Sunday, August 16, 2009

DiCarlo's (Albany, NY)

Quality of dances (4/20) – Sadly, the dances at DiCarlo’s are pretty weak. Although there seems to be some wiggle room for regulars, the no-contact rules are largely enforced by dancers. I didn’t receive, nor did I witness, even a single knee or ass grind.

One interesting quirk (which provided nearly all the points for this score) is that dance prices basically operate on the honor system. When a dancer is finished with a song, she waits there and you can pay her whatever amount you like…literally any amount, including nothing. In fact, according to club rules, dancers aren’t even supposed to suggest prices. Objectively, these dances are worth no more than $5, but because I supports the industry, I recommend that patrons pay $10 per dance.

Quality of dancers (6.5/10) – For upstate New York, the women here are gorgeous. On an absolute scale, they fair poorer, but still hold their own. I'd be very surprised if a customer couldn’t find a girl to fall in love with at DiCarlo’s.

Number of Dancers (6/10) – Six dancers on a Sunday night is pretty solid for this relatively small club. From what I understand, they don’t ever get a huge number of dancers (15-20), but because I can’t imagine this place getting very packed, 10-12 should do an adequate job.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – Nary a Latina or black woman could be found amongst the blonde hair and blue eyes; an unfortunate lack of diversity. DiCarlo’s scores one point for some mild variance in body type.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – The dancers were nice enough, but none were particularly engaging. I would prefer to hear a little more game before being asked about getting a dance.

Value (4/10) – No cover before 7 PM and $5 afterwards. Miller Lites are the standard $5. A physical barrier between the stage and the floor nullifies any stage value. I'd like to say that the Name Your Price dances create significant value, but given their lack of quality, even bargain basement prices can’t save them.

Dance Setup (.5/10) – All dances take place directly on the floor of the club, usually in a shitty uncomfortable seat at one of the many tables. There’s one corner that provides the slightest bit of privacy when the club is empty, but it’s nothing to brag about.

Club Setup (4.5/10) – DiCarlo’s looks like a converted Italian restaurant, with several 4-6 person rectangular tables set up throughout the floor and a few booths near the entrance. Normally, that would be terrible, but they manage to do a decent job with what they’ve got. The stage, despite being physically blocked off from customers, is a nice design complete with a love seat and swing.

Club Atmosphere (4.5/10) – The DJ is solid and the club has a reasonably classy feel to it. It would help if they replaced the furniture to better complement the stage and overall look of the club. They also desperately need to remove or correct the sign on the wall that reads Photo’s by “Isus” to describe a series of mounted pictures. I don’t even know where to get started with my criticism of that sign, so I'll let it speak for itself.

Club Accessibility (3/5) – Located on Central Ave just a few miles outside of downtown Albany, DiCarlo’s is an easy cab ride from anywhere in the capital district.

Overall – I'd classify DiCarlo’s Lounge as a gentlemen’s club rather than a strip joint. During most hours, the women are there more as a backdrop than a main feature. That’s not necessarily a bad thing if you’re looking for a place to relax and enjoy a nice view, but club-goers shouldn’t go in expecting a rowdy time that may end up with them jizzing in their pants.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Mickey's Valley View Pub (Cumberland, RI)

Quality of dances (11/20) – The dances are fairly good by normal standards, but they fall far short of what you'll find at the other Rhode Island clubs. There is full two-way contact, but the girls don't place any particular emphasis below the waist.

Quality of dancers (0.5/10) – The girls here are terrible. If they aren't obese, they look like they're on meth. I didn't see anyone that I'd rate above a two.

Number of Dancers (3/10) – The quantity is slightly better than the quality, but neither is acceptable. There aren't many customers, so you won't have any problem getting a girl to talk to you, but I'm not sure why you'd want to.

Variety/Diversity of Dancers (1/5) – There was some variety of body types, but unless the only color you like is pasty white, you'll get bored quickly.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – The girls were fairly friendly, but this is a neighborhood type of place where you'll be largely ignored if you aren't a regular and aren't throwing around money.

Value (3.5/10) – The cans of beer are reasonable (I don't think they sell bottles) and the stage action is okay, but dances are way too expensive. Unless the girls were lying to me, the club gets $20 for each dance and then you're left to negotiate with the dancers to see what they're willing to accept. The going rate seems to be $10 to the dancer, which brings the total per song to $30. That's unacceptable even if the dances are amazing, and these dances aren't.

Dance Setup (5.5/10) – There's a row of decent sized booths along the one wall with sheer curtains that prevent other customers from seeing much of what you're doing, but the curtains face the main area of the club, so it still doesn't feel all that private.

Club Setup (2/10) – The bar takes up most of the club, and the bar top is wide so that it can double as the stage. There's a small stage in the one corner of the club, but it was empty while I was there. There were a few small tables and a pool table, but everyone seems to stay at the bar.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – This place has a relaxed atmosphere, but it isn't somewhere that I could see myself spending much time other than to get the occasional after work beer. While I was there, two customers were trying to buy crack from a dancer, and even though she didn't hook them up, it didn't seem to be all that out of the ordinary.

Club Accessibility (2/5) – Mickey's isn't too far outside of Providence, but it isn't all that close either. It's in a strange residential neighborhood and a lot of the nearby streets are closed, so it's no easy to find if you don't know where you're going.

Overall – This wouldn't be a good club no matter where it was located, but for Rhode Island, it's terrible. Visiting Mickey's was one of the few times that I haven't enjoyed reviewing a club for this site. Knowing that I was spending time and money in this place when Club Fantasies and the Cadillac Lounge were only 20 minutes away was brutal. Assuming that you don't run a strip club review website, there's no reason to put yourself through that.


Ultra Violet (Willimantic, CT)

Quality of dances (14/20) – The dances here are very good, but I wasn't able to enjoy mine fully because the girl was dripping with sweat due to the barely functioning air conditioning. Still, full contact is allowed and encouraged in both directions. I suspect that minimal extras may be available, but I was too grossed out by the sweat to find out for sure.

Quality of dancers (2/10) – The girls that I saw weren't awful, but they weren't all that good either. There's some crossover between Ultra Violet and Electric Blue, but only the worst Blue girls seem to show up here.

Number of Dancers (2.5/10) – Apparently I caught them on an unusually slow night, but there's no excuse for ever just having 2 dancers working the evening shift.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1/5) – Both dancers that I saw were fairly plain white girls. The one had natural tits and the other did not, but that's not enough variety to warrant more than a point.

Attitude of dancers (3/10) – One dancer was moderately friendly but the other completely ignored the four customers who were in the place. This seems to be the type of place where the girls are friendly with the regulars, but that didn't do me any good during my only visit.

Value (6/10) – There was no cover when I was there and beers aren't too bad at $4.75 per bottle. You get decent value for your dollar at the stage, and the $20 dances are fairly solid.

Dance Setup (5.5/10) – The dance room is mostly closed off from the rest of the club in the one corner, but the open door does allow a clear view of one of the chairs. There are no dividers within the room, but I assume that you'll usually be the only one getting a dance, so it's pretty solid. If the girl doesn't take you to one of the out-of-view chairs around the corner, I wouldn't bother going through with the dance.

Club Setup (2/10) – This is a tiny club with a small stage and uncomfortable chairs, but there's a decent bar in the center of the room with a row of TVs along the far wall.

Club Atmosphere (3/10) – If they took away the women and lowered the drink prices, this place would be a solid dive bar, but as is, it's just a dumpy topless club with moderately priced drinks. The atmosphere seems to get better once you visit several times and build up a rapport with the dancers and bartenders, but I'm not sure what would possess anyone to visit enough times to allow that to happen.

Club Accessibility (.5/5) – Ultra Violet is on Main Street in Willimantic, but it isn't particularly close to anything.

Overall – My expectations were high since this place is owned by the same guy who owns Electric Blue, but I was disappointed in every way. I know there are people who like this place and I realize that I may have caught it on a bad night, but it was so bad that I can't imagine giving it another chance anytime soon. The dances here are decent, but if you're considering visiting Ultra Violet, just drive the extra 20 minutes to Electric Blue.


Playhouse Lounge (Burlington, NJ)

Quality of dances (19/20) – The dances are the only reason to come here, and they are great. Most of the girls won't bother with the $20 couch dances, but for $10 more, they'll be undoing your pants within seconds of the song starting. If you refuse their offers to give you a hand, they'll still give a great dance and do their best to finish you off with the friction, though they might complain that they "really want to touch it and feel the cum."

Quality of dancers (2/10) – The quality doesn't seem to be what it was a few years ago, and even though there are enough dancers that you should be able to find one or two hot ones, the majority are old, worn, and have fake tits. If the dancers could convince their daughters to start working here, I'm fairly certain that the quality would be much higher.

Number of Dancers (6.5/10) – There are a lot of dancers here, but only a few of them could rate above a three.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – The majority of women here are Latina, but there are also plenty of white women with a few random black and Asian dancers in the mix.

Attitude of dancers (4/10) – If you're looking to have a long chat with a dancer, this isn't the place for it, but the girls do aim to please. When they come up to you at the bar, most of them don't ask if they can give you a dance; they ask if they can make you cum.

Value (3/10) – There's no cover in the afternoon and you can't tip at the stage, but the girls do the dreaded tip walk. They do at least give a little action for the tips, but a tip walk is a mood killer regardless. Couch dances are technically $20, but no one gets them and most girls don't even offer them, so you'll probably be paying $30 per dance for the "VIP" room. The dances are exactly 4 minutes long regardless of how long or short the songs are, and there's a dance security guard who calls out the number of dances so that you know you won't have to deal with girls miscounting. This is a BYOB place, so that increases the value if you plan accordingly.

Dance Setup (7.5/10) – The couches that no one ever uses are in back of club and can only be seen by the security guy, but the real dances are in decent sized private rooms with a couch and a latching door. There is a camera in there, but it doesn't seem like anyone is monitoring that, and if they are, they clearly don't care what happens.

Club Setup (2/10) – A large bar fills the club and barely leaves enough room for customers to walk to the dance rooms in the back. The stages are inside the bar area, but they're too far from the bar to allow for any interaction between customers and dancers. Since you can't tip at the stage, the setup indirectly encourages the tip walk.

Club Atmosphere (1/10) – This place is a shitty topless dive bar that doesn't serve alcohol. The fact that they allow you to bring your own booze helps, but I still can't imagine that anyone has ever come here for any purpose other than to cum here.

Club Accessibility (1.5/5) – It's near a few other clubs, but it isn't all that close to anything else. From Philly, it's a little over a half hour drive.

Overall – This place is a dump, but the dances are great and it's the only permanent club (as opposed to the primarily black city clubs that change locations every few months) in the Philly area where the girls consistently aim to leave you fully satisfied. If you don't mind older dancers, you'll love this place. You'll still probably enjoy yourself even if you do prefer younger women, but you'll be ashamed when you're done.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

Scruples (Feasterville-Trevose, PA)

Quality of dances (N/R) – Sadly, this rating will have to be normalized because I was somehow unable to secure a dance at Scruples. To convey the absurdity of that result, a short description is necessary. I arrived at Scruples on a Sunday night around 11 PM with a group of five fun, attractive roller girls (one of whom was Pussy Control) and one other dude. After the group spent an hour at the stage (read bar; see below) drinking beers and tipping/chatting with dancers, the group decided to buy Pussy Control a couple of dances. Flashing a fistful of money, Pussy’s friend asked the hottest dancer if she’d come dance for Pussy when she got off stage. Her answer: “I don’t do lap dances. I only give private dances upstairs.” WTF?! Not deterred, Pussy’s friend moved to the next hottest dancer. Her answer: “I’m pretty tired and don’t really want to dance.” Are you fucking serious?! It’s like they hate money.

Now, while you digest that anecdote, it’s important to keep in mind a few things. One, this occurred almost two hours before closing time, so it’s not like either of these women could understandably be phoning it in for the night. Next, Pussy Control isn’t some creepy hosebeast. She’s the undisputed champion of charming the pants off of hot women; a total legend. And third, my group, and Pussy in particular, had an excellent rapport with both of the dancers in question. Their denials were inexcusable.

Beyond those two dancers, Pussy and I were unimpressed with the limited selection and unwilling to take one for the team, so no dance was had.

Quality of dancers (5.5/10) – This was definitely a pleasant surprise. One of the two dancers mentioned above was a knockout and the other wasn’t far behind. The problem, as is often the case, was a lack of consistency. The remaining two dancers crippled this score.

Number of Dancers (4/10) – Four dancers and about four times that many patrons on a Sunday night. It’s hard to shit on that ratio given that our crew made up half the clientele and Scruples isn’t exactly centrally located. Nevertheless, four dancers on a night shift is inherently weak sauce, so it can only score so high.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (1.5/5) – A reasonable mix of body types, including some delightful lap-dance asses, but no ethnic variety. Any differences in skin tone were simply the result of white women in various states of tan.

Attitude of dancers (2.5/10) – This was on its way to a mid-range score, but the story above from ‘Quality of Dances’ ensured that it could never crawl out of the bottom quartile. Also, a note to all dancers: It’s bad enough to talk about your kids, but to show pictures? Please, stop the madness.

Value (5.5/10) – “There’s never a cover at Scruples.” Those sweet words were music to my ears. Once inside, you’ll score “buckets of beer” for $5, which consist of five 8-ounce bottles of Corona/Bud Light/whatever. If we call that between three and four real beers, that’s a solid price. Beyond those perks, though, the value sucks. Stage action is particularly weak and is negatively compounded by the dreadful “tip walk” after each song.

Dance Setup (N/R) – See the explanation from ‘Quality of Dances’ above.

Club Setup (1/10) – Hard to conceive of a much worse setup. The “stages” are slightly-raised platforms outfitted with a pole that sit on the floor in the interior of an L-shaped bar. Bartenders literally have to walk around dancers to deliver drinks. Although the bar provides plenty of seating, its edges extend close enough to the wall that it’s difficult to move around the club. It’s almost certain that this used to be a pretty sweet dive bar and the owners tried to convert it to a strip joint simply by erecting a couple of poles.

Club Atmosphere (1.5/10) – For all the reasons outlined above, club atmosphere is very weak. I didn’t get a good vibe at all.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – At twenty miles outside of Philly, Scruples is far off the beaten path. So far, in fact, that the main thoroughfare in town is named Street Road. That’s right…Street Road. It only scores a one because it’s very close to the PA Turnpike and Route 1.

Overall – If you’re staying at the Crowne Plaza in Feasterville-Trevose and you’re looking for a cheap beer, then Scruples is your place. Otherwise, it’s probably not worth a visit. The one upside is that Scruples wins the award for most (unintentionally?) hilarious club name on the east coast.

TOTAL SCORE = 28 (normalized)