Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Hustler Club (Las Vegas, NV)

Quality of Dances (8/20): Hustler Las Vegas appears to have dispensed with the pretense that it is a gentlemen’s club and instead gone full-on brothel. Not since the golden days of legal indoor prostitution in Rhode Island have I been propositioned with such unabashed vigor. There is no shame in the game here, and it appears that management is completely on board with it. Every woman I spoke to was openly discussing the fucking and sucking that goes on in the back rooms. That these things are happening isn’t a surprise, of course; everyone knows that. I was simply struck by the routineness with which it was described. So commonplace are the blow jobs that my turning one down elicited stunned laughter and relentless mocking by both the two dancers who were with me, and a third who was called up just so that she could be told the story in a “You’re not gonna believe this shit” narrative.

Having said all of that, one would think that this score should be in the high teens with all the mileage you’ll get, but the truth is that the dances actually kind of suck. Yes, you can touch them and they will touch you. Yes, you will get offers of extras galore. But there will be no intimacy to your dance, no sensuality, no false hope that this woman might actually like you, definitely more than that last guy whose sweat you can still faintly smell despite her ample Juicy Fruit perfume. No, there are no fantasies at Hustler; just the harsh realities of sex-for-fee business transactions. Be forewarned. Not because there is anything wrong with paying for sex, but rather because when you bust your nut and you don’t have the emotional safety net of the illusion, it’s easy to go to a place darker than that jizz-stained corner you just sacrificed your dignity and paycheck in.

Quality of Dancers (8.5/10): It’s Vegas and this is a big club, so the women are exactly what you’d expect. Some are so hot that you’ll simultaneously thank God that they exist and curse Him for not giving you just enough musical talent to be a listless skiver in a shitty band so that you might actually have a chance with them. Some is probably an understatement; I actually think most of them meet that description. The talent here is very impressive.

Number of Dancers (10/10): Good lord, they had a shitload of women working here. So many, in fact, that it negatively impacted their Club Atmosphere score. I physically saw no fewer than 50 women on a random Monday night, and those were just the wallflowers in my plain view. I wouldn’t be shocked if well over 100 were working.

Attitude of Dancers (1/10): Aside from Fuzzy Holes, this place is probably the most aptly-named strip club I’ve ever reviewed. These guys hustle harder than Russell Westbrook. They are always closing; every interaction is angled towards the back room, every conversation redirected to the issue of dances and how you’re gonna get them paid. And God forbid you get to the back room without a very clear negotiation and price laid out. I’d rather go to ten time share presentations than one Hustler back room discussion.

Club Setup (5/5): Like every Hustler I’ve ever reviewed, the club setup here is excellent. High ceilings, two bars on opposite sides of the club, multiple poles on a stage that’s visible from anywhere in the room, and plenty of seating of all different types. I’m not sure there’s anything to complain about here.

Club Atmosphere  (5/10):  I had the opportunity to visit during the club’s weekly “Amateur Night.”  The spectacle of non-dancers competing on parallel stages for the $500 cash prize delivered energy and entertainment value, thanks more than anything to their hysterical, rain-making female groupies (looking at you, “Tasty”). The atmosphere rating gets a bump for the event, despite the announcer’s outrageous faux-hardo persona. Another plus is the upstairs VIP section. The relatively luxurious and exclusive setting is what the discerning gentlemen of means might occasionally look for when interested in a more low-key visit. However, the main floor reminded me of closing time at a bar right after the lights come up. Brighter-than-average lighting combined with the mostly empty, large space and a lot of dancers just sitting around with dazed looks was a scene uninspiring enough to kill my buzz so hard that even the waitresses dressed up in Bad Santa’s little helper costumes couldn’t salvage things.

Dance Setup (3.5/5): Dances are given both on the floor (if you feel like wasting a little bit of money) and in a series of rooms upstairs with varying degrees of privacy (if you feel like wasting a lot of money). The primary dance room upstairs is the typical partitioned booth setup, albeit a little bit darker and a little bit more private that what one would normally see. As always, the back corner booth sees the most action, with the dancers bee-lining straight there upon entry. It’s a double-edged sword, naturally. Yes, nobody can see you, but they couldn’t see that last bro either. Or the guy before him, or the guy before get the idea.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (4/5): A bit white girl heavy, but for the most part, all of the standard boxes are ticked, and I can almost guarantee that you’ll find someone who can scratch your itch amongst these women.

Value (2.5/10): As with all Vegas strip clubs, you should never pay a cover if you’re dropped off by a cab, but they fuck you pretty good by requiring you to buy two drink tickets at $20 each. Even at that outrageous price, those tickets will only buy you a standard mixed drink, with something special like a Redbull and Vodka running you another $5 or so on top of your ticket. Dance value is well below average thanks to the neverending hustle and inconsistent pricing schemes from dancers. And stage value appears not to really exist since nobody is tipping outside of the aforementioned friends of the amateurs.

Club Accessibility (4.5/5): Located just west of the Strip on Dean Martin, it’s technically walkable, though you’d have to be very dumb, very drunk, or very brave to make that walk after sundown. Don’t be an idiot, and just take the 5 minute cab ride.

Overall – With the Hustler franchise being of such consistent quality across locations and cities, it is tragic that their Vegas locale falls well short of the standard they’ve set. In a city with dozens of great strip clubs, I’m sorry to report that there’s really no reason to waste your time at the Hustler Las Vegas.