Monday, December 14, 2009

Nite Moves (Latham, NY)

(This review was written by Pussy Control)

Quality of dances (11/20) – Dances were pleasantly average with a good amount of contact. Two way contact was encouraged and the dancer’s contact was only blocked by a small scarf placed over the receiver's groin.

Quality of dancers (5.5/10) – There are a lot of upstate NY clubs with haggard older dancers, but the ones here were a nice group of younger white blondes/brunettes and some latinas who all worked the poll like pros. A couple of the girls brought this score down, one of which was in no shape to be taking any stitch of clothing off and the other being outright rude and refusing to accept any tips from certain patrons.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – For a Monday night, the rotation was higher than expected. Over 8 dancers and a couple more that seemed to stay occupied in the private couch rooms. Although the stage setup allowed for one dancer at a time, there were plenty of ladies mingling with patrons at the tables giving mini lap dances.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) - A couple of shockingly stunning beauties here, mostly just the pretty young types you would hope to be stripping for you. Age, ethnicity, and body types were well represented on this night shift.

Attitude of dancers (5/10) – This was going to be higher, but based on being snubbed by one dancer, I could not go higher than 5. Besides this one rotten apple, the rest of the dancers were friendly and cheerful. Their post-stage time sitting with patrons at the tables giving them extra special attention and not pressuring for private dances showed their willingness to make the experience enjoyable. They do expect a tip after each dance and will work extra hard for it.

Value (2.5/10) – The $10 cover and a two drink minimum within the juice bar drag down the rating. Best value is the 2 for $30 dances. Single dances are $25 so go for the 2x and you will be much better off. Later into the night the dj stopped advertising the 2 for $30 dances, but gave the 3 for $60 deal. Just be sure you ask for the 2 for $30 when purchasing your dance token.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – I haven't seen a better dance setup in a long time. Each private dance room is a bit bigger than a standard fitting room and includes a loveseat or large comfy chair. There is a small camera which is monitored by a somewhat distracted staffer who is also watching the stage and back parking lot while flirting with the bartender. Two way contact is blocked from the camera view by the dancer's body and handsy dancers take full advantage of the opportunity to turn you on.
(Editor’s note from Peter: Though the description of this dance setup seemingly warrants a score closer to 9.5, the camera sinks it.)

Club Setup (4/10) – This is a small gentlemen's club with a mini corner juice bar. The seating centers around the single stage with one dancer at a time; this encompasses about 20 seats. The tables are spotted around the rest of the space with some hi-tops against the walls. The dj is also the bouncer and is seated at the front with his computer and mic. Private dance rooms are in an L-shape down a side hall which does give the rest of the guests a view as to who is enjoying the dancers.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – For the location, the atmosphere was better then expected. Most of the guys were on their own, but a few duos occupied the back wall and one group of poker enthusiasts were dropping bills all over the stage. The music was a wide variety since dancers had their own pick lists that the dj pulled from. Unfortunately, any place that doesn’t serve booze gets no love from Peter Tips.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – At six miles outside Albany on Route 9, Nite Moves is just outside of reasonable cab range from the city.

Overall – Latham isn't exactly a destination city, but if you’re in the greater Albany area for business or pleasure, Nite Moves offers full nudity in an intimate setting and isn’t a bad place to kill a few hours.


Saturday, December 12, 2009

Hollywood (Southington, CT)

Quality of dances (9.5/20) – Experiences vary wildly from one girl to the next, but almost everyone engages in some solid grinding. A few of the girls are fairly active with their hands over the pants, but most just stick to giving friction with their knees or ass cracks. They don't seem to mind a hand on their legs, but you're too much in the open to do anything more than that.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – Quality control seems to be low as there are some girls here who have no business working at a strip club, but most of the girls range from 6s-8s.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – There are usually over a dozen girls working after 9pm, but before that, you're lucky to see more than 2 or 3. The club really needs to make the day and night shifts overlap so that it isn't completely dead around the time that most people would consider stopping by for an after-work beer.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4.5/5) – You'll find a good mix of black, white, and Latina dancers of various body types if you're here when there's a good number of dancers. Even when I've only seen 2 girls working, the 2 have always been of different ethnicities. They lose half a point for the lack of Asians, but that's a problem shared by just about every club in New England.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – The girls aren't bad once you get their attention, but when the club is slow, the girls don't seem interested in interacting with the customers at all. I've come in, had a beer and left all while the one dancer just sat on the stage and the other dancer sat and talked to the club manager. If they aren't going to have many girls working, the few who are there should at least be putting in some effort.

Value (3/10) – Drinks are $5, the cover is $7 in the evening (free during the day shift), and the dances are $25 each. I've been quoted $180 for the Champagne room, but I wasn't interested for any price, so I have no idea if that could be negotiated down. The stage action is fairly solid for the money.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – There's a 3.5 foot high wall and that separates the dance area from the rest of the club, but people walking by or sitting at the right angle can see right in, and the bouncer always has a clear view. There are strings of beads in front of the chairs, but they don't add any privacy. The chairs are basically a soft bench with arm rests separating one seat from the next, but they are fairly comfortable.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – This place looks somewhat classy inside, but there aren't enough tables and there are no dark corners where you can sit without feeling like everyone in the place could be watching you. There are some TVs around the walls and there's one TV showing a live video of the stage, but that's mostly pointless since the club is only one square room and you're never more than 20 feet from the stage. The bar and stage are both decent, but the lighting is so bright and the stage is in such a central location that you can't really sit there and stare without feeling creepy.

Club Atmosphere (5.5/10) – The club is in a safe location and you can feel comfortable here, but it feels more like a place to go for a quick visit than a place to hang out for an long period of time. The lack of girls during the day and early evening combined with the classier setup makes me think that they're going for a nighttime party vibe, but if that's the case, they haven't been entirely successful.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – It's not particularly close to any big attractions, but it's only a minute away from I-84 between Hartford and Waterbury.

Overall – This has become one of my go-to clubs recently, but that's more out of convenience than it is due to anything that Hollywood is doing right. I've had visits that made me swear I'd never go back, but memories of a few excellent trips and the accessibility keep bringing me back. I won't be visiting again at night because unpredictability and cover charges don't mix and I probably shouldn't visit during the day shift (which lasts until 7) because of the lack of girls, but I know that I will. I'd never make a special trip to come here, but as long as you tell yourself that you're just stopping for a drink and that anything else is a bonus, it isn't a terrible option for a quick visit to break up the commute.


Updated: August, 2010

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Temptations (Montreal, QC) CLOSED

Quality of dances (10/20) – You can feel up the dancers as much as you want, but most of the girls aren’t all that aggressive toward customers, at least until you’ve bought several dances in a row from the same girl. Extras did not seem to be available, but I woke up the next day with a stripper’s phone number in my wallet, so takeout may be an option. I can’t confirm this though, because I shockingly was sleeping alone and never tried to call the number.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – This club doesn't get as much traffic as a lot of the other nearby places, so the primary reason for girls to work here is if they aren't hot enough or fun enough to compete with the girls in the big clubs. Having said that, slightly below average for Montreal is still slightly above average.

Number of Dancers (4.5/10) – This is a small club that doesn’t have a ton of dancers, but there aren’t usually many customers either, so the ratio isn’t bad. I've never had a problem finding a girl to get a dance from within a minute of walking in.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Most of the girls here are Quebecois, but there are usually a few black dancers in the mix.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – I remembered these girls as being really friendly, but based on the fact that I started the night with enough money to go crazy at the clubs for the weekend and woke up with an empty wallet, I may have gotten hustled at some point while blackout drunk.

Value (3.5/10) – The girls aren’t hot enough to justify the $15 dances when there are better places right down the street and drinks are about standard for Montreal, but that’s still expensive. Also, there’s a cover charge that they won’t budge on it, even if the club is dead, which it often is.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – The dance booths are in the back of the club, out of view of the few customers who are sitting in the club. The booths are relatively large and are have a curtain across the opening. You can see through the curtain if you really look, but it does offer some decent privacy.

Club Setup (2.5/10) – The setup here is pretty much the same as all of the other clubs on this block. You walk up a narrow stairway to get to the second floor, where you'll find a narrow club with a fairly small stage. They have some tables and chairs, but it's somewhat cramped and way too bright.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – The first time I visited, I was too lazy/drunk to go to another club once I’d already paid the cover to get in, but the atmosphere was fairly poor. To avoid the main floor of the club, I just spent the entire time getting dances. In retrospect, dropping another $5 on a cover somewhere else would have been a few hundred dollars cheaper. I've checked back a few times while thinking more clearly, and the atmosphere is always about what you'd expect for a club with few customers, expensive drinks, and uncomfortable chairs. The dj usually does take requests though, so that at least makes it tolerable.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – The location is as good as you could ever ask for. It’s close to a ton of legitimate clubs, near several hotels, only a few blocks from the Centre Bell, and within a 2 minute walk of at least a half dozen other strip clubs.

Overall – In all but about 1 other city in North America, this would be a decent option, but there are just too many better clubs in Montreal for us to recommend it if either your time or your money is limited.


Sunday, October 18, 2009

Badda Bing! (Las Vegas, Nevada) - CLOSED

Before I starts this review, I'd like to recommend watching this YouTube clip from club owner Rick Belcastro. I have no affiliation with Badda Bing and have never met Belcastro, but I strongly agrees with many of the sentiments in the video and appreciate Belcastro's candor and big balls. I wishes that all club owners in Vegas would adopt a similar mentality.

Quality of dances (12.5/20) – I was pleased with the level of contact from dancers. I consistently scored full contact in both directions during standard dances and strongly suspect that private dances offer more. To be sure, few women will dig for your peter on the club floor, but that’s to be expected in an upscale joint like Badda Bing.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – In terms of dancer talent, Badda Bing hasn’t yet reached the level of its Vegas counterparts, but you certainly wouldn’t turn your nose up at them. Vegas is Vegas, so you’re bound to find at least a few women in your wheelhouse.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – Again, when compared to the rest of Vegas, Badda Bing is a little light on dancer numbers, but it’s solid when juxtaposed with the rest of North America. I saw at least a dozen dancers working on a relatively slow night.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – A little heavy on Caucasian women, which is to be expected. Plenty of body type variety. I found myself a curvy seductress while my friends hung out with her leaner peers. Could be better, but certainly could be worse.

Answer me this, please: Why does every Vegas club suffer from a serious dearth of Latina women? It’s in the southwest United States; clubs should be overflowing with beautiful senoritas. I don't get it.

Attitude of dancers (6.5/10) – Dancers were very friendly and chatty, if perhaps a little clingy. Most ran the slow game and it was nice to hang out and drink without immediately being hounded for a dance. This score may have been higher if my group hadn’t been on their way out just as they met the club’s coolest dancer.

Value (6/10) – $7 beers and $8 mixed drinks (which were pretty weak) aren’t awful prices for Vegas, but that shit adds up very quickly. Dance and stage value are about average. Of course, there’s no cover if you follow the Peter Tips Guide to Vegas, so that jumped the score above the mid-point.

Dance Setup (1/10) – Regular dances occur right on the floor, as is typical at many Vegas clubs. Readers of this site know that I have much higher standards than this.

Club Setup (7/10) – The club is relatively small, but there’s plenty of seating both near the stage and in more private corners, making it feel a little bigger than its square footage. Above the bar is a clear circular walkway upon which the women dance, a feature that I definitely appreciated. Don’t get me wrong; I consider it pretty creepy to sit at the bar and stare up at a woman’s nethers while enjoying a beer, but I appreciate Badda Bing’s originality and think the stage is aesthetically pleasing even without the dancers.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – Definitely a nice, chill vibe to this place. Great lighting, good music and not an asshole in sight. Anyone should feel comfortable here. I suspect that on busier nights, they fire it up in there, so you should tailor your visit times to your desired experience.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – It’s Vegas-accessible, meaning that you sure as shit aren’t gonna walk there, but it’s a short cab/limo from pretty much anywhere on the Strip.

Overall – Badda Bing was the most pleasant surprise of my recent jaunt to Vegas. Expecting a mediocre joint, I was treated to one of Vegas’s hidden gems. As this club evolves and fine-tunes its business, I imagine it will grow to be one of Vegas’s hot spots. The challenge for current club management will be to maintain Badda Bing’s intimate atmosphere and chill vibe as it grows more popular; it’s very easy for a sweet club to transform in to a douche factory staffed by hustlers (see Treasures over the last several years).


Sunday, August 16, 2009

DiCarlo's (Albany, NY)

Quality of dances (4/20) – Sadly, the dances at DiCarlo’s are pretty weak. Although there seems to be some wiggle room for regulars, the no-contact rules are largely enforced by dancers. I didn’t receive, nor did I witness, even a single knee or ass grind.

One interesting quirk (which provided nearly all the points for this score) is that dance prices basically operate on the honor system. When a dancer is finished with a song, she waits there and you can pay her whatever amount you like…literally any amount, including nothing. In fact, according to club rules, dancers aren’t even supposed to suggest prices. Objectively, these dances are worth no more than $5, but because I supports the industry, I recommend that patrons pay $10 per dance.

Quality of dancers (6.5/10) – For upstate New York, the women here are gorgeous. On an absolute scale, they fair poorer, but still hold their own. I'd be very surprised if a customer couldn’t find a girl to fall in love with at DiCarlo’s.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – Six dancers on a Sunday night is pretty solid for this relatively small club. From what I understand, they don’t ever get a huge number of dancers (15-20), but because I can’t imagine this place getting very packed, 10-12 should do an adequate job.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – Nary a Latina or black woman could be found amongst the blonde hair and blue eyes; an unfortunate lack of diversity. DiCarlo’s scores one point for some mild variance in body type.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – The dancers were nice enough, but none were particularly engaging. I would prefer to hear a little more game before being asked about getting a dance.

Value (4/10) – No cover before 7 PM and $5 afterwards. Miller Lites are the standard $5. A physical barrier between the stage and the floor nullifies any stage value. I'd like to say that the Name Your Price dances create significant value, but given their lack of quality, even bargain basement prices can’t save them.

Dance Setup (.5/10) – All dances take place directly on the floor of the club, usually in a shitty uncomfortable seat at one of the many tables. There’s one corner that provides the slightest bit of privacy when the club is empty, but it’s nothing to brag about.

Club Setup (4.5/10) – DiCarlo’s looks like a converted Italian restaurant, with several 4-6 person rectangular tables set up throughout the floor and a few booths near the entrance. Normally, that would be terrible, but they manage to do a decent job with what they’ve got. The stage, despite being physically blocked off from customers, is a nice design complete with a love seat and swing.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – The DJ is solid and the club has a reasonably classy feel to it. It would help if they replaced the furniture to better complement the stage and overall look of the club. They also desperately need to remove or correct the sign on the wall that reads Photo’s by “Isus” to describe a series of mounted pictures. I don’t even know where to get started with my criticism of that sign, so I'll let it speak for itself.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Located on Central Ave just a few miles outside of downtown Albany, DiCarlo’s is an easy cab ride from anywhere in the capital district.

Overall – I'd classify DiCarlo’s Lounge as a gentlemen’s club rather than a strip joint. During most hours, the women are there more as a backdrop than a main feature. That’s not necessarily a bad thing if you’re looking for a place to relax and enjoy a nice view, but club-goers shouldn’t go in expecting a rowdy time that may end up with them jizzing in their pants.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Mickey's Valley View Pub (Cumberland, RI)

Quality of dances (11/20) – The dances are fairly good by normal standards, but they fall far short of what you'll find at the other Rhode Island clubs. There is full two-way contact, but the girls don't place any particular emphasis below the waist.

Quality of dancers (0.5/10) – The girls here are terrible. If they aren't obese, they look like they're on meth. I didn't see anyone that I'd rate above a two.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – The quantity is slightly better than the quality, but neither is acceptable. There aren't many customers, so you won't have any problem getting a girl to talk to you, but I'm not sure why you'd want to.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – There was some variety of body types, but unless the only color you like is pasty white, you'll get bored quickly.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – The girls were fairly friendly, but this is a neighborhood type of place where you'll be largely ignored if you aren't a regular and aren't throwing around money.

Value (3.5/10) – The cans of beer are reasonable (I don't think they sell bottles) and the stage action is okay, but dances are way too expensive. Unless the girls were lying to me, the club gets $20 for each dance and then you're left to negotiate with the dancers to see what they're willing to accept. The going rate seems to be $10 to the dancer, which brings the total per song to $30. That's unacceptable even if the dances are amazing, and these dances aren't.

Dance Setup (5.5/10) – There's a row of decent sized booths along the one wall with sheer curtains that prevent other customers from seeing much of what you're doing, but the curtains face the main area of the club, so it still doesn't feel all that private.

Club Setup (2/10) – The bar takes up most of the club, and the bar top is wide so that it can double as the stage. There's a small stage in the one corner of the club, but it was empty while I was there. There were a few small tables and a pool table, but everyone seems to stay at the bar.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – This place has a relaxed atmosphere, but it isn't somewhere that I could see myself spending much time other than to get the occasional after work beer. While I was there, two customers were trying to buy crack from a dancer, and even though she didn't hook them up, it didn't seem to be all that out of the ordinary.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Mickey's isn't too far outside of Providence, but it isn't all that close either. It's in a strange residential neighborhood and a lot of the nearby streets are closed, so it's no easy to find if you don't know where you're going.

Overall – This wouldn't be a good club no matter where it was located, but for Rhode Island, it's terrible. Visiting Mickey's was one of the few times that I haven't enjoyed reviewing a club for this site. Knowing that I was spending time and money in this place when Club Fantasies and the Cadillac Lounge were only 20 minutes away was brutal. Assuming that you don't run a strip club review website, there's no reason to put yourself through that.


Ultra Violet (Willimantic, CT)

Quality of dances (14/20) – The dances here are very good, but I wasn't able to enjoy mine fully because the girl was dripping with sweat due to the barely functioning air conditioning. Still, full contact is allowed and encouraged in both directions. I suspect that minimal extras may be available, but I was too grossed out by the sweat to find out for sure.

Quality of dancers (2/10) – The girls that I saw weren't awful, but they weren't all that good either. There's some crossover between Ultra Violet and Electric Blue, but only the worst Blue girls seem to show up here.

Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – Apparently I caught them on an unusually slow night, but there's no excuse for ever just having 2 dancers working the evening shift.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – Both dancers that I saw were fairly plain white girls. The one had natural tits and the other did not, but that's not enough variety to warrant more than a point.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – One dancer was moderately friendly but the other completely ignored the four customers who were in the place. This seems to be the type of place where the girls are friendly with the regulars, but that didn't do me any good during my only visit.

Value (6/10) – There was no cover when I was there and beers aren't too bad at $4.75 per bottle. You get decent value for your dollar at the stage, and the $20 dances are fairly solid.

Dance Setup (5.5/10) – The dance room is mostly closed off from the rest of the club in the one corner, but the open door does allow a clear view of one of the chairs. There are no dividers within the room, but I assume that you'll usually be the only one getting a dance, so it's pretty solid. If the girl doesn't take you to one of the out-of-view chairs around the corner, I wouldn't bother going through with the dance.

Club Setup (2/10) – This is a tiny club with a small stage and uncomfortable chairs, but there's a decent bar in the center of the room with a row of TVs along the far wall.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – If they took away the women and lowered the drink prices, this place would be a solid dive bar, but as is, it's just a dumpy topless club with moderately priced drinks. The atmosphere seems to get better once you visit several times and build up a rapport with the dancers and bartenders, but I'm not sure what would possess anyone to visit enough times to allow that to happen.

Club Accessibility (.5/5) – Ultra Violet is on Main Street in Willimantic, but it isn't particularly close to anything.

Overall – My expectations were high since this place is owned by the same guy who owns Electric Blue, but I was disappointed in every way. I know there are people who like this place and I realize that I may have caught it on a bad night, but it was so bad that I can't imagine giving it another chance anytime soon. The dances here are decent, but if you're considering visiting Ultra Violet, just drive the extra 20 minutes to Electric Blue.


Playhouse Lounge (Burlington, NJ)

Quality of dances (19/20) – The dances are the only reason to come here, and they are great. Most of the girls won't bother with the $20 couch dances, but for $10 more, they'll be undoing your pants within seconds of the song starting. If you refuse their offers to give you a hand, they'll still give a great dance and do their best to finish you off with the friction, though they might complain that they "really want to touch it and feel the cum."

Quality of dancers (2/10) – The quality doesn't seem to be what it was a few years ago, and even though there are enough dancers that you should be able to find one or two hot ones, the majority are old, worn, and have fake tits. If the dancers could convince their daughters to start working here, I'm fairly certain that the quality would be much higher.

Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – There are a lot of dancers here, but only a few of them could rate above a three.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – The majority of women here are Latina, but there are also plenty of white women with a few random black and Asian dancers in the mix.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – If you're looking to have a long chat with a dancer, this isn't the place for it, but the girls do aim to please. When they come up to you at the bar, most of them don't ask if they can give you a dance; they ask if they can make you cum.

Value (3/10) – There's no cover in the afternoon and you can't tip at the stage, but the girls do the dreaded tip walk. They do at least give a little action for the tips, but a tip walk is a mood killer regardless. Couch dances are technically $20, but no one gets them and most girls don't even offer them, so you'll probably be paying $30 per dance for the "VIP" room. The dances are exactly 4 minutes long regardless of how long or short the songs are, and there's a dance security guard who calls out the number of dances so that you know you won't have to deal with girls miscounting. This is a BYOB place, so that increases the value if you plan accordingly.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The couches that no one ever uses are in back of club and can only be seen by the security guy, but the real dances are in decent sized private rooms with a couch and a latching door. There is a camera in there, but it doesn't seem like anyone is monitoring that, and if they are, they clearly don't care what happens.

Club Setup (2/10) – A large bar fills the club and barely leaves enough room for customers to walk to the dance rooms in the back. The stages are inside the bar area, but they're too far from the bar to allow for any interaction between customers and dancers. Since you can't tip at the stage, the setup indirectly encourages the tip walk.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place is a shitty topless dive bar that doesn't serve alcohol. The fact that they allow you to bring your own booze helps, but I still can't imagine that anyone has ever come here for any purpose other than to cum here.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – It's near a few other clubs, but it isn't all that close to anything else. From Philly, it's a little over a half hour drive.

Overall – This place is a dump, but the dances are great and it's the only permanent club (as opposed to the primarily black city clubs that change locations every few months) in the Philly area where the girls consistently aim to leave you fully satisfied. If you don't mind older dancers, you'll love this place. You'll still probably enjoy yourself even if you do prefer younger women, but you'll be ashamed when you're done.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

Scruples (Feasterville-Trevose, PA)

Quality of dances (N/R) – Sadly, this rating will have to be normalized because I was somehow unable to secure a dance at Scruples. To convey the absurdity of that result, a short description is necessary. I arrived at Scruples on a Sunday night around 11 PM with a group of five fun, attractive roller girls (one of whom was Pussy Control) and one other dude. After the group spent an hour at the stage (read bar; see below) drinking beers and tipping/chatting with dancers, the group decided to buy Pussy Control a couple of dances. Flashing a fistful of money, Pussy’s friend asked the hottest dancer if she’d come dance for Pussy when she got off stage. Her answer: “I don’t do lap dances. I only give private dances upstairs.” WTF?! Not deterred, Pussy’s friend moved to the next hottest dancer. Her answer: “I’m pretty tired and don’t really want to dance.” Are you fucking serious?! It’s like they hate money.

Now, while you digest that anecdote, it’s important to keep in mind a few things. One, this occurred almost two hours before closing time, so it’s not like either of these women could understandably be phoning it in for the night. Next, Pussy Control isn’t some creepy hosebeast. She’s the undisputed champion of charming the pants off of hot women; a total legend. And third, my group, and Pussy in particular, had an excellent rapport with both of the dancers in question. Their denials were inexcusable.

Beyond those two dancers, Pussy and I were unimpressed with the limited selection and unwilling to take one for the team, so no dance was had.

Quality of dancers (5.5/10) – This was definitely a pleasant surprise. One of the two dancers mentioned above was a knockout and the other wasn’t far behind. The problem, as is often the case, was a lack of consistency. The remaining two dancers crippled this score.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – Four dancers and about four times that many patrons on a Sunday night. It’s hard to shit on that ratio given that our crew made up half the clientele and Scruples isn’t exactly centrally located. Nevertheless, four dancers on a night shift is inherently weak sauce, so it can only score so high.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – A reasonable mix of body types, including some delightful lap-dance asses, but no ethnic variety. Any differences in skin tone were simply the result of white women in various states of tan.

Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – This was on its way to a mid-range score, but the story above from ‘Quality of Dances’ ensured that it could never crawl out of the bottom quartile. Also, a note to all dancers: It’s bad enough to talk about your kids, but to show pictures? Please, stop the madness.

Value (5.5/10) – “There’s never a cover at Scruples.” Those sweet words were music to my ears. Once inside, you’ll score “buckets of beer” for $5, which consist of five 8-ounce bottles of Corona/Bud Light/whatever. If we call that between three and four real beers, that’s a solid price. Beyond those perks, though, the value sucks. Stage action is particularly weak and is negatively compounded by the dreadful “tip walk” after each song.

Dance Setup (N/R) – See the explanation from ‘Quality of Dances’ above.

Club Setup (1/10) – Hard to conceive of a much worse setup. The “stages” are slightly-raised platforms outfitted with a pole that sit on the floor in the interior of an L-shaped bar. Bartenders literally have to walk around dancers to deliver drinks. Although the bar provides plenty of seating, its edges extend close enough to the wall that it’s difficult to move around the club. It’s almost certain that this used to be a pretty sweet dive bar and the owners tried to convert it to a strip joint simply by erecting a couple of poles.

Club Atmosphere (1.5/10) – For all the reasons outlined above, club atmosphere is very weak. I didn’t get a good vibe at all.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – At twenty miles outside of Philly, Scruples is far off the beaten path. So far, in fact, that the main thoroughfare in town is named Street Road. That’s right…Street Road. It only scores a one because it’s very close to the PA Turnpike and Route 1.

Overall – If you’re staying at the Crowne Plaza in Feasterville-Trevose and you’re looking for a cheap beer, then Scruples is your place. Otherwise, it’s probably not worth a visit. The one upside is that Scruples wins the award for most (unintentionally?) hilarious club name on the east coast.

TOTAL SCORE = 28 (normalized)

Friday, July 31, 2009

Sportsman's Inn (Providence, RI) - CLOSED

Note: This club closed in 2012, but I'll leave the review up as a history lesson for anyone who never got to experience Providence in all of its pre-2009 glory.

Quality of dances (15/20) – Everything is available, but most of the girls won't try to grind you to completion during the regular dances because that would hurt their extras business. Still, the lap dances are much better than at Cheaters, and there's plenty of contact in both directions.

Quality of dancers (2/10) – They have a few decent dancers, but these certainly are not Providence's finest. I wouln't even consider getting a dance from three-quarters of the girls in here.

Number of Dancers (4.5/10) – I've only been here during the day shift, but there have been significantly more dancers than customers each time I've visited. I can't give them too high of a score though, because most of those girls weren't even worth looking at.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – There was a good mix of black, white, and Latina dancers, which should let you know just how unattractive these girls were. For me to not find a Latina attractive, she has to be heinous.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – Maybe my expectations were lowered because of the atmosphere, but I actually found most of the dancers to be surprisingly pleasant. You're going to get some hustle-factor at any club that doubles as a whorehouse, but it's much less prevalent here than at Cheaters.

Value (5.5/10) – Dances are slightly overpriced with $5 going to club and $20 to the dancer, but you don't have to get a private room for extras, so you can save money there. Also, you can get dollar dances at the bar, and even though they aren't great, you can't complain for a dollar. Drinks are a fairly standard $4.

Dance Setup (9.5/10) – The dance setup is probably the best thing about the Sportsmans Inn. There are decent sized booths with a comfortable couch and an open door, but the door only faces at most one other booth. A guy takes your dance ticket when you walk downstairs, and he directs traffic to make sure that people aren't in opposing booths unless there aren't enough booths available to avoid it. So basically, you get a private dance booth for $5.

Club Setup (0.5/10) – This club is designed horribly. It's in a basement, and even though there's a pool table and a stage, everyone just congregates at the tiny bar, where there are only 5 or 6 pathetic little stools.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This is a good place to get your dick sucked, but other than that, I can't really see coming here. People have been murdered here in the past, and I'd be willing to bet they will be in the future.

Club Accessibility (5/5) – This club is in downtown Providence, right around the corner from the Satin Doll.

Overall – The Sportsman's Inn has a little bit of everything, but it isn't great at anything, which puts it in a tough spot in Providence. If you care about the "strip club aspects" of the club, you're better off at the Cadillac Lounge or Fantasies. If, on the other hand, you care about the "whorehouse aspects," then Cheaters is a better option, with far more fuckable girls. If you're looking for a mix of the two, I'd probably recommend splitting your night between two of the aforementioned clubs, but the Sportsman's Inn wouldn't be a bad option either.


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Kitten's (Salisbury, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – In my lengthy strip club career, I've walked out in the middle of exactly two dances. The first was during an epic night at another club when I had too much to drink and thought I was about to empty 15 beers and 3 Subway cookies on the back of a very attractive stripper. The second time was at Kitten's, but here, the only thing that made me want to vomit was the girl wiggling around on the floor in front of me. Even for air dances, these are bad.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – The girls vary from 2s to 8s, with most falling toward the bottom of that range. Still, there was one beautiful dancer and a few other acceptable girls working.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – This is a small club, so I don't expect them to have a ton of girls, but the girls that are working should at least be on the floor when they aren't dancing. On a Friday night, I saw more girls when the door to the dressing room swung open than I saw interacting with customers.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) - There's a wide range of black and white girls, but the lack of Latinas is a real shame. This club is no exception to the rule that the quality of dances is directly proportional to the number of Latina dancers that are working. Zero and zero.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – Most of the girls weren't too bad, but there's nothing worse than hearing a dancer who isn't earning tips say something along the lines of, "you guys here for a free show?" Also, the one shot-girl was really pushy and wouldn't take no for an answer, finally insisting that I buy her a shot if I wasn't going to buy one for myself.

Value (5.5/10) – The only good deal here is the beer. Normal beer starts at $4, but you can get 16 ounces of something that they call "Kittens Brew" for only $3. The stage value is poor, but you actually get more of a show there than you do during a $20 dance, because some of the girls here are legitimately skilled on the pole. The cover is $5 at all times.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – This was the brightest dance room that I've ever seen. All but the most shameless of strip club goers would be embarrassed to stare at a girl in this atmosphere, especially if anyone else is getting a dance at the same time. Plus, I doubt that a spotlight would be flattering even to the girls from a club like the Spearmint Rhino, but it's devastating to these girls. People in the rest of the club can't see you and there's no bouncer watching, but there are no partitions and there's at least one camera keeping tabs on the (lack of) action.

Club Setup (3/10) – There's a decent stage and a separate shower stage, but the bar is fairly small and there aren't many tables. There's a separate game room with pool tables in the back, but it was empty when I was there.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – This is more of a dive bar than a gentleman's club, and it wouldn't be a bad place to hang out it it weren't for the dancers and the shot girl constantly harassing you for money.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – This place is in the middle of nowhere, and I really can't see any situation that would justify driving here.

Overall – When $3 mystery beer is the highlight of a club, that's a problem. I really tried to like this place, just because I didn't want to rate a place called "Kitten's" worse than I rated "The Golden Banana," but they left me with no choice. This place sucks.


Tuesday, July 14, 2009

DB's Golden Banana (Peabody, MA)

Quality of dances (1.5/20) – The dances here are slightly less terrible than down the street at the Cabaret Lounge, but they're still among the worst in the state. If you're lucky, the girl might bump into your leg, but that's about as good as it gets here.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – Most of the girls here have good bodies but worn faces, but it's dark enough that it's hard to complain unless you're within a few feet of the them. If you do come here, I recommend that you just watch the stage from the bar or a distant table.

Number of Dancers (3.5/10) – There weren't many girls here when I visited on a Friday evening, but the club was dead so the ratio wasn't too bad. I actually wish there had been fewer girls so that I wouldn't have had to see any of them up close.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – The majority of the girls here are white, though the evening shift is usually slightly more colorful.

Attitude of dancers (3.5/10) – The girls were nice enough to talk to, but when one guy started throwing around money, they ignored everyone else. I saw one dancer spend her entire four song set with the guy even though she was the only one on stage and other guys had money on the rail.

Value (2/10) – Nothing is ridiculously priced, but everything is a few dollars more than it should be. There's always a cover change that ranges from $5-15, depending on the time and day. The cheapest beers will run you $6.50 and anything that you spend at the stage will be a waste. The value is helped somewhat by the availability of $10 dances at your table, but the real dances are $20, and both options are overpriced.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – The dance room has the typical Massachusetts non-partitioned bench seating setup, but at least most of the room is out of the view of the rest of the club. Still, a bouncer sits right outside of the room watching most of the time, and the setup would be terrible if 2 or more people were getting dances at the same time.

Club Setup (6/10) – This is a large club with a long bar, a decent stage, and plenty of tables. They have so much space that they should have been able to do something more interesting than just having dozens of small tables throughout the club, but it's so rare to find ample seating in Massachusetts that I can't complain about that too much.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – This place is full of stuffy old white guys. If there's one guy in a club with his Bluetooth earpiece blinking, I blame the guy; if there's more than one, as there was here, I blame the club. They do have several TVs, but they're all fairly small, and this would be a terrible place to watch a game anyway.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – You'll have to drive to get here, but there are a few cheap motels in the area where you can crash if you feel like going wild.

Overall – If you care about the quality of girls more than the atmosphere, this is a better option that the Cabaret Lounge down the street, but if you have any self-control at all, you're better off avoiding both of them.


Saturday, July 11, 2009

Cabaret Lounge (Peabody, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – The dances here are as bad as you'll ever get anywhere. I'd have given them a half a point because the dances are nude and the girl did bump into my knee at one point, but it was so bright that it was awkward to even look at the girl.

Quality of dancers (4/10) – The dancers here are the definition of mediocre. You won't find any monsters, but you won't find anyone great either. They're slightly better down the street at the Golden Banana, but a big part of the perceived difference is that Cabaret is so bright that you see a lot more of the flaws.

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – The dancer/customer ratio here was probably about as bad as I've seen. Unless a tour bus just stopped by, there's no excuse for having 3 girls on the floor when there are 30 guys in the club.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – There's some variety in body type, but you're probably better off going elsewhere if you aren't into tattooed white women.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – The girls here are fairly relaxed and don't mind spending a little time with customers even if the customers aren't dropping much cash on them. This is generally a good thing, but can be a little frustrating if you are among the 90% of guys in the club who aren't already talking to a girl.

Value (3.5/10) – You can get a 32 ounce pitcher of beer for $9, but a single bottle will run you a ridiculous $7. The dances are $20 and aren't worth any more than you'd be willing to tip at the stage, and the stage action is fairly weak. The only thing that they get any credit for is having no cover until 7, but it's $10 after that on weekends.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – A bouncer will be watching while you get your dance, and everyone at the stage and part of the bar can as well if they want to. Also, it's brighter in the dance area than it is outside on a sunny day.

Club Setup (6.5/10) – This isn't a huge club, but there's a decent stage, a large bar, and a fair amount of chairs. It's too bright throughout the club, but overall, the setup is pretty solid.

Club Atmosphere (7/10) – The atmosphere in here is fairly relaxed and makes you think that the drinks will be cheaper and the dances will be better than they actually are.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – You'll have to drive to get here, but at least it's within a half mile of DB's Golden Banana, so it won't be a completely wasted trip if you don't like anyone that you see. Also, there's a hotel across the street that advertises "Free Adult Movies," so you should be set if you find a girl who is willing to take her services off site.

Overall – The atmosphere makes this a better option than the Golden Banana, but unless you're desperate and trapped in Peabody, I wouldn't recommend either of them.


Saturday, June 27, 2009

Massachusetts and New Hampshire Strip Club Map

Red = Excellent club

Orange = Very good club

Yellow = Solid but flawed club that may be worth a visit depending on what you're looking for

Green = Fairly poor club that has a few things going for it

Blue = Only consider this club if you're desperate

Purple = Not worth your time or your money under any circumstances

Colorless Lady = Sadly, we haven't had the chance to visit yet

View Massachusetts Strip Club Map in a larger map

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Zachary's Pub (Mashpee, MA)

Quality of dances (3/20) – You know what to expect from the minute you walk into the place, as the dj's most frequent line is, "Now's a great time to get a dance from one of our lovely ladies. Just as a reminder, in compliance with Massachusetts state law, contact with the dancers is strictly prohibited." The club was too bright and too wide open for me to bother trying anything, but according to the girls, the rules are uniformly enforced. The dancer did make some contact with me, but even that was fairly limited.

Quality of dancers (3/10) – There really aren't many terrible girls here, but there aren't any that would be above average at a respectable club either.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – According to the dry erase board at the entrance, 5 girls were working the evening I was there, but I didn't even see that many.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – Unsurprisingly, most of the girls here are white. I did see one Asian or Latina girl during my visit.

Attitude of dancers (5/10) – The girls didn't look any happier to be here than I was, but when they got on stage, the attitudes were great. For a buck or two (usually 2 since the club gives $2 bills as change), the one dancer walked off the stage and gave short versions of her lap dance. I wish I'd known that before I bought a dance from her, but I liked the effort nonetheless.

Value (4/10) – The cover ($8 when I was there, but different by the hour) and the dances ($20) were way too high, but I can't complain about $3 drafts and solid stage shows. Just as a warning though, the stage value varied wildly from one girl to the next.

Dance Setup (0.5/10) – This is about as bad of a dance setup as I've ever seen. You sit along the one wall, but it's right in the middle of the brightly lit club, within sight of the dj who keeps making announcements about the state ban on contact. They get half a point because there was a lit fireplace beside the dances, but I'm probably being too generous with that.

Club Setup (1.5/10) – The inside isn't any better than the outside. The stage is terrible, the seats are uncomfortable, and the club is comically oversized for the number of girls and patrons.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – I can't imagine ever having a good time here, but due to the reasonable beer prices, it might not be a terrible option for an after work beer if you're a local.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – There's a motel/apartments above the club, but other than that, this place is in the middle of nowhere.

Overall – The picture and the dance description tell you all that you need to know.


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

King's Inn (North Dartmouth, MA)

Quality of dances (7/20) – These dances are limited contact for the most part, though the regulars seemed to have slightly more luck than I did. As far as limited contact dances go, these are pretty solid with a fair amount of friction. The girls make a lot of promises of fun to be had in the champagne room, but the prices that I was hearing were way too high for this quality of girl.

Quality of dancers (2.5/10) – The girls here ranged from slightly above average to atrocious. Most of the them are very plain and either are obese have horrible boob jobs.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – This is a small club with a few dancers, but it doesn't seem to get very busy, so you'll get more more than enough face time with the girls.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – I'm willing to compromise a little on quality if a club throws in some variety, but the girls here were almost exclusively white.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – Nearly everyone is friendly and it doesn't seem like they usually make much money, so they appreciate anything that you give them. The girls don't look happy when they're on the "stage," but I can't really blame them for that.

Value (3/10) – Dances are a terrible value at $25, beers are $5.75 each, the stage value is non-existent, and you need a spreadsheet to figure out the cover charge. Every day is different, but just as an example, on Fridays it's $3 before 6pm, $5 from 6-7, $10 from 7-midnight, and $20 from midnight-2am.

Dance Setup (2/10) – The dance room has bench seating and no partitions, and the bouncer has a clear view of everything.

Club Setup (1.5/10) – There are some cramped tables, a fairly small bar, and a pool table in here, but the main attraction is the "stage." It's just a section of the floor that's separated from the rest of the club by waist-level wooden livestock fencing. Seeing a pig of a woman jiggling around inside that pen was one of the saddest things I've ever seen.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This might not be a terrible place to stop for a beer, but I can't see anyone wanting to stay much longer than that.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – King's Inn isn't particularly close to anything worthwhile, but it isn't too far from New Bedford and they have plenty of parking.

Overall – This is the type of club that must survive by being a crime of convenience for locals, but it isn't even good enough to justify that. As with any club that I review that scores below a 35, I have to strongly discourage you from visiting.


Temptation Gentlemen's Club (New Bedford, MA)

Note: This review is based on a visit that took place while this was still the Foxy Lady Southcoast. I don't know if the ownership has changed, or if the name change is just an attempt to put the 2006 shooting behind it, but you should take this review with a grain of salt until I get a chance to make another visit.

Quality of dances (10.5/20) – The club has a strict no touching policy, but most of the girls don't enforce it as long as you aren't too aggressive. The dances were well above average for Massachusetts, and even though no special attention was paid to my tip, the girls weren't shy about letting their hands graze it over the pants.

Quality of dancers (6.5/10) – There aren't a lot of amazing women here, but there aren't many bad ones either. Almost all of them would rate in the 6-8 range.

Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – Regardless of the number of customers, a club that's this large needs to have a lot of dancers to look respectable, and this place doesn't. I give them a little credit for not padding their stats with sub-par girls, but there needs to be more than a half-dozen girls on the evening shift.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – I couldn't give them a perfect score due to the small sample size, but they came close with black, white, and Latina dancers and an Asian massage girl.

Attitude of dancers (3.5/10) – The girls seem appreciative if you sit at the stage and they're nice enough when you get dances, but they don't interact with customers very much the rest of the time.

Value (3.5/10) – The cover is a little high and varies from $7-10 depending on the night, drinks are $5, and the dances are $25. I'd probably take these dances for $25 over the average Massachusetts dance for $20, but either is too much to pay.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – The seats aren't comfortable, but the booths are large and you're sitting around the corner from the entrance to the booth, so only people walking by in the one direction can see you. Since the bouncer doesn't walk by, this makes for one of the better dance setups in the Bay State.

Club Setup (3.5/10) – The main stage is decent, there are two fairly nice bars, and the shower in the corner looks promising, but because of all the empty space, this still looks like a warehouse that was turned into a strip club. There are some tables, but they're all clustered together and aren't that large or comfortable.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place still has scars from the rampage that happened here a few years ago. Most clubs have had some problems with violence, and sadly a murder isn't all that uncommon, but having a masked gunman with a semi-automatic weapon killing 2 people, shooting cops, then killing himself is a whole different level of fucked up. I understand and appreciate the lengths that they go to to make customers feel safe, but it's so extreme that it's a constant reminder of the tragedy. You get wanded when you show up, but if you have to put your cell phone back in your car (which they make you do, even though there are no clocks in the club), they'll watch as you put it away and still wand you again. Once you're in the club, you can't go outside for any reason and come back the same night, even if you pay the cover charge again. I feel bad giving them such a low score for this, because they do make an effort with massage girls and decent music, but I think it will take either a very long time or a new location for the atmosphere to ever be decent here.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Foxy Lady Southcoast is on Popes Island, which makes it very accessible from downtown New Bedford. Unfortunately, New Bedford isn't all that accessable to anywhere else.

Overall – The quality of dances give this place a slight edge over the Foxy Lady's Brockton location, but the atmophere and the relative proximity to Rhode Island are just too much to allow me to recommend it.


Monday, June 22, 2009

Playground Lounge (Atlantic City, NJ)

Quality of Dances (7.5/20) – Solid one-way contact, and most girls allow light contact on them, but this score suffers from the fact that dancers never take their tops off. As with most Atlantic City clubs, you shouldn’t carry high expectations.

Quality of Dancers (3/10) – Nobody was a knockout, and being that there are only a handful of clubs in AC (and a shitload of hot women within 50 miles), you'd think there would be a better selection.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – There was a rotation of three girls on the stage and one who couldn’t be torn from the arms of her sugar daddy at the bar. For 2 AM, I expected much more.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (2/5) – Though there were only really three dancers there, there was one white girl, one black girl, and one [insert Spanish speaking country here] girl.

Attitude of Dancers (7/10) – Despite every patron looking like they wanted to drown themselves in their own misery, the girls were having a great time. It always helps that my crew is friendly and forthcoming to all dancers, but these girls were enjoying life.

Value (2/10) – The cover is $10, and beers are $6. However, no dancers really walking around hurts the overall value and the stage value outlined below kills it.

Dance Setup (5/10) – Dances are in a separate room at the back of the club. It’s pretty private and has a couple of comfy chairs, but the bouncer can sneak a peak at will. Not the worst, but certainly not the best.

Club Setup (2/10) – This place is a dive bar that isn't making much effort to look like a strip club. The "stage" is inside of the bar area, so stage value is almost non-existent. And the only place worth sitting at is the bar, so forget going with a group unless you don't feel like interacting with any of them.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – If you're here with at least 3-4 friends and know my secret, you can have some real fun. Due to the fact that the stage is not reachable, you either have to give a dollar to the bartender to give to the girl (ridiculous), or you can play a game I affectionately call "shooting hoops." Shooting hoops is when you crumple up your dollar and motion for the dancer to open the front of her G-string so you can shoot your dollar into it. The girls love this like it's a Christmas bonus and the bartenders just laugh in amazement. I'm still working on getting a prize for getting it in the hoop but no dice yet. I'm also quite sure that when there aren't any drunken groups at the Playground, it closely resembles Moe's Tavern.

Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – Right in the middle of AC, walking distance from most hotels and an easy cab ride from anywhere downtown.

Overall – This is arguably the second best club in AC, but that distinction is meaningless in a city that desperately lacks quality joints. If you're drunk, won some money gambling, and it's 3am, this is the place for you. Otherwise, it's kind of depressing, as is the fact that you can throw a rock in every direction and hit a "cash for gold" store every time.

RAW SCORE = 39.5

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Blue Moon Lounge (Tyngsboro, MA)

Quality of dances (0/20) – That’s not a misprint, my friends; this club actually managed to post a goose egg for dance quality. Technically, the rule in Massachusetts is that there be no contact between dancers and customers, but I had never seen that rule strictly enforced...until I got to the Blue Moon Lounge. My dance involved literally zero contact in either direction. Instead, the dancer stood perhaps three feet away and lethargically moved about while stripping. It was hardly different than sitting at the stage. While in the dance room, I also witnessed another dance, and it was the same deal. Yikes.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – Face-wise, the women were largely beautiful, but a few sets of torpedo tits and one mediocre cougar hurt this score. The group was highlighted by a total stunner who was christened The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish.

Number of dancers (4/10) – The mid-afternoon shift featured four dancers, which wasn’t terrible, but from talks with the DJ, the club never gets more than ten girls at night. Given the crowds that Blue Moon can draw, the ratio is definitely unfavorable.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – Mostly skinny white women, with the one darker-skinned dancer noted above.

Attitude of Dancers (3/10) – Getting a dancer to come over was like pulling teeth at this place. Yes, it’s the day shift, and they need to work their regulars, but three dudes who arrived at the club’s opening bell and started drinking immediately shouldn’t ever be ignored for over an hour. When I did finally grab a dancer, her negative attitude was a serious downer.

Value (3/10) – From the outside, you’d think this place would present some solid value, but no dice. No cover before 6 PM and $5 after that. Mixed drinks are $6.50 and beers are now $5. They were previously $6.50 as well, so it's nice to see a club drop its prices for a change, but that's still a little on the high side for a a club in the middle of nowhere. Stage value is below average and dance value is God-awful. Very disappointing.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – Almost as bad as it gets. Dances are in a separate room, but that room sits directly adjacent to the satellite stage and isn’t walled off from the club. Patrons can simultaneously be entertained by the dancer on stage and the pained expression on your face as you receive the worst lap dance of your life. It’s criminal.

Club Setup (4/10) – I liked the two stages (even if one wasn’t being used during the day) and the raised seating on the back end of the bar, but most of the standard club seating was awkward. Seats are lined up in parallel rows facing the two stages, making it seem like you’ll be watching a fifth grade assembly rather than a woman defrocking for cash. I can’t imagine how ridiculous it looks with those seats completely filled. Even if you’re lucky enough to get one of the handful of tables, they’re almost too small to be functional and they’re spaced too close to be comfortable.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – You wouldn’t expect it from the exterior, but this place has a pretty good vibe. The lighting was nice, the DJ was responsive to requests, and the details have the requisite tackiness while still maintaining some class. On this particular day, it was filled with a large group of disrespectful shitsticks (who all work a profession for which I have little respect), but I'm told that the regular crowd tends to be pretty laid back. If the Lounge didn’t fail miserably in many other categories, I would definitely hang out here.

Club Accessibility (.5/5) – The Blue Moon Lounge is about as inaccessible as a club can be. It sits so far north in Massachusetts that if you’re long, you could hit driver->3-wood and then have an easy 7-iron to the New Hampshire border. That it’s relatively close to Route 3 and I-93 does virtually nothing to save this rating.

Overall – Not only is this club not worth your trip, it’s not even worth a stop if you’re passing by (although it’s hard to imagine why you would be). If they ever lower their drink prices and reform their dance rules, we’ll re-evaluate. Until then, the Blue Moon Lounge is crap in a hat.


Update: This club is now called "The Club." According to a comment below, it has changed significantly since my review, but I haven't had a chance to confirm that yet. If you've tried it recently, let me know what you thought.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Foxy Lady Brockton (Brockton, MA)

Quality of dances (4/20) – Don’t be confused by the girls telling you that “You can touch upstairs, but not downstairs.” As Zo found out, they don’t mean that you can touch the tits but not the puss. Sadly, they’re being literal - you’ll get a worthwhile dance in the VIP rooms upstairs if you’re willing to blow some serious cash, but you won’t get any 2-way action during the regular dances downstairs. These aren’t air dances, but they aren’t a whole lot better.

Quality of dancers (8/10) – There are some stunning women here, but there are also a few that have passed their prime. Overall, my biggest complaint about the women is that there are a few too many implants, but there are still plenty of natural girls working on any given night.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – If all of the girls who are working were actually circulating the club, this could be an 8 or a 9, but most of the dancers only leave the dressing room during the 2-for-1 special lineups. Still, there’s usually a girl on both stages and several dancers and massage girls working the crowd.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2/5) – There seems to be more variety among the massage girls than with the dancers, but there is still a good variation of body types and ages among the mostly-white dancers.

Attitude of dancers (4.5/10) – Because there are so many dancers, you’re certain to meet a few friendly ones on almost every visit. For the same reason, you’re also certain to meet a few who think they’re god’s gift to men. We’d bump them up a few points if the girls came out of the dressing room more often, but the fact that they stay back there shows that they aren’t particularly interested in interacting with the guests.

Value (3/10) – It will set you back $6 to get in during the day and $12 at night, and drinks start at $6. The dances are $20, but no one pays that since they’re just waiting for the “2-for-1s,” which are actually 2 dances and a Boston sports team t-shirt for $30. Sometimes they throw in free admission coupons, but they’re only good for a few days, so that isn’t a huge help unless you’re a regular. If you’re not a fan of Boston sports (or you just don’t want a cheap t-shirt), you can follow Zo’s lead and sell the shirts on e-Bay for around $5, making the dances effectively 2 for $25.

Dance Setup (1.5/10) – You go down a few steps from the main area of the club to get dances under the stage, but there are no partitions and no privacy. Everyone gets dances when they do two-for-ones, so the area gets packed and you’ll be sitting beside 2 guys and looking right at a few more.

Club Setup (7.5/10) – The club could use a few dark corners, but other than that, the setup is excellent. There’s plenty of seating at the two stages, the bar’s fairly large, and there are more than enough tables to accommodate groups. This score would have been even higher but for the fact that the stages don't have poles, which struck me as a little strange.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – Foxy Lady is definitely more gentlemen’s club than titty bar, and it has all the good and the bad that comes along with that. It’s not a great place to stop for a beer or a dance, but it’s not bad if you’re looking to relax and take in the sights for a little while. Also, there are always several massage girls working, and they're usually as hot as any of the dancers.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – They get points for having plenty of parking in what feels like a safe area, but it’s not particularly close to anything. When your best justification for visiting a club is that it’s sortof on the way back from Wal-Mart, that isn’t a good thing.

Overall – This is one of the “classiest” clubs in the state, but as with the other Massachusetts clubs that have invested any cash in their establishments, they aren’t willing to risk their license by making their dances worthwhile. Even with the bad dances, this is probably the best safe strip club in the greater Boston area. Overall, I’d say the Foxy Lady Brockton is worth going to if you don’t care about dances, but it probably isn’t worth it if looking isn’t enough for you.


Friday, June 19, 2009

Platinum Premier (Worcester, MA) - CLOSED

Quality of dances (4/20) – If lap dances are as important to you as they are to us, don’t bother coming to Platinum Premier. There’s 1-way contact, but even that isn’t very aggressive. A bouncer stares at you while you’re getting a dance, so even in the unlikely scenario that you find a cool dancer, you still won’t be getting away with anything.

Quality of dancers (7/10) – There were a few very hot young dancers, but even though the quality is fairly good overall, it isn’t up to the level that you’d expect for a place that looks this nice.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Hurricane Betty’s is a hole in the wall club just down the street from here, and it had significantly more dancers than Platinum Premier. A club that’s this big should have several girls on stage and several talking to customers, but they did not.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – There’s some variation in body type and age, but you’re going to find mostly white girls in here.

Attitude of dancers (2/10) – The nice building gives these girls the idea that they’re special for working here, and most of them act like it. You’d think that the dancers would be happy that I’m giving them $25 to do not much of anything, but the one girl basically called me cheap because I wouldn’t pay double for her and her roommate to dance for me at the same time. I’ll admit that I was intrigued, but I’m never going to pay $50 for a dance, especially if it’s not full contact.

Value (2/10) – The cover is $6, presumably to prove that they’re more exclusive than all the other clubs that only charge $5 to get in. Drinks are another $5, and the dances are $25. You can throw dollars on the stage, but the girls pay much more attention to the pole than they do to the customers.

Dance Setup (3/10) – The benches are decent and most of the customers can’t see you, but those are the only positives of the dance setup. There are no partitions and there’s a bouncer standing right beside the dance area who watches all the lack of action.

Club Setup (5.5/10) – This is one of the nicer strip club buildings that I’ve been to, but they don’t even come close to maximizing the potential of the space. They have enough room for a lot of decent sized tables in the stage room, but instead, they just have rows of 2-person tables lined up against each other, making it more like a movie theater than a gentleman’s club. The bar is in another room, out of view of the main stage. There’s a smaller stage near the bar, but no one was on it when I was there.

Club Atmosphere (2.5/10) – Even though this is a nude club, it’s very sterile, and seems more like a trendy steakhouse than a strip club. This wouldn’t be my top choice for a place to get dinner, but I’d be much more likely to come here to eat than I would be to come for a beer.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Platinum Premier is right down the road from Hurricane Betty’s and Holy Cross, and they have a large, fairly secure parking lot.

Overall – If you’re looking to take your girl to a club to show her that strip clubs aren’t seedy and that she wouldn’t object to anything that strippers will do to a guy, this might be a decent place to take her; otherwise, I’d avoid Platinum Premier.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Club Alex's (Stoughton, MA)

Quality of dances (6.5/20) – It seems like fun could be had in the champagne room, but the regular dances here are fairly disappointing. The dancers make decent contact with you, but the only person that you’ll be touching is the dude who’s getting a dance next to you.

Quality of dancers (7.5/10) – Two of the hottest strippers that I’ve ever seen work here, but most of the girls are in the 6-7.5 range. There are a few women that I wouldn’t even consider getting a dance from, but everyone is worth a buck or two when they do the dollar dances.

Number of Dancers (7.5/10) – Considering the size of this club, there are a ton of dancers. If you want a dance, you won’t have to wait for long at all.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3/5) – I’d love to see some black dancers here, but there’s a good mix of white and Latina dancers. Strip club veterans already probably assume this, but if you’re going to get a dance, go for the Latinas, especially the Brazilians.

Attitude of dancers (4.5/10) – Most of the girls aren’t particularly chatty, but they’ll see if you want a dance, and they don’t give much attitude if you don’t. Only one of the dancers was overly pushy about the VIP room.

Value (4/10) –The cover is $3 in the afternoons and $10 at night, and drinks are $6. Some of the girls have decent pole moves on the stage, but their interaction with people who are giving tips is pretty poor. The dances are overpriced, but the dollar “dances” improve the value if you’re there at the right time. Every so often, the dj announces that the girls will be giving dollar dances for the next 3 songs, then all the girls go around and basically give 30 second samples of their dances at the tables. The dollar dances are too short to have much fun, but it’s a good opportunity to see who’ll give a good dance without wasting $20 to find out.

Dance Setup (0/10) – There’s an area toward the back wall where the tables are designated for lap dances. You have to sit in the same uncomfortable chairs that they have throughout the club, and you’ll probably be bumping knees with at least one other guy the whole time.

Club Setup (2/10) – The building is fairly nice and they get some credit for having a shower on the stage, but the club is way too cramped and the setup along the stage is terrible. The stage isn’t much above floor level and there are benches in a dugout area beside it. To make matters worse, there’s enough space between the bench and the stage so that other guys can walk by, so you aren’t close enough to the stage to get any action.

Club Atmosphere (5/10) – The atmosphere isn’t bad, but this is an 18 and over club and the crowd is very young.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – Alex’s is about half way between Boston and Providence, but it isn’t really close to anything.

Overall –A few of the dancers were hot enough to make me consider going back, but I'm all about the dances, and Alex’s just doesn’t have good enough dances to justify driving to Stoughton. If you’re going to drive this far, you might as well go the extra half hour to Rhode Island.


Gold Club (Bedford, NH)

Note: This review was based on a visit that took place while this was still Mark's Showplace. Some things may have changed since then, but based on comments from my readers, the dances aren't much better than they've ever been.

Quality of dances (1/20) – This category needs a lengthy explanation, because the club is great but the dances are among the worst I've ever had. In New Hampshire apparently it's state law to wear lame ass pasties over nipples, and there is absolutely no contact. One of the girls I talked to rolled her eyes sarcastically when she told me that, and unfortunately I wasn't smart enough to get a dance from her. I fell in love with a gorgeous young blonde who I'm sure would give a great dance in another state, and she appeared to try to cheat the rule as much as possible, but that is completely irrelevant to me. The only good thing is that the dance area is walled off from the rest of the club for good privacy, but what does it matter that no one can see a girl dancing 3 feet away from you.

Quality of dancers (8/10) – Every single dancer there was at least a 6, and a few were in the 8-9 range. No fatties, grandmas, or fakes. They all had very sexy outfits on as well.

Number of Dancers (9/10) – On a Monday afternoon there were 6 dancers, all out and about. I was told that, on Tuesday nights when it's a $2 cover and $2 drinks, they get 30+ dancers. Clearly I'll have to revisit the club on a Tuesday for, ahem, fact checking.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Though mostly white girls, there were a variety of body types and styles, and no fake tits. One Latina helped a little, but only a little.

Attitude of dancers (5.5/10) – After two girls ignored me walking by several times, a seasoned veteran came to sit down and invited her friend to hang out. They told us a few lame jokes and laughed at my awesome joke, and never pressured us about getting a dance. They didn't even get terribly upset when I went to get a dance from the hot blonde calling my name.

Value (5.5/10) – The cover is always $5, except on Tuesday it's $2 with $2 drinks. Monday has $1 Miller High Lifes, and $1 wing plate with french fries. Not much could be a better deal. Dances, however, at $20 are about $17 more than they should be for what you get. Stage value is terrible as well because of the no contact rule, and if you go up empty handed, you get what you pay for. (note: according to some readers who have visited more recently than I have, most or all of these prices have gone up since the Gold Club took over)

Dance Setup (2/10) – There's a room in the back end of the club that is 3/4 walled off and very large which is nice, but then there are uncomfortable old benches all along the walls, so everyone is watching everyone else's dance. There are also no partitions anywhere so you better hope Larry Craig isn't sliding his foot over even a little bit.

Club Setup (9/10) – One main stage, and two smaller stages spread almost equidistant so that when it's very busy you never have to look far for someone up there. Chairs/tables are very comfortable and spaced apart so you never feel cramped. There are two dark corners to hide out if you so choose, three large screen TV's with ESPN on, and the bar is a good size and never cramps anyone sitting nearby.

Club Atmosphere (9/10) – The feel of this club is that of a slightly upscale restaurant while still pulling off the casual relaxing pub type atmosphere, with lots of titties roaming around. A very difficult task to accomplish, but they pull it off. Hopefully next time I go back I'll see the shower show that received rave reviews from another patron.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – Roughly 5 miles from route 93, It's still pretty far from any real civilization. What can ya do, it's New Hampsha. Still, there is a hotel less than a mile away, so bachelor party possibilities linger in my mind. If you are going to go out of your way to get here though, just make sure that they're open, because, as I found out the hard way, they've got some strange hours of operation.

Overall – If you're in the area, stopping by is a must. Unfortunately, unless you are a hippie or are on your way between Boston and Canada on business, you'll never be in the area. Thankfully this place is worth a visit on the right nights to rip it up hard and crash at a hotel nearby. Just don't get your hopes up for dances, and forget about extras, as the manager banned girls making out during the shower show because it was "too sexual."


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Hurricane Betty's (Worcester, MA)

Quality of dances (8/20) – The dances are nude, and even though some of the girls allow 2-way contact, most do not. Also, the bouncer checks in during the dance to make sure that you aren't having any fun. Extras would not be possible here due to the set up, but one of the dancers hinted that she's available outside of the club. Another dancer called her a "dirty hoe," but I'll take a dirty hoe over a prude any day.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – I have not seen any total stunners, but a few come close and help the score.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – The rotation was pretty solid, but there was only 1 girl on stage and 1 or 2 girls circulating most of the time during my day shift visit. There were several more girls in the dressing room, but they only came out when they were on stage. On a few packed Thursday nights, however, there were at least 15-18 girls in this small but cozy club. Props to the owner for rounding up the women.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – The variety of dancers is probably the best thing about this club. It was about an even split between white, black, and Latina dancers, and there was even one older Asian during the day shift. Since returning, I did not see any Asians, blacks, and only 1 Latina. The diversity among white girls (thick/thin/big tits/little tits/tan/blonde/brunette) is pretty amazing. The only thing missing was a fire bush.

Attitude of dancers (6/10) – Most of the dancers look happy to be there, but a few of the girls are almost too friendly. One dancer wouldn't get off my lap even though I wasn't buying her drinks or tipping her, to the point where I couldn't go to the stage or get dances from anyone else. She was giving me more action for free at the table than I got during the dances, although that still isn't saying much. The ratio of dancers who give the always dreaded, "hi, wanna dance? No? See ya.,", to the more talkative bunch hurts this score, but the proud few keep it from dipping too low.

Value (5/10) – The cover and drinks are both $5 if you are over 21 ($20 if under), but the dances are overpriced at $20 and the stage action is below average even though it's fully nude. Beers are $5.50, and the waitress is super hot (though not a day over 18). Before she was told otherwise, I convinced her to let me do a tequila body shot off of her gorgeous rack, complete with salt and lime on either side.

Dance Setup (1/10) – There's a row of chairs along the wall in the main room for the dances. Even though a curtain keeps people at the stage from seeing you, it doesn't stop the other girls who are giving dances from watching and it's low enough that the bouncer can look over the top. Everyone who walks in can take a peek as well. There is a "champagne" room, but even the girls tell you it's not worth your time. That's the only advertisement I needed to avoid it all together.

Club Setup (2/10) – There are a lot of tables and the stage is fairly large, but the club is tiny and can be cramped if it's even remotely busy. There are very few places to sit where the speakers aren't exploding your ear drums as well, so it's hard to navigate a comfortable place to sit.

Club Atmosphere (2/10) – This isn't exactly a shady club, but something just doesn't seem quite right about it. It's down the street from Platinum Premier, and probably gets most of it's business from the 18 year old college kids who need a lesson in strip club etiquette, pronto.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Hurricane Betty's is near Holy Cross, not far at all from downtown Worcester. They have their own free parking lot, but I wasn't overly confident that my car would be alright while I was in the club. I didn't have any problems though.

Overall – This club, in my eyes, is Rachel Ray. Rachel Ray is an enigma. Is she hot? Is she fat? What size are her tits? I can never tell. The same can be said for Hurricane Betty's. If you find the right girls in the club, you'll have a great time. If not, it could be a disaster.


Monday, June 15, 2009

Mac's Two Lounge (North Billerica, MA)

Quality of dances (4/20) – Half the dance was spent with the girl on the floor in front of me doing the exact same thing that she did on stage, and the other half of the dance involved her making moderate contact with me. The dancers aren't really attractive enough that you'd want to touch them, but if you do, they won't allow you to anyway.

Quality of dancers (3/10) – The dancers that I saw had decent bodies, but their faces were jacked and they had fake tits. If anything, I'm being generous with this score.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – The afternoon shift was pathetic, and even though they said that they'd have a few more in the evening, that would have still been a joke.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – They get some credit for having an Asian mixed in amongst the overwhelming whiteness of the club, but she's older and has particularly unnatural looking tits.

Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – I was the only guy in the club when I got there, and the girls looked annoyed that I showed up because it meant that one of them had to start dancing. It's obvious that a guy sitting at an alcohol-free bar in a strip club is there for dances, but they still didn't approach me. Once I talked to a girl at the stage, she was nice enough, but it shouldn't have to get to that point.

Value (1/10) – The cover is $5 during the day and $10 at night, and sodas and waters are $5 each. The $20 dances aren't worth more than $5, and the stage action is sub-par. The only reason to ever go to a shitty little strip bar in the middle of nowhere is to save money, and you won't be doing that here.

Dance Setup (0/10) – There's a slightly offset section near the entrance where the dances are given, but most of the people in the club and everyone at the bar has a perfect view of you while you're getting a dance. There are no partitions, the seats aren't terribly comfortable, and the area is slightly brighter than the rest of the club.

Club Setup (4/10) – There are a lot of tables and a decent sized stage here, and even though the bar is small, that doesn't matter since no one would sit at the bar anyway.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place could have a decent dive bar atmosphere, but they don't serve or allow you to bring your own alcohol, so it's just terrible. They do have dozens of copies of the XTREME Magazine laying around the club, so that can keep you entertained once you get sick of looking at the slop that they have on stage.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – This club is in the middle of nowhere, but you could get here in 15 minutes from Lowell, so I'll give it a half a point for that.

Overall – Even by Massachusetts standards, this club sucks.


Sunday, June 14, 2009

Center Stage (Springfield, MA)

Quality of dances (13/20) – They lose points here because there is such inconsistency from girl to girl. You might get one dance where there's no contact with your lower body, then the next dance leaves you with lipstick stains on the crotch of your pants. If you do manage to find the right girl, the dances are excellent, as evidenced by the fact that I've had to Purell my nipples when I left.

Quality of dancers (6/10) – There aren't any ugly dancers here, but there aren't more than 1 or 2 girls who would rate an 8 or above either. And, as with most clubs, when a few girls are significantly more attractive than the rest, the hottest ones don't feel a need to really work for the money. If you're getting a dance, go for a "6" or a "7." The one advantage that this place has over Mardi Gras is that there are significantly less implants here.

Number of Dancers (5/10) – There are three or four girls on stage and about the same amount looking to give dances, and they just rotate after each set. This gives a great ratio in the afternoon, but they don't increase the number of dancers when it gets busier, so you might have to wait for a dance then.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – It really depends on when you go, because I've visited on nights where pretty much everyone was white, but I also saw a hot Asian girl, a few black dancers and some attractive Latinas during my most recent visit.  There's usually some decent size variation as well, and even the larger ladies are not of the sloppy variety.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – "Hi, I'm ___, would you like a dance?" is about as much conversation as you'll get out of these girls. They're good about counting dances and seem happy to perform for you on stage, but some of them just sit by themselves when they're off stage and force you to approach them for dances.

Value (6.5/10) – Parking is free, beer is $5, and if there's ever a cover, it starts fairly late. You'll get your money's worth for $1 at the stage, but the payoff on your $25 dance fee really depends on the girl you get.

Dance Setup (2/10) – This is yet another Massachusetts club with a large open room for lap dances. You get your own chair, and two of the chairs are offset a little bit, but this is still a poor setup.

Club Setup (2/10) – As with the dance room, the club has the usual shitty Massachusetts setup - big stage, tiny bar, and few other places to sit. The club is fairly large though, and according to a several-year-old old sign on the door, it's "The newest club in New England."

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – I like the atmosphere better at Mardi Gras, but you should feel fairly safe here, and in Springfield, that's a big deal. Center Stage isn't a bad place to grab a beer and a dance, but I'm not sure that I'd usually hang out here for too long. The one exception would be on nights when they have nude roller derby, or "Roll-or-gazum" as they call it, with a midget referee. I have not personally witnessed this, but I can only imagine that the atmosphere is off the charts. If you're interested, you should check their site for details.

Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – They have their own free parking lot and they're located in a relatively safe part of Springfield.

Overall – Anthony's is slightly better than any of the downtown clubs, but if you inexplicably want to stay in downtown Springfield, Mardi Gras and Center Stage each have their strengths. Mardi Gras has more dancers, hotter dancers, and more promises of VIP fun, but the girls at Center Stage have less silicone and give much better lap dances. Also, the clubs are very close to each other, so you could always try both of them.


Updated July 2012.

Club Castaways (Whately, MA)

Quality of dances (6/20) – According to the signs, you're supposed to prepay for all dances, but thankfully none of the girls tried to enforce this. As a general rule, if a girl ever tries to get you to prepay, she's not worth getting a dance from.
The 1-way contact rules are followed for the most part, but the dances aren't bad considering that limitation. The one dancer who didn't follow the contact rules practically sexually assaulted me, but I can't add points for that because it wasn't even enjoyable. Even if she really is a "freak," as she repeatedly told me, I still didn't want to grab her tits so hard that they felt like they were going to pop, but she kept putting her hands on mine and squeezing tighter, so I didn't have much choice.

Quality of dancers (5/10) – The talent here was better than I expected, but still wasn't anything great. There wasn't anyone who you'd have to look away from, but there weren't any 9's or 10's either.

Number of Dancers (5/10) – For such a small club, there were more dancers than I expected, with 3 on stage most of the time. They might be better off only having 1 or 2 on stage though, because there could have been more girls mingling with the customers.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (2.5/5) – Given the location, it's not surprising that most of the girls here are white, but there are a few black dancers and even one Asian, which is practically unheard of in New England.

Attitude of dancers (3.5/10) – Most of the girls are friendly, but they lose big points here because a girl yelled at me for having my phone in my front pocket. Besides the fact that not may people keep their phones anywhere else, if you're putting pressure on my leg, you aren't focusing on the right spot.

Value (3.5/10) – Drinks are $4.75, and even though there's no cover charge in the afternoons or on Tuesdays, the value is hurt by subpar dances for $20. The stage action is also average at best.

Dance Setup (4/10) – Customers at the bar and the stage can't see you in the dance room, but the plants that separate the chairs don't stop the guy beside you from watching. The booth in the back is fairly private, so you should ask for this one if it's available.

Club Setup (3/10) – There are some tables along the wall, but no more than 2 people fit at any of them, so they wouldn't work for groups. The bar is too small for a place like this, so most people don't have any choice but to sit at the average-sized stage.

Club Atmosphere (4/10) – There's a comfortable vibe here, but Castaways tries to walk the line between dive bar and club, and it doesn't really pull off either.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – Club Castaways isn't close to anything and it keeps very strange hours, so it can be frustrating if you drive to get here only to find out that it's closed. I'd call to make sure that they're open, but generally they are closed on Sundays and Mondays and they close at 10 on some other days.

Overall – If you live around Whately, there aren't really any other options nearby, but I'd still probably just save my money for trips to better clubs.


Saturday, June 13, 2009

Lamplighter II (Worcester, MA)

Quality of dances (13/20) – I really struggled with rating the dance quality at this club. Here was my initial review:

If you're there for the dances, you won't be disappointed at the Lamplighter II. I've frequented nearly every strip club in Massachusetts, and I can say with confidence that these dances are the best the Bay State has to offer. Dancers were extremely aggressive with contact in both directions, to the point where even an experienced club-goer might blush with modesty. Normally, this rating would be a 17 or 18, but because it derives from a limited sample size, it was knocked down for the sake of prudence.

Sadly, later visits brought it back down to earth. The dances here are very unpredictable. The same girl who amazed me on my first is no longer there and there are a few others whose give outstanding dances, but there are also girls who give dances that are average at best. The bouncer will occasionally yell at the dancers who allow 2-way contact, but they don't seem to worry too much about that. Still, you're probably better off assuming that the dances will suck, then being very pleasantly surprised if you get the right girl, rather than the other way around.

Quality of dancers (3/10) – Certainly not Worcester's finest, but seriously, look at the picture of this place: What were you expecting? Despite this rating, I'm confident that you'll find at least one dance-worthy woman at any given time.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Even on their best day, it's rare to see more than 5 dancers here, and it's not unusual to see fewer than that. Sure, this is a small club, but three dancers at 4 PM is an unacceptably low number, particularly when one isn't even walking the floor. There can be a decent post-work crowd of 10-15 guys (many of whom seemed to be regulars), so they can't justify these numbers on a lack of patrons. Also, at Centerfold's two hundred meters down the road (a similarly crowded club), there are often three or four times as many dancers working on the afternoon shift.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (3.5/5) – Because of the lack of women, it's difficult to fairly judge this category. However, the three who were present on my first visit did present a wide range of options: skinny blonde pasty-white girl, thicker black woman with enormous cans, and an olive-skinned white woman with dark features and lovely lap dance hips. When it's busier, the amount of pasty-white girls and thicker black women goes up, but sadly, the one olive-skinned beauty has moved on. Speaking of which, if anyone knows what Denise is up to these days, shoot me an email.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – I've been disappointed by the lack of rounds made by the women and am generally ambivalent about their attitudes. Most of them aren't bad, but there are usually one or more who don't seem to be all there mentally.

Value (6/10) – No cover before 6 and $5 after that. It's a little ridiculous that this place has the balls to ever charge a cover, but it's in line with industry standards. Beers are also a standard $4-5. At $20, the dances are a tremendous value, and certain dancers will make the stage action worth your time. I just wish that the asshole-flex stage move would be banned from all establishments nationwide. Customers should get paid to watch that nonsense.

Dance Setup (6.5/10) – The dance setup here could be amazing, but doesn't quite live up to its potential. Dances are conducted in large comfortable chairs in a curtained-off room providing significant privacy. However, that room is directly next to both the front door and the smoking patio, so people are constantly walking by and could sneak a peek if they wanted to. Also, because there are two chairs in the room, it's possible to be getting a dance right next to another dude in the private room. The shitiness of that situation speaks for itself. Of course, this shouldn't be a problem for you, because the readers of Stripperpoll will know to refuse to dance in a currently-occupied room.

Club Setup (2/10) – Decent for a dive bar, awful for a strip club. Half a dozen tables dot the tiny floor space and the stage is smallish and lined with uncomfortable wooden chairs. No matter where you are, you feel like you can't just relax and hang out. Also, during the day, the open door to the smoking patio allows daylight to pour in to an otherwise dark club, which is never a good thing.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – At the time this club was originally reviewed, this rating was a 4.5, based mostly on the fact that the DJ played Shawty is Da Shit by The Dream, a Stripperpoll favorite. But now that the excitement from that song has worn off, it's clear that a 3.5 is more accurate. There really isn't much positive to say about Lamplighter II's atmosphere. As was mentioned above, it's basically a dive bar with no remarkable characteristics.

Club Accessibility (2.5/5) – Located about 5 miles outside of Worcester on the SW Cutoff (route 20), Lamplighter II is a little far for a cab ride from downtown, but it's otherwise easily accessible by car.

Overall – Lamplighter II is all about dance quality, and if you're anything like me, you'll appreciate that. You'd never want to have a bachelor party here, but it works well for an after work beer and dance. Come in with the right expectations and you should leave satisfied.