Sunday, July 21, 2013

Fuzzy Holes (Johnson City, TN)

Quality of Dances (4.5/20) – There’s some one way contact here, but you know the dances aren’t going to be great when you’re told to put your hands on the armrests at the start. That’s not quite as bad as the table dances, though, where you’re technically supposed to put your hands behind you back. That’s fairly uncomfortable since there are small tables between every other chair that get in the way of both your arm and the dancer who is trying to get in the vicinity of your lap, but, considering the cost savings and the uselessness of the regular dances, the table dances are still a much better option. 

Quality of Dancers (4.5/10) – I saw two fairly hot dancers and several who were decent, but it’s definitely the kind of place where there are going to be some sloppy bellies and girls you’re probably going to want to avoid. This is the only club I’ve been to in Tennessee, so these ladies may be fairly good for this part of the country if you’re into tatted chicks, but they’re mediocre on the national scale. 

Number of Dancers (4/10) – There were only about a half dozen girls working during my Thursday night visit, but that was adequate given the lack of customers. I’ll have to take their word for it that the number of dancers goes up appropriately on Friday and Saturday evenings and when there are races in Bristol. 

Variety of Dancers (1/5) – I saw thin white ladies, thick white ladies, white ladies with blonde hair and white ladies with brown hair, but I got the impression that you’re out of luck if you’re looking for anything other than white ladies.

Attitudes (7.5/10) – As in most neighborhood clubs like this, you’re going to find dancers who are happy to sit and chat for a little while before trying to sell dances. At Fuzzy Holes, they’re particularly friendly and I didn’t have anyone ask for tips or even ask how much change I wanted when I handed them $40 for a $30 dance – they just gave me a ten-dollar bill back and acted like they assumed I wouldn’t be tipping anything. That, of course, lead to me giving them nice tips, which was probably their plan all along, but it still made for a nice experience.  

Value (6.5/10) – The $10 cover charge isn’t bad for a BYOB place (there’s a gas station that sells beer right down the street), $4 Red Bull is reasonable, the stage value is ok, the table dances are a bargain at $10 each, and they have either 2-for-1 table dances or 2-for-1 couch dances for at least a few hours most nights. Unfortunately, the full-priced $30 couch dances are a rip off, but my biggest problem with the value is that you don’t actually get to see any nudity here. I had assumed that a place called Fuzzy Holes would be fully nude, but it turns out that this is a pastie club. Even though the pasties are small, I expect to see bare titties in a tittie bar and Fuzzy Holes unfortunately isn’t legally allowed to live up to that expectation. 

Club Setup (3/10) – Fuzzy Holes is a little run down, but it’s a fairly large club with a decent main stage in the center of the room, a tiny caged stage in the corner, a small stage with a couch off to the one side and a weird vampire-themed stage on the other side (apparently all of the dancers dress up as vampires on Friday nights, but I didn’t get to witness that). The real problem with the club, though, is the seating. They have a few tall tables in the back, but everyone else is stuck in uncomfortable chairs lined up in rows facing the main stage, and small tables crammed between every other chair really just get in the way.

Dance Setup (3/10) – Lap dances are provided in the “VIP” room in the back where there are 4 or 5 couches and a small unused stage. There’s no privacy if anyone else is getting a dance while you are and the dj could see you if he wanted to, but I doubt that anyone else will be getting a dance unless you’re there on a 2-for-1 night and I didn’t notice the dj looking, so you’ll have at least some privacy.

Atmosphere (4/10) – For a neighborhood type of place, the atmosphere in here is decent. I don’t think that most places would be able to pull of the mix of hip hop and country music that the dj plays, but they play it at a reasonable volume and they somehow make it work. It was a little depressing when I was there because it was dead, but I think it could be fun if you show up with enough friends and enough beer. Then again, what place wouldn’t be fun if you did that?  

Location (2/5) – This place is about a half hour from Bristol Motor Speedway and slightly less far to the amazing Ridgewood Barbecue, but I suspect that most people who aren’t from here won’t have any reason to be much closer to Fuzzy holes than that. If you do find yourself in Johnson City, Tennessee, though, it’s not far at all from downtown.

Overall – I’ve been meaning to visit Fuzzy Holes for years due to its amazing name, but, unfortunately, the name is the highlight of the joint. I haven’t been to any other clubs around here so I can’t compare it to your other options if you’re in the area, but it’s really not a very good strip club. If I were in this area for an extended period of time, I’d make the 3-4 hour drive to one of the many very solid clubs in Atlanta, GA, Lexington, KY, or Columbia, SC, but I won’t be returning to Fuzzy Holes.   


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