Sunday, November 28, 2010

Wild J's (Port Trevorton, PA)

Quality of Dances (12/20) – I was told that I could touch "anywhere but the puss," as long as I didn't bite or pinch the nipples, and most of the girls actively encourage tit grabbing.  They don't really try to make anything happen during the dances, but they do slide back and forth enough to make it enjoyable.  Even though it seems like the type of place where extras could be available for regulars, I haven't seen any signs that they are, and the cameras in the booths may make it hopeless.

Quality of Dancers (2/10) – These ladies certainly aren't central PA's finest.  There are usually a few decent girls, but the majority are a little sloppy, a little fat, or both.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – I've only been there on weekend evenings, so I can't speak to the number of dancers on the day shift, but I've always found many dancers in this place.  There are usually lots of customers too, but not so many that you should have any problem getting a girl's attention.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – I've seen a few black girls and one or two older Asians, but the vast majority of girls at Wild J's are white.  If you're expecting anything more than that though, you clearly aren't familiar with central PA.  I love this area, but James Carville's comment that Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh and Philadelphia with Alabama in between isn't too far off.  On the bright side, you shouldn't have any problem finding a girl that's the size you like, because these ladies vary from skinny to obese.  

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – There's some great interaction between customers and dancers who are on stage, and all of the ladies are generally friendly.  This score would be higher if it weren't for the fact that most of the dancers discuss expected tips before the dances.  As I've mentioned in other reviews, it's hard to blame the dancers for that in clubs that don't give them a cut of the dance fee, but it's still a downer of a way to start a dance.

Value (6/10) – They've got some strange pricing going on in this place.  It's $21 for 1 dance, $37 for 2 (though sometimes it's buy 2 get 1 free) and $53 for 3 dances, plus you're expected to tip at least $5-10 per song.  I'm not good enough at math to figure out whether or not that's a good deal, but the stage value is solid.  There's a $20 cover on the weekend, but that actually isn't bad considering that you get free beer (and shots the one night I was there) since they can't sell alcohol.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – Dances are given in small booths that have curtains and decent chairs that encourage partial reclining.  If it weren't for the cameras, this score would be even higher.

Club Setup (1/10) – This place is a bit of a dump.  There's one bright room with a pool table and not much else, and there's one dark room with a shitty stage and several uncomfortable chairs.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – Wild J's is a little dingy and it can be full of younger guys, but it's usually a fun loving crowd and a good place to hang out for a while.

Club Accessibility (0/5) – It's hard to imagine a less accessible club than this.  It's almost an hour from Harrisburg, and is at least that far from anywhere else that you'd ever need to be.

Overall – This is by far the best club in the area, though that's kind of like winning the Special Olympics - let's just say the competition isn't exactly top notch.  Because of the location, you'll probably either pass right by Wild J's or won't come within a half an hour of it.  If it's the former, it's worth stopping by; if not, it's not.    


Sunday, November 21, 2010

City Guide: Amsterdam / Red Light District

I recently had the opportunity to spend a few days in Amsterdam, and even though the mixed company prevented me from going completely wild, I spend a good bit of time checking out De Wallen (the famous Red Light District.) There are two other smaller red light districts in Amsterdam, but they're primarily frequented by locals who care more about avoiding the crowds than finding the hottest girls. De Wallen is fairly self-explanatory, but just in case you ever find yourself with only a few days there, hopefully my tips can save you from wasting any of your limited time getting oriented.

First of all, if you're reading this site, I'm assuming that you're a strip club enthusiast, so you should be warned that there's only one strip club in Amsterdam. There are several other establishments that bill themselves as strip clubs, but they're all either live sex shows or peep shows. For most bachelor parties, I'd think that the lack of customer interaction would make sex shows a little tame, but splitting up the party to each fuck a red light window prostitute seems a little intense. Not that I judge anyone for fucking red light window prostitutes, but I just can't imagine that most people would feel comfortable doing that with, say, their co-workers or their future brother-in-law. That's why strip clubs are the perfect bachelor party destination (and the perfect after work, lunch time, weekend or any other time destination), and why I was shocked that there aren't more in one of the world's premier adult entertainment destinations.  I'm assuming that there's some reason why there aren't more clubs, but either way, my new goal in life is to eventually open up a sweet club in this city.

Oude Kerk
Anyway, the only strip club in town is a little hidden if you don't know where to look, but it's right in the heart of the best part of the Red Light District.  The club is called La Vie en Proost, and it's at the end of a narrow alleyway (Bethlemsteeg) just south of Oude Kerk (the old church).  I didn't get a chance to go in the club because it didn't open until 8 the night that I was there, I had other places to be and I was told that it's mostly a waste of time, with wall-to-wall guys and mediocre girls.  Still, you'll be within a block or two of the club if you're looking for a window girl, so you don't really have anything to lose by checking it out as long as you're willing to bail if it sucks.  To find it, you get to the Oude Kerk, then just walk a little to the south along Oudezijds Voorburgwal.  If you see the first of the Bulldog establishments, you make a right turn down the alley beside it, but if you've somehow ended up back in the side streets, just look for the Sexy-Land adult store and wander around for a few minutes.  It's a little confusing to find it even once you're there since there's an open doorway beside the club with a "La Vie en Rose" sign.  This is not the club!  It's a very shady indoor area of red light booths where there are a few reasonably attractive ladies, but they're overly aggressive and it isn't somewhere that I'd feel entirely comfortable by myself after dark.  Most of the Red Light District seems perfectly safe, but the shadiness is off the charts back here, and the ladies hissing and offering to "suck and fuck" just distract you from the potential pickpockets.

Whether or not you're interested in the strip club, the area of alleyways near there has most of the best girls in the city.  Bethlemsteeg (the home of La Vie en Proost) changes names to Trompettersteeg when you cross Sint Annendwarsstraat near the Sexy-Land, and that's really the first area that you should check out.  As you can see from the picture, it's wide enough for no more than one person walking in each direction, but most of the alley is lined with some of the hottest prostitutes in the world.  The girls in the alleys all around this area are really hot though, so it's worth looking around whether you're trying to find the best use for your 50 Euros or you're just doing some sightseeing.

50 Euros for "fuck and suck" is standard for 15 minutes, so stick to your guns and don't bother with anyone who wants more than that.  Also, never trust the ladies who aren't as specific about what they'll be providing in exchange for your cash.  Just like in a strip club, you better agree to what you're getting in advance because if a girl just promises that "you won't be disappointed," I guarantee that you will be.  I'd stick to the Sexy-Land area, because there seem to be a lot more rip offs along main canal on Oudezijds Achterburgwal and in the alleys off of the main canal, the girls aren't as nearly as attractive as near the Oude Kerk.  In fact, on Bloedstraat, they may not even be girls at all.  I don't judge if that's your thing, but I'd hate to see you get tricked into getting blown by a lady with a dick if it's not, so you might want to do an extra thorough inspection before making any purchases on Bloedstraat.

Oudezijds Achterburgwal
As for the sex shows, Casa Rosso seems to be the consensus best option, so I decided to check it out.  It's right on Oudezijds Achterburgwal towards the southern end of the Red Light District, somewhere near where this picture was taken.

Casa Rosso is a little on the expensive side at 30 euros without drinks or 45 for entry with 4 drink tickets, but it's a unique experience that's probably worth doing once in your life.  Still, it wasn't one of the highlights of my trip and you wouldn't really be missing out to skip it. The customers were a fairly even mix between bachelor parties, bachelorette parties and couples, and the show lasts a little over an hour and is a continuous loop of 9 acts.  Three of them are full on sex, one is a lesbian dildo show, one is a banana show where a girl shoves a still-peeled banana into herself and squeezes it out bite by bite, one is a strip tease and one is a dominatrix act where the lady puts a dildo on a guys head, has him fuck her with it, then shoves it in his mouth without asking for permission.   That's just disgusting, and I've never been more thankful that I didn't volunteer for something.  I'm forgetting two of the acts, but I may have smoked about a dozen joints and eaten several space cakes before coming here, so I really had no idea what was going on.  Either way, it was an interesting way to spend an hour, though I wouldn't come here expecting to see something erotic.  Maybe it would be if you're horned up from an evening of window shopping, but it was more disturbing than anything to be high out of my mind watching people fucking on stage while Rammstein blared on the speakers.  I can't even imagine what it would be like if you've done some of the readily available magic truffles beforehand, but I have to think that it would make the Cirque du Soleil scene from Knocked Up look like child's play.

Dampkring Coffeeshop
That's it for my virtual tour of the Red Light District, but just in case you're coming to the Stripper Poll as your one-stop trip planning source, I have to highly recommend visiting the former Cannabis Cup winning Dampkring Coffeeshop (featured in Ocean's 12) if you're looking for something to smoke, then going around the corner to Vleminckx for some delicious chips with mayo, peanut sauce and onions afterwards.  There's better weed elsewhere in Amsterdam (I like Barney's in general and the Greenhouse for the Super Lemon Haze), but those places aren't right by Vleminckx.  Nothing beats Montreal poutine while in an altered state of mind, but this stuff comes pretty damn close.

Overall, Amsterdam is a great city and it's definitely worth a visit whether you're looking for adult entertainment, good weed, sightseeing or a little of all three.  Just don't come here looking for a strip club, because Amsterdam isn't the city for that.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Rose's Cantina (Groton, CT)

Quality of Dances (7/20) – These dances were about as good as I expected them to be, which is to say that they weren't very good at all. The only girl that I wasted my cash on rubbed her ass on my lap and was fine with me touching her legs, but she didn't work it all that hard and said that she had "fucked guys up" for inappropriate touching during dances. I'm not sure just how inappropriate you have to be to get fucked up, but the girl looked like she could do some damage in a fight, so I decided against pushing my luck. It's possible that I got a below average girl, but honestly, I'd be shocked if the other girls are any better than the one I sampled. I almost always try at least a few girls to make sure that the dance score is accurate, but the low quality of girls and the ridiculous dance prices made me just stick to one dance at Rose's.

Quality of Dancers (3/10) –  I've seen two mediocre girls and one who was downright sloppy, and even though that's a low sample size, I have a hard time imagining that the other girls are all that impressive either.  Since the girls down the street at the Gold Club seem to make decent money, I assume that most girls would work there if they were hot enough to compete. As with most shitty strip clubs, the two bartenders that I've seen have both been much more attractive than any of the dancers. Unfortunately, they wear shit like long-sleeved plaid shirts, so their hotness is largely wasted.

Number of Dancers (0/10) – During my first visit, there wasn't a single dancer in the place. I almost wrote a review based on that, but figured that a titty bar review based on a tittyless visit wouldn't be much better than a tittyless titty bar, so I bit the bullet and went out of my way to make a second trip to Groton. I guess the second trip was better, but not by much. Three ladies were working this time, but the only way that I knew that for my first 45 minutes in the place was that they walked from the changing room to the front door so they could smoke, then they walked right back to the changing room. They eventually mingled with customers, but the whole situation was unacceptable. Honestly though, this place is better off without dancers because then you can just pretend it's an awesome dive bar instead of a shitty strip club.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – Few girls means little variety.  All white girls means even less variety. Don't get your hopes up for Latinas based on the "Cantina" name; this place is as white as it gets. The little bit of variety comes in the thickness department, with one girl's saggy pickle tits almost hitting the floor when she was on all fours.

Attitude of Dancers (1/10) – This seems like the type of place where all of the dancers would call you "sweetie," but not so much. Hanging out in the back room and taking a group smoke break while a dozen paying customers sit around by themselves is bad enough, but even once the girls graced us with their presence, they still weren't real charmers. The girl that I got a dance from tried to convince me that I should give her a tip because she "gave me an extra half a song." By an extra half a song, apparently she meant the ten seconds of dancing that she did while the previous song faded out. One girl asked where I was from, and when I told her, she gave a sarcastic, "Oh, don't they have any clubs there?" Yeah, they do, but I went two hours out of my way to give this shithole a second chance to redeem itself after my first dancerless visit. Let's just say the redeeming wasn't really happening. And if their attitudes toward customers aren't bad enough, they just seemed like generally nasty people based on the one dancer who stole a tip that I'd left for another girl and another dancer who complained about the "jigaboo noise" that was playing.

Value (2/10) – There's no cover charge and beers are fairly cheap, with 16oz. PBRs for $3 and other bottles starting around $3.50.  That's not bad, but $30 dances are ridiculous for a place like this.

Dance Setup (1/10) –  There are two small booths toward the back of the club that open from the side so that most of the people in the club can't really see what's going on.  The chairs are basically big ugly wooden boxes, the edges are too close to keep you from achieving an optimal spreading of your legs, and they're basically just about as uncomfortable as possible. They do provide for some limited privacy since the chair is around the corner from the door, but the dance setup is really bad overall.

Club Setup (2/10) – The main area has a decent sized bar, 2 pool tables, a dart board, a few TVs and a big buck hunter arcade game.  It's a fairly solid setup for a bar, but then you notice that in the back, there's a little dog-leg section where there's a shitty stage and some chairs.  If you're actually trying to look at girls on stage, it's awkward at best.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – There isn't much of a strip club atmosphere in this place, but as a cantina, I love it.  During my first visit, there was a group of guys rolling dice, a weird old guy in a cowboy hat, and a bunch of other interesting characters all having a good time. 

Club Accessibility (2/5) – The location in a strip mall is kind of strange, but it's easy enough to get to and is right down the road from the Gold Club. There's plenty of parking, but you're almost certainly going to have to drive to get here.

Overall – If I were reviewing dive bars, Rose's Cantina would probably get my seal of approval, but since I'm not, it won't even come close. Actually, I had a much better time here during my first visit when there weren't dancers than during my second visit when there were. Maybe that's a product of different expectations, or maybe it's just the fact that I didn't waste $30 on a dance the first time, but either way, it doesn't say much for a titty bar when it's better without the titties. The Gold Club isn't a great club, but it's an infinitely better option if you're in Groton and are looking to see some attractive topless ladies.


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Club Babylon (Duncannon, PA)

Quality of Dances (8/20) –  Despite their best efforts to give a good dance, I had to physically push two of the girls away because they were smashing my sensitive parts.  I like to think they weren't used to guys with nuts as big as mine, but it's more likely that they just have no lap dance skills.  On the bright side, the girls that I got dances from at least attempted to use their legs to provide some friction and none of them had been working here for very long, so maybe they'll improve.  Thanks to the cameras, you won't get away with touching the upper bodies, but leg and hip touching seem to be fine.

Quality of Dancers (5/10) – Most of the girls here are fairly young and are in relatively good shape.  I wouldn't describe any of them as real beauty queens, but the majority of girls are decent and are certainly a lot better than the ones that you'd find across the street at Fantasy's Island.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – I've only been here once, so maybe my experience wasn't typical, but I saw about a half dozen dancers and about the same number of customers.  That isn't ideal for a Friday night, but it's still easy to find a girl for a dance within a minute or two if that's what you're looking for.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – I hope you're into white girls, because that's all that you're going to find here.  I'll give them half a point though, because the one girl had a tan, and for Duncannon, that counts as diversity.  There was also a little variation of body types.

Attitude of Dancers (2/10) –  I'm not a fan of paying for a dance in advance, but asking for a tip in advance is particularly bad.  I blame the club for that more than I blame the girls, since the girls don't even get a cut of the dance fees.  Either way though, it sucks.  I also didn't think that the girls circulated or chatted enough with customers, but they were at least fairly enthusiastic while on stage.

Value (7/10) –  BYOB is always a solid value, there's no cover, and the dances are a decent deal at 2 for $20 and 3 for $25.  You're expected to match the dance price for a tip, but 2 for $40 or 3 for $50 still isn't too bad.  The only real drawback is that there's not really a cheap way to sample a girl before dropping some significant money for multiple dances, so you have to invest a little time into scouting at the stage instead of just taking a chance with the first hot girl who approaches.

Dance Setup (3.5/10) – You get your own room for lap dances, but it's not nearly as sweet as it sounds since there's a window looking out to the main room and a camera that is monitored by whoever is working at the desk.  Still, it's nice to not have to worry about any other guys sitting near you, and the couch is fairly comfortable.

Club Setup (1.5/10) – The one half of the building is a porn store, but the club area has a real warehouse feel with a high ceiling, lots of concrete and several uncomfortable little chairs.  It really feels unfinished, and since it's a fairly new club, I'll hold out hope that they're still making improvements.  For now though, it's pretty shitty.

Club Atmosphere (1.5/10) – As with most strip clubs that don't serve alcohol, there seems to be a disproportionately high percentage of of young d-bags in this place.  BYOB is nice for people who live nearby, but unfortunately, I didn't have a cooler full of beer in my car when I was in the area, so I had to suffer through this place without the assistance of alcohol.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – It's right across the street from Fantasy's Island, but that's not a good thing.  Like everything else in Duncannon, Babylon is pretty much in the middle of nowhere, though you could get here from Harrisburg in a little under half an hour if you were so inclined.

Overall – You'd have to go out of your way to get to Club Babylon, but you'd have to be crazy to make the effort.  Harrisburg-based strip club enthusiasts don't have a lot of options, but if you're willing to drive this far, you're much better off driving a little further to the more mediocre (in a good way) Wild J's in Port Trevorton.