Sunday, August 29, 2010

Mystique Gentlemen's Club (Bridgeport, CT)

Quality of Dances (8/20) – Given the location (both the city and the part of the club), I expected these dances to be amazing. They weren't bad, but they didn't live up to my lofty expectations and were about as tame as I've had in Bridgeport. You'll probably get a decent grind from the dancer's ass or knee, but two-way contact does not seem to be encouraged.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – The sample size is fairly small since I don't get to this area all that often, but the girls here are the best that I've seen in Bridgeport. Almost all of them are attractive and reasonably young, and I have yet to see a girl who I'd go out of my way to avoid.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They have a decent number of dancers and the ratio has always been pretty solid in my experience. If you're looking for a girl for a dance or for some conversation, you should be in luck.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – I've seen a good variety of body types and a mix of black and white dancers, with a lot of eastern Europeans. My only complaint is that I'd like to see some more Latinas in the mix, but if you're into the thicker girls that you'll find at a lot of the Bridgeport clubs, you may be a little disappointed.

Attitude of dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls are fairly friendly, though some are even more chatty that I'd like, with one girl in particular trying to convince me to help her sell the worst movie plot of all time to a studio. For the record, I have nothing to do with the movie industry, and based on her plot idea, this girl won't either. Or at least she'll never be in the kind of movies that have plots. A few of the girls just sit together in a corner of the club and don't really mix with customers, but overall, the attitudes aren't good enough to draw in customers or bad enough to keep them away.

Value (3.5/10) – The prices at Mystique are fairly standard for Connecticut. On a Friday evening, I paid a $5 cover, $4 for a beer and $20 for a solid but unspectacular dance. Because of the setup at the stage, you may feel a need to tip the dancers while you're sitting at the bar, which is unfortunate if you usually avoid spending money at the stage so that you have more for dances.

Dance Setup (2/10) – Dances are given in a separate room with its own unused stage. You sit on an uncomfortable individual bench style couch that forces you to recline somewhat, but there are no barriers in the room. As long as you're the only one getting a dance, it isn't too bad, but it's less than ideal if anyone else is back there.

Club Setup (2.5/10) – The club has a few small 2 person tables, but almost everyone sits around the horseshoe shaped bar that has an interior stage several feet away. You're too far from the stage to interact with the girls while they're dancing, and to give a tip, you have to throw wadded up $1s at the dancer. It's a good thing this club isn't in Canada, because you'd take someone's eye out if you tried that shit with a loonie.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – There's a pretty good vibe in here, especially considering that it's in Bridgeport. The stage setup makes no sense, but it does contribute to a fun atmosphere if the drinks are flowing.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – I wouldn't exactly say that this is a good neighborhood, but by Bridgeport standards, it isn't bad at all. Despite there not being a whole lot of available parking, I've never had a problem finding a spot.

Overall – There are better options in the area for aggressive dances, but Mystique isn't a bad choice if you're in Bridgeport and are hoping to see some attractive topless women, and it's a particularly good choice if getting out alive and disease-free is a priority for you.


Sunday, August 22, 2010

Foxy Lady Providence (Providence, RI)

Quality of Dances (10/20) - Pussy Control handled the dance duties for the night and she received very aggressive two-way contact from her dancer of choice. In absolute terms, Pussy described a quality of dance near 14, but I had to adjust for the Pussy factor. After many years of watching Pussy spit game, I know when she has someone under her spell, and this young woman was smitten. So for now, the score stands here, with adjustments to be made upon further visits.

Quality of Dancers (3/10) - As a lover of Providence clubs and women, I had great expectations for the Foxy Lady Providence, but they were dashed on this warm Sunday evening. At almost every high-quality club, I find a dancer I'd go broke for, but I ended this night with full pockets. Pussy was likewise underwhelmed; she lamented the lack of pretty faces to supplement otherwise solid bodies. Given my love for the dancers at Foxy Lady Brockton (sister club to FLP), I wouldn't be surprised if this was an off night. Nonetheless, the judgment stands.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) - Not enough booty in the pants. Although this place scores points for strong racial and ethnic diversity, the lack of lap dance asses was tragic. The vast majority of dancers were simply too skinny. Not gram-a-day-coke-habit skinny, more like needs-a-couple-of-BLT's-and-some-beers skinny. As loyal readers know, I don't frown on fitness, but a selection that consists of only wiry frames and narrow hips is not what I'm looking for.

Number of Dancers (7/10) - With at least a dozen dancers working on a Sunday night, the Foxy Lady does well here. The customer-to-dancer ratio was probably 2.5 to 1. Though that's not exactly the 1.5 to 1 gold standard set by Sapphire Las Vegas, it's still enough to please me.

Attitude (3.5/10) - It stings to burn the Foxy Lady Providence here because one of my readers is a seemingly chill and cool dancer that works there, but they just didn't impress. Knowing that women are often stripper Kryptonite at clubs (because they're less likely to go off for a big number in the back room like a dude), I tempered my expectations when I rolled in with Pussy and her ladyfriend. What I got, though, was not less attention than expected, but virtually no attention at all. Not a single dancer even approached my group all night. That's just not acceptable for a high-end place like the Foxy Lady. The one saving grace was the stage, where a few goofy, hilarious dancers found their way to Pussy and me and brightened our night.

Value (4/10) - $6 Miller Lites are slightly above the industry standard for an upscale Providence joint, as is the $7 daytime cover ($10 at night). Stage value is solid, not for motorboat contact like Club Fantasies, but for strong and creative pole skills. The dances would be good value at $15, but fall short for the $30 asking price.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) - Dances take place in a back room, which you're guided to through a short darkish hallway. They're way out of view from the main floor and have partitioned walls, so there is excellent privacy. Had Pussy decided to push the envelope, she surely would have had ample room to maneuver with this setup.

Club Setup (6.5/10) - The Foxy Lady just misses posting a very big club setup score. The main stage sits center-floor and acts as the club's focal point. It's large, has plenty of seating, and uses mirrors and light to cleverly highlight the dancers. I also love that a sort of scaffolding hangs from the ceiling around the stage's perimeter which the dancers can use to enhance their routines. Next to the stage sits a smaller pedestal with a glassed-in shower that surely rocks everyone's face off when in use. My only real complaint is the cramped comfy, rolly chairs on the floor. The tables and chairs are so close together that one has to move aside virtually every time a cocktail waitress comes through. There's a clear outside route, but anywhere within the sea of chairs is a disastrous path.

Atmosphere (5.5/10) - Pretty standard vibe in this place. The feel is a little high-class for my tastes, with the white floor-length linens on the tables and no real degenerates milling about (besides me), but it's fine if you're into that sort of experience.

Accessibility (3.5/5) - Like most Providence strip clubs, Foxy Lady Providence is just a short cab ride from downtown, making it relatively accessible.

Overall - Is the Foxy Lady my favorite club in Providence? No. Might it be yours? Definitely. If you're looking for a higher-end experience or are trying to pop your strip club cherry, there is no better option in the area. But if you're the type of man that likes his steak rare, his women loose, and his beer cheap, then Club Fantasies or The Cadillac Lounge are the places for you.


Sunday, August 15, 2010

Taboo Gentlemen's Club (Martinsburg, WV)

Quality of dances (7/20) – You can’t technically touch the dancers (they all seem fine with hands on hips or legs, just not elsewhere), but they can and will touch you. I was pleased with the grinding and boobies-in-my-face action, even if it was very much by the numbers. The girls are fully nude and eager to please, but not so eager as to offer any extras or allow full contact.

Quality of dancers (7/10) – All pretty, only one with fakies, and all with tight bodies. The lineup I saw on a slow Saturday afternoon was way above average.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – Hard to gauge given the time of the visit. There were more girls than guys in the club before a few more patrons filtered in, so my visit looked quite favorable. It sounds like this is a rare happening though; the bartender indicated that the previous night there were only five girls on, and that with the place packed.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Variety of body type gets high marks,with many shapes and sizes available. I appreciate a variety of different titty types, from big to small, firm to soft, and natural to natural-looking fakies. With only one girl sporting the implants, this looks like a win. Unfortunately, diversity consists of only one black girl.

Attitude of dancers (5/10) – Especially for their great bodies and beautiful faces, these are some of the least aggressive strippers I have encountered. They’re happy and easy to talk to, but not one of them asked if I wanted a private dance or even a drink. In my book, that's often a good thing; I prefers the subtle sell to the always-be-closing game found in most establishments. But here, the passiveness crossed the line into seeming apathy. Most were sitting around the bar and drinking or taking it easy. Perhaps they were tired from an exceptional shorthanded performance the previous evening (see Number of Dances comment), but it’s hard to believe they wanted to be on shift only to take their turns on stage once in a while.

Value (3.5/10) – Between 12pm and 2pm there is no cover, otherwise it’s $5. Drinks are $6 and served in the tiniest plastic cups obtainable. Private dances are $30 for five minutes, which is strictly enforced. I was heartened by obtaining a two for one coupon upon the paying the cover charge, but the dance seemed a bit short
of the full ten minutes. I’ll give Taboo the benefit of the doubt on that one, but it still leaves regular dances (no contact from you) at $30. There are no negotiations, as your dancer will head up to the man in charge, cut him his one third of the dance fee, and then head off with you for the allotted time. The champagne room gets you no extra contact. Yuck.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – Private dance rooms have entire couches to lie back on and are very comfortable. The rooms are right next to the bar but they all have curtains for privacy.

Club Setup (8/10) – Taboo’s layout is near ideal. The main stage has plenty of chairs at the rail, with more comfortable seating in chairs and couches behind and a section further back raised up a few steps. All the stage action is viewable from any bar seat, so you should always be able to find the girl you’re looking for.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) – This is a very laid back club. Just right if you’re not into negotiation, not interested in extras, and all right with talking to some very down to earth dancers. Too laid back if you’re wanting to get your grind on and starting to wonder if you need to yell “Where my girls at?” to get someone’s attention.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Right off route 9 in Martinsburg, WV is easy to find, but it’s a hike if you’re coming from Frederick or Hagerstown. Probably a godsend if you’re stuck in Virginia, where bottoms have to stay on and nipples have to stay covered.

Overall – I can deal with the one-way contact, but the lack of negotiation and the high prices bring down what could be a great club. The marquee outside the club makes it a point to advertise that Taboo is now serving food and there are wet t-shirt contests every Friday night. So what? I arrived at 2:10pm and still had to fork over a cover charge. Come on. The dances are paid for and done by the book, and that’s a huge downer. Just a few changes in policy would do wonders for this club, possibly enough to earn a Peter Tips seal of approval.


Sunday, August 8, 2010

Club Madonna (South Beach, FL)

Dances (9/20) - These dances could be fairly solid if it weren't for the constant attempts to upsell. I like to sit back and relax during a dance and you can't really do that here. These girls start with the hustle before the songs even start. "It's $25 (on top of the $25 dance fee) for you to touch me, $40 for me to touch you," etc., etc. up to "$300 for me to make you come." I gave the one girl a $10 tip to try end the sales pitch, but she still kept it going throughout the song. She did use her hands over the pants as a sample of what I could get for more cash, so there's contact to be had if you're willing to put up with the bullshit.

Dancers (6.5/10) - Most of these ladies look like the types who'd have been getting free drinks in the bars along Ocean Drive a few years ago, but once they got too old to compete with the 21 year-olds, they brought their talents to this South Beach establishment. The average age seems to be somewhere in the late 20's. Still, if you're willing to overlook the fake tits, most of these girls are reasonably attractive. I always prefer natural breasts of any size over implants, but I must admit that the doctors down here do much more convincing work that you'll find elsewhere in the U.S.

Variety (2.5/5) - There's a decent mix of white and Latina dancers, but you better like thin girls with fake tits and processed hair because that's 90% of what you'll find in here.

Number (8/10) - There are a ton of girls in this place, and even if the club is packed with customers, there are even more dancers. Whether it's a good thing or not, you'll never go more than a minute or two without being approached by one or more dancers.

Attitude (0/10) - I've never seen as much hustle as I found in this club. If these girls have any redeeming qualities, I didn't stay long enough to find them.

Atmosphere (1/10) - They get a point based on the numerous attractive female patrons, but the hustle is such a buzzkill that they don't deserve any more than that. Whether you're ordering a drink, trying to watch the stage action, getting a dance, or doing just about anything else, you'll be fighting off people who are trying to rip you off. If you let your guard down, you'll be taken. If you constantly have your guard up, that makes for a shitty strip club experience. And if that's not enough, the sheer level of douchebaggery in this place is enough to make Ed Hardy blush.

Club Setup (5.5/10) - This is a large room with high ceilings and a lot of couches/benches and small tables throughout. The bar is tiny and the main stage is smaller than you'd expect, though there were several smaller stages throughout the room that were unused while I was there. Some bigger tables and booths would make this place better for larger groups, but the setup is still decent overall.

Dance Setup (3/10) - Dances are given in individual chairs on the second floor of the club. There aren't any barriers between you and the other chairs, so the dancers and other customers who are getting dances have a clear view of you, but at least the people downstairs can't see what you're up to.

Value (0/10) - The advertised drink prices and the $25 dances aren't unreasonable for South Beach, but the prices that they actually charge for drinks, the $20 cover and the upgrade prices for lap dances are ridiculous.

Accessibility (5/5) - Club Madonna is within walking distance of anywhere in South Beach and is particularly close to the Loews Hotel. That's almost a bad thing because it means that you'll be tempted to stop by, but to be fair, I have to give them full credit.

Overall - This club sucks, which is a real shame since it has so much potential. A new manager could make this place solid within about 10 minutes and great within a few weeks, but they just don't have any motivation to put in the effort. They rely on a new batch of tourists each week, and they know that a lot of those tourists will be drunk enough to allow themselves to get ripped off. Even with the more savvy customers, the worst case scenario from the club's perspective is that you'll drop $20 on the cover, ~$10 on a drink and $25 on a dance before realizing what a hole this is and leaving. It's rare that a strip club qualifies as a tourist trap, but Club Madonna certainly does.


Sunday, August 1, 2010

Rumours (Stratford, CT)

Quality of dances (12.5/20) – There's two way contact and if you're willing to overlook the setting and the questionable cleanliness of the dancers, the dances are just about as good as extra-free dances can be. Still, it's tough to enjoy the dances too much when you've got a piece of wood from the chair sticking into your back and you're trying to figure out what the hell that residue is on your pants.

Quality of dancers (2.5/10) - A lot of the dancers here look like girls that you'd see working the street, and according to one dancer, some of them do. Most of the ladies aren't terribly old, but their best days are far behind them.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – There are a decent number of dancers, but a lot of them don't mingle at all, so it can be somewhat hard to find a girl for a dance. That's not a huge problem though since I don't know why you'd want a dance from any of these girls anyway unless you're tying to write a review for a strip club review website.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – I saw black and white dancers of varying body types, but I'm generally looking for a mix of attractive girls with this category, and I certainly didn't find that here.

Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – Most of the dancers spend a lot of time with the regulars, but a significant percentage of them seemed to be messed up on drugs and generally didn't seem like they'd be great to talk to.

Value (4/10) – There's no cover, but $4 drinks with a 2 drink minimum and $20 dances aren't a great value. At least not great enough to make up for the club's other deficiencies.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – There are two old shoe-shaped chairs in a corner near the pool tables, but the chairs are falling apart. A few plants are situated to partially obscure the view from the rest of the club, but you shouldn't do anything back there that you don't want everyone else to see, because they probably will.

Club Setup (3/10) – There's a large bar and a large stage, but the stage looks fairly shitty and has to be a constant source of splinters for the dancers. The section of pool tables in the back of the club seems to be the main draw to this place. That's fine of you're looking for a pool hall, but not so great if you're looking for a strip club.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The smoke in this club is ridiculous and the crowed seemed a little bit rough, but I didn't really feel like I was in danger here. The rumor is that there's a pretty heavy Hell's Angels presence in this place and whether or not that's true, it isn't hard to believe.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – This club is a short drive from Bridgeport, and though it's not far from Bishop's Corner, it seems to be much much safer.

Overall – If I hadn't been there to write a review, I'd have opened the door, taken one look around, then walked out, but since I took this one for the team, you don't even have to waste your time doing that much. I love strip clubs, but there are few things in the world that are more depressing than a bad one, and Rumours qualifies.