Quality of Dances (7/20) – These are your run of the mill, mediocre lap dances. The girls don't mind if you touch their legs and most of them provide some moderate friction, but I've never walked away from a dance here thinking, "that was totally worth $25."
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – I don't get to Danbury often, so my sample size is fairly small, but most of the girls that I've seen here have been surprisingly hot and all of them have been at least decent. A lot of them are in their late 20s, so you might be disappointed if you're into the barely legal types, but I'll take a hot 29 year old over a busted 22 year old anyday.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – There were well over a dozen women working in the early evening, which worked out to about a 1-to-1 dancer-to-customer ratio. The ratio was lower when I visited later at night, but there were still plenty of attractive ladies to chose from.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5) – I've found a nice mix of races and nationalities at Elan's, with black girls, white girls, Asian girls, American girls and Russian girls in the mix. Most customers will probably appreciate that these girls are all fairly fit, but it might not be ideal for you if you're into thick chicks or are looking for something to grab onto during a lap dance. I guess that doesn't really matter too much though since two-way contact during the dances is too limited to allow for much grabbing anyway.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – The attitudes at Elan's aren't terrible, but some of the ladies seem to be a little stuck up and they don't circulate as much as they should. Plus they lose another point because one dancer cut me off in the parking lot and gave me the finger. Ladies, be on your best behavior at all times, because you never know when you're in Peter's presence.
Value (3.5/10) – No individual aspect of this club is terribly overpriced, but everything is on the high side, with $25 dances, a $10 cover after 7, $4.50 beers and a fairly mediocre stage show.
Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in the same chairs that they have elsewhere in club and there's absolutely no privacy from other dancers/dancees or anyone else in the place. The one row of chairs along the right-side wall at least faces away from most of the club, but that's still pretty bad. Making matters even worse is the fact that this whole place is way too bright, so it's even easier than it would otherwise be for any voyeurs to watch.
Club Setup (6/10) – They have a large bar with a very low stage several feet away inside, another small stage and the main stage which they only use when they're busy. That's all fine, and they do have reasonably comfortable chairs throughout the club, but the tiny tables suck if you're here with a group. Thankfully, they at least have two or three slightly better tables in the back.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The crowd is usually pretty decent and this place just generally has a solid vibe. It's not at all threatening and is definitely somewhere that I'd consider hosting a bachelor party if any members of the bride-to-be's family were going to be in attendance.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Elan's of Danbury is, unsurprisingly, not far from Danbury, but it's not particularly close to anything else of note. I don't think there's any type of mass transit in the area, so you'll need to drive to get here, but at least they do have more than enough parking if you can manage to steer around the crazy angry strippers in the lot.
Overall – This place is better than I expected, but it's a little on the upscale side for my tastes. The atmosphere makes it perfect for business meetings or outings with the girlfriend, but the mediocre dances and the lack of privacy mean that degenerates like me would be better off saving the cash for a shadier club.
TOTAL SCORE = 47.5
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Ten's Show Club (Salisbury, MA)
Quality of dances (2/20) – The dances here are a huge disappointment. Almost everything else about the club is average or better, but my hands were planted firmly at my sides and the girl never worked her way beyond mid-thigh.
Quality of dancers (5/10) – I know someone who now refers to the Ten's as the Fours, reflecting the club's fall from grace in dancer quality. I don't think it's quite that bad, but I can't rate them above average these days. The dancers' bodies are still tight, but it seems that most of the pretty faces have left for greener pastures. This is especially depressing because the Ten's used to have some of the best talent in Massachusetts. There is one caveat: because this is a beachfront club, it's very possible that the hotties leave for the winter because of slowed business and then roll back in when the sun comes out. I'll give it another shot in June and see if that hypothesis is supported.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – When I was here last year on a Friday evening, the club was overflowing with dancers; there were at least as many dancers as customers. Last night, however, the ratio was less favorable. Perhaps 12-15 dancers were working, which is a light workforce for a club of this size.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - With the exception of a few exotic outliers, the vast majority of women here are white. Still, there's a wide enough variety of body types and hair colors to keep anyone interested.
Attitude of dancers (7.5/10) – It's rare to find girls at this classy of a club who are this down to earth. They don't mind spending some time with the customers, and the sales pitch is subtle or non-existent. One girl sat and talked to me for 20 minutes, and without trying to sell me on a dance, eventually said, "I guess I should get back to work now," then left to talk to other customers. I know she was working when she was talking to me too, but it's a nice approach that more girls should use. Also, despite there being little contact at the stage (see the Value score below), dancers tend to be very interactive and playful up there, which is fun.
Value (3/10) – The cover and the drinks are steep at $10 ($5 before 7 PM and $15 after 9 PM) and $6 (Miller Lite, of course) respectively, and there's not much contact at the stage or in the dances. The lap dances are $20, but they're no different than the $10 table dances.
Dance Setup (2/10) – You can either sit in a chair in the back of the club or in a chair on the 2nd floor. There aren't usually many people on the 2nd floor, so it could be worse, but the dance setup it still pretty bad.
Club Setup (9/10) – This is a large circular club with a bar around about half of the outside of the circle. There's a large clover-leaf stage in the center of the club, and it's surrounded by plenty of tables and chairs. The second floor is mainly set up for viewing the three huge televisions on the wall, but there's also a balcony that overlooks the main stage. I didn't see the third floor, but apparently it's usually available for private parties. Ignoring the shitty dance setup, the rest of this club has by far the best design of any club in the state, and is one of the most well-designed clubs I've ever been to.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – For an upscale club, this place actually still has a fairly relaxed atmosphere. In addition to the friendly dancers, there are always massage girls and often groups of curious women who wander in from the beach. The pole dancing used to be superb, but it appears to have taken a turn for the worse. Preston is still making it happen up there, as are a couple of other women.However, they're the exception these days, not the rule.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – Salisbury isn't really close to anything else, but if you're going to Salisbury beach, the club is right beside it.
Overall – Ten's Show Club is by far the best upscale club in Massachusetts. The dances are legitimately awful and the drinks are overpriced, but those are my only real complaints about the place. If you want to introduce a girl to strip clubs or are in the mood to look but not touch, there really isn't a better option in Massachusetts.
TOTAL SCORE = 47
Quality of dancers (5/10) – I know someone who now refers to the Ten's as the Fours, reflecting the club's fall from grace in dancer quality. I don't think it's quite that bad, but I can't rate them above average these days. The dancers' bodies are still tight, but it seems that most of the pretty faces have left for greener pastures. This is especially depressing because the Ten's used to have some of the best talent in Massachusetts. There is one caveat: because this is a beachfront club, it's very possible that the hotties leave for the winter because of slowed business and then roll back in when the sun comes out. I'll give it another shot in June and see if that hypothesis is supported.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – When I was here last year on a Friday evening, the club was overflowing with dancers; there were at least as many dancers as customers. Last night, however, the ratio was less favorable. Perhaps 12-15 dancers were working, which is a light workforce for a club of this size.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - With the exception of a few exotic outliers, the vast majority of women here are white. Still, there's a wide enough variety of body types and hair colors to keep anyone interested.
Attitude of dancers (7.5/10) – It's rare to find girls at this classy of a club who are this down to earth. They don't mind spending some time with the customers, and the sales pitch is subtle or non-existent. One girl sat and talked to me for 20 minutes, and without trying to sell me on a dance, eventually said, "I guess I should get back to work now," then left to talk to other customers. I know she was working when she was talking to me too, but it's a nice approach that more girls should use. Also, despite there being little contact at the stage (see the Value score below), dancers tend to be very interactive and playful up there, which is fun.
Value (3/10) – The cover and the drinks are steep at $10 ($5 before 7 PM and $15 after 9 PM) and $6 (Miller Lite, of course) respectively, and there's not much contact at the stage or in the dances. The lap dances are $20, but they're no different than the $10 table dances.
Dance Setup (2/10) – You can either sit in a chair in the back of the club or in a chair on the 2nd floor. There aren't usually many people on the 2nd floor, so it could be worse, but the dance setup it still pretty bad.
Club Setup (9/10) – This is a large circular club with a bar around about half of the outside of the circle. There's a large clover-leaf stage in the center of the club, and it's surrounded by plenty of tables and chairs. The second floor is mainly set up for viewing the three huge televisions on the wall, but there's also a balcony that overlooks the main stage. I didn't see the third floor, but apparently it's usually available for private parties. Ignoring the shitty dance setup, the rest of this club has by far the best design of any club in the state, and is one of the most well-designed clubs I've ever been to.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – For an upscale club, this place actually still has a fairly relaxed atmosphere. In addition to the friendly dancers, there are always massage girls and often groups of curious women who wander in from the beach. The pole dancing used to be superb, but it appears to have taken a turn for the worse. Preston is still making it happen up there, as are a couple of other women.However, they're the exception these days, not the rule.
Club Accessibility (3/5) – Salisbury isn't really close to anything else, but if you're going to Salisbury beach, the club is right beside it.
Overall – Ten's Show Club is by far the best upscale club in Massachusetts. The dances are legitimately awful and the drinks are overpriced, but those are my only real complaints about the place. If you want to introduce a girl to strip clubs or are in the mood to look but not touch, there really isn't a better option in Massachusetts.
TOTAL SCORE = 47
Monday, February 14, 2011
Charlie Sheen+Barbie+Reinforced Bras+Christianity+Belly Dancing = Peter Tips?
Now usually I don't do this (what with my blogging having the regularity of a German Bahnhof), but I can't help but break the rhythm of my regularly-scheduled posting today.
I was looking at the blog this morning and happened to check out the Amazon Contextual Product Ads that sit along the right-hand side. I typically don't pay any attention to that stuff and just added the functionality because I figured it might make me money (note to self: it doesn't).
Anyway, after looking at today's crop of ads, I can't figure out if the ad-choosing algorithm writers are mad geniuses, high-functioning potheads, or monkeys throwing feces at a dartboard.
Here's what we've got for sale on the big board:
The Third Season of Two and a Half Men on DVD
This just cracks me up. Ladies and gentlemen, witness the power of Charlie Sheen. This guy is such a cracked-out, porn star obsessed, fivesome-loving degenerate that his aura can cause America's number one comedy, watched by millions of families every week, to be featured on a strip club review blog.
"Hmm, let's see, these readers are into paying women to flash their pierced bajingos and bleached backdoors at close range while drinking cheap light beer and hanging out in dimly-lit rooms with gentlemen who may or may not be prime candidates for To Catch a Predator. What else do they love? What...else...do...they...love? Boom! Charlie Sheen!"
Two other questions:
First, if not for Mr. Sheen's recent antics, do you think this ad would have found its way onto the blog? I'm not so sure, which makes me think that this ad algorithm might actually comb internet news stories and cross-reference word choices with those in this blog (stripper, cocaine, porn, blowjob, etc.). Amazing.
Second, why season 3? There are 8 seasons of Two and a Half Men. Season 3 came out on DVD in like 2006. What is it about that season that screams Peter Tips today? I'm not sure we'll ever know, but I'd be interested in hearing hypotheses.
Three Dancers One Dance: Vision and Practicalities of Small Christian Communities and Groups
This actually pops up in the ad as just Three Dancers One Dance, which made me think that it had some potential. I was a little nervous that it might be the next iteration of Two Girls One Cup, so at first I was hesitant to click the link, but ultimately I went for it. As it turns out, the actual product is far more offensive to me than Two Girls One Cup could ever be.
Honestly, even after reading the book's description, I can't even figure out what it's about. It appears to be a guide for "running" Christian communities, whatever the fuck that means. It claims to "enrich and open new horizons for groups of all kinds, not least of those youth (emphasis added)." Crrreeeeeeeeepy. That shit sounds like How to Start a Cult in Ten Easy Steps.
I can only assume this link is here to give Amazon the appearance of some sort of neutral advertising balance, even where it's totally worthless and unnecessary (kind of like how cable news networks used to bring in Ann Coulter to give an opinion on the issues of the day).
Posture Perfect Back Support Brace
This is tremendous, much like the tits it's designed to support. That's what this is for, right? "Widely used by equestrians," my ass. This bad boy exists for all the naturally big-busted women in the world that I love, to save them from the inevitable back problems associated with their gift from God. Thanks for reading and understanding my tastes, Amazon polynomial. It's like we've known each other forever.
Step-by-Step BellyDance DVD with Leilainia
Okay, this one makes sense. It's obviously for dudes who don't have the balls to buy pole-dancing lessons for their wives...yet. I understand. You've gotta to ease into that stuff. You can't be all: "Hey honey, look what I got you for Valentine's Day. A series of really expensive classes that will help you look and move more like all of those women who I spend 10% of our income on every week." You've gotta have a helluva cool wife to pull that shit off up front.
This DVD lets you start the transition. "No, it's not stripping, it's belly dancing, a Middle Eastern tradition practiced for 200 years. You're such a great dancer already, and this will be a fun way to learn something that you've never tried before. I've heard it's very empowering. And you can do it right here at home."
By the way, Leilainia is hot. Smoking hot. So much that I may just go ahead and purchase this DVD for myself. That's not a bad way to spend $16, is it? Is it bad that I'm so obsessed with women and consumerism that I can't even avoid spending money on the ads generated by my own blog?
Princess Genevieve Barbie Doll
Priceless. Who's being targeted here? Dancers who always wanted to be princesses? Their daughters? The daughters of customers? Doll collectors? Child molesters? All of the above?
By the way, fuck Barbie Dolls. Real women have curves. Real curves. And natural tits. And lap dance asses. And dark skin. And dark hair that doesn't run 3/4 of the way down their back. I know Mattel has moved towards more diverse models for their Barbies, but is that really anything more than a hollow gesture?
Also, $54.98? For a Barbie Doll? Only if it's filled with fine Colombian yayo. For that price, I could get one and a half seasons of Two and a Half Men and still have a few bucks left over to tip at the stage. Easy decision.
That's all I've got.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone.
I hope you're either getting laid or getting paid tonight. Either way, good luck.
I was looking at the blog this morning and happened to check out the Amazon Contextual Product Ads that sit along the right-hand side. I typically don't pay any attention to that stuff and just added the functionality because I figured it might make me money (note to self: it doesn't).
Anyway, after looking at today's crop of ads, I can't figure out if the ad-choosing algorithm writers are mad geniuses, high-functioning potheads, or monkeys throwing feces at a dartboard.
Here's what we've got for sale on the big board:
The Third Season of Two and a Half Men on DVD
This just cracks me up. Ladies and gentlemen, witness the power of Charlie Sheen. This guy is such a cracked-out, porn star obsessed, fivesome-loving degenerate that his aura can cause America's number one comedy, watched by millions of families every week, to be featured on a strip club review blog.
"Hmm, let's see, these readers are into paying women to flash their pierced bajingos and bleached backdoors at close range while drinking cheap light beer and hanging out in dimly-lit rooms with gentlemen who may or may not be prime candidates for To Catch a Predator. What else do they love? What...else...do...they...love? Boom! Charlie Sheen!"
Two other questions:
First, if not for Mr. Sheen's recent antics, do you think this ad would have found its way onto the blog? I'm not so sure, which makes me think that this ad algorithm might actually comb internet news stories and cross-reference word choices with those in this blog (stripper, cocaine, porn, blowjob, etc.). Amazing.
Second, why season 3? There are 8 seasons of Two and a Half Men. Season 3 came out on DVD in like 2006. What is it about that season that screams Peter Tips today? I'm not sure we'll ever know, but I'd be interested in hearing hypotheses.
Three Dancers One Dance: Vision and Practicalities of Small Christian Communities and Groups
This actually pops up in the ad as just Three Dancers One Dance, which made me think that it had some potential. I was a little nervous that it might be the next iteration of Two Girls One Cup, so at first I was hesitant to click the link, but ultimately I went for it. As it turns out, the actual product is far more offensive to me than Two Girls One Cup could ever be.
Honestly, even after reading the book's description, I can't even figure out what it's about. It appears to be a guide for "running" Christian communities, whatever the fuck that means. It claims to "enrich and open new horizons for groups of all kinds, not least of those youth (emphasis added)." Crrreeeeeeeeepy. That shit sounds like How to Start a Cult in Ten Easy Steps.
I can only assume this link is here to give Amazon the appearance of some sort of neutral advertising balance, even where it's totally worthless and unnecessary (kind of like how cable news networks used to bring in Ann Coulter to give an opinion on the issues of the day).
Posture Perfect Back Support Brace
This is tremendous, much like the tits it's designed to support. That's what this is for, right? "Widely used by equestrians," my ass. This bad boy exists for all the naturally big-busted women in the world that I love, to save them from the inevitable back problems associated with their gift from God. Thanks for reading and understanding my tastes, Amazon polynomial. It's like we've known each other forever.
Step-by-Step BellyDance DVD with Leilainia
Okay, this one makes sense. It's obviously for dudes who don't have the balls to buy pole-dancing lessons for their wives...yet. I understand. You've gotta to ease into that stuff. You can't be all: "Hey honey, look what I got you for Valentine's Day. A series of really expensive classes that will help you look and move more like all of those women who I spend 10% of our income on every week." You've gotta have a helluva cool wife to pull that shit off up front.
This DVD lets you start the transition. "No, it's not stripping, it's belly dancing, a Middle Eastern tradition practiced for 200 years. You're such a great dancer already, and this will be a fun way to learn something that you've never tried before. I've heard it's very empowering. And you can do it right here at home."
By the way, Leilainia is hot. Smoking hot. So much that I may just go ahead and purchase this DVD for myself. That's not a bad way to spend $16, is it? Is it bad that I'm so obsessed with women and consumerism that I can't even avoid spending money on the ads generated by my own blog?
Princess Genevieve Barbie Doll
Priceless. Who's being targeted here? Dancers who always wanted to be princesses? Their daughters? The daughters of customers? Doll collectors? Child molesters? All of the above?
By the way, fuck Barbie Dolls. Real women have curves. Real curves. And natural tits. And lap dance asses. And dark skin. And dark hair that doesn't run 3/4 of the way down their back. I know Mattel has moved towards more diverse models for their Barbies, but is that really anything more than a hollow gesture?
Also, $54.98? For a Barbie Doll? Only if it's filled with fine Colombian yayo. For that price, I could get one and a half seasons of Two and a Half Men and still have a few bucks left over to tip at the stage. Easy decision.
That's all I've got.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone.
I hope you're either getting laid or getting paid tonight. Either way, good luck.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Key Club Cabaret (New Haven, CT)
Note: The Key Club Cabaret was previously the Crazy Horse, but had to change their name due to a trademark dispute with the Vegas Crazy Horse. Previously, this was Stage Door Johnny's/Back Stage Johnny's.
Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls being fairly tame and some girls making a solid attempt to get the job done. Still, even most of the more tame girls have a few moves to make a dance worthwhile. Also, the dances here are usually nude if you stick around for multiple songs, though that's not a huge plus in my book due to the risk of having to get my dress pants dry-cleaned. A few girls have indicated that extras are available in the VIP area, but I haven't had $100+ to see if they're true to their word.
Quality of Dancers (5/10) – If you haven't been here since it was Johnny's, you should be pleased, because the quality has gone up significantly under new ownership. It's still rare to see any girls that I'd rate above an 8 and there are a few who are way past their sell-by date, but the majority of girls are now in the 5-7 range. Normally that would be worth around a 6, but I had to knock them down a point for having two "girls" that I'm fairly certain are post-op trannies. Maybe they're just strong-jawed ladies, but in either case, why would a club hire dancers who even beg that question?
Number of Dancers (6/10) – In the early evenings, there aren't usually a whole lot of dancers or customers. The lack of customers means that you'll have your pick of the litter, but the lack of dancers means that you still might not have much quality to chose from. Later in the evening, the number of dancers goes up much quicker than the number of customers, so there might be 2 dancers for every customer if you get here at the right time, and even if you don't, you shouldn't have a hard time getting a girl's attention for a dance. The only time that I've had a real problem was on a Sunday afternoon when there were no dancers, but the manager bought a few rounds of drinks for everyone who was there and the bartendress stepped up to offer lap dances. It still wasn't ideal, but I admire a club that at least makes the effort to make up for its shortcomings.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – The Key Club has a mix of black and white dancers and they've got more than enough size variation, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. For whatever reason, the black girls here were usually somewhat hotter than the white ones when this was Johnny's, but that trend seems to be slowly reversing recently.
Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – On multiple occasions, girls have been happy to show me around the club including the VIP dance area even without me asking, and most of them are friendly whether they're on stage or just sitting around bullshitting with customers. This seems like the type of place where's you'd run into some strung out girls, but that hasn't been my experience at all. I did once have to help a girl stay on her chair because she was falling down drunk, but otherwise, these girls seem to be fairly well put together.
Value (3/10) – There's a $10 cover after 6pm that gets you into both clubs and the $5 beers, $25 dances and moderate stage value are all ok, but there are much better values to be found elsewhere in Connecticut. I love lap dances, and these ones are pretty solid, but I have a hard time ever justifying more than one or two when they cost more than $20 each. Thankfully, some of the girls drop the price to $20 per dance after the first one since the club isn't taking a cut of that extra cash, so you should always ask about that before you agree to a dance if you're considering staying for multiple songs.
Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance booths from Johnny's are gone, so even though the dance area is classier now, it's not nearly as private. Still, it isn't terrible since there are two separate bench areas on the nude side of the club, and you can't see those areas unless you're in them. The ladies make sure to take you to the second bench area if there's already a guy in the first one, so you get an area to yourself as long as only one or two customers are getting dances at a time. Any more than that though, and it gets cramped and loses all privacy really quickly. If you're willing to drop the cash for the VIP dances, you'll go around the corner to a row of decent sized individual rooms with a large comfy couch in each. They don't have doors on the booths, but no one will see you unless they're going for a private dance, so it's still pretty solid if you're looking to get a little intimate.
Club Setup (4/10) – The new owners have put a lot of money into this place and it's certainly a huge improvement over the way it was before, but something is still missing. The topless side has a long bar that fills up quickly, a long bench style couch along the far side wall, and a large stage. The stage is reasonably nice overall, but it has one annoying flaw - it doesn't have a lower shelf or ledge where you can sit your drink, so you're choices are to awkwardly hold your beverage or to sit it right on the stage. Not a huge problem, but who knew they even make stages without a place to sit drinks? The nude side doesn't really seem to be a popular place to hang out, but it also has a decent stage with some chairs around it. I think the topless side needs some tables and booths to make it better for groups, because I really can't see coming here with more than one or two other guys.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The setup has become more upscale, but the old dive bar atmosphere still shows through. I imagine that it will eventually be fairly nice, but for now, it's kind of in that awkward zone where it's too classy to be a dive but too shitty to be classy. I could also see it getting rougher later at night, but the crowd has always been alright while I've been there.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The Key Club is very close to I-91, isn't too far from I-95, and is within walking distance of some of the best pizza in the U.S. over on Wooster Street. If you're from the area, I'm sure that you already have your preference and I know better than to try to change your mind, but if you're just passing through, I'd have to recommend Frank Pepe's if you're interested in toppings and Sally's if you're going for plain cheese. You can't go wrong either way though.
Overall – The Key Club is already the best club, by far, in New Haven. It may not be great, but the dances are very good and everything else is solid if you can overlook the varied quality of dancers. I'm guessing that the dancer quality will go up over time, but for now, that prevents me from adding it to my Connecticut rotation. Overall, it's about on par with Keepers in Milford, and even though I'd still probably chose Centerfolds in Berlin over the Key Club, the Key Club has become a very reasonable option if you're in New Haven and time is limited.
TOTAL SCORE = 51
Quality of Dances (14.5/20) – There's a huge variation from one girl to the next, with some girls being fairly tame and some girls making a solid attempt to get the job done. Still, even most of the more tame girls have a few moves to make a dance worthwhile. Also, the dances here are usually nude if you stick around for multiple songs, though that's not a huge plus in my book due to the risk of having to get my dress pants dry-cleaned. A few girls have indicated that extras are available in the VIP area, but I haven't had $100+ to see if they're true to their word.
Quality of Dancers (5/10) – If you haven't been here since it was Johnny's, you should be pleased, because the quality has gone up significantly under new ownership. It's still rare to see any girls that I'd rate above an 8 and there are a few who are way past their sell-by date, but the majority of girls are now in the 5-7 range. Normally that would be worth around a 6, but I had to knock them down a point for having two "girls" that I'm fairly certain are post-op trannies. Maybe they're just strong-jawed ladies, but in either case, why would a club hire dancers who even beg that question?
Number of Dancers (6/10) – In the early evenings, there aren't usually a whole lot of dancers or customers. The lack of customers means that you'll have your pick of the litter, but the lack of dancers means that you still might not have much quality to chose from. Later in the evening, the number of dancers goes up much quicker than the number of customers, so there might be 2 dancers for every customer if you get here at the right time, and even if you don't, you shouldn't have a hard time getting a girl's attention for a dance. The only time that I've had a real problem was on a Sunday afternoon when there were no dancers, but the manager bought a few rounds of drinks for everyone who was there and the bartendress stepped up to offer lap dances. It still wasn't ideal, but I admire a club that at least makes the effort to make up for its shortcomings.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – The Key Club has a mix of black and white dancers and they've got more than enough size variation, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. For whatever reason, the black girls here were usually somewhat hotter than the white ones when this was Johnny's, but that trend seems to be slowly reversing recently.
Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – On multiple occasions, girls have been happy to show me around the club including the VIP dance area even without me asking, and most of them are friendly whether they're on stage or just sitting around bullshitting with customers. This seems like the type of place where's you'd run into some strung out girls, but that hasn't been my experience at all. I did once have to help a girl stay on her chair because she was falling down drunk, but otherwise, these girls seem to be fairly well put together.
Value (3/10) – There's a $10 cover after 6pm that gets you into both clubs and the $5 beers, $25 dances and moderate stage value are all ok, but there are much better values to be found elsewhere in Connecticut. I love lap dances, and these ones are pretty solid, but I have a hard time ever justifying more than one or two when they cost more than $20 each. Thankfully, some of the girls drop the price to $20 per dance after the first one since the club isn't taking a cut of that extra cash, so you should always ask about that before you agree to a dance if you're considering staying for multiple songs.
Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance booths from Johnny's are gone, so even though the dance area is classier now, it's not nearly as private. Still, it isn't terrible since there are two separate bench areas on the nude side of the club, and you can't see those areas unless you're in them. The ladies make sure to take you to the second bench area if there's already a guy in the first one, so you get an area to yourself as long as only one or two customers are getting dances at a time. Any more than that though, and it gets cramped and loses all privacy really quickly. If you're willing to drop the cash for the VIP dances, you'll go around the corner to a row of decent sized individual rooms with a large comfy couch in each. They don't have doors on the booths, but no one will see you unless they're going for a private dance, so it's still pretty solid if you're looking to get a little intimate.
Club Setup (4/10) – The new owners have put a lot of money into this place and it's certainly a huge improvement over the way it was before, but something is still missing. The topless side has a long bar that fills up quickly, a long bench style couch along the far side wall, and a large stage. The stage is reasonably nice overall, but it has one annoying flaw - it doesn't have a lower shelf or ledge where you can sit your drink, so you're choices are to awkwardly hold your beverage or to sit it right on the stage. Not a huge problem, but who knew they even make stages without a place to sit drinks? The nude side doesn't really seem to be a popular place to hang out, but it also has a decent stage with some chairs around it. I think the topless side needs some tables and booths to make it better for groups, because I really can't see coming here with more than one or two other guys.
Club Atmosphere (3/10) – The setup has become more upscale, but the old dive bar atmosphere still shows through. I imagine that it will eventually be fairly nice, but for now, it's kind of in that awkward zone where it's too classy to be a dive but too shitty to be classy. I could also see it getting rougher later at night, but the crowd has always been alright while I've been there.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The Key Club is very close to I-91, isn't too far from I-95, and is within walking distance of some of the best pizza in the U.S. over on Wooster Street. If you're from the area, I'm sure that you already have your preference and I know better than to try to change your mind, but if you're just passing through, I'd have to recommend Frank Pepe's if you're interested in toppings and Sally's if you're going for plain cheese. You can't go wrong either way though.
Overall – The Key Club is already the best club, by far, in New Haven. It may not be great, but the dances are very good and everything else is solid if you can overlook the varied quality of dancers. I'm guessing that the dancer quality will go up over time, but for now, that prevents me from adding it to my Connecticut rotation. Overall, it's about on par with Keepers in Milford, and even though I'd still probably chose Centerfolds in Berlin over the Key Club, the Key Club has become a very reasonable option if you're in New Haven and time is limited.
TOTAL SCORE = 51
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Gin Dee's (West Haven, CT)
Quality of Dances (5.5/20) – The girls make some contact with customers and a halfhearted grind is pretty standard, but two way contact is not encouraged. No one has protested when I've put my hands on their legs, but I don't get the impression that anything beyond that is tolerated with most of these girls.
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – I feel bad being too harsh here because the bright lighting makes the flaws more visible than they'd be most places, but either way, there are plenty of flaws here. I know that some guys are into tattooed chicks, but there's way too much ink in here for my tastes, and a lot of the girls just look generally sloppy.
Number of Dancers (3/10) – They've had less than a half dozen girls dancing every time I've been there, though I'm pleased to say that hasn't been all that often. Still, there aren't a whole lot of customers so the ratio isn't too bad.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – They have about an equal number of black and white dancers with every size from meth addict thin to borderline-obese represented. If it weren't for the fact that most of the variety is just variations of ugly, this score would be at least a point higher.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of these girls are reasonably friendly and they really spend a lot of time chatting with the regulars, even if no one is spending money. That would usually annoy me since I'm not a regular, but for the most part, I'm just thankful that other guys have kept these ladies away from me.
Value (4/10) – The $5 cover, $4 domestic beers and stage value aren't too bad, especially since a lot of the girls flash the puss on stage despite it only being a topless club. The dances are where they lose it though, since they charge $25 even though the service isn't worth half that.
Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are given in a small area towards the back of the club where there are four horribly uncomfortable chairs. That wouldn't be so bad, but they face towards each other, there are no barriers and there are mirrors on both sides, so it's almost impossible not to watch everyone else get dances. The only positive is that people at the bar can't see you.
Club Setup (2/10) – This place is a lot bigger on the inside that you'd realize from driving by, but they really don't need or make use of all of the space that they've got. The stage in particular is needlessly large, with no more than one girl dancing (or wiggling, as the case may be) at a time. I guess the draw is the large bar and the pool tables, but just like with girls, you see all the flaws in this place thanks to the bright lighting.
Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The crowd can be a little shady and this place is just generally depressing, but it's not as bad it would be if it were darker. It really is a catch 22 for them though - turn up the lights and the girls look like shit, or turn down the lights and depress the hell out of everyone.
Club Accessibility (2/5) - Gin Dee's isn't far from New Haven and they have plenty of parking, but you're going to have to drive to get there.
Overall – There are some bad clubs in and around New Haven, but Gin Dee's is probably the worst of them. If you're in the area and are desperate to go to a club, you're much better off driving the 10 minutes down I-95 to Keepers in Milford or heading into New Haven to the Crazy Horse.
TOTAL SCORE = 29
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Archibald's (Washington, D.C.)
Note: Despite being an East Coaster, I haven't spent much time in D.C., and during the little time that I have spent there, most of it was taken up by typical touristy shit. Up until last night, my only experience with D.C. strip clubs was being denied entry to Camelot during a visit maybe 5 years ago. The bouncer provided no justification for keeping us out, but I'm assuming it's because we looked like a bunch of kids with no money. I remember thinking what a dick move that was and swearing off D.C. clubs for life.
After I started this site, I figured I didn't have a choice but to give the city another chance...which brings us to last night. This review will be the first and last D.C. strip club review that I will ever write. I really don't even want to write it because it's such a waste of my time, but I'm hoping that by shitting on this city in the public domain, I can keep others away.
At this point, you're surely wondering what could possibly be so bad about these clubs? See below for a more detailed description, but it's pretty simple: THERE ARE NO LAP DANCES IN THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA!! WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!?!
Quality of Dances (0/20): I'm not even sure that this deserves a zero; I feel like it should be some sort of negative value. I goose-egged the Blue Moon Lounge in MA for giving air dances, but at least they're trying. Dances literally don't exist at this place (or anywhere in D.C.). I wish I could have seen the look on my face when one of the dancers filled me in on the policy. I think I would have been less shocked if she just walked up and kicked me in the nuts.
Of course, this begs the question: How do they make any money? That's where it gets worse: they tip-walk. But they don't just tip-walk the stage (see Club Setup for why that's impossible), they walk the entire club. And apparently, they make a killing. I was racking my brain trying to figure out 1) how it's possible for these girls to hustle up a decent roll without giving dances and 2) why, in God's name, anybody would go to a club without dances. Here's what I came up with.
D.C. is populated by an endless supply of wealthy, piece-of-shit, social-climbing jackoffs. Typically, these fuckheads are insecure assholes who prefer a stroke of their ego to a stroke of their cock. Also, they're the type of dicks that would frown upon lap dances as the province of the uncouth masses. For them, a naked hottie laughing at their jokes and confirming their status is like hardcore porn, and the benign nature of the interaction saves them from the cognitive dissonance associated with being a Serious Important Person who spends their time at houses of ill-repute. And so they don't mind slowly dropping a couple of bills over the course of a few hours if it makes them feel like the big, strong well-liked men that they aren't.
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) - That they don't give dances is only made worse by the fact that this place is filled with talent. Pretty faces, tight bodies and real tits abound at Archibald's; the consistency is impressive, with nobody really doing any damage to the overall average. The only thing preventing this score from scraping the rating ceiling is that there weren't any true I'd-empty-my-bank-account-for-you types. If you know my reviews, then you know that I don't go for those girls anyway, but it's still nice to have them around for the viewing pleasure.
Number of Dancers (6.5/10) - The club's voice mail message boasts that 20 dancers work weekdays and 24 work the weekends, but I think they were a little short of that on this Saturday night at 6 PM. I saw perhaps 12-15 dancers, which is still a decent number for a club this small. If they truly put up 20+, then this score should probably be closer to an 8; I can't ever imagine a bad dancer to customer ratio with that number.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - Almost exclusively American white women here (with an Asian girl mixed in), which isn't surprising given the expected clientele. They score a couple of points for having great variety in body type, ranging from Salma Hayek curves to Natalie Portman angles.
Attitude of Dancers (8/10) - The job of these women is more akin to that of a Geisha than a stripper, so it's no shock that they all seem to have great attitudes. I can't say that I have a huge sample size, but the handful of dancers that I talked to were courteous, cool, and even pulled off their tip-walks without much awkwardness, which is a tall task indeed.
Value (3/10) - Only a D.C. club could score a 3 in value while never charging a cover. Miller Lites are $7 ($7.70 after tax), which isn't a Spearmint-Rhino-like $12 stickup, but isn't anything to be proud of. Dance value is non-existent, for reasons already stated, and stage value also doesn't exist (through no fault of the women; see Club Setup below).
Dance Setup (0/10) - Without dances, there can be no dance setup. Automatic zero.
Club Setup (2.5/10) - This is a below-ground club with a bar lining one side, several tables on the opposite wall and a few other tables across the floor. It's only about 20 feet wide and the ceilings are low, making it cramped in feel and difficult to navigate in function. It's also almost impossible to have any type of privacy, because every point in the club has a direct sight line to every other point. There is no proper stage to speak of. Instead, there are two slightly raised platforms (maybe 6 inches off the ground) that are a few feet wide and a few feet deep and sit against a mirrored wall. One is in the middle of the club and one is on the far side when you walk in. Each platform contains a pole and a pullup bar mounted on the ceiling, and there is no physical separation from the rest of the club. They resemble the type of thing a go-go dancer would perform on, but just much closer to the ground and closed off on one side by the wall.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) - Generally, the atmosphere here isn't bad if you're into a low-key vibe. It definitely has a classier feel than most clubs I've ever been to, similar to DiCarlo's Lounge in Albany, NY. When you walk in, you're greeted and seated by a bouncer, who informs you that cell phone use is strictly forbidden inside the club. There's no DJ, so you don't get that booming voice, and the girls don't pick their music. All music is spun from the jukebox, over which customers have control. When I was there, I didn't hear any awful choices, but I can see how giving control to patrons could badly backfire.
The real atmospheric problem here is driven by the club setup and the associated tipping issues. If you want to tip someone on the "stage," you can't just roll up, have a seat, fold your bill in half and wait. Instead, because of these weird spaces that they've set up, you have to walk up and literally stand in front of the dancer eye-to-eye. You have some short interaction and then put a bill in her g-string. Needless to say, this process is impossibly awkward for both the tipper and anyone else in the club watching. It's bad enough when you're seated close enough to a creeper that you feel his essence. Here, if you want to see the dancers, you've got to watch these guys in all their glory, standing just inches from a girl's face and engaging them. And of course, you can't go up there yourself because who wants to be that guy standing in the middle of the club getting eyed up by everyone in sight and blocking the view of the hottie. It's a total buzz kill.
Club Accessibility (5/5) - Located on K Street and just a few minute walk from the Red, Orange and Blue Metro lines (and the White House), it's hard to conceive of a better location than what Archibald's offers.
Overall - Archibald's is a gentleman's club in its purest form. You're not gonna get fired up at this place with your boys and rip tequila shots with some crazy-fun stripper. I can't imagine ever holding a bachelor party here. Its purpose is to provide the aesthetic appeal and companionship of naked beauties over a decent lunch or dinner. Nothing more. If that's your thing, more power to you, but it most definitely is not mine, so you can have Archibald's. I'm never going back.
Total Score - 38
After I started this site, I figured I didn't have a choice but to give the city another chance...which brings us to last night. This review will be the first and last D.C. strip club review that I will ever write. I really don't even want to write it because it's such a waste of my time, but I'm hoping that by shitting on this city in the public domain, I can keep others away.
At this point, you're surely wondering what could possibly be so bad about these clubs? See below for a more detailed description, but it's pretty simple: THERE ARE NO LAP DANCES IN THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA!! WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!?!
Quality of Dances (0/20): I'm not even sure that this deserves a zero; I feel like it should be some sort of negative value. I goose-egged the Blue Moon Lounge in MA for giving air dances, but at least they're trying. Dances literally don't exist at this place (or anywhere in D.C.). I wish I could have seen the look on my face when one of the dancers filled me in on the policy. I think I would have been less shocked if she just walked up and kicked me in the nuts.
Of course, this begs the question: How do they make any money? That's where it gets worse: they tip-walk. But they don't just tip-walk the stage (see Club Setup for why that's impossible), they walk the entire club. And apparently, they make a killing. I was racking my brain trying to figure out 1) how it's possible for these girls to hustle up a decent roll without giving dances and 2) why, in God's name, anybody would go to a club without dances. Here's what I came up with.
D.C. is populated by an endless supply of wealthy, piece-of-shit, social-climbing jackoffs. Typically, these fuckheads are insecure assholes who prefer a stroke of their ego to a stroke of their cock. Also, they're the type of dicks that would frown upon lap dances as the province of the uncouth masses. For them, a naked hottie laughing at their jokes and confirming their status is like hardcore porn, and the benign nature of the interaction saves them from the cognitive dissonance associated with being a Serious Important Person who spends their time at houses of ill-repute. And so they don't mind slowly dropping a couple of bills over the course of a few hours if it makes them feel like the big, strong well-liked men that they aren't.
Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) - That they don't give dances is only made worse by the fact that this place is filled with talent. Pretty faces, tight bodies and real tits abound at Archibald's; the consistency is impressive, with nobody really doing any damage to the overall average. The only thing preventing this score from scraping the rating ceiling is that there weren't any true I'd-empty-my-bank-account-for-you types. If you know my reviews, then you know that I don't go for those girls anyway, but it's still nice to have them around for the viewing pleasure.
Number of Dancers (6.5/10) - The club's voice mail message boasts that 20 dancers work weekdays and 24 work the weekends, but I think they were a little short of that on this Saturday night at 6 PM. I saw perhaps 12-15 dancers, which is still a decent number for a club this small. If they truly put up 20+, then this score should probably be closer to an 8; I can't ever imagine a bad dancer to customer ratio with that number.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - Almost exclusively American white women here (with an Asian girl mixed in), which isn't surprising given the expected clientele. They score a couple of points for having great variety in body type, ranging from Salma Hayek curves to Natalie Portman angles.
Attitude of Dancers (8/10) - The job of these women is more akin to that of a Geisha than a stripper, so it's no shock that they all seem to have great attitudes. I can't say that I have a huge sample size, but the handful of dancers that I talked to were courteous, cool, and even pulled off their tip-walks without much awkwardness, which is a tall task indeed.
Value (3/10) - Only a D.C. club could score a 3 in value while never charging a cover. Miller Lites are $7 ($7.70 after tax), which isn't a Spearmint-Rhino-like $12 stickup, but isn't anything to be proud of. Dance value is non-existent, for reasons already stated, and stage value also doesn't exist (through no fault of the women; see Club Setup below).
Dance Setup (0/10) - Without dances, there can be no dance setup. Automatic zero.
Club Setup (2.5/10) - This is a below-ground club with a bar lining one side, several tables on the opposite wall and a few other tables across the floor. It's only about 20 feet wide and the ceilings are low, making it cramped in feel and difficult to navigate in function. It's also almost impossible to have any type of privacy, because every point in the club has a direct sight line to every other point. There is no proper stage to speak of. Instead, there are two slightly raised platforms (maybe 6 inches off the ground) that are a few feet wide and a few feet deep and sit against a mirrored wall. One is in the middle of the club and one is on the far side when you walk in. Each platform contains a pole and a pullup bar mounted on the ceiling, and there is no physical separation from the rest of the club. They resemble the type of thing a go-go dancer would perform on, but just much closer to the ground and closed off on one side by the wall.
Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) - Generally, the atmosphere here isn't bad if you're into a low-key vibe. It definitely has a classier feel than most clubs I've ever been to, similar to DiCarlo's Lounge in Albany, NY. When you walk in, you're greeted and seated by a bouncer, who informs you that cell phone use is strictly forbidden inside the club. There's no DJ, so you don't get that booming voice, and the girls don't pick their music. All music is spun from the jukebox, over which customers have control. When I was there, I didn't hear any awful choices, but I can see how giving control to patrons could badly backfire.
The real atmospheric problem here is driven by the club setup and the associated tipping issues. If you want to tip someone on the "stage," you can't just roll up, have a seat, fold your bill in half and wait. Instead, because of these weird spaces that they've set up, you have to walk up and literally stand in front of the dancer eye-to-eye. You have some short interaction and then put a bill in her g-string. Needless to say, this process is impossibly awkward for both the tipper and anyone else in the club watching. It's bad enough when you're seated close enough to a creeper that you feel his essence. Here, if you want to see the dancers, you've got to watch these guys in all their glory, standing just inches from a girl's face and engaging them. And of course, you can't go up there yourself because who wants to be that guy standing in the middle of the club getting eyed up by everyone in sight and blocking the view of the hottie. It's a total buzz kill.
Club Accessibility (5/5) - Located on K Street and just a few minute walk from the Red, Orange and Blue Metro lines (and the White House), it's hard to conceive of a better location than what Archibald's offers.
Overall - Archibald's is a gentleman's club in its purest form. You're not gonna get fired up at this place with your boys and rip tequila shots with some crazy-fun stripper. I can't imagine ever holding a bachelor party here. Its purpose is to provide the aesthetic appeal and companionship of naked beauties over a decent lunch or dinner. Nothing more. If that's your thing, more power to you, but it most definitely is not mine, so you can have Archibald's. I'm never going back.
Total Score - 38
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Gold Club Groton (Groton, CT)
Quality of Dances (7/20) – There's huge variation from girl to girl, with some girls giving what amounts to little more than an airdance and other girls giving a really solid grind. Of course, the usual skin color correlation is in full effect. There are exceptions, but generally, the quality increases as the skin gets darker right up until the Brazilian bronze, then slightly tapers off after that. Like the Gold Club in Hartford, they've got some strange rules in this place, with dancers having to keep their feet on floor at all times. Also, they say that you can't touch the dancers, but hands on the legs seems to be fine.
Quality of Dancers (7/10) – I haven't seen any real models here, but almost all the ladies are decent and most are well above average.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – There are usually about a half dozen girls dancing in the afternoon, and many more than that later in the evening. By the night, it's crawling with women, but no matter when you visit, it shouldn't take you long at all to get the attention of an attractive lady or two.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – They've got a decent mix of white and Latina dancers a with a few black ones mixed in. In my somewhat limited experience at the Gold Club, there seems to be more Latinas during the day shift, which is why you're much more likely to find me here in the afternoon. There's some variation of body types with a few thicker black girls, but most of the ladies seem to be in pretty good shape.
Attitude of Dancers (5/10) – The bartendresses are really friendly and the dancers aren't bad to talk to, but more than one has asked me to prepay for a dance and that's brutal. Do they really think that people are going to get a dance and then walk off without paying? If so, they either have some really shady customers or give some really unsatisfying dances.
Value (3.5/10) – Beers are usually $4.75 but they have $3 specials and it's BYOB next door at the nude club (After Dark) after midnight. Dances aren't as good of a deal, however, at $25 each. My first few visits were during the day shift when there was no cover, then the bartender gave me a bunch of free admission passes, so I'm not sure how much the cover would usually be. It's $10 at their Hartford location, so I'm assuming that it's comparable to that here as well.
Dance Setup (3.5/10) – They give lap dances on individual bench style seats that look comfortable at first but really aren't. There's a small divider between the benches, but people who are across from you can still watch you if they want.
Club Setup (5/10) – The mouth shaped urinals are somewhat unique, but the rest of the club is fairly mediocre. The whole place is very dark and has a warehouse feel, but the lap dance area is strangely brighter than everywhere else. There are a bunch of 2 person tables scattered around the club, two small stages, a pool table in the back and a very large nice bar. It looks like a dump from the outside and isn't all that well thought out but it's actually kind of classy despite the warehouse look.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – The crowd is decent, but the 2-person tables and all the wide open space prevent it from being great for large or even medium sized groups. It seems to be a popular bachelor party destination on Saturday nights, so that may not be a great time to go if you're hoping to get lots of attention from the girls.
Club Accessibility (2/5) – The Gold Club isn't hard to get to from I-95, but you'll be driving to get there and to get home. Luckily, there's more than enough parking and there're some spots along the side so that everyone driving by won't see your car. There is, however, no discreet way to walk in the entrance in the front of the club.
Overall – The Gold Club Groton is a decent club. It's nothing that I'd go out of my way for, but it's a much better option than the Gold Club's Hartford location or Rose's Cantina down the street. If you've got time though, you'd be much better off driving the hour to Providence to have a really good time.
TOTAL SCORE = 48.5
Quality of Dancers (7/10) – I haven't seen any real models here, but almost all the ladies are decent and most are well above average.
Number of Dancers (7/10) – There are usually about a half dozen girls dancing in the afternoon, and many more than that later in the evening. By the night, it's crawling with women, but no matter when you visit, it shouldn't take you long at all to get the attention of an attractive lady or two.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – They've got a decent mix of white and Latina dancers a with a few black ones mixed in. In my somewhat limited experience at the Gold Club, there seems to be more Latinas during the day shift, which is why you're much more likely to find me here in the afternoon. There's some variation of body types with a few thicker black girls, but most of the ladies seem to be in pretty good shape.
Attitude of Dancers (5/10) – The bartendresses are really friendly and the dancers aren't bad to talk to, but more than one has asked me to prepay for a dance and that's brutal. Do they really think that people are going to get a dance and then walk off without paying? If so, they either have some really shady customers or give some really unsatisfying dances.
Value (3.5/10) – Beers are usually $4.75 but they have $3 specials and it's BYOB next door at the nude club (After Dark) after midnight. Dances aren't as good of a deal, however, at $25 each. My first few visits were during the day shift when there was no cover, then the bartender gave me a bunch of free admission passes, so I'm not sure how much the cover would usually be. It's $10 at their Hartford location, so I'm assuming that it's comparable to that here as well.
Dance Setup (3.5/10) – They give lap dances on individual bench style seats that look comfortable at first but really aren't. There's a small divider between the benches, but people who are across from you can still watch you if they want.
Club Setup (5/10) – The mouth shaped urinals are somewhat unique, but the rest of the club is fairly mediocre. The whole place is very dark and has a warehouse feel, but the lap dance area is strangely brighter than everywhere else. There are a bunch of 2 person tables scattered around the club, two small stages, a pool table in the back and a very large nice bar. It looks like a dump from the outside and isn't all that well thought out but it's actually kind of classy despite the warehouse look.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – The crowd is decent, but the 2-person tables and all the wide open space prevent it from being great for large or even medium sized groups. It seems to be a popular bachelor party destination on Saturday nights, so that may not be a great time to go if you're hoping to get lots of attention from the girls.
Club Accessibility (2/5) – The Gold Club isn't hard to get to from I-95, but you'll be driving to get there and to get home. Luckily, there's more than enough parking and there're some spots along the side so that everyone driving by won't see your car. There is, however, no discreet way to walk in the entrance in the front of the club.
Overall – The Gold Club Groton is a decent club. It's nothing that I'd go out of my way for, but it's a much better option than the Gold Club's Hartford location or Rose's Cantina down the street. If you've got time though, you'd be much better off driving the hour to Providence to have a really good time.
TOTAL SCORE = 48.5
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Club Risqué on the Delaware (Philadelphia, PA)
Quality of Dances (8/20) – Most of these girls give a fairly solid grind, and even though full two-way contact is not allowed, hands on the outsides of the legs is generally okay. Best of all, at least one of the girls really takes pride in her work, apologizing profusely because she noticed that I wasn't at full attention by the end of the dance. The fact that I'd been drinking moonshine and Yeungling all day had more to do with that that than anything that the girl did or didn't do, but it was still nice to know that she actually cares about customer satisfaction. Sadly, another girl pretty much undid that goodwill by ruining a dance with baby talk bullshit. It wasn't the first time that a dancer has put on that little girl voice with me, but this girl was way over the top with it, and even when it isn't as bad, it's still pretty lame. Creeps who get off on having little girls on their lap are more likely to be working in a department store as Santa Claus than to be in a strip club, so I don't know why so many dancers think it's a turn-on. I come to strip clubs for the women, so is it too much to ask for you to act like a grown-ass woman?
Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Most of these ladies are fairly cute, but for one of the most popular clubs in one of the biggest cities in the U.S., it's a bit of a letdown. Even though Philly's more famous for deliciously unhealthy food and overweight, angry sports fans than it is for attractive ladies, there are still more than enough around here to fill up a club with girls in the 7+ range, but Club Risqué just isn't getting the job done.
Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – I've only been here on weekend evenings, but there have always been lots of girls in the place. That's a good thing though, because it's a popular stop after sporting events, so it can get packed with customers and it can be somewhat tough to get a dance.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – This club isn't all that diverse for anywhere, but it's particularly monochromatic considering that it's in Philadelphia. I've seen a few black chicks and a few curves, but the vast majority of dancers in this joint are thin, white and, at least in my opinion, kind of boring.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – I realize that most strippers put on an act when they're in the club, but these ladies are particularly poor actors. They're friendly enough, but it takes away from it a little bit when you don't even get fooled into thinking that you saw a glimpse of the real person behind the g-string.
Value (3/10) – The stage value is lacking, but for a major city, $6 beer and $20 dances aren't all that bad. Plus, there's no cover if you have tickets to a sporting event or a hotel key card. It's kind of like how Vegas clubs waive the cover for locals because they respect their repeat customers, only the exact opposite. Since I've only been to Risqué after sporting events while in various states of drunkenness, I never remember exactly how much the cover would otherwise be, but I think it's somewhere in the $10-15 range.
Dance Setup (3/10) – There's a separate area off to the side of the main stage area in the back of the club where they take you for lap dances. Though there's no privacy back there, the individual comfy chairs do a lot to make up for it. Or maybe I just don't mind the lack of privacy as much as I usually would since I'm always too tanked to give a fuck.
Club Setup (4.5/10) – They've got a long narrow runway style stage down the center of the club and a raised area along the side with booths and chairs that are great for sight seeing.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – There's a very nice party vibe at Club Risqué, and if the dances were a little better, it wouldn't be a bad place at all to spend an evening.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Risqué isn't really walkable from anywhere, but it isn't far from center city or the sports complex by cab. You're probably looking at about a $10 ride from most of the city.
Overall – Club Risqué on the Delaware (they have other locations in the area that I've not yet visited) is better than Delilah's as far as the Philly upscale clubs go, and is generally a solid place to stop after a Sixers, Phillies or Flyers game. I wouldn't go out of my way to get here under normal circumstances, but sports, tits and beer are the perfect combination, so I usually try to make that happen when I'm in the area.
TOTAL SCORE = 45
Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – Most of these ladies are fairly cute, but for one of the most popular clubs in one of the biggest cities in the U.S., it's a bit of a letdown. Even though Philly's more famous for deliciously unhealthy food and overweight, angry sports fans than it is for attractive ladies, there are still more than enough around here to fill up a club with girls in the 7+ range, but Club Risqué just isn't getting the job done.
Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – I've only been here on weekend evenings, but there have always been lots of girls in the place. That's a good thing though, because it's a popular stop after sporting events, so it can get packed with customers and it can be somewhat tough to get a dance.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – This club isn't all that diverse for anywhere, but it's particularly monochromatic considering that it's in Philadelphia. I've seen a few black chicks and a few curves, but the vast majority of dancers in this joint are thin, white and, at least in my opinion, kind of boring.
Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – I realize that most strippers put on an act when they're in the club, but these ladies are particularly poor actors. They're friendly enough, but it takes away from it a little bit when you don't even get fooled into thinking that you saw a glimpse of the real person behind the g-string.
Value (3/10) – The stage value is lacking, but for a major city, $6 beer and $20 dances aren't all that bad. Plus, there's no cover if you have tickets to a sporting event or a hotel key card. It's kind of like how Vegas clubs waive the cover for locals because they respect their repeat customers, only the exact opposite. Since I've only been to Risqué after sporting events while in various states of drunkenness, I never remember exactly how much the cover would otherwise be, but I think it's somewhere in the $10-15 range.
Dance Setup (3/10) – There's a separate area off to the side of the main stage area in the back of the club where they take you for lap dances. Though there's no privacy back there, the individual comfy chairs do a lot to make up for it. Or maybe I just don't mind the lack of privacy as much as I usually would since I'm always too tanked to give a fuck.
Club Setup (4.5/10) – They've got a long narrow runway style stage down the center of the club and a raised area along the side with booths and chairs that are great for sight seeing.
Club Atmosphere (7/10) – There's a very nice party vibe at Club Risqué, and if the dances were a little better, it wouldn't be a bad place at all to spend an evening.
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – Risqué isn't really walkable from anywhere, but it isn't far from center city or the sports complex by cab. You're probably looking at about a $10 ride from most of the city.
Overall – Club Risqué on the Delaware (they have other locations in the area that I've not yet visited) is better than Delilah's as far as the Philly upscale clubs go, and is generally a solid place to stop after a Sixers, Phillies or Flyers game. I wouldn't go out of my way to get here under normal circumstances, but sports, tits and beer are the perfect combination, so I usually try to make that happen when I'm in the area.
TOTAL SCORE = 45
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Peek-A-Boo's Cafe (Waterbury, CT)
Quality of Dances (13/20) – The good news: "don't worry about the signs that say 'no touching.' You can grab my ass." The bad news: "Just don't let my boss see you. He's the big guy." As much as I enjoy being actively involved in a lap dance, none of these girls were hot enough to justify pissing off the "big guy." A lot of them are active with their hands over the pants, but it's generally just not worth spending money on girls that look like this.
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – There might be one or two tolerable girls, but most of these dancers look like they've seen better days despite never having been all that hot even in their primes. Too many drugs and/or too many meals have taken their tolls on these ladies.
Number of Dancers (2/10) – I don't think you'd ever have any problem getting a girl for a dance if you have very low standards, but that has more to do with the lack of customers than it does with the number of dancers. Some of the ladies in these place are so atrocious that I can't even factor them into this score, so you can probably add another point if you're just looking for warm bodies.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – The quality is low, but you can find black, white and Latina girls both big and small at Peek-A-Boo's.
Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – Other than a few girls who seemed to be a few stages beyond high, they were reasonably friendly. They rely on repeats, so they definitely try to keep the few customers that they have happy. The biggest drawback was that, because of the lack of customers, I did have to deal with a few clingy creatures.
Value (3/10) – There's never been a cover charge while I've been there, but $25 dances are too expensive and $5 for beers are on the high side for a dump like this. You can interact with the girls at the stage, though I kept my eyes on the TVs most of the time that I was in here.
Dance Setup (1.5/10) – Dances are given in a raised area in corner of club on undivided benches. If anyone else is getting a dance at the same time, it's awful. If not, everyone else in the club can still watch so it isn't all that much better
Club Setup (1/10) – There's a decent stage in middle of the club and a long bar at the one end, but just like its dancers, this club has seen better days.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This place just bums me out. These aren't girls who even bother pretending that they're trying to pay their way through college or make some easy spending money or earn cash for their families back in South America. For the most part, they're girls who are trying to finance their next fix. I never have and never will enjoy a club like this.
Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – This place isn't far from Mr. Happy's and is only a few minutes from downtown Waterbury, but you'll be driving to get there.
Overall – I'm not going to bother saying which is better between this place and Mr. Happy's, because that would be implying that either of them would be worth considering. I just can't think of any possible reason to ever go to Peek-A-Boo's. Strip clubs are supposed to make you feel good, and this one does just the opposite.
TOTAL SCORE = 32
Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – There might be one or two tolerable girls, but most of these dancers look like they've seen better days despite never having been all that hot even in their primes. Too many drugs and/or too many meals have taken their tolls on these ladies.
Number of Dancers (2/10) – I don't think you'd ever have any problem getting a girl for a dance if you have very low standards, but that has more to do with the lack of customers than it does with the number of dancers. Some of the ladies in these place are so atrocious that I can't even factor them into this score, so you can probably add another point if you're just looking for warm bodies.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – The quality is low, but you can find black, white and Latina girls both big and small at Peek-A-Boo's.
Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – Other than a few girls who seemed to be a few stages beyond high, they were reasonably friendly. They rely on repeats, so they definitely try to keep the few customers that they have happy. The biggest drawback was that, because of the lack of customers, I did have to deal with a few clingy creatures.
Value (3/10) – There's never been a cover charge while I've been there, but $25 dances are too expensive and $5 for beers are on the high side for a dump like this. You can interact with the girls at the stage, though I kept my eyes on the TVs most of the time that I was in here.
Dance Setup (1.5/10) – Dances are given in a raised area in corner of club on undivided benches. If anyone else is getting a dance at the same time, it's awful. If not, everyone else in the club can still watch so it isn't all that much better
Club Setup (1/10) – There's a decent stage in middle of the club and a long bar at the one end, but just like its dancers, this club has seen better days.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This place just bums me out. These aren't girls who even bother pretending that they're trying to pay their way through college or make some easy spending money or earn cash for their families back in South America. For the most part, they're girls who are trying to finance their next fix. I never have and never will enjoy a club like this.
Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – This place isn't far from Mr. Happy's and is only a few minutes from downtown Waterbury, but you'll be driving to get there.
Overall – I'm not going to bother saying which is better between this place and Mr. Happy's, because that would be implying that either of them would be worth considering. I just can't think of any possible reason to ever go to Peek-A-Boo's. Strip clubs are supposed to make you feel good, and this one does just the opposite.
TOTAL SCORE = 32
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Centerfolds 2000 (North Oxford, MA)
Quality of dances (4/20) – True to the general Massachusetts trend of the-hotter-the-dancers-the-worse-the-dances, Centerfolds dances are pretty brutal. No contact from customer to dancer, and minimal contact from her to you. Don’t expect to be satisfied here.
Quality of dancers (7.5/10) – I’m not sure what draws them here (perhaps the assurance that they won’t get groped by creeps), but the crop of dancers at CF2K is pretty incredible for Massachusetts. Although they don't live up to the DJ's aggressive claim of "the hottest dancers in the world," many rank among the hottest that I've seen in New England.
Number of dancers (7/10) – There were perhaps 15-20 girls on a weeknight, much better than my last visit and the dancer to customer ratio was excellent. But their weak performance last time prevents them from really making some noise here. Also, given that I visited just a few days before Christmas, I have a sneaking suspicion that the number of dancers was artificially inflated by a bunch of women working an extra shift to bank some money for holiday presents.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – Almost exclusively skinny white women who, as readers know, are way outside of my wheelhouse. On my second visit, there was also an unfortunate abundance of fake bombs, my least favorite kind. Especially disappointing was the single gorgeous Indonesian dancer whose enormous well-shaped cans were later discovered to be imposters.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – A complete 180 from a year ago. Within two minutes of sitting, each guy in my party had a girl sitting with him or on him. No one was pushy about dances, and only one girl was venomous after being turned down. The servers were likewise cool, and I was even able to coax one waitress into working a stage set, a feat attempted by many but accomplished by few. It's also a huge plus that my first featured dancer, Shelby, is back gracing the stage at CF2K. Still, further research is needed for a better average score and I can't totally disregard how terrible the attitudes were a year ago.
Value (2/10) – Miller Lites are just under $5 and the cover is $7 before 5 PM ($14 when they have feature dancers). Dances are 2 for 1 until 7 PM every day, but that’s hardly any consolation. My first dance was so bad that I almost didn’t even want a second. And stage value is minimal for most dancers.
Dance Setup (1/10) – Dances are conducted on wall benches in slightly raised areas along both sides of the club, in plain view of nearly every person in there. Since I first reviewed this club, it appears they've dimmed the lights in the dance area and added some translucent curtains (bumping the score slightly), but it's still not enough to shield you from onlookers. Call me picky, but if I’m gonna get a shitty dance, I’d at least like a modicum of privacy. Centerfolds 2000 offers none.
Club Setup (7/10) – Despite the awful dance setup, CF2K’s overall design is solid. Plenty of seating, however uncomfortable, at the stage and on the floor surrounding it, good table space, and enough private spots to hang out and drain a few beers. I also like that the bar hangs off the back of the club in a large outcropping, preventing the logjam of douche pickles that often happens during busy hours at clubs.
Club Atmosphere (5/10) – [From my first review] Having spent the better part of my 20’s in strip joints, I understand – and have come to accept – the reality that many dancers/DJ’s have terrible taste in music (I once heard Smooth Operator TWICE in one night). No matter where you are, you’ll invariably be forced to listen to a handful of abominations by the likes of Kid Rock, Nickelback or their equivalents. But CF2K took it to another level. For the first 45 minutes, literally every song was cringe-worthy material. And even after I tipped the DJ to play a few favorites (a move that never fails), the DJ only squeezed in one request amongst the rubbish. This musical misfortune is especially sad because the club has an otherwise good feel to it.
Having given this place a second chance, I'll say that the musical choices weren't nearly as bad this time through. However, there's still way too much rock and crappy pop (Black Eyed Peas), and not nearly enough Lil Wayne.
Club Accessibility (2/5) – Located almost ten miles outside of Worcester, Centerfolds 2000 isn't really in acceptable taxi range. It probably deserves worse than a 2, but because Worcester is very much a driving city, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.
Overall – Centerfolds 2000 has great potential, but I don't think they'll ever put it all together. I can really only imagine three scenarios where I'd recommend sending you to CF2K:
1) You're looking to take a somewhat-square, shy-ish girl to her first strip club. This place is a great bet for that type of thing.
2) You love Nickelback and white brunettes, and hate lap dances.
3) You want to meet and get a dance from Featured Dancer Shelby.
Otherwise, I'd say it's not worth your time.
TOTAL SCORE = 42.5
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Le Gentlemen's Choice (Montreal, QC)
Quality of Dances (11.5/20) – Tit grabbing is encouraged, but I was told that there is "no touching with your mouth, no touching between the legs and no grinding." The first two of those restrictions are pretty standard, but the no grinding policy is odd. Thankfully, not all of the girls follow that one, but even if they do, it's a strange thing to point out to customers. If you're more interested in looking than touching, you can also get a no-contact nude dance where some of the girls touch themselves for an extra $5. I'd much rather have them leave their bottoms on so that I can participate in the dance, but it's nice to have options available for those who want them.
Quality of Dancers (6/10) – These girls are reasonably attractive for anywhere else, but they're on the low end of what you're find in Montreal. Still, there are usually two or three very attractive girls working most nights and I don't think Montreal even allows truly ugly girls inside the city limits.
Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – They don't usually have as many dancers as most of the other nearby clubs, but since they don't usually get all that busy, you shouldn't have to compete with too many other guys for dances. You'll generally find more dancers than customers in here, especially early in the evening.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – They usually have a mix of black and white dancers, with several Caribbean dancers there on some nights. Most of the girls that I've seen have been thin enough that it's nice to look at them on stage, but I'd like to see a few slightly thicker girls to give me something to grab onto during the contact dances. Half the fun of being able to grab titties is gone if they're tiny, and all the fun is gone if they're fake.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of the girls that I've run into here have been fairly friendly with lots of smiles whether they're on stage or chatting with customers. Thanks to the relative lack of customers, most of the dancers are more than willing to sit and talk even for a while before asking if you want a dance. They do lose a few points for not offering to get change if you hand them a twenty for a $15 dance, but overall, I have no real complaints about the attitudes.
Value (5.5/10) – The $7.50 beers are about average for Montreal, but it's nice that they have an option to buy a pitcher for $20. As with everywhere else in Montreal, you don't have to tip at the stage and, as with most of the other places, the stage action is fully nude. The topless contact dances are $15 each and the nude no-contact dances are $20, both of which are fairly standard for Montreal but good deals nonetheless.
Dance Setup (6/10) – Lap dances are given in booths with no door, but no one can see in unless they're walking by. One nice touch at this place is that they have mirrors in front of the booths so you can see what you're grabbing on to.
Club Setup (3/10) – The setup here is exactly the same as at Club Downtown next door - the long but narrow club is on the 2nd floor of the building, it has a small bar to the left when you walk in and a smaller than average stage on the right side toward the back of the club. You can either sit at the stage or at one of the many tiny tables that are scattered around the room. It isn't great, but you'll be spending most of your time getting lap dances, so it isn't really a big deal.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – Due to the relative lack of customers, this place doesn't have the same party vibe as a lot of the Montreal clubs. Still, Molson Export + Quebecois titties = Fun, so I've always managed to have a good time.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – Le Gentlemen's Choice is within a few blocks of the Centre Bell, the Crescent Street bars, several other strip club and many decent hotels. Basically, it has the best location ever.
Overall – Just like the now-closed Temptations club a block away, Le Gentlemen's Choice is a decent club that just can't stack up against the stiff competition from all of the other Montreal clubs. Strip club connoisseurs in cities like Boston or Toronto would kill to have even one club as good as Le Gentlemen's Choice, but since you could get to a half dozen better clubs within 10 minutes, it isn't worth your time.
TOTAL SCORE = 56.5
Quality of Dancers (6/10) – These girls are reasonably attractive for anywhere else, but they're on the low end of what you're find in Montreal. Still, there are usually two or three very attractive girls working most nights and I don't think Montreal even allows truly ugly girls inside the city limits.
Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – They don't usually have as many dancers as most of the other nearby clubs, but since they don't usually get all that busy, you shouldn't have to compete with too many other guys for dances. You'll generally find more dancers than customers in here, especially early in the evening.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – They usually have a mix of black and white dancers, with several Caribbean dancers there on some nights. Most of the girls that I've seen have been thin enough that it's nice to look at them on stage, but I'd like to see a few slightly thicker girls to give me something to grab onto during the contact dances. Half the fun of being able to grab titties is gone if they're tiny, and all the fun is gone if they're fake.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of the girls that I've run into here have been fairly friendly with lots of smiles whether they're on stage or chatting with customers. Thanks to the relative lack of customers, most of the dancers are more than willing to sit and talk even for a while before asking if you want a dance. They do lose a few points for not offering to get change if you hand them a twenty for a $15 dance, but overall, I have no real complaints about the attitudes.
Value (5.5/10) – The $7.50 beers are about average for Montreal, but it's nice that they have an option to buy a pitcher for $20. As with everywhere else in Montreal, you don't have to tip at the stage and, as with most of the other places, the stage action is fully nude. The topless contact dances are $15 each and the nude no-contact dances are $20, both of which are fairly standard for Montreal but good deals nonetheless.
Dance Setup (6/10) – Lap dances are given in booths with no door, but no one can see in unless they're walking by. One nice touch at this place is that they have mirrors in front of the booths so you can see what you're grabbing on to.
Club Setup (3/10) – The setup here is exactly the same as at Club Downtown next door - the long but narrow club is on the 2nd floor of the building, it has a small bar to the left when you walk in and a smaller than average stage on the right side toward the back of the club. You can either sit at the stage or at one of the many tiny tables that are scattered around the room. It isn't great, but you'll be spending most of your time getting lap dances, so it isn't really a big deal.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – Due to the relative lack of customers, this place doesn't have the same party vibe as a lot of the Montreal clubs. Still, Molson Export + Quebecois titties = Fun, so I've always managed to have a good time.
Club Accessibility (5/5) – Le Gentlemen's Choice is within a few blocks of the Centre Bell, the Crescent Street bars, several other strip club and many decent hotels. Basically, it has the best location ever.
Overall – Just like the now-closed Temptations club a block away, Le Gentlemen's Choice is a decent club that just can't stack up against the stiff competition from all of the other Montreal clubs. Strip club connoisseurs in cities like Boston or Toronto would kill to have even one club as good as Le Gentlemen's Choice, but since you could get to a half dozen better clubs within 10 minutes, it isn't worth your time.
TOTAL SCORE = 56.5
Monday, December 20, 2010
Scores (Springfield, MA) - CLOSED
Quality of Dances (16/20) – Upon sitting down for my first dance here, the girl immediately reached to unzip my pants. When I told her that I just wanted a standard aggressive dance, she said most of the girls there would "probably shit themselves" when they find out that a customer wasn't interested in a handie. The score would be higher, but the actual dances are a little disappointing since actual dancing doesn't appear to be a focus here.
Quality of Dancers (1.5/10) – As you'd expect at an urban club such as this, most of the girls are on the larger side. In fact, when they were the Club 418, they advertised that they had the "Biggest Girls in New England." I don't think they quite earn that title anymore (a few of the Bridgeport clubs are the current favorites for that distinction), but they're certainly in the running. Some of the girls are disgusting, but a few are tolerable and you'll usually be able to find a girl or two worth getting a dance from. This number would go up to around a 4 if there was any quality control whatsoever, but there's not.
Number of Dancers (5/10) – This is a small club and the number of dancers is about what you'd expect, but the dancer-to-customer ratio is always favorable, rarely falling far below 1-to-1.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) - I've only see black and white dancers here, but there's a wide variety of body types (emphasis on wide).
Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls are reasonably friendly, but I had to hear a few too many sob stories about car troubles and the other customary "please give me a good tip" topics. On a more positive note, this isn't the type on place that's going to get a lot of random visitors, so they try particularly hard to keep the regulars happy.
Value (5.5/10) – The drinks and nighttime cover are a fairly standard 4 or 5 dollars each, and you'll get a needlessly graphic stage show for a buck or two, but the "dances" are what will make or break the value of this place for most customers. Twenty five dollars is a lot for a lap dance, but it's not much for the other services that they're provide during the "dances," so the value really depends on what you're looking for. I was quoted $130 for the VIP dances, but you might be able to negotiate a better value if you try. I definitely did not, because I had no interest in engaging in what I suspect happens back there with these ladies for any price.
Dance Setup (1/10) – There's a small curtained off area in the back of the club for the regular dances, but you're not shielded at all from other dance customers and people at some parts of the bar can see you as well. If you're willing to drop some more cash for the VIP dances, you get a couch inside a curtained booth, but you'd be better off just going somewhere else if you're even considering spending more than $50.
Club Setup (0.5/10) – This place is a dump. There are one or two tables, but everyone sits at the large bar, and the stage is inside the bar. There's a channel down the center of the stage so the bartender can try to reach across the stage to pass customers drinks, but it's a really poorly thought-out setup.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This is the old Club 418 which shut down for about a year after several people were shot here in 2009. The club has a different name and a metal detector, but not a whole lot else has changed. It doesn't seem all that dangerous here during the day, but this isn't a club that I'd have any interest in visiting at night. They also lose points because of the half hour stage sets, and they don't even allow girls end their sets early if a customer asks them for a dance. It's not quiet as bad as it sounds since several girls dance at a time, but it's a ridiculous policy that doesn't benefit the dancers or the customers. I have to believe the policy will be short-lived though, so it may not be an issue by the time you're reading this.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – This club is in downtown Springfield and isn't all that far from a few hotels, but it isn't in the greatest area. I wouldn't recommend getting stupid drunk here anyway though, so the fact that you'll probably be driving to get to Scores isn't a huge problem.
Overall – If you're looking for high-mileage lap dances, this place is a solid, if somewhat dangerous, option. If you're looking for anything else, you're better off going elsewhere.
TOTAL SCORE = 40.5
Note: Scores was formerly known as Lace and Club 418. It exploded on November 23, 2012.
Quality of Dancers (1.5/10) – As you'd expect at an urban club such as this, most of the girls are on the larger side. In fact, when they were the Club 418, they advertised that they had the "Biggest Girls in New England." I don't think they quite earn that title anymore (a few of the Bridgeport clubs are the current favorites for that distinction), but they're certainly in the running. Some of the girls are disgusting, but a few are tolerable and you'll usually be able to find a girl or two worth getting a dance from. This number would go up to around a 4 if there was any quality control whatsoever, but there's not.
Number of Dancers (5/10) – This is a small club and the number of dancers is about what you'd expect, but the dancer-to-customer ratio is always favorable, rarely falling far below 1-to-1.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) - I've only see black and white dancers here, but there's a wide variety of body types (emphasis on wide).
Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls are reasonably friendly, but I had to hear a few too many sob stories about car troubles and the other customary "please give me a good tip" topics. On a more positive note, this isn't the type on place that's going to get a lot of random visitors, so they try particularly hard to keep the regulars happy.
Value (5.5/10) – The drinks and nighttime cover are a fairly standard 4 or 5 dollars each, and you'll get a needlessly graphic stage show for a buck or two, but the "dances" are what will make or break the value of this place for most customers. Twenty five dollars is a lot for a lap dance, but it's not much for the other services that they're provide during the "dances," so the value really depends on what you're looking for. I was quoted $130 for the VIP dances, but you might be able to negotiate a better value if you try. I definitely did not, because I had no interest in engaging in what I suspect happens back there with these ladies for any price.
Dance Setup (1/10) – There's a small curtained off area in the back of the club for the regular dances, but you're not shielded at all from other dance customers and people at some parts of the bar can see you as well. If you're willing to drop some more cash for the VIP dances, you get a couch inside a curtained booth, but you'd be better off just going somewhere else if you're even considering spending more than $50.
Club Setup (0.5/10) – This place is a dump. There are one or two tables, but everyone sits at the large bar, and the stage is inside the bar. There's a channel down the center of the stage so the bartender can try to reach across the stage to pass customers drinks, but it's a really poorly thought-out setup.
Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This is the old Club 418 which shut down for about a year after several people were shot here in 2009. The club has a different name and a metal detector, but not a whole lot else has changed. It doesn't seem all that dangerous here during the day, but this isn't a club that I'd have any interest in visiting at night. They also lose points because of the half hour stage sets, and they don't even allow girls end their sets early if a customer asks them for a dance. It's not quiet as bad as it sounds since several girls dance at a time, but it's a ridiculous policy that doesn't benefit the dancers or the customers. I have to believe the policy will be short-lived though, so it may not be an issue by the time you're reading this.
Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – This club is in downtown Springfield and isn't all that far from a few hotels, but it isn't in the greatest area. I wouldn't recommend getting stupid drunk here anyway though, so the fact that you'll probably be driving to get to Scores isn't a huge problem.
Overall – If you're looking for high-mileage lap dances, this place is a solid, if somewhat dangerous, option. If you're looking for anything else, you're better off going elsewhere.
TOTAL SCORE = 40.5
Note: Scores was formerly known as Lace and Club 418. It exploded on November 23, 2012.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sweetheart's (Vernon, CT)
Note: Sweetheart's was formerly Kahoots Vernon.
Quality of Dances (16/20) - There's a lot of variation from girl to girl, but everyone offers a good grind with the help of the handles on the sides of the booths and allows full 2-way contact. Most of the girls also make at least some contact with their hands over the pants, and many of the girls offer extras.
Quality of Dancers (4/10) - Most of these girls are somewhat attractive but few if any of them are great. If you know the quality of girls at the other local clubs, I'd say that these ladies fall about midway between what you'd find at Kahoots in East Hartford and at the Blue in Tolland. The way they look wouldn't really be a problem though if it weren't for the the amount of wear and tear on most of these girls. Some nights, it isn't too bad, but other nights you can literally see the track marks. On those nights, even knowing how good the dances are, I just can't justify allowing any of the ladies to touch my pants.
Number of Dancers (1.5/10) - I saw two girls here during my first visit, and even though I was told that I was there at a particularly slow time, 8:30 pm on a weekday should never be that slow. There have been closer to a half dozen girls working during my other visits, but that's still not nearly enough. Plus the girls seem to spend a lot of time with regulars, so infrequent visitors might have a tough time getting a girl's attention without dropping some cash at the stage. And they don't even necessarily encourage that.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - I've seen mostly young white girls at Sweethearts, but there's usually a least one Latina working as well. They employ girls of all body types, though you might not see too much variation on any given night since there might only be 2-4 girls in the place.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) - I've seen several girls just sit down with their top on and talk to a guy for the entire set. I just sit there with a wad of dollar bills ready to go, but a girl has to at least give a little effort if she expects a tip. You don't tip a waitress before she serves the meal, so I'm not sure why some ladies think they should get a tip before taking the titties out. The girls haven't been too bad to talk to other than that, but if you don't buy a dance fairly quickly, they'll be right back to the regulars.
Club Setup (5.5/10) - Though it isn't huge, the stage is fairly nice and is plenty big for two girls to dance at a time. The stage has a very wide edge that separates customers from the dance floor, but most of the girls just crawl around on it to get closer to you. The small 2-person booths that surround the stage are also a nice option if you're visiting by yourself or with one other guy. The bar is fairly small and is surrounded by flat screen TVs, but there are no TVs in the much larger main room. There's also there a pool table and a few decent tables there near the bar in view of the TVs. Overall, this place isn't particularly well thought out, but it's still a lot nicer inside than you'd expect from the parking lot.
Dance Setup (7/10) - Lap dances are given in nice large booths with large sides and a roof. It almost feels like you're getting into the cockpit of a strange R-rated space shuttle when you sit down. Even though there's no door on the booths, no one can see you unless they're walking by because there's a curtain down the center of the room that prevents people in the opposing booths from watching. Also, since the booths are in a separate area of the club, it's fairly rare for anyone to walk by. There are curiously bright lights in each booth, but most of the girls thankfully turn those off before they get down to business.
Atmosphere (1.5/10) - Sweetheart's seems safe enough, but the small bar and the tiny booths prevent it from being ideal for groups. I can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is, but I just generally don't get a great feeling from the place
Value (1.5/10) - I can deal with the $5 cover in the evenings, the $4 drinks and the decent topless stage action, but the $30 dances are brutal. Dances were recently $20 each, but I guess they assumed that the perfect time to raise prices by 50% is during a recession.
Accessibility (1.5/5) - Sweetheart's isn't too far from Hartford, but it isn't particularly close to the interstate or anything else noteworthy.
Overall - Sweetheart's is fairly mediocre overall, but the lap dances are good enough to make it a fun place if dances are your top priority. The problem for them is that they can't get by on lap dances alone when they're located less than 10 minutes away from some of the most aggressive (in a good way) dancers in the United States over at Electric Blue. If you're just passing through the area, the Blue is the way to go, but if you're always around here and are looking to mix things up, you'll probably have a decent time at Sweethearts. Honestly though, why would you want to mix things up from the Blue?
TOTAL SCORE = 43
Quality of Dances (16/20) - There's a lot of variation from girl to girl, but everyone offers a good grind with the help of the handles on the sides of the booths and allows full 2-way contact. Most of the girls also make at least some contact with their hands over the pants, and many of the girls offer extras.
Quality of Dancers (4/10) - Most of these girls are somewhat attractive but few if any of them are great. If you know the quality of girls at the other local clubs, I'd say that these ladies fall about midway between what you'd find at Kahoots in East Hartford and at the Blue in Tolland. The way they look wouldn't really be a problem though if it weren't for the the amount of wear and tear on most of these girls. Some nights, it isn't too bad, but other nights you can literally see the track marks. On those nights, even knowing how good the dances are, I just can't justify allowing any of the ladies to touch my pants.
Number of Dancers (1.5/10) - I saw two girls here during my first visit, and even though I was told that I was there at a particularly slow time, 8:30 pm on a weekday should never be that slow. There have been closer to a half dozen girls working during my other visits, but that's still not nearly enough. Plus the girls seem to spend a lot of time with regulars, so infrequent visitors might have a tough time getting a girl's attention without dropping some cash at the stage. And they don't even necessarily encourage that.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - I've seen mostly young white girls at Sweethearts, but there's usually a least one Latina working as well. They employ girls of all body types, though you might not see too much variation on any given night since there might only be 2-4 girls in the place.
Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) - I've seen several girls just sit down with their top on and talk to a guy for the entire set. I just sit there with a wad of dollar bills ready to go, but a girl has to at least give a little effort if she expects a tip. You don't tip a waitress before she serves the meal, so I'm not sure why some ladies think they should get a tip before taking the titties out. The girls haven't been too bad to talk to other than that, but if you don't buy a dance fairly quickly, they'll be right back to the regulars.
Club Setup (5.5/10) - Though it isn't huge, the stage is fairly nice and is plenty big for two girls to dance at a time. The stage has a very wide edge that separates customers from the dance floor, but most of the girls just crawl around on it to get closer to you. The small 2-person booths that surround the stage are also a nice option if you're visiting by yourself or with one other guy. The bar is fairly small and is surrounded by flat screen TVs, but there are no TVs in the much larger main room. There's also there a pool table and a few decent tables there near the bar in view of the TVs. Overall, this place isn't particularly well thought out, but it's still a lot nicer inside than you'd expect from the parking lot.
Dance Setup (7/10) - Lap dances are given in nice large booths with large sides and a roof. It almost feels like you're getting into the cockpit of a strange R-rated space shuttle when you sit down. Even though there's no door on the booths, no one can see you unless they're walking by because there's a curtain down the center of the room that prevents people in the opposing booths from watching. Also, since the booths are in a separate area of the club, it's fairly rare for anyone to walk by. There are curiously bright lights in each booth, but most of the girls thankfully turn those off before they get down to business.
Atmosphere (1.5/10) - Sweetheart's seems safe enough, but the small bar and the tiny booths prevent it from being ideal for groups. I can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is, but I just generally don't get a great feeling from the place
Value (1.5/10) - I can deal with the $5 cover in the evenings, the $4 drinks and the decent topless stage action, but the $30 dances are brutal. Dances were recently $20 each, but I guess they assumed that the perfect time to raise prices by 50% is during a recession.
Accessibility (1.5/5) - Sweetheart's isn't too far from Hartford, but it isn't particularly close to the interstate or anything else noteworthy.
Overall - Sweetheart's is fairly mediocre overall, but the lap dances are good enough to make it a fun place if dances are your top priority. The problem for them is that they can't get by on lap dances alone when they're located less than 10 minutes away from some of the most aggressive (in a good way) dancers in the United States over at Electric Blue. If you're just passing through the area, the Blue is the way to go, but if you're always around here and are looking to mix things up, you'll probably have a decent time at Sweethearts. Honestly though, why would you want to mix things up from the Blue?
TOTAL SCORE = 43
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Some Updates
I'm getting fairly close to launching a proper website, The Stripper Poll. The first draft is done and I'll be going live once I get it cleaned up and make sure the searches are all functioning properly. Stripperpoll.com will be the place to find all my latest news and reviews. In addition, you'll be able to read my bachelor party guides, find out more about my featured dancers, and locate and compare all the best clubs in your area with a convenient search utility. For the dancers and club owners who are reading this, I'll be looking to line up some dancers of the month, so let me know if you're interested.
In the meantime, I'll keep the new reviews coming on here every Sunday evening, so keep your eyes peeled and check back regularly to make sure you're not missing anything!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wild J's (Port Trevorton, PA)
Quality of Dances (12/20) – I was told that I could touch "anywhere but the puss," as long as I didn't bite or pinch the nipples, and most of the girls actively encourage tit grabbing. They don't really try to make anything happen during the dances, but they do slide back and forth enough to make it enjoyable. Even though it seems like the type of place where extras could be available for regulars, I haven't seen any signs that they are, and the cameras in the booths may make it hopeless.
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – These ladies certainly aren't central PA's finest. There are usually a few decent girls, but the majority are a little sloppy, a little fat, or both.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – I've only been there on weekend evenings, so I can't speak to the number of dancers on the day shift, but I've always found many dancers in this place. There are usually lots of customers too, but not so many that you should have any problem getting a girl's attention.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – I've seen a few black girls and one or two older Asians, but the vast majority of girls at Wild J's are white. If you're expecting anything more than that though, you clearly aren't familiar with central PA. I love this area, but James Carville's comment that Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh and Philadelphia with Alabama in between isn't too far off. On the bright side, you shouldn't have any problem finding a girl that's the size you like, because these ladies vary from skinny to obese.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – There's some great interaction between customers and dancers who are on stage, and all of the ladies are generally friendly. This score would be higher if it weren't for the fact that most of the dancers discuss expected tips before the dances. As I've mentioned in other reviews, it's hard to blame the dancers for that in clubs that don't give them a cut of the dance fee, but it's still a downer of a way to start a dance.
Value (6/10) – They've got some strange pricing going on in this place. It's $21 for 1 dance, $37 for 2 (though sometimes it's buy 2 get 1 free) and $53 for 3 dances, plus you're expected to tip at least $5-10 per song. I'm not good enough at math to figure out whether or not that's a good deal, but the stage value is solid. There's a $20 cover on the weekend, but that actually isn't bad considering that you get free beer (and shots the one night I was there) since they can't sell alcohol.
Dance Setup (6.5/10) – Dances are given in small booths that have curtains and decent chairs that encourage partial reclining. If it weren't for the cameras, this score would be even higher.
Club Setup (1/10) – This place is a bit of a dump. There's one bright room with a pool table and not much else, and there's one dark room with a shitty stage and several uncomfortable chairs.
Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – Wild J's is a little dingy and it can be full of younger guys, but it's usually a fun loving crowd and a good place to hang out for a while.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – It's hard to imagine a less accessible club than this. It's almost an hour from Harrisburg, and is at least that far from anywhere else that you'd ever need to be.
Overall – This is by far the best club in the area, though that's kind of like winning the Special Olympics - let's just say the competition isn't exactly top notch. Because of the location, you'll probably either pass right by Wild J's or won't come within a half an hour of it. If it's the former, it's worth stopping by; if not, it's not.
TOTAL SCORE = 45
Quality of Dancers (2/10) – These ladies certainly aren't central PA's finest. There are usually a few decent girls, but the majority are a little sloppy, a little fat, or both.
Number of Dancers (6/10) – I've only been there on weekend evenings, so I can't speak to the number of dancers on the day shift, but I've always found many dancers in this place. There are usually lots of customers too, but not so many that you should have any problem getting a girl's attention.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – I've seen a few black girls and one or two older Asians, but the vast majority of girls at Wild J's are white. If you're expecting anything more than that though, you clearly aren't familiar with central PA. I love this area, but James Carville's comment that Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh and Philadelphia with Alabama in between isn't too far off. On the bright side, you shouldn't have any problem finding a girl that's the size you like, because these ladies vary from skinny to obese.
Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – There's some great interaction between customers and dancers who are on stage, and all of the ladies are generally friendly. This score would be higher if it weren't for the fact that most of the dancers discuss expected tips before the dances. As I've mentioned in other reviews, it's hard to blame the dancers for that in clubs that don't give them a cut of the dance fee, but it's still a downer of a way to start a dance.
Value (6/10) – They've got some strange pricing going on in this place. It's $21 for 1 dance, $37 for 2 (though sometimes it's buy 2 get 1 free) and $53 for 3 dances, plus you're expected to tip at least $5-10 per song. I'm not good enough at math to figure out whether or not that's a good deal, but the stage value is solid. There's a $20 cover on the weekend, but that actually isn't bad considering that you get free beer (and shots the one night I was there) since they can't sell alcohol.
Dance Setup (6.5/10) – Dances are given in small booths that have curtains and decent chairs that encourage partial reclining. If it weren't for the cameras, this score would be even higher.
Club Setup (1/10) – This place is a bit of a dump. There's one bright room with a pool table and not much else, and there's one dark room with a shitty stage and several uncomfortable chairs.
Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – Wild J's is a little dingy and it can be full of younger guys, but it's usually a fun loving crowd and a good place to hang out for a while.
Club Accessibility (0/5) – It's hard to imagine a less accessible club than this. It's almost an hour from Harrisburg, and is at least that far from anywhere else that you'd ever need to be.
Overall – This is by far the best club in the area, though that's kind of like winning the Special Olympics - let's just say the competition isn't exactly top notch. Because of the location, you'll probably either pass right by Wild J's or won't come within a half an hour of it. If it's the former, it's worth stopping by; if not, it's not.
TOTAL SCORE = 45
Sunday, November 21, 2010
City Guide: Amsterdam / Red Light District
First of all, if you're reading this site, I'm assuming that you're a strip club enthusiast, so you should be warned that there's only one strip club in Amsterdam. There are several other establishments that bill themselves as strip clubs, but they're all either live sex shows or peep shows. For most bachelor parties, I'd think that the lack of customer interaction would make sex shows a little tame, but splitting up the party to each fuck a red light window prostitute seems a little intense. Not that I judge anyone for fucking red light window prostitutes, but I just can't imagine that most people would feel comfortable doing that with, say, their co-workers or their future brother-in-law. That's why strip clubs are the perfect bachelor party destination (and the perfect after work, lunch time, weekend or any other time destination), and why I was shocked that there aren't more in one of the world's premier adult entertainment destinations. I'm assuming that there's some reason why there aren't more clubs, but either way, my new goal in life is to eventually open up a sweet club in this city.
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| Oude Kerk |
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| Trompettersteeg |
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| Oudezijds Achterburgwal |
Casa Rosso is a little on the expensive side at 30 euros without drinks or 45 for entry with 4 drink tickets, but it's a unique experience that's probably worth doing once in your life. Still, it wasn't one of the highlights of my trip and you wouldn't really be missing out to skip it. The customers were a fairly even mix between bachelor parties, bachelorette parties and couples, and the show lasts a little over an hour and is a continuous loop of 9 acts. Three of them are full on sex, one is a lesbian dildo show, one is a banana show where a girl shoves a still-peeled banana into herself and squeezes it out bite by bite, one is a strip tease and one is a dominatrix act where the lady puts a dildo on a guys head, has him fuck her with it, then shoves it in his mouth without asking for permission. That's just disgusting, and I've never been more thankful that I didn't volunteer for something. I'm forgetting two of the acts, but I may have smoked about a dozen joints and eaten several space cakes before coming here, so I really had no idea what was going on. Either way, it was an interesting way to spend an hour, though I wouldn't come here expecting to see something erotic. Maybe it would be if you're horned up from an evening of window shopping, but it was more disturbing than anything to be high out of my mind watching people fucking on stage while Rammstein blared on the speakers. I can't even imagine what it would be like if you've done some of the readily available magic truffles beforehand, but I have to think that it would make the Cirque du Soleil scene from Knocked Up look like child's play.
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| Dampkring Coffeeshop |
Overall, Amsterdam is a great city and it's definitely worth a visit whether you're looking for adult entertainment, good weed, sightseeing or a little of all three. Just don't come here looking for a strip club, because Amsterdam isn't the city for that.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Rose's Cantina (Groton, CT)
Quality of Dances (7/20) – These dances were about as good as I expected them to be, which is to say that they weren't very good at all. The only girl that I wasted my cash on rubbed her ass on my lap and was fine with me touching her legs, but she didn't work it all that hard and said that she had "fucked guys up" for inappropriate touching during dances. I'm not sure just how inappropriate you have to be to get fucked up, but the girl looked like she could do some damage in a fight, so I decided against pushing my luck. It's possible that I got a below average girl, but honestly, I'd be shocked if the other girls are any better than the one I sampled. I almost always try at least a few girls to make sure that the dance score is accurate, but the low quality of girls and the ridiculous dance prices made me just stick to one dance at Rose's.
Quality of Dancers (3/10) – I've seen two mediocre girls and one who was downright sloppy, and even though that's a low sample size, I have a hard time imagining that the other girls are all that impressive either. Since the girls down the street at the Gold Club seem to make decent money, I assume that most girls would work there if they were hot enough to compete. As with most shitty strip clubs, the two bartenders that I've seen have both been much more attractive than any of the dancers. Unfortunately, they wear shit like long-sleeved plaid shirts, so their hotness is largely wasted.
Number of Dancers (0/10) – During my first visit, there wasn't a single dancer in the place. I almost wrote a review based on that, but figured that a titty bar review based on a tittyless visit wouldn't be much better than a tittyless titty bar, so I bit the bullet and went out of my way to make a second trip to Groton. I guess the second trip was better, but not by much. Three ladies were working this time, but the only way that I knew that for my first 45 minutes in the place was that they walked from the changing room to the front door so they could smoke, then they walked right back to the changing room. They eventually mingled with customers, but the whole situation was unacceptable. Honestly though, this place is better off without dancers because then you can just pretend it's an awesome dive bar instead of a shitty strip club.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – Few girls means little variety. All white girls means even less variety. Don't get your hopes up for Latinas based on the "Cantina" name; this place is as white as it gets. The little bit of variety comes in the thickness department, with one girl's saggy pickle tits almost hitting the floor when she was on all fours.
Attitude of Dancers (1/10) – This seems like the type of place where all of the dancers would call you "sweetie," but not so much. Hanging out in the back room and taking a group smoke break while a dozen paying customers sit around by themselves is bad enough, but even once the girls graced us with their presence, they still weren't real charmers. The girl that I got a dance from tried to convince me that I should give her a tip because she "gave me an extra half a song." By an extra half a song, apparently she meant the ten seconds of dancing that she did while the previous song faded out. One girl asked where I was from, and when I told her, she gave a sarcastic, "Oh, don't they have any clubs there?" Yeah, they do, but I went two hours out of my way to give this shithole a second chance to redeem itself after my first dancerless visit. Let's just say the redeeming wasn't really happening. And if their attitudes toward customers aren't bad enough, they just seemed like generally nasty people based on the one dancer who stole a tip that I'd left for another girl and another dancer who complained about the "jigaboo noise" that was playing.
Value (2/10) – There's no cover charge and beers are fairly cheap, with 16oz. PBRs for $3 and other bottles starting around $3.50. That's not bad, but $30 dances are ridiculous for a place like this.
Dance Setup (1/10) – There are two small booths toward the back of the club that open from the side so that most of the people in the club can't really see what's going on. The chairs are basically big ugly wooden boxes, the edges are too close to keep you from achieving an optimal spreading of your legs, and they're basically just about as uncomfortable as possible. They do provide for some limited privacy since the chair is around the corner from the door, but the dance setup is really bad overall.
Club Setup (2/10) – The main area has a decent sized bar, 2 pool tables, a dart board, a few TVs and a big buck hunter arcade game. It's a fairly solid setup for a bar, but then you notice that in the back, there's a little dog-leg section where there's a shitty stage and some chairs. If you're actually trying to look at girls on stage, it's awkward at best.
Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – There isn't much of a strip club atmosphere in this place, but as a cantina, I love it. During my first visit, there was a group of guys rolling dice, a weird old guy in a cowboy hat, and a bunch of other interesting characters all having a good time.
Club Accessibility (2/5) – The location in a strip mall is kind of strange, but it's easy enough to get to and is right down the road from the Gold Club. There's plenty of parking, but you're almost certainly going to have to drive to get here.
Overall – If I were reviewing dive bars, Rose's Cantina would probably get my seal of approval, but since I'm not, it won't even come close. Actually, I had a much better time here during my first visit when there weren't dancers than during my second visit when there were. Maybe that's a product of different expectations, or maybe it's just the fact that I didn't waste $30 on a dance the first time, but either way, it doesn't say much for a titty bar when it's better without the titties. The Gold Club isn't a great club, but it's an infinitely better option if you're in Groton and are looking to see some attractive topless ladies.
TOTAL SCORE = 25
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Club Babylon (Duncannon, PA)
Quality of Dances (8/20) – Despite their best efforts to give a good dance, I had to physically push two of the girls away because they were smashing my sensitive parts. I like to think they weren't used to guys with nuts as big as mine, but it's more likely that they just have no lap dance skills. On the bright side, the girls that I got dances from at least attempted to use their legs to provide some friction and none of them had been working here for very long, so maybe they'll improve. Thanks to the cameras, you won't get away with touching the upper bodies, but leg and hip touching seem to be fine.
Quality of Dancers (5/10) – Most of the girls here are fairly young and are in relatively good shape. I wouldn't describe any of them as real beauty queens, but the majority of girls are decent and are certainly a lot better than the ones that you'd find across the street at Fantasy's Island.
Number of Dancers (4/10) – I've only been here once, so maybe my experience wasn't typical, but I saw about a half dozen dancers and about the same number of customers. That isn't ideal for a Friday night, but it's still easy to find a girl for a dance within a minute or two if that's what you're looking for.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – I hope you're into white girls, because that's all that you're going to find here. I'll give them half a point though, because the one girl had a tan, and for Duncannon, that counts as diversity. There was also a little variation of body types.
Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – I'm not a fan of paying for a dance in advance, but asking for a tip in advance is particularly bad. I blame the club for that more than I blame the girls, since the girls don't even get a cut of the dance fees. Either way though, it sucks. I also didn't think that the girls circulated or chatted enough with customers, but they were at least fairly enthusiastic while on stage.
Value (7/10) – BYOB is always a solid value, there's no cover, and the dances are a decent deal at 2 for $20 and 3 for $25. You're expected to match the dance price for a tip, but 2 for $40 or 3 for $50 still isn't too bad. The only real drawback is that there's not really a cheap way to sample a girl before dropping some significant money for multiple dances, so you have to invest a little time into scouting at the stage instead of just taking a chance with the first hot girl who approaches.
Dance Setup (3.5/10) – You get your own room for lap dances, but it's not nearly as sweet as it sounds since there's a window looking out to the main room and a camera that is monitored by whoever is working at the desk. Still, it's nice to not have to worry about any other guys sitting near you, and the couch is fairly comfortable.
Club Setup (1.5/10) – The one half of the building is a porn store, but the club area has a real warehouse feel with a high ceiling, lots of concrete and several uncomfortable little chairs. It really feels unfinished, and since it's a fairly new club, I'll hold out hope that they're still making improvements. For now though, it's pretty shitty.
Club Atmosphere (1.5/10) – As with most strip clubs that don't serve alcohol, there seems to be a disproportionately high percentage of of young d-bags in this place. BYOB is nice for people who live nearby, but unfortunately, I didn't have a cooler full of beer in my car when I was in the area, so I had to suffer through this place without the assistance of alcohol.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – It's right across the street from Fantasy's Island, but that's not a good thing. Like everything else in Duncannon, Babylon is pretty much in the middle of nowhere, though you could get here from Harrisburg in a little under half an hour if you were so inclined.
Overall – You'd have to go out of your way to get to Club Babylon, but you'd have to be crazy to make the effort. Harrisburg-based strip club enthusiasts don't have a lot of options, but if you're willing to drive this far, you're much better off driving a little further to the more mediocre (in a good way) Wild J's in Port Trevorton.
TOTAL SCORE = 33.5
Quality of Dancers (5/10) – Most of the girls here are fairly young and are in relatively good shape. I wouldn't describe any of them as real beauty queens, but the majority of girls are decent and are certainly a lot better than the ones that you'd find across the street at Fantasy's Island.
Number of Dancers (4/10) – I've only been here once, so maybe my experience wasn't typical, but I saw about a half dozen dancers and about the same number of customers. That isn't ideal for a Friday night, but it's still easy to find a girl for a dance within a minute or two if that's what you're looking for.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – I hope you're into white girls, because that's all that you're going to find here. I'll give them half a point though, because the one girl had a tan, and for Duncannon, that counts as diversity. There was also a little variation of body types.
Attitude of Dancers (2/10) – I'm not a fan of paying for a dance in advance, but asking for a tip in advance is particularly bad. I blame the club for that more than I blame the girls, since the girls don't even get a cut of the dance fees. Either way though, it sucks. I also didn't think that the girls circulated or chatted enough with customers, but they were at least fairly enthusiastic while on stage.
Value (7/10) – BYOB is always a solid value, there's no cover, and the dances are a decent deal at 2 for $20 and 3 for $25. You're expected to match the dance price for a tip, but 2 for $40 or 3 for $50 still isn't too bad. The only real drawback is that there's not really a cheap way to sample a girl before dropping some significant money for multiple dances, so you have to invest a little time into scouting at the stage instead of just taking a chance with the first hot girl who approaches.
Dance Setup (3.5/10) – You get your own room for lap dances, but it's not nearly as sweet as it sounds since there's a window looking out to the main room and a camera that is monitored by whoever is working at the desk. Still, it's nice to not have to worry about any other guys sitting near you, and the couch is fairly comfortable.
Club Setup (1.5/10) – The one half of the building is a porn store, but the club area has a real warehouse feel with a high ceiling, lots of concrete and several uncomfortable little chairs. It really feels unfinished, and since it's a fairly new club, I'll hold out hope that they're still making improvements. For now though, it's pretty shitty.
Club Atmosphere (1.5/10) – As with most strip clubs that don't serve alcohol, there seems to be a disproportionately high percentage of of young d-bags in this place. BYOB is nice for people who live nearby, but unfortunately, I didn't have a cooler full of beer in my car when I was in the area, so I had to suffer through this place without the assistance of alcohol.
Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – It's right across the street from Fantasy's Island, but that's not a good thing. Like everything else in Duncannon, Babylon is pretty much in the middle of nowhere, though you could get here from Harrisburg in a little under half an hour if you were so inclined.
Overall – You'd have to go out of your way to get to Club Babylon, but you'd have to be crazy to make the effort. Harrisburg-based strip club enthusiasts don't have a lot of options, but if you're willing to drive this far, you're much better off driving a little further to the more mediocre (in a good way) Wild J's in Port Trevorton.
TOTAL SCORE = 33.5
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Cafe Royale (Farmingdale, NY)
Quality of dances (8/20) – I was happy with the one-way contact, complete with some skillful knee grinding, but disappointed that I got the feeling the action ended there. With a club full of Russians (see Variety/Diversity below), my expectations are always sky high, and it’s crushing when they fall short. These girls were handcuffed by the dance setup, for sure, so who knows what tricks they might pull with more privacy; it may be worth giving the back room a shot, but until I see it, I just can’t believe it.
Quality of dancers (4/10) – I love Long Island girls, so I was really disappointed at the lack of homegrown talent. When I’m on Strong Isle, I expect the girls to look like tanner, sluttier versions of Katy Perry or thicker versions of Drea de Matteo. If they didn’t spend ninety minutes putting on makeup before they left their house that morning, I’m just not interested. These women, while not unattractive, weren’t really making it happen.
Number of dancers (4/10) – No matter what the club size, no matter what the club location, half a dozen dancers on a Saturday night is not acceptable. I demand more.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – This category is a little tricky to rate for Café Royale. At first glance, there appeared to be significant diversity: a black girl, a Filipino-looking girl, and a few white girls with varying skin tones. So far, so good, until I started talking to them and found out that, with the exception of the black girl, every one of them was Russian, even the faux Filipino. And so were both bartenders. I half-expected to open the wrong door and see a bunch of bears riding unicycles or Teddy KGB chewing on Oreos. I think we’ve all heard stories about the Russian mob importing strippers to work in New York, so maybe that’s what’s going on here. Or maybe Farmingdale just reminds these girls of the Motherland. Who knows.
Body type diversity was definitely lacking. I didn’t see a single lap dance ass when I was there. Having spent tons of time on Long Island, I know there are plenty of such asses available, so it was a letdown that they didn’t find their way to the club.
Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – Nothing really significant to report here. The shortage of dancers made it a little difficult to get anyone’s attention. When they did come around, they were friendly enough, but with a business-like vibe. I definitely wouldn’t describe them as particularly outgoing or fun. Nor would I say they are the ice-cold hustlers that you often encounter working a floor.
Value (5/10) – I have to be honest: I was really drunk when I got to this place, so I don’t remember what the cover was. I was traveling with a cheap dude who doesn’t really like strip clubs, so I’m sure it was $5 or less on a Saturday night, because he wouldn’t have paid it otherwise. As for the cost of drinks, I can’t give a definite answer there either, seeing as I signed the tab without looking at individual drink prices and then proceeded to leave both my ID and credit card at the club. However, some research on their website indicates that drink prices are relatively inexpensive ($3 domestics during all football games, $5 for any drink during Happy Hour). That leads me to think that Miller Lites were something in the range of $5 on my random Saturday night, which is passable. At $20, dances provide standard value. Stage value was basically non-existent (see Club Setup below).
Dance Setup (1/10) – Tremendous fail here by Café Royale. Standard dances occur in a slightly-raised part of the club, maybe 15 feet back from the bar, which is filled with rolly chairs, tables and a few benches. The tables and chairs are obviously for hanging out, and it seems that the benches are the prime dancing spot when this particular area is packed. Whether your dance occurs in a rolly chair or on a bench, privacy is impossible, with nearly the entire club having an unobstructed sight line to your spot.
Club Setup (3.5/10) – Very standard blah setup here. A horseshoe-shaped bar sits in the middle of the club, lined with a few dozen chairs. On each side of the bar are raised areas that are filled with a small handful of tables surrounded by rolly chairs (talked about in Dance Setup). All those things are well and good, and though not incredible, those parts of the setup aren’t dreadful either. However, the stage location is just brutal. It sits inside the bar (like Mons Venus in Tampa or the Playground Lounge in Atlantic City), making any close interaction with dancers impossible. Over the years, strip club patrons have developed a perfect system for getting a dancer’s attention for some personal stage action. Step 1: Sit at the stage. Step 2: Fold a dollar bill (or two or three) in half and place it on the edge of the stage. Step 3: Wait for tits and ass to come your way. It’s simple, it’s elegant, it’s ideal. But with an internal stage, it can’t happen. The five foot separation created by the bar makes any sort of interaction weird and awkward. Dancers have a hard time targeting any specific moves. And tipping requires both the tipper and the dancer to lean way over and reach out their arms to exchange any cash (it resembles the scene at a drive-through when you accidentally pull up too far from the window). Not acceptable.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – I was happy with the music and the general vibe, especially for Long Island. I half-expected to hear only house music and Billy Joel for the entire night, but the DJ played it relatively safe and stuck mostly to the classics. If I remember correctly, the lighting definitely could have been lower, but it wasn’t anything particularly uncomfortable. Really, this is the type of place that has a neutral-enough feel that your individual group can make the atmosphere whatever you want it to be (whether you’re just grabbing a few beers or really getting after it). My only complaint is the modified tip-walk that girls do on stage. It’s always a buzzkill to be sitting at the bar trying to enjoy a beer or watch a game, only to have a dancer drop the “Pssst, aren’t you gonna tip me?” I don’t blame the dancers; the internal stage setup basically forces them to do this shit, but it still sucks.
Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – On the one hand, Club Royale is directly off of Route 109 and just a stone’s throw from the Southern State Parkway. On the other, it’s in fucking Farmingdale, smack in the middle of Long Island, and totally inaccessible by any means other than a car (or a wedding transportation bus that you make pull over on the side of the road and drop you off on your way back to the hotel).
Overall – In many ways, this club is a Long Islander’s dream. You can buy some unnecessary shit at Walmart, catch a movie at the Regal 10, eat some overpriced babyback ribs at Chili’s, fist-pump at some douchey club called The Crazy Donkey (which I was really hoping was a Tijuana-style strip club), then see some titties, all without driving your Camaro more than half a mile. However, for those of you who don’t love strip malls and jagerbombs, Café Royale is mediocre at best.
TOTAL SCORE = 39
Quality of dancers (4/10) – I love Long Island girls, so I was really disappointed at the lack of homegrown talent. When I’m on Strong Isle, I expect the girls to look like tanner, sluttier versions of Katy Perry or thicker versions of Drea de Matteo. If they didn’t spend ninety minutes putting on makeup before they left their house that morning, I’m just not interested. These women, while not unattractive, weren’t really making it happen.
Number of dancers (4/10) – No matter what the club size, no matter what the club location, half a dozen dancers on a Saturday night is not acceptable. I demand more.
Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – This category is a little tricky to rate for Café Royale. At first glance, there appeared to be significant diversity: a black girl, a Filipino-looking girl, and a few white girls with varying skin tones. So far, so good, until I started talking to them and found out that, with the exception of the black girl, every one of them was Russian, even the faux Filipino. And so were both bartenders. I half-expected to open the wrong door and see a bunch of bears riding unicycles or Teddy KGB chewing on Oreos. I think we’ve all heard stories about the Russian mob importing strippers to work in New York, so maybe that’s what’s going on here. Or maybe Farmingdale just reminds these girls of the Motherland. Who knows.
Body type diversity was definitely lacking. I didn’t see a single lap dance ass when I was there. Having spent tons of time on Long Island, I know there are plenty of such asses available, so it was a letdown that they didn’t find their way to the club.
Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – Nothing really significant to report here. The shortage of dancers made it a little difficult to get anyone’s attention. When they did come around, they were friendly enough, but with a business-like vibe. I definitely wouldn’t describe them as particularly outgoing or fun. Nor would I say they are the ice-cold hustlers that you often encounter working a floor.
Value (5/10) – I have to be honest: I was really drunk when I got to this place, so I don’t remember what the cover was. I was traveling with a cheap dude who doesn’t really like strip clubs, so I’m sure it was $5 or less on a Saturday night, because he wouldn’t have paid it otherwise. As for the cost of drinks, I can’t give a definite answer there either, seeing as I signed the tab without looking at individual drink prices and then proceeded to leave both my ID and credit card at the club. However, some research on their website indicates that drink prices are relatively inexpensive ($3 domestics during all football games, $5 for any drink during Happy Hour). That leads me to think that Miller Lites were something in the range of $5 on my random Saturday night, which is passable. At $20, dances provide standard value. Stage value was basically non-existent (see Club Setup below).
Dance Setup (1/10) – Tremendous fail here by Café Royale. Standard dances occur in a slightly-raised part of the club, maybe 15 feet back from the bar, which is filled with rolly chairs, tables and a few benches. The tables and chairs are obviously for hanging out, and it seems that the benches are the prime dancing spot when this particular area is packed. Whether your dance occurs in a rolly chair or on a bench, privacy is impossible, with nearly the entire club having an unobstructed sight line to your spot.
Club Setup (3.5/10) – Very standard blah setup here. A horseshoe-shaped bar sits in the middle of the club, lined with a few dozen chairs. On each side of the bar are raised areas that are filled with a small handful of tables surrounded by rolly chairs (talked about in Dance Setup). All those things are well and good, and though not incredible, those parts of the setup aren’t dreadful either. However, the stage location is just brutal. It sits inside the bar (like Mons Venus in Tampa or the Playground Lounge in Atlantic City), making any close interaction with dancers impossible. Over the years, strip club patrons have developed a perfect system for getting a dancer’s attention for some personal stage action. Step 1: Sit at the stage. Step 2: Fold a dollar bill (or two or three) in half and place it on the edge of the stage. Step 3: Wait for tits and ass to come your way. It’s simple, it’s elegant, it’s ideal. But with an internal stage, it can’t happen. The five foot separation created by the bar makes any sort of interaction weird and awkward. Dancers have a hard time targeting any specific moves. And tipping requires both the tipper and the dancer to lean way over and reach out their arms to exchange any cash (it resembles the scene at a drive-through when you accidentally pull up too far from the window). Not acceptable.
Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – I was happy with the music and the general vibe, especially for Long Island. I half-expected to hear only house music and Billy Joel for the entire night, but the DJ played it relatively safe and stuck mostly to the classics. If I remember correctly, the lighting definitely could have been lower, but it wasn’t anything particularly uncomfortable. Really, this is the type of place that has a neutral-enough feel that your individual group can make the atmosphere whatever you want it to be (whether you’re just grabbing a few beers or really getting after it). My only complaint is the modified tip-walk that girls do on stage. It’s always a buzzkill to be sitting at the bar trying to enjoy a beer or watch a game, only to have a dancer drop the “Pssst, aren’t you gonna tip me?” I don’t blame the dancers; the internal stage setup basically forces them to do this shit, but it still sucks.
Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – On the one hand, Club Royale is directly off of Route 109 and just a stone’s throw from the Southern State Parkway. On the other, it’s in fucking Farmingdale, smack in the middle of Long Island, and totally inaccessible by any means other than a car (or a wedding transportation bus that you make pull over on the side of the road and drop you off on your way back to the hotel).
Overall – In many ways, this club is a Long Islander’s dream. You can buy some unnecessary shit at Walmart, catch a movie at the Regal 10, eat some overpriced babyback ribs at Chili’s, fist-pump at some douchey club called The Crazy Donkey (which I was really hoping was a Tijuana-style strip club), then see some titties, all without driving your Camaro more than half a mile. However, for those of you who don’t love strip malls and jagerbombs, Café Royale is mediocre at best.
TOTAL SCORE = 39
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