Sunday, April 24, 2011

George's (Bridgeport, CT)

Quality of Dances (0/20) – If you're going to risk your life to visit a dangerous club in the middle of the ghetto on Iranistan Avenue, that club better have some amazing lapdances. Not only does George's not have amazing lapdances - they have no lapdances. Based on that alone, you should never go here.  I'll keep writing in case you're curious, but there's really no point to the rest of this.  Don't go to George's!

Quality of Dancers (2/10) – The only girl that I saw here on my lone visit could have been a model in the Latina version of a Lane Bryant catalogue.  She had a hot face and would be absolutely blazing if she lost 60 pounds, but as is, she won't really do it for most guys.  I like a little something to grab onto during a lap dance, but again, there are no dances, so it's all about the looks here.  And 60 extra pounds don't look good.

Number of Dancers (1/10) – The lady who was working when I visited George's only spent a very small fraction of the time dancing.  For the most part, she just sat and chatted with a single customer.  In fairness to the club, there's no way in hell that I was going to this place at night, so I was there during the day shift, but one girl is not acceptable if a club is open for business.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0/5) – With only one girl working, obviously there was no diversity, and something tells me that all of the dancers would have been Latina or black and fairly large anyway. That "something" is experience with Bridgeport clubs.  You're just not going to find many girl next door types in the Bridgeport dive clubs unless you live next door to a weight loss clinic in the ghetto.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – This isn't a terribly useful rating since it's only based on one girl, but like I said above, you shouldn't even be reading this far.  In case you are, the girl that was working was reasonably friendly and very apologetic/confused about the lack of dances.

Value (6/10) – There's no cover, so the 2 drink minimum with $4.50 beers is reasonable.  If you're lucky enough to see a girl on stage, the action is adequate, but I wouldn't count on getting to witness that unless you're willing to hang out for a while.

Dance Setup (0/10) – No dances equals no dance setup.

Club Setup (1/10) – George's has 2 pool tables, paint peeling off the walls, a cigarette machine (who knew they even still make those?), a large bar that takes up most of the club and a shitty narrow stage along the right side wall.  Basically, this place is a dump.  And if the main room isn't bad enough for you, the terrible bathroom has a urinal located exactly where a civilized person would stand to wash their hands.  Luckily, I doubt that George's gets many of those types stopping by.

Club Atmosphere (0/10) – They have a sign on the wall that reads, "What you see, what you hear, when you leave, leave it here," which is really just a slightly more elegantly worded version of "Stop Snitchin'".  So that should tell you all that you really need to know about the atmosphere. You'll never really feel safe in here, and based on the cameras pointing outward, your car won't be either.  The one positive is that they have good mariache music playing most of the time (seriously, this wasn't the Reggaeton that you hear in clubs; it was the Mariachi music that you hear in a good mexican restaurant), but when the girl came out on stage, it inexplicably changed to the Bee Gee's.

Club Accessibility (0.5/5) – There's parking across the street, but this is a bad neighborhood that I would advise you to stay away from.

Overall – George's is not worth a visit under any circumstances. Risking your life for a good club is questionable, but risking it for this dump is just begging to become a Darwin Award winner.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

Cheerleaders (Pittsburgh, PA)

Quality of Dances (12/20) – I’ve found a ton of variation from one girl to the next,  but for the most part, these are very solid dances.  Tit grabbing was not only tolerated, but was actually encouraged, and more than one girl used her leg and mouth skillfully over the pants.  The dances are topless, but many of the girls adjust the bottoms to give you a full view.  Some of the other girls give dances that are satisfactory at best, but you should be able to have a decent time if you chose wisely. 

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – These ladies are Pittsburgh’s finest, which, surprisingly, is relatively fine.  I expected a little more quality control from a place that takes itself as seriously as this place does, but most of the girls were 7’s or 8’s, and the few girls who I’d rate below that were the affirmative action hires, which I’m ok with in a largely white city.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – Cheerleaders’ popularity is their downfall in this category.  They have 3 girls on stage at a time during the evening, and they’ve got several more ladies patrolling the crowd, but it can be nearly impossible to get a girl’s attention for a dance due to the large number of customers during  prime club hours.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (3/5) – As far as I can tell, there aren’t a whole lot of Asians or Latinas in Pittsburgh, and the selection at Cheerleaders reflects that.  Still, I was happy to see a fair number of black dancers and some size variation in addition to the expected white blonds.

Attitude of Dancers (3.5/10) – I met a few very friendly dancers at Cheerleader’s, but way too many of them are picky about what customer’s they’ll talk to.  I understand that, from their point of view, the club is so packed that even if they piss off 50 guys, 50 other guys will still be willing to drop cash on them.  Still, it sucks if a girl you’ve been waiting for passes you by because she assumes that the guy wearing a suit has more money than you.  I guess that happens everywhere to some extent, but it was particularly blatant at Cheerleaders.  Or maybe I just noticed it more because, on this occasion, I wasn’t  the guy in the suit. 

Value (1/10) – If you’re going to have a mandatory non-complimentary valet service, you shouldn’t have a cover change.  It isn’t so much that it’s expensive, though that plus a beer usually adds up to $20 (it was $25 the night I was there because a fight was on TV), but it really just feels like a scam.  As does the requirement to get bottle service or pay a $2 upcharge on beers to sit at one of the tables. The dances are an ok value at $25 and the topless stage action doesn’t cost much due to the distance between the bar and the stages, but I’m knocking them down on this because you’ll walk of here feeling like you got scammed. 

Dance Setup (4.5/10) – Dances are given in a separate room from the main area of the club on several individual small benches.  The benches are angled so that you’re facing, at most, one or two other benches, and the benches have high backs, so no one will be able to peak over your shoulder.  So, overall, it’s fairly solid if the club isn’t too crowded and the girls properly distribute customers.  Unfortunately, when the club is crowded, and it usually is, at least one other customer/dancer pair will see what you’re up to.

Club Setup (6/10) – This is a nice club overall with a set of stairs coming down to a center stage and two satellite stages off to the sides.  Each of the satellite stages is several feet away from a large bar area, so you get to toss balled up 1’s at the girls and don’t need to tip a whole lot, but interaction with the girls at the stages is non-existent.  My biggest complaint, though, is that there aren’t really any tables unless you sit in the bottle service area around the perimeter of the club, but I refuse to do that on principle.  On the plus side, they have the often overlooked but always appreciated beer shelves at the urinals.  Those things really should be standard at any decent club.

Club Atmosphere (6.5/10) – This place is a little on the upscale side, but the vibe is still relatively relaxed and the crowd is good.  I probably wouldn’t come here with a large group due to the lack of tables (fuck bottle service), but it’s a solid place to hang and down a beer or two with a few buddies.  Be forewarned though, they sell cigars and allow smoking inside, so you may want to take that into consideration if you have to explain your stench to anyone.    

Club Accessibility (4.5/5) – Cheerleaders isn’t really within walking distance of most of the places that you’d want to be in Pittsburgh, but it’s not far from anything and is relatively close to the original Primanti Brothers location.  I recommend going there after the club though, because you probably won’t feel like having a girl grind on your lap for a while after pastrami, cole slaw and french-fry deliciousness.   

Overall – Cheerleaders is a nice club.  Not great, but nice.  Other than the bullshit pricing, they’re unspectacularly adequate across the board.  I probably prefer Blush overall, but if an upscale club with the most attractive dancers in the Burgh sounds like something that you’d be interested in, Cheerleaders is the place for you.


Monday, April 11, 2011

Delilah's (Philadelphia, PA)

Quality of Dances (5.5/20) – The girls mostly give some moderate friction, but having my hands moved immediately from the outsides of a girl's legs is a huge buzzkill, especially when the girls already give off a stuck up vibe.  If I can't touch your legs for $20, you won't be getting a second $20.

Quality of Dancers (8/10) – If you're into white girls, you'll have a hard time complaining at the quality of dancers at Delilah's. Basically, other than the hints of Amish inbreeding, it's as close to Spearmint Rhino quality as you'll find on the east coast.

Number of Dancers (7/10) – They've got a ton of dancers, but they lose a few points because there are often so many guys in here that it can be a challenge to get a dance.  I've only made one day-shift visit and it was dead in terms of customers and dancers, but the ratio was much more acceptable then.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – Thin, white and mostly blonde works for a lot of guys, and that's a good thing, because that what Delilah's has.

Attitude of dancers (1/10) – One girl walked up to my table and asked if I wanted a dance.  I started to say something like, "maybe in a bit, but I want to get a drink first, so check back in a while," but
the girl stormed off about half way through "maybe". Some of the other ones aren't quite as bad, but it's rare to find a girl in Delilah's who isn't full of herself.

Value (4/10) – For an upscale club that takes itself way too seriously, the prices are surprisingly reasonable, with $20 dances and$6 beers.  They do have a fairly steep cover (something like $15 on
weekends), but it's waived if you have a ticket to a sporting event or a hotel room key. That's kind of shitty for locals and is the reason that I never visited while living in the area, but it seems to be
standard at the more upscale Philly clubs. There isn't any interaction between customers and dancers at the stage, but the view is great so you can ration your money if you want to just be a spectator.

Dance Setup (2.5/10) – Thankfully, dances are not given on the main floor because that place can get packed. They're in a separate room that's behind a curtain and is filled with couches.  It's not at all
private, but at least the couches are reasonably comfortable.

Club Setup (4/10) – There's a long stage down middle of the club with stairs that come down to it from the Delilahs Club Level.  You have to be a member to go up there, (I have no idea what it takes to become a member, but I wasn't interested), but it's sweet how they have girls gyrating around on the stairs while other girls are on the stage. The seating isn't nearly as nice as the stage though.  There are a bunch of small tables and a few booths in raised areas along sides of club, but those are mostly reserved for bottle service, so it can be tough to find a seat on nights of big sporting events. Overall, it comes very close to having a solid setup, but you should never have to circle a club 4 times to find a seat that you're immediately tossed from because you're only drinking beer. I like beer, so they can go fuck themselves.

Club Atmosphere (3.5/10) – This place is very upscale, so depending on your tastes,you might think it's either classy or stuffy. Thanks to the sights, it would be an awesome place to chill and have a few beers after a game, but the atmosphere isn't conducive to that at all. Still, it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a curious girlfriend to a place like this if you want to fool her into thinking that nothing inappropriate goes on at strip clubs.

Club Accessibility (4/5) – Delilah's is along the Delaware River near Penn's Landing right across the street from Dave & Busters.  It's walkable from the Center City/South Street areas, but it will be a fairly long walk.  If you're going to do it, I'd walk over to Columbus and then walk north to the club, because you'll be bordering on some shady areas if you walk north to Spring Garden and then east to the club.

Overall – This place might be good for a bachelor party with your soon to be father in law or a business meeting, and it might even be an okay place to do some sightseeing before the night really gets started, but the attitudes and stuffiness prevent it from ever being great for anything beyond that.

Total score = 40.5

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Casa Diablo (Portland, OR)

Quality of Dances (9/20) – Not much you can describe here that you don’t already know if you are in Portland.  “Full contact” means don’t touch the girls.  That no one in this city understands the irony escapes me.  I’ve heard rumblings of super-aggressive dances and extras available in this particular place.  I figured the rumors were true as we got close, where my driver was laughing so hard at the backwoods way this place looks he almost jumped a curb.  The less attractive dancers also seemed to strengthen this reputation, but if there's high mileage, it's reserved for regulars, because I got no hints of extras at all.  

Quality of Dancers (3/10) – I was happy to say that this was not the only place I was visiting this particular evening, otherwise I would be really disappointed.  Since there are so many clubs in Portland, I can’t pass judgment quite yet, but this was definitely the worst crop of girls in the city thus far.  The shining star of the bunch was the bartender, who is topless at all times and is willing to play peek-a-boo with her vagina if you tip well.

Number of Dancers (2/10) – Six girls at 6pm on Saturday night is fine for an in-call bachelor party, but not acceptable here.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1.5/5) – I’ve seen less pasty white color at an Irish family reunion.  Body type differences were minimal, but a token redhead adds half a point because no one can turn away a fire bush.  Other than one chubster who spent half her set lying down and chatting up one patron with her back to another, the itty bitty titty committee was fully represented here.

Attitude of Dancers (0/10) – My host in Portland/driver/faithful sidekick and I tried sitting down at a table to be waited on.  We failed.  We went over to the bar to order and failed at that too.  The bartender had at least ten dudes ogling her compared to the two at the stage, and we couldn’t get her attention.  We then noticed a chess board sitting nearby and decided to conduct an experiment.  How long would it take someone, anyone, to come over and demand that we buy drinks/food/dances or SOMETHING after seeing two idiots wasting time playing chess in a stripclub?

Thirty-three minutes later I was checkmated, and we ended the experiment.

We then proceeded back to a table by the stage and seriously wondered if I would be able to review this place.  We tried again with the bartender and successfully ordered a drink and a mushroom burger, having heard that the food was a major draw here despite being vegan.  After sitting back down by the stage, it only took 20 minutes for the vegan burger to be made and brought over.  With a mouthful of food each, we got a casual hello from one dancer as she passed by, and that was the extent of the attention we were afforded.

Value (4/10) – No cover always boosts a score, but charging $40/dance is laugh out loud funny.  You can get a dance from the bartender, but then who will tend the bar?  I perused message boards that told me this place has the most contact of any dances in Portland, but behind the beaded curtain that cordons off the Devil’s Den, I saw only one-way contact.  Perhaps I was there too early in the evening, but the dance area might as well handcuff the customer’s hands to the chair.  At least the mushroom burger was really good.

Dance Setup (6/10) – There is a small room (the Devil’s Den) with a beaded curtain that may as well be a sheet of clear plastic wrap separating the main floor and dance area.  Inside chairs that are physically very comfy and socially very not, as they place you either staring at your compadres or sitting right next to them.

Club Setup (1/10) – This used to be a vegan restaurant, and not much renovation took place since the switch over.  There is a small “I” shaped stage in the middle, with a smaller circular stage near the sunken bar in the back and incredibly uncomfortable booths all along the outside of the club.  To one side there is a perfect view through several large windows of all the construction going on outside.  This is the only club I’ve seen to have so many windows, and I’ve been to plenty of places that made the conversion.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – Several message boards describe this place as if you were in the bar in “From Dusk ‘til Dawn.”  It has low red lighting and has pictures of stripper devils on the walls, but otherwise I don’t see it.  I had a bad feeling when we saw a party bus in the parking lot at 4:30pm, and a worse feeling when 12 guys with an average age of 55 exited the club and onto the bus.  Two of the partiers left on their mountain bikes, but then that’s not unexpected in Portland.

Once we checked out the vibe a bit, there appeared to be two types of customers there (not including me).  First, there was the Latino group that bought pitcher after pitcher of beer, and stared at the girls on stage from afar, never talking to each other or the dancers but entranced nonetheless.  Second, there was the 40 year old virgin crew who did not appear to like alcohol, but kept buying it so that the topless bartender would pull her pants down and pet the kitty.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – In the northern part of NW Portland, so only a few miles north of downtown.  Or, as it feels like when you pull up, in the middle of fucking nowhere.  The side of the street with the club makes you feel like you’re in backwoods Appalachia and the other side has enough oil barrels, smokestacks, and warehouses to make you think you’re in an industrial section of New Jersey.

Overall – The mystique of a vegan strip club with super-aggressive dances will make you want to check this place out, but I was unimpressed.  If you’re a vegan who loves checking out titties, but doesn’t like talking to women, this is a great place to hang out.  Short of that, stick to closer to downtown, or basically anywhere else.  In Portland, you’re not forced to settle for mediocrity, which is exactly what this club has to offer.


Friday, April 1, 2011

Silk Stockings (Shippensburg, PA)

Quality of Dances (3/20) – You can't touch the dancers at all unless you pay for one of the massages upstairs. They provide some fairly weak friction during the dances, but I was actually glad that it wasn't very good because you're on full display and I didn't feel like showing off for the creepy old owner who was watching from across the room.

Quality of Dancers (2.5/10) – Everyone that I've seen in this place has been painfully mediocre, and one girl looked so young that I felt uncomfortable to the point that I had to leave the club when she walked out on stage. I don't have any reason to think that she was under 18, but I don't know what what kind of clientele they're trying to appeal to by hiring dancers who could even pass for younger than that.

Number of Dancers (1.5/10) – Even though I've never seen many customers at Silk Stockings, it's unacceptable that they've only had 1-3 girls working each time I've stopped by. The worst part was that, during my last visit, there was only one girl working and she left to give a guy a half hour massage, so it left me sitting there with the owner and my soda wondering why I bothered visiting this shithole again.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (0.5/5) – As far as I know, they've only got white ladies in this place, but they do get a half a point for some variation of body types.

Attitude of Dancers (2.5/10) – It's pretty much standard in central PA for girls to ask you to pay your dance fee and tip in advance, but that still doesn't make it acceptable. Club owners, pay your girls a cut of the dance price so that they can cut this shit out and actually try to earn a tip rather than ruining the mood by asking for it up front. I put that more on the owners than on the dancers, but I can blame the dancers for spending most of their time behind the counter by the door instead of circulating with paying customers. They're usually at least very friendly while on stage, but I've been less than impressed overall.

Value (1.5/10) – The $12 cover is ridiculous for this shitty little club, but it's waived if you buy a dance in advance. Dance prices are on the high side at $25 for 1 and $30 for 2, with customers being expected to match that for the tip. BYOB is the only real positive here, but I can't imagine spending enough time in this club to make it worth bringing much beer.

Dance Setup (0/10) – Dances are performed on a couch along the side wall facing the brightly lit club. You're on full display, so it would be hard to enjoy these dances too much even if the girls did do anything enjoyable.

Club Setup (1.5/10) – This place is in an old house, with the downstairs being used for the club and the upstairs being used for massages. I haven't been upstairs, but the club area has a needlessly large stage, a few shitty chairs and 2 taller tables in the back near the vending machine.

Club Atmosphere (0.5/10) – Everything about this place depresses me. Maybe that's my own fault for not bringing beer, but I really can't see why anyone would stop here unless it's just to find a girl for a massage. Sadly, I've heard that even that is a waste of time and money.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – This whole area is pretty much the middle of nowhere, but Silk Stockings is right off of I-81 in Shippensburg. And when I say "right off," I mean you better not be from the area or you better not have a distinctive ride, because everyone traveling between Carlisle and Chambersburg will see your car in the gravel parking lot.

Overall – This is quite possibly the worst strip club in the United States. I'm pretty sure that the only people who would ever consider stopping here are truck drivers who are looking for a little human contact, but if that's your situation, you're better off stopping at one of the strip clubs in West Virginia or one of the Asian massage parlors in Chambersburg. Even if you don't have the patience to go somewhere else, you're better off walking across the parking lot to the porn store and taking matters into your own hands instead of giving a dime to Silk Stockings.