.75, respectively, and dances are a solid value. I don't think that you can buy a single dance, but the two topless dances will run you $30 and two nude dances go for $50. I rarely pay a premium for nude dances, but it's totally worth it here because it allows you to get an infinitely better dance setup.
Dance Setup (7.5/10) – Since nude dances are reasonably priced, I'm going to base this score on the nude dance setup, which is very solid. You get your own booth with a comfortable couch and a mirror so that you can check out both sides of your dancer, and a curtain ensures that no one else will be able to see what you're up to. If you stick to the topless dances, though, the setup wouldn't deserve more than a point or two. Those dances are given on four shitty couches in a dingy room in the back of the club where there's no privacy from other dancers and dancees, but at least people on the main floor of the club can't see you.
Club Setup (1.5/10) – Divas is not a nice club. There are plenty of small tables and rolly chairs throughout the room and there's a fairly large bar off to the side, but there's a lot of unused space that makes the place feel empty. Plus it's unusually smokey and just generally smells bad. The stage is medium sized and has two poles on it, but only one girl dances at a time except during the bachelor party shows, which are really just an excuse for the dj to act even more obnoxious than usual.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – Divas seems to be relatively safe for such a run down club, but it's a fairly depressing place to hang out. The stage action is mediocre except when a bachelor gets called up for a show, the cashier at the door asks for tips and the waitress just angrily glared at customers the entire time that I was there, but the worst part, by far, is the dj. His constant yapping would have been annoying even in a busy club, but it just seemed pathetic since Divas was dead while I was there. Strip club djs are kind of like referees in that, if you notice them, they're doing something wrong. And this guy made Bennett Salvatore seem inconspicuous.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Divas has plenty of parking and is right down the street from Cowboys and Deja Vu, so there's no need to commit to spending your whole evening there.
Overall – Extras are more likely at Camelot West, but the lap dances at Divas are the most consistently good dances that you'll find in the area. That isn't enough to make up for its other shortcomings, but it does mean that it could be worth keeping in mind if it's starting to get late and you aren't finding the kind of lap dances that you're looking for elsewhere.
RAW SCORE = 42.5
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Harry O's (Stamford, CT)
Quality of Dances (19/20) – The dances at Harry O's are among the best that I've ever received. I was careful to tell every approaching lady that I just wanted a regular dance because there's no surer way for a relatively young white guy to draw suspicion at an urban club than to wait for a girl to offer extra services before shooting her down, but I got the feeling that my sense of decency was the only thing holding the action in check. I especially appreciate that most of these ladies have the skill and put in the effort to make things fun even if you're opting for less than the full range of services. My favorite thing about these dances, though, is the way that the ladies deal with the partial song that's playing before your song starts. You stand with your back to a wall outside of the lap dance area and the dancer backs up in front of you, then alternates between a standing grind and some over the pants hand action to get your full attention before the real dance starts
Quality of Dancers (3.5/10) – It's rare to find a club with more variable dancer quality than at Harry O's. During my first visit (afternoon), most of the crew was made up of bronze skinned beauties. During my second visit (night), it was mostly overweight streetwalker types. During my third visit, it started with a decent mix, but the percentage of nasties went up as the night went on. Most of the girls make their money then leave, so the earlier the better if you're hoping to find a girl that anyone else would want to spend money on.
Number of Dancers (4/10) – They've averaged about a half dozen dancers during my visits, with a little more than that in the afternoon and a little less at night. The ratio isn't always great because the place can get packed with customers, but most of them aren't spending money, so it can be easy to get a girl's attention by tipping a few bucks at the stage. And when I say "a few," I mean a very few. For five bucks, you can be a god.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Despite the name and the clover on the wall, Harry O's is not an Irish establishment. They've got Latinas and black girls and more than enough size variation for most men's tastes, but you're shit out of out of luck if you're looking for white meat.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – The pre-dance fluffing is enough to win me over, but even discounting that, these ladies are exceptionally friendly. I don't know how they put up with guys randomly smacking their asses as they walk by without losing their cool, but somehow they do it. My only real complaint is that the constant questions about whether I'm a cop can get old, but the fact that they're asking means that they're up for a party, so I won't complain to much.
Value (3.5/10) – $2.50 happy hour domestics are solid, but $6 beers the rest of the time and $25 dances are steep for a dive like this. The stage value is solid, though, with girls putting on a nice show and being particularly appreciative if you don't think that your buck entitles you to slip in a finger.
Dance Setup (0.5/10) – This isn't the worst dance setup that I've seen, but it's by far the worst that I've seen in a place where the girls give "dances" like this. There're just four shitty chairs facing each other in a small, brightly lit room where you can't help but see what everyone else is up to. The people in the main room can't see you, but there's a mirror positioned so that the bouncer can keep an eye on things. You'd have to be completely shameless to try to go beyond a regular dance, but from what I've caught in my peripheral vision, there's no shortage of shameless guys in this place.
Club Setup (1/10) – Harry O's is a shithole. It smells bad, it's falling apart, and I'm dry heaving just thinking about the red mystery substance that was all over the toilet seat during one of my visits. Why did I even go into the bathroom stall in a place like this you ask? Well, I was going to the urinal, but there's no stall here - just a shitter and a urinal in a room that can't be locked.
As for the rest of the place, it's a small club with a long bar, a pool table in the back and a medium sized horseshoe shaped stage in the main area. The bar fills up quickly and you'll probably think the stage seats are filled when you see guys standing three deep at the front of the stage, but they're just cheap bastards who avoid tipping by not going directly to the rail. So, as long as you're willing to drop a buck or two per song, a seat should always be waiting for you.
Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – If you're ever found yourself sitting at King Arthur's in Chelsea thinking, this place is a little too upscale for my tastes," then Harry O's is the joint for you. The crowd is rough and you'll draw lots of unwanted attention if English is your first language, but here's all that you really need to know: I was checked for a wire. I'm not talking about a I-think-they-were-feeling-for-a-wire-during-that-pat-down situation either. I'm talking about after the pat down when the bouncer made me lift my shirt and spin around. So, yeah. Shadiest. Club. Ever.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – It isn't far from downtown Stamford, but I have to give them a goose egg based on the parking situation. You're going to want to park in their lot since this isn't a great neighborhood, but the lot is comically undersized, so cars park 3 or 4 deep. That means that every five minutes or so, the bouncer announces something like, "black Nissan, ya gotta move. Black Nissan, ya gotta move!" So if you're in the back, you'll have to go out to the lot to let other people leave, and if you're in the front, you'll have to rely on other people to let you out.
Overall – If you're willing to risk the possibility that there won't be an attractive lady in the house and you value quality lap dances more than you value your safety, give it a chance for a daytime visit. If not, Harry O's isn't the place for you.
RAW SCORE = 39.5
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Devil's Point (Portland, OR)
Quality of dances (6/20) – Proving that, contrary to my earlier beliefs, not all dances in Portland are created equal, Devil’s Point lags slightly behind its Rose City peers in this category. I got some one-way contact, but nothing particularly aggressive, and reciprocity was not in the cards. This was definitely the type of dance that focused on the emotional impact of sensual movement, not the physical stimulation produced by a good old-fashioned dirty grind.
Quality of dancers (9/10) – In association with my original review of this club (where I rated the dancers as a perfect 10), I wrote this:
Until March 20th, 2011, I didn’t know that God made women this hot. And keep in mind that I’ve been to every strip club in Montreal and Vegas, and have spent substantial time in New York City. Really, I thought girls like this were reserved for the imagination, sometimes captured in art, but never in reality. They’re aspirational; their images should be on posters, and in movies, and filling your daydreams and fantasies. But they’re not. Well, maybe they are, but they’re also here. In real life. In Portland. In all of their inked, pierced and dyed glory. To give you a visual, this dancer was the third hottest girl working that night (from my perspective, of course; several of my friends had her at #1 with a bullet). Even Pussy Control, notorious for her picky tastes, was sitting with her mouth agape and talking like a dog in heat: “I’ve never said this before, but I would definitely pay these girls to make out with me. I just wanna pay them.”
They are a type, for sure, so if you’re into fake tits, symmetrical haircuts or anyone with a skin tone darker than an undercooked sugar cookie, they may not blow your mind (although I hope you’d still appreciate them). For me, though, they’re as good as it gets. If aliens came to Earth today, and asked us to prove our worth as a society or face extinction, I’d show them two things: an iPad 2 and the Devil’s Point girls.
I’m afraid I have to take a small step back from that original evaluation. My decision is based on a combination of factors. First, I wrote that piece about 12 hours after my first visit to stripparaoke, and I’m sure my head was still spinning from the performance, which was something special, even for a grizzled strip club vet like myself. Second, I now have a larger sample size and the newest additions, while still hot, don’t scrape the stratosphere like their peers. And third, I’ve since been to Union Jack’s (also in Portland), which I think has hotter dancers, so I need to ensure that there’s some scoring separation between the women there and at Devil’s Point.
A couple of closing thoughts before I finish this ludicrously long category. In the end, it doesn’t really matter if these women are 9’s or 10’s, because they’re already so fucking hot that you’re not allowed to ask for anything more unless your name is Leo or Brad. I’m currently working on a theory to describe this concept. It will likely parallel the Chandrasekhar limit for white dwarf stars. More to come next time I knock back a few glasses of wine and can reason out the details.
Lastly, it’s still true that the standard Sunday night cast at Devil’s Point is the finest shift I’ve ever seen. Brody (whose omission from the last review was an oversight of near-unforgiveable breadth), Rocket, Berlin and Piper are the ’27 Yankees of strip club lineups. Management, don’t fuck that shit up.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – This is a very tricky category. Devil’s Point is very small, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to staff the place with a crew of 20+ dancers. However, the crowds they get (as many as 100 people, it seems) suggest that perhaps a larger dancing staff is justified. I don’t really know. On both of my Sunday night visits, the crowd was massive, but the dance crew was limited to the four above-mentioned stunners. It’s clear that working the crowd and giving private dances isn’t the thrust of the business model here, but the rating system is the rating system, so I have no choice but to sting them.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – Plenty of variety in body type here, from Onyx, the rail-thin stunner who looks like Joan Jett wished she could, to Berlin, the fire-haired vixen with curves so perfectly rich that Paula Dean could cook with them. Sadly, as implied above, there is absolutely no ethnic diversity. The color wheel maxes out at tope and everyone is as American as apple pie, even if they don’t want to be.
Attitude of dancers (10/10) – These women enjoy their work so much that you’d think they had a profit-sharing interest in the club. Every single dancer was working her ass off on stage, flirting with the rail and entertaining the crowd to perfection. The customer-to-dancer ratio makes it almost impossible for the girls to personally interact with any meaningful percentage of the customers, but when they did, they were great. The aforementioned Berlin spent her smoke break in front of the club shooting the breeze with whoever was around, even going out of her way to thank a few departing couples for coming in.
Also, the way dancers interacted with staff and with each other really gave the sense that everyone was working together towards a shared goal. That’s so rare to see in a club. Usually, you’ve got a bunch of girls running individual game (or maybe paired hustles) as they fight for their piece of the financial pie. They view dancing as a zero-sum game (get ready for it, game theory nerds) with a fixed amount of money available: if Justice hooks that guy for three dances, that’s money out of Serenity’s pocket.
But that’s not the case at all. The money input is variable, meaning that most people don’t go to a club and say “I’m going to spend X dollars tonight, no matter what.” The more fun they’re having, the longer they’re going to stay, and the more money they will spend. A great club can change the size of the pie. Indeed, on my most recent trip, Devil’s Point did exactly that. I was there with a handful of women who have never spent more than a few bucks at any club, but that night, several of them spent three consecutive hours at the rack tipping dancers. The girls and management at Devil’s Point seem to understand this concept, so everyone goes out of their way to help each other if it means keeping the customers happy.
Value (10/10) – There’s never a cover (except when bands play on Saturday nights) and the pole action is at least equal to the best I’ve ever seen. PBR’s are $2 ($7 for a pitcher), microbrews are $4, and stiff mixed drinks are $5. Also, I swear I saw someone order two Red Bull and vodkas and only get charged $6 (disclaimer: I was very drunk at the time and may have been distracted by the super hot bartender, so no guarantees that this is accurate).
The only downside to the value is the dances, but I’m scoring Devil’s perfect anyway because with the amount of money that you save on booze and the cover, you aren’t gonna care that your $20 doesn’t get you the mileage it would elsewhere.
Dance Setup (6/10) – Dances occur on a partially padded bench in a tiny room that is curtained off from the rest of the club. Only one dance can happen at a time and the curtain is opaque, so nobody is going to see inside unless they really want to, but it’s so small, so close to the rest of the club, and so lacking in comfort, that it really can’t crush this score despite the significant privacy. For readers that frequent this club and have been to Lamplighter II in MA, which I imagine is nobody, consider this a poor man’s version of that setup.
Club Setup (5.5/10) – Devil’s Point is small. Very small. Despite being handcuffed by that limitation, they do well with what they’ve got. Upon walking in, you’re greeted by a 6-stool bar with a TV on one side and a row of video poker machines on the other. On the far side of the club is a small stage with an ~8-foot pole in the center and a chain on each of the two front vertices. The chains are a nice touch, giving the stage a sexy and rugged look while providing the dancers with two extra props on which to work. About ten seats line the stage and a small handful of low-tops and high-tops fill the floor.
[From my original review]
To the far right of the stage and the tables is an outcropping with a pool table and a padded bench along the wall. I’m still undecided about the value of the pool table. On the one hand, pool tables are fucking awesome and every dive bar should probably have one. On the other, this place is seriously lacking seating capacity, and that table is stealing some much needed space for a few more low-tops. I guess I’m currently indifferent. If you own or work at this club and read this review (an unlikely parlay indeed), chime in and sway my opinion.
[My thoughts now]
Since I first visited Devil’s Point, they’ve removed the pool table, and now that I’ve seen the space without it, I couldn’t agree more with the decision. The removal did wonders to open up the club, turning a near-functionless corner into the perfect spot for a large group and providing some refuge for the curious wallflowers amongst the crowd. And without customers milling about with pool cues, a rookie roller girl who drank and smoked too much can pass out in peace while her teammates create a ruckus on the other side of the club.
Club Atmosphere (8/10) – The club has a completely different atmosphere depending on the time. During the dayshift, it’s the definition of a dive bar, with the dim red lighting, cheap beer, and Erotic Photo Hunt machine. It reminds me of my favorite hangouts in Boston, where the sickos go to get rid of the shakes at noon. The only difference I noticed was the music, which was dancer’s choice, making it considerably better and more upbeat than you’d find in a typical dive.
At night, it’s still divey, of course, but gets packed with people of all shapes, sizes and ages. It was pretty great to see 60 year old couples sharing the floor with the local scenesters and other curious yuppies. For the most part, everyone was chill and the d-bag factor was minimal. Also, it was probably the best-looking crowd I’ve ever seen at a strip club, including a large number of hotties who would be the best-looking girl in the room at any number of bars across America (brutally, I managed to strike out with all of them). As I wrote before, the staff goes out of their way to make sure the crowd is having a good time, and there is definitely a drinking/partying feel at night.
I’ve only been there on Sundays for stripparaoke (an idea I was skeptical of, but now think is beyond genius), so I can’t guarantee that it’s the same every day. Nevertheless, I strongly suspect that the place stays hot during the week for two reasons. First, they have different themes for every night (fire-breathing, industry night, 80’s night, etc.), which keeps everything fresh and should draw different crowds. And second, people don’t appear to work in Portland, at least not that much, so they’re free to go out on whatever nights they want.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Devil’s point is located in an off-the-beaten path neighborhood in the southeast quadrant of Portland, not accessible by the MAX, but only about a $20 cab ride from downtown. Normally, this would rate something like a 3.5, but my experiences with Portland cabs necessitate a lower mark. Twice, at completely different times of day, I waited 90 minutes for a cab to arrive. Thinking that I may have just been unlucky, I asked a friend who grew up in Portland about the taxi scene. Her answer: “Oh, they’re awful. There are like ten of them. For the whole city.” Next time, I’ll act like a true Portlander and ride a bike.
Overall – This summer, I learned two irrefutable truths. One, Fast and the Furious movies are always better with Vin Diesel. And two, Devil’s Point will never disappoint me.
If you like badass women and dive bars, then Devil’s Point just might be your nirvana. This place is chill, female-friendly (an underrated club quality), and awesomely entertaining. If I lived in Portland, I would probably hang out there two or three days a week. No joke. Just remember that you’re there for the dancing and dancers, not the dances, and adjust your expectations accordingly. If you do that, I cannot imagine a way to have a bad time.
TOTAL SCORE = 62
Quality of dancers (9/10) – In association with my original review of this club (where I rated the dancers as a perfect 10), I wrote this:
Until March 20th, 2011, I didn’t know that God made women this hot. And keep in mind that I’ve been to every strip club in Montreal and Vegas, and have spent substantial time in New York City. Really, I thought girls like this were reserved for the imagination, sometimes captured in art, but never in reality. They’re aspirational; their images should be on posters, and in movies, and filling your daydreams and fantasies. But they’re not. Well, maybe they are, but they’re also here. In real life. In Portland. In all of their inked, pierced and dyed glory. To give you a visual, this dancer was the third hottest girl working that night (from my perspective, of course; several of my friends had her at #1 with a bullet). Even Pussy Control, notorious for her picky tastes, was sitting with her mouth agape and talking like a dog in heat: “I’ve never said this before, but I would definitely pay these girls to make out with me. I just wanna pay them.”
They are a type, for sure, so if you’re into fake tits, symmetrical haircuts or anyone with a skin tone darker than an undercooked sugar cookie, they may not blow your mind (although I hope you’d still appreciate them). For me, though, they’re as good as it gets. If aliens came to Earth today, and asked us to prove our worth as a society or face extinction, I’d show them two things: an iPad 2 and the Devil’s Point girls.
I’m afraid I have to take a small step back from that original evaluation. My decision is based on a combination of factors. First, I wrote that piece about 12 hours after my first visit to stripparaoke, and I’m sure my head was still spinning from the performance, which was something special, even for a grizzled strip club vet like myself. Second, I now have a larger sample size and the newest additions, while still hot, don’t scrape the stratosphere like their peers. And third, I’ve since been to Union Jack’s (also in Portland), which I think has hotter dancers, so I need to ensure that there’s some scoring separation between the women there and at Devil’s Point.
A couple of closing thoughts before I finish this ludicrously long category. In the end, it doesn’t really matter if these women are 9’s or 10’s, because they’re already so fucking hot that you’re not allowed to ask for anything more unless your name is Leo or Brad. I’m currently working on a theory to describe this concept. It will likely parallel the Chandrasekhar limit for white dwarf stars. More to come next time I knock back a few glasses of wine and can reason out the details.
Lastly, it’s still true that the standard Sunday night cast at Devil’s Point is the finest shift I’ve ever seen. Brody (whose omission from the last review was an oversight of near-unforgiveable breadth), Rocket, Berlin and Piper are the ’27 Yankees of strip club lineups. Management, don’t fuck that shit up.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – This is a very tricky category. Devil’s Point is very small, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to staff the place with a crew of 20+ dancers. However, the crowds they get (as many as 100 people, it seems) suggest that perhaps a larger dancing staff is justified. I don’t really know. On both of my Sunday night visits, the crowd was massive, but the dance crew was limited to the four above-mentioned stunners. It’s clear that working the crowd and giving private dances isn’t the thrust of the business model here, but the rating system is the rating system, so I have no choice but to sting them.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – Plenty of variety in body type here, from Onyx, the rail-thin stunner who looks like Joan Jett wished she could, to Berlin, the fire-haired vixen with curves so perfectly rich that Paula Dean could cook with them. Sadly, as implied above, there is absolutely no ethnic diversity. The color wheel maxes out at tope and everyone is as American as apple pie, even if they don’t want to be.
Attitude of dancers (10/10) – These women enjoy their work so much that you’d think they had a profit-sharing interest in the club. Every single dancer was working her ass off on stage, flirting with the rail and entertaining the crowd to perfection. The customer-to-dancer ratio makes it almost impossible for the girls to personally interact with any meaningful percentage of the customers, but when they did, they were great. The aforementioned Berlin spent her smoke break in front of the club shooting the breeze with whoever was around, even going out of her way to thank a few departing couples for coming in.
Also, the way dancers interacted with staff and with each other really gave the sense that everyone was working together towards a shared goal. That’s so rare to see in a club. Usually, you’ve got a bunch of girls running individual game (or maybe paired hustles) as they fight for their piece of the financial pie. They view dancing as a zero-sum game (get ready for it, game theory nerds) with a fixed amount of money available: if Justice hooks that guy for three dances, that’s money out of Serenity’s pocket.
But that’s not the case at all. The money input is variable, meaning that most people don’t go to a club and say “I’m going to spend X dollars tonight, no matter what.” The more fun they’re having, the longer they’re going to stay, and the more money they will spend. A great club can change the size of the pie. Indeed, on my most recent trip, Devil’s Point did exactly that. I was there with a handful of women who have never spent more than a few bucks at any club, but that night, several of them spent three consecutive hours at the rack tipping dancers. The girls and management at Devil’s Point seem to understand this concept, so everyone goes out of their way to help each other if it means keeping the customers happy.
Value (10/10) – There’s never a cover (except when bands play on Saturday nights) and the pole action is at least equal to the best I’ve ever seen. PBR’s are $2 ($7 for a pitcher), microbrews are $4, and stiff mixed drinks are $5. Also, I swear I saw someone order two Red Bull and vodkas and only get charged $6 (disclaimer: I was very drunk at the time and may have been distracted by the super hot bartender, so no guarantees that this is accurate).
The only downside to the value is the dances, but I’m scoring Devil’s perfect anyway because with the amount of money that you save on booze and the cover, you aren’t gonna care that your $20 doesn’t get you the mileage it would elsewhere.
Dance Setup (6/10) – Dances occur on a partially padded bench in a tiny room that is curtained off from the rest of the club. Only one dance can happen at a time and the curtain is opaque, so nobody is going to see inside unless they really want to, but it’s so small, so close to the rest of the club, and so lacking in comfort, that it really can’t crush this score despite the significant privacy. For readers that frequent this club and have been to Lamplighter II in MA, which I imagine is nobody, consider this a poor man’s version of that setup.
Club Setup (5.5/10) – Devil’s Point is small. Very small. Despite being handcuffed by that limitation, they do well with what they’ve got. Upon walking in, you’re greeted by a 6-stool bar with a TV on one side and a row of video poker machines on the other. On the far side of the club is a small stage with an ~8-foot pole in the center and a chain on each of the two front vertices. The chains are a nice touch, giving the stage a sexy and rugged look while providing the dancers with two extra props on which to work. About ten seats line the stage and a small handful of low-tops and high-tops fill the floor.
[From my original review]
To the far right of the stage and the tables is an outcropping with a pool table and a padded bench along the wall. I’m still undecided about the value of the pool table. On the one hand, pool tables are fucking awesome and every dive bar should probably have one. On the other, this place is seriously lacking seating capacity, and that table is stealing some much needed space for a few more low-tops. I guess I’m currently indifferent. If you own or work at this club and read this review (an unlikely parlay indeed), chime in and sway my opinion.
[My thoughts now]
Since I first visited Devil’s Point, they’ve removed the pool table, and now that I’ve seen the space without it, I couldn’t agree more with the decision. The removal did wonders to open up the club, turning a near-functionless corner into the perfect spot for a large group and providing some refuge for the curious wallflowers amongst the crowd. And without customers milling about with pool cues, a rookie roller girl who drank and smoked too much can pass out in peace while her teammates create a ruckus on the other side of the club.
Club Atmosphere (8/10) – The club has a completely different atmosphere depending on the time. During the dayshift, it’s the definition of a dive bar, with the dim red lighting, cheap beer, and Erotic Photo Hunt machine. It reminds me of my favorite hangouts in Boston, where the sickos go to get rid of the shakes at noon. The only difference I noticed was the music, which was dancer’s choice, making it considerably better and more upbeat than you’d find in a typical dive.
At night, it’s still divey, of course, but gets packed with people of all shapes, sizes and ages. It was pretty great to see 60 year old couples sharing the floor with the local scenesters and other curious yuppies. For the most part, everyone was chill and the d-bag factor was minimal. Also, it was probably the best-looking crowd I’ve ever seen at a strip club, including a large number of hotties who would be the best-looking girl in the room at any number of bars across America (brutally, I managed to strike out with all of them). As I wrote before, the staff goes out of their way to make sure the crowd is having a good time, and there is definitely a drinking/partying feel at night.
I’ve only been there on Sundays for stripparaoke (an idea I was skeptical of, but now think is beyond genius), so I can’t guarantee that it’s the same every day. Nevertheless, I strongly suspect that the place stays hot during the week for two reasons. First, they have different themes for every night (fire-breathing, industry night, 80’s night, etc.), which keeps everything fresh and should draw different crowds. And second, people don’t appear to work in Portland, at least not that much, so they’re free to go out on whatever nights they want.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Devil’s point is located in an off-the-beaten path neighborhood in the southeast quadrant of Portland, not accessible by the MAX, but only about a $20 cab ride from downtown. Normally, this would rate something like a 3.5, but my experiences with Portland cabs necessitate a lower mark. Twice, at completely different times of day, I waited 90 minutes for a cab to arrive. Thinking that I may have just been unlucky, I asked a friend who grew up in Portland about the taxi scene. Her answer: “Oh, they’re awful. There are like ten of them. For the whole city.” Next time, I’ll act like a true Portlander and ride a bike.
Overall – This summer, I learned two irrefutable truths. One, Fast and the Furious movies are always better with Vin Diesel. And two, Devil’s Point will never disappoint me.
If you like badass women and dive bars, then Devil’s Point just might be your nirvana. This place is chill, female-friendly (an underrated club quality), and awesomely entertaining. If I lived in Portland, I would probably hang out there two or three days a week. No joke. Just remember that you’re there for the dancing and dancers, not the dances, and adjust your expectations accordingly. If you do that, I cannot imagine a way to have a bad time.
TOTAL SCORE = 62
Monday, September 12, 2011
Heartbreakers (Columbia, SC)
Quality of Dances (17/20) – Two way upper body contact is encouraged and the girls are very active over the pants with their hands and mouths. A few of the ladies may even work their way up your thighs if you're wearing loose fitting shorts, but that's about as far as it's going to go due to the less than private setup unless you drop big money for the VIP dances (I haven't felt like dropping hundreds of dollars, so I can't say either way what happens there). Still, you'd have to be pretty demanding to be disappointed by these dances. Mine were all just a small notch below what I received at Platinum Plus, but it was close enough that it might have been the luck of the draw with the women that I chose.
Quality of Dancers (4/10) – Since this place is owned by the same people who own Platinum Plus, I got the feeling that they send their b-squad here. The vast majority of these ladies were 5s or 6s, and only a few would rate above that. One of the hottest ladies there looked exactly like the non-airbrushed version of Sarah Jessica Parker, and one of the lesser ladies looked like an 80's era stripper who hasn't changed her hair, her clothes or her job in the last 25 years.
Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – Even early in the evening, they don't have enough dancers to keep most of the customers occupied. They only have one lady on stage at a time, which sucks since high number of low quality girls means that you might be stuck without anything worthwhile to look at for a few minutes. Thankfully, the sets are short, but they rotate through the girls fairly quickly. It seemed like the less attractive girls were on stage particularly often, but that might have just been my impression because they were more noticeable than the better girls.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Almost all of these ladies are white, but they also have a few black dancers and there's some size variation. The hot ladies were all thin white brunettes though, so you don't have a whole lot of options if you want to check out attractive girls.
Attitude of Dancers (1/10) – Variable dance prices kill the interaction between dancers and customers even in a club with otherwise friendly girls, because an extra step of asking how much a dance costs and, if necessary, negotiating, is thrown into the usual progression from good conversation to "let's go." They weren't too bad other than that, but the canned lines do get old pretty quickly. I mean, I can only hear how big my dick is so many times in one night before I start to suspect that they say that to everyone.
Value (6/10) – It's a great deal if you show up before 8pm since there's only a $3 cover and drinks beers are $2.50. Those prices basically double later in the evening (except on Tuesdays, when beers are $2 all night), but that's not bad at all either. Once you're inside, the lack of a tip rail means that you can guiltlessly take it the sights without spending much cash, and the dances are a decent value if you're willing to bargain. Some of the girls say that their dances are $30 for one or $50 for two, but most of them are happy to accept $25 for one or $40 for two. The girls set their own prices, though, so never go for dances before agreeing to a price. It sucks and makes you feel like a cheapskate to have to ask, but it's better than getting three dances and expecting to pay $60 but being told that you owe $90.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Just like at the Platinum Plus, dances are given on bench/couch hybrids in a narrow area that isn't visible from the rest of the club but that provides no privacy from other people who are giving or receiving dances. If you're the only one getting a dance, it's pretty solid, but that will rarely be the case. The dances are at least good enough that most of the other customers will be too focused on their own dance to worry too much about what you're up to.
Club Setup (6.5/10) – Like most other things about Heatbreakers, the setup is nice but not quite as nice as at the Platinum Plus. It's a fairly large club with a circular stage surrounded by poles to form a sort of a cage in the center of the room, and there's another smaller cage style stage toward the back of the club. Even though it's really just one big room, the angled walls and the central location of the stage break it up to keep it from feeling oversized. My favorite thing about the setup is that it's dark enough to allow girls to get fairly friendly at the tables toward the walls, but if you don't manage to get one of those seats, there are plenty of other tables throughout the room and a few seats at the bar.
Club Atmosphere (4/10) – The crowd seems to be a little younger and rougher than at the Platinum Plus, but it still isn't too bad if you're looking for a loud, smokey place to down a few beers. It wouldn't be my choice for a night of partying, but it feels like a great place to grab a drink after a tough day of work.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – The club is right off of I-26 and is only a few miles from downtown Columbia, but you're going to have to drive to get there. They do at least have plenty of parking, and it seems like the type of place where your vehicle should be perfectly safe. I parked a motorcycle there with no second thoughts.
Overall – Heartbreakers is a solid blue collar club that would be worth a visit if it was located just about anywhere else, but since it's less than five minutes from the vastly superior Platinum Plus, it's really hard to justify spending your time or your money at this place most of the time. The one exception is if you're in the area on a Tuesday and are looking to get drunk on the cheap, in which case you really can't beat Heartbreakers' $2 domestics. Just don't forget to line up a designated driver so that you can transfer the party to Platinum Plus once you're sufficiently loaded and are ready to have some real fun.
RAW SCORE = 49.5
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Oasis Good Time Emporium (Atlanta, GA)
Quality of Dances (6.5/20) – These aren't Follies-quality dances, but you could do a lot worse than Oasis for table dances in Atlanta. Most of the girls alternate between moderate friction with some knee action and air, but these do at least feel like lap dances. Nothing about the vibe lead me to believe that tit grabbing would be acceptable, so I didn't try it, but I was lucky enough to witness one guy making a horribly failed attempt to go for it. Hands on the hips is generally fine though as long as you aren't too aggressive about it.
Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – The Oasis ladies aren't quite as hot across the board as the ladies at The Cheetah or the Pink Pony, but they're almost all still very hot and fairly young. Considering the number of girls that they have working on weekend nights, it's impressive that they're still able to maintain such solid quality control.
Number of Dancers (8.5/10) – I couldn't even guess how many ladies were working on a Saturday night, but the club was packed with guys and pretty much every table had at least one girl and most had more than one. Whether you're looking for dances or company, you shouldn't have to wait long at all to find a girl who's willing to provide it.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – This is where Oasis really set itself apart from the Pink Pony for me. They still have lots of thin white blonds, but they also have a few slightly thicker girls, a few black girls and even several Asians. With so many girls working the crowd, there's usually a different type in just about every direction.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – These girls are surprisingly friendly considering how hot they are and how busy the place gets. Everyone was happy to sit and chat before asking about dances, and one girl was particularly impressive with her sports conversation. I always enjoy when girls seem to know at least a little about sports, but this girl wasn't just talking generalities like, "how do you think the Falcons will do this year?" It was more along the lines of, "what do you think about the rumor that the Eagles are looking to sign another left tackle?" It was like getting a dance from an infinitely more attractive female John Clayton.
Value (6/10) – The $5.50 beers are 50 cents more than at most other places in Atlanta, but the $10 cover, $10 table dances and bathroom attendant looking for a tip are all standard. The stage action is merely adequate, but since they don't have seats at the stages, it's hard to complain too much about a free show when the girls are this attractive.
Dance Setup (0/10) – Unless you're willing to drop the cash for a half hour of private dances, you'll be getting your dance at your seat right out in the middle of the open room. That doesn't allow the girls to stretch the rules at all, and, unless you're shameless, it doesn't allow you to fully relax either. I know a lot of people love the idea of $10 table dances in Atlanta, but I'd be more than happy to pay double that for even a modicum of privacy. You know, like you do with lap dances almost everywhere else in the country.
Club Setup (8/10) – Oasis is a large square room with high ceilings that really should feel like a warehouse, but somehow they make it work. There are well lit framed artsy lingerie posters around the room like you'd see at some of the big Vegas clubs and it just generally manages to be classy without being too stuffy. There's a large bar at one side of the room, a small bar at the other side and three fairly small stages around the room. My only complaint there is that there are no seats at the stage, so you have to stand and deliver if you want to give a tip, but it does mean that everyone has a decent view from all of the 3 or 4 person tables with moveable chairs that fill up the room. The best thing about this place is that, unlike almost all of the other Atlanta clubs, there's plenty of seating, even when it's packed.
Club Atmosphere (8.5/10) – Oasis is a nice place to relax in the early evening and a nice place to party once the night really gets going. It would probably be my choice for a bachelor party destination in Atlanta, and it's just generally a good time.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – This place is on the outskirts of Atlanta, but they do have plenty of parking and they're in the same general direction as Follies, so you can hit them both if you're looking to make the trip worthwhile.
Overall – Oasis is a very nice club that will be a regular stop for me any time that I'm in town. It isn't the best at any individual aspect - their girls aren't quite the hottest, their dances aren't the most aggressive, and their location is pretty much the worst - but they're still in a two way race with Follies for the title of best all-around strip club in Atlanta. I'm all about the dances, so you're more likely to find me at Follies, particularly before the clubs get too busy, but Oasis is the place to go if you're looking to have a night out on the town and the quality of ladies is more important to you than the quality of the table dances.
RAW SCORE = 58
Quality of Dancers (8.5/10) – The Oasis ladies aren't quite as hot across the board as the ladies at The Cheetah or the Pink Pony, but they're almost all still very hot and fairly young. Considering the number of girls that they have working on weekend nights, it's impressive that they're still able to maintain such solid quality control.
Number of Dancers (8.5/10) – I couldn't even guess how many ladies were working on a Saturday night, but the club was packed with guys and pretty much every table had at least one girl and most had more than one. Whether you're looking for dances or company, you shouldn't have to wait long at all to find a girl who's willing to provide it.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – This is where Oasis really set itself apart from the Pink Pony for me. They still have lots of thin white blonds, but they also have a few slightly thicker girls, a few black girls and even several Asians. With so many girls working the crowd, there's usually a different type in just about every direction.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – These girls are surprisingly friendly considering how hot they are and how busy the place gets. Everyone was happy to sit and chat before asking about dances, and one girl was particularly impressive with her sports conversation. I always enjoy when girls seem to know at least a little about sports, but this girl wasn't just talking generalities like, "how do you think the Falcons will do this year?" It was more along the lines of, "what do you think about the rumor that the Eagles are looking to sign another left tackle?" It was like getting a dance from an infinitely more attractive female John Clayton.
Value (6/10) – The $5.50 beers are 50 cents more than at most other places in Atlanta, but the $10 cover, $10 table dances and bathroom attendant looking for a tip are all standard. The stage action is merely adequate, but since they don't have seats at the stages, it's hard to complain too much about a free show when the girls are this attractive.
Dance Setup (0/10) – Unless you're willing to drop the cash for a half hour of private dances, you'll be getting your dance at your seat right out in the middle of the open room. That doesn't allow the girls to stretch the rules at all, and, unless you're shameless, it doesn't allow you to fully relax either. I know a lot of people love the idea of $10 table dances in Atlanta, but I'd be more than happy to pay double that for even a modicum of privacy. You know, like you do with lap dances almost everywhere else in the country.
Club Setup (8/10) – Oasis is a large square room with high ceilings that really should feel like a warehouse, but somehow they make it work. There are well lit framed artsy lingerie posters around the room like you'd see at some of the big Vegas clubs and it just generally manages to be classy without being too stuffy. There's a large bar at one side of the room, a small bar at the other side and three fairly small stages around the room. My only complaint there is that there are no seats at the stage, so you have to stand and deliver if you want to give a tip, but it does mean that everyone has a decent view from all of the 3 or 4 person tables with moveable chairs that fill up the room. The best thing about this place is that, unlike almost all of the other Atlanta clubs, there's plenty of seating, even when it's packed.
Club Atmosphere (8.5/10) – Oasis is a nice place to relax in the early evening and a nice place to party once the night really gets going. It would probably be my choice for a bachelor party destination in Atlanta, and it's just generally a good time.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – This place is on the outskirts of Atlanta, but they do have plenty of parking and they're in the same general direction as Follies, so you can hit them both if you're looking to make the trip worthwhile.
Overall – Oasis is a very nice club that will be a regular stop for me any time that I'm in town. It isn't the best at any individual aspect - their girls aren't quite the hottest, their dances aren't the most aggressive, and their location is pretty much the worst - but they're still in a two way race with Follies for the title of best all-around strip club in Atlanta. I'm all about the dances, so you're more likely to find me at Follies, particularly before the clubs get too busy, but Oasis is the place to go if you're looking to have a night out on the town and the quality of ladies is more important to you than the quality of the table dances.
RAW SCORE = 58
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Camelot West (Lexington, KY)
Quality of Dances (12.5/20) – You're probably better off sticking with table dances, but if you can manage to find anyone worth getting a lap dance from, you should be pleased with the quality. The girls give a good grind and encourage at least moderate two way contact, and a lot of girls will graze their hands over your crotch. Many of the girls will promise that lots of fun can be had if the reasonably priced locked private booths, but I had zero interest in getting more intimate with these ladies.
Quality of Dancers (1/10) – Most of these ladies were a little older, a little larger, or both. I only saw one who I'd rate above a 6, and most of them were in the 2-5 range on the non-pro scale.
Number of Dancers (2/10) – I saw about a half dozen dancers and there was a decent dancer to customer ratio, but that really doesn't do you any good if the only attractive girl is tied up with regulars for the entire evening.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – They've got a fairly even mix of black and white dancers, and I did see one Latina as well. You really don't have much choice of who to look at, though, when there's only one hot dancer in the building. As for size, it seemed to correlate with skin tone, so you're out of luck if you're looking for a larger white lady or a smaller black one.
Attitude of Dancers (5.5/10) – They're not going to be getting many customers who just stop in because they're passing by and think it looks like a nice place to check out. They know that everyone who stops here is a regular or at least a potential regular, so they treat customers accordingly. If they'd get rid of the strung out girls, this score would be higher, but everyone is really friendly and you should be able to have some decent conversation if that's what you're looking for.
Value (7.5/10) – You can't beat $2.25 beers and no cover during happy hour, and, even in the evening, $3.50 beers and a $5 cover are a bargain. You'll bore quickly if you're tring to be a spectator since the stage is empty for long stretches of time, but the $5 table dances are a popular way to stretch your cash, and most of the girls offer full lap dances for two-for-$25 or two-for-$30.
Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance area is a separate section of the club beside the dj booth, so the dj and anyone who is giving or receiving a dance can see what you're up to. Still, since most people stick to the table dances, the lack of dividers between the couches isn't a deal breaker.
Club Setup (1/10) – I rarely care about strip club restrooms, but the facilities at Camelot West are so bad that I'd be doing you a disservice to not mention them. There are two urinals in the room and the door doesn't lock, so it's clearly not meant to be a one-at-a-time deal, but there's a toilet in there with no stall or dividers whatsoever. I don't even know whether it would be more awkward dropping a deuce in front of a guy who's just trying to take a piss, or if it would be worse to be pissing in front of a guy who's laying some cable, but neither would be good. And if that's not enough, there's a makeshift peephole (or a glory hole for a micro-penis?) between the men's and women's bathrooms that's been plugged up with toilet paper. The worst part, though, is that the bathroom looks exactly how you expect it to look based on the rundown shithole that is Camelot West. If it were better maintained, the setup might not actually be that bad - there's a raised area near the front that helps everyone get a good view of the small octagonal stage and there's plenty of seating at either the long bar or the small tables that are scattered around the room - but it's better days had to have been several presidencies ago.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place is a pure dive bar, so the crowd really can make the difference between it being a solid place to pound a few beers and it being a shithole where you wouldn't want to spend much time. Unfortunately, half the crowd seemed a little rough and the other half consisted of creepy old men in way-too-short basketball shorts. I can't fault their logic, because the basketball shorts in a strip club is to guys looking to buy sex what the rolled up right pant leg was to guys looking to buy drugs in the 90s, but have a little self respect and wear some proper clothes. Cargos or khaki shorts are acceptable on a hot day and offer similar access without the side effect of creeping out every girl in the place. Sure, it will require a little more work in telling the girls what you want, but that's a small price to pay to maintain your dignity.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – The club is in a strip mall on the west side of Lexingon. It's easy to get to an there's more than enough parking, but I didn't get the sense that this is the best part of town.
Overall – Camelot West is a run down piece of shit club where you really shouldn't plan to go if you're just looking for dances. If, on the other hand, you're looking or more than that, it might be worth keeping in mind since it's the safest bet for extra services in the Lexington area. Even then, I'd take my chances at one of the other clubs first, but you should be comforted to know that Camelot West is there if the other clubs have left you high and dry by the time that you're down to your last $100.
RAW SCORE = 38.5
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Deja Vu Lexington (Lexington, KY)
Quality of Dances (6.5/20) – The dances at Deja Vu are fairly mediocre. I like the short preview that you get when the girl dances on the small stage in the dance booth and the dancers do make contact with customers, but the dj constantly announces to "keep your hands inside the ride at all times." I assume that means that you aren't supposed to touch the dancers, but assuming that the dancers are the "rides," maybe I misinterpreted that. Either way, I didn't get the feeling that tit grabbing would be acceptable, though minimal lower body contact is fine.
Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Deja Vu has the biggest variation in quality of any of the local clubs. They had the two hottest dancers that I saw on my Lexington strip club tour, but they also had a lot of worn out and mediocre girls taking up space. Overall, the quality was decent but nothing to write home about.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – They have lots of dancers and a very nice dancer-to-customer ratio, but the limited number of really hot dancers prevents them from getting a overly high score here.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Most of the ladies at this place are thin and white, and the really hot ones that I saw were all brunettes. Even though they were less impressive, I was pleased to at least see one or two African Americans to break up the monotony.
Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – Most of the ladies at Deja Vu are all business. They aren't exactly rude, but if you don't get a dance right away, they probably aren't going to stick around for more than a few seconds. Plus, this was the first place that I've ever been asked if I'd like to buy a drink for a dancer while getting a lap dance. The blame for that obviously belongs with the waitress rather than with the dancers, but the result is nevertheless that you don't even momentarily forget that you're paying for these ladies' company.
Value (6.5/10) – The dances are an okay value at $20 each, the $12 cover is reasonable for an alcohol-free club with free sodas, and the nude stage action is above average, but the real value comes from the crazy specials that they have. Sometimes dances are $15, sometimes they're buy one get one free, sometimes you can get 2 girls at a time for the regular dance price, and sometimes they have something called "mystery dances." Even after getting one of them, I still have no idea what the fuck they are. Basically, they played some sort of achy breaky heart-ish country music and then announced a girl who was the mystery girl. The girl who was dancing for me was the mystery girl, so I think I was supposed to get a free porn DVD or something similarly pervish, but I didn't bother to tell the DJ that I was the winner though, so maybe I'm wrong about the prize. Either way, I was as confused as I've ever been while sober.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – You'd think that the setup would be decent since you get your own booth, but the opening faces directly into the main area of the club so everyone can watch your dance. It was particularly bad during one of my dances when a table full of girls stared in my direction while laughing hysterically. I wish I'd know at the time that it was just a bachelorette party laughing at the bachelorette who was getting a dance in the booth beside me, because that dance was a very uncomfortable 3 minutes.
Club Setup (3.5/10) – The club reminded me of a smaller version of Deja Vu's Las Vegas location, but it was a little more run down than the other Deja Vu clubs that I've been to and it was uncomfortably hot. It's just one big room with a lot of small tables and rolly chairs, and there are a few tall tables in the back near the juice bar. Everyone does at least have a decent view of the three-polled stage in the front of the room, but only one girl was on it at a time while I was there while I was there on a Saturday night.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – The vibe is pretty solid for an alcohol-free club and the DJ does everything that he can to pump up the energy level. I don't usually enjoy a loud DJ and the weird jokey songs and mystery dances are a little over the top, but this guy is actually pretty good. As long as you manage to ignore the young jackasses that fill the place (this is the only strip club option in town for the under-21 crowd), it's easy to have a good time at Deja Vu.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Deja Vu is on the north side of Lexington and is very close to both Cowboys and Divas, and they have more than enough parking even when the club is hopping. The only real drawback is that the entrace is in direct view of the main road, but I didn't really care about that since I'm not from the area and am shameless. It might not be great for you, though, if you'd prefer to hide your strip club habit from anyone in Lexington.
Overall – Deja Vu Lexington is an okay club, but it's just not good enough in any individual aspect to overcome the lack of alcohol as far as I'm concerned. That might be different for you if you're under 21 or are working your way through the 12 step program, but, either way, Deja Vu is a decent but unspectacular option for seeing some naked ladies in Lexington.
RAW SCORE = 44
Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Deja Vu has the biggest variation in quality of any of the local clubs. They had the two hottest dancers that I saw on my Lexington strip club tour, but they also had a lot of worn out and mediocre girls taking up space. Overall, the quality was decent but nothing to write home about.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – They have lots of dancers and a very nice dancer-to-customer ratio, but the limited number of really hot dancers prevents them from getting a overly high score here.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Most of the ladies at this place are thin and white, and the really hot ones that I saw were all brunettes. Even though they were less impressive, I was pleased to at least see one or two African Americans to break up the monotony.
Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – Most of the ladies at Deja Vu are all business. They aren't exactly rude, but if you don't get a dance right away, they probably aren't going to stick around for more than a few seconds. Plus, this was the first place that I've ever been asked if I'd like to buy a drink for a dancer while getting a lap dance. The blame for that obviously belongs with the waitress rather than with the dancers, but the result is nevertheless that you don't even momentarily forget that you're paying for these ladies' company.
Value (6.5/10) – The dances are an okay value at $20 each, the $12 cover is reasonable for an alcohol-free club with free sodas, and the nude stage action is above average, but the real value comes from the crazy specials that they have. Sometimes dances are $15, sometimes they're buy one get one free, sometimes you can get 2 girls at a time for the regular dance price, and sometimes they have something called "mystery dances." Even after getting one of them, I still have no idea what the fuck they are. Basically, they played some sort of achy breaky heart-ish country music and then announced a girl who was the mystery girl. The girl who was dancing for me was the mystery girl, so I think I was supposed to get a free porn DVD or something similarly pervish, but I didn't bother to tell the DJ that I was the winner though, so maybe I'm wrong about the prize. Either way, I was as confused as I've ever been while sober.
Dance Setup (2.5/10) – You'd think that the setup would be decent since you get your own booth, but the opening faces directly into the main area of the club so everyone can watch your dance. It was particularly bad during one of my dances when a table full of girls stared in my direction while laughing hysterically. I wish I'd know at the time that it was just a bachelorette party laughing at the bachelorette who was getting a dance in the booth beside me, because that dance was a very uncomfortable 3 minutes.
Club Setup (3.5/10) – The club reminded me of a smaller version of Deja Vu's Las Vegas location, but it was a little more run down than the other Deja Vu clubs that I've been to and it was uncomfortably hot. It's just one big room with a lot of small tables and rolly chairs, and there are a few tall tables in the back near the juice bar. Everyone does at least have a decent view of the three-polled stage in the front of the room, but only one girl was on it at a time while I was there while I was there on a Saturday night.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – The vibe is pretty solid for an alcohol-free club and the DJ does everything that he can to pump up the energy level. I don't usually enjoy a loud DJ and the weird jokey songs and mystery dances are a little over the top, but this guy is actually pretty good. As long as you manage to ignore the young jackasses that fill the place (this is the only strip club option in town for the under-21 crowd), it's easy to have a good time at Deja Vu.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Deja Vu is on the north side of Lexington and is very close to both Cowboys and Divas, and they have more than enough parking even when the club is hopping. The only real drawback is that the entrace is in direct view of the main road, but I didn't really care about that since I'm not from the area and am shameless. It might not be great for you, though, if you'd prefer to hide your strip club habit from anyone in Lexington.
Overall – Deja Vu Lexington is an okay club, but it's just not good enough in any individual aspect to overcome the lack of alcohol as far as I'm concerned. That might be different for you if you're under 21 or are working your way through the 12 step program, but, either way, Deja Vu is a decent but unspectacular option for seeing some naked ladies in Lexington.
RAW SCORE = 44
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Cowboys (Lexington, KY)
Quality of Dances (12/20) – The dances at Cowboys are among the best that you'll find in Lexington. Most of the girls give a solid grind and are active over the pants (and in a few cases, under the pants) with their hands. The over the pants vibrating mouth action is particularly popular and appreciated. Unfortunately, other than hands on the hips, the contact is one-way and the bottoms stay on. I usually stick with topless dances anyway, but it is nice at all the other Lexington clubs to have the option to upgrade if the mood strikes. On the plus side, even though lap dances are always my dance of choice, it's nice that they also offer moderate friction table dances that are just as useful if your real goal is to give the girl a tryout for the 15 minute VIP. Some of the girls offer to lend a helping hand in the VIP and a few might even do more than that, but the separate cameras pointed directly at each VIP booth will be enough to keep guys with anything to lose from trying to go too far.
Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – They usually have a few 8s and 9s, but quality control is fairly low, with a sizeable percentage of the girls having some glaring weakness, such as a bad boob job, a jacked up face or just a generally tired and worn out appearance.
Number of Dancers (5/10) – The actual number of dancers isn't too bad with short stage sets and not too many repeats, but the fact that there are only a few truly hot ones combined with the fact that most if not all of those hot ones are perpetually tied up with regulars means that you're going to have to drop your standards or be very patient if you want a dance when it's busy. I was approached by a few worthy dance candidates by the end of my first beer during the day shift, but on a Saturday night, it was rare to be approached by any of the dozen-ish dancers who were on the floor, and it was even more rare to be approached by anyone who I'd rate as a 7 or above. Of course, things are much better if you're a regular, but, for the rest of us, the lack of quality dancers can be frustrating.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of these girls are either thin and white or very thin and white. Even though I did see a few black dancers, hair color was the only meaningful variation, because all of the women who were worth a look were Caucasian.
Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – Some of the hottest dancers are all business, particularly when the club is busy, but these ladies are generally pretty friendly. I'm a particularly big fan of the way that a lot of them ask if you want company after you get a dance. It really puts the ball in your court in a way that isn't too aggressive while still giving the shy guys an opening to ask for what they want. They do try to use the lap dances to upsell to the VIP, but even that is low pressure, and a few girls suggested that I sample a few girls' table dances and lap dances before picking one for the VIP so that I'd be happy with my choice. That's always a good idea anyway, but I've never had dancers suggest it.
Value (6.5/10) – The cover is low, cans of beer are only $3.25 and you can't beat $5 table dances, so Cowboys isn't a bad place to go if you're trying to stretch a dollar. Lap dances are a little over priced at $20 each since they usually play very short songs, but at least you feel like you're getting something for your money. If you're looking to get a little more though, 15 minutes in the VIP area will run you $150.
Dance Setup (1.5/10) – Lap dances are given in a separate room off of a back corner of the club, so nobody in the regular part of the club can watch you while you're getting your dances. Unfortunately, there are no dividers in the room and it's very bright, so the DJ and anyone who's giving or receiving a dance can see you. I'm not factoring in the VIP dance setup for this score, but, in case you're curious, it's a row of large booths that are only visible to people walking to and from their own VIP dances. Well, them and whoever is monitoring the video feeds from the cameras that are right in front of and pointed at each booth.
Club Setup (3/10) – This place is a total dive. There's a decent bar at one side of the club and a small bar at the other side and there are four high tables, but most people just sit at the shitty small tables with rolly chairs. The club is small enough that no one is too far from the main stage or the tiny stage that's off to the one side (or the third stage that was unused while I was there), but the lack of seating at the stage means that guys line up to hand the girls tips, blocking everyone else's view in the process.
Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – If you're looking for a gentlemen's club, go elsewhere, because Cowboys is a strip joint in the purest sense. Cans of beer? A slightly rough crowd? Country music? Check, check, check. Having said that, there are enough young bachelor partiers and crusty old men that you'd shouldn't feel too out of place no matter who you are.
Club Accessibility (4/5) – Cowboys is on the north side of town, but it's not far from downtown Lexington and is fairly close to a few other strip clubs. The location at the back of a strip mall is a little unusual, but there's plenty of parking and the entrance is discreet, so it's not bad.
Overall – Cowboys is very much a hybrid of the glamorous clubs like Platinum Plus and the gritty clubs like Divas. Whether its a best-of-both-worlds hybrid or a worst-of-both-worlds hybrid really depends on when you go. The relatively small number of quality dancers means that you never quite know what you'll get on any particular visit, but your chances of finding it at its best are inversely proportional to how busy the club is, so I'd try not to go on a weekend night if at all possible. If you hit it right (or if you're a regular, in which case you already know this), Cowboys is the only club in town where you can get above average dances from above average dancers. If you hit it wrong, though, it can be a frustrating experience. Overall, it's worth stopping by and having a beer while you scope it out, but you need to be willing to bail if necessary, because it will not improve as the night goes on.
RAW SCORE = 51
Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – They usually have a few 8s and 9s, but quality control is fairly low, with a sizeable percentage of the girls having some glaring weakness, such as a bad boob job, a jacked up face or just a generally tired and worn out appearance.
Number of Dancers (5/10) – The actual number of dancers isn't too bad with short stage sets and not too many repeats, but the fact that there are only a few truly hot ones combined with the fact that most if not all of those hot ones are perpetually tied up with regulars means that you're going to have to drop your standards or be very patient if you want a dance when it's busy. I was approached by a few worthy dance candidates by the end of my first beer during the day shift, but on a Saturday night, it was rare to be approached by any of the dozen-ish dancers who were on the floor, and it was even more rare to be approached by anyone who I'd rate as a 7 or above. Of course, things are much better if you're a regular, but, for the rest of us, the lack of quality dancers can be frustrating.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – Most of these girls are either thin and white or very thin and white. Even though I did see a few black dancers, hair color was the only meaningful variation, because all of the women who were worth a look were Caucasian.
Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – Some of the hottest dancers are all business, particularly when the club is busy, but these ladies are generally pretty friendly. I'm a particularly big fan of the way that a lot of them ask if you want company after you get a dance. It really puts the ball in your court in a way that isn't too aggressive while still giving the shy guys an opening to ask for what they want. They do try to use the lap dances to upsell to the VIP, but even that is low pressure, and a few girls suggested that I sample a few girls' table dances and lap dances before picking one for the VIP so that I'd be happy with my choice. That's always a good idea anyway, but I've never had dancers suggest it.
Value (6.5/10) – The cover is low, cans of beer are only $3.25 and you can't beat $5 table dances, so Cowboys isn't a bad place to go if you're trying to stretch a dollar. Lap dances are a little over priced at $20 each since they usually play very short songs, but at least you feel like you're getting something for your money. If you're looking to get a little more though, 15 minutes in the VIP area will run you $150.
Dance Setup (1.5/10) – Lap dances are given in a separate room off of a back corner of the club, so nobody in the regular part of the club can watch you while you're getting your dances. Unfortunately, there are no dividers in the room and it's very bright, so the DJ and anyone who's giving or receiving a dance can see you. I'm not factoring in the VIP dance setup for this score, but, in case you're curious, it's a row of large booths that are only visible to people walking to and from their own VIP dances. Well, them and whoever is monitoring the video feeds from the cameras that are right in front of and pointed at each booth.
Club Setup (3/10) – This place is a total dive. There's a decent bar at one side of the club and a small bar at the other side and there are four high tables, but most people just sit at the shitty small tables with rolly chairs. The club is small enough that no one is too far from the main stage or the tiny stage that's off to the one side (or the third stage that was unused while I was there), but the lack of seating at the stage means that guys line up to hand the girls tips, blocking everyone else's view in the process.
Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – If you're looking for a gentlemen's club, go elsewhere, because Cowboys is a strip joint in the purest sense. Cans of beer? A slightly rough crowd? Country music? Check, check, check. Having said that, there are enough young bachelor partiers and crusty old men that you'd shouldn't feel too out of place no matter who you are.
Club Accessibility (4/5) – Cowboys is on the north side of town, but it's not far from downtown Lexington and is fairly close to a few other strip clubs. The location at the back of a strip mall is a little unusual, but there's plenty of parking and the entrance is discreet, so it's not bad.
Overall – Cowboys is very much a hybrid of the glamorous clubs like Platinum Plus and the gritty clubs like Divas. Whether its a best-of-both-worlds hybrid or a worst-of-both-worlds hybrid really depends on when you go. The relatively small number of quality dancers means that you never quite know what you'll get on any particular visit, but your chances of finding it at its best are inversely proportional to how busy the club is, so I'd try not to go on a weekend night if at all possible. If you hit it right (or if you're a regular, in which case you already know this), Cowboys is the only club in town where you can get above average dances from above average dancers. If you hit it wrong, though, it can be a frustrating experience. Overall, it's worth stopping by and having a beer while you scope it out, but you need to be willing to bail if necessary, because it will not improve as the night goes on.
RAW SCORE = 51
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Club Onyx (Atlanta, GA)
Quality of Dances (4/20) – These are a little more variable, but, overall, the dances at Onyx are slightly worse than the useless ones that you'd get at the Pink Pony. Most of the girls alternate between 1 way contact and no contact at all, though some girls try to get a little creative and create a little bit of friction. One girl even attempted a trick where she put her leg behind her head while standing in front of me, but she lost her balance and fell over right into my lap. That was by far the most contact that I got at this place. A few of the girls offer to show you a much better time outside of the club, but I definitely wouldn't go in with the expectation that you'll get that level of service.
Quality of Dancers (9/10) – Good lord, these ladies are blazing. The top end might have be a notch below the top end at Magic City, but there are 9s everywhere and I haven't seen anyone below a 7. My only complaint is that there are more breast implants than I'm used to seeing at black clubs and more ass implants than I'm used to seeing anywhere.
Number of Dancers (8/10) – They have well over 50 dancers working on the weekends and there are almost always several girls lined up along the main stage in the center of the club. The ratio of girls to guys gets less impressive as the night goes on, but that's not a big deal at a place like this where watching the stage is much better than getting a table dance anyway. Still, if you want a girl to join you, you should never have to wait too long.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – This is a black club with black dancers, so you should go elsewhere if that doesn't do anything for you. The variety here comes almost exclusively from body types, with thick, think, muscular and jiggly dancers everywhere, and all of that variety is among high quality ladies. You might think that some of them are a little too large if you're a fan of the Pink Pony girls, but I don't think that anyone would consider these girls fat.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes are about average at the start of the night, with a lot of girls being happy to sit and chat, but they steadily decline as the evening goes on and the number of wallets in the building increases. I've been asked to buy more drinks for dancers here than in all of the other Atlanta clubs combined, and many of them don't even seem appreciative if you do drop $10 for a pathetic looking cocktail in a tiny plastic cup. One girl asked me to buy her a blue motherfucker, and, from her tone, I honestly couldn't tell whether that was the name of the drink or if it was just called a "blue," and she was referring to me as "motherfucker." I didn't want to get involved in any drama in this place, so I said I'd get her when the waitress came by, but she said she wanted it immediately so she'd go to the bar to get it and I could give her the cash. I guess the fact that this is a service industry was lost on her.
Value (5/10) – The drink hustle is a pain in the ass, but everything else is standard for Atlanta, with a $10 cover, $10 table dances and $5 beers. The stage action isn't quite as good as at Magic City, but it's still very impressive and a good way to take in the sights without blowing through cash.
Dance Setup (0/10) – One girl moved me to a bench along the side wall when the club wasn't busy, but generally, you'll get your dance at your table or wherever you're standing. And if you're here on the weekend, you'll almost certainly be standing.
Club Setup (3.5/10) – Onyx is a fairly large club, particularly compared to what you expect when you see the front of the place because it's much deeper than it is wide. It's reasonably nice inside, but seating is seriously lacking, especially when the club is busy. There's a raised couch area off to the right side and a few tall tables near the stage, but you won't get a seat there on the weekend unless you're getting bottle service. You can at least stand at one of the two bars though, and the view of the stage is pretty decent from everywhere in the club. The stage itself is very long and narrow, allowing the ladies to line up side by side to give you several asses to watch at at time. The only really odd thing is that the ceilings are fairly low and unfinished, so the girls are up among the heating ducts when they climb the poles. You'll rarely be looking above their waists anyway though, so you might not even notice that.
Club Atmosphere (4/10) – If you enjoy hearing the latest hip hop tracks at an eardrum rattling volume, you'll love this place. There's a good party vibe and the crowd doesn't seem to be too bad, but the security has been intense ever since a shooting a few years ago. Since I try to hit the bad clubs as well as the good ones, I've been patted down often. I've even been checked for a wire (speaking of which, Onyx's bathroom attendant sounds exactly like Clay Davis to the point where I'm sure I'd have given him a big tip to say "Sheeeeeeeeit" if I'd had a few more drinks). But I've never experienced security like this. An androgynous creature practically raped me at the entrance, first feeling my pockets, then moving my nuts to the side so it could check my taint for a gun. If that was a man, and there's about a 50% chance that it was, then I can no longer say that I've never had a gay experience. I admittedly did feel secure once I was inside the place, but I'd rather live dangerously than go through a security check like that.
Club Accessibility (4/5) – Onyx is easy to get to from most of downtown Atlanta, is practically walkable from Kamal's 21 and isn't too far from several other decent strip clubs. It's definitely possible to stop by for a short visit without feeling like you wasted too much time or money getting there.
Overall – This place is like a larger but slightly less classy version of Magic City. It's a nice place to see some of the most beautiful black women in the world, just don't expect quality dances or a relaxing atmosphere, because you won't find either here. I'll stop by occasionally since it's on the way to better clubs, but it will never be my primary destination for a night out in Atlanta.
RAW SCORE = 43
Quality of Dancers (9/10) – Good lord, these ladies are blazing. The top end might have be a notch below the top end at Magic City, but there are 9s everywhere and I haven't seen anyone below a 7. My only complaint is that there are more breast implants than I'm used to seeing at black clubs and more ass implants than I'm used to seeing anywhere.
Number of Dancers (8/10) – They have well over 50 dancers working on the weekends and there are almost always several girls lined up along the main stage in the center of the club. The ratio of girls to guys gets less impressive as the night goes on, but that's not a big deal at a place like this where watching the stage is much better than getting a table dance anyway. Still, if you want a girl to join you, you should never have to wait too long.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – This is a black club with black dancers, so you should go elsewhere if that doesn't do anything for you. The variety here comes almost exclusively from body types, with thick, think, muscular and jiggly dancers everywhere, and all of that variety is among high quality ladies. You might think that some of them are a little too large if you're a fan of the Pink Pony girls, but I don't think that anyone would consider these girls fat.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes are about average at the start of the night, with a lot of girls being happy to sit and chat, but they steadily decline as the evening goes on and the number of wallets in the building increases. I've been asked to buy more drinks for dancers here than in all of the other Atlanta clubs combined, and many of them don't even seem appreciative if you do drop $10 for a pathetic looking cocktail in a tiny plastic cup. One girl asked me to buy her a blue motherfucker, and, from her tone, I honestly couldn't tell whether that was the name of the drink or if it was just called a "blue," and she was referring to me as "motherfucker." I didn't want to get involved in any drama in this place, so I said I'd get her when the waitress came by, but she said she wanted it immediately so she'd go to the bar to get it and I could give her the cash. I guess the fact that this is a service industry was lost on her.
Value (5/10) – The drink hustle is a pain in the ass, but everything else is standard for Atlanta, with a $10 cover, $10 table dances and $5 beers. The stage action isn't quite as good as at Magic City, but it's still very impressive and a good way to take in the sights without blowing through cash.
Dance Setup (0/10) – One girl moved me to a bench along the side wall when the club wasn't busy, but generally, you'll get your dance at your table or wherever you're standing. And if you're here on the weekend, you'll almost certainly be standing.
Club Setup (3.5/10) – Onyx is a fairly large club, particularly compared to what you expect when you see the front of the place because it's much deeper than it is wide. It's reasonably nice inside, but seating is seriously lacking, especially when the club is busy. There's a raised couch area off to the right side and a few tall tables near the stage, but you won't get a seat there on the weekend unless you're getting bottle service. You can at least stand at one of the two bars though, and the view of the stage is pretty decent from everywhere in the club. The stage itself is very long and narrow, allowing the ladies to line up side by side to give you several asses to watch at at time. The only really odd thing is that the ceilings are fairly low and unfinished, so the girls are up among the heating ducts when they climb the poles. You'll rarely be looking above their waists anyway though, so you might not even notice that.
Club Atmosphere (4/10) – If you enjoy hearing the latest hip hop tracks at an eardrum rattling volume, you'll love this place. There's a good party vibe and the crowd doesn't seem to be too bad, but the security has been intense ever since a shooting a few years ago. Since I try to hit the bad clubs as well as the good ones, I've been patted down often. I've even been checked for a wire (speaking of which, Onyx's bathroom attendant sounds exactly like Clay Davis to the point where I'm sure I'd have given him a big tip to say "Sheeeeeeeeit" if I'd had a few more drinks). But I've never experienced security like this. An androgynous creature practically raped me at the entrance, first feeling my pockets, then moving my nuts to the side so it could check my taint for a gun. If that was a man, and there's about a 50% chance that it was, then I can no longer say that I've never had a gay experience. I admittedly did feel secure once I was inside the place, but I'd rather live dangerously than go through a security check like that.
Club Accessibility (4/5) – Onyx is easy to get to from most of downtown Atlanta, is practically walkable from Kamal's 21 and isn't too far from several other decent strip clubs. It's definitely possible to stop by for a short visit without feeling like you wasted too much time or money getting there.
Overall – This place is like a larger but slightly less classy version of Magic City. It's a nice place to see some of the most beautiful black women in the world, just don't expect quality dances or a relaxing atmosphere, because you won't find either here. I'll stop by occasionally since it's on the way to better clubs, but it will never be my primary destination for a night out in Atlanta.
RAW SCORE = 43
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