Quality of Dances (8/20): Hustler Las Vegas appears to have
dispensed with the pretense that it is a gentlemen’s club and instead gone
full-on brothel. Not since the golden days of legal indoor prostitution in
Rhode Island have I been propositioned with such unabashed vigor. There is no
shame in the game here, and it appears that management is completely on board
with it. Every woman I spoke to was openly discussing the fucking and sucking
that goes on in the back rooms. That these things are happening isn’t a
surprise, of course; everyone knows that. I was simply struck by the
routineness with which it was described. So commonplace are the blow jobs that
my turning one down elicited stunned laughter and relentless mocking by both
the two dancers who were with me, and a third who was called up just so that
she could be told the story in a “You’re not gonna believe this shit”
narrative.
Having said all of that, one would think that this score
should be in the high teens with all the mileage you’ll get, but the truth is
that the dances actually kind of suck. Yes, you can touch them and they will
touch you. Yes, you will get offers of extras galore. But there will be no
intimacy to your dance, no sensuality, no false hope that this woman might
actually like you, definitely more
than that last guy whose sweat you can still faintly smell despite her ample
Juicy Fruit perfume. No, there are no fantasies at Hustler; just the harsh
realities of sex-for-fee business transactions. Be forewarned. Not because
there is anything wrong with paying for sex, but rather because when you bust
your nut and you don’t have the emotional safety net of the illusion, it’s easy
to go to a place darker than that jizz-stained corner you just sacrificed your dignity
and paycheck in.
Quality of Dancers (8.5/10): It’s Vegas and this is a big
club, so the women are exactly what you’d expect. Some are so hot that you’ll
simultaneously thank God that they exist and curse Him for not giving you just enough
musical talent to be a listless skiver in a shitty band so that you might
actually have a chance with them. Some is probably an understatement; I actually
think most of them meet that description. The talent here is very impressive.
Number of Dancers (10/10): Good lord, they had a shitload of
women working here. So many, in fact, that it negatively impacted their Club Atmosphere score. I physically saw no fewer than 50 women on a random Monday
night, and those were just the wallflowers in my plain view. I wouldn’t be
shocked if well over 100 were working.
Attitude of Dancers (1/10): Aside from Fuzzy Holes,
this place is probably the most aptly-named strip club I’ve ever reviewed. These
guys hustle harder than Russell Westbrook. They are always closing; every
interaction is angled towards the back room, every conversation redirected to
the issue of dances and how you’re gonna get them paid. And God forbid you get
to the back room without a very clear negotiation and price laid out. I’d
rather go to ten time share presentations than one Hustler back room
discussion.
Club Setup (5/5): Like every Hustler I’ve ever reviewed, the
club setup here is excellent. High ceilings, two bars on opposite sides of the
club, multiple poles on a stage that’s visible from anywhere in the room, and
plenty of seating of all different types. I’m not sure there’s anything to
complain about here.
Dance Setup (3.5/5): Dances are given both on the floor (if
you feel like wasting a little bit of money) and in a series of rooms upstairs
with varying degrees of privacy (if you feel like wasting a lot of money). The
primary dance room upstairs is the typical partitioned booth setup, albeit a
little bit darker and a little bit more private that what one would normally
see. As always, the back corner booth sees the most action, with the dancers bee-lining
straight there upon entry. It’s a double-edged sword, naturally. Yes, nobody
can see you, but they couldn’t see that last bro either. Or the guy before him,
or the guy before him...you get the idea.
Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5): A bit white girl heavy,
but for the most part, all of the standard boxes are ticked, and I can almost
guarantee that you’ll find someone who can scratch your itch amongst these
women.
Value (2.5/10): As with all Vegas strip clubs, you should
never pay a cover if you’re dropped off by a cab, but they fuck you pretty good
by requiring you to buy two drink tickets at $20 each. Even at that outrageous
price, those tickets will only buy you a standard mixed drink, with something
special like a Redbull and Vodka running you another $5 or so on top of your
ticket. Dance value is well below average thanks to the neverending hustle and
inconsistent pricing schemes from dancers. And stage value appears not to
really exist since nobody is tipping outside of the aforementioned friends of
the amateurs.
Club Accessibility (4.5/5): Located just west of the Strip
on Dean Martin, it’s technically walkable, though you’d have to be very dumb,
very drunk, or very brave to make that walk after sundown. Don’t be an idiot, and
just take the 5 minute cab ride.
Overall – With the Hustler franchise being of
such consistent quality across locations and cities, it is tragic that their
Vegas locale falls well short of the standard they’ve set. In a city with
dozens of great strip clubs, I’m sorry to report that there’s really no reason
to waste your time at the Hustler Las Vegas. RAW SCORE = 52
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