Sunday, December 26, 2010

Le Gentlemen's Choice (Montreal, QC)

Quality of Dances (11.5/20) – Tit grabbing is encouraged, but I was told that there is "no touching with your mouth, no touching between the legs and no grinding." The first two of those restrictions are pretty standard, but the no grinding policy is odd. Thankfully, not all of the girls follow that one, but even if they do, it's a strange thing to point out to customers. If you're more interested in looking than touching, you can also get a no-contact nude dance where some of the girls touch themselves for an extra $5. I'd much rather have them leave their bottoms on so that I can participate in the dance, but it's nice to have options available for those who want them.

Quality of Dancers (6/10) – These girls are reasonably attractive for anywhere else, but they're on the low end of what you're find in Montreal. Still, there are usually two or three very attractive girls working most nights and I don't think Montreal even allows truly ugly girls inside the city limits.

Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – They don't usually have as many dancers as most of the other nearby clubs, but since they don't usually get all that busy, you shouldn't have to compete with too many other guys for dances. You'll generally find more dancers than customers in here, especially early in the evening.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – They usually have a mix of black and white dancers, with several Caribbean dancers there on some nights. Most of the girls that I've seen have been thin enough that it's nice to look at them on stage, but I'd like to see a few slightly thicker girls to give me something to grab onto during the contact dances. Half the fun of being able to grab titties is gone if they're tiny, and all the fun is gone if they're fake.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of the girls that I've run into here have been fairly friendly with lots of smiles whether they're on stage or chatting with customers. Thanks to the relative lack of customers, most of the dancers are more than willing to sit and talk even for a while before asking if you want a dance. They do lose a few points for not offering to get change if you hand them a twenty for a $15 dance, but overall, I have no real complaints about the attitudes.

Value (5.5/10) – The $7.50 beers are about average for Montreal, but it's nice that they have an option to buy a pitcher for $20. As with everywhere else in Montreal, you don't have to tip at the stage and, as with most of the other places, the stage action is fully nude. The topless contact dances are $15 each and the nude no-contact dances are $20, both of which are fairly standard for Montreal but good deals nonetheless.

Dance Setup (6/10) – Lap dances are given in booths with no door, but no one can see in unless they're walking by. One nice touch at this place is that they have mirrors in front of the booths so you can see what you're grabbing on to.

Club Setup (3/10) – The setup here is exactly the same as at Club Downtown next door - the long but narrow club is on the 2nd floor of the building, it has a small bar to the left when you walk in and a smaller than average stage on the right side toward the back of the club. You can either sit at the stage or at one of the many tiny tables that are scattered around the room. It isn't great, but you'll be spending most of your time getting lap dances, so it isn't really a big deal.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – Due to the relative lack of customers, this place doesn't have the same party vibe as a lot of the Montreal clubs. Still, Molson Export + Quebecois titties = Fun, so I've always managed to have a good time.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Le Gentlemen's Choice is within a few blocks of the Centre Bell, the Crescent Street bars, several other strip club and many decent hotels. Basically, it has the best location ever.

Overall – Just like the now-closed Temptations club a block away, Le Gentlemen's Choice is a decent club that just can't stack up against the stiff competition from all of the other Montreal clubs. Strip club connoisseurs in cities like Boston or Toronto would kill to have even one club as good as Le Gentlemen's Choice, but since you could get to a half dozen better clubs within 10 minutes, it isn't worth your time.


Monday, December 20, 2010

Scores (Springfield, MA) - CLOSED

Quality of Dances (16/20) – Upon sitting down for my first dance here, the girl immediately reached to unzip my pants.  When I told her that I just wanted a standard aggressive dance, she said most of the girls there would "probably shit themselves" when they find out that a customer wasn't interested in a handie.  The score would be higher, but the actual dances are a little disappointing since actual dancing doesn't appear to be a focus here.   

Quality of Dancers (1.5/10) – As you'd expect at an urban club such as this, most of the girls are on the larger side. In fact, when they were the Club 418, they advertised that they had the "Biggest Girls in New England." I don't think they quite earn that title anymore (a few of the Bridgeport clubs are the current favorites for that distinction), but they're certainly in the running. Some of the girls are disgusting, but a few are tolerable and you'll usually be able to find a girl or two worth getting a dance from.  This number would go up to around a 4 if there was any quality control whatsoever, but there's not.    

Number of Dancers (5/10) – This is a small club and the number of dancers is about what you'd expect, but the dancer-to-customer ratio is always favorable, rarely falling far below 1-to-1.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) - I've only see black and white dancers here, but there's a wide variety of body types (emphasis on wide).

Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls are reasonably friendly, but I had to hear a few too many sob stories about car troubles and the other customary "please give me a good tip" topics. On a more positive note, this isn't the type on place that's going to get a lot of random visitors, so they try particularly hard to keep the regulars happy.

Value (5.5/10) – The drinks and nighttime cover are a fairly standard 4 or 5 dollars each, and you'll get a needlessly graphic stage show for a buck or two, but the "dances" are what will make or break the value of this place for most customers.  Twenty five dollars is a lot for a lap dance, but it's not much for the other services that they're provide during the "dances," so the value really depends on what you're looking for.  I was quoted $130 for the VIP dances, but you might be able to negotiate a better value if you try.  I definitely did not, because I had no interest in engaging in what I suspect happens back there with these ladies for any price.  

Dance Setup (1/10) – There's a small curtained off area in the back of the club for the regular dances, but you're not shielded at all from other dance customers and people at some parts of the bar can see you as well.  If you're willing to drop some more cash for the VIP dances, you get a couch inside a curtained booth, but you'd be better off just going somewhere else if you're even considering spending more than $50.

Club Setup (0.5/10) – This place is a dump.  There are one or two tables, but everyone sits at the large bar, and the stage is inside the bar.  There's a channel down the center of the stage so the bartender can try to reach across the stage to pass customers drinks, but it's a really poorly thought-out setup.  

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This is the old Club 418 which shut down for about a year after several people were shot here in 2009.  The club has a different name and a metal detector, but not a whole lot else has changed.  It doesn't seem all that dangerous here during the day, but this isn't a club that I'd have any interest in visiting at night.  They also lose points because of the half hour stage sets, and they don't even allow girls end their sets early if a customer asks them for a dance.  It's not quiet as bad as it sounds since several girls dance at a time, but it's a ridiculous policy that doesn't benefit the dancers or the customers. I have to believe the policy will be short-lived though, so it may not be an issue by the time you're reading this.      

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – This club is in downtown Springfield and isn't all that far from a few hotels, but it isn't in the greatest area.  I wouldn't recommend getting stupid drunk here anyway though, so the fact that you'll probably be driving to get to Scores isn't a huge problem.

Overall – If you're looking for high-mileage lap dances, this place is a solid, if somewhat dangerous, option.  If you're looking for anything else, you're better off going elsewhere.


Note: Scores was formerly known as Lace and Club 418.  It exploded on November 23, 2012.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Sweetheart's (Vernon, CT)

Note: Sweetheart's was formerly Kahoots Vernon.

Quality of Dances (16/20) - There's a lot of variation from girl to girl, but everyone offers a good grind with the help of the handles on the sides of the booths and allows full 2-way contact.  Most of the girls also make at least some contact with their hands over the pants, and many of the girls offer extras.

Quality of Dancers (4/10) - Most of these girls are somewhat attractive but few if any of them are great.  If you know the quality of girls at the other local clubs, I'd say that these ladies fall about midway between what you'd find at Kahoots in East Hartford and at the Blue in Tolland.  The way they look wouldn't really be a problem though if it weren't for the the amount of wear and tear on most of these girls. Some nights, it isn't too bad, but other nights you can literally see the track marks.  On those nights, even knowing how good the dances are, I just can't justify allowing any of the ladies to touch my pants.

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) - I saw two girls here during my first visit, and even though I was told that I was there at a particularly slow time, 8:30 pm on a weekday should never be that slow.  There have been closer to a half dozen girls working during my other visits, but that's still not nearly enough.  Plus the girls seem to spend a lot of time with regulars, so infrequent visitors might have a tough time getting a girl's attention without dropping some cash at the stage.  And they don't even necessarily encourage that.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - I've seen mostly young white girls at Sweethearts, but there's usually a least one Latina working as well.  They employ girls of all body types, though you might not see too much variation on any given night since there might only be 2-4 girls in the place.

Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) - I've seen several girls just sit down with their top on and talk to a guy for the entire set. I just sit there with a wad of dollar bills ready to go, but a girl has to at least give a little effort if she expects a tip.  You don't tip a waitress before she serves the meal, so I'm not sure why some ladies think they should get a tip before taking the titties out.  The girls haven't been too bad to talk to other than that, but if you don't buy a dance fairly quickly, they'll be right back to the regulars.

Club Setup (5.5/10) - Though it isn't huge, the stage is fairly nice and is plenty big for two girls to dance at a time.  The stage has a very wide edge that separates customers from the dance floor, but most of the girls just crawl around on it to get closer to you.  The small 2-person booths that surround the stage are also a nice option if you're visiting by yourself or with one other guy.  The bar is fairly small and is surrounded by flat screen TVs, but there are no TVs in the much larger main room.  There's also there a pool table and a few decent tables there near the bar in view of the TVs.   Overall, this place isn't particularly well thought out, but it's still a lot nicer inside than you'd expect from the parking lot.

Dance Setup (7/10) - Lap dances are given in nice large booths with large sides and a roof.  It almost feels like you're getting into the cockpit of a strange R-rated space shuttle when you sit down.  Even though there's no door on the booths, no one can see you unless they're walking by because there's a curtain down the center of the room that prevents people in the opposing booths from watching. Also, since the booths are in a separate area of the club, it's fairly rare for anyone to walk by.  There are curiously bright lights in each booth, but most of the girls thankfully turn those off before they get down to business.

Atmosphere (1.5/10) - Sweetheart's seems safe enough, but the small bar and the tiny booths prevent it from being ideal for groups.  I can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is, but I just generally don't get a great feeling from the place

Value (1.5/10) - I can deal with the $5 cover in the evenings, the $4 drinks and the decent topless stage action, but the $30 dances are brutal.  Dances were recently $20 each, but I guess they assumed that the perfect time to raise prices by 50% is during a recession.

Accessibility (1.5/5) - Sweetheart's isn't too far from Hartford, but it isn't particularly close to the interstate or anything else noteworthy.

Overall - Sweetheart's is fairly mediocre overall, but the lap dances are good enough to make it a fun place if dances are your top priority.  The problem for them is that they can't get by on lap dances alone when they're located less than 10 minutes away from some of the most aggressive (in a good way) dancers in the United States over at Electric Blue.  If you're just passing through the area, the Blue is the way to go, but if you're always around here and are looking to mix things up, you'll probably have a decent time at Sweethearts.   Honestly though, why would you want to mix things up from the Blue?


Saturday, December 4, 2010

Some Updates

I'm getting fairly close to launching a proper website, The Stripper Poll.  The first draft is done and I'll be going live once I get it cleaned up and make sure the searches are all functioning properly. will be the place to find all my latest news and reviews. In addition, you'll be able to read my bachelor party guides, find out more about my featured dancers, and locate and compare all the best clubs in your area with a convenient search utility. For the dancers and club owners who are reading this, I'll be looking to line up some dancers of the month, so let me know if you're interested.  

In the meantime, I'll keep the new reviews coming on here every Sunday evening, so keep your eyes peeled and check back regularly to make sure you're not missing anything!  

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Wild J's (Port Trevorton, PA)

Quality of Dances (12/20) – I was told that I could touch "anywhere but the puss," as long as I didn't bite or pinch the nipples, and most of the girls actively encourage tit grabbing.  They don't really try to make anything happen during the dances, but they do slide back and forth enough to make it enjoyable.  Even though it seems like the type of place where extras could be available for regulars, I haven't seen any signs that they are, and the cameras in the booths may make it hopeless.

Quality of Dancers (2/10) – These ladies certainly aren't central PA's finest.  There are usually a few decent girls, but the majority are a little sloppy, a little fat, or both.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – I've only been there on weekend evenings, so I can't speak to the number of dancers on the day shift, but I've always found many dancers in this place.  There are usually lots of customers too, but not so many that you should have any problem getting a girl's attention.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – I've seen a few black girls and one or two older Asians, but the vast majority of girls at Wild J's are white.  If you're expecting anything more than that though, you clearly aren't familiar with central PA.  I love this area, but James Carville's comment that Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh and Philadelphia with Alabama in between isn't too far off.  On the bright side, you shouldn't have any problem finding a girl that's the size you like, because these ladies vary from skinny to obese.  

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – There's some great interaction between customers and dancers who are on stage, and all of the ladies are generally friendly.  This score would be higher if it weren't for the fact that most of the dancers discuss expected tips before the dances.  As I've mentioned in other reviews, it's hard to blame the dancers for that in clubs that don't give them a cut of the dance fee, but it's still a downer of a way to start a dance.

Value (6/10) – They've got some strange pricing going on in this place.  It's $21 for 1 dance, $37 for 2 (though sometimes it's buy 2 get 1 free) and $53 for 3 dances, plus you're expected to tip at least $5-10 per song.  I'm not good enough at math to figure out whether or not that's a good deal, but the stage value is solid.  There's a $20 cover on the weekend, but that actually isn't bad considering that you get free beer (and shots the one night I was there) since they can't sell alcohol.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – Dances are given in small booths that have curtains and decent chairs that encourage partial reclining.  If it weren't for the cameras, this score would be even higher.

Club Setup (1/10) – This place is a bit of a dump.  There's one bright room with a pool table and not much else, and there's one dark room with a shitty stage and several uncomfortable chairs.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – Wild J's is a little dingy and it can be full of younger guys, but it's usually a fun loving crowd and a good place to hang out for a while.

Club Accessibility (0/5) – It's hard to imagine a less accessible club than this.  It's almost an hour from Harrisburg, and is at least that far from anywhere else that you'd ever need to be.

Overall – This is by far the best club in the area, though that's kind of like winning the Special Olympics - let's just say the competition isn't exactly top notch.  Because of the location, you'll probably either pass right by Wild J's or won't come within a half an hour of it.  If it's the former, it's worth stopping by; if not, it's not.    


Sunday, November 21, 2010

City Guide: Amsterdam / Red Light District

I recently had the opportunity to spend a few days in Amsterdam, and even though the mixed company prevented me from going completely wild, I spend a good bit of time checking out De Wallen (the famous Red Light District.) There are two other smaller red light districts in Amsterdam, but they're primarily frequented by locals who care more about avoiding the crowds than finding the hottest girls. De Wallen is fairly self-explanatory, but just in case you ever find yourself with only a few days there, hopefully my tips can save you from wasting any of your limited time getting oriented.

First of all, if you're reading this site, I'm assuming that you're a strip club enthusiast, so you should be warned that there's only one strip club in Amsterdam. There are several other establishments that bill themselves as strip clubs, but they're all either live sex shows or peep shows. For most bachelor parties, I'd think that the lack of customer interaction would make sex shows a little tame, but splitting up the party to each fuck a red light window prostitute seems a little intense. Not that I judge anyone for fucking red light window prostitutes, but I just can't imagine that most people would feel comfortable doing that with, say, their co-workers or their future brother-in-law. That's why strip clubs are the perfect bachelor party destination (and the perfect after work, lunch time, weekend or any other time destination), and why I was shocked that there aren't more in one of the world's premier adult entertainment destinations.  I'm assuming that there's some reason why there aren't more clubs, but either way, my new goal in life is to eventually open up a sweet club in this city.

Oude Kerk
Anyway, the only strip club in town is a little hidden if you don't know where to look, but it's right in the heart of the best part of the Red Light District.  The club is called La Vie en Proost, and it's at the end of a narrow alleyway (Bethlemsteeg) just south of Oude Kerk (the old church).  I didn't get a chance to go in the club because it didn't open until 8 the night that I was there, I had other places to be and I was told that it's mostly a waste of time, with wall-to-wall guys and mediocre girls.  Still, you'll be within a block or two of the club if you're looking for a window girl, so you don't really have anything to lose by checking it out as long as you're willing to bail if it sucks.  To find it, you get to the Oude Kerk, then just walk a little to the south along Oudezijds Voorburgwal.  If you see the first of the Bulldog establishments, you make a right turn down the alley beside it, but if you've somehow ended up back in the side streets, just look for the Sexy-Land adult store and wander around for a few minutes.  It's a little confusing to find it even once you're there since there's an open doorway beside the club with a "La Vie en Rose" sign.  This is not the club!  It's a very shady indoor area of red light booths where there are a few reasonably attractive ladies, but they're overly aggressive and it isn't somewhere that I'd feel entirely comfortable by myself after dark.  Most of the Red Light District seems perfectly safe, but the shadiness is off the charts back here, and the ladies hissing and offering to "suck and fuck" just distract you from the potential pickpockets.

Whether or not you're interested in the strip club, the area of alleyways near there has most of the best girls in the city.  Bethlemsteeg (the home of La Vie en Proost) changes names to Trompettersteeg when you cross Sint Annendwarsstraat near the Sexy-Land, and that's really the first area that you should check out.  As you can see from the picture, it's wide enough for no more than one person walking in each direction, but most of the alley is lined with some of the hottest prostitutes in the world.  The girls in the alleys all around this area are really hot though, so it's worth looking around whether you're trying to find the best use for your 50 Euros or you're just doing some sightseeing.

50 Euros for "fuck and suck" is standard for 15 minutes, so stick to your guns and don't bother with anyone who wants more than that.  Also, never trust the ladies who aren't as specific about what they'll be providing in exchange for your cash.  Just like in a strip club, you better agree to what you're getting in advance because if a girl just promises that "you won't be disappointed," I guarantee that you will be.  I'd stick to the Sexy-Land area, because there seem to be a lot more rip offs along main canal on Oudezijds Achterburgwal and in the alleys off of the main canal, the girls aren't as nearly as attractive as near the Oude Kerk.  In fact, on Bloedstraat, they may not even be girls at all.  I don't judge if that's your thing, but I'd hate to see you get tricked into getting blown by a lady with a dick if it's not, so you might want to do an extra thorough inspection before making any purchases on Bloedstraat.

Oudezijds Achterburgwal
As for the sex shows, Casa Rosso seems to be the consensus best option, so I decided to check it out.  It's right on Oudezijds Achterburgwal towards the southern end of the Red Light District, somewhere near where this picture was taken.

Casa Rosso is a little on the expensive side at 30 euros without drinks or 45 for entry with 4 drink tickets, but it's a unique experience that's probably worth doing once in your life.  Still, it wasn't one of the highlights of my trip and you wouldn't really be missing out to skip it. The customers were a fairly even mix between bachelor parties, bachelorette parties and couples, and the show lasts a little over an hour and is a continuous loop of 9 acts.  Three of them are full on sex, one is a lesbian dildo show, one is a banana show where a girl shoves a still-peeled banana into herself and squeezes it out bite by bite, one is a strip tease and one is a dominatrix act where the lady puts a dildo on a guys head, has him fuck her with it, then shoves it in his mouth without asking for permission.   That's just disgusting, and I've never been more thankful that I didn't volunteer for something.  I'm forgetting two of the acts, but I may have smoked about a dozen joints and eaten several space cakes before coming here, so I really had no idea what was going on.  Either way, it was an interesting way to spend an hour, though I wouldn't come here expecting to see something erotic.  Maybe it would be if you're horned up from an evening of window shopping, but it was more disturbing than anything to be high out of my mind watching people fucking on stage while Rammstein blared on the speakers.  I can't even imagine what it would be like if you've done some of the readily available magic truffles beforehand, but I have to think that it would make the Cirque du Soleil scene from Knocked Up look like child's play.

Dampkring Coffeeshop
That's it for my virtual tour of the Red Light District, but just in case you're coming to the Stripper Poll as your one-stop trip planning source, I have to highly recommend visiting the former Cannabis Cup winning Dampkring Coffeeshop (featured in Ocean's 12) if you're looking for something to smoke, then going around the corner to Vleminckx for some delicious chips with mayo, peanut sauce and onions afterwards.  There's better weed elsewhere in Amsterdam (I like Barney's in general and the Greenhouse for the Super Lemon Haze), but those places aren't right by Vleminckx.  Nothing beats Montreal poutine while in an altered state of mind, but this stuff comes pretty damn close.

Overall, Amsterdam is a great city and it's definitely worth a visit whether you're looking for adult entertainment, good weed, sightseeing or a little of all three.  Just don't come here looking for a strip club, because Amsterdam isn't the city for that.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Rose's Cantina (Groton, CT)

Quality of Dances (7/20) – These dances were about as good as I expected them to be, which is to say that they weren't very good at all. The only girl that I wasted my cash on rubbed her ass on my lap and was fine with me touching her legs, but she didn't work it all that hard and said that she had "fucked guys up" for inappropriate touching during dances. I'm not sure just how inappropriate you have to be to get fucked up, but the girl looked like she could do some damage in a fight, so I decided against pushing my luck. It's possible that I got a below average girl, but honestly, I'd be shocked if the other girls are any better than the one I sampled. I almost always try at least a few girls to make sure that the dance score is accurate, but the low quality of girls and the ridiculous dance prices made me just stick to one dance at Rose's.

Quality of Dancers (3/10) –  I've seen two mediocre girls and one who was downright sloppy, and even though that's a low sample size, I have a hard time imagining that the other girls are all that impressive either.  Since the girls down the street at the Gold Club seem to make decent money, I assume that most girls would work there if they were hot enough to compete. As with most shitty strip clubs, the two bartenders that I've seen have both been much more attractive than any of the dancers. Unfortunately, they wear shit like long-sleeved plaid shirts, so their hotness is largely wasted.

Number of Dancers (0/10) – During my first visit, there wasn't a single dancer in the place. I almost wrote a review based on that, but figured that a titty bar review based on a tittyless visit wouldn't be much better than a tittyless titty bar, so I bit the bullet and went out of my way to make a second trip to Groton. I guess the second trip was better, but not by much. Three ladies were working this time, but the only way that I knew that for my first 45 minutes in the place was that they walked from the changing room to the front door so they could smoke, then they walked right back to the changing room. They eventually mingled with customers, but the whole situation was unacceptable. Honestly though, this place is better off without dancers because then you can just pretend it's an awesome dive bar instead of a shitty strip club.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – Few girls means little variety.  All white girls means even less variety. Don't get your hopes up for Latinas based on the "Cantina" name; this place is as white as it gets. The little bit of variety comes in the thickness department, with one girl's saggy pickle tits almost hitting the floor when she was on all fours.

Attitude of Dancers (1/10) – This seems like the type of place where all of the dancers would call you "sweetie," but not so much. Hanging out in the back room and taking a group smoke break while a dozen paying customers sit around by themselves is bad enough, but even once the girls graced us with their presence, they still weren't real charmers. The girl that I got a dance from tried to convince me that I should give her a tip because she "gave me an extra half a song." By an extra half a song, apparently she meant the ten seconds of dancing that she did while the previous song faded out. One girl asked where I was from, and when I told her, she gave a sarcastic, "Oh, don't they have any clubs there?" Yeah, they do, but I went two hours out of my way to give this shithole a second chance to redeem itself after my first dancerless visit. Let's just say the redeeming wasn't really happening. And if their attitudes toward customers aren't bad enough, they just seemed like generally nasty people based on the one dancer who stole a tip that I'd left for another girl and another dancer who complained about the "jigaboo noise" that was playing.

Value (2/10) – There's no cover charge and beers are fairly cheap, with 16oz. PBRs for $3 and other bottles starting around $3.50.  That's not bad, but $30 dances are ridiculous for a place like this.

Dance Setup (1/10) –  There are two small booths toward the back of the club that open from the side so that most of the people in the club can't really see what's going on.  The chairs are basically big ugly wooden boxes, the edges are too close to keep you from achieving an optimal spreading of your legs, and they're basically just about as uncomfortable as possible. They do provide for some limited privacy since the chair is around the corner from the door, but the dance setup is really bad overall.

Club Setup (2/10) – The main area has a decent sized bar, 2 pool tables, a dart board, a few TVs and a big buck hunter arcade game.  It's a fairly solid setup for a bar, but then you notice that in the back, there's a little dog-leg section where there's a shitty stage and some chairs.  If you're actually trying to look at girls on stage, it's awkward at best.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – There isn't much of a strip club atmosphere in this place, but as a cantina, I love it.  During my first visit, there was a group of guys rolling dice, a weird old guy in a cowboy hat, and a bunch of other interesting characters all having a good time. 

Club Accessibility (2/5) – The location in a strip mall is kind of strange, but it's easy enough to get to and is right down the road from the Gold Club. There's plenty of parking, but you're almost certainly going to have to drive to get here.

Overall – If I were reviewing dive bars, Rose's Cantina would probably get my seal of approval, but since I'm not, it won't even come close. Actually, I had a much better time here during my first visit when there weren't dancers than during my second visit when there were. Maybe that's a product of different expectations, or maybe it's just the fact that I didn't waste $30 on a dance the first time, but either way, it doesn't say much for a titty bar when it's better without the titties. The Gold Club isn't a great club, but it's an infinitely better option if you're in Groton and are looking to see some attractive topless ladies.


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Club Babylon (Duncannon, PA)

Quality of Dances (8/20) –  Despite their best efforts to give a good dance, I had to physically push two of the girls away because they were smashing my sensitive parts.  I like to think they weren't used to guys with nuts as big as mine, but it's more likely that they just have no lap dance skills.  On the bright side, the girls that I got dances from at least attempted to use their legs to provide some friction and none of them had been working here for very long, so maybe they'll improve.  Thanks to the cameras, you won't get away with touching the upper bodies, but leg and hip touching seem to be fine.

Quality of Dancers (5/10) – Most of the girls here are fairly young and are in relatively good shape.  I wouldn't describe any of them as real beauty queens, but the majority of girls are decent and are certainly a lot better than the ones that you'd find across the street at Fantasy's Island.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – I've only been here once, so maybe my experience wasn't typical, but I saw about a half dozen dancers and about the same number of customers.  That isn't ideal for a Friday night, but it's still easy to find a girl for a dance within a minute or two if that's what you're looking for.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – I hope you're into white girls, because that's all that you're going to find here.  I'll give them half a point though, because the one girl had a tan, and for Duncannon, that counts as diversity.  There was also a little variation of body types.

Attitude of Dancers (2/10) –  I'm not a fan of paying for a dance in advance, but asking for a tip in advance is particularly bad.  I blame the club for that more than I blame the girls, since the girls don't even get a cut of the dance fees.  Either way though, it sucks.  I also didn't think that the girls circulated or chatted enough with customers, but they were at least fairly enthusiastic while on stage.

Value (7/10) –  BYOB is always a solid value, there's no cover, and the dances are a decent deal at 2 for $20 and 3 for $25.  You're expected to match the dance price for a tip, but 2 for $40 or 3 for $50 still isn't too bad.  The only real drawback is that there's not really a cheap way to sample a girl before dropping some significant money for multiple dances, so you have to invest a little time into scouting at the stage instead of just taking a chance with the first hot girl who approaches.

Dance Setup (3.5/10) – You get your own room for lap dances, but it's not nearly as sweet as it sounds since there's a window looking out to the main room and a camera that is monitored by whoever is working at the desk.  Still, it's nice to not have to worry about any other guys sitting near you, and the couch is fairly comfortable.

Club Setup (1.5/10) – The one half of the building is a porn store, but the club area has a real warehouse feel with a high ceiling, lots of concrete and several uncomfortable little chairs.  It really feels unfinished, and since it's a fairly new club, I'll hold out hope that they're still making improvements.  For now though, it's pretty shitty.

Club Atmosphere (1.5/10) – As with most strip clubs that don't serve alcohol, there seems to be a disproportionately high percentage of of young d-bags in this place.  BYOB is nice for people who live nearby, but unfortunately, I didn't have a cooler full of beer in my car when I was in the area, so I had to suffer through this place without the assistance of alcohol.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – It's right across the street from Fantasy's Island, but that's not a good thing.  Like everything else in Duncannon, Babylon is pretty much in the middle of nowhere, though you could get here from Harrisburg in a little under half an hour if you were so inclined.

Overall – You'd have to go out of your way to get to Club Babylon, but you'd have to be crazy to make the effort.  Harrisburg-based strip club enthusiasts don't have a lot of options, but if you're willing to drive this far, you're much better off driving a little further to the more mediocre (in a good way) Wild J's in Port Trevorton.


Sunday, October 31, 2010

Cafe Royale (Farmingdale, NY)

Quality of dances (8/20) – I was happy with the one-way contact, complete with some skillful knee grinding, but disappointed that I got the feeling the action ended there. With a club full of Russians (see Variety/Diversity below), my expectations are always sky high, and it’s crushing when they fall short. These girls were handcuffed by the dance setup, for sure, so who knows what tricks they might pull with more privacy; it may be worth giving the back room a shot, but until I see it, I just can’t believe it.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – I love Long Island girls, so I was really disappointed at the lack of homegrown talent. When I’m on Strong Isle, I expect the girls to look like tanner, sluttier versions of Katy Perry or thicker versions of Drea de Matteo. If they didn’t spend ninety minutes putting on makeup before they left their house that morning, I’m just not interested. These women, while not unattractive, weren’t really making it happen.

Number of dancers (4/10) – No matter what the club size, no matter what the club location, half a dozen dancers on a Saturday night is not acceptable. I demand more.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – This category is a little tricky to rate for Café Royale. At first glance, there appeared to be significant diversity: a black girl, a Filipino-looking girl, and a few white girls with varying skin tones. So far, so good, until I started talking to them and found out that, with the exception of the black girl, every one of them was Russian, even the faux Filipino. And so were both bartenders. I half-expected to open the wrong door and see a bunch of bears riding unicycles or Teddy KGB chewing on Oreos. I think we’ve all heard stories about the Russian mob importing strippers to work in New York, so maybe that’s what’s going on here. Or maybe Farmingdale just reminds these girls of the Motherland. Who knows.

Body type diversity was definitely lacking. I didn’t see a single lap dance ass when I was there. Having spent tons of time on Long Island, I know there are plenty of such asses available, so it was a letdown that they didn’t find their way to the club.

Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – Nothing really significant to report here. The shortage of dancers made it a little difficult to get anyone’s attention. When they did come around, they were friendly enough, but with a business-like vibe. I definitely wouldn’t describe them as particularly outgoing or fun. Nor would I say they are the ice-cold hustlers that you often encounter working a floor.

Value (5/10) – I have to be honest: I was really drunk when I got to this place, so I don’t remember what the cover was. I was traveling with a cheap dude who doesn’t really like strip clubs, so I’m sure it was $5 or less on a Saturday night, because he wouldn’t have paid it otherwise. As for the cost of drinks, I can’t give a definite answer there either, seeing as I signed the tab without looking at individual drink prices and then proceeded to leave both my ID and credit card at the club. However, some research on their website indicates that drink prices are relatively inexpensive ($3 domestics during all football games, $5 for any drink during Happy Hour). That leads me to think that Miller Lites were something in the range of $5 on my random Saturday night, which is passable. At $20, dances provide standard value. Stage value was basically non-existent (see Club Setup below).

Dance Setup (1/10) – Tremendous fail here by Café Royale. Standard dances occur in a slightly-raised part of the club, maybe 15 feet back from the bar, which is filled with rolly chairs, tables and a few benches. The tables and chairs are obviously for hanging out, and it seems that the benches are the prime dancing spot when this particular area is packed. Whether your dance occurs in a rolly chair or on a bench, privacy is impossible, with nearly the entire club having an unobstructed sight line to your spot.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – Very standard blah setup here. A horseshoe-shaped bar sits in the middle of the club, lined with a few dozen chairs. On each side of the bar are raised areas that are filled with a small handful of tables surrounded by rolly chairs (talked about in Dance Setup). All those things are well and good, and though not incredible, those parts of the setup aren’t dreadful either. However, the stage location is just brutal. It sits inside the bar (like Mons Venus in Tampa or the Playground Lounge in Atlantic City), making any close interaction with dancers impossible. Over the years, strip club patrons have developed a perfect system for getting a dancer’s attention for some personal stage action. Step 1: Sit at the stage. Step 2: Fold a dollar bill (or two or three) in half and place it on the edge of the stage. Step 3: Wait for tits and ass to come your way. It’s simple, it’s elegant, it’s ideal. But with an internal stage, it can’t happen. The five foot separation created by the bar makes any sort of interaction weird and awkward. Dancers have a hard time targeting any specific moves. And tipping requires both the tipper and the dancer to lean way over and reach out their arms to exchange any cash (it resembles the scene at a drive-through when you accidentally pull up too far from the window). Not acceptable.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – I was happy with the music and the general vibe, especially for Long Island. I half-expected to hear only house music and Billy Joel for the entire night, but the DJ played it relatively safe and stuck mostly to the classics. If I remember correctly, the lighting definitely could have been lower, but it wasn’t anything particularly uncomfortable. Really, this is the type of place that has a neutral-enough feel that your individual group can make the atmosphere whatever you want it to be (whether you’re just grabbing a few beers or really getting after it). My only complaint is the modified tip-walk that girls do on stage. It’s always a buzzkill to be sitting at the bar trying to enjoy a beer or watch a game, only to have a dancer drop the “Pssst, aren’t you gonna tip me?” I don’t blame the dancers; the internal stage setup basically forces them to do this shit, but it still sucks.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – On the one hand, Club Royale is directly off of Route 109 and just a stone’s throw from the Southern State Parkway. On the other, it’s in fucking Farmingdale, smack in the middle of Long Island, and totally inaccessible by any means other than a car (or a wedding transportation bus that you make pull over on the side of the road and drop you off on your way back to the hotel).

Overall – In many ways, this club is a Long Islander’s dream. You can buy some unnecessary shit at Walmart, catch a movie at the Regal 10, eat some overpriced babyback ribs at Chili’s, fist-pump at some douchey club called The Crazy Donkey (which I was really hoping was a Tijuana-style strip club), then see some titties, all without driving your Camaro more than half a mile. However, for those of you who don’t love strip malls and jagerbombs, Café Royale is mediocre at best.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Scores (New York, NY)

Quality of Dances (6/20) - Scores really shot itself in the foot with its stage setup. There are no poles, rails, or other props. No seats are affixed to the stage (although one could roll over a chair if he were so inclined). This creates the interesting dynamic of having to stand and deliver for special attention. Mostly, the dancers looked like deer in headlights up there without something to hold onto.

For a private dance, I cherry-picked the best stage performer, a little blonde hard body with decent curves who called herself Jesse. In my experience, a good stage presence usually translates well to the lap, but not always. Jesse was one of those exceptions. Her dance ranked up there with one of my all time worst – a complete dud. No energy, no interest, minimal contact. In her defense, fight coverage began just as our dance started, and the DJ inexplicably turned off the music to broadcast the playing of the national anthem. Obviously not one for patriotism, Jesse was thrown off her game big time. If she had shown any effort whatsoever I would have given her a mulligan, but unfortunately there was nothing redeeming about the dance.

Scores receives some points here, though, for what looked like decent dances and a fair amount of grinding from the transactions I spied taking place on the main floor. Indeed, one dancer in particular utilized a pretty heroic thrusting maneuver that Peter had never witnessed before; kudos to her for picking up the slack saving this category from ruin.

Quality of Dancers (7/10) - Scores has its share of beautiful girls, and most are young. I saw only one real stunner, however. Like most other New York City venues, Scores is topless only.

Number of Dancers (5/10) - For a Saturday night special event, the number of dancers circulating in the club seemed merely adequate. With the amount of money getting thrown around by the Wall Street-types, a lot of dancers were surely preoccupied in the private and semi-private sections. One host’s claim that between 40 and 60 dancers were working that night was laughable. When I asked a dancer, she estimated from 20 to 30 dancers were working.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) - With the amount of blonde girls running around, I was afraid Scores had transported me into a Hugh Hefner wet dream. I was shocked at the lack of variety. The usual trip to a New York City club is like the “It’s a Small World” at Disney World, but with more silicone. Not at Scores. There were a handful of black girls, but I did not see one ethnically-identifiable Latina or Asian. I did not meet any Eastern Europeans or Russians; only dancers with names like Jesse and Betty. The Scores cast fails the diversity test with respect to body type, as well. Those with a taste for thicker, curvier dancers would have been disappointed by the selection.

Attitude of Dancers (2/10) - As would be expected, I found the dancers less friendly as the night went on and the club filled up. Like the fighters we were watching on the flat screens, the dancers all had their eyes on the prize, and our conversations got down to brass tacks fairly quickly. On the bright side, their cool, business-like indifference didn’t lead to any flak that I sometimes get when politely declining an advance.

That’s where the positives end. I could barely believe it when Jesse stopped dancing at the end of the sub-2:00 Star Spangled Banner and said “guess that’s our song.” Pausing for a moment to let her reconsider, I was briskly reminded of the $20 I owed and that we couldn’t tarry in the semi-private lap dance section. I understand that things move faster in New York City, but this kind of treatment just cannot be condoned.

Value (0.5/10) - With a $30 cover and $10 domestics, you’re going to be in for $40 within seconds of walking in the door. A $20 lap dance is not unreasonable for New York City, but it would be more palatable if the dancers actually earned their money. Your wallet will take a big hit if you’re interested in anything saucier. A “curtain” room is $350/hour ($175 for 30 minutes), and a “door” room is $500 ($250). Mercifully, drink purchases are not required for the private rooms. A decent party atmosphere and some eye candy is not enough to justify Scores’s high prices. Don’t be fooled by the flash and hype – there’s not a lot of substance here.

Dance Setup (4/10) - Customers were receiving lap dances pretty much everywhere but the main bar. The semi-private sections are elevated and isolated, and would offer a nice opportunity for debauchery if not for the ubiquitous security stationed around every corner. Seats are wide, comfortable, and placed far enough apart to maintain the intimacy of the dance. Like most New York City clubs, the private rooms are strategically sequestered for the best action.

Club Setup (7/10) - The public area of the club is one level divided into five distinct sections: the main floor with the stage and waitress service at small tables; an elevated bar with both bar seats and standing room; a semi-private elevated section for groups requesting bottle service; a separate section reserved for lap dances; and the restaurant. All sections have a great view of the stage.

The bar area is fairly long but not very deep, and by midnight, as the club began filling up, the bar became very crowded. Because Scores was catering to groups for Fight Night, management had restricted the main floor to bottle service. A host assured me that ordinarily guests can sit at tables on the main floor without obligation.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) - At least a dozen flat screen TVs rim the interior, providing a view of the game or fight from any seat. The club is dimly lit, and neon fixtures and the occasional smoke machine and laser show create the party vibe. Edgy showcases – featuring naked barbie dolls in compromising positions with everyday objects like hammers and tongs – appear prominently over the main bar. With the exception of shutting off the music for the national anthem, the DJ was well above-average, and I commend his Depeche Mode selection, “Enjoy the Silence.”

Unfortunately, the bouncers/hosts with CIA-style earplugs had the joint canvassed like we were in the middle of Baghdad. And by the decor, I couldn't blame them for the mistake. A large, Persian rug-styled stripe runs down the main stage’s backdrop, across the stage itself, and onto the floor. On the backdrop, eight screens flank this magic carpet stripe. They alternate between two computer-generated effects: the first, music visualizations (the kind you get when you play an audio CD using your Windows Media Player), and the second, silhouetted scenes of dancers performing acts ranging from the goofy to the sado-masochistic. The combined impression left me waiting for Goldmember to come skating out onto the stage through some Austin Powers-style time warp.

Club Accessibility (4/5) - Situated just south of the Penn Station rail yards and a stone’s throw from the Hudson, Scores is in the middle of a subway deadzone. The walk from Penn Station is 15-20 minutes and not for the feint of heart. Your best bet is to cab it there, as the club is easily accessible from the West Side Highway. You could also drive yourself and avoid the midtown clusterfuck, but you will have to pay for valet service in order to park your car in the secure lot across the street from the club.

Overall - On a marquee night, Scores failed to deliver. Management’s decision to cater to groups ordering bottle service left everyone else cramped in the small bar section. The focus on deep pockets filtered down to the dancers, too, making for a lackluster experience on the whole. Scores is just begging for a re-review on a more typical evening, but for the now, the best things I can say about Fight Night at Scores? Look for the cart food on your way out at 10th avenue – it really hits the spot.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

Scruples (Bridgeport. CT)

Quality of dances (8/20) – You'll get some decent grind action here, but two way contact is not encouraged and, with a bouncer closely monitoring the action, it isn't the type of place where you'll want to push your luck.  Considering the things that go on in some of the other Bridgeport clubs, Scruples needs to step their game up, because "decent" just isn't good enough to compete.    

Quality of dancers (7.5/10) –  There's a lot of variation from night to night, but I've seen plenty of 8s in here, and it's very rare to see anyone below a 5 or a 6.  The top end girls aren't all that much better than in most other Connecticut clubs, but the quality control seems to be significantly above average.      

Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – This place can be packed with both dancers and customers on weekend nights.  Though the ratio of dancers to customers isn't always great, there are usually enough girls to choose from so that you shouldn't have to wait too long to get someone's attention for a dance.  That's particularly true if, as is often the case, one of the other clubs in the area is shut down due to legal troubles.          

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2.5/5) – There's a nice mix of fit white and Latina dancers, but I've been surprised by the relative lack of black dancers and big asses.      

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – These girls are hot, but a lot of them think that they're hotter than they are.  It's not that they're nasty, but they just aren't all that inviting either.   

Value (3.5/10) – The $8 cover on weekend nights seems a little on the high side, the mediocre dances are $20 each and cans of beer are $4 each.  They have bottles of beer as well, but I can never pass up the opportunity to guzzle a few cans of beer in a strip club, so I'm not sure of the price for them.  Like all Connecticut clubs that serve alcohol, this place is topless, but I never feel like my dollar bills are well spent at the Scruples stage.    

Dance Setup (1.5/10) –  The owners of this place seem to have more invested in the club than do a lot of the other Bridgeport club owners, and the dance setup is designed to make sure that nothing happens that will cost them their club.  That's logical from a business perspective, but it's unfortunate for us customers.  All of the dances are given in a small sectioned off area in the back of the club where a bouncer watches everything.   The chairs are attached as if they were all part of a bench, but arm rests thankfully separate customers from each other.  The dance setup is really the main reason that I haven't spent a whole lot of time in this club. 

Club Setup (3/10) – There's a massage chair, a huge bar and a long stage, but the stage isn't placed at a logical angle and there are barely any tables. Worst of all, the club is way too bright, so you (or at least I) feel kind of creepy sitting at the stage staring at a girl.  Unfortunately, thanks to the odd angle of the stage, you don't really have any other option if you want a decent view of the action. 

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – The atmosphere at Scruples isn't bad at all by Bridgeport standards.  When I've been here, the crowd has been mostly small groups of guys who are stopping by on their way home from work.  The lack of tables prevents it from being great for larger groups and I probably wouldn't go here for a night out, but it has a nice relaxed vibe that makes it a decent option if you're looking for a place to enjoy a beer or two.     
Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – The neighborhood isn't the greatest, but it's not terrible for Bridgeport and the parking lot is monitored.  There's no fee for parking, though tips to the parking lot attendant are always appreciated.

Overall – This is one of the cleaner Bridgeport clubs and really isn't bad overall, but the dance setup and the dance quality will need to improve for me to ever make this one of my regular stops.  Unfortunately, I don't imagine that will be happening anytime soon.     


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Juicee's (Norwich, CT)

Quality of Dances (10/20) - Most of the dances that I had at Juicee's were decent but unspectacular.  Some of the girls allowed full 2-way contact (I was told to touch "anywhere but the cookie"), but some were a little more reserved.  Sadly, even the best girls failed to pay any special attention to body parts that like special attention. 

Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) - They probably don't have a whole lot to choose from in the middle of nowhere and it shows, because quality control is non-existent.  I saw a few girls who weren't bad, but there were a few who were among the worst I've ever seen in a club.  I'm not a huge fan of old ladies, c-section scars or white trash, but when you combine all of those qualities into one messy woman, the result is even worse than the sum of its parts.  

Variety (2/5) - I've only been here once, but most of the girls working that night were white.  There was one darker skinned girl working, and there was a pretty wide array of body types, including one girl who was quite possibly a midget.  

Number (3/10) - Though there weren't many dancers working the night that I was there, there weren't many customers either.  The ratio hovered around 1-to-1 for most of the evening.  Usually that's a good thing, but it did make it a little bit difficult to avoid the less desirable girls.  

Attitude (3.5/10) - The "little person" was one of the friendliest dancers I've ever met, but the others weren't nearly as welcoming.  If you don't like being a stripper, either find another way to make money or learn to at least pretend like you enjoy it while you're working.  I'm not sure if saying "I hate doing this" is supposed to make customers feel bad and give more tips, but it definitely didn't work with this customer.

Value (6/10) -It's unheard of for a place with a $12 cover, $4 sodas and $20 dances to get an above average value score, but Juicee's pulled it off.  Instead of giving dances by the song, they give them in timed 7 minute blocks.  Assuming that the average strip club song is about 3 minutes long, that works out to a little under $10 per song, which is about as good as you'll find.  And it really does make a lot of sense.  Why should you have to pay the same amount for 1 song whether it's Extra Pale by the Goo Goo Dolls, coming in just shy of 2 minutes (which the day shift girls at the Electric Blue still try to get away with) or American Pie by Don McLean?  

Dance Setup (2.5/10) - The lap dance area has a few chairs in a raised area along the side of the club with no privacy between them, but no one in the rest of the club can see much of what goes on below your shoulders.  It's a fairly poor setup, but sadly, it's still better than you'll find in a lot of Connecticut clubs. 

Club Setup (2/10) - This place is a dump.  They have a decent sized bar, but since they don't serve alcohol, who gives a shit?  The stage is fairly large, but its mostly unutilized with dancers going on one at a time.  They have some arcade games that look like they haven't been used in decades along with a pop-a-shot machine and some pool tables.  There's also one TV in the corner of the club, but everything about it is worse than you're imagining.  

Atmosphere (1/10) - The patrons were all really friendly, but an alcohol-free, non-BYOB place will never get a good atmosphere score. Hopefully they just couldn't get a liquor license, because I don't know why any club would think that the lack of undies is worth the lack of alcohol.

Location (2/5) - Juicee's is at the end of a dead end alley.  As you pull up, you'll be hoping that you don't run into any trouble because it seems like the type of place when you could be murdered and dumped in the weeds to never be found.  On the bright side, it is reasonably near the casinos, so it gets a few points.  

Overall - There's not a single thing that Juicee's does particularly well.  The dances are okay and the some of the dancers are friendly, but everything else is well below average.  If you're at the Connecticut casinos and are looking to go to a club, you're much better off spending the extra time to drive to Providence. 


Sunday, October 3, 2010

The Other Side (Fitchburg, MA) CLOSED

Quality of dances (6/20) – With a no-touching policy in effect, The Other Side is limited in its potential for dance quality, but the grind isn't bad, so at least they're trying to make the best out of a bad situation. I almost want to give them an extra point because my dance came from our waitress (who was trying to make the transition into a dancer), but really, novelty is no substitute for quality, and the dance speaks for itself.

Quality of dancers (4.5/10) – When this club was originally reviewed in early 2009, it laid an egg and posted a zero in this category. However, on my more recent trip, there were a handful of attractive dancers who may not have been 10's, but certainly deserve a little love.

Number of dancers (2.5/10) – Three dancers on a Thursday evening is unacceptable, even for this moderately-sized, off-the-beaten-path club.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – On my first visit, I saw a couple of black dancers, but on my more recent trip, it was skinny white girls only. I expect more diversity than that, even in Fitchburg.

Attitude of Dancers (4.5/10) – At least two dancers were pretty fun, hanging out and shooting the shit while they waited for their turn on stage. Interestingly, while they were both aggressively hustling drinks, neither was hustling dances, which was nice.

Value (4/10) – $5 cover at all times, which is exactly $5 too much. We're in Fitchburg, people; don't flatter yourselves or your club. Beers were $3.50, stage action was mediocre. If you're looking to get drunk, the value is solid. But they could do better.

Dance Setup (0/10) – There is no actual dance room at The Other Side. It's more of a raised area that's further away from the stage. There are no partitions separating it from the rest of the floor and there's nothing to prevent the local mustached creeper on the other side of the club from watching you get grinded on.

Club Setup (4/10) – The setup isn't good, but it's not terrible. Sort of standard. Ample seating at the stage, some low-top and high-top tables surrounding it, a bar on the far side. Nothing really to complain about here, but nothing to rave about either.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place has got a dive bar vibe, similar to Lamplighter II in Worcester but a little classier. Nothing remarkable to mention.

Club Accessibility (.5/5) – Almost 40 minutes outside of Worcester, The Other Side is in the middle of nowhere. It only avoids a zero because of its proximity to Route 2 and 190.

Overall – The Other Side is a not a destination strip club. In fact, it's hardly a stop-in-on-your-way-through-town strip club. I will probably never go back and would only recommend it to those who live in Fitchburg and don't own a car.


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Mardi Gras II (East Windsor, CT)

Quality of Dances (11/20) – I've gotten some decent grind action and have been allowed to touch the legs and hips, but the dance setup doesn't really allow things to get too intimate. It's probably worth getting a dance if you're already in the club, but I wouldn't go out of my way for it.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – Almost every girl in this place is pretty, but not stunningly so. I haven't seen many dancers here that I'd rate below a 6 or above an 8. That still puts them in the upper echelon of Connecticut clubs, but it would be nice to see a knockout once in a while.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – Mardi Gras II has a lot of girls working on the Friday and Saturday nights, but the place can get packed, so it can still be hard to get a girl for a dance. On the bright side, at least you do get to watch several girls on stage at a time while you wait. The crowds aren't bad during the day, but obviously there aren't as many girls working then either.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – I've seen some black girls and a few Latinas, but the majority of the girls here are white. There's a decent mix of body types, but all of the girls that I've seen have been at least relatively fit.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – When this place is packed, no girls will be spending more than a minute or two with any individual guy, but they do seem to be friendly for the most part once your get their attention. The small gap between customers and the stage also makes interaction a little more difficult than it should be, and one loyal reader has reported that the dancers aren't overly inviting to couples.

Value (8/10) – You'll have a hard time finding a better deal than a $3 weekend evening cover and $3 drafts. The dances are a reasonable value at $20 each and you get a great show for a few bucks at the stage, but the beer prices are what really make this place ideal for a cheap outing.

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dances are given in a sectioned off area in the corner of the club on several small individual couches.  They aren't particularly comfortable and allow the guy across from you to watch your dance, but they do at least provide some separation and are a huge improvement over the way the dance area was setup a few years ago.

Club Setup (4/10) – The bar is enormous and takes up almost the entire club, and the stage is inside the bar area. There's a narrow area between the bar and the stage where the bartenders can walk to deliver drinks, so you're a little further from the dancers than you'd be in most clubs, but a lot of them go over the channel and dance on the actual bar. They only have a few tables that aren't at the bar, but unfortunately, the lack of non-bar/non-stage space in the club makes it unlikely that this problem will ever be corrected.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The lack of tables is the only thing that really holds this club back from being a great place for large groups to hang out, but it's still a lot of fun for small groups or solo outings.

Club Accessibility (1/5) –This club is between Springfield and Hartford, but isn't particularly close to either. It's a shame that a place with such amazing drink prices isn't close enough to any metropolitan areas/hotels to allow you to take full advantage without worrying about having a designated driver.

Overall – This is one of the better clubs in northern Connecticut, but unless the dance setup improves, I just can't justify going here when the Electric Blue is only 20 minutes away. Mardi Gras II would be a very solid choice though if you're looking for a change of pace or aren't particularly interested in lap dances.


Updated: February, 2012

Monday, September 6, 2010

Club Downtown (Montreal, QC)

Quality of Dances (14/20) - One of the best things about Montreal is that you can grab a handful of titty in just about every club, and Downtown is no exception. The only real variation (other than at "upscale" places like Wanda's) is the quality of the grind, and that's well above average in this club. I haven't seen any signs of extras, but if you're looking to push your luck in one of the clubs in this area of Ste. Catherine, this would probably be your best shot.

Quality of Dancers (7/10) - The girls here are hot even by Montreal standards, but they have way more than their fair share of fake breasts.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – Club Downtown is full of dancers, but there are so many customers on busy weekends that it can still be hard to find someone for a dance. It's right down the street from the Centre Bell, so there's a particularly poor dancer-to-customer ratio when there's a Habs game or a concert.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) - They have a decent mix of black and white dancers, but thin white blondes are over represented and there aren't a whole lot of curvier ladies.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – A lot of the girls in this place are stuck up. I admit that they're attractive, but they aren't quite as hot as they think they are. I've been more impressed with the attitudes during the day shift, probably because there aren't 100 other customers waiting to hand a dancer cash if she pisses you off.

Value (6/10) – The $5 cover is about average, the drinks are expensive (as they are everywhere in Montreal), and the dances are an excellent value at $15 each. This place isn't a bad value, but it's tough to look good on the value scale when Cafe Cleopatra and its $10 dances are just a 10 minute walk away.

Dance Setup (8.5/10) – Dances are given in small booths on 3rd floor of building. They have curtains on the entrance to each booth, and although they're somewhat sheer, they're thick enough that no one can see in unless they stand there and stare - which they thankfully don't. They even get a bonus point for the airline safety style drawings reminding your drunk ass of their dance rules. Hands on the ass - ok. Pulling down their bottoms - not so much.

Club Setup (3/10) – The setup is the same as everywhere else on this block - narrow club on 2nd floor, small stage, small crowded bar and a bunch of small tables. The only thing that sets this place apart is the urinal, which is a waterfall that you piss into. It's not much, but I'm easily amused when I'm drunk.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – This place has a great party vibe and is somewhere that you could spend several hours. As with all of the clubs in this area, there are always going to be some obnoxious tourists, but it's just too much fun for me to really care.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – Club Downtown is so accessible that you can sneak in a visit even if you're on a romantic getaway to Montreal with your girlfriend. Just say you're going to grab some poutine and run. Or so I've heard.

Overall – If the girls' attitudes would improve, this place would probably slightly beat out Super Contact for the title of best club on Rue Saint Catherine. As is, it's good enough to keep me coming back, but not so good as to ever get me to spend an entire evening here. It's definitely worth a visit though, especially if you're staying nearby or going to any of the other clubs in this part of town.


Sunday, August 29, 2010

Mystique Gentlemen's Club (Bridgeport, CT)

Quality of Dances (8/20) – Given the location (both the city and the part of the club), I expected these dances to be amazing. They weren't bad, but they didn't live up to my lofty expectations and were about as tame as I've had in Bridgeport. You'll probably get a decent grind from the dancer's ass or knee, but two-way contact does not seem to be encouraged.

Quality of Dancers (7.5/10) – The sample size is fairly small since I don't get to this area all that often, but the girls here are the best that I've seen in Bridgeport. Almost all of them are attractive and reasonably young, and I have yet to see a girl who I'd go out of my way to avoid.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – They have a decent number of dancers and the ratio has always been pretty solid in my experience. If you're looking for a girl for a dance or for some conversation, you should be in luck.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – I've seen a good variety of body types and a mix of black and white dancers, with a lot of eastern Europeans. My only complaint is that I'd like to see some more Latinas in the mix, but if you're into the thicker girls that you'll find at a lot of the Bridgeport clubs, you may be a little disappointed.

Attitude of dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls are fairly friendly, though some are even more chatty that I'd like, with one girl in particular trying to convince me to help her sell the worst movie plot of all time to a studio. For the record, I have nothing to do with the movie industry, and based on her plot idea, this girl won't either. Or at least she'll never be in the kind of movies that have plots. A few of the girls just sit together in a corner of the club and don't really mix with customers, but overall, the attitudes aren't good enough to draw in customers or bad enough to keep them away.

Value (3.5/10) – The prices at Mystique are fairly standard for Connecticut. On a Friday evening, I paid a $5 cover, $4 for a beer and $20 for a solid but unspectacular dance. Because of the setup at the stage, you may feel a need to tip the dancers while you're sitting at the bar, which is unfortunate if you usually avoid spending money at the stage so that you have more for dances.

Dance Setup (2/10) – Dances are given in a separate room with its own unused stage. You sit on an uncomfortable individual bench style couch that forces you to recline somewhat, but there are no barriers in the room. As long as you're the only one getting a dance, it isn't too bad, but it's less than ideal if anyone else is back there.

Club Setup (2.5/10) – The club has a few small 2 person tables, but almost everyone sits around the horseshoe shaped bar that has an interior stage several feet away. You're too far from the stage to interact with the girls while they're dancing, and to give a tip, you have to throw wadded up $1s at the dancer. It's a good thing this club isn't in Canada, because you'd take someone's eye out if you tried that shit with a loonie.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – There's a pretty good vibe in here, especially considering that it's in Bridgeport. The stage setup makes no sense, but it does contribute to a fun atmosphere if the drinks are flowing.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) – I wouldn't exactly say that this is a good neighborhood, but by Bridgeport standards, it isn't bad at all. Despite there not being a whole lot of available parking, I've never had a problem finding a spot.

Overall – There are better options in the area for aggressive dances, but Mystique isn't a bad choice if you're in Bridgeport and are hoping to see some attractive topless women, and it's a particularly good choice if getting out alive and disease-free is a priority for you.


Sunday, August 22, 2010

Foxy Lady Providence (Providence, RI)

Quality of Dances (10/20) - Pussy Control handled the dance duties for the night and she received very aggressive two-way contact from her dancer of choice. In absolute terms, Pussy described a quality of dance near 14, but I had to adjust for the Pussy factor. After many years of watching Pussy spit game, I know when she has someone under her spell, and this young woman was smitten. So for now, the score stands here, with adjustments to be made upon further visits.

Quality of Dancers (3/10) - As a lover of Providence clubs and women, I had great expectations for the Foxy Lady Providence, but they were dashed on this warm Sunday evening. At almost every high-quality club, I find a dancer I'd go broke for, but I ended this night with full pockets. Pussy was likewise underwhelmed; she lamented the lack of pretty faces to supplement otherwise solid bodies. Given my love for the dancers at Foxy Lady Brockton (sister club to FLP), I wouldn't be surprised if this was an off night. Nonetheless, the judgment stands.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) - Not enough booty in the pants. Although this place scores points for strong racial and ethnic diversity, the lack of lap dance asses was tragic. The vast majority of dancers were simply too skinny. Not gram-a-day-coke-habit skinny, more like needs-a-couple-of-BLT's-and-some-beers skinny. As loyal readers know, I don't frown on fitness, but a selection that consists of only wiry frames and narrow hips is not what I'm looking for.

Number of Dancers (7/10) - With at least a dozen dancers working on a Sunday night, the Foxy Lady does well here. The customer-to-dancer ratio was probably 2.5 to 1. Though that's not exactly the 1.5 to 1 gold standard set by Sapphire Las Vegas, it's still enough to please me.

Attitude (3.5/10) - It stings to burn the Foxy Lady Providence here because one of my readers is a seemingly chill and cool dancer that works there, but they just didn't impress. Knowing that women are often stripper Kryptonite at clubs (because they're less likely to go off for a big number in the back room like a dude), I tempered my expectations when I rolled in with Pussy and her ladyfriend. What I got, though, was not less attention than expected, but virtually no attention at all. Not a single dancer even approached my group all night. That's just not acceptable for a high-end place like the Foxy Lady. The one saving grace was the stage, where a few goofy, hilarious dancers found their way to Pussy and me and brightened our night.

Value (4/10) - $6 Miller Lites are slightly above the industry standard for an upscale Providence joint, as is the $7 daytime cover ($10 at night). Stage value is solid, not for motorboat contact like Club Fantasies, but for strong and creative pole skills. The dances would be good value at $15, but fall short for the $30 asking price.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) - Dances take place in a back room, which you're guided to through a short darkish hallway. They're way out of view from the main floor and have partitioned walls, so there is excellent privacy. Had Pussy decided to push the envelope, she surely would have had ample room to maneuver with this setup.

Club Setup (6.5/10) - The Foxy Lady just misses posting a very big club setup score. The main stage sits center-floor and acts as the club's focal point. It's large, has plenty of seating, and uses mirrors and light to cleverly highlight the dancers. I also love that a sort of scaffolding hangs from the ceiling around the stage's perimeter which the dancers can use to enhance their routines. Next to the stage sits a smaller pedestal with a glassed-in shower that surely rocks everyone's face off when in use. My only real complaint is the cramped comfy, rolly chairs on the floor. The tables and chairs are so close together that one has to move aside virtually every time a cocktail waitress comes through. There's a clear outside route, but anywhere within the sea of chairs is a disastrous path.

Atmosphere (5.5/10) - Pretty standard vibe in this place. The feel is a little high-class for my tastes, with the white floor-length linens on the tables and no real degenerates milling about (besides me), but it's fine if you're into that sort of experience.

Accessibility (3.5/5) - Like most Providence strip clubs, Foxy Lady Providence is just a short cab ride from downtown, making it relatively accessible.

Overall - Is the Foxy Lady my favorite club in Providence? No. Might it be yours? Definitely. If you're looking for a higher-end experience or are trying to pop your strip club cherry, there is no better option in the area. But if you're the type of man that likes his steak rare, his women loose, and his beer cheap, then Club Fantasies or The Cadillac Lounge are the places for you.


Sunday, August 15, 2010

Taboo Gentlemen's Club (Martinsburg, WV)

Quality of dances (7/20) – You can’t technically touch the dancers (they all seem fine with hands on hips or legs, just not elsewhere), but they can and will touch you. I was pleased with the grinding and boobies-in-my-face action, even if it was very much by the numbers. The girls are fully nude and eager to please, but not so eager as to offer any extras or allow full contact.

Quality of dancers (7/10) – All pretty, only one with fakies, and all with tight bodies. The lineup I saw on a slow Saturday afternoon was way above average.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – Hard to gauge given the time of the visit. There were more girls than guys in the club before a few more patrons filtered in, so my visit looked quite favorable. It sounds like this is a rare happening though; the bartender indicated that the previous night there were only five girls on, and that with the place packed.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Variety of body type gets high marks,with many shapes and sizes available. I appreciate a variety of different titty types, from big to small, firm to soft, and natural to natural-looking fakies. With only one girl sporting the implants, this looks like a win. Unfortunately, diversity consists of only one black girl.

Attitude of dancers (5/10) – Especially for their great bodies and beautiful faces, these are some of the least aggressive strippers I have encountered. They’re happy and easy to talk to, but not one of them asked if I wanted a private dance or even a drink. In my book, that's often a good thing; I prefers the subtle sell to the always-be-closing game found in most establishments. But here, the passiveness crossed the line into seeming apathy. Most were sitting around the bar and drinking or taking it easy. Perhaps they were tired from an exceptional shorthanded performance the previous evening (see Number of Dances comment), but it’s hard to believe they wanted to be on shift only to take their turns on stage once in a while.

Value (3.5/10) – Between 12pm and 2pm there is no cover, otherwise it’s $5. Drinks are $6 and served in the tiniest plastic cups obtainable. Private dances are $30 for five minutes, which is strictly enforced. I was heartened by obtaining a two for one coupon upon the paying the cover charge, but the dance seemed a bit short
of the full ten minutes. I’ll give Taboo the benefit of the doubt on that one, but it still leaves regular dances (no contact from you) at $30. There are no negotiations, as your dancer will head up to the man in charge, cut him his one third of the dance fee, and then head off with you for the allotted time. The champagne room gets you no extra contact. Yuck.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – Private dance rooms have entire couches to lie back on and are very comfortable. The rooms are right next to the bar but they all have curtains for privacy.

Club Setup (8/10) – Taboo’s layout is near ideal. The main stage has plenty of chairs at the rail, with more comfortable seating in chairs and couches behind and a section further back raised up a few steps. All the stage action is viewable from any bar seat, so you should always be able to find the girl you’re looking for.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) – This is a very laid back club. Just right if you’re not into negotiation, not interested in extras, and all right with talking to some very down to earth dancers. Too laid back if you’re wanting to get your grind on and starting to wonder if you need to yell “Where my girls at?” to get someone’s attention.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Right off route 9 in Martinsburg, WV is easy to find, but it’s a hike if you’re coming from Frederick or Hagerstown. Probably a godsend if you’re stuck in Virginia, where bottoms have to stay on and nipples have to stay covered.

Overall – I can deal with the one-way contact, but the lack of negotiation and the high prices bring down what could be a great club. The marquee outside the club makes it a point to advertise that Taboo is now serving food and there are wet t-shirt contests every Friday night. So what? I arrived at 2:10pm and still had to fork over a cover charge. Come on. The dances are paid for and done by the book, and that’s a huge downer. Just a few changes in policy would do wonders for this club, possibly enough to earn a Peter Tips seal of approval.


Sunday, August 8, 2010

Club Madonna (South Beach, FL)

Dances (9/20) - These dances could be fairly solid if it weren't for the constant attempts to upsell. I like to sit back and relax during a dance and you can't really do that here. These girls start with the hustle before the songs even start. "It's $25 (on top of the $25 dance fee) for you to touch me, $40 for me to touch you," etc., etc. up to "$300 for me to make you come." I gave the one girl a $10 tip to try end the sales pitch, but she still kept it going throughout the song. She did use her hands over the pants as a sample of what I could get for more cash, so there's contact to be had if you're willing to put up with the bullshit.

Dancers (6.5/10) - Most of these ladies look like the types who'd have been getting free drinks in the bars along Ocean Drive a few years ago, but once they got too old to compete with the 21 year-olds, they brought their talents to this South Beach establishment. The average age seems to be somewhere in the late 20's. Still, if you're willing to overlook the fake tits, most of these girls are reasonably attractive. I always prefer natural breasts of any size over implants, but I must admit that the doctors down here do much more convincing work that you'll find elsewhere in the U.S.

Variety (2.5/5) - There's a decent mix of white and Latina dancers, but you better like thin girls with fake tits and processed hair because that's 90% of what you'll find in here.

Number (8/10) - There are a ton of girls in this place, and even if the club is packed with customers, there are even more dancers. Whether it's a good thing or not, you'll never go more than a minute or two without being approached by one or more dancers.

Attitude (0/10) - I've never seen as much hustle as I found in this club. If these girls have any redeeming qualities, I didn't stay long enough to find them.

Atmosphere (1/10) - They get a point based on the numerous attractive female patrons, but the hustle is such a buzzkill that they don't deserve any more than that. Whether you're ordering a drink, trying to watch the stage action, getting a dance, or doing just about anything else, you'll be fighting off people who are trying to rip you off. If you let your guard down, you'll be taken. If you constantly have your guard up, that makes for a shitty strip club experience. And if that's not enough, the sheer level of douchebaggery in this place is enough to make Ed Hardy blush.

Club Setup (5.5/10) - This is a large room with high ceilings and a lot of couches/benches and small tables throughout. The bar is tiny and the main stage is smaller than you'd expect, though there were several smaller stages throughout the room that were unused while I was there. Some bigger tables and booths would make this place better for larger groups, but the setup is still decent overall.

Dance Setup (3/10) - Dances are given in individual chairs on the second floor of the club. There aren't any barriers between you and the other chairs, so the dancers and other customers who are getting dances have a clear view of you, but at least the people downstairs can't see what you're up to.

Value (0/10) - The advertised drink prices and the $25 dances aren't unreasonable for South Beach, but the prices that they actually charge for drinks, the $20 cover and the upgrade prices for lap dances are ridiculous.

Accessibility (5/5) - Club Madonna is within walking distance of anywhere in South Beach and is particularly close to the Loews Hotel. That's almost a bad thing because it means that you'll be tempted to stop by, but to be fair, I have to give them full credit.

Overall - This club sucks, which is a real shame since it has so much potential. A new manager could make this place solid within about 10 minutes and great within a few weeks, but they just don't have any motivation to put in the effort. They rely on a new batch of tourists each week, and they know that a lot of those tourists will be drunk enough to allow themselves to get ripped off. Even with the more savvy customers, the worst case scenario from the club's perspective is that you'll drop $20 on the cover, ~$10 on a drink and $25 on a dance before realizing what a hole this is and leaving. It's rare that a strip club qualifies as a tourist trap, but Club Madonna certainly does.


Sunday, August 1, 2010

Rumours (Stratford, CT)

Quality of dances (12.5/20) – There's two way contact and if you're willing to overlook the setting and the questionable cleanliness of the dancers, the dances are just about as good as extra-free dances can be. Still, it's tough to enjoy the dances too much when you've got a piece of wood from the chair sticking into your back and you're trying to figure out what the hell that residue is on your pants.

Quality of dancers (2.5/10) - A lot of the dancers here look like girls that you'd see working the street, and according to one dancer, some of them do. Most of the ladies aren't terribly old, but their best days are far behind them.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – There are a decent number of dancers, but a lot of them don't mingle at all, so it can be somewhat hard to find a girl for a dance. That's not a huge problem though since I don't know why you'd want a dance from any of these girls anyway unless you're tying to write a review for a strip club review website.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – I saw black and white dancers of varying body types, but I'm generally looking for a mix of attractive girls with this category, and I certainly didn't find that here.

Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – Most of the dancers spend a lot of time with the regulars, but a significant percentage of them seemed to be messed up on drugs and generally didn't seem like they'd be great to talk to.

Value (4/10) – There's no cover, but $4 drinks with a 2 drink minimum and $20 dances aren't a great value. At least not great enough to make up for the club's other deficiencies.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – There are two old shoe-shaped chairs in a corner near the pool tables, but the chairs are falling apart. A few plants are situated to partially obscure the view from the rest of the club, but you shouldn't do anything back there that you don't want everyone else to see, because they probably will.

Club Setup (3/10) – There's a large bar and a large stage, but the stage looks fairly shitty and has to be a constant source of splinters for the dancers. The section of pool tables in the back of the club seems to be the main draw to this place. That's fine of you're looking for a pool hall, but not so great if you're looking for a strip club.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The smoke in this club is ridiculous and the crowed seemed a little bit rough, but I didn't really feel like I was in danger here. The rumor is that there's a pretty heavy Hell's Angels presence in this place and whether or not that's true, it isn't hard to believe.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – This club is a short drive from Bridgeport, and though it's not far from Bishop's Corner, it seems to be much much safer.

Overall – If I hadn't been there to write a review, I'd have opened the door, taken one look around, then walked out, but since I took this one for the team, you don't even have to waste your time doing that much. I love strip clubs, but there are few things in the world that are more depressing than a bad one, and Rumours qualifies.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

Pussy Corps (Montreal, QC)

This is not a strip club, so I'm going to skip the usual format for this one. In case you're wondering why I'm reviewing a place that isn't a strip club, there are 3 reasons:

1. When you're hammered out of your mind and are trying to stumble to Circus at 4am, you'll think it's a strip club, and you'll be tempted to go inside.

2. People are not subtle in their internet searches, and having "pussy" written as many times as possible can't hurt my hit count.
Pussy pussy pussy.

3. I don't need to justify my decision to review a place called "Pussy Corps." It could be a feline grooming service, and I'd still find an excuse to write a review.

With that out of the way, this place is horrible. I walked up the steps into a dimly lit room that looked like it should be a horrible strip club, but the guy at the top of the steps explained to me that I had to pay $60 to chose a girl, then I could go into the private room with her to negotiate further activities. Even in my near blackout state, dropping 6 Cafe Cleopatra lap dances just to chose a girl for who-knows-what seemed like a bad idea, so I convinced him to let me talk to the girls before spending any cash.

Once I saw the girls though, I didn't really care what the options were, because there's nothing that they could have done that would have made up for the way they looked. There were only two to chose from, one of whom was suspiciously thin to the point that it was disturbing, and the other of whom was a pretty face away from being a Plumpers model.

Then things went downhill. The last option disturbed me to the point that I tried to block the whole menu out of my mind, but I'm pretty sure that this is how it went (all prices are in addition to the $60 room fee):
$30 - "I'll dance for you." By way of comparison, for that amount of cash, you could get a bj from one of the streetwalkers that you pass on your way here (not recommended) and have money left over to buy 2 or 3 Cafe Cleopatra dances (highly recommended).
$40 - "I'll dance for you and you can touch me." I guess that means the $90 dance is no contact.
$50 - "I'll dance for you and I'll stick something in my pussy."
$60 - "I'll dance for you and I'll stick something in my pussy and I'll stick something in my ass. You can touch yourself if you want."

The only thing that I wanted at that point was to get the hell out of there, so that's exactly what I did. No money was spent, but time was wasted, and Montreal is a city where I try to make the best use of every second that I've got. The bottom line is that, unless your thing is jerking off while watching a disgusting woman shove stuff up her ass, steer clear of Pussy Corps.