Friday, July 31, 2009

Sportsman's Inn (Providence, RI) - CLOSED

Note: This club closed in 2012, but I'll leave the review up as a history lesson for anyone who never got to experience Providence in all of its pre-2009 glory.

Quality of dances (15/20) – Everything is available, but most of the girls won't try to grind you to completion during the regular dances because that would hurt their extras business. Still, the lap dances are much better than at Cheaters, and there's plenty of contact in both directions.

Quality of dancers (2/10) – They have a few decent dancers, but these certainly are not Providence's finest. I wouln't even consider getting a dance from three-quarters of the girls in here.

Number of Dancers (4.5/10) – I've only been here during the day shift, but there have been significantly more dancers than customers each time I've visited. I can't give them too high of a score though, because most of those girls weren't even worth looking at.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – There was a good mix of black, white, and Latina dancers, which should let you know just how unattractive these girls were. For me to not find a Latina attractive, she has to be heinous.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – Maybe my expectations were lowered because of the atmosphere, but I actually found most of the dancers to be surprisingly pleasant. You're going to get some hustle-factor at any club that doubles as a whorehouse, but it's much less prevalent here than at Cheaters.

Value (5.5/10) – Dances are slightly overpriced with $5 going to club and $20 to the dancer, but you don't have to get a private room for extras, so you can save money there. Also, you can get dollar dances at the bar, and even though they aren't great, you can't complain for a dollar. Drinks are a fairly standard $4.

Dance Setup (9.5/10) – The dance setup is probably the best thing about the Sportsmans Inn. There are decent sized booths with a comfortable couch and an open door, but the door only faces at most one other booth. A guy takes your dance ticket when you walk downstairs, and he directs traffic to make sure that people aren't in opposing booths unless there aren't enough booths available to avoid it. So basically, you get a private dance booth for $5.

Club Setup (0.5/10) – This club is designed horribly. It's in a basement, and even though there's a pool table and a stage, everyone just congregates at the tiny bar, where there are only 5 or 6 pathetic little stools.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This is a good place to get your dick sucked, but other than that, I can't really see coming here. People have been murdered here in the past, and I'd be willing to bet they will be in the future.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – This club is in downtown Providence, right around the corner from the Satin Doll.

Overall – The Sportsman's Inn has a little bit of everything, but it isn't great at anything, which puts it in a tough spot in Providence. If you care about the "strip club aspects" of the club, you're better off at the Cadillac Lounge or Fantasies. If, on the other hand, you care about the "whorehouse aspects," then Cheaters is a better option, with far more fuckable girls. If you're looking for a mix of the two, I'd probably recommend splitting your night between two of the aforementioned clubs, but the Sportsman's Inn wouldn't be a bad option either.


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Kitten's (Salisbury, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – In my lengthy strip club career, I've walked out in the middle of exactly two dances. The first was during an epic night at another club when I had too much to drink and thought I was about to empty 15 beers and 3 Subway cookies on the back of a very attractive stripper. The second time was at Kitten's, but here, the only thing that made me want to vomit was the girl wiggling around on the floor in front of me. Even for air dances, these are bad.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – The girls vary from 2s to 8s, with most falling toward the bottom of that range. Still, there was one beautiful dancer and a few other acceptable girls working.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – This is a small club, so I don't expect them to have a ton of girls, but the girls that are working should at least be on the floor when they aren't dancing. On a Friday night, I saw more girls when the door to the dressing room swung open than I saw interacting with customers.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - There's a wide range of black and white girls, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. This club is no exception to the rule that the quality of dances is directly proportional to the number of Latina dancers that are working. Zero and zero.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – Most of the girls weren't too bad, but there's nothing worse than hearing a dancer who isn't earning tips say something along the lines of, "you guys here for a free show?" Also, the one shot-girl was really pushy and wouldn't take no for an answer, finally insisting that I buy her a shot if I wasn't going to buy one for myself.

Value (5.5/10) – The only good deal here is the beer. Normal beer starts at $4, but you can get 16 ounces of something that they call "Kittens Brew" for only $3. The stage value is poor, but you actually get more of a show there than you do during a $20 dance, because some of the girls here are legitimately skilled on the pole. The cover is $5 at all times.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – This was the brightest dance room that I've ever seen. All but the most shameless of strip club goers would be embarrassed to stare at a girl in this atmosphere, especially if anyone else is getting a dance at the same time. Plus, I doubt that a spotlight would be flattering even to the girls from a club like the Spearmint Rhino, but it's devastating to these girls. People in the rest of the club can't see you and there's no bouncer watching, but there are no partitions and there's at least one camera keeping tabs on the (lack of) action.

Club Setup (3/10) – There's a decent stage and a separate shower stage, but the bar is fairly small and there aren't many tables. There's a separate game room with pool tables in the back, but it was empty when I was there.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – This is more of a dive bar than a gentleman's club, and it wouldn't be a bad place to hang out it it weren't for the dancers and the shot girl constantly harassing you for money.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – This place is in the middle of nowhere, and I really can't see any situation that would justify driving here.

Overall – When $3 mystery beer is the highlight of a club, that's a problem. I really tried to like this place, just because I didn't want to rate a place called "Kitten's" worse than I rated "The Golden Banana," but they left me with no choice. This place sucks.


Tuesday, July 14, 2009

DB's Golden Banana (Peabody, MA)

Quality of dances (1.5/20) – The dances here are slightly less terrible than down the street at the Cabaret Lounge, but they're still among the worst in the state. If you're lucky, the girl might bump into your leg, but that's about as good as it gets here.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – Most of the girls here have good bodies but worn faces, but it's dark enough that it's hard to complain unless you're within a few feet of the them. If you do come here, I recommend that you just watch the stage from the bar or a distant table.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – There weren't many girls here when I visited on a Friday evening, but the club was dead so the ratio wasn't too bad. I actually wish there had been fewer girls so that I wouldn't have had to see any of them up close.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – The majority of the girls here are white, though the evening shift is usually slightly more colorful.

Attitude of dancers (3.5/10) – The girls were nice enough to talk to, but when one guy started throwing around money, they ignored everyone else. I saw one dancer spend her entire four song set with the guy even though she was the only one on stage and other guys had money on the rail.

Value (2/10) – Nothing is ridiculously priced, but everything is a few dollars more than it should be. There's always a cover change that ranges from $5-15, depending on the time and day. The cheapest beers will run you $6.50 and anything that you spend at the stage will be a waste. The value is helped somewhat by the availability of $10 dances at your table, but the real dances are $20, and both options are overpriced.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – The dance room has the typical Massachusetts non-partitioned bench seating setup, but at least most of the room is out of the view of the rest of the club. Still, a bouncer sits right outside of the room watching most of the time, and the setup would be terrible if 2 or more people were getting dances at the same time.

Club Setup (6/10) – This is a large club with a long bar, a decent stage, and plenty of tables. They have so much space that they should have been able to do something more interesting than just having dozens of small tables throughout the club, but it's so rare to find ample seating in Massachusetts that I can't complain about that too much.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – This place is full of stuffy old white guys. If there's one guy in a club with his Bluetooth earpiece blinking, I blame the guy; if there's more than one, as there was here, I blame the club. They do have several TVs, but they're all fairly small, and this would be a terrible place to watch a game anyway.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – You'll have to drive to get here, but there are a few cheap motels in the area where you can crash if you feel like going wild.

Overall – If you care about the quality of girls more than the atmosphere, this is a better option that the Cabaret Lounge down the street, but if you have any self-control at all, you're better off avoiding both of them.


Saturday, July 11, 2009

Cabaret Lounge (Peabody, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – The dances here are as bad as you'll ever get anywhere. I'd have given them a half a point because the dances are nude and the girl did bump into my knee at one point, but it was so bright that it was awkward to even look at the girl.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – The dancers here are the definition of mediocre. You won't find any monsters, but you won't find anyone great either. They're slightly better down the street at the Golden Banana, but a big part of the perceived difference is that Cabaret is so bright that you see a lot more of the flaws.

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – The dancer/customer ratio here was probably about as bad as I've seen. Unless a tour bus just stopped by, there's no excuse for having 3 girls on the floor when there are 30 guys in the club.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – There's some variety in body type, but you're probably better off going elsewhere if you aren't into tattooed white women.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – The girls here are fairly relaxed and don't mind spending a little time with customers even if the customers aren't dropping much cash on them. This is generally a good thing, but can be a little frustrating if you are among the 90% of guys in the club who aren't already talking to a girl.

Value (3.5/10) – You can get a 32 ounce pitcher of beer for $9, but a single bottle will run you a ridiculous $7. The dances are $20 and aren't worth any more than you'd be willing to tip at the stage, and the stage action is fairly weak. The only thing that they get any credit for is having no cover until 7, but it's $10 after that on weekends.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – A bouncer will be watching while you get your dance, and everyone at the stage and part of the bar can as well if they want to. Also, it's brighter in the dance area than it is outside on a sunny day.

Club Setup (6.5/10) – This isn't a huge club, but there's a decent stage, a large bar, and a fair amount of chairs. It's too bright throughout the club, but overall, the setup is pretty solid.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The atmosphere in here is fairly relaxed and makes you think that the drinks will be cheaper and the dances will be better than they actually are.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – You'll have to drive to get here, but at least it's within a half mile of DB's Golden Banana, so it won't be a completely wasted trip if you don't like anyone that you see. Also, there's a hotel across the street that advertises "Free Adult Movies," so you should be set if you find a girl who is willing to take her services off site.

Overall – The atmosphere makes this a better option than the Golden Banana, but unless you're desperate and trapped in Peabody, I wouldn't recommend either of them.