Saturday, June 27, 2009

Massachusetts and New Hampshire Strip Club Map

Red = Excellent club

Orange = Very good club

Yellow = Solid but flawed club that may be worth a visit depending on what you're looking for

Green = Fairly poor club that has a few things going for it

Blue = Only consider this club if you're desperate

Purple = Not worth your time or your money under any circumstances

Colorless Lady = Sadly, we haven't had the chance to visit yet

View Massachusetts Strip Club Map in a larger map

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Zachary's Pub (Mashpee, MA)

Quality of dances (3/20) – You know what to expect from the minute you walk into the place, as the dj's most frequent line is, "Now's a great time to get a dance from one of our lovely ladies. Just as a reminder, in compliance with Massachusetts state law, contact with the dancers is strictly prohibited." The club was too bright and too wide open for me to bother trying anything, but according to the girls, the rules are uniformly enforced. The dancer did make some contact with me, but even that was fairly limited.

Quality of dancers (3/10) – There really aren't many terrible girls here, but there aren't any that would be above average at a respectable club either.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – According to the dry erase board at the entrance, 5 girls were working the evening I was there, but I didn't even see that many.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – Unsurprisingly, most of the girls here are white. I did see one Asian or Latina girl during my visit.

Attitude of dancers (5/10) – The girls didn't look any happier to be here than I was, but when they got on stage, the attitudes were great. For a buck or two (usually 2 since the club gives $2 bills as change), the one dancer walked off the stage and gave short versions of her lap dance. I wish I'd known that before I bought a dance from her, but I liked the effort nonetheless.

Value (4/10) – The cover ($8 when I was there, but different by the hour) and the dances ($20) were way too high, but I can't complain about $3 drafts and solid stage shows. Just as a warning though, the stage value varied wildly from one girl to the next.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – This is about as bad of a dance setup as I've ever seen. You sit along the one wall, but it's right in the middle of the brightly lit club, within sight of the dj who keeps making announcements about the state ban on contact. They get half a point because there was a lit fireplace beside the dances, but I'm probably being too generous with that.

Club Setup (1.5/10) – The inside isn't any better than the outside. The stage is terrible, the seats are uncomfortable, and the club is comically oversized for the number of girls and patrons.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – I can't imagine ever having a good time here, but due to the reasonable beer prices, it might not be a terrible option for an after work beer if you're a local.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – There's a motel/apartments above the club, but other than that, this place is in the middle of nowhere.

Overall – The picture and the dance description tell you all that you need to know.


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

King's Inn (North Dartmouth, MA)

Quality of dances (7/20) – These dances are limited contact for the most part, though the regulars seemed to have slightly more luck than I did. As far as limited contact dances go, these are pretty solid with a fair amount of friction. The girls make a lot of promises of fun to be had in the champagne room, but the prices that I was hearing were way too high for this quality of girl.

Quality of dancers (2.5/10) – The girls here ranged from slightly above average to atrocious. Most of the them are very plain and either are obese have horrible boob jobs.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – This is a small club with a few dancers, but it doesn't seem to get very busy, so you'll get more more than enough face time with the girls.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – I'm willing to compromise a little on quality if a club throws in some variety, but the girls here were almost exclusively white.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – Nearly everyone is friendly and it doesn't seem like they usually make much money, so they appreciate anything that you give them. The girls don't look happy when they're on the "stage," but I can't really blame them for that.

Value (3/10) – Dances are a terrible value at $25, beers are $5.75 each, the stage value is non-existent, and you need a spreadsheet to figure out the cover charge. Every day is different, but just as an example, on Fridays it's $3 before 6pm, $5 from 6-7, $10 from 7-midnight, and $20 from midnight-2am.

Dance Setup (2/10) – The dance room has bench seating and no partitions, and the bouncer has a clear view of everything.

Club Setup (1.5/10) – There are some cramped tables, a fairly small bar, and a pool table in here, but the main attraction is the "stage." It's just a section of the floor that's separated from the rest of the club by waist-level wooden livestock fencing. Seeing a pig of a woman jiggling around inside that pen was one of the saddest things I've ever seen.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This might not be a terrible place to stop for a beer, but I can't see anyone wanting to stay much longer than that.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – King's Inn isn't particularly close to anything worthwhile, but it isn't too far from New Bedford and they have plenty of parking.

Overall – This is the type of club that must survive by being a crime of convenience for locals, but it isn't even good enough to justify that. As with any club that I review that scores below a 35, I have to strongly discourage you from visiting.


Temptation Gentlemen's Club (New Bedford, MA)

Note: This review is based on a visit that took place while this was still the Foxy Lady Southcoast. I don't know if the ownership has changed, or if the name change is just an attempt to put the 2006 shooting behind it, but you should take this review with a grain of salt until I get a chance to make another visit.

Quality of dances (10.5/20) – The club has a strict no touching policy, but most of the girls don't enforce it as long as you aren't too aggressive. The dances were well above average for Massachusetts, and even though no special attention was paid to my tip, the girls weren't shy about letting their hands graze it over the pants.

Quality of dancers (6.5/10) – There aren't a lot of amazing women here, but there aren't many bad ones either. Almost all of them would rate in the 6-8 range.

Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – Regardless of the number of customers, a club that's this large needs to have a lot of dancers to look respectable, and this place doesn't. I give them a little credit for not padding their stats with sub-par girls, but there needs to be more than a half-dozen girls on the evening shift.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – I couldn't give them a perfect score due to the small sample size, but they came close with black, white, and Latina dancers and an Asian massage girl.

Attitude of dancers (3.5/10) – The girls seem appreciative if you sit at the stage and they're nice enough when you get dances, but they don't interact with customers very much the rest of the time.

Value (3.5/10) – The cover is a little high and varies from $7-10 depending on the night, drinks are $5, and the dances are $25. I'd probably take these dances for $25 over the average Massachusetts dance for $20, but either is too much to pay.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – The seats aren't comfortable, but the booths are large and you're sitting around the corner from the entrance to the booth, so only people walking by in the one direction can see you. Since the bouncer doesn't walk by, this makes for one of the better dance setups in the Bay State.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – The main stage is decent, there are two fairly nice bars, and the shower in the corner looks promising, but because of all the empty space, this still looks like a warehouse that was turned into a strip club. There are some tables, but they're all clustered together and aren't that large or comfortable.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place still has scars from the rampage that happened here a few years ago. Most clubs have had some problems with violence, and sadly a murder isn't all that uncommon, but having a masked gunman with a semi-automatic weapon killing 2 people, shooting cops, then killing himself is a whole different level of fucked up. I understand and appreciate the lengths that they go to to make customers feel safe, but it's so extreme that it's a constant reminder of the tragedy. You get wanded when you show up, but if you have to put your cell phone back in your car (which they make you do, even though there are no clocks in the club), they'll watch as you put it away and still wand you again. Once you're in the club, you can't go outside for any reason and come back the same night, even if you pay the cover charge again. I feel bad giving them such a low score for this, because they do make an effort with massage girls and decent music, but I think it will take either a very long time or a new location for the atmosphere to ever be decent here.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Foxy Lady Southcoast is on Popes Island, which makes it very accessible from downtown New Bedford. Unfortunately, New Bedford isn't all that accessable to anywhere else.

Overall – The quality of dances give this place a slight edge over the Foxy Lady's Brockton location, but the atmophere and the relative proximity to Rhode Island are just too much to allow me to recommend it.


Monday, June 22, 2009

Playground Lounge (Atlantic City, NJ)

Quality of Dances (7.5/20) – Solid one-way contact, and most girls allow light contact on them, but this score suffers from the fact that dancers never take their tops off. As with most Atlantic City clubs, you shouldn’t carry high expectations.

Quality of Dancers (3/10) – Nobody was a knockout, and being that there are only a handful of clubs in AC (and a shitload of hot women within 50 miles), you'd think there would be a better selection.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – There was a rotation of three girls on the stage and one who couldn’t be torn from the arms of her sugar daddy at the bar. For 2 AM, I expected much more.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Though there were only really three dancers there, there was one white girl, one black girl, and one [insert Spanish speaking country here] girl.

Attitude of Dancers (7/10) – Despite every patron looking like they wanted to drown themselves in their own misery, the girls were having a great time. It always helps that my crew is friendly and forthcoming to all dancers, but these girls were enjoying life.

Value (2/10) – The cover is $10, and beers are $6. However, no dancers really walking around hurts the overall value and the stage value outlined below kills it.

Dance Setup (5/10) – Dances are in a separate room at the back of the club. It’s pretty private and has a couple of comfy chairs, but the bouncer can sneak a peak at will. Not the worst, but certainly not the best.

Club Setup (2/10) – This place is a dive bar that isn't making much effort to look like a strip club. The "stage" is inside of the bar area, so stage value is almost non-existent. And the only place worth sitting at is the bar, so forget going with a group unless you don't feel like interacting with any of them.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – If you're here with at least 3-4 friends and know my secret, you can have some real fun. Due to the fact that the stage is not reachable, you either have to give a dollar to the bartender to give to the girl (ridiculous), or you can play a game I affectionately call "shooting hoops." Shooting hoops is when you crumple up your dollar and motion for the dancer to open the front of her G-string so you can shoot your dollar into it. The girls love this like it's a Christmas bonus and the bartenders just laugh in amazement. I'm still working on getting a prize for getting it in the hoop but no dice yet. I'm also quite sure that when there aren't any drunken groups at the Playground, it closely resembles Moe's Tavern.

Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – Right in the middle of AC, walking distance from most hotels and an easy cab ride from anywhere downtown.

Overall – This is arguably the second best club in AC, but that distinction is meaningless in a city that desperately lacks quality joints. If you're drunk, won some money gambling, and it's 3am, this is the place for you. Otherwise, it's kind of depressing, as is the fact that you can throw a rock in every direction and hit a "cash for gold" store every time.

RAW SCORE = 39.5

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Blue Moon Lounge (Tyngsboro, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – That’s not a misprint, my friends; this club actually managed to post a goose egg for dance quality. Technically, the rule in Massachusetts is that there be no contact between dancers and customers, but I had never seen that rule strictly enforced...until I got to the Blue Moon Lounge. My dance involved literally zero contact in either direction. Instead, the dancer stood perhaps three feet away and lethargically moved about while stripping. It was hardly different than sitting at the stage. While in the dance room, I also witnessed another dance, and it was the same deal. Yikes.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – Face-wise, the women were largely beautiful, but a few sets of torpedo tits and one mediocre cougar hurt this score. The group was highlighted by a total stunner who was christened The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish.

Number of dancers (4/10) – The mid-afternoon shift featured four dancers, which wasn’t terrible, but from talks with the DJ, the club never gets more than ten girls at night. Given the crowds that Blue Moon can draw, the ratio is definitely unfavorable.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Mostly skinny white women, with the one darker-skinned dancer noted above.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – Getting a dancer to come over was like pulling teeth at this place. Yes, it’s the day shift, and they need to work their regulars, but three dudes who arrived at the club’s opening bell and started drinking immediately shouldn’t ever be ignored for over an hour. When I did finally grab a dancer, her negative attitude was a serious downer.

Value (3/10) – From the outside, you’d think this place would present some solid value, but no dice. No cover before 6 PM and $5 after that. Mixed drinks are $6.50 and beers are now $5. They were previously $6.50 as well, so it's nice to see a club drop its prices for a change, but that's still a little on the high side for a a club in the middle of nowhere. Stage value is below average and dance value is God-awful. Very disappointing.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – Almost as bad as it gets. Dances are in a separate room, but that room sits directly adjacent to the satellite stage and isn’t walled off from the club. Patrons can simultaneously be entertained by the dancer on stage and the pained expression on your face as you receive the worst lap dance of your life. It’s criminal.

Club Setup (4/10) – I liked the two stages (even if one wasn’t being used during the day) and the raised seating on the back end of the bar, but most of the standard club seating was awkward. Seats are lined up in parallel rows facing the two stages, making it seem like you’ll be watching a fifth grade assembly rather than a woman defrocking for cash. I can’t imagine how ridiculous it looks with those seats completely filled. Even if you’re lucky enough to get one of the handful of tables, they’re almost too small to be functional and they’re spaced too close to be comfortable.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – You wouldn’t expect it from the exterior, but this place has a pretty good vibe. The lighting was nice, the DJ was responsive to requests, and the details have the requisite tackiness while still maintaining some class. On this particular day, it was filled with a large group of disrespectful shitsticks (who all work a profession for which I have little respect), but I'm told that the regular crowd tends to be pretty laid back. If the Lounge didn’t fail miserably in many other categories, I would definitely hang out here.

Club Accessibility (.5/5) – The Blue Moon Lounge is about as inaccessible as a club can be. It sits so far north in Massachusetts that if you’re long, you could hit driver->3-wood and then have an easy 7-iron to the New Hampshire border. That it’s relatively close to Route 3 and I-93 does virtually nothing to save this rating.

Overall – Not only is this club not worth your trip, it’s not even worth a stop if you’re passing by (although it’s hard to imagine why you would be). If they ever lower their drink prices and reform their dance rules, we’ll re-evaluate. Until then, the Blue Moon Lounge is crap in a hat.


Update: This club is now called "The Club." According to a comment below, it has changed significantly since my review, but I haven't had a chance to confirm that yet. If you've tried it recently, let me know what you thought.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Foxy Lady Brockton (Brockton, MA)

Quality of dances (4/20) – Don’t be confused by the girls telling you that “You can touch upstairs, but not downstairs.” As Zo found out, they don’t mean that you can touch the tits but not the puss. Sadly, they’re being literal - you’ll get a worthwhile dance in the VIP rooms upstairs if you’re willing to blow some serious cash, but you won’t get any 2-way action during the regular dances downstairs. These aren’t air dances, but they aren’t a whole lot better.

Quality of dancers (8/10) – There are some stunning women here, but there are also a few that have passed their prime. Overall, my biggest complaint about the women is that there are a few too many implants, but there are still plenty of natural girls working on any given night.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – If all of the girls who are working were actually circulating the club, this could be an 8 or a 9, but most of the dancers only leave the dressing room during the 2-for-1 special lineups. Still, there’s usually a girl on both stages and several dancers and massage girls working the crowd.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – There seems to be more variety among the massage girls than with the dancers, but there is still a good variation of body types and ages among the mostly-white dancers.

Attitude of dancers (4.5/10) – Because there are so many dancers, you’re certain to meet a few friendly ones on almost every visit. For the same reason, you’re also certain to meet a few who think they’re god’s gift to men. We’d bump them up a few points if the girls came out of the dressing room more often, but the fact that they stay back there shows that they aren’t particularly interested in interacting with the guests.

Value (3/10) – It will set you back $6 to get in during the day and $12 at night, and drinks start at $6. The dances are $20, but no one pays that since they’re just waiting for the “2-for-1s,” which are actually 2 dances and a Boston sports team t-shirt for $30. Sometimes they throw in free admission coupons, but they’re only good for a few days, so that isn’t a huge help unless you’re a regular. If you’re not a fan of Boston sports (or you just don’t want a cheap t-shirt), you can follow Zo’s lead and sell the shirts on e-Bay for around $5, making the dances effectively 2 for $25.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – You go down a few steps from the main area of the club to get dances under the stage, but there are no partitions and no privacy. Everyone gets dances when they do two-for-ones, so the area gets packed and you’ll be sitting beside 2 guys and looking right at a few more.

Club Setup (7.5/10) – The club could use a few dark corners, but other than that, the setup is excellent. There’s plenty of seating at the two stages, the bar’s fairly large, and there are more than enough tables to accommodate groups. This score would have been even higher but for the fact that the stages don't have poles, which struck me as a little strange.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – Foxy Lady is definitely more gentlemen’s club than titty bar, and it has all the good and the bad that comes along with that. It’s not a great place to stop for a beer or a dance, but it’s not bad if you’re looking to relax and take in the sights for a little while. Also, there are always several massage girls working, and they're usually as hot as any of the dancers.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – They get points for having plenty of parking in what feels like a safe area, but it’s not particularly close to anything. When your best justification for visiting a club is that it’s sortof on the way back from Wal-Mart, that isn’t a good thing.

Overall – This is one of the “classiest” clubs in the state, but as with the other Massachusetts clubs that have invested any cash in their establishments, they aren’t willing to risk their license by making their dances worthwhile. Even with the bad dances, this is probably the best safe strip club in the greater Boston area. Overall, I’d say the Foxy Lady Brockton is worth going to if you don’t care about dances, but it probably isn’t worth it if looking isn’t enough for you.


Friday, June 19, 2009

Platinum Premier (Worcester, MA) - CLOSED

Quality of dances (4/20) – If lap dances are as important to you as they are to us, don’t bother coming to Platinum Premier. There’s 1-way contact, but even that isn’t very aggressive. A bouncer stares at you while you’re getting a dance, so even in the unlikely scenario that you find a cool dancer, you still won’t be getting away with anything.

Quality of dancers (7/10) – There were a few very hot young dancers, but even though the quality is fairly good overall, it isn’t up to the level that you’d expect for a place that looks this nice.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Hurricane Betty’s is a hole in the wall club just down the street from here, and it had significantly more dancers than Platinum Premier. A club that’s this big should have several girls on stage and several talking to customers, but they did not.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – There’s some variation in body type and age, but you’re going to find mostly white girls in here.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – The nice building gives these girls the idea that they’re special for working here, and most of them act like it. You’d think that the dancers would be happy that I’m giving them $25 to do not much of anything, but the one girl basically called me cheap because I wouldn’t pay double for her and her roommate to dance for me at the same time. I’ll admit that I was intrigued, but I’m never going to pay $50 for a dance, especially if it’s not full contact.

Value (2/10) – The cover is $6, presumably to prove that they’re more exclusive than all the other clubs that only charge $5 to get in. Drinks are another $5, and the dances are $25. You can throw dollars on the stage, but the girls pay much more attention to the pole than they do to the customers.

Dance Setup (3/10) – The benches are decent and most of the customers can’t see you, but those are the only positives of the dance setup. There are no partitions and there’s a bouncer standing right beside the dance area who watches all the lack of action.

Club Setup (5.5/10) – This is one of the nicer strip club buildings that I’ve been to, but they don’t even come close to maximizing the potential of the space. They have enough room for a lot of decent sized tables in the stage room, but instead, they just have rows of 2-person tables lined up against each other, making it more like a movie theater than a gentleman’s club. The bar is in another room, out of view of the main stage. There’s a smaller stage near the bar, but no one was on it when I was there.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – Even though this is a nude club, it’s very sterile, and seems more like a trendy steakhouse than a strip club. This wouldn’t be my top choice for a place to get dinner, but I’d be much more likely to come here to eat than I would be to come for a beer.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Platinum Premier is right down the road from Hurricane Betty’s and Holy Cross, and they have a large, fairly secure parking lot.

Overall – If you’re looking to take your girl to a club to show her that strip clubs aren’t seedy and that she wouldn’t object to anything that strippers will do to a guy, this might be a decent place to take her; otherwise, I’d avoid Platinum Premier.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Club Alex's (Stoughton, MA)

Quality of dances (6.5/20) – It seems like fun could be had in the champagne room, but the regular dances here are fairly disappointing. The dancers make decent contact with you, but the only person that you’ll be touching is the dude who’s getting a dance next to you.

Quality of dancers (7.5/10) – Two of the hottest strippers that I’ve ever seen work here, but most of the girls are in the 6-7.5 range. There are a few women that I wouldn’t even consider getting a dance from, but everyone is worth a buck or two when they do the dollar dances.

Number of Dancers (7.5/10) – Considering the size of this club, there are a ton of dancers. If you want a dance, you won’t have to wait for long at all.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – I’d love to see some black dancers here, but there’s a good mix of white and Latina dancers. Strip club veterans already probably assume this, but if you’re going to get a dance, go for the Latinas, especially the Brazilians.

Attitude of dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls aren’t particularly chatty, but they’ll see if you want a dance, and they don’t give much attitude if you don’t. Only one of the dancers was overly pushy about the VIP room.

Value (4/10) –The cover is $3 in the afternoons and $10 at night, and drinks are $6. Some of the girls have decent pole moves on the stage, but their interaction with people who are giving tips is pretty poor. The dances are overpriced, but the dollar “dances” improve the value if you’re there at the right time. Every so often, the dj announces that the girls will be giving dollar dances for the next 3 songs, then all the girls go around and basically give 30 second samples of their dances at the tables. The dollar dances are too short to have much fun, but it’s a good opportunity to see who’ll give a good dance without wasting $20 to find out.

Dance Setup (0/10) – There’s an area toward the back wall where the tables are designated for lap dances. You have to sit in the same uncomfortable chairs that they have throughout the club, and you’ll probably be bumping knees with at least one other guy the whole time.

Club Setup (2/10) – The building is fairly nice and they get some credit for having a shower on the stage, but the club is way too cramped and the setup along the stage is terrible. The stage isn’t much above floor level and there are benches in a dugout area beside it. To make matters worse, there’s enough space between the bench and the stage so that other guys can walk by, so you aren’t close enough to the stage to get any action.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) – The atmosphere isn’t bad, but this is an 18 and over club and the crowd is very young.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – Alex’s is about half way between Boston and Providence, but it isn’t really close to anything.

Overall –A few of the dancers were hot enough to make me consider going back, but I'm all about the dances, and Alex’s just doesn’t have good enough dances to justify driving to Stoughton. If you’re going to drive this far, you might as well go the extra half hour to Rhode Island.


Gold Club (Bedford, NH)

Note: This review was based on a visit that took place while this was still Mark's Showplace. Some things may have changed since then, but based on comments from my readers, the dances aren't much better than they've ever been.

Quality of dances (1/20) – This category needs a lengthy explanation, because the club is great but the dances are among the worst I've ever had. In New Hampshire apparently it's state law to wear lame ass pasties over nipples, and there is absolutely no contact. One of the girls I talked to rolled her eyes sarcastically when she told me that, and unfortunately I wasn't smart enough to get a dance from her. I fell in love with a gorgeous young blonde who I'm sure would give a great dance in another state, and she appeared to try to cheat the rule as much as possible, but that is completely irrelevant to me. The only good thing is that the dance area is walled off from the rest of the club for good privacy, but what does it matter that no one can see a girl dancing 3 feet away from you.

Quality of dancers (8/10) – Every single dancer there was at least a 6, and a few were in the 8-9 range. No fatties, grandmas, or fakes. They all had very sexy outfits on as well.

Number of Dancers (9/10) – On a Monday afternoon there were 6 dancers, all out and about. I was told that, on Tuesday nights when it's a $2 cover and $2 drinks, they get 30+ dancers. Clearly I'll have to revisit the club on a Tuesday for, ahem, fact checking.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Though mostly white girls, there were a variety of body types and styles, and no fake tits. One Latina helped a little, but only a little.

Attitude of dancers (5.5/10) – After two girls ignored me walking by several times, a seasoned veteran came to sit down and invited her friend to hang out. They told us a few lame jokes and laughed at my awesome joke, and never pressured us about getting a dance. They didn't even get terribly upset when I went to get a dance from the hot blonde calling my name.

Value (5.5/10) – The cover is always $5, except on Tuesday it's $2 with $2 drinks. Monday has $1 Miller High Lifes, and $1 wing plate with french fries. Not much could be a better deal. Dances, however, at $20 are about $17 more than they should be for what you get. Stage value is terrible as well because of the no contact rule, and if you go up empty handed, you get what you pay for. (note: according to some readers who have visited more recently than I have, most or all of these prices have gone up since the Gold Club took over)

Dance Setup (2/10) – There's a room in the back end of the club that is 3/4 walled off and very large which is nice, but then there are uncomfortable old benches all along the walls, so everyone is watching everyone else's dance. There are also no partitions anywhere so you better hope Larry Craig isn't sliding his foot over even a little bit.

Club Setup (9/10) – One main stage, and two smaller stages spread almost equidistant so that when it's very busy you never have to look far for someone up there. Chairs/tables are very comfortable and spaced apart so you never feel cramped. There are two dark corners to hide out if you so choose, three large screen TV's with ESPN on, and the bar is a good size and never cramps anyone sitting nearby.

Club Atmosphere (9/10) – The feel of this club is that of a slightly upscale restaurant while still pulling off the casual relaxing pub type atmosphere, with lots of titties roaming around. A very difficult task to accomplish, but they pull it off. Hopefully next time I go back I'll see the shower show that received rave reviews from another patron.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – Roughly 5 miles from route 93, It's still pretty far from any real civilization. What can ya do, it's New Hampsha. Still, there is a hotel less than a mile away, so bachelor party possibilities linger in my mind. If you are going to go out of your way to get here though, just make sure that they're open, because, as I found out the hard way, they've got some strange hours of operation.

Overall – If you're in the area, stopping by is a must. Unfortunately, unless you are a hippie or are on your way between Boston and Canada on business, you'll never be in the area. Thankfully this place is worth a visit on the right nights to rip it up hard and crash at a hotel nearby. Just don't get your hopes up for dances, and forget about extras, as the manager banned girls making out during the shower show because it was "too sexual."


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Hurricane Betty's (Worcester, MA)

Quality of dances (8/20) – The dances are nude, and even though some of the girls allow 2-way contact, most do not. Also, the bouncer checks in during the dance to make sure that you aren't having any fun. Extras would not be possible here due to the set up, but one of the dancers hinted that she's available outside of the club. Another dancer called her a "dirty hoe," but I'll take a dirty hoe over a prude any day.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – I have not seen any total stunners, but a few come close and help the score.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – The rotation was pretty solid, but there was only 1 girl on stage and 1 or 2 girls circulating most of the time during my day shift visit. There were several more girls in the dressing room, but they only came out when they were on stage. On a few packed Thursday nights, however, there were at least 15-18 girls in this small but cozy club. Props to the owner for rounding up the women.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – The variety of dancers is probably the best thing about this club. It was about an even split between white, black, and Latina dancers, and there was even one older Asian during the day shift. Since returning, I did not see any Asians, blacks, and only 1 Latina. The diversity among white girls (thick/thin/big tits/little tits/tan/blonde/brunette) is pretty amazing. The only thing missing was a fire bush.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – Most of the dancers look happy to be there, but a few of the girls are almost too friendly. One dancer wouldn't get off my lap even though I wasn't buying her drinks or tipping her, to the point where I couldn't go to the stage or get dances from anyone else. She was giving me more action for free at the table than I got during the dances, although that still isn't saying much. The ratio of dancers who give the always dreaded, "hi, wanna dance? No? See ya.,", to the more talkative bunch hurts this score, but the proud few keep it from dipping too low.

Value (5/10) – The cover and drinks are both $5 if you are over 21 ($20 if under), but the dances are overpriced at $20 and the stage action is below average even though it's fully nude. Beers are $5.50, and the waitress is super hot (though not a day over 18). Before she was told otherwise, I convinced her to let me do a tequila body shot off of her gorgeous rack, complete with salt and lime on either side.

Dance Setup (1/10) – There's a row of chairs along the wall in the main room for the dances. Even though a curtain keeps people at the stage from seeing you, it doesn't stop the other girls who are giving dances from watching and it's low enough that the bouncer can look over the top. Everyone who walks in can take a peek as well. There is a "champagne" room, but even the girls tell you it's not worth your time. That's the only advertisement I needed to avoid it all together.

Club Setup (2/10) – There are a lot of tables and the stage is fairly large, but the club is tiny and can be cramped if it's even remotely busy. There are very few places to sit where the speakers aren't exploding your ear drums as well, so it's hard to navigate a comfortable place to sit.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – This isn't exactly a shady club, but something just doesn't seem quite right about it. It's down the street from Platinum Premier, and probably gets most of it's business from the 18 year old college kids who need a lesson in strip club etiquette, pronto.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Hurricane Betty's is near Holy Cross, not far at all from downtown Worcester. They have their own free parking lot, but I wasn't overly confident that my car would be alright while I was in the club. I didn't have any problems though.

Overall – This club, in my eyes, is Rachel Ray. Rachel Ray is an enigma. Is she hot? Is she fat? What size are her tits? I can never tell. The same can be said for Hurricane Betty's. If you find the right girls in the club, you'll have a great time. If not, it could be a disaster.


Monday, June 15, 2009

Mac's Two Lounge (North Billerica, MA)

Quality of dances (4/20) – Half the dance was spent with the girl on the floor in front of me doing the exact same thing that she did on stage, and the other half of the dance involved her making moderate contact with me. The dancers aren't really attractive enough that you'd want to touch them, but if you do, they won't allow you to anyway.

Quality of dancers (3/10) – The dancers that I saw had decent bodies, but their faces were jacked and they had fake tits. If anything, I'm being generous with this score.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – The afternoon shift was pathetic, and even though they said that they'd have a few more in the evening, that would have still been a joke.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – They get some credit for having an Asian mixed in amongst the overwhelming whiteness of the club, but she's older and has particularly unnatural looking tits.

Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – I was the only guy in the club when I got there, and the girls looked annoyed that I showed up because it meant that one of them had to start dancing. It's obvious that a guy sitting at an alcohol-free bar in a strip club is there for dances, but they still didn't approach me. Once I talked to a girl at the stage, she was nice enough, but it shouldn't have to get to that point.

Value (1/10) – The cover is $5 during the day and $10 at night, and sodas and waters are $5 each. The $20 dances aren't worth more than $5, and the stage action is sub-par. The only reason to ever go to a shitty little strip bar in the middle of nowhere is to save money, and you won't be doing that here.

Dance Setup (0/10) – There's a slightly offset section near the entrance where the dances are given, but most of the people in the club and everyone at the bar has a perfect view of you while you're getting a dance. There are no partitions, the seats aren't terribly comfortable, and the area is slightly brighter than the rest of the club.

Club Setup (4/10) – There are a lot of tables and a decent sized stage here, and even though the bar is small, that doesn't matter since no one would sit at the bar anyway.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place could have a decent dive bar atmosphere, but they don't serve or allow you to bring your own alcohol, so it's just terrible. They do have dozens of copies of the XTREME Magazine laying around the club, so that can keep you entertained once you get sick of looking at the slop that they have on stage.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – This club is in the middle of nowhere, but you could get here in 15 minutes from Lowell, so I'll give it a half a point for that.

Overall – Even by Massachusetts standards, this club sucks.


Sunday, June 14, 2009

Center Stage (Springfield, MA)

Quality of dances (13/20) – They lose points here because there is such inconsistency from girl to girl. You might get one dance where there's no contact with your lower body, then the next dance leaves you with lipstick stains on the crotch of your pants. If you do manage to find the right girl, the dances are excellent, as evidenced by the fact that I've had to Purell my nipples when I left.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – There aren't any ugly dancers here, but there aren't more than 1 or 2 girls who would rate an 8 or above either. And, as with most clubs, when a few girls are significantly more attractive than the rest, the hottest ones don't feel a need to really work for the money. If you're getting a dance, go for a "6" or a "7." The one advantage that this place has over Mardi Gras is that there are significantly less implants here.

Number of Dancers (5/10) – There are three or four girls on stage and about the same amount looking to give dances, and they just rotate after each set. This gives a great ratio in the afternoon, but they don't increase the number of dancers when it gets busier, so you might have to wait for a dance then.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – It really depends on when you go, because I've visited on nights where pretty much everyone was white, but I also saw a hot Asian girl, a few black dancers and some attractive Latinas during my most recent visit.  There's usually some decent size variation as well, and even the larger ladies are not of the sloppy variety.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – "Hi, I'm ___, would you like a dance?" is about as much conversation as you'll get out of these girls. They're good about counting dances and seem happy to perform for you on stage, but some of them just sit by themselves when they're off stage and force you to approach them for dances.

Value (6.5/10) – Parking is free, beer is $5, and if there's ever a cover, it starts fairly late. You'll get your money's worth for $1 at the stage, but the payoff on your $25 dance fee really depends on the girl you get.

Dance Setup (2/10) – This is yet another Massachusetts club with a large open room for lap dances. You get your own chair, and two of the chairs are offset a little bit, but this is still a poor setup.

Club Setup (2/10) – As with the dance room, the club has the usual shitty Massachusetts setup - big stage, tiny bar, and few other places to sit. The club is fairly large though, and according to a several-year-old old sign on the door, it's "The newest club in New England."

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – I like the atmosphere better at Mardi Gras, but you should feel fairly safe here, and in Springfield, that's a big deal. Center Stage isn't a bad place to grab a beer and a dance, but I'm not sure that I'd usually hang out here for too long. The one exception would be on nights when they have nude roller derby, or "Roll-or-gazum" as they call it, with a midget referee. I have not personally witnessed this, but I can only imagine that the atmosphere is off the charts. If you're interested, you should check their site for details.

Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – They have their own free parking lot and they're located in a relatively safe part of Springfield.

Overall – Anthony's is slightly better than any of the downtown clubs, but if you inexplicably want to stay in downtown Springfield, Mardi Gras and Center Stage each have their strengths. Mardi Gras has more dancers, hotter dancers, and more promises of VIP fun, but the girls at Center Stage have less silicone and give much better lap dances. Also, the clubs are very close to each other, so you could always try both of them.


Updated July 2012.

Club Castaways (Whately, MA)

Quality of dances (6/20) – According to the signs, you're supposed to prepay for all dances, but thankfully none of the girls tried to enforce this. As a general rule, if a girl ever tries to get you to prepay, she's not worth getting a dance from.
The 1-way contact rules are followed for the most part, but the dances aren't bad considering that limitation. The one dancer who didn't follow the contact rules practically sexually assaulted me, but I can't add points for that because it wasn't even enjoyable. Even if she really is a "freak," as she repeatedly told me, I still didn't want to grab her tits so hard that they felt like they were going to pop, but she kept putting her hands on mine and squeezing tighter, so I didn't have much choice.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – The talent here was better than I expected, but still wasn't anything great. There wasn't anyone who you'd have to look away from, but there weren't any 9's or 10's either.

Number of Dancers (5/10) – For such a small club, there were more dancers than I expected, with 3 on stage most of the time. They might be better off only having 1 or 2 on stage though, because there could have been more girls mingling with the customers.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Given the location, it's not surprising that most of the girls here are white, but there are a few black dancers and even one Asian, which is practically unheard of in New England.

Attitude of dancers (3.5/10) – Most of the girls are friendly, but they lose big points here because a girl yelled at me for having my phone in my front pocket. Besides the fact that not may people keep their phones anywhere else, if you're putting pressure on my leg, you aren't focusing on the right spot.

Value (3.5/10) – Drinks are $4.75, and even though there's no cover charge in the afternoons or on Tuesdays, the value is hurt by subpar dances for $20. The stage action is also average at best.

Dance Setup (4/10) – Customers at the bar and the stage can't see you in the dance room, but the plants that separate the chairs don't stop the guy beside you from watching. The booth in the back is fairly private, so you should ask for this one if it's available.

Club Setup (3/10) – There are some tables along the wall, but no more than 2 people fit at any of them, so they wouldn't work for groups. The bar is too small for a place like this, so most people don't have any choice but to sit at the average-sized stage.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – There's a comfortable vibe here, but Castaways tries to walk the line between dive bar and club, and it doesn't really pull off either.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – Club Castaways isn't close to anything and it keeps very strange hours, so it can be frustrating if you drive to get here only to find out that it's closed. I'd call to make sure that they're open, but generally they are closed on Sundays and Mondays and they close at 10 on some other days.

Overall – If you live around Whately, there aren't really any other options nearby, but I'd still probably just save my money for trips to better clubs.


Saturday, June 13, 2009

Lamplighter II (Worcester, MA)

Quality of dances (13/20) – I really struggled with rating the dance quality at this club. Here was my initial review:

If you're there for the dances, you won't be disappointed at the Lamplighter II. I've frequented nearly every strip club in Massachusetts, and I can say with confidence that these dances are the best the Bay State has to offer. Dancers were extremely aggressive with contact in both directions, to the point where even an experienced club-goer might blush with modesty. Normally, this rating would be a 17 or 18, but because it derives from a limited sample size, it was knocked down for the sake of prudence.

Sadly, later visits brought it back down to earth. The dances here are very unpredictable. The same girl who amazed me on my first is no longer there and there are a few others whose give outstanding dances, but there are also girls who give dances that are average at best. The bouncer will occasionally yell at the dancers who allow 2-way contact, but they don't seem to worry too much about that. Still, you're probably better off assuming that the dances will suck, then being very pleasantly surprised if you get the right girl, rather than the other way around.

Quality of dancers (3/10) – Certainly not Worcester's finest, but seriously, look at the picture of this place: What were you expecting? Despite this rating, I'm confident that you'll find at least one dance-worthy woman at any given time.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Even on their best day, it's rare to see more than 5 dancers here, and it's not unusual to see fewer than that. Sure, this is a small club, but three dancers at 4 PM is an unacceptably low number, particularly when one isn't even walking the floor. There can be a decent post-work crowd of 10-15 guys (many of whom seemed to be regulars), so they can't justify these numbers on a lack of patrons. Also, at Centerfold's two hundred meters down the road (a similarly crowded club), there are often three or four times as many dancers working on the afternoon shift.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – Because of the lack of women, it's difficult to fairly judge this category. However, the three who were present on my first visit did present a wide range of options: skinny blonde pasty-white girl, thicker black woman with enormous cans, and an olive-skinned white woman with dark features and lovely lap dance hips. When it's busier, the amount of pasty-white girls and thicker black women goes up, but sadly, the one olive-skinned beauty has moved on. Speaking of which, if anyone knows what Denise is up to these days, shoot me an email.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – I've been disappointed by the lack of rounds made by the women and am generally ambivalent about their attitudes. Most of them aren't bad, but there are usually one or more who don't seem to be all there mentally.

Value (6/10) – No cover before 6 and $5 after that. It's a little ridiculous that this place has the balls to ever charge a cover, but it's in line with industry standards. Beers are also a standard $4-5. At $20, the dances are a tremendous value, and certain dancers will make the stage action worth your time. I just wish that the asshole-flex stage move would be banned from all establishments nationwide. Customers should get paid to watch that nonsense.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – The dance setup here could be amazing, but doesn't quite live up to its potential. Dances are conducted in large comfortable chairs in a curtained-off room providing significant privacy. However, that room is directly next to both the front door and the smoking patio, so people are constantly walking by and could sneak a peek if they wanted to. Also, because there are two chairs in the room, it's possible to be getting a dance right next to another dude in the private room. The shitiness of that situation speaks for itself. Of course, this shouldn't be a problem for you, because the readers of Stripperpoll will know to refuse to dance in a currently-occupied room.

Club Setup (2/10) – Decent for a dive bar, awful for a strip club. Half a dozen tables dot the tiny floor space and the stage is smallish and lined with uncomfortable wooden chairs. No matter where you are, you feel like you can't just relax and hang out. Also, during the day, the open door to the smoking patio allows daylight to pour in to an otherwise dark club, which is never a good thing.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – At the time this club was originally reviewed, this rating was a 4.5, based mostly on the fact that the DJ played Shawty is Da Shit by The Dream, a Stripperpoll favorite. But now that the excitement from that song has worn off, it's clear that a 3.5 is more accurate. There really isn't much positive to say about Lamplighter II's atmosphere. As was mentioned above, it's basically a dive bar with no remarkable characteristics.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Located about 5 miles outside of Worcester on the SW Cutoff (route 20), Lamplighter II is a little far for a cab ride from downtown, but it's otherwise easily accessible by car.

Overall – Lamplighter II is all about dance quality, and if you're anything like me, you'll appreciate that. You'd never want to have a bachelor party here, but it works well for an after work beer and dance. Come in with the right expectations and you should leave satisfied.


Friday, June 12, 2009

Anthony's (South Hadley, MA)

Quality of Dances (14/20) – Technically this is a one-way contact club, but few if any of the girls enforce that, and some act insulted if you aren't groping them. The girls don't use their hands and don't try to finish you off, but the dances are very aggressive. I'm not usually a champagne room guy, but I've bitten the bullet and can confirm that it's worth it here, especially with the Latinas.

Quality of Dancers (6.5/10) – There are a few older dancers who probably shouldn't be here, but other than that, their girls are mostly in the 6-9 range. Recent visits have been a little disappointing, but the quality is still fairly good overall, and there's almost one or two completely blazing girls in the place.

Number of Dancers (5/10) – When this place is crowded, you just have to hope that everyone else is too cheap to get dances, because otherwise you'll be waiting awhile to get anyone's attention without going to the stage. Unfortunately, it's usually fairly crowded. There usually seems to be about a half dozen dancers in the afternoons and about double that in the evenings.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3.5/5) – You'll probably find a decent mix of white girls and Latinas, but there are occasionally some very attractive black dancers as well. Though it's rare to see a chubby girl, the full range of fit shapes are usually represented.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Even when they're busy, most of the girls take a little bit of time to chat before asking about dances. They aren't too hard on the sale for the VIP room, but pretty much all of them will mention it and make promises about fun that can be had back there.

Value (5.5/10) – Most of the beers are $4.75, but 16 oz. PBR cans for $3 is a great value. The cover isn't too bad at $5 in the evening if you're at least 21 ($10 if you aren't) and dances used to be a good value at $20, but you've got to be a little more selective about who you accept dances from now that they're charging $25 each. The dances are good, but you won't be leaving fully satisfied without dropping $100+ for 15 minutes in the champagne room.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – The dances are given in a small sectioned off area in the main room. It's hard for people outside to see more than shadows, but the other people getting dances have a clear view. On the bright side, you do get your own chair for the dances, so you won't have to risk bumping into anyone else.

Club Setup (5/10) – The stage is huge, but thankfully it's no longer the only place to sit in here. There are now a few seats at the main bar, a new bar in the opposite corner, and a few small tables and a couch in the main area of the club.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – The atmosphere isn't bad, but the relative lack of tables and bar seats hurts it if you've got more than 2 or 3 people in your group. Also, the club is 18+, but the kids have to sit in a special section along the wall on the far side of the club, which actually is relatively far from everyone else.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – Anthony's is reasonably close to Chicopee if that does anything for you.

Overall – Anthony's is somewhat inconsistent due to the relatively small number of dancers, but it's still probably my favorite club in the western Massachusetts. It's nothing fancy, but it's a solid little club that's worth a stop if you're in the area and can catch them when they aren't too busy.


Last updated: July, 2012

5th Alarm (Springfield, MA)

Quality of dances (15/20) – There was a lot of over the pants rubbing and offers to make me cum, but it's hard to enjoy it too much when there's a dude taking another dancer up on those same offers within plain view. Still, the dances are very much full contact, though there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of dancing going on.

Quality of dancers (1/10) – The black women are big and the white women look beat up. If you're interested in seeing attractive women, this isn't the right place. I've been told that many of the girls from the old Club 418 now dance here, but considering that their website used to brag about having "the biggest girls in New England," I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

Number of Dancers (5.5/10) – There were probably 8-10 dancers in the here, and even though several of them were just sitting and talking to each other, there were more girls than customers in the afternoon.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Almost every girl in this place looks ghetto regardless of their race, and they range in size from thick to enormous. Most of them seemed to be in their late 20's, but there were a few older ones, including one whose whiskered asshole almost made me throw up.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – The girls here usually just ignore you until you sit a dollar in front of your seat, then they come running and give more contact at the stage than you'd get in a lapdance at most Massachusetts clubs. If the girl on stage doesn't see the dollar, the girls at the end of the bar shout, "Pussy for sale! Pussy for sale!" until the girl comes over to you.

Value (7.5/10) – There's no cover until 7, and only a 5 dollar cover after that. Drinks aren't too bad at $4 each and you get full value for your lap dance fees as well, but the real value here is in the stage action. Of course, the risk of your car being broken into while your in here offsets the value somewhat.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – You get your own chair for the lap dances, but they're still crowded around a small area in the back of the club. The people at the stage can't see you, but other guys who are getting dances are unobstructed.

Club Setup (1/10) – Fifth Alarm is located in a barely renovated warehouse. The stage here is similar to the stage down the street at Mardi Gras, only this one isn't nearly as nice. Also, there's a supply closet that blocks the one side of the bar/stage from the dance room, so the girls have you walk through it to meet them in the back. For the three seconds that I was in there, I was convinced that it was some type of setup and that I was going to die.

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – This is the most ghetto club that I've ever been to. People at the bus stop in front of the club were eyeing up my fairly shitty car as I pulled into the parking lot, and a lot of the crowd looked like they just stepped out of a scene from The Wire. The fact that they put in metal detectors shows that the club is trying to change the atmosphere in here, but it still isn't a place that I'd want to spend much time at night. You're welcome to assume that I'm just a pussy and that it isn't that bad, but as a point of reference, I feel perfectly safe at King Arthur's in Chelsea.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Fifth Alarm is in downtown Springfield, but it isn't in a good location at all. On the plus side, I've been told that they do now have a fenced in parking lot across the street that someone watches at night.

Overall – The dances and value here are very good, but the chances of making frequent trips here without ever being a victim or a witness to a crime are not.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Visions (Madison, WI)

[Note: This review was written by guest blogger Pussy Control, trusted friend of Peter Tips.]

Quality of dances (4/20) – The girl who gave my friends and me a dance (she took three of us back for a dance at once) was having fun and/or was really good at her job: gold star for personality. As the first song ended she even said, “Well that was a short song; I’ll give you one more.” None of us specifically asked about two-way contact, but I think it was available. One-way contact was quality. I was also impressed with how well she adjusted to giving a dance to women rather than men (not something all strippers do well from my limited experience). Unfortunately for you, the other customers that I talked to reported that it's rare for guys to get anything more than airdances in this place.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – It was amateur night when I was there, and so it was a little tough to tell who actually worked at the club. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of the girls who clearly worked there. My only previous strip club experience being the Spearmint Rhino, I had relatively low expectations for a strip club near the airport in Madison. While there was at least one girl who was the embodiment of every negative side effect of Meth, there were also a few cute, healthy looking women, at least one of whom was in great shape and had some awesome moves on the poll.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Again, a little hard to tell because it was amateur night, but it looked like only about 5 or 6 girls there were employees of the club. That being said, it was a Sunday night and there were only a handful of people there other than the group I was with. Despite the fact that the group of women I was with were obviously not going to spend a lot on dances, two of the girls spent most of the night hanging out with us.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – I’m pretty sure that all the girls who worked at the club were white. But I give them points for good diversity of body type: petite athletic builds, more curvy types, and not a fake tit in sight (like Peter Tips, Pussy Control far prefers teardrops to bazookas).

Attitude of dancers (8.5/10) – This is where the club really shined. These girls were FUN. Take into consideration that I was there with a large, rowdy group of fun women, so that was clearly a factor. But still, when on stage they looked like they were having a good time, and they did things to each other and my friends that you would NEVER see at a place like the Rhino. This is the upshot of a smaller, more laid back club I suppose.

Value (7.5/10) – There's no cover before 7 PM, but it's a slightly overpriced $8 after then. At $2, the beer is a solid value, even for Wisconsin. Dances were $20, but the girls were willing and able to negotiate, at least with us female patrons. The show on stage was an especially good value, with the girls doing all sorts of crazy shit for ones and fives.

Dance Setup (9/10) – I’m going to qualify this by saying that I was pretty wasted by the time my friends and I got a dance, so things are a little fuzzy…. But I know that we walked past a bouncer to get back to the booths. The girl we were with definitely had to ask his permission to bring three of us back there at once, but he seemed pretty cool and was willing to go along with whatever the dancer suggested. The booth that we went back to had three walls and a curtain that closed it off. Inside there was a love seat and a tiny little “stage” with a mirror. It sort of reminded me of a dressing room at a nice clothing store. Hard to imagine a better dance setup than this.

Club Setup (3/10) – I actually liked the set-up a lot, but Peter Tips insists that it qualifies as a three. Right as you come in there is a bar with bar stools, etc. It was nice to have the option of sitting off to the side and having a few beers before heading over towards the stage. The stage was off to the right. It was L shaped, surrounded by tables and standard banquet hall chairs. The floor was a little crowded with tables and chairs, and although we didn’t have trouble navigating the landscape on this slow night, it must be very difficult when things get packed. There were also some tables set back from the stage, which was nice for those who were just there to hang out, and didn’t really want to be too close to the action on stage. It was a very basic setup, but it met all of our needs.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – I hate to give it such a low rating, because I really liked the atmosphere. I guess it depends on what you are looking for. It was the local dive bar of strip clubs; clean and comfortable, but nothing fancy. I’m the type who always goes for the more low-key and laid back place in general, so I thought it was great. If you want lots of plush seats, fancy lighting and glimmering bars stocked with bottle after bottle of Patron and Grey Goose, this is not your scene. But if that is your scene, what the fuck are you doing in Madison, WI? It is no Rhino, but I was more comfortable and had more fun at Visions.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Ten minute cab ride from downtown, very close to the airport.

Overall – Nothing fancy, just the basics. However, the club was cleaner and more comfortable and the girls hotter than I expected for the only strip club in Madison. What’s more, the women working there were fun as hell. I’d go back if I ever had any reason to be in Madison again (and I have no interest in ever going back to the Spearmint Rhino).


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Magic Lantern (Palmer, MA)

Quality of dances (11/20) – The dances here are supposed to be 1-way contact, but the girls aren't too strict about that as long as you aren't obvious about it. Management has a great view of what's going on in the dance room though, so being nervous about touching kind of kills it. Either way, the girls are naked and aren't shy about grinding and rubbing their heads in your crotch. Also, even though I've never gotten any offers, extras are likely available as Magic Lantern girls have been busted for prostitution in the past.

Quality of dancers (3.5/10) – I lowered my expectations when I saw the outside of this place, and the girls here still were a disappointment. They weren't ugly, but there's no reason to pay to see most of them naked.

Number of dancers (2/10) – More dancers work later in the day, but in the afternoon, there are usually about 2 girls in the place and none on the stage.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – There's some variety in body type, but the majority of girls here are white.

Attitude of Dancers (6.5/10) – Everyone here is really friendly and, even after talking to a girl for a little while, the conversation doesn't turn to their problems. Also, the one dancer was willing to give me a song and a half for the price of one without me asking just because it was a slow day.

Value (6.5/10) – There's no cover charge in the afternoon and the cover in the evenings is only a few bucks. You can get Budweiser 16 oz drafts for $3.50, and reasonably good dances are $20. The value would have been even higher if they kept the stage occupied.

Dance Setup (1/10) – The main dance room is right between the entrance, the bar, and the stage, and it's made of slightly tinted glass, so anyone can see what you're up to. There are no dividers for privacy, so you'll be right beside someone else if two people get dances at the same time. The VIP dances are more private and they're 3 for $100, but that isn't worth doing unless you get some guarantees about what's going to happen back there.

Club Setup (2/10) – There's a large trench-style stage with chairs surrounding it, but there isn't really anywhere else to sit other than the bar. Though sitting at the bar isn't a bad thing, since the bartendress is by far the hottest girl in the place.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – This place is your standard solid dive bar, but there just happen to be some topless women walking around. If I lived near here, I'd probably stop by fairly often to grab a beer, but sadly there isn't enough talent to keep my interest for too long. Also, there's some strange music selections, and I'm pretty sure that it's the only place that I'll ever get a dance to the Jack Johnson song from Curious George.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – If you think this club is in the middle of nowhere, you should see the Deliveranceish place that you'll end up if you believe the address that's listed on their website. They're actually located at 399 Wilbraham Rd (Rt. 20) in Palmer, which still isn't really close to anything worthwhile.

Overall - The Magic Lantern is a very average club, but everything's cheap enough that it might be worth stopping by to see who's working if you're in the area. I'd never drive far to get here though.


Centerfolds (Worcester, MA)

Note: This review is for Centerfolds at 229 Southwest Cutoff, Worcester, not to be confused with Centerfolds 2000, which is a few miles west of here.

Quality of dances (14/20) – These are some of the best dances that you'll get in Massachusetts. The dances are nude and the girls are very aggressive with grinding and over the pants rubbing. I assumed that the usual no-touching rule applied based on the sign so I wasn't participating too much, but some dancers will grab your hands and put them on their tits, so no complaints there. I get the feeling extras are offered by some girls, so choose wisely if that's your thing.  Refer to the beginner's guide so you have a better idea of what type of girl to look for.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – If they fired half the girls that work here, they could rate at least a 7 for quality of dancers, but they have a few of the worst dancers that I've ever seen. I thought one girl was constantly walking around with a top on but no bottoms, but it was just that her FUPA was covering it up. On the flip side, there were several knockouts and my silicon detector showed no signs.

Number of dancers (8/10) – There were 10+ dancers in the mid-afternoon, and probably about a 1/1 dancer to customer ratio.  On a Friday night there were 12-15 girls, and the ratio was definitely in my favor until 12:30am when the biker bar across the street spilled over onto the scene.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4.5/5) – It was a fairly even mix of black and white, and one very outgoing Brazilian (when aren't they?). We even spotted an Asian waitress with great curves.  You could find just about any body type or age that you want in here.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Before I even ordered two shots of Jameson, my friend and I were greeted by the massage girl, shot girl, and two friendly dancers.  This is pretty aggressive behavior compared to the last few times I was here, but the ratio was great for me so it appears the dancers were paying attention to that.  Throughout the night, I was approached by six girls without even making eye contact and only one of them gave the dreaded, "Hi, do you want a dance? No? Bye."  That's a pretty solid batting average...and I wasn't even wearing a suit.

Value (6/10) – Beer is $5.50, the cover is $5 in the evening, and the dances are $20. $20 really isn't a bad price to pay for these dances though.  A drink from the shot girl was a reasonable $7, especially since she was very friendly and lets you take the shot off her chest (the finest way to imbibe, in my opinion).

Dance Setup (3/10) – The dance room is off to the side of the main room, but people at the right angle can see right in. The room is open and there are benches around the walls, and strangely, it's brighter in here than in the rest of the club. It isn't terrible if you're the only one getting a dance, but it would be terrible to be in there with other people, which you always will be on a weekend night.  A simple separator to give some privacy between you and the guy next to you would make this much more bearable. 

Club Setup (1/10) – This club is tiny and there isn't really anywhere to sit other than the stage, the tiny bar, or the small row of bench seats that have no dividers.  Since guys sit here, and guys don't like to sit next to each other, we all conform to the every other urinal rule, so while there is room for maybe 12 guys total, it's really more like six.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – The vibe in here isn't terrible with the nice TV and friendly girls, but the lack of seating makes it awkward if the place is even mildly busy and you have nowhere to sit.  Not having a real table to chill at makes it tough to want to stay here long if you're with a friend or a large group. 

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – The club is only a few minutes from Worcester, but it's probably not cab-able. Also, Centerfolds is within walking distance of Lamplighter II, so if you don't like what you see here, it's easy enough to change venues.

Overall - Mario's in Webster (about 15 miles away) is a better club overall, but the dances here and down the road are good enough to make these clubs worth a visit to mix things up if you're not up for driving further to a better club. And please don't confuse this club with Centerfolds 2000 (aka Centerfolds Worcester), because that place is the exact opposite of this one with hot girls, an upscale atmosphere and terrible dances.


Airport Lounge (Milwaukee, WI)

Quality of dances (6/20) – Unlike Encore, there's no sign on the front door of the club threatening a felony if you touch the dancers, but it is on the door to the dance room, and posted on the inside of every individual booth. I received solid one-way contact dances (alot of knee action), but I can't rate a dance very high at all when there is a felony warning right over my shoulder.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – There were about three attractive girls here, but unfortunately only one had a good stripper body, aka the requisite 1/2 inch of "filth" that provides a sweet, sweet dance. That being said, I did fall in love with a stripper. Also, I'm happy to report that there was not one set of fake tits in this club.

Number of dancers (4/10) – There were about 10-15 girls working; the rotation of girls was completed in about 45 minutes. However, there was only really one girl worth getting a dance from, and some stiff in a shirt and tie took up an hour of her time without getting a dance, and there was a backlog of customers waiting for her when she became free. She agreed to give me a dance, but then a guy offered to go into the VIP, and she vanished. If you ever consider paying $150 dollars for 30 min at the VIP at a club like this, you should save the money and go see a psychiatrist.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Despite its proximity to the south side, there was only one Latina working, one darker skinned girl, one hot white girl, and ten girls who basically looked the same- in fact two were even sisters.

Attitude of Dancers (7.5/10) – The attitude of the dancers is the only thing that saves this club. For a one-way contact club, the girls give you an insane amount of stage play- motorboating, blowing of the ears, and they're aggressive on the stage! The girl who gave me a dance went out of her way to get Akon on for the dance, and the girls will sit with you, but you have to buy them drinks.

Value (1.5/10) – The value drops sharply the longer you stay here. $5 dollar cover, but they give you a free entrance voucher. $3 beers on special, but anything over $1.25 in MKE is highway robbery. You can get a $10 dance, but you really have to pay $25 if you are going to get a real dance, and that's way too much for a one-way contact dance. Tip walk is a ball-buster, and the girls will hustle you for $9 drinks if you allow them to hang around.

Dance Setup (0/10) – The $10 dance booths are on the main floor along the wall, and I swear they stole shoe-shine chairs/booths from the airport accross the street and stuck them along the wall. The $25 dollar room has a bouncer at the cash register an arm's length away the whole time, and you're in the same shoeshine-esque booth with nothing accross the front. Even for $150, you only get a half-wall blocking your view, but you get a leather couch. I dropped this value from a 0.5 to a 0 solely because there are signs in each booth reminding you of the felonious consequences of touching the dancers.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – You are basically forced to sit at the stage or the bar, which faces away from the stage. The stage has two circular areas where the girls dance, but not enough seats; when you sit in the middle, you can't see the dancers, and they rarely approach. There are tiny tables against the wall, but really only large enough for one person. When asked where groups should sit, the waitress pointed to a 2x4 with 5 chairs in front of it.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – I spent 2 hours here, which was 1 1/2 hours too long. When you walk in, you can't even see the dancers due to all of the smoke in the air. The music was good at first, but degenerated into heavy metal. Since it is right next to the airport, the girls cluster around the stiffs in ties who act like they're going to spend money, but only waste the dancers' time. There's nowhere to really hang out, and you're going to get hustled if you stick around too long.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – The club is right by the airport, but really isn't that accessible from downtown. Most of the clientelle is just people staying at the hotels in the surrounding area.

Overall - For Milwaukee, this club seems decent. I would recommend it if you are killing time before a flight, or for a very brief stop in. This is definitely not a place to hang out with friends or not get lung cancer.


Monday, June 1, 2009

The Catwalk Club (New Haven, CT)

Quality of dances (7/20) - The dances are nude, and despite the signs saying that no contact of any kind is permitted, the girls who know how to use their knees still manage to give a decent dance. It's hard to enjoy it too much though with a large dreadlocked bouncer sitting 5 feet away to strictly enforce the rule against you touching dancers. I was told that some touching is allowed in the $200 private room, but you should probably kill yourself if you even consider that.

Quality of dancers (3.5/10) - The girls ranged from terrible to decent, but even the decent ones looked worn.

Number of dancers (2/10) - There weren't many dancers at all, but I can't imagine there ever being many customers, so you'll be able to get a girl for a dance if you want.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) - There was actually a lot of variety - black and white, naturally female and probable tranny, and linebackerish and meth skinny dancers were all working when I was there.

Attitude of Dancers (1.5/10) - The girls who weren't on stage were in their dressing room, and it still took several announcements and about 5 minutes just to get a girl to come out for her set. The dancers didn't look any happier to be there than I was, and I got a hard time for asking for change after my dance.

Value (2/10) - I paid a $10 cover, but apparently it's usually $12. Either way, it's too high. There's a 2 drink minimum which, at $4 per soda or water, means that you're paying $20 just to get in this place. The dances are $25, and they aren't worth more than half of that.

Dance Setup (0/10) - I was tempted to give them a negative score for dance setup, but I'll be generous and let them have a "0." There are just a few shitty chairs beside a bouncer, and there's no sort of partition between them. The chair area is only separated from the main stage area of the club by a lattice fence, so everyone can watch while you get a dance.

Club Setup (5.5/10) - It looks like they designed this place well but then just lost interest when it came time to execute it. There's a nice large stage with fancy overhead lighting, and the chairs are all comfortable. There just aren't enough tables, and the tables that they do have are all inexplicably crowded along the one wall, forcing anyone who wants a decent view of the one girl on stage to sit too close to each other.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) - For an alcohol-free club, the atmosphere here isn't too bad, but alcohol would be necessary to ever really enjoy this place. Also, you'd think that a club that can't serve alcohol would at least be well stocked with everything else, but this place doesn't have anything other than soda and bottled water.

Club Accessibility (3.5/5) - The neighborhood isn't great and you probably won't feel comfortable leaving your car here, but it's easily accessible from New Haven or I-95, and is just a few blocks away from the best pizza in New England.

Overall - I was hoping that this place would be decent as a pit stop for late night drives between NY and Boston, but with at least a $10 dollar cover and no energy drinks, that won't be happening. There's nothing specifically terrible about The Catwalk other than the dance setup, but they just don't do anything well and I'd recommend that you avoid it.